No relationship here currently, but so much enjoy listening to this great positive advice , understanding ,& information. Some of these videos are mesmerizing , like I can feel it doing something to my brain or something. I don't want to sound weird, I'm just describing my experience. 🌖☮️
my new friendship feels like we are finishing the power struggle. I gave him the space the needed and trusted that it won´t be the end. It is different then before because I agreed to spent less time with him. But I don´t know if this is really a friendship in my eyes which makes me kinda sad, he doesn´t want to meet me anymore so i have to see if things change or not, I don´t know if I can call someone a friend who doesn´t like to visit me but otherwise meets his friends whenever he can. I´m a supportive person and don´t want to be used, that is one of my fears whenever I make new friends. I will give this a month and see if we go back to meet or not
Remember, this stage is neccessary in order to move onto the next stage of your relationship! Most couples break up here, but if you follow some of the steps you can get through it ❤
Thank you...the power struggle stage is killing me... I'm almost giving up... forget the romantic side...as a friend there's so much miscommunication, misunderstanding and unmet needs that it's hard. I'm so emotional, it's driving me crazy while my Da is so unemotional, it's a gut punch.
Same. Ex da made it so hard to understand her. 5 months in and she started treating me like shit. Told her idk how I could handle anymore disrespect. But I still wanted to work it out. Offered to go to counseling and work on it together. And she bailed. Gave her everything
I'm in the same boat right now. She's pulled back to where I think I've lost her and have no clue where she's at with us. I told her I wouldn't give up and almost did. But that little light of hope drew me back
The phone example is relatable to me, my ex said we didn't talk enough on the phone thus she didn't feel like our connection was as strong as she would've liked. But I never knew it was that important to her while we weren't physically together. She said "It should JUST BE without trying. It either is or isnt" Thus in her mind, communicating this need, kind of felt like it was all orchestrated and not genuine to her. Has anyone else experienced something similar to this?
I can say from my experience of being in a relationship where this was an issue is that she seems like she might have been feeling like she wanted you to WANT to talk to her more. She might feel as if you do not want to talk to her as much because you have different values in prioritizing phone calls. For me, in this similar situation, I felt that because my partner didn't call me more often, he was not interested in me. Although this may have not been true, your ex partner wanted to feel desired by you. By her seeing that you are consistently initiating phone calls, it would have made her feel cared for, showing her you were thinking about her. But, she should have realized that stating her needs does not make it any less significant. It is taking more initiative to call her more after she stated her needs that would have shown you genuinely care. I hope that this makes sense!
@@Kiana-MichelleI'm the same with my partner saying I love you . It just feels like if he loved me he would say it and that me having to ask means its not genuine. I know that it's not true but it's hard to reassure myself sometimes.
@@rachhhh9722u can ask if there are other ways he can show his love for u. I read about someone whose husband has a hard time saying ilu (trauma or sth). So she said he cud squeeze her hand or some gesture (forgot), whenever he felt love for her. And she said after that, barely a moment passed without him giving her a squeeze/gesture
@rachhhh9722 I think as long as he is at least saying it here and there that is important. But if he never says it at all and you've been together for around a year, then that would be questionable.
Thank you so much for this video. I was just wishing I could learn more about how to successfully make it through this stage. I recently got out of a relationship with a DA who really panicked at this stage and I couldn't figure out why their response was so extreme.
Definitely check out her courses! They are terrific regarding what to do going forward. I'm currently going through the Fearful Avoidant course and a few others.
Hi Thais, please discuss how transition from power struggle to stability feels or looks like for different attachment styles. Like what are the markers? Thanks
Most helpful towards viable boundaries and establishing more meaningful relations instead of collecting failures IOW the pre-divorce period is the ideal moment for a mediation and a new modus vivendi instead of scrapping everything and starting the same mistakes all over again with a new person Impatient to read you on this subject
Thank you so much for sharing this with immense clarity.i can so identify with this in my current relationship. You're very good in this Thais.how I wish I could find an opportunity to speak to you, I feel you may be of help.
Unfortnuately, I am not doing one on ones, but if you join the school I conduct 2 dedicated liev Q&A's where you can ask any question. Come and try it out: university.personaldevelopmentschool.com/pages/14day-free-trial
Please please PLEASE share how long each phase, especially this phase, lasts based on attachment pairings. I think I could navigate this stage better if I just knew how long it would be. Many thanks 🙏🏽 ❤
I think it really depends on the individuals in the relationship and how able/willing they are to do the things necessary to address and resolve conflicts and communicate. It could last weeks/months or it could last decades.
She says in another video that some couple never leave the power struggle phase, even long term married ones. I’m guessing this is especially true with insecure attachment styles.
If each us working on healing Core Wounds and courageous communication, like Thais says, "Vulnerability, co-regulation," we don't have to get stuck in Power Struggle stage but me (FA) and him (DA) spent 4 of 6 years in Power struggle stage before breakup. It's the unfortunate statistic that this is the most common stage to break up in. 💔 My DA has not gotten out of power struggle stage with anyone since his early 20's and he's 50 now, awful stage!
I’m sorry, but I can’t help but chuckle every time that I hear Thais saying “Susan Johnson” when in truth it’s Susan Campbell. Gets me every time 😂😂. Other than that, thank you as always, Thais ❤
… As a German Biologist- there is a natural Authority and Ranking - that we experience instantly. By Nature. In our Domesticated conditioned Techno Sphere - nothing is natural. A Pretender, Impostor, Sadist, Psycho Path … can assume Masks and synthetic Identities - to impose himself on others. As we sense an instant discomfort and allergy against those Hijackers- the struggle begins. We defend our position and the other fights to gain control and Superirority Our Global Situation reflects this. There are far too many Hijackers in Powwer - who enslave their own people and program them to go to WAR - in a Self Titanick way… We never ever were in such a horrible BAD situation…
Hello Thais, thank you for all your extremely insightful content. I will be purchasing your book soon but I was wondering would you consider or are you planning to create a dating app that helps people find alignment based on attachment style pairings? I'm imagining that the attachment style test would be the primary component used when creating a dating profile and then the person's attachment style would be featured at the top of their profile. Based on the "feedback" I often see the comments about DAs, I imagine DAs may be looked over but maybe that will also allow people to at least know what they're getting into ahead of time. Does this seem viable?
Hi my partner doesnt know what how to express his needs bc I dont think he knows what they are so he thinks/says he doesnt have any. Maybe bc the idea of having needs and then expressing them makes him uncomfortable?? I dunno . This is stifling forward progress which I'm. He says he wants to come to the table and get on the same page but doesnt. I think hes FA and I think I'm DA. But he could be covert borderline, not sure. What can I do to help him discover his needs so he can expres them?
I feel weird leaving a comment that says to sign up to PDS so apologies in advance 😅I'm not employed there I promise, but I had (and am still struggling through) a similar thing to your partner and the "discover your personal needs" course has been so helpful for me. I did it a few weeks ago and I'm actually planning to go back through the workbook and re-evaluate now I've got to know myself better after repeating the exercises for a while. If he hasn't used a free-trial there yet, that might be a good thing for him to look at and a place to start from? There are a lot of courses and only having 2 weeks to begin can feel overwhelming. Hopefully they will make a youtube video about it too, but the courses are a *lot* more in depth, so if he's really stuck on knowing what his needs are at all it might be that he needs more than a 10 min summary video. That course, and the handbook for a better life (both in the FA course list) should be doable in 14 days I think. Repeating the exercises over time to get the benefit takes a lot longer, but you can do that after working through the course and don't need to maintain a subscription to use what you've learned. The handbook course covers some basic core-wounds reprogramming and the needs course can really help when you have no idea what needs to ask for, and like I said I think you can work through the videos and the the initial exercises to work out your needs in the free trial period, and the combination might be a good foundation for him. Figuring my needs out *and* working on the core wounds of feeling unsafe and feeling defective for having needs (among others, I have a lot of core wounds!) has made a big difference. If he's reluctant to try working on this maybe offering to go through the website with him to get him started and then leave him to go through the course himself might be helpful? But he might also feel pressured, it depends whether getting started and uncertainty about it is the problem, or whether he's resistant to the feeling of "not being good enough" when he's asked to work on himself so he's avoiding it. Just my thoughts, but I also want to say I know it can be so frustrating when you want your partner to communicate and they don't even know what to say. I'm sorry you're in that position.
@@TesriaT Thank you for your insight. He's so hard to approach without him being reactive. I know he's got a lot of core wounds. His childhood was a real mess where his role models and the behaviors that were praised was being a good thief and going to certain prisons. And wanting to achieve academic greatness or anything along the path of excellence on the straight and narrow was frowned upon and would be rejected. So there's a real struggle as he is not inclined towards doing things that result in positive growth if that makes any sense. It's hard to explain and navigating is very tough as I have a long way to go with my own journey and healing, although I have made a lot of progress but also been an ongoing process which I began over 20 years ago but I still have more work to do. Thank again for your response. Kind and Bright Regards ✨
I have so many questions about the power struggle stage between a fa female and a da male... When I express my needs I'm met with him saying he's not responsible for my needs, which I understand that ultimately my needs are my responsibility but he repels interdependency like oil and water.. can you help?
Hello Thais if you see this! I’m curious how you would go about the path of following in your footsteps to become a counselor specializing in attachment theory! I have a bachelors degree in an unrelated field (communications) and want to know where you would start! Thank you!
I run an Integrated Attachment theory coaching program that would give you an amazing baseline for what you are looking to do. If you want to set up a call with our IAT lteam lead and you can get more information and see if it's right for you here: calendly.com/info-pds/call-with-melanie-pds
![ILLSLICK - THE KING'S LANDING [Freestyle]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/feIJJnNkTfk/mqdefault.jpg)
Who is currently in the Power Struggle stage of their relationship? Let us know in the comments!
No relationship here currently, but so much enjoy listening to this great positive advice , understanding ,& information.
Some of these videos are mesmerizing , like I can feel it doing something to my brain or something.
I don't want to sound weird, I'm just describing my experience.
🌖☮️
I was in Power Struggle Stage for 4 years out of 6, FA-DA dynamic of course 😜
my new friendship feels like we are finishing the power struggle. I gave him the space the needed and trusted that it won´t be the end. It is different then before because I agreed to spent less time with him. But I don´t know if this is really a friendship in my eyes which makes me kinda sad, he doesn´t want to meet me anymore so i have to see if things change or not, I don´t know if I can call someone a friend who doesn´t like to visit me but otherwise meets his friends whenever he can. I´m a supportive person and don´t want to be used, that is one of my fears whenever I make new friends. I will give this a month and see if we go back to meet or not
I am,have been for a long time.I need to break out of it all.Its time.
I'm about 8 or 9 yrs into the power struggle phase. I am TIRED! Lol!
Remember, this stage is neccessary in order to move onto the next stage of your relationship! Most couples break up here, but if you follow some of the steps you can get through it ❤
0:59 Relationship Stages:
Dating, vetting, honeymoon, power struggle stage, stability, commitment and bless stages.
Is it Bliss or bless stage
Thank you...the power struggle stage is killing me... I'm almost giving up... forget the romantic side...as a friend there's so much miscommunication, misunderstanding and unmet needs that it's hard.
I'm so emotional, it's driving me crazy while my Da is so unemotional, it's a gut punch.
Same. Ex da made it so hard to understand her. 5 months in and she started treating me like shit. Told her idk how I could handle anymore disrespect. But I still wanted to work it out. Offered to go to counseling and work on it together. And she bailed. Gave her everything
@@Zimze08 how are you doing now?
I'm in the same boat right now. She's pulled back to where I think I've lost her and have no clue where she's at with us. I told her I wouldn't give up and almost did. But that little light of hope drew me back
Conflict resolution and negotiation skills are a much needed area of covering in future videos. Please, please, please consider this for the future.
❤
The phone example is relatable to me, my ex said we didn't talk enough on the phone thus she didn't feel like our connection was as strong as she would've liked. But I never knew it was that important to her while we weren't physically together. She said "It should JUST BE without trying. It either is or isnt" Thus in her mind, communicating this need, kind of felt like it was all orchestrated and not genuine to her. Has anyone else experienced something similar to this?
She sounds immature.
I can say from my experience of being in a relationship where this was an issue is that she seems like she might have been feeling like she wanted you to WANT to talk to her more. She might feel as if you do not want to talk to her as much because you have different values in prioritizing phone calls. For me, in this similar situation, I felt that because my partner didn't call me more often, he was not interested in me. Although this may have not been true, your ex partner wanted to feel desired by you. By her seeing that you are consistently initiating phone calls, it would have made her feel cared for, showing her you were thinking about her. But, she should have realized that stating her needs does not make it any less significant. It is taking more initiative to call her more after she stated her needs that would have shown you genuinely care. I hope that this makes sense!
@@Kiana-MichelleI'm the same with my partner saying I love you .
It just feels like if he loved me he would say it and that me having to ask means its not genuine. I know that it's not true but it's hard to reassure myself sometimes.
@@rachhhh9722u can ask if there are other ways he can show his love for u. I read about someone whose husband has a hard time saying ilu (trauma or sth).
So she said he cud squeeze her hand or some gesture (forgot), whenever he felt love for her. And she said after that, barely a moment passed without him giving her a squeeze/gesture
@rachhhh9722 I think as long as he is at least saying it here and there that is important. But if he never says it at all and you've been together for around a year, then that would be questionable.
I don't think I've gotten even to the honeymoon stage in the past decade. It feels like power struggle comes during vetting.
I completely agree
I am just over 60 years old and have never been in a relationship that has made it past. The power struggle stage, at least romantically.
A video about signs you arent going to be able to get past the power struggle stage with someone would be nice
I would like to see more videos about the power struggle phase :)
thanks for your suggestion :)
I agree, it seems like the most critical stage of relationship developmemt
Thank you so much for this video. I was just wishing I could learn more about how to successfully make it through this stage. I recently got out of a relationship with a DA who really panicked at this stage and I couldn't figure out why their response was so extreme.
Definitely check out her courses! They are terrific regarding what to do going forward. I'm currently going through the Fearful Avoidant course and a few others.
I love the explanation of the steps required to move through the power struggle stage!! and I love the example you shared!
❤
This video may have just saved my relationship
Hi Thais, please discuss how transition from power struggle to stability feels or looks like for different attachment styles. Like what are the markers?
Thanks
Most helpful towards viable boundaries and establishing more meaningful relations instead of collecting failures
IOW the pre-divorce period is the ideal moment for a mediation and a new modus vivendi instead of scrapping everything and starting the same mistakes all over again with a new person
Impatient to read you on this subject
Thanks
Thank you so much for sharing this with immense clarity.i can so identify with this in my current relationship. You're very good in this Thais.how I wish I could find an opportunity to speak to you, I feel you may be of help.
Unfortnuately, I am not doing one on ones, but if you join the school I conduct 2 dedicated liev Q&A's where you can ask any question. Come and try it out:
university.personaldevelopmentschool.com/pages/14day-free-trial
Sharing this with my partner. 😊
It was amazing and reassuring content!❤
❤
Please please PLEASE share how long each phase, especially this phase, lasts based on attachment pairings. I think I could navigate this stage better if I just knew how long it would be. Many thanks 🙏🏽 ❤
I think it really depends on the individuals in the relationship and how able/willing they are to do the things necessary to address and resolve conflicts and communicate. It could last weeks/months or it could last decades.
She says in another video that some couple never leave the power struggle phase, even long term married ones. I’m guessing this is especially true with insecure attachment styles.
If each us working on healing Core Wounds and courageous communication, like Thais says, "Vulnerability, co-regulation," we don't have to get stuck in Power Struggle stage but me (FA) and him (DA) spent 4 of 6 years in Power struggle stage before breakup. It's the unfortunate statistic that this is the most common stage to break up in. 💔 My DA has not gotten out of power struggle stage with anyone since his early 20's and he's 50 now, awful stage!
I’m sorry, but I can’t help but chuckle every time that I hear Thais saying “Susan Johnson” when in truth it’s Susan Campbell. Gets me every time 😂😂. Other than that, thank you as always, Thais ❤
There's a Dr Sue Johnson and Dr Susan Campbell getting combined :)
… As a German Biologist- there is a natural Authority and Ranking -
that we experience instantly.
By Nature.
In our Domesticated conditioned Techno Sphere -
nothing is natural.
A Pretender, Impostor, Sadist, Psycho Path …
can assume Masks and synthetic Identities -
to impose himself on others.
As we sense an instant discomfort and allergy against those Hijackers-
the struggle begins.
We defend our position
and the other fights to gain control and Superirority
Our Global Situation reflects this.
There are far too many Hijackers in Powwer -
who enslave their own people
and program them to go to WAR -
in a Self Titanick way…
We never ever were in such a horrible BAD situation…
Thank you, Thais & PDS! 🙏🏽
You're very welcome ❤
You’ve got a typo: “Irritated” opposed to “irratated” :)
Right at this stage 🙄🙄🙄 have to watch all the videos
How can you manage the Power Stage with a DA partner..?
here's to one day getting through the power struggle stage with someone some day...
Hello Thais, thank you for all your extremely insightful content. I will be purchasing your book soon but I was wondering would you consider or are you planning to create a dating app that helps people find alignment based on attachment style pairings? I'm imagining that the attachment style test would be the primary component used when creating a dating profile and then the person's attachment style would be featured at the top of their profile.
Based on the "feedback" I often see the comments about DAs, I imagine DAs may be looked over but maybe that will also allow people to at least know what they're getting into ahead of time.
Does this seem viable?
Best thing is to act naturally and if things are not respectful after a few months get on the bus, Gus.
so this is normal and happens to most couples
yes ❤
Thank you so much.
You're welcome!
Hi my partner doesnt know what how to express his needs bc I dont think he knows what they are so he thinks/says he doesnt have any. Maybe bc the idea of having needs and then expressing them makes him uncomfortable?? I dunno . This is stifling forward progress which I'm. He says he wants to come to the table and get on the same page but doesnt. I think hes FA and I think I'm DA. But he could be covert borderline, not sure. What can I do to help him discover his needs so he can expres them?
I feel weird leaving a comment that says to sign up to PDS so apologies in advance 😅I'm not employed there I promise, but I had (and am still struggling through) a similar thing to your partner and the "discover your personal needs" course has been so helpful for me. I did it a few weeks ago and I'm actually planning to go back through the workbook and re-evaluate now I've got to know myself better after repeating the exercises for a while. If he hasn't used a free-trial there yet, that might be a good thing for him to look at and a place to start from? There are a lot of courses and only having 2 weeks to begin can feel overwhelming. Hopefully they will make a youtube video about it too, but the courses are a *lot* more in depth, so if he's really stuck on knowing what his needs are at all it might be that he needs more than a 10 min summary video.
That course, and the handbook for a better life (both in the FA course list) should be doable in 14 days I think. Repeating the exercises over time to get the benefit takes a lot longer, but you can do that after working through the course and don't need to maintain a subscription to use what you've learned. The handbook course covers some basic core-wounds reprogramming and the needs course can really help when you have no idea what needs to ask for, and like I said I think you can work through the videos and the the initial exercises to work out your needs in the free trial period, and the combination might be a good foundation for him. Figuring my needs out *and* working on the core wounds of feeling unsafe and feeling defective for having needs (among others, I have a lot of core wounds!) has made a big difference.
If he's reluctant to try working on this maybe offering to go through the website with him to get him started and then leave him to go through the course himself might be helpful? But he might also feel pressured, it depends whether getting started and uncertainty about it is the problem, or whether he's resistant to the feeling of "not being good enough" when he's asked to work on himself so he's avoiding it.
Just my thoughts, but I also want to say I know it can be so frustrating when you want your partner to communicate and they don't even know what to say. I'm sorry you're in that position.
@@TesriaT Thank you for your insight. He's so hard to approach without him being reactive. I know he's got a lot of core wounds. His childhood was a real mess where his role models and the behaviors that were praised was being a good thief and going to certain prisons. And wanting to achieve academic greatness or anything along the path of excellence on the straight and narrow was frowned upon and would be rejected. So there's a real struggle as he is not inclined towards doing things that result in positive growth if that makes any sense. It's hard to explain and navigating is very tough as I have a long way to go with my own journey and healing, although I have made a lot of progress but also been an ongoing process which I began over 20 years ago but I still have more work to do. Thank again for your response. Kind and Bright Regards ✨
I have so many questions about the power struggle stage between a fa female and a da male... When I express my needs I'm met with him saying he's not responsible for my needs, which I understand that ultimately my needs are my responsibility but he repels interdependency like oil and water.. can you help?
What timeframe does the power struggle stage start in the relationship, Im at 3months and I feel like it's began?
It's different for each attachment style
Hello Thais if you see this! I’m curious how you would go about the path of following in your footsteps to become a counselor specializing in attachment theory! I have a bachelors degree in an unrelated field (communications) and want to know where you would start! Thank you!
I run an Integrated Attachment theory coaching program that would give you an amazing baseline for what you are looking to do.
If you want to set up a call with our IAT lteam lead and you can get more information and see if it's right for you here:
calendly.com/info-pds/call-with-melanie-pds
After years of this you have to realize they are not worth it and WHY are we holding on.
Oh my gosh exactly where I’m at with my connection. This video came just in time!!! Thank you!
You're welcome! ❤
There's no "power struggle". The woman is to be submissive to the man, end of story. Or get out of his life.
lmao
@@biyancuh ...100% fact.
I am in this stage right now and it is not fun.🫥