Your channel literally changed my life, I went to therapy because I was struggling with depression and you made me think that I deserve to be alive:) Thank you!!!♥♥
Same, Kati is a great influence in my life too. After months of fighting with myself I gathered the courage, strength and made the call today. I'm having my first appointment this thursday. Thanks to Kati and this community :) PS: Hell, it's gonna hurt, but bring it on! :D
TH-cam is such an amazing thing! How phenomenal is it that someone as smart, kind, and wise as Kati can touch SO many people with her videos and help change the stigma of mental health
Another way they manipulate you was doing favors for you that you didn’t ask for. Then when you don’t do what they want they can attack you and say look what I did for you
When she said “just know you deserve to have relationships that are full of joy, love, and mutual respect, not manipulation” I cried. Hard. I needed that.
People deserve to receive as well as give. Since therapy I see now that I'm the only one initiating everything. And now that I'm aware and expect to be loved it's been three weeks since we've been intimate (yes it's tuff on many levels). As my mind grows healthy I'm preparing to leave.
I avoid people who don't respect the word no or start a request for a favor with a big sob story instead of just asking. One person actually told me when asking to borrow something, "I'm calling to test our friendship." She giggled like it was a joke, but when I had to tell her no, she kept trying to talk me into it and then became angry with me.
I avoid ppl who compliment me for no reason only to follow it up with a request for a favor. It's annoying how often that happens. I don't say yes to the favor; I don't want to encourage that behavior.
@@MsBettyRubble I struck ip a friendship that I downgraded to an acquaintance when the person only came around when there was a possibility that she might get dinner or $ donations...I just quit replying. At 50, I'm all done trying to tell other adults to BE adults.
How to tell if you're being manipulated: 1. You question yourself...all the time 2. If you feel guilty or bad all the time. They are unpredictable, so you ate scared being around them. 3. You are being asked to do things that make you feel uncomfortable. This may be accompanied by gaslighting. 4. They put you down. Slowly, you lose your self confidence. 5. Emotional blackmail as a means of control. You just described my former 'friend' to a tee. Bye, Felicia.
What's helped me get out of a toxic relationship (my ex was gaslighting me) was the realisation that we had no profound connection. All we shared was physical familiarity. Breaking out of an abusive cicle feels like your world is going to end and your soul is going to die, but in reality the toxic person never knew your soul. This person never came into contact with it. You are safer than you think.
Soo, I've been manipulating some people unintentionally... I'm both a victim and a manipulator... I'm disappointed in myself for unintentionally doing this to my close friends... I have to say sorry and make it up to some of my friends... Thanks for the heads up!!
You have to think was healthy manipulation vs. unhealthy manipulation: like you see someone do those dumb challenges like eating type bodes and you say please don’t eat that that has chemicals that hurt vs. go eat that type bode.
hey 💖 the definition of manipulation is to do so by knowledge of what you're doing. 'acting in a skilful/clever/unscrupulous way', so you are in control of what you're doing and you're acting like that for personal gain. if you don't know what you're doing, or you weren't doing it on purpose etc then it's not manipulation! just wanted to set your mind at ease. if you're worried about mistreating people, then maybe voice your concerns to them, i say to my bf 'if i've done or said anything you don't like or think is shitty of me then please tell me', and then we talk it out and i learn where i went wrong and honestly that works so well for me bc it very rarely happens again. it took a while for me to accept that criticism of my behaviour, especially because it wasn't behaviour i was even aware i was doing? it's all a learning process and i wish you the best of luck 💖
@no u don't worry 😊 I'm not. And i just got back to school and now, I have a new friend and an old friend of mine! Thanks for the likes!! And for the comments!!
Some signs of manipulation I’ve seen in past relationships. 1) when they show support only sometimes, and this keeps you on the hook. 2) ignoring/silent treatment 3) making you feel sorry for them before they’ve even asked the favour
I think these are all kind of common though... especially in younger people. I've definitely used the silent treatment at some point too. I don't think that makes someone a terrible person. Gaslighting on the other hand is truly toxic and dangerous.
When I was quite young I had a friend who was so manipulative. When I first met her, I didn't have many friends but the few I did I was very close to. When we first started talking she would control small things about our friendship, like what we talked about, what activities we'd do and then it started to escalate. She would tell me who I could be friends with, who I could talk to and what I was allowed to do, and at times it felt like she was trying to make me a new person and though I wasn't comfortable with that, whenever I went against her she would paint me to be a bad person, ignore me and talk to my friends, who she kept me away from about how horrible of a person I was. It got so far that I couldn't make a decision any more without her telling me it was okay and she could make me do anything. After we had an argument again, she just abandoned me as a friend because I was being in her words, 'difficult' and 'self centered'. After she ended our friendship I ended up not really knowing what to do with myself because I drifted so far from other people I knew. Luckily I managed to make new friends and understand that she was very toxic and that I didn't need her, and while this is probably too long I really wanted to try and say that if you are being manipulated you don't need that person and that you can be in control of your life even if you feel hopeless.
Girls like her don't change. I don't think you should ever allow her back into your life. Her controllingness will escalate as she gets older, but she will become more manipulative and covert-aggressive about it. Right now she's too obvious of a control freak on a power trip. By the time she's in her twenties, she will realize that doesn't work with a lot of adults, so she will just become more deceptive and manipulative. I've never seen even one girl change.
Rather than always putting you down, I find that someone who manipulates may also compliment excessively. It can make you feel indebted and generous towards them, so that when they start asking for favours you are more amenable. And if you refuse, they say, “But we’re friends!” Or make you feel like you’re their special confidante, that you have to live up to their expectations as a good friend by always putting out for them.
My best friend was emotionally blackmailed multiple times by her partner. I’m so proud of her for leaving. She hasn’t fully processed what has happened but she is safe and has a better support system now. No one deserves to be in a toxic relationship
This truly can be common. It really is too bad. I always try to remember to be grateful for the work environments I am in where this isn't a part of normalcy.
I’ll admit that. I worked with people that claimed to take the job serious but slacked and carried on. Yeah, I started getting impatient and testy with the ones that played around. I’m sure there was a form of emotional abuse but I wanted a stronger team. I’ll also admit that i take my jobs a bit too serious on top of being told by DMs and SMs that the store had to be on point. We were a training store and located next to a hospital. My DM told me our hygiene had to be upmost important. I understood that and wanted to make that standard. Can I manipulate? Of course. Do i do it for selfish needs? I don’t think so. I was thinking about the team and the store. I don’t see how i, personally and solely, could benefit from my actions. I would have liked to move up, I’d been working my ass off for two years, I thought i was a good candidate. Eager to learn. Followed standards. Wanted to lead. I’m not entirely sure what my actions meant. But my intentions weren’t to harm anyone out of joy. I saw laziness and carelessness and wanted to fix it. I’m learning to relax, though. Accept that i can’t force growth, it has to do it naturally.
Even though what I experienced was years ago, this still helps me understand that I wasn’t crazy. It helps me remember that I made the right choice in totally disconnecting.
EVERYONE CHEER FOR KATI!!! I am reading your book now, it's like I am reading it slowly, I don't want it to finish. It's like when little children eat chocolate, they eat it S-L-O-W-L-Y!! Great Job!! We need more open, honest and real therapists like you!
Thank you Kati, this is something we all need to aware of and know how to deal with. Beyond the manipulation by personal interaction, this is why I won't watch TV commercials telling me I need something I don't. Or listen to a politician's 'alternate facts'.
My mom has been manipulating me my whole life. I'm 30, and just now deciding that I'm done dealing with it because it's come to a head that has a lot of far-reaching effects in my life. I told her off the other day. I still feel guilty and question myself about it. My grandparents are trying to convince me to forgive her, and "let bygones be bygones". But that's why she is the way that she is, because people always forgive her and enable her. I'm done.
One of my new goals are to work on myself with therapy, adjusting that “too trusting” mindset. growing up with a manipulative dad was definitely the core of these issues, ending up with guys who are the same way and def getting that feeling that somethings off.
I hear you. It's a challenge because since we grew up with it, that feels "normal." When Kati said something like, "you question or doubt yourself more than usual" it's like .... well I've known manipulation all my life, so it isn't "more than usual" when someone else is manipulating me! I was definitely too trusting. I got burned so much as a kid, with being too trusting of other kids. It's been tough for me to find the place between "too trusting" and "not being vulnerable enough" with (the right) people. I was also REALLY good at making excuses for people's bad behavior, and those excuses drove me to continue to put up with it.
thequestess yesss exactly, justifying bad behavior because you think those are your friends. Also growing up finding those people you think are “true” and you tell them things that are pretty personal, trusting them with that vulnerable info and you end up realizing they’re nothing but fake.
I’m too trusting as well. I’m not sure if this comes from my abusive childhood or if its something else. Ive had many train wreck friendships and relationships, I think I just lack the self esteem to be picky about ppl and tend to accept everyone as a “good person” . I also find it really hard to get into conflicts or draw strong boundaries. I tend to be way patient , and then sort of snap once things get too much.
Love this. It not only helps people realize when they are being manipulated but also helps people recognize when they are being manipulative. Some people don't have intent to be but rather a bad habit of being that way. This video can be used as a reminder to recognize the signs and allow others their boundaries as we want our own to be respected.
Thanks Kati, this is excellent!!! Two ways I've been manipulated and learned from it, I don't let ANY guy, boyfriend, potential boyfriend, whatever, try to get me to do something romantically or sexually that I am NOT ready for, and 2nd, if I start to think or notice that a so called friend seems really more interested in me helping her out by giving her rides in my car than really interested in me as a person, forget that crap too!!!!!
About "cheap shots" ... sometimes people who do that try to play it up as a joke. If it bothers you, ask them to stop. If they don't, they're not your friend.
“To relearn how to speak kindly to ourselves and trust ourselves” this speaks so loudly to me, I have just left a 6 year friendship which was lead by immense emotional manipulation. I have no self confidence and no trust in my self, which my boyfriend clearly identifies and supports me with and had even said those exact words. Thank you for this video, I am just beginning to heal.
Hi Kati! I was one of the winners of your book and the signed book plate etc. I just received it a few mins ago and I just wanted to tell you thank you so much. You’ve helped me so much and made me so excited to be a therapist one day too!! Thanks for everything, much love x
I simply remove myself or the person's bothering me from a problem if there is one. I find that to be the best solution is too simply move myself from the equation to clear up issues. This gives me and other people the space they need to process what is happening.
Wow. This is so enlightening. My ex boyfriend did all of these, especially the last one. And as someone going through severe depression, it was hard... but now we are broken up and I’m finally focusing on myself ❤️❤️
Another sign of emotional blackmail that I just learned recently is if someone says, "If you love me you would....." This jumped out at me, as my mother used to say, "If you loved me, you would have....."
Red Flags. 1). Question self a lot. Gaslighting. (especially when you feel something off in your gut) 2). Guilty or bad or fear by manipulation. 3). Do things you don't want to do....starting with small favors (sometimes big favors). 4). Put you down!!! Starts off gradually. 5). Emotional black mail.
Thank you. I wish wish wish that I had access to your videos and a larger mental health vocabulary three-and-a-half years ago. I was involved with someone who has everyone around them fooled - It's kind of incredible (in a negative way). Those who do know who and how they really are (their immediate family and perhaps their exes) either can't do anything about it or choose not to for fear of their retaliating or cutting off contact with their children. I still dream of this person almost every night. My entire life has become disrupted. I no longer go out, socialize or engage in activities that interest me. I'm trying to work myself out of this hole. Your videos are such a wonderful resource Again, thank you.
Thank you Kati, i was so unaware that i was being manipulated for many years... Every one of the points you made applied to my relationship with my wife. i now know why i felt the way i did and how uneasy i always felt doing anything with her...let the healing begin!
Hey Katie! Glad you’re back, hope you had a nice break away as you needed that rest too! Thanks again for your fantastic ongoing work and support, it’s so much more than you know! So helpful, your videos are subjects you don’t even realise you need until they come around sometimes which is super helpful. Thank you for your kind personality, hard work and sharing with us
This has made the biggest difference for me. I’m being manipulated and your explanation is exactly my experience in the toxic relationship I was in. Thank you again, you’ve inspired me to go to therapy!
I've been through the criticism of everything I think or do. My father did that a lot. People at school bullied me like that. They'd asked me questions making me think they're interested in myself, that they were trying to be my friends. Then they made fun of my answers.
I feel like you're talking directly to me... I can see why you have a lot of views. You deserve it. Please, keep making videos as I have the sensation that you are helping others as much as you're helping me. Thank you so much.
Hey kati, after putting a lot of thought in to telling my mom about my mental illness I've finally told her about it. I knew it wasn't going to be easy considering our current situation and relationship. I haven't stopped crying for the past 2 days now and it's really hard.. I'm hoping it will get better. Your videos still gives me hope and makes me feel normal. Love what you do and hope these videos would help someone too
It took a lot of courage to talk with your mom about what's going on, you should be proud! I know it was probably a terrible experience but, reaching out to your parents is a very important step to getting the help you need to heal. Good luck!
One of my best friends ended our friendship years ago, saying I always compare him to my "better educated" friends and make him feel inferior when he had a lot to offer and was doing his best to improve his abilities and knowledge in variety. I apologized a couple times, both the first time he mentioned this and later when I grew up more, but he never budged and came back. I am sad that I lost him but I respect the way he stood up for my idiocy. I was a manipulator without knowing and thank God I grew up to become the opposite, and also have the ability to walk away from those that manipulate me. A huge thing to achieve in life. I know that now.
woah this is WILD!!!! i told my therapist about my mom and she said emotional abuse and i was like isnt that just manipulation. also i bought a shirt that looks like that and i’m wearing it today. thanks for this!!!!!❤️
When you said it’s just a feeling- like you find that you’re questioning yourself and your own perception- that clicked for me. I can’t believe what I let him get away with.
This is off topic, but Katie, can you make more videos for people who are in relationships with people who have some of the mental disorders such as major depressive disorder, bipolar, etc? I really enjoyed your one for borderline. Thanks!
I'm looking for this. I don't know how to deal with my younger sibling. We're in our late twenties, both of us. I just want to be there for her and have healthy conversations. But she's always putting me down, screaming at me like some emotionally disturbed child, and making me question myself. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells around her. Am I manipulating her to just make myself happy? Is it wrong to want a relationship where I'm not scared of her and she doesn't hurt me. And that I can tell her that she's hurting me and she then will stop instead of turning it back on me? She recently screamed at me and it made me cry. I don't react well to people screaming at me But then she called me a drama queen and its aaaaall about me. And I shouldn't have been crying. Omg. This isnt normal, right? I've told her that I want a nice, calm and happy adult relationship with her. I wonder if I'm doing wrong to her constantly when I know I'm not. I don't let anyone else treat me this way. I want a better understanding, but she's always telling me that I'm awful, is verbally and emotionally abusive. I don't know if shes steady and emotionally mature enough to have a calm conversation. She has like no friends and isn't well off, so when she visits, we feed her well, try to entertain her and give her attention and love. Tell her that we're here for her. It goes well until the last day of her trip when she usually freaks out at me. I don't know if I feel safe around her anymore. I feel used and abused at this point. Would love a video on this if you have time. Thanks for all the great content, Kati.
Thank you Katie, by watching your videos you’ve helped me realize (with the help of my family too) that mental health is no joke and that it’s something that needs to be cared for too. Thank you for your videos they help and I think me watching them made me realize that mental health can be bad, but we need to take control.
i was wondering if you could make a video on how you can tell if you’re being manipulative. i was abused growing up and i have bpd and although i don’t believe i fit the stereotypes, i’m constantly paranoid i’m being abusive/manipulative. like, where is the line between genuinely crying out for help with suicidal thoughts and emotionally blackmailing. or saying you don’t remember something because you genuinely don’t bc dissociation and gaslighting someone. or when you’re constantly struggling with your intense emotions, how can you make sure you aren’t being a burden or emotional vampire to the people around you? i want nothing but good for the world, and i try to be a nice person (e.g, polite, help others when needed, encourage people rather than put them down etc), but i’m so emotionally damaged i always just end up fucking up and i think i unintentionally hurt people anyway and don’t even realise it (edit: spelling)
I would ask myself if I am able to be open and honest with them or if I am trying to get someone to do something without actually speaking the words out loud.
I have a partner that claims im manipulative (ex. When I cry about my feelings being hurt after being mad) although I feel like the emotion is genuine. Its a weird dynamic where I question whether my bpd is being paranoid and irrational or if my partner is gaslighting me. It's a tricky world to live in with this disorder.
Okay, so I accidentally hit the dislike button while reading your comment and I think I undid it but just in case: if you see a thumbs down it's not a genuine dislike. I'm just clumsy. You posted a really vulnerable question and I didn't want you to think somebody was being a jerk.
THANK YOU. This is making me cry. From the beginning. Very good & true! I have lived under this literally all of my life in various ways, and unable to get away. Even the short times I got away, my mind & heart are warped from & filled with this... making me act weird around everyone a lot. The people who do it would feel like the victims of they knew of said this about them. My close friend is now going thru it also. People, please don't allow this stuff or stay around it. Get away & get healthy inside as quick as you can! Thanks for putting all that info in your written description! 👍👏🤗
I was going to say that I only wanted to listen to videos and not engage but than I read your comment Ann x and I felt bad. It made me remember when I was suicidal and she had a video that I listened to that saved my life. It's difficult to describe boundaries with people you don't trust.
So yes I’m not going to lie, I have manipulated some people in my past, unintentionally a joke turned into something more serious. I’m not proud of if and I am going to admit it rather then trying to make myself feel better, every day I think of how my life would’ve been if I hadn’t done what I did, but at the end of the day its happened and I’ll learn from my mistakes. 🥺💗
I would ask myself if I am able to be open and honest with them or if I am trying to get someone to do something without actually speaking the words out loud.
My question was more about the manipulation than emotional control or clear communication. I'm sure one can be manipulative without being malicious or doing it for personal gain. I'm asking because it's hard for me personally to understand peoples emotions over problems I think/perceive to have a logical/rational solution. I then often get frustrated that people can't understand my (what I think is) obvious conclusion/argument and my friends and family sometimes say that I will talk until they just agree. I, on the other hand, feel like I just want them to understand and acknowledge my logic and I really do trie to understand why they feel the way they do and ask how I could better my reaction/wording to not offend them. I'm just a very rational person and it's hard for me to understand peoples emotional attachment and sometimes even personal boundaries (though I got better in that aspect)
@@omegajoule I have a similar problem, I think the solution is to watch how they react to what you're saying, if they disagree and try to back off of the topic, ask them if they would like to debate about it or if they would rather just agree to disagree. Also, take the myer briggs persona test and ask your friends and fam to do so too, it's easier to understand people when they're put in vague ish groups
Liking this video, because it's true! I know from experience. And honestly, the most useful ways for me to move past the damage it caused were to surround myself with loving people and avoid close contact with harmful people for long periods of time (in other words, if you have to see the people who hurt you, just visit them in short spurts).
This reminds me a lot of my mom. Whenever I struggle with something, she always acts like it's the end of the world and I will never ever change. Like I'm incapable of self improvement. I noticed this more recently when I was being torn down by my mom because I was struggling with school. But then when I talked to my boyfriend, all he did was encourage me. Telling me that he knew I could do it. It was such a contrast to what my mother was telling me.
Great. I wish therapists helped us understand when we are experiencing emotions that are the result of manipulation from another person. As my understanding of human interactions gets better, I now respond to manipulation with anger.
Ive been seeing someone for 2 months and he keeps asking "oh don't you love me?" "Do you not care about me?" " I guess I'm not good enough for you" and other things if I haven't answered texts while at work or just during conversation. Is this manipulation?
Thank you Kati. In my case, I was the toxic one who did emotional blackmail. Now, my former friends have cut me off. But I took it as a lesson. I kept moving forward despite my mistakes.
My father is an MFT, but could you make a video based around the idea that what if I / you are having your friends leave you, or if possibly I'm annoying them or being 'extra.' and that causes them to push themselves from me. Please, it'd mean a lot.
Thank you Katie! I literally enjoy watching your videos. They helped me so much during my depression. I love how simple and clear your message is. Thank you so much for sharing your knowledge with the world! Keep going we need people like you ♥️✨
Absolutely! My husband's ex wife used to do this to him, to get what she wanted. He was so afraid to be abandoned that he'd cave in to her. Sometimes she'd still leave for a day or two, to "punish" him. It really did a number on him.
@@Katimorton thank you!!😊 this relationship I'm talking about is with my mom and I know she is very controling. So I thought that since she is very controlling that she might be trying to manipulate me.
I think it’s like if someone says you better to this___ or else this___ will happen. Or like saying something like “I guess you don’t love me” if you say no to what they want
I was in the same situation, and I felt ashamed because I was a mess & assumed "how could I ever help someone like this"? But in time you get better & stronger.
@@S***** Please don't assume and make judgement about her therapist if she did not post details about the therapist's reaction @Happy Smile it is a sign of abuse, shame, guilt, feeling like a burden, or that you do not deserve to achieve a dream or a goal, or that you are worthless are all very clear signs and effects of trauma, and in a lot of cases manipulation. How did your therapist react? If she reacted in a neutral or a positive way, i suggest that you also tell her about feeling that shame and how you felt like a burden after telling her your decision or want. She should be able to help you work through that reaction. Just know that shame can be overcome, and you can become a therapist, as you work through your own traumas, you can gain insight which can then help you help your future patience. You don't have to be perfect, zen or whatever else describes absolute emotional stability to be a therapist, BUT you have to keep working on yourself. I know it seems a lot, and i know you might feel like you can't or you don't deserve it, but if you are willing to put in the work, you will be be able to be a good therapist, even if you haven't tamed all your inner demons while becoming a counselor. Sometimes, we can make our pet demons do some of the work for us, don't you think? Being "broken" yourself will help you empathize with your future clients and will help you better guide them through their own recovery.
My therapist is in therapy and seeing a psychiatrist as well. It helps me relate to her a lot more, making therapy more effective and even enjoyable at times. If your therapist is the one who is belittling you because you want to be a psychologist, you should really consider switching therapists!
Hey, have you told your therapist how you feel? Because it sounds to me like a great opportunity to explore your feelings and also to test out if this is the right therapist for you. And I say this as a psychologist myself. Good luck!
I think it depends on whether you feel that way with the therapist, or if that feeling is coming from the negative tape playing in your head. Are you shaming yourself, or do you feel shamed by the therapist? I am a therapist intern and in my family and in my personal life I've gone through a lot of really difficult things and am currently in therapy myself. Some of the things I've gone through have left such an imprint that I will probably have to be in therapy until the day I die. however a lot of people don't know that many therapists are in this situation. Many therapists, and many good therapists, are what they call "wounded healers." when I first heard the expression it kind of made me want to puke because it made me think of people who wanted to heal others without working on their own shit. but there are lots of people healing others who have shit to work on who are definitely working on it in their own time. so hopefully it's not your therapist making you feel this way. But if you get that feeling from her, then I'd say it's time to go therapist shopping. It is kind of an exhausting thing to do, but it's a lot easier if you allow yourself to listen to exactly how you feel when you sit down with them for the first time. It tells you a lot. If you're sitting with the therapist and having thoughts like "gee, this doesn't feel very comfortable but maybe I just need to adjust..." then you probably need to find someone else, LOL.
I feel like therapy is designed for victims and I totally think that’s right but I’ve been at both ends of that stick and it’s been more of a struggle for me to not be manipulative than to stand up for myself. I go to therapy and I’ve always had massive support when someone has been harmful to me but when I am being knowingly but uncontrollably harsh to someone else there isn’t that support. I’d love to hear if anyone else has gone through something similar. 💗💗
Of course there isn’t going to be support when you aren’t being nice, that’s not how things work. You can’t be an asshole and then expect everyone to agree with you.
I’m coming up on two years of sobriety on the 23rd this month. 6 months after getting sober I got into a relationship and 6 months later he moved in with me. It’s the first toxic relationship I’ve been in and the worst mistake I could’ve made. I’ve lost all self confidence. I stopped going to therapy and my anxiety is the worse it’s ever been. I feel so stuck and it’s horrible. I need to go back to therapy-I’m trying to figure it out but I know it’s going to take time. Especially healing from it. 😔 this is the first time I’ve even put my business out there so I’m using it as my first step. Thank you for what you do Kati ❤️❤️
Thank you for this video. I had a close friendship with someone that recently and abruptly ended. I often felt uneasy but thought this person just had my best interests in mind. I also never wanted to think poorly of him. I’m in therapy now and realize that I was being manipulated. It hurts, but I know it won’t always hurt and the most important thing is to learn from the experience and have the tools to gain confidence not to allow it to happen again. Thank you again so much not only for this channel but all that you do. Wishing you the best.
My ex would constantly push my personal boundaries when it came to our sex life. Like regardless of how ‘healthy’ our dynamic appeared somehow that wasn’t enough. There was always some new fantasy to introduce, always existing past the limits I set but with an accompanying “oh you totally don’t have to do it if you don’t want to but also I will obsess over this specific thing and bring it up every single day until you give in.” Is this manipulation?
To add on to this discussion, I'm going to get really honest here. I think there's too many men, and some women out there too, who are learning about sex from all the porn that's floating out there and these insane 50 shades of Grey movies, and all that kinky stuff is NOT what real love is about. Real love is meeting a person where they are at , along with being responsible about sex and buying some condoms even though it can be damn embarrassing!!! Real love is not about trying to force anything on anyone. It's totally ok to have some sexual fantasies, everyone does, but sometimes a fantasy is really better off staying a fantasy. Real love is respect, simple as that.
This video is so validating. I made myself sick and drove myself crazy over my parents because they conveniently forget things, and have been trying to tell me I'm lying when I am not. They went as far to call my counselor to try to make themselves seem like innocent victims and discredit my claims of abuse. This is after years of manipulation and gaslighting, verbal abuse and emotional abuse. They've even involved others and are trying to make me look like a liar, threatening me with legal action even though I've not lied. I've been so sick and gained so much weight. It's so hard to be discredited with continued abuse and to lose my family, and to be called a liar to people who I thoight I could trust, but they believe my parents. I don't know how to begin to heal from this and not be afraid.
Parents do not threaten legal action on their children unless the child has done something pretty damn serious. You saying things your parents don't like definitely doesn't come under that bracket, so even from your description I can tell that you're not living in a healthy normal relationship. Try holding onto this to help with the gaslighting - their own reactions are betraying the truth here. Aside from that, I would recommend going to see a counsellor if possible, and aiming to become more independent from your parents as soon as you can. I'm so sorry this is happening to you and I hope you get the assistance you deserve
@@nerezza6517 thank you, it was my brother who threatened, and I do have a counselor as I mentioned above. She's been amazing. I live on my own and am currently organizing things so I don't have to go through my parents to pay bills. All I did was speak out against the abuse I endured, so my brother threatened with defamation of character even though I've done nothing wrong. I honestly don't want trouble and I want them to leave me alone, but my mom tends to start drama so who knows. I realize it all sounds extreme, but it's a sucky reality. I'm doing all I can right now being disabled to solely rely on myself.
@@ShaneBlackheart sorry for the misread, but it is great that you have some support from your counsellor! You've got quite a story, your family sounds way out of line. You just don't do that to your own kid. Best of luck to you, you've certainly fought hard enough for it 👍
My father is emotionally manipulative with saying things in ways making others feel bad for him to do things for him, but I don't even think he is trying to be, he has just always been that way towards his close family and so I don't even think he recognize it, is that possible?
I think so. It doesn't mean it's ok behavior though, nor that it's good for you to tolerate, but I think a lot of time people just learned, subconsciously, to do this, and don't recognize the harm they're causing others. I feel like my own mother is in that situation ... she's so caught up in her own unresolved stuff that she simply can't see how she's harming others. I know she loves me, but dang was she manipulative and emotionally abusive when I was a child (same thing with my mother in law, and my husband's childhood).
I love that you add in here that often times it's a feeling you get about people. It is SO SO important to listen to yourself and recognize the thoughts and feelings you have. Our body and mind are so powerful. Great video! Carry on warriors!!
im in a weird spot, started out by questioning my memories and actions and ended up in me having black holes in my memory. i dont remember much of my child/teenagehood, and the few spots i do remember are awkward or saddening🙃
I love your channel Kati, sooo informative & helpful. Ty...& you are so soothing & calming w/the way you explain things. You honestly make me feel like I'm not just a "weirdo" & maybe just need some tools on how to deal with life better. Ty for that❤
Kati, you paint the manipulative person as a villain who’s intentionally setting out to hurt you, use you, or make you do things you wouldn’t normally do. That’s not always the case. As someone with BPD I sometimes catch myself manipulating people, but I never set out to do it. It’s a realization that I’m doing it rather than a plan to do it. And I never do it to hurt the other, even though it often ends there - I think I do it to prevent possible abandonment, or to make sure that the person doesn’t surprise me with anything unexpected that would make me split on them. But the thought that someone would think I’ve specifically sat and made a grand plan to manipulate them, like some Disney villain, makes me feel uneasy. I think people should be aware that sometimes we do what we do for irrational reasons, and instead of judging or leaving us, try to talk to us, set boundaries and help us wake up to an unhealthy behaviour. As in that CXGF quote goes, the situation sometimes is a lot more nuanced than that.
I relate so heavily. Id feel so personally heartbroken when I'd reflect on the wrong I did. It'd make me feel like the disorder is unresolvable and tempt me to abandon people I love so I wouldn't hurt them :( I want to do the right thing, and I feel like it would be easier to if people could accept that I'm doing my best
I agree that not all manipulative people do it on purpose, but a lot of others do. Plus, this video is for the victims to know what to look out for, as it is still very damaging whether intentional or not. I'm sorry you are going through all of that.
Hey Kati! A few weeks ago, my boyfriend of 3 years left me because he felt that I was manipulative and toxic lately. I'm in therapy to process through the manipulation and emotional abuse that I experienced from my family. I hadn't realized that I recently began to treat him the way my family treated me. Does this make me a terrible person? I've already made dramatic changes to my behavior but the thought of how much I hurt him still keeps me up at night.
Even if you really were manipulative, you can still make amends and forgive yourself for what it seems was an honest mistake coming from a difficult situation
Bought the book are u okay? And lent it to a younger family member. A while later was contacted asking if knew any therapists. So thanks! Before that was worried they wouldnt go until they hit rock bottom.
Hey Kati, I have a question... I am a person who is highly sensitive. When people say things that feel like a stinging it hurts me deeply. When I muster up the courage to speak up certain types of people (bossy, controlling, apathetic) treat me like I am asking for the world or I am trying to manipulate them however I am merely being vulnerable and letting them know what I am feeling or what is bothering me. Overtime those reactions have resulted in me not feeling safe and secure expressing my feelings or needs as certain types of people tell me I am "too much"... it has caused me to feel like I am beneath people, and I end up behaving passive aggressively which I do not like however when I do speak up it is written off, so it's like someone asking for help and being ignored. Some could perceive me as being manipulative because when I speak up (even when my voice shakes) I get treated like I am being controlling and manipulative. I tend to back away from people when the same problems persist because I do not want to be seen as a nag or controlling person. Even today at work I have a coworker that tends to lean toward being bossy, feisty, outspoken and overbearing. She is a dental assistant like myself, actually younger than me, and is the kind of person that says "suck it up" so I do not feel secure in letting her know that her ways of engaging with me feel like I am beneath her, like she is my boss. I literally felt like saying that today to her at one point as she was directing me how to do my job ( I have been doing this job for 15 + years) but I bit my tongue as it would have come out passive aggressive. It was so subtle but def angered me. With those kind of people I do not feel safe expressing myself because it gets turned around on me and in that instance I tend to want to quit. I notice she not only does it with me but the staff in general even the dentist... very bold. I understand there is a part of her that is trying to help and make things run smooth however at the same time I feel like she is managing me. People like her and people like myself clash as she is the type that has the mentality of "grind grind hustle hustle savage military style of engaging with others and no one else wants to confront her. I feel like I am being monitored all day, and I am waiting to be corrected. People like her could perceive me as being manipulative when I speak up because if I frequently speak up it can be seen as I am too much and trying to control things but I am not. I just want respect like everyone else... I do not even go into her operatory because if I do I get questioned but she regularly comes into mine, sits down and talks to the other workers. Clearly there is a sense of entitlement. I do not know what to do... what do you suggest?
Hi there, I agree with the other comment here from thedyinghart. I am a hsp, I can identify with being labelled ' too sensitive' before. It all depends how it's said to you because someone genuine could think you are being too sensitive about an issue, however when I am called that alarm bells always ring for me as someone saying to me 'you are over sensitive' is being manipulative by saying that in essence as they are trying to 'win'. At least if several things start to build up with a certain character like you seem to have mentioned. You are mentioning something that is important to you and because they want to 'win' the conversation they use that term. It doesn't sound like you are the controlling and manipulative one in this scenario. I find it's difficult as a hsp and you might the same - it's hard to trust that our inclinations are right because it's easier to think that we are at fault. Hard to trust ourselves and also a challenge to speak up for ourselves. As a hsp we really care what others think as well. If for a moment you 1. allow yourself to judge what is going on without caring what you are judged as ( very hard I know but momentarily it could help to see) 2. Imagine the behaviour between you and your ' colleague' was happening between two independent people, how would you see what's happening? For example your colleague mentions you are over sensitive when you speak up regarding an issue that happens - perhaps imagine the colleague and you as two other people you know and apply the behaviour to them. I'm not sure I'm explaining that too well but I feel it can help to be objective maybe. From reading your comment, and as a hsp myself, I don't think you are trying to 'control' things as such by speaking up, you are wanting to say how YOU feel which is perfectly acceptable.
For half my life, I thought the way my family was, was normal. But ever since I got cycled in and out of therapy, switched around to many therapists, talked with friends (both online and irl) I’ve realized many things my parents do... aren’t really okay or "normal“ and I’ve developed psychological repercussions from them and other experiences that I could never really explain. I figured I never really could place it because of how trained my thought patterns had been because of them, like I was wired to think everyone else in an enemy in a way since any time I’ve tried to bring something up, they instantly refuse and say I’m over dramatizing or straight up say it never happened to begin with. It’s been a constant tennis match of back and forth of who’s right, my parents or everyone else.... thank you for being one more person, without even knowing any of my story, who’s words are reassuring that... it’s not okay and it’s not in my head. I hope/know this video could save someone from a relationship or situation or even reassure someone else ❤️ To anyone who’s even reading this, you’re strong and beautiful and amazing and brilliant, and most importantly, it’s not in your head and always listen to your gut ❤️❤️❤️
I've been in a manipulative relationship for 13 years.. He has no family we live together so leaving I will leave him on the street and I feel guilty for that. If at all Cost stay out of a Manipulative relationship please don't be me
Thank you so much, Kati Morton. I have been emotionally abused and it took me a long time to realize the truth of it. This video has given me extra courage and information to make sure it doesn't happen again. 💜
I’m currently pregnant and in the process of buying a house with my partner however his mum is literally trying to control what we do with the house and what we need, she insists she needs a key for OUR house and has even been way too over the top with buying baby things and has got a crib for her house so that the baby can stay with her. She’s making me feel so out of control of my own life and like I can’t escape from her over obsessiveness, I just know I will end up becoming over protective of my baby and scared that she will be turning up on our doorstep all the time. How do I talk to her about this without her crying or lashing out..which she has done in the past?
If she's crying and lashing out, it sounds like she hasn't come to terms with the fact that she's not in control of your child's life. You, your partner and your baby are your own family now, she shouldn't get to control what happens inside of that. This really makes me mad. Is there any way of limiting communication with her until she agrees to your terms?
@@BenPearson_kd7uiy Many times, kids/teens behavior has some sort of purpose behind it (whether functional or not). What types of behaviors are you seeing that are manipulating?
Hi Kati, I really appreciated this video because I believe my mom has manipulated my sisters and I. I’m just curious, what behaviors would be out of the norm for a mother to tell her children to do? I sometimes can’t tell if she’s being as outrageous as she is in my mind.
I once had someone who manipulated me who told me I was narcissistic and manipulating them, this video has made me finally realise I wasn’t completely crazy, that those feelings were real and I was just being alienated and manipulated myself thankyou
Your channel literally changed my life, I went to therapy because I was struggling with depression and you made me think that I deserve to be alive:) Thank you!!!♥♥
Me too she gave me that push to seek help and take medicine and I feel like a new person
Same, Kati is a great influence in my life too. After months of fighting with myself I gathered the courage, strength and made the call today. I'm having my first appointment this thursday. Thanks to Kati and this community :)
PS: Hell, it's gonna hurt, but bring it on! :D
Awe I am so so glad that I could be a helpful resource when you needed it!!! oxox
Awe yay!!! I am so glad I could help :) xoxo
TH-cam is such an amazing thing! How phenomenal is it that someone as smart, kind, and wise as Kati can touch SO many people with her videos and help change the stigma of mental health
Another way they manipulate you was doing favors for you that you didn’t ask for. Then when you don’t do what they want they can attack you and say look what I did for you
MindOfHerOwn yes exactly
yes
So true! Especially when that person is also a family member who's adept at guilt-tripping
MindOfHerOwn Correct my dad & some family members and neighbors do this alot .
You just described my mother lol
When she said “just know you deserve to have relationships that are full of joy, love, and mutual respect, not manipulation” I cried. Hard. I needed that.
People deserve to receive as well as give. Since therapy I see now that I'm the only one initiating everything. And now that I'm aware and expect to be loved it's been three weeks since we've been intimate (yes it's tuff on many levels). As my mind grows healthy I'm preparing to leave.
Do you need a hug ?
I avoid people who don't respect the word no or start a request for a favor with a big sob story instead of just asking. One person actually told me when asking to borrow something, "I'm calling to test our friendship." She giggled like it was a joke, but when I had to tell her no, she kept trying to talk me into it and then became angry with me.
Thank you so much for sharing!!! I think that's great advice.. everyone should respect another person's no. xoxo
I avoid ppl who compliment me for no reason only to follow it up with a request for a favor. It's annoying how often that happens. I don't say yes to the favor; I don't want to encourage that behavior.
That was pretty smart, her reaction was a dead giveaway
@@MsBettyRubble I struck ip a friendship that I downgraded to an acquaintance when the person only came around when there was a possibility that she might get dinner or $ donations...I just quit replying.
At 50, I'm all done trying to tell other adults to BE adults.
MsBettyR. Exactly. So annoying
How to tell if you're being manipulated:
1. You question yourself...all the time
2. If you feel guilty or bad all the time. They are unpredictable, so you ate scared being around them.
3. You are being asked to do things that make you feel uncomfortable. This may be accompanied by gaslighting.
4. They put you down. Slowly, you lose your self confidence.
5. Emotional blackmail as a means of control.
You just described my former 'friend' to a tee.
Bye, Felicia.
What's helped me get out of a toxic relationship (my ex was gaslighting me) was the realisation that we had no profound connection. All we shared was physical familiarity. Breaking out of an abusive cicle feels like your world is going to end and your soul is going to die, but in reality the toxic person never knew your soul. This person never came into contact with it. You are safer than you think.
Soo, I've been manipulating some people unintentionally...
I'm both a victim and a manipulator... I'm disappointed in myself for unintentionally doing this to my close friends... I have to say sorry and make it up to some of my friends... Thanks for the heads up!!
I think that's awesome that you realize it, admit it, and want to make amends. Good for you!
You have to think was healthy manipulation vs. unhealthy manipulation: like you see someone do those dumb challenges like eating type bodes and you say please don’t eat that that has chemicals that hurt vs. go eat that type bode.
We all make mistakes, but being aware and working to make amends it what matters. xoxo Thank you for sharing!!! xoxo
hey 💖 the definition of manipulation is to do so by knowledge of what you're doing. 'acting in a skilful/clever/unscrupulous way', so you are in control of what you're doing and you're acting like that for personal gain. if you don't know what you're doing, or you weren't doing it on purpose etc then it's not manipulation! just wanted to set your mind at ease. if you're worried about mistreating people, then maybe voice your concerns to them, i say to my bf 'if i've done or said anything you don't like or think is shitty of me then please tell me', and then we talk it out and i learn where i went wrong and honestly that works so well for me bc it very rarely happens again. it took a while for me to accept that criticism of my behaviour, especially because it wasn't behaviour i was even aware i was doing? it's all a learning process and i wish you the best of luck 💖
@no u don't worry 😊 I'm not.
And i just got back to school and now, I have a new friend and an old friend of mine!
Thanks for the likes!! And for the comments!!
Wow this just made getting over my ex a lot easier!
That's so great to hear!! xoxo
Same.
lmao mood
some fellow recent singles.
Some signs of manipulation I’ve seen in past relationships. 1) when they show support only sometimes, and this keeps you on the hook. 2) ignoring/silent treatment 3) making you feel sorry for them before they’ve even asked the favour
I think these are all kind of common though... especially in younger people. I've definitely used the silent treatment at some point too. I don't think that makes someone a terrible person. Gaslighting on the other hand is truly toxic and dangerous.
When I was quite young I had a friend who was so manipulative. When I first met her, I didn't have many friends but the few I did I was very close to. When we first started talking she would control small things about our friendship, like what we talked about, what activities we'd do and then it started to escalate. She would tell me who I could be friends with, who I could talk to and what I was allowed to do, and at times it felt like she was trying to make me a new person and though I wasn't comfortable with that, whenever I went against her she would paint me to be a bad person, ignore me and talk to my friends, who she kept me away from about how horrible of a person I was. It got so far that I couldn't make a decision any more without her telling me it was okay and she could make me do anything. After we had an argument again, she just abandoned me as a friend because I was being in her words, 'difficult' and 'self centered'. After she ended our friendship I ended up not really knowing what to do with myself because I drifted so far from other people I knew. Luckily I managed to make new friends and understand that she was very toxic and that I didn't need her, and while this is probably too long I really wanted to try and say that if you are being manipulated you don't need that person and that you can be in control of your life even if you feel hopeless.
What Should I Write Here? We litterally have the exact same story
@@gabriellemhlanga3543 Oh, I hope you feel much better now but that is a really weird coincidence.
Thank you so so much for sharing what happened to you!!! I am glad you were able to make new friends and realize just hot toxic she was. xoxo
omg that's almost exactly what happened to me! i got out of it after that friend moved away, and i'm so glad that she did
Girls like her don't change. I don't think you should ever allow her back into your life. Her controllingness will escalate as she gets older, but she will become more manipulative and covert-aggressive about it. Right now she's too obvious of a control freak on a power trip. By the time she's in her twenties, she will realize that doesn't work with a lot of adults, so she will just become more deceptive and manipulative. I've never seen even one girl change.
Rather than always putting you down, I find that someone who manipulates may also compliment excessively. It can make you feel indebted and generous towards them, so that when they start asking for favours you are more amenable. And if you refuse, they say, “But we’re friends!” Or make you feel like you’re their special confidante, that you have to live up to their expectations as a good friend by always putting out for them.
My best friend was emotionally blackmailed multiple times by her partner. I’m so proud of her for leaving. She hasn’t fully processed what has happened but she is safe and has a better support system now. No one deserves to be in a toxic relationship
Sadly, many people in the workplace try to manipulate their coworkers.
This truly can be common. It really is too bad. I always try to remember to be grateful for the work environments I am in where this isn't a part of normalcy.
Oh come on! You’re even here? 😂
Mary Sargsyan I’m errrrwhere. Kidding- seriously Kati Morton is where I got my inspiration to start a channel 💜
I’ll admit that.
I worked with people that claimed to take the job serious but slacked and carried on.
Yeah, I started getting impatient and testy with the ones that played around. I’m sure there was a form of emotional abuse but I wanted a stronger team.
I’ll also admit that i take my jobs a bit too serious on top of being told by DMs and SMs that the store had to be on point. We were a training store and located next to a hospital. My DM told me our hygiene had to be upmost important.
I understood that and wanted to make that standard.
Can I manipulate? Of course. Do i do it for selfish needs? I don’t think so. I was thinking about the team and the store. I don’t see how i, personally and solely, could benefit from my actions.
I would have liked to move up, I’d been working my ass off for two years, I thought i was a good candidate.
Eager to learn.
Followed standards.
Wanted to lead.
I’m not entirely sure what my actions meant. But my intentions weren’t to harm anyone out of joy. I saw laziness and carelessness and wanted to fix it. I’m learning to relax, though. Accept that i can’t force growth, it has to do it naturally.
This is all too common.
Even though what I experienced was years ago, this still helps me understand that I wasn’t crazy. It helps me remember that I made the right choice in totally disconnecting.
Same here 🖐️
This was really helpful, thanks Kati!
I am so glad!!! xoxo
EVERYONE CHEER FOR KATI!!! I am reading your book now, it's like I am reading it slowly, I don't want it to finish. It's like when little children eat chocolate, they eat it S-L-O-W-L-Y!! Great Job!! We need more open, honest and real therapists like you!
Cipi Silberman Don’t forget to leave positive reviews online! (Written reviews are the best ) Checkout Goodreads.com Amazon.com & give a 👍on Google!!!
Recently got out of a very toxic relationship. I watch this video every time i start to doubt myself if I made the right choice. Thank you.
Thank you Kati, this is something we all need to aware of and know how to deal with. Beyond the manipulation by personal interaction, this is why I won't watch TV commercials telling me I need something I don't. Or listen to a politician's 'alternate facts'.
My mom has been manipulating me my whole life. I'm 30, and just now deciding that I'm done dealing with it because it's come to a head that has a lot of far-reaching effects in my life. I told her off the other day. I still feel guilty and question myself about it. My grandparents are trying to convince me to forgive her, and "let bygones be bygones". But that's why she is the way that she is, because people always forgive her and enable her. I'm done.
One of my new goals are to work on myself with therapy, adjusting that “too trusting” mindset. growing up with a manipulative dad was definitely the core of these issues, ending up with guys who are the same way and def getting that feeling that somethings off.
I hear you. It's a challenge because since we grew up with it, that feels "normal." When Kati said something like, "you question or doubt yourself more than usual" it's like .... well I've known manipulation all my life, so it isn't "more than usual" when someone else is manipulating me!
I was definitely too trusting. I got burned so much as a kid, with being too trusting of other kids. It's been tough for me to find the place between "too trusting" and "not being vulnerable enough" with (the right) people. I was also REALLY good at making excuses for people's bad behavior, and those excuses drove me to continue to put up with it.
thequestess yesss exactly, justifying bad behavior because you think those are your friends. Also growing up finding those people you think are “true” and you tell them things that are pretty personal, trusting them with that vulnerable info and you end up realizing they’re nothing but fake.
I’m too trusting as well. I’m not sure if this comes from my abusive childhood or if its something else. Ive had many train wreck friendships and relationships, I think I just lack the self esteem to be picky about ppl and tend to accept everyone as a “good person” . I also find it really hard to get into conflicts or draw strong boundaries. I tend to be way patient , and then sort of snap once things get too much.
Love this. It not only helps people realize when they are being manipulated but also helps people recognize when they are being manipulative. Some people don't have intent to be but rather a bad habit of being that way. This video can be used as a reminder to recognize the signs and allow others their boundaries as we want our own to be respected.
Thanks Kati, this is excellent!!! Two ways I've been manipulated and learned from it, I don't let ANY guy, boyfriend, potential boyfriend, whatever, try to get me to do something romantically or sexually that I am NOT ready for, and 2nd, if I start to think or notice that a so called friend seems really more interested in me helping her out by giving her rides in my car than really interested in me as a person, forget that crap too!!!!!
About "cheap shots" ... sometimes people who do that try to play it up as a joke. If it bothers you, ask them to stop. If they don't, they're not your friend.
“To relearn how to speak kindly to ourselves and trust ourselves” this speaks so loudly to me, I have just left a 6 year friendship which was lead by immense emotional manipulation. I have no self confidence and no trust in my self, which my boyfriend clearly identifies and supports me with and had even said those exact words. Thank you for this video, I am just beginning to heal.
Hi Kati! I was one of the winners of your book and the signed book plate etc. I just received it a few mins ago and I just wanted to tell you thank you so much. You’ve helped me so much and made me so excited to be a therapist one day too!! Thanks for everything, much love x
Don’t forget to leave positive reviews online! (Written reviews are the best ) 😉Checkout Goodreads.com Amazon.com & give a 👍on Google!!!
I simply remove myself or the person's bothering me from a problem if there is one. I find that to be the best solution is too simply move myself from the equation to clear up issues. This gives me and other people the space they need to process what is happening.
My parents are manipulative, and I'm planning on moving out. Videos like this keep me sane. Thanks.
Wow. This is so enlightening. My ex boyfriend did all of these, especially the last one. And as someone going through severe depression, it was hard... but now we are broken up and I’m finally focusing on myself ❤️❤️
Another sign of emotional blackmail that I just learned recently is if someone says, "If you love me you would....." This jumped out at me, as my mother used to say, "If you loved me, you would have....."
Red Flags. 1). Question self a lot. Gaslighting. (especially when you feel something off in your gut) 2). Guilty or bad or fear by manipulation. 3). Do things you don't want to do....starting with small favors (sometimes big favors). 4). Put you down!!! Starts off gradually. 5). Emotional black mail.
Thank you. I wish wish wish that I had access to your videos and a larger mental health vocabulary three-and-a-half years ago.
I was involved with someone who has everyone around them fooled - It's kind of incredible (in a negative way). Those who do know who and how they really are (their immediate family and perhaps their exes) either can't do anything about it or choose not to for fear of their retaliating or cutting off contact with their children. I still dream of this person almost every night. My entire life has become disrupted. I no longer go out, socialize or engage in activities that interest me. I'm trying to work myself out of this hole.
Your videos are such a wonderful resource Again, thank you.
I am so sorry you had to go through all of that :( I hope this video reminded you that you are not alone.. and that it can get better :) xoxo
Thank you Kati, i was so unaware that i was being manipulated for many years... Every one of the points you made applied to my relationship with my wife. i now know why i felt the way i did and how uneasy i always felt doing anything with her...let the healing begin!
Hey Katie!
Glad you’re back, hope you had a nice break away as you needed that rest too!
Thanks again for your fantastic ongoing work and support, it’s so much more than you know!
So helpful, your videos are subjects you don’t even realise you need until they come around sometimes which is super helpful.
Thank you for your kind personality, hard work and sharing with us
This has made the biggest difference for me. I’m being manipulated and your explanation is exactly my experience in the toxic relationship I was in. Thank you again, you’ve inspired me to go to therapy!
I've been through the criticism of everything I think or do. My father did that a lot. People at school bullied me like that. They'd asked me questions making me think they're interested in myself, that they were trying to be my friends. Then they made fun of my answers.
I feel like you're talking directly to me... I can see why you have a lot of views. You deserve it. Please, keep making videos as I have the sensation that you are helping others as much as you're helping me. Thank you so much.
Hey kati, after putting a lot of thought in to telling my mom about my mental illness I've finally told her about it. I knew it wasn't going to be easy considering our current situation and relationship. I haven't stopped crying for the past 2 days now and it's really hard.. I'm hoping it will get better. Your videos still gives me hope and makes me feel normal. Love what you do and hope these videos would help someone too
Good job telling her! That takes so much courage and bravery!
It took a lot of courage to talk with your mom about what's going on, you should be proud! I know it was probably a terrible experience but, reaching out to your parents is a very important step to getting the help you need to heal. Good luck!
@@_just_TK thank you. your words really cheered me up :)
wasabi baby you got this! 👍❤️
i'm rooting for you from across the sea. 🐳
So relatable! You opened my eyes.
I just discovered your channel and now I really want to watch all of your videos in one sitting.
Alice Welcome to the Community!
Another great share and so many people are without their knowledge! Keep it going always am inspiration!
One of my best friends ended our friendship years ago, saying I always compare him to my "better educated" friends and make him feel inferior when he had a lot to offer and was doing his best to improve his abilities and knowledge in variety. I apologized a couple times, both the first time he mentioned this and later when I grew up more, but he never budged and came back.
I am sad that I lost him but I respect the way he stood up for my idiocy.
I was a manipulator without knowing and thank God I grew up to become the opposite, and also have the ability to walk away from those that manipulate me.
A huge thing to achieve in life. I know that now.
woah this is WILD!!!! i told my therapist about my mom and she said emotional abuse and i was like isnt that just manipulation. also i bought a shirt that looks like that and i’m wearing it today. thanks for this!!!!!❤️
Emotional abuse can be manipulation.. but not always. I am glad this video came out at a good time :) xoxo
Emotional abuse is so hard to overcome!!!
When you said it’s just a feeling- like you find that you’re questioning yourself and your own perception- that clicked for me. I can’t believe what I let him get away with.
This is off topic, but Katie, can you make more videos for people who are in relationships with people who have some of the mental disorders such as major depressive disorder, bipolar, etc? I really enjoyed your one for borderline. Thanks!
I totally agree! This is such an important topic.
Thank you for this video. Being mindful of boundaries is a new practuce for me. I appreciate all you have shared today.
Love your videos kati!!!! But can u please please please do one on sibling abuse? This was another great and needed video!!
I completely agree.... sibling abuse is prevalent and no one talks about it...
@@jay-s9y1c so true. Wish people talked about it more so those who have suffered from it can feel more confident to speak on it. 😞💙
Ooo that would be a great video!
I'm looking for this. I don't know how to deal with my younger sibling. We're in our late twenties, both of us. I just want to be there for her and have healthy conversations. But she's always putting me down, screaming at me like some emotionally disturbed child, and making me question myself. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells around her. Am I manipulating her to just make myself happy? Is it wrong to want a relationship where I'm not scared of her and she doesn't hurt me. And that I can tell her that she's hurting me and she then will stop instead of turning it back on me? She recently screamed at me and it made me cry. I don't react well to people screaming at me
But then she called me a drama queen and its aaaaall about me. And I shouldn't have been crying. Omg. This isnt normal, right?
I've told her that I want a nice, calm and happy adult relationship with her. I wonder if I'm doing wrong to her constantly when I know I'm not. I don't let anyone else treat me this way. I want a better understanding, but she's always telling me that I'm awful, is verbally and emotionally abusive. I don't know if shes steady and emotionally mature enough to have a calm conversation. She has like no friends and isn't well off, so when she visits, we feed her well, try to entertain her and give her attention and love. Tell her that we're here for her. It goes well until the last day of her trip when she usually freaks out at me. I don't know if I feel safe around her anymore. I feel used and abused at this point. Would love a video on this if you have time. Thanks for all the great content, Kati.
Yes
Boundaries are very important in every relationship
I think my boyfriend is such a good manipulator that he doesn’t even know he’s manipulating me.
oh he knows.
You let him manipulate you
They know.
@@bakarimcdonald3758 Please do not victim blame.
@@bakarimcdonald3758 you sound like another manipulator guilt tripping a stranger only to feel better about yourself...
Thank you Katie, by watching your videos you’ve helped me realize (with the help of my family too) that mental health is no joke and that it’s something that needs to be cared for too. Thank you for your videos they help and I think me watching them made me realize that mental health can be bad, but we need to take control.
i was wondering if you could make a video on how you can tell if you’re being manipulative. i was abused growing up and i have bpd and although i don’t believe i fit the stereotypes, i’m constantly paranoid i’m being abusive/manipulative. like, where is the line between genuinely crying out for help with suicidal thoughts and emotionally blackmailing. or saying you don’t remember something because you genuinely don’t bc dissociation and gaslighting someone. or when you’re constantly struggling with your intense emotions, how can you make sure you aren’t being a burden or emotional vampire to the people around you? i want nothing but good for the world, and i try to be a nice person (e.g, polite, help others when needed, encourage people rather than put them down etc), but i’m so emotionally damaged i always just end up fucking up and i think i unintentionally hurt people anyway and don’t even realise it
(edit: spelling)
I would ask myself if I am able to be open and honest with them or if I am trying to get someone to do something without actually speaking the words out loud.
Brittany Schank thanks for the response!! i think i’m the first
I have a partner that claims im manipulative (ex. When I cry about my feelings being hurt after being mad) although I feel like the emotion is genuine. Its a weird dynamic where I question whether my bpd is being paranoid and irrational or if my partner is gaslighting me. It's a tricky world to live in with this disorder.
Best advice I heard is to take it easy on yourself cause feeling flustered comes from being extremely hard on yourself. One day at a time.
Okay, so I accidentally hit the dislike button while reading your comment and I think I undid it but just in case: if you see a thumbs down it's not a genuine dislike. I'm just clumsy. You posted a really vulnerable question and I didn't want you to think somebody was being a jerk.
THANK YOU. This is making me cry. From the beginning. Very good & true!
I have lived under this literally all of my life in various ways, and unable to get away. Even the short times I got away, my mind & heart are warped from & filled with this... making me act weird around everyone a lot.
The people who do it would feel like the victims of they knew of said this about them. My close friend is now going thru it also.
People, please don't allow this stuff or stay around it. Get away & get healthy inside as quick as you can!
Thanks for putting all that info in your written description! 👍👏🤗
Can your own insecurities cause yourself to unknowingly manipulate yourself to things you generally wouldn't, or is that something else entirely?
I personally refer to that as self sabotage
Thanks for changing lives of people for the better, we need people like you who give hope to humanity.
We love you❤
Awe :) xoxo
I was going to say that I only wanted to listen to videos and not engage but than I read your comment Ann x and I felt bad. It made me remember when I was suicidal and she had a video that I listened to that saved my life. It's difficult to describe boundaries with people you don't trust.
So yes I’m not going to lie, I have manipulated some people in my past, unintentionally a joke turned into something more serious. I’m not proud of if and I am going to admit it rather then trying to make myself feel better, every day I think of how my life would’ve been if I hadn’t done what I did, but at the end of the day its happened and I’ll learn from my mistakes. 🥺💗
You are an angel for help. Thank you so much. You saved so many lives
How do I know if I 'accidentally' am manipulating others and how does one stop?
Also, why would be interesting. Love your Videos!
I would ask myself if I am able to be open and honest with them or if I am trying to get someone to do something without actually speaking the words out loud.
Kati already has a video about this! th-cam.com/video/91eCPsTu6LE/w-d-xo.html
My question was more about the manipulation than emotional control or clear communication.
I'm sure one can be manipulative without being malicious or doing it for personal gain.
I'm asking because it's hard for me personally to understand peoples emotions over problems I think/perceive to have a logical/rational solution. I then often get frustrated that people can't understand my (what I think is) obvious conclusion/argument and my friends and family sometimes say that I will talk until they just agree. I, on the other hand, feel like I just want them to understand and acknowledge my logic and I really do trie to understand why they feel the way they do and ask how I could better my reaction/wording to not offend them.
I'm just a very rational person and it's hard for me to understand peoples emotional attachment and sometimes even personal boundaries (though I got better in that aspect)
@@omegajoule I have a similar problem, I think the solution is to watch how they react to what you're saying, if they disagree and try to back off of the topic, ask them if they would like to debate about it or if they would rather just agree to disagree. Also, take the myer briggs persona test and ask your friends and fam to do so too, it's easier to understand people when they're put in vague ish groups
Liking this video, because it's true! I know from experience. And honestly, the most useful ways for me to move past the damage it caused were to surround myself with loving people and avoid close contact with harmful people for long periods of time (in other words, if you have to see the people who hurt you, just visit them in short spurts).
This reminds me a lot of my mom. Whenever I struggle with something, she always acts like it's the end of the world and I will never ever change. Like I'm incapable of self improvement. I noticed this more recently when I was being torn down by my mom because I was struggling with school. But then when I talked to my boyfriend, all he did was encourage me. Telling me that he knew I could do it. It was such a contrast to what my mother was telling me.
This helped me through dealing with a toxic mother and younger brother.
WELL SPOKEN "nuff said" STAY STRONG everyone
Great. I wish therapists helped us understand when we are experiencing emotions that are the result of manipulation from another person. As my understanding of human interactions gets better, I now respond to manipulation with anger.
Ive been seeing someone for 2 months and he keeps asking "oh don't you love me?" "Do you not care about me?" " I guess I'm not good enough for you" and other things if I haven't answered texts while at work or just during conversation. Is this manipulation?
Thank you Kati. In my case, I was the toxic one who did emotional blackmail. Now, my former friends have cut me off. But I took it as a lesson. I kept moving forward despite my mistakes.
My father is an MFT, but could you make a video based around the idea that what if I / you are having your friends leave you, or if possibly I'm annoying them or being 'extra.' and that causes them to push themselves from me. Please, it'd mean a lot.
Thank you Katie! I literally enjoy watching your videos. They helped me so much during my depression. I love how simple and clear your message is. Thank you so much for sharing your knowledge with the world! Keep going we need people like you ♥️✨
Hey Kati is emotional blackmail also considered when someone just threatens leave? Instead of like say they want to kill themselves?
Yes, because they are essentially backing you in a corner using the relationship as leverage.
Absolutely!
My husband's ex wife used to do this to him, to get what she wanted. He was so afraid to be abandoned that he'd cave in to her. Sometimes she'd still leave for a day or two, to "punish" him. It really did a number on him.
Yes... because it's still a threat made to get what they want instead of working with you to talk about it and figure it out. xoxo
@@Katimorton thank you!!😊 this relationship I'm talking about is with my mom and I know she is very controling. So I thought that since she is very controlling that she might be trying to manipulate me.
I think it’s like if someone says you better to this___ or else this___ will happen. Or like saying something like “I guess you don’t love me” if you say no to what they want
I unknowingly improved last year with the your videos on setting up boundaries. I just now I realised I was being manipulated.
Kati, I've told my therapist that I want to become psychologist.. Why do I feel ashamed and like burden after telling her?
I was in the same situation, and I felt ashamed because I was a mess & assumed "how could I ever help someone like this"? But in time you get better & stronger.
@@S***** Please don't assume and make judgement about her therapist if she did not post details about the therapist's reaction
@Happy Smile it is a sign of abuse, shame, guilt, feeling like a burden, or that you do not deserve to achieve a dream or a goal, or that you are worthless are all very clear signs and effects of trauma, and in a lot of cases manipulation. How did your therapist react? If she reacted in a neutral or a positive way, i suggest that you also tell her about feeling that shame and how you felt like a burden after telling her your decision or want. She should be able to help you work through that reaction. Just know that shame can be overcome, and you can become a therapist, as you work through your own traumas, you can gain insight which can then help you help your future patience. You don't have to be perfect, zen or whatever else describes absolute emotional stability to be a therapist, BUT you have to keep working on yourself. I know it seems a lot, and i know you might feel like you can't or you don't deserve it, but if you are willing to put in the work, you will be be able to be a good therapist, even if you haven't tamed all your inner demons while becoming a counselor. Sometimes, we can make our pet demons do some of the work for us, don't you think? Being "broken" yourself will help you empathize with your future clients and will help you better guide them through their own recovery.
My therapist is in therapy and seeing a psychiatrist as well. It helps me relate to her a lot more, making therapy more effective and even enjoyable at times. If your therapist is the one who is belittling you because you want to be a psychologist, you should really consider switching therapists!
Hey, have you told your therapist how you feel? Because it sounds to me like a great opportunity to explore your feelings and also to test out if this is the right therapist for you. And I say this as a psychologist myself.
Good luck!
I think it depends on whether you feel that way with the therapist, or if that feeling is coming from the negative tape playing in your head. Are you shaming yourself, or do you feel shamed by the therapist?
I am a therapist intern and in my family and in my personal life I've gone through a lot of really difficult things and am currently in therapy myself. Some of the things I've gone through have left such an imprint that I will probably have to be in therapy until the day I die. however a lot of people don't know that many therapists are in this situation. Many therapists, and many good therapists, are what they call "wounded healers."
when I first heard the expression it kind of made me want to puke because it made me think of people who wanted to heal others without working on their own shit. but there are lots of people healing others who have shit to work on who are definitely working on it in their own time. so hopefully it's not your therapist making you feel this way. But if you get that feeling from her, then I'd say it's time to go therapist shopping. It is kind of an exhausting thing to do, but it's a lot easier if you allow yourself to listen to exactly how you feel when you sit down with them for the first time. It tells you a lot. If you're sitting with the therapist and having thoughts like "gee, this doesn't feel very comfortable but maybe I just need to adjust..." then you probably need to find someone else, LOL.
Thank you Kati! Always test the spirits before giving them any amount of trust.
I feel like therapy is designed for victims and I totally think that’s right but I’ve been at both ends of that stick and it’s been more of a struggle for me to not be manipulative than to stand up for myself. I go to therapy and I’ve always had massive support when someone has been harmful to me but when I am being knowingly but uncontrollably harsh to someone else there isn’t that support. I’d love to hear if anyone else has gone through something similar. 💗💗
Of course there isn’t going to be support when you aren’t being nice, that’s not how things work. You can’t be an asshole and then expect everyone to agree with you.
I’m coming up on two years of sobriety on the 23rd this month. 6 months after getting sober I got into a relationship and 6 months later he moved in with me. It’s the first toxic relationship I’ve been in and the worst mistake I could’ve made. I’ve lost all self confidence. I stopped going to therapy and my anxiety is the worse it’s ever been. I feel so stuck and it’s horrible. I need to go back to therapy-I’m trying to figure it out but I know it’s going to take time. Especially healing from it. 😔 this is the first time I’ve even put my business out there so I’m using it as my first step. Thank you for what you do Kati ❤️❤️
You're Amazing.
Thank you for this video. I had a close friendship with someone that recently and abruptly ended. I often felt uneasy but thought this person just had my best interests in mind. I also never wanted to think poorly of him. I’m in therapy now and realize that I was being manipulated. It hurts, but I know it won’t always hurt and the most important thing is to learn from the experience and have the tools to gain confidence not to allow it to happen again. Thank you again so much not only for this channel but all that you do. Wishing you the best.
Another great video, Kati!
SO glad you enjoyed it!! I hope it helps! xoxo
Wow. . .this is eye opening.Ive been gaslighted for years without even realizing it.
My ex would constantly push my personal boundaries when it came to our sex life. Like regardless of how ‘healthy’ our dynamic appeared somehow that wasn’t enough. There was always some new fantasy to introduce, always existing past the limits I set but with an accompanying “oh you totally don’t have to do it if you don’t want to but also I will obsess over this specific thing and bring it up every single day until you give in.” Is this manipulation?
They pushed you over your boundaries, so I'd say yes.
Yes
Your ex wasn't respecting your boundaries
hoo hoo yes it is
Oh hell yes, it is, don't let these guys pressure and persuade you, if your really NOT comfortable with it, say no and MEAN it!!!!!
To add on to this discussion, I'm going to get really honest here. I think there's too many men, and some women out there too, who are learning about sex from all the porn that's floating out there and these insane 50 shades of Grey movies, and all that kinky stuff is NOT what real love is about. Real love is meeting a person where they are at , along with being responsible about sex and buying some condoms even though it can be damn embarrassing!!! Real love is not about trying to force anything on anyone. It's totally ok to have some sexual fantasies, everyone does, but sometimes a fantasy is really better off staying a fantasy. Real love is respect, simple as that.
This video is so validating. I made myself sick and drove myself crazy over my parents because they conveniently forget things, and have been trying to tell me I'm lying when I am not. They went as far to call my counselor to try to make themselves seem like innocent victims and discredit my claims of abuse. This is after years of manipulation and gaslighting, verbal abuse and emotional abuse. They've even involved others and are trying to make me look like a liar, threatening me with legal action even though I've not lied. I've been so sick and gained so much weight. It's so hard to be discredited with continued abuse and to lose my family, and to be called a liar to people who I thoight I could trust, but they believe my parents. I don't know how to begin to heal from this and not be afraid.
Parents do not threaten legal action on their children unless the child has done something pretty damn serious. You saying things your parents don't like definitely doesn't come under that bracket, so even from your description I can tell that you're not living in a healthy normal relationship. Try holding onto this to help with the gaslighting - their own reactions are betraying the truth here. Aside from that, I would recommend going to see a counsellor if possible, and aiming to become more independent from your parents as soon as you can. I'm so sorry this is happening to you and I hope you get the assistance you deserve
@@nerezza6517 thank you, it was my brother who threatened, and I do have a counselor as I mentioned above. She's been amazing. I live on my own and am currently organizing things so I don't have to go through my parents to pay bills. All I did was speak out against the abuse I endured, so my brother threatened with defamation of character even though I've done nothing wrong. I honestly don't want trouble and I want them to leave me alone, but my mom tends to start drama so who knows. I realize it all sounds extreme, but it's a sucky reality. I'm doing all I can right now being disabled to solely rely on myself.
@@ShaneBlackheart sorry for the misread, but it is great that you have some support from your counsellor! You've got quite a story, your family sounds way out of line. You just don't do that to your own kid. Best of luck to you, you've certainly fought hard enough for it 👍
My father is emotionally manipulative with saying things in ways making others feel bad for him to do things for him, but I don't even think he is trying to be, he has just always been that way towards his close family and so I don't even think he recognize it, is that possible?
I think so. It doesn't mean it's ok behavior though, nor that it's good for you to tolerate, but I think a lot of time people just learned, subconsciously, to do this, and don't recognize the harm they're causing others. I feel like my own mother is in that situation ... she's so caught up in her own unresolved stuff that she simply can't see how she's harming others. I know she loves me, but dang was she manipulative and emotionally abusive when I was a child (same thing with my mother in law, and my husband's childhood).
I love that you add in here that often times it's a feeling you get about people. It is SO SO important to listen to yourself and recognize the thoughts and feelings you have. Our body and mind are so powerful. Great video! Carry on warriors!!
I would recommend watching It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia if you want to see constant examples of this in a comedy show
Best. Show. Ever. The DENNIS System!
Thank you Mrs. Morton. Since therapy I see I've been manipulated long enough. I accept I can only control what I do.
im in a weird spot, started out by questioning my memories and actions and ended up in me having black holes in my memory. i dont remember much of my child/teenagehood, and the few spots i do remember are awkward or saddening🙃
I like your name
I love your channel Kati, sooo informative & helpful. Ty...& you are so soothing & calming w/the way you explain things. You honestly make me feel like I'm not just a "weirdo" & maybe just need some tools on how to deal with life better. Ty for that❤
Kati, you paint the manipulative person as a villain who’s intentionally setting out to hurt you, use you, or make you do things you wouldn’t normally do. That’s not always the case.
As someone with BPD I sometimes catch myself manipulating people, but I never set out to do it. It’s a realization that I’m doing it rather than a plan to do it. And I never do it to hurt the other, even though it often ends there - I think I do it to prevent possible abandonment, or to make sure that the person doesn’t surprise me with anything unexpected that would make me split on them. But the thought that someone would think I’ve specifically sat and made a grand plan to manipulate them, like some Disney villain, makes me feel uneasy.
I think people should be aware that sometimes we do what we do for irrational reasons, and instead of judging or leaving us, try to talk to us, set boundaries and help us wake up to an unhealthy behaviour.
As in that CXGF quote goes, the situation sometimes is a lot more nuanced than that.
Kati hasa great video on BPD that you may enjoy! th-cam.com/video/FO_n9c1cBng/w-d-xo.html
I relate so heavily. Id feel so personally heartbroken when I'd reflect on the wrong I did. It'd make me feel like the disorder is unresolvable and tempt me to abandon people I love so I wouldn't hurt them :( I want to do the right thing, and I feel like it would be easier to if people could accept that I'm doing my best
You can be manipulative, a villian and have BPD. Not mutually exclusive. And just because you didn't do it intentionally doesn't make it ok.
I agree that not all manipulative people do it on purpose, but a lot of others do. Plus, this video is for the victims to know what to look out for, as it is still very damaging whether intentional or not. I'm sorry you are going through all of that.
If you're hurting people and they realise they're being hurt, don't be surprised if they leave.
This can help my Mom get out of a toxic relationship with my Dad. Thanks, this was helpful!
Hey Kati!
A few weeks ago, my boyfriend of 3 years left me because he felt that I was manipulative and toxic lately. I'm in therapy to process through the manipulation and emotional abuse that I experienced from my family. I hadn't realized that I recently began to treat him the way my family treated me. Does this make me a terrible person? I've already made dramatic changes to my behavior but the thought of how much I hurt him still keeps me up at night.
Even if you really were manipulative, you can still make amends and forgive yourself for what it seems was an honest mistake coming from a difficult situation
Just based on the fact that you are in therapy and you sincerely want to improves means that you are NOT a bad person!
Bought the book are u okay? And lent it to a younger family member. A while later was contacted asking if knew any therapists. So thanks! Before that was worried they wouldnt go until they hit rock bottom.
Rogue Erised so glad it helped!!!! Do you mind if I tweet this comment @ Kati?
@@_just_TK Not at all, but please include my youtube handle/name.
Hey Kati, I have a question... I am a person who is highly sensitive. When people say things that feel like a stinging it hurts me deeply. When I muster up the courage to speak up certain types of people (bossy, controlling, apathetic) treat me like I am asking for the world or I am trying to manipulate them however I am merely being vulnerable and letting them know what I am feeling or what is bothering me. Overtime those reactions have resulted in me not feeling safe and secure expressing my feelings or needs as certain types of people tell me I am "too much"... it has caused me to feel like I am beneath people, and I end up behaving passive aggressively which I do not like however when I do speak up it is written off, so it's like someone asking for help and being ignored. Some could perceive me as being manipulative because when I speak up (even when my voice shakes) I get treated like I am being controlling and manipulative. I tend to back away from people when the same problems persist because I do not want to be seen as a nag or controlling person. Even today at work I have a coworker that tends to lean toward being bossy, feisty, outspoken and overbearing. She is a dental assistant like myself, actually younger than me, and is the kind of person that says "suck it up" so I do not feel secure in letting her know that her ways of engaging with me feel like I am beneath her, like she is my boss. I literally felt like saying that today to her at one point as she was directing me how to do my job ( I have been doing this job for 15 + years) but I bit my tongue as it would have come out passive aggressive. It was so subtle but def angered me. With those kind of people I do not feel safe expressing myself because it gets turned around on me and in that instance I tend to want to quit. I notice she not only does it with me but the staff in general even the dentist... very bold. I understand there is a part of her that is trying to help and make things run smooth however at the same time I feel like she is managing me. People like her and people like myself clash as she is the type that has the mentality of "grind grind hustle hustle savage military style of engaging with others and no one else wants to confront her. I feel like I am being monitored all day, and I am waiting to be corrected. People like her could perceive me as being manipulative when I speak up because if I frequently speak up it can be seen as I am too much and trying to control things but I am not. I just want respect like everyone else... I do not even go into her operatory because if I do I get questioned but she regularly comes into mine, sits down and talks to the other workers. Clearly there is a sense of entitlement. I do not know what to do... what do you suggest?
Hi there, I agree with the other comment here from thedyinghart.
I am a hsp, I can identify with being labelled ' too sensitive' before. It all depends how it's said to you because someone genuine could think you are being too sensitive about an issue, however when I am called that alarm bells always ring for me as someone saying to me 'you are over sensitive' is being manipulative by saying that in essence as they are trying to 'win'. At least if several things start to build up with a certain character like you seem to have mentioned.
You are mentioning something that is important to you and because they want to 'win' the conversation they use that term.
It doesn't sound like you are the controlling and manipulative one in this scenario.
I find it's difficult as a hsp and you might the same - it's hard to trust that our inclinations are right because it's easier to think that we are at fault. Hard to trust ourselves and also a challenge to speak up for ourselves.
As a hsp we really care what others think as well. If for a moment you 1. allow yourself to judge what is going on without caring what you are judged as ( very hard I know but momentarily it could help to see) 2. Imagine the behaviour between you and your ' colleague' was happening between two independent people, how would you see what's happening? For example your colleague mentions you are over sensitive when you speak up regarding an issue that happens - perhaps imagine the colleague and you as two other people you know and apply the behaviour to them.
I'm not sure I'm explaining that too well but I feel it can help to be objective maybe.
From reading your comment, and as a hsp myself, I don't think you are trying to 'control' things as such by speaking up, you are wanting to say how YOU feel which is perfectly acceptable.
For half my life, I thought the way my family was, was normal. But ever since I got cycled in and out of therapy, switched around to many therapists, talked with friends (both online and irl) I’ve realized many things my parents do... aren’t really okay or "normal“ and I’ve developed psychological repercussions from them and other experiences that I could never really explain. I figured I never really could place it because of how trained my thought patterns had been because of them, like I was wired to think everyone else in an enemy in a way since any time I’ve tried to bring something up, they instantly refuse and say I’m over dramatizing or straight up say it never happened to begin with. It’s been a constant tennis match of back and forth of who’s right, my parents or everyone else....
thank you for being one more person, without even knowing any of my story, who’s words are reassuring that... it’s not okay and it’s not in my head.
I hope/know this video could save someone from a relationship or situation or even reassure someone else ❤️
To anyone who’s even reading this, you’re strong and beautiful and amazing and brilliant, and most importantly, it’s not in your head and always listen to your gut ❤️❤️❤️
YES this is the topic for me
I can never tell, I'm super easy to manipulate, and they all seem to know it, the snakes 🐍🐍🐍
It can be so easy to feel like people are always out to get us. Usually we've been hurt in the past that causes us to think this way.
When this happens with your therapist...
I've been questioning my reality and perception for days even tho my family and family is telling me "go"!
I've been in a manipulative relationship for 13 years.. He has no family we live together so leaving I will leave him on the street and I feel guilty for that. If at all Cost stay out of a Manipulative relationship please don't be me
Thank you so much, Kati Morton. I have been emotionally abused and it took me a long time to realize the truth of it. This video has given me extra courage and information to make sure it doesn't happen again. 💜
I’m currently pregnant and in the process of buying a house with my partner however his mum is literally trying to control what we do with the house and what we need, she insists she needs a key for OUR house and has even been way too over the top with buying baby things and has got a crib for her house so that the baby can stay with her. She’s making me feel so out of control of my own life and like I can’t escape from her over obsessiveness, I just know I will end up becoming over protective of my baby and scared that she will be turning up on our doorstep all the time. How do I talk to her about this without her crying or lashing out..which she has done in the past?
If she's crying and lashing out, it sounds like she hasn't come to terms with the fact that she's not in control of your child's life. You, your partner and your baby are your own family now, she shouldn't get to control what happens inside of that. This really makes me mad. Is there any way of limiting communication with her until she agrees to your terms?
Thank you kati for creating this wonderful video and giving some tools to use.
What do you do if it is a child who is manipulating parents, adults, or others around them?
Kid is in the late teens.
@@BenPearson_kd7uiy Many times, kids/teens behavior has some sort of purpose behind it (whether functional or not). What types of behaviors are you seeing that are manipulating?
Hey Kati! 💖💖💖
Thank you for your work.
I'd love if you made more videos on dealing with childhood abuse as an adult.
Kati has a GREAT collab about this! th-cam.com/video/FTVUF2os__A/w-d-xo.html
Hi Kati, I really appreciated this video because I believe my mom has manipulated my sisters and I. I’m just curious, what behaviors would be out of the norm for a mother to tell her children to do? I sometimes can’t tell if she’s being as outrageous as she is in my mind.
I once had someone who manipulated me who told me I was narcissistic and manipulating them, this video has made me finally realise I wasn’t completely crazy, that those feelings were real and I was just being alienated and manipulated myself thankyou