NT's don't commit to the level that we do. You can't expect people to be like you when they aren't like you. I finally learned that the things I will do for people, they will never in a million years do for me. It's actually quite freeing when you finally realize that.
word! Im tired of hearing the phrase "I really dont want to count the money, but in last days ive spent 100eur on you (us? what happened to us?)" and all that while in the flat I pay for and dont even mention about the rent untill asked. I do take some things for granted, like loyalty, sharing, not taking advantage of etc in relationships friendships and work but thats just some NTs and us like this I guess.
@aaacomp1 Not true. It’s because we (ASD) attract the type of people who take advantage of us, and we don’t have the social sophistication to recognize that, or the social skills to build a supportive group of friends who can show us that it is actually normal to be generous and thoughtful. Nurture friendships with people who like you for you, not for anything you do for them. To do that you must stop doing things for people, take it slow…when someone truly likes you, they will show it. Then you can both show it to each other with your thoughtfulness. Invest in the people who invest in you.
I never knew til it was too late, too. And then people used to say things like, "Just don't be gullible." Very unhelpful advice. Like I was choosing to let people take advantage. Now I just don't trust anyone. It's the only way I can "not be gullible."
Because of context blindness, I had to make a list of rules. I reviewed those rules day and night. I practiced those rules in my head, in different scenarios, and then in real life, in any opportunity I got. I evaluated the situation afterwards writing out what I did right and what i could do better. I treated peopling like it was a college course. Eventually I have been able to surround myself with healthy supportive friendships. Never trusting anyone isn’t the answer.
@@JenniferShipleyArt That's a good idea, but I didn't think I would be able to follow rules like that in real life situations where there isn't time to think about a response. After something happens, I'm beating myself up for falling for yet another dirty trick. The situations don't repeat themselves, so it doesn't matter what I've learned from them.
Since a now friend made me aware of this was happening and I stared to say no to people. I've found nobody now speaks to me because they don't get anything from me
So true. I've been going out less and taking time for myself more, reading, writing, exercising, eating well and de-stressing. It's amazing how many people who I've hung out with for the past several years don't reach out at all. It's made me wonder if those people don't really care to be friends or maybe only want to be surface level friends without really getting to know me.
@@HaleyMary I think people get caught up in their own lives but we always put our real priorities first, not the ones we might think are our priorities or we wish were our priorities. That said, when someone does reciprocate or calls you, and they aren’t a narcissist, invest in that friendship, and make sure you return calls and texts promptly. And if it’s hard to meet people, try joining clubs on topics you are interested in. I am in the rock and mineral club for example, and also do a community game night every month. Good luck and don’t give up.
I am so used to people treating me like shit that when someone is nice and does nice things for me my suspicions go through the roof. Am like red alert. What does this person want from me kind of thing. Am sure their motives are pure and honest(maybes?) but I can't help wonder wondering can I trust this person.
The unfair thing about this is that in this world run by and for NTs they expect you to "pay your way" and have no right to exist and have fun, get a car or a house, when we can't even manage to be fairly compensated in situations like you have just described proving why we need the support of a good welfare system. Typical that many of the same NTs who would be judgemental of us on welfare also would not likely employ us to give us a decent wage or we would get the sort of situation you describe.
From my perspective, with the given advantage that I am a "self employed artist" and had a period of my life when one of my published works was getting money in, i shared with whom i cared and cared the most of ones I loved (married and got dumped after getting the papers ohoo could have told me half of year earlier when you acknowledged that you dont want to marry me except the european docs, not counting the gifts and living expenses I covered) but, the best I've fitted in was and still is with Anarchists, Communists and generally left leaning people. my conclusion is that NT's are just perfect consumers, perfect people to be gaslighted into capitalism and that all hustle culture, pick up artist bullshit, my thing is also to see things in patterns and patterns in things, and oh boy how ridiculous the way that NT's find excuses for continuing destroying the planet with a smile on their face and a can of coke in hand. I must write an essay on this, thanks Dana for the video, you made me connect some things in relationships and in general world view :)
We feel good when we are productive, doing something we're good at. Find something you love, that serves your purpose, to make a living. You aren't a child. Where do you think UI money comes from? Not the government, and at any time they can pull the rug out from under you.
@@alaysiakayebutler6299 Typical NT advice. For forty odd years I tried to get a job doing something I was good at, that I would like to do. The interviewers would act like I got the job, I'd leave happy, and then they'd hire someone else. It was very disappointing and hurtful. Now I know why. It was because I'm autistic. I didn't know that then. I had to accept horrible, low pay jobs that were not satisfying in any way. I live better on assistance than I did working full time. I'm still poor, but much happier.
@@raven4090 and likely being more productive than an NT. It never about lack of working laziness leading to people on the spectrum unable to earn livable wage. facts like girl in video they keep things running while its others not showing up yet NT just don't want to hire nor compensate if they do.
I just had the horrible realisation. ND people don't take advantage of people who are autistic, at least not specifically. They take advantage of anybody who let's them. We are just very easy to manipulate and therefore taken advantage of.
A couple years ago I kept thinking "Why do people treat me like this?" I finally realized "Because I let them". Dr Ramani's talks on TH-cam have helped me a lot.
@@sarahodom7091 Oh yes, I've been watching Dr Ramani since her no mic days and I never missed a video. That woman taught me so much. In my worst abusive relationship I didn't even realized I am being abused until several years in. Now I would see it much sooner and definitely wouldn't allow most of it. I probably would leave much sooner. We just need to be careful and remember that not everyone watches Dr Ramani 😉
Yep. We're not that special in that regard. NT people always seem to be on the lookout for an opportunity to get something from others. We're just easier to fool and for longer until we finally realize what is going on.
ND make power games, and I've seen this in romantic relationships: they fall for manipulative people most of the time and I was told I accepted dating too fast. They can't handle honesty, you can see this pattern in all of their movies. It took me a life to accept this.
@@sarahodom7091 Dr. Ramani has good advice for codependency but autistic people are not necessarily codependent, and still have the boundaries problem
If you are autistic and good people tell you to stay away from certain people, its best to take that advice. I think if you are autistic you have to learn more about people before you can trust them because they can lie to you with a smile on their face and trick you.
been taken advantage a few times. I got scammed by somebody where i was sending him money bc he was manipulating me with fake stories. I also got into a situationship few years back where the guy only wanted me for sexual things and i was so in love with him.
I've found that NTs have a hard time "owing" people. They know when they have done wrong and then rather than admit that they fucked up, so they throw the anger on the victim. They double down and abuse the person they owe so much to rather than be grateful. Sooooooo many of them know deep down that it's bad. But they need to to see themselves as good people so it's YOU that's MAKING them "feel bad". That's the clue they known they fucked up. They blame you for their bad feelings... caused by abusing you.
I can relate; I've been learning about this concept being the "fawning" stress response, with fight-flight-freeze being some of the better known ones. It can be a survival strategy (conscious or unconscious) when a person tries to people-please as a way of "pacifying" the person who is antagonizing them.
Yeah, I've made the same general experience that being good in this world doesn't get you very far, on the contrary. Most people are so horrible. It makes me so sad and embrace a hermit life.
Same here. I find most people disgusting and low-key despise humans as a whole. It doesn't help when modern society revolves around fakeness and materialistic crap.
Being good to the wrong people doesn’t get you anywhere. I’m sorry that happened to you. I hope after some time alone you can learn that being good in different ways to different people will benefit you. I imagine that the people that mistreated you had a similar mindset to what you have now. Be careful of that, as you might end up repeating the cycle. Therapy can help you figure out how to relate to people in ways that bring you a healthy and meaningful social life. It’s hard to start over, but so worth it. Wishing you peace and connection.
I'm autistic and a big people pleaser. I'm also late diagnosed at 44, which I'm still dealing with, but that's a whole different story. When it comes to being taken advantage of, I'm sadly reflecting back on SO many things and situations in my life where I was taken advantage of and didn't even realize it until now or very very recently. Some of my "best" friends in school, and even after school. I thought they were my best of friends and never thought twice. Looking back, it's amazing to realize how much I did for them and how little I got back. I helped one of my best friends with money, all the time. I'd pay for their lunch almost daily. When they finally got a job, I don't remember them ever buying me lunch or anything like that. How could I not realize such obvious things at the time? And the list goes on. I'm also a super people pleaser and am embarrassed for it, but it is how I was raised. At this stage, I'm pretty much with Dana's perspective and just try not to really do nice things for most or just about anyone because I feel like it'll never be returned. And I think I have and do it now even to people that SHOULD be getting that from me, because they are or at least I think they are the ones I can trust with a two-way street of niceness and helpfulness. So yea, I've been taken advantage of, a lot. Sorry for the rant, but again I'm just realizing what has been happening around me for my entire life and it is pretty depressing. Sorry for your experiences Dana and everyone else here, it really sucks.
Same. I can relate to all of that. It has gotten a lot better for me, but recently another one popped into my head and it makes me angry. I feel like a hard pit in my chest. I wish I could go back and redo things. But with work we get better we don’t have to keep reliving those same scenarios. And hopefully we can receive some healing through preventing other people from doing this as much as we did. You’re not alone.
I recently just “emotionally divested” from my brother, which was hard to do. To put this in context, I like to think of reciprocity as a communal thing, rather than a two way street. If I am personally getting my needs met, it can come from anywhere. If I’m supporting someone, it can be anyone. Who I support and who supports me don’t have to be the same people. BUT when that balance doesn’t work out for me, I HOPE I can turn to the people I have been supporting for my own support. When that fails, I withdraw support from them because I’m not in a position to offer that, and because they’re not there for me in a time of need. I hope this makes sense. Not everything can be a two way street, BUT when you support system fails, you gotta divest from some people and invest in others.
I like to think that I am good at avoiding getting taken advantage of. But some stuff has happened. Mainly with people the government has paid to help me.
Being taken advantage of is a pain I know all too well. The few times I've been taken advantage of as a child haunt me to this day and my dad doesn't help by reminding me of those events whenever I go into a new social setting. Each time he does pangs me with guilt because I obviously know better now but it still beats me down to think I was that naive as a kid. Your stories help me feel less alone in this topic. Thank you Dana
It's funny how quickly people turn sour the second we start saying "no" after being an unconditional "yes" person for so long. I also learned the hard way to be more reserved with what and when I give. People often tell me that they didn't expect me to say something or behave in a certain way if it is in any way assertive or aggressive, such as swearing or verbally expressing anger or annoyance. I think I must either look like or give off a 'nice/kind person' vibe, and it unsettles them when I start to show another side of me. I do tend to go from 1-100 sometimes though, which understandably can shock people. I hide a lot of what I've been really thinking and feeling until I reach my tolerance threshold, at which point any resulting emotion might seem to have 'come out of nowhere' to others, whereas in fact it was there all along, just hidden out of their awareness and sight. I wonder if this is a defence mechanism - if they can't tell how I'm really feeling or what I'm really thinking, then they can't take advantage of me, or if they do they might have some surprises thrown right back at them because I'm not who they think I am. A resulting issue that I have with this mechanism is that I feel I can't easily form genuine relationships because I am forever suspicious and waiting for someone to try and take advantage of me. Thank you for sharing your experiences in this video, this has given me a lot to think about and helped me to realise why I could be struggling to form lasting true relationships.
I think it’s just practice and starting slow. It’s good that you’re checking those impulses. For me I want to help everyone, and I had to pause on every impulse to buy a strangers groceries, for example. Or solve others problems. For me, I have a theory of fractal social upliftment that I use to guide me. Since we’re such good pattern-noticers, we might as well come up with a patterned way of supporting people while getting our needs met. So I would first name your needs and desires, and then figure out how that aligns with a pattern of supporting others. For example, you might love music, and you’ll say: I’m not visiting my family until I finish learning this song. Then once you finish the song you can share it with whoever, and you’ll be in a more empowered position when you socialize with people who have heard the song or support your new accomplishment.
I was diagnosed late in life but for years I have felt like I have sucker tattooed on my forehead because anytime someone needs something they come to me because I can’t say no
With practice you will learn how to accept nice things.It’s not easy at first. People pleasing-How do you feel in the first 3 seconds? Do you feel a nudge of doubt? Listen to it. You can burn out if you keep pleasing. Especially if it’s at your expense. What do you want? Not because people say do it. Your own ambitions? Focus on them and sometimes help but learn to know real boundaries. I don’t know if I’m explaining this right. I was a people pleaser who was trained to be a slave! I’ve been abused & nearly killed for it. I can no longer be around people as a result. What I’m trying to say is you need to try to find a balance. Maybe give time for a charity where what you do will make a difference which can be rewarding especially if it’s something you believe in. We wear our hearts on our sleeves & people are cruel & twisted but come across as nice it’s a facade & a game. We are beacons of shining light in a world with not much light & it attracts the wrong people not the ones we would like. It hurts in many ways physically & emotionally. Learn strategies to help mitigate these issues what works for 1 person might not work for you but there’s no harm giving it a go. Liked your video. I just hope I made sense. I’m a little fogged up right now.
I take things literally to sayings like “do your best” so I would do my all where I give up most of my spoons for certain things NTs would never do. After taking a step back, I still carry a sense of guilt of “what ifs” even though I don’t carry as much stress. It’s truly a double edge sword.
None of this is your fault. You have a good work ethic and are conscientious. These people are responsible for their own behavior. I can definitely relate. I've been taken advantage of all my life and it's not always easy to tell right away and I have often thought that if we stop doing anything in relationships with others it will be constant instability and a stream of goodbyes. I'm in my 60s and am about done because that is what it's come to. People either lose interest in me when they feel I have nothing more to offer or when I need anything from them or they become mean and nasty and I have to end the friendship. It is really exhausting to be the more committed one. I breed rats and meet alot of people who adopt from me. I had a friend for about 2 years who acted like she loved me and really wanted to spend time with me and after her rats got old and passed away she became less and less invested in the friendship. In the beginning I thought she accepted me and didn't treat me differently because of my being autistic but it ended badly when she started canceling plans with me and telling me she was going to do something with her kids of husband those days instead. She seemed to not care that she was treating me as unimportant and acted as though it was her prerogative to just blow me off and stand me up. The relationship reached the point at which she barely spoke to me on PM on Facebook just sending me cute pictures, and not there for me in practical ways or even for emotional support. Then when I asked her for two small favors when I was getting a new puppy to replace the 15 year old that had recently died she sent me a very callous message telling me I shouldn't get the breed of dog I was planning and refusing to help me with a reference to a rescue organization or to go bring home a pen I found for my future puppy. I was not even asking her for any money but she started acting like I couldn't handle it because of my physical disabilities and went into this long diatribe about how important to her her weekends were and about having teenage kids, etc. That never stopped her from getting together with me before and we used to go to that store before many times and she would buy things there too. I pointed out that I had everything covered and that I am an experienced dog owner who have always had working breeds and have worked as a trainer in the past for a dog breeder of big, high energy dogs, and that all I needed from her was to drive there to the store where I was getting the pen and I would take care of the set-up and taking it out of her car. She made it very clear after almost a year of ignoring me that if I didn't let her control my whole life and tell me what to do that it was her way or the highway and that she could get anything she wanted but had different standards for me. It was clear then that she didn't view me as her equal. That was the straw that broke the camel's back for me. and I knew it was useless to work this out because I would forever be one-down, so I walked away at that point and didn't even respond to her nasty and ableist message.
Relate so much to this, I've literally done more free labour in my life than paid, been abused and taken advantage of at like every stage of my life. Worse still, I'm a wreck of a person who spends their days helping people because I don't want anyone to suffer like I have...and many of those people eventually abandon me once my usefulness has ended 🙃at this point I take the point I get ditched as a job well done 😅
I'm the exact same... but recently I've realized that "service" type of relationship, only helping people when they're vulnerable but not ever revealing yourself, makes them put you on a pedestal that will eventually crumble. I've pulled back from a lot of my more emotionally exhausting interactions and instead try to notice and grab the opportunities people give me to talk about my own feelings. There's not a lot of those opportunities but they do exist, and you miss them when you're too busy trying to fix everyone else, and when you find someone giving you that opportunity you'll know they're interested in you beyond whatever service you provide for them. Best of luck - you are worth more than you're giving yourself credit for, you obviously have a kind heart and a real care for people underneath all the overcompensation. :)
pretty bad things have happened to me both because i didn't realize important things and because of fawn response. i often don't realize how i feel about something until i'm out of that situation, and it sucks because it means i do a lot of things i end up regretting or that turn out to really hurt me or hurt others, and i'm completely oblivious until it's too late and a lot of damage has been done. my only solution is asking those around me before i get into things, especially online. that of course can turn into an unhealthy dependence and inability to make my own decisions, but i'm trying to find a balance. the things you talk about interest me a lot and i appreciate you sharing your voice and thoughts. it makes me feel less alone and helps me learn things about myself as well. thank you for taking the time and work to create Dana 🐛
Thank you for this video. As an autistic person people have taken advantage with me and I have never known it. It has taken close people to tell me. So hard for me not to spot when it was happening
I felt all of this so much. I've been in plenty of narcissistic relationships that stayed for the benefits i was providing. It's so hurtful, especially when you reflect what they gave back to you.
I had a really bad experience at work, where a ex-boss set my extremely complicated data tasks to do I was not properly trained in and she blamed me for not being trained enough, when she left me hanging for the interiority of my time there and she was a shouter, so I didn't feel safe to stick up for myself. In the end I had a nervous breakdown at work because of her unpredictable behaviour. My work said they would support me in moving me to another team, where they as well then left me to work out wtf I was meant to be doing. The whole experience traumatised me as a AuDHD person. I have started to rebuild my confidence back up where I am currently retraining to go into another industry where I should be treated better. But it made me worry for other neurodivergent people in that company / industry as people treated so many others with disdain.
I got caught in the same "volunteer" situation at a reptile zoo type thing. Was never paid but other than that the owner treated my like the paid employees. Reptiles and other exotics are my special interest, I was happy just to get to be there. Called out sick once and I got scolded and made to feel like a horrible person for not being there and was "fired". Only realized that I and other autistics were being taken advantage of in this way. He seeked out ND people because he knew we would do free work just to be around the animals. Luckily he got shut down, not sure why though.
This video is absolutely amazing, yet another one that just reaches into my soul. There was a period of about 2 years where I was trying to help this lady stay off the street, long story short, I wound up going about $40k in debt and losing the car I inherited from my grandpa cause I lent it to her and she destroyed it over time... I would get her a hotel room or air bnb for a couple nights because *something* was always just about to break, a friend was gonna take her in, something, but she would call me screaming and crying in agony cause her back problem was preventing her from sleeping in the car I lent her... And every single time through massive effort I got her into a more stable, permanent situation, she would always manage to find something wrong or piss off the hosts or roommates so badly she would get kicked out. I stupidly set about trying to solve all those problems for her, but she kept just squandering my help, that's what really made me stop, not the $40k, not losing my marriage, but the fact that she was so stupid that I felt like my efforts were just being dumped in a black hole.
Reminds Me of when I was working in a car dealership as a cleaning woman, with this other girl, and she would always go off and say, “ I’ll clean this part, and you clean over there” and then one day happened when she was sick and didn’t have to come in And I realized it took me the exact same amount of time to clean everything on my own as it would have with her doing the shift with me… so I’m not for sure but I’m pretty certain she was just letting me do all the work and collecting a check for a job she didn’t actually do👀…
i’m sixty plus years old and only JUST beginning to see this stuff about myself… even with tons of abuse and trauma i still have always managed to blame myself… i’m so happy [and can i say proud] to see you and other younger people figuring these things out -AND TALKING ABOUT IT so others too will learn that this kind of shit is not okay and to start being able to see it 🌸
Having keys and a late boss b basically describes my job in a sandwich shop years ago only i was paid £1 an hour for being the goafer when everyone else had a half decent wage and did i realise i was beung taken as a mug..... Did i f***k! 😂
Not just autistic people. One of the hardest workers I've known is bipolar, but she cannot hold down a "real" job to save her life. I'll cross paths with her and find her working her tail off for some entrepreneur. I'll ask her if she's getting paid, and the answer is always no. Breaks my heart.
For me it’s just I feel so lazy and guilty because I haven’t found work I can do yet without burning out and becoming suicidally depressed within a couple weeks, I feel so useless and worthless and lazy and so when someone asks me to do something for them I feel like if I say no I’m being even more of a burden than I usually am
Sending a hug cuz I remember feeling exactly the way you explained in this comment. It was a very long and difficult climb from that struggling place. But now I’m finally self-employed with online contracts. Not earning enough to live in the states yet tho 😅 I’ve been living abroad where costs are lower. Just wanted to let you know that you’re not alone, and things can change, in fact they definitely will change. Blessings on your journey ✨
@plasmabat718 You just described what I feel every single day of my life to a "T" 😢 I want soooo badly to be a full functional member of society and dream of it daily. But I can never mustard up enough energy to do everything everyone else is able to do. I feel worthless. And even worse when a friend or loved one asks me for a favor, I always feel like I have to say yes but then get so angry at myself because I know how much energy it will take away from my own day and goals. So I resent them. But I know it's not their fault. It's mine for saying yes and not having the strength to tell them the truth. which is that if I do this for you, my stuff won't get done. And the cycle repeats itself 😢
Hey Dana, thanks for making these videos. At least for me, I think this is an especially rough subject to tackle because it touches on so many different insecurities. Am I taking too much, expecting too much, being too forward, not giving enough? Am I being too selfish by not giving other people more, or am I already giving more than I have? Am I inflating my self-worth or am I purposefully overlooking my drawbacks... again? Are their reactions honest, or are they after something? Am I harming the relationship by doubting them? It feels as if there is very little stable ground when it comes to judging when a relationship is "acceptably equal". I find the best way to deal with it is to remember that everyone involved is making an active choice to be there, myself included. So long as everyone involved chooses to be there and doesn't raise any concerns... spending energy on worrying about a workload imbalance is just rethinking stuff everyone is content with in their current form. When and if shit gets bad... I'll know, whether I worried about it for a year beforehand or not.
I think that both my parents were autistic, but weren't diagnosed, so far as I know. My mother did most of the work around the house, but didn't like it when she thought she was being taken advantage of, or just not appreciated. If she was cooking a meal, I would offer to mash the potato, or make the gravy or sauces. I did those things, mainly because I couldn't stand it if those foods had lumps in. 😂 Btw, I've never voted Tory in my life.
literally every single part of this i related to, oh my god. i legitimately enjoy doing nice things for other people, its one of the main ways i demonstrate love and i believe it's a critical part of community and relationship building, but also i think of it as the barrier to entry for my being tolerated - which means that when someone does something nice for *me* i have no idea how to handle it, and i fear it'll be held over my head as a debt later down the line. my childhood has definitely not factored into this deeply ingrained thought pattern dont worry about it (
Hi Dana. Your story about the nightmare ex-boss at the video store really hit home. It's so hard for us N.D folks to establish when someone is abusing us at work; it's quite another thing to advocate for yourself once you recognize it's happening. Really, really scary stuff for the ND person when a boss changes from "safe and friendly" to intimidating; especially when they blur those lines between personal and professional. As if it's not hard enough looking for work in the first place when you're autistic! After an experience like that it makes it twice as hard. I think you titled this video perfectly. Not enough people are aware this thing can happen. I got myself into (and out of) a veery similar situation back in 2021 and I haven't been able to work full time since. This video was so helpful for me; I sincerely hope you've managed to reclaim all of the special interest that you lost when that work situation became unbearable!
Haha "If i don't survive it'll be because of the Torys". You tell em. Also, you said it how it is regarding setting boundaries when it comes to give and take in a relationship.
This is ME. It's SO rough. Thank you for sharing your experiences with me. I don't know how to realise in the moment that people have motives and are making conscious choices to take advantage of me. It's such a horrible feeling of betrayal when I can finally SEE it, but it's always AFTER the fact . It makes me feel so hurt and confused about what has been true, genuine and real about their feelings, their friendship, everything. I want to have healthy experiences but they inevitability result in this awful repetition. I see clearly that I need to figure it out and not engage in behaviour that might encourage manipulative tactics, but again, it's normally after the fact and a great deal of time and anguish that I figure it out. I want to protect myself from that harm, and I want to protect THEM from making choice's to harm me.
the amount of times i checked in with the counsellor, during my sessions, is absurd. it 'just' happened! im way too considerate of others, find it difficult to step away from that compulsion. But i am being forced in to it because i have to stop - its been detrimental to me. your videos are always relatable. thank you
You may or may not want to expand on this, but I (as an AS adult) have only ever really had benefits as income, by only being paid up to £200 a month at most really proves why we need this support, did you have benefit support to fall back on whilst only being paid that much?
The best advice anyone will ever give you. Is to try and stay away from other people as much as you can. Have hobbies and interests instead, and forget evil friendship. Otherwise other people will bully you, steal off you, abuse you and and take advantage of you. - You are almost always better off on you own. - Make hobbies and interests your friends, and accept that for people like us it's always going to be a lonely life.
Omg. Not getting hourly wage for that long for 12 hours/day. No. You were opening and closing. How could u ever think u were taking advantage of him? No. You need a close neurotypical friend or two to remind you how you deserve to be treated and to point it out when you are not being treated right. Those people who offer you that support/effort are the ones you should offer support to. Then you shouldn’t feel bad when they reciprocate. Nurture those relationships. You cannot help people who won’t help themselves. Unfortunately, we often help a lot of people who simply don’t help themselves, and as soon as you’re done giving them what they want, they’re done being your “friend.” And that’s not most people. That’s just some people. And we autistic people have gigantic neon signs on our heads that narcissists, manipulators, and users can see. The people who offer you the support and help are the people who you should be putting your energy into. Also, this trait we have is called, “context blindness.” I have battled that so badly. I have come a long ways but I still catch myself again allowing someone to treat me poorly after thinking i had this thing down. I have delayed reaction. I pay close attention now to my feelings so when I get a bad feeling, I investigate it. It’s like part of my body knows that someone is not good for me even if my conscious mind hasn’t figured it out. So I might not respond in the moment, but if I investigate that feeling, then I might figure it out and avoid further contact with that person. Every situation is different so I don’t trust that I am ever going to be consistently adept at responding in the moment. Therefore, I must be careful. The last experience was a date which made me realize dating is just stupid, particularly for autistic people. Whoever thought it was a good idea to take two people who barely know each other, and then send them off alone together? A better idea is getting to know the person through friend groups before going on a date, or meeting at a public location where there will be other people. I know that I have context blindness. Therefore, I have to take precautions. And if I have a bad feeling and I can’t figure out what it means then I will talk to my sister or my bestie. So yeah, don’t do what I’ve done and spend your life helping people who won’t help themselves because you can’t help them. I can’t help them. They don’t change. They are like black holes that just suck all of our energy until we are finally sick and exhausted, and you will be exhausted and bitter eventually if you keep letting yourself be taken advantage of. Nurture the friendships with the people who give to you, and who are reliable and considerate, and give back to them instead of giving to people who only take from you. It doesn’t make you “one of those people”. You do things for them because it is a way to express how much you like them, and reciprocate by allowing them to express how much they like you by doing nice things for you, because it feels good to make another person feel good. Allow them that joy. Be happy. Have a happy life. You’re awesome and sweet and you deserve to be treated nicely. People who do not do thoughtful things for you, do not like you the way you like them. I am sorry. They are using you. And the reason they don’t feel that way for you is not because of any lack in you. It’s a lack in them. I have three neurotypical besties that are extremely generous and thoughtful, and a number of other friends who are also that way, so it’s not true what the other person said about nt’s. Unfortunately, that is a false belief that comes from the neon sign on our heads. No. It’s because we attract users and manipulators.
I have this boundaries problem too but I don't have any parents issues, I don't need validation, I don't care what those people think about me. I don't even need them. I do this even with people I hate. I think it's the super-empathy.
That's exactly how i felt about the first barn i took lessons at- i "volunteered" there for 4 years and did more work and was there longer than the people who actually did work there, i was breifly paid as farm hand but was expected to weed eat and use a chainsaw (🤯) and a giant leaf blower that weighed more than i do, PLUS clean 38 stalls and get 25 horses in and out by 2pm, i just couldn't do it that fast, i was so physically exhausted i was crying as i worked, and the lady who owned the barn came to me one day and informed me that i needed to be able to clean 38 stalls in 3 hours, something that was not possible for me because i couldn't half-a** it like the guys did, i cared about the horeses and i wanted the place to look nice, because i cared so much about it and all the horses there- well, i got Covid, and had to stop working for a week and when i tried to go back the barn owner was just like, yeah, no, you weren't working out, you did a great job but yada yada, and i told her i HAD to earn money somehow for my lessons (ALL the barn labour, plus i was volunteering, unpaid, helping with lessons on top of everything else, and i couldn't so much as ride a horse without paying for the ride) i had to earn money and I can't handle normal jobs anymore, so she told me to start coming in and working Saturdays (for free) and if it worked out she would pay me- well, i did that, plus helping with multiple lessons a week, i was there at least 4 days a week, and at this point was paid for NONE of it, nor was i allowed to ride, and that's all i wanted, they didn't HAVE to pay me as long as i could ride, i was still happy to pay for a lesson a week, i just couldn't afford more than that, and saddle time is so crucial especially as a beginner- anyway, i worked Saturdays for free for several months, unwittingly training my teenage replacement, who started working, paid, alongside me, who still wasn't getting ANYTHING. She also got to ride for free. She was 14. Annnnnd her mom was on the barn's board of directors for the therapy non-profit side, so that's apparently what you need there, money was all they cared about. I poured MY SOUL, my blood sweat and tears into this place thinking if if i just worked hard enough and did enough extra i would belong and get to ride the horses that needed to be exercised (they let the teenage girls who lessoned with rich parents do that, even when they didn't volunteer or do free work. I had to pay for EVERY SINGLE SECOND i spent on a horse there. I had a panic attack when the girl told me she was starting Saturdays paid, they took absolute disgusting advantage of my loyalty and my desire to learn and ride and my love for the horses, all while letting the girls whose parents had money do anything they wanted. It burned me bad, people kept telling me i was being taken advantage of, but I wanted these people to be good and i wanted to belong there so badly, i just couldn't let myself see it... Now i am at another barn, and at least I get paid, but only for two hours of work, my required tasks take AT LEAST 5-6 hours, i am still working way too hard for free, although at least i get to ride for free whenever i want, that's kept me hanging on, but i recently got kicked in the chest by a horse that is known to be difficult and has hurt other people, i had to go to the ER, $4116 that neither the barn manager nor the horse owner offered to help with at all, actually she didn't even reach to see if i was okay (i broke a rib) i missed 3 weeks of work and depsite the fact that the barn manager legally should have worker's comp she didn't offer to help at all, my riding instructor who is not affiliated with the barn at all raised money for me, the lady who manages the barn is taking advantage of all the workers, it's really starting to get me down, that they didn't care to take responsibility wjen i got hurt doing my job, i wouldn't TOUCH that crazy horse otherwise, it isn't fair but i hate conflict and change and i just keep hoping people will be decent, but most of them won't, they aren't decent, i need to learn that... Anyway. Thanks for coming to my TED talk, haha...
I feel like the best I've found to prevent this happening is to never trust anyone to the point of stopping constantly watching for problems. I can't do charity work, I think because I'm terrified I wouldn't be able to tell the difference between that and this. Then people suggest charity work as a way to make contacts for the social manipulation required to have a chance of finding a job.
I’ve been taken advantage of for so much of my life. I want to speak up against it, but I fear of the negative consequences. I find it hard to say no, I feel that I need to please everyone, even tho I know I can’t please everyone.
Girl, I just found this vid and I cannot tell you how much I relate. In my mind as an autistic girl, it's just principle to pay people back, to do things for others, and to return favors. I give people a lot and I'm not expecting anything in return in most situations, but I guess I do expect people to at least offer to help when and where they can. And to be decent people generally. For example, if we go on a trip and I pay for everyone's lodging, I think it's okay to expect a Venmo back for their portion. Even if they let me know they need a payment plan or something. But I can't tell you how many times I've had to bug people to do a simple payback for something where it IS socially expected to pay that person back. I can't help but feel like they avoid it and try to brush it off because they think I'll be "too nice" to really push. I'm just tired. Why can't people just work the way we work lmao?
Fantastic! Such an important topic. I have a very long history of allowing myself to be taken advantage of too. You're spot on - the people who do this to us should know better.
You were just trying to survive and better yourself. By doing volunteer work, you gained skills and proved you are a productive worker. As an autistic person, I've had similar experiences. Because we face so much discrimination, we have very little leverage. Thus, we try to people please and hope that someone will somewhat reciprocate and give us a chance. In my case, most of the time they don't reciprocate and simply take advantage of me.
Oh my gosh, I so want to cook for you now and put on some nice Doctor Who! But I hate cooking… It's probably safer for me to order a pizza. But if cooking were a thing I did, I'd love to! xD
Watching your videos has made me aware of the fact that I was very much taken advantage of at my last longer lasting job. My line manager or whatever it is called in English made me do so much for her in unrealistic deadlines, and she barely even answered my messages. My boss as well would knowingly put me in situations that she full well knew would be damaging for me. The thing was I also loved the work itself (it was my special interest). That’s how they get you.
Ex told me he didn’t like me but I came with benefits and you’re not egotistical for knowing you’re a great partner or person. I know that now I’m a fcking great person because I know how I treat others I do it because in my opinion is the bare minimum to just treat people right there are too many people out there to treat others wrong. Not wanting to be part of that crowd is okay. I now know that’s just part of my values I treat others how I treat myself. I also know people who try to milk me of that when I give just enough don’t deserve me. You don’t get to be greedy with what I offer at my own will and take advantage of me.
I had a girlfriend and we were together every weekend. I needed to travel 3 hours to get to her. And in 1 weekend she was video chatting with her ex while I was downstairs with her mother. I can't remember what she told me she would do but I didn't know she was video chatting with her ex. A serious case of taking advantage of my belief in other people's goodness.
I have also had experiences where I have loved a job from the beginning only to eventually be taken advantage of. I'm sorry you've went through that as well
For me it also plays into the idea from your "Why Autistic People Can't Work" video. When someone asks me to do something I usually say yes or else I think it will put my job in security (rightfully so) so I just do everything a boss tells me to do and do most favors co-workers or customers would ask instead of putting my own self first and being like, "No, I can't do that right now. Maybe later, maybe someone else could. But I cannot do that right now" because that can either put the job in jeopardy or cause the person hearing it to take out their own feelings on you. And having to try to mask through all of that to try to have any sense of financial stability
My former best friend from college told me it was too hard to be friends with me, after 10 + years of friendship, simply because I'd stopped letting her take advantage of me. We used to write stories together, but I ended up doing all the work later on, and she was trying to dictate who my characters were and how I wrote them. We were in a DnD group together, with her cousins and work friends. The others got annoyed with me when it took me a minute or two to process what was going on and what my character should do. I tried to explain that I was paying attention and taking notes, but my brain doesn't multitask. They also graded each person on how they played their character, which stressed me out. I thought DnD was supposed to be for fun. Anyway, they didn't want to be patient with me and kicked me out of the group. My friend didn't defend me. She joined in, agreeing with the others. Then she expected me to come back like nothing had happened when she was running a campaign, and I should let her dictate my character. There was a lot more, but I finally had to tell her that she had hurt me too badly, and I couldn't pretend nothing had happened. She said it was too hard to be my friend.
Please don’t be so hard on yourself. Everyone makes errors of judgement in relationships, especially people who are not NT. I hope you will be able to get over feeling uncomfortable when people want to do nice things for you. It’s a really good sign that the person likes you for who you are and not for what you do for them. You enjoy doing nice things for the people you care about, so bear in mind that it’s the same for them. Feeling good about someone doing something nice for you is a way of doing something nice for them, because you’re giving them the opportunity to experience the same good feeling that you get by doing nice things for them. That last sentence is a bit convoluted; I can’t think of a better way to phrase it though, so I hope it makes sense.
"Did you inform anyone about your situation, and how did it conclude? Did you simply not show up one day? I have a suspicion that the taxman somehow became aware that you were working for him. Perhaps someone reported this to him or something. Why would the person employing you illegally inform the taxman? He wouldn't. The taxman must have found out somehow; perhaps he has spies or something. Who knows? Perhaps the taxman himself shops in your shop, and you just don't know who he is. Yes, spies who spy on shops are a real thing. Hopefully, you didn't provide him with any invoices. If you did, they would have to be under a company name you would have to produce. I personally think he probably got caught by the taxman. It is also possible that he informed you that he was avoiding the taxman because, in the adult world, many people are avoiding the taxman for various reasons. So, there's a shared interest there. Some people, in your position (this is the wrong opinion, in my opinion), would say, 'At least I'm getting something, better than not having a job at all. And if the taxman intervenes, I won't get any money at all because the taxman will want him to pay his taxes, pay me a living wage, which he won't do, which means I'll lose my job.' As I said, I don't think like this, but some people who are desperate for jobs are. They're content with a low wage and won't ask for a pay rise, or if, as he says, they're self-employed, they won't raise their prices."
I have ADHD autism and bpd I had a terrible time being used and conned when I was younger. The classic occurance was trusting people. The classic was people would get me to do something for them or get me to give them something then get rid of me. Its best we understand narcissistic behaviour so we don't let people take advantage of us. Saying no to people is the only way to not let people take advantage of us. We can be polite and say that is not sensible sorry. We can either behave in a stupid way or a sensible way. And do what is good for us. Understanding that people are too interested in themselves. Has helped me alot and not taking it personally if people are being disrespectful. Noticed peoples tone of voice and facial expressions. Smart people want to gain and don't want to loose out.
So like, something I don't understand, is taking advantage of people intentional?? Like I feel like there is no way it can be, I can't even fathom what kind of mindset someone would be in where they think "I am going to take advantage of this person 😈" and it makes me worry that I might unintentionally take advantage of someone
Tbh with that job I think they started taking advantage of you the moment they offered you unpaid work while saying that they didn’t have room for another employee. They wanted your labour, but didn’t want to compensate you for it.
I don’t think you’re wrong, but I did offer just because I thought it was such a cool business. Sure, a better person would have maybe said no, but I desperately wanted to get to hang out there and was more than happy to do some work to get to do so
What's a Tory? Is this a British term because I've never heard of it, being that I'm from the US. Also, it sucked that you were treated the way you do. Once I learned that I was Autistic myself and learned more about it, I looked back on my past and see where I was likely taken advantaged of. In the past, my dad will tell me, "Don't let anyone take advantage of you." But in my mind, I've been always like, "How??!!" I still don't know how to do that for many other possible scenarios. I don't know what it is, but it seems like a neurotypical thing to see right through it so much better than us. Of course, it doesn't mean it never happens to neurotypical people because it does. I guess some things are more obvious to them than us, so it's harder to do. I am aware of a book that talks about this subject for Autistic women to be informed on how to avoid when it comes to relationships with men (and I'm assuming it can apply for those with other women too). It's kind of an old book as far as I can tell, being that it specifically address this to women diagnosed with Aspergers when the term was still used. I haven't read it yet, but hopefully it still applies to today! Also, I hope you'll encounter people that'll treat you much better than you were in previous relationships and in any setting!
Pretty sure this dude was just an abusive POS in all aspects of his life, and that's why it was so difficult at home. I had someone at work who took advantage of me, and their family ended up fleeing the state from them. Not to downplay the autism aspect, but some people just suck.
you said you were a volunteer then you said you were getting paid and that it wasn't a proper job if he's paying you it is a job where he's possibly paying you a slave wage which is illegal
That's what happens to me especially with money I seem to be a big Target lately and also Phil victims since I also have ADHD on top of the autism it makes it really bad and people can get me riled up really easily and then I make poor decisions examples are yelling out the windows in the vehicle as they're doing it and laughing that's one of the traits to the ADHD side of How It's experienced in on my end of things but as far as the autism goes I'm pretty much an open Target to people therefore I never leave my house anymore or date at all because it's really awkward whenever I don't converse at all which I don't like not talking at all I just wish I was more sociable
The best advice anyone will ever give you. Is to try and stay away from other people as much as you can. Have hobbies and interests instead, and forget evil friendship. Otherwise other people will bully you, steal off you, abuse you and and take advantage of you. - You are almost always better off on you own. - Make hobbies and interests your friends, and accept that for people like us it's always going to be a lonely life.
NT's don't commit to the level that we do. You can't expect people to be like you when they aren't like you. I finally learned that the things I will do for people, they will never in a million years do for me. It's actually quite freeing when you finally realize that.
What is NT's ?
@@PrettyGoodLookin neurotypicals
@@aaacomp1 Ok.ty.
word! Im tired of hearing the phrase "I really dont want to count the money, but in last days ive spent 100eur on you (us? what happened to us?)" and all that while in the flat I pay for and dont even mention about the rent untill asked. I do take some things for granted, like loyalty, sharing, not taking advantage of etc in relationships friendships and work but thats just some NTs and us like this I guess.
@aaacomp1 Not true. It’s because we (ASD) attract the type of people who take advantage of us, and we don’t have the social sophistication to recognize that, or the social skills to build a supportive group of friends who can show us that it is actually normal to be generous and thoughtful. Nurture friendships with people who like you for you, not for anything you do for them. To do that you must stop doing things for people, take it slow…when someone truly likes you, they will show it. Then you can both show it to each other with your thoughtfulness. Invest in the people who invest in you.
I never knew til it was too late, too. And then people used to say things like, "Just don't be gullible." Very unhelpful advice. Like I was choosing to let people take advantage. Now I just don't trust anyone. It's the only way I can "not be gullible."
Because of context blindness, I had to make a list of rules. I reviewed those rules day and night. I practiced those rules in my head, in different scenarios, and then in real life, in any opportunity I got. I evaluated the situation afterwards writing out what I did right and what i could do better. I treated peopling like it was a college course. Eventually I have been able to surround myself with healthy supportive friendships. Never trusting anyone isn’t the answer.
@@JenniferShipleyArt That's a good idea, but I didn't think I would be able to follow rules like that in real life situations where there isn't time to think about a response. After something happens, I'm beating myself up for falling for yet another dirty trick. The situations don't repeat themselves, so it doesn't matter what I've learned from them.
I don't see anyone. Almost at all.
I need to take it slow and see people over time
Since a now friend made me aware of this was happening and I stared to say no to people.
I've found nobody now speaks to me because they don't get anything from me
Exactly. If you no longer provide things for people, everyone that had their hand out disappears.
When I changed, my friends changed. It took time. The people who were using me moved on and eventually I found people who were supportive.
@@aaacomp1 leaving room for anyone worthy. when you put yourself first others respect you more
So true. I've been going out less and taking time for myself more, reading, writing, exercising, eating well and de-stressing. It's amazing how many people who I've hung out with for the past several years don't reach out at all. It's made me wonder if those people don't really care to be friends or maybe only want to be surface level friends without really getting to know me.
@@HaleyMary I think people get caught up in their own lives but we always put our real priorities first, not the ones we might think are our priorities or we wish were our priorities. That said, when someone does reciprocate or calls you, and they aren’t a narcissist, invest in that friendship, and make sure you return calls and texts promptly. And if it’s hard to meet people, try joining clubs on topics you are interested in. I am in the rock and mineral club for example, and also do a community game night every month. Good luck and don’t give up.
I am so used to people treating me like shit that when someone is nice and does nice things for me my suspicions go through the roof. Am like red alert. What does this person want from me kind of thing. Am sure their motives are pure and honest(maybes?) but I can't help wonder wondering can I trust this person.
The unfair thing about this is that in this world run by and for NTs they expect you to "pay your way" and have no right to exist and have fun, get a car or a house, when we can't even manage to be fairly compensated in situations like you have just described proving why we need the support of a good welfare system. Typical that many of the same NTs who would be judgemental of us on welfare also would not likely employ us to give us a decent wage or we would get the sort of situation you describe.
From my perspective, with the given advantage that I am a "self employed artist" and had a period of my life when one of my published works was getting money in, i shared with whom i cared and cared the most of ones I loved (married and got dumped after getting the papers ohoo could have told me half of year earlier when you acknowledged that you dont want to marry me except the european docs, not counting the gifts and living expenses I covered) but, the best I've fitted in was and still is with Anarchists, Communists and generally left leaning people. my conclusion is that NT's are just perfect consumers, perfect people to be gaslighted into capitalism and that all hustle culture, pick up artist bullshit, my thing is also to see things in patterns and patterns in things, and oh boy how ridiculous the way that NT's find excuses for continuing destroying the planet with a smile on their face and a can of coke in hand. I must write an essay on this, thanks Dana for the video, you made me connect some things in relationships and in general world view :)
Do they know you are autistic you can't blame neurotypicals for stuff if you don't tell them of course they're going to treat you like a neurotypical
We feel good when we are productive, doing something we're good at. Find something you love, that serves your purpose, to make a living.
You aren't a child.
Where do you think UI money comes from? Not the government, and at any time they can pull the rug out from under you.
@@alaysiakayebutler6299 Typical NT advice. For forty odd years I tried to get a job doing something I was good at, that I would like to do. The interviewers would act like I got the job, I'd leave happy, and then they'd hire someone else. It was very disappointing and hurtful. Now I know why. It was because I'm autistic. I didn't know that then. I had to accept horrible, low pay jobs that were not satisfying in any way. I live better on assistance than I did working full time. I'm still poor, but much happier.
@@raven4090 and likely being more productive than an NT. It never about lack of working laziness leading to people on the spectrum unable to earn livable wage. facts like girl in video they keep things running while its others not showing up yet NT just don't want to hire nor compensate if they do.
I just had the horrible realisation. ND people don't take advantage of people who are autistic, at least not specifically. They take advantage of anybody who let's them. We are just very easy to manipulate and therefore taken advantage of.
A couple years ago I kept thinking "Why do people treat me like this?" I finally realized "Because I let them". Dr Ramani's talks on TH-cam have helped me a lot.
@@sarahodom7091 Oh yes, I've been watching Dr Ramani since her no mic days and I never missed a video. That woman taught me so much. In my worst abusive relationship I didn't even realized I am being abused until several years in. Now I would see it much sooner and definitely wouldn't allow most of it. I probably would leave much sooner. We just need to be careful and remember that not everyone watches Dr Ramani 😉
Yep. We're not that special in that regard. NT people always seem to be on the lookout for an opportunity to get something from others. We're just easier to fool and for longer until we finally realize what is going on.
ND make power games, and I've seen this in romantic relationships: they fall for manipulative people most of the time and I was told I accepted dating too fast. They can't handle honesty, you can see this pattern in all of their movies. It took me a life to accept this.
@@sarahodom7091 Dr. Ramani has good advice for codependency but autistic people are not necessarily codependent, and still have the boundaries problem
If you are autistic and good people tell you to stay away from certain people, its best to take that advice. I think if you are autistic you have to learn more about people before you can trust them because they can lie to you with a smile on their face and trick you.
Yessssss!!!!
people pleasing can be a curse. :(
been taken advantage a few times. I got scammed by somebody where i was sending him money bc he was manipulating me with fake stories. I also got into a situationship few years back where the guy only wanted me for sexual things and i was so in love with him.
I am so sorry that this happened.
I've found that NTs have a hard time "owing" people. They know when they have done wrong and then rather than admit that they fucked up, so they throw the anger on the victim. They double down and abuse the person they owe so much to rather than be grateful.
Sooooooo many of them know deep down that it's bad. But they need to to see themselves as good people so it's YOU that's MAKING them "feel bad".
That's the clue they known they fucked up. They blame you for their bad feelings... caused by abusing you.
I can relate; I've been learning about this concept being the "fawning" stress response, with fight-flight-freeze being some of the better known ones. It can be a survival strategy (conscious or unconscious) when a person tries to people-please as a way of "pacifying" the person who is antagonizing them.
Yeah, I've made the same general experience that being good in this world doesn't get you very far, on the contrary. Most people are so horrible. It makes me so sad and embrace a hermit life.
Same here. I find most people disgusting and low-key despise humans as a whole. It doesn't help when modern society revolves around fakeness and materialistic crap.
Being good to the wrong people doesn’t get you anywhere. I’m sorry that happened to you. I hope after some time alone you can learn that being good in different ways to different people will benefit you.
I imagine that the people that mistreated you had a similar mindset to what you have now. Be careful of that, as you might end up repeating the cycle. Therapy can help you figure out how to relate to people in ways that bring you a healthy and meaningful social life. It’s hard to start over, but so worth it.
Wishing you peace and connection.
I'm autistic and a big people pleaser. I'm also late diagnosed at 44, which I'm still dealing with, but that's a whole different story.
When it comes to being taken advantage of, I'm sadly reflecting back on SO many things and situations in my life where I was taken advantage of and didn't even realize it until now or very very recently.
Some of my "best" friends in school, and even after school. I thought they were my best of friends and never thought twice. Looking back, it's amazing to realize how much I did for them and how little I got back. I helped one of my best friends with money, all the time. I'd pay for their lunch almost daily. When they finally got a job, I don't remember them ever buying me lunch or anything like that. How could I not realize such obvious things at the time?
And the list goes on. I'm also a super people pleaser and am embarrassed for it, but it is how I was raised. At this stage, I'm pretty much with Dana's perspective and just try not to really do nice things for most or just about anyone because I feel like it'll never be returned. And I think I have and do it now even to people that SHOULD be getting that from me, because they are or at least I think they are the ones I can trust with a two-way street of niceness and helpfulness.
So yea, I've been taken advantage of, a lot. Sorry for the rant, but again I'm just realizing what has been happening around me for my entire life and it is pretty depressing. Sorry for your experiences Dana and everyone else here, it really sucks.
Completely normal experience for us. We know exactly how you feel.
Same. I can relate to all of that. It has gotten a lot better for me, but recently another one popped into my head and it makes me angry. I feel like a hard pit in my chest. I wish I could go back and redo things. But with work we get better we don’t have to keep reliving those same scenarios. And hopefully we can receive some healing through preventing other people from doing this as much as we did. You’re not alone.
I recently just “emotionally divested” from my brother, which was hard to do. To put this in context, I like to think of reciprocity as a communal thing, rather than a two way street. If I am personally getting my needs met, it can come from anywhere. If I’m supporting someone, it can be anyone. Who I support and who supports me don’t have to be the same people. BUT when that balance doesn’t work out for me, I HOPE I can turn to the people I have been supporting for my own support. When that fails, I withdraw support from them because I’m not in a position to offer that, and because they’re not there for me in a time of need. I hope this makes sense. Not everything can be a two way street, BUT when you support system fails, you gotta divest from some people and invest in others.
i feel this so much. it's so difficult to meet new people when others will take advantage of you.
They take advantage because they can. Or they think they can. Usually they do.
Playing the fool around them is a particular pastime of mine.
I like to think that I am good at avoiding getting taken advantage of. But some stuff has happened. Mainly with people the government has paid to help me.
Being taken advantage of is a pain I know all too well. The few times I've been taken advantage of as a child haunt me to this day and my dad doesn't help by reminding me of those events whenever I go into a new social setting. Each time he does pangs me with guilt because I obviously know better now but it still beats me down to think I was that naive as a kid.
Your stories help me feel less alone in this topic. Thank you Dana
It's funny how quickly people turn sour the second we start saying "no" after being an unconditional "yes" person for so long. I also learned the hard way to be more reserved with what and when I give. People often tell me that they didn't expect me to say something or behave in a certain way if it is in any way assertive or aggressive, such as swearing or verbally expressing anger or annoyance. I think I must either look like or give off a 'nice/kind person' vibe, and it unsettles them when I start to show another side of me. I do tend to go from 1-100 sometimes though, which understandably can shock people. I hide a lot of what I've been really thinking and feeling until I reach my tolerance threshold, at which point any resulting emotion might seem to have 'come out of nowhere' to others, whereas in fact it was there all along, just hidden out of their awareness and sight. I wonder if this is a defence mechanism - if they can't tell how I'm really feeling or what I'm really thinking, then they can't take advantage of me, or if they do they might have some surprises thrown right back at them because I'm not who they think I am. A resulting issue that I have with this mechanism is that I feel I can't easily form genuine relationships because I am forever suspicious and waiting for someone to try and take advantage of me. Thank you for sharing your experiences in this video, this has given me a lot to think about and helped me to realise why I could be struggling to form lasting true relationships.
I think it’s just practice and starting slow. It’s good that you’re checking those impulses. For me I want to help everyone, and I had to pause on every impulse to buy a strangers groceries, for example. Or solve others problems. For me, I have a theory of fractal social upliftment that I use to guide me. Since we’re such good pattern-noticers, we might as well come up with a patterned way of supporting people while getting our needs met. So I would first name your needs and desires, and then figure out how that aligns with a pattern of supporting others. For example, you might love music, and you’ll say: I’m not visiting my family until I finish learning this song. Then once you finish the song you can share it with whoever, and you’ll be in a more empowered position when you socialize with people who have heard the song or support your new accomplishment.
I was diagnosed late in life but for years I have felt like I have sucker tattooed on my forehead because anytime someone needs something they come to me because I can’t say no
With practice you will learn how to accept nice things.It’s not easy at first. People pleasing-How do you feel in the first 3 seconds? Do you feel a nudge of doubt? Listen to it. You can burn out if you keep pleasing. Especially if it’s at your expense. What do you want? Not because people say do it. Your own ambitions? Focus on them and sometimes help but learn to know real boundaries. I don’t know if I’m explaining this right. I was a people pleaser who was trained to be a slave! I’ve been abused & nearly killed for it. I can no longer be around people as a result.
What I’m trying to say is you need to try to find a balance. Maybe give time for a charity where what you do will make a difference which can be rewarding especially if it’s something you believe in. We wear our hearts on our sleeves & people are cruel & twisted but come across as nice it’s a facade & a game. We are beacons of shining light in a world with not much light & it attracts the wrong people not the ones we would like. It hurts in many ways physically & emotionally. Learn strategies to help mitigate these issues what works for 1 person might not work for you but there’s no harm giving it a go. Liked your video. I just hope I made sense. I’m a little fogged up right now.
I take things literally to sayings like “do your best” so I would do my all where I give up most of my spoons for certain things NTs would never do. After taking a step back, I still carry a sense of guilt of “what ifs” even though I don’t carry as much stress. It’s truly a double edge sword.
If someone has issues with your decision, why not letting them to speak it out? Doing that is my way to break guilt away from me.
I like what you said about saving the kind part of yourself for the people who deserve it!
None of this is your fault. You have a good work ethic and are conscientious. These people are responsible for their own behavior. I can definitely relate. I've been taken advantage of all my life and it's not always easy to tell right away and I have often thought that if we stop doing anything in relationships with others it will be constant instability and a stream of goodbyes. I'm in my 60s and am about done because that is what it's come to. People either lose interest in me when they feel I have nothing more to offer or when I need anything from them or they become mean and nasty and I have to end the friendship. It is really exhausting to be the more committed one.
I breed rats and meet alot of people who adopt from me. I had a friend for about 2 years who acted like she loved me and really wanted to spend time with me and after her rats got old and passed away she became less and less invested in the friendship.
In the beginning I thought she accepted me and didn't treat me differently because of my being autistic but it ended badly when she started canceling plans with me and telling me she was going to do something with her kids of husband those days instead. She seemed to not care that she was treating me as unimportant and acted as though it was her prerogative to just blow me off and stand me up. The relationship reached the point at which she barely spoke to me on PM on Facebook just sending me cute pictures, and not there for me in practical ways or even for emotional support. Then when I asked her for two small favors when I was getting a new puppy to replace the 15 year old that had recently died she sent me a very callous message telling me I shouldn't get the breed of dog I was planning and refusing to help me with a reference to a rescue organization or to go bring home a pen I found for my future puppy. I was not even asking her for any money but she started acting like I couldn't handle it because of my physical disabilities and went into this long diatribe about how important to her her weekends were and about having teenage kids, etc. That never stopped her from getting together with me before and we used to go to that store before many times and she would buy things there too.
I pointed out that I had everything covered and that I am an experienced dog owner who have always had working breeds and have worked as a trainer in the past for a dog breeder of big, high energy dogs, and that all I needed from her was to drive there to the store where I was getting the pen and I would take care of the set-up and taking it out of her car.
She made it very clear after almost a year of ignoring me that if I didn't let her control my whole life and tell me what to do that it was her way or the highway and that she could get anything she wanted but had different standards for me. It was clear then that she didn't view me as her equal. That was the straw that broke the camel's back for me. and I knew it was useless to work this out because I would forever be one-down, so I walked away at that point and didn't even respond to her nasty and ableist message.
Relate so much to this, I've literally done more free labour in my life than paid, been abused and taken advantage of at like every stage of my life. Worse still, I'm a wreck of a person who spends their days helping people because I don't want anyone to suffer like I have...and many of those people eventually abandon me once my usefulness has ended 🙃at this point I take the point I get ditched as a job well done 😅
I'm the exact same... but recently I've realized that "service" type of relationship, only helping people when they're vulnerable but not ever revealing yourself, makes them put you on a pedestal that will eventually crumble. I've pulled back from a lot of my more emotionally exhausting interactions and instead try to notice and grab the opportunities people give me to talk about my own feelings. There's not a lot of those opportunities but they do exist, and you miss them when you're too busy trying to fix everyone else, and when you find someone giving you that opportunity you'll know they're interested in you beyond whatever service you provide for them. Best of luck - you are worth more than you're giving yourself credit for, you obviously have a kind heart and a real care for people underneath all the overcompensation. :)
pretty bad things have happened to me both because i didn't realize important things and because of fawn response. i often don't realize how i feel about something until i'm out of that situation, and it sucks because it means i do a lot of things i end up regretting or that turn out to really hurt me or hurt others, and i'm completely oblivious until it's too late and a lot of damage has been done. my only solution is asking those around me before i get into things, especially online. that of course can turn into an unhealthy dependence and inability to make my own decisions, but i'm trying to find a balance.
the things you talk about interest me a lot and i appreciate you sharing your voice and thoughts. it makes me feel less alone and helps me learn things about myself as well. thank you for taking the time and work to create Dana 🐛
Sad how relatable this is :(
Thank you for this video. As an autistic person people have taken advantage with me and I have never known it. It has taken close people to tell me. So hard for me not to spot when it was happening
I can relate, this is why I choose not to let a lot of people into my life anymore and close myself off.
Totally relate to this! It hasn't got any easier as I've got older, sadly
I felt all of this so much. I've been in plenty of narcissistic relationships that stayed for the benefits i was providing. It's so hurtful, especially when you reflect what they gave back to you.
I had a really bad experience at work, where a ex-boss set my extremely complicated data tasks to do I was not properly trained in and she blamed me for not being trained enough, when she left me hanging for the interiority of my time there and she was a shouter, so I didn't feel safe to stick up for myself. In the end I had a nervous breakdown at work because of her unpredictable behaviour. My work said they would support me in moving me to another team, where they as well then left me to work out wtf I was meant to be doing. The whole experience traumatised me as a AuDHD person. I have started to rebuild my confidence back up where I am currently retraining to go into another industry where I should be treated better. But it made me worry for other neurodivergent people in that company / industry as people treated so many others with disdain.
I got caught in the same "volunteer" situation at a reptile zoo type thing. Was never paid but other than that the owner treated my like the paid employees. Reptiles and other exotics are my special interest, I was happy just to get to be there.
Called out sick once and I got scolded and made to feel like a horrible person for not being there and was "fired".
Only realized that I and other autistics were being taken advantage of in this way. He seeked out ND people because he knew we would do free work just to be around the animals.
Luckily he got shut down, not sure why though.
This video is absolutely amazing, yet another one that just reaches into my soul. There was a period of about 2 years where I was trying to help this lady stay off the street, long story short, I wound up going about $40k in debt and losing the car I inherited from my grandpa cause I lent it to her and she destroyed it over time... I would get her a hotel room or air bnb for a couple nights because *something* was always just about to break, a friend was gonna take her in, something, but she would call me screaming and crying in agony cause her back problem was preventing her from sleeping in the car I lent her... And every single time through massive effort I got her into a more stable, permanent situation, she would always manage to find something wrong or piss off the hosts or roommates so badly she would get kicked out. I stupidly set about trying to solve all those problems for her, but she kept just squandering my help, that's what really made me stop, not the $40k, not losing my marriage, but the fact that she was so stupid that I felt like my efforts were just being dumped in a black hole.
Reminds Me of when I was working in a car dealership as a cleaning woman, with this other girl, and she would always go off and say, “ I’ll clean this part, and you clean over there” and then one day happened when she was sick and didn’t have to come in And I realized it took me the exact same amount of time to clean everything on my own as it would have with her doing the shift with me… so I’m not for sure but I’m pretty certain she was just letting me do all the work and collecting a check for a job she didn’t actually do👀…
i’m sixty plus years old and only JUST beginning to see this stuff about myself… even with tons of abuse and trauma i still have always managed to blame myself…
i’m so happy [and can i say proud] to see you and other younger people figuring these things out -AND TALKING ABOUT IT so others too will learn that this kind of shit is not okay and to start being able to see it 🌸
Having keys and a late boss b
basically describes my job in a sandwich shop years ago only i was paid £1 an hour for being the goafer when everyone else had a half decent wage and did i realise i was beung taken as a mug..... Did i f***k! 😂
Amen to that 🙏 its hard because you feel bad and you dont wanna be cut off. But in the end its significantly safer for ones sanity haha
Not just autistic people.
One of the hardest workers I've known is bipolar, but she cannot hold down a "real" job to save her life. I'll cross paths with her and find her working her tail off for some entrepreneur. I'll ask her if she's getting paid, and the answer is always no. Breaks my heart.
I relate to all of this so hard.
You also seem really, really cool.
For me it’s just I feel so lazy and guilty because I haven’t found work I can do yet without burning out and becoming suicidally depressed within a couple weeks, I feel so useless and worthless and lazy and so when someone asks me to do something for them I feel like if I say no I’m being even more of a burden than I usually am
Sending a hug cuz I remember feeling exactly the way you explained in this comment.
It was a very long and difficult climb from that struggling place. But now I’m finally self-employed with online contracts. Not earning enough to live in the states yet tho 😅 I’ve been living abroad where costs are lower.
Just wanted to let you know that you’re not alone, and things can change, in fact they definitely will change. Blessings on your journey ✨
@plasmabat718 You just described what I feel every single day of my life to a "T" 😢 I want soooo badly to be a full functional member of society and dream of it daily. But I can never mustard up enough energy to do everything everyone else is able to do. I feel worthless. And even worse when a friend or loved one asks me for a favor, I always feel like I have to say yes but then get so angry at myself because I know how much energy it will take away from my own day and goals. So I resent them. But I know it's not their fault. It's mine for saying yes and not having the strength to tell them the truth. which is that if I do this for you, my stuff won't get done. And the cycle repeats itself 😢
Hey Dana, thanks for making these videos. At least for me, I think this is an especially rough subject to tackle because it touches on so many different insecurities. Am I taking too much, expecting too much, being too forward, not giving enough? Am I being too selfish by not giving other people more, or am I already giving more than I have? Am I inflating my self-worth or am I purposefully overlooking my drawbacks... again? Are their reactions honest, or are they after something? Am I harming the relationship by doubting them?
It feels as if there is very little stable ground when it comes to judging when a relationship is "acceptably equal". I find the best way to deal with it is to remember that everyone involved is making an active choice to be there, myself included. So long as everyone involved chooses to be there and doesn't raise any concerns... spending energy on worrying about a workload imbalance is just rethinking stuff everyone is content with in their current form. When and if shit gets bad... I'll know, whether I worried about it for a year beforehand or not.
I think that both my parents were autistic, but weren't diagnosed, so far as I know.
My mother did most of the work around the house, but didn't like it when she thought she was being taken advantage of, or just not appreciated.
If she was cooking a meal, I would offer to mash the potato, or make the gravy or sauces. I did those things, mainly because I couldn't stand it if those foods had lumps in. 😂
Btw, I've never voted Tory in my life.
Never here either the nasty party
literally every single part of this i related to, oh my god. i legitimately enjoy doing nice things for other people, its one of the main ways i demonstrate love and i believe it's a critical part of community and relationship building, but also i think of it as the barrier to entry for my being tolerated - which means that when someone does something nice for *me* i have no idea how to handle it, and i fear it'll be held over my head as a debt later down the line. my childhood has definitely not factored into this deeply ingrained thought pattern dont worry about it (
Hi Dana. Your story about the nightmare ex-boss at the video store really hit home. It's so hard for us N.D folks to establish when someone is abusing us at work; it's quite another thing to advocate for yourself once you recognize it's happening. Really, really scary stuff for the ND person when a boss changes from "safe and friendly" to intimidating; especially when they blur those lines between personal and professional. As if it's not hard enough looking for work in the first place when you're autistic! After an experience like that it makes it twice as hard.
I think you titled this video perfectly. Not enough people are aware this thing can happen. I got myself into (and out of) a veery similar situation back in 2021 and I haven't been able to work full time since. This video was so helpful for me; I sincerely hope you've managed to reclaim all of the special interest that you lost when that work situation became unbearable!
I also experienced this. Its constant in my life. Seems like I'm a joke sometimes
Haha "If i don't survive it'll be because of the Torys". You tell em.
Also, you said it how it is regarding setting boundaries when it comes to give and take in a relationship.
Why do we go to this extent? I'm thinking this is the same instinct that makes me save and adopt sick animals.
This is ME.
It's SO rough.
Thank you for sharing your experiences with me. I don't know how to realise in the moment that people have motives and are making conscious choices to take advantage of me. It's such a horrible feeling of betrayal when I can finally SEE it, but it's always AFTER the fact . It makes me feel so hurt and confused about what has been true, genuine and real about their feelings, their friendship, everything. I want to have healthy experiences but they inevitability result in this awful repetition. I see clearly that I need to figure it out and not engage in behaviour that might encourage manipulative tactics, but again, it's normally after the fact and a great deal of time and anguish that I figure it out. I want to protect myself from that harm, and I want to protect THEM from making choice's to harm me.
the amount of times i checked in with the counsellor, during my sessions, is absurd. it 'just' happened! im way too considerate of others, find it difficult to step away from that compulsion. But i am being forced in to it because i have to stop - its been detrimental to me. your videos are always relatable. thank you
Never considered my whole life I may be autistic...things make so much sense thanks to folks sharing their experiences...Thank You!!!!!
You may or may not want to expand on this, but I (as an AS adult) have only ever really had benefits as income, by only being paid up to £200 a month at most really proves why we need this support, did you have benefit support to fall back on whilst only being paid that much?
The best advice anyone will ever give you. Is to try and stay away from other people as much as you can. Have hobbies and interests instead, and forget evil friendship. Otherwise other people will bully you, steal off you, abuse you and and take advantage of you. - You are almost always better off on you own. - Make hobbies and interests your friends, and accept that for people like us it's always going to be a lonely life.
Omg. Not getting hourly wage for that long for 12 hours/day. No. You were opening and closing. How could u ever think u were taking advantage of him? No. You need a close neurotypical friend or two to remind you how you deserve to be treated and to point it out when you are not being treated right. Those people who offer you that support/effort are the ones you should offer support to. Then you shouldn’t feel bad when they reciprocate. Nurture those relationships. You cannot help people who won’t help themselves. Unfortunately, we often help a lot of people who simply don’t help themselves, and as soon as you’re done giving them what they want, they’re done being your “friend.” And that’s not most people. That’s just some people. And we autistic people have gigantic neon signs on our heads that narcissists, manipulators, and users can see. The people who offer you the support and help are the people who you should be putting your energy into.
Also, this trait we have is called, “context blindness.” I have battled that so badly. I have come a long ways but I still catch myself again allowing someone to treat me poorly after thinking i had this thing down. I have delayed reaction. I pay close attention now to my feelings so when I get a bad feeling, I investigate it. It’s like part of my body knows that someone is not good for me even if my conscious mind hasn’t figured it out. So I might not respond in the moment, but if I investigate that feeling, then I might figure it out and avoid further contact with that person. Every situation is different so I don’t trust that I am ever going to be consistently adept at responding in the moment. Therefore, I must be careful. The last experience was a date which made me realize dating is just stupid, particularly for autistic people. Whoever thought it was a good idea to take two people who barely know each other, and then send them off alone together? A better idea is getting to know the person through friend groups before going on a date, or meeting at a public location where there will be other people. I know that I have context blindness. Therefore, I have to take precautions. And if I have a bad feeling and I can’t figure out what it means then I will talk to my sister or my bestie.
So yeah, don’t do what I’ve done and spend your life helping people who won’t help themselves because you can’t help them. I can’t help them. They don’t change. They are like black holes that just suck all of our energy until we are finally sick and exhausted, and you will be exhausted and bitter eventually if you keep letting yourself be taken advantage of. Nurture the friendships with the people who give to you, and who are reliable and considerate, and give back to them instead of giving to people who only take from you. It doesn’t make you “one of those people”. You do things for them because it is a way to express how much you like them, and reciprocate by allowing them to express how much they like you by doing nice things for you, because it feels good to make another person feel good. Allow them that joy. Be happy. Have a happy life. You’re awesome and sweet and you deserve to be treated nicely. People who do not do thoughtful things for you, do not like you the way you like them. I am sorry. They are using you. And the reason they don’t feel that way for you is not because of any lack in you. It’s a lack in them. I have three neurotypical besties that are extremely generous and thoughtful, and a number of other friends who are also that way, so it’s not true what the other person said about nt’s. Unfortunately, that is a false belief that comes from the neon sign on our heads. No. It’s because we attract users and manipulators.
I have this boundaries problem too but I don't have any parents issues, I don't need validation, I don't care what those people think about me. I don't even need them. I do this even with people I hate. I think it's the super-empathy.
That's exactly how i felt about the first barn i took lessons at- i "volunteered" there for 4 years and did more work and was there longer than the people who actually did work there, i was breifly paid as farm hand but was expected to weed eat and use a chainsaw (🤯) and a giant leaf blower that weighed more than i do, PLUS clean 38 stalls and get 25 horses in and out by 2pm, i just couldn't do it that fast, i was so physically exhausted i was crying as i worked, and the lady who owned the barn came to me one day and informed me that i needed to be able to clean 38 stalls in 3 hours, something that was not possible for me because i couldn't half-a** it like the guys did, i cared about the horeses and i wanted the place to look nice, because i cared so much about it and all the horses there- well, i got Covid, and had to stop working for a week and when i tried to go back the barn owner was just like, yeah, no, you weren't working out, you did a great job but yada yada, and i told her i HAD to earn money somehow for my lessons (ALL the barn labour, plus i was volunteering, unpaid, helping with lessons on top of everything else, and i couldn't so much as ride a horse without paying for the ride) i had to earn money and I can't handle normal jobs anymore, so she told me to start coming in and working Saturdays (for free) and if it worked out she would pay me- well, i did that, plus helping with multiple lessons a week, i was there at least 4 days a week, and at this point was paid for NONE of it, nor was i allowed to ride, and that's all i wanted, they didn't HAVE to pay me as long as i could ride, i was still happy to pay for a lesson a week, i just couldn't afford more than that, and saddle time is so crucial especially as a beginner- anyway, i worked Saturdays for free for several months, unwittingly training my teenage replacement, who started working, paid, alongside me, who still wasn't getting ANYTHING.
She also got to ride for free.
She was 14.
Annnnnd her mom was on the barn's board of directors for the therapy non-profit side, so that's apparently what you need there, money was all they cared about.
I poured MY SOUL, my blood sweat and tears into this place thinking if if i just worked hard enough and did enough extra i would belong and get to ride the horses that needed to be exercised (they let the teenage girls who lessoned with rich parents do that, even when they didn't volunteer or do free work. I had to pay for EVERY SINGLE SECOND i spent on a horse there.
I had a panic attack when the girl told me she was starting Saturdays paid, they took absolute disgusting advantage of my loyalty and my desire to learn and ride and my love for the horses, all while letting the girls whose parents had money do anything they wanted.
It burned me bad, people kept telling me i was being taken advantage of, but I wanted these people to be good and i wanted to belong there so badly, i just couldn't let myself see it...
Now i am at another barn, and at least I get paid, but only for two hours of work, my required tasks take AT LEAST 5-6 hours, i am still working way too hard for free, although at least i get to ride for free whenever i want, that's kept me hanging on, but i recently got kicked in the chest by a horse that is known to be difficult and has hurt other people, i had to go to the ER, $4116 that neither the barn manager nor the horse owner offered to help with at all, actually she didn't even reach to see if i was okay (i broke a rib) i missed 3 weeks of work and depsite the fact that the barn manager legally should have worker's comp she didn't offer to help at all, my riding instructor who is not affiliated with the barn at all raised money for me, the lady who manages the barn is taking advantage of all the workers, it's really starting to get me down, that they didn't care to take responsibility wjen i got hurt doing my job, i wouldn't TOUCH that crazy horse otherwise, it isn't fair but i hate conflict and change and i just keep hoping people will be decent, but most of them won't, they aren't decent, i need to learn that...
Anyway.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk, haha...
I'm very sorry you went through that
I feel like the best I've found to prevent this happening is to never trust anyone to the point of stopping constantly watching for problems. I can't do charity work, I think because I'm terrified I wouldn't be able to tell the difference between that and this. Then people suggest charity work as a way to make contacts for the social manipulation required to have a chance of finding a job.
I’ve been taken advantage of for so much of my life. I want to speak up against it, but I fear of the negative consequences. I find it hard to say no, I feel that I need to please everyone, even tho I know I can’t please everyone.
Girl, I just found this vid and I cannot tell you how much I relate. In my mind as an autistic girl, it's just principle to pay people back, to do things for others, and to return favors. I give people a lot and I'm not expecting anything in return in most situations, but I guess I do expect people to at least offer to help when and where they can. And to be decent people generally.
For example, if we go on a trip and I pay for everyone's lodging, I think it's okay to expect a Venmo back for their portion. Even if they let me know they need a payment plan or something. But I can't tell you how many times I've had to bug people to do a simple payback for something where it IS socially expected to pay that person back. I can't help but feel like they avoid it and try to brush it off because they think I'll be "too nice" to really push.
I'm just tired. Why can't people just work the way we work lmao?
Fantastic! Such an important topic. I have a very long history of allowing myself to be taken advantage of too. You're spot on - the people who do this to us should know better.
You were just trying to survive and better yourself. By doing volunteer work, you gained skills and proved you are a productive worker. As an autistic person, I've had similar experiences. Because we face so much discrimination, we have very little leverage. Thus, we try to people please and hope that someone will somewhat reciprocate and give us a chance. In my case, most of the time they don't reciprocate and simply take advantage of me.
Oh my gosh, I so want to cook for you now and put on some nice Doctor Who! But I hate cooking… It's probably safer for me to order a pizza. But if cooking were a thing I did, I'd love to! xD
I agree with you I like my independence and I totally hear what you’re hearing or saying
Watching your videos has made me aware of the fact that I was very much taken advantage of at my last longer lasting job. My line manager or whatever it is called in English made me do so much for her in unrealistic deadlines, and she barely even answered my messages. My boss as well would knowingly put me in situations that she full well knew would be damaging for me. The thing was I also loved the work itself (it was my special interest). That’s how they get you.
Ex told me he didn’t like me but I came with benefits and you’re not egotistical for knowing you’re a great partner or person. I know that now I’m a fcking great person because I know how I treat others I do it because in my opinion is the bare minimum to just treat people right there are too many people out there to treat others wrong. Not wanting to be part of that crowd is okay. I now know that’s just part of my values I treat others how I treat myself. I also know people who try to milk me of that when I give just enough don’t deserve me. You don’t get to be greedy with what I offer at my own will and take advantage of me.
Relating very hard. TY.
I had a girlfriend and we were together every weekend. I needed to travel 3 hours to get to her. And in 1 weekend she was video chatting with her ex while I was downstairs with her mother. I can't remember what she told me she would do but I didn't know she was video chatting with her ex. A serious case of taking advantage of my belief in other people's goodness.
I have also had experiences where I have loved a job from the beginning only to eventually be taken advantage of. I'm sorry you've went through that as well
For me it also plays into the idea from your "Why Autistic People Can't Work" video. When someone asks me to do something I usually say yes or else I think it will put my job in security (rightfully so) so I just do everything a boss tells me to do and do most favors co-workers or customers would ask instead of putting my own self first and being like, "No, I can't do that right now. Maybe later, maybe someone else could. But I cannot do that right now" because that can either put the job in jeopardy or cause the person hearing it to take out their own feelings on you. And having to try to mask through all of that to try to have any sense of financial stability
Nice video, thank you
I just wanted to leave a quick comment and say that I can highly relate in so many ways. I love your Clerks and Dogma posters!!
Eventually we will be hurt so often that we will merge into a massive supervillan and make all the NT's take a time out until they learn😊
My former best friend from college told me it was too hard to be friends with me, after 10 + years of friendship, simply because I'd stopped letting her take advantage of me. We used to write stories together, but I ended up doing all the work later on, and she was trying to dictate who my characters were and how I wrote them.
We were in a DnD group together, with her cousins and work friends. The others got annoyed with me when it took me a minute or two to process what was going on and what my character should do. I tried to explain that I was paying attention and taking notes, but my brain doesn't multitask.
They also graded each person on how they played their character, which stressed me out. I thought DnD was supposed to be for fun. Anyway, they didn't want to be patient with me and kicked me out of the group. My friend didn't defend me. She joined in, agreeing with the others. Then she expected me to come back like nothing had happened when she was running a campaign, and I should let her dictate my character.
There was a lot more, but I finally had to tell her that she had hurt me too badly, and I couldn't pretend nothing had happened. She said it was too hard to be my friend.
What she meant was It is too hard for HER to be a PROPER friend to you.
Thank you , for your kindness. 🙏
Have you heard of Pathological Demand Avoidance? Might be something you connect with. It's common with us autistic people and people with ADHD
My sister tricked me into moving in with her after my folks died, She takes all my money, beats & gaslights me. I'm lucky if I get a meal.
Love listening to you☆♡
I feel seen.
Can totally relate to this
Please don’t be so hard on yourself. Everyone makes errors of judgement in relationships, especially people who are not NT. I hope you will be able to get over feeling uncomfortable when people want to do nice things for you. It’s a really good sign that the person likes you for who you are and not for what you do for them. You enjoy doing nice things for the people you care about, so bear in mind that it’s the same for them. Feeling good about someone doing something nice for you is a way of doing something nice for them, because you’re giving them the opportunity to experience the same good feeling that you get by doing nice things for them. That last sentence is a bit convoluted; I can’t think of a better way to phrase it though, so I hope it makes sense.
"Did you inform anyone about your situation, and how did it conclude? Did you simply not show up one day? I have a suspicion that the taxman somehow became aware that you were working for him. Perhaps someone reported this to him or something. Why would the person employing you illegally inform the taxman? He wouldn't. The taxman must have found out somehow; perhaps he has spies or something. Who knows? Perhaps the taxman himself shops in your shop, and you just don't know who he is. Yes, spies who spy on shops are a real thing. Hopefully, you didn't provide him with any invoices. If you did, they would have to be under a company name you would have to produce. I personally think he probably got caught by the taxman. It is also possible that he informed you that he was avoiding the taxman because, in the adult world, many people are avoiding the taxman for various reasons. So, there's a shared interest there. Some people, in your position (this is the wrong opinion, in my opinion), would say, 'At least I'm getting something, better than not having a job at all. And if the taxman intervenes, I won't get any money at all because the taxman will want him to pay his taxes, pay me a living wage, which he won't do, which means I'll lose my job.' As I said, I don't think like this, but some people who are desperate for jobs are. They're content with a low wage and won't ask for a pay rise, or if, as he says, they're self-employed, they won't raise their prices."
OooOOooOoooooO i spy with my nosy little eyes a clerks and dogma poster back there.....are you a view askewniverse fan??
OooOOooOoooooO you were 16 with a weirdly older (for that age) bf that you moved in with too? How (not) fun for us!!!
Massively! Kevin and Jay are coming to a Comic-Con near me in May so I recently bankrupted myself to make sure I get a picture with them 😂
@DanaAndersen duuuuuude, so worth it tho!!!!
I have ADHD autism and bpd I had a terrible time being used and conned when I was younger. The classic occurance was trusting people. The classic was people would get me to do something for them or get me to give them something then get rid of me. Its best we understand narcissistic behaviour so we don't let people take advantage of us. Saying no to people is the only way to not let people take advantage of us. We can be polite and say that is not sensible sorry. We can either behave in a stupid way or a sensible way. And do what is good for us. Understanding that people are too interested in themselves. Has helped me alot and not taking it personally if people are being disrespectful. Noticed peoples tone of voice and facial expressions. Smart people want to gain and don't want to loose out.
So like, something I don't understand, is taking advantage of people intentional?? Like I feel like there is no way it can be, I can't even fathom what kind of mindset someone would be in where they think "I am going to take advantage of this person 😈" and it makes me worry that I might unintentionally take advantage of someone
Your videos are the best.
💯💯💯
Tbh with that job I think they started taking advantage of you the moment they offered you unpaid work while saying that they didn’t have room for another employee. They wanted your labour, but didn’t want to compensate you for it.
I don’t think you’re wrong, but I did offer just because I thought it was such a cool business. Sure, a better person would have maybe said no, but I desperately wanted to get to hang out there and was more than happy to do some work to get to do so
I can't listen to your saying you worked twelve hours a day for free... and got treated badly. It makes me feel so bad to hear that
What's a Tory? Is this a British term because I've never heard of it, being that I'm from the US. Also, it sucked that you were treated the way you do. Once I learned that I was Autistic myself and learned more about it, I looked back on my past and see where I was likely taken advantaged of. In the past, my dad will tell me, "Don't let anyone take advantage of you." But in my mind, I've been always like, "How??!!"
I still don't know how to do that for many other possible scenarios. I don't know what it is, but it seems like a neurotypical thing to see right through it so much better than us. Of course, it doesn't mean it never happens to neurotypical people because it does. I guess some things are more obvious to them than us, so it's harder to do. I am aware of a book that talks about this subject for Autistic women to be informed on how to avoid when it comes to relationships with men (and I'm assuming it can apply for those with other women too). It's kind of an old book as far as I can tell, being that it specifically address this to women diagnosed with Aspergers when the term was still used. I haven't read it yet, but hopefully it still applies to today! Also, I hope you'll encounter people that'll treat you much better than you were in previous relationships and in any setting!
The Tory party was the old name of the Conservative party in the UK
Are you a fan of Kevin Smith?
I don’t mind him
Pretty sure this dude was just an abusive POS in all aspects of his life, and that's why it was so difficult at home. I had someone at work who took advantage of me, and their family ended up fleeing the state from them. Not to downplay the autism aspect, but some people just suck.
every not want to order hospital food because you dont want someone else not to have it?
you said you were a volunteer then you said you were getting paid and that it wasn't a proper job if he's paying you it is a job where he's possibly paying you a slave wage which is illegal
That's what happens to me especially with money I seem to be a big Target lately and also Phil victims since I also have ADHD on top of the autism it makes it really bad and people can get me riled up really easily and then I make poor decisions examples are yelling out the windows in the vehicle as they're doing it and laughing that's one of the traits to the ADHD side of How It's experienced in on my end of things but as far as the autism goes I'm pretty much an open Target to people therefore I never leave my house anymore or date at all because it's really awkward whenever I don't converse at all which I don't like not talking at all I just wish I was more sociable
The best advice anyone will ever give you. Is to try and stay away from other people as much as you can. Have hobbies and interests instead, and forget evil friendship. Otherwise other people will bully you, steal off you, abuse you and and take advantage of you. - You are almost always better off on you own. - Make hobbies and interests your friends, and accept that for people like us it's always going to be a lonely life.