If you're autistic, what are some of your experiences, and what challenges have you faced? If you are an autistic woman, were you diagnosed late due to any of the reasons we shared? Tell us about your experiences in the comments so we can all learn more together about autism in women! ⤵
I'm a self diagnosed Audhd (I can't afford an official diagnosis yet). I just found out this year at age 27. One of the biggest issues I have is keeping a clean house. There's a lot of mental and societal pressure to keep it clean. When you feel like you're operating on low battery all the time, it can feel overwhelming. Then there's the added guilt and shame from the inside and outside. "Why not just knock it out and get it over with? It would only take you 30 minutes to do." 🫠 It's hard to explain to others why I can't. Especially when they say I'm just making excuses. Then, when the energy levels come back up, I quickly overspend it, burning out quicker, doing too many tasks, trying to prove to others that I am not lazy 😥 I'm super thankful for your videos. They're very funny and informative 😁 It's helped me to not feel so alone and to know that there are other people who are like me 😊
Sorry, but my biggest difficulty with being autistic and trying to get diagnosed at 30 is exactly this gendering of autism traits. These kind of videos dont help with the problem of very high masking autists, but just moved it to boys/men who are high masking, atleast in my experience. Yes woman fly under the radar autism wise, but do we really have to do that to men to, to make it fair or what? Stop gendering autism (and any applicable condition too), it does more harm than good. Just saying these are traits of high masking autists that may, or may not, be more prevalent in woman, but are not exclusive to them would go a long way. This alone made me feel aggressive just reading the title. I love your content, it is one of the best. It helped me a great deal and I am very grateful for that. But please stop with this, what I would already call misinformation, even if its meant in good faith. I hope I worded it not too aggressive and if yes I am sorry, but this is a pain point for me.
I’m currently undiagnosed but my 14 year old son has an official diagnosis. I relate to everything on this list. However, I do not experience meltdowns because my childhood in the 80s/90s taught me it is absolutely unacceptable for girls to have one. Now middle aged, my husband can attest to me just completely shutting down when overwhelmed. Sometimes I will go take an 8 hour nap. Screaming and crying in girls gets you labelled an over-dramatic pain in the a$$ (and could lead to a beating in the 80s). Shutting down is ignored because at least you’re quiet.
I am 41 and only now getting diagnosed, and something watching videos from people like Chris who actually have autism has taught me that in women a lot of time, meltdowns can actually be just massive crying fits when we're overwhelmed. In high school, I would come home and just crash on my bed for a couple hours; I used to think it was a heat thing (like summers were too hot) but I know now that was daily burnout. That is 100% my personal experience with meltdowns. When I burn out (which is a LOT the older I get), I just cry for days and I keep asking God WHY and I can't handle any sort of noise around me from even my pets who I normally love, and I have to shove headphones in my ear and listen to a song I know that will drown out every noise in my house. This usually happens every other month or so, but like I said the older I get, the more it happens, and I have pretty much been in a hardcore burnout for a year and a half now. Your 8-hour naps would definitely qualify, and any time you might have just felt the need to break down and cry.
YES ! same here, I am 44 and I got beaten by my mom a lot as girl. I didn't why but today I know that my autism was probably getting me in trouble because her own UNdiagnosed autism caused violent metldowns she took on me as soon as I got vocal about my needs.
Being quiet- yes I can relate to that, just sitting in the corner (as a child) reading quietly looked to them like I was being a "good girl", but actually, I'm now realising it was me shutting off when the world and my family environment became too much to handle.
I've watched so many "autism in women" videos searching if I really fit in with it (the questioning! the impostor syndrome!), but this is the first that really hits true and core to my experience as very high-masking in ways I've never thought of before. Thank you always so much for your content!
Same! I've been questioning my self-diagnosis a LOT lately, and so worried and embarrassed that my identification was wrong. This video has been so spot-on! Thank you Chris & Debbie. I feel heard and seen. (And that last little bit in the out-takes where you tap yourself on the forehead and tell yourself you're "stupid" is ME 100%!!)
From childhood, I was never able to control the intensity of my emotions. I cried easily and often. Both of my parents fussed at me about this. As I got older, this didn’t change unless I was in a happy, safe environment. I am highly sensitive and still easily cry. Textures have always bothered me, certain lights, sharp and loud noises, too many people talking at once. I masked through my adulthood, putting on the “proper” face in public, but as soon as I got home I would meltdown from the exhaustion of keeping up appearances. I have always needed a level of control in my life and if UN achievable, I would feel so helpless and despondent. This list could go on and on, but I hope what I wrote helps someone!
You are me! I experienced all of these too! My mother would get so mad at me because I would have empathy for anyone going thru tough times, or I'd always try to defend someone bc I didn't think it was fair to speak about someone behind their back. I HATE the feeling of tweed and heavy cotton, or anything around my neck. Socks suffocate me, bracelets choke my wrists, and turtlenecks should not even exist!! 🙆🏻♀️🙆🏻♀️ I'm 43, and my daughter got confirmed diagnosis in March of 2023 and ever since then I've been on my journey of figuring Me out because we are SO much a like. She is literally my carbon copy. She feels almost more like a twin of me than my daughter at times... Weird, I know. Thanks for sharing
@@yolandacastillo-newsome2697 Oh, did you also got in trouble because you defended someone who couldn't or didn't speak up for themselves? I went from being the awkward person in school that was left alone to the shunned person. I always knew that I would get in trouble for speaking up, but I couldn't not do it. It would have be wrong.
@@ruthbarrett8907 The need for a certain level of control is so exhausting 😥 A boyfriend once said that I needed my rituals around waking up and going to bed with him. And he was right. With a slight slip up it was like the whole world would shatter around me. But I found out something about my crying. I do it easily and especially the time after my self realization, that I'm an autist. I don't necessarily cry because I'm sad or upset. I cry when I got more emotions than I can handle at that time, like a overflowing cup 🤯 Maybe it's something that's absolutely clear to everyone, but I'm still mind blown about it, and stopped berating myself for being a cry baby😅
Love the way you explain things. It’s really helped sharing your videos with those in my life who don’t understand, me and/or ‘my explanations, when they ask about it.
That was so precise! Just being diagnosed 6 months ago and two years ago hitting 50 I got a clue the first time in my life. Thank you for acting female. Liked the background a lot. Unfortunately I was distracted by your intensely reflective stimmer and movements of your hands. As well as the clouds' quick popping up, introducing a new topic, although I like the design. Made it a little hard for me to watch & listen (I didn't want to miss your female acting). Again: brilliant content! Thanks a lot!
Everything you’ve touched on hits the right (wrong?) nerves. I grew up in an era where ASD was barely recognized. My parents responded in very negative ways, shaming me, blaming me, name-calling - ‘what could be easier than sitting around looking pretty’, was their reasoning. Glad I finally understand more about myself and my experiences.
I was born in 1980... There's no way my mother would have ever acknowledged a diagnosis for me even if it was recognized back then. She tells me, now, to not talk about it in front of my daughter and maybe she'll just forget she has it 😂😂😂 🙄🙄😳... That's not quite how it works 🤦🏻♀️
"Listening to the same music over and over and over" had me laughing because I mentioned to my psychologist during my assessment that it's not uncommon for me to listen to the same album or song for WEEKS on repeat. My Spotify Wrapped a few years ago showed one song was played for 18 hours straight in ONE DAY. And if I'm not listening to The Song? I'm humming it!
lol. My TH-cam history has huge chunks that repeat. I love the “loop” option. Sometimes you just have to listen to the same song all day or evening because it, as the kids say, slaps. Mostly I do that with electronic music because it’s repetitive without huge variations.
@deirdrestatham5730 Exactly! There will be a part of a song that scratches an itch in my brain at that point in time and I can't listen to anything else for days or weeks at a time.
Same. I listen to and sing the same songs many times a day, every day. I call it my therapy playlist. I can't handle being in the car or going out in public without it.
Hard Same - I will listen to the same songs the same albums that I have loved since I was a kid (that I have on tape cassette even cuz I was a kid in the 80s) I can and will enjoy listening to the same song enough times to really deeply ingrain it into my psyche so whenever I can't listen to the song I can still play it verbatim in my head. I do the same thing for certain movies or show series... Especially ones with catchy title music/theme songs lol It low key drives my partner a little nuts as he is ADHD and listening to the same song repetitively is painfully boring to him
Self-diagnosed in my early 50s after a long road, including many false flag diagnoses like anxiety, depression, and even BPD. These were all also self-diagnosed because doctors and therapists all seem to find me too charming to have anything really *wrong* with me due to rockstar level masking/chameleon abilities😎 But the toxic soup of US politics, a pandemic, and more than a few serious personal tragedies over the past decade has given me (body + spirit) an ultimatum about where my most fierce loyalties must lie: to Self or to Others. Damn it if I’m not simply Autist but an Autist Human, the latter of which does require at least a minimum level of social interaction and feeling of belonging. Alas, a monthly book club whose members appreciate the depth of research and thought I bring to the discussions seems to fit the bill relatively well at the moment. Love this channel👏🏼
" doctors and therapists all seem to find me too charming to have anything really wrong with me" yeah doctors seem to equate autism with "ugly weirdo" and therefore completely miss this diagnosis when a pretty woman enters their office. Style, clothing, fitness, make up and hair can ALSO be a special interest, just saying
Exactly. I remember telling one therapist that the better I *look*, the *worse* I feel. I described it as my armor against the world, but it actually put a wall between me and “my kind of people,” who typically choose to spend their time and money on more intellectual and spiritual pursuits. Hard to change when living in a society that tells you how lucky you are to be accepted by the Cool Kids, even as you recoil from their banality. I’m grateful for channels like this one who provide language to better explain myself, to others as well as to myself. Strong special interests indeed.
This is me. Newly dx at age 46 because of severe burnout. I was first dx with GAD and OCD in my 20s. Lots of therapi that did not help much. My meltdowns have always been internalized. When i shut down I can’t find my words. To speak becomes almost impossible.
Yes, I stop being able to form thoughts when I'm over my threshold. I can feel myself reaching it so I have to get away before it hits, or I start acting super awkward I think.
High masking until i randomly hit the emotional wall. Learning to recognize the edges of the abyss has been helpful. I regularly hit overwhelm especially when stressed. Late diagnosed Adhd, also suspected auDhd. I hate executive disfunction. 😖
Thanks, 🙏🏽 informative vid. I like that you showed examples. I’m in my 30’s & recently diagnosed. I masked my whole life & I think ADHD masked many of my symptoms too, I got diagnosed with that 6 years ago. I’m just grateful I got the Truth about everything now. It really sheds light on so much in my past. You really feel a true sense of self love, patience & compassion finally.
@@Wellness_Rose I was diagnosed as inattentive ADD a few years ago after my son was diagnosed with ADHD. I saw a lot of similarities. I knew he was autistic from when he was a baby but he didn’t get diagnosed until around 11. His physical therapists kept saying they couldn’t diagnose him when he was little but most babies don’t self-sooth by banging their heads on the couch all day. 🙄 As I learned more after his diagnosis it started to click that he gets it from me because several behaviours he has I also have but wasn’t aware they’re part of the spectrum. 🤣 I used to think I was just a “jumpy” person but the fact that we both scream at the same loud noises was a big clue. Haha (His dad/my husband plays guitar and whenever the amp would feedback you could hear us both scream wherever we were in the house. lol)
I didn’t get diagnosed until I was 37, despite testing into the severe severity in ASD for all categories but social communication, which was moderate severity. I had a childhood diagnosis of ADHD, dyscalculia, and dysgraphia. I had to drop out of high school due to not being able to handle it. I had meltdowns my entire life. Once I tried seeking help as an adult, I was diagnosed with BPD, bipolar, OCD, you name it, someone misdiagnosed me with it. Repetitive thinking, rigidity, emotional dysregulation, sensory issues, self-injury =personality disorder to the psychs I saw, completely due to gender bias and me appearing as a cute, masking girl. I went on disability at age 21. I took pills, did DBT, exposure therapy, all sorts of harmful treatments that never addressed the root cause of my functioning problems. Now I’m in college, in my 40’s, with the accommodations I always needed, working towards becoming a therapist.
When I finally discovered that I enjoyed reading books I was probably 7 and you could not stop me from reading - I'd have meltdowns if people took my books away and eventually my mom just gave up and let me read while doing everything always. I needed books for escaping for calming down for learning how people behave in all sorts of situations for learning skills for expanding my vocabulary for trying to figure out relationships and just for learning in general. I love books so much. Really any kind of story telling is great to me but books hit different.
I'm often haunted by the memory of learning that other girls sometimes said mean things "for fun" and to make others laugh. So I made fun of a friend because she didn't have internet in the early 2000s. I MADE OF FUN OF HER FOR BEING POOR AND THEN I DIDN'T UNDERSTAND WHY SHE DIDN'T WANT TO TALK TO ME 😢
I was the awkward girl that would get stared at when I was asked to accompany another girl or group to the bathroom and would always decline. I had NO IDEA they were going to go gossip and check each other’s makeup. I thought maybe they all had urination schedules that lined up so they all had to pee at the same time. I didn’t want anyone else to listen to me pee. 😂
Thanks for this. Most of my autistic friends are of the "fella" variety and it's not always easy to communicate to them why my flavor of autism is so different than theirs. I've had different expectations for my behavior and different consequences for when I don't "human correctly".
I did that for you!!! 🤩 Had to go to great lengths for this one because none of my autistic lady friends were ready for their TH-cam debut 😊 glad you appreciate it!!
Wife and I each have our own blanket and the biggest bed we could find. That being said, her snoring has sent me to our spare bedroom more than once...
After one year together we both agreed to live/ sleep separately, but we manage plenty of cuddle/sexy time before we are too exhausted and wind down each on our own.
Love the realization. :) When I started looking into autism months ago I was struck when I heard about toe walking as a trait. I don't toe walk anymore but did as a child. Wait, THAT was it? Self awareness and understanding.
About special interests...Maybe it gets dismissed in the girls. But apparently if a grown woman likes cats just a bit too much, there IS a social stigma...according to certain people. There does seem to be a lot of autistic women who have a thing for cats. Personally, for me, I identify with them. And sensory wise, they are extremely pleasing. Whereas dogs can sometimes be loud and smelly and rough and slobbering. I feel like cats and I are on the same wavelength. And we both don't enjoy loud noises and abrasive people.
I was "gifted" and "awkward" my whole life and even though I'm male I am queer as well and I think often us queer folks guys can fly under the radar in the same way girls do. Of course this is just my experience but I've known a few more AuDHD guy guys and for the most part are undiagnosed because of our special interests and inherent "otherness" already present.
I'm an enby. I think that being autistic is specifically what makes it hard for me to fit into the "female" box. As soon as I saw the word autigender I said, yeeesss! I often wonder how others can be so certain that they are cis and straight, cuz I'm not. It annoys me to live in a culture that enforces a binary on everybody.
This is interesting bc when speacking of woman and autism, I had this insight that there must be more males having the feminine kind of autism. I know one guy who is, though he does not represent very feminine, he is quite a male fysique but still shows more feminine kind of autism. Since the, I started to call it externalized and internalized autism, to let the gender not take all the main score.
Spot on sir. I'm still not diagnosed as Autistic. I was once as an adult diagnosed as Bipolar, but I knew people who were Bipolar, and i knew i wasn't, so i refused the meds the doctor wanted to put me on. Now I'm old, I'm a grandmother, so i don't need one. As a child, i was labeled emotionally disturbed. I was in my 30's when at a friend's house, i noticed a medical book with disorders from a to z. Of course i had to read it. I got to Autism. When i was finished reading it i started to cry, it was me, i also realized it was my youngest child. I did have him tested. I'm glad i did, his school was able to use his diagnosis to help with his education.
Hi Chris (and Debby) I was wondering if you guys could look into making a video regarding women who were initially diagnosed with BPD (Borderline) only to end up with ADHD and Autism. It seems much more common and is rarely spoken about. I've been going through it as have several of my female friends.
This almost makes me feel better for not being diagnosed til my sixties (not really). People who aren't autistic learn pretty much all of their behaviors based on the behavior modeled by others. In other words, everyone learns by what they see as a baby, child, etc.. The autistic person may be working harder to exhibit those behaviors. The concept of masking, which is new to me, suggests a deceptiveness or an unwillingness to reveal one's true self. I simply think the term wasn't thought of by an autistic person . Likely it came from a masters or doctoral candidate making a name for themself or a pop writer like Gladwell.
I think the biggest difference is when I was a child and stimmed or got upset when I was interrupted or spent time focused on one interest or didn’t want to socialize much… I got in trouble. I learned from a young age that my natural autistic behaviors were ‘wrong’. So I learned to hide them. That behavior is called masking and it’s the story of many late-diagnosed autistics. It’s more than just learning behavior by watching others.
I agree, in that I was always in trouble for what I now know was an autism, sensory processing and auditory issue. I can see it from a distance now, but I was in a very conservative, family and community. And especially for girls, there was the" good girl " motivation. That is probably why I am more sensitive to the labels that are used.
Some people like to call it camouflaging instead. I like it better because I am not completely hiding myself or being ingenuous, I’m just adapting to my surroundings as best as I can
@@ChrisandDebbyYeah. Learning to mimic other’s behaviour or hide your own natural tendencies is a survival technique to avoid being ridiculed or yelled at or punished. No one wants to be shamed for being themselves so you learn to curl your toes inside your shoes so people stop telling you “that thing” you’re doing is annoying.
Hello there! Your ongoing internet follower here with an update to my story that fits in with today's episode. I'll say outright: I'm transgender, born female. I'll skip the surgery stuff and hormone stuff here. I finally had my ADHD/autism screening results come back: I don't have ADHD or TBI according to the DSM-5. That's all good, but when I asked about autism, they told me they couldn't tell if I was because of all the trauma I suffered growing up, or my depression and anxiety acting up. If I felt that identifying as autistic fit my personality, I probably am. 🤷 I'm so confused. 🤦 I would really like more clarification on that from anyone out there who might know? There has to be something, somewhere that can find out why all the stuff you cover here is ringing true to my tendencies? Links to legitimate testing I could take? I don't know. I feel like my who life has been a huge "maybe it is, maybe it isn't, we can't tell for sure because _____." I've been called weird and oversensitive my whole life, I see things here that make me feel at home and understood, but is that an answer? I know a legitimate diagnosis doesn't change anything, but it would help me go down the right path through my overall treatment and skill sets to try/learn. Interesting about the food part, I've been told I have an "automatic food reject button" by my friends who have seen it happen! Food textures especially. Literally gag on it or yuck it back out before I even chew it. Sleep- I just live alone. I've tried living with other people, not even an option. Even my cat can be a trigger sometimes. He'll twitch or have a bad dream and I'll jolt out of bed and be exhausted the whole day. Stimming: mine seems to be skin picking, rubbing my face/head, the more anxious I get, the worse it gets. I used to love ripping out my hair and wrapping it around my thumb to suck on because I loved the texture of it. I wasn't allowed to have friends or be social, so locking myself in my room for days wasn't really an issue because then I "wasn't being a pain in the hind end" If you read my whole comment, thank you. It was a rant and a ramble all at the same time 🫣😵💫 My heart goes out to all of you 🫶
Hi, I just wanted to say that I read your comment! I also want you to hear this: a self diagnosis is completely valid. You've clearly been doing a lot of reading about the topic, and if you identify with the community and feel like it helps you understand yourself better, that's enough. There are lots of reasons that people can't get an official diagnosis. Financial barriers, the ridiculous lack of professionals actually knowledgeable about diagnosing high masking individuals, outdated stereotypes...you name it. The website Embrace Autism has a lot of assessments you can do, if that's what you're into. There is also a documented overlap between transgender and autism (transgender individuals are like twice as likely to be autistic...but check that stat, I don't know the source of hand). And finally, you might want to read the book called Unmasking Autism by Devon Price. He is also transgender (and a psychology PhD). I can't say it's 100% great because I never finished it, which isn't a reflection of the book...I just hate reading books lol.
I second the recommendation for Unmasking Autism @saracousins2387 You may want to also check out Pete Walker’s book on Complex PTSD, which many of us have developed as a result of living in a world not made for us. This book has helped me as a try and tease out what is due to autism and what is straight up trauma response.
Seconding that self diagnosis is absolutely valid and the recommendation for the Embrace Autism website. I had a hard time accepting self diagnosis for myself, even though the evidence is overwhelming. The thing that helped me was treating it as kind of an experiment. I started learning how other autistic adults accommodate themselves and testing out the ones that resonated with me. They have helped tremendously! I also have CPTSD and have been in therapy for that for years. It hasn't helped as much as I or my therapist thought it should. Seeing that adding these accommodations helps resolve issues that therapy didn't makes me feel more confident in my self diagnosis. It's also made it easier to start figuring out which pieces are trauma and which are autism. For example, I now know that I have both meltdowns and flashbacks and that different strategies are necessary for each. I feel I spent a lot of time trying to "fix" my autism because I thought it was a manifestation of trauma. But it didn't need fixed, just supported. I think you deserve the chance to give yourself the support you need and you don't have to have an iron clad diagnosis to do that. I hope you find what you need to feel better and enjoy life!
@@sarahcousins2387 Thank you for the info and your kind words, I appreciate them 😊 I'll have to look up some of these things for sure! I don't really need an official diagnosis, just a better explanation and less muddled road to travel 🫣
@@rainbowconnected Thank you for the support, I'm amazed at how much of the things that are listed to help autism meltdowns have helped me already, just from the 3 or 4 months I've been following this channel. If only I could get my peeps IRL on board to realize I'm trying to change and not just be "a pain in their hind end" as they like to put it 🫠 I'm happy to have found a community who is supportive of my efforts and questions. Thank you! 🫶
when I was about 15 a special class was held in my high school in social studies. Every aspect of the class was unexpected and I was unprepared for it. When I entered, there were almost 50 students in a room too small, and a class size more than twice larger than normal . I have an auditory processing disorder and autism and neither had yet been diagnosed. I did not know what a sensory processing disorder was. within minutes, I must have had a shut down. I do not remember it. After class, when asked by another student about it, I said i must have been day dreaming. But, I looked at the notes I was taking in class.over a full page, my penmanship deteriorated, I no longer was on the lines but drifting down, until no legible shapes were made.
Oh man… you should have seen the look on the guys face at the store where I bought them. He asked what they were for and I told him a video my wife and I are making. Only when I got to the car did I realize he looked at me crazy because he probably thought I was making an adult film 😂😂😂
Don't forget longer processing time. I ended up getting called things like "Dingy Debbie". And there were dumb blonde jokes too. I would miss pieces in group conversations because they would go too fast. Even though I was actually very intelligent, taking a little longer to process and laugh at jokes was noticeable. Eventually I learned to watch everyone else and just play along although I was lost. Also, autistic women het sexually assaulted at higher rates. It took me too long to process what was happening socially, and I ended up in a vulnerable situation that I never expected. Predators also pick up on when a girl is not processing the situation quickly enough. So the prey on that vulnerability. Plus, autistic women can be too trusting and naive. Struggling socially causes excess loneliness and desperation at well. And when too frustrated with failures, social compromises are often made, causing us to be taken advantage of by all kinds of people. Our society teaches us that if a girl is pretty and quiet, she can still get a date. That's a recipe for disaster with high masking autistic women. And it often results in ending up in abusive relationships.
The more I learn about autism to understand and help my son, I also understand that I am myself autistic as well. No, at least I can understand why i am as i am and why I feel what I feel. Gets worse when my husband has his "moon cycle" and throws his bad mood on my head, where I am already keeping my sons meltdowns, his routine, and important things he needs to unwind, +my teen daughter emotional problems that I have to help soften a bit, and + my emotions after being social every day 5 days a week and no space to hide and having people around who doesn't care......... i love my family and luckily my kids are very respectful to each other's feelings and we work well together. How to teach my husband the same? I am so tired to hear this question almost every day "Why are you so moody, is it PMS again?" Yessss, because i am so special and have pms 30 days per month 😂😂😂😂😂 and it is absolutely not because after 18 years you (my lovely hubby) can't remember where to put forks and where are spoons 😂
Looking back on my life now in the light of Autism mixed with ADD. I know my mom thought I would never learn to tie my shoes, tell time and write in cursive! Took forever but today I am proud to say I have those skills mastered. Now if I could just stop the squirrels in my head.
The more I learn about autism in girls and women, the more my heart aches for friends and acquaintances who may never realize they’re living with autism or AuDHD. Many of them struggle with anxiety, depression, and self-loathing, unaware of the underlying cause. I’ve been there, and I see it in them. But I know there’s only so much I can do or say to encourage them to explore whether neurodivergence might resonate with their experience. I just know that I am finally at peace with myself. And I want this for them.
I felt so understood by this video. I get the feeling nobody understands my troubles, they just brush them off or think I am a drama queen. Sometimes I think I am just a stupid, hysterical psychopath. It was very comforting for me to be diagnosed as autistic, which explains everything I struggle with. And may I ask what that pink thingie in your hand is? I was fascinated by it. Is it squishy? I would love to have on, I always need something to play with like pens or such (maybe a kind of stimming, dont know😅)
Thank you... I don't know if i am autistic or have adhd... but i feel seen and loved with your videos and want to thank you and Debby so very very much
Before we knew I had autism my husband thought I just really liked to research lmao. He didn't know I was deep diving into special interests. He wanted to get into the stock market and asked if I wanted to research it for him. Yeah... no thank you lol. No interest in that lol.
Diaagnosed at age 70... 71 now. I would add that my love language is 'information sharing. Also, I was tested in 2nd grade due to isolating behaviors, and the results came back that I am gifted... circa 1960 :P Professionally, I was a Jungian therapist and meditation teacher before retiring==perfect mask 🤪' And, while some professionals say those of us who have gone so long without diagnosis/support are 'feral', I prefer 'wild' 😁
Ha! I quite like 'feral'. I'm 47 and waiting to be assessed. When you're not identified as, you just spend your whole life trying to work yourself out. I went as far as training as a therapist and after years of working as an interpreter (intercultural bridges!) I am now a therapist myself. My old mother is probably also an undiagnosed person. And her sister. I'm a bit sad for them because they have no idea for now. I'm getting diagnosed and perhaps it'll make her wonder. But it's her journey.
Regarding the food... It's known that autism increases chances of digestive issues. I started having GI problems back in college...I'm 54, and they are only worse. And..on co-occuring...emerging understanding is that many of us have ADD or ADHD... I had a suspicion about the ADD too, and the diagnosticion detected it during the autism diagnosis. As you know, that doesn't NOT help us follow and focus on group conversations. Sensory issues in a public places compound that. Oh...and my dating options are quite narrow due to sensory issues and narrow interests. If a guy wants to go to sporting events, that is a deal breaker!
Father and I spent today at an intro bonsai class. I spotted at least one other neuroatypical human right away, male. I believe an older female teacher later also fit this category. And then a few others. Think about bonsai for a minute. I think “difference” rates have to be at about 80% of serious enthusiasts. Anyway. I’d say me and my father are affected about the same in degree of intensity, if estimating that makes any sense. We both were there to learn the same material, learn the same tasks, produce the same tree at the same beginner level. Who was constantly engaged in negative corrective feedback? Who was not left alone to work without interruption? Who was expected to do all the socializing for silent father? I was wearing orange light blocking glasses. Doesn’t that scream weirdo (said with love and pride)? Nope. I was constantly forced to perform socially for 5 hours because (mostly male) strangers who themselves were probably half on the spectrum saw it as my job. All I wanted was to think about my tree. I loathe loathe loathe talking to people I don’t know. But I did it. I did it maybe superbly. I am an attorney. I am hyperlexic. I was a psychoanalystic therapist before I realized the feeling I could die from being looked at all day was real. I KNOW how to talk to people. I have never had any choice. I hate it. Understand differences between men and women may also be brain differences but THEY ARE ALWAYS ALREADY MISOGYNY. You get extra points if you know the phrase “always already” BTW.
Thank you so much! Feeling validated and RECOGNIZED. I am a survivor of child sexual abuse,and my excellent therapist opined that my autism made me a perfect victim- I was already a "weird " child who lived in books and my own imagination . I'm curious if there are any stats about autism/ child sexual abuse. Finally,thank you so much for making these videos
It's 6am now, the live chat has ended 9.5 hours ago and I'm still obsessing with the idea of a hotel that caters to autistic people 😍 And because it will take so long until the idea comes to life, I have built one in my head. It has got plenty of stimmy chairs like rocking chairs, swing chairs, some that spin and hanging chairs that make you feel like being in a cocoon and are great for reading. Heated floors for the colder seasons, so you can still just wear socks and walk around on your toes. Also there's a fireplace and a shrimp tank. In a separate room, because it needs better lighting, is a puzzle space. No loud talking or loud music allowed in there. Guests, that permanently live there would be a handful of cats and chickens (I love their dinosaur feet) that also can provide some organic eggs. Also there are some nice plants. Some of those would have a nice smell like wax flowers, but they would be in a place that also be avoided, for those who can't cope with smells. Oh, and very important, the rooms would have nice toilets for extended diarrhea sessions 😅
I think part of the restrictive food issue is also that being skinny is important for girls, therefor being skinny is one way we can fit in better since we can't do all this other stuff that would make us acceptable. And then we turn our hyperfocus on learning about and then implementing best strategies for achieving it. I didn't go this way but my sister did. She's in her 60s and still struggles with it. Once again I am floored by how accurate your vids are. "Difficult," and "overreacting," stand out for me but all the points you made were accurate. My family and the kids and teachers at school made so much fun of my stims I stopped out of pure mortification. I hate to be perceived and it was only drawing attention to me. I cannot sleep near others and when I finally put my foot down for having a separate bedroom it was such a breakthrough for my mental AND physical health. Not that I sleep well now, but at least I'm not laying their seething at someone else's perfectly normal behavior all night. Haha for my high school graduation picture quote I wrote something about having gone through life learning to mimic everyone else to survive. *obvious* I can't convey how much I hate showers. I hate the water on my face, I hate being blind without my glasses, I hate the sharp sting of water on my skin, and I hate the tickly feeling when it's running down me. I hate the eczema flare up from the shampoo and conditioner even though I buy unscented un-everything super inoffensive products. I hate forgetting the order in which I'm supposed to do everything for it simply because I'm too aggravated to think straight. I hate my long wet hair touching me after as I'm trying to dry and get dressed and I hate the feeling on my fingers of touching it to move it out of the way. I do LOVE the feeling of rubbing the shyte out of my face with a wet facecloth though, that is so enjoyable. It is such a mental and emotional effort to force myself in there and some days I just can't make myself do it, no matter how much I need to. I do try to have that be the ONLY mentally exhausting thing I do in a morning but some days it's so overwhelming that having the shower so I can go to the job means I can't actually go to the job. Or I'll be unable to get in there for days and miss a whole week of work. It's hard staying employed.
If you asked me how I got my diagnosis, you would have found my traits similar to yours. However, with me it left me really susceptible to men with bad intentions. I always have had an attitude that came with halving an unique real life name. I have only met two other women with the name and one was a character in a book. I can speak in a monotone when asked to describe something. I have very poor eye contact. I had an attitude that if you did not like me, even though when I was younger it hurt, I had no use for you. I have had no best friend from early childhood. I would see my sister act in certain ways, and just say that is illogical and stupid and I will not do that. I learned to mask after high school, when I wanted my first study job as a math tutor. I had to learn to approach people. Then I worked at my tribal casino in Sales no less, and I had to definitively learn to try to sale something. The moral of trying to sell something to people went against my morals, and I soon quit that job. Besides the panic attacks, meltdowns, and sleeping every chance I got. Just working in an environment where everyone had a dagger in their boot to backstab you at any moment. Especially if you were a tribal member, and they thought you wanted their job. Why do your videos make me share too much? My interests in childhood were our pets, hot wheels, and then Winnie-the-Pooh, followed closely by Star Wars. In my 20s, I could recite every line in Episode IV, The Empire Strikes Back. Though as a teen, I was totally obsessed with Duran Duran, like many people are obsessed with Taylor Swift today. Then I got hooked into Hitchcock and computer games. Without the latter, I would probably be single, because I met my husband on a text based game.
First, I want to say that i Totally LOVE your channel!!!❤ Second, you pin point pretty much everything about me, Yet im still undiagnosed (still waiting for doing the test) - But self diagnosed! (high functioning/ masking Aspergers) One thing I think about Often is.. Ive always had That specific intrest through out my entire life, but it have changed the older im getting. My first solid intrest was horses, I had a tapestry of posters, paper clips etc all over my childhood room. It later changed to certain music artists in early teens, books (specificly factbooks in a certain area, encyclopedias, phonebooks etc) and the older I got, intrests have changed. Is this really common?
Thank you for these videos. 💜 I'm 36 years old, and I have always felt like I was autistic. However, I masked so well as a child that I was always dismissed by everyone I confided in about possibly being diagnosed. I think I was only vocal about my auditory sensory issues, and everyone just thought I was being dramatic. Just not super motivated to do tasks, with a bit of anxiety. Internally I hid a LOT of other autism traits. But because it was subtle, or just manifested in my head instead of with my body... my struggles were never witnessed. I was told I was normal, just a bit lazy, a procrastinator, a dreamer, a quiet child. I struggled for 36 years of being dismissed constantly, and people accusing me of being lazy and dramatic. Now at age 36, my therapist thinks I might be both Autistic and have ADHD as well. She's looking into finding a way for me to get diagnosed without having to pay a fortune to get assessed. Personally, I think finally getting the diagnoses will feel so validating. I'm looking forward to finally understanding more about myself. Being so isolated in my struggles all my life has been so overwhelming. I want to just be me for once, instead of trying so hard to be what other told me to be.
My sister complains about EVERYTHING! I can't do anything to please her. She doesn't like the fact that I want my clothes to be loose and I want to eat salads and don't like wine. I want to stay home not go out and be the center of attention, little narcissist that she is. BUT of course she is not a narcissist and I am not autistic. Except when she wants other people to feel sorry for her, for having a sister . . . well like, you know well like THAT. I live alone, own my house, no mortgage, actually have a bank account and a retirement fund. All of which she dose not have, parting really takes it out of your finances. Oh, did I mention, she is a psychiatric nurse?
Idem here. I'm pretty sure my mum is autistic (realisation that helps me understand her better). I don't think my father is tho, even if autism and antisocial traits can co-occur. Autistic people and especially women are at a higher risk of finding themselves in abusive relationships, because they can be a bit naive or not see red flags or have low self esteem.
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!! I sent this video to my mom and sister and told them I fairly certain you made this video specifically about me! It's such a relief to finally have a clear answer and understanding of nearly all of the struggles I've had in my life since I was a young girl. I appreciate your work so much! Thank you!!
I'd imagine they're very related. Autistic people are much more likely to develop PTSD or CPTSD for many reasons. Plus there's a lot of overlap in symptoms. There are some differences though and definitely different strategies are necessary for addressing them. I wish people talked about this more. I didn't realize I was autistic for so long because I thought it was just CPTSD. I'm sure many others have similar experiences.
I was recently diagnosed with ASD and I've been learning about a lot of this stuff for myself. I decided to click on this video to see what the differences might be in women, and was very surprised at how many of these qualities fit with my girlfriend. She has anxiety, depression, migraines and constant fatigue and is particularly picky about food and clothing for reasons related to texture and feel. I love her very much and do my best to make sure to be attentive to these things. She often shuts down when overwhelmed, and overanalyzes many social situations, often "managing" others social interactions. What are some strategies I can use to help make her life better and be a better partner if we are both ASD?
Thank you. I really needed to hear that!!! I've been diagnosed wrongly with both: Bipolar and Borderline PD. Made me cry because I so don't fit either. These are a complete misrepresentation of my being... Doctors picked out a diagnosis of their choice based on very few inexplicable similar traits I have that can be found as traits of those Disorders in the DSM but ignore the complete absense of other main traits and misuse these diagnosis to hide that they don't know what it is because they refuse to check for Autism as I am a high-masking female. And they just can't see it... Now my doctors finally, after decades of seeking help, include a suspected diagnosis of Autism (age 50) in my records but still list BPD... I can't even find words to describe my grief and anger!
I see your story, hear you and will carry some of your grief for you. Your doctors most likely don’t have any training on autism to even be able to make an informed differential diagnosis. I had to start seeing a new, young doctor when my old doctor left. I explained in exasperation my symptoms and the failed treatments I had, and brought my partner with me for support. She told me it sounded like autistic meltdowns and referred me to see a neuropsych. I was diagnosed at 37. I had been desperately seeking help through the mental health system for decades. I’m sorry you had to wait so long for your diagnosis and that they still don’t fully believe you.
THANK YOU. This is now my go to video to send to friends and family to understand what’s up with me. I am recently diagnosed and have struggled and hid all of this my entire life. I am now learning how to articulate the experience, but it’s a challenge. Having someone else say it for me is SO amazing. Thank you!!!
Can relate to all of this. Just told the other day that, even though I have secured a new appointment with a different Psychiatrist, they are not qualified to assess either ADHD or Autism. I am in Sydney, Australia, the only qualified Psychiatrist I found has a wait list of many years, and only treats children. Apparently in Australia an adult doesn't have Autism, unless diagnosed as a child. So I may be stuck with the BPD label. 😢
Check out Psychologists as well . There are some practices that are qualified to diagnose Neurological disorders such as ASD and ADHD. They may be Neuropsychologists but that is how I was diagnosed 18 months ago in Brisbane.
Also Australian, but in a different state! See if you can find a GP who specialises in dealing with neurodiversity and mental health. I managed to get an appointment with one, and my diagnosis was fast-tracked due to age and how it was affecting my whole life. It's hard when professionals just shut you down, and tell you those avenues to diagnosis are closed off for you, without taking the time to see if there are other solutions. I wish you better luck in the future.
“Dramatic.” “Overreacting.” “Upset over nothing.” “Being ridiculous.” Those are things I heard all the time as a kid, and still sometimes do now. I didn’t know how to describe what was going on in my body, and I felt powerless to stop it, causing more problems the harder I tried. Then I saw “Frozen”, and the phrases “conceal, don’t feel,” and “the storm inside” really resonated. This video is another validating report on that storm.
It's not strictly male of female presentations, it's more of a tendency. Some men present more like this, and some women have a more stereotypically boyish presentation.
An idea for you to consider: I wonder if the high masking in either gender comes from society and parents often having higher expectations for girls and afabs. Boys and amabs are often better tolerated - "boys will be boys" - unless they aren't, and then those boys become higher masking. I think that's my spouse. He's higher masking than me, an afab. Or maybe I've had more accumulated trauma. My parents could not regulate their own emotions and from an early age I was forced to accomodate their needs for my own safety. I think extra trauma is why it's harder for me to mask. It has been harder and harder for me to mask as I've aged and accrued more trauma. Those two forces: the expectations that others have of the person, plus trauma load, plus perhaps other factors that I haven't considered could be why some of us are relatively higher or lower masking. I also need to define trauma: Trauma is not the event itself, it is in the way that the nervous system becomes further dysregulated because of the event, especially if it is many tiny events over time. That is the definition of complex trauma.
Interesting but things like being late for appointments could apply to anyone surely? And my Dad and a couple of people I know are/were obcessed with being "on time" aka "early", to everyone else 😂
I also have issues with time blindness and a huge range of other executive functioning challenges - led me to overcompensate by being obscenely early and also doing very little earlier in the day leading up to things because I couldn’t figure out all the details
Diagnosed at 60. How do you know me so well?! I’d love for my family to finally understand me but at this point they don’t want to hear it or just don’t care. It’s just a fact that I’m not that important and am at the bottom of their life concerns. My instinct tells me some of them would rather s**t whisper about me instead. Sadly, it’s the life I’m now used to.
I am in my 50’s. There are others in my family that have a diagnosis of Autism. I never thought about my struggles as being autistic until a coworker asked me questions about how I deal with it. She has an autistic family member- she just assumed I was autistic because she saw similar behaviors in me. It sent me down the rabbit hole of analyzing my life and researching- including watching videos like this. When I was young it was never heard of, never talked about. Looking back there are so many things that are glaringly obvious now. I hid things from everyone because I felt out of place, not “normal “. Too many to list actually. But I don’t know where to go from here.
I bet you had so much fun doing the girl/woman scenes for this video. 😂 It's a good one though. And very useful. I shy away from male/female autism presentation because it excludes some of us in the LGBTQ+ community, but obviously, your video is not stating that other genders can't experience these traits or difficulties. Just that autistic women often struggle in this way or go undiagnosed because of it. Hmmm, maybe a comment at the top to correct for the fact that this way of showing or dealing with autism can also be the case for cismen and lgbtq+ sometimes? ❤
I love how Chris (and Debby) always seem to get this right! Late diagnosed earlier this year actually (I was 42, turned 43 in August) and watching this just completely validated both my childhood and adult experiences. I’m STILL told I’m “too emotional” or “intense”. And there’s no grace in the world for autistic adults. As an adult, the world expects you to have your sh*t together and “stop using ‘autism’ as an excuse”. Which leads right back to the faking normalcy cycle and routine exhaustion. Then add any mental health or chronic illness crap you got going on and it’s a recipe for straight burnout. Geez!
Meg on the "I'm Autistic, Now What?" channel just did a video on gendering autism in response to Reddit posts and TikTok videos claiming that women can't be autistic. She makes a point that there are nonbinary and trans autistic people, too. I wonder how the spectrum of autism and the gender spectrum intertwine?
I personally think that this type of Autism isn't necessarily only in women/ girls but just more prevalent in them. I think it should be classified as internalized Autism with social impetus. Because men/boys don't often have the same drive/conditioning to "fit in socially" or want the larger social groups that women/girls sometimes want. For example a lot of my amab (assigned male at birth) have attitudes of "f*** society" or society should conform to them rather than they conform to society.
I just started watching your content and it has been so validating. I don’t have a diagnosis yet but I am scheduled for testing in February 2025 (long waitlist) I am 47 years old and life has always just felt like it’s harder than it should be. A diagnosis won’t really change anything but understanding myself and allowing myself to accept things as they are and learning the correct coping mechanisms certainly will. Thank you
I LOL’d so much through this video, thank you for making it 💖I’m sending to my husband hoping it may help him decode my outward behaviors and help him understand what I’ve been internalizing…with love and gratitude from a 42 year old late (almost diagnosed) AuDHD mom (with periwinkle lavender hair 😂) of diagnosed autistic (and very likely AuDHD) 5year old.
Great video, thanks! Very relatable! I also enjoy the humor a lot! I was quiet and shy, so I internalized a LOT (stress, social anxiety, home troubles) when I was a kid (girl, I'm now upper middle-aged). I was often in various stages of shutdown, which instead of being noticed/helped by teachers, I received many Good Behavior awards! Ugh! I didn't mask too well or try to fit in with other girls. I sometimes made some friends, which didn't last long, as I was "boring", and often I wanted to be alone or stay out of the hot sun and so I often spent lunch recesses in the bathroom foyer = weird, lol. As I became an adult, I learned to present myself a bit more normally. Now that I'm older, I don't care about that much at all, thankfully, ha! The only time my dad became angry with me was because of my stimming, i.e. rocking; early on, he made it very clear that he never wanted me to do that, ever. I've let myself rock (privately) as an older adult and it (and other stims) really helps so much to release stress and to focus. My special interests as a kid were mainly singing (privately in my room) and celebrity interests, which nobody knew about, lol, I was too embarrassed to talk to most people about anything, especially things like that. Around 13 years of age, I became obsessive about executive functioning issues and routine, as I was very conscientious to ensure "everything got done properly" and I had to learn adulting due to family issues/lack of parental guidance. I also started having more sleep issues around that time. I'm a sensitive sleeper, I need my space while sleeping!
Sleep issues - dang that hit hard. I have never slept great - I am a very light sleeper and as a kid would get sleep terrors and sleep paralysis. I also hate the feeling of blankets on my feet and the feeling of someone else's breath on me. I got around this by always having my feet stick out of my blankets and when dating I would prefer to be the big spoon when cuddling - It became an even bigger issue for me when my husband had to get a CPAP machine to prevent his sleep apnea (he woke me up snoring so much I made him go to a sleep clinic lol): the air from his machine is like a cold fan blowing on me and I _loath_ it. its the worst. If he wants to cuddle at night he has to make sure to maneuver a blanket to create a wall in front of his face so his air doesn't touch me or I will wake up and be very grumpy - I've always felt somewhat bad about it but also I just cant stand the feeling. We also use separate blankets on the same bed as I can't stand being too warm or having a heavy blanket on me or having things on my feet but my husband loves heavy blankets and being completely burritoed by blankets
I absolutely love the wig my friend and think pink is definitely your color! LoL! Seriously, you hit everything dead on, and explained what it's like to be an autistic woman exactly! The struggles, the "emotional outbursts" or breakdowns, everything you said was true. Thanks yet again for your insights and for helping me see that I do belong somewhere and I do not have to be anyone else to fit in here!! I was misdiagnosed as bipolar at 25 and I have probably been put almost every psychiatric medication on the market to treat bipolar disorder and big shock, the meds never seemed to work for me, leading me to almost opt for electro shock therapy 😮😢. Thankfully, I couldn't afford the copay for that treatment at the time. I've never been so happy to be broke financially LoL 😂! You guys are awesome 😎👍 and I appreciate the videos and the fact that you are doing what you do for the autistic community!
Everything in the video describes me to a T. I was originally diagnosed with major childhood depression. And the only reason why my parents took me to a therapist was because they grew tired and frustrated with my meltdowns. Otherwise they wouldn’t have bothered. As for having an intense interest in other people, I used to make up imaginary people in my head and become intensely interested in them. This probably came from dissociating when one or both parent became more hostile and angry at me and my sister. I used to walk on my toes up until I reached the first grade. I heard somewhere that this is one possible trait in autistic girls. I still pick at my skin and walk around permanently tired at work all of the time because of the overwhelming sensory overload.
I love watching you dancing the same music over and over again with wig 😅😅😅 I do that and I sing the same music for MONTHS. By the way, I have my ASD diagnostic only this year, at age of 41 after 20 years of therapy, different diagnosis and medications. Better late than never.
Very spot on! I was diagnosed with depression and general anxiety disorder in the past, and only after my daughter was diagnosed as autistic, that I looked for (and got) the correct diagnosis for myself. There's 2 more unpleasant (but very common) experiences for autistic women that I would mention: - being considered generally lazy or a tomboy because you are completely unable to wear/walk on heels, and incapable to stand the feeling of fancy uncomfortable clothing and makeup against your face for too long. - being harassed or groped because you are not good reading other people's intentions and thus are an easier target for sexual predators.
I literally got beat when I didn’t hide these types of traits. 😬 I’ve never been diagnosed or even seen a mental healthcare professional but your videos are really encouraging me to.
i think i missed the memo of “feminine” things to have a special interest over because it’s one very specific video game franchise. oh well, the protagonist is the first female protagonist in video games!
I watched this video 7 times, 8 times? And my mind still keeps wandering off because each point touches something in me. Like the thought of, could my ability to mask be so high, that I could stop a shutdown or meltdown from actually happening? I experienced both of it this week. It was in front of a friend who knows about my autism and on who I have a teeny tiny crush 🤭 (shyyyy!). We had a great day, a lot of fun and he made me laugh hysterically a few times. And then he asked me, if I would like to consider to move in his house with him 😳 At that point my brain RAM was already a little bit cluttered, because I'm not used to so much social interaction anymore. We talked a little bit more. He loves sarcasm and puns, which is exhausting to me. So I came to the point of a (almost) shutdown. Because I felt embarrassed about it, I pulled myself together and just focused on getting home as save as possible. After two days we met again. I wasn't fully recovered yet. Another fun day. He made more sarcastic and punny jokes than usual because he was hyped up about something we were working on together and he wanted to try it out with me. In the meantime we got in the rain. So I was tired, my clothes were damp, my feet were cold and wet, my fingers were sticky all the time and my hair felt so heavy. So when he got impatient at one point, he said something in a harsher tone than he meant to. Time for a meltdown. Or at least almost. While driving home on the Autobahn, I kept telling myself 'Don't cry now. Some more minutes. You can do it. Some more minutes. You are almost home.' So that's how I overcame a meltdown. Or maybe I just stopped it, like stopping a volcano from an outburst by putting a pot lid on? Another thing I found out about my masking is, I tend to conform to what I think is expected from me in order to fit in. As an example, I could and should never join a self help group for people with suicidal or self-harming tendencies. Although I don't feel that way myself, I would surely develop those thoughts in order to fit in. This kind of behavior is really problematic in terms of dating. I used to 'consent' to things I wasn't always comfortable with, just because I thought I was expected to do it. I think only this last point should be reason enough to put more effort in in research about autism diagnosis of females. We are good in hiding. My stimming can look innocent enough like having a mint candy. Being assessed by someone who is specialized in children feels like going to the vet as a human to me. But I really love the light-hearted and quirky style the video(s) is/are made, otherwise it would have been really hard to watch, because so many points are hitting home hard. Love you for this! Please never change the silly ♥️
I’m was diagnosed in my mid 40s. I’ve gradually learned to accept it but can’t accept at how worthless I feel as a mother, particularly to my 3 adult children. I struggle to relate to one of them in particular who’s everything I wish I could have been. I don’t phone them but try and check in via message and always repeat how proud I am of all. None come to see me and they all feel I think too much. In fairness I don’t go to see them as I feel they have their own lives. I also feel a great deal of hurt, anger and shame at my parenting before diagnosis. Right now my husband and family are all at a big family bbq. I went for an hour but felt I was intruding in their lives and they’d prefer it without me. This video is so accurate, Chris and has helped with some of the pain I’m feeling tonight. Thank you 🙏
My parents described me as difficult. I don't drive. People think that's odd. I think people think I am lazy. Not such an issue now I'm getting old. My daughter recognised it for me. Yes later
Yes, when I was young I was just a horse-crazy girl (and crazy in other ways). Today I am a horse-crazy woman who can hold monologues about all topics related to horses. Horses are my therapist. But I have also always enjoyed dealing with insects and woodlice. When I am overwhelmed, the best thing that helps me is headphones with metal music. Then I completely block out the outside world. I am still practicing social contacts. I was always an outsider and didn't understand others.
11:23 I didn't know I needed to hear that. I can't really explain it but hearing that made me feel understood. Probably because that "Don't do it" felt so directed at me instead of the "autistic woman" (to whom I can relate)
Thank you for doing a video for women and girls!!!!!! Loved this, felt seen!!!! And as always I related to all of the points...'oh, I do that...and that...and that...AND that...that's me! lol'. The stimming note was great because I don't do anything obvious - but then when you mentioned specific muscles - I realised actually cross my toes on my left foot when I'm emotionally uncomfortable, or grip my thumbs with my fist if I'm anxious, or generally clench my calves if I'm nervous and play with my hair. I do tend to jump and spin when I'm excited lol, or flap my feet ;) One thing I noticed is that I grew up with a Disney expectation of life - ie. whatever was fed to me via movies, tv shows, books and parents, I kind of swallowed whole, and expected life to be exactly like that. So I had firm pictures of what relationships were meant to look like from cartoons I watched or Disney stories, or how I was meant to be treated by men. It took years and years before I slowly realised that life wasn't that formulaic, or black and white, and that realistic relationships involved a lot more than what was portrayed in romance books. I still haven't figured that all out and don't understand how other people seem to know what does or doesn't make good partner material. I think a similar expectation was set rigidly regarding school and work too. I thought that people were measured on a scale via tests, and you just had to learn what the teacher told you to learn the way that they wanted you to learn it. I was an A grade student throughout school due to this. But university became confusing because learning topics were no longer restricted and real-world experience started counting as learning - there was no longer a limited parameter and I didn't know how to manage the parameters to learn. Then, when I started working, I slowly over the years figured out that people aren't on a scale depending on intelligence - life skills come in non-linear forms and each person has valid gifts that they offer. It took me decades to realise that my initial measure of people wasn't correct or a healthy way of determining success - and I'm admittedly annoyed that this was kind of taught to me by our school system. I do feel like because I'm autistic I adopted those rules very rigidly internally and was trying to navigate life according to them - it just didn't work. Please can you cover attachment and romance with partners in a subsequent video? I feel like the give and take and calmness of a relationship is harder as an autistic person - and some traits and maybe tips on what to look for in a good relationship would be super helpful. I don't want to be single my whole life...
I had been nodding and smiling and being seemingly in agreement with everyone without saying so directly for 25 years before I had a breakdown. As children, girls can have an easier template for going under the radar, if they are willing to smother their soul in the process. Be quiet and look happy, or at least never look angry or sad. And remove everything else. No matter what. I had many meltdowns as a child, but they were seen as tantrums. I was never in control of them, but they accused me of doing it on purpose of my own free will.
WHY!!!!!!!! Is this so relateable I missed this live-stream yesterday evening because of element n°2 special interests. I'm interested in police / crime solving TV shows and murder mystery books. I just found a new one yesterday afternoon while looking for another TV show. It is now my new favourite TV show and I am going to watch it everyday for the next 3 weeks straight (AND NOTHING ELSE). It's called HPI (Haute Potentielle Intellectuelle), I live in france. I don't think there is an english version of the show. Its about a woman who has an IQ of 160 who works as a cleaner in a police station, more precisely in the detective unit. She was cleaning one night and knocked over a pile of folders. She looked at the pictures and saw the images. She went over to the board and crossed out suspect and wrote underneath and circled victim. The detectives went to look at the camera footage to see who did it and called her in. They placed her in police custody because they suspected that she was the murderer of the old man. They then released her and she got into a fight with police. She was then put back in jail. In the mean time the other detectives were wondering what she was doing tampering with it. She said that it was wrong and that she can't sleep if there's a problem, and that she has to fix it to be able to sleep. She gets released in the evening and the detectives call her upstairs to help them with the case. She tells them that she saw glue marks on a chair, pillows straight on the couch, the room super clean but the curtains there were 3, two tied with a rope one not. She said that it couldn't be the wife that was the suspect because the husband was dead, she wouldn't tie him to the chair then remove him and lay him on the floor (he was shot), so that must mean that the wife was tied up then kidnapped. Turns out her sister did it. Long story short she is insanely good at detective work. Plants in a house usually last up to 5 days in water but there was a photo taken a few days before the murder the plants were all alive. But the day of the detectives were there the plants were dead. Turns out that there was a palm tree that didn't die. Her sister had remotely controlled the thermostat through an app. Making the dead body show the time of death 24 hours after its original lime and messing up peoples allibys. The plants died because of the intense heat. Her sister was hiding her in a storage room under her apartment with the rope that should have tied the curtain. The woman was offered a job to be a consultant to the detective team. The next episode she was late to work but brought mini donuts
If you're autistic, what are some of your experiences, and what challenges have you faced? If you are an autistic woman, were you diagnosed late due to any of the reasons we shared? Tell us about your experiences in the comments so we can all learn more together about autism in women! ⤵
You have my book 😊
I'm a self diagnosed Audhd (I can't afford an official diagnosis yet). I just found out this year at age 27. One of the biggest issues I have is keeping a clean house. There's a lot of mental and societal pressure to keep it clean. When you feel like you're operating on low battery all the time, it can feel overwhelming. Then there's the added guilt and shame from the inside and outside. "Why not just knock it out and get it over with? It would only take you 30 minutes to do."
🫠 It's hard to explain to others why I can't. Especially when they say I'm just making excuses. Then, when the energy levels come back up, I quickly overspend it, burning out quicker, doing too many tasks, trying to prove to others that I am not lazy 😥
I'm super thankful for your videos. They're very funny and informative 😁 It's helped me to not feel so alone and to know that there are other people who are like me 😊
I sooo do that with my toes 😂. Dancing too 😊
Sorry, but my biggest difficulty with being autistic and trying to get diagnosed at 30 is exactly this gendering of autism traits.
These kind of videos dont help with the problem of very high masking autists, but just moved it to boys/men who are high masking, atleast in my experience.
Yes woman fly under the radar autism wise, but do we really have to do that to men to, to make it fair or what?
Stop gendering autism (and any applicable condition too), it does more harm than good. Just saying these are traits of high masking autists that may, or may not, be more prevalent in woman, but are not exclusive to them would go a long way.
This alone made me feel aggressive just reading the title. I love your content, it is one of the best. It helped me a great deal and I am very grateful for that. But please stop with this, what I would already call misinformation, even if its meant in good faith.
I hope I worded it not too aggressive and if yes I am sorry, but this is a pain point for me.
You make me feel so validated.
P.s. the pink hair cosplay is epic
I’m currently undiagnosed but my 14 year old son has an official diagnosis. I relate to everything on this list. However, I do not experience meltdowns because my childhood in the 80s/90s taught me it is absolutely unacceptable for girls to have one. Now middle aged, my husband can attest to me just completely shutting down when overwhelmed. Sometimes I will go take an 8 hour nap. Screaming and crying in girls gets you labelled an over-dramatic pain in the a$$ (and could lead to a beating in the 80s). Shutting down is ignored because at least you’re quiet.
I am 41 and only now getting diagnosed, and something watching videos from people like Chris who actually have autism has taught me that in women a lot of time, meltdowns can actually be just massive crying fits when we're overwhelmed. In high school, I would come home and just crash on my bed for a couple hours; I used to think it was a heat thing (like summers were too hot) but I know now that was daily burnout. That is 100% my personal experience with meltdowns. When I burn out (which is a LOT the older I get), I just cry for days and I keep asking God WHY and I can't handle any sort of noise around me from even my pets who I normally love, and I have to shove headphones in my ear and listen to a song I know that will drown out every noise in my house. This usually happens every other month or so, but like I said the older I get, the more it happens, and I have pretty much been in a hardcore burnout for a year and a half now. Your 8-hour naps would definitely qualify, and any time you might have just felt the need to break down and cry.
YES ! same here, I am 44 and I got beaten by my mom a lot as girl. I didn't why but today I know that my autism was probably getting me in trouble because her own UNdiagnosed autism caused violent metldowns she took on me as soon as I got vocal about my needs.
❤@@BaiMengLing
Being quiet- yes I can relate to that, just sitting in the corner (as a child) reading quietly looked to them like I was being a "good girl", but actually, I'm now realising it was me shutting off when the world and my family environment became too much to handle.
My meltdowns are shut downs, too. 59yo similar experience: strictly no "tantrums"!
I've watched so many "autism in women" videos searching if I really fit in with it (the questioning! the impostor syndrome!), but this is the first that really hits true and core to my experience as very high-masking in ways I've never thought of before. Thank you always so much for your content!
exactly!!
Same! I've been questioning my self-diagnosis a LOT lately, and so worried and embarrassed that my identification was wrong.
This video has been so spot-on! Thank you Chris & Debbie. I feel heard and seen.
(And that last little bit in the out-takes where you tap yourself on the forehead and tell yourself you're "stupid" is ME 100%!!)
I totally agree with you!!
Absolutely agree. I’ve actually watched this video twice. Everything in this video resonates for me thank you ☺️
Yes!
From childhood, I was never able to control the intensity of my emotions. I cried easily and often. Both of my parents fussed at me about this. As I got older, this didn’t change unless I was in a happy, safe environment. I am highly sensitive and still easily cry.
Textures have always bothered me, certain lights, sharp and loud noises, too many people talking at once. I masked through my adulthood, putting on the “proper” face in public, but as soon as I got home I would meltdown from the exhaustion of keeping up appearances. I have always needed a level of control in my life and if UN achievable, I would feel so helpless and despondent. This list could go on and on, but I hope what I wrote helps someone!
You are me! I experienced all of these too! My mother would get so mad at me because I would have empathy for anyone going thru tough times, or I'd always try to defend someone bc I didn't think it was fair to speak about someone behind their back.
I HATE the feeling of tweed and heavy cotton, or anything around my neck. Socks suffocate me, bracelets choke my wrists, and turtlenecks should not even exist!! 🙆🏻♀️🙆🏻♀️
I'm 43, and my daughter got confirmed diagnosis in March of 2023 and ever since then I've been on my journey of figuring Me out because we are SO much a like. She is literally my carbon copy. She feels almost more like a twin of me than my daughter at times... Weird, I know.
Thanks for sharing
@@yolandacastillo-newsome2697 Oh, did you also got in trouble because you defended someone who couldn't or didn't speak up for themselves? I went from being the awkward person in school that was left alone to the shunned person. I always knew that I would get in trouble for speaking up, but I couldn't not do it. It would have be wrong.
@@ruthbarrett8907 The need for a certain level of control is so exhausting 😥 A boyfriend once said that I needed my rituals around waking up and going to bed with him. And he was right. With a slight slip up it was like the whole world would shatter around me.
But I found out something about my crying. I do it easily and especially the time after my self realization, that I'm an autist. I don't necessarily cry because I'm sad or upset. I cry when I got more emotions than I can handle at that time, like a overflowing cup 🤯 Maybe it's something that's absolutely clear to everyone, but I'm still mind blown about it, and stopped berating myself for being a cry baby😅
Love the way you explain things. It’s really helped sharing your videos with those in my life who don’t understand, me and/or ‘my explanations, when they ask about it.
OMG, the longer pink hair "later in life", I can't stop laughing.
😂😂😂
Sooo gooodd 😂😂😂😂❤❤❤
Very needed still even for professionals. Thanks!
Thank you!! And yes, we agree - lots more info needed, as well as the shared experiences of autistic women so we can all learn more!
That was so precise! Just being diagnosed 6 months ago and two years ago hitting 50 I got a clue the first time in my life. Thank you for acting female. Liked the background a lot. Unfortunately I was distracted by your intensely reflective stimmer and movements of your hands. As well as the clouds' quick popping up, introducing a new topic, although I like the design. Made it a little hard for me to watch & listen (I didn't want to miss your female acting).
Again: brilliant content! Thanks a lot!
Everything you’ve touched on hits the right (wrong?) nerves. I grew up in an era where ASD was barely recognized. My parents responded in very negative ways, shaming me, blaming me, name-calling - ‘what could be easier than sitting around looking pretty’, was their reasoning. Glad I finally understand more about myself and my experiences.
I was born in 1980... There's no way my mother would have ever acknowledged a diagnosis for me even if it was recognized back then. She tells me, now, to not talk about it in front of my daughter and maybe she'll just forget she has it 😂😂😂 🙄🙄😳... That's not quite how it works 🤦🏻♀️
"Listening to the same music over and over and over" had me laughing because I mentioned to my psychologist during my assessment that it's not uncommon for me to listen to the same album or song for WEEKS on repeat. My Spotify Wrapped a few years ago showed one song was played for 18 hours straight in ONE DAY. And if I'm not listening to The Song? I'm humming it!
Yep, totally understand that!
lol. My TH-cam history has huge chunks that repeat. I love the “loop” option. Sometimes you just have to listen to the same song all day or evening because it, as the kids say, slaps. Mostly I do that with electronic music because it’s repetitive without huge variations.
@deirdrestatham5730 Exactly! There will be a part of a song that scratches an itch in my brain at that point in time and I can't listen to anything else for days or weeks at a time.
Same. I listen to and sing the same songs many times a day, every day. I call it my therapy playlist. I can't handle being in the car or going out in public without it.
Hard Same - I will listen to the same songs the same albums that I have loved since I was a kid (that I have on tape cassette even cuz I was a kid in the 80s) I can and will enjoy listening to the same song enough times to really deeply ingrain it into my psyche so whenever I can't listen to the song I can still play it verbatim in my head. I do the same thing for certain movies or show series... Especially ones with catchy title music/theme songs lol It low key drives my partner a little nuts as he is ADHD and listening to the same song repetitively is painfully boring to him
Self-diagnosed in my early 50s after a long road, including many false flag diagnoses like anxiety, depression, and even BPD. These were all also self-diagnosed because doctors and therapists all seem to find me too charming to have anything really *wrong* with me due to rockstar level masking/chameleon abilities😎
But the toxic soup of US politics, a pandemic, and more than a few serious personal tragedies over the past decade has given me (body + spirit) an ultimatum about where my most fierce loyalties must lie: to Self or to Others. Damn it if I’m not simply Autist but an Autist Human, the latter of which does require at least a minimum level of social interaction and feeling of belonging.
Alas, a monthly book club whose members appreciate the depth of research and thought I bring to the discussions seems to fit the bill relatively well at the moment.
Love this channel👏🏼
" doctors and therapists all seem to find me too charming to have anything really wrong with me" yeah doctors seem to equate autism with "ugly weirdo" and therefore completely miss this diagnosis when a pretty woman enters their office. Style, clothing, fitness, make up and hair can ALSO be a special interest, just saying
Exactly. I remember telling one therapist that the better I *look*, the *worse* I feel. I described it as my armor against the world, but it actually put a wall between me and “my kind of people,” who typically choose to spend their time and money on more intellectual and spiritual pursuits. Hard to change when living in a society that tells you how lucky you are to be accepted by the Cool Kids, even as you recoil from their banality.
I’m grateful for channels like this one who provide language to better explain myself, to others as well as to myself. Strong special interests indeed.
This is me. Newly dx at age 46 because of severe burnout. I was first dx with GAD and OCD in my 20s. Lots of therapi that did not help much. My meltdowns have always been internalized. When i shut down I can’t find my words. To speak becomes almost impossible.
Yes, I stop being able to form thoughts when I'm over my threshold. I can feel myself reaching it so I have to get away before it hits, or I start acting super awkward I think.
High masking until i randomly hit the emotional wall. Learning to recognize the edges of the abyss has been helpful. I regularly hit overwhelm especially when stressed. Late diagnosed Adhd, also suspected auDhd. I hate executive disfunction. 😖
Thanks, 🙏🏽 informative vid. I like that you showed examples. I’m in my 30’s & recently diagnosed. I masked my whole life & I think ADHD masked many of my symptoms too, I got diagnosed with that 6 years ago. I’m just grateful I got the Truth about everything now. It really sheds light on so much in my past. You really feel a true sense of self love, patience & compassion finally.
@@Wellness_Rose I was diagnosed as inattentive ADD a few years ago after my son was diagnosed with ADHD. I saw a lot of similarities. I knew he was autistic from when he was a baby but he didn’t get diagnosed until around 11. His physical therapists kept saying they couldn’t diagnose him when he was little but most babies don’t self-sooth by banging their heads on the couch all day. 🙄 As I learned more after his diagnosis it started to click that he gets it from me because several behaviours he has I also have but wasn’t aware they’re part of the spectrum. 🤣 I used to think I was just a “jumpy” person but the fact that we both scream at the same loud noises was a big clue. Haha (His dad/my husband plays guitar and whenever the amp would feedback you could hear us both scream wherever we were in the house. lol)
Thank you so very much for putting the words together that explains my entire life experience.
Ugh the "just go do it!"
(Burrito mode) Can't. I am recharging my beans.
I didn’t get diagnosed until I was 37, despite testing into the severe severity in ASD for all categories but social communication, which was moderate severity. I had a childhood diagnosis of ADHD, dyscalculia, and dysgraphia. I had to drop out of high school due to not being able to handle it. I had meltdowns my entire life. Once I tried seeking help as an adult, I was diagnosed with BPD, bipolar, OCD, you name it, someone misdiagnosed me with it. Repetitive thinking, rigidity, emotional dysregulation, sensory issues, self-injury =personality disorder to the psychs I saw, completely due to gender bias and me appearing as a cute, masking girl. I went on disability at age 21. I took pills, did DBT, exposure therapy, all sorts of harmful treatments that never addressed the root cause of my functioning problems. Now I’m in college, in my 40’s, with the accommodations I always needed, working towards becoming a therapist.
Reading saved me in my childhood. It's an often overlooked restrictive interest.
I agree!! That was me 100%!!
Me too, I don't know how I would have made it without reading. ❤
When I finally discovered that I enjoyed reading books I was probably 7 and you could not stop me from reading - I'd have meltdowns if people took my books away and eventually my mom just gave up and let me read while doing everything always. I needed books for escaping for calming down for learning how people behave in all sorts of situations for learning skills for expanding my vocabulary for trying to figure out relationships and just for learning in general. I love books so much. Really any kind of story telling is great to me but books hit different.
I'm often haunted by the memory of learning that other girls sometimes said mean things "for fun" and to make others laugh. So I made fun of a friend because she didn't have internet in the early 2000s. I MADE OF FUN OF HER FOR BEING POOR AND THEN I DIDN'T UNDERSTAND WHY SHE DIDN'T WANT TO TALK TO ME 😢
I was the awkward girl that would get stared at when I was asked to accompany another girl or group to the bathroom and would always decline. I had NO IDEA they were going to go gossip and check each other’s makeup. I thought maybe they all had urination schedules that lined up so they all had to pee at the same time. I didn’t want anyone else to listen to me pee. 😂
You were trying to fit in. You just didn't have the words to explain that to your friend 😭
Other co existing conditions include Auditory Processing Disorder, Functional Neurological Disorder and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.
Thanks for this. Most of my autistic friends are of the "fella" variety and it's not always easy to communicate to them why my flavor of autism is so different than theirs. I've had different expectations for my behavior and different consequences for when I don't "human correctly".
My daughter knows a lot about dinosaurs
That's a great one to be an expert in! How old is she?
Dinosaurs was my special interest as a girl 8-11 years old, I went on to get a master in geology :p
appreciation for the chris and debby home made insert video clips
I did that for you!!! 🤩 Had to go to great lengths for this one because none of my autistic lady friends were ready for their TH-cam debut 😊 glad you appreciate it!!
LOL… sleeping in the same bed when we’re both autistic is our longest on going argument. Snoring, hogging the bed, covers…
Wife and I each have our own blanket and the biggest bed we could find. That being said, her snoring has sent me to our spare bedroom more than once...
After one year together we both agreed to live/ sleep separately, but we manage plenty of cuddle/sexy time before we are too exhausted and wind down each on our own.
Urrgghh don't do it! Unless you have space for a super king size bed.
Omg yes! Sometimes I have to sleep with earbuds lol
Just take the “I Love Lucy” approach.
Wait my toe movement is a thing?! I feel like I'm always doing it. I can tell when my cat attacks my feet
Love the realization. :) When I started looking into autism months ago I was struck when I heard about toe walking as a trait. I don't toe walk anymore but did as a child. Wait, THAT was it?
Self awareness and understanding.
About special interests...Maybe it gets dismissed in the girls. But apparently if a grown woman likes cats just a bit too much, there IS a social stigma...according to certain people.
There does seem to be a lot of autistic women who have a thing for cats.
Personally, for me, I identify with them. And sensory wise, they are extremely pleasing. Whereas dogs can sometimes be loud and smelly and rough and slobbering. I feel like cats and I are on the same wavelength. And we both don't enjoy loud noises and abrasive people.
@@BeDifferent77 And you can cuddle or enjoy mutual ignoring each other. 🤣
I was "gifted" and "awkward" my whole life and even though I'm male I am queer as well and I think often us queer folks guys can fly under the radar in the same way girls do. Of course this is just my experience but I've known a few more AuDHD guy guys and for the most part are undiagnosed because of our special interests and inherent "otherness" already present.
I'm high-masking female and bi - I get it!
I'm an enby. I think that being autistic is specifically what makes it hard for me to fit into the "female" box. As soon as I saw the word autigender I said, yeeesss! I often wonder how others can be so certain that they are cis and straight, cuz I'm not. It annoys me to live in a culture that enforces a binary on everybody.
This is interesting bc when speacking of woman and autism, I had this insight that there must be more males having the feminine kind of autism. I know one guy who is, though he does not represent very feminine, he is quite a male fysique but still shows more feminine kind of autism.
Since the, I started to call it externalized and internalized autism, to let the gender not take all the main score.
Spot on sir. I'm still not diagnosed as Autistic. I was once as an adult diagnosed as Bipolar, but I knew people who were Bipolar, and i knew i wasn't, so i refused the meds the doctor wanted to put me on. Now I'm old, I'm a grandmother, so i don't need one. As a child, i was labeled emotionally disturbed. I was in my 30's when at a friend's house, i noticed a medical book with disorders from a to z. Of course i had to read it. I got to Autism. When i was finished reading it i started to cry, it was me, i also realized it was my youngest child. I did have him tested. I'm glad i did, his school was able to use his diagnosis to help with his education.
Hi Chris (and Debby) I was wondering if you guys could look into making a video regarding women who were initially diagnosed with BPD (Borderline) only to end up with ADHD and Autism. It seems much more common and is rarely spoken about. I've been going through it as have several of my female friends.
This almost makes me feel better for not being diagnosed til my sixties (not really). People who aren't autistic learn pretty much all of their behaviors based on the behavior modeled by others. In other words, everyone learns by what they see as a baby, child, etc.. The autistic person may be working harder to exhibit those behaviors. The concept of masking, which is new to me, suggests a deceptiveness or an unwillingness to reveal one's true self. I simply think the term wasn't thought of by an autistic person . Likely it came from a masters or doctoral candidate making a name for themself or a pop writer like Gladwell.
I think the biggest difference is when I was a child and stimmed or got upset when I was interrupted or spent time focused on one interest or didn’t want to socialize much… I got in trouble. I learned from a young age that my natural autistic behaviors were ‘wrong’. So I learned to hide them. That behavior is called masking and it’s the story of many late-diagnosed autistics. It’s more than just learning behavior by watching others.
I agree, in that I was always in trouble for what I now know was an autism, sensory processing and auditory issue. I can see it from a distance now, but I was in a very conservative, family and community. And especially for girls, there was the" good girl " motivation. That is probably why I am more sensitive to the labels that are used.
Some people like to call it camouflaging instead. I like it better because I am not completely hiding myself or being ingenuous, I’m just adapting to my surroundings as best as I can
@@ChrisandDebbyYeah. Learning to mimic other’s behaviour or hide your own natural tendencies is a survival technique to avoid being ridiculed or yelled at or punished. No one wants to be shamed for being themselves so you learn to curl your toes inside your shoes so people stop telling you “that thing” you’re doing is annoying.
I like the term camouflaging. 👍
Hello there! Your ongoing internet follower here with an update to my story that fits in with today's episode.
I'll say outright: I'm transgender, born female. I'll skip the surgery stuff and hormone stuff here.
I finally had my ADHD/autism screening results come back: I don't have ADHD or TBI according to the DSM-5. That's all good, but when I asked about autism, they told me they couldn't tell if I was because of all the trauma I suffered growing up, or my depression and anxiety acting up. If I felt that identifying as autistic fit my personality, I probably am. 🤷 I'm so confused. 🤦
I would really like more clarification on that from anyone out there who might know? There has to be something, somewhere that can find out why all the stuff you cover here is ringing true to my tendencies? Links to legitimate testing I could take? I don't know. I feel like my who life has been a huge "maybe it is, maybe it isn't, we can't tell for sure because _____."
I've been called weird and oversensitive my whole life, I see things here that make me feel at home and understood, but is that an answer? I know a legitimate diagnosis doesn't change anything, but it would help me go down the right path through my overall treatment and skill sets to try/learn.
Interesting about the food part, I've been told I have an "automatic food reject button" by my friends who have seen it happen! Food textures especially. Literally gag on it or yuck it back out before I even chew it.
Sleep- I just live alone. I've tried living with other people, not even an option. Even my cat can be a trigger sometimes. He'll twitch or have a bad dream and I'll jolt out of bed and be exhausted the whole day.
Stimming: mine seems to be skin picking, rubbing my face/head, the more anxious I get, the worse it gets. I used to love ripping out my hair and wrapping it around my thumb to suck on because I loved the texture of it.
I wasn't allowed to have friends or be social, so locking myself in my room for days wasn't really an issue because then I "wasn't being a pain in the hind end"
If you read my whole comment, thank you. It was a rant and a ramble all at the same time 🫣😵💫
My heart goes out to all of you 🫶
Hi, I just wanted to say that I read your comment! I also want you to hear this: a self diagnosis is completely valid. You've clearly been doing a lot of reading about the topic, and if you identify with the community and feel like it helps you understand yourself better, that's enough. There are lots of reasons that people can't get an official diagnosis. Financial barriers, the ridiculous lack of professionals actually knowledgeable about diagnosing high masking individuals, outdated stereotypes...you name it. The website Embrace Autism has a lot of assessments you can do, if that's what you're into. There is also a documented overlap between transgender and autism (transgender individuals are like twice as likely to be autistic...but check that stat, I don't know the source of hand). And finally, you might want to read the book called Unmasking Autism by Devon Price. He is also transgender (and a psychology PhD). I can't say it's 100% great because I never finished it, which isn't a reflection of the book...I just hate reading books lol.
I second the recommendation for Unmasking Autism @saracousins2387 You may want to also check out Pete Walker’s book on Complex PTSD, which many of us have developed as a result of living in a world not made for us. This book has helped me as a try and tease out what is due to autism and what is straight up trauma response.
Seconding that self diagnosis is absolutely valid and the recommendation for the Embrace Autism website. I had a hard time accepting self diagnosis for myself, even though the evidence is overwhelming. The thing that helped me was treating it as kind of an experiment. I started learning how other autistic adults accommodate themselves and testing out the ones that resonated with me. They have helped tremendously! I also have CPTSD and have been in therapy for that for years. It hasn't helped as much as I or my therapist thought it should. Seeing that adding these accommodations helps resolve issues that therapy didn't makes me feel more confident in my self diagnosis. It's also made it easier to start figuring out which pieces are trauma and which are autism. For example, I now know that I have both meltdowns and flashbacks and that different strategies are necessary for each. I feel I spent a lot of time trying to "fix" my autism because I thought it was a manifestation of trauma. But it didn't need fixed, just supported.
I think you deserve the chance to give yourself the support you need and you don't have to have an iron clad diagnosis to do that. I hope you find what you need to feel better and enjoy life!
@@sarahcousins2387 Thank you for the info and your kind words, I appreciate them 😊 I'll have to look up some of these things for sure! I don't really need an official diagnosis, just a better explanation and less muddled road to travel 🫣
@@rainbowconnected Thank you for the support, I'm amazed at how much of the things that are listed to help autism meltdowns have helped me already, just from the 3 or 4 months I've been following this channel. If only I could get my peeps IRL on board to realize I'm trying to change and not just be "a pain in their hind end" as they like to put it 🫠 I'm happy to have found a community who is supportive of my efforts and questions. Thank you! 🫶
when I was about 15 a special class was held in my high school in social studies. Every aspect of the class was unexpected and I was unprepared for it. When I entered, there were almost 50 students in a room too small, and a class size more than twice larger than normal . I have an auditory processing disorder and autism and neither had yet been diagnosed. I did not know what a sensory processing disorder was. within minutes, I must have had a shut down. I do not remember it. After class, when asked by another student about it, I said i must have been day dreaming. But, I looked at the notes I was taking in class.over a full page, my penmanship deteriorated, I no longer was on the lines but drifting down, until no legible shapes were made.
New diagnosed this explains me
Glad you found it relatable! 😊
Omg Chris how many different pink hairstyles do you sport? 😍
Oh man… you should have seen the look on the guys face at the store where I bought them. He asked what they were for and I told him a video my wife and I are making. Only when I got to the car did I realize he looked at me crazy because he probably thought I was making an adult film 😂😂😂
@@ChrisandDebby hahaha we are mythology-powered creatures, for sure! 😊
@@ChrisandDebby🤣🤣🤣
Don't forget longer processing time.
I ended up getting called things like "Dingy Debbie". And there were dumb blonde jokes too. I would miss pieces in group conversations because they would go too fast. Even though I was actually very intelligent, taking a little longer to process and laugh at jokes was noticeable. Eventually I learned to watch everyone else and just play along although I was lost.
Also, autistic women het sexually assaulted at higher rates. It took me too long to process what was happening socially, and I ended up in a vulnerable situation that I never expected. Predators also pick up on when a girl is not processing the situation quickly enough. So the prey on that vulnerability. Plus, autistic women can be too trusting and naive.
Struggling socially causes excess loneliness and desperation at well. And when too frustrated with failures, social compromises are often made, causing us to be taken advantage of by all kinds of people.
Our society teaches us that if a girl is pretty and quiet, she can still get a date. That's a recipe for disaster with high masking autistic women. And it often results in ending up in abusive relationships.
The more I learn about autism to understand and help my son, I also understand that I am myself autistic as well. No, at least I can understand why i am as i am and why I feel what I feel. Gets worse when my husband has his "moon cycle" and throws his bad mood on my head, where I am already keeping my sons meltdowns, his routine, and important things he needs to unwind, +my teen daughter emotional problems that I have to help soften a bit, and + my emotions after being social every day 5 days a week and no space to hide and having people around who doesn't care......... i love my family and luckily my kids are very respectful to each other's feelings and we work well together. How to teach my husband the same? I am so tired to hear this question almost every day "Why are you so moody, is it PMS again?" Yessss, because i am so special and have pms 30 days per month 😂😂😂😂😂 and it is absolutely not because after 18 years you (my lovely hubby) can't remember where to put forks and where are spoons 😂
Looking back on my life now in the light of Autism mixed with ADD. I know my mom thought I would never learn to tie my shoes, tell time and write in cursive! Took forever but today I am proud to say I have those skills mastered. Now if I could just stop the squirrels in my head.
The more I learn about autism in girls and women, the more my heart aches for friends and acquaintances who may never realize they’re living with autism or AuDHD. Many of them struggle with anxiety, depression, and self-loathing, unaware of the underlying cause. I’ve been there, and I see it in them. But I know there’s only so much I can do or say to encourage them to explore whether neurodivergence might resonate with their experience. I just know that I am finally at peace with myself. And I want this for them.
I felt so understood by this video. I get the feeling nobody understands my troubles, they just brush them off or think I am a drama queen. Sometimes I think I am just a stupid, hysterical psychopath. It was very comforting for me to be diagnosed as autistic, which explains everything I struggle with.
And may I ask what that pink thingie in your hand is? I was fascinated by it. Is it squishy? I would love to have on, I always need something to play with like pens or such (maybe a kind of stimming, dont know😅)
Thank you... I don't know if i am autistic or have adhd... but i feel seen and loved with your videos and want to thank you and Debby so very very much
Before we knew I had autism my husband thought I just really liked to research lmao. He didn't know I was deep diving into special interests. He wanted to get into the stock market and asked if I wanted to research it for him. Yeah... no thank you lol. No interest in that lol.
Thank you so much for making these videos. I have no diagnosis but i have all of these symptoms 😢😢😢
❤
OK, but why do you look so good with that pink wig? 😄
Diaagnosed at age 70... 71 now. I would add that my love language is 'information sharing. Also, I was tested in 2nd grade due to isolating behaviors, and the results came back that I am gifted... circa 1960 :P Professionally, I was a Jungian therapist and meditation teacher before retiring==perfect mask 🤪' And, while some professionals say those of us who have gone so long without diagnosis/support are 'feral', I prefer 'wild' 😁
Ha! I quite like 'feral'. I'm 47 and waiting to be assessed. When you're not identified as, you just spend your whole life trying to work yourself out. I went as far as training as a therapist and after years of working as an interpreter (intercultural bridges!) I am now a therapist myself.
My old mother is probably also an undiagnosed person. And her sister. I'm a bit sad for them because they have no idea for now. I'm getting diagnosed and perhaps it'll make her wonder. But it's her journey.
Reading, reading, and reading. Unaware, until recently, that this may be a form of stimming.
Regarding the food...
It's known that autism increases chances of digestive issues. I started having GI problems back in college...I'm 54, and they are only worse.
And..on co-occuring...emerging understanding is that many of us have ADD or ADHD...
I had a suspicion about the ADD too, and the diagnosticion detected it during the autism diagnosis.
As you know, that doesn't NOT help us follow and focus on group conversations. Sensory issues in a public places compound that.
Oh...and my dating options are quite narrow due to sensory issues and narrow interests. If a guy wants to go to sporting events, that is a deal breaker!
Father and I spent today at an intro bonsai class. I spotted at least one other neuroatypical human right away, male. I believe an older female teacher later also fit this category. And then a few others. Think about bonsai for a minute. I think “difference” rates have to be at about 80% of serious enthusiasts. Anyway. I’d say me and my father are affected about the same in degree of intensity, if estimating that makes any sense. We both were there to learn the same material, learn the same tasks, produce the same tree at the same beginner level. Who was constantly engaged in negative corrective feedback? Who was not left alone to work without interruption? Who was expected to do all the socializing for silent father? I was wearing orange light blocking glasses. Doesn’t that scream weirdo (said with love and pride)? Nope. I was constantly forced to perform socially for 5 hours because (mostly male) strangers who themselves were probably half on the spectrum saw it as my job. All I wanted was to think about my tree. I loathe loathe loathe talking to people I don’t know. But I did it. I did it maybe superbly. I am an attorney. I am hyperlexic. I was a psychoanalystic therapist before I realized the feeling I could die from being looked at all day was real. I KNOW how to talk to people. I have never had any choice. I hate it. Understand differences between men and women may also be brain differences but THEY ARE ALWAYS ALREADY MISOGYNY. You get extra points if you know the phrase “always already” BTW.
Thank you so much! Feeling validated and RECOGNIZED. I am a survivor of child sexual abuse,and my excellent therapist opined that my autism made me a perfect victim- I was already a "weird " child who lived in books and my own imagination . I'm curious if there are any stats about autism/ child sexual abuse. Finally,thank you so much for making these videos
It's 6am now, the live chat has ended 9.5 hours ago and I'm still obsessing with the idea of a hotel that caters to autistic people 😍 And because it will take so long until the idea comes to life, I have built one in my head. It has got plenty of stimmy chairs like rocking chairs, swing chairs, some that spin and hanging chairs that make you feel like being in a cocoon and are great for reading. Heated floors for the colder seasons, so you can still just wear socks and walk around on your toes. Also there's a fireplace and a shrimp tank. In a separate room, because it needs better lighting, is a puzzle space. No loud talking or loud music allowed in there.
Guests, that permanently live there would be a handful of cats and chickens (I love their dinosaur feet) that also can provide some organic eggs.
Also there are some nice plants. Some of those would have a nice smell like wax flowers, but they would be in a place that also be avoided, for those who can't cope with smells. Oh, and very important, the rooms would have nice toilets for extended diarrhea sessions 😅
I’m going to use some of these ideas!!! They’re great 🙌🙌
@@ChrisandDebby I hope the cats made it into your list 😂
And maybe bidets in some rooms for those who struggle with taking showers.
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I think part of the restrictive food issue is also that being skinny is important for girls, therefor being skinny is one way we can fit in better since we can't do all this other stuff that would make us acceptable. And then we turn our hyperfocus on learning about and then implementing best strategies for achieving it. I didn't go this way but my sister did. She's in her 60s and still struggles with it.
Once again I am floored by how accurate your vids are. "Difficult," and "overreacting," stand out for me but all the points you made were accurate.
My family and the kids and teachers at school made so much fun of my stims I stopped out of pure mortification. I hate to be perceived and it was only drawing attention to me.
I cannot sleep near others and when I finally put my foot down for having a separate bedroom it was such a breakthrough for my mental AND physical health. Not that I sleep well now, but at least I'm not laying their seething at someone else's perfectly normal behavior all night.
Haha for my high school graduation picture quote I wrote something about having gone through life learning to mimic everyone else to survive. *obvious*
I can't convey how much I hate showers. I hate the water on my face, I hate being blind without my glasses, I hate the sharp sting of water on my skin, and I hate the tickly feeling when it's running down me. I hate the eczema flare up from the shampoo and conditioner even though I buy unscented un-everything super inoffensive products. I hate forgetting the order in which I'm supposed to do everything for it simply because I'm too aggravated to think straight. I hate my long wet hair touching me after as I'm trying to dry and get dressed and I hate the feeling on my fingers of touching it to move it out of the way. I do LOVE the feeling of rubbing the shyte out of my face with a wet facecloth though, that is so enjoyable. It is such a mental and emotional effort to force myself in there and some days I just can't make myself do it, no matter how much I need to. I do try to have that be the ONLY mentally exhausting thing I do in a morning but some days it's so overwhelming that having the shower so I can go to the job means I can't actually go to the job. Or I'll be unable to get in there for days and miss a whole week of work. It's hard staying employed.
If you asked me how I got my diagnosis, you would have found my traits similar to yours. However, with me it left me really susceptible to men with bad intentions. I always have had an attitude that came with halving an unique real life name. I have only met two other women with the name and one was a character in a book. I can speak in a monotone when asked to describe something. I have very poor eye contact. I had an attitude that if you did not like me, even though when I was younger it hurt, I had no use for you. I have had no best friend from early childhood. I would see my sister act in certain ways, and just say that is illogical and stupid and I will not do that.
I learned to mask after high school, when I wanted my first study job as a math tutor. I had to learn to approach people. Then I worked at my tribal casino in Sales no less, and I had to definitively learn to try to sale something. The moral of trying to sell something to people went against my morals, and I soon quit that job. Besides the panic attacks, meltdowns, and sleeping every chance I got. Just working in an environment where everyone had a dagger in their boot to backstab you at any moment. Especially if you were a tribal member, and they thought you wanted their job. Why do your videos make me share too much?
My interests in childhood were our pets, hot wheels, and then Winnie-the-Pooh, followed closely by Star Wars. In my 20s, I could recite every line in Episode IV, The Empire Strikes Back. Though as a teen, I was totally obsessed with Duran Duran, like many people are obsessed with Taylor Swift today. Then I got hooked into Hitchcock and computer games. Without the latter, I would probably be single, because I met my husband on a text based game.
Love the channel, what brand of hoodie are you always wearing? Have a link?
First, I want to say that i Totally LOVE your channel!!!❤
Second, you pin point pretty much everything about me, Yet im still undiagnosed (still waiting for doing the test) - But self diagnosed! (high functioning/ masking Aspergers)
One thing I think about Often is.. Ive always had That specific intrest through out my entire life, but it have changed the older im getting. My first solid intrest was horses, I had a tapestry of posters, paper clips etc all over my childhood room. It later changed to certain music artists in early teens, books (specificly factbooks in a certain area, encyclopedias, phonebooks etc) and the older I got, intrests have changed. Is this really common?
Thank you for these videos. 💜
I'm 36 years old, and I have always felt like I was autistic. However, I masked so well as a child that I was always dismissed by everyone I confided in about possibly being diagnosed. I think I was only vocal about my auditory sensory issues, and everyone just thought I was being dramatic. Just not super motivated to do tasks, with a bit of anxiety. Internally I hid a LOT of other autism traits. But because it was subtle, or just manifested in my head instead of with my body... my struggles were never witnessed. I was told I was normal, just a bit lazy, a procrastinator, a dreamer, a quiet child. I struggled for 36 years of being dismissed constantly, and people accusing me of being lazy and dramatic.
Now at age 36, my therapist thinks I might be both Autistic and have ADHD as well. She's looking into finding a way for me to get diagnosed without having to pay a fortune to get assessed. Personally, I think finally getting the diagnoses will feel so validating. I'm looking forward to finally understanding more about myself. Being so isolated in my struggles all my life has been so overwhelming. I want to just be me for once, instead of trying so hard to be what other told me to be.
There is not a lot of research for LGBTIA+ presentation, if any. A lot of doctors seem to look for gender assigned at birth specific traits.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Did I say thank you? Thank you!!
The mask and the wig was a little creepy. 🤣
My sister complains about EVERYTHING! I can't do anything to please her. She doesn't like the fact that I want my clothes to be loose and I want to eat salads and don't like wine. I want to stay home not go out and be the center of attention, little narcissist that she is. BUT of course she is not a narcissist and I am not autistic. Except when she wants other people to feel sorry for her, for having a sister . . . well like, you know well like THAT. I live alone, own my house, no mortgage, actually have a bank account and a retirement fund. All of which she dose not have, parting really takes it out of your finances. Oh, did I mention, she is a psychiatric nurse?
I'm trying to figure out if my mom is autistic. My dad is narcissistic, but I think they both could be autistic.
Idem here. I'm pretty sure my mum is autistic (realisation that helps me understand her better). I don't think my father is tho, even if autism and antisocial traits can co-occur.
Autistic people and especially women are at a higher risk of finding themselves in abusive relationships, because they can be a bit naive or not see red flags or have low self esteem.
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!!
I sent this video to my mom and sister and told them I fairly certain you made this video specifically about me! It's such a relief to finally have a clear answer and understanding of nearly all of the struggles I've had in my life since I was a young girl. I appreciate your work so much! Thank you!!
I feel so seen in this video.
I wonder how much PTSD and undiagnosed Autism in Women are possibly related?
I'd imagine they're very related. Autistic people are much more likely to develop PTSD or CPTSD for many reasons. Plus there's a lot of overlap in symptoms. There are some differences though and definitely different strategies are necessary for addressing them. I wish people talked about this more. I didn't realize I was autistic for so long because I thought it was just CPTSD. I'm sure many others have similar experiences.
Very accurate, thank you .
I was recently diagnosed with ASD and I've been learning about a lot of this stuff for myself. I decided to click on this video to see what the differences might be in women, and was very surprised at how many of these qualities fit with my girlfriend. She has anxiety, depression, migraines and constant fatigue and is particularly picky about food and clothing for reasons related to texture and feel. I love her very much and do my best to make sure to be attentive to these things.
She often shuts down when overwhelmed, and overanalyzes many social situations, often "managing" others social interactions.
What are some strategies I can use to help make her life better and be a better partner if we are both ASD?
Thank you. I really needed to hear that!!!
I've been diagnosed wrongly with both: Bipolar and Borderline PD. Made me cry because I so don't fit either. These are a complete misrepresentation of my being... Doctors picked out a diagnosis of their choice based on very few inexplicable similar traits I have that can be found as traits of those Disorders in the DSM but ignore the complete absense of other main traits and misuse these diagnosis to hide that they don't know what it is because they refuse to check for Autism as I am a high-masking female. And they just can't see it... Now my doctors finally, after decades of seeking help, include a suspected diagnosis of Autism (age 50) in my records but still list BPD... I can't even find words to describe my grief and anger!
I see your story, hear you and will carry some of your grief for you.
Your doctors most likely don’t have any training on autism to even be able to make an informed differential diagnosis. I had to start seeing a new, young doctor when my old doctor left. I explained in exasperation my symptoms and the failed treatments I had, and brought my partner with me for support. She told me it sounded like autistic meltdowns and referred me to see a neuropsych. I was diagnosed at 37. I had been desperately seeking help through the mental health system for decades. I’m sorry you had to wait so long for your diagnosis and that they still don’t fully believe you.
@@ef2247 Thank you so much and I really appreciate your warm feedback.
THANK YOU. This is now my go to video to send to friends and family to understand what’s up with me. I am recently diagnosed and have struggled and hid all of this my entire life. I am now learning how to articulate the experience, but it’s a challenge. Having someone else say it for me is SO amazing. Thank you!!!
Can relate to all of this. Just told the other day that, even though I have secured a new appointment with a different Psychiatrist, they are not qualified to assess either ADHD or Autism. I am in Sydney, Australia, the only qualified Psychiatrist I found has a wait list of many years, and only treats children. Apparently in Australia an adult doesn't have Autism, unless diagnosed as a child. So I may be stuck with the BPD label. 😢
Check out Psychologists as well . There are some practices that are qualified to diagnose Neurological disorders such as ASD and ADHD. They may be Neuropsychologists but that is how I was diagnosed 18 months ago in Brisbane.
Also Australian, but in a different state! See if you can find a GP who specialises in dealing with neurodiversity and mental health. I managed to get an appointment with one, and my diagnosis was fast-tracked due to age and how it was affecting my whole life.
It's hard when professionals just shut you down, and tell you those avenues to diagnosis are closed off for you, without taking the time to see if there are other solutions. I wish you better luck in the future.
“Dramatic.” “Overreacting.” “Upset over nothing.” “Being ridiculous.” Those are things I heard all the time as a kid, and still sometimes do now. I didn’t know how to describe what was going on in my body, and I felt powerless to stop it, causing more problems the harder I tried. Then I saw “Frozen”, and the phrases “conceal, don’t feel,” and “the storm inside” really resonated. This video is another validating report on that storm.
As a high-masking, autistic MAN, I honestly can't see much difference between my life and many things you describe here.
It's not strictly male of female presentations, it's more of a tendency. Some men present more like this, and some women have a more stereotypically boyish presentation.
An idea for you to consider: I wonder if the high masking in either gender comes from society and parents often having higher expectations for girls and afabs. Boys and amabs are often better tolerated - "boys will be boys" - unless they aren't, and then those boys become higher masking. I think that's my spouse. He's higher masking than me, an afab.
Or maybe I've had more accumulated trauma. My parents could not regulate their own emotions and from an early age I was forced to accomodate their needs for my own safety. I think extra trauma is why it's harder for me to mask. It has been harder and harder for me to mask as I've aged and accrued more trauma.
Those two forces: the expectations that others have of the person, plus trauma load, plus perhaps other factors that I haven't considered could be why some of us are relatively higher or lower masking.
I also need to define trauma: Trauma is not the event itself, it is in the way that the nervous system becomes further dysregulated because of the event, especially if it is many tiny events over time. That is the definition of complex trauma.
Interesting but things like being late for appointments could apply to anyone surely? And my Dad and a couple of people I know are/were obcessed with being "on time" aka "early", to everyone else 😂
Yes, definitely that example could be true of many people! I am also the same way - always have to leave super early because I hate being late 😅
I also have issues with time blindness and a huge range of other executive functioning challenges - led me to overcompensate by being obscenely early and also doing very little earlier in the day leading up to things because I couldn’t figure out all the details
Diagnosed at 60. How do you know me so well?! I’d love for my family to finally understand me but at this point they don’t want to hear it or just don’t care. It’s just a fact that I’m not that important and am at the bottom of their life concerns. My instinct tells me some of them would rather s**t whisper about me instead. Sadly, it’s the life I’m now used to.
I am in my 50’s. There are others in my family that have a diagnosis of Autism. I never thought about my struggles as being autistic until a coworker asked me questions about how I deal with it. She has an autistic family member- she just assumed I was autistic because she saw similar behaviors in me. It sent me down the rabbit hole of analyzing my life and researching- including watching videos like this. When I was young it was never heard of, never talked about. Looking back there are so many things that are glaringly obvious now. I hid things from everyone because I felt out of place, not “normal “. Too many to list actually. But I don’t know where to go from here.
I bet you had so much fun doing the girl/woman scenes for this video. 😂
It's a good one though. And very useful.
I shy away from male/female autism presentation because it excludes some of us in the LGBTQ+ community, but obviously, your video is not stating that other genders can't experience these traits or difficulties. Just that autistic women often struggle in this way or go undiagnosed because of it.
Hmmm, maybe a comment at the top to correct for the fact that this way of showing or dealing with autism can also be the case for cismen and lgbtq+ sometimes? ❤
I love how Chris (and Debby) always seem to get this right! Late diagnosed earlier this year actually (I was 42, turned 43 in August) and watching this just completely validated both my childhood and adult experiences. I’m STILL told I’m “too emotional” or “intense”. And there’s no grace in the world for autistic adults. As an adult, the world expects you to have your sh*t together and “stop using ‘autism’ as an excuse”. Which leads right back to the faking normalcy cycle and routine exhaustion. Then add any mental health or chronic illness crap you got going on and it’s a recipe for straight burnout. Geez!
Meg on the "I'm Autistic, Now What?" channel just did a video on gendering autism in response to Reddit posts and TikTok videos claiming that women can't be autistic. She makes a point that there are nonbinary and trans autistic people, too. I wonder how the spectrum of autism and the gender spectrum intertwine?
I personally think that this type of Autism isn't necessarily only in women/ girls but just more prevalent in them. I think it should be classified as internalized Autism with social impetus. Because men/boys don't often have the same drive/conditioning to "fit in socially" or want the larger social groups that women/girls sometimes want. For example a lot of my amab (assigned male at birth) have attitudes of "f*** society" or society should conform to them rather than they conform to society.
I just started watching your content and it has been so validating. I don’t have a diagnosis yet but I am scheduled for testing in February 2025 (long waitlist) I am 47 years old and life has always just felt like it’s harder than it should be. A diagnosis won’t really change anything but understanding myself and allowing myself to accept things as they are and learning the correct coping mechanisms certainly will. Thank you
I LOL’d so much through this video, thank you for making it 💖I’m sending to my husband hoping it may help him decode my outward behaviors and help him understand what I’ve been internalizing…with love and gratitude from a 42 year old late (almost diagnosed) AuDHD mom (with periwinkle lavender hair 😂) of diagnosed autistic (and very likely AuDHD) 5year old.
Great video, thanks! Very relatable! I also enjoy the humor a lot!
I was quiet and shy, so I internalized a LOT (stress, social anxiety, home troubles) when I was a kid (girl, I'm now upper middle-aged).
I was often in various stages of shutdown, which instead of being noticed/helped by teachers, I received many Good Behavior awards! Ugh!
I didn't mask too well or try to fit in with other girls.
I sometimes made some friends, which didn't last long, as I was "boring", and often I wanted to be alone or stay out of the hot sun and so I often spent lunch recesses in the bathroom foyer = weird, lol.
As I became an adult, I learned to present myself a bit more normally.
Now that I'm older, I don't care about that much at all, thankfully, ha!
The only time my dad became angry with me was because of my stimming, i.e. rocking; early on, he made it very clear that he never wanted me to do that, ever.
I've let myself rock (privately) as an older adult and it (and other stims) really helps so much to release stress and to focus.
My special interests as a kid were mainly singing (privately in my room) and celebrity interests, which nobody knew about, lol, I was too embarrassed to talk to most people about anything, especially things like that.
Around 13 years of age, I became obsessive about executive functioning issues and routine, as I was very conscientious to ensure "everything got done properly" and I had to learn adulting due to family issues/lack of parental guidance.
I also started having more sleep issues around that time.
I'm a sensitive sleeper, I need my space while sleeping!
Sleep issues - dang that hit hard. I have never slept great - I am a very light sleeper and as a kid would get sleep terrors and sleep paralysis. I also hate the feeling of blankets on my feet and the feeling of someone else's breath on me. I got around this by always having my feet stick out of my blankets and when dating I would prefer to be the big spoon when cuddling - It became an even bigger issue for me when my husband had to get a CPAP machine to prevent his sleep apnea (he woke me up snoring so much I made him go to a sleep clinic lol): the air from his machine is like a cold fan blowing on me and I _loath_ it. its the worst. If he wants to cuddle at night he has to make sure to maneuver a blanket to create a wall in front of his face so his air doesn't touch me or I will wake up and be very grumpy - I've always felt somewhat bad about it but also I just cant stand the feeling. We also use separate blankets on the same bed as I can't stand being too warm or having a heavy blanket on me or having things on my feet but my husband loves heavy blankets and being completely burritoed by blankets
I am newly late diagnosed with Autism this was a great video
I absolutely love the wig my friend and think pink is definitely your color! LoL! Seriously, you hit everything dead on, and explained what it's like to be an autistic woman exactly! The struggles, the "emotional outbursts" or breakdowns, everything you said was true. Thanks yet again for your insights and for helping me see that I do belong somewhere and I do not have to be anyone else to fit in here!! I was misdiagnosed as bipolar at 25 and I have probably been put almost every psychiatric medication on the market to treat bipolar disorder and big shock, the meds never seemed to work for me, leading me to almost opt for electro shock therapy 😮😢. Thankfully, I couldn't afford the copay for that treatment at the time. I've never been so happy to be broke financially LoL 😂! You guys are awesome 😎👍 and I appreciate the videos and the fact that you are doing what you do for the autistic community!
Ok can we talk about the background in your video... it's gorgeous!!!! I want to paint it!!! second... this video is me! minus the pink wigs lol
Everything in the video describes me to a T. I was originally diagnosed with major childhood depression. And the only reason why my parents took me to a therapist was because they grew tired and frustrated with my meltdowns. Otherwise they wouldn’t have bothered. As for having an intense interest in other people, I used to make up imaginary people in my head and become intensely interested in them. This probably came from dissociating when one or both parent became more hostile and angry at me and my sister. I used to walk on my toes up until I reached the first grade. I heard somewhere that this is one possible trait in autistic girls. I still pick at my skin and walk around permanently tired at work all of the time because of the overwhelming sensory overload.
I love watching you dancing the same music over and over again with wig 😅😅😅
I do that and I sing the same music for MONTHS.
By the way, I have my ASD diagnostic only this year, at age of 41 after 20 years of therapy, different diagnosis and medications. Better late than never.
Very spot on! I was diagnosed with depression and general anxiety disorder in the past, and only after my daughter was diagnosed as autistic, that I looked for (and got) the correct diagnosis for myself.
There's 2 more unpleasant (but very common) experiences for autistic women that I would mention:
- being considered generally lazy or a tomboy because you are completely unable to wear/walk on heels, and incapable to stand the feeling of fancy uncomfortable clothing and makeup against your face for too long.
- being harassed or groped because you are not good reading other people's intentions and thus are an easier target for sexual predators.
I literally got beat when I didn’t hide these types of traits. 😬
I’ve never been diagnosed or even seen a mental healthcare professional but your videos are really encouraging me to.
i think i missed the memo of “feminine” things to have a special interest over because it’s one very specific video game franchise. oh well, the protagonist is the first female protagonist in video games!
I watched this video 7 times, 8 times? And my mind still keeps wandering off because each point touches something in me. Like the thought of, could my ability to mask be so high, that I could stop a shutdown or meltdown from actually happening?
I experienced both of it this week. It was in front of a friend who knows about my autism and on who I have a teeny tiny crush 🤭 (shyyyy!). We had a great day, a lot of fun and he made me laugh hysterically a few times. And then he asked me, if I would like to consider to move in his house with him 😳 At that point my brain RAM was already a little bit cluttered, because I'm not used to so much social interaction anymore. We talked a little bit more. He loves sarcasm and puns, which is exhausting to me. So I came to the point of a (almost) shutdown. Because I felt embarrassed about it, I pulled myself together and just focused on getting home as save as possible.
After two days we met again. I wasn't fully recovered yet. Another fun day. He made more sarcastic and punny jokes than usual because he was hyped up about something we were working on together and he wanted to try it out with me. In the meantime we got in the rain. So I was tired, my clothes were damp, my feet were cold and wet, my fingers were sticky all the time and my hair felt so heavy. So when he got impatient at one point, he said something in a harsher tone than he meant to. Time for a meltdown. Or at least almost. While driving home on the Autobahn, I kept telling myself 'Don't cry now. Some more minutes. You can do it. Some more minutes. You are almost home.' So that's how I overcame a meltdown. Or maybe I just stopped it, like stopping a volcano from an outburst by putting a pot lid on?
Another thing I found out about my masking is, I tend to conform to what I think is expected from me in order to fit in. As an example, I could and should never join a self help group for people with suicidal or self-harming tendencies. Although I don't feel that way myself, I would surely develop those thoughts in order to fit in.
This kind of behavior is really problematic in terms of dating. I used to 'consent' to things I wasn't always comfortable with, just because I thought I was expected to do it.
I think only this last point should be reason enough to put more effort in in research about autism diagnosis of females. We are good in hiding. My stimming can look innocent enough like having a mint candy. Being assessed by someone who is specialized in children feels like going to the vet as a human to me.
But I really love the light-hearted and quirky style the video(s) is/are made, otherwise it would have been really hard to watch, because so many points are hitting home hard. Love you for this! Please never change the silly ♥️
This is great Chris, I've been looking for something like this to show my boss ❤
Preach it. Thanks for making me feel understood. And I hope you were feeling confident in that wig. It was a nice touch!😅
I’m was diagnosed in my mid 40s. I’ve gradually learned to accept it but can’t accept at how worthless I feel as a mother, particularly to my 3 adult children. I struggle to relate to one of them in particular who’s everything I wish I could have been. I don’t phone them but try and check in via message and always repeat how proud I am of all. None come to see me and they all feel I think too much. In fairness I don’t go to see them as I feel they have their own lives. I also feel a great deal of hurt, anger and shame at my parenting before diagnosis. Right now my husband and family are all at a big family bbq. I went for an hour but felt I was intruding in their lives and they’d prefer it without me. This video is so accurate, Chris and has helped with some of the pain I’m feeling tonight. Thank you 🙏
My parents described me as difficult. I don't drive. People think that's odd. I think people think I am lazy. Not such an issue now I'm getting old. My daughter recognised it for me. Yes later
This video was put together SO perfectly! Thank you, thank you, thank you! Maybe now my family will understand and believe me… 😿
I'm a woman in my 30s and my special interest is gulls. It's apparently an extremely middle-aged men thing, lol.
Yes, when I was young I was just a horse-crazy girl (and crazy in other ways). Today I am a horse-crazy woman who can hold monologues about all topics related to horses. Horses are my therapist. But I have also always enjoyed dealing with insects and woodlice.
When I am overwhelmed, the best thing that helps me is headphones with metal music. Then I completely block out the outside world. I am still practicing social contacts. I was always an outsider and didn't understand others.
11:23 I didn't know I needed to hear that. I can't really explain it but hearing that made me feel understood. Probably because that "Don't do it" felt so directed at me instead of the "autistic woman" (to whom I can relate)
Thank you for doing a video for women and girls!!!!!! Loved this, felt seen!!!! And as always I related to all of the points...'oh, I do that...and that...and that...AND that...that's me! lol'. The stimming note was great because I don't do anything obvious - but then when you mentioned specific muscles - I realised actually cross my toes on my left foot when I'm emotionally uncomfortable, or grip my thumbs with my fist if I'm anxious, or generally clench my calves if I'm nervous and play with my hair. I do tend to jump and spin when I'm excited lol, or flap my feet ;)
One thing I noticed is that I grew up with a Disney expectation of life - ie. whatever was fed to me via movies, tv shows, books and parents, I kind of swallowed whole, and expected life to be exactly like that. So I had firm pictures of what relationships were meant to look like from cartoons I watched or Disney stories, or how I was meant to be treated by men. It took years and years before I slowly realised that life wasn't that formulaic, or black and white, and that realistic relationships involved a lot more than what was portrayed in romance books. I still haven't figured that all out and don't understand how other people seem to know what does or doesn't make good partner material.
I think a similar expectation was set rigidly regarding school and work too. I thought that people were measured on a scale via tests, and you just had to learn what the teacher told you to learn the way that they wanted you to learn it. I was an A grade student throughout school due to this. But university became confusing because learning topics were no longer restricted and real-world experience started counting as learning - there was no longer a limited parameter and I didn't know how to manage the parameters to learn. Then, when I started working, I slowly over the years figured out that people aren't on a scale depending on intelligence - life skills come in non-linear forms and each person has valid gifts that they offer. It took me decades to realise that my initial measure of people wasn't correct or a healthy way of determining success - and I'm admittedly annoyed that this was kind of taught to me by our school system. I do feel like because I'm autistic I adopted those rules very rigidly internally and was trying to navigate life according to them - it just didn't work.
Please can you cover attachment and romance with partners in a subsequent video? I feel like the give and take and calmness of a relationship is harder as an autistic person - and some traits and maybe tips on what to look for in a good relationship would be super helpful. I don't want to be single my whole life...
I had been nodding and smiling and being seemingly in agreement with everyone without saying so directly for 25 years before I had a breakdown. As children, girls can have an easier template for going under the radar, if they are willing to smother their soul in the process. Be quiet and look happy, or at least never look angry or sad. And remove everything else. No matter what.
I had many meltdowns as a child, but they were seen as tantrums. I was never in control of them, but they accused me of doing it on purpose of my own free will.
WHY!!!!!!!! Is this so relateable
I missed this live-stream yesterday evening because of element n°2 special interests. I'm interested in police / crime solving TV shows and murder mystery books. I just found a new one yesterday afternoon while looking for another TV show. It is now my new favourite TV show and I am going to watch it everyday for the next 3 weeks straight (AND NOTHING ELSE). It's called HPI (Haute Potentielle Intellectuelle), I live in france. I don't think there is an english version of the show. Its about a woman who has an IQ of 160 who works as a cleaner in a police station, more precisely in the detective unit. She was cleaning one night and knocked over a pile of folders. She looked at the pictures and saw the images. She went over to the board and crossed out suspect and wrote underneath and circled victim. The detectives went to look at the camera footage to see who did it and called her in. They placed her in police custody because they suspected that she was the murderer of the old man. They then released her and she got into a fight with police. She was then put back in jail. In the mean time the other detectives were wondering what she was doing tampering with it. She said that it was wrong and that she can't sleep if there's a problem, and that she has to fix it to be able to sleep. She gets released in the evening and the detectives call her upstairs to help them with the case. She tells them that she saw glue marks on a chair, pillows straight on the couch, the room super clean but the curtains there were 3, two tied with a rope one not. She said that it couldn't be the wife that was the suspect because the husband was dead, she wouldn't tie him to the chair then remove him and lay him on the floor (he was shot), so that must mean that the wife was tied up then kidnapped. Turns out her sister did it. Long story short she is insanely good at detective work. Plants in a house usually last up to 5 days in water but there was a photo taken a few days before the murder the plants were all alive. But the day of the detectives were there the plants were dead. Turns out that there was a palm tree that didn't die. Her sister had remotely controlled the thermostat through an app. Making the dead body show the time of death 24 hours after its original lime and messing up peoples allibys. The plants died because of the intense heat. Her sister was hiding her in a storage room under her apartment with the rope that should have tied the curtain.
The woman was offered a job to be a consultant to the detective team. The next episode she was late to work but brought mini donuts