Finally a video to make us see that ourselves can also be perpetrators. I'm tired of how mental health stuff is about avoiding toxic manipulative people etc but almost never about how we can also be the bad guy.
Not only that but also how the bad guy can become a good guy if the other person helps. I hate seeing comments like: just run away from a toxic person, or don't be friends with toxic people. But what if this person doesn't want to be like this and it's trying to change? How about we help them? Instead of running away from them.
Exactly. This sort of thing is what I look for. I know I've got problems I want to fix, but so much literature is focused on how to deal when people are being shitty to you, essentially othering those people and making it feel like any display of those behaviors is what makes up a terrible person. When I read those things, it's hard not to feel like a complete garbage person. What I really need in those times is a guide toward improvement that doesn't simultaneously diminish my humanity.
Thank you so much for talking about passive aggression! When I get upset, I sometimes tend to act passive aggressive because it's way easier than saying what's bothering me. However, I'm working on this. Loved the video and your new hairstyle!❤
As a symptom of my anxiety, sometimes I'm terrified of bothering people, so when they ask me how I am and I don't answer or I lie and say I'm okay, it's because I don't want to be a burden and drag them down, but now I'm worried I'm being manipulative. I totally get how a lot of this is bad and I'm going to work even harder to catch it, but some of this stuff I don't do to manipulate people, I do it because I worry about upsetting them, burdening them, or I fear them getting angry at me for being too honest, all stuff I dealt with growing up, so I learned to clam up and bottle things. I always put others before myself, and to think that's manipulative behavior has me confused and I just generally don't know what to do when some of this is not with ill intent, and a part of my panic disorder and PTSD, as well as general coping, like waiting to communicate or having to fall silent so I don't say something I'll regret. I like to think through things, and my counselors have taught me that I don't owe anyone an explanation, although I suppose that just means to still be honest at a base level. I'm glad I watched this video. It's eye-opening. I'll have to talk to my therapist about it and she can help me work through my confusion, and to figure out what parts are just my body coping with trauma and what is generally something I need to stop.
try not to worry, being like this is just something to be mindful of that everyone does, i think this upload is meant to help us be able to communicate how your feeling better, instead of not being totally truthful about ourselves with others. Being a little bit manipulative in these ways is not some huge sin that makes you a bad person, it sounds like your already very considerate of others, and worthy of self kindness.
I deal with those things too, but for different reasons. I’ve been around narcissists and other self centred folk for so long that it’s hard to trust that somebody actually wants to know me and be a real friend, instead of feed off of my positivity and affection. But like she said, we have to (learn to) allow people the opportunity and space to show up for us, cuz it’s healthy and it’s really what we want. So *highfive and good vibes* my friend, keep on keepin on 💞
My immediate reaction was the same; I watched and then started from the point of beating myself up because I match some of those behaviours but, in the vast majority of cases it is my anxiety kicking in that always makes my instinctive reaction to be not to bother or upset people. I think that this video is 'harsh' but, not in a good way without some of the context, caveats and nuance of things that need to be tackled first like low self esteem and social anxiety. I know that I have become better at opening up and being more direct but, I still find that when I do that I will spend a lot of time subsequently analysing if I was a good person for even doing that because I may have hurt the other person and they just don't want to tell me. I think that this might be an 'unintended consequence' and I might come back to this video but, I don't think it's a healthy watch for me really.
I have the opposite problem, where I had a parent that was extremely emotionally manipulative and now I constantly worry that I'm doing the same, when I'm actually just acting fine.
I wish there where more videos and information that flag negative behaviours in ourselves without being judgmental or so focused on the victim. I genuinely think that allot of people who are abusive or have negative traits arent bad, they just dont know any better and have little self awareness. There is so much information about how to spot a manipulator or abuser or narcissist that is focused on the point of view of the victim and not near enough information to help abusers gain some self awareness.
Growing up, my mom always played the victim in all of her relationships (including the one with me). When I started dating and creating deeper friendships, I realized that I started doing the same thing and knew I needed to knock! it! off! Therapy is a gift and helped me figure out other ways to cope, communicate, and figure out why I felt the need to victimize myself. Thank you so much for sharing! We all have toxic traits, it’s just a matter of recognizing the behavior, your triggers, replacing negative habits, and continuing to grow ❤️
I never realised how toxic passive aggression was, until i got friends who werent that way and it really made me realise i very much copied this behavior from my family and previous friendships. I'm glad i met people who, like me, really are working on being the best possible person they can be. This video is very informative and if i ever need to explain anything manipulation wise i will definitely direct them towards this video😊
The subject of being toxic/manipulative/covertly malicious yourself is very challenging and very interesting to explore. I hope it will be discussed more ❤️
I go silent in arguments especially if I did anything wrong. It’s not to have them bend or feel bad, I just have an incredibly difficult time not crying and dont want to do that because it feels super manipulative when I know my emotions are temporary and their feelings are valid. But I will work on clearly communicating clearly, thank you for this video!
I think b/c of my struggle with self-esteem, I use some of these tactics as a defense mechanism, b/c I ofter feel that people are trying to demean me with their actions so as a way of fighting back, I use these tactics. I will working on improving myself and also in tandem continuing to work on my self-esteem issues. Thanks for this video.
and an apology is not just for being wrong but because you dont understand the other person. (like she said sorta) but yeah that was a killer point she made
I have ASD and passive agression annoys me so much because I get so confused. I think I don't do these things a lot, I like to be as straightforward as possible but I probably don't even notice when I do.
Saaaaammme I am Autistic+Tourettes+ADHD. I often literally can't stop myself from confronting the confusion from this behavior. I am currently living with 3 other young men and one of them is undiagnosed/untreated OCD and always uses passive aggressive and snide comments to imply that I've done something in the shared space "incorrectly". I have to literally tense my whole body from unloading on him, with strong urges to tell him how I experience OCD and how I can help and how I don't feel respected when he presses his neurotic narratives on me.
I needed this advice growing up. My mom and I engaged in mutual stonewalling so often. The advice still helps to remind me to just tell someone how I feel about whatever is going on
Thank you, when people use those methods to manipulate; they believe everyone is doing the same. I also like how you imply to express gratitude, always. Unspoken expectations; that one is also bad for relationships. Thanks for video.
My problem is that every time I communicate my needs, feelings, and wants in a very polite and direct way, I am often being punished with anger, rage, or silent treatment in my family, which taught me not to bring up anything that's on my mind. But that is counterproductive. All my life I feel like walking on eggshells, eternally over-analyzing and ruminating over how much more politely and more sweetly to suggest something that I need or want... and every time it only makes them mad at me. The more I try, the worst it gets. I end up feeling like a doormat. I have had enough of nice communication skills. I need to learn assertiveness and how to stand up for my boundaries. No matter how good I communicate, most people in my life ignore or don't care and do what they want to any way. Then I ruminate forever over how to communicate even better and try again even nicer, which only angers or annoys them. Instead of trying and trying and trying, I should lose all ties with those who do not care to listen to me. Work on your communication skills. But don't try to communicate better and better with those who refuse to even listen to you or acknowledge your existence.
i have the same problem as you, and it made me frustated in my situations.... most people don't want to hear the truth, especially when you are like me, having Narc family
I suggested something the other day, and got accused of manipulating. Sometimes people accuse others of manipulation because they themselves are over-sensitive, and that accusation in itself is a form of manipulation.
@Bryan Mack Actually, when I think back about the scenario that was described in my first comment, my companion was most likely trying to manipulate me... into bed. Didn't happen.
Thank you! It was so revealing, I’m passive aggressive and when I get to a point where I feel really unheard, I stone wall. Never got this revelation so clearly before + never felt it was so toxic. In my mind it’s a way to protect me, but it shouldn’t be.
You have done something really incredible today. You’ve helped me remember who I actually am and how I handle situations. I’ve always handled situations by sitting down and talking about it and letting them know how I feel and I haven’t been doing that lately. Today, you made me realize who I am as a person. Thank you 🙏
Passive aggression is a huge thing to work on for me. I really struggle to be open and straightforward sometimes, but I'm working on it by forcing myself to express my feelings on the little things, with the hope to learn to be sincere on the big things as well. Thank you for this video, it was really helpful!
I don't think this video is harsh at all! There's not enough honesty out there about how our own actions and reactions contribute to relationship issues. Thank you for this.
manipulation implies knowledge and intent, now that you know, you can learn new ways to get what you want :) try DEAR MAN for starters, Katie has a video on it!
I can agree, i lost my best friend today because i was being manipulative to her and now Ive seen this. I learned a lot and hopefully i can change ❤️ but i may not ever talk to her again because she’s an online friend. BUT i have other online friends that i talk to that love me and i love them too and im not manipulative to them either, i hope i can really change✨
IKR. My parents have always said how I play victim and get defensive. They are the only ones who have said that tbh. However, sometimes my intentions or motives i question a lot. Idk if it’s manipulation (probably is), but sometimes depending on my state of mind, i will say certain things knowing the reaction I will get. Most of the time I am right. The ghosting is just the big sad (my depression) 🤷♂️.
I can’t wait to hear your insight, we all have toxic traits, and sometimes it can be difficult to notice when I make mistakes!! Happy holidays Kati! ❤️🥰
Hey Kati, long term watcher here... but I don’t often engage on YT cos it freaks me out.. just wanted to say that your content has been one of the most helpful tools in my MH ‘journey’. I have struggled for a long time and got some diagnoses in the last 18 months and your channel has given me so much understanding of myself and hope and tools to live a little easier. It sucks that some of your content gets demonetised because these are the things we all need. Thanks x100 from Australia 💓
This hits it on the nose- “manipulation” has been part of me from age 5- why so early? Because that was the age I gathered with my therapist when it started due to “abondamment” issues, when my parents divorced and nobody told me they had. In fact, they didn’t want me around them for two years as well and never told me what happened. Including the grandparents I was stuck with for years. Saying things interesting enough in order to hope someone won’t ditch me because I’m ultimately afraid of being alone. I then Stone Walled most of them because of how close I got with them not because I’m trying to manipulate them further- I just felt I don’t deserve the attention and don’t want to feel I can’t meet up to their expectations of how cool I might be to them. And so I abandon them first.... it’s a terrible repeat loop that I’ve been slowly chipping away to get rid of, this video helps me keep my head on straight when I talk to anybody- so ty for doing this video 💗👍
Thank you so much for this video, Kati!!! As someone with BPD, I personally tend to play the victim and stonewall. However, my manipulation is really totally unintentional. When I’m “playing the victim” I don’t mean to be overdramatic with my emotions but I feel my emotions so strongly that that’s how it seems to others. With “stone walling” I stop talking with people thinking that I’m doing people a favor because when I stop talking to them then they don’t have to deal with keeping a relationship with me
thank you for this. now i know that i sometimes was manipulative but you are talking about this like its something normal and everybody does that so that helps not feeling so evil
Love this! My pastor once said the backside to your greatest strength is your weakness. Super helpful to learn about being manipulative unintentionally. Thank you! Merry Christmas ❤️
I loved this video! It is my biggest frustration when people don’t communicate clearly. I’m autistic, so I need clear, concise, communication. I really don’t get hints, or suggestions. It’s such extra work trying to connect the dots, or feeling the heartache of someone I care about withholding, and/or purposely ignoring my apologies, or my invitations to discuss what the matter is. Or what went wrong. I don’t understand... My oldest and dearest friend of 35 years would rather throw our whole friendship away, than discuss, talk through and take responsibility for a situation that happened whilst our families were on holiday together. I still don’t understand that 4 years later. Just use your words. And no... You won’t always get what you want. You won’t always get what you ask for. You won’t always get your own way... But that in itself, holds valuable lessons in kindness, compassion and compromise. Relationships are like bank accounts. You have to make regular, healthy deposits as well as withdrawals. Great video Kati. Thank you so much ☺️
Self awareness in conjunction with mindfulness practice (5+ years). The two of them were a powerful combo !! And has helped me curve a lot of my “crap”(for want of a better word)
Passive aggressiveness is something Finns (Finnish people) are raised on as a normal way of reacting to things. I just wish something change and they talk directly about things. It’s absolutely exhausting....
@@LuxTheFrog then don't do it. Tells this to your mother that it's something not négociable for you. 🙌🏻🙏🏻
5 ปีที่แล้ว +44
Maybe this is an unrelated topic, but when you talked about just asking what we need from people, that resonated very much with me. I have a very dear friend who lives in another state, but is coming to a city near mine to spend Christmas with his family. And I'm finding very hard to ask him to spend some time with me while he's around. I keep thinking that he has his family to stay with, and other friends he wants to see aswell... And I feel like I'm not as important and not a priority even if there's no evidence that this is the case - quite the contrary, he said I don't need to be insecure about this. I find it very difficult to ask people when I need more love or attention from them. If is not coming to me organically, or if I ask for more, I feel pressuring them, I feel like I'm a chore.
Honestly, telling your friend you would like to see them while they're in the area makes your friend feel appreciated and cared for. I can't speak for other people, but for me, it makes me feel so good when my friends tell me they want to see me. I would think your friend would really be happy that you're interested in spending time together.
Asking is not pressuring. You could say something like “I would love to see you when you are visiting X, if that works for your schedule”, then you leave enough space for people to say no if they want or need to.
My husband and I are king and queen of passive aggressive. We both grew up in families where we were emotionally abused and neglected....it makes arguments interesting between us. We just started counseling, and it’s been eye opening, already! There’s hope, friends!
I have a long history of being emotionally abused and my therapist knows this. After watching this video, I noticed how much he actively tries to steer me away from these patterns and he models the healthy thing to do. An example off the top of my head being, we do outreach (meeting in the community) and we meet for coffee. When he needs to change the appointment, he gives me options and after telling me what he needs, then thanking me for accommodating him. It's made it a lot easier to do the same. This was a cool video.
I have been following your channel for quite some time and LOVE your videos. I wanted to be a therapist when I grew up but sadly life got in the way. That hasn't stopped me from having a hobby of investigating various mental illnesses and conditions. Your channel helps a lot. I SO wish you were local to me, I would hire you into my medical team in a heartbeat!
Taking the time to really realize what behaviors you act out in is so good to progress in mental health. Realizing both positive and negative behaviors and mechanisms used is very much needed
Thanks for making this video. It's really good to know that we're not alone in falling into these patterns of behaviour, and we have the power to change them.
Love your videos! I first found you in 2013 when I was struggling a great deal (self harm, suicidal, depression & anxiety) due to being bullied at school among other things. 2015 I got diagnosed with ptsd and started using alcohol as a way to cope after giving up self harm. 2016 I became sober after an episode of physical violence. 2017 I graduated high-school on the top of my class. 2018 I started working as a TA in elementary and being assigned to some kids with ADHD and autism. It was such an enriching and humbling experience. 2019 I’m a psych major.
Okay okay, I can own my crap lol. I have DEFINITELY been manipulative to get what I want. I used to be so passive aggressive, now I catch myself. Thank God for grace 🙏🏾
I think one thing that really helped me to not stonewall is learning to actually ask to take a break and have some alone time to think / cool down, or, sometimes just make that statement, like, "I like you and I feel overwhelmed. I don't want to say something I regret or something hurtful in the heat of the moment, so I'm going to take a break now." In healthy relationships, people respect honesty and boundaries. Stonewalling is a coping mechanism when I think my boundaries won't be respected in a conversation and I didn't know how else to make the conversation stop.
I do passive agressivness and stone walling because I find it very difficult to handle direct conflict. Thanks for making me aware of it and for showing us a better way.
Thanks for addressing this as I find that a lot of therapy is focused way too much on what happened and not being accountable for how we are displaying these actions in the present
Gosh Kati, I REALLY like this video!! I would love for you to do more videos like this, on how to know if you are the one with the mal-adaptive/bad/hurtful behavior. I am really interested in this angle. I usually have that in mind when learning about bad behavior, but content-creators usually always take the angle of it being the other person behaving poorly. I love your channel and have been a viewer for several years. 💕 Happy Holidays!
It's always important to look at ourselves because it's empowering to be aware of our faults as well as our skills. Responsibility prefaces improvement. Happy Holidays!
I never realized what unhealthy habits I had with my relationships... Thank you for not only bringing these things to light for people, but offering solutions. Didn't realize I needed this.
Somewhere I have been very manipulative, not only towards my best friend but also towards my other friends. I just realised that how much their success affects me which I am so ashamed of. It's always like I should be the one shining brightly instead of others. It's such a toxic trait. How i influence their decisions, major ones in life and I have decided no more. I am going to start working on myself. I will focus on myself and my happiness only. I will work hard to just let things go and not be affected by it. I really needed to acknowledge it and thank you for making me realise how toxic i am. Will definitely work on it starting from this instant.
I agree with a lot of what you say, and I’m glad to have found your page. I do get silent, and it affects a lot of people in my life, between home, and work. I get annoyed by people in general, and at times, I just shut people out, just so I will not say anything I will really regret. When people ask me why I get like that, I tell them people piss me off, and I always get the get over it, or blah, blah, and then I say, no you know why I get quiet... sorry y’all, looked like the best place to vent lol
Guilt tripping people is one of my own manipulative behaviours that I only became conscious of in my 30s and have made an effort to stop. I learned the behaviour from my mother, who has used it on me a lot throughout my life.
In DBT we think of it more in terms of interpersonal effectiveness. Objectives goals, relationship goals, self-respect goals. Manipulative-ness assumes malicious intentions. When we assume someone has those intentions we're already kinda screwing ourselves. We all wish to influence others in our lives, and others are always trying to influence us.
I’ve been passive aggressive because I grew up in an environment where I was never allowed to have an opinion or even express my feelings without being yelled at and told I’m wrong, so passive aggression became my only recourse. I hate it. It’s such a negative trait so now I just say what I’m feeling and if people don’t like it, I don’t care.
Holy crap, my husband has ALL 3 of the types you listed! WHAT?!?! No wonder it's taken so much counseling 4 ME, post relationship. Out 50 days NO contact. Thanks, sister.I still love him, but it will be from afar, forever. THIS has been my roughest road in life, ever! 💙✌️🤗
I was so scared to watch this video because I was like: I know I've got to be guilty of this. But you explain things in such an objective and informational way. I also am reminded that I'm just anxious :) Thank YOU!!!
Hey Katie! I love when you mention the theories behind what you’re explaining, like you did with the 4 horsemen of the apocalypse in this video. Would you ever consider doing whole videos dedicated to exploring theories like these in depth?
Thank you. I’m a diagnosed Borderline, and I needed to hear this. I don’t lie but I often use every other manipulation technique. I can’t tell you how much Information I needed in this video.
damn, I do 3 of those (passive aggression, suggestion, playing the victim) I do tend to ignore texts as well but it's more related to general stress and being unable to cope with reality, than anything manipulative...
Thank you so much for this video. I realize now my family had been passive agressive. But I've worked hard to develop patience and communication in my marriage now. It doesn't always work, but I am trying!
Kati: "I'm gonna tell you how you're being manipulative without even knowing it, but first subscribe to my channel" Ahhhh that's manipulative. Haha sorry kati, It's late, I'm being silly. I love your content, and educating myself.
Great video!! I love videos like this, that remind us is no one is perfect and we can all do some work on ourselves. I'm definitely most prone to suggestion, because I feel ashamed to ask people for the things I want (or need) regardless of what they are, so I fall into this trap of always trying to hide my wants and needs, so then to get them met I make, frankly disingenuous "suggestions" which are really just designed to get me what I need in the situation. I've done some work on this "feelings guilt" in therapy and I'm really lucky now to be in a relationship where I feel safe expressing my wants and needs, so now I'm practicing changing what the default is for me, and going for a more direct and transparent communication style.
Hey Kati. I hope you see this! Why do I feel so much guilt and shame for having to tale antidepressants. Is that just my self hatred? I hope it makes me better but I can't seem to shake feelings of guilt - all the professionals in my life strongly urged me to do it! I don't understand. Thank you! Your videos give me strength. Much love ♥️ and merry Christmas
Hey I’m not Kati but I’ve been in your shoes before. I had to take antidepressants too and felt bad about it. Here’s the thing that helped me. Maybe this will help you? Other people rely on the same feel good chemicals that you do. It’s just that you get your feel good chemicals from a prescription. Either way humans rely on chemicals like dopamine. To feel better. Maybe reading into the science will help you understand that it’s not always something you can control. Sometimes it’s genetic. I’m not a doctor or anything just speaking from experience.
Bethany - B2pk films there’s nothing shameful about taking medications. That means that part of your issue is due to a chemical imbalance meaning that antidepressants are by far the most effective treatment. Would you feel as ashamed if u had to take medication to lower your blood pressure?
I already knew that I can be toxic as hell but it's nice to have it so specifically pointed out like this. Like I can really see all the things I do and think about how not to continue to do them. When to take notice and stop being so manipulative. I've done all of these things before. I have. And all I can say is that I'm working on it. I used to partake in "stone walling" so often and it was not helpful at all. (Obviously) I've gotten to a point where I almost never do that! Still working on the rest though...
Dear Kati, My brother has been verbally abusive my whole life. I've tried over and over again and I'm so tired of picking myself up again and standing up for myself and then trying to fight and him beating me down again. Ex. I used his shampoo a couple times without knowing it was his explicitly, and now he wants me to buy him a while new bottle. It's things like that that are honest mistakes or literally talking to loudly and then he makes me feel like a worthless piece of crap. My mom claims he's made a breakthrough and wants to change, but I'm too tired to try again and make myself even remotely vulnerable again. I don't know if I should try again or protect myself. He has nearly every sign of clinical narcissism. He has literally said he doesn't care if anyone in my family dies, including me. He didn't cry when our grandma died, he didn't bother to help in any way when my dad had a heart attack, etc. Please help. Thank you for all you do! ~Ari
I’m so sorry Ari! I am not a mental health professional, and I don’t really have any advice to give, but I want to say that your feelings are totally valid, and I hear you.
His is the older brother I think he should had some problems in the past and he blame you parents you can change by sending indirect massage to his unconscious brain without he noticed you it will may take days To do it.
If he is communicating to you through your mom then I doubt he has changed as much as he says he has. If you feel unsafe you need to protect yourself. You don't owe him a reconciliation just because your mom says that he says he's changed. Also nowhere in here do I hear anything even close to an honest apology, which you deserve to receive!
What @@lizl1407 said! You owe him nothing. Even if he has changed, you don't owe him another chance. Yes, protect yourself. But yeah, if he had truly changed, he would have come to you and apologized to your face, and apologized with zero blame on you. The inability to apologize or take any responsibility for his side in things are huge flags for toxicity.
My suggestion: you do not owe people your presence; especially if they only want you around to soothe their ego or guilt or check off the “everything’s back to normal :D” box or whatever. If you come across your brother in the natural course of your life, go ahead and talk to him as if he were any other person you’re meeting; but you’re not bound to go seek him out if you don’t want to. If your brother really is doing better, he’ll understand your need for distance and be fine living in his own lane; if he can’t handle that, then he has no business waving his opinion at you.
I'm so guilty of lying by saying i'm gonna do something when I don't actually want to. Thank you so much for making this video. Your channel has helped me grow so much. Hope you have a beautiful holiday season!
It's okay to cry. It's not ok when: "oh look at me! I'm so crying. You will do now, won't you?" But if you're like: "I have to go and have some space" and then cry in your intimacy and then get back to that person telling him/her what hurt did to you then it's ok.
I am usually a direct, honest person. It seems most people are so used to passive agression, that direct communication makes them defensive. I believe that causes us to become manipulative, without meaning to.
the single greatest predictor is whether or not the couple support each other in their dreams, that came out of Gottman's research later, after they'd discovered the four horseman. I like it because it is simple, and if you focus on one thing sometimes the horsemen start to trot away by themselves
Stonewalling was/is something I did/do. Not so much now, but same as you Kati, as a teenager if I excelled in anything, it was silent treatment. Thank you for bringing it up, I'm glad there's a word for that. Your videos are so helpful
I'm a stonewaller when I feel my boundaries have been crossed after I laid them out. It's a final boundary and a statement of, I decide who has access to me. These habits run deep, I won't lie.
Thank you Kati. Yes it’s an important message and we have to acknowledge theses issues, I must admit I do the stonewalling thing still and I’m 57! I reason in my head that people don’t like me and I know I am a social hand grenade at times as I don’t really know how to fit in. So I end up cutting myself off from people and it’s like I goes to this silly little self pity mode and say how horrible everything is because I have made it that way and people consequently don’t like me. But maybe I create or imagine this case to be true so that I can find somewhere safe to go. I think I have developed safe zones all my life but I find it so hard to tell people what I really feel in case they think I’m needy … so I guess all of this is not good.
I appreciate your knowledge of borderline and you make very good points. I would like to mention one thing that bothered me. I didn't care for the examples of "being dramatic" and a few other examples. When you threw your head and hand back, acting dramatic, it was hurtful. It felt a bit like mocking those who feel intensely. I really think you know your stuff about borderline, but I wanted you to know that some of the things said and the way they were expressed were hurtful. I am practicing direct communication with this comment. I am healing from borderline and I believe we all can!
I feel like I definitely stone wall. When I was younger, I was passive aggressive. I want to say that I wouldn’t call it “lying.” I would call it “making empty promises.”
I don't speak english very well, but I have to say this, you are an awesome psychologist and It's clear to me that you know what you are talking about.
"most of us didn't grow up in a family where healthy communication was supported"
Understatement of the century right there, haha
i agree
frick
Cuz it’s “talking back”
@@ainsleynewcomb8158 EXACTLY!
AiNsLeY NeWcOmB exactly 😒
Finally a video to make us see that ourselves can also be perpetrators. I'm tired of how mental health stuff is about avoiding toxic manipulative people etc but almost never about how we can also be the bad guy.
Not only that but also how the bad guy can become a good guy if the other person helps. I hate seeing comments like: just run away from a toxic person, or don't be friends with toxic people. But what if this person doesn't want to be like this and it's trying to change? How about we help them? Instead of running away from them.
Yup denies agency, full being and worse encourages split narcissistic developments. The idea of perfect victim and perfect bad guy.
daniela9488
I agree completely.
Exactly!
Exactly. This sort of thing is what I look for. I know I've got problems I want to fix, but so much literature is focused on how to deal when people are being shitty to you, essentially othering those people and making it feel like any display of those behaviors is what makes up a terrible person. When I read those things, it's hard not to feel like a complete garbage person. What I really need in those times is a guide toward improvement that doesn't simultaneously diminish my humanity.
We live in a time where young people get to see this video and learn from it before it happens...yay internet!
I agree very much!!
Unfortunately they most likely won't bother watching it until they screwed up :)
@@silviaskypirate8716 Very true haha!
💙
Yep
Thank you so much for talking about passive aggression! When I get upset, I sometimes tend to act passive aggressive because it's way easier than saying what's bothering me. However, I'm working on this. Loved the video and your new hairstyle!❤
Of course!! I am so glad it was helpful :) xoxo
I think I am guilty too...
When I get upset I'm the queen of stonewalling someone.
not to get off topic here, but your hair??? is gorgeous and you look amazing today!
@@Tailionis say "MY" not males perspective. You don't speak for all of us buddy
She looks lovely! I hope she feels confident and happy!
Thanks for saying that. I was thinking the same. 👌🏻
Chihuahua Crew ok incel
Chihuahua Crew ? Trans? LOL weirdo as if that was an insult but ok
As a symptom of my anxiety, sometimes I'm terrified of bothering people, so when they ask me how I am and I don't answer or I lie and say I'm okay, it's because I don't want to be a burden and drag them down, but now I'm worried I'm being manipulative. I totally get how a lot of this is bad and I'm going to work even harder to catch it, but some of this stuff I don't do to manipulate people, I do it because I worry about upsetting them, burdening them, or I fear them getting angry at me for being too honest, all stuff I dealt with growing up, so I learned to clam up and bottle things. I always put others before myself, and to think that's manipulative behavior has me confused and I just generally don't know what to do when some of this is not with ill intent, and a part of my panic disorder and PTSD, as well as general coping, like waiting to communicate or having to fall silent so I don't say something I'll regret. I like to think through things, and my counselors have taught me that I don't owe anyone an explanation, although I suppose that just means to still be honest at a base level. I'm glad I watched this video. It's eye-opening. I'll have to talk to my therapist about it and she can help me work through my confusion, and to figure out what parts are just my body coping with trauma and what is generally something I need to stop.
I'm guilty of doing this. 🙋🏼🙋🏼🙋🏼
try not to worry, being like this is just something to be mindful of that everyone does, i think this upload is meant to help us be able to communicate how your feeling better, instead of not being totally truthful about ourselves with others. Being a little bit manipulative in these ways is not some huge sin that makes you a bad person, it sounds like your already very considerate of others, and worthy of self kindness.
I deal with those things too, but for different reasons. I’ve been around narcissists and other self centred folk for so long that it’s hard to trust that somebody actually wants to know me and be a real friend, instead of feed off of my positivity and affection.
But like she said, we have to (learn to) allow people the opportunity and space to show up for us, cuz it’s healthy and it’s really what we want. So *highfive and good vibes* my friend, keep on keepin on 💞
Exactly relate w/ the PtSD, not wanting to bother & I'm told from my therapist "you know we don't have to explain"
My immediate reaction was the same; I watched and then started from the point of beating myself up because I match some of those behaviours but, in the vast majority of cases it is my anxiety kicking in that always makes my instinctive reaction to be not to bother or upset people. I think that this video is 'harsh' but, not in a good way without some of the context, caveats and nuance of things that need to be tackled first like low self esteem and social anxiety.
I know that I have become better at opening up and being more direct but, I still find that when I do that I will spend a lot of time subsequently analysing if I was a good person for even doing that because I may have hurt the other person and they just don't want to tell me. I think that this might be an 'unintended consequence' and I might come back to this video but, I don't think it's a healthy watch for me really.
I have the opposite problem, where I had a parent that was extremely emotionally manipulative and now I constantly worry that I'm doing the same, when I'm actually just acting fine.
I'm petrified of becoming my mother.
I wish there where more videos and information that flag negative behaviours in ourselves without being judgmental or so focused on the victim. I genuinely think that allot of people who are abusive or have negative traits arent bad, they just dont know any better and have little self awareness. There is so much information about how to spot a manipulator or abuser or narcissist that is focused on the point of view of the victim and not near enough information to help abusers gain some self awareness.
Growing up, my mom always played the victim in all of her relationships (including the one with me). When I started dating and creating deeper friendships, I realized that I started doing the same thing and knew I needed to knock! it! off! Therapy is a gift and helped me figure out other ways to cope, communicate, and figure out why I felt the need to victimize myself. Thank you so much for sharing! We all have toxic traits, it’s just a matter of recognizing the behavior, your triggers, replacing negative habits, and continuing to grow ❤️
Very well said.
I never realised how toxic passive aggression was, until i got friends who werent that way and it really made me realise i very much copied this behavior from my family and previous friendships. I'm glad i met people who, like me, really are working on being the best possible person they can be. This video is very informative and if i ever need to explain anything manipulation wise i will definitely direct them towards this video😊
The subject of being toxic/manipulative/covertly malicious yourself is very challenging and very interesting to explore.
I hope it will be discussed more ❤️
Kati, what you’re spreading has helped probably so many people... including me. The gift of awareness is such a beautiful thing,
I go silent in arguments especially if I did anything wrong. It’s not to have them bend or feel bad, I just have an incredibly difficult time not crying and dont want to do that because it feels super manipulative when I know my emotions are temporary and their feelings are valid. But I will work on clearly communicating clearly, thank you for this video!
I think b/c of my struggle with self-esteem, I use some of these tactics as a defense mechanism, b/c I ofter feel that people are trying to demean me with their actions so as a way of fighting back, I use these tactics. I will working on improving myself and also in tandem continuing to work on my self-esteem issues. Thanks for this video.
I’ll admit that I’ve done all of these things, realized it was manipulative, then felt guilty afterwards
Me too
me three.
I'm not!
Same here. Then I repeat the behavior even after I tell myself I won't
Same.. and I went too far with it :/
"...and we're all correct!"
OMG. This is going to change my thinking!
Thank you.
and an apology is not just for being wrong but because you dont understand the other person. (like she said sorta) but yeah that was a killer point she made
I have ASD and passive agression annoys me so much because I get so confused. I think I don't do these things a lot, I like to be as straightforward as possible but I probably don't even notice when I do.
Saaaaammme I am Autistic+Tourettes+ADHD. I often literally can't stop myself from confronting the confusion from this behavior. I am currently living with 3 other young men and one of them is undiagnosed/untreated OCD and always uses passive aggressive and snide comments to imply that I've done something in the shared space "incorrectly". I have to literally tense my whole body from unloading on him, with strong urges to tell him how I experience OCD and how I can help and how I don't feel respected when he presses his neurotic narratives on me.
I needed this advice growing up. My mom and I engaged in mutual stonewalling so often. The advice still helps to remind me to just tell someone how I feel about whatever is going on
Thank you, when people use those methods to manipulate; they believe everyone is doing the same. I also like how you imply to express gratitude, always. Unspoken expectations; that one is also bad for relationships. Thanks for video.
My problem is that every time I communicate my needs, feelings, and wants in a very polite and direct way, I am often being punished with anger, rage, or silent treatment in my family, which taught me not to bring up anything that's on my mind. But that is counterproductive. All my life I feel like walking on eggshells, eternally over-analyzing and ruminating over how much more politely and more sweetly to suggest something that I need or want... and every time it only makes them mad at me. The more I try, the worst it gets. I end up feeling like a doormat. I have had enough of nice communication skills. I need to learn assertiveness and how to stand up for my boundaries. No matter how good I communicate, most people in my life ignore or don't care and do what they want to any way. Then I ruminate forever over how to communicate even better and try again even nicer, which only angers or annoys them. Instead of trying and trying and trying, I should lose all ties with those who do not care to listen to me. Work on your communication skills. But don't try to communicate better and better with those who refuse to even listen to you or acknowledge your existence.
i have the same problem as you, and it made me frustated in my situations....
most people don't want to hear the truth, especially when you are like me, having Narc family
I suggested something the other day, and got accused of manipulating. Sometimes people accuse others of manipulation because they themselves are over-sensitive, and that accusation in itself is a form of manipulation.
@Bryan Mack
Actually, when I think back about the scenario that was described in my first comment, my companion was most likely trying to manipulate me... into bed. Didn't happen.
Thank you! It was so revealing, I’m passive aggressive and when I get to a point where I feel really unheard, I stone wall. Never got this revelation so clearly before + never felt it was so toxic. In my mind it’s a way to protect me, but it shouldn’t be.
i WISH you were my therapist. you understand me without me even telling you what i’m hurting about!!!
The way you say “welcome” puts a smile on my face every time even if I had a bad day. Thank you!
You have done something really incredible today. You’ve helped me remember who I actually am and how I handle situations. I’ve always handled situations by sitting down and talking about it and letting them know how I feel and I haven’t been doing that lately. Today, you made me realize who I am as a person. Thank you 🙏
Passive aggression is a huge thing to work on for me. I really struggle to be open and straightforward sometimes, but I'm working on it by forcing myself to express my feelings on the little things, with the hope to learn to be sincere on the big things as well. Thank you for this video, it was really helpful!
We definitely ALL do these, and I wish all the narcissists I know would watch and heed this brief and comprehensive video!
I don't think this video is harsh at all! There's not enough honesty out there about how our own actions and reactions contribute to relationship issues. Thank you for this.
ive always thought that i was being manipulative, turns out i dont do any of these things! thanks kati! c:
This making me realize just how manipulative I am.😬
There's a good part in it: now you can start working on it. ✌🏻👍🏻
manipulation implies knowledge and intent, now that you know, you can learn new ways to get what you want :) try DEAR MAN for starters, Katie has a video on it!
I can agree, i lost my best friend today because i was being manipulative to her and now Ive seen this. I learned a lot and hopefully i can change ❤️ but i may not ever talk to her again because she’s an online friend. BUT i have other online friends that i talk to that love me and i love them too and im not manipulative to them either, i hope i can really change✨
me too girl 😳 time to start working on it
IKR. My parents have always said how I play victim and get defensive. They are the only ones who have said that tbh.
However, sometimes my intentions or motives i question a lot. Idk if it’s manipulation (probably is), but sometimes depending on my state of mind, i will say certain things knowing the reaction I will get. Most of the time I am right.
The ghosting is just the big sad (my depression) 🤷♂️.
I can’t wait to hear your insight, we all have toxic traits, and sometimes it can be difficult to notice when I make mistakes!! Happy holidays Kati! ❤️🥰
I hope it was helpful!! Happy Holidays to you!! xoxo
@@Katimorton I enjoyed watching the video, your advice always helps me see things in a new light!! Thank you so much, I appreciate it!!
Hey Kati, long term watcher here... but I don’t often engage on YT cos it freaks me out.. just wanted to say that your content has been one of the most helpful tools in my MH ‘journey’. I have struggled for a long time and got some diagnoses in the last 18 months and your channel has given me so much understanding of myself and hope and tools to live a little easier. It sucks that some of your content gets demonetised because these are the things we all need. Thanks x100 from Australia 💓
"Love should be taught as a kid, if they don't teach you...a little crazy or a little dangerous you will become"
I loved this balanced discussion of manipulation - examples were great!
This hits it on the nose- “manipulation” has been part of me from age 5- why so early? Because that was the age I gathered with my therapist when it started due to “abondamment” issues, when my parents divorced and nobody told me they had. In fact, they didn’t want me around them for two years as well and never told me what happened. Including the grandparents I was stuck with for years.
Saying things interesting enough in order to hope someone won’t ditch me because I’m ultimately afraid of being alone. I then Stone Walled most of them because of how close I got with them not because I’m trying to manipulate them further- I just felt I don’t deserve the attention and don’t want to feel I can’t meet up to their expectations of how cool I might be to them. And so I abandon them first.... it’s a terrible repeat loop that I’ve been slowly chipping away to get rid of, this video helps me keep my head on straight when I talk to anybody- so ty for doing this video 💗👍
Thank you so much for this video, Kati!!! As someone with BPD, I personally tend to play the victim and stonewall. However, my manipulation is really totally unintentional. When I’m “playing the victim” I don’t mean to be overdramatic with my emotions but I feel my emotions so strongly that that’s how it seems to others. With “stone walling” I stop talking with people thinking that I’m doing people a favor because when I stop talking to them then they don’t have to deal with keeping a relationship with me
thank you for this. now i know that i sometimes was manipulative but you are talking about this like its something normal and everybody does that so that helps not feeling so evil
This video is do healthy not only because of the list itself but because it highlights the fact that manipulation can be accidental
Love this! My pastor once said the backside to your greatest strength is your weakness. Super helpful to learn about being manipulative unintentionally. Thank you!
Merry Christmas ❤️
I loved this video! It is my biggest frustration when people don’t communicate clearly.
I’m autistic, so I need clear, concise, communication. I really don’t get hints, or suggestions. It’s such extra work trying to connect the dots, or feeling the heartache of someone I care about withholding, and/or purposely ignoring my apologies, or my invitations to discuss what the matter is. Or what went wrong. I don’t understand... My oldest and dearest friend of 35 years would rather throw our whole friendship away, than discuss, talk through and take responsibility for a situation that happened whilst our families were on holiday together. I still don’t understand that 4 years later. Just use your words. And no... You won’t always get what you want. You won’t always get what you ask for. You won’t always get your own way... But that in itself, holds valuable lessons in kindness, compassion and compromise. Relationships are like bank accounts. You have to make regular, healthy deposits as well as withdrawals. Great video Kati. Thank you so much ☺️
Bev Kenny I’m totally the same way! I’m on the spectrum too & I take everything literally
Self awareness in conjunction with mindfulness practice (5+ years). The two of them were a powerful combo !! And has helped me curve a lot of my “crap”(for want of a better word)
Passive aggressiveness is something Finns (Finnish people) are raised on as a normal way of reacting to things. I just wish something change and they talk directly about things. It’s absolutely exhausting....
would you open up a little bit?
Asians too.
@@LuxTheFrog then don't do it. Tells this to your mother that it's something not négociable for you. 🙌🏻🙏🏻
Maybe this is an unrelated topic, but when you talked about just asking what we need from people, that resonated very much with me. I have a very dear friend who lives in another state, but is coming to a city near mine to spend Christmas with his family. And I'm finding very hard to ask him to spend some time with me while he's around. I keep thinking that he has his family to stay with, and other friends he wants to see aswell... And I feel like I'm not as important and not a priority even if there's no evidence that this is the case - quite the contrary, he said I don't need to be insecure about this. I find it very difficult to ask people when I need more love or attention from them. If is not coming to me organically, or if I ask for more, I feel pressuring them, I feel like I'm a chore.
Honestly, telling your friend you would like to see them while they're in the area makes your friend feel appreciated and cared for. I can't speak for other people, but for me, it makes me feel so good when my friends tell me they want to see me. I would think your friend would really be happy that you're interested in spending time together.
Asking is not pressuring. You could say something like “I would love to see you when you are visiting X, if that works for your schedule”, then you leave enough space for people to say no if they want or need to.
My husband and I are king and queen of passive aggressive. We both grew up in families where we were emotionally abused and neglected....it makes arguments interesting between us. We just started counseling, and it’s been eye opening, already! There’s hope, friends!
I have a long history of being emotionally abused and my therapist knows this. After watching this video, I noticed how much he actively tries to steer me away from these patterns and he models the healthy thing to do.
An example off the top of my head being, we do outreach (meeting in the community) and we meet for coffee. When he needs to change the appointment, he gives me options and after telling me what he needs, then thanking me for accommodating him. It's made it a lot easier to do the same.
This was a cool video.
That's pretty neat of your therapist!
I have been following your channel for quite some time and LOVE your videos. I wanted to be a therapist when I grew up but sadly life got in the way. That hasn't stopped me from having a hobby of investigating various mental illnesses and conditions. Your channel helps a lot. I SO wish you were local to me, I would hire you into my medical team in a heartbeat!
I so needed this tough-love reminder, so thank you! I saved this in my mental health playlist. Love your videos. 💗💗💗
Taking the time to really realize what behaviors you act out in is so good to progress in mental health. Realizing both positive and negative behaviors and mechanisms used is very much needed
Thanks for making this video. It's really good to know that we're not alone in falling into these patterns of behaviour, and we have the power to change them.
Love your videos! I first found you in 2013 when I was struggling a great deal (self harm, suicidal, depression & anxiety) due to being bullied at school among other things. 2015 I got diagnosed with ptsd and started using alcohol as a way to cope after giving up self harm. 2016 I became sober after an episode of physical violence. 2017 I graduated high-school on the top of my class. 2018 I started working as a TA in elementary and being assigned to some kids with ADHD and autism. It was such an enriching and humbling experience. 2019 I’m a psych major.
JordanJFan woot woot!
Okay okay, I can own my crap lol. I have DEFINITELY been manipulative to get what I want. I used to be so passive aggressive, now I catch myself. Thank God for grace 🙏🏾
I think one thing that really helped me to not stonewall is learning to actually ask to take a break and have some alone time to think / cool down, or, sometimes just make that statement, like, "I like you and I feel overwhelmed. I don't want to say something I regret or something hurtful in the heat of the moment, so I'm going to take a break now." In healthy relationships, people respect honesty and boundaries. Stonewalling is a coping mechanism when I think my boundaries won't be respected in a conversation and I didn't know how else to make the conversation stop.
Thanks Kati for being so consistent with your videos! Always keeping/reminding us to communicate :)
I do passive agressivness and stone walling because I find it very difficult to handle direct conflict. Thanks for making me aware of it and for showing us a better way.
Dude, I'm so grateful for your channel! You give such great advice on how to fix ourselves and you don't judge :) thank you!
Thanks for addressing this as I find that a lot of therapy is focused way too much on what happened and not being accountable for how we are displaying these actions in the present
Gosh Kati, I REALLY like this video!! I would love for you to do more videos like this, on how to know if you are the one with the mal-adaptive/bad/hurtful behavior. I am really interested in this angle. I usually have that in mind when learning about bad behavior, but content-creators usually always take the angle of it being the other person behaving poorly. I love your channel and have been a viewer for several years. 💕 Happy Holidays!
First, thanks Kati for the video. With my BPD I'm concerned I might be manipulative without knowing. Second you look amazing!
It's always important to look at ourselves because it's empowering to be aware of our faults as well as our skills. Responsibility prefaces improvement. Happy Holidays!
Thanks for putting this out there. People need to start reflecting within themselves first before lashing out. This came right on time!
I never realized what unhealthy habits I had with my relationships... Thank you for not only bringing these things to light for people, but offering solutions. Didn't realize I needed this.
Somewhere I have been very manipulative, not only towards my best friend but also towards my other friends. I just realised that how much their success affects me which I am so ashamed of. It's always like I should be the one shining brightly instead of others. It's such a toxic trait. How i influence their decisions, major ones in life and I have decided no more. I am going to start working on myself. I will focus on myself and my happiness only. I will work hard to just let things go and not be affected by it. I really needed to acknowledge it and thank you for making me realise how toxic i am. Will definitely work on it starting from this instant.
Thank you! Self parenting is so important to me.
I agree with a lot of what you say, and I’m glad to have found your page. I do get silent, and it affects a lot of people in my life, between home, and work. I get annoyed by people in general, and at times, I just shut people out, just so I will not say anything I will really regret. When people ask me why I get like that, I tell them people piss me off, and I always get the get over it, or blah, blah, and then I say, no you know why I get quiet... sorry y’all, looked like the best place to vent lol
This is my favorite mental health channel Katie I love your warm, friendly personality. I learn something new everytime I see your videos.🌞 🤸🏼
Awe yay!! You are the sweetest :) xoxo
Guilt tripping people is one of my own manipulative behaviours that I only became conscious of in my 30s and have made an effort to stop. I learned the behaviour from my mother, who has used it on me a lot throughout my life.
In DBT we think of it more in terms of interpersonal effectiveness. Objectives goals, relationship goals, self-respect goals. Manipulative-ness assumes malicious intentions. When we assume someone has those intentions we're already kinda screwing ourselves. We all wish to influence others in our lives, and others are always trying to influence us.
I’ve been passive aggressive because I grew up in an environment where I was never allowed to have an opinion or even express my feelings without being yelled at and told I’m wrong, so passive aggression became my only recourse. I hate it. It’s such a negative trait so now I just say what I’m feeling and if people don’t like it, I don’t care.
Thank you Miss Morton for all of your help through out the year , Merry Christmas to you and Shawn !
Holy crap, my husband has ALL 3 of the types you listed! WHAT?!?! No wonder it's taken so much counseling 4 ME, post relationship. Out 50 days NO contact. Thanks, sister.I still love him, but it will be from afar, forever. THIS has been my roughest road in life, ever! 💙✌️🤗
this was really helpful. made me realize things i’ve done. always so informative thank you.
I was so scared to watch this video because I was like: I know I've got to be guilty of this. But you explain things in such an objective and informational way. I also am reminded that I'm just anxious :) Thank YOU!!!
Hey Katie! I love when you mention the theories behind what you’re explaining, like you did with the 4 horsemen of the apocalypse in this video. Would you ever consider doing whole videos dedicated to exploring theories like these in depth?
Thank you. I’m a diagnosed Borderline, and I needed to hear this. I don’t lie but I often use every other manipulation technique. I can’t tell you how much Information I needed in this video.
damn, I do 3 of those (passive aggression, suggestion, playing the victim)
I do tend to ignore texts as well but it's more related to general stress and being unable to cope with reality, than anything manipulative...
Thank you so much for this video. I realize now my family had been passive agressive. But I've worked hard to develop patience and communication in my marriage now. It doesn't always work, but I am trying!
I know someone who I always thought was pretty bossy, now I realize she's just ultra-manipulative!
Great video. Yes, this is the way people destroy trust in relationships and relationships themselves.
Kati: "I'm gonna tell you how you're being manipulative without even knowing it, but first subscribe to my channel"
Ahhhh that's manipulative.
Haha sorry kati, It's late, I'm being silly. I love your content, and educating myself.
someone has been paying attention
Great video!! I love videos like this, that remind us is no one is perfect and we can all do some work on ourselves. I'm definitely most prone to suggestion, because I feel ashamed to ask people for the things I want (or need) regardless of what they are, so I fall into this trap of always trying to hide my wants and needs, so then to get them met I make, frankly disingenuous "suggestions" which are really just designed to get me what I need in the situation. I've done some work on this "feelings guilt" in therapy and I'm really lucky now to be in a relationship where I feel safe expressing my wants and needs, so now I'm practicing changing what the default is for me, and going for a more direct and transparent communication style.
Hey Kati. I hope you see this! Why do I feel so much guilt and shame for having to tale antidepressants. Is that just my self hatred? I hope it makes me better but I can't seem to shake feelings of guilt - all the professionals in my life strongly urged me to do it!
I don't understand.
Thank you! Your videos give me strength. Much love ♥️ and merry Christmas
Hey I’m not Kati but I’ve been in your shoes before. I had to take antidepressants too and felt bad about it. Here’s the thing that helped me. Maybe this will help you? Other people rely on the same feel good chemicals that you do. It’s just that you get your feel good chemicals from a prescription. Either way humans rely on chemicals like dopamine. To feel better. Maybe reading into the science will help you understand that it’s not always something you can control. Sometimes it’s genetic. I’m not a doctor or anything just speaking from experience.
Bethany - B2pk films there’s nothing shameful about taking medications. That means that part of your issue is due to a chemical imbalance meaning that antidepressants are by far the most effective treatment. Would you feel as ashamed if u had to take medication to lower your blood pressure?
I already knew that I can be toxic as hell but it's nice to have it so specifically pointed out like this. Like I can really see all the things I do and think about how not to continue to do them. When to take notice and stop being so manipulative. I've done all of these things before. I have. And all I can say is that I'm working on it. I used to partake in "stone walling" so often and it was not helpful at all. (Obviously) I've gotten to a point where I almost never do that! Still working on the rest though...
How are you now,
Dear Kati,
My brother has been verbally abusive my whole life. I've tried over and over again and I'm so tired of picking myself up again and standing up for myself and then trying to fight and him beating me down again. Ex. I used his shampoo a couple times without knowing it was his explicitly, and now he wants me to buy him a while new bottle. It's things like that that are honest mistakes or literally talking to loudly and then he makes me feel like a worthless piece of crap. My mom claims he's made a breakthrough and wants to change, but I'm too tired to try again and make myself even remotely vulnerable again. I don't know if I should try again or protect myself. He has nearly every sign of clinical narcissism. He has literally said he doesn't care if anyone in my family dies, including me. He didn't cry when our grandma died, he didn't bother to help in any way when my dad had a heart attack, etc. Please help. Thank you for all you do! ~Ari
I’m so sorry Ari! I am not a mental health professional, and I don’t really have any advice to give, but I want to say that your feelings are totally valid, and I hear you.
His is the older brother I think he should had some problems in the past and he blame you parents you can change by sending indirect massage to his unconscious brain without he noticed you it will may take days
To do it.
If he is communicating to you through your mom then I doubt he has changed as much as he says he has. If you feel unsafe you need to protect yourself. You don't owe him a reconciliation just because your mom says that he says he's changed. Also nowhere in here do I hear anything even close to an honest apology, which you deserve to receive!
What @@lizl1407 said! You owe him nothing. Even if he has changed, you don't owe him another chance. Yes, protect yourself.
But yeah, if he had truly changed, he would have come to you and apologized to your face, and apologized with zero blame on you. The inability to apologize or take any responsibility for his side in things are huge flags for toxicity.
My suggestion: you do not owe people your presence; especially if they only want you around to soothe their ego or guilt or check off the “everything’s back to normal :D” box or whatever. If you come across your brother in the natural course of your life, go ahead and talk to him as if he were any other person you’re meeting; but you’re not bound to go seek him out if you don’t want to. If your brother really is doing better, he’ll understand your need for distance and be fine living in his own lane; if he can’t handle that, then he has no business waving his opinion at you.
I'm so guilty of lying by saying i'm gonna do something when I don't actually want to. Thank you so much for making this video. Your channel has helped me grow so much. Hope you have a beautiful holiday season!
When I am hurt I cry I don’t consider myself trying to be manipulative I consider myself hurt!
It's okay to cry. It's not ok when: "oh look at me! I'm so crying. You will do now, won't you?"
But if you're like: "I have to go and have some space" and then cry in your intimacy and then get back to that person telling him/her what hurt did to you then it's ok.
I am usually a direct, honest person. It seems most people are so used to passive agression, that direct communication makes them defensive. I believe that causes us to become manipulative, without meaning to.
i play the victim and stone wall a lot. love the song u used in the end
So glad I found this channel binged all day
R3linkui5H 451 Welcome to the Community!
wow now i'm quite interested in the four horsemen of relationships
the single greatest predictor is whether or not the couple support each other in their dreams, that came out of Gottman's research later, after they'd discovered the four horseman. I like it because it is simple, and if you focus on one thing sometimes the horsemen start to trot away by themselves
Stonewalling was/is something I did/do. Not so much now, but same as you Kati, as a teenager if I excelled in anything, it was silent treatment. Thank you for bringing it up, I'm glad there's a word for that. Your videos are so helpful
I was just questioning this of myself
I hope the video is helpful :) xoxo
@@Katimorton it was thank you. I need to be more vocal about how i feel and think about things.
This was so eye opening and helpful. I’m realizing my own faults as well as my partners. Learning a lot and trying to fix these. Thank you.
Wow. Hard words that needed to be said. Thank you for a great video.
I'm a stonewaller when I feel my boundaries have been crossed after I laid them out. It's a final boundary and a statement of, I decide who has access to me. These habits run deep, I won't lie.
Love you so much you are helping me a lot ❤️
Awe I am so glad :) xoxo
Thank you Kati. Yes it’s an important message and we have to acknowledge theses issues, I must admit I do the stonewalling thing still and I’m 57! I reason in my head that people don’t like me and I know I am a social hand grenade at times as I don’t really know how to fit in. So I end up cutting myself off from people and it’s like I goes to this silly little self pity mode and say how horrible everything is because I have made it that way and people consequently don’t like me. But maybe I create or imagine this case to be true so that I can find somewhere safe to go. I think I have developed safe zones all my life but I find it so hard to tell people what I really feel in case they think I’m needy … so I guess all of this is not good.
I appreciate your knowledge of borderline and you make very good points. I would like to mention one thing that bothered me. I didn't care for the examples of "being dramatic" and a few other examples. When you threw your head and hand back, acting dramatic, it was hurtful. It felt a bit like mocking those who feel intensely.
I really think you know your stuff about borderline, but I wanted you to know that some of the things said and the way they were expressed were hurtful. I am practicing direct communication with this comment. I am healing from borderline and I believe we all can!
I do believe we do NEED that extra chapter THANK you.
GOD bless you and yours 💞💞❣️
I feel like I definitely stone wall. When I was younger, I was passive aggressive. I want to say that I wouldn’t call it “lying.” I would call it “making empty promises.”
I don't speak english very well, but I have to say this, you are an awesome psychologist and It's clear to me that you know what you are talking about.