Thank you for this. I've cut off from my family of origin and my in-laws for not supporting me through my long marriage to a grandiose malignant narc. I'm grieving for the loss of dreams and myself. No contact with the narc and all his enablers and those who contributed through abuse in making me vulnerable to the narc
@@ArchAngel435SAME HERE. F them for taking everything good & turning it to shit. And the therapists who didn’t have the ballz to stay true to the goal of supporting me during the family sessions/mtgs. I’ve been there before and why I hesitate to do family therapy. The charisma, ego, or confidence of the narcissistic enmeshed family members is so MANIPULATIVE that it feels like steps backwards in the individual work I’ve done. Very damaging. F that. But now what?! 🤷🏻♀️
I’ve been examining my selective forgiveness of others for abuses.. for instance, the more I know re: their own wounds, the more I tend to forgive. (Doesn’t have to entail continued contact.) It can help somewhat in forgiveness of oneself.
"I do for you so you do for me" said every person that did absolutely nothing for me but expected me to do so for them under threat and emotional coercion.
@@Alison-o9dI destroyed all the photos that we had over the course of twenty five year marriage. Even before I knew he was a narc. He got the message and moved on, far easier to hook up with his former divorce client than make real changes to his behavior. They never change
Oh definitely. My ex-wife bought new wedding rings after she let me know she had been cheating. Only told me because she thought she caught something. Also got a PS4. But she wanted to reset and forget any of that happened
You bear the abuse so they can feel good about themselves for some reason. Just like the people who don't want others to have pain medicine. They say you're not in that much pain because they feel fine so what's your problem? They puff their chest out placing heavy burdens on others that they won't lift a finger themselves. They deserve it for a much less severe problem but in NO situation should you ever receive any. One "good" reason for you to not get any medicine is severe pain makes it harder to think and have energy for life. That makes you easier to manipulate. The manipulation is for your own good. They know! They know all things! All the flying monkeys agree!
That’s exactly my past experience. My ex used to say “why are you dwelling on the past?” Maybe because you’re repeating it in the present. They’re not sincere about anything but being fake
It's just a cheap tactic they use to try and sidestep accountability. My ex would always time things well enough that she could drop the bomb very suddenly and leave before the dust had a chance to settle in order to avoid having to answer for herself. Then she'd show up a couple of years later when I was feeling much better in myself and therefore far less likely to bring up the past. If I ever did question anything then she'd either come back with the same response you quoted, or she'd claim to not remember. Selective amnesia is another of their goto responses. And if that isn't enough to make you back down then they might decide to reveal some of the things that they purposely hid from you all those years ago or come out with a real or made up counter-claim aimed at distracting you and putting you off-kilter. The 'SURPRISE' Grenade! Whenever you try to clear anything up with them, every question answered begs another bloody question.
Every time they offer you a little treaty, they expect that you invest into them and the relationship with full force. They offer you breadcrumbs and expect in return a whole 7 course menu. Its all transactional and you can not win.
Yes!! It's like Beauty and the Beast. He holds her as prisoner and then invites her for dinner. She refuses and he yells at her to go ahead and starve. This is exactly what my brother does. He's so toxic, and then he'll appear friendly towards me in public or behind my back and people judge me for not warming up to him. 🤦♀️
In therapy, "You havent even noticed how I don't yell at you anymore! Why don't you recognize how much I've changed!" Uh, thank you for not yelling at me?
It is an improvement. Do you validate it and tell them how you feel that it is still hurtful behavior even if their voice is not raised? Therapists are too often passive agressive to the detriment of the person getting help. They have issues, you are supposed to be the healed person. If you don't want to do the work, don't do it.
@@goldbrick2563 Thank you for ruinging my safe space to vent. Now, I'm on the defensive. Of course, I lauded and exalted them for not yelling at me. They got more access to me, and all the benefits of not being an asshole. However, in hindsight, it's hard not to say to yourself, "am I really thanking them for not hitting/screaming/emotionally abusing me?" That's a hard reality check. Once I hoped I could vent about here.
@@SafetyStrips to help them effectively, the therapist has to express their feelings about the behavior. Express all of it. If you hold back, the individual doesn't learn. Express the disdain tactfully. The person doesnt know or maybe they do but to be told by someone they trust and think is on their side, the message gets through and their behavior improves little by little. If my comment ruins your safe space, maybe toughen up because everyone here is focused on healing. Thick skin is therapist necessity. Sorry if i am brusque. My therapist doesnt say enough and gets passive aggressive. Its not helpful and i'm about to leave. I think she is overworked and loses patience. It's a tough job, I applaud you for doing it and trying to make the world a better place.
Just because the narcisist wants to get the slate clean and go on abusing you, does not mean you have to have anything to do with them if you don’t want to. And I don’t want to. They have caused enough damage in my life and I don’t want to have anything to do with them. I forgive them but want them to stay away from me!
I forgave her years ago in my mid twenties without really knowing exactly what it was that I was forgiving. It enabled me to move on and completely reinvent myself and transform my life. But years later when she came back and things appeared to be very different from before I eventually let her back in and went through the same turmoil all over again. In my forties by the time it came to a terrible halt and she managed to waltz out of my life and avoid having to take accountability, like the slippery shit she is, and it would be a year before I knew she was narcissistic, but not before I'd exhausted every other line of enquiry including attachment styles and mental health issues. I actually discovered my mother was narcissistic first (and later my best friend too), which delayed the discovery that my ex was a covert narc, but helped confirm it. It took a lot of massive life changes to get myself out of the funk I was in the last time, but this time it feels so much harder because I know what it was and that it was abuse. I have to learn to accept that I allowed much of it to happen, but I also realised how an event very early on in our first relationship in which she convinced me I'd cheated on her, created the foundations for a relationship dynamic in which I believed that I was the untrustworthy party and therefore what reason could I have to not trust her. And in the years that followed we never ever had a proper argument for one reason or another, crazy no? To say if was fucked up is putting it lightly. I don't have the time or resources to transform my life a second time, plus the motivation isn't there. The things I try and do to lift myself don't seem to work and the sense of injustice and the need to put things right is overwhelming. I don't want her back, but by God I really want to let her know exactly what she's done and to tear up her make believe narrative before shutting the door on her forever.
Dealing with a narc is like dealing with someone like Vladimir Putin or Adolph Hitler. Appeasement only gets more conflict in the long run. Compromise is considered weakness and permission by them.
After 45 years I can count on one hand the amount of apologises I got. I have left and in the distribution of assets he did change his attitude for one day but as soon as all was not in his control again he went immediately back to the sulking and grunting and silent treatment. So glad to be out. So much happier.
All the narc has to do is transform their behavior instead of covering it up with “nice gestures” i.e. smearing the situation they’ve caused with sh*t.
And those nice gestures are predictable after awhile and really come across as even more fake , because that is their way to say they are sorry , because they never do .
Once the arguments over, the narcissist goes on with their life. It’s like they have a little etch-a-sketch that can just erase any wrongdoings for them. That’s convenient.
I called it their magic slate. His favorite saying was, "That's in the past," "The lie, incident, word salad or abusive act could have been 2 min ago, the day before or just part of the constant and consistent way the narcissist blows hot and cold and hypocritical, coersion and bs scrambles, DARVOs every encounter , to include collusion and coersion and brute force and triangulation all in a 5 min span is amazing to step back and watch once you realize what is actually going on.
They’re looking for a temporary fix…to get back into your good graces….they are like a rubberband….they can stretch ( as in stretch the truth)….but they willALWAYS return to the same shape..
My narc husband never makes me a coffee or anything, but I’m expected to make him one. I worry, and I’d say it’s justified, that he might put something in whatever foods or drinks I have….its awful thinking like this but they’re capable of anything 😖
My granddaughter tried to get me to rescue her mother yet again in a ridiculous situation that I have stepped away from completely. Now my granddaughter who used to talk to me, is angry with me. Her mother has done a great job of isolating. The last family member, who had anything to do with me from me. It’s amazing how clearly you see their manipulations once you have the facts and have a accomplished radical acceptance. I’m 75 and I guess I’ll live the rest of my life without family. This is not what I had hoped for. I’ve always done my best to be the best mother to them possible. But you can’t change someone’s personality and I have stopped trying.
My heart goes out to you,, That must be an excruciating experience for you,, I wish you strength and serenity in your journey 💖💐💐 Signed, Daughter of a narcissistic mother
@@jullietmburu9672 thank you for your kind reply. My mother was a narcissist who was also bipolar and obsessive compulsive. I feel so lucky that this horrible personality type has bypassed me, but I so wish my daughters had not been afflicted with narcissism.❤
It is a no-win situation. I have been going through Parent Alienation for the last 18 years in regard to my oldest daughter. It is collateral damage after going a divorce with her narcissist mother. My home is peaceful with no drama. My plan is to keep it that way.
This is insightful and affirming. My parents are emotionally immature, narcissistic and they preserved their toxic marriage since I was a child and throughout the course of my younger siblings’ lives. My siblings and I survived their dysfunction, chaos and superficiality, but it’s apparent that those experiences negatively affected us. I was branded as “disrespectful” when I had the courage to confront my father some years ago. It’s a relief to learn that distancing myself from and challenging the insincere, shallow peace pact that my parents created doesn’t make me the family villain.
Oh my gosh, this is EXACTLY what I'm going through right now!!! I watch you every single day to remind myself of why I walked away a month ago and changed my number, blocked his family and will not respond to his barrage of "poor me- you never loved me" messages. (From prison!!!)
LOL, can't stop laughing. This is word-for-word what just happened in my "marriage". Problem for my spouse is, after 27 years of this crap I couldn't care less anymore... and that's my protection.
Brilliant. Thank you, again, for giving us the words to describe this infuriatingly frustrating behavior. All of a sudden they want to act wonderful, and you're supposed to drop everything, just accept the lies, and forget the past ever happened.
It’s like magic this algorithm… Your video titles pop up right when I need them. We signed a peace treaty this Monday (4 days ago), 7 months after I discovered a very very painful infidelity that almost killed me. Ever since I discovered your channel, your voice has been the only reason to return to being calm and confident again. I made him pay a very high “price” for what he did to me. An “important consequence” as I heard in one of your videos. Now I Hope for the best but am prepared for the worst and will never ever suffer or drop a single tear for him or any other narcissist in my life. Thank you so much for your life, and for your time spent opening our eyes and mind to the danger we live in. God Bless You and fill you and your family with harmony and happiness and more success so you can help more and more people around the world that are feeling lost. I love your soul ❤️ Greetings from Mexico City 👋🏼
Congratulations. I’m happy for you and wish you happiness in life. That cheating and infidelity nearly killed me too as I ended up in hospital in emergency.😓 during 20 years of painful marriage he always hide every thing from me he was so cunning that I couldn’t ever figured out what he was doing behind my back. I’m alway in isolation with my kids and have no contact with anyone else except him. It’s been just 6 months when I came to knew about infedility and hidden marriage too. I m still stuck because he’s so much strong financially and socially that leaving him peacefully is impossible for me. He’s tracking my car and recording my 24 hours since my marriage and I even don’t know where he has hidden all those recorders and cameras. I just came to know recently about it as one day his phone was left open and he wasn’t there too. On top of everything he’s doing so much illegal stuff and never been caught. Im scared and there isn’t any safe exit with my kids. 😞
I also had the same..when I saw Dr.Ramani..the subjects came one after another of what I already thought about. And...watch Dr.Les Carter, on Surviving narcissm.. I wished they come together and than.....Dr.Les in his video told us , a lot of vieuwers wanted them to see them together. And they did!..I don't know the title but you can find that out😊. Maybe on surviving narcissm and Dr.Ramani.
@@SyedAbdulghanizaidi4772 and..wonderfull you wrote and ...and may God our Father and Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior and our Mother Mary give you Blessings. 🙏🙂🐾🐾.
After 8 YEARS the court is wanting mediation, he said he didn't want it, now he does, at least this is what his solicitors say.. and the only reason it can be is that he doesn't want to be exposed.
Same here. I requested for mediation 3 years ago. Now that we've gone through all the preliminary hearings and the case is about to go before a judge, and they will obviously lose, they want to do mediation.🙄 I feel forced into negotiations.
Been there. Twice. Mediation didn't work as he would not agree on anything that meant he had to be held accountable. The things he did agree on, he would skirt the agreement just enough to get away with another one of his 'gotcha' tricks; all the while telling others of the sacrifices he has made.
Went to mediation and my narc said the opposite of everything I said, then I agreed to those terms, then he changed his mind to the opposite 😂 the mediator was confused I was so happy to have a witness to the mess
It was her idea to see a therapist and on the way there she was telling me what to say and what not to say, "WHAT THE FU@K!" I didn't listen and said what was on my mind. The therapist knew I was telling the truth and she was the problem. We didn't go back because it didn't go her way 🤦 SMH.
Exactly the situation I had with my ex. He kept demanding couple’s counselling, instructed me to keep quiet, and then just dominated the hour with a tirade. The counsellor advised me to run away and get a divorce.
"We didn't go back because it didn't go her way" -- that's always how it happens. I had BOTH parents pull that crap -- separately, so I had to go through it twice. A mess.
My wife wouldn’t tell me what to say and what not to say with the couple counselors we went to, but she would always find excuses for not liking them whenever the sessions were pointing out the problems she was causing. “He’s focusing too much on helping you.” “She’s nodding off in the sessions.” “She asked me something and asked it again later on in the session. She’s not paying attention.”
Hi Dr R! You rock. You've saved my sanity with your teachings and generosity in sharing. Perhaps my heart will work correctly one day. Thank you! Thank you! Thankyou!
Healing is possible. Find a therapist you're comfortable opening up to , for me, finding that therapist hadn't always been easy. Don't give up ! I wish you well !!!
This recently happened to me with my toxic narc sibling at my mother’s memorial service. We were thrown together for a few days (I moved far away a long time ago) and they offered a “peace treaty”, but it was so obvious that there would be an immediate cost to me. I stayed in grey rock mode, set a boundary, and it enraged her. Yada, yada, yada. It is all bs, every word that comes out of their mouths. I am still recovering from having to spend days in her presence.
Thanks Dr. Ramani, excellent as always and so glad to see how you are thriving. You rock. I would add often religious expectations and norms (even religious communities/groups) are also deployed by narcissists to manipulate their targets for said "treaties".
This is 💯 my family, trying to make me hang out with the unrelenting unapologetic abusive narcissists in the family, despite the horrific things they’ve done to me. They say and do very hurtful things, then expect me to give them a hug and pretend nothings wrong. It’s so messed up I can barely be around my family anymore. It’s damaged me and my life so much. There are never consequences for their actions. I don’t trust them at all. I am pressured to ‘be forgiving’ despite them never apologizing. So done with it all. Prioritizing my well being. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
Same I just can’t deal with it anymore, I’ve literally gone awol from my parents, it’s sad because I’d love to spend time with my Dad, but my mother honestly makes me feel mentally unwell and messed up
I swear Dr. Ramani has met my narc abuser!! She describes him in every video to a T !! Thank God for her videos !! She helps me in my every day living to deal with this person that I live with!! It's funny how I found her by googling "why is my husband so cruel to me?" Dr Ramani is an angel 😇
In the workplace, a " Peace Treaty" w/HR is code for "we don't feel like dealing w/this" & is a win (HR/win(Narc)/lose (targets) tactic which often backfires on the targets.The narc will befriend HR to recruit as an ally by flashing their wound card. That gives the narc the perfect storm platform to amp up their game. If reported, the narc pulls his "see what I mean" card to HR & HR sees "OMG, you're right", we'll handle it from here.
Dr. Ramani is now also psychic 👁 Anyone else feel so✋️😂❤ Your timing is unbelievably perfect!! 👌 Thank you !🙏 I just spoke of this yesterday- how their nice tone on paper is inconguent with my experience(s) w/the narcissistic person (cruel, rageful, unfaithful, inconsistent, self righteous). The "nice" email gives me the freeze-response, because responding "as if" nothing happened feels like another form of gaslighting- and I'd even be gaslighting myself by going along with it. Therefore, i wont respond/engage to that either. I only respond to truth and authenticity. Doubt I will be gettong that anytime soon. I couldn't get it while in an intimate partnership, so why would i expect to get it now. As much as I'd like to feel on peaceful terms, my soul is at dis-ease going along with the delusional facade they need in order to fulfill their ego that they are Mr. Nice guy✌️ Peace Out more like! 😂 ✌️✌️✌️✌️🙏
As a survivor from the 1980’s, I love your channel. I am part of a support system for my niece who just got out of a narcissistic marriage. We watch you together and your wisdom is so appreciated. Thank you.
Yes!! My dads family intervened and tried to gaslight us into a peace treaty as a way of getting my sisters and I to attend his nieces’ wedding. Absolutely crazy and very hard to get out of even when you do recognize it for what it is!
Yep their peace offering is like they are doing you a favor, you have to accept right away or hell breaks loose again 🤣🤣 mine tried to talk to me after he discarded me for two years he got upset very quickly because I wasn’t too receptive.
Thank you…thank you.. I understand what’s happening! You are so amazing, right on target… this is playing out as you speak. What VISION 😮 I get it. I can’t be slaughtered anymore…😮
I’m all for peace when it’s justified. Mine certainly tried to remain some kind of “friend” with me at work even after the discard had happened. It took me a while, but eventually I saw that too for what it was and found acceptance that the only way to heal is to break it all off completely. So please don’t come back or try to. I want nothing to do with you anymore, no more silent treatments, no more being treated like a dog to the whistle when you want company, no more under your breath insults at me when you’ve had a few drinks. I saw the mask, and really liked the mask. But that’s all it was, a mask. Once I saw what you really, really thought of me, no thanks. No peace, but peace out ✌🏻
my mum the narc in my life is so like this as a teenager my mother bullied me into going to see a psychologist with her as she 'wanted to work on our relationship' if I didn't agree I didn't care in reality I knew it was a trap that I would go along and spill my guts and that she would make out she was mother Theresa to the psychologist hoping or expecting them to tell me I was the problem. I finally agreed to it to stop the drama she chose the psychologist and it went as I anticipated including her physically, emotionally and verbally beating me up between appointments over what I had said. However, there was one script change neither of us saw coming and that was that everyone of them stood up for me. Why do I say everyone of them because the moment they went off script and stood up for me we would be off to a new psychologist. Which I did find a bit amusing. However a large part of the reason my narc mother was in my life for so long was because of the pressure the family put on me to be nice to her, to work it out with her etc. I was and am the svapegoat so you can imagine the hell that was.
listening to Dr Ramani explaining the exact experiences I am having does help not to feel like the one who‘s insane. The third party in my case was a whole bunch of people from the legal system and the hell I am going through because I asked for protection and help is almost worse than the hell I went through with a narcissistic partner.
This is exactly where i am with n. today, it’s what he’s doing and her explanation at 4:30 in video is exactly what is happening in our home. Thank you soooo much, Dr Ramani for helping me, once again, understand what is going on here. I can’t tell you how grateful i am!!!
Great clip - thank you! To bridge the gap between consciousness and unconsciousness (past and present, psychology and spirituality, I and thou) with fewer defenses (friction), consider this - competition and cooperation are not mutually exclusive, but form a continuum requiring balance. The human condition requires us to do both at the same time, usually utterly unaware of this reality. If we ask the question (of ourselves and then each other) in every situation, we would find common ground if not precise agreement. After all, regardless of why, assholery consists of competing and/or cooperating dysfunctionally, unconscious of the balance. This is why defenses come up when behavior and beliefs are challenged. It usually doesn't work to moralize about unconscious processes, challenging the shadow directly. Balancing cooperation and competition overtly can be done from the present moment, in the present situation, the present relationship. It ain't that hard and is much cheaper than psychoanalysis. We can have that conversation to clarify our needs and intentions.
Not just by my mom, but by the "but that's your mom!" type of people. I'm so tired of opening up to people about all the things my mom has done to me just to get that response. I was arguing with my mom once, and one of the people nearby forced me to apologize to her in public. There have been other instances of this. It's so humiliating. It's making me start to keep to myself.
YES, YES, YES! Other people that don't understand mental and emotional abuse, and think I must be the problem because he's so charming, or incorrectly assuming that the problem is that we just can't get along.
They're called 'flying monkeys'. People the narc has gathered on their side against you. A narc is an expert manipulator at making people think a certain way. Including about YOU. It's infuriating.
"How empty of me to be so full of you"....All of these offerings happened and I have to remember that all this 'treaty posturing' in the NPD is just theatre. Thank you for ALL your work as reminders.
Yes, it’s healthy to accept the reality that the. abuse is the real indicator of the type of unreciprocal relationship it is. In the case of family or if kids involved(situations where you can’t or choose not to go no contact for life), it’s important to remind ourselves that these are not relationships based on love and trust and should be treated as such. It was only ever a transactional relationship, so accepting this helps us treat it as such and only “transact” as much as we care to moving forward. Family should be a trusting, loving community, but once we accept that it’s not in our case, we can start to shift to finding fulfilling communities elsewhere and not expect anything from toxic people who never acknowledge or change their behavior/words.
I have a narcissistic neighbour who ignored me when I asked her to turn her music down (and her sons). The bass was so loud our walls would vibrate/with ongoing rap music all day. Lasted for about 6 years until I finally gave her a warning that we will take it further to the police. In our state the police can pretty much only give warnings and if the music is turned down that day then the issue is resolved. It's a day to day issue too so they can not prosecute from issues that happened days before etc. We called the police on numerous occasions until our neighbour sent us a mediation letter! Such a slap in the face as if we were the ones in the wrong! Mediator was as you say very unbiased and did not pick sides. However we chose to mediate in private which I think was the most effective as the narc was unable to feed off our suffering. Mediator pretty much saw through her manipulation and told then it needs to stop! We also put up security cameras around our house and all of a sudden no music?!!! 🎉
I learned a hard lesson from the narcissists in my life. I do not forgive anyone who hurts me. I just learned not to put myself in the line of fire. Self preservation kicked in and I distance myself. I eventually let it go but never let them have an opportunity to hurt me again.
When I first floated the idea of separation, my ex said “I’m miserable in this relationship too, but I would’ve stayed forever for the sake of appearance and financial stability.”
“My to-be ex-wife has drawn so many of the excuse cards. “I’m having dreams about us again.” “I dreamed we rededicated our vows.” “I dreamed about us having s3x together.” “We were supposed to be together forever.” “I wish I had started getting counseling a lot earlier.” “I don’t want to believe [AP] is my soulmate anymore.” “I told [AP] to stop touching me, and I’ll go to HR if he keeps doing it.” “I’m going to look for a new job so I’m not around [AP] anymore.” “I always hated my [AP].”
I recently spotted a vulnerable narc in my friend circle. She made a “peace” by retreating into her idle “I don’t bother, I don’t care “safe” space.” That happened after I set some Ethical boundaries, after she had gaslighted me for a while, saying things like “nobody has to respect your boundaries.” In response I answered very confidently, noting that if there is someone going to cross the basic boundaries of decency - I will make them respect it, hinting that I’m fully capable of doing what I said. So, the v.n-s are actually responding to confidence. That was a sufficient reason for her to hide for a while in all senses of that “hiding,” which is a manipulative pretense, really. The gaslighting and belittling had stopped just for a while… That was the “peace” period, lol. After some time it reappeared again. But of course! So, this second time - I went the full Carl Jung and Sigmund Freud onto her and closed the door shut in the end. I’m not going to associate with that person anymore. I made it very clear.
Pseudo peace treaty!!! 😂! Dr Ramani thank YOU! Another very accurate observation! Spot on! Thank YOU! Keep shining 🌟 and keep flying high! I wish you much success 🙏
You are so right with the peace treaty. I lived through that. Then had it thrown in my face maybe so and so would be better for you from like 30 years ago 😂 he was always Mr nice guy when he had an agenda
I've dealt with two of these situations, one professional and one personal. The professional was my boss, who got worse over the past 4 years due to jealousy and who knows what else. I was ready to quit and a co-worker said something to our boss. Boss apologized and gave us "this is a reminder of how awesome you are" mugs as a peace treaty. I called it a "I am sorry for being a jerk" gift. However, she was quickly back at her old games a week or two later. Thankfully my boss has retired and I am stepping up into her position and have learned how I will and will not function in that same role. The personal is my marriage and it took me finally saying that I would not spend time with my in-laws unless there were other, safe people there for me to interact with. My spouse finally got the hint and I haven't attended an immediate family get together in quite some time. I don't miss the drama! Thank you for this!
Mine forced me to have to interact at my grandmother's internment, knowing that I have chosen to be no contact. She blatantly announced it before she and it, too. "I'm going to force it. It's what I do!" loudly with a smirk. Her way of going, " See!? I'm trying, and SHE is the one who is the problem." My aunt stepped between us later and blocked her from starting shit with me, allowing me time to move away. Just before we left, she caused a scene a second time, yelling at me and stalking after me as I left without saying goodbye to her. Then she gave me a disgusted, "Oh,that's so SAD!" after I finally stopped and responded to her, telling her I didn't want to hug her. I agreed and told her to think more about why that is and then left.
Yes, couples’ therapist never see this trick. They yell at victims and accuse them of being difficult. They never see that it is only till the compliment/desired titles, that the narcissist returns to their usual
The majority of couples therapy in this country is based on outdated and thoroughly debunked theories that are based more on the Christian Bible than actual scientific research.
Yes, I have experienced it with my friend's and their SO and family. I am currently forced into peace treaty by a friend and I don't know if I can be with friends because I can't say anything at very obvious suffering from their end wrapped in nah-nah, it's all good. It hurts to witness these things knowing you will never be heard because they fully believe you are at fault and should be a bigger person. Probably if the person never had experience they can stand aside, but those who have? Tricky situation.
Yessss my narc brother is begging me to make peace with him and my narc mom, he wants to be the one who brought the family back together, in his dreams....
Ooou spot on. Goodness it feels good to have this experience be put into words. .y oartber left me because he sensed i was getting ready to leave him. He was gone for a month and when i asked him to come back becasue he agreed to some changes to work on. He bought me flowers twice, and stopped saying some of the harsh put downs but still very much belittling me, conoaring me to other women, etc. He has been getting mad saying i am minimumlizing his gestures, and i needed to turn a new leaf snd forget what happened before he left. But what happened before he left has a huge role in why we are here now. He wanted me to just forget and constantly stated he changed and i was being difficult and indifferent. I couldnt sweep things unfer the rug because i havent healed from them. So he throws in my face he cant please me and feel hes done everything he could and how i havent changed nothing. It digs at me. And paralyzes me to feel stuck once more trying to prove im not a bad person.
Oh, yeah, like being diligent and having the knowledge is a virtue, even though, whatever they do to 'fix' anything is performative and out of self-righteousness.❤
My narcissistic mother once told me while crying, "How do I wave the white flag. You win. I'm tired of all this." I told her simple stop stealing from me and stop disrespecting me & criticizing me. She said, "I don't do those things, but I will try to be good." I said, "OK." The next day or two, she went right back to her old habits. Back then, I didn't know anything about narcissism. I wished I had!
My problem is my 40 year old daughter has been triangulating between me and my mother since she was a teenager. When I try to set boundaries with her she runs to my mother who bails her out financially and takes care of all of her responsibilities filling out paperwork, filing her taxes, paying her phone bill, giving her money because my 80 year old mother feels responsible for some reason. She is her only grandchild so I don’t think my mother can stop helping her which makes me look like the bad guy when I do not help her. I recently sent my mother one of your videos on adult narcissistic children to try and get her to see that she is not helping! Honestly I don’t think this will ever end. 😕
My spouse and his oldest daughter seem to be complicit in their entitlement to bully the other siblings and me. The most recent peace move is my husband getting our son employed in his shop. They have had a volatile relationship. He seems to be working at. As soon as he went to this shop my daughter and SIL came around the shop saying dad needs to move up. He has burned enough bridges.
Dr. Ramani you’re awesome!!! I’ve been listening to you for sometime now. I’ve been dealing with my Narc wife over 25 years. She divorced me after I caught her in two different affairs. I allowed her back in my life for the sake of our children and because all I ever wanted was my family with her. Big mistake!!! I’m learning through your videos how to cope with her. God Bless you and thank you 🙏🏾🙌🏾
Wow… this really sums it all up. I’m worried about my friends borderline behaviors and how to help here but this is years and years of abuse on her part. On another note as far as I’m concerned for my mental health I can’t just waltz in from treatment/ rehab and think everyone else is going to play ball on big ticket stuff and then I throw my little tantrum. BINGO. You blow my mind Dr Rams.
The supply. He just ate up all the bs about me. Became a toxic sounding board for all the lies my narc would tell him. He conveniently left out his own drinking problems and how that caused all the problems in the relationship
I don't forgive anybody for abusing me. I forgive myself for not realizing what was happening until it was too late.
Thank you for this. I've cut off from my family of origin and my in-laws for not supporting me through my long marriage to a grandiose malignant narc. I'm grieving for the loss of dreams and myself. No contact with the narc and all his enablers and those who contributed through abuse in making me vulnerable to the narc
@@ArchAngel435SAME HERE. F them for taking everything good & turning it to shit. And the therapists who didn’t have the ballz to stay true to the goal of supporting me during the family sessions/mtgs. I’ve been there before and why I hesitate to do family therapy. The charisma, ego, or confidence of the narcissistic enmeshed family members is so MANIPULATIVE that it feels like steps backwards in the individual work I’ve done. Very damaging. F that. But now what?! 🤷🏻♀️
No apologies for narcissist.
I’ve been examining my selective forgiveness of others for abuses.. for instance, the more I know re: their own wounds, the more I tend to forgive. (Doesn’t have to entail continued contact.) It can help somewhat in forgiveness of oneself.
Well said. I agree.
Narc's treaties aren't compromises, but requests for additional sacrifice from their "loved ones".
and maybe there's not a treaty cause they don't think they fired a shot..thanks doc! Great vid.Rob
So very true
Oooh, that's great clarification. Thanks!
Exactly. You don't sacrifice for your loved ones. Taking care of them is an honour when love is real. Narc love is fawning.
They always have an agenda. They want to get along with you again because they have something to gain.
Treaty is a good word. Everything with a narcissist is transactional. And of course, the narcissist sets the terms.
Of course! They set the terms, and they change them without telling anyone. The game is rigged. We must walk away.
Exactly. Looking back at photos of a younger me standing on the sidelines of transactional events with narcissists still hurts.
"I do for you so you do for me" said every person that did absolutely nothing for me but expected me to do so for them under threat and emotional coercion.
@@Alison-o9dI destroyed all the photos that we had over the course of twenty five year marriage. Even before I knew he was a narc. He got the message and moved on, far easier to hook up with his former divorce client than make real changes to his behavior. They never change
My dad told me my whole life that “all relationships are transactional.”
My narc husband would always want us to ‘push the reset button’ and he would suddenly think everything was ok again
Oh definitely. My ex-wife bought new wedding rings after she let me know she had been cheating. Only told me because she thought she caught something. Also got a PS4. But she wanted to reset and forget any of that happened
That's Control with a capital C. Think about it. That way he controls everything including what you feel or think about things.
It’s always easier for outsiders to allow the narcissist to be a jerk. So they try to get the nice one to give in.
Enablers are shit. More than the narc 😮
You bear the abuse so they can feel good about themselves for some reason. Just like the people who don't want others to have pain medicine. They say you're not in that much pain because they feel fine so what's your problem? They puff their chest out placing heavy burdens on others that they won't lift a finger themselves. They deserve it for a much less severe problem but in NO situation should you ever receive any. One "good" reason for you to not get any medicine is severe pain makes it harder to think and have energy for life. That makes you easier to manipulate. The manipulation is for your own good. They know! They know all things! All the flying monkeys agree!
That’s exactly my past experience. My ex used to say “why are you dwelling on the past?” Maybe because you’re repeating it in the present. They’re not sincere about anything but being fake
I have seen that sooo many times before.
It's just a cheap tactic they use to try and sidestep accountability. My ex would always time things well enough that she could drop the bomb very suddenly and leave before the dust had a chance to settle in order to avoid having to answer for herself. Then she'd show up a couple of years later when I was feeling much better in myself and therefore far less likely to bring up the past. If I ever did question anything then she'd either come back with the same response you quoted, or she'd claim to not remember.
Selective amnesia is another of their goto responses. And if that isn't enough to make you back down then they might decide to reveal some of the things that they purposely hid from you all those years ago or come out with a real or made up counter-claim aimed at distracting you and putting you off-kilter. The 'SURPRISE' Grenade! Whenever you try to clear anything up with them, every question answered begs another bloody question.
That is a good one isn't it? They sure use that one well.
Every time they offer you a little treaty, they expect that you invest into them and the relationship with full force. They offer you breadcrumbs and expect in return a whole 7 course menu. Its all transactional and you can not win.
Dude😂 I don't even get it sometimes. It's unbelievable
7 courses of breadcrumbs...
I dont want anything fixed with a Narc, they better stay the hell away.
Amen.
Amen...
You got that right! LOL
For real!!!
Amen.
Yes!! It's like Beauty and the Beast. He holds her as prisoner and then invites her for dinner. She refuses and he yells at her to go ahead and starve. This is exactly what my brother does. He's so toxic, and then he'll appear friendly towards me in public or behind my back and people judge me for not warming up to him. 🤦♀️
In therapy, "You havent even noticed how I don't yell at you anymore! Why don't you recognize how much I've changed!" Uh, thank you for not yelling at me?
It is an improvement. Do you validate it and tell them how you feel that it is still hurtful behavior even if their voice is not raised? Therapists are too often passive agressive to the detriment of the person getting help.
They have issues, you are supposed to be the healed person. If you don't want to do the work, don't do it.
@@goldbrick2563 Thank you for ruinging my safe space to vent. Now, I'm on the defensive.
Of course, I lauded and exalted them for not yelling at me. They got more access to me, and all the benefits of not being an asshole. However, in hindsight, it's hard not to say to yourself, "am I really thanking them for not hitting/screaming/emotionally abusing me?"
That's a hard reality check. Once I hoped I could vent about here.
@@SafetyStrips to help them effectively, the therapist has to express their feelings about the behavior. Express all of it. If you hold back, the individual doesn't learn. Express the disdain tactfully. The person doesnt know or maybe they do but to be told by someone they trust and think is on their side, the message gets through and their behavior improves little by little. If my comment ruins your safe space, maybe toughen up because everyone here is focused on healing. Thick skin is therapist necessity. Sorry if i am brusque. My therapist doesnt say enough and gets passive aggressive. Its not helpful and i'm about to leave. I think she is overworked and loses patience. It's a tough job, I applaud you for doing it and trying to make the world a better place.
@@goldbrick2563 Take your issues to your therapist and don't project them onto internet strangers.
It is not about not being able to accept apologies. It is that you are not interested in having him in your life. It is about boundaries.
Just because the narcisist wants to get the slate clean and go on abusing you, does not mean you have to have anything to do with them if you don’t want to. And I don’t want to. They have caused enough damage in my life and I don’t want to have anything to do with them. I forgive them but want them to stay away from me!
Bingo! You get the prize!
Same. Hard to do with family but I'm working on it. You are wise to keep them out of your life. Best of luck! rose
Could not agree more
I know how you feel. Because that is how I feel. I forgive I just don't want to be with him anymore
I forgave her years ago in my mid twenties without really knowing exactly what it was that I was forgiving. It enabled me to move on and completely reinvent myself and transform my life. But years later when she came back and things appeared to be very different from before I eventually let her back in and went through the same turmoil all over again. In my forties by the time it came to a terrible halt and she managed to waltz out of my life and avoid having to take accountability, like the slippery shit she is, and it would be a year before I knew she was narcissistic, but not before I'd exhausted every other line of enquiry including attachment styles and mental health issues. I actually discovered my mother was narcissistic first (and later my best friend too), which delayed the discovery that my ex was a covert narc, but helped confirm it.
It took a lot of massive life changes to get myself out of the funk I was in the last time, but this time it feels so much harder because I know what it was and that it was abuse. I have to learn to accept that I allowed much of it to happen, but I also realised how an event very early on in our first relationship in which she convinced me I'd cheated on her, created the foundations for a relationship dynamic in which I believed that I was the untrustworthy party and therefore what reason could I have to not trust her. And in the years that followed we never ever had a proper argument for one reason or another, crazy no?
To say if was fucked up is putting it lightly. I don't have the time or resources to transform my life a second time, plus the motivation isn't there. The things I try and do to lift myself don't seem to work and the sense of injustice and the need to put things right is overwhelming. I don't want her back, but by God I really want to let her know exactly what she's done and to tear up her make believe narrative before shutting the door on her forever.
Dealing with a narc is like dealing with someone like Vladimir Putin or Adolph Hitler. Appeasement only gets more conflict in the long run. Compromise is considered weakness and permission by them.
After 45 years I can count on one hand the amount of apologises I got. I have left and in the distribution of assets he did change his attitude for one day but as soon as all was not in his control again he went immediately back to the sulking and grunting and silent treatment. So glad to be out. So much happier.
All the narc has to do is transform their behavior instead of covering it up with “nice gestures” i.e. smearing the situation they’ve caused with sh*t.
Like poop
A.k.a. Learn ...but narcs don't do that, they learn to manipulate you differently
They can’t
And those nice gestures are predictable after awhile and really come across as even more fake , because that is their way to say they are sorry , because they never do .
And all we have to do is to start saying NO!
Once the arguments over, the narcissist goes on with their life.
It’s like they have a little etch-a-sketch that can just erase any wrongdoings for them.
That’s convenient.
I called it their magic slate. His favorite saying was, "That's in the past," "The lie, incident, word salad or abusive act could have been 2 min ago, the day before or just part of the constant and consistent way the narcissist blows hot and cold and hypocritical, coersion and bs scrambles, DARVOs every encounter , to include collusion and coersion and brute force and triangulation all in a 5 min span is amazing to step back and watch once you realize what is actually going on.
Excellent analogy!
Yes! Must be so nice for them.
Mine uses our daughter as a pawn to always come back . Always minimizing what he does . My feelings/emotions are never valid .
And the mind fuck with that is crazy making! @@LaMandona1
They’re looking for a temporary fix…to get back into your good graces….they are like a rubberband….they can stretch ( as in stretch the truth)….but they willALWAYS return to the same shape..
True. Great comment. Rubberband yes
❤❤❤
Bringing me coffee in the morning...I ALWAYS know...he's either done something despicable, or he wants something, like $$$ or to use my car.
Or he's put something detrimental in the coffer... more common than you think
My narc husband never makes me a coffee or anything, but I’m expected to make him one. I worry, and I’d say it’s justified, that he might put something in whatever foods or drinks I have….its awful thinking like this but they’re capable of anything 😖
My granddaughter tried to get me to rescue her mother yet again in a ridiculous situation that I have stepped away from completely. Now my granddaughter who used to talk to me, is angry with me. Her mother has done a great job of isolating. The last family member, who had anything to do with me from me. It’s amazing how clearly you see their manipulations once you have the facts and have a accomplished radical acceptance. I’m 75 and I guess I’ll live the rest of my life without family. This is not what I had hoped for. I’ve always done my best to be the best mother to them possible. But you can’t change someone’s personality and I have stopped trying.
My heart goes out to you,, That must be an excruciating experience for you,,
I wish you strength and serenity in your journey 💖💐💐
Signed,
Daughter of a narcissistic mother
@@jullietmburu9672 thank you for your kind reply. My mother was a narcissist who was also bipolar and obsessive compulsive. I feel so lucky that this horrible personality type has bypassed me, but I so wish my daughters had not been afflicted with narcissism.❤
Wow, same here! I've barely stayed sane with their gaslighting and devious b.s.. I'm 77 -- we got this! 😂❤
It is a no-win situation. I have been going through Parent Alienation for the last 18 years in regard to my oldest daughter. It is collateral damage after going a divorce with her narcissist mother. My home is peaceful with no drama. My plan is to keep it that way.
@@rcomyns4664 thank you so much for your reply. Sometimes I think I’m the only older person without family. Holidays are the hardest.❤
This is insightful and affirming. My parents are emotionally immature, narcissistic and they preserved their toxic marriage since I was a child and throughout the course of my younger siblings’ lives. My siblings and I survived their dysfunction, chaos and superficiality, but it’s apparent that those experiences negatively affected us. I was branded as “disrespectful” when I had the courage to confront my father some years ago. It’s a relief to learn that distancing myself from and challenging the insincere, shallow peace pact that my parents created doesn’t make me the family villain.
Oh my gosh, this is EXACTLY what I'm going through right now!!! I watch you every single day to remind myself of why I walked away a month ago and changed my number, blocked his family and will not respond to his barrage of "poor me- you never loved me" messages. (From prison!!!)
LOL, can't stop laughing. This is word-for-word what just happened in my "marriage". Problem for my spouse is, after 27 years of this crap I couldn't care less anymore... and that's my protection.
23 years. I don’t give a shit anymore either. I’m gonna play this MFer
Brilliant. Thank you, again, for giving us the words to describe this infuriatingly frustrating behavior. All of a sudden they want to act wonderful, and you're supposed to drop everything, just accept the lies, and forget the past ever happened.
It’s like magic this algorithm… Your video titles pop up right when I need them.
We signed a peace treaty this Monday (4 days ago), 7 months after I discovered a very very painful infidelity that almost killed me.
Ever since I discovered your channel, your voice has been the only reason to return to being calm and confident again.
I made him pay a very high “price” for what he did to me. An “important consequence” as I heard in one of your videos.
Now I Hope for the best but am prepared for the worst and will never ever suffer or drop a single tear for him or any other narcissist in my life.
Thank you so much for your life, and for your time spent opening our eyes and mind to the danger we live in.
God Bless You and fill you and your family with harmony and happiness and more success so you can help more and more people around the world that are feeling lost.
I love your soul ❤️
Greetings from Mexico City 👋🏼
Congratulations. I’m happy for you and wish you happiness in life. That cheating and infidelity nearly killed me too as I ended up in hospital in emergency.😓 during 20 years of painful marriage he always hide every thing from me he was so cunning that I couldn’t ever figured out what he was doing behind my back. I’m alway in isolation with my kids and have no contact with anyone else except him. It’s been just 6 months when I came to knew about infedility and hidden marriage too. I m still stuck because he’s so much strong financially and socially that leaving him peacefully is impossible for me. He’s tracking my car and recording my 24 hours since my marriage and I even don’t know where he has hidden all those recorders and cameras. I just came to know recently about it as one day his phone was left open and he wasn’t there too. On top of everything he’s doing so much illegal stuff and never been caught. Im scared and there isn’t any safe exit with my kids. 😞
I also had the same..when I saw Dr.Ramani..the subjects came one after another of what I already thought about. And...watch Dr.Les Carter, on Surviving narcissm..
I wished they come together and than.....Dr.Les in his video told us , a lot of vieuwers wanted them to see them together. And they did!..I don't know the title but you can find that out😊. Maybe on surviving narcissm and Dr.Ramani.
@@Snezanahoh thank you so much. I surely will watch that video.stay blessed
@@SyedAbdulghanizaidi4772 and..wonderfull you wrote and ...and may God our Father and Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior and our Mother Mary give you Blessings. 🙏🙂🐾🐾.
"Too little, too late" ❤
I cannot tell you how many times I've cooperated to have peace, or give peace. I need these TH-cam segments .
Thank you❤ watching your videos from Serbia!
As soon as he needed something from me, he played nice.
After 8 YEARS the court is wanting mediation, he said he didn't want it, now he does, at least this is what his solicitors say.. and the only reason it can be is that he doesn't want to be exposed.
Same here. I requested for mediation 3 years ago. Now that we've gone through all the preliminary hearings and the case is about to go before a judge, and they will obviously lose, they want to do mediation.🙄 I feel forced into negotiations.
Well if they're suddenly wanting mediation something scared them. There must be some fear of a loss😂
Been there. Twice. Mediation didn't work as he would not agree on anything that meant he had to be held accountable. The things he did agree on, he would skirt the agreement just enough to get away with another one of his 'gotcha' tricks; all the while telling others of the sacrifices he has made.
Went to mediation and my narc said the opposite of everything I said, then I agreed to those terms, then he changed his mind to the opposite 😂 the mediator was confused I was so happy to have a witness to the mess
@@PrettyLola-mm4uxWOW - this is a classic for the mediation books.
I just had the most horrendous experience with my narcissistic abuser and it feels like you made this video for me. Thank you so much
It was her idea to see a therapist and on the way there she was telling me what to say and what not to say, "WHAT THE FU@K!" I didn't listen and said what was on my mind. The therapist knew I was telling the truth and she was the problem. We didn't go back because it didn't go her way 🤦 SMH.
Exactly the situation I had with my ex. He kept demanding couple’s counselling, instructed me to keep quiet, and then just dominated the hour with a tirade.
The counsellor advised me to run away and get a divorce.
Yes they are innocence shows in front of counselors, lawyers, etc..
"We didn't go back because it didn't go her way" -- that's always how it happens. I had BOTH parents pull that crap -- separately, so I had to go through it twice. A mess.
My wife wouldn’t tell me what to say and what not to say with the couple counselors we went to, but she would always find excuses for not liking them whenever the sessions were pointing out the problems she was causing. “He’s focusing too much on helping you.” “She’s nodding off in the sessions.” “She asked me something and asked it again later on in the session. She’s not paying attention.”
Hi Dr R! You rock. You've saved my sanity with your teachings and generosity in sharing. Perhaps my heart will work correctly one day. Thank you! Thank you! Thankyou!
Healing is possible. Find a therapist you're comfortable opening up to , for me, finding that therapist hadn't always been easy. Don't give up ! I wish you well !!!
This recently happened to me with my toxic narc sibling at my mother’s memorial service. We were thrown together for a few days (I moved far away a long time ago) and they offered a “peace treaty”, but it was so obvious that there would be an immediate cost to me. I stayed in grey rock mode, set a boundary, and it enraged her. Yada, yada, yada. It is all bs, every word that comes out of their mouths. I am still recovering from having to spend days in her presence.
Thank you for all you do! ❤
Omg Dr Ramani, you just described my narcissistic sister who is "love bombing me."
The narcissist enabler was the one who tried to engage me back into the family dynamic with gestures of fake kindness. It didn't work.
They dont understand that love cant be bought
Same with me, forcing me to go to therapy under their terms. I said no. I am already in therapy.
Thanks Dr. Ramani, excellent as always and so glad to see how you are thriving. You rock. I would add often religious expectations and norms (even religious communities/groups) are also deployed by narcissists to manipulate their targets for said "treaties".
This is 💯 my family, trying to make me hang out with the unrelenting unapologetic abusive narcissists in the family, despite the horrific things they’ve done to me. They say and do very hurtful things, then expect me to give them a hug and pretend nothings wrong. It’s so messed up I can barely be around my family anymore. It’s damaged me and my life so much. There are never consequences for their actions. I don’t trust them at all. I am pressured to ‘be forgiving’ despite them never apologizing. So done with it all. Prioritizing my well being. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
Same I just can’t deal with it anymore, I’ve literally gone awol from my parents, it’s sad because I’d love to spend time with my Dad, but my mother honestly makes me feel mentally unwell and messed up
I swear Dr. Ramani has met my narc abuser!! She describes him in every video to a T !! Thank God for her videos !! She helps me in my every day living to deal with this person that I live with!! It's funny how I found her by googling "why is my husband so cruel to me?" Dr Ramani is an angel 😇
In the workplace, a
" Peace Treaty" w/HR is code for "we don't feel like dealing w/this" & is a win (HR/win(Narc)/lose (targets) tactic which often backfires on the targets.The narc will befriend HR to recruit as an ally by flashing their wound card. That gives the narc the perfect storm platform to amp up their game. If reported, the narc pulls his "see what I mean" card to HR & HR sees "OMG, you're right", we'll handle it from here.
Dr. Ramani is now also psychic 👁 Anyone else feel so✋️😂❤ Your timing is unbelievably perfect!! 👌 Thank you !🙏 I just spoke of this yesterday- how their nice tone on paper is inconguent with my experience(s) w/the narcissistic person (cruel, rageful, unfaithful, inconsistent, self righteous). The "nice" email gives me the freeze-response, because responding "as if" nothing happened feels like another form of gaslighting- and I'd even be gaslighting myself by going along with it. Therefore, i wont respond/engage to that either. I only respond to truth and authenticity. Doubt I will be gettong that anytime soon. I couldn't get it while in an intimate partnership, so why would i expect to get it now.
As much as I'd like to feel on peaceful terms, my soul is at dis-ease going along with the delusional facade they need in order to fulfill their ego that they are Mr. Nice guy✌️ Peace Out more like! 😂 ✌️✌️✌️✌️🙏
As a survivor from the 1980’s, I love your channel. I am part of a support system for my niece who just got out of a narcissistic marriage. We watch you together and your wisdom is so appreciated. Thank you.
Yes!! My dads family intervened and tried to gaslight us into a peace treaty as a way of getting my sisters and I to attend his nieces’ wedding. Absolutely crazy and very hard to get out of even when you do recognize it for what it is!
Thank you for taking up this topic ❤️
Yep their peace offering is like they are doing you a favor, you have to accept right away or hell breaks loose again 🤣🤣 mine tried to talk to me after he discarded me for two years he got upset very quickly because I wasn’t too receptive.
Thank You So Much Dr. Ramani!!! Everything That You Have Said Is So Very True!!! So Smart!!! I Appreciate You So Much and Everything You Do!!!🎉❣️
The court fucks up everything.
This. They allow the abuse and because they think everyone should be capable of 'playing nice'; the game keeps on getting played. Over and over again.
The American courts?
Thank you…thank you.. I understand what’s happening! You are so amazing, right on target… this is playing out as you speak. What VISION 😮 I get it. I can’t be slaughtered anymore…😮
I’m all for peace when it’s justified. Mine certainly tried to remain some kind of “friend” with me at work even after the discard had happened. It took me a while, but eventually I saw that too for what it was and found acceptance that the only way to heal is to break it all off completely. So please don’t come back or try to. I want nothing to do with you anymore, no more silent treatments, no more being treated like a dog to the whistle when you want company, no more under your breath insults at me when you’ve had a few drinks. I saw the mask, and really liked the mask. But that’s all it was, a mask. Once I saw what you really, really thought of me, no thanks. No peace, but peace out ✌🏻
my mum the narc in my life is so like this as a teenager my mother bullied me into going to see a psychologist with her as she 'wanted to work on our relationship' if I didn't agree I didn't care in reality I knew it was a trap that I would go along and spill my guts and that she would make out she was mother Theresa to the psychologist hoping or expecting them to tell me I was the problem. I finally agreed to it to stop the drama she chose the psychologist and it went as I anticipated including her physically, emotionally and verbally beating me up between appointments over what I had said. However, there was one script change neither of us saw coming and that was that everyone of them stood up for me. Why do I say everyone of them because the moment they went off script and stood up for me we would be off to a new psychologist. Which I did find a bit amusing. However a large part of the reason my narc mother was in my life for so long was because of the pressure the family put on me to be nice to her, to work it out with her etc. I was and am the svapegoat so you can imagine the hell that was.
Absolutely not. I will never relent. That person is done in my life forever. I stand firm in my truth & authenticity.
listening to Dr Ramani explaining the exact experiences I am having does help not to feel like the one who‘s insane.
The third party in my case was a whole bunch of people from the legal system and the hell I am going through because I asked for protection and help is almost worse than the hell I went through with a narcissistic partner.
This is exactly where i am with n. today, it’s what he’s doing and her explanation at 4:30 in video is exactly what is happening in our home. Thank you soooo much, Dr Ramani for helping me, once again, understand what is going on here. I can’t tell you how grateful i am!!!
Yup!! It happened to me...more than once. And every time hell would break loose when I say No to them
it's a treaty they will break when it's convenient to them.
Great clip - thank you! To bridge the gap between consciousness and unconsciousness (past and present, psychology and spirituality, I and thou) with fewer defenses (friction), consider this - competition and cooperation are not mutually exclusive, but form a continuum requiring balance. The human condition requires us to do both at the same time, usually utterly unaware of this reality. If we ask the question (of ourselves and then each other) in every situation, we would find common ground if not precise agreement. After all, regardless of why, assholery consists of competing and/or cooperating dysfunctionally, unconscious of the balance. This is why defenses come up when behavior and beliefs are challenged. It usually doesn't work to moralize about unconscious processes, challenging the shadow directly. Balancing cooperation and competition overtly can be done from the present moment, in the present situation, the present relationship. It ain't that hard and is much cheaper than psychoanalysis. We can have that conversation to clarify our needs and intentions.
Not just by my mom, but by the "but that's your mom!" type of people. I'm so tired of opening up to people about all the things my mom has done to me just to get that response.
I was arguing with my mom once, and one of the people nearby forced me to apologize to her in public. There have been other instances of this. It's so humiliating. It's making me start to keep to myself.
Sickening…..WE don’t owe our parents anything….respect is a two way street.
Dealing with the same crap
@@SusanKornhauserit's a very isolating experience. I'm still trying to get away from her and all of her flying monkeys. I wish you the best as well!
YES, YES, YES! Other people that don't understand mental and emotional abuse, and think I must be the problem because he's so charming, or incorrectly assuming that the problem is that we just can't
get along.
They're called 'flying monkeys'. People the narc has gathered on their side against you. A narc is an expert manipulator at making people think a certain way. Including about YOU. It's infuriating.
Omg!!! This happened this week
Well timed video…Thank you Dr😊 !
Exactly! And it is so obvious, and people still tolerate it.
"How empty of me to be so full of you"....All of these offerings happened and I have to remember that all this 'treaty posturing' in the NPD is just theatre. Thank you for ALL your work as reminders.
Yes, it’s healthy to accept the reality that the. abuse is the real indicator of the type of unreciprocal relationship it is. In the case of family or if kids involved(situations where you can’t or choose not to go no contact for life), it’s important to remind ourselves that these are not relationships based on love and trust and should be treated as such. It was only ever a transactional relationship, so accepting this helps us treat it as such and only “transact” as much as we care to moving forward. Family should be a trusting, loving community, but once we accept that it’s not in our case, we can start to shift to finding fulfilling communities elsewhere and not expect anything from toxic people who never acknowledge or change their behavior/words.
I have a narcissistic neighbour who ignored me when I asked her to turn her music down (and her sons). The bass was so loud our walls would vibrate/with ongoing rap music all day. Lasted for about 6 years until I finally gave her a warning that we will take it further to the police. In our state the police can pretty much only give warnings and if the music is turned down that day then the issue is resolved. It's a day to day issue too so they can not prosecute from issues that happened days before etc. We called the police on numerous occasions until our neighbour sent us a mediation letter! Such a slap in the face as if we were the ones in the wrong! Mediator was as you say very unbiased and did not pick sides. However we chose to mediate in private which I think was the most effective as the narc was unable to feed off our suffering. Mediator pretty much saw through her manipulation and told then it needs to stop! We also put up security cameras around our house and all of a sudden no music?!!! 🎉
❤❤❤❤I am so thankful for you!
People sticking their nose in my business in dealing with a narcissist is quite abusive. Not helpful at all... They don't get it.
I just downloaded "it's not you" on audible. I can't wait to listen to it
Thid is soo true! And so well explained , thank you again, dr. Ramani !
Again YOU ARE THE BEST. Thank you for giving me my LIFE back.
I learned a hard lesson from the narcissists in my life. I do not forgive anyone who hurts me. I just learned not to put myself in the line of fire. Self preservation kicked in and I distance myself. I eventually let it go but never let them have an opportunity to hurt me again.
Omg I didn't know there was a name for this. It's happening to me right now 😳 Getting my number changed today because he just won't leave me alone 😔
Yes indeed! Mainly from extended family of the Nar
that has always been a huge issue in my life no one getting that they are just making it worse for me.
The way you articulated all this confounds me… astonishing.
I'm going through it right now!!!
When I first floated the idea of separation, my ex said “I’m miserable in this relationship too, but I would’ve stayed forever for the sake of appearance and financial stability.”
When I told my Narc this, he said “tough, because I’m not letting you go”. He’s my ex now.
“My to-be ex-wife has drawn so many of the excuse cards. “I’m having dreams about us again.” “I dreamed we rededicated our vows.” “I dreamed about us having s3x together.” “We were supposed to be together forever.” “I wish I had started getting counseling a lot earlier.” “I don’t want to believe [AP] is my soulmate anymore.” “I told [AP] to stop touching me, and I’ll go to HR if he keeps doing it.” “I’m going to look for a new job so I’m not around [AP] anymore.” “I always hated my [AP].”
G'day Dr Ramani thanks for sharing🐨
I recently spotted a vulnerable narc in my friend circle. She made a “peace” by retreating into her idle “I don’t bother, I don’t care “safe” space.” That happened after I set some Ethical boundaries, after she had gaslighted me for a while, saying things like “nobody has to respect your boundaries.”
In response I answered very confidently, noting that if there is someone going to cross the basic boundaries of decency - I will make them respect it, hinting that I’m fully capable of doing what I said.
So, the v.n-s are actually responding to confidence. That was a sufficient reason for her to hide for a while in all senses of that “hiding,” which is a manipulative pretense, really. The gaslighting and belittling had stopped just for a while… That was the “peace” period, lol.
After some time it reappeared again. But of course! So, this second time - I went the full Carl Jung and Sigmund Freud onto her and closed the door shut in the end. I’m not going to associate with that person anymore. I made it very clear.
Pseudo peace treaty!!! 😂! Dr Ramani thank YOU! Another very accurate observation! Spot on! Thank YOU! Keep shining 🌟 and keep flying high! I wish you much success 🙏
You are so right with the peace treaty. I lived through that. Then had it thrown in my face maybe so and so would be better for you from like 30 years ago 😂 he was always Mr nice guy when he had an agenda
Nope. No contact and forever.
I've dealt with two of these situations, one professional and one personal. The professional was my boss, who got worse over the past 4 years due to jealousy and who knows what else. I was ready to quit and a co-worker said something to our boss. Boss apologized and gave us "this is a reminder of how awesome you are" mugs as a peace treaty. I called it a "I am sorry for being a jerk" gift. However, she was quickly back at her old games a week or two later. Thankfully my boss has retired and I am stepping up into her position and have learned how I will and will not function in that same role. The personal is my marriage and it took me finally saying that I would not spend time with my in-laws unless there were other, safe people there for me to interact with. My spouse finally got the hint and I haven't attended an immediate family get together in quite some time. I don't miss the drama! Thank you for this!
Mine forced me to have to interact at my grandmother's internment, knowing that I have chosen to be no contact. She blatantly announced it before she and it, too. "I'm going to force it. It's what I do!" loudly with a smirk. Her way of going, " See!? I'm trying, and SHE is the one who is the problem."
My aunt stepped between us later and blocked her from starting shit with me, allowing me time to move away. Just before we left, she caused a scene a second time, yelling at me and stalking after me as I left without saying goodbye to her. Then she gave me a disgusted, "Oh,that's so SAD!" after I finally stopped and responded to her, telling her I didn't want to hug her. I agreed and told her to think more about why that is and then left.
Yes, couples’ therapist never see this trick. They yell at victims and accuse them of being difficult. They never see that it is only till the compliment/desired titles, that the narcissist returns to their usual
If a couples’ therapist starts yelling at anyone, get the heck out. That’s unprofessional behaviour.
The majority of couples therapy in this country is based on outdated and thoroughly debunked theories that are based more on the Christian Bible than actual scientific research.
Yes, I have experienced it with my friend's and their SO and family. I am currently forced into peace treaty by a friend and I don't know if I can be with friends because I can't say anything at very obvious suffering from their end wrapped in nah-nah, it's all good. It hurts to witness these things knowing you will never be heard because they fully believe you are at fault and should be a bigger person. Probably if the person never had experience they can stand aside, but those who have? Tricky situation.
Yessss my narc brother is begging me to make peace with him and my narc mom, he wants to be the one who brought the family back together, in his dreams....
Thank you for this, Dr Ramani ❤
Pithy and brilliant and empowering! Very grateful.
Ooou spot on. Goodness it feels good to have this experience be put into words. .y oartber left me because he sensed i was getting ready to leave him. He was gone for a month and when i asked him to come back becasue he agreed to some changes to work on. He bought me flowers twice, and stopped saying some of the harsh put downs but still very much belittling me, conoaring me to other women, etc. He has been getting mad saying i am minimumlizing his gestures, and i needed to turn a new leaf snd forget what happened before he left. But what happened before he left has a huge role in why we are here now. He wanted me to just forget and constantly stated he changed and i was being difficult and indifferent. I couldnt sweep things unfer the rug because i havent healed from them. So he throws in my face he cant please me and feel hes done everything he could and how i havent changed nothing. It digs at me. And paralyzes me to feel stuck once more trying to prove im not a bad person.
Ma'am I've experienced it and on the top of that they became the victim, genuine and kind person who thought to fix things.
Oh, yeah, like being diligent and having the knowledge is a virtue, even though, whatever they do to 'fix' anything is performative and out of self-righteousness.❤
My narcissistic mother once told me while crying, "How do I wave the white flag. You win. I'm tired of all this." I told her simple stop stealing from me and stop disrespecting me & criticizing me. She said, "I don't do those things, but I will try to be good." I said, "OK." The next day or two, she went right back to her old habits. Back then, I didn't know anything about narcissism. I wished I had!
My problem is my 40 year old daughter has been triangulating between me and my mother since she was a teenager. When I try to set boundaries with her she runs to my mother who bails her out financially and takes care of all of her responsibilities filling out paperwork, filing her taxes, paying her phone bill, giving her money because my 80 year old mother feels responsible for some reason. She is her only grandchild so I don’t think my mother can stop helping her which makes me look like the bad guy when I do not help her. I recently sent my mother one of your videos on adult narcissistic children to try and get her to see that she is not helping! Honestly I don’t think this will ever end. 😕
My spouse and his oldest daughter seem to be complicit in their entitlement to bully the other siblings and me.
The most recent peace move is my husband getting our son employed in his shop. They have had a volatile relationship. He seems to be working at. As soon as he went to this shop my daughter and SIL came around the shop saying dad needs to move up. He has burned enough bridges.
It won't. I had an aunt like that and it didn't stop until she overdosed on cocaine in her 50s.
Thank you Dr R. You have showed me the right way
Dr. Ramani you’re awesome!!! I’ve been listening to you for sometime now. I’ve been dealing with my Narc wife over 25 years. She divorced me after I caught her in two different affairs. I allowed her back in my life for the sake of our children and because all I ever wanted was my family with her. Big mistake!!! I’m learning through your videos how to cope with her. God Bless you and thank you 🙏🏾🙌🏾
I just moved to NC and this is real good news! I would love to attend the event! ❤
Wow… this really sums it all up. I’m worried about my friends borderline behaviors and how to help here but this is years and years of abuse on her part. On another note as far as I’m concerned for my mental health I can’t just waltz in from treatment/ rehab and think everyone else is going to play ball on big ticket stuff and then I throw my little tantrum. BINGO. You blow my mind Dr Rams.
You have helped me soooo much ❤❤
Pseudo peace treat perfectly said Dr I became the wrong one for some many times for taking their pseudo treats .. great video dr so helpful
I am actively going through this right now. Perfect timing. Thank you for the advice. ❤
I have been approached recently. Even with tears. I have perfected grey rock though.
The supply. He just ate up all the bs about me. Became a toxic sounding board for all the lies my narc would tell him. He conveniently left out his own drinking problems and how that caused all the problems in the relationship
Peace was never an option!