Gender Performativity and the Surveillance of Womanhood
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 3 ก.พ. 2022
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🎞 videos used/mentioned:
Jesse Gender: "What Are TERFs?" • What Are TERFs? - How ...
John Berger: "Ways of Seeing." • John Berger / Ways of ...
Judith Butler Resources:
Mrs. Fisher: • Media Studies - Butler...
Film and Media Studies with Jordan Schonig:
Part 1: • Judith Butler's Theory...
Part 2: • Judith Butler's Gender...
Lime Cheese Salad:
• OutlanDishes: Jello Li...
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💻 sources!
1. Amies, Marion. “The Victorian Governess and Colonial Ideals of Womanhood.” Victorian Studies, vol. 31, no. 4, Indiana University Press, 1988, pp. 537-65, www.jstor.org/stable/3827856.
2. “Archaic Greece.” Wikipedia. en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Archaic...
3. Butler, Judith. “Performative Acts and Gender Constitution: An Essay in Phenomenology and Feminist Theory.” Theatre Journal, vol. 40, no. 4, Johns Hopkins University Press, 1988, pp. 519-31, doi.org/10.2307/3207893.
4. Butler, Judith. Williams, Cristan. “Judith Butler on gender and the trans experience: "One should be free to determine the course of one’s gendered life”.” Verso books. May 26, 2015. www.versobooks.com/blogs/2009...
5. Carlson, Shirley J. “Black Ideals of Womanhood in the Late Victorian Era.” The Journal of Negro History, vol. 77, no. 2, Association for the Study of African American Life and History, Inc., 1992, pp. 61-73, doi.org/10.2307/3031483.
6. Course Hero. "Performative Acts and Gender Constitution: An Essay in Phenomenology and Feminist Theory Study Guide." Course Hero. 8 Jan. 2021. www.coursehero.com/lit/Perfor...
7. Douglas, Delia D. “Venus, Serena, and the Inconspicuous Consumption of Blackness: A Commentary on Surveillance, Race Talk, and New Racism(s).” Journal of Black Studies, vol. 43, no. 2, Sage Publications, Inc., 2012, pp. 127-45, www.jstor.org/stable/23215203.
8. Em. “A Succinct Summary of Judith Butler’s “Performative Acts and Gender Constitution”.” Wordpress. February 23, 2013. sarahmmrow.wordpress.com/2013...
9. Gleeson, Jules. “Judith Butler: We Need to Rethink the Category of Woman.” The Guardian. September 7, 2021. www.theguardian.com/lifeandst...
10. Hay, Carol. “Who Counts as a Woman?” New York Times. www.nytimes.com/2019/04/01/op...
11. Hooks, Bell. Ain’t I a Woman: Black Women and Feminism. Pluto Press, 1982. Print.
12. Nathanson, Hannah. “Jane Birkin on Chasing Beauty: I Used to Sleep with an Eye Pencil Under my Pillow.” Elle. October 27, 2020. www.elle.com/uk/beauty/a34459...
13. Ospina, Maria Southard. “Why is Hyperfemininity Expected of Fat Women?” Dazed. 19 July 2017. www.dazeddigital.com/fashion/...
14. Roth, Rachael. “Privacy is a Privilege: How Surveillance Culture Impacts Women.” Dashlane. March 22, 2021. blog.dashlane.com/women-surve...
15. Serano, Julia. “Julia Serano on Judith Butler.” Blogspot. September 11, 2015. juliaserano.blogspot.com/2015/...
16. Sparknotes. “The Second Sex: Important Quotes Explained.” Sparknotes. www.sparknotes.com/lit/second...
17. Tannam, Ellen. “How John Berger Changes Our Ways of Seeing.” RTE. 24 January 2017. www.rte.ie/culture/2017/0107/...
18. Trafas, Marlena. “Femininity as Performance, and the Changing Face of Female Identity.” Lonewolfmag. lonewolfmag.com/evolution-of-...
19. Wakefield, Lily. “Feminist Icon Judith Butler Compares TERFs and So-Called ‘Gender Critics’ to Facists.” Pinknews. 7 September 2021. www.pinknews.co.uk/2021/09/07...
20. Weiss, Suzannah. “7 Ways Women are Expected to Perform Femininity.” Bustle. January 9, 2017. www.bustle.com/p/7-ways-women...
21. Welter, Barbara. “The Cult of True Womanhood: 1820-1860.” American Quarterly, vol. 18, no. 2, Johns Hopkins University Press, 1966, pp. 151-74, doi.org/10.2307/2711179.
22. “Women in Greece.” Wikipedia. en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Women_i... - แนวปฏิบัติและการใช้ชีวิต
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[edit 2: though I do discuss trans women toward the middle + end of the video, I should have definitely included trans women in the opening sentence where I state that John Berger’s comments contextualize the realities of *afab* people, because without including the experience of trans women to that specific quote, I am erasing the reality that they experience this form of surveillance as well!! Thank you for the conversations you are having in the comments! I will be committing them to my brain. 🤍] original edit: Publishing me wishes editing me would have added this to the tangent section bc I know no one reads BUT much of the talking points surrounding the dissolution/de-emphasis of the gender binary has been co-opted by TERFs (which is why I mention it alongside their ideology). However, not everyone who advocates for deemphasized gender roles are TERFs! The main difference I have noticed in this time of research is that those who advocate for gender dissolution are seeking for society to NOT socialize people into binary gender roles based on biological traits. Therefore, people would be free to express themselves however they want without the threat of punishment for not ascribing to their assigned gender. It's my current understanding that TERFs use this rhetoric of dissolution to INSTEAD advocate for the dissolution of gender while maintaining the emphasis of biological traits as identifiers, which feeds their transphobia [see tangent for details]. In the very least, this is what I've gathered from other sources and TERF blogs in the past month. This theory is still very new to me so I would love some extra knowledge from you to keep in mind during my continued research! (Unless you're a TERF. Booooo tomato tomato tomato I'm throwing tomatoes).
You articulated this flawlessly 🌟
How I understand it:
Terfs: Gender isn't real, only biological sex is real. Abolish gender and keep only biological sex.
Actual advocates for post-genderism: Abolish the binary of gender so that any individual can express themselves in whatever way suits them best, without societal pressure to confirm to gendered stereotypes.
Love your content. And the hat.
Personally, I consider the conscription of biological traits (ie. biological sex) itself to be a part of gendered socialization, as really the biological basis for sex categories is shaky at best. Don't get me wrong, the anatomy, etc., associated with reproduction DO exist (in a semi-ironic co-opting of the "sex is real" slogan), but the categories and associations we assign to them are not necessarily true. There are two general bits of evidence I have to share, but really these are just a summary of broader discoveries and conclusions made in the field of biology.
The first is a publication from Hyde et. al, titled "The Future of Sex and Gender in Psychology - Five Challenges to the Gender Binary." It goes over a lot of research in various fields that challenge a lot of the aspects of bio-sex categories. There's even additional research beyond that (if you're interested, I had a fantastic conversation over Zoom with Augustin Fuentes about this exact subject, as he knows quite a bit about what research is out there, and he's very responsive to emails if you reach out to him), including challenges to our understanding of bias and social identity formation as they relate to discrimination and stereotypes.
The second thing I wanted to bring up is some super interesting genetics stuff relating to the supposed innateness of bio-sex. We'll disregard discussion of hormones vs genetics vs anatomy for now, but there does exist a pair of genes referred to as "sex maintenance genes," but sometimes also as "sex reversal genes" (less commonly). These genes are Dmrt1 and foxl2. They basically keep testicular/ovarian cells as testicular/ovarian cells. But if something happens to one or either of them, flipping them on or off like a switch, those cells could go through what's called transdifferentiation, in which they lose all their differentiated properties and take on properties of the "other" kind of cell, even to the point where they start secreting different hormones. This by the way does bring up the potential for a new form of HRT for pre- and non-op trans people (if only doctors cared enough), but the key thing is that it challenges the supposed innateness of even anatomical differentiation.
Ironically, it’s always Terfs I see upholding the gender binary/roles and calling any cis woman that doesn’t fit into the ideal woman, "men" or "actually trans women". 🙄*
'we live on a floating rock' -🤓🤓🤓🤓🤓🤓🤓🤓🤓🤓🤓🤓
My sister wears lip gloss before she goes to sleep "just in case" she says. I'm not sure what she's preparing for, but I know it's not uncommon for girls to want to look good even in their sleep. The whole "I woke up like this" ideal. It's more than frustrating how we feel pressured to always look "presentable".
she's kissing her crush in her dreams
I put vasaline on my lips but because I don't want to wake up with dry lips.
@✎ 𝘦𝘭𝘺𝘴𝘪𝘹𝘯 Makes sense, I'm sure the action can be done for fun, the video just made me reflect on my sisters behavior and wonder where it stems from, she's also kinda a perfectionist so it probably has much to do with that as well
@@efi2913 It all makes sense now!
right? everyone knows it's lip balm you wear to sleep, only to try to mitigate crusty morning lips.
"I'm not saying being desired by men is a privilege, if anything it's an insult" I DIED 💀
is it really an insult i can’t help it 😭
@@nicoleonlysometimes824 lol I married one so it's all good. They're not all bad...but some of them, oof 😣
Lmaooo 😂😂😂😂 I loved that part
Why do I feel this? 😭
The truth
just gotta post this quote thats lived in my head for years
“Male fantasies, male fantasies, is everything run by male fantasies? Up on a pedestal or down on your knees, it's all a male fantasy: that you're strong enough to take what they dish out, or else too weak to do anything about it. Even pretending you aren't catering to male fantasies is a male fantasy: pretending you're unseen, pretending you have a life of your own, that you can wash your feet and comb your hair unconscious of the ever-present watcher peering through the keyhole, peering through the keyhole in your own head, if nowhere else. You are a woman with a man inside watching a woman. You are your own voyeur.”
Margaret Atwood
I hate this quote for how true it is! I hate that I know this feeling and cannot escape it
I cant believe she didn't talk about this one
@@beckyginger3432 same I'm angry that I've internalised this, I genuinely don't know how to escape it.
@@xXWithoutMyHeroesXx I referenced it in one (or two) other video(s) about femininity so I felt it would have been overkill to try for a third hahaha 💖
@@Shanspeare the john berger quote you put in was new to me and says the same thing and ur choice of that one for this video was perfect 💚💚 i cant thank u enough for your videos dude
The problem you run into when you are not participating in the current beauty standards (as a woman) you are being treated very differently. People are suddenly not as nice as they were when you looked presentable. This in turn trains you to always participate, since everyone wants to be treated well by other people.
Obviously it's not the same as your experience but as a guy who lost a lot of weight and works in customer service it's very funny how differently people treat me now
@@craviel7360 Yeah it’s crazy how the fear of gaining weight is often seen as shallow when weight actually influences how we get treated…
I remember when I briefly shaved at 9 years old (9!!! that's crazy! that's a baby child right there!!!) and stopped shortly after, and then three years later I was bullied horrendously for it.... Man. Being androgynous is all fun and games until you realize how much value people place on the gender binary
Note for anyone who might benefit:
It's hard, but worth doing the work to connect to your values and your body so often and deeply, you can feel more and more at home in it and be less and less shaken by what the outside world makes of it. We're always going to be social creatures affected by social systems, but I still think our self-talk is a powerful thing we can train to be kinder and more empowering towards ourselves in spite of it all.
So for whoever needs to hear it:
Your body is just a vessel for you to be alive in, neither good nor bad--it just is. Be gentle with it because it works hard to keep you alive. Gravitate towards what makes **you** feel most at home in and around it, because no one else lives there but yourself ♡
@@illusrin ok, but that doesn't help people when it comes to employment discrimination and stuff. This isn't just about how I feel about others accepting me, it's about my ability to move through the world and fulfill my desires and take care of myself without facing barriers. Unless you're born very wealthy (and honestly, even then), then your ability to support and care for yourself partially depends on other people accepting or at least tolerating you. Being cut off from social benevolence or people suddenly treating you hostility as tangible consequences outside of just the emotional health aspects.
I remember not understanding why I thought i looked boyish/manly. I am latina and I remember being younger and always wearing clips in my hair/headbands/etc. because i didnt want anyone to think i wasnt a girl. I grew up and saw that i associated my features as “less feminine” “harsher” etc. Longing for a smaller nose, less pointed chin, softer brows. Ofc ideals change, but its sad to think of a 6 year old disliking herself. And growing up to realize that a 6 year old had been brainwashed into thinking Eurocentric features were the only thing thats feminine.
I had the same anxiety as a kid! My parents dressed us pretty androgynous for no other reason than it was the 90’s and I was a child and they put us in comfy clothes to play in. And I had such anxiety , as a young Latina growing up in a conservative community, that I wasn’t feminine enough. I’d change my voice and make sure I wore only certain Colours… at 25 I still get self conscious at my less feminine body type … it’s a nightmare out there for us :’D
I have had insecurities about my shoulders (I have broad shoulders) my height, weight, trying to laugh at the not funny "people could do dives off your nose" and hating my heart shaped face and thick eyebrows. I look like my dad, almost his twin, he's tall, slender, but broad shoulders, narrow waist, my mom always called him Larry Byrd 😒 kids are mean, but so us your own mom saying "you look just like your dad, except pretty- and you only got his nose shape, not size. I always said he would make a pretty woman." Gotta love our moms for unintentionally giving us complexes about our looks 🙃
I'm south asian but I had pretty much the same experience. I always felt like I had to go out of my way to be perceived as feminine or pretty. It honestly took me a while to accept that I won't ever fit into those standards. I do like and accept the way I look now but I still get insecure about it.
Exactly! 👏🏾👏🏾
This was me as a child. I grew up in Latinoamerica, but I always thought my friends were more pretty and femenine than me because they were white. All the aspects of femeninity that I wanted they had it automatically (they could wear something without thinking they would look "dark", etc). Now I wanna hug my 8 year old self and tell her that she's amazing.
I remember hearing abt women in the 50s going to bed later and waking up earlier than their husbands in order to take off n put on makeup without them noticing so they would always think of them as naturally looking like that which idk how common it actually was but even if it wasnt common, the idea of anyone feeling as though they have to do that is so sad
You should watch the Marvelous Mrs Maisel. It's a great show and there is a scene showing exactly what you're describing
That’s wild (but sadly not surprising). It all keeps going back to what do men think, do they approve, validation from them. Hell, it’s only since realizing I’m attracted to women that I’ve been paying less attention to how guys might perceive me everywhere I go. I still catch myself doing it though, I’m working on it.
So let me get this straight, women did this for the same men who don't even wash their penis and have bear belly's. I can't. I'm trying to can BUT I can't SMH
My first husband got angry and called me a liar when he caught me using a nail file, like he had no clue that natural nails needed maintenance to look nice and felt like I was manipulating him. I was less authentically beautiful to him because they didn't naturally grow out in that almond shape. I was deeply confused by the whole thing. I have sensory issues and loathe that 'snag' and my grooming routine literally had nothing to do with him. It was pure coincidence that he had never seen me doing it before.
Wow. Just wow. Unbelievable. Now I am disturbed and confused too. (By him, not you.)
I’m convinced that these weird ass 1950s recipes were a form of protest by bores housewives. Their stepford existence was slowly driving them crazy, and caused resentment towards their husbands. They were effectively like “you want me to make dinner? I’ll make you dinner!”’ It’s a dumb headcannon but it’s the only sense I can make from all the jello
I hope because I can not just think of why would anybody even think its good idea to make it. Also cute selfie
I second this stance lol
That and the tranquilizers they took to deal with life
This is my new headcanon 😂
@@maryeckel9682 yessss, the tranquilizers. Nobody talks about the fact that they all took Valium to literally make it through their lives.
As a woman I never even realised how much of my experiences are tied to how I curate the image of who I’m trying to be perceived as.
The performance is so normal it seems to be second nature to me and since it’s something all the other women I know also part take in, it never occurred to me that one could simply not participate.
Yoooo. I went down that way not too long ago, realizing years of external expectations have been ingrained into my psyche, it was very confusing.
When I trained myself to eliminate the thoughts of perception, and relinquished the conditioning, I struggled, and I’m still struggling to figure out who I am without it, and how to show up in the world.
I don’t think not participating is the answer, but to work to ensure that “the performance” is by your own design. I haven’t figured that part out yet, but I hope you do (if you want to) and that you live long and prosper! :-)
Don't participate, girl! Although, as a non participant, I have found it is quite difficult to find a male partner. So if you are heterosexual, pretty lonely (partner-wise).
If you don't participate you get bullied horribly, everyone hates when someone is different.... I never knew why people thought I was strange but now I know cause I don't believe in the femininity performance, we as humans are so complex way better than any stereotype
I've never participated, and honestly it's a bit isolating
The recipes that came out of the 50s housewife era have to be recognised as crimes against humanity, sincerely a girl who never left her chunky eyeliner phase👁👄👁
my eyelashes just cover how big my eyeliner is now 😈
Hey I've seen you around quite a bit!
why do they use potatoes in cake??..what
Potato Salad, pot pies, etc have killed more people than Antifa ever will (that is, more than 0). They are blights on our collective existence.
Friendly reminder that Fascists are über sexist and if you’re anti Antifa, you’re just Fa(scist).
The changes in post-war food manufacturing and typical diet is as fascinating as it is disgusting. People were really out there turning things into jello that had no business being jiggly, all to flex they could (gelatin had been extremely costly before the invented the powdered stuff).
One personal theory I have is that it was partially because middle class white women had largely depended on black cooks, and that was the first generation in a *while* that had actually been responsible for food and childcare without domestic help.
tears started swelling up in my eyes when you mentioned how fat women have to perform femininity. growing up as a hairy indian fat girl, it felt so dehumanizing knowing all these things about me made me less attractive in the eyes of society that I had to wear makeup and girly clothes in order to feel better about myself. i still am fat and feel like i need to be this hyperfeminine standard and its really exhausting
girl, you are enough. That's all I want you to know. You are enough. You are a human being that should be respected. People care about you. You don't have to be perfect, you are enough. Take good care of yourself.
❤️💕❤️💕❤️sending you a big hug!💕❤️💕❤️💕💕❤️💕 No one should ever have to feel these ways, due to men creating what's acceptable and unacceptable for women. I love you sis, the way you are..and now you must learn t o love yourself. I know it's hard sometimes, I know♥️
It's a testament to just how many levels of messed up these beauty standards are when you consider that even I as a white girl had similar insecurities growing up, just because I didn't fit the "blond hair, blue eyes, hairless and petite" look. I'm Greek and that's just not what most of us look like. I'm very hairy unless I do something about it, my facial features have been described- for better or for worse- as "earthy" and "intense", I have poofy black hair and dark eyes + I was always chubby. Opening up a magazine as a teen in the 2000's and seeing all the foreign women with their straight blonde hair and round & soft facial features, completely hairless and slender (ok, I guess there was occasionally a brunette with professionally stylized curls thrown in there lol) being presented as the one desirable way to be was damaging enough to my sense of self-esteem as it was, I can't imagine what WOC went and are continuing to go through. And of course- contrary to what stereotypes will have you believe- in my experience there was no stricter enforcer of those beauty standards than teenage boys lmao. They were downright vicious, both in what they said and what they didn't.
Elisa Acello If these ‘standards’ are created by men they are unfortunately perpetuated by many women.
@@DR-nh6oo yes, that is unfortunately true... Especially historically speaking. I really Do believe that we are heading in a good direction as women not conforming to these age-old standards anymore. That gives me hope. I do Not think most modern young men want this to continue or would dare push it on us women.. but, there are still many men that do continue to. Even a small percentage of men, statistically, is a large number of men.. But, yes, we must continue to do our part in the pushback of what makes us comfortable, fashionably, cosmetically..just own and express ourselves how we wish and know that other good people will love us for just being ourselves.. whatever that may "look like"🙂
Someone was making fun of me for wearing a beret today so im happy to see a fellow beautiful black girl wearing one 😄
I bet you looked amazing!
You rocked that beret, I just know it. 🙏🏻💕
That person needs to get their eyes checked lmao, berets are fire
We all should pick a day and sport a beret!
Wtf, berets are so cool! I'm confident you wore it stunningly
When I was younger, I had a lot of body hair for a girl my age. I remember being 5 and having leg hair, arm hair, facial hair, etc. One girl in my class asked me if I was a boy because of it. From that point on, I always tried my best to present as feminine as possible. I learned how to use a razor in the first grade. I wore matching outfits with hair bows and purses every day to school. I learned how to apply makeup when I was 11 to try to make my "harsh" features look softer and more feminine. By the time I was in the 5th grade, I was getting my eyebrows and upper lip professionally waxed once a month. I remember crying every time I shaved my legs in the shower, because it was something I hated doing so much but felt that like it was not optional. In the 6th grade, somebody called me a tomboy and I rode the bus home crying about it. In the 7th grade, a boy in my class asked me if I was a lesbian because I just "looked like it". I found an old diary entry from when I was 9 years old, upset about the way my body looked. I wrote, "I think I was born a boy and mommy and daddy wanted a girl so they're lying to me about it. I wish I was born a girl. That way my arms wouldn't have any hair on them." I was 9, and clearly did not understand anatomy, or it would've been easy to figure out that I wasn't born male. Its so sad to me that I spent so much of my life so focused on upholding the standard of what a girl should look like. In high school, I became more comfortable with myself, and allowed myself to present more as I wanted, not as I felt was expected. Now, in college, I sometimes like to appear androgynous or masculine, and I am able to use the title "woman" proudly, without feeling I have to prove my worthiness of being a woman. I wish I had known that having harsh features and a lot of body hair doesn't make you less of a girl, and that being a tomboy, a lesbian, or anything else my classmates called me doesn't mean I'm not as much as a girl than everybody else. (Sorry for the long comment, but if you read it ily)
This resonates with me so much
I have the same experience. Too much body hair, harsh features. I don't feel like a woman but I have stopped caring and comparing. There are more important things to do with one's life than to subject oneself with this suffering
Body hair is a nightmare in this heteronormative society even more when you’re a woman.
I’m a hairy girl and I remember when I shaved my legs to never look at them when I was wearing dresses because no matter what I did my leg hair and everything I shaved that day would come back in one day (I kid you not, my hair growth is crazy), also my body hair is extremely thick, and, although thanks to that I have good eyebrows, eyelashes and thick hair, I didn’t dare to use anything that showed body hair.
Nowadays after going to university and study a lot of society, philosophy and history, with open minded people and very good friends , I finally can say that I don’t give a fuck
Omg... When I was first getting body hair it was also another girl that called me out. She was only a year older than me, and she started pointing out my hair for the first time to me. I never even payed attention to it until she did.
I will never forget what she said that made me forever become uncomfortable with my own body hair: she pointed at my legs and said to me 'that's a lot, that's not good'.
We were only 11/12. It starts so young...
Man this is painfully relatable. Some kid pointed out my ARM HAIR of all things and I'm still overly conscious of it today.
You know what I hate. I hate the responsibility to comes into play with being a woman and participating in womanhood. I'm not talking about the responsibility of taking care of the domestic space because I feel like that should be everybody's responsibility to provide a healthy community space for themselves and one another. I'm talking about how woman are scapegoated for every problem. How they are "responsible" for being attack or causing such chaos. The responsibility of up holding ridged traditions and cultures. The responsibility of fixing someone in a relationship and providing all the back up support even if it is an unequal relationship. The only responsibility they barely seem to have is the responsibility of power. And men still get to go on fun adventures and raising hell outside without everyone making such a big scandal.
This reminds me of the idea that it's always female fertility that is the issue when it comes to difficulty conceiving and that it's women who are to blame for falling birth rates in many countries.
I was socialized to be a girl and I cannot begin to tell you how in a relationship everything seems to be a girl's responsibility: the emotional conversations, the making sure you "look good", the performance, the idea of being something that the boy can brag about (if I am speaking heterosexually). My friends and mother told me "boys don't take anything seriously until they are 25" and it only makes me wonder why girls are then supposed to hold gravity in everything before boys do.
@@montaguechevallier5815 Ik! It hits even harder when you have abusive adults around you as a kid, so you also have to be hyper aware of moods and then if something goes wrong it's always YOUR fault. That hyper awareness and struggle with feeling like everything is your fault never seems to go away :/ Like can we just let kids be kids and stop forcing them into these scarring cages?
@@montaguechevallier5815 because "girls mature faster than boys" of course /s
@@montaguechevallier5815 This is very difficult for me to put into words but, during highschool when I was at my lowest, not taking things seriously was how I survived.
It was my outlet. I would be funny, tell jokes, my friends would laugh and everything would be ok. For those moments I could avoid thinking about killing myself.
The times my friends weren't there for us to make jokes were the hardest. Everything felt pointless and suicide became a salvation from all my problems. It was my way out no one could take from me. It felt like my truest freedom.
But being able to look forward to the next day and to laughing and joking with my friends made it a little easier to get through those darker thoughts and impulses.
This video actually made me cry because it resonated a lot with me. My whole life I always felt like a man was watching me and was judging me.
Even in my most humane and vulnerable of moments I always felt like someone was watching me, so, for example if I was making an ugly face while I was crying, I would immediately correct it so I wouldn’t look ugly anymore, I would put lipstick in order to “correct” the color of my lips, I would curl my eyelashes and I would put on a show doing things like sway my hips more for men that I didn’t even know, or that sometimes weren’t even there. The pressure to be feminine as a woman (cis or trans, it may be different in the ways it affects us but it's still the surveillance of femininity and the pressure to be a feminine woman) is extremely hard , and it’s just horrible (in my experience as a brown woman in a colorist, sexist, transphobic and homophobic country, Mexico) and if it’s like that for me (a cis, stereotypically feminine woman) I can’t imagine the struggle of gender non conforming AFAB people, trans women that can't perform femininity due to their circumstances and trans women that don't want to do so and feel like their identities as women are invalidated because they aren't "feminine enough". I hope y’all stay safe 💖
Note: As I said before, I'm a cis woman so even if i have knowledge of trans women's struggles I may seem ignorant (Which is not an excuse, I'm trying to be more educated in this topic), sorry for that. Feel free to correct me, but don't feel obligated to do so. Thanks :)
Note 2: English isn't my first language, sorry for grammar mistakes.
omg this just described my life. even at home alone in my room i always feel like i need to be beautiful in case someone can see me? ik it’s weird but still
This hit me too ✋ I was floored when it was brought up because this has been my entire life. That these thought police me even when I'm alone, in distress, immersed un something that I love... wow. I'll be reading into this more.
that feeling that there is a man with you watching and monitoring your behavior has been described as part of the male gaze. You’re not alone in feeling it, most AFAB people do subconsciously.
@@saggguy7 you don't have to say assigned female here. I don't think it contributes to the conversation meaningfully in the way that you may think. I think it applies to all women
@@yourboy9236 I think what they meant was that all people socialized as women experience it, without wanting to exclude people who don't associate with womanhood anymore - of course, though, this does fail to include transfem people. I think the best would be to say "afab people and women"
Ironically, I stopped performing femininity as much because I met a guy who doesn't give a f@#$.
He doesn't care that parts of my body are hairy, that I put on some weight, that I have small boobs (which is obviously a flaw in our world) etc. He would say "you don't have to shave", I'd say "people are gonna think I'm not woman-like", and he'd say "women have hair, so hair is automatically woman-like".
I always thought that I was doing it for myself, but then when I realized that my man doesn't care, in time I kinda just stopped doing it without even realizing. I lost the reason to perform femininity this way. So I didn't actually do it for myself, I was just programmed to care what I think men care about when it comes to my looks.
Not to enable the bar to stay so low… but he sounds like a real one 👑
Yeah it’s so frustrating when you realize you’ve been doing something so long that was subconsciously really for the sake of a bunch of dumb men that don’t really deserve your effort at all. 🥴
Can I order him off of Amazon?
I have a similar experience. My man doesn't really care, so suddenly I didn't have motivation from outside to shave my legs etc. And then I noticed that I don't have that inner motivation either. So doing things "for myself" doesn't really fork for me that often. Why indeed I should shave my legs when I live in a country that have snow many months in year?
It's great isn't it! I almost never shave and my husband doesn't give 2 rats cracks about it.
I think this happens to a lot of women once they become comfortable with a partner. Just sucks that some guys are assholes and will turn around and say "you've let yourself go" just because you're not longer performing
ik I already commented but listen ending on an inconclusive note like that is a power move, you don't need to claim that You Are The One Who Understands Gender, it's good to acknowledge that gender is complicated and people have vastly different experiences
I think one of the main reasons why gender is such an issue in today's society relates exactly to what you said. It is complicated and everyone's experience is different, but people want to feel like their view is the exact right one and then they spend so much time trying to get others to agree with them. If we could all express our opinions without needed everyone else to have the same one, I think the world would be a better place.
This is my point exactly I agree we need free speech , freedom of speech ( speaking our own opinion) fuels individuality . Now if a majority thinks for example stripes are ugly then they are deemed ugly . That’s one of the issues with gen z .
how does it feel to be so smart so cool and so correct?
u forgot hot but yeah it’s actually a blast
@@Shanspeare that obviously goes without saying
omg film tamales
Real recognize real
"A lot of people would miss this head" - Shanspeare, 2022
My mom had a friend that would wake up an hour before her husband did specifically to shower, shave, dry her hair, and do a simple makeup look. When you'd ask her questions like "what's your biggest irrational fear?" she would always answer with "my husband seeing me without makeup" or "my husband hearing me use the toilet"
That is so fucked up. I can’t imagine how hard that mustn’t be. I’m glad I’m not self conscious in being a woman that wears whatever I want with no makeup (except eyebrows cus mine are none existent) and I go on with my life
That's incredibly sad. That means she wasn't comfortable anywhere or around anyone.
While cis male, being autistic, and growing up without knowing such, I can strongly emphasize with the sense of "self-surveillance" you describe here. Being ridiculed and on occasion even violently attacked for my atypical behavior, I learned, in an attempt to somehow escape the routine traumatization, to monitor myself at all times, checking whether I was fitting into the model of a "normal" person I was expected to perform as. Never quite understanding why exactly I was socially punished, it was a constant grasping in the dark, trying to understand what I was "doing wrong".
Seeing the struggle of women, and especially teenage girls, to grasp and strive for whatever is deemed the ideal they are supposed to embody, I recognize much of myself in it's sentiment. In fact, unaware of my neurodivergence, it was feminist rhetoric which first made me recognize the hatred I had developed towards my inability to conform to neurotypical standards and in turn reconsider the strong internalized ableism I was harboring in my subconscious. Only thanks to that was I able to finally even allow myself to consider the possibility of being autistic, something that, while having crossed my mind before, would only have been another factor against fitting into the mold I had taken as my ideal, and therefore was vehemently rejected by my mind.
Well said!
As a disabled, autistic and nonbinary person, I can relate to much of what you said. It's unbelievable that humanity has managed to invent quantum physics, send people to the Moon, photograph black holes and the like, but has not yet learned to systemically respect women, POC, nonbinary/trans folks, PWDs or people from different cultures, among other so-called "minorities". We still have A LOT to learn...
I totally understand you! As a woc who also went not knowing about my autism for a long time, sometimes I felt myself going slightly insane with how paranoid I was as to who was watching me. When really it was only myself, harshly judging my own actions before someone else could. It was sort of a form of self protection but ended up only making me very anxious.
this is one of my fav comments ever
I love this
I was literally just talking to my therapist about this. Whenever I am in the presence of cis hetero men I just feel this heightened hyper-awareness of how I am perceived by them. It’s exhausting and annoying and I’m so tired of living under the male gaze.
The woman whom you quoted, who mentioned that she would sleep with an eyeliner pencil under her pillow so that her husband never saw her natural face, reminded me of the trend of men claiming to like "natural" women. They say this and then mock and harass women who have body hair, acne, who are not a size 2, or just have general physical traits that make them human. Men believe that women are naturally hairless, have natural flawless skin, and were born with a thin, ideal figure, they don't realise the amount of effort we must put in just to be considered acceptable. I think this is why compliments from other women tend to mean more to women and girls, because we understand the work put in and we can fully appreciate it.
I was JUST talking on Reddit about how bizarre it was how many of me and my friends wore thongs growing up even though we didn't find them comfortable (NO judgement if you do, especially since bigger bootied people usually end up with butt floss regardless of what style it is). I wasn't sleeping with anybody, people RARELY saw my undies. Yet there I was with giving myself vaginal infections constantly all cause I was *horrified* at the idea of someone seeing me in "ugly" underwear.
the rationale I heard most was 'what if you were in an accident and... hospital??!!'... both from others and in my own head
Woah! I felt this one. I remember one time my friend made fun of me for granny panties…I was like huh they’re comfortable
But since then I’ve always bought cute, feminine panties
Sigh no more fruit of the loom from Walmart
@@stiofanmacamhalghaidhau765 Lol I was told that a lot too, by my parents… even if it does happen why should the doctors care about what my underwear look like? They should be focusing on saving my life instead…
I didn't know thongs could give vagina infections! Learn something new about my junk every damn day 😅
For context: I'm nonbinary. When I stopped applying the "female lenses" on myself I felt so much freedom, not only to be as "masculine" as I want but also as "feminine" as I want without the need to fill a role. I went through a similar phase of previously wanting to fill the role of "man" and felt a similar kind of freedom when I realized I could just reject gender. My childhood and teenagehood were plagued by the lenses though which people saw me but now I know I only need to fit my own personal preference for myself. Pink is still my favorite color though
I felt a similar way when I realized I'm a trans man. Suddenly my choices in clothing didn't make me feel lesser, my choice not to shave made me feel proud instead of ashamed. The only downside is now I'm actually worried about being perceived as feminine to the point I'll legit wonder if my sneezes sound too "girly"
@@purplesam2609 I definitely felt that too. people will judge us for something or other no matter what, for any motive. Hopefully Soon you'll learn what is important to YOU personally to feel your own gender euphoria and what isn't and tell everyone else to fuck off
I dont understand non binary. Its basically gender non conforming right?
@@pen15licker I mean, depends on the person you're asking. The way I see it, from the principle that gender is an expectation, a performance, and something you feel inside, to me I don't feel any particular gender and don't want to participate in any of that. When you say gender non conforming to me it's like a performance that doesn't conform to any binary. I feel like non binary goes a little deeper than that. But some non binary people will definitely feel represented by just "GNC"
@@aveia.em.flocos 1st of all I could have written your OG comment (down to pink being ur fav color lol) but just to add to your reply here, I think another thing is that non-binary people can be GNC but not always. And vice versa- a person could be GNC but not non-binary. Like, I’m non-binary and consider myself GNC, because I explicitly try to cross gender boundaries with my appearance. but I have a close friend who’s also non-binary, but their behavior and presentation more or less aligns exactly with their assigned sex and they don’t consider themself GNC. They’re conforming to female coded expectations, they just don’t consider themself to be a woman.
I guess what I’m saying is that GNC is about external presentation while nonbinary is about your internal understanding of your gender identity. Which is maybe what you’re getting at when you say “non binary goes deeper than that”
Since you brought up Athens I would like to share a story of a woman in history.
Hypatia was a philosopher, astronomer and mathematician in ancient Greece who made a lot of amazing accomplishments in her fields and was given this opportunity because her father was a mathematician and believed in the importance of teaching his work to her.
Unfortunately she was murdered while pregnant by a bunch of Christians.
Some things never change.
Wait...she was pregnant at the time?
@@steamyvegetables1445Apparently she was between 45 and 65 at the time. so not very likely. The people who murdered her seem to have been ignorant lower class who thought the things she did were satanic
@@mariaw6410 ohh... thank you for explaining.
She was murdered due to the political upheaval happening at the time, and she was highly unlikely to be pregnant due to being 45-65 at the time. Don’t do a great female historical figure a disservice by inaccurately boiling it down the way you did. She deserves more dignity than that, especially being one of the few ancient female mathematicians that has actual remaining historical records. She was a victim of politics, just like the others that were murdered in the political upheaval of Alexandria (Egypt) beginning in 412 CE.
+ she lived and died in alexandria egypt.
As a girl still in my teens , my mom often says that i should learn how to cook , manage the household , talk to my relatives more while being good at my studies because women should be good in both fields so that in future other's will not shun me for not knowing how to cook or my so called future husband will not beat me for serving him
like an older sister I just wanna tell you that do learn cooking and other life skills because they are important for survival not for serving someone else, and you are good on your own with the people who love and support you for you. Be independent, learn new hobbies, be the best version yourself and don't let other words take you down!!
Definitely useful life skills in general, but any husband who beats his wife doesn't deserve to have a wife in the first place. Also, anyone who shuns you is just doing you the favor of removing their repulsive selves from your vicinity ;)
I've been thinking about this a lot lately and how it relates to my sexuality (because I've been questioning it), but I'm a cis woman and do like a lot of things that fit into The Ideal Woman stereotype (I am feminine, I like to cook, I like to care for people, I want kids, etc.) And that stereotype also has the trait of being straight, or at least primarily into men and wanting to be a mother and have kids with a man. And since I wasn't repulsed by men and could find ones I didn't hate being with, I wouldn't ever question if I was truly attracted to men or not. But now that I've experienced really intense like unquestioned attraction when being with a woman, I'm realizing I have always kind of "chose" or "convinced" my attraction to men in the past. Like I really resonated with the quote about wearing less makeup and dressing up less and I'm playing a role less... And now finally at 30 I'm questioning my sexuality finally, because I'm not playing The Ideal Woman role as much. Damn society messed with me a lot more than I realized. I'm definitely super gay
Happy to hear you learned something new about yourself! :) It´s never too late. And yeah our society is fucked
I had the same realization at 32 and honestly it was the most terrifying and liberating experience. Sometimes I wish everybody could experience this kind of deep understanding of one self and our biographies. I don't know, I'm just really really happy to be super gay :)
@@Molscheira that's amazing! I'm still working up the courage to leave my male partner, so hearing about people on the other side looking back and thinking it was the right thing to do helps a lot ❤️
I'm super acespec myself, so I have quite a few stories about forcing myself to like men because I thought that was just how things worked. It went...badly.
I'm glad you're growing into yourself in this way. If no one's said it yet, welcome to the family. :)
@@JessieSamanthaEmily I wish you all the best and a heaping load of strength. Being in a relationship while you figure yourself out - I can't imagine!
Do you know ContraPoints and her video 'shame'? It's a beautiful piece about her own journey of self-discovery and having to break up with her male partner because she is gay as well. It's really a masterpiece and helped me a lot!
I have recently come to understand myself as largely genderless and only feel a weak connection to womanhood and realizing that has mostly freed me of the compulsion to perform femininity but at the same time I've become very aware of the fact that people just assume and sometimes expect that I do try to perform it. It's kind of meta, even more than I feel that people expect me to BE feminine, they expect me to WANT TO BE feminine.
I still consider myself a woman (a cis woman), albeit a woman that is rejecting of certain expectations because....I don't wanna if it feels inauthentic to my self, and this has very much been my experience as well! Especially in my current situation living with a man who has a young child: I now have the addition of being expected to play and enjoy a "mother" role by even the most stranger of strangers--and often a primary parent role--even though she is not my child. It can be a weird, weird space to be in sometimes.
I consider myself agender, and feel just like you. I kind of tried to explain that to someone the other day but failed. People just... assume what you are and what you want to be. And if you don't want to exist in this binary, it's like you don't or shouldn't exist. You are "confusing", so you are percieved as some kind of inconvenience to people if you present yourself in a way that actually feels like you. It's a frustration in my everyday life that I don't really know how to cope with yet.
One thing I'll never forget is how my parents bought me a razor for christmas when I was a teen. I had never even thought of shaving my body, never expressed any interest in it. It will probably forever be the most backhanded and bizarre gift I've ever had. I was supposed to be grateful to be given a tool to perform a role that I didn't want, and I was supposed to be cool with the fact that my parents had expectations about my body hair. If they pulled some shit like this today I would go no contact for a few months probably
I’m a woman, gender, sex etc. It all aligns, resonates, and I have a strong connection to it.
But to me personally femininity is something I enjoy, sometimes pick up, sometimes disregard. More of a hobby, sometimes to enjoy alone. Sometimes performative (not unlike a dance recital). Or both.
But it isn’t my identity.
And I definitely do not have the same resonance or connection to femininity as I do to womanhood.
my womanhood doesn’t feel dependent on my chosen femininity.
My mom (boomer) is and always has been a tomboy, so she grew up with a lot of resentment towards femininity after being forced into it as a child. But unfortunately that meant I didn't get to be feminine either. She wouldn't/couldn't teach me, and actively discouraged my more feminine interests. We'd always get into fights about clothes, because at the store she usually hated the clothes I picked out and would often try to drag me to the boys' section. She would judge other women for wearing too much makeup, or dressing a certain way, and the pink aisle at the store was off limits. I could never relate to the girls in my class, and the boys all treated me different because I was a girl. I remember wanting to be a boy because I thought maybe then I'd fit in.
Imagine my confusion when all of society was telling me the exact opposite, and my undiagnosed adhd meant that I could barely even keep up with basic hygiene, much less a hair/makeup routine. I feel wrong and judged sometimes for not being feminine enough, but if I try to be more feminine I feel silly, like I'm playing dress up. Or like it somehow makes me not as smart or capable.
I can relate to feeling both "too feminine" and sometimes "not feminine enough".
"my hair is too long and feminine" and feeling silly for wearing a skirt and heels, while simultaneously "maybe I should wear makeup", "my body shape and face aren't feminine enough"
Just be you. People get sooooo caught up in all of this stuff. Start viewing yourself as you are, be comfortable as you are. People will like you or not, but at least you know they like you for you, not for your gender performance. Gets easier as you get older. -signed, fellow ADHD woman
ah, sometimes i feel like my mom is like this. she doesn't hate feminity per se, but she discourages me from being too femenine. i understand her reasons but sometimes i feel like it's too much.
I have the exact same dilemma... my mom was raised to be hyper-feminine and pushed back against it because that's not who she is, and so she raised me with the expectation that I would be a tomboy, essentially. I like to be androgynous a lot of the time, for example I keep my hair short and usually wear jeans and a t-shirt. I also like being feminine on special occasions, but it feels wrong because of my upbringing. If I'm going to a dinner out I often want to wear makeup and heels because I like how they look on me and it's fun to feel dressed-up sometimes, but then my mom always tells me I should't do that because those things oppress women. So then I feel guilty for wanting to express that side of my womanhood.
Honestly certain people should NOT have children.
Your mom sounds like someone who tried to brainwash you and it obviously didn’t work. Instead of presenting things neutrally or equally valuable, she chose to make you think one was better than the other
Anyways hope you - as an adult- get to explore your interests more
One of the biggest struggles for black women and trans women alike: being considered "feminine enough", while still being required to be strong and resilient. Which are both often considered to be "masculine" traits. Go figure 🤷🏽♀️
You bring up a great point. For both Black and Trans women there’s a pressure to showcase our femininity.
Black women who are considered too feminine are considered white or just negative and can be treated really bad for it.
Comparing the historic discrimination and dehumanization that have been imposed on Black women (by men- who else keeps bring this "masculine" issue up when it benefits them?) to justify centuries of using them as cattle to the self imposed desires of effeminate males is highly problematic. Black women, whether they are perceived by others as feminine or butch or anything in between, are female humans. This is the opposite of someone male who wants to "look a certain way" in order to conform to gender stereotypes, instead of challenging them. These two things are not the same.
@@grunnionyon7655 Trans women have faced historic discrimination and dehumanization too. For decades they have been the subject of violent hate crimes and had to portray themselves as hyperfeminine to be able to survive, and have been portrayed as monsters in media constantly, and if not that, punchlines. There are plenty of trans women who don't like to look feminine all of the time but they're pressured to in order to live as themselves.
@@grunnionyon7655 also, notice how the language you use towards trans women mirrors the language used towards black women at 13:30. These struggles are obvious not exactly the same but the concepts of femininity are weaponised against both in very very similar ways.
The John Berger quotes haunt me every time because they were written 1) by a cis man and 2) 50+ years ago - and we still have such a long way to go. He completely nailed the self-surveillance we go through, it's uncanny. So many cis dudes just don't see or even consider this at all, and yet our lives are so often ruled by it.
Brilliant video as always - you are one of my faves.
The Jane Birkin article reminds me of the scene from Marvelous Mrs. Maisel when she waits till her husband falls asleep to do her skincare routine and then proceeds to wake up 5 minutes before her husband to take it off and put on makeup showing us the unrealistic expectations harboured for women during that time. I think that scene is quite relevant even today as I find myself constantly surveying my appearance in order to "please" men and they don't even recognize it!
Her mom did the same thing. She learned that behavior.
I find myself doing that stuff too (surveying my appearance), and I'm literally a lesbian, yet I'm still seeking male validation.
the peasant getting their guts rearranged joke was too good 😭 so grateful so thankful for your comedic tone in your video essays i really love watching them
"The Ideal Woman" comes at the cost of perceived intelligence and personality. Our society often looks at "The Ideal Woman" as below average intelligence, and when a woman meets current societal standards while also being intelligent she is treated as an anomaly.
Honestly if youre intelligent and perceived as feminine, people still look down on and devalue you EVEN if you are saying the exact same thing a masculine figure says. Feminine vocal cadence is always taken less seriously or considered annoying for being a higher pitch.
Femininity will hurt any individual in a position of authority or professionalism, its infuriating.
Being AMAB and recently undergoing my trans self realization, its an eye-opening experience to feel the pressure and surveillance of womanhood. Especially after identifying as male for so long, it is jarring to feel the difference of expectation. Presenting hyperfemme is often the only time I can feel affirmed in my own femininity, and is certainly the only time I am ever respected as a transfemme body. Though I am new to this state of attempting to achieve “The Woman”, your video verbalized the countless experiences I was having a hard time expressing. Thank you again for another great video bestie 💛💛💛
That is so true. I feel like transfemme people have a much harder time being accepted as the gender they present as if they are not a conventionally attractive portrayal of that gender. I couldn't deal with that, so I want to commend your strength, it must be incredibly exhausting.
Girl, you go. Even if you're not all glammed up. You don't need to be pretty to be valid.
@@honkhonk3192 thank you for your comment friend
This video has me so up in my head rethinking whether everything I like and do is because I actually like it or just accepted the expectations of being a woman. Like I'm a pretty feminine girl and now I'm thinking whether if I was born as a boy would I still have a very pink room and enjoy wearing my hair long or painting my nails and putting on make up (not saying at all that men shouldn't do/ like those things, just saying they are traditionally feminine). I have a wide variety of likings both masculine and feminine, but it is insane how much pressure society has on us to be and act like our gender
I think that the things we like and enjoy and do just in general as people are built through our environment in general at least to a certain degree. But at the same time, I don't think that diminishes the fact that we like it. Yes, you may have been raised and socialized in a manner that encouraged you to like those things, but if you didn't like them, you wouldn't like them now. That doesn't change the fact that you like them now. The question of whether you still would like them had you been socialized differently is kind of just semantics, because it shouldn't minimize the fact that you like them now. What you like is what you like.
I’ve wondered the same thing. At a point I started to revisit childhood, questioning the stuff I didn’t get to consider, experience or enjoy due to my female or black identities & upbringing. I accepted my assigned gender, but can’t relate to how trans people have some knowing that they are a certain gender “on the inside” despite being taught they’re otherwise. I don’t feel so attached to womanhood in my being, having no certainty that I’d want/have to have it if I were assigned male or brought up as non-binary.
right, this messes with me so much when it comes to “self care”. i feel like shit so i try to do what the internet says and do self care, but all i can think of is taking a bath and shaving my legs, doing a face mask, putting on scented lotions, putting on face serums… basically almost all beautification rituals. like damn so does this actually even feel good or am i just keeping up The Performance u know :/
@@ahem8013 that part. It annoys me how gendered self care, skincare and hygiene can get. Not even reasonable. I’m into skincare & baths but it sucks that (at least in the US) dudes get excluded from relaxing baths & something going around about not wiping
I grew up in the south of the US with a traditional family always trying to force feminity down my throught. I never enjoyed pink or frilly things associated with femininity and was very aware because of this at a very young age... of gender roles and the sexism all around me. Not in a complex way ofc but in a "why can't I enjoy playing soccer" and "why am I not taken seriously because I'm a girl" type of way.. I don't dislike all feminine things like I liked baby dolls and disliked getting even a bit dirty. But I think most of these things have more to do with personality than gender. I still feel very much attached and comfortable with the label woman, with my female anatomy. Like I've noticed most outgoing people like pink and sparkles because it attracts attention and is bright even little boys before they are conditioned not to. So I think if you have always enjoyed it you probably weren't conditioned to. Like I have learned to appreciate makeup and other more traditional feminine things as I've gotten older but it wasn't my first impulse as a kid. Though may have thought it looked good on others.
the idea of gender and performativity also parallels the idea of the signifier and signified in linguistics. you have a concept in your head that you want to evoke, such as 'gold', so you use the arbitrary signifier of the word "gold". you could just as easily call it a 'd'or', like in french, but this is the word that is agreed upon in english. the combination of the signifier and signified results in a sign. this is the parole, the utterance when realised in the real world. its meaning is gained through cultural associations, and negotiations of meaning between the speaker and listener.
to have a meaningful conversation, you have to use the word 'gold' to refer to a yellowish ore. you cannot call silver 'gold', or your meaning won't be conveyed. you can expand the meaning of 'gold', through cultural associations - 'golden age, good as gold', wherein 'gold' has a meaning of 'great'. but the more we use the sounds 'g-o-l-d' to evoke this concept, the more the concept is solidified. now, even if you make the sounds 'g-o-l-d' without meaning to say anything, it will be understood as 'gold'.
language, much like gender, is largely arbitrary, and a social construct.
and a lot like judith butler, it can be hard to wrap your head around austin's 'speech acts' and saussure's 'langue and parole' at first!
i wonder if there are any articles that marry these concepts together?
You’re gonna be sooooo stoked because those theories are actually found in conjunction with Butler’s theory!! I just have a super hard time of understanding it (couldn’t even understand it when I took an entire semester long course about it hahaha)
@@Shanspeare no way!! you’ve made a linguistics major very happy today
Linguistics are so fucking interesting dude. But also makes my brain hurt a little, but in a good way
this video made me realize how much i've been self conscious about my appearance even from a young age. in high school i went on a vacation with my boyfriends family and kept my mascara on at night because i was so afraid someone would see me without makeup. it's so sad that we've been conditioned to think we have to be perfect every hour of the day.
Such a compelling watch. Gets better and better each time 💖
Personally I feel we need to eradicate the need for gender and gender performance? Like express how you feel in whatever way you want like or if you don't feel the need to you don't have to, like just exist as a being where your gender or sex is not considered or thought about it and therefore not needed or treated like an accessory like where its nice to have but your fine without it
EDIT: And where you can choose when or when not to express gender or mix and match however you please
I agree-there’s actually a growing amount of literature on this topic as well as more & more advocates of abolishing gender… it’s truly a prison that we’ve been convinced exists in some tangible way when it’s entirely socially constructed.
performance is weird because it's more of an unconcious thing, so it's hard to not do it
@@astrid3545 I think being aware that its a performance is a good start because after that fact you can decide whether this is how you truly want to present or not if that makes sense
There would be no gender without our performance of gendered acts, it’s the assignment of gender to certain behaviors that construct it at all... so hard to wrap my head around what we “should” do if we want to remove the harm that gender does! An endless rabbit hole 🕳
EXACTLY the comment i was looking for! This is a thought i have for sexuality as well like why does it matter being straight or gay, you should date a person first no matter their sex or gender... I mean i know it matters in a way of feeling, The right Label that fits your feeling so it goes same for gender. But like, wear what you want, do want you want, and we shouldn't be insulted if someone calls us gay, or a girl, or a tomboy, when we are not (even if they meant it as an insult they are stupid then)
Idk if any of this made sense but yeah i dont won't to come of as an unsupportive of trans people, i support,
But at the same time wouldn't it be better (in an ideal world which i know in this world might not be possible) if we threw away all the labels and roles and just do what we want as long as we are not harming us or others
I like what you said at the end of choosing what being a woman looks like to you. I do not identify as non-binary but I do not like to label myself as a woman simply because I have spent my whole life feeling alienated by that label and the expectations put onto me.
Actually jk I think that makes me non binary LMAO
@@wanderinggstars yeah I’m agender bc of this exact reason lmao
That’s video worthy in itself. I’m not NB but don’t always feel it would be relevant for every person to know I’m female. I don’t like the way people can profile a person’s identity and jump to assumptions. Like, just for a moment could they set aside everything they know about other women or what they thought they knew about people from Louisiana. A lot of it could be right, but get to know me individually, treat me equally. Then there’s some voices that make femininity sound narrow and like a lot of work, making me wonder at some point whether people who aren’t trying that hard to perform gender are nb?
@@Maverickgouda I think that at least for afab people who are questioning it can help to read femininity as perceived by trans women and butch women, especially cis butch women. Like some people for sure are NB, but you are not NB just because you are not performing womanhood as the patriarchy and capitalism wants you to.
And I don't mean it in a TERF-y way, more in a "the fact that there are women gender roles doesn't mean that because you don't conform, then you are not a woman".
I would say maybe you are agender but that does technically fall under the category of NB. As an NB i think we all are NB because I am a gender abolitionist. You can use any label you want, but all of this is to just say, that you and your feelings would be totally accepted by the NB community and you may find other folks like you
it’s so crushing that i may never be free from this, even as i continue to discover and live out my gender
same 💕
i think we all had a jacket that we wore 24/7 and that's quite funny
Okay so, after watching the video, I've definitely come to a nice little conclusion: I fully agree with you on the (funnily enough) "ideal" world to be one where there is no ideals for genders. Nothing to necessarily have to compare yourself to at all times. I've grown up in a supporting family, with no real need for trying to achieve hyper femininity because there's been no pressure on me, but all the other females around me have always tried their best to "fit in." Waking up early to do their hair and makeup, being afraid of showing their personality because it's not "proper enough," and so much more. Even my little sister, who's just turning 12, has started eating less and begging to go to a hair salon so that her hair could be perfect.
This topic is a very important one, and I'm really glad you brought it up. And this is a great video to boot, great job Shanspeare!
I realized that my gender expression was nothing more than an act the second time I took acid.
I was around men. I could recognize that they were choosing to see my physical body and not my inner personality.
I would just try to sit and figure them out, because they didn't even seem to register that I was a another person like them, with power and capability.
I felt like their friend, but to me, it felt like THEY didn't feel like I was a friend.
It became so obviously theatre-like that it started to make me uncomfortable, it felt like I was a life sized doll, a character.
The acid made it incredibly clear that while gender is an important aspect of life, it didn't always exist.
drugs seem to break down walls from what ive heard gajgdksn the most extreme version of this ive heard of is people realising their entire sensory experience of the world is a fabrication by their brain to interpret raw data in a way humans understand but jhdjsjsj yeah smaller realisations like this which are much more practical too,
this rules /gen
I read this comment earlier today and have been thinking about it a lot.
That sounds like such a terrifying discovery to have, tripping or not. I do often feel that underlying sense of objectification and playing charades just moving through the world, but never amongst friends. Most of my guy friends knew me before coming out as trans femme and were also present for many of my own gender-related psychedelic experiences, so I feel like I dodged that bullet at least.
I'm really sorry you had to go through that. All I can say is I'm glad that you were able to learn from it, and I hope you've been able to heal any residual trauma. I'd be curious to know if any of those friendships lasted long beyond that revelation
This reminds me that everyday before going out my mother would wear perfect makeup and clothes; even to the hospital. The thought of not being "presentable" terrified her, to the point where she told me that unless I somehow grew up to look perfectly white and beautiful, no one would love me. She started straightening my hair at around five years old, and if I didn’t look perfect I was often called a boy, or some sort of animal insult.
When I did look perfect, those around me would say that I would grew up to be a "heartbreaker" or a "stripper" simply because I looked pretty, or liked dancing. Most of which I heard when I was younger than six.
I want to share with you guys something I was saying to my psychologist. I said that women were the portrait of a society, in every part of the world there's a belief that a woman's body is a adorn, that's why it needs to be glamourized with fashion and accessories, and just like art women represent the current state of the environment, to their nails to their clothes, what people expect of women is what they expect from society itself. Since femininity is deeply linked with fashion and art, which is usually used to communicate ideas, hopes and reflections to us.
Look at the Y2K or cyber fashion for example, in the time wich the trend was created the world was experiencing a huge avance in technology, everything was meant to the future, you would see every feminine entity out there wearing it, expressing it and acting like it, the movies and everything deeply inspired those women to act like they were in the future, so everyone else would see a "glimpse" of this future through them.
I stopped shaving my sophomore year, and I remember my grandfather asking: "Why do you have to make such a political stink? What can you possibly gain by doing this?"
I didn't have the proper language to answer him then, but I do now. What I was trying to gain was an acknowledgment that me not shaving my legs should not BE a political statement. It shouldn't be a statement at all! It should just... be! Just let me BE a person who has body hair because I'm a human being and human beings have body hair!
speaking as a chubby butch lesbian this RESONATES and since i started to embrace butch presentation i'm still in the process of unlearning that constant sense of self-surveillance. i'd even say that it's made me conscious of that self-surveillance in a way i never was before - i am acutely aware of every time my arm hair or unmade face is visible, and often it takes active effort and self-talk not to care
Throughout my entire Life I did not feel comfortable with what a woman was supposed to be - my mom was also very unconventional in her self-expression (she was likened to a 'wood-witch' by schoolmates that saw her), didn't weat make-up, didn't wear necklaces or handbags or had nice nails - I noticed people staring at us when we were in public from a very young age, and it hightened my already bad social anxiety. It made me a stronger person today but it was nevertheless hurtful to witness my mother and I be so rejected by society simply because we didn't adhere to 'the standards'. Just a year or so ago, she tagged along to the dentist and as we sat down I could see middle-aged women (the karen type) stare at her and throw each other 'knowing looks'. I stared at them, straight in the eye, and shook my head in very overt disgust. They were judging my mother and I for as long as I have been alive - and I am sick of it. I'll wear my pimples as badges of honour, I'll have my hair be messy or no make-up on my face as I stroll into office - I don't give a fuck anymore. The standards I would have to adhere to are just too convoluted and simply nonsensical for me to take them seriously - it might hurt sometimes to see so blatantly that what you are and look like isn't what the status quo wants, but it also keeps me from being harrassed too often so yey
"Never treat a video essayist as your only source" I love that you said that
And I wish more people would.
I feel like a lot of us in the social media era just don't do our own reading or research anymore
We're always quick to jump on whatever a person says without fact checking and then figuring out where we stand on the subject matter personally.
And nowadays with the way search engines are set up, we're more likely to get less factual articles and more subjective ones. No one wants to put the time in to do some digging
one of the most weird things that I observed about myself and my sisters is that whenever we realize we are being watched by someone or glance at ourself in the mirror is that we will quickly readjust how we look like to appear more like The Woman- pout our lips, raise our eyebrows, suck our cheek in, raise our head to make our jaw not appear so soft etc. It became so unconscious for me to do this that I have to check myself to stop doing it. I really hope that we’re gonna stop acting on this constant (self) surveillance on if we’re acting like the Ideal Woman
At this point I kind of joke to myself that my style is “trashy androgynous but aggressively so” but I’ve recently realized that I may present myself like that, distancing myself from femininity, so that i can excuse myself from those feminine standards.
That maybe if I didn’t present myself as a woman, then I wouldn’t be judged as one. Thus escaping having to be confronted with my insecurities(because I “naturally” don’t align with the ideal). That I could be freed, so to speak, from some of the aspects of the modern female experience. I suspect though that that’s not, like, an effective strategy…
AH. I GET THIS TO AN EXTENT though i'm like the opposite as a gnc boy, i've never felt a personal pressure to be masculine but i have felt a pressure to distance myself from it as much as possible in a way to try to avoid having masculine expectations associated with me at all - it's hard to reach _truly neutral_ authenticity in this world but being aware and saying h*ck u anyway is a great direction to head in
The biggest divide in gender surveillance for me is in fashion. Women are getting more freedom in how they dress, like how women wearing pants is now totally normal. Masculinity, on the other hand, it's so rigid in its performance that any deveation from it is seen as feminine (i.e. Harry Styles wearing dresses), which is coded as inferior in our society, unfortunately.
I really thought that obsessing over how you look was something so normal to everyone when I was younger. I would hear older people telling that boys are “naturally born” careless about looks and girl are “naturally born” look obsessed like it wasn’t something that is brought into our minds as a main priority from the moment we were born
Man, this video hits me hard. I've always felt like I have a very masculine presenting face, I struggle with that daily, especially my nose and lips. When I was like 13 I was anorexic and pretty androgynous looking because I was like 80 lbs and had short hair. I was in the library once and these people walked by me, pointed and said "What IS that?" I've never forgot that moment, and I've had real issues with feeling like I don't look female enough even though I've gained weight and grown my hair out. I never feel like I can fit in
@Natalie I'm so sorry you're struggling with an ed too :( I promise there's nothing wrong with the way you look, I know people can be really, really mean.
@Natalie I had anorexia for years, its a really sad and isolating illness. Good luck getting to a better place and lots of love on the journey x
Honestly, I think after high school I just sort of gave up. I started thinking of femininity as a game I no longer had the energy to play. I was always a tom boy, but at that point I think my understanding of what made me happy, what made me the most comfortable, was solidified. I started wearing what made me comfortable and taking care of my body from a hygiene standpoint rather than a "look good for other people" one. Teeth and hair brushed, body and clothes clean. I don't owe them anything more than that. Sure, I still have the watcher in my head, but I don't notice the "flaws" as much as I used to. I've switched from judging myself against "The Ideal Woman" to judging myself against my personal ideal, a much lower and more satisfying bar to reach.
as an afab nonbinary person i hate that i could recognize my constant surveillance of myself as a teen and wanting to look girly and pretty while feeling like not meeting that standard because i'm disabled and black. and i'm stiiiiiill like that! thanks i hate it :)
also where are those people finding boys that look like you because my mum is trying to find me a husband and i will only be taking applications from men this pretty and pink. like i don't want to objectify you in your own comment section but like 👀 where are these shanspeare adjacent men at? i don't want anything less.
A bit same. On the disabled and black part...
I ended up just saying I was "Disabled cute" because I felt like I couldn't just be... Cute. I didn't wanna feel bad about my appearance and ended up falling back on that. I still do it now. Though now that I'm typing it... I'm aware I should stop doing that, since it's sorta shitty for a whole lotta reasons.
I just don't feel pretty. Moms even been calling attention to my weight lately, because she doesn't want me ending up fat and feeling bad about it.... Thaaaabks I guess, totally doesn't make me feel worse.
I'm cis, so the amount of gender policing I've experienced is nowhere near the level it would have been if I were trans or NB, but even just trying to figure myself out as a Black teenage girl came with all sorts of alienation because performing the accepted (very narrow) mode of femininity felt a bit alien to me. Hyperfemininity still feels really alien to me a lot of the time.
And it really didn't help when I was constantly being hit with gender expectations of "when you get married", "what will your husband think?", "that's not appropriate for a girl", "why are you behaving like a boy?"
I feel like Black people are particularly prone to gender-policing each other because, as a diaspora, we're hyper-aware of the ways in which gender was used to justify colonial violence against us. Sometimes, it feels like a lot of us think that equality can be found in committing to the gender binary at the cost of all else.
I just want society, as a whole, to embrace a kind of "freedom of gender and freedom from gender" concept where we're all free to embody as masculinity and femininity as we want or we can completely abandon it.
Even if we don't use it these things will still exist. I just want us to be free to be whatever and still be their sex
I remember for a presentation, I wore a nice suit and a nice skirt with some heels. The reason being that it was for a speech class and according to the male professor, women needed to wear this specific suit and skirt and heels to get hired. I wanted an A+ so I wore this. My hair was straightened and let down. My makeup was natural and as soon as I walked in the boys were very nice to me. These were guys who never looked my way suddenly were opening the door for me. It was nice to get this special attention but I didn't like that they were being so nice to me and being rude to the other girls, they decided to wear pant suits for their presentations. I didn't like how they acted like little puppies, walking me to my next class, asking me questions. But at the while constantly looking at me. I felt very uncomfortable.... and not only that men all over college would turn their heads. At the time I had a boyfriend and he was the only one I wanted staring at me. When he broke up with me, I took charge of my own femininity and cut my hair, and I wore whatever I wanted. What I'm trying to say is if you as a woman like attention, girl go for it. I will be there to support you but if you also don't like attention you have my full support too. We as women need to take control through our own version of femininity. This also includes being comfortable with what we wear. And not wear certain things that men and women deem attractive.
I’m young and Im a black girl and I have a obsession with wanting to be feminine I mean I love the color pink and I try to convince my mom to buy me skirts, dress and really feminine things, one day at school I asked this girl for a gummy bear and she said no and then she started to talk about my looks like the fact “I looked like a dude” that honestly really made me sad and insecure. I understand that I’m taller than everyone else and I’m flat chested, but now I feel like everyone masculines me and that is the reason why guys in my class hate me so much. To me I think I looked really feminine but I feel like my body isn’t and that’s why everyone masculines me. Also the way I act I don’t really fit into the popular girls like I don’t talk about boys that much, and I don’t really act feminine anymore, I mean when I first move there everyone loved me and thought that I was really nice and feminine and pretty now I feel like people don’t think of me like that anymore. You might be thinking that it was only one girl who said that I looked like a dude but no some dude in an upper grade agreed with her. Also at school I dress pretty natural and maybe that also plays into me being “masculine.”
This is probably irrelevant but, as a short girl myself, I think tall girls are cool as fuck. Yeah you may be two heads taller than me and probably can’t hold a conversation without squatting or sitting down but you’re still rad.
Ooooof, I definitely have that "self watching me all the time" thing going on, but for me it has more to do with that I'm autistic, and I have to mask those behaviors in public a lot. It also has a lot to do with the bullying I received as a kid for being myself.
Same. I often wonder where my internalized ableist self observation ends and my internalized misogynist self observation begins.
I’m a trans masc nonbinary person but I feel all of this. I lived as a girl and all my self esteem was based on how attractive boys and men found me because I was just doing what I was pressured to do
Why are you nonbinary?
@@lookintomyeyesunculteredon9613 why is it a question that needs an answer?
@@toriestrella Because it seems like most young girls who transition or identify as nonbinary seem to do it out of trauma from sexual abuse, societies harsh expectations on women and girls, or because they aren't strictly feminine or masculine.
This is a problem when they are actively seeking surgeries for issues that should be dealt with in therapy and not some irresponsible surgeons office. It also creates a false dichotomy between women and female nbs.
@@lookintomyeyesunculteredon9613 I don't feel it's appropriate to be psychologising someone over the internet. It wasn't asked for.
And besides, neither you nor I know the story of every nonbinary person out there, and it'd be foolish to assume it's a monolith.
@@toriestrella It's common sense to assume that when the statistics show that, out of the trans community, transmen and "afab" nonbinary people show the highest rates of sexual abuse and histories of assault (as is common with women compared to men). Add in the common sentiment that I just stated in my last comment amongst female nbs, and it's basically common sense to make that assessment. If you don't believe me, look through the comments and see how many young girls hate their body and womanhood because of the reasons I've already mentioned. It's a worrying amount.
random thing but as a non binary person who was afab and most of the time presents in a feminine way, i appreciate you saying "assigned female at birth" instead of just "girls" or "women", and making it a separate thing from "the ideal woman" as in the ideal created by society rather than the people subjected to it, love this inclusive feminist talk.
As always, great video, honestly, but i want to share something. As an ftm who transitioned at 12 years old (I'm at my 20's) I never felt the pressure of expectations of being afab because i didn't feel represented by them and i didn't want to archive being “the woman”. I grew up hating feminity, probably became misogynistic, and I'm still learning and trying to change that. Maybe all afabs are not pressed by that expectations (even if we are exposed to them) but they affect us annyways (English is not my first language, I don't know if I expressed myself correctly, sorry)
The whole self surveillance thing really hit me. I remember so well how i did that 24/7 when i was a teenager (I´m 22 now). Luckily i didn´t think about it for years now and it was really interesting reflecting on that weird time when i was soo hyper concious of my appearence. I don´t know when and why i stopped doing it, but I´m really glad I did. Now I´m hyper concious of the things i say because I´m afraid of coming off weird or oversharing things noone cares about :´) Well i guess there´s always something
the pink hair + beret and sparkly choker rlly scratches an itch in my brain u look so pretty !!
can we just appreciate the inclusive language, its so refreshing and comforting to see other people use language like that, as you can tell im from a small and h0mophobic village and dont encounter it much lol
omg same
Thank you for being trans inclusive and showing terfs the door. I do have one note on this issue though. It seems like a lot of the time in this video when you talk about afab people, you probably also want to include trans women and girls. After all, as you talk about later in the video, if anything the pressure to perfectly perform femininity is even higher on trans women than (thin white) cis women. Afab trans people also experience the pressure to perform femininity differently than cis women and girls, although I think it's fair to say that part of the act of gender assignment is pressuring people so assigned to perform their assigned gender.
Anyway, good video, thanks for talking about this.
Yes! Well articulated
I've (AFAB) always faced issues with my femininity, I even came out as trans at one point and non binary at another.
Now I'm okay with it. I'm a woman without the ideal of what a woman should be like. I let my body hair grow because I never liked shaving. I wear my hair however I want. There's always going to be weird looks and I'm always going to have that thought in my head that I'm less lovable for what I am.
But I want to belong to myself, instead of belonging to anyone's perception of what I should be.
You're not less of a woman if you have body hair, a deep voice, 'masculine' features, or were not born as one. You are a woman because that is what you are truly. It doesn't mean you need to fit something, or anything, you just have to live as comfortably as you want to live.
Thank you for this comment mate ❤️
im so proud of you
I feel like such an asshole for correcting a tiny mistake in an otherwise so sweet comment but I just have to clear up a tiny misconception. Trans women aren't 'not born women', they've always, from a scientific point of view, had that female gender idenity as part of them, it just sometimes takes a while to realise it as we're born (usually) in male bodies, so we're expected to be male.
This was a wonderful video I enjoy your videos alot. As a black women sometimes I don't like dressing feminine outside cause the harassment from men, so I dress masculine. I still get harassed but not as much as if I wore heels, skirt, dress or crop top which always upset me cause I just be want to go to the corner store to get like chips but I have to think and worry about my outfit.
@Natalie I'm so sorry to hear that. I hope you have the courage to go out one day.
birkin’s story about keeping the eyeliner under the pillow reminds me of a similar thing i went through as a tween. i would have recurring nightmares about waking up bare faced and in pjs while having someone at my front door who i wanted to look good for, like a celebrity crush or someone i liked at school. while almost everyone gets nightmares about being unprepared for things like school or work, being a young girl meant that retaining my identity (which felt like it was defined by my romantic desirability) was something i needed to be prepared for, even while asleep. i started keeping my makeup bag on my nightstand and wearing “cute” pjs to bed when i was about 12 or 13. it reminds me of the panopticon, the concept of a surveillance tower in a prison where the guard can see anyone at any given time so no one knows when/if they’re being watched, so the prisoners always just act as if they are. it puts the guard inside of your head, and i think thats what girl & womanhood does too.
As a white trans woman (Yes, read that in Natalies voice if you want) this video really spoke to me. The way that bigots target us the same way they targeted WOC during desegregation, the way the bar is set up so much higher than for white cis woman. Growing up with a very different kind of self-surveillance, transitioning made the societal pressure so painfully obvious. And even though ive had the priviledge of a mother who rejected the concept of the ideal woman my entire life, giving me the ability to reject some of the more obvious parts, I still feel it every day. The need to be "presentable", the constant self-surveilance of my own behaviour and how it fits into those expectations of "the woman". Being aware of every angle I could be percieved in. Even when no one is looking. Feelings of uneasyness when I see other trans woman dont perform to an arbitrary "acceptable" standard, the energy it costs to supress those impulses because they are wrong. Ive had these talks with cis woman, and their response was always "That sounds like so many other woman ive talked to". Always feeling like I´m not "good enough", while simultaniously being of afraid of "overdoing it".
'what are you? a male podcaster?'' and 'sex is what i have with your mo-' killed me
I just kinda randomly came across your channel and as a Trans women I must say I absolutely loved this video essay, Shanspeare. It’s so informative and a fabulous deep dive into womanhood. Thank you for having a no tolerance stance on transphobia with your viewers too. I’m pretty sure I’ll be sharing this video to people where I can in the future, much love 💖
So. Growing up, i was fat, i was short, and i was hairy (especially in my arms and face). When i entered high school, i saw my friends getting stares and being "courted" by boys and for the life of me i couldnt understand "why not me?". So i became sad. Then i became resentful. "Well, since no one looks at me, im going to reject everything people (boys/men) like." I stopped shaving (i did it to my face every 2 days). I started getting sloppier. I never learned how to apply makeup. I use(d) ill fitting clothes that hid my body. "Finally, people will have a reason to not look at me, since I'm not what they think its desirable".
I am now 20, and its slowly (and sadly) coming to me how much I rejected "femininity" because of the stifling standards womanhood pushes us to achieve, and not fulfilling them made me rage against them. But I did it not because I liked them (I didnt. I felt even worse), but because yet again not catering to what men thought was desirable was still centering men around MY life.
Your video brought tears to my eyes. It's so tiring having to live thru a lens and feeling surveilled 24/7 because of the way you look/perform dictates how you'll live. Thank you so much for this video. Thank you thank you thank you
From like 7 grade on, there was this dude who kinda bullied me and constantly said to me how I look like a dude (and more stuff, but this is engraved in my brain) and it really hurt me. I was pretty aggressive back then, because I didn't know how to fight for myself other than physically fighting. It doesn't really haunt me today anymore, but my friends back then were really good friends with that dude and laughed at his jokes about me n stuff and I'd say that hurt even more.
I kind of became a "not like other girls" girl in the following years and tried to hate everything stereotypically feminine, but at the same time I just wanted to be like That Girl and it fucked me up.
Now I'm dealing with mental health issues 🥰🥰
30:14 ouch. Yep I feel represented. I wanted to cut my hair short but wanted to wait until i had lost some weight out of fear to have to few femininity points basically. Like I felt like I needed my long "feminine" hair to make recompense for my fatness. But I did it anyways because I´m a bad bitch and that fact is not dependent on my appearance.
Although I'm still figuring myself out, I think I deal with this conflict with my identity and my presentation. Even though I choose not to shave, I still feel self-conscious about my body hair. Even though I feel best in baggy androgynous clothes, I still like typically feminine aesthetics. Cis women can play with their style without worrying about being misgendered but I and other people can't help but consider how our presentation can affect the way we're perceived. We don't want to be othered but we also don't want to be misgendered.
I think when people say they want to "reject gender", it's not like they're saying gender identities themselves are useless. I think they're referring more to gendering and gender stereotypes. Like how toy aisles shouldn't be separated as "for boys" and "for girls" and we shouldn't assume anything about a person based off their presentation. At least that's what it means for me.
I remember when I cut my hair short I experienced this clearly for the first time. As a skinny white cis woman I had dealt with these questions mostly subconsciously up to that point, it didn't affect me that much. I remember it feeling dehumanising how my gender was suddenly up for debate, I felt like I didn't have a say in it. People also started to speculate about my sexuality. For a while I compensated for that by presenting more femininely. It still disturbs me that with all the privileges I have even I am affected by this. To me that just goes to show how deeply entrenched these ideas are.
i remember being seven years old pulley my underwear up to my natural waist(when people say high waisted, they just mean my natural waist. istg it's so high)and trying my best to make my belly as flat as i could. i ate only the bear minimum at meals and when i ate a good amount, i'd feel guilty.(thankfully i wasn't throwing up on command yet) i'm a trans guy and that provides a whole new array of issues, being tied somewhat to femininity and trying to perform masculinity as someone socialized as a girl who doesn't have any interest in touching toxic gender norms. all this to say that being a woman, or socialized as one, is both beautiful and an absolute hellhole
I really appreciate your inclusive language. I'm a trans man and while I completed my transition about two years ago, I can never change how I grew up and the messages I internalized growing up. I may have male privilege now (so long as I'm stealth) but its not as if that can magically erase 20 years of societal violence and pressure against DFAB individuals.
As a trans woman I relate so much to pretty much everything described in this video. I'm always worried about how my hair looks, whether I'm been seen at an unflattering angle, even down to my facial expressions. I'm always paranoid about whether I look feminine enough to even be perceived as a woman, even though many of these fears are unfounded.
Throught the middle section of the video,I thought "wow,we have completly different stances on this subject" but by the end of it,something moved inside on me.I don't know how to explain it,but your last quote/stance and the one by Butler really made me reconsider everything I stood for.I really have to take a deeper dive on those articles,because I didn't realize how my perspective on gender could be hurtful towards trans folk.Thank you for another amazing essay.
24:52 That actually reminds me of when I first started coming out as nonbinary. The more I understood what gender WASN'T, the more I got caught up in the absence of a solid definition for what gender IS. For a while, I thought it'd be better for society to abolish the whole concept of something so abstract and subjective as gender, but the more I processed the experiences of binary trans folk and what you said about the degenderization of Black women, the more I understood that there's something truly precious in letting gender's meaning be up to personal interpretation according to your own perception, experiences and relationship with it, WITHOUT using what gender means for You to infringe upon what gender means for Someone Else. And I think that was something I needed to understand to fully come out for myself.
"Some people want to be free from gender, other people want to be free to be their gender" YES, EXACTLY.
I'm non binary and I've realised watching this video how I survey myself so much more when I'm presenting femme.
When I'm out in dungarees and a shirt looking more "androgynous" I am much more within my own body existing, occasionally wondering how people view me, and playing around with my expressions a bit. but not constantly viewing myself
But if I'm out more feminine, more "woman looking" I am always aware of how I look from every angle, how I'm standing and sitting, how I'm acting. I also get a lot more looks, stares, unwanted attention when I'm like this.
I'm not a woman but I definitely perform femininity and recently have been going out less femme because it is tiring and I think this is part of why.i love wearing skirts and dresses and being feminine but I don't love the way I am perceived and perceive myself in public dressed like this
it's really something to realize that adopting the position of surveyor and going through other dissociative processes is something we're socialized to and not innate since it feels like such a big part of the female experience, just did a work on ways of seeing recently and I learnt even more in this video, thank you so much for always delivering quality content
im really glad you included that carol hays quote, because that quote and the perfectly logical questioning of strict categorizations of womanhood it posits really does provide, at least to me, one of the most effective arguments against any sort of gatekeeping of "the female experience". i grew up extremely hairy (still am, even after years of attempts at getting rid of it) and with a very fluctuating body weight (i was never skinny in a way i could feel satisfied with myself) and as such i simply felt unable to perform womanhood in any respect. i didnt wear makeup, i didnt engage in "feminine" hobbies or interests, and i even remember very clearly a time in which i wondered if i had been a boy that was born without the "correct" genitalia. nowadays just knowing that my experiences are not exclusive or even that weird really comforts me to find a definition of femininity that works for me and feels comfortable, all the while also allowing me to play around with it and switch up my presentation from time to time. body issues remain but, knowing how even my brother is paranoid about appearances and perceptions, it does give me hope that at some point we will realize just how useless it is, in the realm of gender performance and general unharmful behaviour that is still heavily regulated socially, to live through the eyes of others and under constant surveillance of oneself.
as a trans ftm guy its so hard dropping that feeling of needing to be beautiful n being femme and desired as a girl bc for 15 years having the idea of being a woman being shoved down my throat is so hard to let go of and to be free from, these days I feel, live and look like a man and im happy, as a teen i went through so much pain trying to ignore me wanting to be a man, having men tell me that i need to be a typical girl to be loved, but thats a lie, I am who I am and I have a beautiful trans gf that I love n she loves me
tl;dr be you n if someone don't like that they can suck it up
I am a 50 year old Latinx riot grrrl, and I just finished this video. SUBSCRIBED.
Glad there are still riot grrrls out there.
I can't😭 I only watched 6 minutes and I have to open up! I soooooo feel ya. I was left out and bullied in school, it was at worst when I was 13-16. I know what you mean when you said you were hyper aware of yourself. I always described it as having a fly on the roof flying around to check if I'm "okay" in every angle. I have (had) many insecurities and one of them is that I don't have a defined jawline. I actually couldn't have a ponytail for years because I wanted to hide it.
My self hatred became so bad I constantly thought that if I don't give it my all to "fix" myself and compensate for my flaws, every one that would look at me would feel nauseous.
Also I got a very traditionally feminine body at that age..and sometimes feel I had to grow into my body, if that makes sense.
i just wanted to say i love this video (like all the others) and you were the first youtuber i actually used a creator code for!! like the usual ones others use dont interest me but i guess the scent bird just hit me at right time because i was like ok ima get this sample and i know the struggle of buying tiny samples online so i was like omg this is so good, and if we similar in anyway; u kno that scents are so hard to choose from if you not in person, so it good to get these long term scents n figure out if u slowly hate it over 30 days or not. but ily shanspeare ill support you forever everything you talk about i always have any point of interest in it!! 😭💕
The day I started dressing exactly how teenage me thought I would be dressing at my current age I felt a freedom I never experienced before.
I'm also nonbinary but afab and I just don't dress myself for others anymore. If someone else happens to find what I wear beautiful then good but it doesn't matter.
What you said about leaving behind the ideal really resonated with me. I think it's a good way to describe body positivity. Rather than maintaining an artificial beauty standard, then deducting "points" for every way someone's body deviates from that standard, we can be free to simply understand each individual person, as they are. In the same way we could stop buying into the idea of 'ideal men' and 'ideal women'. Instead, we can understand people's identities with all the nuance they truly have.
it's interesting i feel like once you get used to recognising the ideal for what it is it starts to no longer register as having any positive connotation and your own feelings become a totally separate thing
@@Envy_May Yes exactly
i just wanted to say the thumbnail for this vid really stood out to me, the design is so cool! specifically the way your phone camera lens lines up w the old camera lens in the bg, the comparison between what was and what is really struck me
As an AFAB non-binary/trans questioning person, I’m so grateful for your inclusive language. Trying to comb out my trans feelings vs the inherent difficulties AFAB ppl face is huge for me rn, and this helps without making me feel excluded or dysphoric
Good video! The one (hopefully constructive) crit I have is that you didn't quite nail the definition of performance/performativity, which I think is essential.
JL Austin originated this, and I think emphasizing the structuralist (or post-structuralist if you prefer) origins of performance theory would have helped explain what butler means.
Basically, linguist Austin proposed that performative utterances are words that cause an action (i.e. "How to Do Things with Words"). For example, "I do" marries you, "I sentence you," sentences you, etc.
Being clear on this is really important bc people mix up what is a (post) structuralist theory about language with what we in the 21st century call stage "performances," "acting" as a fictional character, or "faking."
It's critical that we understand that Butler is NOT talking about "acting" as in faking, but acts that constitute themselves.
Another critpick: It's also impossible to not think of ourselves in relation to others and their perceptions of us. I don't think that "surveillance," as you put it, is fundamentally the issue. We are going to perceive ourselves and each other and think of ourselves in relation to others. It's when categories are violently enforced that the gaze is weaponized.
Now that I'm saying that, we know that any boundary-crossing comes with the implied threat of violence, so taxonomy is also an issue in and of itself.
Sheesh, thank you!!! I was struggling so hard to understand the “how to do things with words” source that Butler uses as part of the theory. That example really just blew my mind haha. And that does better put into perspective what Butler means by “performance.” Wish I could pin this 😭
(I guess it doesn’t help that I never understood post structuralism or structuralist theory when I took my theory course? 🤔)
Commenting to move this up!!!!
@Kimberly J ^^^^
Wait but when it comes to gender, does that technically mean that if someone says ‘I’m a woman’ that makes them a woman? Isn’t that an act technically? Bc I mean, I don’t think that’s an accurate or useful statement, bc that means any man who isn’t trans or gnc can say ‘I’m a woman’ and that technically makes them one? I’m not trying to be hateful or anything btw, I’m very open to new ideas of gender and social construction, I just think it’s a bit confusing here. If anyone can explain or clarify this for me, that would be great.
1950s cuisine was a desperate cry for help. Look that lime jello in the eyes. You know the woman who made it was unwell.
this video is about to hit so home to me and my relationship with femininity. because being perceived is what ultimately led to an extreme anxiety of being social. i won’t go out if i don’t look my best, i’ll hide around people i know if i know i don’t look good. I purposely ghost, and flake on people because of the dread i face when beginning to do my makeup. I hate people taking photos of me, i hate being the center of attention, which is the complete opposite of how i used to be as a kid. This caused a phobia of embarrassment, i will literally have a panic attack and embarrass myself even more about embarrassing myself. it’s a whole thing. let’s just say growing up in la has its downsides 😍😍😍😍