If you're autistic, what are some of your experiences, and what challenges have you faced? If you are an autistic woman, were you diagnosed late due to any of the reasons we shared? Tell us about your experiences in the comments so we can all learn more together about autism in women! ⤵
I'm a self diagnosed Audhd (I can't afford an official diagnosis yet). I just found out this year at age 27. One of the biggest issues I have is keeping a clean house. There's a lot of mental and societal pressure to keep it clean. When you feel like you're operating on low battery all the time, it can feel overwhelming. Then there's the added guilt and shame from the inside and outside. "Why not just knock it out and get it over with? It would only take you 30 minutes to do." 🫠 It's hard to explain to others why I can't. Especially when they say I'm just making excuses. Then, when the energy levels come back up, I quickly overspend it, burning out quicker, doing too many tasks, trying to prove to others that I am not lazy 😥 I'm super thankful for your videos. They're very funny and informative 😁 It's helped me to not feel so alone and to know that there are other people who are like me 😊
Sorry, but my biggest difficulty with being autistic and trying to get diagnosed at 30 is exactly this gendering of autism traits. These kind of videos dont help with the problem of very high masking autists, but just moved it to boys/men who are high masking, atleast in my experience. Yes woman fly under the radar autism wise, but do we really have to do that to men to, to make it fair or what? Stop gendering autism (and any applicable condition too), it does more harm than good. Just saying these are traits of high masking autists that may, or may not, be more prevalent in woman, but are not exclusive to them would go a long way. This alone made me feel aggressive just reading the title. I love your content, it is one of the best. It helped me a great deal and I am very grateful for that. But please stop with this, what I would already call misinformation, even if its meant in good faith. I hope I worded it not too aggressive and if yes I am sorry, but this is a pain point for me.
I am almost in my 60’s and diagnosed a year ago. I have three brothers and two of them (10 years younger than me) are autistic -got diagnosed in mid 1990’s. It is a fact that autism developed by exploring, examining boys rather than girls and that balance has been keeping it way all these decades. I would like to think with a pleasure that something has changed during these years and we not need this polarization between genders, but that is not true. Without special autism ”girls and women” questionnaire form, wich I filled like a part of the medical autism research to phsyciatrical clinical examination, my diagnose will not been so succesful, I quess. All the things you got in this video are good and valid points. And thank you, you have the ARFID there too! It is not a new thing but not mensioned often. As a mother of four, I have been thinking how big stress and burden it was to fit in a good motherhood ! It is difficult in the normal situation too, but what it is when you are autistic, not understand your brains and feelings and just keep going to stay in alive! I couldn’t work outside the home or do nothing else than keep my household up and concertrating to childrens needs. I read all the education books what I got, and copy action methods from other people. When children grew up I can now understand (through my grandchildren when they are visiting us over night) how big burden it really has been. My diagnose has been very welcome to my family because it is enlightened understanding between me and my children, building something special and good ❤
Anyone else like 90% sure they are autistic, but for some reason just assume if you went to get diagnosed they would just be like “nah, you’re just struggling cuz you suck at life, go home”
Happened to me too. Went for an evaluation after being diagnosed ADHD Inattentive type. The evaluation I was given was a joke. It was geared towards a child (I was 46 at the time). They had me put together puzzles, read a children’s board book and relate the story back, describe what emotions are being portrayed by a series of emoji faces. I tried explaining my experiences to them but was dismissed. It’s incredibly frustrating because I don’t feel like I fully meet ADHD criteria, I relate so hard to ASD traits but the diagnostic protocols aren’t nuanced enough for adult women.
Legitimately happened to me! Spent nearly an hour trying to relate my experiences to a guy over video call, but all he was interested in was any developmental records from early life and elementary school. I was a little girl! In the 90s! In Texas! Absolutely zero people were recording anything about me for autism purposes. Despite my entire family being aware that I wasn't 'right', despite all my anecdotes, because he didn't have 'official records of delayed development' obviously I only was suffering from depression from my mother's passing (something like sixteen years ago at this point and absolutely irrelevant to the matters I was describing) and I was dismissed. I will be trying to go back in soon, as it's been a good four-five years since that disappointment, but it was a heavy blow and did nothing to help the severe anxiety I already struggled with. Just gave me more cause to worry endlessly about both being ignored and blaming myself endlessly for, somehow, 'faking' the symptoms I struggle with. Yay?
@@Kamemom Yes I was also told that I wasn’t fidgeting enough in front of her. Well, no fking adult would be fidgeting enough if they just got off work of 72 hours from the military my bad. I was completely exhausted that day. She knew I worked in the military so any advancements I made in my career were used against me as well. So apparently according to her if you have adhd or autism you essentially can never advance in life.
My family my whole life: "You're a strange child." Me in adulthood: "I'm being assessed for autism" My family now: "i had no idea, you always seemed so normal"
I don’t remember when/where I heard this, but it’s always resonated with me: that in young girls signs of neurodivergency are treated like behavioral choices or personality traits rather than symptoms of a disorder
I was always considered defiant. It wasn’t until I was diagnosed, as a 40 year old, and my Mom started researching it that she realized how perfectly I fit the mold for autism. So many battles were fought over certain fabrics of clothes. Jeans and flannel would put me over the edge. She also liked to keep my hair short and my stem is twirling hair. She tried so hard for me to have friends over and I would beg for them to go home after 30 min. I played alone in my imaginary world.
Healthy Gamer GG has a video about this! He calls it being a "bad woman", as in, can't meet the societal expectations normally put on women (organization, time management, self-sacrifice to fulfill all the needs of others, being hyper-functional, nurturing, intuitive, etc etc)
When I finally discovered that I enjoyed reading books I was probably 7 and you could not stop me from reading - I'd have meltdowns if people took my books away and eventually my mom just gave up and let me read while doing everything always. I needed books for escaping for calming down for learning how people behave in all sorts of situations for learning skills for expanding my vocabulary for trying to figure out relationships and just for learning in general. I love books so much. Really any kind of story telling is great to me but books hit different.
Me too!!!! Needed to hear this part of this video because I didn't know this and it explains a lot reading the comments here. I read constantly I even once took a book with me into the shower covered with zip lock bags.. ok it was more than once 😅
51 year old woman here, diagnosed six years ago. Last Friday, I went to a dinner with my middle school friends; I was perfect, sociable, well-dressed, well made-up, funny, entertaining. I talked about myself, listened to my friends' stories, nodding and making eye contact. I took group photos (with that heart-shaped hand gesture that I hate). Everything was perfect, except that afterward, I felt exhausted for three days and slept the whole time. So, to live normally for one evening, I wasted three days. 😓
This is so important, because women are under-researched in any medical field, either for mental or physical health. What makes it worse is that women tend to not get taken seriously when talking about any topic, but especuslly if it's unusual or different or controversial. Having videos about autism in women or any form of neurodivergency, coming from a man is important because it means people are more likely to listen, as sad as it is. So thank you for making this video. I'm not autistic, but I do have ADHD and I know we struggle with the same problem of being misdiagnosed or not diagnosed at all. I was diagnosed with ADHD at 44.
I’m currently undiagnosed but my 14 year old son has an official diagnosis. I relate to everything on this list. However, I do not experience meltdowns because my childhood in the 80s/90s taught me it is absolutely unacceptable for girls to have one. Now middle aged, my husband can attest to me just completely shutting down when overwhelmed. Sometimes I will go take an 8 hour nap. Screaming and crying in girls gets you labelled an over-dramatic pain in the a$$ (and could lead to a beating in the 80s). Shutting down is ignored because at least you’re quiet.
I am 41 and only now getting diagnosed, and something watching videos from people like Chris who actually have autism has taught me that in women a lot of time, meltdowns can actually be just massive crying fits when we're overwhelmed. In high school, I would come home and just crash on my bed for a couple hours; I used to think it was a heat thing (like summers were too hot) but I know now that was daily burnout. That is 100% my personal experience with meltdowns. When I burn out (which is a LOT the older I get), I just cry for days and I keep asking God WHY and I can't handle any sort of noise around me from even my pets who I normally love, and I have to shove headphones in my ear and listen to a song I know that will drown out every noise in my house. This usually happens every other month or so, but like I said the older I get, the more it happens, and I have pretty much been in a hardcore burnout for a year and a half now. Your 8-hour naps would definitely qualify, and any time you might have just felt the need to break down and cry.
YES ! same here, I am 44 and I got beaten by my mom a lot as girl. I didn't why but today I know that my autism was probably getting me in trouble because her own UNdiagnosed autism caused violent metldowns she took on me as soon as I got vocal about my needs.
Being quiet- yes I can relate to that, just sitting in the corner (as a child) reading quietly looked to them like I was being a "good girl", but actually, I'm now realising it was me shutting off when the world and my family environment became too much to handle.
"Listening to the same music over and over and over" had me laughing because I mentioned to my psychologist during my assessment that it's not uncommon for me to listen to the same album or song for WEEKS on repeat. My Spotify Wrapped a few years ago showed one song was played for 18 hours straight in ONE DAY. And if I'm not listening to The Song? I'm humming it!
lol. My TH-cam history has huge chunks that repeat. I love the “loop” option. Sometimes you just have to listen to the same song all day or evening because it, as the kids say, slaps. Mostly I do that with electronic music because it’s repetitive without huge variations.
@deirdrestatham5730 Exactly! There will be a part of a song that scratches an itch in my brain at that point in time and I can't listen to anything else for days or weeks at a time.
Same. I listen to and sing the same songs many times a day, every day. I call it my therapy playlist. I can't handle being in the car or going out in public without it.
Hard Same - I will listen to the same songs the same albums that I have loved since I was a kid (that I have on tape cassette even cuz I was a kid in the 80s) I can and will enjoy listening to the same song enough times to really deeply ingrain it into my psyche so whenever I can't listen to the song I can still play it verbatim in my head. I do the same thing for certain movies or show series... Especially ones with catchy title music/theme songs lol It low key drives my partner a little nuts as he is ADHD and listening to the same song repetitively is painfully boring to him
I am genuinely curious, do you have a desire for physical intimacy at base and feel a lack from difficulties surrounding it? For myself, my whole life I felt immensely pressured to be interested in sex and have a violent abhorrence toward the idea of someone touching me in that way. I have a comorbid diagnosis that muddies the waters but that’s my subjective experience. So, and don’t answer if it’s too prying, I’m genuinely curious if other autistic people feel like, some level of physical revulsion but also feel sad that it makes it difficult to get what feels like a need or desire met.
I love when my hubs touches me, i have an adhd diagnosis, but i hate when anyone else touches me. Thats a big part of my masking- smiling while people, even family members, touch me.
@@alexia3552 I wouldn’t say I have a violent abhorrence towards intimacy. But my initial reaction when someone touches me is to push them away (except for my children - which obviously isn’t “intimacy”.. ).. and not to give TMI but when I’m ovulating - I enjoy being touched - but the rest of the month I don’t
For me it fluctuates with my cycle. I feel oversexual during my fertile days and could have sex all day long, but have nearly no interest in it and sometimes even cuddling during the rest of the month. And since I’m quite clingy and in fear of loss, I can’t fathom the idea of a open relationship but how could I find a partner, that is fine with 3-5 days of sex and 25-50 (I’m irregular too…) of abstinence and sometimes not even sleeping in the same bed, because it sometimes makes me emotional restless….
As a neuropsychologist who specializes in autism diagnostics for people with ‘subtle’ or ‘less obvious’ autism and with a diagnosis myself, I really really appreciate your content! Very clear and well-put video, solid information, a pleasant speaking pace and a healthy dose of humor to go along with it! 👌🏻 will most definitely share with my clients! ❤ keep it up! 🍀
Diagnosed at almost sixty four. I am really weepy watching video. Even with my diagnosis, my family doesn't understand me and I was misunderstood my whole life, a whole life! Even now, they say, oh, you're too smart to be autistic. I hate that, hate being so misunderstood. I live alone and I isolate just to stay away from everyone.
I’m sorry. That backhanded compliment about being intelligent is cruel. As if people with autism are naturally unintelligent. I’m glad you stay away. You deserve to find happiness your way
@@jmo2104 my family also rejected my diagnosis. Instead, they misjudge and say bad things about my character...like saying I only care about myself because I don't always attend family events. I have come to realize that my father has narcissistic personality disorder. And so that was a recipe for disaster in a relationship with an autistic daughter. It's a pretty dysfunction family. So I'm psychologically better off with healthier people. It's important to find our tribe! And finding people that can accept you along with your diagnosis is critical.
Aww my lovely I totally understand ur plight . It's been the same for me my entire life ❤ sending you a big hug & lot's of love from Amanda in Blackpool England UK 🩷💎
Autistic woman diagnosed at 59. It really explained sooooo much of my childhood and my adult life as well. I can not stand sunshine. It is too bright, too hot, too intense. To me sunny days are loud and harsh. Like the day has sharp, jagged edges. I love cloudy, rainy days. They're absolutely the best.
I struggled with bright or flashing lights and noises when growing up and they really bother me again in my 60s. I guess I was strong enough in my middle years to tolerate it. I can be in sunshine for the most part but grey skies is too depressing. If the skies are grey for more than a day I'm ready to climb into a hole.
Me too. I love living in the Pacific Northwest where it’s dark and rainy all winter. I own dozens of sunglasses and light blocking curtains for the summer.
I can definitely relate! I was diagnosed in April of this year, at 41 years old. I cannot stand the sun! It's way too harsh on my eyes. Before I saw this video, I was like, "maybe I need to go out into the sun more and just get used to it", but after watching this video, it was a relief knowing that it's not just me. The sun really does suck! LOL!
“Dramatic.” “Overreacting.” “Upset over nothing.” “Being ridiculous.” Those are things I heard all the time as a kid, and still sometimes do now. I didn’t know how to describe what was going on in my body, and I felt powerless to stop it, causing more problems the harder I tried. Then I saw “Frozen”, and the phrases “conceal, don’t feel,” and “the storm inside” really resonated. This video is another validating report on that storm.
I just kept hearing lazy. It's still a word that triggers me. Maybe they were right though? But I feel more stuck than lazy. I know what I should do but I can't make my body do it.
I never once thought about my reading as being a restrictive interest linked to autism. But looking back and how I would CONSTANTLY have a book in my hand (even when I was supposed to be sleeping or in school or when it made me sick trying to read in the car) it makes so much sense.
Me too! I learned to read really young and I read constantly. I couldn’t go anywhere without a book, sometimes two books because I was too close to the end of my current book.
The only way my parents could punish me was to deprive me of going to the library (it was every saturday morning). Their friends would be shocked at them taking her books from their daughter because they wished their kids read!
No realllll. I would deadass always have a book on my desk and would pull it out whenever the class would get slow. I remember reading whole books during math classes bc they were so easy
I'm a woman who didn't get my ADHD diagnosis until I was 30 and I got the autism after that. I'm also a Black woman. I'm glad that the conversation about how gender and diagnosis intersect, so I'm looking forward to the conversation about ethnicity and diagnosis intersect too!
Girl we might be waiting a long time for that. Intersectionality is a difficult topic sadly. Once we can figure out that more than one thing can be a problem at the same time then maybe black people might get to see these issues being discussed
Don't forget longer processing time. I ended up getting called things like "Dingy Debbie". And there were dumb blonde jokes too. I would miss pieces in group conversations because they would go too fast. Even though I was actually very intelligent, taking a little longer to process and laugh at jokes was noticeable. Eventually I learned to watch everyone else and just play along although I was lost. Also, autistic women het sexually assaulted at higher rates. It took me too long to process what was happening socially, and I ended up in a vulnerable situation that I never expected. Predators also pick up on when a girl is not processing the situation quickly enough. So the prey on that vulnerability. Plus, autistic women can be too trusting and naive. Struggling socially causes excess loneliness and desperation at well. And when too frustrated with failures, social compromises are often made, causing us to be taken advantage of by all kinds of people. Our society teaches us that if a girl is pretty and quiet, she can still get a date. That's a recipe for disaster with high masking autistic women. And it often results in ending up in abusive relationships.
When I was a little girl I was so focused on Ötzi the Iceman. I would basically meet someone, greet them "Hey, I'm (my name). Did you know Ötzi the Iceman, an over 5 thousand year old ice mummy found by hikers in the Italian Alps had tattoos? He also wore shoes stuffed with grass. " I still love Ötzi, I would love to go his museum in Italy. I had other interests too, but they were definitely things I also hyper focused on. Titanic, ancient history, dinosaurs and other ancient lifeforms, the US civil war ( the past in general). My parents took me to Gettysburg PA when I was 7 and I became overwhelmed with emotions and solumn thoughts being in the presence of the battlefield. Adults often described me as an old lady trapped in a kid's body.
I can so relate! I was nicknamed after a silent movie star Sarah Barnhart… actually I was paraphrased Sarah Heartburn because I was so overly dramatic.
I would have loved to listen to all your fun facts (I’ve heard of Ötzi before but I’m sure you have all kinds of knowledge). My twin brother also knows all about Gettysburg! We’ve been there several times and we always visit the 20th Maine Monument. He loves Joshua Chamberlain!
I've watched so many "autism in women" videos searching if I really fit in with it (the questioning! the impostor syndrome!), but this is the first that really hits true and core to my experience as very high-masking in ways I've never thought of before. Thank you always so much for your content!
Same! I've been questioning my self-diagnosis a LOT lately, and so worried and embarrassed that my identification was wrong. This video has been so spot-on! Thank you Chris & Debbie. I feel heard and seen. (And that last little bit in the out-takes where you tap yourself on the forehead and tell yourself you're "stupid" is ME 100%!!)
My husband tend to say this to me often although I tried to explain, that I just could not. Then in my pregnancy I felt so unbelievable good I really could "just do it" even if I had a bad day and finally understood, what he meant - everything seemed so much easier to achieve and I wonder, if NT feel this way everyday. Because of this he understood, too, that I just can't outside my pregnancy.. I just can't. Maybe the world find's a good charger for us! Or lets more people understand.. or both. Both would be nice :'D
I grew up as the child that acted like an adult, I liked to read, have philosophical conversations, and got a long with people 10-20 years older than me but could not for the life of me form social bonds with people in my age range (and what I felt was bonds with adults was I'm pretty sure them just humoring me). I was always scolded for taking a "tone" but never knew what that tone was, I have found some ways to understand that as an adult but it still happens when I'm in high stress situations and I don't realize I'm doing it until I see on someone's face that I'm pissed them off or upset them (I don't see it at all over the phone which makes that so much worse). I have gone through periods of hyper somnia, sleeping 18-20 hours a day, even when in ADHD meds. I have been on pretty much every depression med known to man without much success (until recently) to the point where my psychiatrist was saying we were running out of options and might need to try shock therapy. I got more stories (I'm 35, been dealing with this a long time) but I have never had an official autism diagnosis yet when I watch videos like this I pretty much tick every box.
You sound just like me! If you haven't tried DBT therapy yet, please do! I can't handle any psychiatric meds and talk therapy just left me confused. DBT teaches emotional regulation SKILLS that apparently come naturally to other people 😅. Gave me my life back.
I did TMS the modern shock therapy after every med under the sun even seizure therapy And I did see a lot of progress and this happened during 2020/2021 but I resonate with you experiences
From childhood, I was never able to control the intensity of my emotions. I cried easily and often. Both of my parents fussed at me about this. As I got older, this didn’t change unless I was in a happy, safe environment. I am highly sensitive and still easily cry. Textures have always bothered me, certain lights, sharp and loud noises, too many people talking at once. I masked through my adulthood, putting on the “proper” face in public, but as soon as I got home I would meltdown from the exhaustion of keeping up appearances. I have always needed a level of control in my life and if UN achievable, I would feel so helpless and despondent. This list could go on and on, but I hope what I wrote helps someone!
You are me! I experienced all of these too! My mother would get so mad at me because I would have empathy for anyone going thru tough times, or I'd always try to defend someone bc I didn't think it was fair to speak about someone behind their back. I HATE the feeling of tweed and heavy cotton, or anything around my neck. Socks suffocate me, bracelets choke my wrists, and turtlenecks should not even exist!! 🙆🏻♀️🙆🏻♀️ I'm 43, and my daughter got confirmed diagnosis in March of 2023 and ever since then I've been on my journey of figuring Me out because we are SO much a like. She is literally my carbon copy. She feels almost more like a twin of me than my daughter at times... Weird, I know. Thanks for sharing
@@yolandacastillo-newsome2697 Oh, did you also got in trouble because you defended someone who couldn't or didn't speak up for themselves? I went from being the awkward person in school that was left alone to the shunned person. I always knew that I would get in trouble for speaking up, but I couldn't not do it. It would have be wrong.
@@ruthbarrett8907 The need for a certain level of control is so exhausting 😥 A boyfriend once said that I needed my rituals around waking up and going to bed with him. And he was right. With a slight slip up it was like the whole world would shatter around me. But I found out something about my crying. I do it easily and especially the time after my self realization, that I'm an autist. I don't necessarily cry because I'm sad or upset. I cry when I got more emotions than I can handle at that time, like a overflowing cup 🤯 Maybe it's something that's absolutely clear to everyone, but I'm still mind blown about it, and stopped berating myself for being a cry baby😅
- textures yes. Having to touch everything (clothes) in a store but then touching The Bad Texture and having to wipe it off! Velvet makes my mouth weirdly dry? - lights. Big light can't be on. Little lights only - literally sat on a boy and beat him up for chasing my friend. Got suspended, he didnt. Accidentally broke another kid's skull open pushing him because he was tugging on my best friend's ponytail... he had to get staples - reading at a 5th grade level in 1st grade. Cant do math for shit - sharp/loud noises scramble my brain!!!! - too many people talking at once means i hear none of them but i do hear someone throwing food away 50ft from me 😅 subtitles for life ......... oof........... do I have a problem? 😓
@@yolandacastillo-newsome2697 YES YES YES>.....same here...with the clothing stuff......turtleneckss LOLOLOL and braceletts...I wear only earrings for jewelry.....SOCKS LOLOL....I grew up in maine....as an adult I had an old lady neighbor and I went to her house in winter.....and took off my shoes and had NO SOCKS On ...she scolded me and said why don't you have socks on in winter......I told her it was against my religion......the look she gave me....LOIL....but ya I can't wait to get home and rip off my " going out clothes" to put on my comfy worn out clothes....I hate feeling constricted in any way at all.....
I'm also a woman in her 40s and seeking out psychotherapy for the first time in my life because of mid-career burnout/workplace bullying trauma/general midlife crisis and I dunno whether to mention this or not. I've been pretty aware that I might be on the spectrum since early in university days (thanks WIRED magazine for bringing the idea into pop culture) but I've never mentioned it to anybody except my immediate family until very recently. I dunno whether it's worth bringing up to the therapist when the main issue I want to deal with is career problems.
@@megabigblur Do it. Workarounds and accommodations to prevent burnout (as well as cognitive/behavioral therapy) will be different for autistic people than for neurotypical people. Knowing that you suspect you might be on the spectrum might change the way your therapist helps you deal with your current problems.
The social exhaustion, the meltdowns over little things, the super focused topics of interest, the spotty task management, the skin picking. It's all resonation pretty hard with me. My fiance and I have wondered for years now if we both might be on the spectrum, but this video really checks more boxes for me than I had realized before.
Back in the 80s, my mom was a substitute teacher for a special ed class, and to this day she will tell the story about the boy who was obsessed with vacuum cleaners. He was introduced to her, and the first thing he did was whisper - what kind of vacuum do you have? He knew all the brands and model numbers.
I recently had someone comment on the frequency with which I wear sunglasses and I *lied* to them (which I hate doing) saying that bright lights can trigger migraines for me. I've never had a migraine in my life. But it's easier to explain to someone that I get headaches (that's woman stuff, right? 🙄) than to say that I can't tolerate bright lights, I hate squinting, and I prefer that people don't have full access to my facial expressions because they always misinterpret the "face" I'm making.
Unsure if I am actually autistic but I relate to all of that. Back when I was in uni, the spotlights in the lecture rooms were so unbearable. Not a pair of sunglasses but I still wear a mask these days because of the same reason. I do not want to be perceived or constantly monitor my expressions... So exhausting.
Diaagnosed at age 70... 71 now. I would add that my love language is 'information sharing. Also, I was tested in 2nd grade due to isolating behaviors, and the results came back that I am gifted... circa 1960 :P Professionally, I was a Jungian therapist and meditation teacher before retiring==perfect mask 🤪' And, while some professionals say those of us who have gone so long without diagnosis/support are 'feral', I prefer 'wild' 😁
I do like the word « feral » 😆 It’s a word often associated with cats. 😊 I’m so glad that you could finally get the right diagnosis! 🫶 I was diagnosed with ADD 2 years ago, at 40. It was such a relief, because it was the starting point of understanding myself better and getting the specific help I need to live better with it. I blame myself way less than I did before for things I (and everyone else) assumed were laziness or simply due to my bad sleeping and eating habits. I wish I had my diagnosis much sooner though.
This is honestly the first time I've ever watched or read anything that has me seriously considering that I might be on the spectrum. I never thought I checked enough boxes. But this video feels almost directly written about me.
I'm often haunted by the memory of learning that other girls sometimes said mean things "for fun" and to make others laugh. So I made fun of a friend because she didn't have internet in the early 2000s. I MADE OF FUN OF HER FOR BEING POOR AND THEN I DIDN'T UNDERSTAND WHY SHE DIDN'T WANT TO TALK TO ME 😢
I was the awkward girl that would get stared at when I was asked to accompany another girl or group to the bathroom and would always decline. I had NO IDEA they were going to go gossip and check each other’s makeup. I thought maybe they all had urination schedules that lined up so they all had to pee at the same time. I didn’t want anyone else to listen to me pee. 😂
Spot on sir. I'm still not diagnosed as Autistic. I was once as an adult diagnosed as Bipolar, but I knew people who were Bipolar, and i knew i wasn't, so i refused the meds the doctor wanted to put me on. Now I'm old, I'm a grandmother, so i don't need one. As a child, i was labeled emotionally disturbed. I was in my 30's when at a friend's house, i noticed a medical book with disorders from a to z. Of course i had to read it. I got to Autism. When i was finished reading it i started to cry, it was me, i also realized it was my youngest child. I did have him tested. I'm glad i did, his school was able to use his diagnosis to help with his education.
While perhaps I don't NEED a diagnosis at 60, I still yearn for one. Is it autism? ADHD? Could I have a better future if I knew why I've been this way my whole life? At least, I'm trying to acknowledge my differences to myself and allow myself to recharge, stim, 'not do social', and just be what I am without self-criticism.
I've been diagnosed as depressed. I've had people tell me they think I'm depressed. I've never really felt that way, I just felt I needed to be alone. People depress me!
I struggled badly with almost everything listed here until my mid twenties, when I developed better coping mechanisms. I didnt come from a family that emphasizes mental health. What a strange comfort it is to see videos like this now, at 30, that help me articulate some of those challenges. I may never ask for a diagnosis... But what a comfort it is, truly.
I’m undiagnosed, but I felt like you were describing me throughout this video. I don’t think I’ve ever said “omg that’s ME!” so many times for a video before. 🤯
I am also undiagnosed. I finally connected the dots while talking to my friend about her autistic son this year. I will be going to a specialist for screening. Thank GOD I have insurance right now. I tried to explain it to my mother and she LOST IT! So, I’m sure there will be a family therapy session in our future. 😅 Here’s to making our lives more livable! I hope you are able to get diagnosed and have answers and treatment!❤
I'm also undiagnosed, and I recognised almost everything that was spoken about this this video. My family always told me I was weird growing up, and I think that's really affected how I see myself. I'm 41 and I feel like I've finally managed to put the pieces together and figure out what is wrong with me.
About special interests...Maybe it gets dismissed in the girls. But apparently if a grown woman likes cats just a bit too much, there IS a social stigma...according to certain people. There does seem to be a lot of autistic women who have a thing for cats. Personally, for me, I identify with them. And sensory wise, they are extremely pleasing. Whereas dogs can sometimes be loud and smelly and rough and slobbering. I feel like cats and I are on the same wavelength. And we both don't enjoy loud noises and abrasive people.
🤔 Dunno if it’s exclusive to women, but I always had trouble keeping peers of my own age as friends. It was so much easier to hang out with the older siblings or the older kids at church, or the much younger siblings. To the older ones, they couldn’t understand how I was so mature and quiet, so they tended to dote on me. For the younger siblings, I was looked up to like the cool aunt because I was into all of the same “young kid” stuff they were into, but with the knowledge of someone who had hyper focused and was just bursting to share that info excitedly with someone else who cared. Girls my own age always just thought of me as “weird” or childish. “She still plays with Barbies! She still plays with My Little Ponies! She still plays dress-up!” I hated people my own age. Also, it was often much easier to hang out with boys than other girls. When girls got into crushes and boy bands and makeup and fashion, I was into ninja turtles, legend of zelda, and power rangers. And video games and skateboarding. The older brothers could never figure out why they didn’t have a cool younger sis like me. Oh, and another stim - related to hair twirling: hair petting. I had a million ponies, and petted their hair all the time. I had dolls with straight as the day hair, so I could pet their hair. And yet another stim? Putting together and taking apart toys. I couldn’t do make believe play - I just lined toys up and then was done. But hand me a transformer, or sweet secrets, or a mega zord, and I would sit there for hours changing it from humanoid mode to disguise mode and then back again. Hooooours. Just changing the mode.
I always got on better with people not in my peer group, though until recently I would've sworn that came from being homeschooled. I recall the neighbor lady getting troubled by the fact that I enjoyed playing with her toddler (I was maybe six) and forbidding it. Girls my age were weird and they all liked things that didn't matter to me (Barbies, boys, makeup -- I never wear makeup except for Halloween), but I would play along with their interests because it felt like the right social move and I didn't have a lot of options. As an adult, my best friend and several of the closest friends I've ever had have all been about half my age (in their twenties while I'm in my forties). This no longer surprises me, but it does make me a bit wistful at times, like I somehow got born too early to bond with the right people at the right age or something.
Oh wow, you wrote my experience here, a lot of my friends were my mother's age or are way younger than me. I have one good close friend throughout my adult life -but the rest is transient for the most part. And, as I was reading your post I thought...yeah, I liked to play with my brother's transformers and then you wrote you did (lol) and really, although I 'pretended' to like the boy bands and was assigned a member to have a crush on...I just went along to fit in. My real first kinda wishful crush was on Optimus Prime because in the cartoons I watched whenever I could - he was kind, intelligent, an excellent measured leader AND had a sexy voice. Haha. I didn't even feel bad about saying that out loud cause actual character over everything was the most important to me. Still is. Even if that character was a character. LOL
6:34 - "ahhh. She's just being moody today. " Maybe you thought this but didn't feel right saying it, but another common "reason" others assume is "she must be on her period."
Yes. Especially because being ON your period can be physically overstimulating in many ways, and most of the autistic/adhd population with a working womb will experience some kind of regular mood outburst or mood swing during a period - so if someone knows them, and they're 'moody', it's just a 'normal' outburst and 'they must be on their period'... :/
@jayabee - I felt that. It's been 20 years since my hysterectomy. And maybe I'd have noticed mood things more if the pain wasn't so g-d excruciating every month.
@@EsmereldaPea Tell me about it. I had debilitating cramps every month as a teenager. Written off as "being dramatic." When I had my son, some of my labor contractions were not as bad as the monthly cramps.
@karenjohnson9904 - ugh. I'm so sorry. When I first went to see someone (good) in university, she explained about prostaglandins (they stimulate uterine contractions) and prescribed an anti-prostaglandin (now sold OTC as Aleve/naproxin sodium), she explained that essentially I was going through labor every month. I took loads of that for decades (and as a result can't take it anymore). I wasn't able to get pregnant (endo), so it's validating to hear your description. Hoping things are better for you!
@@EsmereldaPeaThis part!! I realized what I thought was maybe a reproductive organ issue was actually a hormone issue. Less painful periods meant more mental energy to realize "hey, I'm having really bad symptoms of what is probably pmdd"😅
This video makes me feel very seen. It represents people like me who lack a diagnosis in their 20s because we "function so well" and clinics are booked up. I need to pace for hours a day to soothe my mind and work through my thoughts. I really want to meet more young women like me 😊
The more I learn about autism in girls and women, the more my heart aches for friends and acquaintances who may never realize they’re living with autism or AuDHD. Many of them struggle with anxiety, depression, and self-loathing, unaware of the underlying cause. I’ve been there, and I see it in them. But I know there’s only so much I can do or say to encourage them to explore whether neurodivergence might resonate with their experience. I just know that I am finally at peace with myself. And I want this for them.
I feel it. I send good videos like this one to women that i know they are in the spectrum too and they dont know yet... but most of them believe i send it only for me and my dx. The " click" is not redy for them .... but i keep trying.
After one particular meltdown I told my husband and adult kid that if I texted them 🧠☠ that meant I was in full on shutdown, to please bring me food and water, shut the door and leave me alone until I reset. Even when I can't form a full sentence I figured I could do at least that much. Having a prepared code has reduced my fear of melting down too. I am glad this is becoming better understood. As a woman pushing 60 I have had a lot of these challenges my whole life but the medical knowledge was lagging behind. I was a lot harder on myself then because I didn't understand my brain.
Oh I know that feeling 'Just tell me what's wrong?' 'Why won't you speak to me?' 'Well if you won't talk to me I can't help you!' Followed by their anger...
I can add a little tidbit about the high percentage of people with anorexia nervosa meeting criteria for autism- being severely underweight affects brain function in ways that end up mimicking autistic traits! I work in this field with young people- often ASC may be suspected while someone is very underweight, however as they recover (i.e. restore weight) and their brains change, autistic traits do sometimes disappear. Fascinating!
Wow, that is interesting. It makes me wonder how much autism can be treated by diet changes. Maybe people with autism metabolize food differently and would benefit from something like paleo, keto, carnivore, etc...? Or maybe some of them with more minor autism symptoms are really suffering from one or more food intolerances. I wouldn't be too surprised, considering the state of the food industry.
@@Pink-Indiana I'm sorry you're going through a difficult time! Definitely seek help if that is possible for you as it's incredibly hard to do without support-- from professionals and people around you. A starting point could be accessing an online helpline or speaking with your doctor. I wish you all the best x
3:50. And it can be so much more. Alot of people comment on my mouse sneeze and how "cute" it sounds. What they don't understand is I spent wayyy too much of my childhood actively controlling my "loud" sneeze. Now it IS naturally occuring, but dangnabit, it was hard earned.
@MirageAtPlay I am a mouse sneezer...hate loud noises When I hurt myself I whisper ouch...I thought it was because I did not want to scare my children.
I remember teaching myself to react "cutely" to falling, slipping, getting hurt, etc. when I was a young teen. In retrospect, that's a little depressing.
Omg finally someone else who does that. I get super irritated at people with those loud screaming sneezes. “I can’t help it!” Yes. Yes you can, you can teach yourself like I had to teach myself, there is no reason everyone needs to have a heart attack because you scream while you sneeze.
Omg yes, i had to teach myself to sneeze through my nose because my natural sneeze was just so goddamn loud. (it's still kinda loud through my noise but if i try and stifle it any more it hurts like a bitch for ages)
I didn’t get diagnosed until I was 37, despite testing into the severe severity in ASD for all categories but social communication, which was moderate severity. I had a childhood diagnosis of ADHD, dyscalculia, and dysgraphia. I had to drop out of high school due to not being able to handle it. I had meltdowns my entire life. Once I tried seeking help as an adult, I was diagnosed with BPD, bipolar, OCD, you name it, someone misdiagnosed me with it. Repetitive thinking, rigidity, emotional dysregulation, sensory issues, self-injury =personality disorder to the psychs I saw, completely due to gender bias and me appearing as a cute, masking girl. I went on disability at age 21. I took pills, did DBT, exposure therapy, all sorts of harmful treatments that never addressed the root cause of my functioning problems. Now I’m in college, in my 40’s, with the accommodations I always needed, working towards becoming a therapist.
All the best for you! So many people say, they are old with 40 and sometimes don't expect more from life. But in lifes like ours it is still so much to discover, enjoy and live because of all those things we could not do or failed to do because we did not know.. I am 37 and got diagnosed with ADHD this year. Not sure if Borderline and/or Autism are there, too. Reading your story reminded me of my life. You give me hope!
Looping songs is definitely one of my favourite things to do. One time i listened to just a single song pretty much 24/7 for an entire week. But what can I do, it was my mood, i needed my mood song
Autistic woman, 47 now, diagnosed about 10 years ago. I have struggled all my life with social interactions, sleep, time and task management but have managed to "fake" my way through... which I can tell you, is an exhausting way to function every day!
I am 62 and have not been diagnosed but relate to these videos so much. I'm so tired of people dismissing me when I try to express what I'm experiencing.
I think part of the restrictive food issue is also that being skinny is important for girls, therefor being skinny is one way we can fit in better since we can't do all this other stuff that would make us acceptable. And then we turn our hyperfocus on learning about and then implementing best strategies for achieving it. I didn't go this way but my sister did. She's in her 60s and still struggles with it. Once again I am floored by how accurate your vids are. "Difficult," and "overreacting," stand out for me but all the points you made were accurate. My family and the kids and teachers at school made so much fun of my stims I stopped out of pure mortification. I hate to be perceived and it was only drawing attention to me. I cannot sleep near others and when I finally put my foot down for having a separate bedroom it was such a breakthrough for my mental AND physical health. Not that I sleep well now, but at least I'm not laying their seething at someone else's perfectly normal behavior all night. Haha for my high school graduation picture quote I wrote something about having gone through life learning to mimic everyone else to survive. *obvious* I can't convey how much I hate showers. I hate the water on my face, I hate being blind without my glasses, I hate the sharp sting of water on my skin, and I hate the tickly feeling when it's running down me. I hate the eczema flare up from the shampoo and conditioner even though I buy unscented un-everything super inoffensive products. I hate forgetting the order in which I'm supposed to do everything for it simply because I'm too aggravated to think straight. I hate my long wet hair touching me after as I'm trying to dry and get dressed and I hate the feeling on my fingers of touching it to move it out of the way. I do LOVE the feeling of rubbing the shyte out of my face with a wet facecloth though, that is so enjoyable. It is such a mental and emotional effort to force myself in there and some days I just can't make myself do it, no matter how much I need to. I do try to have that be the ONLY mentally exhausting thing I do in a morning but some days it's so overwhelming that having the shower so I can go to the job means I can't actually go to the job. Or I'll be unable to get in there for days and miss a whole week of work. It's hard staying employed.
Girl, I relate to you so much 😭 For a while, I would only take showers every 7-10 days. One adjustment that I’ve made is cutting my hair shorter- rn I have a pixie cut and it makes showering waaay more tolerable lol
I still have dreams that I'm hours late to work and am a walking greaseball. Everything you said resonates with me. I know I smell unclean, I don't care. I would rather stink than live in my skin during or after a shower. I even got caught by my daughter, yelling at a video because an "expert" claimed it's not the hair, it's contaminants on the hair.. BS in running water, after cleansing, me hair aggravates my skin to the rage inducing point.
@@intensestare5027 I'm so jealous. That used to be my solution but now I'm too disabled to get down and back up again. I used to spend 2+ hours in the bath at a time! Now I can only scratch that itch in the hot tub at the local pool, which means being in public, which will never be the same(not to mention I'm allergic to chlorine so I actually itch).
That was so precise! Just being diagnosed 6 months ago and two years ago hitting 50 I got a clue the first time in my life. Thank you for acting female. Liked the background a lot. Unfortunately I was distracted by your intensely reflective stimmer and movements of your hands. As well as the clouds' quick popping up, introducing a new topic, although I like the design. Made it a little hard for me to watch & listen (I didn't want to miss your female acting). Again: brilliant content! Thanks a lot!
Especially for professionals! I had my therapist AND psychiatrist both ask me, at different times “Why does it matter to you if you’re autistic and/or have ADHD?” I was flabbergasted. Why would I NOT want to know about my own life? They are both content with treating my Depression, not so much my anxiety (won’t prescribe any benzos for anxiety & panic attacks - even though they work miracles!) They said ADHD and Autism DXs are usually for children and are very difficult to assign DX in adults. Basically they were like, don’t make us work, we want to just give you a pill and send you on your way. Don’t be so complicated.
MFCCs often miss diagnosis, and 4:25 can tend to "see" or focus on "trauma". A lot of their advice can help, but is way more effective, when you know the why. Helps to interpret how that person views their past and current interactions.
Im literally SOBBING watching this because I could’ve have known so much sooner if anyone payed attention when i was a kid. Im 31 and didn’t get the answer till 3yrs ago. It’s so obvious and clear now
I was diagnosed ADHD at age 40 and now have hit a bad burnout at 41 while I’m feeling a strong connection to Autism. Of course I’ve done a deep dive the last 6 weeks and this video was so well done and 100%. I’m now confident I’m in an chronic stress led autistic burnout (as a female farmer during climate change, single mom with an autistic son and neurotypical son, who moved farms and homes during busy season only to be in the biggest debt of my life - yayyyyy). But this particular video and podcasts, articles, videos like it are helping people like me AND helping those who love me better understand how to help me find my better healthier version of me. Thank you ❤
Keep listening to the doctors and you'll soon become the disease they claim you have. There are no tests for ADHD or autism. Look for the cause instead of looking for symptoms.
I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart. I today got my diagnosis of autism with ADHD at 42 years old. Never in a million years would I have come down this path had I not stumbled onto your channel. Thank you so much.❤❤❤
Thank you for sharing this - it makes us so happy to hear that we’ve been helpful in your journey 🥹 and best of luck as you get started on the process of rediscovering yourself! Feel free to share some of what you learn along the way too - that journey is also so unique for each of us and I’m sure other people in our community will appreciate hearing about this too ❤️
Everything you’ve touched on hits the right (wrong?) nerves. I grew up in an era where ASD was barely recognized. My parents responded in very negative ways, shaming me, blaming me, name-calling - ‘what could be easier than sitting around looking pretty’, was their reasoning. Glad I finally understand more about myself and my experiences.
I was born in 1980... There's no way my mother would have ever acknowledged a diagnosis for me even if it was recognized back then. She tells me, now, to not talk about it in front of my daughter and maybe she'll just forget she has it 😂😂😂 🙄🙄😳... That's not quite how it works 🤦🏻♀️
I have never felt more seen than I do right now. I knew I was high masking. I didn't realize so many other things I did were part of that. I swear, you just described my entire life from earliest memories to now. I have never been officially diagnosed because back in the 1970s and 80s, girls didn't have autism unless they were non-functioning. I was a rare case that actually DID get an ADHD diagnosis (called 'hyperactivity disorder' at the time) but the only options were Ritalin or nothing. At the time, it was being overprescribed to get kids to be pliant and obedient rather than to help them function, so my mom made the difficult choice not to medicate me. She did everything she could to help through diet, activity, interests, etc. But I've only been medicated for it for about 3 years now. First time in my life I could hear myself think. Which also allowed some clearance of symptoms where I was able to notice how VERY autistic I am. My grandmother was a special ed teacher back in the day, and was a progressive thinker, so she always believed I was on the spectrum. There was simply no way to verify. And by high school when more options became available, I was so fully masked, I seemed functional and fine, if a bit weird and scattered often. So nothing was done. I'm working on getting an official diagnosis once I'm feeling brave enough to try again. (The last time went very poorly with a psychiatrist who got sidetracked discussing ADHD and how it was grown out of in most adults. Not at all what I was there for, but ok great please tell the person living with re-diagnosed adult ADHD more about how I'm deluding myself. Thanks. I see why you make the big bucks.) Anyway, yeah. Thank you for this video. I plan on sharing it to my family and friends because WHOA. 😳
Diagnosed with ADHD, depression, anxiety, OCD and anorexia but autism not suspected until my seventh decade! My brother is autistic and likely my father but I was far better at masking than either of them so flew under the radar for decades.
It’s frustrating to discover your neurology late in life, but it’s good you have an understanding now. You can better understand why you do what you do… instead of always thinking you aren’t right.
Are you officially diagnosed or are you just recognizing it in yourself? I'm 56 and seriously wondering about this. A lot of this video is hitting me hard. I'm also wondering if there's any point in an official diagnosis.
I was told they suspected co morbid ASD at the end of my ADHD test. They said I’d been stimming throughout the appointment but I wasn’t really aware I’d been doing it since I’m always doing it 🤷🏻♀️ I didn’t want to go back onto another lengthy waiting list (UK based) so I decided I’d just carry on coping like I’ve done all my life. I had a hard time at school, university and work but things improved when I went self employed because I can now make up my own routines and don’t have to be “social” or play by someone else’s rules. If you’d like to find out I think you should try to get tested. My ADHD diagnosis made me start being a lot kinder to myself and giving myself permission to be “different” and not worry so much about it. Good luck with whatever you decide 😊
Love the way you explain things. It’s really helped sharing your videos with those in my life who don’t understand, me and/or ‘my explanations, when they ask about it.
High masking until i randomly hit the emotional wall. Learning to recognize the edges of the abyss has been helpful. I regularly hit overwhelm especially when stressed. Late diagnosed Adhd, also suspected auDhd. I hate executive disfunction. 😖
Me too. Diagnosis was Inattentive ADHD with Autism, so AuDHD, but to make the autism “official” apparently requires a separate diagnosis, and another 3+ year wait. The ADHD meds have helped so much, but my stimming has become more obvious. I’m 62. This video just sums me up 100%.
I haven't been diagnosed, but I have been called "too sensitive" since I was a very young child. I was my mom's pickiest eater. I have almost every thing on this list. But I'm 50 years old and I wonder what difference would it make for me to be diagnosed. This video hits so hard. I'm crying now.
My 17 yr old dtr is recovering from anorexia nervosa, has GAD, sleep issues, persistent fatigue, emotional lability(as perceived by me), and exhibits rocking, angry/defensive outbursts, as well as almost never flushing the toilet, closing an exterior door, cleaning up after self. I am going to move ahead and having her evaluated, as her twin sister was diagnosed two years ago. Thank you for this video. It is a call to Action. I want her to have as targeted a therapy experience as possible. I am so proud of how far she’s come, and she is engaged in therapy.
As a kid I mostly looked like a very shy girl who was a voracious reader. Reading was one of the only ways I knew to short circuit and calm the terrible anxiety spirals I went into over social things all the time. I had at least a dozen special interests over time as I was very aware that other people were entirely uninterested in them, so once I exhausted the joy of learning about something over weeks or months it was no fun to keep it bottled up to myself. As an adult I finally found some interest in hobbies other people do, so at least I could join a community where something like a rant about spinning yarn from cat hair was welcome and engaging to others, rather than being frowned on.
I was silently upset my mother insisted mills and boon books were best for a teen than the enid blyton books. I still dont like adult books much. I basically was told i was no longer old enough for the books. I hold narnia close. A book my grandparents gave me as a teen. But the small relationship fell apart with my mother kid teens. She told me she not know whats wrong with me. Not that she spent much time with me, left alone to figure things out myself, with younger siblings (the eldest 8 yrs younger than me). Maybe i am autistic 🤷♀️. I do wonder if environment also makes a person autistic. If raised in a good environment, easier to function. I have a retreat function, not so much a meltdown one.
Your mention of childhood special interests awoke the long forgotten memory how between ages 8 - 10 I became a specialist about the history of Scotland Yard and Pinkerton. Well, about as much a specialist as a girl could be before the internet was common.
I always get hesitant when being suggested a new video about this topic, but I'm happy to say that yours was a very insightful and thoughtful analysis of our struggles. Thank you for helping me feel seen.
I was "gifted" and "awkward" my whole life and even though I'm male I am queer as well and I think often us queer folks guys can fly under the radar in the same way girls do. Of course this is just my experience but I've known a few more AuDHD guy guys and for the most part are undiagnosed because of our special interests and inherent "otherness" already present.
I'm an enby. I think that being autistic is specifically what makes it hard for me to fit into the "female" box. As soon as I saw the word autigender I said, yeeesss! I often wonder how others can be so certain that they are cis and straight, cuz I'm not. It annoys me to live in a culture that enforces a binary on everybody.
This is interesting bc when speacking of woman and autism, I had this insight that there must be more males having the feminine kind of autism. I know one guy who is, though he does not represent very feminine, he is quite a male fysique but still shows more feminine kind of autism. Since the, I started to call it externalized and internalized autism, to let the gender not take all the main score.
im enby but was socialised as a girl, so most of this video applies to me (even if it is a bit dysphoric hearing woman and girl over and over, I get that the research says that soo I'll deal) plus me being arospec and asexual didn't help my feelings of otherness when everyone always talked about crushes and giggled about the sex ed parts of the school books, so I chalked up lots of my neurodivergent behaviours as part of being queer :/ Us queer folks definitely have an even harder time (intersectionality means double the problems wooo!)
Yes, like my son. Although he describes himself as queer, he is highly empathetic and has always preferred the company of women, usually women with ADHD or Autism.
Thanks, 🙏🏽 informative vid. I like that you showed examples. I’m in my 30’s & recently diagnosed. I masked my whole life & I think ADHD masked many of my symptoms too, I got diagnosed with that 6 years ago. I’m just grateful I got the Truth about everything now. It really sheds light on so much in my past. You really feel a true sense of self love, patience & compassion finally.
@@Wellness_Rose I was diagnosed as inattentive ADD a few years ago after my son was diagnosed with ADHD. I saw a lot of similarities. I knew he was autistic from when he was a baby but he didn’t get diagnosed until around 11. His physical therapists kept saying they couldn’t diagnose him when he was little but most babies don’t self-sooth by banging their heads on the couch all day. 🙄 As I learned more after his diagnosis it started to click that he gets it from me because several behaviours he has I also have but wasn’t aware they’re part of the spectrum. 🤣 I used to think I was just a “jumpy” person but the fact that we both scream at the same loud noises was a big clue. Haha (His dad/my husband plays guitar and whenever the amp would feedback you could hear us both scream wherever we were in the house. lol)
Self-diagnosed in my early 50s after a long road, including many false flag diagnoses like anxiety, depression, and even BPD. These were all also self-diagnosed because doctors and therapists all seem to find me too charming to have anything really *wrong* with me due to rockstar level masking/chameleon abilities😎 But the toxic soup of US politics, a pandemic, and more than a few serious personal tragedies over the past decade has given me (body + spirit) an ultimatum about where my most fierce loyalties must lie: to Self or to Others. Damn it if I’m not simply Autist but an Autist Human, the latter of which does require at least a minimum level of social interaction and feeling of belonging. Alas, a monthly book club whose members appreciate the depth of research and thought I bring to the discussions seems to fit the bill relatively well at the moment. Love this channel👏🏼
" doctors and therapists all seem to find me too charming to have anything really wrong with me" yeah doctors seem to equate autism with "ugly weirdo" and therefore completely miss this diagnosis when a pretty woman enters their office. Style, clothing, fitness, make up and hair can ALSO be a special interest, just saying
Exactly. I remember telling one therapist that the better I *look*, the *worse* I feel. I described it as my armor against the world, but it actually put a wall between me and “my kind of people,” who typically choose to spend their time and money on more intellectual and spiritual pursuits. Hard to change when living in a society that tells you how lucky you are to be accepted by the Cool Kids, even as you recoil from their banality. I’m grateful for channels like this one who provide language to better explain myself, to others as well as to myself. Strong special interests indeed.
@@BaiMengLing This. Makeup and skincare products are a special interest from when I was very young, doing my mom's makeup when I was 4 years old (though not well, lol). In middle school, I would cut out tiny pictures of eyeshadow from Avon catalogs and arrange the colors in different ways for HOURS. I then got a degree in chemistry and these days my friends ask me for advice on products -- cue ingredients-research rabbit-hole.
Diagnosed 45. All my life I was described as oversensitive, being dramatic about things that were too much for me, "Indulging in victimhood" if i complained about pain, discomfort or not being listened to or understood. I was dismissed by so many doctors until one female doctor who said neurodivergent people like us.... if only there had been something like this to show my doctors even 20 years ago. Thanks for this. Its so valuable
I read obsessively as a child and still do now. I get stuck on one subject and focus intently on it until my attention moves into something else. I’ve always wondered if I might be autistic. I’m very socially awkward.
I am a late diagnosed autistic woman and it made me feel so much better that you opened with, the main thing is struggling socially and wanting to have friends but having a hard time w that.... that feels like a core experience of my life. Having friends that I loved, realizing they were making fun of me or didn't like me that much. People moving. And having kids. It's made it so difficult for me to maintain friendships.
At 5:50, you say women are emotional, implying that the anger and frustration that men feel aren't emotions. It would be more accurate to say both men and women are emotional. Men are more likely to express their frustration through blame and aggression while women are more likely to shame themselves which shows up as crying. But both are emotional.
I think he was more stating how society views men and women. I could be wrong though. Through out it I felt he was more showing how society will write off as women being overly emotional as opposed to men.
I felt so seen by this video. I remember my childhood friend teaching me how to walk normally when we were about 11 years old. I was diagnosed a few months ago at age 45 and it’s been amazing and validating. Thank you for this content! 🙏
oh i love that you had a friend to help you! i remember being so hurt when my fav aunt just randomly snapped at me to "walk properly" one day - i didn't know that i wasn't, and i didn't know how!
When I started CBT, my therapist said she wouldn't be surprised if I tested as high functioning autistic. Everything you said here is spot on for me. Even bad eating habits. As I've gotten older, i just forget to eat. I even hired a personal trainer because unless someone is yelling at me to move it, I won't. I've always been told I can fit into any group of people I socialize with like I'm a chameleon. Never once did I think I was mirroring others, but it makes perfect sense since I've spent my entire life feeling like I don't know who I am and constantly trying to discover myself only to be led astray by the next person who shows me something and I think I'm just like them. I was diagnosed as bipolar 2, codependency, adhd, anxiety, ptsd. I was prone to angry outbursts when overwhelmed then breakdown after from guilt. I usually have a large circle of acquaintances, but only one or two close friends that are MINE 😂 I overly fixate to the point of obsession and have zero filter. CBT has helped a lot, and most of these traits aren't as bad as they were the older I get. But I still have moments where I say wtf is wrong with me? And your video nailed all of it. Thank you for shedding light on the parts of me that there's nothing wrong with. You made my day.
A dear friend once told me that I can fit in anywhere, but stick out like a sore thumb anywhere. 😂😂 It's the best description of myself I've ever heard.
The angry outbursts are the worst for me. And when they hit during a meltdown, wow, I always feel sorry for anyone who has ever been around me during those episodes.
I found this really helpful & interesting, thank you. I have a mid 20 yr old daughter, finally diagnosed a couple of years ago. She was initially assessed aged 9/10, first referred aged 3. The conclusion? “She has a lot of autistic traits but she is not autistic as she is ‘social’”, despite the fact that her attempts at fitting in socially & making friends were disasters & never lasted. I vividly remember walking out the room when told that, I KNEW the struggles she had, I was basically told I was the problem because I was ‘too soft’ on her 🤬 I will NEVER forgive that woman
Thanks for this. Most of my autistic friends are of the "fella" variety and it's not always easy to communicate to them why my flavor of autism is so different than theirs. I've had different expectations for my behavior and different consequences for when I don't "human correctly".
I actually prefer them as friends because of often being misunderstood by other women but with men I sometimes struggle with them perceiving my actions as flirting as opposed to just enjoying their company…so that’s hard too!
So true. My whole life I've been called difficult, overly sensitive, strong-headed, selfish, ... because I couldn't do what others do, like go out and be hungry for hours or eat what they have (and I can't stand), crying over getting wet in the rain... I thought something was seriously wrong with me and I had to hide it, so I wouldn't complain, I would quietly avoid what I can't stand, tried to power through work and bright lights, struggled with migraines, health issues, getting worse and worse... but tried to function anyway. All so that nobody could see how broken I was inside. And it was lonely, sooo lonely, nobody understood, even when I tried to explain... it seemed like people couldn't relate at all and I didn't know why. Even among friends, I still felt alone, like I was living in a different world and when I was trying to be authentic, what I said didn't even reach their ears. I thought I had BPD, due to not knowing who I am, social struggles and "being emotional". Diagnosed with aspergers at 29. 🙂
This is me. Newly dx at age 46 because of severe burnout. I was first dx with GAD and OCD in my 20s. Lots of therapi that did not help much. My meltdowns have always been internalized. When i shut down I can’t find my words. To speak becomes almost impossible.
Yes, I stop being able to form thoughts when I'm over my threshold. I can feel myself reaching it so I have to get away before it hits, or I start acting super awkward I think.
You just described my entire life, sir. I was diagnosed at 32 with Autism and with ADHD at 33. I deal with migraines, and disordered eating (looking into AFRID at the moment)... And I was diagnosed with GAD as well as Persistent Depressive Disorder as a result of living as an undiagnosed autistic for my entire life. Gonna be sending this video to my therapist as well as my loved ones to help them understand me better. Thank you
It’s very weird I feel like you just described me😂 I am diagnosed and have been since I was around thirteen(21 now), but I have never considered myself very autistic due to me not seeing clear symptoms of it. So you telling me that the things I am struggling with are actually symptoms, is kinda refreshing.❤
Looking back on my life now in the light of Autism mixed with ADD. I know my mom thought I would never learn to tie my shoes, tell time and write in cursive! Took forever but today I am proud to say I have those skills mastered. Now if I could just stop the squirrels in my head.
I'm asd, adhd, anxiety and depression. Growing up id cry when i got overwhelmed or seemingly randomly. I get that now too but my hubby is very understanding
Great video! My 6yo son was diagnosed last year after me bringing up concerns about his speech delay. I was shocked because he acts exactly like me as a child. I’ve realized I 100% mask any time I’m outside my house and it explains a whoooole lot. Before I thought it was just an INTJ female thing.
I can relate to a lot of these. I was diagnosed with autism way back in my teens, and apparently it was noticable already in pre-school. I was much more obviously autistic as a kid than I am now as an adult. Over the years I've learned to mask really a lot. Even getting myself used to wearing makeup and clothes that does irritate my senses because looking a certain way (feminine and neurotypical) matters more to me than being 100% comfortable. I've practiced socializing really a lot and even enjoy small talk these days. I've also put a lot of effort into taking care of my hygiene even when it's hard, so nowadays I have a skincare routine, shower daily and make sure my clothes are always clean. I've found medicine and mindfulness to cope with the sensory overload of getting my periods too. A lot of people don't even believe me anymore when I say I have autism. Although they do typically notice once they get to know me, because I can't really hide how bad my executive function is (my sleep cycle and diet is a mess, I struggle to keep my home clean, I have hoarder tendencies, my mom does my bills for me, etc) or that I eat the same thing for weeks on end, or that 99% of my hobbies are art related, or that I'm always in some kinda hyperfocus, or my weird stimming habits like staring at the same picture of a world of warcraft character hours every day for 10+ years. Or even more complex things like for ex I still have a tendency to take things a bit too literally or express myself too bluntly. Or heck, writing way too long comments on youtube... Honestly, I'm kinda proud of my masking, because it helps me be more functional in society, be treated better at least upon first impression. It helps me gain friends, and get simple issues solved like asking for directions when I'm lost. It helps me feel more normal, and more like a part of society. Honestly I don't even see it as masking. I see it at learning and self-improvement. Because no one is born with those traits (being sociable, liking wearing itchy/tight clothes, social etiquette, etc) we all just kinda have to learn those skills to have them. And it shouldn't be considered a mask just because I learned those skills in my 20's and 30's instead of in kindergarten. I'm not pretending to be someone else just because I changed some of my behaviours as an adult. How I am today is just as authentic as how I was 20 years ago when I was first diagnosed. All it really means is my autism makes it more difficult for me to learn certain (especially abstract) things. Also, while learning all these things and socializing a lot etc can be exhausting, I'm learning little by little how to increase my energy levels without causing a meltdown too often. But, my having so extremely low energy by default, this a huge reason why I've never been able to have a job.
So to a certain extent every single person masks…. so it’s not a problem that you’re happy with it, but for some people It’s not just something they’re actively doing. You can get to the point where it becomes a defence mechanism, and you sort of dissociate while doing it because you can’t react socially, any other way it’s like auto pilot but you can’t get out of it ….and basically all of masking is fitting in with whatever everyone else is doing ….if you’re around terrible people you can get into bad social situations ,because you can’t perceive your own boundaries in the moment. because you don’t trust your intuition over people saying (oh he just likes you) even when he’s touching you inappropriately ,or saying (don’t worry we’re just joking) Every time they try to humiliate you …😮 bad masking is getting Home completely distraught over the fact that you couldn’t stop someone from cutting your hair wrongly,because you just can’t communicate with a stranger when you don’t like something.. because you couldn’t trust your feelings while it was happening to you,😢 because you usually feel uncomfortable when someone cuts your hair ,so you automatically suppressed all of your discomfort… and now you’re having a meltdown at home and you feel like a worthless piece of shit because you couldn’t ,verbalise or advocate for yourself😔 that’s what most people are talking about when they mention masking and how to affects them. You don’t tend to talk about positive things when you commiserating.
I tend to agree with you about 'masking.' I think of it in the same way that we all learn to mask our need to urinate at certain times. It's a natural urge, but socially, we all learn to hold it in until we find the right place to do it. Learning to do this is hard. Really hard for some toddlers. But to be part of a society, we all learn to do it. At some points as youngsters, some of us wet our pants, or need to do an emergency run to the bathroom because we weren't noticing our body giving us clues, but generally, we all can notice that we need to deal with that urge or need in a particular way at a particular time. As a 65 year old, I, too, am proud that I have learned to be functional, kind and attentive to more than my own needs. I decided in my 40s that masking wasn't a bad trait, but it was my own chosen way to be part of society. It takes a lot of energy, and I AM very much of a vegetable at home. So is my husband, though, so it's okay.
I used to read 6+ books a week, I'd sit alone in the stairwell at school and struggled making real friends. I was good at school because my mother pushed me extremely hard at home to study. I flew under the radar until I went to university. I didn't have my mother pushing me to do work anymore and I was far away from any friends or family. I developed insomnia, wouldn't come out of my room and would have random anxiety attacks. I had to take a year off due to what I now retrospectively would call my first ADHD burnout. I went to see many different therapists and eventually got diagnosed with both ADHD and ASD. It was such a relief but it's been quite the uphill battle from there still.
Thank you... I don't know if i am autistic or have adhd... but i feel seen and loved with your videos and want to thank you and Debby so very very much
I went into this video cus i was curious and "high masking" in the title really made me wonder if id be able to see it in ppl i knew and somehow be helpful,, but i feel like you just described me for 13 minutes straight 😭😭
(33yo undiagnosed) I have every single one of these, I could cry. I was even diagnosed with bpd at 16yo which I never felt fit because ‘fear of abandonment’ is like the prime indicator for bpd and I couldn’t care less about being with/close to people (yuck, just stress) I just didn’t want to be seen as ‘different and/or weird’ and bullied for it like I had been in primary school so I did whatever I could to be ‘social’ and ‘fit in’ even if I didn’t want to and to my own detriment which caused massive social burn out, anxiety and depression to this day hence the bpd misdiagnosis at the time 😞 though luckily now I prioritise my ‘healing alone time’ over what others think and expect of me and have found more peace. Thank you for making me feel seen, I hope whoever needs to see this does and is able to accept themselves and become more content ❤️
Wife and I each have our own blanket and the biggest bed we could find. That being said, her snoring has sent me to our spare bedroom more than once...
After one year together we both agreed to live/ sleep separately, but we manage plenty of cuddle/sexy time before we are too exhausted and wind down each on our own.
Father and I spent today at an intro bonsai class. I spotted at least one other neuroatypical human right away, male. I believe an older female teacher later also fit this category. And then a few others. Think about bonsai for a minute. I think “difference” rates have to be at about 80% of serious enthusiasts. Anyway. I’d say me and my father are affected about the same in degree of intensity, if estimating that makes any sense. We both were there to learn the same material, learn the same tasks, produce the same tree at the same beginner level. Who was constantly engaged in negative corrective feedback? Who was not left alone to work without interruption? Who was expected to do all the socializing for silent father? I was wearing orange light blocking glasses. Doesn’t that scream weirdo (said with love and pride)? Nope. I was constantly forced to perform socially for 5 hours because (mostly male) strangers who themselves were probably half on the spectrum saw it as my job. All I wanted was to think about my tree. I loathe loathe loathe talking to people I don’t know. But I did it. I did it maybe superbly. I am an attorney. I am hyperlexic. I was a psychoanalystic therapist before I realized the feeling I could die from being looked at all day was real. I KNOW how to talk to people. I have never had any choice. I hate it. Understand differences between men and women may also be brain differences but THEY ARE ALWAYS ALREADY MISOGYNY. You get extra points if you know the phrase “always already” BTW.
The other day I literally told someone “I’m tired and can’t socialize right now because my ability to talk is negative five percent” and it got me off the hook from “having to” socialize. It was great 😂
Watching this was like someone describing my life word for word. Will be showing this vid when I have trouble explaining things to other people in my family. Thank you.
I love how Chris (and Debby) always seem to get this right! Late diagnosed earlier this year actually (I was 42, turned 43 in August) and watching this just completely validated both my childhood and adult experiences. I’m STILL told I’m “too emotional” or “intense”. And there’s no grace in the world for autistic adults. As an adult, the world expects you to have your sh*t together and “stop using ‘autism’ as an excuse”. Which leads right back to the faking normalcy cycle and routine exhaustion. Then add any mental health or chronic illness crap you got going on and it’s a recipe for straight burnout. Geez!
![PASULOL รามเกียรติ์ ตอนที่ 4 นนทกพบรัก [Ramakien Ep.4: Nonthok in love]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/tMUQgmZzf_A/mqdefault.jpg)
If you're autistic, what are some of your experiences, and what challenges have you faced? If you are an autistic woman, were you diagnosed late due to any of the reasons we shared? Tell us about your experiences in the comments so we can all learn more together about autism in women! ⤵
You have my book 😊
I'm a self diagnosed Audhd (I can't afford an official diagnosis yet). I just found out this year at age 27. One of the biggest issues I have is keeping a clean house. There's a lot of mental and societal pressure to keep it clean. When you feel like you're operating on low battery all the time, it can feel overwhelming. Then there's the added guilt and shame from the inside and outside. "Why not just knock it out and get it over with? It would only take you 30 minutes to do."
🫠 It's hard to explain to others why I can't. Especially when they say I'm just making excuses. Then, when the energy levels come back up, I quickly overspend it, burning out quicker, doing too many tasks, trying to prove to others that I am not lazy 😥
I'm super thankful for your videos. They're very funny and informative 😁 It's helped me to not feel so alone and to know that there are other people who are like me 😊
I sooo do that with my toes 😂. Dancing too 😊
Sorry, but my biggest difficulty with being autistic and trying to get diagnosed at 30 is exactly this gendering of autism traits.
These kind of videos dont help with the problem of very high masking autists, but just moved it to boys/men who are high masking, atleast in my experience.
Yes woman fly under the radar autism wise, but do we really have to do that to men to, to make it fair or what?
Stop gendering autism (and any applicable condition too), it does more harm than good. Just saying these are traits of high masking autists that may, or may not, be more prevalent in woman, but are not exclusive to them would go a long way.
This alone made me feel aggressive just reading the title. I love your content, it is one of the best. It helped me a great deal and I am very grateful for that. But please stop with this, what I would already call misinformation, even if its meant in good faith.
I hope I worded it not too aggressive and if yes I am sorry, but this is a pain point for me.
I am almost in my 60’s and diagnosed a year ago. I have three brothers and two of them (10 years younger than me) are autistic -got diagnosed in mid 1990’s. It is a fact that autism developed by exploring, examining boys rather than girls and that balance has been keeping it way all these decades.
I would like to think with a pleasure that something has changed during these years and we not need this polarization between genders, but that is not true. Without special autism ”girls and women” questionnaire form, wich I filled like a part of the medical autism research to phsyciatrical clinical examination, my diagnose will not been so succesful, I quess.
All the things you got in this video are good and valid points. And thank you, you have the ARFID there too! It is not a new thing but not mensioned often.
As a mother of four, I have been thinking how big stress and burden it was to fit in a good motherhood ! It is difficult in the normal situation too, but what it is when you are autistic, not understand your brains and feelings and just keep going to stay in alive! I couldn’t work outside the home or do nothing else than keep my household up and concertrating to childrens needs. I read all the education books what I got, and copy action methods from other people.
When children grew up I can now understand (through my grandchildren when they are visiting us over night) how big burden it really has been. My diagnose has been very welcome to my family because it is enlightened understanding between me and my children, building something special and good ❤
Anyone else like 90% sure they are autistic, but for some reason just assume if you went to get diagnosed they would just be like “nah, you’re just struggling cuz you suck at life, go home”
Yes
Oh it happened to me they said I couldn’t have it because I did well in school so I shutdown and went home and never went back.
Happened to me too. Went for an evaluation after being diagnosed ADHD Inattentive type.
The evaluation I was given was a joke. It was geared towards a child (I was 46 at the time). They had me put together puzzles, read a children’s board book and relate the story back, describe what emotions are being portrayed by a series of emoji faces.
I tried explaining my experiences to them but was dismissed.
It’s incredibly frustrating because I don’t feel like I fully meet ADHD criteria, I relate so hard to ASD traits but the diagnostic protocols aren’t nuanced enough for adult women.
Legitimately happened to me! Spent nearly an hour trying to relate my experiences to a guy over video call, but all he was interested in was any developmental records from early life and elementary school. I was a little girl! In the 90s! In Texas! Absolutely zero people were recording anything about me for autism purposes. Despite my entire family being aware that I wasn't 'right', despite all my anecdotes, because he didn't have 'official records of delayed development' obviously I only was suffering from depression from my mother's passing (something like sixteen years ago at this point and absolutely irrelevant to the matters I was describing) and I was dismissed.
I will be trying to go back in soon, as it's been a good four-five years since that disappointment, but it was a heavy blow and did nothing to help the severe anxiety I already struggled with. Just gave me more cause to worry endlessly about both being ignored and blaming myself endlessly for, somehow, 'faking' the symptoms I struggle with. Yay?
@@Kamemom Yes I was also told that I wasn’t fidgeting enough in front of her. Well, no fking adult would be fidgeting enough if they just got off work of 72 hours from the military my bad. I was completely exhausted that day. She knew I worked in the military so any advancements I made in my career were used against me as well. So apparently according to her if you have adhd or autism you essentially can never advance in life.
My family my whole life: "You're a strange child."
Me in adulthood: "I'm being assessed for autism"
My family now: "i had no idea, you always seemed so normal"
😂
@@ankhanon4913 🤣🤣
hahahha i know right.
Me too!
...and there will never be an apology! :/
I don’t remember when/where I heard this, but it’s always resonated with me: that in young girls signs of neurodivergency are treated like behavioral choices or personality traits rather than symptoms of a disorder
I was always considered defiant. It wasn’t until I was diagnosed, as a 40 year old, and my Mom started researching it that she realized how perfectly I fit the mold for autism. So many battles were fought over certain fabrics of clothes. Jeans
and flannel would put me over the edge. She also liked to keep my hair short and my stem is twirling hair. She tried so hard for me to have friends over and I would beg for them to go home after 30 min. I played alone in my imaginary world.
My music teacher called me 'belligerent' but my art teacher called me 'bohemian' - it all depends on the teacher's perspective, it seems!
Healthy Gamer GG has a video about this! He calls it being a "bad woman", as in, can't meet the societal expectations normally put on women (organization, time management, self-sacrifice to fulfill all the needs of others, being hyper-functional, nurturing, intuitive, etc etc)
Reading saved me in my childhood. It's an often overlooked restrictive interest.
I agree!! That was me 100%!!
Me too, I don't know how I would have made it without reading. ❤
When I finally discovered that I enjoyed reading books I was probably 7 and you could not stop me from reading - I'd have meltdowns if people took my books away and eventually my mom just gave up and let me read while doing everything always. I needed books for escaping for calming down for learning how people behave in all sorts of situations for learning skills for expanding my vocabulary for trying to figure out relationships and just for learning in general. I love books so much. Really any kind of story telling is great to me but books hit different.
Me too!!!! Needed to hear this part of this video because I didn't know this and it explains a lot reading the comments here. I read constantly I even once took a book with me into the shower covered with zip lock bags.. ok it was more than once 😅
And it’s why listen to podcast/audiobooks/YT now
51 year old woman here, diagnosed six years ago. Last Friday, I went to a dinner with my middle school friends; I was perfect, sociable, well-dressed, well made-up, funny, entertaining. I talked about myself, listened to my friends' stories, nodding and making eye contact. I took group photos (with that heart-shaped hand gesture that I hate). Everything was perfect, except that afterward, I felt exhausted for three days and slept the whole time. So, to live normally for one evening, I wasted three days. 😓
That sounds so unpleasant and exhausting. It's very hard to do that.
Hugs! (Virtual, of course. The idea is support, not more exhaustion.)
Omg I know exactly what you mean. My extended family doesn't always understand, though.
💯 WORD
Yes, I do this to
This is so important, because women are under-researched in any medical field, either for mental or physical health. What makes it worse is that women tend to not get taken seriously when talking about any topic, but especuslly if it's unusual or different or controversial. Having videos about autism in women or any form of neurodivergency, coming from a man is important because it means people are more likely to listen, as sad as it is. So thank you for making this video. I'm not autistic, but I do have ADHD and I know we struggle with the same problem of being misdiagnosed or not diagnosed at all. I was diagnosed with ADHD at 44.
Let's be honest everybody has something.
@@kathymc234 Yes but what do you mean by that?
I’m currently undiagnosed but my 14 year old son has an official diagnosis. I relate to everything on this list. However, I do not experience meltdowns because my childhood in the 80s/90s taught me it is absolutely unacceptable for girls to have one. Now middle aged, my husband can attest to me just completely shutting down when overwhelmed. Sometimes I will go take an 8 hour nap. Screaming and crying in girls gets you labelled an over-dramatic pain in the a$$ (and could lead to a beating in the 80s). Shutting down is ignored because at least you’re quiet.
I am 41 and only now getting diagnosed, and something watching videos from people like Chris who actually have autism has taught me that in women a lot of time, meltdowns can actually be just massive crying fits when we're overwhelmed. In high school, I would come home and just crash on my bed for a couple hours; I used to think it was a heat thing (like summers were too hot) but I know now that was daily burnout. That is 100% my personal experience with meltdowns. When I burn out (which is a LOT the older I get), I just cry for days and I keep asking God WHY and I can't handle any sort of noise around me from even my pets who I normally love, and I have to shove headphones in my ear and listen to a song I know that will drown out every noise in my house. This usually happens every other month or so, but like I said the older I get, the more it happens, and I have pretty much been in a hardcore burnout for a year and a half now. Your 8-hour naps would definitely qualify, and any time you might have just felt the need to break down and cry.
YES ! same here, I am 44 and I got beaten by my mom a lot as girl. I didn't why but today I know that my autism was probably getting me in trouble because her own UNdiagnosed autism caused violent metldowns she took on me as soon as I got vocal about my needs.
❤@@BaiMengLing
Being quiet- yes I can relate to that, just sitting in the corner (as a child) reading quietly looked to them like I was being a "good girl", but actually, I'm now realising it was me shutting off when the world and my family environment became too much to handle.
My meltdowns are shut downs, too. 59yo similar experience: strictly no "tantrums"!
"Listening to the same music over and over and over" had me laughing because I mentioned to my psychologist during my assessment that it's not uncommon for me to listen to the same album or song for WEEKS on repeat. My Spotify Wrapped a few years ago showed one song was played for 18 hours straight in ONE DAY. And if I'm not listening to The Song? I'm humming it!
Yep, totally understand that!
lol. My TH-cam history has huge chunks that repeat. I love the “loop” option. Sometimes you just have to listen to the same song all day or evening because it, as the kids say, slaps. Mostly I do that with electronic music because it’s repetitive without huge variations.
@deirdrestatham5730 Exactly! There will be a part of a song that scratches an itch in my brain at that point in time and I can't listen to anything else for days or weeks at a time.
Same. I listen to and sing the same songs many times a day, every day. I call it my therapy playlist. I can't handle being in the car or going out in public without it.
Hard Same - I will listen to the same songs the same albums that I have loved since I was a kid (that I have on tape cassette even cuz I was a kid in the 80s) I can and will enjoy listening to the same song enough times to really deeply ingrain it into my psyche so whenever I can't listen to the song I can still play it verbatim in my head. I do the same thing for certain movies or show series... Especially ones with catchy title music/theme songs lol It low key drives my partner a little nuts as he is ADHD and listening to the same song repetitively is painfully boring to him
Something I would love to hear more about is the struggles with physical intimacy as an autistic person.
Sometimes physical touch feels painful.
I am genuinely curious, do you have a desire for physical intimacy at base and feel a lack from difficulties surrounding it? For myself, my whole life I felt immensely pressured to be interested in sex and have a violent abhorrence toward the idea of someone touching me in that way. I have a comorbid diagnosis that muddies the waters but that’s my subjective experience. So, and don’t answer if it’s too prying, I’m genuinely curious if other autistic people feel like, some level of physical revulsion but also feel sad that it makes it difficult to get what feels like a need or desire met.
I love when my hubs touches me, i have an adhd diagnosis, but i hate when anyone else touches me.
Thats a big part of my masking- smiling while people, even family members, touch me.
@@alexia3552 I wouldn’t say I have a violent abhorrence towards intimacy. But my initial reaction when someone touches me is to push them away (except for my children - which obviously isn’t “intimacy”.. ).. and not to give TMI but when I’m ovulating - I enjoy being touched - but the rest of the month I don’t
For me it fluctuates with my cycle. I feel oversexual during my fertile days and could have sex all day long, but have nearly no interest in it and sometimes even cuddling during the rest of the month. And since I’m quite clingy and in fear of loss, I can’t fathom the idea of a open relationship but how could I find a partner, that is fine with 3-5 days of sex and 25-50 (I’m irregular too…) of abstinence and sometimes not even sleeping in the same bed, because it sometimes makes me emotional restless….
I don't know if I'm actually autistic, but I sure did resonate with almost every single thing in this video...
Same here. My daughter has been telling me that I "fit the description" and should look into it.
Same for me 👋
same 😭
same............ 🤔
Same. 😮
Another i would add is feeling more sensitive to the needs and suffering of animals than human beings. Preferring the company of animals.
Yesss!!! One of my hyper focuses is healing and medicine and I adopt animals and nurse them back to health... My mother did it too...
Get out of my head!!😂
Omg that’s me!!!!
That is a lot of people without autism also. Animals are just so cute and sincere it is hard not to feel that way.
I’ve always had a hard time interacting too much with humans. With animals I feel more connected and comfortable.
As a neuropsychologist who specializes in autism diagnostics for people with ‘subtle’ or ‘less obvious’ autism and with a diagnosis myself, I really really appreciate your content! Very clear and well-put video, solid information, a pleasant speaking pace and a healthy dose of humor to go along with it! 👌🏻 will most definitely share with my clients! ❤ keep it up! 🍀
Do you diagnose virtually by any chance?
@@ausrinefuller5984 following this!
I don't always listen to music, but when I do it's the same song on repeat 50 times in a row!
This is the way
It's like a warm blanket
Yes 💯
oh yeah, i have these periods where i "take a rest" from music sometimes too! and even bg noise like tv or streams i normally love
real
Diagnosed at almost sixty four. I am really weepy watching video. Even with my diagnosis, my family doesn't understand me and I was misunderstood my whole life, a whole life! Even now, they say, oh, you're too smart to be autistic. I hate that, hate being so misunderstood. I live alone and I isolate just to stay away from everyone.
I’m sorry. That backhanded compliment about being intelligent is cruel. As if people with autism are naturally unintelligent. I’m glad you stay away. You deserve to find happiness your way
I am so right there with you. This is exactly how I feel.
@@jmo2104 my family also rejected my diagnosis. Instead, they misjudge and say bad things about my character...like saying I only care about myself because I don't always attend family events.
I have come to realize that my father has narcissistic personality disorder. And so that was a recipe for disaster in a relationship with an autistic daughter. It's a pretty dysfunction family. So I'm psychologically better off with healthier people.
It's important to find our tribe! And finding people that can accept you along with your diagnosis is critical.
Aww my lovely I totally understand ur plight . It's been the same for me my entire life ❤ sending you a big hug & lot's of love from Amanda in Blackpool England UK 🩷💎
What do they know… i have 2 masters degrees and a PhD - and guess what… i am autistic anyway 😅
Autistic woman diagnosed at 59. It really explained sooooo much of my childhood and my adult life as well. I can not stand sunshine. It is too bright, too hot, too intense. To me sunny days are loud and harsh. Like the day has sharp, jagged edges. I love cloudy, rainy days. They're absolutely the best.
I struggled with bright or flashing lights and noises when growing up and they really bother me again in my 60s. I guess I was strong enough in my middle years to tolerate it. I can be in sunshine for the most part but grey skies is too depressing. If the skies are grey for more than a day I'm ready to climb into a hole.
i feel the same way and also sounds - sounds are the worst for me 😢
Me too. I love living in the Pacific Northwest where it’s dark and rainy all winter. I own dozens of sunglasses and light blocking curtains for the summer.
I can definitely relate! I was diagnosed in April of this year, at 41 years old. I cannot stand the sun! It's way too harsh on my eyes. Before I saw this video, I was like, "maybe I need to go out into the sun more and just get used to it", but after watching this video, it was a relief knowing that it's not just me. The sun really does suck! LOL!
@katuracarter5300 yes!!!! A kindred spirit.
“Dramatic.” “Overreacting.” “Upset over nothing.” “Being ridiculous.” Those are things I heard all the time as a kid, and still sometimes do now. I didn’t know how to describe what was going on in my body, and I felt powerless to stop it, causing more problems the harder I tried. Then I saw “Frozen”, and the phrases “conceal, don’t feel,” and “the storm inside” really resonated. This video is another validating report on that storm.
I just kept hearing lazy. It's still a word that triggers me. Maybe they were right though? But I feel more stuck than lazy. I know what I should do but I can't make my body do it.
Definitely heard this. Still do.
Elsa is so autistic-coded that it hurts my feelings when people dismiss her character.
frozen hit so hard with me too and it was before anyone ever even brought it up to me that I might be autistic
@@pinkunicorn8794 That’s autistic inertia. We’re great at deep dives into things and finding completion, but getting started is an effort.
I never once thought about my reading as being a restrictive interest linked to autism. But looking back and how I would CONSTANTLY have a book in my hand (even when I was supposed to be sleeping or in school or when it made me sick trying to read in the car) it makes so much sense.
Me too! I learned to read really young and I read constantly. I couldn’t go anywhere without a book, sometimes two books because I was too close to the end of my current book.
@@scrivenerslocal23 (the safety book)you always need a back up 😅
The only way my parents could punish me was to deprive me of going to the library (it was every saturday morning). Their friends would be shocked at them taking her books from their daughter because they wished their kids read!
Wait… that’s a trait? I mean… I was told I was a bookworm… but I didn’t think about that.
No realllll. I would deadass always have a book on my desk and would pull it out whenever the class would get slow. I remember reading whole books during math classes bc they were so easy
I'm a woman who didn't get my ADHD diagnosis until I was 30 and I got the autism after that. I'm also a Black woman. I'm glad that the conversation about how gender and diagnosis intersect, so I'm looking forward to the conversation about ethnicity and diagnosis intersect too!
Girl we might be waiting a long time for that. Intersectionality is a difficult topic sadly. Once we can figure out that more than one thing can be a problem at the same time then maybe black people might get to see these issues being discussed
I hear you totally. there is definitely a disconnect there
Don't forget longer processing time.
I ended up getting called things like "Dingy Debbie". And there were dumb blonde jokes too. I would miss pieces in group conversations because they would go too fast. Even though I was actually very intelligent, taking a little longer to process and laugh at jokes was noticeable. Eventually I learned to watch everyone else and just play along although I was lost.
Also, autistic women het sexually assaulted at higher rates. It took me too long to process what was happening socially, and I ended up in a vulnerable situation that I never expected. Predators also pick up on when a girl is not processing the situation quickly enough. So the prey on that vulnerability. Plus, autistic women can be too trusting and naive.
Struggling socially causes excess loneliness and desperation at well. And when too frustrated with failures, social compromises are often made, causing us to be taken advantage of by all kinds of people.
Our society teaches us that if a girl is pretty and quiet, she can still get a date. That's a recipe for disaster with high masking autistic women. And it often results in ending up in abusive relationships.
Absolutely
Yuuuup. All of this
This is a fascinating trait.
Aaaah, yes. I was the 'dainty dumbbell' or the 'dainty dipsh!t'. Dainty because I walked on my toes a lot.
Wow, yes. Horrifying to think how often I put myself unknowingly into this situation.
When I was a little girl I was so focused on Ötzi the Iceman.
I would basically meet someone, greet them "Hey, I'm (my name). Did you know Ötzi the Iceman, an over 5 thousand year old ice mummy found by hikers in the Italian Alps had tattoos? He also wore shoes stuffed with grass. "
I still love Ötzi, I would love to go his museum in Italy.
I had other interests too, but they were definitely things I also hyper focused on. Titanic, ancient history, dinosaurs and other ancient lifeforms, the US civil war ( the past in general). My parents took me to Gettysburg PA when I was 7 and I became overwhelmed with emotions and solumn thoughts being in the presence of the battlefield. Adults often described me as an old lady trapped in a kid's body.
If you like his tattoos check out the ones on the ice maiden of the Altai mountains.
I can so relate! I was nicknamed after a silent movie star Sarah Barnhart… actually I was paraphrased Sarah Heartburn because I was so overly dramatic.
I loooooove Ötzi!
I would have loved to listen to all your fun facts (I’ve heard of Ötzi before but I’m sure you have all kinds of knowledge). My twin brother also knows all about Gettysburg! We’ve been there several times and we always visit the 20th Maine Monument. He loves Joshua Chamberlain!
I hope you can visit the museum in Italy!
Genuinely LOVE how you act all the clips yourself, instead of using stock footage or AI or something such!! It brings me joy.
I've watched so many "autism in women" videos searching if I really fit in with it (the questioning! the impostor syndrome!), but this is the first that really hits true and core to my experience as very high-masking in ways I've never thought of before. Thank you always so much for your content!
exactly!!
Same! I've been questioning my self-diagnosis a LOT lately, and so worried and embarrassed that my identification was wrong.
This video has been so spot-on! Thank you Chris & Debbie. I feel heard and seen.
(And that last little bit in the out-takes where you tap yourself on the forehead and tell yourself you're "stupid" is ME 100%!!)
I totally agree with you!!
Absolutely agree. I’ve actually watched this video twice. Everything in this video resonates for me thank you ☺️
Yes!
Ugh the "just go do it!"
(Burrito mode) Can't. I am recharging my beans.
My husband tend to say this to me often although I tried to explain, that I just could not. Then in my pregnancy I felt so unbelievable good I really could "just do it" even if I had a bad day and finally understood, what he meant - everything seemed so much easier to achieve and I wonder, if NT feel this way everyday. Because of this he understood, too, that I just can't outside my pregnancy.. I just can't.
Maybe the world find's a good charger for us! Or lets more people understand.. or both. Both would be nice :'D
"Recharging my beans" I love that 😂
I grew up as the child that acted like an adult, I liked to read, have philosophical conversations, and got a long with people 10-20 years older than me but could not for the life of me form social bonds with people in my age range (and what I felt was bonds with adults was I'm pretty sure them just humoring me).
I was always scolded for taking a "tone" but never knew what that tone was, I have found some ways to understand that as an adult but it still happens when I'm in high stress situations and I don't realize I'm doing it until I see on someone's face that I'm pissed them off or upset them (I don't see it at all over the phone which makes that so much worse).
I have gone through periods of hyper somnia, sleeping 18-20 hours a day, even when in ADHD meds.
I have been on pretty much every depression med known to man without much success (until recently) to the point where my psychiatrist was saying we were running out of options and might need to try shock therapy.
I got more stories (I'm 35, been dealing with this a long time) but I have never had an official autism diagnosis yet when I watch videos like this I pretty much tick every box.
You sound just like me! If you haven't tried DBT therapy yet, please do! I can't handle any psychiatric meds and talk therapy just left me confused. DBT teaches emotional regulation SKILLS that apparently come naturally to other people 😅. Gave me my life back.
I did TMS the modern shock therapy after every med under the sun even seizure therapy And I did see a lot of progress and this happened during 2020/2021 but I resonate with you experiences
From childhood, I was never able to control the intensity of my emotions. I cried easily and often. Both of my parents fussed at me about this. As I got older, this didn’t change unless I was in a happy, safe environment. I am highly sensitive and still easily cry.
Textures have always bothered me, certain lights, sharp and loud noises, too many people talking at once. I masked through my adulthood, putting on the “proper” face in public, but as soon as I got home I would meltdown from the exhaustion of keeping up appearances. I have always needed a level of control in my life and if UN achievable, I would feel so helpless and despondent. This list could go on and on, but I hope what I wrote helps someone!
You are me! I experienced all of these too! My mother would get so mad at me because I would have empathy for anyone going thru tough times, or I'd always try to defend someone bc I didn't think it was fair to speak about someone behind their back.
I HATE the feeling of tweed and heavy cotton, or anything around my neck. Socks suffocate me, bracelets choke my wrists, and turtlenecks should not even exist!! 🙆🏻♀️🙆🏻♀️
I'm 43, and my daughter got confirmed diagnosis in March of 2023 and ever since then I've been on my journey of figuring Me out because we are SO much a like. She is literally my carbon copy. She feels almost more like a twin of me than my daughter at times... Weird, I know.
Thanks for sharing
@@yolandacastillo-newsome2697 Oh, did you also got in trouble because you defended someone who couldn't or didn't speak up for themselves? I went from being the awkward person in school that was left alone to the shunned person. I always knew that I would get in trouble for speaking up, but I couldn't not do it. It would have be wrong.
@@ruthbarrett8907 The need for a certain level of control is so exhausting 😥 A boyfriend once said that I needed my rituals around waking up and going to bed with him. And he was right. With a slight slip up it was like the whole world would shatter around me.
But I found out something about my crying. I do it easily and especially the time after my self realization, that I'm an autist. I don't necessarily cry because I'm sad or upset. I cry when I got more emotions than I can handle at that time, like a overflowing cup 🤯 Maybe it's something that's absolutely clear to everyone, but I'm still mind blown about it, and stopped berating myself for being a cry baby😅
- textures yes. Having to touch everything (clothes) in a store but then touching The Bad Texture and having to wipe it off! Velvet makes my mouth weirdly dry?
- lights. Big light can't be on. Little lights only
- literally sat on a boy and beat him up for chasing my friend. Got suspended, he didnt. Accidentally broke another kid's skull open pushing him because he was tugging on my best friend's ponytail... he had to get staples
- reading at a 5th grade level in 1st grade. Cant do math for shit
- sharp/loud noises scramble my brain!!!!
- too many people talking at once means i hear none of them but i do hear someone throwing food away 50ft from me 😅 subtitles for life
......... oof........... do I have a problem? 😓
@@yolandacastillo-newsome2697 YES YES YES>.....same here...with the clothing stuff......turtleneckss LOLOLOL and braceletts...I wear only earrings for jewelry.....SOCKS LOLOL....I grew up in maine....as an adult I had an old lady neighbor and I went to her house in winter.....and took off my shoes and had NO SOCKS On ...she scolded me and said why don't you have socks on in winter......I told her it was against my religion......the look she gave me....LOIL....but ya I can't wait to get home and rip off my " going out clothes" to put on my comfy worn out clothes....I hate feeling constricted in any way at all.....
I want to cry tears of self-compassion. I’m 46. This is my life. I didn’t know *why* until now. Feels like a relief. Thank you.
💕as a fellow late diagnosee I'm crying with you sis
Saaaaaaame
45 yo here. You've got it! ❤️
I'm also a woman in her 40s and seeking out psychotherapy for the first time in my life because of mid-career burnout/workplace bullying trauma/general midlife crisis and I dunno whether to mention this or not. I've been pretty aware that I might be on the spectrum since early in university days (thanks WIRED magazine for bringing the idea into pop culture) but I've never mentioned it to anybody except my immediate family until very recently. I dunno whether it's worth bringing up to the therapist when the main issue I want to deal with is career problems.
@@megabigblur Do it. Workarounds and accommodations to prevent burnout (as well as cognitive/behavioral therapy) will be different for autistic people than for neurotypical people. Knowing that you suspect you might be on the spectrum might change the way your therapist helps you deal with your current problems.
The social exhaustion, the meltdowns over little things, the super focused topics of interest, the spotty task management, the skin picking. It's all resonation pretty hard with me. My fiance and I have wondered for years now if we both might be on the spectrum, but this video really checks more boxes for me than I had realized before.
OMG, the longer pink hair "later in life", I can't stop laughing.
😂😂😂
Sooo gooodd 😂😂😂😂❤❤❤
I read this and then that part of the video played xd
😭 Not me sitting here 30+ with my long pastel pink hair!
the array of wigs was brilliant
You make me feel so validated.
P.s. the pink hair cosplay is epic
the wigs were so good xD
Back in the 80s, my mom was a substitute teacher for a special ed class, and to this day she will tell the story about the boy who was obsessed with vacuum cleaners. He was introduced to her, and the first thing he did was whisper - what kind of vacuum do you have? He knew all the brands and model numbers.
I recently had someone comment on the frequency with which I wear sunglasses and I *lied* to them (which I hate doing) saying that bright lights can trigger migraines for me. I've never had a migraine in my life. But it's easier to explain to someone that I get headaches (that's woman stuff, right? 🙄) than to say that I can't tolerate bright lights, I hate squinting, and I prefer that people don't have full access to my facial expressions because they always misinterpret the "face" I'm making.
Migraines are not just “headaches” but I get your point. Hope you never have to experience one.
I often joke and say I'm kind of like a vampire in bright lighting.
This exactly exactly exactly
@@Ohnoitsruthiothis too (I get migraines as well)
Unsure if I am actually autistic but I relate to all of that. Back when I was in uni, the spotlights in the lecture rooms were so unbearable. Not a pair of sunglasses but I still wear a mask these days because of the same reason. I do not want to be perceived or constantly monitor my expressions... So exhausting.
Diaagnosed at age 70... 71 now. I would add that my love language is 'information sharing. Also, I was tested in 2nd grade due to isolating behaviors, and the results came back that I am gifted... circa 1960 :P Professionally, I was a Jungian therapist and meditation teacher before retiring==perfect mask 🤪' And, while some professionals say those of us who have gone so long without diagnosis/support are 'feral', I prefer 'wild' 😁
The "wild" comment makes me think of particular autistic woman's youtube channel, called charlierewilding.
Love this ❤ we are super smart and so misunderstood ...a wild child trying to learn to fit in. 😂
My sister and I refer to ourselves as not being fully housebroken yet 🥲
@@melissarothacker7944😂😂 I like that!
I do like the word « feral » 😆 It’s a word often associated with cats. 😊
I’m so glad that you could finally get the right diagnosis! 🫶 I was diagnosed with ADD 2 years ago, at 40. It was such a relief, because it was the starting point of understanding myself better and getting the specific help I need to live better with it. I blame myself way less than I did before for things I (and everyone else) assumed were laziness or simply due to my bad sleeping and eating habits. I wish I had my diagnosis much sooner though.
This is honestly the first time I've ever watched or read anything that has me seriously considering that I might be on the spectrum. I never thought I checked enough boxes. But this video feels almost directly written about me.
I'm often haunted by the memory of learning that other girls sometimes said mean things "for fun" and to make others laugh. So I made fun of a friend because she didn't have internet in the early 2000s. I MADE OF FUN OF HER FOR BEING POOR AND THEN I DIDN'T UNDERSTAND WHY SHE DIDN'T WANT TO TALK TO ME 😢
I was the awkward girl that would get stared at when I was asked to accompany another girl or group to the bathroom and would always decline. I had NO IDEA they were going to go gossip and check each other’s makeup. I thought maybe they all had urination schedules that lined up so they all had to pee at the same time. I didn’t want anyone else to listen to me pee. 😂
You were trying to fit in. You just didn't have the words to explain that to your friend 😭
Hug for you. I bully myself for accidentally mean things I've done too, even decades later. You didn't know at the time. Forgive the younger you
@@Sara-xc9xo same here 😢
Ok but now it is funny 😅 jajjaja
Spot on sir. I'm still not diagnosed as Autistic. I was once as an adult diagnosed as Bipolar, but I knew people who were Bipolar, and i knew i wasn't, so i refused the meds the doctor wanted to put me on. Now I'm old, I'm a grandmother, so i don't need one. As a child, i was labeled emotionally disturbed. I was in my 30's when at a friend's house, i noticed a medical book with disorders from a to z. Of course i had to read it. I got to Autism. When i was finished reading it i started to cry, it was me, i also realized it was my youngest child. I did have him tested. I'm glad i did, his school was able to use his diagnosis to help with his education.
While perhaps I don't NEED a diagnosis at 60, I still yearn for one. Is it autism? ADHD? Could I have a better future if I knew why I've been this way my whole life? At least, I'm trying to acknowledge my differences to myself and allow myself to recharge, stim, 'not do social', and just be what I am without self-criticism.
I've been diagnosed as depressed. I've had people tell me they think I'm depressed. I've never really felt that way, I just felt I needed to be alone. People depress me!
@@DonMarie-n3c they can be draining😅
I struggled badly with almost everything listed here until my mid twenties, when I developed better coping mechanisms. I didnt come from a family that emphasizes mental health. What a strange comfort it is to see videos like this now, at 30, that help me articulate some of those challenges. I may never ask for a diagnosis... But what a comfort it is, truly.
I’m undiagnosed, but I felt like you were describing me throughout this video. I don’t think I’ve ever said “omg that’s ME!” so many times for a video before. 🤯
I am also undiagnosed. I finally connected the dots while talking to my friend about her autistic son this year. I will be going to a specialist for screening. Thank GOD I have insurance right now. I tried to explain it to my mother and she LOST IT! So, I’m sure there will be a family therapy session in our future. 😅
Here’s to making our lives more livable! I hope you are able to get diagnosed and have answers and treatment!❤
I'm also undiagnosed, and I recognised almost everything that was spoken about this this video. My family always told me I was weird growing up, and I think that's really affected how I see myself. I'm 41 and I feel like I've finally managed to put the pieces together and figure out what is wrong with me.
Same!
Saaaame!
Yes! I recently scrolled through some comments on Reddit that autistic women were making about growing up and boy did I relate!
About special interests...Maybe it gets dismissed in the girls. But apparently if a grown woman likes cats just a bit too much, there IS a social stigma...according to certain people.
There does seem to be a lot of autistic women who have a thing for cats.
Personally, for me, I identify with them. And sensory wise, they are extremely pleasing. Whereas dogs can sometimes be loud and smelly and rough and slobbering. I feel like cats and I are on the same wavelength. And we both don't enjoy loud noises and abrasive people.
@@Dancegeek7 And you can cuddle or enjoy mutual ignoring each other. 🤣
Being a cat person should be a question on the aspie quiz😅
@@GraceBrooks-zy3ms yes! And if the answer is yes, it should at least be a blip on the radar! 😆
@@deirdrestatham5730 the purring is a sensory delight!
👀😂
This made me cry! Thank you for helping others see us... and helping us feel valid.
🤔 Dunno if it’s exclusive to women, but I always had trouble keeping peers of my own age as friends. It was so much easier to hang out with the older siblings or the older kids at church, or the much younger siblings. To the older ones, they couldn’t understand how I was so mature and quiet, so they tended to dote on me. For the younger siblings, I was looked up to like the cool aunt because I was into all of the same “young kid” stuff they were into, but with the knowledge of someone who had hyper focused and was just bursting to share that info excitedly with someone else who cared. Girls my own age always just thought of me as “weird” or childish. “She still plays with Barbies! She still plays with My Little Ponies! She still plays dress-up!” I hated people my own age.
Also, it was often much easier to hang out with boys than other girls. When girls got into crushes and boy bands and makeup and fashion, I was into ninja turtles, legend of zelda, and power rangers. And video games and skateboarding. The older brothers could never figure out why they didn’t have a cool younger sis like me.
Oh, and another stim - related to hair twirling: hair petting. I had a million ponies, and petted their hair all the time. I had dolls with straight as the day hair, so I could pet their hair.
And yet another stim? Putting together and taking apart toys. I couldn’t do make believe play - I just lined toys up and then was done. But hand me a transformer, or sweet secrets, or a mega zord, and I would sit there for hours changing it from humanoid mode to disguise mode and then back again. Hooooours. Just changing the mode.
I always got on better with people not in my peer group, though until recently I would've sworn that came from being homeschooled. I recall the neighbor lady getting troubled by the fact that I enjoyed playing with her toddler (I was maybe six) and forbidding it. Girls my age were weird and they all liked things that didn't matter to me (Barbies, boys, makeup -- I never wear makeup except for Halloween), but I would play along with their interests because it felt like the right social move and I didn't have a lot of options.
As an adult, my best friend and several of the closest friends I've ever had have all been about half my age (in their twenties while I'm in my forties). This no longer surprises me, but it does make me a bit wistful at times, like I somehow got born too early to bond with the right people at the right age or something.
Oh wow, you wrote my experience here, a lot of my friends were my mother's age or are way younger than me. I have one good close friend throughout my adult life -but the rest is transient for the most part. And, as I was reading your post I thought...yeah, I liked to play with my brother's transformers and then you wrote you did (lol) and really, although I 'pretended' to like the boy bands and was assigned a member to have a crush on...I just went along to fit in. My real first kinda wishful crush was on Optimus Prime because in the cartoons I watched whenever I could - he was kind, intelligent, an excellent measured leader AND had a sexy voice. Haha. I didn't even feel bad about saying that out loud cause actual character over everything was the most important to me. Still is. Even if that character was a character. LOL
THIS!!
@@eileengale7661😊 Good on ya. My first crush was 80s cartoon Michelangelo. I wanted to hang out with the fun brother.
🙋♀️
6:34 - "ahhh. She's just being moody today. "
Maybe you thought this but didn't feel right saying it, but another common "reason" others assume is "she must be on her period."
Yes. Especially because being ON your period can be physically overstimulating in many ways, and most of the autistic/adhd population with a working womb will experience some kind of regular mood outburst or mood swing during a period - so if someone knows them, and they're 'moody', it's just a 'normal' outburst and 'they must be on their period'... :/
@jayabee - I felt that. It's been 20 years since my hysterectomy. And maybe I'd have noticed mood things more if the pain wasn't so g-d excruciating every month.
@@EsmereldaPea Tell me about it. I had debilitating cramps every month as a teenager. Written off as "being dramatic." When I had my son, some of my labor contractions were not as bad as the monthly cramps.
@karenjohnson9904 - ugh. I'm so sorry. When I first went to see someone (good) in university, she explained about prostaglandins (they stimulate uterine contractions) and prescribed an anti-prostaglandin (now sold OTC as Aleve/naproxin sodium), she explained that essentially I was going through labor every month. I took loads of that for decades (and as a result can't take it anymore). I wasn't able to get pregnant (endo), so it's validating to hear your description.
Hoping things are better for you!
@@EsmereldaPeaThis part!! I realized what I thought was maybe a reproductive organ issue was actually a hormone issue. Less painful periods meant more mental energy to realize "hey, I'm having really bad symptoms of what is probably pmdd"😅
This video makes me feel very seen. It represents people like me who lack a diagnosis in their 20s because we "function so well" and clinics are booked up. I need to pace for hours a day to soothe my mind and work through my thoughts. I really want to meet more young women like me 😊
The more I learn about autism in girls and women, the more my heart aches for friends and acquaintances who may never realize they’re living with autism or AuDHD. Many of them struggle with anxiety, depression, and self-loathing, unaware of the underlying cause. I’ve been there, and I see it in them. But I know there’s only so much I can do or say to encourage them to explore whether neurodivergence might resonate with their experience. I just know that I am finally at peace with myself. And I want this for them.
I feel it. I send good videos like this one to women that i know they are in the spectrum too and they dont know yet... but most of them believe i send it only for me and my dx. The " click" is not redy for them .... but i keep trying.
After one particular meltdown I told my husband and adult kid that if I texted them 🧠☠ that meant I was in full on shutdown, to please bring me food and water, shut the door and leave me alone until I reset. Even when I can't form a full sentence I figured I could do at least that much. Having a prepared code has reduced my fear of melting down too. I am glad this is becoming better understood. As a woman pushing 60 I have had a lot of these challenges my whole life but the medical knowledge was lagging behind. I was a lot harder on myself then because I didn't understand my brain.
Oh I know that feeling 'Just tell me what's wrong?' 'Why won't you speak to me?' 'Well if you won't talk to me I can't help you!' Followed by their anger...
I can add a little tidbit about the high percentage of people with anorexia nervosa meeting criteria for autism- being severely underweight affects brain function in ways that end up mimicking autistic traits! I work in this field with young people- often ASC may be suspected while someone is very underweight, however as they recover (i.e. restore weight) and their brains change, autistic traits do sometimes disappear. Fascinating!
Wow, that is interesting. It makes me wonder how much autism can be treated by diet changes. Maybe people with autism metabolize food differently and would benefit from something like paleo, keto, carnivore, etc...? Or maybe some of them with more minor autism symptoms are really suffering from one or more food intolerances. I wouldn't be too surprised, considering the state of the food industry.
Question, unfortunately, I am quite underweight. I am trying to gain back 15/20lbs. It has been so hard. Any ideas you would mind sharing? Thank you.
@@Pink-Indiana I'm sorry you're going through a difficult time! Definitely seek help if that is possible for you as it's incredibly hard to do without support-- from professionals and people around you. A starting point could be accessing an online helpline or speaking with your doctor. I wish you all the best x
3:50. And it can be so much more.
Alot of people comment on my mouse sneeze and how "cute" it sounds.
What they don't understand is I spent wayyy too much of my childhood actively controlling my "loud" sneeze.
Now it IS naturally occuring, but dangnabit, it was hard earned.
@MirageAtPlay I am a mouse sneezer...hate loud noises
When I hurt myself I whisper ouch...I thought it was because I did not want to scare my children.
I remember teaching myself to react "cutely" to falling, slipping, getting hurt, etc. when I was a young teen. In retrospect, that's a little depressing.
Omg finally someone else who does that.
I get super irritated at people with those loud screaming sneezes. “I can’t help it!” Yes. Yes you can, you can teach yourself like I had to teach myself, there is no reason everyone needs to have a heart attack because you scream while you sneeze.
@@EmeraldAshesAudio😢 me too i try to react "cute" in every situacion, like i was famous or something but in reality nobody is waching.
Omg yes, i had to teach myself to sneeze through my nose because my natural sneeze was just so goddamn loud. (it's still kinda loud through my noise but if i try and stifle it any more it hurts like a bitch for ages)
I didn’t get diagnosed until I was 37, despite testing into the severe severity in ASD for all categories but social communication, which was moderate severity. I had a childhood diagnosis of ADHD, dyscalculia, and dysgraphia. I had to drop out of high school due to not being able to handle it. I had meltdowns my entire life. Once I tried seeking help as an adult, I was diagnosed with BPD, bipolar, OCD, you name it, someone misdiagnosed me with it. Repetitive thinking, rigidity, emotional dysregulation, sensory issues, self-injury =personality disorder to the psychs I saw, completely due to gender bias and me appearing as a cute, masking girl. I went on disability at age 21. I took pills, did DBT, exposure therapy, all sorts of harmful treatments that never addressed the root cause of my functioning problems. Now I’m in college, in my 40’s, with the accommodations I always needed, working towards becoming a therapist.
I really wish you success on your journey, we need therapists with your experience❤
All the best for you!
So many people say, they are old with 40 and sometimes don't expect more from life. But in lifes like ours it is still so much to discover, enjoy and live because of all those things we could not do or failed to do because we did not know..
I am 37 and got diagnosed with ADHD this year. Not sure if Borderline and/or Autism are there, too. Reading your story reminded me of my life. You give me hope!
That is an awesome story. I’m so glad you survived. Could you share more about what accommodations you have now that are working for you?
@@dn3305 Thank you! The way I see it, I’ve only lived half my life at this point and there’s still so much more to experience in this world
I'm so proud of you
Looping songs is definitely one of my favourite things to do. One time i listened to just a single song pretty much 24/7 for an entire week. But what can I do, it was my mood, i needed my mood song
Reading, reading, and reading. Unaware, until recently, that this may be a form of stimming.
I find myself listening to audiobooks if I'm not reading. I will listen to usually crime series and get connected to the characters - familiarity.
I did not realize my skin-picking could be a form of stimming. 😮
I was always just the strange one. I knew I had a condition, but I didn't fit ANYWHERE.
This. This fits. You are describing me exactly.
Autistic woman, 47 now, diagnosed about 10 years ago. I have struggled all my life with social interactions, sleep, time and task management but have managed to "fake" my way through... which I can tell you, is an exhausting way to function every day!
I am 62 and have not been diagnosed but relate to these videos so much. I'm so tired of people dismissing me when I try to express what I'm experiencing.
I think part of the restrictive food issue is also that being skinny is important for girls, therefor being skinny is one way we can fit in better since we can't do all this other stuff that would make us acceptable. And then we turn our hyperfocus on learning about and then implementing best strategies for achieving it. I didn't go this way but my sister did. She's in her 60s and still struggles with it.
Once again I am floored by how accurate your vids are. "Difficult," and "overreacting," stand out for me but all the points you made were accurate.
My family and the kids and teachers at school made so much fun of my stims I stopped out of pure mortification. I hate to be perceived and it was only drawing attention to me.
I cannot sleep near others and when I finally put my foot down for having a separate bedroom it was such a breakthrough for my mental AND physical health. Not that I sleep well now, but at least I'm not laying their seething at someone else's perfectly normal behavior all night.
Haha for my high school graduation picture quote I wrote something about having gone through life learning to mimic everyone else to survive. *obvious*
I can't convey how much I hate showers. I hate the water on my face, I hate being blind without my glasses, I hate the sharp sting of water on my skin, and I hate the tickly feeling when it's running down me. I hate the eczema flare up from the shampoo and conditioner even though I buy unscented un-everything super inoffensive products. I hate forgetting the order in which I'm supposed to do everything for it simply because I'm too aggravated to think straight. I hate my long wet hair touching me after as I'm trying to dry and get dressed and I hate the feeling on my fingers of touching it to move it out of the way. I do LOVE the feeling of rubbing the shyte out of my face with a wet facecloth though, that is so enjoyable. It is such a mental and emotional effort to force myself in there and some days I just can't make myself do it, no matter how much I need to. I do try to have that be the ONLY mentally exhausting thing I do in a morning but some days it's so overwhelming that having the shower so I can go to the job means I can't actually go to the job. Or I'll be unable to get in there for days and miss a whole week of work. It's hard staying employed.
Girl, I relate to you so much 😭 For a while, I would only take showers every 7-10 days. One adjustment that I’ve made is cutting my hair shorter- rn I have a pixie cut and it makes showering waaay more tolerable lol
i hate showering so much i juat stopped using the showerhead and take baths all the time
I still have dreams that I'm hours late to work and am a walking greaseball. Everything you said resonates with me. I know I smell unclean, I don't care. I would rather stink than live in my skin during or after a shower. I even got caught by my daughter, yelling at a video because an "expert" claimed it's not the hair, it's contaminants on the hair.. BS in running water, after cleansing, me hair aggravates my skin to the rage inducing point.
@@Peachcheek_mendezbut then it would be in non-stop poke the face mode..... If I can't go cue ball, I'd rather be able to bind it.
@@intensestare5027 I'm so jealous. That used to be my solution but now I'm too disabled to get down and back up again. I used to spend 2+ hours in the bath at a time! Now I can only scratch that itch in the hot tub at the local pool, which means being in public, which will never be the same(not to mention I'm allergic to chlorine so I actually itch).
I've been watching your content trying to support my son.
I'm overwhelmed watching this video, tough. This is ME.
Very needed still even for professionals. Thanks!
Thank you!! And yes, we agree - lots more info needed, as well as the shared experiences of autistic women so we can all learn more!
That was so precise! Just being diagnosed 6 months ago and two years ago hitting 50 I got a clue the first time in my life. Thank you for acting female. Liked the background a lot. Unfortunately I was distracted by your intensely reflective stimmer and movements of your hands. As well as the clouds' quick popping up, introducing a new topic, although I like the design. Made it a little hard for me to watch & listen (I didn't want to miss your female acting).
Again: brilliant content! Thanks a lot!
Especially for professionals! I had my therapist AND psychiatrist both ask me, at different times “Why does it matter to you if you’re autistic and/or have ADHD?” I was flabbergasted. Why would I NOT want to know about my own life? They are both content with treating my Depression, not so much my anxiety (won’t prescribe any benzos for anxiety & panic attacks - even though they work miracles!) They said ADHD and Autism DXs are usually for children and are very difficult to assign DX in adults. Basically they were like, don’t make us work, we want to just give you a pill and send you on your way. Don’t be so complicated.
MFCCs often miss diagnosis, and 4:25 can tend to "see" or focus on "trauma". A lot of their advice can help, but is way more effective, when you know the why. Helps to interpret how that person views their past and current interactions.
Im literally SOBBING watching this because I could’ve have known so much sooner if anyone payed attention when i was a kid. Im 31 and didn’t get the answer till 3yrs ago. It’s so obvious and clear now
I was diagnosed ADHD at age 40 and now have hit a bad burnout at 41 while I’m feeling a strong connection to Autism. Of course I’ve done a deep dive the last 6 weeks and this video was so well done and 100%. I’m now confident I’m in an chronic stress led autistic burnout (as a female farmer during climate change, single mom with an autistic son and neurotypical son, who moved farms and homes during busy season only to be in the biggest debt of my life - yayyyyy). But this particular video and podcasts, articles, videos like it are helping people like me AND helping those who love me better understand how to help me find my better healthier version of me. Thank you ❤
Keep listening to the doctors and you'll soon become the disease they claim you have. There are no tests for ADHD or autism. Look for the cause instead of looking for symptoms.
I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart. I today got my diagnosis of autism with ADHD at 42 years old. Never in a million years would I have come down this path had I not stumbled onto your channel. Thank you so much.❤❤❤
Thank you for sharing this - it makes us so happy to hear that we’ve been helpful in your journey 🥹 and best of luck as you get started on the process of rediscovering yourself! Feel free to share some of what you learn along the way too - that journey is also so unique for each of us and I’m sure other people in our community will appreciate hearing about this too ❤️
Everything you’ve touched on hits the right (wrong?) nerves. I grew up in an era where ASD was barely recognized. My parents responded in very negative ways, shaming me, blaming me, name-calling - ‘what could be easier than sitting around looking pretty’, was their reasoning. Glad I finally understand more about myself and my experiences.
I was born in 1980... There's no way my mother would have ever acknowledged a diagnosis for me even if it was recognized back then. She tells me, now, to not talk about it in front of my daughter and maybe she'll just forget she has it 😂😂😂 🙄🙄😳... That's not quite how it works 🤦🏻♀️
Empathy. ❤
I have never felt more seen than I do right now. I knew I was high masking. I didn't realize so many other things I did were part of that. I swear, you just described my entire life from earliest memories to now. I have never been officially diagnosed because back in the 1970s and 80s, girls didn't have autism unless they were non-functioning. I was a rare case that actually DID get an ADHD diagnosis (called 'hyperactivity disorder' at the time) but the only options were Ritalin or nothing. At the time, it was being overprescribed to get kids to be pliant and obedient rather than to help them function, so my mom made the difficult choice not to medicate me. She did everything she could to help through diet, activity, interests, etc. But I've only been medicated for it for about 3 years now. First time in my life I could hear myself think. Which also allowed some clearance of symptoms where I was able to notice how VERY autistic I am. My grandmother was a special ed teacher back in the day, and was a progressive thinker, so she always believed I was on the spectrum. There was simply no way to verify. And by high school when more options became available, I was so fully masked, I seemed functional and fine, if a bit weird and scattered often. So nothing was done. I'm working on getting an official diagnosis once I'm feeling brave enough to try again. (The last time went very poorly with a psychiatrist who got sidetracked discussing ADHD and how it was grown out of in most adults. Not at all what I was there for, but ok great please tell the person living with re-diagnosed adult ADHD more about how I'm deluding myself. Thanks. I see why you make the big bucks.)
Anyway, yeah. Thank you for this video. I plan on sharing it to my family and friends because WHOA. 😳
Diagnosed with ADHD, depression, anxiety, OCD and anorexia but autism not suspected until my seventh decade! My brother is autistic and likely my father but I was far better at masking than either of them so flew under the radar for decades.
It’s frustrating to discover your neurology late in life, but it’s good you have an understanding now. You can better understand why you do what you do… instead of always thinking you aren’t right.
Are you officially diagnosed or are you just recognizing it in yourself? I'm 56 and seriously wondering about this. A lot of this video is hitting me hard. I'm also wondering if there's any point in an official diagnosis.
I was told they suspected co morbid ASD at the end of my ADHD test. They said I’d been stimming throughout the appointment but I wasn’t really aware I’d been doing it since I’m always doing it 🤷🏻♀️ I didn’t want to go back onto another lengthy waiting list (UK based) so I decided I’d just carry on coping like I’ve done all my life. I had a hard time at school, university and work but things improved when I went self employed because I can now make up my own routines and don’t have to be “social” or play by someone else’s rules. If you’d like to find out I think you should try to get tested. My ADHD diagnosis made me start being a lot kinder to myself and giving myself permission to be “different” and not worry so much about it. Good luck with whatever you decide 😊
Love the way you explain things. It’s really helped sharing your videos with those in my life who don’t understand, me and/or ‘my explanations, when they ask about it.
High masking until i randomly hit the emotional wall. Learning to recognize the edges of the abyss has been helpful. I regularly hit overwhelm especially when stressed. Late diagnosed Adhd, also suspected auDhd. I hate executive disfunction. 😖
Me too. Diagnosis was Inattentive ADHD with Autism, so AuDHD, but to make the autism “official” apparently requires a separate diagnosis, and another 3+ year wait. The ADHD meds have helped so much, but my stimming has become more obvious. I’m 62.
This video just sums me up 100%.
I haven't been diagnosed, but I have been called "too sensitive" since I was a very young child. I was my mom's pickiest eater. I have almost every thing on this list. But I'm 50 years old and I wonder what difference would it make for me to be diagnosed. This video hits so hard. I'm crying now.
I'm 64 now. No reason to get diagnosed at this point. Yes, my life would have been very different. Crying is needed but it really doesn't help.
My 17 yr old dtr is recovering from anorexia nervosa, has GAD, sleep issues, persistent fatigue, emotional lability(as perceived by me), and exhibits rocking, angry/defensive outbursts, as well as almost never flushing the toilet, closing an exterior door, cleaning up after self. I am going to move ahead and having her evaluated, as her twin sister was diagnosed two years ago. Thank you for this video. It is a call to Action. I want her to have as targeted a therapy experience as possible. I am so proud of how far she’s come, and she is engaged in therapy.
As a kid I mostly looked like a very shy girl who was a voracious reader. Reading was one of the only ways I knew to short circuit and calm the terrible anxiety spirals I went into over social things all the time. I had at least a dozen special interests over time as I was very aware that other people were entirely uninterested in them, so once I exhausted the joy of learning about something over weeks or months it was no fun to keep it bottled up to myself. As an adult I finally found some interest in hobbies other people do, so at least I could join a community where something like a rant about spinning yarn from cat hair was welcome and engaging to others, rather than being frowned on.
I was silently upset my mother insisted mills and boon books were best for a teen than the enid blyton books. I still dont like adult books much. I basically was told i was no longer old enough for the books. I hold narnia close. A book my grandparents gave me as a teen. But the small relationship fell apart with my mother kid teens. She told me she not know whats wrong with me. Not that she spent much time with me, left alone to figure things out myself, with younger siblings (the eldest 8 yrs younger than me). Maybe i am autistic 🤷♀️. I do wonder if environment also makes a person autistic. If raised in a good environment, easier to function. I have a retreat function, not so much a meltdown one.
Your mention of childhood special interests awoke the long forgotten memory how between ages 8 - 10 I became a specialist about the history of Scotland Yard and Pinkerton. Well, about as much a specialist as a girl could be before the internet was common.
I always get hesitant when being suggested a new video about this topic, but I'm happy to say that yours was a very insightful and thoughtful analysis of our struggles. Thank you for helping me feel seen.
I was "gifted" and "awkward" my whole life and even though I'm male I am queer as well and I think often us queer folks guys can fly under the radar in the same way girls do. Of course this is just my experience but I've known a few more AuDHD guy guys and for the most part are undiagnosed because of our special interests and inherent "otherness" already present.
I'm high-masking female and bi - I get it!
I'm an enby. I think that being autistic is specifically what makes it hard for me to fit into the "female" box. As soon as I saw the word autigender I said, yeeesss! I often wonder how others can be so certain that they are cis and straight, cuz I'm not. It annoys me to live in a culture that enforces a binary on everybody.
This is interesting bc when speacking of woman and autism, I had this insight that there must be more males having the feminine kind of autism. I know one guy who is, though he does not represent very feminine, he is quite a male fysique but still shows more feminine kind of autism.
Since the, I started to call it externalized and internalized autism, to let the gender not take all the main score.
im enby but was socialised as a girl, so most of this video applies to me (even if it is a bit dysphoric hearing woman and girl over and over, I get that the research says that soo I'll deal) plus me being arospec and asexual didn't help my feelings of otherness when everyone always talked about crushes and giggled about the sex ed parts of the school books, so I chalked up lots of my neurodivergent behaviours as part of being queer :/ Us queer folks definitely have an even harder time (intersectionality means double the problems wooo!)
Yes, like my son. Although he describes himself as queer, he is highly empathetic and has always preferred the company of women, usually women with ADHD or Autism.
Thanks, 🙏🏽 informative vid. I like that you showed examples. I’m in my 30’s & recently diagnosed. I masked my whole life & I think ADHD masked many of my symptoms too, I got diagnosed with that 6 years ago. I’m just grateful I got the Truth about everything now. It really sheds light on so much in my past. You really feel a true sense of self love, patience & compassion finally.
@@Wellness_Rose I was diagnosed as inattentive ADD a few years ago after my son was diagnosed with ADHD. I saw a lot of similarities. I knew he was autistic from when he was a baby but he didn’t get diagnosed until around 11. His physical therapists kept saying they couldn’t diagnose him when he was little but most babies don’t self-sooth by banging their heads on the couch all day. 🙄 As I learned more after his diagnosis it started to click that he gets it from me because several behaviours he has I also have but wasn’t aware they’re part of the spectrum. 🤣 I used to think I was just a “jumpy” person but the fact that we both scream at the same loud noises was a big clue. Haha (His dad/my husband plays guitar and whenever the amp would feedback you could hear us both scream wherever we were in the house. lol)
I’ve saved many videos on autism, this is one of the best ones for women… And for myself. Thank you.
Self-diagnosed in my early 50s after a long road, including many false flag diagnoses like anxiety, depression, and even BPD. These were all also self-diagnosed because doctors and therapists all seem to find me too charming to have anything really *wrong* with me due to rockstar level masking/chameleon abilities😎
But the toxic soup of US politics, a pandemic, and more than a few serious personal tragedies over the past decade has given me (body + spirit) an ultimatum about where my most fierce loyalties must lie: to Self or to Others. Damn it if I’m not simply Autist but an Autist Human, the latter of which does require at least a minimum level of social interaction and feeling of belonging.
Alas, a monthly book club whose members appreciate the depth of research and thought I bring to the discussions seems to fit the bill relatively well at the moment.
Love this channel👏🏼
" doctors and therapists all seem to find me too charming to have anything really wrong with me" yeah doctors seem to equate autism with "ugly weirdo" and therefore completely miss this diagnosis when a pretty woman enters their office. Style, clothing, fitness, make up and hair can ALSO be a special interest, just saying
Exactly. I remember telling one therapist that the better I *look*, the *worse* I feel. I described it as my armor against the world, but it actually put a wall between me and “my kind of people,” who typically choose to spend their time and money on more intellectual and spiritual pursuits. Hard to change when living in a society that tells you how lucky you are to be accepted by the Cool Kids, even as you recoil from their banality.
I’m grateful for channels like this one who provide language to better explain myself, to others as well as to myself. Strong special interests indeed.
@@BaiMengLing This. Makeup and skincare products are a special interest from when I was very young, doing my mom's makeup when I was 4 years old (though not well, lol). In middle school, I would cut out tiny pictures of eyeshadow from Avon catalogs and arrange the colors in different ways for HOURS. I then got a degree in chemistry and these days my friends ask me for advice on products -- cue ingredients-research rabbit-hole.
Diagnosed 45. All my life I was described as oversensitive, being dramatic about things that were too much for me, "Indulging in victimhood" if i complained about pain, discomfort or not being listened to or understood. I was dismissed by so many doctors until one female doctor who said neurodivergent people like us.... if only there had been something like this to show my doctors even 20 years ago. Thanks for this. Its so valuable
I read obsessively as a child and still do now. I get stuck on one subject and focus intently on it until my attention moves into something else. I’ve always wondered if I might be autistic. I’m very socially awkward.
I am a late diagnosed autistic woman and it made me feel so much better that you opened with, the main thing is struggling socially and wanting to have friends but having a hard time w that.... that feels like a core experience of my life. Having friends that I loved, realizing they were making fun of me or didn't like me that much. People moving. And having kids. It's made it so difficult for me to maintain friendships.
At 5:50, you say women are emotional, implying that the anger and frustration that men feel aren't emotions. It would be more accurate to say both men and women are emotional. Men are more likely to express their frustration through blame and aggression while women are more likely to shame themselves which shows up as crying. But both are emotional.
Agreed. Men are hella emotional
I think he was more stating how society views men and women. I could be wrong though. Through out it I felt he was more showing how society will write off as women being overly emotional as opposed to men.
I felt so seen by this video. I remember my childhood friend teaching me how to walk normally when we were about 11 years old. I was diagnosed a few months ago at age 45 and it’s been amazing and validating. Thank you for this content! 🙏
oh i love that you had a friend to help you! i remember being so hurt when my fav aunt just randomly snapped at me to "walk properly" one day - i didn't know that i wasn't, and i didn't know how!
When I started CBT, my therapist said she wouldn't be surprised if I tested as high functioning autistic. Everything you said here is spot on for me. Even bad eating habits. As I've gotten older, i just forget to eat. I even hired a personal trainer because unless someone is yelling at me to move it, I won't. I've always been told I can fit into any group of people I socialize with like I'm a chameleon. Never once did I think I was mirroring others, but it makes perfect sense since I've spent my entire life feeling like I don't know who I am and constantly trying to discover myself only to be led astray by the next person who shows me something and I think I'm just like them. I was diagnosed as bipolar 2, codependency, adhd, anxiety, ptsd. I was prone to angry outbursts when overwhelmed then breakdown after from guilt. I usually have a large circle of acquaintances, but only one or two close friends that are MINE 😂 I overly fixate to the point of obsession and have zero filter. CBT has helped a lot, and most of these traits aren't as bad as they were the older I get. But I still have moments where I say wtf is wrong with me? And your video nailed all of it. Thank you for shedding light on the parts of me that there's nothing wrong with. You made my day.
A dear friend once told me that I can fit in anywhere, but stick out like a sore thumb anywhere. 😂😂 It's the best description of myself I've ever heard.
The angry outbursts are the worst for me. And when they hit during a meltdown, wow, I always feel sorry for anyone who has ever been around me during those episodes.
I found this really helpful & interesting, thank you. I have a mid 20 yr old daughter, finally diagnosed a couple of years ago. She was initially assessed aged 9/10, first referred aged 3. The conclusion? “She has a lot of autistic traits but she is not autistic as she is ‘social’”, despite the fact that her attempts at fitting in socially & making friends were disasters & never lasted. I vividly remember walking out the room when told that, I KNEW the struggles she had, I was basically told I was the problem because I was ‘too soft’ on her 🤬
I will NEVER forgive that woman
Thanks for this. Most of my autistic friends are of the "fella" variety and it's not always easy to communicate to them why my flavor of autism is so different than theirs. I've had different expectations for my behavior and different consequences for when I don't "human correctly".
I actually prefer them as friends because of often being misunderstood by other women but with men I sometimes struggle with them perceiving my actions as flirting as opposed to just enjoying their company…so that’s hard too!
I never feel okay with NDs. I brawl with them so much... I feel nothing they feel.
So true. My whole life I've been called difficult, overly sensitive, strong-headed, selfish, ... because I couldn't do what others do, like go out and be hungry for hours or eat what they have (and I can't stand), crying over getting wet in the rain... I thought something was seriously wrong with me and I had to hide it, so I wouldn't complain, I would quietly avoid what I can't stand, tried to power through work and bright lights, struggled with migraines, health issues, getting worse and worse... but tried to function anyway. All so that nobody could see how broken I was inside. And it was lonely, sooo lonely, nobody understood, even when I tried to explain... it seemed like people couldn't relate at all and I didn't know why. Even among friends, I still felt alone, like I was living in a different world and when I was trying to be authentic, what I said didn't even reach their ears.
I thought I had BPD, due to not knowing who I am, social struggles and "being emotional". Diagnosed with aspergers at 29. 🙂
This is me. Newly dx at age 46 because of severe burnout. I was first dx with GAD and OCD in my 20s. Lots of therapi that did not help much. My meltdowns have always been internalized. When i shut down I can’t find my words. To speak becomes almost impossible.
Yes, I stop being able to form thoughts when I'm over my threshold. I can feel myself reaching it so I have to get away before it hits, or I start acting super awkward I think.
This.
The lady of the house here, can not speak when overloaded.
Late Dx after a huge burnout.
You just described my entire life, sir. I was diagnosed at 32 with Autism and with ADHD at 33. I deal with migraines, and disordered eating (looking into AFRID at the moment)... And I was diagnosed with GAD as well as Persistent Depressive Disorder as a result of living as an undiagnosed autistic for my entire life.
Gonna be sending this video to my therapist as well as my loved ones to help them understand me better. Thank you
It’s very weird I feel like you just described me😂
I am diagnosed and have been since I was around thirteen(21 now), but I have never considered myself very autistic due to me not seeing clear symptoms of it. So you telling me that the things I am struggling with are actually symptoms, is kinda refreshing.❤
Looking back on my life now in the light of Autism mixed with ADD. I know my mom thought I would never learn to tie my shoes, tell time and write in cursive! Took forever but today I am proud to say I have those skills mastered. Now if I could just stop the squirrels in my head.
I'm asd, adhd, anxiety and depression. Growing up id cry when i got overwhelmed or seemingly randomly. I get that now too but my hubby is very understanding
Great video! My 6yo son was diagnosed last year after me bringing up concerns about his speech delay. I was shocked because he acts exactly like me as a child. I’ve realized I 100% mask any time I’m outside my house and it explains a whoooole lot. Before I thought it was just an INTJ female thing.
I can relate to a lot of these. I was diagnosed with autism way back in my teens, and apparently it was noticable already in pre-school. I was much more obviously autistic as a kid than I am now as an adult. Over the years I've learned to mask really a lot. Even getting myself used to wearing makeup and clothes that does irritate my senses because looking a certain way (feminine and neurotypical) matters more to me than being 100% comfortable. I've practiced socializing really a lot and even enjoy small talk these days. I've also put a lot of effort into taking care of my hygiene even when it's hard, so nowadays I have a skincare routine, shower daily and make sure my clothes are always clean. I've found medicine and mindfulness to cope with the sensory overload of getting my periods too.
A lot of people don't even believe me anymore when I say I have autism. Although they do typically notice once they get to know me, because I can't really hide how bad my executive function is (my sleep cycle and diet is a mess, I struggle to keep my home clean, I have hoarder tendencies, my mom does my bills for me, etc) or that I eat the same thing for weeks on end, or that 99% of my hobbies are art related, or that I'm always in some kinda hyperfocus, or my weird stimming habits like staring at the same picture of a world of warcraft character hours every day for 10+ years. Or even more complex things like for ex I still have a tendency to take things a bit too literally or express myself too bluntly. Or heck, writing way too long comments on youtube...
Honestly, I'm kinda proud of my masking, because it helps me be more functional in society, be treated better at least upon first impression. It helps me gain friends, and get simple issues solved like asking for directions when I'm lost. It helps me feel more normal, and more like a part of society. Honestly I don't even see it as masking. I see it at learning and self-improvement. Because no one is born with those traits (being sociable, liking wearing itchy/tight clothes, social etiquette, etc) we all just kinda have to learn those skills to have them.
And it shouldn't be considered a mask just because I learned those skills in my 20's and 30's instead of in kindergarten. I'm not pretending to be someone else just because I changed some of my behaviours as an adult. How I am today is just as authentic as how I was 20 years ago when I was first diagnosed. All it really means is my autism makes it more difficult for me to learn certain (especially abstract) things. Also, while learning all these things and socializing a lot etc can be exhausting, I'm learning little by little how to increase my energy levels without causing a meltdown too often. But, my having so extremely low energy by default, this a huge reason why I've never been able to have a job.
So to a certain extent every single person masks…. so it’s not a problem that you’re happy with it, but for some people It’s not just something they’re actively doing. You can get to the point where it becomes a defence mechanism, and you sort of dissociate while doing it because you can’t react socially, any other way it’s like auto pilot but you can’t get out of it ….and basically all of masking is fitting in with whatever everyone else is doing ….if you’re around terrible people you can get into bad social situations ,because you can’t perceive your own boundaries in the moment. because you don’t trust your intuition over people saying (oh he just likes you) even when he’s touching you inappropriately ,or saying (don’t worry we’re just joking) Every time they try to humiliate you …😮 bad masking is getting Home completely distraught over the fact that you couldn’t stop someone from cutting your hair wrongly,because you just can’t communicate with a stranger when you don’t like something.. because you couldn’t trust your feelings while it was happening to you,😢 because you usually feel uncomfortable when someone cuts your hair ,so you automatically suppressed all of your discomfort… and now you’re having a meltdown at home and you feel like a worthless piece of shit because you couldn’t ,verbalise or advocate for yourself😔 that’s what most people are talking about when they mention masking and how to affects them. You don’t tend to talk about positive things when you commiserating.
I tend to agree with you about 'masking.' I think of it in the same way that we all learn to mask our need to urinate at certain times. It's a natural urge, but socially, we all learn to hold it in until we find the right place to do it. Learning to do this is hard. Really hard for some toddlers. But to be part of a society, we all learn to do it. At some points as youngsters, some of us wet our pants, or need to do an emergency run to the bathroom because we weren't noticing our body giving us clues, but generally, we all can notice that we need to deal with that urge or need in a particular way at a particular time. As a 65 year old, I, too, am proud that I have learned to be functional, kind and attentive to more than my own needs. I decided in my 40s that masking wasn't a bad trait, but it was my own chosen way to be part of society. It takes a lot of energy, and I AM very much of a vegetable at home. So is my husband, though, so it's okay.
I used to read 6+ books a week, I'd sit alone in the stairwell at school and struggled making real friends. I was good at school because my mother pushed me extremely hard at home to study. I flew under the radar until I went to university. I didn't have my mother pushing me to do work anymore and I was far away from any friends or family. I developed insomnia, wouldn't come out of my room and would have random anxiety attacks. I had to take a year off due to what I now retrospectively would call my first ADHD burnout. I went to see many different therapists and eventually got diagnosed with both ADHD and ASD. It was such a relief but it's been quite the uphill battle from there still.
This is 100% me. Diagnosed with adult ADD, depression, etc, etc…
I finally feel seen…I’m 53.
Thank you... I don't know if i am autistic or have adhd... but i feel seen and loved with your videos and want to thank you and Debby so very very much
@@soulieobelissevan ❤️❤️❤️
I went into this video cus i was curious and "high masking" in the title really made me wonder if id be able to see it in ppl i knew and somehow be helpful,, but i feel like you just described me for 13 minutes straight 😭😭
I think it is because a lot of the descriptions are completely normal ...like not liking interruptions, social awkwardness, focused interests. Normal.
(33yo undiagnosed) I have every single one of these, I could cry. I was even diagnosed with bpd at 16yo which I never felt fit because ‘fear of abandonment’ is like the prime indicator for bpd and I couldn’t care less about being with/close to people (yuck, just stress) I just didn’t want to be seen as ‘different and/or weird’ and bullied for it like I had been in primary school so I did whatever I could to be ‘social’ and ‘fit in’ even if I didn’t want to and to my own detriment which caused massive social burn out, anxiety and depression to this day hence the bpd misdiagnosis at the time 😞 though luckily now I prioritise my ‘healing alone time’ over what others think and expect of me and have found more peace. Thank you for making me feel seen, I hope whoever needs to see this does and is able to accept themselves and become more content ❤️
Look, I’m not saying that you don’t make a beautiful woman… _but_ that look at 3:30 terrified me 😅
Omg it was horrible. I threw up in my mouth twice during the editing process.
@@ChrisandDebby I laughed so much and I really needed to today so I appreciate your sacrifice and please know that it wasn’t in vain.
This was so beautifully presented. Warm, funny, thoughtful. Thank you.
LOL… sleeping in the same bed when we’re both autistic is our longest on going argument. Snoring, hogging the bed, covers…
Wife and I each have our own blanket and the biggest bed we could find. That being said, her snoring has sent me to our spare bedroom more than once...
After one year together we both agreed to live/ sleep separately, but we manage plenty of cuddle/sexy time before we are too exhausted and wind down each on our own.
Urrgghh don't do it! Unless you have space for a super king size bed.
Omg yes! Sometimes I have to sleep with earbuds lol
Just take the “I Love Lucy” approach.
Father and I spent today at an intro bonsai class. I spotted at least one other neuroatypical human right away, male. I believe an older female teacher later also fit this category. And then a few others. Think about bonsai for a minute. I think “difference” rates have to be at about 80% of serious enthusiasts. Anyway. I’d say me and my father are affected about the same in degree of intensity, if estimating that makes any sense. We both were there to learn the same material, learn the same tasks, produce the same tree at the same beginner level. Who was constantly engaged in negative corrective feedback? Who was not left alone to work without interruption? Who was expected to do all the socializing for silent father? I was wearing orange light blocking glasses. Doesn’t that scream weirdo (said with love and pride)? Nope. I was constantly forced to perform socially for 5 hours because (mostly male) strangers who themselves were probably half on the spectrum saw it as my job. All I wanted was to think about my tree. I loathe loathe loathe talking to people I don’t know. But I did it. I did it maybe superbly. I am an attorney. I am hyperlexic. I was a psychoanalystic therapist before I realized the feeling I could die from being looked at all day was real. I KNOW how to talk to people. I have never had any choice. I hate it. Understand differences between men and women may also be brain differences but THEY ARE ALWAYS ALREADY MISOGYNY. You get extra points if you know the phrase “always already” BTW.
The other day I literally told someone “I’m tired and can’t socialize right now because my ability to talk is negative five percent” and it got me off the hook from “having to” socialize. It was great 😂
Watching this was like someone describing my life word for word. Will be showing this vid when I have trouble explaining things to other people in my family. Thank you.
I love how Chris (and Debby) always seem to get this right! Late diagnosed earlier this year actually (I was 42, turned 43 in August) and watching this just completely validated both my childhood and adult experiences. I’m STILL told I’m “too emotional” or “intense”. And there’s no grace in the world for autistic adults. As an adult, the world expects you to have your sh*t together and “stop using ‘autism’ as an excuse”. Which leads right back to the faking normalcy cycle and routine exhaustion. Then add any mental health or chronic illness crap you got going on and it’s a recipe for straight burnout. Geez!
Thank you so very much for putting the words together that explains my entire life experience.