Mommy Issues and the Great Gender Expectation
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 16 ต.ค. 2021
- Film Fatales Video: • Mommy Fearest: Motherh...
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💻 sources used/referenced:
1. Raypole, Crystal. “When Mommy Dearest Isn’t So Dear: Unpacking Mommy Issues.” Healthline. www.healthline.com/health/mom...
2. Loggins, Brittany. “What’s the Psychology Behind Mommy Issues?” VeryWellMind.com.
www.verywellmind.com/whats-th...
3. Cherry, Kendra. “Biography of Psychologist John Bowlby.” VeryWellMind.com
www.verywellmind.com/john-bow...
4. Stephens, Meredith. “Gender Differences in Parenting Styles and Effects on the Parent Child Relationship.” digital.library.txstate.edu/b...
5. Crews, Frederick. “How Sigmund Freud Tried to Break and Remake His Fiancee.” Lithub.com, 2017. lithub.com/how-sigmund-freud-...
6. Bjerre, Thomas. “Shocked into Maturity: Sex and Death as Initiation in the Fiction of Lewis Nordan.” The Mississippi Quarterly, Vol. 60, No. 4, Special Issue on Lewis Nordan (Fall 2007), pp. 735-748 (14 pages).www.jstor.org/stable/26467096
7. Streep, Peg. “7 Common Wounds for Daughters of Unloving Mothers.” Psychology Today, 2013.
www.psychologytoday.com/us/bl...
8. Vorel, Jim. “Lady Bird and Cycles of Abuse.” Paste Magazine, 2017.
www.pastemagazine.com/movies/...
9. Schulte, Brigid. “A Brief History of How We Think About Motherhood.” The Washington Post, 2016
www.washingtonpost.com/opinio...
10. Nguyen, Sandy. “The Mother Wound.” The Project Lotus, 2020. www.theprojectlotus.org/blog/...
11. Wallace, Diedre. “Emotionally Smothering a Child is the Same as Abandoning a Child.” Relationship Knowledge, 2014. relationshipknowledge.com/emo...
12. Ann Pietrangelo, Legg J. Timothy. “How to Recognize the Signs of Mental and Emotional Abuse.” Healthline, 2018. www.healthline.com/health/sig...
13. William Anderson (Schoolworkhelper Editorial Team), "Raising Children in the Victorian Times," in SchoolWorkHelper, 2019, schoolworkhelper.net/raising-....
14. Oliver, Scott. “A Brief History of Freud’s Love Affair with Cocaine.” Vice, 2017. www.vice.com/en/article/payng...
15. Black, Rosemary. “Children of Mean, Psychologically Abusive Mothers Suffer Well into Adulthood.” NY Daily News, 2010. www.nydailynews.com/life-styl...
16. Gordon, Sherri. “What is Emotional Abuse?” Very Well Mind, 2020. www.verywellmind.com/identify... - แนวปฏิบัติและการใช้ชีวิต
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Thanks to Sigmund Freud for filling in for me while I was busy. What a terrible, terrible man. He sure looks hot though
Yes, nothing quite like a silver fox who likes to discuss baby bowel movements 🤔
Totally, he has exquisite taste in suits, though!
This is like the best cosplay for this type of a video
I've been very bad, daddy 😳
@@eurekamreum5458 y’all are down bad 😃
I’m surprised at Sigmund Freud’s voluptuous bosoms
THE WHAT 😨
@@kalamies. Boobs
VOLUPTUOUS-
JAJAJAJAJAJAAJ
💀
The stigma around leaving abusive parents feels especially harsh. ‘She’s your mother’ isn’t a good excuse for emotional abuse Martha.
" she gave you life" AND WHAT??
I left my church because the lady's group was being so forceful about pushing me to "just forgive her" because "you only get one mom." I mean, it was relentless. They were sending me chain emails, coming to my home unannounced, and one even brought me a fern and suggested I gift it to my mother as an ice-breaker. She had bitten my four year old son...yes, they knew this.
@@loveshoves1825 BITTEN? A toddler!! And they still don’t get the point… goodness!
This! I finally cut ties with my emotionally abusive mother last year and the amount of “but she’s your mom” I get is ridiculous!! I have never felt better in my life without her constantly dragging me down and have only felt better about my decision since making it. Not one person asked “wow, that must have been hard are you okay?”
Omg this! I hope people who have had to cut out their mothers and how much harder it is for them then say cutting off an abusive father
Honestly, Freud has never looked better, and it's good to hear him sounding reasonable and informed for a change.
IKR! Those lashes... and finally making some sense lol
Simp harder.
@@clintjanes3784 There's no need to be censorious of something as shallow as a playful compliment.
@@bleachedout805 I approve of this scholarly respond dear genius colleague of mine
For real
Any chance you’d talk about the normalisation of sibling abuse? A lot of people dismiss abuse between siblings as “that’s just how some siblings are”, but abuse is abuse and it’s still just as traumatising. I think it’s the most stigmatised out of the possible nuclear family relationships.
This!!!! As a single child I never understood how my cousins could litterally bully each other and their parents wouldn't even care, and they are surprised that the middle child ended up with bpd
👏👏👏 YES we should talk about this
YES
Yesss this would be a great topic
Yes let's round out all the core developmental relationships.
the fact that I thought ladybird's mother daughter relationship wasn't that bad and then hearing it was abusive might be a problem
I’m unpacking a lot of my own “mommy issues” lately and it’s funny because my mom saw this movie and said in a cute and almost warm and endearing tone that the movie reminded her so much of our relationship. I watched it by myself and agreed. It took me over a year to realize that this wasn’t a good thing…
Yes! We tend to see things we’ve experienced as normal, when it sometimes is far from being so. Still working on this myself!
Wait, Ladybird’s Mom is abusive?!
I can't even watch the movie cause it looks so much like my mom it's sadly creepy.
I watched that movie and wanted to cry bc that’s literally the relationship with my mom
I think what shocked me the most was when I had friends who had "normal" "healthy" relationships with their mothers and it shook me to my core. What do you mean you have open honest relationships and can rely on your mother for good advice??? She doesn't berate you?!
it’s sad for me too, becasue even tho my mother is not perfect, and messes up a lot, we are working towards a better relationship. So I have become that somewhat “normal” healthy, relationship, and I have quite a few friends who are so surprised at my relationship, becasue their mothers are not good. I always try to listen but it’s a sad thing
I didn't even have friends with healthy relationships with their moms.
Women are traumatized in maternity wards.. Recognize that a joyful orgasm birth is natural is natural instead of buying the lie of her inferior body. Still she is a person and she is there too wealth and education to her child.. Children are not so special yet they are the receivers. We should say a woman will be giving birth today celebrating motherhood. Mothers are creators and leaders not babysitters. Your individual mother should have figured that out but that's the problem. She knows the title she was there but she was acting out an unnatural role
Totally. I was really shocked when I saw a mother ask her son for advice/help. Because I had never been asked for help from my parents, because they thought I was incapable of helping, because kids don't know anything, and can't do things right
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA she did more than berate me...
I remember when Tangled came out my mom “joked” with me saying Gothel was an amazing mother, that Rapunzel knew all those things and could do anything in that tower. She legit loves the character, I decided then and there that I was not unpacking that can of worms with her
My mom identifies both with Gothel and the Witch from Into The Woods (she’s a similar character since she’s the one who takes Repunzel) I’m also not unpacking that can of worms AHAHA
So cute to make a daughter be codependent, sheltered, isolated and having no free will
Jesus christ…
Oh no..
To be honest Gothel did a well job at manipulating. But her fears caught up to her.
my mom literally told me she identified with marion like it was a good thing and tried to use the movie to criticize me by saying that i’m exactly like lady bird, who she views as selfish and disrespectful to her mother. i guess she missed the entire point of the movie, i do identify with lady bird tho.🧍🏼♀️
@faiza ahmed she really did 💀
Self-awarewolf moment right here.
😳I watched the movie with my mtoher and she said the exact same thing... She said that mother-daughter relationships were always ✨complicated✨
@@mintyabyss9295 they’re so ✨ quirky ✨ like that
are we siblings? that sounds exactly like my mother (or what she would do if we ever watched this movie)
shanespeare: cosplaying with a beard and cleavage
me, a bisexual: i see this as an absolute win
joking aside, what a great video. thinking about my realtionship with my mom (and dad), and how they are to my younger brother.. they even joke about how they treat my brother different/better because they "learned a lot from parenting me", not that they changed/addressed how they treat(ed) me lol
in the words of a very wise tweet: if god hates us why do we keep winning?
@@gimmeyourankles amen
Me, an enby: this is the representation we need
Me, an androgynous pansexual genderflux:
*I want it*
the “if you think this is abuse, you must have grown up in a white suburban household” argument really hurts to see, because that line of thought has fucked me over when it comes to understanding that i was and still am being abused. i DID grow up in a white suburban household, and i suffered emotional, physical, and verbal abuse at the hands of my parents. but even after learning about abuse via the internet, i still couldn’t see it in my own life because i saw so many people downplaying others’ abuse using this argument and i figured “oh then this can’t be that bad, other people have it way worse this is just normal”
It really does suck real goddamn bad.
And to give a very hot take, if that WAS considered normal, then screw normal, I don't care how normal something is if it's that ugly. Really hate the way we water down suffering just because it's common.
im asian and honestly if people ever say that, it doesn't change the fact that its abuse. some people need to stop involving race in this. i really hope that asian discipline changes soon
pepepains guy
I was removed from a physically abusive parent and have been living with my emotionally abusive grandma and emotional abuse isn't any less real than physical abuse. it literally has affected me to a point it shows up in how I think, how I interact with others, how I view others, it leaves a lasting impact. abuse is abuse and it's awful how people downplay it because "it isn't that bad it could be worse!" which doesn't make it right or acceptable at all, it still leaves an impact and hurts you, it's still fucking abuse
@@phrixy1588 I’m sorry to hear this, I hope you are able to get out soon. Sending you love and healing ❤️❤️
I think it's also a huge issue that the stereotypical "overbearing mom who means well" is so often portrayed in a sympathetic light, even when the character is actively hurting and stifling those around them. THEY MEAN WELL, CAN'T YOU SEE?! Well if someone shot me in the foot, it doesn't matter if they meant well. It's a disconnect of action to consequence and conveniently used to be my mother's favourite diversion from all the havoc she caused. Why take responsibility if "meaning well" relieves you of all accountability? Predictably our issues never got solved and the relationship burned to the ground as soon as I started asking for real change.
yea that trope always bugged me and its harmful to those of us irl bc tv has conditioned us to be sympathetic to the mom but not the kids they should just be happy their mom cares.
THANK YOU! My parents always use the “we mean well!!” argument, but it doesn’t matter if they “mean well” if it’s actively going to hurt my independence in the future.
My problems with my mom weren’t really about being overbearing but I could relate with mothers getting and expecting grace because their mothers so I just kept my problems to myself but when my mother told me to tell her and I told her all I got was an unfulfilling “ I tried, you should be happy I was there, when you’re a mother you will understand, I just couldn’t do better” response as if it will help me and got exactly what I thought I was going to get: Excuses, instead of trying to understand that she hurt me which is why I told her but she just said “oh well that happened” not even a heartfelt apology. I know she can’t change that past but it’s too late for her to change as well because I don’t need her like that anymore but an apology would have been nice. That’s the last time I’ll come to her about these issues and I told her that too. I don’t like wasting my time on anything pointless.
@@omarispowell2949 The best predictor for future behaviour is past behaviour. No one can change the past, but those unwilling to confront it show they are unwilling to even consider that their future behaviour needs changing. I'm sorry your mother didn't even acknowledge your hurt and good on you for putting your needs first.
If you actually meant well, wouldn’t you want to fix the mess you made instead of just demanding people stop reminding you of it?
something that always stuck to me was this one time in high school when I was talking to some friends about my emotionally abusive mother and this girl cut me off, very seriously, and went "stop badmouthing you mother. you can't do that" and i remember feeling so guilty, even though nothing i was saying was untrue, she's a bad mother, she's abusive and manipulative but I can't share that with anyone bc i end up as the rude one, bc she has this motherly suit of armor around her to protect from critiques. it messes with your head, "she can't be mean or wrong, she's your mother. but then what is this?". This misconception that mom's can do no wrong is so harmful to children of abusive mothers, comments like that happened to me more than once and you just feel awful afterwards even though you're just trying to vent
agreed, and mothers can be very different in front of others, so other people are really not a good judge. only you and you alone will know whether you are emotionally abused
it's so mind-bogglingly stupid that people actually believe that mothers are exempt from possibly being a not good person. Just because you happen to have exploded out of their womb, does not make them Jesus.
They're humans just like their children and anybody else, and they are just as capable of being shitty like anyone else.
Definitely would've told her to mind her own business. You weren't even talking to her and she just put in her two cents? Sorry, I just had to let that out
It's fucked up. As a kid I figured something was wrong and my older sister would try to ask for help from our aunts and uncles. They just dismissed us as kids that don't know what they are talking about. We would cry that our mother would beat us but they would laugh and say you must've did something worth being hit over. And our aunt would dismiss us and say Oh she wouldn't do that. She treated our cousins like delicate angels to the point me and my sister grew up despising them. She would hug them, give them snacks and play with them. She would ignore us, give us week old fuzzy (damn near rotten) food, and hit us if she were in a bad mood and simply didn't like what we did. We were constantly on edge in the house. Then our stupid relatives would wonder why we looked so upset and not talk or smile at family gathering *insert surprise pikachu face*
I went on a weird tangent. My point was: I agree. There is this weird shield of accountability because mothers are nurturing and in my case always "just" and "right." So they seemingly slip right through criticism
It can be difficult to forgive your parents for any physical, emotional or sexual abuse they may have given you in the past, especially when they're not even remorseful. You can forgive yourself, seek professional help, and allow yourself to heal from the scars of your past.
Forgive yourself for...what?
@@octavianjoseph8633 a lot of people blame themselves when they are in abusive relationships (of any kind), and once they get out of those relationships they can become upset at themselves for blaming themselves, for for not sticking up for themselves, etc.,, obviously they shouldn't, but a lot of people still do, and im assuming that that's what they were referring to.
@@octavianjoseph8633 Sometimes, kids don't understand why the abuse is happening, and so they blame themselves. For me the logic was, "well, I'm the only constant in all this bad stuff, so there must be something wrong with me that attracts all this. So, I am guilty."
I wouldn't call the attempt to heal that "forgiveness" per se, it's more like....... trying to empathise with your younger self, almost, and reminding yourself that it wasn't your fault. I guess forgiving oneself for the perceived guilt is a step towards that.
It's difficult in my culture where emotional and physical abuse isn't even considered bad, it is illegal but it is widely socially accepted to hit your children badly no one considers it abuse unless it is paired with neglect, pretty much every parent here is like this, mine too.
@@octavianjoseph8633 "This not your fault"
"Oh, I know"
"It's not your fault"
"I know"
"It's not your fault"
"I know"
...
but he didn't, I mean his mind did but his heart didn't. that's why they should work on forgiving themselves, even if it wasn't their fault at all (because it wasn't)
The mother can (and they often do), protect and spoil their sons while expecting their daughters to act like little women and please men as well.
That’s ridiculous and true like hey mil why don’t you spoil my ass which she recently started doing lol then again she spoiled her daughter as well but when I first met her it was incessant in my ear cooking cleaning the whole 9 🤢no thank you.
easiest way to get a young girl to hate femininity 😔
They are raised as toxic “pick mes” by their mothers and pass this down to their daughters while the extreme ones are usually narcissists who make their daughters handmaids and scapegoats while their sons are golden children who usually grow up to be narcissists and abuse them in some way too but because it is her son she allows it since in her mind men including her son “have closer proximity to power while her daughter does not” as Dr Ramani explains with cultural narcissism.
Bro the eldest daughter is straight up a slave sometimes 💀
My mother still cites a time that broke her heart, when she went up to her mother as a little girl and asked for a hug. Her mother looked at her, seemingly disgusted and shooed her away. She also recalled her mother saying "I don't understand why you're so emotional, I don't know how to help you" when my mother was upset. I've seen first hand: daughters can be just as devastated by their mothers as sons.
Who said they couldn't? /gen
@@nownow3089 she mentioned in the video several times how men are often most associated with "mommy issues" so I was trying to stay on theme...
My mom tells this story about a time when my sister was a baby (as supposed "proof" my sister has *always* been greedy and manipulative), she had just given her a bottle of milk and left the room and when she came back her uncle was fixing her another bottle which she was visibly excited for and in disgust at my infant sisters "manipulative tactics" she took the bottle away and as my sister cried told her uncle she had already ate and was just being greedy. When I suggested maybe she was just still hungry she INSISTED she could "see the greed in her eyes". And she wonders why my sister hasnt spoken to her in nearly a decade.
@@tmaxwell6033 Yes, an infant baby has the capacity and brain development to be "manipulative" and "greedy". Seems like a very rational and justified thought to have.
This was exactly how my mom was to me as a child, lol is your grandma my mom?
"im not roasting babies, im just stating facts"
nah you should actually, what do babies even do??? lay around all day and not pay taxes or rent???? in this economy??
even if this is a joke, this obsession yall have with hating babies is weird.
"roasting babies"? **Jonathan Swift has entered the chat**
@@ongakira i love babies, I literally made a joke, relax :””””))))) i didnt even say anything bad
Nah babies got it going on
Up next: a sociological analysis of humanity's perception of unproductivity under a capitalistic regime...
my daughter asked me to watch this. and I'm glad I did. it helped a lot to understand things in my past. my mother told me at 16 that she had raised me and it was time for her to be happy. she kicked me out of the house and I did not see her again until I was 27 and had 3 kids of my own. I cant describe the pain that caused. I am a single father now and the transition has been tough on my daughter so thank you for doing what you do. this has been informative and a bonding experience for my daughter and I.
We can’t change what happened to us but we can be better than our parents ❤️🙏
I’m so sorry that happened to you. I hope you’ve found healing and a way out of this cycle of abuse!
Oh how I wish I could show this to my mother, language barriers are such a nuisance
Oh God I'm so sorry. This happened to me too, and all my brothers. My mom told me she was "finally happy" after all five of her children had been removed from her house. Oh what burdens we must have been!! We need to build a better society in which young women don't think they have to have kids (they can't afford and arent prepared for) and this cycle of abuse doesn't perpetuate. It's obviously hell for the moms who regret having kids, but its us "kids" who suffer the most. I bet you're a much better parent than your mom could be. As for me, despite everyone I the world trying to pressure me to have kids, I've resisted and am focused on improving my mental health and money situation above all. I'm a kitty mama too, and I can't bear the thought of leaving my cats along for even few days. I could never hurt them like that. One day when I'm ready, I'm going to adopt one (or two, or three) of those poor neglected children who are stuck in the foster system. But only when I think I can actually provide them what they need. 💖
if your daughter felt comfortable essentially telling you to watch a video that could help your mental health, i'd say you have absolutely succeeded as a father. that kind of honesty and respect does not come easily. you've done exceedingly well.
hey daddy - I mean mummy - I mean - AHHH!
Halo, love to see you here!
omggg
Tara! I love your videos as well! Super insightful!
Abusive mothers are such an insidious phenomenon because every person you know and every institution lives to tell you it’s all in your head/it’s not that bad. “Your mother loves you, she’s doing her best”
This!!! I talk about it vaguely and “she’s trying her best!” Then I go into detail and cps is called 🥴
As the oldest child, it feels like most of my childhood and early teens have had little motherly attention. I get that my smaller siblings need more than me, but it would've been nice if my mom had seen me as her child and not another adult that is there to help her. Like I needed her love too and sometimes I wanted her to reassure me not just assume I got it.
moms seeing their eldest daughters as adults and free therapists is far too common
@@sugarbomb187 wow… I’ve just realized I’ve been my mothers therapist for years…
Hit way too close to home
Same😥
it’s too real
The fits never cease to surprise me… what’s next? Albert Einstein?
There’s an idea 😂
@@Shanspeare What about the Bride of Frankenstein?
Nikola Tesla
How about Friedrich Nietzsche?
I heard that when Albert Einstein was married to Mileva Marić he had done his best works but when he remarried after their divorced he didn't produce the same quality of work. It's not surprising since Mileva Marić was only the few woman among Einstein's fellow students at Zürich Polytechnic. She was also the second woman to finish a full program of study at the Department of Mathematics and Physics. So the pair did collaborate on some theories and formulas.
One of my friend got dissowned by her mother in her teenage years, her mother straight up told her the reason was "I had children to be loved and receive affection, and you're not giving it to me anymore". An other friend of mine would constantly received threats from his mother to be kicked out of the house unless he'd do everything she ordered him to do and would convince him he was incapable of anything without her while simultaneously playing victim. I have a LOT of examples like these ones. No mother is perfect, but the idea that mothers are intouchable and saint-like needs to change ASAP.
Said things is mothers who actually good get treated like trash.
I'm in this post and I don't like it
my birthgiver was the same exact way. people can get away with so much evil being parents its unreal.
I recently asked my mom why she married my dad and had me.
She told me "Well... I was 36 back then, what else was I supposed to do? I wanted someone to take care of me at my old age..."
And
I dunno.
When she puts it like that, it almost makes sense how it all developed...
Needless to say, my grandma was the one who raised me during all my childhood and teens (and we'll, now we take care of each other), my mother always blamed work on the fact she was never around the house (then recently she admitted to me that she loves working so muh exactly because it keeps her away for long periods of time and is like "her problems at home just disappear...")
27 years later my mother still knows less than the average minimum about myself. We're on good terms as long as we don't spend more than 1 hour in the same room together or attempt to go out together, and overall, she just LOATHES that my grandma did a better job raising me than she did raising her apparently, and tries to blame all my issues on her "raising me wrong", definitely not her neglect and irrational perspetual hostility towards me.
Well... I know for that sure I'm not sticking around once my grandma is gone that's for sure.
@@Homodemonto be fair though, your grandmother may not be all that innocent in this, it's not unheard of that abusive mothers sometimes act decent or loving with their grandchildren.
Then again I don't know your family, so maybe I'm wrong...
i think a huge issue that may be overlooked too is dad's bail out on the child all their time, if the only one left IS the mother, we may be so desperate to be loved by a parent at all, that we have difficulty confronting the ways our mothers' failed us as well.
Sure but there's no solution for that, just like you can't convince the devil to stop being evil. Narcissistic moms will control and coddle their kids even if it means they won't have grandchildren. Narcissistic dads in contrast will try to leave the family behind the first chance he gets.
"All the time"? Got any numbers for what percentage of fathers leave?
@@christopherbrown5409 According to the us census bureau, about 18.3 million children live in a home without any father figure around. There are 1.8 million that are solo dad's while close to 7 million are absentee father's.
110% this
that's why I will never be angry at my mom, she wanted me, she cared for me, and she tried her best in raising me
but she was just one person, I thought you were supposed to have two parents
@@wonderingmind8547 absentee or absent? Did they explicitly state that 7M men knowingly and willingly abandoned their children?
I never realized how abusive my mom psychology was then when I was like 10 years old and thought the relationship between Rapunzel and mother Goethel (from Disney animation) was actually sweet. After making some healthy friendship and seeing some healthy mother daughter dynamic I was so mad at my mom, but especially myself bcz I didn t understand what I did to deserve that and bcz I didn t even realise how easily she manipulated me in the past.
Omg I relate to this so much! The first time I watched tangled I was 15, I was with a friend (who knew my mum) at her house and towards the end of the film I said "Idk I think gothel is kinda like my mum 😊" and she said "THANK GOD YOU MENTIONED IT BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANNA HAVE TO SAY SOMETHING"! ....
It was like 10 years ago and everytime I think about it I'm still speachless 💀 😅
Funny you mention that, I was discussing things we missed in our favourite Disney movies as kids with my friends and I mentioned Gothel and Rapunzel and how the woman was passive aggressive with her abuse and only mothered her when it benefit her made it seem like no one in the world loved Rapunzel more than her in order to instil fear and maintain control. Sadly there are many mums like this. And not to their sons as people often think even with daughters
I've only ever seen Rapunzel once, when I was already in my 20's, and I had a horrible anxiety attack during the "Mother Knows Best" music number. I haven't been able to watch the film since. Worst thing? My mother was sitting next to me, and called me a crybaby for crying with the film. As a villain, hits too close to home.
Not me also thinking rapunzel and gothel is a normal relationship. I still don't get why Rapunzel HAD to leave.
You were a child it was not in your control nor was it your responsibility to teach a grown ass woman how to be a mother. You don’t have to forgive anyone but yourself.
My friend has the smothering mother. Shes 15, and has never climbed a tree, just learned how to tie her own shoelaces, only has used a knife once, and still has her mom pick out her clothes for her. Shes completely dependent of other people and its super damaging to her :/
That poor girl
oh lord. i hope her mom realizes she is raising the perfect future victim
this sounds like me, except i'm sixteen :(
My mother has very low self esteem and she can often project this onto me - making negative comments about my weight/intelligence because those are things she feels insecure about in herself and she sees me as somewhat of an extension of herself (given 50% of my DNA is hers). I am eternally grateful to have a mother who cares for my physical needs but I really wish she would go to therapy or something
Mine does this!
tell her next time
@@stephenc909 You can tell them all you want... they'll still do it. Or at least, my mom does. I've never worried about my weight before she started talking about it, says it infront of other family members too.
Now I get hungry when I'm stressed, not very cash money imo
same here. "shave ur hair otherwises guys wont like you in college" - i got told this when i was 10 years old. i didnt want guys, i wanted teletubbies
My mother is the overly protective mother with really low self esteem. She sees herself in me. And tbh I did see myself in her. I used to ADMIRE that. Since I was little. Then covid happened,my twin sister got in her first gay relationship and my mom was never the same again. (with her) she pretended to be okay with marias girlfriend and the moment she wasn't there she would cuss THE HeLL OUT of that girl. And as always i thought it was my job to "fix" this mess, bc she was telling me all of this,and it almost got to a point that I was acting like my mom TOWARDS MY TWIN SISTER. I apologized to her. I didn't want to lose her. And she understood,thank God. My sister is always out, with her current boyfriend,aside from campus. She can't communicate with our mother like she used to.
My mom was selfish. She cared about my sisters "image" but deep down I know she didn't want to come off as the parent who "failed".
It was rlly hurtful.
I told her I wanted to talk to a therapist.
She said "you're fine you don't need therapy,that's for mentally ill people"
(Spoiler alert,she needs this more than me)
I'm tired of taking care of my mom.
I'll always love her admire her and appreciate her for raising us,bc she spent so much time on us. We did everything together. We have good memories.
But I can't idolize her anymore. Because if I do , I'll end up like her.
Stuck. And I do not want to be her.
I love you mom. I'll thrive to be the most opposite of you as possible. And you'll be proud.
I hate that most of the people that saw Lady Bird said that she was the wrong one bc she was selfish and annoying, when it was actually her reactions towards her mother's emotional abusive treatment. Like did we saw the same movie???
Love your videos💕
I should've known something was up when my mom thought ladybird was annoying and felt bad for the mom lmaoo
I thought both were annoying. We exist
Edit: I never said she was the antagonist. If anything, whether on social media or the film reviews, lady Bird is always this glorified, rebellious teen heroine and her mom is this abusive woman who ruins everything for her. I'm like.... Um. Both suck lol.
@@user-pm9pw6cj4c Yeah I know she was annoying but that doesn't mean that Lady Bird is the antagonist of the story. My point is that people put her in a bad light bc they don't like her, and don't say anything about the mom, like... what about her?
Maybe because I saw it as an adult I thought this too. I felt so bad for her on the final scene, she was so lost, all I wanted was to hug her and tell her that it wasn't her fault 😭
@@user-pm9pw6cj4c A lot of abuse victims act annoying as a result of abuse tbh.
This is the most sense Freud has ever made, I mean PENNY ENVY! (sorry i couldn’t let it go).
Emotional abuse is not taken seriously and is so normalized being characterized as “character building “, to even make the problem worse women are not taken seriously or even seen as threats, we apparently can’t be taken seriously because we want pennys… I digress.
The idea of mothers being anything outside of what a mother is expected to be is outrageous to our society and the real victims of our inability to acknowledge that it is very much possible for mothers to have shortcomings in their parenting makes it so children who suffer from mummy issues suffer even more because they aren’t taken seriously. It’s made into a joke.
(All my homies can’t stand Freud we are going to Austria to dig him up and show him what’s what)
You are preaching 😩
It’s easy to dismiss Freud NOW that much of his insight has become ingrained in our culture. Before him, people still believed that mental issues were a result of genetic defects in an individual or their race. I don’t really get why it’s so trendy to hate on Freud because “OMG he talked about pee pees”
@@asho345 No it's trendy to hate him because he was an asshole. Sure he made strides in the community but he is also responsible for a ton of pseudoscientific bullshit that still gets parroted today as fact. Not to mention he made a lot of shit up to protect some of his women patient's abusers from going to jail, but google is free and you can dive into that rabbit hole yourself.
@@prixe12 Picking at the bones of giants is a tale as old as time. You may call it pseudoscience, but in actuality it was a genuine attempt to understand human behavior based on the information available at the time. He revolutionized the idea that people’s current behavior could be a result of earlier childhood influences. That, along with many other concepts are still being used and incorporated in psychology today. It’s such a shame that women get so caught up on the whole “penis envy” thing... even though penis envy was (and is) a very real thing that many women have talked about experiencing. Look no further than the FtoM transgender community.
@@asho345 dude, why the obsession with the penis. chill
I can more relate to mommy issues than daddy issues as a woman. Mostly with the toxic possitivity when I want to talk about my emotions and needs. When I show little signs of depression she gets annoyed by it. My father wasn't completely there as well emotionaly, but I felt that I could talk about my needs when it comes to education and same interest. I can't blame her for everything since I have the feeling that my autism comes geneticaly from her. She never diagnosed herself, but she can relade with the signs. Sometimes I wondered if it was a good choice from them to keep me in the family in the first place, especialy when I became the middle child. I live by myself for 9 years now and I still have a hard time making a better bond with my parents.
My guilt comes from going against my culture, being in a Hispanic household where you obey your mom no matter what. I was born with issues and feel like (told my people) that I’m a rebel for going against my mom various times. I regret many things I said and feel like I’m closer to her but like her, we’re both mentally not good. And I think that affects us a lot. There are still times I feel disconnected from her. I use to always think mommy issues meant mothers leaving their kids or abuse, but it can be such little things from not understanding each other since forever. I can understand where you come from.
Same
Same here. My father wasn’t around much (he was forced out of the country by my mother) and my mom was always emotionally and sometimes even physically abusive towards me. All my life, i had never had any “symptoms” of daddy issues despite the fact that the presence of a father in my life was none. I literally just have mommy issues.
Even now i struggle to be close to her. I near obsess having a child myself so I can fix my mother’s wrongs by raising my child a much better way. I feel as though despite going through sexual trama, the emotional abuse that i received in childhood and I still receive is much worse. Im grown, but I still live with my mom since im unmarried (in my culture its unusual to move out of your childhood home until you are married, but moving out beforehand isn’t bad or anything, just unusual). I still struggle heavily with being around her, but im trying.
This childhood trama was pretty much the catalyst for my mental issues and started my childhood decent into depression and anxiety. I still struggle with both. Its getting worse, I’m sure i will move out within a month with friends for my mental health. Sorry for the paragraphs. Just wanted to vent.
Same.
Especially the Autism part. Hell, when I got diagnosed at age 23 and I told my mother about it, stupidly thinking she would comfort me in a moment in which I felt vulnerable, nah, she flipped the fuck out and denied it all claiming I was trying to make her feel guilty. But then admitted that she sometimes experienced the same "issues" as me... But that it just demonstrated that they were normal, without an ounce of irony.
@@Homodemon that expecting comfort. I honestly won’t do that again for my own.
i dyed the tips of my hair pink (like miss draculara, of course) this month and i really wanted to tell my mom, but she always complains whenever i do something, so i don't feel safe telling her lest she throw a fit with me over the phone 400 miles away the way i know she would. my mom also often guilt trips me for not calling home more often even though she knows i don't always have the emotional energy to speak with her. (and she basically refuses to call me my preferred name so why she thinks i want to hear her deadname me twice a day, i cannot fathom.)
something i learned this year after reaching the lovely age of twenty: you have to do what makes you happy and let your maternal parent figure out how to be okay with that shit on their own time (or miss out because they cant be okay with it.) you are also not responsible for healing their inner child or the generational trauma that plagues your family. i am doing what i can to interrupt the cycle of that trauma for myself and my younger family members by being open and upfront with my family, but not everybody is able or willing to do that. found family can and will change your life. i remind my mother often: family is subjective (basically, it is who is there loving and supporting you, not who you think should be.) always surround yourself with people who want to be with you.
I feel you, every time I talk to my mum, I feel so drained. If I don’t reply she goes into fits. I don’t know, I guess I’m really tired of her. Told her about certain things, what I am, but she believes I can just change and be “normal” again. Oh well.
I'm so sick of people just saying "Well, you're 17. You'll be able to leave her when you turn 18." The pain doesn't just go away because you left the person dealing you the pain. I'll still feel the same way about myself. It makes me feel powerless, I can't do anything about it and no one will help. I feel alone. Sorry for the vent, this video just kinda struck a nerve-
Just because someone is legally able to leave doesn’t even mean they can. Usually these situations make it difficult to leave at all.
I never saw lady bird but I know my mom is abusive and neglectful. I had not spoken to my mom in years and then I got my period so I had to call her for supplies. Her response as she tossed the pads to me at 14 years old is that "I will not continue to support your habit'. My "habit" of getting my period every month. Ya like i have control over that!
Some people are so self-centered that even someone's normal biology feels like an attack to their personnal comfort.
Wtf does your mom not get periods too??
sounds like she assumed you had already made a habit out of asking for pads instead of getting them yourself... after asking once when you had it the first time? I am really sorry that you have that sort of mother
Ofcouse you can controll that. Just be pregnant all the time! No periods!
@@SaheeliRai omg this is life changing!! Gotta start mating now!! 😏😭😭
sorry to vent but so much of this resonated with me. especially the part about intergenerational abuse, i know the reason my mom treats me the way she does is because of her own trauma from her mother, but it has still completely ruined me. whenever i would bring up how she treats me i was just told to be grateful because of how much worse my grandmother treated her, it was to the point where it took me years to realize what i was experiencing was emotional abuse and not just a "complicated" mother daughter relationship. its so hard to cope when everyone around me denies what i experience as abuse, solely because it comes from a mother who also experienced trauma, even i try to deny myself into thinking im not being abused all the time. honestly i might never have children because im so terrified of continuing the cycle.
This is called gaslit or gaslight. The abusers or even the supporters of the abusers deny that there was any abuse. I experienced that too.
Oh god, you basically described my relationship with my mother word for word. I’m so sorry you had to go through that, I wish all the best for you.
I felt this in my soul.
yep, in the same boat as what you described. anytime i have any sort of complaints, even if they aren’t directed at her, she will chew me out because she “gives me everything and it’s not good enough” and that what she went through was so much worse so i should be grateful. i used to fall for it as a kid and teen but now in my 20s it’s infuriating to hear. i hope you are able to distance yourself from that relationship soon and set some boundaries up
my mom did the same to me. just because she was abused does not mean she didn’t abuse you. it took me years to learn that. it makes me sad but i can’t even talk to my mom, going on almost a year. sending you love ❤️
Thank you for calling Lady Bird out for what it is: a film about parental (mother) abuse. I remember watching it and being extremely angry as when I finished it due to the romanticism of the subject and how everyone was calling it “an accurate depiction of normal mother/daughter relationships” yet all I saw in that film was a lot of the abuse I got criticized and saying that Lady Bird was in the wrong because her mother loved her. I even made a letterboxd review about it and someone said that the only reason why I saw it as abusive was because I was extremely sheltered… yet, I was never sheltered. But I was definitely abused.
I was also told that it was probably because I was “too young” yet I’m 25 years old lol
exactly seeing it painted out as normal really pissed me off
It's hard when the trauma is unintentional.My parents didn't want to cause harm ,and did what they had to do,but my childhood self saw it as abandonment.Part of it was the cultural and lack of information about certain topics.
Same, theres some things that was "intentional" with my parents, but like for a majority of my childhood, my parents straight up neglected me because they were dealing with so much that they weren't emotionally able to take care of me. As much damage that was caused in that period of time, I can understand that a lot of it was unintentional and I'm not angry at them for it.
Yep same. I was left alone alot with my siblings sometimes for days and we never had any money. I was depressed and tried to kill myself 3 times and was shouted at for it instead of comforted. Like I was never beaten or abused but my parents were children themselves and are pretty bad parents. I don't care anymore. I'm a parent myself now and think I'm a good one. I've accepted we'll never have a good or close relationship and that's not ok but it's OK for me.
yeah. my parents themselves had a LOT of trauma and issues that they never resolved, and it showed in their parenting. neither of them should've had kids, they just weren't emotionally or mentally ready. it took me a long time to be able to admit that.
thissss omg
@@olivia-rk1tp Both my sister and I are disabled.I was a terror in my preteen years and It no doubt wore on them.My mom's family has always put on appearances.Anything deemed abnormal or improper was swept under the rug when she was growing up.
cant believe the timing of you dropping a video about mommy issues right after Freud’s bestie joe goldberg makes a comeback😭
Can’t wait to watch season three !!
@@Shanspeare This season is twisted trust me I think you will like it 🌼
By the way the video was really great 🌻
i was just watching it as she posted
Yess I binged it, great season
Lmao was the coke can a representation of Freud’s coke addiction? 😭😂
Photos of Sigmund Freud never showed how sickening his eye make up game was. Maybe a career path he would have created less damage with.
Great video btw!
Deceased. You’re so right, Freud should’ve stuck with that hobby instead of turning psychology on its head.
My mother says things like "if a mother can bring you in to this world, she can take you out too (yes she meant parents have the right to do ANYTHING BAD to their children lol)" and honestly, a lot of South Asian parents justify child abuse by saying that parents can do anything to their children because they 'own' them.
Also, I recommend reading Dave Pelzer's autobiography series, where he describes his mother's abuse on him.
I remember watching lady bird and thinking "ok a normal mother/daughter relationship". I went through the same process...you hate your mom as a kid and you grow up and learn to see them as the fallible humans we all are. The thing is, I've been through therapy, I know my mother was abusive, and I know the mother in the movie was, but in the moment of watching the movie it just seemed like a normal relationship. For any context, I am a white cis female who grew up very lower class in Alabama (in rural areas and large city). Larger things contributed to my abuse, but the things represented in the film were very present even when things were "good". In my experience in the with my friends growing up, it seems to be very common in the south. The push to be as feminine/domestic as possible is very strong as well.
20:58 As a guy myself, this really got me thinking.
The more I reflect on my past, the more I realized how none of my trauma truly came from my mom... but rather from other people in my life. My overbearing older siblings, very critical grandmother, bullies at school, etc.
Hug 🫂
But could your mother do something about it? How was her relationship with your father? Would her be your “hero”? Things..
Same, I got bullied and picked on a lot during my tween years and I’ve only recently realized the impact it’s had on me.
I have a very critical grandmother as well but she's the one who raised me instead of my parents. Safe to say, Im a very fucked up adult
I was waiting for this one! i wish we talked more often about mommy issues and the trauma that we can carry because of poor relationships with our mothers. it's so hard to discuss my trauma with my mother since it's the idea of "how can your mother cause you trauma if she gave birth for you, raised you and **insert basic needs that a parent should give their kids** , you are so ungrateful" it's still deeply rooted in our society. I can stress enough how many times i came to realization that most of my trust, self-image and self-worth issues are associated with my mother, our relationship and how her words deeply wounded me and still do.
Anyways LET'S NORMALIZE CRITICIZING OUR MOTHERS and destroy the idea of "a mother's love is the strongest you will ever receive" cause sometimes, your mother will not even like you :,-)
Of course the evangelion fan was anticipating a video about mommy issues.
@@rinkyrosey9689 BRUH ... it was a good joke, a great joke even...
but i need you to stop anyways 🤚😫 don't call me out like this
Sexus return Edward. Dignity and rights were robbed when she gave birth to you..
Children can be raised by any one not just their parents.
You're not supposed to worship children.
Kings and queens looked at their children as HE IRS
Your mother caused to be answered.
He's making you how you are.
So all you can do is know your mother is a personAnd learn for her example.
And it's so hurtful when people don't believe you when you try to speak about it. I told a teacher that my mother told me I am trash and stuff, and she straight up said I was lying and that she would never do that. I admitted to that, out of shock, understanding that she won't believe me if I tried to convince her. And it hurt. I feel so much guilt around not being able to love my mother, and I often doubt my experiences, telling myself that it wasn't that bad and that whatever she has done to me was my fault anyway. I struggle with trusting my own reality to the point I need outside opinions to see whether I feel the right feelings and think the right thoughts. There were too many times when I thought my reality wasn't real. To be denied that my mother could say hurtful things to me and hurt me in general made me feel so guilty.
I see so many people excusing their parents abusive tendencies as it just being how their race does it. One thing is how Spanish mothers beat their kids with a shoe that’s not okay I don’t think kids should be beat at all. I saw a story of an Indian mother who hired a hit man on her child because she decided to get married to someone her family didn’t approve of. That’s definitely not okay and the lady blamed it on her culture and said she can basically do whatever she want in India cause she’s rich.
yes oh my goodness, Hispanic culture rlly normalizes beating children and I honestly think it’s not okay. my dad even regrets doing it to me and my little brother, and so does my mom
Very true, there is a lot of jokes made among hispanic kids, especially "la chacla" and although it can be fun to joke about some collective experience.
I always got the feeling that instead of challenging those experiences and the damage they bring, they were normalised, made seem as a way to develop "thicker skin".
Little do they know trauma doesn't necessarily makes you stronger, it just makes it more insidious.
Who you're gonna marry in India is a decision taken by the whole nation except you✨
confronting the idea that parents, in this topic, mothers, are not perfect and did not have the best intention in mind is hard to confront. In hispanic culture, elders are revered and mothers (also abuelas!) can be especially because of religious overtone, La Virgen De Guadalupe. In my case, my mother glorified parents and forced this idea down my throat, while also despising her mother for being evil vile pos simultaneously avoided speaking ill of her. We are forced culturally and emotionally to be in the mindset of cognitive dissonance to avoid confrontation with how parents, ours "sacred" mothers, can be bad people therefore breaking our reality. I love this discussion because I feel like slowly but surely we can break the cycle of abuse intertwined with our culture. :)
@@marogmartz Exactly. I always thought of that mentality as mad overcompensation, the vulnerability and shame of having gone through it makes them claim they're okay and stronger before the abuse, even when they're clearly not. Especially men.
"Hey, my parents beat me up black and blue and look at me! I'm doing just fine!" **Flies off the handle at any opportunity** **has repressed anger issues** **is overcome by sudden bouts of clinical depression "for no apparent reason" after certain age** **has one hundred physical afflictions that are tightly related to chronic stress and anxiety**
not me right after i was forced to apologise to my own mother because I reacted badly to how she was acting and was hurt by her actions but because i hurt and disrespected her in my response it is my fault and i should learn to do better...
So are you blaming yourself or are you just making a statement?
@@octavianjoseph8633 making a statement. I apologised for being rude, I was hoping she'd apologise for her actions too but obv that wasn't going to happen
Your becoming my comfort TH-camr and im not complaining ‼️
as a younger dude with an emotionally abusive mother, i feel very seen and validated from watching this video, so thank you shan. i plan on sticking around the channel for a while, your commentary was very insightful and your whole production is very fun. i hope everyone whos suffered at the hands of inter-generational abuse finds peace and happiness.
As someone with deep rooted mommy issues, as it’s so eloquently put, I’m very thankful for this video. Maternal abuse is horrid, a nightmare you never wake up from although you have a desperate need to do just that. First time viewing _Lady Bird_ I cried especially hard when she asks if her mother liked her, and there was zero response. The film perfectly coveys how hopeless and wrong one feels having an unreachable mother.
My mother let me be abused, and was abusive and controlling herself, it was my reality since I was a small child; I don’t know of anything else, how it’s like to have a loving mother. I used to feel so off witnessing my classmates relationships with their affectionate mothers, and referred to myself as a ‘bad child’. Just like Lady Bird, my mother does not like me, simply because I don’t fit into the box she had prepared for me, her son. It hurts. Being wounded like this by your parent has grand effect on you, and your brain’s development. My childhood was polarising, with my mother like this, and my father being a typical father _and_ a typical mother; loving, caring, nurturing… whatnot (adore that man, high probability that he saved my life). I am twenty-five now, still live at home due to mental issues that developed from said trauma. The fact that people watch _Lady Bird_ , and _don’t_ see any issues with how Marion treats her own child, is an issue in and of itself.
Also, Sigmund, you look positively exquisite.
nearly started crying when you started talking about emotional abuse because i relate to it with my mom so much 😦
Listennn, first Khadija upload, then Intelexual & now YOU 😮💨 STRESSSSFULLLLLLL. Where am I gonna find enough food to watch so much content 😩
LMAO
I see you everywhere I love every one of your comments
I figured out from a very young age that my mother couldn't be trusted with my feelings. If I was feeling anxious about something at school, or got excited about something that interests me, I'd either bottle it up or go talk to a friend about it because she always found some way to diminish my feelings and play it off as "its just my sense of humor, you should learn to have one too"🙄then she gets offended when I'm affectionate with anyone else in my life besides her. She moves through life like she's incapable of saying/doing anything offensive/abusive and her gaslighting me when I choose to confront her makes me question my sanity.
It’s so tough realising now that during my teen years I bonded so hard with my friends mothers because I didn’t have a good relationship with my mother
This video proved to me that not only I have daddy issues but I have mummy issues as well. Oh golly. I think the thing that made my mother this way was the unreasonable expectation from society that she internalized. She was many things but overall she demanded love solely for sacrificing everything to this ideal that none of her children asked to sacrifice.
Something about lady bird that really stood out to me was I watched it for the first time with my parents and in the scenes where lady bird and Marion are arguing or like the dress shopping scene, I felt so uncomfortable with how Marion was addressing her daughter while my parents (more so my dad) were laughing at how “ridiculous and hysterical” lady bird would react, and it made me think that I was wrong in feeling that way
Edit: my mum wasn’t the emotionally abusive parent for me, I just thought it was worth saying.
My mom only loves me for being her daughter and not for the person I am. When I told this to her, she stayed quiet and it hurted me a lot
As I watched it, I remembered my mother screaming at me that she hated me and wanted me to die. Or how she threatened to kill me when my sister outed me.
I sharply remembered why I didn't communicate with my family.
Thank you for voicing this. I'm sick and tired of being told that mom's aren't abusive or that they still love me despite what they've done. I find it disgusting when I see those types of comments invalidating all the hurt people like me have gone through. Again, thanks a lot
I’m deeply dependent on my mum. I know I am. We’ve had a very toxic relationship growing up, chock-full of your classic South-east Asian stuff like gaslighting, pushing me down a path I didn’t want, financial control, silent treatments, and taking things out on other when she’s angry. I’ve had to try to change my own habits, especially that last one and now I’m even teaching her how to communicate.
To some extent, yes I understand that my mum was told to respect the elders and forced to grow up quickly when fleeing as a refugee. I understand that she did sacrifice so much time and energy to raise us. But we need to have a talk about how I am not an extension of who she is, and that her job as a mother does not come with repayments. I’ve forever felt guilt that I’m not the daughter she wanted, whilst also being fearful of breaking free and doing my own thing.
I also think about how so many women go into motherhood completely unprepared for what I means. I barely saw my mum because she was always working. My dad was passive. Their lives would’ve been easier if they had just 2 kids instead of a 3rd (me). The burden of parenthood and the childhood trauma I got are some of the reasons I’m so wary about having kids and seriously think I won’t.
how do you find it in your heart to forgive her whilst acknowledging all the bad things she’s done to you? like i experience so much you listed right now and i’ve acknowledged it but i struggle finding empathy for her
@@kitty4638 you could call it codependency but I know that her eventually passing will devastate me so I make the most out of every day. I also know that in the end, she really does the most for me and she has changed after I changed me approach to it all (letting go of trivial arguments, regulating my emotions). It’s really less about her and more about wanting to move forward with what I’ve been given.
@@chlooeydeschanel5159 i love that for you, wishing us both the best.
Emotional abuse is so underlooked. I love that you stopped and explained it clearly. I have two psych degrees, so you would think I would recognize the signs. Nope. I didn’t realize I was in an abusive relationship, because everyone said he was nice and he never physically hurt me.
It's underlooked Fr. I'm a masc woman and speaking up about the issues I've experienced with women is hard at best. I'm labelled physically abusive while the women who have emotionally abused me get a free pass.
something that always pleasantly surprises me in these videos is the casual acknowledgement of transness and broader intersectionality. often times I can come away from these essays as a trans man feeling like my lived experience with, say, my own abusive mother, as being acknowledged without pigeonholing the daughter wound into just a cis woman issue where if I want to participate in the conversation I have to step down from my own identity. idk its just- this video overall just deeply resonated with me.
Heyo. fellow trans dude who coincidentally is also named ven on TH-cam
@@ven4702 omg hi. i love ur rock lee icon
FREUD !! My actual arch nemesis. I’M IN SHAMBLES, screaming, sobbing and throwing up 😭
Can we share arch-nemeses? Freud’s been on my list since I had to spend a semester in high school listening to him be a 100% creep
One thing I've noticed and I'm glad you addressed this although briefly is that parents of colour seem to get a pass for being abusive souly because they are parents of colour. I've seen this trope in the media over and over again and as someone with parents of colour who behaved like that being exposed to media and an environment where there behavior was justified it really took me along time ro realize what they are doing is wrong
Because it can sometimes feel like, at least to me, that trying to criticize that abusive behaviour is “being racist because you’re forcing ‘white, western values’ on ‘traditional POC households’”
And I’ve struggled with this idea of “POC/immigrant children these days being too ‘westernized’”
Emotional abuse does so much damage, I blame a large portion of my anxiety and low self image on the nitpicking and putting down my mum gave me when I was a teenager. Thankfully I love myself a lot more nower days but I think the anxiety and perfectionism is going to stay with me for life
Thank god for talking about this, and especially about how it affects girls as well. I'm a daughter who has experienced toxic parenting from their mother and I feel like no one really talks about how it can affect us. I always feel like I'm over reacting or being too sensitive, but seeing more and more people talk about this topic in relation to daughters has made it feel a bit better and like I'm not fucking insane. So thank you, your videos are always a pleasure watch and comfort food in the form of a video essay.
i was smothered as a child (my mother is still v overbearing and has a hard time being self aware of it because she was abandoned by her own mother as a child, so she sees how she acts as a positive and when we try to tell her about why its not good she gets really defensive) and yeah its not been good on my psyche bc i get so scared doing new things by myself & think its impossible for me to be completely independent sometimes
You can do it. I come from the same background and I feel almost like a phoenix that died and rose again from its ashes, transformed. It's wild how much change humans are capable of, especially when you're really hungry for it. And it can terrifying, but that sense of satisfaction afterwards when it seems like you've done the impossible? Addictive. Make sure to celebrate the little things you do, even what normal people take for granted as easy just because they learn it young, and remember that life is meant to be lived, loves to be lived.
A lot of the fear you have is likely borrowed from your mother instead of your own, and looking for/creating your own new complex emotions towards things can be a revolutionary, empowering thing. You really don't realize how much of your thoughts and feelings are just... someone else's, until you actively stop and focus on it.
@@eldritchtourist thank you so much for your encouraging words! ‘A lot of the fear you have is likely borrowed’ is such an eye opener, i’ll definitely apply this!
It’s difficult I’m a mom I love taking care of my daughter, I try to instill independence in her as much as possible but really sometimes I just want my new born back, cuddles and all.
I'm in the exact same position as you. I know my mom loves me unconditionally and she would do anything for me, but the thing is that this has bounced back terribly in some aspects of my life. I'm 20 now and I have never cleaned a toilet in my entire life, my cooking is not that great, I've never had a job because my parents always discouraged me from it as they could provide me with all the money I needed (for which I'm extremely grateful, but now I lack a lot of experience and find it harder to start working now that I'm older), I have trouble making big decisions on my own because they have always been there to guide me and also I have trouble learning a lesson from my mistakes because usually they would just make the consequences of my actions disappear, which is very unsustainable in the long run and that's not the kind of person I want to be. All of this makes me really sad because her mother (my grandma) was very distant and I know she wants me to have everything that she couldn't. Facing the fact that she has overcompensated is hard for her so we don't really talk about it, which on one hand I completely understand. However, I hope we'll deal with this somehow and make our relationship that much better and stronger.
@@Ms.A422 thats totally valid! i understand both sides of it really. it makes me the most upset because i know my mum never had what she gave me growing up so i can really empathise with that
Please talk about how motherhood overtakes a woman’s identity/she is supposed to exist solely for the child
your message at the end saying that “you’re so sorry to anyone who resonated with anything in this video” really touched me, thank you so much 💗💗
Thank you for this video. Finally, someone who called it as it is: EMOTIONAL ABUSE and Not a "CoMpLiCaTeD" mother-daughter relationship. Also, i love it how it's always the teenager's fault and how the teenage girl is the "egoist" and "selfish", but the grown ass adult won't be held to the standards they should be AS A PARENT and pretend as the victims of the situation! Sorry that you decided to bring a child to this world and that child all of a sudden has needs and shit... Wow... who would have thought that children (and teens - which are still children btw) will have needs?
I’ve never actually realised before how much my relationship (or lack thereof) with my parents affects me :( great video tho :)
(venting here, sorry) Also like. As a nonbinary person, after coming out (actually being forced out of the closet) my mom's behavior got so much worse. I don't know if this is a common experience but my mother clearly tries to live through me like I was a character in the sims. So me no longer being a woman she could project onto kinda broke her. It's particularly bone chilling to me whenever she tries to emulate me, which is often. Dying her hair, getting piercings, tattoos, even ear gauges. Her creepy behaviour towards the boyfriends I had. It's all honestly terrifying in a very specific, hard to explain way. But she's also old and needs help navigating the modern world. She's often vulnerable and I have to be there for her because no one else will. Exactly the same way that she was forced to take care of my grandma on her last years, I will probably have to do the same. And I've had this responsability to "steer" her the right way ever since I was a child. It's a terribly unfair burden, to be a child having to stop your mother from maxing out credit cards (and lots of other irresponsible stuff). How could I have known better? I was a kid and she was a grown ass woman. And I'm only now starting to not blame myself for her financial situation. It took me completely detaching from her, I can't effectively feel anything for her anymore, otherwise the pain is honestly, soul crushingly unbearable. I'm going to therapy now and living with my dad. I'm doing my best to be the best for myself.
> common experience
> mom living through you like a sims character
EXTREMELY. PAINFULLY. DISGUSTINGLY COMMON! 8") Even hearing it mentioned is like a punch in the heart it's so viscerally Real.
I can even attest to having an extremely similar experience from being a trans man. My mom really hates men and I was her lil' matchies dress up like her and parrot her personality and preferences stuffed animal as a kid. Then when I came out as trans she was real uncomfy but I pandered to her by being a nice sweet polite effeminate looking boy. She'd constantly bait me to disapprove of men and do a whole Not Like Other Guys routine still and whenever I didn't answer in the way she wanted the displeasure/immense awkwardness/cognitive dissonance was more than palpable. Slowly shifted away from that as I grew aware of the abuse and I'm very visibly masculine now lmao.
I relate to this so hard with my stepmother and it’s horrible
The sad thing is, when you show your mother proof that she caused emotional scars and "believes" that she broke intergenerational trauma (curses by her standards because she's religious), she will not see it as abuse because it wasn't physical. Some mothers refuse to see that they can cause (and have caused) emotional trauma.
I have a very protective mother who also passed on generation trauma (my grandmother was a victim of domestic abuse, my mom lived through the majority of it, and her mom died of cancer when she was 19 pregnant of my older brother) and ooooooooh boy. You don't understand the amount of therapy I have to go through to find myself worth something because none of my problems are valid because my mom went through so much and didn't want me to make mistakes so she never let me try anything out or was super critical of the way my FACE LOOKS, and how people sometimes just treat me bad because I "have a mean face"
I relate to all of this...like ARE YOU MY SISTER BECAUSE OUR FAMILY HISTORIES LOOK ALMOST IDENTICAL
Fun fact, doctors are still diagnosing hysteria. They'll call it different things but they're reccomending CBT for physical symptoms and refusing physical medical help or research
"It's just a stress symptom, I can't do anything for you", yeah, sounds familiar.
are you talking about histrionic personality disorder? I agree the name is @$$-backwards but it's a legitimate personality disorder that does have medical research and stuff to back it up, and I'm not sure what "physical symptoms" you are referring to since it's psychiatric
@@bungaTV3831 no I'm talking about fibromyalgia, cfs/me, eds, non epileptic seizures, lyme disease, conversion disorder(literally hysteria renamed)that sorta thing. But I also would not be surprised if there are a lot of people qith genuine physical medical conditions misdiagnosed as histrionic or muchauseans just because doctors couldn't be bothered to do their jobs
@@kayuliosborne4110 many people don't know this but they actually do have tests designed to detect when patients "fake" disorders or have disorders that are more psychiatric than physical in nature, and many of the conditions you said (eg. fibromyalgia, cfs) have a high rate of this happening, which is why doctors sometimes tend to be more skeptical when considering these conditions. additionally, the conditions you mentioned don't have any validated biomarkers or diagnostic tests, they are diagnoses given once everything else has been ruled out, which is another reason why it takes a long time for a doctor to give a patient the diagnosis. additionally, despite ongoing research these conditions are still not yet very well understood, so it's also a matter of waiting for the science to catch up. it's not as simple as 'bad doctors', altho I won't deny that this is the case for some situations, especially when well-understood diseases go undiagnosed or untreated like endometriosis
@@bungaTV3831 they may have tests but considering the real life experience of disabled people( even ones with verifiable diagnosises) and the awful ignorant and exclusive history of medical research I don't put much stock in it. Ask any chronically ill person what they think of doctors and 9 times outta ten they've received rude or negligent care at least once. Hell until they invented the MRI they were treating people with MS like this, its not patients faults that sometimes science just doesn't know yet but unfortunately a whole lot of doctors would rather gaslight patients than admit they don't know. Also about 2% of the population has histrionic personality disorder and about 2% of people have just fibro not including any other common chronic health conditions that are mistreated so it's definitely not more common for people to fake these things than to actually have them.
I think this is the only time when someone can say "Freud" was right lol
i feel like the mother wound in afab people often manifests as not wanting to become your mother. like,,, even actively living your life to be as different from your mother as possible even if its causing harm because you'd rather be anyone but your mom
I know there's no parenting manual but it makes me sad how common it is for parents (mothers in this case) to abuse and manipulate their children under the guise of love. My experience is the reason I'm terrified to and most likely not going to ever have children...
BESTIEEEEE I CANT WAIT TO WATCH THIS AFTER I FINISH THIS PAPER 😈🖤
YES BESTIE FINISH YOUR PAPER!!! PROUD OF YOU
when you went back and clarified that lady bird didn’t forgive her mother rather she started to understand that she is a multifaceted person, it just hit so hard. i recently have come to the same point, it’s hard to forgive my mother but i’ve begun to have more patience for her because i am able to understand her more
You know what hurts just as bad as your parent purposely trying to tear you down? A parent that tries to build you up but continuously knocks you down without knowing it. It hurts to see the parental figure you KNOW loves and cares about you tear you down without realizing it. Remember, not all abuse is intentional.
It took so long for me to understand that women can abuse because of this flawless mother concept. Even after being s*x*ally abused by a girl, I didn't consider it abuse until many years later. I used to blame everything on my father, as if he was the only abusive parent, because of his obvious agressivity. Only now I'm seeing more and more how my mother can be manipulative through subtle softspoken words. I didn't notice specially because I, even as a teenager, never argued with her. I always picked her side and to this day still find difficult not to give into her emotional blackmail. I realised she's not perfect after 23yrs of living my life and I dont know what to do with that information HAHAH
I’m sorry that happened to you I hope you get to heal and grow from that
As a black man (21) I def got issues that are from my mom. Not that she was a bad mother by any stretch in terms of providing shelter food and clothes cause she bust her ass to get me those things by herself (mostly until my gparents decided to start helping). One night I was think I act to all the times my mom flat out neglected things I would show her like my art which means a lot to me or stories I would write or a good grade in a class I was struggling in she would just shrug it off or be condescending. Most of the time I felt she didn’t care until I eventually stopped telling her the good, then eventually not the bad bc that’s the only time I got emotional responses and it hurt but I was better than being shrugged off. And with what I know now Ik it comes from trying to live up to expectations as a single black mother and a lot of the neglect came from looking for help in a partner at the cost of growing distant. She still knows me in terms of my habits and likes and dislikes but there’s a part of me that knows my mom doesn’t understand how truly smart I am or how much I go through and I can take responsibility for not telling her but as a kid making the decision to just keep everything to myself was a big one it’s one I thought made me a man to just deal with it instead of running to mommy. It now I realize I honestly struggle in relationships today bc I’m so cold and distant for fear of being emotionally let down. I’m glad I found not only a woman speaking on this but a black woman it’s so important for us to have this discussion. Especially since mother’s especially in black communities are looked at as infallible and heroes it’s hard to confront or criticize mom without feeling like you’re being out of pocket (which once you eventually do confront them they had light you into believing you are being disrespectful for holding them accountable before hopefully accepting it). Keep up the good content
having a physically and emotionally abusive father, growing up i had the idea that mom was always the good parent and dad was the bad parent, mostly because mom did the financial support part and never really screamed and didn't hit me once.
but when i was 16 or 17, we had a huge fight and it culminated with my mom making a comment about how my mental health issues shouldn't be displayed, because it made me look insane.
that was the first time in my life when i can honestly say i was so hurt i cried myself to sleep. that good/bad parent dichotomy was positively shattered, too.
i can't forgive or forget those words, and it has permanently damaged my relationship with my mom; i don't trust her at all anymore.
once that distrust settled in, it also evidentiated a pattern of emotional manipulation, and her telling me that she's the only person i can trust, or that other people aren't trustworthy at all.
(which sucks to hear after struggling with trust issues and making baby steps to meet other people halfway).
that one tumblr post that specified that while daddy issues make you a people pleaser, but mommy issues make you a sociopath, might have seriously been onto something.
This is a really interesting issue for me since I have some not so common types of mommy issues. In many ways, my parents really switched gender roles up completely. My mom spent most of my childhood out of the house either working or at happy hours with coworkers. My dad was the one that worked from home, walked me to school, and made my meals. He was also much more emotional in general (he cried when we saw Crazy Rich Asians because of how romantic it was). I essentially fall into the (partially) absent mother category. My mom has since quit her corporate job and has spent the last few years trying to better her relationship with me… it’s not really working tbh. I ended up finding mother figures elsewhere I guess, even more in my dad doing the emotional support. I definitely have some major issues but luckily I haven’t fallen into any incel circles yet…
you've pretty much described the plot of autumn sonata (1978). if you haven't seen it yet, i fully recommend it, i couldn't stop thinking about it for weeks even though my relationship with my mom was quite different. i wish you luck with your mom and mental health :)
I love my mom but watching this confirmed my suspicions of having mommy issues. my mom was from an Asian French Canadian family and so expectations of her were high and her parents were very abusive and now I feel like I can’t ever be angry with her or even have the right to because of the sacrifices she’s made for me in life, and whenever I try to point out she may be in the wrong she somehow makes me feel bad for saying it. She seems so educated on psychology but doesn’t notice what she’s doing I love her but I feel bad for even existing maybe it’s a personal problem🥲
As a psychologist, this is the most attention I've ever given/will give to Freud.
Hey fellow audience members, I'd love to suggest a great resource if you have a rough relationship with your mother. The book "Mother's Who Can't Love" by Susan Forward, PhD is amazing! Don't let the title scare you, she discusses case studies all over the spectrum of difficult behaviour from moms, from physical abuse to ignoring boundaries to quietly breaking their children down. Half of the book is case studies discussing the different ways mothers' behaviour can be harmful, and the second half of the book is exercises you can work on to heal and keep yourself safe in future. It's so helpful, especially if you don't currently have access to mental healthcare at this time. Stay healthy, you're valid 💚
It almost hurts more finally coming to an understanding of your mother and that she can be kind and is kind to others. Making you believe it is you are at fault for her hating you and doing this when that is not the case at all. And even after all that you still love her. At the same time though it's nicer than being angry cause that shit is exhausting
As someone who has an emotionally abusive father, I have to say thank you for making a very clear explanation of emotional abuse with a popular movie. It's so easy to normalize emotional abuse which is why I don't talk about it but it is NOT normal. Your parents should love you and encourage you, not make you feel worthless and like you'll never be enough. You are more than enough. Also appreciate the funny ending because I was about to cry lol.
My mother has continually chose a man who abuses her emotionally and now has called both of her sons homophobic slurs over her children for nearly 10 years of my life. She's taken her anger out on me, and she's neglected my emotions and feelings for almost a whole decade. I've had enough. I've searched for her love ever since I've left her house and I'm done with searching for it if she won't choose to love me. I will love her forever, but I can't keep putting myself down to keep my relationship with her.
Shan, thanks for talking about this. I am 29 years old, and just recognizing my "mother wound". It is a horrifying amount of self work to try and heal. If I had seen something g like this when I was younger, I would have had a head start. Great video.
I'm so glad you made this, can't wait to watch film fatales one now! I think the mother relationship is almost taboo to talk about because we're raised to think higher of mothers than fathers, because they typically have to do more in terms of raising us, so being critical is automatically seen as ungrateful and "wrong" and, as you rightly pointed out, the abuse tends to be emotional and if history has taught us anything, it's that people don't take mental health issues seriously enough to warrant calling this out
I cannot comprehend why Shanspeare isn't a viral hit (move over whoever the latest hottest TH-cam is). Brilliant and iconic. If you don't already have super fans, I volunteer myself as tribute. Love y'a!
It was nice to see men being affected by abuse too being a bit of a forefront topic. I spent most of my life being heavily abused by a mother suffering from severe PTSD, and any attempt to bring notice to it was met with "a mother could NEVER do that to a child, you're probably just exaggerating."
i'm a grown woman and i still find myself cowering like a child when my mother is upset or angry about something.
you literally solved a couple years old mystery for me; "why do mommy issues hurt more than daddy issues?" (hint; gender roles) i am so glad i came across your channel. thank you for helping me heal.
my relationship with my mom went through all three of these and it's interesting bc now i am a transmasc non-binary person lmao
I have to agree, my mum’s weird
Heheh.. heh... Same... Hmmm. Oh boy lol
I do love my mother deeply, but still I feel that she wounded me, some time in the past (when exactly, who knows), and... I am still not sure how to think (or feel) about that either...
I really enjoyed these videos! It’s been a long time since I could just sit there and watch a 30 minute video let alone 2 separate ones and actually stay interested the entire time, but these were so well done and I’m so glad I found your channel!
Parts of this video made me cry. Please do more, the tears were real and wrenching but your kind words at the end helped.
Sending so much love to everyone else that felt seen/heard/understood by this topic.
Thank you as always for making such deftly handled videos on really tricky subjects.