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How Covert Narcissists Cause Emotional Flashbacks In YOU
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 15 ส.ค. 2024
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"The Story I'm telling myself' - Brene Brown 🤓 thank you for your content
This video is a keeper. I relate so much to this. She did this to me for years. Flirted and complimented everyone except me. She tore down my self esteem to the point that I put up with it. I can't believe I let someone do that to me.
It is crazy... I've experienced similar scenarios. I didn't want a relationship for the sake of it, and I was comfortable with my own company. She was aware of this and slowly eroded my defences away to the point where I thought she genuinely loved me and it was safe and 'right' to have a relationship with her.
Ultimately she was not safe or right, and my intuition was and I allowed my heart and mind to be tricked..listen to your intuition.
Gut feeling never wrong
Yes I saved this my ex did this covert....
There such experts at making you feel absolutely worthless. One exercise that works well, is to imagine yourself going up to your younger child self in the past and simply talking and telling your younger self that theirs nothing wrong with you, their never was, that you did the best you could in the environment that you were in. And give yourself a big hug. Its a powerful way to condition the subconscious
This has happened to me as adult in my 60s! Just several years ago.
I'm 62 I'll do that thanks
@@margiel2180 I'm not to far behind you on the timeline ~ I still deal with my 80 year old mom and my sister. Both are Narcissists. But it's great we live in a time were all this info is finally out. I had a mother who would deliberately act like she didn't hear a question I would ask, so of coarse I repeated myself, and before I could get to the second word BOOM !! She would SCREAM IN MY FACE answering the original question ( which means she heard all the words the first time ) The entire thing was a complete setup designed to make you feel worthless and at fault. Also to make the narcissists feel like they were in control of you by making you repeat yourself. It was sad to see her doing this to her own grandchild ( whole new generation to play tricks on ) These people have NOOOOOO sense of Integrity at all. Its all a sick addiction with them. That was years ago ~ She no longer screams these days but does the classic invalidation and ignoring thing.
Before I knew what I was dealing with I used to ask, "why do you always have to rain on my parade?".
They can't stand anything going well for the victim. They are great at ignoring and or ruining annual events like birthdays and holidays, cut off their nose to spite their face, and their kids are not out of bounds for the same manipulation.
That is so true! The woman I was married to never celebrated my birthdays, always criticized or laughed at my accomplishments, but expected me to bend over backwards to celebrate hers.
Paused it at 5:33 because I had a flashback, several flashbacks... At my wedding, I was, of course, all dolled up, and my husband never said one word about how I looked (and I was even in his culture's clothes, not the typical white wedding dress). But you know what he DID say? He had women friends who came to the wedding and he said one in particular looked amazing. I felt so gutted, it made no sense to be completely ignored. I wasn't jealous at all, his friends did look amazing! It's the lack of being acknowledged at my own wedding, just a really weird eerie feeling. I'll never forget that.
All these "little things" add up. That if you point out one thing, it makes you look like you're reading into it or being sensitive. It's little things adding up and realizing it's a pattern meant to break you down where you feel like a nothing.
Other flashbacks... He destroyed my musicianship and my artwork... totally conditioned me to back off those hobbles. And disgustingly he now suddenly 16 years into knowing him wants to learn piano and do some painting and he's using MY stuff that's been shut away in a room for years because he conditioned me to stop those hobbies. I think this is my final mind F$ck where I know I have to get out.
Before therapy~ I would actually relive memories of past disrespect and imagine the person sitting on the passenger side of the car and would start yelling out-loud in the car screaming at them ( I must have looked crazy to others ) even though there was no one there. It was definitely full blown PTSD. I yelled so hard once that i couldn't talk for days. It was my subconscious minds way of dealing with the repressed trauma. I thank God and my therapist ~ once i started to talk things out in sessions and get my story out ~ I no longer yelled and screamed again like that . That taught me that the most damaging thing a person can do is to hold things in and not talk about them. But guess what, that's exactly what narcissists do to people, They stifle them and don't let any issues get resolved.
24 years and just found out little over a year ago, I thought I was flipping out
I like how Michele says it doesn't matter if the trauma happened at age 3 or 10 or 25 years old. I believe its because it's our soul that gets damaged and the soul is ageless
I want to cry this is what he hade done to me
I am a artist. When I force myself to produce artwork my work is successful. But it's a horrible and difficult internal battle.
I’m with you on this and I just remain patient until I get my motivation back. I do acrylic pouring and when I’m designing a new composition I need to think about my colors that I want to use and what type of pour I want to do. I’ve been putting my skiing ⛷️ on the back burner but I’m getting there. My little dog passing away has also stopped me because I’m still grieving and we were joined at the hip. I couldn’t prevent her from getting abused by the two narcissists in my life but after she came down with two serious health issues I’m coming to terms that I did all I could do. The trauma of everything is taking time and I understand that it will. I’ve been feeling fatigued lately so I just relax until I’m ready to get going. Thank you for sharing.
Excellent video. Could this also tie in with gaslighting? My covert narcissistic father has “selective” memory. He blocks out anything related to my childhood, and it seems intentional because when he genuinely forgets something from the past, his response is altogether different, but in this case, an immediate wall goes up as if he’s deliberately blocking the memory. If I look bewildered, he says, “You seem wounded,” or, “You’re being too sensitive,” and flips it around on me as if I was to blame for bringing it up. Sometimes, he’ll even remember certain parts of it with “great precision,” but block out the part involving ME. Although, he is elderly, he has an otherwise perfect memory (no senility or dementia).
Yes! This video is a KEEPER! Michele your in detail explanation is expertly told. You really know your stuff. Its rare for me to learn "new" things about the CN but today I learned more about my self than about her. This information that you are sharing is essential to anyone who is dealing with THE SILENT TREATMENT or has dealt with it in their past, and is still allowing it (myself included here) to rule our daily thoughts and emotions. Its one thing for a casual acquaintance to cut you off and give you THE SILENT TREATMENT but when someone (or an entire family) that you LOVE gives you SILENCE it is a killer. You are so right in this video. We must take ourselves back from them. That is proving very difficult here, but thanks to YOU and others like YOU who are educating us - we are thankful. Thank you for all you do.
Michelle thank you sooo much for this video. It really spoke volumes to my soul. I am actually experiencing everything you explained. And you also confirmed what I was thinking and feeling. I need to work on my trauma. Thank you again! ❤
❤ I cried because I realized I am not crazy and lazy. I knew what I felt but did not understand how deeply I am affected.
I read that book some years ago. At that time, it actually made me feel worse. When he said he still cries I thought OMG, this pain is never going to go away! Now I do a lot of yoga and I've started meditating. I'm still working on some CBT activities, and watching a lot of videos like this. You weren't around when I read this book--I think. The thing that threw me is both my parents were narcissists and yet I still fell for a (very useless, uneducated, ignorant, drunk) narcissist. Then after the discard he became my object of limerence--even though the devastating smear campaign, that continues til today for some godforsaken reason. He tried a little hoovering technique recently. Luckily I was onto him right away and didn't fall for it. My body language always says no to him, but my mind and body are saying something completely different. I think I've incorporated enough now to not get sucked into another narcissistic relationship. I'll be aware of my emotions and triggers and when this pattern comes up again, I'll run for the hills.
My covert narc Mother does this regularly. She always passive aggressively and indirectly brings up my flaws and regrets. I have been bordering on no contact because of this. it is really painful and I don't really want to feel that anymore.
This is the most painful and traumatic- the person denying giving you compliments, ignoring you , yet they compliment the other girl / person. It’s a horrifying experience that’s almost impossible to overcome.
That right there.. no longer complimenting me but can do it to someone else 😒😒😒
It’s been so long-35 years. No way out. I don’t even know who I was so I can get back to that person. Depression is only enough to shut down emotions (as opposed to staying in bed all day). Just numb. But Michelle, you are doing amazing work. Thank you for these videos.
i used to be socially aware and very passionate and talented in different fields 3:22 my weakness was feeling sad for those around me with less energy or blocked 4:55 yes so what I did more often was to invite them on my trail 6:206:30 6:476:52 yes , i now have abandoned everything that was giving myself stimuli and energy and happyness
5 years of relation and 3 years after getting dumped. I got to know i was the victim and my inferiority complex was slowly slowly seeded into me.(causing depression ,anxiety, self harm and what not)
covert narcissism is the most vicious snake there is.
thank you very much for such in depth analysis. I by myself could have never got to this solution. You are a lifesaver,cant thank you enough.
This explains everything of why I feel so worthless. Thank you. It's because of my childhood and what my father did and I'm being triggered and then it doesn't mean I'm not worth anything. It's just basically my subconscious. Telling me there is an overnight over again with neglect. Well, yeah, I'm gonna get better. Thank you so much.We'll listen to more and subscribe
I love you, Michelle. You are pretty and clear. It resonates when we mentioned exaggerated reactions for or with people who ...you don t steal even know, yet all the shame and shame spirals inside would jump to hunt you😱😰...understanding others cruel intentions is also crucial...but getting rid of all these things from my nervous system ....is feeling life again...
Yes this is happening to me. It on my mind all the time. How do I go on. And I once was a strong person - and now I am weak. I am quite busy. - but let me relax then I am down again
That happened to me so many times with my partner. Latest time I got an award at work in March. He said nothing. Sat there quietly. So I said I was going to bring my son. Then he looked at me. In my mind no positive coment yet clearly bothered I didn’t invite them. Make it make sense
Yes, I stifle myself all the time. I can relate to a lot of this.
Everything you are saying is so right on.
This is so very helpful! This explains so much … thank you for explaining this in such great detail. ❤
This is very timely! My narc wife and I have been separated for two and a half years now but I find myself getting emotional flashbacks all the time, and it covers places we frequented including certain churches, music of a particular type, seeing children, especially daughters with their fathers, because my daughter and I were close and she now prevents me from seeing her, and pursuing new relationships because I am afraid of getting too close to someone for fear she will hurt me in a similar fashion.
I have been single for 5 yrs now after healing, i actually needed this time to go inwards and take back my power. Narc father, family members, past relationships. I know whom i am. I can be happy on my own, if a relationship comes along, i know what i wont put up with. I say it, as it is... no hiding in the corner anymore. I gave 30 yrs of my life to this pattern, looping. Am done with it.... you bet!
I just bought a tank top!! Thank you for all you do!!💜
Perfect!
Thanks I really appreciate your channel
Your amazing, i cant thank you enough you enough for all your videos. ❤
Dear Ms. Lee you are really great terapist.... your last example in this video has really opened .my mind.. n i think its really going to help me lot n hope same to many peoples.
I wondered about this because it’s happening to me. I need to listen to your advice.
New viewer great communication, in depth.. necessary for individual to learn about these very intricate details 🧠
You just confirmed a theory I have had for years about myself.
When I was a kid my dad fat shamed me constantly even though I was underweight. Add to that, the fact that he pushed me by holding me in front of the bathroom mirror in a way that the only movement I could make was nodding my head. While holding me this way, he screamed over and over that I was ugly and yelled at me to say it. Nodding or saying yes wasn’t enough. I had to say the exact words, “Yes, it’s ugly.”
For years I didn’t feel any effects of that until one day as an adult in a narcissistic marriage where I was also fat shamed (this time I was actually fat due to having had my thyroid removed) I caught a reflection of myself in a window one day and noticed how fat I am. I have had mirror aversion disorder for the 20 years since then. But it has now also spread to pictures of me where you can see anything below the chest.
I always thought that the mirror aversion was due in part to my ex but it took that form (mirrors as opposed to some other object) because of my dad
I have a lot of that. I think I have ptsd
Thank you Michele ❤❤❤
Thank you! This was very helpful and educational for me.
Eight years I went thru this shit
How do you tell yourself that nothing is wrong with you when everyone disappeared? No one called; no one came back when she discarded me. I feel awful. I’m so alone. I have no hope.
Can validate this. While I turned a corner and exited from mine, it became so apparent when: (1) returning to church w/o expecting anyone else to go, the retort was "fine, go to church!" and (2) learning Fender Stratocaster, "isn't that going to be loud?" ...bottom-line, I stifled myself to the point of becoming an undead ghost in my own home. That was the low point. Blotting myself out of existence to accomodate and avoid ANY healthy personal needs and wants. 🤍
Michelle over coupling that was it. My wife had a very abusive relationship from age 18-21. I met her at 23 and her trauma brain blocked out her trauma. We got married when she was 26 and at age 38 her memories can back and she got flashbacks. She thought she was going crazy and I helped her pc together that what she was experiencing is flash backs from the past abusive relationship. She has been in therapy for 3 years and had me come into the appointments ever time. As time went on every night she had a flash back she became more and more afraid of me. Her counselor said because her flashbacks and memories came back to her while we are together her trauma brain over coupled me in her trauma brain by me being there when her flashbacks and memories came back. My wife knows it was not me who abused her and I’ve been a great loving husband but every night she has a flashback she looks at me and see me physically but feels as scared of me as she was from her ex Narcissist. On her good nights w/out flashbacks she is ok w/me but her flashbacks are almost nightly. I am shocked I’ve been over coupled in her trauma brain and my wife’s body goes really bad when I’m with her the day after a flash back and I don’t want her to see me and be scared of me because I’ve been over coupled in her trauma mind. Have you heard of this type of over coupling where the safe person me gets over coupled in a survives brain? I love my wife so much and do not want her to be physically scared of me 5-6 days a week because of her flashbacks ( I’m not in her flash back, her ex is) I don’t want to cause her pain. Her heart has closed her love off for me which I kinda get as her trauma brain sees me as a threat. Our marriage is ending because I’ve been over coupled in her trauma mind. Her therapist said she could uncouple me from my wife’s brain but I am under the impression that over couple meaning something is not supposed to be in her trauma brain (me) can’t be undone as it’s a brain change. Have you ever seen or heard of this where the spouse gets over coupled in other spouses. Trauma brain? I know you said one time it’s like being bit by a snake and it’s say front of a blue house so the blue house got over coupled in that scenario and the person is afraid of blue houses. I feel so sad for her and myself as I just want her to feel safe even if I have to set her free as I don’t want to cause her any pain
My friend noticed my change before I did
One thing i have learned is, if you try and act like the narcissist abuse isn't getting to you ( even though at some level it is) just to keep the narcissist from getting the satisfaction of stressing you out ~ You may end up unleashing those repressed emotion on others ( classic displacement ) I wont say what I did~but I acted against my own better judgment on someone and regret it even now ~ but as I look back, I now know that I acted that way because of all the damn ignoring and disrespecting gaslighting behavior of my narcissist mother that week in her house. Awful thing to talk to someone while there starring at a TV even when commercials play or wont lower the TV when your talking to them. Even more amazing how they stay focused on you like a laser the minute you talk about someone else ~ It's because the narc wants to betray you to that person.
My nerves fill shot
🔥😍🔥
First!
Michelle, I know I went through this, lots of trauma as a child and a narcissistic parent. I discovered Pete W's resources a few years ago and it was helpful. I'm worried now that i am a cov narc, I do sometimes struggle to express myself to my s.o., he is very poker faced and I've made it hard for us to be close. I keep wanting therapy due to my history and concerns about my son, but I have tried airing issues a lot. Hoping I model conflict resolution. Afraid I am displaying covert stuff too.
I’m in college trying to get my bachelors degree one day my husband and I were having a disagreement and it had nothing to do with school. He said you’re so stupid. This is why it takes you so long to do your homework. Is this a narcissistic behavior?
❤
Prayers for the lots of slaved people who is being controlled and manipulated by a long existing narcissistic and inherently deceptive and demonic ecosystem encompassing Brahmin patriarchy,Marxism and all like minded philosophy and their trade unions,tamil lobby,certain government organisations and some components of military and some entities of police(I myself being targeted and hunted by the saids for the past 20 years)🙏🏻
I'm curious why all these recover cache always try to cone up with new terms, new big words. Build stringer children, stop gaslighting them, " your special" teach them accountability.
can narcissistic abuse happen in workplace too?
Michelle, what is over lapping in trauma brain again. You told me once, I am not sure it’s called over lapping but example you used was a person gets bite by a snake and almost dies and it was in the yard of a blue house. So anytime that person dees a blue house they are scared? You said my wife could have over lapped the past trauma she suffered from an abusive relationship so now she is scared of all romantic relationships. Is that called over lapping?
6:56 7:10
Mam my ex gf was a narcissist. I had bad experiences with her but im not able to Move on from her. I have tried many times to contact her but she humiliates and shouts and ignores and devalues me infront of others. She is my classmate. I always ruminate about the past. I feel like i want her back. I wish she came back. But the relationship was only 5months but I can let her go. Do i have borderline personality disorder?
You are trauma bonded I guess.. please educate yourself on this.. I can understand it’s hard for you.. but someone who humiliates you is not worth your time..Take care
I'd recommend being very careful with self diagnosis or self labeling.