Boundary Setting Success: How You Say It Matters (Examples Inside) - Terri Cole
ฝัง
- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 24 ก.ค. 2024
- Do you find yourself exploding when you finally set boundaries because you waited too long to communicate them?
Is it difficult for you to assert your preferences and desires?
Or does it feel like you can’t control your tone of voice or the energy you bring to a boundary conversation?
If this resonates, you are not alone. Many of my clients and students experience these challenges. And while it might feel like setting boundaries is ineffective right now, this does not have to be where your boundary journey begins and ends.
Because I see this so often, this entire episode is about bringing the appropriate tone and body language to the boundary-setting process. You’ll also get proactive boundary success steps to ensure your tone and body language match what you say and how you want it to be received.
Grab the guide here: www.terricole.com/boundary-se...
Time Stamps
0:00 - Introduction
2:46 - What energy do you bring to your boundaries?
5:30 - The importance of tone when setting boundaries
7:40 - Creating a proactive boundary success plan
10:37 - Visualize setting your boundary
12:11 - Boundary setting is a lifelong practice
14:33 - Coming up with words to express your boundaries
18:18 - What to tell yourself before setting a boundary
If You Enjoyed This, Watch These Videos
• How to Create Conseque... - How to Create Consequences for Repeat Boundary Violations
• The 5 Foundational Bou... - The 5 Foundational Boundaries for Epic Relationships
• How to Set Boundaries ... - How to Set Boundaries With Parents At Any Age
• How to Set Boundaries ... - How to Set Boundaries At Work
• What is your Boundary ... - What is Your Boundary Blueprint?
About Terri Cole
Terri Cole is a licensed psychotherapist, global relationship and empowerment expert, and the author of Boundary Boss-The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen and (Finally) Live Free.
For over two decades, Terri has worked with a diverse group of clients that includes everyone from stay-at-home moms to celebrities and Fortune 500 CEOs.
She has a gift for making complex psychological concepts accessible and actionable so that clients and students achieve sustainable change. She inspires over 450,000 people weekly through her blog, social media platform, signature courses, and her popular podcast, The Terri Cole Show. For more, see www.terricole.com/
Connect With Me
Instagram: terricole.com/ig
Community: terricole.com/vip
FB Page: terricole.com/fb
FB Group: terricole.com/fbg
Podcast: terricole.com/itunes
Resources to Check out
Boundary Boss Book: boundarybossbook.com/
Boundary Boss Bootcamp, my 8-week signature course, is carefully constructed to take you to the next level of empowerment in all your personal + professional relationships using a positive and proactive boundary skillset that no one ever taught you. Until now: terricole.com/boundarybootcamp
BetterHelp: betterhelp.com/terricole
I’m not currently taking any new one-on-one therapy or coaching clients, but highly recommend using BetterHelp to find a therapist that fits your needs. As a team, we have fully vetted BetterHelp's resources. If you choose to sign up for Better Help's service, I will receive a commission on the referral but please know that I only recommend services that I know & trust.
www.terricole.com/gethelp/ -- If you are in a crisis or any other person may be in danger the resources on this page can provide you with immediate help.
#terricoleshow #boundaries #boundariesarehealthy
What is your tone often like when you go to set a boundary? Do you think it matches your words? Is there another way you might approach setting a boundary after watching this? Let me know, and don't forget to download the guide: www.terricole.com/boundary-setting-success-guide
Or. That. People. Call. You. A. Bitch.
My problem with slowing down is that the people I struggle with interrupt quickly and I never get a chance to let my words or my point “land” but I can work through that with practice as well. Thanks 🙏🏾.
Interrupters are frustrating, and I'm sorry you're experiencing that ❤️ You might try and say, "Hey, wait a second please. I wasn't done and I would appreciate you letting me finish saying what I need to say, and then I'm all ears for you." If it is someone you feel safe enough to say this to, you can also add, "This is difficult for me to say and I would appreciate you giving me time to form the words because it is important to me that this lands well."
I needed to understand this as a guy/veteran, who is easily irritated by boundary violations, whether I’ve communicated or not. I realize now that my irritation doesn’t get the point across effectively; it only shows that I’m thin-skinned and that it is easy to push my buttons. (Ignoring doesn’t necessarily work either.)
I guess that firstly it’s about letting people know your boundaries and doing it in a calm way.
today I realised that while I know setting boundaries is important I just didn't know how to go about communicating them.. this video is RIGHT ON TIME. Thank you Terri
So happy to hear that, Nisha ❤️
I'm very very nervous when the bully comes at me. I feel so empowered. Thanks Terri ❤
omg I am so thankful that you've posted this, as I've not seen any other videos addressing this particular issue before. My parents didn't protect or defend me as a child. I got blamed for everything, even when it was the adults' fault. So I didn't know what "boundary setting" looked like in parenting, or how to do it effectively, while raising my own two sons. I literally watched how pretend families interacting on TV for my cue on "appropriate reactions and boundaries" -- how sad is that? Despite my failings, my boys have grown into wonderful grown men now, and we talk quite openly about their childhood - where their dad and I went wrong, and where we went right. We all agree that I was waaaay over the top when it came to fighting their corner. It sounds awful to say, but it didn't come naturally, and I fought against this constantly while the boys were growing up. I didn't want my boys to feel the way I did as a child -- alone and defenseless against the world. One of my main goals was to make them feel that their mother had their back.... but I didn't know how to do it, so I overcompensated with awkward, angry, aggressive pushbacks, way beyond what was appropriate for the situation. Rather than making my kids feel safe and supported, I frightened or embarrassed them instead. I carry a great deal of guilt and sadness about this. Defending myself is less important than being a good defender of my children (even though they're adults), so that they have a genuine feeling that their mother is always on their side, that we're a team and they can count on me. It's become slightly easier over time, but it's still not 'automatic'. Thank you for addressing this issue.
I am witnessing you with so much compassion ❤️ Thank you for sharing.
And thank you for having us ❤
❤️❤️
so love this... my major issue
I need this so much, as I also struggle with being On the ASD side/adhd. Nothing worse than being gaslight most of my life.
Long journey home. Thank you Teri.
A work in progress. 💚
❤️
I was a model for New Image in Richmond BC in the 90s, so I can totally picture the job you used to do. Wow. Modelling made me feel like nothing more than a hanger. I needed to be the Creator not the hanger. So I went on to create my own historic sewing business from home. That was very fulfilling, while it lasted. I also upload content here. I've had this channel since 2006. It's one constant in my life and something I'm proud of actually. I have never cancelled my Channel, or had a different Channel, this one only the whole time.
I see you and feel you ❤️ Way to go on the channel!
I loved the examples and its relatable. I'm very timid as I grew up with a controlling mother. My energy is very low and screws my boundaries
I am witnessing you with compassion, GD ❤️
I had many explosive episodes this week and we haven't even reached midweek yet 😒... I am one of those people who wait long enough to communicate my boundaries that by the time I do set my limits I'm already fed up 🥺
You are so not alone ❤️
Do not blame yourself! You have good manners and peopletake it the wrong way- tell them, call them out.
It’s obvious to me that you use your own advice. ☀️😎
I found you from the”I’ve had it” podcast and it was by far my favorite. So insightful and resourceful, thank you.
Welcome! So glad to have you ❤️
Thanks for putting keen words to these weird human dynamics!!!!!!💚💚💚
So glad it was helpful! ❤️
Nailed it again Terri. I so need to align my tone and body in trying to seek the best end result for all parties involved. I am not that fragile! Slowing down will be helpful too.
You are definitely not that fragile, Lisa ❤️ You got this!
Thank you Terri💝
Thank you for the calm wisdom you bring to the table. I appreciate you so much
I appreciate you being here! ❤️
I have found my overall tone in speaking with people about serious topics can be unemotional and direct/curt. Some of my closets friends and husband share that same communication style- dry, witty, sarcastic - which I find refreshing because it reduces petty mind games. But when it comes to people who find that style/vibe "aggressive" (most other females in my experience), I go into the conversation about boundaries and feelings with a handicap. If I try to be something different, it will give off a vibe that might seem disingenuous or theatrical...because it would be.
One of your best yet, Terri! Loving the book, too. ❤
❤️❤️❤️
Thank you. There is no too much on boundaries tooic. I see how so much I achieve came with practice.
Thank you
Thank you so much, Terri. I really needed to hear this today. My whole system feels more settled now. Your presence feels so grounded...grounded in the knowing of our right to take care of ourselves and set boundaries, even when it may be difficult for others, which is their right to feel that way, too. Grateful to you for sharing your wisdom with us.
❤️❤️❤️
I would like to thank you so much for this episode.
I recently wanted to share a problem with a coworker, we are teachers at primary school.
I wanted to express myself and my worries concerning my 14 and1/2 year old daughter who faced bullying to this coworker.
There were some new and young teachers in front. We are the experienced ones carrying a 30 year or more experience on our back.
The problem was that in the meantime we had to sign some papers and he was responsible of getting them signed.
So after him giving two important points about the situation, he said "You can talk and sign at the same time".
Then I saw him making a gesture of the type" Come on finish off with these papers, you 're talking up my time".
Generally when I talk to him about things that have to do with our students or other matters he nods as if "Come on say it quickly".
I felt so embarrassed by him and as it was the last day of school we said a few things about how the school year went .
When my turn came to talk I was so tensed that I could not talk. Finally I gained the courage to continue and finish what I wanted to say.
The next day we had to sign some other papers . This person had the responsibility of the signatures again.
So I said angrily:"Be sure that you do not call many persons to sign at the same time because yesterday I saw your gesture".
I saw that there were two or more coworkers to sign and he said , I think, ironically:"Do you need more time to sign the papers? "
I said I was going to do it later, I left the room and I signed them talking my time.
Meanwhile wherever I saw him I would leave.
I am witnessing you with compassion ❤️ It sounds like boundaries with this coworker may be helpful if this behavior continues next year.
Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom and experience about this topic, now I feel like I really have some ground under my feet when thinking about future conversations🙏
That makes me so happy to hear, Karin ❤️
Thank you Terri! This step by step guide is priceless!!! So helpful!!! My tone is probably tense when I try to set a boundary, probably because I'm dreading the possible response... now that I have a map to follow from this video, I will definitely be more mindful of my words, tone, and body language, etc. I have a few boundaries to set this week, and I feel better already after watching this video... thank you Terri, be well!
Thank you for sharing that, and I'm so glad it was helpful ❤️
New and grateful 😇
So glad to have you here!
@terri cole , this is so helpful being an HSP . And you are so beautiful and pretty, so calming to watch you speak ! 😊❤
Thank you, so glad it was helpful! ❤️
I do try to start a conversation being aware of the other person's state of mind and do it with kindness. When that person automatically takes it as I'm insulting them and starts getting defensive I still proceed with caution so to speak but if they keep on then all bets are off and I do lose my temper. I'm sick of being the one trying to talk things out without blaming or getting defensive myself but no one wants to listen to me they automatically think I'm trying to throw them under the bus and truly I am not doing that. I try to treat people like I want to be treated and it always backfires! As I've said before I've stepped back and let these types of personalities gather together but please leave me out of it!!! I'm tired of trying!
I am witnessing you with compassion ❤️ There are some people with whom we cannot set boundaries, no matter how eloquently we state them. I call them boundary destroyers.
@@terri_cole ❤️❤️
Terri, I gotta confess, I slow the speed a little when listening to your audio book. I just wanna make sure I'm hearing you and letting it sink in. So glad you narrate it yourself!
Thank you so much, Peggy ❤️ Hope you're enjoying it!
@@terri_cole love it! Can't wait for your new book. 😍
I was able to do this well in writing, but then my mother insisted on a phone call where she dragged my grandmother into thinhs and i lost it....not terribly, but i shouted when she was shouting me down.
That sounds like a difficult situation, especially since your grandmother's presence was unexpected!
So, the question becomes, “How do we get and stay in good vibrations?”
Meditation.
True for me!
The words are... even if you say it right. Why some people are so defensive? That makes me wonder..... even if you are clear.
It might be that people aren't used to having these types of conversations. Change can also be threatening. When we start setting boundaries, it's an attempt to create a new dance/dynamic that the people in our life aren't used to.
Are you allowed to be angry if what they have done is worth being angry about? Sometimes people misinterpret calmness as not really setting consequences for bad actions.
Your tone of voice and being calm does not need to undermine your boundaries or consequences as long as you clearly state and stick to them. Hope that helps ❤️
I have a friend who is narcissistic and acts entitled and is habitually late to functions without a text or call saying he will be late. Everyone else excuses this behavior saying that this person is just like that. I find it extremely rude and changes the whole tone of the gathering. I’m going to have to be the one setting a boundary. The last time we had a dinner party he was well over an hour late with no notice. I cleared the table, put the food up and washed the dishes. He finally showed up with no apology for being late or explanation. Other members of the family said to go and find the food and fix a plate. I promptly told him the kitchen was closed and that there were fast food restaurants down the street. Needless to say that didn’t go over well with him and later the other members of the party said I was being too harsh. I’m curious to what your opinion is.
I am so sorry you're dealing with this. ❤️ I have a video on how to set consequences here that might be helpful: th-cam.com/video/Jrfi24SAIOg/w-d-xo.html I would say something like, "I would appreciate it if you let me know when you're going to be more than 15 minutes late. If you do not, then I will move on with dinner and you will need to find your own food." You're setting the expectation and then following through, and if you want, you can let your friends know he was warned beforehand.
❤
❤️
Lately because I'm not interested I've started burning family photos. Literally, every time I try shopping online I have potentially someone like you playing with my mental health.
The minute I sit down calmly and without malice (consciously being ready, clear, and not upset) and start speaking my request for a boundary, the other person*, immediately interrupts me and says some version of this: "Stop with your BS psycho-babble shit from your TH-cam videos, what do you what?" with hostility. And then, it instantly moves into tearing down my attempt to even make any request. I keep at it, and not meekly. it's exhausting. And this is not a divorcable person, I'd do it in a second! 😅😅
I am not sure what your situation is, but it sounds like someone who is not interested in how you feel, which is a big block to resolving anything. If they are immediately defensive, writing a note or an email instead of doing it face to face might provoke less of an explosive response. Good luck! ❤️
@Terri Cole Thank you, Terri.
How to tell someone that if they don't, at the very least, acknowledge birthdays and Christmases, that you won't be able to continue the relationship?
Perhaps you can do it from the point of view of what's important to you, saying that them acknowledging your birthday and exchanging gifts for Christmas is very important to you- would they be willing to partake even though it might not be their thing. ❤️
@@terri_cole maybe I'm just being too rigid. The friend did write to me during our forest fire evacuation, to check on me, then neglected Xmas and my birthday in April. But Birthdays and Christmas are the most lonely times. Perhaps I should have explained that to her in advance. She has people all around her all the time so she has no idea. Plus I've always been more desirous of a relationship with her than she has of me. But when I see her, I realize how little we have in common, then I forget. I think I probably fear being left out more than is healthy, and this brings about a catch-22. I think it has something to do with control. Abandonment and control together. Ive got to learn to just let people do what they do.
What happened to your right thumb? Black mark…