Let me know below: do you think these scripts will come in handy for any gatherings you need to attend? Do you struggle with not wanting to seem rude but also not wanting to answer personal questions? Remember to grab the guide for all the scripts: www.terricole.com/conversational-boundary-scripts-guide
This really landed! I can’t thank you enough for helping us to deal with those awkward moments in conversation. A few things we could also say when asked an inappropriate question: “Ask me something easier.” “Good question.” “Long story.”
Today on the train I witnessed a phone conversation that triggered an emotional flashback. One sister was talking about the Christmas dinner with her sibling and it was just awful. The other person was a vegetarian and the sister pretended that their needs were met because they would serve 3 kinds of veggies. There would be salmon and beef and a potato dish (for mom) but no protein for the vegetarian. And when they objected, there was such disdain, that it freaked me out. Listening to your advice, I suddenly feel empowered and I would know how to stand up to that bullying sister. You are right, there is no excuse for rudeness!
You would not have liked to over- hear the phone call I got years ago inviting me for Christmas lunch. Knowing I was a vegetarian she made a point of informing me that she was cooking a meat roast and that there would be no vegetables except for the potatoes that would be cooked and basted in the roast, and no other vegetables were allowed - everything being served would have meat. Wasn't my sister though, it was my mother. Strange thing was the vegetables only got completely banned after I became a vegetarian. I actually think it's kind of funny in a way and it kind of validated some of my conclusions about her. I tolerated phone contact with her for a bit longer until she got abusive again.
This is so useful. I was just cornered in the hallway while I was locking my door, my one of the resident busybodies asking me which nursing home my partner had moved to. Then, she actually asked whether it was a private vs. city run. It was so very uncomfortable and she did not pick up on my terse one-word answers.😮
Although, at the beginning of this video, Terri mentions these skills being used in “family gatherings” BUT they’re really useable in a all social settings!! Definitely worthy of listening.
Attended a family Hanukkah party over the weekend. I was dreading it because I didn't want to deal with awkward/uncomfortable questions. Since my cancer ordeal, I have developed pre-emptive anxiety ahead of any family gathering, because I have changed A LOT---physically, mentally, emotionally, in every possible way. Over the past year, I have learned the art of ignoring questions I don't want to answer or dismissing rude comments from immediate family members who "should" know better. I know they love me, but our personalities, goals, and values are starkly different and their rude/bizarre comments color my perception of them. Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could all just be loved for who we are, not what we do for a living or what material things we have and not have to be compared to other people... Thanks for another helpful video!🙂
This was great. I always dread seeing distant relatives over the holidays bc of this very reason. Invariably I am hit with a rude-- How much do you weigh, or you've gained/lost weight-- comment out of the blue. And it's always so quick and unexpected I am stunned and don't have a quick comeback. I think I will use-- Why would you say/ask that-- from now on.😂
This is excellent and full of such great advice thank you!! My favorite take away is "why would you say that, why would you ask that" It's the perfect response. I seriously can't wait to use it.
What a timely gift today Terri! I work in the retail sector and people’s boundaries have been awful. Thank you for the strategies to help take authority over these stressful situations.
Oh Terri ur so funny in a cute way 😂 and its so true most people r really not interested in me and i don't understand why the hell i ended up having so many arguments when i could just rush to the toilet and disappear 🙊 i swear i sometimes think too much on what to answer rubbish people
This has all played itself out across the finish line in my life. Some people and family members are too disgusting to do anything but retaliate against any boundary script or will be a serial offender in any case with the enablers encouraging it. After cutting them all out of my life the situation reduced down to a few toxic enablers having to tolerate the bad character because they are now stuck with no one left but the bad apples and the bad apple has no one but the enablers to inflict their bad character on because no one decent hung around to keep having their boundaries violated - and I hear they are not having a good time of it.
I'm sorry to hear that 💕 Have you tried setting boundaries with them and telling them not to ask you what you've eaten, and that it's really none of their business?
Thank you so much ❤ I will be doing a book tour next year (my new book is coming out in October)! You can sign up to my newsletter to stay updated for any live events: terricole.com/newsletter
Hi Terri- what happens if you go to walk away and the person follows you, as they are pathologic boundary steppers? One time I had a narcissist chase after me down the street screaming at the top of her lungs, telling me to hit her. Some people won’t let you have boundaries because it’s all about power and control for those sickos. What would you recommend?
Removing yourself from that situation as quickly as possible and putting distance between you and them. They already showed you they are a boundary destroyer so I would limit their contact to you. ❤️
I have two father figures. My dad.. not as hard to use this on. And my father in law. My father in law and honestly both are very intrusive automatic advise givers. We've learned over time.. that we don't over share. Though focusing in on my father in law. Through mingling he will end up in the huge point conversations disgruntledness about the economy, politics, or other world happening.. and long story short he goes from 0-10 through taking he gets really upset..and starts "kinda yelling" in his frustration and ends up pointing at someone "me" the last few times.. and getting really ruthless in his own dialect of uncomfortablness.. and long story short.. it comes out of nowhere.. and he gets triggered off of anything. I see it as abusive in a way.. I've heard he's kinda considered a "hot head" I only the other hand.. have a really deep ingrain to the 4f's flight is my strongest.. then freeze, then fawn, and then fight. This has gotten worse this last year.. and I really think he had the grouchy old man syndrome of just being intolerable to everything. Terri.. you know me enough to know that I've been working on a lot with myself on boundries and ext.. I am also working on self love, strength and all that.. so I can conquer what I need to, to put him (and others) in there place while being sensitive to those around me. (Empath, people pleaser) And to not put them in a panic. However.. while I keep him at a distance. Because of the big family they have..(my sister in law has 8 kids and in town lol) we see him a lot for birthdays and such. I have leaned to almost always stay clear.. but inevitably he will make his way around to me. He has a strong family and they love deeply and were strong family members when I went through my cancer. However, As I'm leaning he himself isn't toxic..but he himself does carry toxic behaviors. I'm understanding the need to shut down this type of subject before it even gets started..but it's like it's mildly manipulative the way he's goes about it cause he sucks you in kinda. Anyways.. my kids are around him as are my neices and nephews. They know grandpa to "just be that way" and just go about there ways.. however my kids and I are really sensitive to his ruthless behavior and.. even though I kinda know what to do. I get really stuck around him.. and then I miss my opportunity. My kids aren't themselves around him because he is a pungent nit picker.. he has strong boundries.. and asserts them verbally forcefully. (In most times he is just rigid.. won't hurt or demean anyone.. just seeks order) I just want to be respectfully assertive to him. I've learned the power of questing or turning the tables a bit. And like Brene says.. call truth to bullshit but do so respectively. I love that. I think my area I need help on is not what to say initially (or maybe help with that could be useful)..but what to say to his response, after I say what I need to say to start. I can get out the initial part..but how to I follow up after he pushes back? (I have no clue what to expect) I've been tuning into Jefferson Fisher.. my new favorite. He offers very good content to use instantly.. now I just need someone to practice with lol 😄 although it is always hard to decode certain "generic" advise cause everything I deal with feels like something different lol.. he doesn't over question..or even be inappropriate like that.. so I don't have to worry about that much. Just an odd angle from my point of view that I don't know how to go about it.
I am so sorry to hear about your father-in-law behaving this way, Crissy. It can be so exhausting to deal with this stuff. I love Jefferson Fisher's material and think he's a great resource to turn to. ❤ You say that he isn't toxic, but has toxic behaviors. Do you think it would be possible at all to have a conversation with him about this? Your empathy and understanding are clear here- you could possibly tell him you'd love to connect more deeply, but his habit of digging in cuts off any opportunity to build connection, and that you're bummed about it. That addresses the entire situation rather than having to worry about coming up with a response every time. Otherwise, I would start telling him you will walk away if he keeps escalating, especially if you feel it is abusive, and then actually walking away. Doing this means you are setting boundaries and also enforcing consequences, so hopefully he realizes this is really causing harm to the relationship. ❤ I go into consequences in this video: th-cam.com/video/Jrfi24SAIOg/w-d-xo.html
@@terri_cole Thank you so much Terri. It has gotten worse over the past year or so for sure. I like your word usage here and your idea here on a conversation with him. Possibly I could.. it's a big hurtle for me for sure.. but I want to be so much more clear on my boundries and your right.. the stress and agony of always having to come up with something would be much harder then just telling him my truth. I'll definitely tune in to your link you included. I always appreciate your feedback Terri. Definitely hard situations..lol
All of this makes sense but what if 'Uncle Bob' is persistent and keeps on asking uncomfortable questions? Should I just go ahead and lie? What do you suggest?
I may have mentioned this in the video but the 'out' I recommend is excusing yourself to the restroom. It's very unlikely anyone would follow you and hopefully, they'll find someone else to talk with while you're gone. Remember to use body language, too! This video specifically deals with inappropriate question askers as well: th-cam.com/video/P_NoE23HZg4/w-d-xo.html
Dear Terri, if you see this, please tell me, when your partner says i met you when you had this body( curvy 60kgs) and but because now you are so thin (43kg - i lost kilos due to mental anxiety disorder and family/health trauma), i dont want to have sex with you until you get back in shape. And he means it. He has not chased me for sex for 8 years now. We are together 10. Ichase him, and it happens very rare ( 10 times year max). And i am only 30 and he is 36. What is that? His boundary or control? Or something else that i cant find the words for? I admit i didnt try do get back in shape until now, i assume its because i wasn't feeling ready to try
I'm sorry to hear about your situation. ❤️ Your partner is basically saying that their desire for you is conditional, which is painful. I think you have to decide how you feel about it. How are the other parts of your relationship? Do you feel understood, valued, important? If so, perhaps this is worth working on if you want to change your shape. If the other parts of the relationship are less than satisfying, you may have other work to do or you may choose to change your situation.
Let me know below: do you think these scripts will come in handy for any gatherings you need to attend? Do you struggle with not wanting to seem rude but also not wanting to answer personal questions? Remember to grab the guide for all the scripts: www.terricole.com/conversational-boundary-scripts-guide
Hello Terri, I would love to have the boundary scripts guide but there is a 404 error when I click on the link. Please could the link be fixed?
Gone no contact, but wanted to change if possible and create rock solid boundaries.thank you. 🤍
This really landed! I can’t thank you enough for helping us to deal with those awkward moments in conversation. A few things we could also say when asked an inappropriate question:
“Ask me something easier.”
“Good question.”
“Long story.”
Today on the train I witnessed a phone conversation that triggered an emotional flashback. One sister was talking about the Christmas dinner with her sibling and it was just awful. The other person was a vegetarian and the sister pretended that their needs were met because they would serve 3 kinds of veggies. There would be salmon and beef and a potato dish (for mom) but no protein for the vegetarian. And when they objected, there was such disdain, that it freaked me out.
Listening to your advice, I suddenly feel empowered and I would know how to stand up to that bullying sister.
You are right, there is no excuse for rudeness!
I am so glad you feel empowered and ready to handle that kind of situation after watching ❤❤
You would not have liked to over- hear the phone call I got years ago inviting me for Christmas lunch. Knowing I was a vegetarian she made a point of informing me that she was cooking a meat roast and that there would be no vegetables except for the potatoes that would be cooked and basted in the roast, and no other vegetables were allowed - everything being served would have meat. Wasn't my sister though, it was my mother. Strange thing was the vegetables only got completely banned after I became a vegetarian. I actually think it's kind of funny in a way and it kind of validated some of my conclusions about her. I tolerated phone contact with her for a bit longer until she got abusive again.
This is so useful. I was just cornered in the hallway while I was locking my door, my one of the resident busybodies asking me which nursing home my partner had moved to. Then, she actually asked whether it was a private vs. city run. It was so very uncomfortable and she did not pick up on my terse one-word answers.😮
Yikes, I am sorry to hear that, Karen ❤ I hope these scripts can help you avoid this situation with this person in the future!
Sorry to hear that as a caregiver I find people judging me so much. Sending you all the good vibes🎉
Family stuff is so awkward. I prep for the beating days in advance. Sounds like I’ll be in the bathroom a lot. 😅
I am so sorry to hear that, Leslie. Family can be really tough to deal with ❤
Queen of Boundaries 🤲🏽♥
You know it! ❤
Although, at the beginning of this video, Terri mentions these skills being used in “family gatherings” BUT they’re really useable in a all social settings!! Definitely worthy of listening.
Thank youu ❤
Attended a family Hanukkah party over the weekend. I was dreading it because I didn't want to deal with awkward/uncomfortable questions. Since my cancer ordeal, I have developed pre-emptive anxiety ahead of any family gathering, because I have changed A LOT---physically, mentally, emotionally, in every possible way. Over the past year, I have learned the art of ignoring questions I don't want to answer or dismissing rude comments from immediate family members who "should" know better. I know they love me, but our personalities, goals, and values are starkly different and their rude/bizarre comments color my perception of them. Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could all just be loved for who we are, not what we do for a living or what material things we have and not have to be compared to other people...
Thanks for another helpful video!🙂
It would be wonderful, Birdie ❤ I feel you and see you on this, too.
@@terri_cole Thanks, Terri!💕
This was great. I always dread seeing distant relatives over the holidays bc of this very reason. Invariably I am hit with a rude-- How much do you weigh, or you've gained/lost weight-- comment out of the blue. And it's always so quick and unexpected I am stunned and don't have a quick comeback.
I think I will use-- Why would you say/ask that-- from now on.😂
That sounds like a good plan for such intrusive questions! ❤
This is excellent and full of such great advice thank you!! My favorite take away is "why would you say that, why would you ask that" It's the perfect response. I seriously can't wait to use it.
Right on, Denise!
Love love love your content. Taking those small steps and having more grace for myself
I am so happy to hear you love my content 💕
Boundary Boss 🎉
What a timely gift today Terri! I work in the retail sector and people’s boundaries have been awful. Thank you for the strategies to help take authority over these stressful situations.
I'm sorry to hear people's boundaries have been awful and I hope these scripts help ❤
Just bought the Boundary Boss Worktop 😊 Thank you Terry 🙏🏻
Thank you so much ❤ I hope you enjoy it!
Thank you!!!!
You're so welcome!
Thank you so much Terri! I found these tips and information very helpful!❤❤❤
So glad to hear it! ❤
Oh Terri ur so funny in a cute way 😂 and its so true most people r really not interested in me and i don't understand why the hell i ended up having so many arguments when i could just rush to the toilet and disappear 🙊 i swear i sometimes think too much on what to answer rubbish people
You are so not alone here ❤
This has all played itself out across the finish line in my life. Some people and family members are too disgusting to do anything but retaliate against any boundary script or will be a serial offender in any case with the enablers encouraging it. After cutting them all out of my life the situation reduced down to a few toxic enablers having to tolerate the bad character because they are now stuck with no one left but the bad apples and the bad apple has no one but the enablers to inflict their bad character on because no one decent hung around to keep having their boundaries violated - and I hear they are not having a good time of it.
I'm glad you've been able to remove these types of people from your life to protect yourself ❤
You are so awesome!
💕
Hi Terri so nice I found you. I really appreciate your videos. I need this information ❤
I appreciate you being here ❤
Family often asks what I ate. If I lost weight, I'm starving myself. If I gained, I must be eating terrible.
I'm sorry to hear that 💕 Have you tried setting boundaries with them and telling them not to ask you what you've eaten, and that it's really none of their business?
i was searching about this subject ❤ thanks
❤❤
I appreciate all you do. Do you do live talks/tour?
Thank you so much ❤ I will be doing a book tour next year (my new book is coming out in October)! You can sign up to my newsletter to stay updated for any live events: terricole.com/newsletter
Hi Terri- what happens if you go to walk away and the person follows you, as they are pathologic boundary steppers? One time I had a narcissist chase after me down the street screaming at the top of her lungs, telling me to hit her. Some people won’t let you have boundaries because it’s all about power and control for those sickos. What would you recommend?
Removing yourself from that situation as quickly as possible and putting distance between you and them. They already showed you they are a boundary destroyer so I would limit their contact to you. ❤️
I have two father figures. My dad.. not as hard to use this on. And my father in law. My father in law and honestly both are very intrusive automatic advise givers. We've learned over time.. that we don't over share. Though focusing in on my father in law. Through mingling he will end up in the huge point conversations disgruntledness about the economy, politics, or other world happening.. and long story short he goes from 0-10 through taking he gets really upset..and starts "kinda yelling" in his frustration and ends up pointing at someone "me" the last few times.. and getting really ruthless in his own dialect of uncomfortablness.. and long story short.. it comes out of nowhere.. and he gets triggered off of anything. I see it as abusive in a way.. I've heard he's kinda considered a "hot head" I only the other hand.. have a really deep ingrain to the 4f's flight is my strongest.. then freeze, then fawn, and then fight. This has gotten worse this last year.. and I really think he had the grouchy old man syndrome of just being intolerable to everything. Terri.. you know me enough to know that I've been working on a lot with myself on boundries and ext.. I am also working on self love, strength and all that.. so I can conquer what I need to, to put him (and others) in there place while being sensitive to those around me. (Empath, people pleaser) And to not put them in a panic. However.. while I keep him at a distance. Because of the big family they have..(my sister in law has 8 kids and in town lol) we see him a lot for birthdays and such. I have leaned to almost always stay clear.. but inevitably he will make his way around to me. He has a strong family and they love deeply and were strong family members when I went through my cancer. However, As I'm leaning he himself isn't toxic..but he himself does carry toxic behaviors. I'm understanding the need to shut down this type of subject before it even gets started..but it's like it's mildly manipulative the way he's goes about it cause he sucks you in kinda. Anyways.. my kids are around him as are my neices and nephews. They know grandpa to "just be that way" and just go about there ways.. however my kids and I are really sensitive to his ruthless behavior and.. even though I kinda know what to do. I get really stuck around him.. and then I miss my opportunity. My kids aren't themselves around him because he is a pungent nit picker.. he has strong boundries.. and asserts them verbally forcefully. (In most times he is just rigid.. won't hurt or demean anyone.. just seeks order) I just want to be respectfully assertive to him. I've learned the power of questing or turning the tables a bit. And like Brene says.. call truth to bullshit but do so respectively. I love that. I think my area I need help on is not what to say initially (or maybe help with that could be useful)..but what to say to his response, after I say what I need to say to start. I can get out the initial part..but how to I follow up after he pushes back? (I have no clue what to expect) I've been tuning into Jefferson Fisher.. my new favorite. He offers very good content to use instantly.. now I just need someone to practice with lol 😄 although it is always hard to decode certain "generic" advise cause everything I deal with feels like something different lol.. he doesn't over question..or even be inappropriate like that.. so I don't have to worry about that much. Just an odd angle from my point of view that I don't know how to go about it.
I am so sorry to hear about your father-in-law behaving this way, Crissy. It can be so exhausting to deal with this stuff. I love Jefferson Fisher's material and think he's a great resource to turn to. ❤ You say that he isn't toxic, but has toxic behaviors. Do you think it would be possible at all to have a conversation with him about this? Your empathy and understanding are clear here- you could possibly tell him you'd love to connect more deeply, but his habit of digging in cuts off any opportunity to build connection, and that you're bummed about it. That addresses the entire situation rather than having to worry about coming up with a response every time. Otherwise, I would start telling him you will walk away if he keeps escalating, especially if you feel it is abusive, and then actually walking away. Doing this means you are setting boundaries and also enforcing consequences, so hopefully he realizes this is really causing harm to the relationship. ❤ I go into consequences in this video: th-cam.com/video/Jrfi24SAIOg/w-d-xo.html
@@terri_cole Thank you so much Terri. It has gotten worse over the past year or so for sure. I like your word usage here and your idea here on a conversation with him. Possibly I could.. it's a big hurtle for me for sure.. but I want to be so much more clear on my boundries and your right.. the stress and agony of always having to come up with something would be much harder then just telling him my truth.
I'll definitely tune in to your link you included. I always appreciate your feedback Terri. Definitely hard situations..lol
All of this makes sense but what if 'Uncle Bob' is persistent and keeps on asking uncomfortable questions? Should I just go ahead and lie? What do you suggest?
I may have mentioned this in the video but the 'out' I recommend is excusing yourself to the restroom. It's very unlikely anyone would follow you and hopefully, they'll find someone else to talk with while you're gone. Remember to use body language, too!
This video specifically deals with inappropriate question askers as well: th-cam.com/video/P_NoE23HZg4/w-d-xo.html
You are the only TH-camr I know who replies to all the comments. Looking forward to your upcoming videos. 🙌
Dear Terri, if you see this, please tell me, when your partner says i met you when you had this body( curvy 60kgs) and but because now you are so thin (43kg - i lost kilos due to mental anxiety disorder and family/health trauma), i dont want to have sex with you until you get back in shape. And he means it. He has not chased me for sex for 8 years now. We are together 10. Ichase him, and it happens very rare ( 10 times year max). And i am only 30 and he is 36. What is that? His boundary or control? Or something else that i cant find the words for? I admit i didnt try do get back in shape until now, i assume its because i wasn't feeling ready to try
I'm sorry to hear about your situation. ❤️ Your partner is basically saying that their desire for you is conditional, which is painful. I think you have to decide how you feel about it. How are the other parts of your relationship? Do you feel understood, valued, important? If so, perhaps this is worth working on if you want to change your shape. If the other parts of the relationship are less than satisfying, you may have other work to do or you may choose to change your situation.
Thank you ❤️ Is desire for a partner meant to be conditional? I mean we desire someone based on our conditions/criteria… so is normal or not?