To neutralise the narcissist’s influence, you need to validate yourself. Become your own source of influence. Redevelop your self-love and self-confidence. What keeps you under their influence is often a lack of self-esteem.
That's part of it. The actual job market is most of the rest of the problem. Literally, money is running at least half of narcissistic relationships. Then there are the custody situations that effectively go on forever... Sometimes, hard as we all may try, some of us aren't able to just up and leave the way we'd like to and do try to.
@@glendaschilder3048 You're not dumb. The proof is that you've sought out this subject, found Dr Ramini, and hopefully are absorbing the valuable advice and explanations she's giving us. We've all felt dumb and ashamed at believing their lies. We know better now, and it will eventually sink in that we're not dumb and neither are you. Be kind to yourself ❤
I ran into an ex narc and he started talking and as I watched his mouth move I realized I was not required to talk to him so I just walked away, without saying one word. It felt so good!
Doesn’t it !!!! you don’t have even listen to that asshole again! I still married to my abusive he started bitching at me in the yard yesterday because he was supposed to be doing yardwork with me and he can’t do anything without throwing the fit in front of the neighbors and everybody and he thinks it makes him look tougher. I don’t know he’s embarrassing himself because if you play back what he was saying to me, it was totally unreasonable totally abusive and unreal unhinged and I just stood there and I was like OK well, I’m done here. I have other things to do in the garden so I walked away from him and when did my own work and he sat on the porch pouting for like an hour and a half I just walked away and left him standing there screaming. I wants me to stand there and pay attention and watch him work like he’s a 2 year old it’s weird I told him I have my own work to do .
One month of life after dumping my narc of 5 years. I feel happy, free, not used, not depressed, not anxious, light. I do miss the illusion he created, but I get slapped right back to reality when my brain kicks in. It's great being free of that toxic part of my life.
They’ll react to the crumbs if your lucky enough that they don’t go for your throat and bring up your deepest insecurities they learned about you to throw it in your face like ammunition. They’re miserable and want to make you just as miserable so they can feel higher than you. And you have to watch your every move and word because they love to make mountains out of mole hills. They thrive in the drama and love to create it even when it doesn’t exist. They love to pull problems out of thin air and out of every solution you bring up.
Absolutely! They expect and want you to react, that's the supply they're looking for. Don't give it to them! Once you stop reacting, they will lose interest and move on.
@@christinelamb1167 agree. I also feed them a diet of their rage. From a distance, safely say no, ya know the rules, wait. No ain't an answer? 😾 Put paws 🐾 on then and listen to their vulnerabilities then wait. Mirror that verbally in speak. Mirror them until they can see themselves disappearing... Mirror your vacancy sign. Ya gotta have have tho. You made to eat their hate, first then Master bait that back to them. They don't COME. eventually
THE DOCTOR RAMANI IS RIGHT, DO NOT CALL OUT THE NARCISSISTS, BECAUSE IT’S A HUGE WASTE OF TIME, TRUST ME I HAVE BEEN DEALING WITH NARCISSISTS FOR THIRTY FIVE YEARS!!!
They want you to react because that’s how they learned to relate to people. When you don’t relate to them, they think you’re being neglectful. So they escalate the provocation…
The best way to recover from narcissistic abuse is to not depend on them for ANYTHING. When you figure out how to get all your physical and emotional needs met that dont involve depending on the narcissist at all it is so empowering! You cant have control over someone who doesn't depend on you for anything!
Exactly! Very well said. It's taken me five yrs of Dr Ramani videos to accept that my own loved ones are oblivious to my feelings or needs. I'm 77 with RA and am determined to age in place without any of their assistance. It's just easier that way. So very grateful to be strong of mind, and to have friends who care. ❤
My narcissistic uncle drove my aunt to her early grave and then blamed her for not taking better care of her health. If she took even an hour to herself during the day he’d call and text asking when she’d be back… I miss her so much and find myself daydreaming “what if” she had just found the courage to leave him. She talked about it many times but just could never take the step
I've learned more through videos like this over seeing a therapist who has nothing to say except, "Keep drawing boundaries" and stare at the time because double booking. Makes me want to try talk therapy again but my area is loaded with people who should not be a therapist.
True, so many truly bad therapists! There are some good ones out there, so it pays to keep looking. If you don't like them, don't be afraid to move on. Don't waste your time on bad therapy! But be careful and discerning just like you would with anyone else. Sometimes they can seem good at first, but later you realize they're not the right fit for you.
True! I've had 3 therapist that didn't know anything about Narcs. I moved on to the next until I finally found One who gets it. I think She is great and due to the trauma, She is going to try EMDR therapy on Me to help Me heal. I was sexually abused for 8 years in My childhood and went on to more abuse as I was a teen and of course all the men in My life were Narc abusers. My husband of 30 years sexually abused Me, plus the emotional. After a lifetime of abuse, I don't know that I will ever truly heal, but I'm trying with God by My side. I'm so sorry you went through all of the abuse too. But, We Both got out and We will heal in time. I'm so grateful for Dr. Ramani and all her followers who help Each Other. Big Hug's 🫂 and much love. 🫶 Stay Strong!!
I agree, I prefer Dr Ramani's videos over than in person therapy. My last therapist was crying un controllable at my story of abuse. I ended up consoling her!
@@JR-zx8ll HA! Mine kept gasping, clutching nonexistent pearls to his chest telling me, "That's awful. How can people be so cruel to each other?" I realized after nearly three months, this isn't going anywhere. He kept telling me he can't say anything to me but listen. Like, WTF are you even a therapist then? I can have a friend do that. On top of that, wanted to put me on 4 different pills for, and I quote, "Severe PTSD, anxiety, insomnia, depression." No thank you.
Pointless tango! Love that! I spent years acting out from the psychological, spiritual, emotional, physical, and financial abuse that was used to hurt me further. Took me 20 years to get this, and even once in handcuffs. Mortifying way to live. The one way he knew to get me, child abuse. I have been a mandated reporter for years. Silenced everyone. Asymmetric, a one-way street to a dead-end road. Smashed my life into a million pieces and calls me the abuser. I ended up homeless and both my children. He used to call my mom behind my back and manipulated EVERYONE involved, including church leaders and therapists. Abused by faith. However, now my faith is even deeper and all I have, healing and learned a lot. Enough is enough, run! Sorry I trusted him enough to leave my career and take care of our blended family. Thank you for your work Dr Ramani. Healing hearts and souls! Bless you! ❤
You went through literally hell on earth. But you are done with hell & will go straight to Heaven while he will experience the judgement of God either here while still alive or in the hereafter
When I found out what he was and what he was doing and I stopped reacting and playing into his traps and mind games, he started saying I was being "too formal" and "sucking the joy out of him" and "I don't talk to him like I used to and don't share things with him anymore and it makes his heart hurt" then he became enranged and retaliatory and tried to shame, embarrass, triangulate and get rid of me.
All sounds typical. It's good that Dr. Ramani is educating all of us! I'm sorry you experienced that. I'm sorry all of us experienced it... Crazy-making indeed
Oh, yes they do. You just have to have the power. I had the rare opportunity to tell a hoovering narcissist to bugger off. It's amazing that I survived it.
Love this!!!I grew up a child of an alcoholic, yes, a narcissist. Thank you for giving me more tools to help myself behave better to get healthy and heal from my past.
My gosh, there are so many videos about making money in webinars, I would totally want to do that one day:). Just didn't want to fall to sleep listening to it and not understand it. But yes I did watch these videos to help with idolising my standards on mine and my brothers relationship,. These videos have helped.:)
You have compassion for someone who’ll never have compassion for you. That’s a heavy lesson. The sympathetic nervous system arousal of anxiety/survival becomes so physically taxing, so radical acceptance and working on reacting is key. The constant nervous system arousal is unnatural and potentially harmful.
One of my last txt to my N Ex ‘And I felt secure with you, I only let you in once I felt safe. But you kept pulling the rug out from under me & brought out my anxiety. That messes with my nervous system. I can’t live like that. Lifestyle choices didn’t help. My only choice was to step away. ‘
This is so what they want. Making us look like the unhinged ones gives them cover to continue their blame game. We are so much strong than these pitiful beings and so much wiser than the wolf in sheep clothing.
I got to self gaslighting after a long time, thinking i was loosing my mind and that i had memory loss. I started at this point to greyrock whithout knowing what it was, not even realizing at the time that a narcissistic relationship was what was happening to me. And it cut the grass beneath him. As if what he said stopped having a hold on me. I did not expect anything from him that was different from the usual, i stopped relying on him. And i gave up trying to fix things. Slowly, i learned, i recognized the patterns. And i found the strength to leave. Still now, i greyrock around him. And i keep my reality, and i feel proud whenever it happens. It removed most of his power over me I started to follow this channel way after, still learning a lot. Many thanks for sharing all that, for helping people making some kind of sense of all this, and for helping us protect ourselves
Thank you Dr. So many people want to blame the victim and then you have victims blaming themselves. It's very lopsided. You definitely support your clients help to not be responsible for others actions and to allow victims to have an assertive voice without self gaslighting. Victims try heroic efforts to fix things while the Narcissist will sabotage it all.
These dynamics. Frustrating to impossible. They can’t shake it when you simply build the courage to meet them with a completely justified, normal conversation. Try asking them how they feel, fpcusing on one thing (likely negative), asking what might make them feel better about that. It’s like it never occurred before or them that something might actually be done to improve stuff. Kindness applied never occurs to them. Do they know they’re choosing misery? Why can’t we just be adults? That’s how it feels.
I have had this used against me by a male narcissist. He explained that we should not discuss whether to make my father a DNR in front of my father to me over and over, in front of other family members, outside my father's hospital room. I finally lost my patience and said with emotion, "You don't have to keep explaining this. No one is such an idiot that they would discuss this in front of Dad." While my husband walked with me down the hall to help me cool down, I could hear him telling other family members how I was irrational and too emotional to make decisions. Later that day, he tried to interfere with the hospice nurse to convince her that my father could not be cared for at the facility I had chosen (regardless of the fact that he had input on it when my father was originally moved there AND it had already been evaluated by the hospice organization). When the nurse came into my father's room, I quietly asked what she needed me to work on (assuming I would have to reprove that my father could go back to the facility) and she said, "This is my job. You don't waste another thought on this." That was such a blessing and allowed me to be fully present with my father instead of reworking on logistics.
I needed this today! Self doubt is debilitating and keeps us frozen -afraid to put one foot in front of the other. I was just told for the billionth time that I "need help". Duh!! Of course I need help! 25 years and 3 lives destroyed including our 2 daughters . Why am I still here?!?
You are not alone! You can do it. Reach out to local resources and find options for healing and independence if you need to. I pray you will experience the health and prosperity you deserve. 53 years of narc abuse and I'm healing, and finding my self-esteem again, if I can come back from the pit of hell, anyone can.
@@teresadvorak6145 100% in fact when I'm defending and she's [my mother] is acting too condescending and like a fool, I'll share that and watch her squirm because they're perfect ya know?😆
Book title for someone “we can’t always live in escalation” 🤔 it was the constant escalation which tuned me into how I was participating in the toxicity as an empath by feeling and mirroring every escalation
Now you touched on surprise, I find this video serendipitous. The one action I identified which always kept my sympathetic nervous system in fluctuation was their surprise to things which should not initiate such a response. Like being jumpy but not only to sounds, touch and movement but to their own thoughts. Lots of “awww f*** _insert blank_” but always waiting for others engagement before unloading. Often it was something silly and other times it would be something to make self look good or others look bad. The perpetual jump scare was very unsettling for me. What I started doing is stating I need a minute after I get startled and that lead to the direct escalations, searches, and understanding to leave.
Wow! The beginning of the video you hit the nail on the head! I was injured shortly after I met him and ended up fighting social security and suing Workers Comp for 5 years! Not only was I in pain but the emotional experience was awful to go through. I was so depressed losing My job and being disabled permanently and tried to commit suicide 4 x in 2 years. He never cared. I spent 30 of the best years of My life with him. I'm happy to say I will be divorced on June 16th which is Father's Day! Happy Father's Day You A-hole! 🎉 I have gone NC since Feb and I am so grateful I did it and stuck to it. The last time I spoke to him I was physically sick and emotionally drained and I couldn't understand what was wrong. Then I realized how Toxic he is for Me and that is when I went NC. I'm so glad he moved over 2K miles away and I will never see him again! Thank God! His daughter can take care of him now. I'm free for the first time in 30 years 🎉 🎶 💃🥳 🦋
Great lesson. Very helpful. Trying to find a safe place where I am married to a covert narcicist, have to semi report to a raging narcicist at work, and am surrounded by a host if social workers who turned out to be all levels of narcicists. Now then, listening to your lessons, I am noticing some narcicistic tendencies in myself. YIKES! Now that's a boat load to handle! It is beginning to disable my want to thrive in anything ... 😢
I grew up watching my siblings come from extremely toxic to eachother to full on narcissistic while raising their kids. They abused them and used them to their own advantage. Then later as adults they turned their abuse towards me. I tolerated them for only so long, UNTIL....I unleashed years of living and dealing with them. I put my points out to them, and I was sooo fed up, I also swore and called them all the names that belonged to them. I own it. I did unleash years & years of their BS abuse.
Futurum malorum præmeditatio from stoicism, or negative visualization is a lot like preparing yourself for what could likely happen. Wise stuff. The second idea that we only control our minds, not outside events is more stoicism! Super cool! Letting someone else control your emotions gives over what little power you have over this world to someone else.
Dr. Ramani, thank you SO much for your hard work and dedication to help others! You are different from other Doctors because it's obvious that you don't treat your work primarily as a business, you're a obvious mature and well educated humanitarian first- and your business is secondary! ❤❤❤
In the past I led a team of the worshipping group. We used to meet before church because it was the only time all had available to do rehearsals. When for the thousandth time my x was late with his preparations for the serman, I lost my cool, took the car and met the group at church. It was their time (5 to 7 people) too. And let him ride with official transportation. It took a long time to set that signal and I believe I grew mostly in such moments when I put a foot down.
You rock, Dr. Ramani! I believe that it's not just your masterful knowledge that makes you successful. It's YOU! Your personality shines through the screen and makes me feel like you are sitting right next to me and caringly engaging with me.
Believe her, they are not going to change. I used to think and believe things would change over and over but by the third time I realized that they only got worse each time.
Yes. This is my life. I was just communicating my needs and I trusted the person enough to expect that they'd take it constructively. But all that ever happened was that I was always wrong. He refused to be accountable.
Sometimes, you have to passionately put them in their place. The narcissist has just conditioned us to believe we are unhinged. Classic gaslighting. They want that reactive behavior just so they can gaslight you.
I definitely gaslight myself a lot. I often think if I imagined everything that happened, if I am just too sensetive, if maybe it wasnt that bad....and it is really hard. Hard to understand everything is real. Its just I want to be 100% sure before I turn my back to them
I ran into my x abusive narc in dollar tree,i dropped everything i had in my hands i got the hell out the store,my nervous system went crazy,i can not be in the presence of evil anymore
I had started finding these signs on Google that I was with the narcissist. Finally, I turned to him and I asked him if I’m so bad then why are we even together and he had no words. He also called me the C word I told him with the response yes, I am. I am the pioneer queen of the c word and don’t you ever forget it there again, no response other than he was perplexed that it didn’t phase me and the direction he wanted. I tried to leave telling him I’m not happy and I’m gonna move out. That was the wrong thing to do because he wanted to have control to end the relationship, and that wasn’t happening because they always have to have the control of ending the relationship
When we are surprised about what the narcissist does, that shows we are not to the point of being healed. To those healed, they know the DNA of the narcissist and are no longer surprised with anything they do or say. It shows you have control of your inner self, not allowing anyone to take that away from you.
When a narcissist walked into a senior center luncheon with her big fake smile and a container of cookies, I think she expected everyone to put down their forks, throw her a party, shoot fireworks and put on a parade. Imagine her chagrin when I didn't even say hello. An unforgivable crime in her view. A recovery triumph in mine. I don't go there anymore.
41and going on.. years of marriage to a Narcissist I have believed I am the one with all the problems and I have been called all kinds of words. Only after listening to your videos did I realize its not me who is all the words he used on me, now follow DEEP. I am catching it and correcting it. Thank you Dr. Ramani
I feel like there is a small victory every time I correctly predict my narcissistic ex’s behaviour. Moving from being shocked and disappointed each time to foreseeing it most of the time feels like such a load off.
Yes - Dr R is amazing and spot on as always! These actions, emotions, thoughts, etc. my clients have are the reactions normal people have who are “prisoners of war” in their own homes - this is how they feel and act/react as a measure to survive their (emotional, intimate) prison-guard captors. It’s all about power and control that the Narc “needs” to lord over their narc supply. PsychEd about how Narcs develop and operate always helps my clients understand that they are the normal one, and are just having a normal reaction to being abused, controlled, lied to, etc. When my clients start gray rocking, the client does become indifferent to their Narc…no longer personalizing the Narcs words and actions. And they now feel empowered and in control of their own life again. The client’s self worth and confidence are rebuilt/restored… And they do come to the knowledge and understanding that the opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference! They emotionally leave the relationship before they physically do…and they all leave with the bonus of having a well-tuned radar for Narc characteristics, behaviors and abuse.
You might like to read the book Trauma and Recovery by Dr Judith Lewis Herman. And I also came to the understanding that the opposite of love isn't hate, but indifference.
Thanks Susan - will add that book to my reading list of books to review before I add to my client reading list library. The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists is another great one for all to read…like group therapy in a book! Helps people understand they are not alone or crazy as the Narc gaslighting does mess with/alter one’s reality significantly to the point sometimes that the victim feels crazy!
It’s like they never consider the possibility of kindness. Or kindness applied. Being around someone who chooses misery is heavy. Doing kind things trying to be helpful to those who hurt me feels like yesterday. And that’s when the indoctrination into the cult of them happens. When today feels like yesterday and tomorrow will feel like today.
It’s funny when my narcissists in my life they carried out reactive abuse and tapped me, one even said at the end of the recording “now you see what I have to deal with”. So it can be twisted both ways in recordings. So just because they made the recording or have the reactive texts doesn’t make them the victim.
Shes so right about the reacting...it really will effect your health...the emotional energy you waste will make you sick....i got cancer 1 year after being in a narccistic relationship with an evil man...the stress can kill you literally...i got divorced as fast as i could and cut him off...im also keeping my narcisstic mother at a distance..she complains but i dont care anymore...she will never change so why play the game or dance the same tango...run and have a great life!
Take care of you I got yelled at on Thursday stood in the yard and got yelled at because he put the chainsaw away because I told him to set it aside because I didn’t know if we were gonna need it so no he put it away then when we needed it again it was my fault and I proceeded to get screamed at. I had sweat dripping down my face. I grabbed the rag to wipe my face off and he screaming at me. Why aren’t I standing there telling him what branches to cut off this bush because this is how he wants to do yardwork I’m supposed to stand there and pay attention to him and direct him. This is how he gets supply. He wants attention like a three year old kid mommy watch me watch me play basketball or whatever I’m like I have other work to do your 59 years old if you cannot handle trimming a bush then just leave it and I will do it later and I walked away Iso I walked away. I did my own thing and he was standing there screaming all at me the neighbors can hear him he’s embarrassembarrasses himself and he looks like an asshole because he is an asshole, but after being sick over being abused for no reason at all the middle of the yard and he’s done this before is his favorite place to pick on me. He’s found a new new abusive tactic that he likes so I’m not working with him anymore I just realize it’s not even worth it, I’ll never do anything with him again on the way out the door
Thank you so much for inspiring a lot of us to have a voice again. There facts and validation. You’ve seriously been someone to help sooo many people. I try to healthily keep my voice now, hold myself along with the ones I love accountable for bad behavior. Bad behavior is bad behavior no matter how it’s flipped and NOONE deserves it. We all have stayed so scared to get locked up if we make them mad or get hurt worse or whatever the matter may be. I just think you’ve definitely been a historical marker in ppl finding that voice and that voice for healthy and kind accountability for self and loved ones.
That helps me a lot .. Just yesterday I had a conversation with my Mom about our (so called) family. To me it was needed to say and I did not snap. I explained some feelings snd thaughs and asked her Q: How do you feel? A: Everything is BS. Q: What exactly do xou mean? A: Your behavior. Q: What? Did I hear it right- My behavior? Again, how do you feel? A: Your behavior. Your complete behavior. Q: Ok, you said it again and maybe you whant to think over. I would like to ask you again. How go you feel? A: Your complete behavior. Q: Ok, its hard to believe for me, but it shows exactly why I feel like I'm the scapegoat. And you actually think I'm the only one that has any behavior? Only me? Not you or someone else in our family? A: ...* silence* I left .. even though it's hard and painful i know its better. I deeply respect the feelings and thoughts they have about me. That helps me to reduce the contact on a minimum.
Loved this recap! On so many levels. As a sensitive male, I have endured many years of losing myself under a narcissists wife’s control, and after learning to disengage, I finally said “you’re a narcissist, look it up”. To my surprise, things have changed. I am no longer gaslit and have gained back my inner strength. Not sure that works for everyone, but my sense is that she had no idea she was like that. I know her new found respect for me may be temporary but has opened my eyes and am realizing how much there is an ignorance embodied in there psyche of how they impact others.
The problem occurs when they do character assassination for more than 5 years, contacting every possible acquaintance through Internet and never stop, doing this every 6th month. Lots of psychologists forget that nowadays it's more difficult to go silent completely as the social media still allows them to find out where you are at with your life. Especially if the narcissist is the mother.
@@idunno6480 so practically one can't live because of some id*ots. I don't say that one should live his/her life on social media but when you have friends all over the world, it's not the best option to cut off everyone because of 1 or 2 narcissistic people. I deactivated my social media months ago, one of my friends that I visited abroad uploaded a picture of us. The first thing my mother did was to contact her, asking my friend how come she's friend with me while I'm the worst person in the world. Whatever, it's not that obvious as the psychologists simplify these things, they should say that you practically must Stop having a normal life.
I'm so glad you addressed not calling them out. I was thinking of writing an email to let him know the real reason it didn't work out. Because, he is telling everyone the wrong reason. But, I realize that it won't change anything about how He thinks it ended. Its hard after 30 years of an abusive marriage. The disrespect of My body was horrible to say the least, without going into detail. I really appreciate your videos and Everyone here who has been through this horrible pain and self doubt and thinking We are crazy!! "IT'S NOT YOU" ! I love the Book Dr. Ramani ❤ Thank you for all your Wisdom.
Hi, I just want to thank you Doctor for these videos from the bottom of my heart. I'm the youngest daughter in my family and I have been dealing with a narcisistic sibiling and mother, and probably a narcisistic father too. It's been so difficult to live in this environment of a house with so many problems and hostilities and silent treatments and even threatenings directed towards me at some points. I've had some anxiety attacks and stress problems that manifested in diferent physical sympthons in the past due to all this constant drama and fights around. But I feel that these types of videos help me a lot to try to navigate the best way I can the time I have left in this house until I can become independet and can move out of here. Thank you!
Man... When i realized this i was floored. I remember thinking that hope can kill you. When i lost hope that the narcs would change, it saved my life. No hope, no surprise.
I began shutting down my emotions toward him and shutting down my reactions. That made him excell his rage. To the point I called 911. Got an order of protection, and now have a two year order of protection.
You are very good Dr. Ramani, you really get what we the victim of narcissistic people experienced. I really didn't think that there is somebody who can understand and validate my experience and feelings. All your videos, whatever topics or area of topics within narcissistic people is it are really spot-on. I enjoyed your examples and list of scenarios. Thank you for the advises, it really helps me a lot. As if I have a best friend who can really understands me. I have been experiencing this for 50 yrs. already, and still ongoing...and there is no escape. It's my parent who is very very intelligent. It's very hard, it's my faith and my sanity that keeps me holding on. :)
Using the words "I feel" are trigger words for them. Just state the facts in a non-emotional tone and in a flat-way (no emotive facial expressions) Animate for your friends that actually care, not for them. Think of them as a wall. Think of your messages to/for them as sticky notes. "I need to..." Use the words "I need" instead of "I feel". Stay on point. Show no emotions. And, most of all - stay away from any words that reflect "feelings". They think in a transactional way. They think in black and white. Everything is either a "yes", or a "no" to them. They do not care about anyones feelings. Go to your real friends/other family members that actually can feel - and validate your feelings with them (if needed)
I practice radical acceptance, nevertheless, how do you not react when your mother ruins mother's day? She ruined it for everyone first hour in the morning. After her snapping nobody was in the mood to celebrate her, restaurant reservations has to be called off and the entire day's mood was spoiled. I couldn't help but cry on my own, a mix of frustration and sadness. I guess that regardless of therapy you can't really dodge all curved balls.
I am aware that I still gaslight myself after watching this. Will be more aware and catch myself. I see now it's from narcissistic abuse from my mother. I stopped calling things out years ago. It wasn't worth my sanity.
Years if trying to keep peace to protect others in the household from the rage and yelling. Sometimes I feel guilt for moving out at 21 and leaving my younger siblings behind. My sister got the worst of it, and she was the youngest
Taking a brave move for myself today. I could always do whatever had to be done for my son while raising him. Its so difficult to do what's hard but best for me. That needs to change. These small actions may not seem like much to others, but that's ok. It means a lot to me to be strong for ME!
I love this video, ESPECIALLY the “you make me feel” part. (about 18 minutes in) I came to this realization the hard way but if you can start practicing it now you will be better for it. The only thing I would add is when you say “you make me feel” you open the door for the denial of your feelings. Even when dealing with someone who isn’t toxic, it’s human nature to become defensive when someone accuses you of something. If you say “I feel” it takes away the power to deny or or manipulate what you are trying to communicate. I try to take away the “you do this, or you do that” out of most conversations. Certain people will still try to manipulate the way you feel, especially when you are admitting a vulnerability. But by owning your vulnerabilities you take away their ability to own them. When you do that a toxic person will probably still try to manipulate, but you took away their power. They will likely make themselves look ridiculous.
Thank you, doctor very much Your videos are life changer since Jony Depp and Amber's court hearings I finally realised what I went thru from my early childhood till now And you've saved me I'm a survivor. My children are survivors. I wish that one day we will thrive
This teaching is also what we need to clean up the impossibility of the right and left delusion and pain we have under the government even at that level.
Thank you for this clarification! I gray rock my narcissistic husband about 98% of the time now, but if I do push back, I always feel like a failure. ❤
OMG this is wonderful to hear Ramani. My manager has narc traits at least and I find her aggressive and passive aggressive communication unacceptable so tell her not to talk with me like that... Hearing a rationale for my reactions makes me feel validated and helps me understand my responses clearly. My manager thinks it’s me who is at fault, not her, and has suggested I need to behave better. The many times she has not listened, denied what she has said, been dominating and totally lacking in collaborative dialogue is a big issue for me and my colleagues. Thank you, I can develop my communication with her regarding boundaries more confidently and calmly now. And I can be more confident in selecting when to respond and when to ignore her irrational behaviour.
I became so frustrated on a vacation we took the narc on. We set boundaries prior to trip about a lot of complaining, but it was constant. Chaos from beginning of trip to the end. I finally had it and said enough! Then that’s when the passive aggressive mean comments started and now they’re the victim.
Oh my gosh, vacations with a narc are the worst! Like you said, constant complaining, and chaos the whole time. It's just not enjoyable at all. But if you ask them to stop complaining, suddenly YOU'RE the bad guy, YOU'RE the one with the problem. I have experienced this! After the last time, I decided I will never go on another trip with them.
Yes, and they absolutely have to ruin every vacation. I had my aunt my mother and my husband. They’re all narcissist and I wanted to go on a camping trip with the kids and the only ones that were happy and had any fun with me and the two kids everybody else was miserable and I thought you know what next time I’m going on vacation by myself. I’m not gonna include them anymore because they ruin everything.
I asked for my thankfully previously out of control father for an apology for embarrassing us at the airport. I KNEW why he was dis-regulated too: same reason I was: we both needed to go to the bathroom, but nope! It was a HUGE ego bruising for him, as if I didn't give him the GOLDEN ticket to own up and move on with everyone and leave that nonsense behind! Even the most gentle, sincere attempts to reconnect with them are seen as defiance of their control. It's madness.
Lately I have learned not reacting, but she found another scapegoat., because there is no narcissistic supply from me. I don't give her anything! And now I have fears what kind of revenge she will make.
And this was how my story with my ex narc unfolded. 2.5 yrs of me losing my cool with my children who were 14 & 16 at the time. I could only handle so much and I am usually very patient but with this guy!!! It drove me bonkers and my mental heath and that of my 2 children's mental health suffered because of it. It kills me to think what i put everyone who knew me through because of him. I blamed myself for not being strong enough. 😢
It’s really sad that we had to get to such a point of confusion & desperation that we had to go online to find out wth was happening to us! I did. Even after a few years of therapy and intense listening & study, some of us, (me) still need that permission to express how we feel about being blatantly abused for so long. Thank you Dr. Ramani for saving & drastically changing my life. Even geographically!! You are a force of nature & I thank you & the universe itself for helping so many. You have left a long, & incredible legacy of healing millions. 🥹🫶🏻
Once again, you have a video that is right on point. I now realize that I have been beating myself for pushing back, and said what I have never said, but always wanted to. And it was in text messages conversations after, for once in my relationship with my Vulnerable narcissistic sister, I let her see that I was scared in a life and death situation, during a video chat call. I was scared because I am in the middle of a War, and was getting frequent messages by our Home Front Command to be prepared for an imminent attack. In the past, I shielded this sister, if I was nervous or scared, even though she lives in the US, so never has been in this situation. She twisted my fear into an attack on her. I dared to raise my voice. So obviously I was using an angry voice at her. She added that her husband agreed with her analysis that I was picking on her! She sent me reams of texts blasting me. Instead of ignoring this, I explained. "My voice was raised because I was scared". Because I engaged I have been beating myself up. Now I realize that it is OK if I get sucked into responding during extreme circumstances. I am actually relieved that she is doing ghosting now. 😂 Thanks, Dr. Ramani, once again.❤
We have a camera system outside, my husband just retired. I'm folding clothes and see him notice the neighbor lady and be lined to talk to her. I laugh to myself .when he comes in he starts telling me the neighbor lady saw him outside and ran over to talk to him. I decided I wasn't letting his lies go anymore so I said oh I saw you running over in the camera. He became so enraged called me out of my name berated me for the cameras. I mean he exploded. But the good is he hits n runs left the whole day. 48 yrs of no accountability. In trauma therapy and I feel the old 13 yr old jayne coming back thank you Dr Romini. ❤❤
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To neutralise the narcissist’s influence, you need to validate yourself. Become your own source of influence. Redevelop your self-love and self-confidence. What keeps you under their influence is often a lack of self-esteem.
You got that right!❤
They get you to trust them…then show you they can’t be trusted..with you.
That's part of it. The actual job market is most of the rest of the problem. Literally, money is running at least half of narcissistic relationships. Then there are the custody situations that effectively go on forever... Sometimes, hard as we all may try, some of us aren't able to just up and leave the way we'd like to and do try to.
In my case..I'm just dumb 😒 I never could date right anyway..
@@glendaschilder3048 You're not dumb. The proof is that you've sought out this subject, found Dr Ramini, and hopefully are absorbing the valuable advice and explanations she's giving us.
We've all felt dumb and ashamed at believing their lies. We know better now, and it will eventually sink in that we're not dumb and neither are you. Be kind to yourself ❤
I ran into an ex narc and he started talking and as I watched his mouth move I realized I was not required to talk to him so I just walked away, without saying one word. It felt so good!
It's so liberating isn't it, to realize we don't owe them anything, even talking to them!
😅😂❤😮😂😅
Doesn’t it !!!! you don’t have even listen to that asshole again! I still married to my abusive he started bitching at me in the yard yesterday because he was supposed to be doing yardwork with me and he can’t do anything without throwing the fit in front of the neighbors and everybody and he thinks it makes him look tougher. I don’t know he’s embarrassing himself because if you play back what he was saying to me, it was totally unreasonable totally abusive and unreal unhinged and I just stood there and I was like OK well, I’m done here. I have other things to do in the garden so I walked away from him and when did my own work and he sat on the porch pouting for like an hour and a half I just walked away and left him standing there screaming. I wants me to stand there and pay attention and watch him work like he’s a 2 year old it’s weird I told him I have my own work to do .
Cold-blooded, lol.
Yes! 👏👏👏👏
You can count on being lied to, cheated on, robbed and miserable while you're with them and for the rest of your life if you stay.
ABSOLUTELY
They do not change..ever..
Very accurate description in my experience too
One month of life after dumping my narc of 5 years. I feel happy, free, not used, not depressed, not anxious, light. I do miss the illusion he created, but I get slapped right back to reality when my brain kicks in. It's great being free of that toxic part of my life.
They are ruthless until they have finished the person and than move to the next one to continue the game .
When you don't react for so long, they look for the smallest crumbs to berate you for.
They gouge at ya all the harder tryin to get that reaction out of ya😮😢😮❤
@@teresadvorak6145they do it to their own children. Just looking for something to strike out about. Not on my watch !!
Yes, to the point the mere drawing of breath becomes an issue! 😂 Eff that
They’ll react to the crumbs if your lucky enough that they don’t go for your throat and bring up your deepest insecurities they learned about you to throw it in your face like ammunition. They’re miserable and want to make you just as miserable so they can feel higher than you. And you have to watch your every move and word because they love to make mountains out of mole hills. They thrive in the drama and love to create it even when it doesn’t exist. They love to pull problems out of thin air and out of every solution you bring up.
This! The most innocuous comment is twisted into an insult or attack on the narc. Then the revenge begins.
Stay silent and observe, and that way you’ll learn more in the long run. Don’t play their games, they expect you to react
Your learning by listening, teaching core the Art of Discernment. We're Teach--Abull. We All learn and are prisoners in your Hail.
Absolutely! They expect and want you to react, that's the supply they're looking for. Don't give it to them! Once you stop reacting, they will lose interest and move on.
@@christinelamb1167 agree.
I also feed them a diet of their rage. From a distance, safely say no, ya know the rules, wait. No ain't an answer? 😾 Put paws 🐾 on then and listen to their vulnerabilities then wait. Mirror that verbally in speak. Mirror them until they can see themselves disappearing...
Mirror your vacancy sign.
Ya gotta have have tho. You made to eat their hate, first then Master bait that back to them. They don't COME.
eventually
Right now... while reloading my stockyards and evaluating my game... In waiting for payment funds
Secret tip: remember they push that NO is not a choice. Flip it.
It always is...:-)
They don't feel remorse for their behavior. Whatever is our reaction to their invalidation is just normal. We should feel compassion to ourselves..
Yes, we Must show Compassion for Ourselves as well as Love and Respect.
Amen. It costs them absolutely nothing to destroy everyone around them.
They just *do*, *not*, *care*. If you expect them to care, when in fact they do not care, you've fallen into a trap.
THE DOCTOR RAMANI IS RIGHT, DO NOT CALL OUT THE NARCISSISTS, BECAUSE IT’S A HUGE WASTE OF TIME, TRUST ME I HAVE BEEN DEALING WITH NARCISSISTS FOR THIRTY FIVE YEARS!!!
Me too 36 years
They want you to react because that’s how they learned to relate to people. When you don’t relate to them, they think you’re being neglectful. So they escalate the provocation…
Very true
The best way to recover from narcissistic abuse is to not depend on them for ANYTHING. When you figure out how to get all your physical and emotional needs met that dont involve depending on the narcissist at all it is so empowering! You cant have control over someone who doesn't depend on you for anything!
That’s so true
Exactly! Very well said. It's taken me five yrs of Dr Ramani videos to accept that my own loved ones are oblivious to my feelings or needs. I'm 77 with RA and am determined to age in place without any of their assistance. It's just easier that way. So very grateful to be strong of mind, and to have friends who care. ❤
@@rcomyns4664Well done to you! Life is better without toxic people, glad you are now at peace, way better for your health too!🙏🌻
@@rcomyns4664Also 77 with RA. On my own for 3 months after 38 year.Dr R is genius, plus she has street smarts.
My narcissistic uncle drove my aunt to her early grave and then blamed her for not taking better care of her health. If she took even an hour to herself during the day he’d call and text asking when she’d be back…
I miss her so much and find myself daydreaming “what if” she had just found the courage to leave him. She talked about it many times but just could never take the step
❤
This woman is wonderful ⭐️ helping a lot of people, undoubtedly!
They tell ppl that I’m abusive to them but they aren’t even here.
I've learned more through videos like this over seeing a therapist who has nothing to say except, "Keep drawing boundaries" and stare at the time because double booking. Makes me want to try talk therapy again but my area is loaded with people who should not be a therapist.
Exactly
True, so many truly bad therapists! There are some good ones out there, so it pays to keep looking. If you don't like them, don't be afraid to move on. Don't waste your time on bad therapy! But be careful and discerning just like you would with anyone else. Sometimes they can seem good at first, but later you realize they're not the right fit for you.
True! I've had 3 therapist that didn't know anything about Narcs. I moved on to the next until I finally found One who gets it. I think She is great and due to the trauma, She is going to try EMDR therapy on Me to help Me heal. I was sexually abused for 8 years in My childhood and went on to more abuse as I was a teen and of course all the men in My life were Narc abusers. My husband of 30 years sexually abused Me, plus the emotional. After a lifetime of abuse, I don't know that I will ever truly heal, but I'm trying with God by My side.
I'm so sorry you went through all of the abuse too. But, We Both got out and We will heal in time. I'm so grateful for Dr. Ramani and all her followers who help Each Other.
Big Hug's 🫂 and much love. 🫶
Stay Strong!!
I agree, I prefer Dr Ramani's videos over than in person therapy. My last therapist was crying un controllable at my story of abuse. I ended up consoling her!
@@JR-zx8ll HA! Mine kept gasping, clutching nonexistent pearls to his chest telling me, "That's awful. How can people be so cruel to each other?" I realized after nearly three months, this isn't going anywhere. He kept telling me he can't say anything to me but listen. Like, WTF are you even a therapist then? I can have a friend do that. On top of that, wanted to put me on 4 different pills for, and I quote, "Severe PTSD, anxiety, insomnia, depression." No thank you.
Pointless tango! Love that! I spent years acting out from the psychological, spiritual, emotional, physical, and financial abuse that was used to hurt me further. Took me 20 years to get this, and even once in handcuffs. Mortifying way to live. The one way he knew to get me, child abuse. I have been a mandated reporter for years. Silenced everyone. Asymmetric, a one-way street to a dead-end road. Smashed my life into a million pieces and calls me the abuser. I ended up homeless and both my children. He used to call my mom behind my back and manipulated EVERYONE involved, including church leaders and therapists.
Abused by faith. However, now my faith is even deeper and all I have, healing and learned a lot. Enough is enough, run! Sorry I trusted him enough to leave my career and take care of our blended family. Thank you for your work Dr Ramani. Healing hearts and souls! Bless you! ❤
*What a nightmare Eizabeth! I am sorry this happened to you. Narcissists*
*are evil and dangerous. I know how evil they can be. (Hugs)* 🙏
You went through literally hell on earth. But you are done with hell & will go straight to Heaven while he will experience the judgement of God either here while still alive or in the hereafter
When I found out what he was and what he was doing and I stopped reacting and playing into his traps and mind games, he started saying I was being "too formal" and "sucking the joy out of him" and "I don't talk to him like I used to and don't share things with him anymore and it makes his heart hurt" then he became enranged and retaliatory and tried to shame, embarrass, triangulate and get rid of me.
All sounds typical. It's good that Dr. Ramani is educating all of us! I'm sorry you experienced that. I'm sorry all of us experienced it... Crazy-making indeed
With narcissists, their feelings don't get hurt because they have none
But it hurts them when their ego is bruised. However, narcs will then cut ties if that's the case and will no longer bother their target
They can get hurt. The truth hurts them but their reactions won't be the same because they lack self awareness and empathy
They have them for themselves but for others they do NOT really give a flying f--k.
No, they just get mad😮😮😮
Oh, yes they do. You just have to have the power.
I had the rare opportunity to tell a hoovering narcissist to bugger off.
It's amazing that I survived it.
I feel happy to be here. 😊
The hacks I use with my narcissist is earbuds. To keep my head strong because he’s toxic and pointless and attention seeking.
Yeah. They are a life saver.
When they show you who they are, believe them. I only have control over myself.
Love this!!!I grew up a child of an alcoholic, yes, a narcissist. Thank you for giving me more tools to help myself behave better to get healthy and heal from my past.
My gosh, there are so many videos about making money in webinars, I would totally want to do that one day:). Just didn't want to fall to sleep listening to it and not understand it. But yes I did watch these videos to help with idolising my standards on mine and my brothers relationship,. These videos have helped.:)
After 2 years of following you, i am finally begining to see the light
You have compassion for someone who’ll never have compassion for you. That’s a heavy lesson.
The sympathetic nervous system arousal of anxiety/survival becomes so physically taxing, so radical acceptance and working on reacting is key. The constant nervous system arousal is unnatural and potentially harmful.
One of my last txt to my N Ex
‘And I felt secure with you, I only let you in once I felt safe. But you kept pulling the rug out from under me & brought out my anxiety. That messes with my nervous system. I can’t live like that. Lifestyle choices didn’t help. My only choice was to step away. ‘
Yes, I do feel unhinged and so does my family seeing my reactions. They were ready to commit me. I am learning though.
My heart goes out to you. That makes the pain even deeper when those around don't understand. Hugs to you! ❤
Usually, they feel threatened by the truth teller. Stay strong. Keep studying this subject. Your gonna be alright honey. I beleive U 😮😮❤❤❤ 🙏
This is so what they want. Making us look like the unhinged ones gives them cover to continue their blame game. We are so much strong than these pitiful beings and so much wiser than the wolf in sheep clothing.
I got to self gaslighting after a long time, thinking i was loosing my mind and that i had memory loss. I started at this point to greyrock whithout knowing what it was, not even realizing at the time that a narcissistic relationship was what was happening to me. And it cut the grass beneath him. As if what he said stopped having a hold on me. I did not expect anything from him that was different from the usual, i stopped relying on him. And i gave up trying to fix things. Slowly, i learned, i recognized the patterns. And i found the strength to leave. Still now, i greyrock around him. And i keep my reality, and i feel proud whenever it happens. It removed most of his power over me
I started to follow this channel way after, still learning a lot.
Many thanks for sharing all that, for helping people making some kind of sense of all this, and for helping us protect ourselves
Thank you Dr. So many people want to blame the victim and then you have victims blaming themselves. It's very lopsided. You definitely support your clients help to not be responsible for others actions and to allow victims to have an assertive voice without self gaslighting. Victims try heroic efforts to fix things while the Narcissist will sabotage it all.
You are right, very clear
These dynamics. Frustrating to impossible. They can’t shake it when you simply build the courage to meet them with a completely justified, normal conversation. Try asking them how they feel, fpcusing on one thing (likely negative), asking what might make them feel better about that. It’s like it never occurred before or them that something might actually be done to improve stuff. Kindness applied never occurs to them. Do they know they’re choosing misery?
Why can’t we just be adults? That’s how it feels.
I have had this used against me by a male narcissist. He explained that we should not discuss whether to make my father a DNR in front of my father to me over and over, in front of other family members, outside my father's hospital room. I finally lost my patience and said with emotion, "You don't have to keep explaining this. No one is such an idiot that they would discuss this in front of Dad." While my husband walked with me down the hall to help me cool down, I could hear him telling other family members how I was irrational and too emotional to make decisions.
Later that day, he tried to interfere with the hospice nurse to convince her that my father could not be cared for at the facility I had chosen (regardless of the fact that he had input on it when my father was originally moved there AND it had already been evaluated by the hospice organization). When the nurse came into my father's room, I quietly asked what she needed me to work on (assuming I would have to reprove that my father could go back to the facility) and she said, "This is my job. You don't waste another thought on this." That was such a blessing and allowed me to be fully present with my father instead of reworking on logistics.
I needed this today! Self doubt is debilitating and keeps us frozen -afraid to put one foot in front of the other. I was just told for the billionth time that I "need help". Duh!! Of course I need help! 25 years and 3 lives destroyed including our 2 daughters . Why am I still here?!?
You are not alone! You can do it. Reach out to local resources and find options for healing and independence if you need to. I pray you will experience the health and prosperity you deserve. 53 years of narc abuse and I'm healing, and finding my self-esteem again, if I can come back from the pit of hell, anyone can.
If U try to tell them they need help & should see a councilor, they flip out 😮😮❤
@@teresadvorak6145 100% in fact when I'm defending and she's [my mother] is acting too condescending and like a fool, I'll share that and watch her squirm because they're perfect ya know?😆
You are so much better off without them . Move on. Enjoy your life
They love the attention they get from you.
Book title for someone “we can’t always live in escalation” 🤔 it was the constant escalation which tuned me into how I was participating in the toxicity as an empath by feeling and mirroring every escalation
Now you touched on surprise, I find this video serendipitous.
The one action I identified which always kept my sympathetic nervous system in fluctuation was their surprise to things which should not initiate such a response. Like being jumpy but not only to sounds, touch and movement but to their own thoughts. Lots of “awww f*** _insert blank_” but always waiting for others engagement before unloading. Often it was something silly and other times it would be something to make self look good or others look bad.
The perpetual jump scare was very unsettling for me.
What I started doing is stating I need a minute after I get startled and that lead to the direct escalations, searches, and understanding to leave.
Wow! The beginning of the video you hit the nail on the head!
I was injured shortly after I met him and ended up fighting social security and suing Workers Comp for 5 years! Not only was I in pain but the emotional experience was awful to go through. I was so depressed losing My job and being disabled permanently and tried to commit suicide 4 x in 2 years. He never cared. I spent 30 of the best years of My life with him. I'm happy to say I will be divorced on June 16th which is Father's Day! Happy Father's Day You A-hole! 🎉 I have gone NC since Feb and I am so grateful I did it and stuck to it. The last time I spoke to him I was physically sick and emotionally drained and I couldn't understand what was wrong. Then I realized how Toxic he is for Me and that is when I went NC. I'm so glad he moved over 2K miles away and I will never see him again! Thank God! His daughter can take care of him now. I'm free for the first time in 30 years 🎉 🎶 💃🥳 🦋
Oh yes. He reckons I need treatment because of the way he behaves so badly
😂😂😂
Great lesson. Very helpful. Trying to find a safe place where I am married to a covert narcicist, have to semi report to a raging narcicist at work, and am surrounded by a host if social workers who turned out to be all levels of narcicists. Now then, listening to your lessons, I am noticing some narcicistic tendencies in myself. YIKES! Now that's a boat load to handle! It is beginning to disable my want to thrive in anything ... 😢
I grew up watching my siblings come from extremely toxic to eachother to full on narcissistic while raising their kids. They abused them and used them to their own advantage. Then later as adults they turned their abuse towards me. I tolerated them for only so long, UNTIL....I unleashed years of living and dealing with them. I put my points out to them, and I was sooo fed up, I also swore and called them all the names that belonged to them. I own it. I did unleash years & years of their BS abuse.
Futurum malorum præmeditatio from stoicism, or negative visualization is a lot like preparing yourself for what could likely happen. Wise stuff.
The second idea that we only control our minds, not outside events is more stoicism! Super cool! Letting someone else control your emotions gives over what little power you have over this world to someone else.
Dr. Ramani, thank you SO much for your hard work and dedication to help others! You are different from other Doctors because it's obvious that you don't treat your work primarily as a business, you're a obvious mature and well educated humanitarian first- and your business is secondary! ❤❤❤
In the past I led a team of the worshipping group. We used to meet before church because it was the only time all had available to do rehearsals.
When for the thousandth time my x was late with his preparations for the serman, I lost my cool, took the car and met the group at church. It was their time (5 to 7 people) too.
And let him ride with official transportation.
It took a long time to set that signal and I believe I grew mostly in such moments when I put a foot down.
You rock, Dr. Ramani! I believe that it's not just your masterful knowledge that makes you successful. It's YOU! Your personality shines through the screen and makes me feel like you are sitting right next to me and caringly engaging with me.
Believe her, they are not going to change. I used to think and believe things would change over and over but by the third time I realized that they only got worse each time.
Yes. This is my life. I was just communicating my needs and I trusted the person enough to expect that they'd take it constructively. But all that ever happened was that I was always wrong. He refused to be accountable.
This is so true. dr Ramani I feel happier hearing your wise words ….. it explains how & why I feel so may things. X
Sometimes, you have to passionately put them in their place. The narcissist has just conditioned us to believe we are unhinged. Classic gaslighting. They want that reactive behavior just so they can gaslight you.
I definitely gaslight myself a lot. I often think if I imagined everything that happened, if I am just too sensetive, if maybe it wasnt that bad....and it is really hard. Hard to understand everything is real. Its just I want to be 100% sure before I turn my back to them
I ran into my x abusive narc in dollar tree,i dropped everything i had in my hands i got the hell out the store,my nervous system went crazy,i can not be in the presence of evil anymore
I was just thinking how unhinged i am for last 2 days. This video literally made me 😢
I had started finding these signs on Google that I was with the narcissist. Finally, I turned to him and I asked him if I’m so bad then why are we even together and he had no words. He also called me the C word I told him with the response yes, I am. I am the pioneer queen of the c word and don’t you ever forget it there again, no response other than he was perplexed that it didn’t phase me and the direction he wanted. I tried to leave telling him I’m not happy and I’m gonna move out. That was the wrong thing to do because he wanted to have control to end the relationship, and that wasn’t happening because they always have to have the control of ending the relationship
indifference = neutralized
with most narcissists, you're only safe if there's a 1,000 miles between you
When we are surprised about what the narcissist does, that shows we are not to the point of being healed. To those healed, they know the DNA of the narcissist and are no longer surprised with anything they do or say. It shows you have control of your inner self, not allowing anyone to take that away from you.
We should not go DEEP in the pointless tango, which the narcisistic relationship is. Thank you for those words dr Ramani ❤😊 God bless you ❤
When a narcissist walked into a senior center luncheon with her big fake smile and a container of cookies, I think she expected everyone to put down their forks, throw her a party, shoot fireworks and put on a parade. Imagine her chagrin when I didn't even say hello. An unforgivable crime in her view. A recovery triumph in mine. I don't go there anymore.
We must jazz up the mastery of my sympathetic nervous system surprises!
41and going on.. years of marriage to a Narcissist I have believed I am the one with all the problems and I have been called all kinds of words.
Only after listening to your videos did I realize its not me who is all the words he used on me, now follow DEEP. I am catching it and correcting it. Thank you Dr. Ramani
I feel like there is a small victory every time I correctly predict my narcissistic ex’s behaviour. Moving from being shocked and disappointed each time to foreseeing it most of the time feels like such a load off.
Yes - Dr R is amazing and spot on as always! These actions, emotions, thoughts, etc. my clients have are the reactions normal people have who are “prisoners of war” in their own homes - this is how they feel and act/react as a measure to survive their (emotional, intimate) prison-guard captors. It’s all about power and control that the Narc “needs” to lord over their narc supply. PsychEd about how Narcs develop and operate always helps my clients understand that they are the normal one, and are just having a normal reaction to being abused, controlled, lied to, etc. When my clients start gray rocking, the client does become indifferent to their Narc…no longer personalizing the Narcs words and actions. And they now feel empowered and in control of their own life again. The client’s self worth and confidence are rebuilt/restored…
And they do come to the knowledge and understanding that the opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference! They emotionally leave the relationship before they physically do…and they all leave with the bonus of having a well-tuned radar for Narc characteristics, behaviors and abuse.
Beautifully articulated! I can't wait to experience this! I'm moving toward the light! #inspired
You might like to read the book Trauma and Recovery by Dr Judith Lewis Herman.
And I also came to the understanding that the opposite of love isn't hate, but indifference.
Thanks Susan - will add that book to my reading list of books to review before I add to my client reading list library. The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists is another great one for all to read…like group therapy in a book! Helps people understand they are not alone or crazy as the Narc gaslighting does mess with/alter one’s reality significantly to the point sometimes that the victim feels crazy!
It’s like they never consider the possibility of kindness. Or kindness applied.
Being around someone who chooses misery is heavy.
Doing kind things trying to be helpful to those who hurt me feels like yesterday. And that’s when the indoctrination into the cult of them happens. When today feels like yesterday and tomorrow will feel like today.
I so needed this reminder… I’m getting there! Some days are better than others but the better ones outnumber the bad days!❤😂
It’s funny when my narcissists in my life they carried out reactive abuse and tapped me, one even said at the end of the recording “now you see what I have to deal with”. So it can be twisted both ways in recordings. So just because they made the recording or have the reactive texts doesn’t make them the victim.
You helped and still help to fill the missing time in my daily life and many thanks and I finally got addicted to a quality and necessary podcast 🙏🏻❤
Something needs to change. We are all sick.
Shes so right about the reacting...it really will effect your health...the emotional energy you waste will make you sick....i got cancer 1 year after being in a narccistic relationship with an evil man...the stress can kill you literally...i got divorced as fast as i could and cut him off...im also keeping my narcisstic mother at a distance..she complains but i dont care anymore...she will never change so why play the game or dance the same tango...run and have a great life!
I stopped saying that years ago, thank YOU for that. I hadn't accepted how little our feelings meant to them.
Take care of you I got yelled at on Thursday stood in the yard and got yelled at because he put the chainsaw away because I told him to set it aside because I didn’t know if we were gonna need it so no he put it away then when we needed it again it was my fault and I proceeded to get screamed at. I had sweat dripping down my face. I grabbed the rag to wipe my face off and he screaming at me. Why aren’t I standing there telling him what branches to cut off this bush because this is how he wants to do yardwork I’m supposed to stand there and pay attention to him and direct him. This is how he gets supply. He wants attention like a three year old kid mommy watch me watch me play basketball or whatever I’m like I have other work to do your 59 years old if you cannot handle trimming a bush then just leave it and I will do it later and I walked away Iso I walked away. I did my own thing and he was standing there screaming all at me the neighbors can hear him he’s embarrassembarrasses himself and he looks like an asshole because he is an asshole, but after being sick over being abused for no reason at all the middle of the yard and he’s done this before is his favorite place to pick on me. He’s found a new new abusive tactic that he likes so I’m not working with him anymore I just realize it’s not even worth it, I’ll never do anything with him again on the way out the door
Thank you for THIS video. I will watch it until I 'get it'. 💖
Thank you so much for inspiring a lot of us to have a voice again. There facts and validation. You’ve seriously been someone to help sooo many people. I try to healthily keep my voice now, hold myself along with the ones I love accountable for bad behavior. Bad behavior is bad behavior no matter how it’s flipped and NOONE deserves it. We all have stayed so scared to get locked up if we make them mad or get hurt worse or whatever the matter may be. I just think you’ve definitely been a historical marker in ppl finding that voice and that voice for healthy and kind accountability for self and loved ones.
That helps me a lot ..
Just yesterday I had a conversation with my Mom about our (so called) family. To me it was needed to say and I did not snap. I explained some feelings snd thaughs and asked her Q: How do you feel?
A: Everything is BS.
Q: What exactly do xou mean?
A: Your behavior.
Q: What? Did I hear it right- My behavior? Again, how do you feel?
A: Your behavior. Your complete behavior.
Q: Ok, you said it again and maybe you whant to think over. I would like to ask you again. How go you feel?
A: Your complete behavior.
Q: Ok, its hard to believe for me, but it shows exactly why I feel like I'm the scapegoat. And you actually think I'm the only one that has any behavior? Only me? Not you or someone else in our family?
A: ...* silence*
I left .. even though it's hard and painful i know its better.
I deeply respect the feelings and thoughts they have about me. That helps me to reduce the contact on a minimum.
Stay strong, keep the distance, keep your sanity, and go on to thrive.
@@maralfniqle5092 🙏🏼🤍🕊️🤗
Sharing what a social worker once said to me: "Yes, you do HAVE a problem. But you ARE NOT the problem....
And another huge tool is to pray!!!! That’s my first go to. ❤
OMG, too many awesome wisdoms and truths to even write about!!!! Thank you so much!!! 👍❤❤❤
Loved this recap! On so many levels. As a sensitive male, I have endured many years of losing myself under a narcissists wife’s control, and after learning to disengage, I finally said “you’re a narcissist, look it up”.
To my surprise, things have changed. I am no longer gaslit and have gained back my inner strength. Not sure that works for everyone, but my sense is that she had no idea she was like that. I know her new found respect for me may be temporary but has opened my eyes and am realizing how much there is an ignorance embodied in there psyche of how they impact others.
The problem occurs when they do character assassination for more than 5 years, contacting every possible acquaintance through Internet and never stop, doing this every 6th month. Lots of psychologists forget that nowadays it's more difficult to go silent completely as the social media still allows them to find out where you are at with your life. Especially if the narcissist is the mother.
Get off social media. They can’t easily discover information if you don’t post it.
@@idunno6480 so practically one can't live because of some id*ots. I don't say that one should live his/her life on social media but when you have friends all over the world, it's not the best option to cut off everyone because of 1 or 2 narcissistic people. I deactivated my social media months ago, one of my friends that I visited abroad uploaded a picture of us. The first thing my mother did was to contact her, asking my friend how come she's friend with me while I'm the worst person in the world. Whatever, it's not that obvious as the psychologists simplify these things, they should say that you practically must Stop having a normal life.
I'm so glad you addressed not calling them out. I was thinking of writing an email to let him know the real reason it didn't work out. Because, he is telling everyone the wrong reason. But, I realize that it won't change anything about how He thinks it ended. Its hard after 30 years of an abusive marriage. The disrespect of My body was horrible to say the least, without going into detail.
I really appreciate your videos and Everyone here who has been through this horrible pain and self doubt and thinking We are crazy!!
"IT'S NOT YOU" !
I love the Book Dr. Ramani ❤ Thank you for all your Wisdom.
Bravo! It makes me happy that you are in this world. You are golden, more precious than Rubies, as wise as Solomon, and as beautiful as Cleopatra.
Hi, I just want to thank you Doctor for these videos from the bottom of my heart. I'm the youngest daughter in my family and I have been dealing with a narcisistic sibiling and mother, and probably a narcisistic father too. It's been so difficult to live in this environment of a house with so many problems and hostilities and silent treatments and even threatenings directed towards me at some points. I've had some anxiety attacks and stress problems that manifested in diferent physical sympthons in the past due to all this constant drama and fights around. But I feel that these types of videos help me a lot to try to navigate the best way I can the time I have left in this house until I can become independet and can move out of here. Thank you!
Man... When i realized this i was floored. I remember thinking that hope can kill you. When i lost hope that the narcs would change, it saved my life. No hope, no surprise.
I needed to hear this. Thank you! ❤
I began shutting down my emotions toward him and shutting down my reactions. That made him excell his rage. To the point I called 911. Got an order of protection, and now have a two year order of protection.
Yesssssssss.....you are right on poing Dr R,it is USELESS to call a narc out. DONT DO IT!!!!!!!!!!😂
You are very good Dr. Ramani, you really get what we the victim of narcissistic people experienced. I really didn't think that there is somebody who can understand and validate my experience and feelings. All your videos, whatever topics or area of topics within narcissistic people is it are really spot-on. I enjoyed your examples and list of scenarios. Thank you for the advises, it really helps me a lot. As if I have a best friend who can really understands me. I have been experiencing this for 50 yrs. already, and still ongoing...and there is no escape. It's my parent who is very very intelligent. It's very hard, it's my faith and my sanity that keeps me holding on. :)
Using the words "I feel" are trigger words for them. Just state the facts in a non-emotional tone and in a flat-way (no emotive facial expressions)
Animate for your friends that actually care, not for them. Think of them as a wall. Think of your messages to/for them as sticky notes.
"I need to..."
Use the words "I need" instead of "I feel".
Stay on point. Show no emotions. And, most of all - stay away from any words that reflect "feelings".
They think in a transactional way. They think in black and white. Everything is either a "yes", or a "no" to them.
They do not care about anyones feelings. Go to your real friends/other family members that actually can feel - and validate your feelings with them (if needed)
That is a good idea: "Think of your messages as Sticky-notes." I will use that from now on.
He hated when I gray rocked him. I absolutely had to!
I practice radical acceptance, nevertheless, how do you not react when your mother ruins mother's day? She ruined it for everyone first hour in the morning. After her snapping nobody was in the mood to celebrate her, restaurant reservations has to be called off and the entire day's mood was spoiled. I couldn't help but cry on my own, a mix of frustration and sadness. I guess that regardless of therapy you can't really dodge all curved balls.
As they duplicated my sentences, only anger I had to neutralize.I did.
But I couldn't neutralize their influence on others,nobody can.
I am aware that I still gaslight myself after watching this. Will be more aware and catch myself. I see now it's from narcissistic abuse from my mother. I stopped calling things out years ago. It wasn't worth my sanity.
Years if trying to keep peace to protect others in the household from the rage and yelling. Sometimes I feel guilt for moving out at 21 and leaving my younger siblings behind. My sister got the worst of it, and she was the youngest
Taking a brave move for myself today. I could always do whatever had to be done for my son while raising him. Its so difficult to do what's hard but best for me. That needs to change. These small actions may not seem like much to others, but that's ok. It means a lot to me to be strong for ME!
I love this video, ESPECIALLY the “you make me feel” part. (about 18 minutes in) I came to this realization the hard way but if you can start practicing it now you will be better for it.
The only thing I would add is when you say “you make me feel” you open the door for the denial of your feelings. Even when dealing with someone who isn’t toxic, it’s human nature to become defensive when someone accuses you of something. If you say “I feel” it takes away the power to deny or or manipulate what you are trying to communicate. I try to take away the “you do this, or you do that” out of most conversations.
Certain people will still try to manipulate the way you feel, especially when you are admitting a vulnerability. But by owning your vulnerabilities you take away their ability to own them.
When you do that a toxic person will probably still try to manipulate, but you took away their power. They will likely make themselves look ridiculous.
Thank you, doctor very much
Your videos are life changer since Jony Depp and Amber's court hearings
I finally realised what I went thru from my early childhood till now
And you've saved me
I'm a survivor. My children are survivors.
I wish that one day we will thrive
This teaching is also what we need to clean up the impossibility of the right and left delusion and pain we have under the government even at that level.
Thank you for this clarification! I gray rock my narcissistic husband about 98% of the time now, but if I do push back, I always feel like a failure. ❤
Hope you plan your escape
OMG this is wonderful to hear Ramani. My manager has narc traits at least and I find her aggressive and passive aggressive communication unacceptable so tell her not to talk with me like that... Hearing a rationale for my reactions makes me feel validated and helps me understand my responses clearly. My manager thinks it’s me who is at fault, not her, and has suggested I need to behave better. The many times she has not listened, denied what she has said, been dominating and totally lacking in collaborative dialogue is a big issue for me and my colleagues. Thank you, I can develop my communication with her regarding boundaries more confidently and calmly now. And I can be more confident in selecting when to respond and when to ignore her irrational behaviour.
I became so frustrated on a vacation we took the narc on. We set boundaries prior to trip about a lot of complaining, but it was constant. Chaos from beginning of trip to the end. I finally had it and said enough! Then that’s when the passive aggressive mean comments started and now they’re the victim.
Oh my gosh, vacations with a narc are the worst! Like you said, constant complaining, and chaos the whole time. It's just not enjoyable at all. But if you ask them to stop complaining, suddenly YOU'RE the bad guy, YOU'RE the one with the problem. I have experienced this! After the last time, I decided I will never go on another trip with them.
We might as well just give the narc a get well card. They turn to victim so fast 😮❤❤❤
Yes, and they absolutely have to ruin every vacation. I had my aunt my mother and my husband. They’re all narcissist and I wanted to go on a camping trip with the kids and the only ones that were happy and had any fun with me and the two kids everybody else was miserable and I thought you know what next time I’m going on vacation by myself. I’m not gonna include them anymore because they ruin everything.
I asked for my thankfully previously out of control father for an apology for embarrassing us at the airport. I KNEW why he was dis-regulated too: same reason I was: we both needed to go to the bathroom, but nope! It was a HUGE ego bruising for him, as if I didn't give him the GOLDEN ticket to own up and move on with everyone and leave that nonsense behind!
Even the most gentle, sincere attempts to reconnect with them are seen as defiance of their control. It's madness.
Lately I have learned not reacting, but she found another scapegoat., because there is no narcissistic supply from me. I don't give her anything! And now I have fears what kind of revenge she will make.
And this was how my story with my ex narc unfolded. 2.5 yrs of me losing my cool with my children who were 14 & 16 at the time. I could only handle so much and I am usually very patient but with this guy!!! It drove me bonkers and my mental heath and that of my 2 children's mental health suffered because of it. It kills me to think what i put everyone who knew me through because of him. I blamed myself for not being strong enough. 😢
It’s really sad that we had to get to such a point of confusion & desperation that we had to go online to find out wth was happening to us!
I did.
Even after a few years of therapy and intense listening & study, some of us, (me) still need that permission to express how we feel about being blatantly abused for so long.
Thank you Dr. Ramani for saving & drastically changing my life.
Even geographically!!
You are a force of nature & I thank you & the universe itself for helping so many.
You have left a long, & incredible legacy of healing millions. 🥹🫶🏻
Thank you, Dr. Ramani!❤️
Dr Ramani, your book "its not you" has been an eye opener and helped with so many coping strategies. Thank you !
Once again, you have a video that is right on point.
I now realize that I have been beating myself for pushing back, and said what I have never said, but always wanted to. And it was in text messages conversations after, for once in my relationship with my Vulnerable narcissistic sister, I let her see that I was scared in a life and death situation, during a video chat call.
I was scared because I am in the middle of a War, and was getting frequent messages by our Home Front Command to be prepared for an imminent attack.
In the past, I shielded this sister, if I was nervous or scared, even though she lives in the US, so never has been in this situation.
She twisted my fear into an attack on her. I dared to raise my voice. So obviously I was using an angry voice at her.
She added that her husband agreed with her analysis that I was picking on her!
She sent me reams of texts blasting me.
Instead of ignoring this, I explained.
"My voice was raised because I was scared".
Because I engaged I have been beating myself up.
Now I realize that it is OK if I get sucked into responding during extreme circumstances.
I am actually relieved that she is doing ghosting now. 😂
Thanks, Dr. Ramani, once again.❤
We have a camera system outside, my husband just retired. I'm folding clothes and see him notice the neighbor lady and be lined to talk to her. I laugh to myself .when he comes in he starts telling me the neighbor lady saw him outside and ran over to talk to him. I decided I wasn't letting his lies go anymore so I said oh I saw you running over in the camera. He became so enraged called me out of my name berated me for the cameras. I mean he exploded. But the good is he hits n runs left the whole day. 48 yrs of no accountability. In trauma therapy and I feel the old 13 yr old jayne coming back thank you Dr Romini. ❤❤
You are literally saving my life thank goodness to you ❤❤❤❤you’re amazing