Did I answer your boundary question in this video? Which one did you need to hear the most? Are there any other boundary Qs I can answer for you? Remember to grab the guide for a simple process to begin setting boundaries with confidence: www.terricole.com/top-8-boundary-questions-guide
This may be way too late but I’m curious your take on boundaries with in-laws, whom you deeply love and care for & have been in your life for over 2 decades, after a divorce, when their son had an affair and left for the the woman.
I used to buy my friend's kids expensive pressie. My friend's husband kindly requested that I not do this. I was happy to honour my friend's boundary. Now, we are more honest with our boundaries in the relationship. Boundaries can definitely support better relationships.
I definitely got the message in childhood that I needed to do for everyone else but if I had a need, my mom made sure to express how selfish and "unchristian" I was. My anxiety disorder was treated as me being unappreciative of my parents and Jesus
This is insane , mine also brings up the fact that I will go to hell if I dishonor my parents, I'm 22 and my mom controls me full on she is always saying I need to build trust to just be able to drive with someone even though I haven't broken the trust and if I say no to her I'm disrespectful and she says
I ❤ Q4. As an INFJ, sometimes the “door slam” is my first go to. I need to learn that it doesn’t have to be if I would just prioritize myself and my boundaries. Thanks for this, it helped a lot! 🥰
Thanks for so consistently healing the planet. It’s always a good day when Terri drops a video. Very grateful for your deliverance, can’t wait for the workbook,everyone can always use more scripts.
So nice to have those questions answered. I am a co-dependant and have worked on myself for several years. I am much better in respecting myself . This vidéo is very helpfull for me to continue protecting my boundaries and continue in seeing where i still need to keep a watch. Thank you
Thank you for your videos. They have been very helpful. It’s only recently that I came to realize how codependent I was growing up in my family. I was always trying to keep the peace. I have a very difficult time with conflict and am trying to learn to stop reacting with the fight or flight response.
Setting a boundary as a child meant being beaten by my father for being “disobedient” and receiving the 😮silent treatment from my mother because her “peace and quiet” was disturbed. She never protected us from her very abusive husband. She avoided conflict at all cost and would throw us under the bus at any given opportunity. Needless to say I became invisible as an adult and married a narcissist. When he tried to hit me, I filed for divorce. My father has gif me enough to last a few lifetimes. No man will ever hit me again. If that means divorce, getting the police involved, so it may be. Physical abuse and cheating are non negotiables . You do it and we are done. There is no second chance, I don’t want to hear why you did it. You pack your stuff, get out of my house and I change the locks.
I’m new to your channel and just started your Boundary Boss book, thank you. I actually just had my first victory in asking for what I wanted and getting it. I’ve had boundary issues with this person taking advantage of me & it didn’t happen this time. Wow, what a wonderful feeling to have control of this today. I realize it’s only the first, it helps give me the courage to assert myself again when the time comes.
What I really found fascinating about this book . A lot of things that are in this book stories have actually happened to me as well . I’m finally ready to tell my mom it’s not ok to steal your children’s clothes when you don’t want them to wear something or to tell a landlord to steal clothes she doesn’t want you to wear . I especially loved the story about the husband who made his wife a reallly fattening cake just so he could stop his wife from achieving her weight loss goals been there done that kinda made me laugh .
Thank you so much for this video! It describes me in a nutshell! I am working on my lack of boundary setting and find that at the core of why I do this is a lack of self-esteem and self-love. I will be purchasing your book at my local Barnes & Noble today. When do you expect your workbook to be out? Thank you, Mary
Thank you so much, Mary, and you are so not alone. ❤️ The workbook is coming out next Tuesday, October 31 in the US and Canada! It comes out a few months later for other countries.
Terri! Can’t wait for the workbook! Your TH-cam advice on boundaries has helped me the past few months quietly walk into another room when things get hairy without having to even make a statement that could be perceived as challenging, and without having to control or manage anyone else’s behavior. Practice pays off. Consistency about this has seen my husband drastically cut down on his swearing around the house and in front of the kids (which they got kicked out of summer camp for at the tender ages of 6 and 5). Those are results you can take to the bank, girl! If he needs ti swear like the sailor he was, he can follow me into the other room, we can close the door and he can let that tongue loose all he needs. You k ow what I’m realizing? Some people in general - the bigger the audience or reaction they get, the more of a fuss they put up, the bigger their show. If I’m the audience, I can neutralize myself by vanishing or minimizing their level of contact with me in those moments. It doesn’t have to be dramatic. Or loud. If they want to act unseemly, they can be my guest, but I’ll be in the other room until they can communicate with grace and dignity. Keeping myself safe, with your help, Pretty Lady. Thank you!
Im in the UK. Just ordered the workbook through Blackwells.😊😊 Looking forward to receiving it in December!❤❤ Terri, I get emotional or angry when i try to set a boundary. Why is this and How can i change it? Also my partner is conflict avoidant and wont live together because we disagree about things sometimes. I try to tell him conflict is normal but in his upbringing his parents never argued! So he thinks im wrong about this. Thank you ❤❤
Thank you so much ❤️ It is very normal to get emotional when first setting boundaries. Think of it as a new language - it's hard at first! Many of us have gone years putting ourselves last, and finally asking for what we need can bring up a lot. I have ideas on what to do in this video: th-cam.com/video/VSy1yzvAF0w/w-d-xo.html As you pointed out, if conflict wasn't something your partner ever experienced, it makes sense he might be uncomfortable with it. I would look into couple's therapy if it's affordable for you both to explore that in a safe environment. If it's not- is your partner willing to learn how to navigate conflict? There are lots of videos out there on the topic and it might be helpful for him to hear it from multiple sources. I personally do not think it is possible to live a fulfilling life AND avoid conflict. Conflict, or working it out (which sounds less scary to some people) is part of life and having relationships. ❤️
Thank you for this. One question I have is about boundaries and sharing expectations (silent agreements). If someone has crossed a boundary that you never shared with them, but you feel you should not have to share, like overtly flirting with your partner, is it okay to distance yourself without sharing why? I have had friends that do certain things that make me feel like they’re not a good person or at least not someone I want in my life. Unfair?
Great Q! I have a few examples of this in this video: th-cam.com/video/2_SZ1qjF7TY/w-d-xo.html We often talk ourselves out of having boundary conversations and asserting the truth about how we feel under the guise of, “If they were a decent person, they would just know. I shouldn’t have to tell them.” I personally think a lot of times, this is an excuse to avoid having a difficult conversation, and I go into it in that video. However, you do have a right to say you don't want someone in your life if they act a certain way. Maybe flirting with your partner is a friendship dealbreaker for you, and that is your right. But it can also be possible that your friend isn't aware they're doing it or is just unaware it's not okay. (Some couples don't mind flirting.) It depends on how important this friendship is for you. I hope that helps xo
Hi Terri. Thank you for all of your amazing content! How do you deal with setting boundaries with narcissists? My father-in-law lives in a different state, and his behavior in our home creates a lot of conflict between my husband and I when he invites himself to stay in our home due to his rude and sloppy behavior. We both work full-time and have two young children. He acts like a third child (leaving dirty dishes and trash laying around on the table and couch, dropping crumbs all over our furniture, leaving lights on, refusing to put dirty dishes in the dishwasher, he spilled soda on our couch and stuffed the soaked rag that he used to "clean up" in our couch, etc.). Your book and content inspired me to start setting boundaries and refusing to put up with this behavior; however, I have to repeatedly make the same requests over and over again. I feel better saying something than not, but the repeated requests get frustrating also. When my husband tries to set boundaries, he gets the same result, except my father-in-law comes at him with extreme anger for confronting him. My husband thinks that we should just ignore the behavior because he visits us infrequently. How would you handle this?
That sounds exhausting- I am so sorry to hear this is how your father-in-law behaves when visiting. ❤️ Unfortunately, narcissists are often boundary destroyers. They are so driven by their own needs, wants, desires, and agenda that they are oblivious to what other people need. (That's not a justification for their behavior, just the truth.) I think you have a right to feel the way you do, although repeating yourself is often what happens with narcissists because they don't yield. The only thing I can suggest is trying to set consequences with his behavior, if it is safe to do so as you mentioned "extreme anger." As in telling him, "If you continue to act this way when visiting, you will no longer be allowed as a guest in our house." But you and your husband would need to agree on this beforehand, because you need to be ready to enforce it. If your husband wants to maintain a relationship with him, perhaps he can visit him at his house instead? Or are you shouldering a disproportionate load when your father-in-law visits? Would you like more help from your husband in cleaning up after your father in law when he visits? Try thinking of ways the experience could be a little easier on you or your entire family. ❤️
I have started setting boundaries with my family members and I am the one always calling to make sure they were ok. The thing is they stopped calling me and ignoring me and my kids in family parties and this is bothering me a lot. How to fix this?
You might need to have a few direct conversations about it. I know it's hard ❤️ We've done the same dance with our family for the longest time, and when you change that dance, it usually takes them a while to accept it because they still want to do the old dance, if that makes sense. You can tell them how much it's bummed you out because you still care about them, but you also need to do... (whatever your boundary is).
I invite you to take an inventory of the people in your life ❤️ Think about who you feel the most emotionally safe around. Who you can tell the truth to. Who you love spending time with. Who is there for you through the tough times. Who you'd call first in an emergency. Those are the folks in your VIP section, who would be high-priority. Low-priority would be acquaintances, people you might say "hi" to and have small talk with, but wouldn't really drop everything for. They're also people you may not feel 100% emotionally safe with. Maybe they're great party/event/shopping (situational) friends, but your relationship kind of stops there. You can think of it this way, too- the people in your life who are a "HECK YES" for you are your high-priority people. I hope that helps xo
Did I answer your boundary question in this video? Which one did you need to hear the most? Are there any other boundary Qs I can answer for you? Remember to grab the guide for a simple process to begin setting boundaries with confidence: www.terricole.com/top-8-boundary-questions-guide
This may be way too late but I’m curious your take on boundaries with in-laws, whom you deeply love and care for & have been in your life for over 2 decades, after a divorce, when their son had an affair and left for the the woman.
I used to buy my friend's kids expensive pressie. My friend's husband kindly requested that I not do this. I was happy to honour my friend's boundary. Now, we are more honest with our boundaries in the relationship. Boundaries can definitely support better relationships.
🙌🙌🙌
I definitely got the message in childhood that I needed to do for everyone else but if I had a need, my mom made sure to express how selfish and "unchristian" I was. My anxiety disorder was treated as me being unappreciative of my parents and Jesus
😢❤❤
Wow. I had a very similar upbringing. Thank you for sharing. ❤
Damm, that was super manipulative; and guilt driven. I’m so sorry your precious inner child experienced that. ❤️🩹
I am witnessing you with compassion ❤️ Thank you for sharing.
This is insane , mine also brings up the fact that I will go to hell if I dishonor my parents, I'm 22 and my mom controls me full on she is always saying I need to build trust to just be able to drive with someone even though I haven't broken the trust and if I say no to her I'm disrespectful and she says
We don’t have to fear conflict if we learn how to manage it. Phew!
I ❤ Q4. As an INFJ, sometimes the “door slam” is my first go to. I need to learn that it doesn’t have to be if I would just prioritize myself and my boundaries.
Thanks for this, it helped a lot! 🥰
🤗 ❤🙌
Thank you for sharing ❤️
Wow, I love it: personal engagement preferences ❤
Thanks for so consistently healing the planet. It’s always a good day when Terri drops a video.
Very grateful for your deliverance, can’t wait for the workbook,everyone can always use more scripts.
❤️❤️❤️
Terri, you are such a BOSS! Thank you So, So much for all you give us for free! I am eternally grateful for all of your help, reminders and guidance!
Thank you for being here, I appreciate you ❤️❤️
Girl I’m autistic, ADHD, and anxious, I’m GONNA be codependent on people in my life.
So grateful for you Terri....
❤️
I am currently dealing with establishing my boundaries ! It is a work in progress for sure.
Way to go 🙌🙌🙌
So nice to have those questions answered. I am a co-dependant and have worked on myself for several years. I am much better in respecting myself . This vidéo is very helpfull for me to continue protecting my boundaries and continue in seeing where i still need to keep a watch. Thank you
I am so glad it was helpful for you, thank you for sharing ❤️
Thank you for your videos. They have been very helpful. It’s only recently that I came to realize how codependent I was growing up in my family. I was always trying to keep the peace. I have a very difficult time with conflict and am trying to learn to stop reacting with the fight or flight response.
I am witnessing you with compassion and cheering you on while you continue to learn ❤️
Setting a boundary as a child meant being beaten by my father for being “disobedient” and receiving the 😮silent treatment from my mother because her “peace and quiet” was disturbed. She never protected us from her very abusive husband. She avoided conflict at all cost and would throw us under the bus at any given opportunity.
Needless to say I became invisible as an adult and married a narcissist.
When he tried to hit me, I filed for divorce. My father has gif me enough to last a few lifetimes.
No man will ever hit me again. If that means divorce, getting the police involved, so it may be.
Physical abuse and cheating are non negotiables . You do it and we are done. There is no second chance, I don’t want to hear why you did it. You pack your stuff, get out of my house and I change the locks.
Right on 👏👏👏 (and I am so sorry you endured that in childhood ❤️)
I’m new to your channel and just started your Boundary Boss book, thank you. I actually just had my first victory in asking for what I wanted and getting it. I’ve had boundary issues with this person taking advantage of me & it didn’t happen this time. Wow, what a wonderful feeling to have control of this today. I realize it’s only the first, it helps give me the courage to assert myself again when the time comes.
Woohoo so glad to hear this! Way to go 🙌🙌🙌
I had a reading done last night and was recommended to look you up on YT and read Boundry Boss. I look forward to exploring more!
Well hello and welcome, so glad you're here! ❤️
Bullies always make us guilty for a boundary. Its pathetic how the bullies have a boundary but dont want us to draw the line
Ordered, thank you!
😊
❤️❤️❤️
Yes, Thank you Torri for all your videos. So much informations
❤️❤️❤️
What I really found fascinating about this book . A lot of things that are in this book stories have actually happened to me as well . I’m finally ready to tell my mom it’s not ok to steal your children’s clothes when you don’t want them to wear something or to tell a landlord to steal clothes she doesn’t want you to wear . I especially loved the story about the husband who made his wife a reallly fattening cake just so he could stop his wife from achieving her weight loss goals been there done that kinda made me laugh .
Thank you for sharing ❤️ I'm glad you enjoyed the stories!
Thank you so much for this video! It describes me in a nutshell! I am working on my lack of boundary setting and find that at the core of why I do this is a lack of self-esteem and self-love. I will be purchasing your book at my local Barnes & Noble today. When do you expect your workbook to be out? Thank you, Mary
Thank you so much, Mary, and you are so not alone. ❤️ The workbook is coming out next Tuesday, October 31 in the US and Canada! It comes out a few months later for other countries.
You were on fire 🔥 in this video 🎉🎉
AWESOME 🤩 (and a very important topic)
“All the friggin’ time” 😅 that made me lol
lol thank youuuu ❤️❤️
@@terri_cole 😁 🤗 🥰
Terri! Can’t wait for the workbook!
Your TH-cam advice on boundaries has helped me the past few months quietly walk into another room when things get hairy without having to even make a statement that could be perceived as challenging, and without having to control or manage anyone else’s behavior. Practice pays off. Consistency about this has seen my husband drastically cut down on his swearing around the house and in front of the kids (which they got kicked out of summer camp for at the tender ages of 6 and 5).
Those are results you can take to the bank, girl!
If he needs ti swear like the sailor he was, he can follow me into the other room, we can close the door and he can let that tongue loose all he needs.
You k ow what I’m realizing?
Some people in general - the bigger the audience or reaction they get, the more of a fuss they put up, the bigger their show.
If I’m the audience, I can neutralize myself by vanishing or minimizing their level of contact with me in those moments.
It doesn’t have to be dramatic. Or loud. If they want to act unseemly, they can be my guest, but I’ll be in the other room until they can communicate with grace and dignity.
Keeping myself safe, with your help, Pretty Lady. Thank you!
Thank you so much for sharing, and way to go in putting in the work and seeing the results!! ❤️❤️
Im in the UK. Just ordered the workbook through Blackwells.😊😊 Looking forward to receiving it in December!❤❤ Terri, I get emotional or angry when i try to set a boundary. Why is this and How can i change it? Also my partner is conflict avoidant and wont live together because we disagree about things sometimes. I try to tell him conflict is normal but in his upbringing his parents never argued! So he thinks im wrong about this. Thank you ❤❤
Thank you so much ❤️ It is very normal to get emotional when first setting boundaries. Think of it as a new language - it's hard at first! Many of us have gone years putting ourselves last, and finally asking for what we need can bring up a lot. I have ideas on what to do in this video: th-cam.com/video/VSy1yzvAF0w/w-d-xo.html
As you pointed out, if conflict wasn't something your partner ever experienced, it makes sense he might be uncomfortable with it. I would look into couple's therapy if it's affordable for you both to explore that in a safe environment. If it's not- is your partner willing to learn how to navigate conflict? There are lots of videos out there on the topic and it might be helpful for him to hear it from multiple sources. I personally do not think it is possible to live a fulfilling life AND avoid conflict. Conflict, or working it out (which sounds less scary to some people) is part of life and having relationships. ❤️
@terri_cole Thank you so much Terri . That makes so much sense 💕💕
Thank you for this. One question I have is about boundaries and sharing expectations (silent agreements). If someone has crossed a boundary that you never shared with them, but you feel you should not have to share, like overtly flirting with your partner, is it okay to distance yourself without sharing why? I have had friends that do certain things that make me feel like they’re not a good person or at least not someone I want in my life. Unfair?
Listen to your intuition. It sounds like this is not someone you want in your life.
Great Q! I have a few examples of this in this video: th-cam.com/video/2_SZ1qjF7TY/w-d-xo.html
We often talk ourselves out of having boundary conversations and asserting the truth about how we feel under the guise of, “If they were a decent person, they would just know. I shouldn’t have to tell them.”
I personally think a lot of times, this is an excuse to avoid having a difficult conversation, and I go into it in that video.
However, you do have a right to say you don't want someone in your life if they act a certain way. Maybe flirting with your partner is a friendship dealbreaker for you, and that is your right. But it can also be possible that your friend isn't aware they're doing it or is just unaware it's not okay. (Some couples don't mind flirting.) It depends on how important this friendship is for you. I hope that helps xo
Hi Terri. Thank you for all of your amazing content! How do you deal with setting boundaries with narcissists? My father-in-law lives in a different state, and his behavior in our home creates a lot of conflict between my husband and I when he invites himself to stay in our home due to his rude and sloppy behavior. We both work full-time and have two young children. He acts like a third child (leaving dirty dishes and trash laying around on the table and couch, dropping crumbs all over our furniture, leaving lights on, refusing to put dirty dishes in the dishwasher, he spilled soda on our couch and stuffed the soaked rag that he used to "clean up" in our couch, etc.). Your book and content inspired me to start setting boundaries and refusing to put up with this behavior; however, I have to repeatedly make the same requests over and over again. I feel better saying something than not, but the repeated requests get frustrating also. When my husband tries to set boundaries, he gets the same result, except my father-in-law comes at him with extreme anger for confronting him. My husband thinks that we should just ignore the behavior because he visits us infrequently. How would you handle this?
That sounds exhausting- I am so sorry to hear this is how your father-in-law behaves when visiting. ❤️ Unfortunately, narcissists are often boundary destroyers. They are so driven by their own needs, wants, desires, and agenda that they are oblivious to what other people need. (That's not a justification for their behavior, just the truth.) I think you have a right to feel the way you do, although repeating yourself is often what happens with narcissists because they don't yield.
The only thing I can suggest is trying to set consequences with his behavior, if it is safe to do so as you mentioned "extreme anger." As in telling him, "If you continue to act this way when visiting, you will no longer be allowed as a guest in our house." But you and your husband would need to agree on this beforehand, because you need to be ready to enforce it.
If your husband wants to maintain a relationship with him, perhaps he can visit him at his house instead?
Or are you shouldering a disproportionate load when your father-in-law visits? Would you like more help from your husband in cleaning up after your father in law when he visits? Try thinking of ways the experience could be a little easier on you or your entire family. ❤️
I have started setting boundaries with my family members and I am the one always calling to make sure they were ok. The thing is they stopped calling me and ignoring me and my kids in family parties and this is bothering me a lot. How to fix this?
You might need to have a few direct conversations about it. I know it's hard ❤️ We've done the same dance with our family for the longest time, and when you change that dance, it usually takes them a while to accept it because they still want to do the old dance, if that makes sense. You can tell them how much it's bummed you out because you still care about them, but you also need to do... (whatever your boundary is).
@@terri_cole Thank you 🙏
Who r the low and who r meant to be the high prioroty ??? Can u help❤
I invite you to take an inventory of the people in your life ❤️ Think about who you feel the most emotionally safe around. Who you can tell the truth to. Who you love spending time with. Who is there for you through the tough times. Who you'd call first in an emergency. Those are the folks in your VIP section, who would be high-priority. Low-priority would be acquaintances, people you might say "hi" to and have small talk with, but wouldn't really drop everything for. They're also people you may not feel 100% emotionally safe with. Maybe they're great party/event/shopping (situational) friends, but your relationship kind of stops there.
You can think of it this way, too- the people in your life who are a "HECK YES" for you are your high-priority people.
I hope that helps xo
@@terri_cole thank u Terri for taking the time to elaborate❤🌺🌼
I didn't get that guide
Hi there, the guide is available here if you'd like to download it: www.terricole.com/top-8-boundary-questions-guide ❤️
@@terri_cole ok,thanks❤
Can't wait for the work book! Your first book literally changed my life! 🙌🩷
❤️❤️❤️