Has a narcissist FORCED you into a PEACE TREATY?
ฝัง
- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 27 มิ.ย. 2024
- LONDON ENGLAND WORKSHOPS:
September 5-7, 2024
www.narcissistic-relationship...
NORTH CAROLINA RETREAT
November 1-3, 2024
artoflivingretreatcenter.org/...
ORDER MY NYT BESTSELLING BOOK 📖 "IT'S NOT YOU"
smarturl.it/not-you
JOIN MY HEALING PROGRAM
doctor-ramani.teachable.com/p...
JOIN THE DR. RAMANI NETWORK
www.drramaninetwork.com
GET INFO ABOUT MY UPCOMING PROGRAM FOR THERAPISTS
forms.gle/1RRUz41eWswjw63o6
SIGN UP FOR MY MAILING LIST
forms.gle/Bv9GNuMSR55PKTjQ6
LISTEN TO MY NEW PODCAST "NAVIGATING NARCISSISM"
Apple Podcasts: podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast...
Spotify: open.spotify.com/show/2fUMDuT...
Stitcher: www.stitcher.com/podcast/how-...
iHeart Radio: www.iheart.com/podcast/1119-n...
DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT. - บันเทิง
![[MIRRORED] LISA - ROCKSTAR 🎸 MV version #LISA #BLACKPINK #ROCKSTAR](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/-U58DuCCtZk/mqdefault.jpg)
I don't forgive anybody for abusing me. I forgive myself for not realizing what was happening until it was too late.
Thank you for this. I've cut off from my family of origin and my in-laws for not supporting me through my long marriage to a grandiose malignant narc. I'm grieving for the loss of dreams and myself. No contact with the narc and all his enablers and those who contributed through abuse in making me vulnerable to the narc
@@ArchAngel435SAME HERE. F them for taking everything good & turning it to shit. And the therapists who didn’t have the ballz to stay true to the goal of supporting me during the family sessions/mtgs. I’ve been there before and why I hesitate to do family therapy. The charisma, ego, or confidence of the narcissistic enmeshed family members is so MANIPULATIVE that it feels like steps backwards in the individual work I’ve done. Very damaging. F that. But now what?! 🤷🏻♀️
No apologies for narcissist.
I’ve been examining my selective forgiveness of others for abuses.. for instance, the more I know re: their own wounds, the more I tend to forgive. (Doesn’t have to entail continued contact.) It can help somewhat in forgiveness of oneself.
Well said. I agree.
Treaty is a good word. Everything with a narcissist is transactional. And of course, the narcissist sets the terms.
Of course! They set the terms, and they change them without telling anyone. The game is rigged. We must walk away.
Exactly. Looking back at photos of a younger me standing on the sidelines of transactional events with narcissists still hurts.
"I do for you so you do for me" said every person that did absolutely nothing for me but expected me to do so for them under threat and emotional coercion.
@@user-fe1pg5cf5uI destroyed all the photos that we had over the course of twenty five year marriage. Even before I knew he was a narc. He got the message and moved on, far easier to hook up with his former divorce client than make real changes to his behavior. They never change
My dad told me my whole life that “all relationships are transactional.”
Narc's treaties aren't compromises, but requests for additional sacrifice from their "loved ones".
and maybe there's not a treaty cause they don't think they fired a shot..thanks doc! Great vid.Rob
So very true
Oooh, that's great clarification. Thanks!
Exactly. You don't sacrifice for your loved ones. Taking care of them is an honour when love is real. Narc love is fawning.
They always have an agenda. They want to get along with you again because they have something to gain.
It’s always easier for outsiders to allow the narcissist to be a jerk. So they try to get the nice one to give in.
Enablers are shit. More than the narc 😮
My narc husband would always want us to ‘push the reset button’ and he would suddenly think everything was ok again
I dont want anything fixed with a Narc, they better stay the hell away.
Amen.
Amen...
You got that right! LOL
For real!!!
Amen.
That’s exactly my past experience. My ex used to say “why are you dwelling on the past?” Maybe because you’re repeating it in the present. They’re not sincere about anything but being fake
I have seen that sooo many times before.
All the narc has to do is transform their behavior instead of covering it up with “nice gestures” i.e. smearing the situation they’ve caused with sh*t.
Like poop
A.k.a. Learn ...but narcs don't do that, they learn to manipulate you differently
They can’t
It is not about not being able to accept apologies. It is that you are not interested in having him in your life. It is about boundaries.
Bringing me coffee in the morning...I ALWAYS know...he's either done something despicable, or he wants something, like $$$ or to use my car.
Or he's put something detrimental in the coffer... more common than you think
Yes!! It's like Beauty and the Beast. He holds her as prisoner and then invites her for dinner. She refuses and he yells at her to go ahead and starve. This is exactly what my brother does. He's so toxic, and then he'll appear friendly towards me in public or behind my back and people judge me for not warming up to him. 🤦♀️
Every time they offer you a little treaty, they expect that you invest into them and the relationship with full force. They offer you breadcrumbs and expect in return a whole 7 course menu. Its all transactional and you can not win.
Dude😂 I don't even get it sometimes. It's unbelievable
The narcissist enabler was the one who tried to engage me back into the family dynamic with gestures of fake kindness. It didn't work.
It's maddening. They are completely oblivious to the damage they do. They want when they want it.
It was her idea to see a therapist and on the way there she was telling me what to say and what not to say, "WHAT THE FU@K!" I didn't listen and said what was on my mind. The therapist knew I was telling the truth and she was the problem. We didn't go back because it didn't go her way 🤦 SMH.
Exactly the situation I had with my ex. He kept demanding couple’s counselling, instructed me to keep quiet, and then just dominated the hour with a tirade.
The counsellor advised me to run away and get a divorce.
Yes they are innocence shows in front of counselors, lawyers, etc..
"We didn't go back because it didn't go her way" -- that's always how it happens. I had BOTH parents pull that crap -- separately, so I had to go through it twice. A mess.
My wife wouldn’t tell me what to say and what not to say with the couple counselors we went to, but she would always find excuses for not liking them whenever the sessions were pointing out the problems she was causing. “He’s focusing too much on helping you.” “She’s nodding off in the sessions.” “She asked me something and asked it again later on in the session. She’s not paying attention.”
Just because the narcisist wants to get the slate clean and go on abusing you, does not mean you have to have anything to do with them if you don’t want to. And I don’t want to. They have caused enough damage in my life and I don’t want to have anything to do with them. I forgive them but want them to stay away from me!
Bingo! You get the prize!
Same. Hard to do with family but I'm working on it. You are wise to keep them out of your life. Best of luck! rose
Could not agree more
I know how you feel. Because that is how I feel. I forgive I just don't want to be with him anymore
My granddaughter tried to get me to rescue her mother yet again in a ridiculous situation that I have stepped away from completely. Now my granddaughter who used to talk to me, is angry with me. Her mother has done a great job of isolating. The last family member, who had anything to do with me from me. It’s amazing how clearly you see their manipulations once you have the facts and have a accomplished radical acceptance. I’m 75 and I guess I’ll live the rest of my life without family. This is not what I had hoped for. I’ve always done my best to be the best mother to them possible. But you can’t change someone’s personality and I have stopped trying.
My heart goes out to you,, That must be an excruciating experience for you,,
I wish you strength and serenity in your journey 💖💐💐
Signed,
Daughter of a narcissistic mother
@@jullietmburu9672 thank you for your kind reply. My mother was a narcissist who was also bipolar and obsessive compulsive. I feel so lucky that this horrible personality type has bypassed me, but I so wish my daughters had not been afflicted with narcissism.❤
Wow, same here! I've barely stayed sane with their gaslighting and devious b.s.. I'm 77 -- we got this! 😂❤
It is a no-win situation. I have been going through Parent Alienation for the last 18 years in regard to my oldest daughter. It is collateral damage after going a divorce with her narcissist mother. My home is peaceful with no drama. My plan is to keep it that way.
@@rcomyns4664 thank you so much for your reply. Sometimes I think I’m the only older person without family. Holidays are the hardest.❤
It’s like magic this algorithm… Your video titles pop up right when I need them.
We signed a peace treaty this Monday (4 days ago), 7 months after I discovered a very very painful infidelity that almost killed me.
Ever since I discovered your channel, your voice has been the only reason to return to being calm and confident again.
I made him pay a very high “price” for what he did to me. An “important consequence” as I heard in one of your videos.
Now I Hope for the best but am prepared for the worst and will never ever suffer or drop a single tear for him or any other narcissist in my life.
Thank you so much for your life, and for your time spent opening our eyes and mind to the danger we live in.
God Bless You and fill you and your family with harmony and happiness and more success so you can help more and more people around the world that are feeling lost.
I love your soul ❤️
Greetings from Mexico City 👋🏼
Congratulations. I’m happy for you and wish you happiness in life. That cheating and infidelity nearly killed me too as I ended up in hospital in emergency.😓 during 20 years of painful marriage he always hide every thing from me he was so cunning that I couldn’t ever figured out what he was doing behind my back. I’m alway in isolation with my kids and have no contact with anyone else except him. It’s been just 6 months when I came to knew about infedility and hidden marriage too. I m still stuck because he’s so much strong financially and socially that leaving him peacefully is impossible for me. He’s tracking my car and recording my 24 hours since my marriage and I even don’t know where he has hidden all those recorders and cameras. I just came to know recently about it as one day his phone was left open and he wasn’t there too. On top of everything he’s doing so much illegal stuff and never been caught. Im scared and there isn’t any safe exit with my kids. 😞
I also had the same..when I saw Dr.Ramani..the subjects came one after another of what I already thought about. And...watch Dr.Les Carter, on Surviving narcissm..
I wished they come together and than.....Dr.Les in his video told us , a lot of vieuwers wanted them to see them together. And they did!..I don't know the title but you can find that out😊. Maybe on surviving narcissm and Dr.Ramani.
@@Snezanahoh thank you so much. I surely will watch that video.stay blessed
@@SyedAbdulghanizaidi4772 and..wonderfull you wrote and ...and may God our Father and Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior and our Mother Mary give you Blessings. 🙏🙂🐾🐾.
Once the arguments over, the narcissist goes on with their life.
It’s like they have a little etch-a-sketch that can just erase any wrongdoings for them.
That’s convenient.
I called it their magic slate. His favorite saying was, "That's in the past," "The lie, incident, word salad or abusive act could have been 2 min ago, the day before or just part of the constant and consistent way the narcissist blows hot and cold and hypocritical, coersion and bs scrambles, DARVOs every encounter , to include collusion and coersion and brute force and triangulation all in a 5 min span is amazing to step back and watch once you realize what is actually going on.
Excellent analogy!
Yes! Must be so nice for them.
This recently happened to me with my toxic narc sibling at my mother’s memorial service. We were thrown together for a few days (I moved far away a long time ago) and they offered a “peace treaty”, but it was so obvious that there would be an immediate cost to me. I stayed in grey rock mode, set a boundary, and it enraged her. Yada, yada, yada. It is all bs, every word that comes out of their mouths. I am still recovering from having to spend days in her presence.
After 8 YEARS the court is wanting mediation, he said he didn't want it, now he does, at least this is what his solicitors say.. and the only reason it can be is that he doesn't want to be exposed.
Same here. I requested for mediation 3 years ago. Now that we've gone through all the preliminary hearings and the case is about to go before a judge, and they will obviously lose, they want to do mediation.🙄 I feel forced into negotiations.
Well if they're suddenly wanting mediation something scared them. There must be some fear of a loss😂
Been there. Twice. Mediation didn't work as he would not agree on anything that meant he had to be held accountable. The things he did agree on, he would skirt the agreement just enough to get away with another one of his 'gotcha' tricks; all the while telling others of the sacrifices he has made.
Went to mediation and my narc said the opposite of everything I said, then I agreed to those terms, then he changed his mind to the opposite 😂 the mediator was confused I was so happy to have a witness to the mess
@@PrettyLola-mm4uxWOW - this is a classic for the mediation books.
The court fucks up everything.
This. They allow the abuse and because they think everyone should be capable of 'playing nice'; the game keeps on getting played. Over and over again.
LOL, can't stop laughing. This is word-for-word what just happened in my "marriage". Problem for my spouse is, after 27 years of this crap I couldn't care less anymore... and that's my protection.
I swear Dr. Ramani has met my narc abuser!! She describes him in every video to a T !! Thank God for her videos !! She helps me in my every day living to deal with this person that I live with!! It's funny how I found her by googling "why is my husband so cruel to me?" Dr Ramani is an angel 😇
My problem is my 40 year old daughter has been triangulating between me and my mother since she was a teenager. When I try to set boundaries with her she runs to my mother who bails her out financially and takes care of all of her responsibilities filling out paperwork, filing her taxes, paying her phone bill, giving her money because my 80 year old mother feels responsible for some reason. She is her only grandchild so I don’t think my mother can stop helping her which makes me look like the bad guy when I do not help her. I recently sent my mother one of your videos on adult narcissistic children to try and get her to see that she is not helping! Honestly I don’t think this will ever end. 😕
My spouse and his oldest daughter seem to be complicit in their entitlement to bully the other siblings and me.
The most recent peace move is my husband getting our son employed in his shop. They have had a volatile relationship. He seems to be working at. As soon as he went to this shop my daughter and SIL came around the shop saying dad needs to move up. He has burned enough bridges.
It won't. I had an aunt like that and it didn't stop until she overdosed on cocaine in her 50s.
Yes, couples’ therapist never see this trick. They yell at victims and accuse them of being difficult. They never see that it is only till the compliment/desired titles, that the narcissist returns to their usual
If a couples’ therapist starts yelling at anyone, get the heck out. That’s unprofessional behaviour.
Hi Dr R! You rock. You've saved my sanity with your teachings and generosity in sharing. Perhaps my heart will work correctly one day. Thank you! Thank you! Thankyou!
This is 💯 my family, trying to make me hang out with the unrelenting unapologetic abusive narcissists in the family, despite the horrific things they’ve done to me. They say and do very hurtful things, then expect me to give them a hug and pretend nothings wrong. It’s so messed up I can barely be around my family anymore. It’s damaged me and my life so much. There are never consequences for their actions. I don’t trust them at all. I am pressured to ‘be forgiving’ despite them never apologizing. So done with it all. Prioritizing my well being. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
As soon as he needed something from me, he played nice.
Yup!! It happened to me...more than once. And every time hell would break loose when I say No to them
"How empty of me to be so full of you"....All of these offerings happened and I have to remember that all this 'treaty posturing' in the NPD is just theatre. Thank you for ALL your work as reminders.
Yes, it’s healthy to accept the reality that the. abuse is the real indicator of the type of unreciprocal relationship it is. In the case of family or if kids involved(situations where you can’t or choose not to go no contact for life), it’s important to remind ourselves that these are not relationships based on love and trust and should be treated as such. It was only ever a transactional relationship, so accepting this helps us treat it as such and only “transact” as much as we care to moving forward. Family should be a trusting, loving community, but once we accept that it’s not in our case, we can start to shift to finding fulfilling communities elsewhere and not expect anything from toxic people who never acknowledge or change their behavior/words.
Can anyone explain why adults are extremely narcissistic honestly i find it very hard to deal with people or adults anymore even kids are the same anyone else experiencing this???????
Look all around and the state of the country hell even the world. People have lost their collective minds.
There are many narcissistic adults (also known as kidults). Children are by their nature quite narcissistic, but if they develop in a healthy way, they will not have a lot of the traits, and the behavior gradually is extinguished. The kidults have always been a problem, but many societies and cultures enable and even reward their narcissistic behavior. When the rest of us get sick of it, turn our backs, and walk away, I would hope that things would get better. I know for me personally, it has.
You're not the only one that sees narcissists in too many places. I feel it's one of those things once you see it, it can't unsee it.
You have stumbled into a cluster/nest of them. Some social systems/families/workplaces/friend circles are full of toxic people because they gravitate toward each other, feed off one another, bring toxic others in. So it SEEMS like all adults are narcissistic because that is what you are exposed to regularly. (I am assuming you are a younger person...) The key is pushing the eject button once you have full adult control over your own life. Best of luck to you.
As an Asian man who is Hmong I see that a lot of Hmong mothers are the V. Narc class.
Not just by my mom, but by the "but that's your mom!" type of people. I'm so tired of opening up to people about all the things my mom has done to me just to get that response.
I was arguing with my mom once, and one of the people nearby forced me to apologize to her in public. There have been other instances of this. It's so humiliating. It's making me start to keep to myself.
Sickening…..WE don’t owe our parents anything….respect is a two way street.
Dealing with the same crap
@@user-rh5vc6jj6uit's a very isolating experience. I'm still trying to get away from her and all of her flying monkeys. I wish you the best as well!
1 1/2 week of no contact with narc mother in law. Waiting for her attempt to reconcile. I am not letting her back in. Too many years and never good enough for her.
Stay strong. Father narcissist advertised that he bought a new mattress for when I would visit after I went no contact. (he had never replaced the mattress I had from toddler days) The fake phone voice with the “tell” of the fake smile in it - always meant was telling a lie, trying to manipulate. Unfortunate, but see behaviours in sibling that led to no contact there as well. Really hate walking on eggshells so much nicer not having to!😊
@@thejammiebricker2327 Thank you…I’m so less stressed knowing I have blocked her. I too was walking on eggshells with no knowledge of it. Always sucked me in asking questions about my fav subjects, then didn’t follow advice but used it against me in future discussions. It took me a long time to catch on. I have to stay vigilant. I am starting to feel less weak and liking this very much.🙏🏼
My brother passed away a few days ago. My narc mom is trying do a peace treaty now since I've gone four years of no contact now. People in the family that aren't aware of her tricks are trying to get me to make up with her despite past abuse. Even though I am biologically her daughter, I was a fb post and number five on her list to notify of his passing. So, I'm looked at as being cold-hearted to others when i don't return her call.I have gotten accustomed to being the mean person. At least I'm in good company with her biological sister and brother with their families. I will let the flying monkeys figure it out for themselves.
When you dont give supply they will try to get from others and gradually everyone will know their true self!!! Once my friend taught me to be a “meethi churi” to get rid of them and others to realize them… meethi churi (in Hindi) means a sweet knife…. You are cutting them to the core with a smile and everyone watching does not realize what’s actually happening as its between you and them.
He recruited two pastors - one was my family member - to convince me to stay with him. One of them said, "You can change him."
Oh, God ! What a trap !
I suppose they also said you were the dysfunctional one who needed help , too, huh. What a cop out on there part, including the main one of the three-ring 🎪 you had to deal with. A bunch of bone heads. I hope you got to a safer place, if not completely out to total freedom.❤
Mine forced me to have to interact at my grandmother's internment, knowing that I have chosen to be no contact. She blatantly announced it before she and it, too. "I'm going to force it. It's what I do!" loudly with a smirk. Her way of going, " See!? I'm trying, and SHE is the one who is the problem."
My aunt stepped between us later and blocked her from starting shit with me, allowing me time to move away. Just before we left, she caused a scene a second time, yelling at me and stalking after me as I left without saying goodbye to her. Then she gave me a disgusted, "Oh,that's so SAD!" after I finally stopped and responded to her, telling her I didn't want to hug her. I agreed and told her to think more about why that is and then left.
I cannot tell you how many times I've cooperated to have peace, or give peace. I need these TH-cam segments .
When I first floated the idea of separation, my ex said “I’m miserable in this relationship too, but I would’ve stayed forever for the sake of appearance and financial stability.”
When I told my Narc this, he said “tough, because I’m not letting you go”. He’s my ex now.
“My to-be ex-wife has drawn so many of the excuse cards. “I’m having dreams about us again.” “I dreamed we rededicated our vows.” “I dreamed about us having s3x together.” “We were supposed to be together forever.” “I wish I had started getting counseling a lot earlier.” “I don’t want to believe [AP] is my soulmate anymore.” “I told [AP] to stop touching me, and I’ll go to HR if he keeps doing it.” “I’m going to look for a new job so I’m not around [AP] anymore.” “I always hated my [AP].”
As a survivor from the 1980’s, I love your channel. I am part of a support system for my niece who just got out of a narcissistic marriage. We watch you together and your wisdom is so appreciated. Thank you.
it's a treaty they will break when it's convenient to them.
Yep. 25 years in and every time in the past he sensed that I've had enough, he suddenly changes gears to love-bombing-like behavior. I used to fall for it back then, but thanks to these videos that dreadful ball-and-chain trauma-bond has finally been destroyed and I see right through all the crap now. I'm not responsive to his hoovering the way he's used to and is playing the victimhood card into the ground along with lots of DARVO. I don't care. I'm working on getting out of this mess. NO MORE.
"A good and wise man will meet you when you are in pieces and leave you wholeness/ entirety.
An evil and stupid man will meet you when you are wholeness/ entirety and leave you in pieces."
Can you provide quote attribution? Profound.
@@RachelSitea-mn2qk Unfortunately not. I've read too much. But definitely philosophy.
@@marcin3136 Ok, thanks for replying💌
Great quote!❤
I will refuse any "peace treaty.' I have finally seen the narcissist clearly and no not want a relationship with someone with such poor values. A niece was contacting me trying a subtle approach (manipulative) but after I proactively wrote what I see in the narcissist and that I was no longer willing to continue that relationship, she has not emailed again. Years of meanness and using me as a psychological punching bag have been so scarifying that I have absolutely no interesting in risking it again.
I learned a hard lesson from the narcissists in my life. I do not forgive anyone who hurts me. I just learned not to put myself in the line of fire. Self preservation kicked in and I distance myself. I eventually let it go but never let them have an opportunity to hurt me again.
Very timely content, the day after a narcissistic candidate for president said he would force a European democracy to 'sign a peace treaty' with a violent and repeated boundary crosser.
Thank you Dr! Been there! Outsiders, therapists, church leaders. Everything is meticulously calculated to win. Everyone is a pawn. Using faith to manipulate, claiming to be Christian, and hiding behind the Bible has got to be the most dangerous type of person ever. Soul killing, not life building.
Forced into their twisted narrative, whatever it is at any given moment. Painful when telling hurts. Took 20 years and a mountain of pain. He told a christian therapist, "I told her I wanted a home of peace, not fighting"
No win situation
I know so many "devote" christians that won't shut up about jesus and god and the lord and the light and then found out they beat their wives, courted someone else's wife, neglected their kids, scammed money out of family and neighbors...
Dr. Ramani is now also psychic 👁 Anyone else feel so✋️😂❤ Your timing is unbelievably perfect!! 👌 Thank you !🙏 I just spoke of this yesterday- how their nice tone on paper is inconguent with my experience(s) w/the narcissistic person (cruel, rageful, unfaithful, inconsistent, self righteous). The "nice" email gives me the freeze-response, because responding "as if" nothing happened feels like another form of gaslighting- and I'd even be gaslighting myself by going along with it. Therefore, i wont respond/engage to that either. I only respond to truth and authenticity. Doubt I will be gettong that anytime soon. I couldn't get it while in an intimate partnership, so why would i expect to get it now.
As much as I'd like to feel on peaceful terms, my soul is at dis-ease going along with the delusional facade they need in order to fulfill their ego that they are Mr. Nice guy✌️ Peace Out more like! 😂 ✌️✌️✌️✌️🙏
"Too little, too late" ❤
Thank you…thank you.. I understand what’s happening! You are so amazing, right on target… this is playing out as you speak. What VISION 😮 I get it. I can’t be slaughtered anymore…😮
I've been no contact with my mom for a few years. Her first apology was an email saying "I'm sorry for what I said but that's all I'm apologizing for," which I didn't respond to. Her brother and sister in law have taken my side and she's been asking them about me. I requested they not speak to her about me, and tell her if she wants to know how I'm doing, she needs to ask me herself. She thinks she's the one who's been no contact with me, having blocked my phone after I stood up to her bullying and her ego couldn't take being held accountable. She sent me another email last week telling me they told her what I said and so she was coming to me directly to find out how I'm doing. The first half of the email was great. But then she said "But you have to be civil. No accusations or yelling." Of course, she's the uncivil one who yells and throws around false blame. All I was doing was calling her out on it. So yeah, I haven't responded to that email either.
I've dealt with two of these situations, one professional and one personal. The professional was my boss, who got worse over the past 4 years due to jealousy and who knows what else. I was ready to quit and a co-worker said something to our boss. Boss apologized and gave us "this is a reminder of how awesome you are" mugs as a peace treaty. I called it a "I am sorry for being a jerk" gift. However, she was quickly back at her old games a week or two later. Thankfully my boss has retired and I am stepping up into her position and have learned how I will and will not function in that same role. The personal is my marriage and it took me finally saying that I would not spend time with my in-laws unless there were other, safe people there for me to interact with. My spouse finally got the hint and I haven't attended an immediate family get together in quite some time. I don't miss the drama! Thank you for this!
Yes, I have experienced it with my friend's and their SO and family. I am currently forced into peace treaty by a friend and I don't know if I can be with friends because I can't say anything at very obvious suffering from their end wrapped in nah-nah, it's all good. It hurts to witness these things knowing you will never be heard because they fully believe you are at fault and should be a bigger person. Probably if the person never had experience they can stand aside, but those who have? Tricky situation.
YES, YES, YES! Other people that don't understand mental and emotional abuse, and think I must be the problem because he's so charming, or incorrectly assuming that the problem is that we just can't
get along.
When I finally clapped back at my insufferable ex-boss, I got a ridiculous excuse like "sorry for not being the boss you want me to be".
Narcissists NEVER change.
Thanks Dr. Ramani, excellent as always and so glad to see how you are thriving. You rock. I would add often religious expectations and norms (even religious communities/groups) are also deployed by narcissists to manipulate their targets for said "treaties".
The narcissist pivoting the narrative back to them really made me do a side eye back to myself. I have seen my mom do "the pivot" many times. As mom ages, the act is so obvious and more of the telltell patterns replay.
My narcissistic mother once told me while crying, "How do I wave the white flag. You win. I'm tired of all this." I told her simple stop stealing from me and stop disrespecting me & criticizing me. She said, "I don't do those things, but I will try to be good." I said, "OK." The next day or two, she went right back to her old habits. Back then, I didn't know anything about narcissism. I wished I had!
This is exactly where i am with n. today, it’s what he’s doing and her explanation at 4:30 in video is exactly what is happening in our home. Thank you soooo much, Dr Ramani for helping me, once again, understand what is going on here. I can’t tell you how grateful i am!!!
Ma'am I've experienced it and on the top of that they became the victim, genuine and kind person who thought to fix things.
Oh, yeah, like being diligent and having the knowledge is a virtue, even though, whatever they do to 'fix' anything is performative and out of self-righteousness.❤
I recently spotted a vulnerable narc in my friend circle. She made a “peace” by retreating into her idle “I don’t bother, I don’t care “safe” space.” That happened after I set some Ethical boundaries, after she had gaslighted me for a while, saying things like “nobody has to respect your boundaries.”
In response I answered very confidently, noting that if there is someone going to cross the basic boundaries of decency - I will make them respect it, hinting that I’m fully capable of doing what I said.
So, the v.n-s are actually responding to confidence. That was a sufficient reason for her to hide for a while in all senses of that “hiding,” which is a manipulative pretense, really. The gaslighting and belittling had stopped just for a while… That was the “peace” period, lol.
After some time it reappeared again. But of course! So, this second time - I went the full Carl Jung and Sigmund Freud onto her and closed the door shut in the end. I’m not going to associate with that person anymore. I made it very clear.
Early in the relationship (18yrs), he cleaned the house , to amend after a physical aggression. I was at work and when i didnt answered as he wished, he lashed out on me EXACTLY as you described.
Thank you for taking up this topic ❤️
Right know it’s happening! I’m not sure if this is real… why now, why through another person to me. Talk with me…
A family member intervened in my recently ended relationship. It resulted in a huge car crash. My partner was absolutely horrified. All of the horrible behaviour was only ever directed at me in private. I think the fact that it was obvious i had discussed some of this was just too much for them to take, and it most definitely did not fit with the carefully curated public image. At first, there was an attempt to make amends, but then i was quickly ditched. It was all incredibly cold. Suddenly, all the lies and gaslighting have become very, very obvious. I feel very used, very sad, and incredibly confused by everything that happened. It's like two years of my life were some kind of nightmare where my own life was put completely on hold.
Again YOU ARE THE BEST. Thank you for giving me my LIFE back.
Yes!! My dads family intervened and tried to gaslight us into a peace treaty as a way of getting my sisters and I to attend his nieces’ wedding. Absolutely crazy and very hard to get out of even when you do recognize it for what it is!
I’m all for peace when it’s justified. Mine certainly tried to remain some kind of “friend” with me at work even after the discard had happened. It took me a while, but eventually I saw that too for what it was and found acceptance that the only way to heal is to break it all off completely. So please don’t come back or try to. I want nothing to do with you anymore, no more silent treatments, no more being treated like a dog to the whistle when you want company, no more under your breath insults at me when you’ve had a few drinks. I saw the mask, and really liked the mask. But that’s all it was, a mask. Once I saw what you really, really thought of me, no thanks. No peace, but peace out ✌🏻
I just had the most horrendous experience with my narcissistic abuser and it feels like you made this video for me. Thank you so much
Hello Dr. Ramani I have had outsiders, my brother, a sister, or a therapist. My husband became more gaslighting and blaming. He would cycle between playing nice, bread crumbing, or he would state the supporters are incompetent.
I just heard you say while the narcissist is being nice they’ll once again use gaslighting to blame me.
Oh my goodness, that’s exactly what my work supervisors did. I was the problem or not meeting requirements. I had to write a letter to the board of nursing to overcome any punitive measures. The situation was very traumatic. My only resolution was to resign from my job at that time. It didn’t affect my license since I wrote a documentation of situations that happened to the Board of Nursing. Once again thank you Dr. Ramani.
Yes. I blocked my narcissistic sister.
My sisters 1 daughter called me childish, because I won’t just forgive and just get over it.
So I blocked all her children on facebook. Which hurt.
Then this recent Easter, my sister convinced her other daughter to try asking my Aunt and my 1 cousin for my phone number. So she could wish me Happy Easter.
My Aunt and my cousin didn’t give her my number. Thank goodness.
But when she was talking with my cousin, my cousin accidentally video chatted with my niece ( who wanted my number ).
Immediately my cousin realized that she was at my sisters home.
My sister is the one who convinced her daughter to try to get my number.
Because my niece doesn’t care about me. She is just like her mom.
The last time I talked to 1 my niece, she said, “ that she’d laugh at some who was crying. “
When I said, “ what if that other person was hurt or injured. “
She merely shrugged and said, “ why should I care. “
The lack of empathy for others, made me realize that she is exactly like her mom ( my sister ).
especially the covert narcissist!!!!! OMG my mum did this all the time "so we forget now, we do not speak about it, we forget, we forget"
Thank you for all you do! ❤
You have helped me soooo much ❤❤
I just downloaded "it's not you" on audible. I can't wait to listen to it
things got so confusing when anyone else was around
Yes but also I've forced her into a peace treaty many times.
Emotions with her seem to be tradeable so in order to be able to function at times or to maintain boundaries. Ive done it with a really weird trading.
Oh my gosh, this is EXACTLY what I'm going through right now!!! I watch you every single day to remind myself of why I walked away a month ago and changed my number, blocked his family and will not respond to his barrage of "poor me- you never loved me" messages. (From prison!!!)
Especially when they have narcissistic behaviors themselves.
You are so right with the peace treaty. I lived through that. Then had it thrown in my face maybe so and so would be better for you from like 30 years ago 😂 he was always Mr nice guy when he had an agenda
Your real friends and family don't and won't hold back when they see something wrong with someone else. Pay very close attention to your gut instincts.
I have been approached recently. Even with tears. I have perfected grey rock though.
Omg I didn't know there was a name for this. It's happening to me right now 😳 Getting my number changed today because he just won't leave me alone 😔
I’m breaking up the family. 😅
What could happen if you don't take it? He only wants peace because the fact I don't talk to him makes him look bad. It's been 9 months and I keep refusing. I can see him getting angrier and angrier, and I feel he may end up exploding in a more dangerous way.
Dr. Ramini, right-on👌. It is a reality, of 'fake' truth of niceness from my Covert, can't be forgiven -- too much build-up. It is similar to reverting back to a temporary 'love bombing' stage of performance, then, again, possible "rage" episode. ☮️✌️😮
Wow.... this is has happened over and over with my ex. Her was a major player in all this playing both sides
Ooou spot on. Goodness it feels good to have this experience be put into words. .y oartber left me because he sensed i was getting ready to leave him. He was gone for a month and when i asked him to come back becasue he agreed to some changes to work on. He bought me flowers twice, and stopped saying some of the harsh put downs but still very much belittling me, conoaring me to other women, etc. He has been getting mad saying i am minimumlizing his gestures, and i needed to turn a new leaf snd forget what happened before he left. But what happened before he left has a huge role in why we are here now. He wanted me to just forget and constantly stated he changed and i was being difficult and indifferent. I couldnt sweep things unfer the rug because i havent healed from them. So he throws in my face he cant please me and feel hes done everything he could and how i havent changed nothing. It digs at me. And paralyzes me to feel stuck once more trying to prove im not a bad person.
In therapy, "You havent even noticed how I don't yell at you anymore! Why don't you recognize how much I've changed!" Uh, thank you for not yelling at me?
I have a narcissistic neighbour who ignored me when I asked her to turn her music down (and her sons). The bass was so loud our walls would vibrate/with ongoing rap music all day. Lasted for about 6 years until I finally gave her a warning that we will take it further to the police. In our state the police can pretty much only give warnings and if the music is turned down that day then the issue is resolved. It's a day to day issue too so they can not prosecute from issues that happened days before etc. We called the police on numerous occasions until our neighbour sent us a mediation letter! Such a slap in the face as if we were the ones in the wrong! Mediator was as you say very unbiased and did not pick sides. However we chose to mediate in private which I think was the most effective as the narc was unable to feed off our suffering. Mediator pretty much saw through her manipulation and told then it needs to stop! We also put up security cameras around our house and all of a sudden no music?!!! 🎉
My narc father has forced me into this "peace treaty" with my narc sister on multiple occasions. Usually by using our mother as the reason... "this is hurting her so much." "be the bigger person." "you need to let it go." And my narc sister has tried to gaslight me into making amends with her for the same reasons. I've agreed one too many times in the past, and I refuse to play their games any longer. I've been happily estranged from my narc sister for almost 8 years now and I don't regret a single second. And I've been mostly estranged from my narc father for almost a year, and again, I feel good. I am so much freer without them and their manipulation.
Nope. No contact and forever.
G'day Dr Ramani thanks for sharing🐨
I went through this with my ex wife. It played out just like you said.
Same same but different Crazy stuff
Yup, daughter, former therapist, friend, priest…had it all. Got divorced 7 years ago. Incredibly manipulative and I am blocking.
None of the narcs seem to want to fix anything with me as I either need to get my job done, or I still have to be me, and neither of those scenarios fit a narcs narrative. I'm a giving person so they are all around me, and I can see them from a mile away. I don't believe in rewarding bad behavior.🎻 They can dry a river, I'm super done.
Agreed, others are in the mix and are not helping.
The supply. He just ate up all the bs about me. Became a toxic sounding board for all the lies my narc would tell him. He conveniently left out his own drinking problems and how that caused all the problems in the relationship
This is the stage she’s trying right now, because I’m not taking her bulls*** anymore.
Nothing is working. I don’t care anymore. I love me and our children.
Exactly! And it is so obvious, and people still tolerate it.
I wish I could go NO CONTACT, but this person is the GATEKEEPER TO MY GRANDCHILDREN!