WOW... lightbulb! My thought had always been to "give in" to make things smoother in my marriage and now again in my current relationship (he checks my phone, social media, & e-mail). I've always tried to not ruffle feathers.. to stay comfortably in the background. I can see how AND WHY I'm getting what I get... I have never set healthy boundaries!!! Thank you, thank you.. this is a serious wake up call. Change starts now ❤
Notes: - don' t share too much information about yourself too soon. - don' think& feel you are responsible for other people's happiness. - don't hesitate to say no. ( refuse if you feel like refusing) - have a strong sense of your identity "why do we fail in maintaining healthy boundaries? " Causes: 1. Fear of rejection. 2. Fear of abandonment. 3. Fear of confrontation. 4. Guilt that we have in ourselves
I have an extremely ill mannered step son in law who recently arrived at a social event, greeted no one and went straight up to our bedroom to watch the football. I was speechless, eventually his 3 year old son joined him and started to trash the place. I felt the violation physically as a weight on my chest - l had to do something so after a while I went up and told him to get out of my bedroom. It was a little blunt but I don't regret it and from now on I will think of him as an excellent person to practice boundary setting on.
This is such an important topic. Dr Robert Glover is a licensed psychotherapist and he only learned of healthy boundaries after his second marriage ended. He wrote a fantastic book "No More Mr Nice Guy" most men (including me) tear up and profess that he nails their issues head on in the book. The moral of the story is that we men and women carry a lot of unauthentic guilt from childhood when we had no base of comparison for the events and role models shaping our existence. As a result, any negative event was viewed as our fault because no one explained to us that this is simply not the case. This boundary conversation is also much needed anytime an exclusive relationship begins. If both parties are calmly clear about what exclusivity means to them at the beginning then any violation of these boundaries will be obvious and will not happen if both parties truly care about each other. I recently had to raise this point with my exclusive partner when my boundary was violated. It was a little awkward and long winded but I did it and she got the message.
For a great male perspective, do look at his work. He changed my life and even when my last 3 relationships ended I was able to end them with love and maintaining respect. My ladies really appreciated this.
I just watched your video. I might add that even though you might set boundaries, it doesn't mean people will respect them. I recently set some clear boundaries with a house mate. One of them was asking her not to slam doors all day long. I think she does it unconsciously but as she continues to slam doors, I start to feel myself get angry and resentful and then I have to remind myself that just because I ask, doesn't necessarily mean it will happen. Also not to get into a "blame game". So I calm myself down and just chock it up to "she's forgetful and doesn't realize how much it bothers me". I give her the benefit of the doubt and perhaps remind her in a kind way how much it bothers me. And setting boundaries is not just a one time occurrence. It's continual.
you also need to set boundaries so that external events and people do not affect your thinking and feeling. if they can, then they will control you. so be responsible for your thoughts and feelings and control your actions. regards
You know how when you're raising your kids you have a quarter jar if they cuss.... You need to charge her a quarter every time the door gets slammed!😂😂😂 Sometimes training is in order!
We let others violate our physical and emotinal space, violate our boundaries. Why? Bcz of the fear of rejection. So we abandon ourselves. We let others violate physical space, snoop into our private space such as details of past relationships, our conversation with the therapist or our email. We do not realize that we are capable of having a deeply loving relationship despite having firm boundaries.
🙏 Thank you helpful education Terri. I appreciate you sharing this with love and kindness from your heart and personal life. 💐Peace,love and joy to you and all 💜
Happy to be found LittleBunny92! They come out every week. PS: Join us for a weekly live stream and ask me ANY questions We just launched our waiting list for The Real Love Revolution, lots of free gifts and a free private Facebook Group ( just for women ) Click her to join for free: www.terricole.com/RLR Whoot!
This video is so helpful. I'm co-renting with my sister, and it's soooo hard to set/keep boundaries. Namely financial and emotional, because she does have actual emotional issues (our family has tried to get her therapy). My sister has two young children (3 and 5) and ever since I moved in with her it's like she sees me as an extention of her. (Example; she has a truck with no insurance, and is working part time while I just got a second part time job and already working full time. I mentioned to her how I was going to use taxes to get me a car and that she would have to hold up her end of the rent- I always end up spending nearly twice my share to cover for her- because I would be paying car insurance on top of my rent share, utilities and wanting to go back to school. She immediately was like, "Good, we'll share car insurance" and I was like "No, I'm only getting insurance for my car" and she acted like I insulted her entire life history, muttering under her breath and giving me the silent treatment.) I've told her before about things that make me uncomfortable or how her thoughtless actions affect me (emotionally and physically when she's bringing questionable people to our house and lets them stay for weeks and gets upset when I tell her she has to talk with me before we agree to let people stay) and she literally yells or shows me by her actions she does not care about my boundaries or me in general. One last example; a couple months ago went out to the store to get a few things. Her son, who is 3, grabbed a pack of donuts while we were in checkout and opened them to eat (he and his sister have seen their mom steal so much they think it's perfectly ok) and my sister started cursing and swearing at him until he cried. I apologized to all the people (and children) around us who were shocked and repulsed. I felt so upset and humiliated, I almost was brought to angry tears. When we left the store I calmly asked her tp refrain from such language in public, but she cut me off saying "Im a grown-@$$ woman and I can say what the f I want to say" I told her it made me uncomfortable and could she not do it around me in public when we were together and she ignored me, texting her friend and saying I was an annoying b*tch. She then proceeded to ignore me when I tried to talk to her about something completely different. If I bring up something thats bothering me she always has an excuse or tells me that "I let things get to my head" or that I'm "too sensitive". It's to the point where I can no longer talk to her about my boundaries; I can only act on them by leaving and going elsewhere until she calms down. I am trying really hard to create emotional boundaries because it's to the point were I internally go over everything in my mind before I say anything to her that's in disagreement and get this heavy dread in my stomach whenever she's in one of her dark moods. I cannot communicate with her calmly and collected because she blows up and cannot handle criticism at all. I bring up something about her that bothers/ affects me and she has excuses with excuses. Fortunately with this second job I plan on getting a car and apartment in a few months to separate myself from her. I love her but, if I am completely honest with myself, we live very different lives and she can be toxic. Thank you SO much for this video!!!!
Mama- Thank you so much for sharing your story here with us! You know exactly what you need to do and I'm so happy to hear you are doing it. MOVE OUT as soon as humanly possible and the distance will help you keep your boundaries with her. Keep up the amazing work!!! (Hope you are proud of how much you know about yourself and being healthy ;)
Thank you so much for this beautiful message, and the awesome download sheet Terri. I am so ready for this change in my life. I'm 61. What a horrible time I've given myself, being too afraid to tell anyone when they're hurting me. Too many have done it on purpose because I've been such a push-over. No matter how much wishing I've done, it never worked. People have crushed my soul and my spirit my whole life - starting with my mother - but I've let them. The only option is to speak up - as you've said.
Terri. Stating boundries and letting natural consequences fall is one thing. I'm from a dysfunctional family; due to moms schizofrenia, I became the overfunctioner way back in my teens. As I've begun to grow and set boundries, I've discovered just how boundry resistant my father, brother and some friends are. When I set boundries, they yell, manipulate or hang up (silent treatment) and then ingnore me for months (more silent treatment). How to respond to that? When I set a boundry with my father, he responded by manipulation (threats of dysinheritance, threats of not helping schizofrenic mom, and others). To each of his statements I responded with "that is manipulation".
Dear Terri, thank you so much for your videos, they are wonderful and so inspiring. I came across your channel today for a little help as a friend of 26 years sneaked out of my house this morning without saying goodbye or leaving a note and then deleted me on facebook without a word because of an argument we had last night. And of course I am upset and thinking it over and over again... I have my suspicions that she is a narcissist (all conversations are about her or will be changed into her as the subject...) or passive aggressive (gets angry if you voice an opposing opinion as if this is an attack and raises her voice until you're drowned out), although I am aware of my own issues with passive aggressiveness, thanks to your video, as well as boundaries, which I am going to work on. But to cut a long day short, she had snapped at me impatiently several times, screamed my name in what seemed like fury in a public hall when I wasn't right behind her, where she expected me to be and things like that... Finally, she dismissed something I was saying by snapping "you're taking it too seriously". I replied: "do you need to be so moralising? I don't like it when you talk to me like this and when you snap at me." and this set her off. She walked out on me. I was not shouting at all. And then she categorically refused to talk about it, even though she was staying with me, despite me saying I was upset, please can we talk about. She said I was over stepping her boundary by asking to talk about it and then gave me the silent treatment, staring at the ground as I talked. Do you agree this is over stepping a boundary (if all I am saying is accurate of course!)? Should I have just shut up? I was feeling empathy and saying that maybe we could talk about our issues to resolve them. She said we would talk in the morning. Now I am leaving her alone, but I really hoped we could resolve our issues. Clearly she has chosen otherwise. I feel like she flipped everything around to make it about her when originally I was trying to set my own boundaries. This is where I find human relationships confusing and I don't know where I stand anymore. Sorry, this is very long winded, but perhaps it will help others who have had similar situations. Thank you for your time and any advice, I am totally willing to accept I over stepped her boundaries. I would like to learn from this for the future. Felicity
thank you so much for replying. Yes I am letting her go. I should have tried to set my boundaries years ago. I do think, even if I was in the wrong, a good friend would be willing to talk about it. thanks again and for all your inspiring videos and energy x
thank you for your reply, it helps a lot. It was so shocking the way she flipped and then sneaked out of my house when all I said was I didn't like the way she was talking to me! I have put myself in question so much but in essence that is all I said, as well as wanting to talk about our issues, and she threw me out of her life just like that. The next day she sent me a text referring to my desire to talk as "coercion" and comparing it to sexual coercion. Her specific words: "you cannot coerce someone into an emotional experience they have no interest in, the same as you cannot coerce someone into a sexual act they don't want to do." Basically implying I was at the same level as a rapist. WOW pretty hard core and so hurtful. But I am glad I stood up to her. Her reaction does I think exemplify that I was right to do that and that she didn't really care very much about me or my feelings. thanks again for your reply Bree!
This is a great video. Want to stay lovingly connected to some but in a healthy safe way. Example dealing with a problematic sister and her sadness I feel manipulated and tested frequently whenever we meet. Got to get better at it, thanks for the cheat sheet.
just yesterday i was thinking about what you just said, i did not learnt all these things in my childhood, and somehow managed to survive through the parental abuse. will you believe if i told you that they tried to kill me by starving, locking up in isolation, getting me kidnapped and what not!!!!!. and yes, now you are teaching and i am learning. thank you. will continue with the video. namaste.
sure would be nice if my wife believed I should have rights to keep things to myself. she thinks she's entitled to ALL info and private items. and hell has no fury when she's told "no".
But YOU know you have a right so learn to draw boundaries with ease, grace and love and she will adjust (after throwing a tantrum, perhaps) A good therapist can help you learn even if she won't go. Do it for you!
Change back move. This resonates with me. Now I have the words for it, can recognize when it happens and stick to my rock solid boundaries without taking on the negative emotions the Narc in my life projects. Their emotions are their job, not mine. Wow, I needed this tool. Thank you.
I'm completely absorbed in this. I had the pleasure of reading something similar, and I was completely absorbed. "The Art of Saying No: Mastering Boundaries for a Fulfilling Life" by Samuel Dawn
Ppl here talk about sexual relationships , n I'm no contact with my family. I figure that my. F-ather wanted to rape me for his sick enjoyment . I'm glad I dared even though only very little. In my adult years , I was always left alone. I don't blame anyone. The opposite is true. I never had power in our family. In my late teens , I gained ground with ppl out of home. You are very soft-spoken . Thank you. I gained my strength with the help of professional helpers, something that proved to be my strength . N the envy of my eldest brother . I had many mums . +My mum. Sometime later. She had a mother wound . For réal . TY
Giving information when prematurely asked, allowing someone to know where you live too soon or a invite to your personal space to soon after meeting someone new...letting a person convince you to live together as though the relationship depends upon this arrangement when you clearly dont want this type of situation.....so many I have violated myself for giving in to things I dont want just to please another person....#nomore .
I like you. I really like you. I had boundaries . I know it is about one's own integrity. Oneness. Yes . My eldest brother pushed me to eat mud. If someone spits on you,spit back to show them how it feels . I did that to a very evil little boy. To teach him a lesson .
I wouldn't say I don't want to share a private conversation because that wouldn't be authentic. If the one asking is able to take it, I'm happy to share what makes us grow. And that doesn't mean I have weak emotional boundaries.
No one s business what someone talks about in therapy . No one should feel the need to go through someone s phone . No I avoid people who try and stop me from achieving my goals .
Thanks Susannah! PS: Join us for a weekly live stream and ask me ANY questions We just launched our waiting list for The Real Love Revolution, lots of free gifts and a free private Facebook Group ( just for women ) Click her to join for free: www.terricole.com/RLR Whoot!
Hi Terri. Thank u for posting this. I was previously so poor at setting boundaries and allowed my normal guy friend to misused me in friendship all these years and just to find out that when I found a new bf, he totally talked rudely to me, because of his jealousy and I have always been apologizing and getting back to him because I wanted to be friends with him so earnestly. I been tolerating his bad and outspoken behavior, wrong words slipped out his mouth. But, now I have learn from ur video why I was that way. It's because I was scared he would reject my friendship. Thank u for sharing. I find u are a wonderful empathetic and understanding Psychologist
Fear of rejection is something so many of us struggle with ❤️ It is hard! I just released a video on how to get more respect in your relationships which may also be helpful: th-cam.com/video/v1UQ8e0ZLiY/w-d-xo.html
I don’t really know what my issue is.. I have no problem saying no to anyone and I am very good at telling some my boundary if I don’t care about them. But when I care about someone I enjoy doing things for them but then I start to get taken for granted and become resentful because I am unappreciated.. I don’t know what to do about that. Also I have learned to keep feelings to myself because in all of my romantic relationships, this always caused issues or a fight.
"I enjoy doing things for them but then I start to get taken for granted and become resentful because I'm unappreciated" -- you might want to look into codependency. I have a video on it here: th-cam.com/video/GrZ15pV9_Zk/w-d-xo.html ❤️
Terri! "Thank you - I can't wait to start exercising ...making a difference for me and others...Like you! You See - I find you "The Best of The Best!... I understand and can adapt.....Firm Hug - if I may.
Hi Terri, I have a hard time w my adult daughters friend all evidence of being a narcissist When at my daughters home. Her friend is rude w comments and actions w me. Not sure how to handle since it’s at my daughters home. Thank you
I think it’s OK to talk to your daughter- like “Hey I noticed this behavior from so and so and it makes me uncomfortable” or in the moment, say something to the friend. ❤️
Thank you for this! I had one of those very toxic people in my life, so much drama and negativity and things got to a point that I literally could not take it another second. When I simply told her that I needed a break from a situation that she had voluntarily immersed herself in over and over again, she went ballistic on me. After a full year of loving on her, emphasizing with her, many late night tearful calls from her where I patiently and lovingly listened and tried to encourage her, listening to alllll the self pity and negativity but still trying to encourage her and love on her, suddenly because I need a break I have NO empathy and how could I even call myself a Christian, blah blah blah. So I told her I would not let her manipulate me and she called me a narcissist. I wish I had set those boundaries earlier rather than later and have learned a lesson in this from now on I will set boundaries much earlier in relationships.
I really appreciate this video and all your other videos! I’m using all this info to set some boundaries with my mom who is really getting in the way of me and my girlfriend of 5 years. I’m 20 and I live at home still with my mom and two brothers, my mom says her love language is to do things for people and she is a single mom so she has basically been doing it all around the house for everyone as long as can remember as well as getting herself involved in everything in my life outside the house as well, she’s a single mom and has been for awhile so it’s hard for me to tell her to tone it back but I’ve found myself being resentful towards her when she’s doing things for me because I don’t even ask her to do the things. She is also rude to my girlfriend, they can’t even be in the same room anymore and my girlfriend has not came over to my house in months because my mom is passive aggressive towards my girlfriend, I’ve tried to set boundaries in the past but failed and it’s getting to the breaking point for me and my girlfriend, my mom just will not accept she is the problem and I have not been strong enough to set boundaries and stick to them with my mom Any more tips?
Hi Josh- Might be time to move out. Sometimes physical boundaries are the most impactful ones while you are figuring out how to establish emotional boundaries. ❤️
i think im sabotaging my long term relationship with my poor communication skill and beleif patterns of abandonnement. I fear confrontation. I know we love each other and i wish to fix this cause i also lack self-esteem .
Moments like this I really would have wished that my mom would have shown me all this stuff just came here from watching your mother wound video and it’s been dawning a lot last couple days that I need to set some boundaries and learn to forgive but not forget
How to set boundaries with a boss who keeps violating them? Taking doing overtime as something absolutely normal, etc. My colleague set boundaries and got sacked immediately... Any tips how to deal with him?
Check your legal options or go to human resources to see what the company policy is around overtime. Be smarter than him -don't provoke by drawing boundaries with hostility but also don't let him walk on you. Knowledge is power -so get the facts before taking a stand and if the atmosphere is too toxic for you to be a respected human -maybe start planning your exit. Wishing you the best of luck!
I don't want a relationship ....be back tomorrow . You are ok. I leave. Intruders . I told mum not to ask. Men speak when they want to. The fact that they lie is a different thing. My ex violated my opinions from being mine. I can f encounter a man. Confront. Actually, THIS is GREAT info. Not bad. I was f being firm with my ex. I do not want my social life here. 💕💜 MY LANGUAGE IS WHO I WANNA BE... I wish the op. That makes 2 boundaries....
when NarcD uses anger to "kick me in the dance shins" or threatens what kind of response is acceptable? Like what can I try to calmly say (because if I scream then he gets what he wants an argument supply)?
Opt out by either saying, "I am def not having this conversation" or "I am not taking the bait so please stop trying to provoke me. If you want to have a real conversation, we can but not this same tired argument" But honestly if your person is a narc for real- any response you give they will find a way to drag you back in. Take care of you. xo
@@terri_cole I feel bad at times for setting boundaries with someone who experiences paranoia and distress as a result. It can seem cruel. Unfortunately I just can't always be a listening ear at times he needs somebody there to be a listening support (as much as I wish I could be). It's just unavoidable that I can't. :(
Of course, you're only human and have limited capacity ❤️ I highlight a client story that was similar here: th-cam.com/video/2_SZ1qjF7TY/w-d-xo.html She had a friend who would text her out of nowhere with an emotional dump and had to communicate that she needed to check in first before doing so. I also have a video on boundaries and guilt in case it is helpful: th-cam.com/video/Yf8r5uYQABI/w-d-xo.html
@@terri_cole I appreciate all that Terri. Many thanks. Hoping you don't mind my asking this. What if the person making the texts or calls is going through some kind of psychosis related confusion episode at the time and has nobody else to turn to for help or support? This is why I'm struggling with guilt. We're both from the UK by the way.
You are so welcome Lesley! PS: Join us for a weekly live stream and ask me ANY questions We just launched our waiting list for The Real Love Revolution, lots of free gifts and a free private Facebook Group ( just for women ) Click her to join for free: www.terricole.com/RLRwhoot!
I recently went to hang out with people I've met from a retreat and this person felt it was OK to include guys she's just met to go to the bar. I saw the signs that I was playing it cool bc she insisted I come along. Had I known I would have never showed up. While at the bar one of the guys thought it was OK to touch my butt. I quickly removed his hand from it and felt frozen that he just did that and blamed myself bc I felt like I missed something for him to think it was OK to do that. But I then decided to leave early. I still wish I should have reacted more towards to show them that that was not ok.
Thank you! Without exception, every one of your videos has amazing information with some extra bit of eye opening info I haven’t heard in other people’s videos.
Is there such a thing as a codependent procrastinator? I have no clue how to set boundaries, but the reason I do so much for people (even if they don’t ask) is because I’m afraid to do it for myself.
Thank you for the good advice. Had I seen this video before .. What if you said yes and you would rather not like it afterwards? Do you have to apologize and explain yourself to a toxic person? I do not want to throw all my feelings on the table anymore .. But I said yes too soon ..oh oh..
Great information Thank you very much. Sharing with my daughter who needs to hear this as well. You are blessed in spirit by Buddha hands and healing heart. Many people have the same issues so this is wonderful.
How do to handle for example a spouse who questions you and benefits from the willingness of the other to Share be open but then when they ask in return they set strict boundaries .. it doesn’t seem healthy to do that where one spouse has full access but the other is rigid at limiting access ..
Very safe answer. I mean to say that Christianity teaches that we should forgive our brother 77 times... A self sacrificial state of servitude. If this type of serving behavior does not actually help "our brother" but actually perpetuates their delusion, is there any benefit in "forgiving" them when they abuse us? Forgiving in this scenario specifically would actually be harmful to them.
"You never have to convince anything or anyone, ever" by Deepak Chopra
WOW... lightbulb! My thought had always been to "give in" to make things smoother in my marriage and now again in my current relationship (he checks my phone, social media, & e-mail). I've always tried to not ruffle feathers.. to stay comfortably in the background. I can see how AND WHY I'm getting what I get... I have never set healthy boundaries!!!
Thank you, thank you.. this is a serious wake up call. Change starts now ❤
Norma,
I'm so happy to hear about you 'waking' up to draw some healthy boundaries!! You deserve RESPECT and PRIVACY in all relationships mama xoxo
Notes:
- don' t share too much information about yourself too soon.
- don' think& feel you are responsible for other people's happiness.
- don't hesitate to say no. ( refuse if you feel like refusing)
- have a strong sense of your identity
"why do we fail in maintaining healthy boundaries? "
Causes:
1. Fear of rejection.
2. Fear of abandonment.
3. Fear of confrontation.
4. Guilt that we have in ourselves
Saphire Rose If I can add one more : the fear of losing some help (will be given only if they are satisfied with us )
You missed the 5. Lack of know how to put healthy boundaries. Thank you
I have an extremely ill mannered step son in law who recently arrived at a social event, greeted no one and went straight up to our bedroom to watch the football. I was speechless, eventually his 3 year old son joined him and started to trash the place. I felt the violation physically as a weight on my chest - l had to do something so after a while I went up and told him to get out of my bedroom. It was a little blunt but I don't regret it and from now on I will think of him as an excellent person to practice boundary setting on.
You model sell respect and a quiet dignity - very encouraging for me.
Such a powerful realization to see that boundaries are about drawing a separation between myself and others.
This is such an important topic. Dr Robert Glover is a licensed psychotherapist and he only learned of healthy boundaries after his second marriage ended. He wrote a fantastic book "No More Mr Nice Guy" most men (including me) tear up and profess that he nails their issues head on in the book. The moral of the story is that we men and women carry a lot of unauthentic guilt from childhood when we had no base of comparison for the events and role models shaping our existence. As a result, any negative event was viewed as our fault because no one explained to us that this is simply not the case. This boundary conversation is also much needed anytime an exclusive relationship begins. If both parties are calmly clear about what exclusivity means to them at the beginning then any violation of these boundaries will be obvious and will not happen if both parties truly care about each other. I recently had to raise this point with my exclusive partner when my boundary was violated. It was a little awkward and long winded but I did it and she got the message.
Macio,
Thanks for sharing here. Good for you for getting your boundaries on in your relationship and I will check out Dr. Glover's work!
For a great male perspective, do look at his work. He changed my life and even when my last 3 relationships ended I was able to end them with love and maintaining respect. My ladies really appreciated this.
I just watched your video. I might add that even though you might set boundaries, it doesn't mean people will respect them. I recently set some clear boundaries with a house mate. One of them was asking her not to slam doors all day long. I think she does it unconsciously but as she continues to slam doors, I start to feel myself get angry and resentful and then I have to remind myself that just because I ask, doesn't necessarily mean it will happen. Also not to get into a "blame game". So I calm myself down and just chock it up to "she's forgetful and doesn't realize how much it bothers me". I give her the benefit of the doubt and perhaps remind her in a kind way how much it bothers me. And setting boundaries is not just a one time occurrence. It's continual.
Absolutely! Just like being physically fit requires going to the gym more than once ;) Keep up the good work.
you also need to set boundaries so that external events and people do not affect your thinking and feeling. if they can, then they will control you. so be responsible for your thoughts and feelings and control your actions. regards
You know how when you're raising your kids you have a quarter jar if they cuss.... You need to charge her a quarter every time the door gets slammed!😂😂😂 Sometimes training is in order!
@@astrialindah2773 She's a 60 year old woman.
@@abhaggerty4794 I don't care if she's 80 years old there has to be repercussions or people will keep violating your boundaries...
We let others violate our physical and emotinal space, violate our boundaries. Why? Bcz of the fear of rejection. So we abandon ourselves. We let others violate physical space, snoop into our private space such as details of past relationships, our conversation with the therapist or our email. We do not realize that we are capable of having a deeply loving relationship despite having firm boundaries.
When people stand 2 cm behind me in the supermarket that drives me nuts... :-(
Hahahahah, me too, Mireille! I'm like, "Move it pal!" ;)
Hm, seems like it's not about me but perfectly describes my partner. And it's very hard to deal with people who have weak boundaries as well.
Hi when I don’t want to tell someone
Straight away
I say I will tell you in 3 months …
😭when u said what angers you probably needs a boundary look I found my 1st one 😭
Right on!!
🙏 Thank you helpful education Terri. I appreciate you sharing this with love and kindness from your heart and personal life. 💐Peace,love and joy to you and all 💜
Great video Terri! Working on my boundary issues is very relevant for me right now so thank you for sharing this!
You're so welcome Kimberly! So happy the vid resonated with you
You have absolutely changed my thinking about so much. I love your channel and you. Thank you.
I just found you!!! and I freaking love you!! i need these videos. I hope you continue to make more.
Happy to be found LittleBunny92! They come out every week.
PS:
Join us for a weekly live stream and ask me ANY questions
We just launched our waiting list for The Real Love Revolution,
lots of free gifts and a free private Facebook Group ( just for women )
Click her to join for free: www.terricole.com/RLR Whoot!
Terri I'm grateful for you .Thank you for you love and dedication to us . Much love
Sending love right back to you! Thank you for being here with me ;)
Third time around in this video - and it still took me a week to realise one of my weak boundaries being violated.
I love your energy. Thank you so much.
Wow set a boundary,Don't worry about what others feel that is so deep Terri.Yet True!
This video is so helpful. I'm co-renting with my sister, and it's soooo hard to set/keep boundaries. Namely financial and emotional, because she does have actual emotional issues (our family has tried to get her therapy).
My sister has two young children (3 and 5) and ever since I moved in with her it's like she sees me as an extention of her. (Example; she has a truck with no insurance, and is working part time while I just got a second part time job and already working full time. I mentioned to her how I was going to use taxes to get me a car and that she would have to hold up her end of the rent- I always end up spending nearly twice my share to cover for her- because I would be paying car insurance on top of my rent share, utilities and wanting to go back to school. She immediately was like, "Good, we'll share car insurance" and I was like "No, I'm only getting insurance for my car" and she acted like I insulted her entire life history, muttering under her breath and giving me the silent treatment.) I've told her before about things that make me uncomfortable or how her thoughtless actions affect me (emotionally and physically when she's bringing questionable people to our house and lets them stay for weeks and gets upset when I tell her she has to talk with me before we agree to let people stay) and she literally yells or shows me by her actions she does not care about my boundaries or me in general.
One last example; a couple months ago went out to the store to get a few things. Her son, who is 3, grabbed a pack of donuts while we were in checkout and opened them to eat (he and his sister have seen their mom steal so much they think it's perfectly ok) and my sister started cursing and swearing at him until he cried. I apologized to all the people (and children) around us who were shocked and repulsed. I felt so upset and humiliated, I almost was brought to angry tears. When we left the store I calmly asked her tp refrain from such language in public, but she cut me off saying "Im a grown-@$$ woman and I can say what the f I want to say" I told her it made me uncomfortable and could she not do it around me in public when we were together and she ignored me, texting her friend and saying I was an annoying b*tch. She then proceeded to ignore me when I tried to talk to her about something completely different. If I bring up something thats bothering me she always has an excuse or tells me that "I let things get to my head" or that I'm "too sensitive". It's to the point where I can no longer talk to her about my boundaries; I can only act on them by leaving and going elsewhere until she calms down.
I am trying really hard to create emotional boundaries because it's to the point were I internally go over everything in my mind before I say anything to her that's in disagreement and get this heavy dread in my stomach whenever she's in one of her dark moods.
I cannot communicate with her calmly and collected because she blows up and cannot handle criticism at all. I bring up something about her that bothers/ affects me and she has excuses with excuses.
Fortunately with this second job I plan on getting a car and apartment in a few months to separate myself from her. I love her but, if I am completely honest with myself, we live very different lives and she can be toxic.
Thank you SO much for this video!!!!
Mama-
Thank you so much for sharing your story here with us! You know exactly what you need to do and I'm so happy to hear you are doing it. MOVE OUT as soon as humanly possible and the distance will help you keep your boundaries with her. Keep up the amazing work!!! (Hope you are proud of how much you know about yourself and being healthy ;)
Thank you so much for this beautiful message, and the awesome download sheet Terri. I am so ready for this change in my life. I'm 61. What a horrible time I've given myself, being too afraid to tell anyone when they're hurting me. Too many have done it on purpose because I've been such a push-over. No matter how much wishing I've done, it never worked. People have crushed my soul and my spirit my whole life - starting with my mother - but I've let them. The only option is to speak up - as you've said.
Right on, May! You can do it ;)
Two words: eye. Opening. Love it!
Agreed!! 🙌🏽🙌🏽
Terri. Stating boundries and letting natural consequences fall is one thing. I'm from a dysfunctional family; due to moms schizofrenia, I became the overfunctioner way back in my teens. As I've begun to grow and set boundries, I've discovered just how boundry resistant my father, brother and some friends are. When I set boundries, they yell, manipulate or hang up (silent treatment) and then ingnore me for months (more silent treatment). How to respond to that? When I set a boundry with my father, he responded by manipulation (threats of dysinheritance, threats of not helping schizofrenic mom, and others). To each of his statements I responded with "that is manipulation".
Dear Terri, thank you so much for your videos, they are wonderful and so inspiring. I came across your channel today for a little help as a friend of 26 years sneaked out of my house this morning without saying goodbye or leaving a note and then deleted me on facebook without a word because of an argument we had last night. And of course I am upset and thinking it over and over again... I have my suspicions that she is a narcissist (all conversations are about her or will be changed into her as the subject...) or passive aggressive (gets angry if you voice an opposing opinion as if this is an attack and raises her voice until you're drowned out), although I am aware of my own issues with passive aggressiveness, thanks to your video, as well as boundaries, which I am going to work on. But to cut a long day short, she had snapped at me impatiently several times, screamed my name in what seemed like fury in a public hall when I wasn't right behind her, where she expected me to be and things like that... Finally, she dismissed something I was saying by snapping "you're taking it too seriously". I replied: "do you need to be so moralising? I don't like it when you talk to me like this and when you snap at me." and this set her off. She walked out on me. I was not shouting at all. And then she categorically refused to talk about it, even though she was staying with me, despite me saying I was upset, please can we talk about. She said I was over stepping her boundary by asking to talk about it and then gave me the silent treatment, staring at the ground as I talked. Do you agree this is over stepping a boundary (if all I am saying is accurate of course!)? Should I have just shut up? I was feeling empathy and saying that maybe we could talk about our issues to resolve them. She said we would talk in the morning. Now I am leaving her alone, but I really hoped we could resolve our issues. Clearly she has chosen otherwise. I feel like she flipped everything around to make it about her when originally I was trying to set my own boundaries. This is where I find human relationships confusing and I don't know where I stand anymore. Sorry, this is very long winded, but perhaps it will help others who have had similar situations. Thank you for your time and any advice, I am totally willing to accept I over stepped her boundaries. I would like to learn from this for the future. Felicity
As sad as it is -she sounds like a narcissist and abusive. I say let it go mama and work on you. I'm glad you're here xo
thank you so much for replying. Yes I am letting her go. I should have tried to set my boundaries years ago. I do think, even if I was in the wrong, a good friend would be willing to talk about it. thanks again and for all your inspiring videos and energy x
Felice Pricam definitely sounds like a narcissist! She was also using textbook Gas lighting on you. Good job trying to set your boundaries w/ them.
thank you for your reply, it helps a lot. It was so shocking the way she flipped and then sneaked out of my house when all I said was I didn't like the way she was talking to me! I have put myself in question so much but in essence that is all I said, as well as wanting to talk about our issues, and she threw me out of her life just like that. The next day she sent me a text referring to my desire to talk as "coercion" and comparing it to sexual coercion. Her specific words: "you cannot coerce someone into an emotional experience they have no interest in, the same as you cannot coerce someone into a sexual act they don't want to do." Basically implying I was at the same level as a rapist. WOW pretty hard core and so hurtful. But I am glad I stood up to her. Her reaction does I think exemplify that I was right to do that and that she didn't really care very much about me or my feelings. thanks again for your reply Bree!
This is a great video. Want to stay lovingly connected to some but in a healthy safe way. Example dealing with a problematic sister and her sadness I feel manipulated and tested frequently whenever we meet. Got to get better at it, thanks for the cheat sheet.
just yesterday i was thinking about what you just said, i did not learnt all these things in my childhood, and somehow managed to survive through the parental abuse. will you believe if i told you that they tried to kill me by starving, locking up in isolation, getting me kidnapped and what not!!!!!.
and yes, now you are teaching and i am learning. thank you. will continue with the video. namaste.
Oh WOW. Ouch! That blame shift to the other was an uncomfortable realisation for me. Thank you again.
I feel you! And although uncomfortable at first...these realizations are the key to our authentic happiness. I am so glad you are here!
Thumps up and subscribe..This is really great stuff. Thank you dearest
Excellently communicated! Information I really need to implement in my life! Thankyou so very much!
Thanks for your kind words, Georgia! I am so happy the material resonates with you. Thank you for being here with us!
Terri. Amazing! Root of me truly, owning my own, life. Boundaries! TY! 😁👌
sure would be nice if my wife believed I should have rights to keep things to myself. she thinks she's entitled to ALL info and private items. and hell has no fury when she's told "no".
But YOU know you have a right so learn to draw boundaries with ease, grace and love and she will adjust (after throwing a tantrum, perhaps) A good therapist can help you learn even if she won't go. Do it for you!
She has NPD & BPD.... Not thinking that it's likely she will see the errors of her ways.
Question, how can someone make the most of their therapy sessions? Can u ask your therapist for feedback and professional advise?
I think it depends on your therapist's approach, but it can't hurt to ask!
Change back move. This resonates with me. Now I have the words for it, can recognize when it happens and stick to my rock solid boundaries without taking on the negative emotions the Narc in my life projects. Their emotions are their job, not mine. Wow, I needed this tool. Thank you.
So glad it was helpful ❤️❤️
You are fantastic, thank you!
Thank you Terri, you are wonderful!
Thank you Terri, you're the best!
I'm completely absorbed in this. I had the pleasure of reading something similar, and I was completely absorbed. "The Art of Saying No: Mastering Boundaries for a Fulfilling Life" by Samuel Dawn
Hi Terri , Today , I could take the bull by the horns with clear and confident way . And the credit goes to u . Thank you so much . God bless u .
I am so happy to hear my work is inspiring but the truth is that the credit goes to YOU, so right on!!!!
Thank you Terri - for sharing. Im so Not trained in saying No. Im Very grateful 💕
Ppl here talk about sexual relationships , n I'm no contact with my family. I figure that my. F-ather wanted to rape me for his sick enjoyment . I'm glad I dared even though only very little. In my adult years , I was always left alone. I don't blame anyone. The opposite is true. I never had power in our family. In my
late teens , I gained ground with ppl out of home. You are very soft-spoken . Thank you. I gained my strength with the help of professional helpers, something that proved to be my strength . N the envy of my eldest brother . I had many mums . +My mum. Sometime later. She had a mother wound . For réal . TY
I NEEDED THIS VIDEO 50 YEARS AGO. NO KIDDING. BUT THANK YOU TERRI. I MUST STUDY THIS EVERY DAY NOW.
I'm so glad it resonated for you, Karen!
Happily put UP our emotional WALLS. 👌✌😆
Yup, boundaries are necessary!
spot on, thank you....next I watch the co-dependency video, subscribed....
Thank you Andee!
Giving information when prematurely asked, allowing someone to know where you live too soon or a invite to your personal space to soon after meeting someone new...letting a person convince you to live together as though the relationship depends upon this arrangement when you clearly dont want this type of situation.....so many I have violated myself for giving in to things I dont want just to please another person....#nomore
.
RIGHT ON to #nomore, mama!! Thank you for being here xo
Terri Cole Real Love Revolution
Lol
Im on a roll....
Thank you!!
I like you. I really like you. I had boundaries . I know it is about one's own integrity. Oneness. Yes . My eldest brother pushed me to eat mud. If someone spits on you,spit back to show them how it feels . I did that to a very evil little boy. To teach him a lesson .
Really amazing video,
Thanks for these information ❤
I wouldn't say I don't want to share a private conversation because that wouldn't be authentic. If the one asking is able to take it, I'm happy to share what makes us grow. And that doesn't mean I have weak emotional boundaries.
No one s business what someone talks about in therapy . No one should feel the need to go through someone s phone . No I avoid people who try and stop me from achieving my goals .
❤
Need this! Thank you!
I love your videos
Thanks Susannah!
PS: Join us for a weekly live stream and ask me ANY questions
We just launched our waiting list for The Real Love Revolution,
lots of free gifts and a free private Facebook Group ( just for women )
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Thank you Terri ! You are so kind and beautiful!💜
Hi Terri. Thank u for posting this. I was previously so poor at setting boundaries and allowed my normal guy friend to misused me in friendship all these years and just to find out that when I found a new bf, he totally talked rudely to me, because of his jealousy and I have always been apologizing and getting back to him because I wanted to be friends with him so earnestly. I been tolerating his bad and outspoken behavior, wrong words slipped out his mouth. But, now I have learn from ur video why I was that way. It's because I was scared he would reject my friendship. Thank u for sharing. I find u are a wonderful empathetic and understanding Psychologist
Fear of rejection is something so many of us struggle with ❤️ It is hard! I just released a video on how to get more respect in your relationships which may also be helpful: th-cam.com/video/v1UQ8e0ZLiY/w-d-xo.html
Thank you Terri !
Thanks so much for your videos Terri! You have taught me so much.
Absolutley love this video!
Thanks David! So glad you're here ;)
Wonderful Video! Shared it with dear friends. Where can we find the cheat sheet?
Here ya go! terricole.pages.ontraport.net/boundaries
I had a smothermother. With no knowledge of psychology, i told her , "Skin tells us where you leave off and i begin!" I was in highschool. 😂
🙌🙌🙌
reAL LOve revolutiOnary ,, is a song by zion Train
I don’t really know what my issue is.. I have no problem saying no to anyone and I am very good at telling some my boundary if I don’t care about them. But when I care about someone I enjoy doing things for them but then I start to get taken for granted and become resentful because I am unappreciated.. I don’t know what to do about that. Also I have learned to keep feelings to myself because in all of my romantic relationships, this always caused issues or a fight.
"I enjoy doing things for them but then I start to get taken for granted and become resentful because I'm unappreciated" -- you might want to look into codependency. I have a video on it here: th-cam.com/video/GrZ15pV9_Zk/w-d-xo.html ❤️
Terri! "Thank you - I can't wait to start exercising ...making a difference for me and others...Like you! You See - I find you "The Best of The Best!... I understand and can adapt.....Firm Hug - if I may.
Thank you Dara and hugging right back!! xo
Hi Terri,
I have a hard time w my adult daughters friend all evidence of being a narcissist
When at my daughters home. Her friend is rude w comments and actions w me.
Not sure how to handle since it’s at my daughters home.
Thank you
I think it’s OK to talk to your daughter- like “Hey I noticed this behavior from so and so and it makes me uncomfortable” or in the moment, say something to the friend. ❤️
Thank you very helpful to hear.. I have listened to your book.. very encouraging 👏 👍
Wonderful!
Thank you for this! I had one of those very toxic people in my life, so much drama and negativity and things got to a point that I literally could not take it another second. When I simply told her that I needed a break from a situation that she had voluntarily immersed herself in over and over again, she went ballistic on me. After a full year of loving on her, emphasizing with her, many late night tearful calls from her where I patiently and lovingly listened and tried to encourage her, listening to alllll the self pity and negativity but still trying to encourage her and love on her, suddenly because I need a break I have NO empathy and how could I even call myself a Christian, blah blah blah. So I told her I would not let her manipulate me and she called me a narcissist. I wish I had set those boundaries earlier rather than later and have learned a lesson in this from now on I will set boundaries much earlier in relationships.
I am so sorry you had that experience ❤️
loving this info. letting you know :)
And I super appreciate you being here AND letting me know ;)
Thanks for bringing me understanding.
I'm now taking the next step and ordered the workbook.
❤️❤️❤️
This is quite scary when you put thought into it but I feel it's so common.
I really appreciate this video and all your other videos! I’m using all this info to set some boundaries with my mom who is really getting in the way of me and my girlfriend of 5 years. I’m 20 and I live at home still with my mom and two brothers, my mom says her love language is to do things for people and she is a single mom so she has basically been doing it all around the house for everyone as long as can remember as well as getting herself involved in everything in my life outside the house as well, she’s a single mom and has been for awhile so it’s hard for me to tell her to tone it back but I’ve found myself being resentful towards her when she’s doing things for me because I don’t even ask her to do the things. She is also rude to my girlfriend, they can’t even be in the same room anymore and my girlfriend has not came over to my house in months because my mom is passive aggressive towards my girlfriend, I’ve tried to set boundaries in the past but failed and it’s getting to the breaking point for me and my girlfriend, my mom just will not accept she is the problem and I have not been strong enough to set boundaries and stick to them with my mom
Any more tips?
Hi Josh- Might be time to move out. Sometimes physical boundaries are the most impactful ones while you are figuring out how to establish emotional boundaries. ❤️
i think im sabotaging my long term relationship with my poor communication skill and beleif patterns of abandonnement. I fear confrontation. I know we love each other and i wish to fix this cause i also lack self-esteem .
These two vids on healthy communication may help: th-cam.com/video/zEw9I9lyb6g/w-d-xo.html & th-cam.com/video/Ge34zyIhBRI/w-d-xo.html
Moments like this I really would have wished that my mom would have shown me all this stuff just came here from watching your mother wound video and it’s been dawning a lot last couple days that I need to set some boundaries and learn to forgive but not forget
I see you ❤️
How to set boundaries with a boss who keeps violating them? Taking doing overtime as something absolutely normal, etc. My colleague set boundaries and got sacked immediately... Any tips how to deal with him?
Check your legal options or go to human resources to see what the company policy is around overtime. Be smarter than him -don't provoke by drawing boundaries with hostility but also don't let him walk on you. Knowledge is power -so get the facts before taking a stand and if the atmosphere is too toxic for you to be a respected human -maybe start planning your exit. Wishing you the best of luck!
Thank you
I don't want a relationship ....be back tomorrow . You are ok. I leave. Intruders . I told mum not to ask. Men speak when they want to. The fact that they lie is a different thing. My ex violated my opinions from being mine. I can f encounter a man. Confront.
Actually, THIS is GREAT info. Not bad. I was f being firm with my ex. I do not want my social life here. 💕💜 MY LANGUAGE IS WHO I WANNA BE... I wish the op. That makes 2 boundaries....
This is so much help! Thank you!
Some standard sentences for example?
Need to talk closer to the microphone.
when NarcD uses anger to "kick me in the dance shins" or threatens what kind of response is acceptable? Like what can I try to calmly say (because if I scream then he gets what he wants an argument supply)?
Opt out by either saying, "I am def not having this conversation" or "I am not taking the bait so please stop trying to provoke me. If you want to have a real conversation, we can but not this same tired argument" But honestly if your person is a narc for real- any response you give they will find a way to drag you back in. Take care of you. xo
I found this helpful. Many thanks for the share.
So glad it was helpful for you ❤️
@@terri_cole I feel bad at times for setting boundaries with someone who experiences paranoia and distress as a result. It can seem cruel. Unfortunately I just can't always be a listening ear at times he needs somebody there to be a listening support (as much as I wish I could be). It's just unavoidable that I can't. :(
Of course, you're only human and have limited capacity ❤️ I highlight a client story that was similar here: th-cam.com/video/2_SZ1qjF7TY/w-d-xo.html She had a friend who would text her out of nowhere with an emotional dump and had to communicate that she needed to check in first before doing so.
I also have a video on boundaries and guilt in case it is helpful: th-cam.com/video/Yf8r5uYQABI/w-d-xo.html
@@terri_cole I appreciate all that Terri. Many thanks. Hoping you don't mind my asking this. What if the person making the texts or calls is going through some kind of psychosis related confusion episode at the time and has nobody else to turn to for help or support? This is why I'm struggling with guilt. We're both from the UK by the way.
Brilliant ❤
❤️
Great words of true wisdom. Thank you Terri
You are so welcome Lesley!
PS:
Join us for a weekly live stream and ask me ANY questions
We just launched our waiting list for The Real Love Revolution,
lots of free gifts and a free private Facebook Group ( just for women )
Click her to join for free: www.terricole.com/RLRwhoot!
I hate confrontation 100 %
I recently went to hang out with people I've met from a retreat and this person felt it was OK to include guys she's just met to go to the bar. I saw the signs that I was playing it cool bc she insisted I come along. Had I known I would have never showed up. While at the bar one of the guys thought it was OK to touch my butt. I quickly removed his hand from it and felt frozen that he just did that and blamed myself bc I felt like I missed something for him to think it was OK to do that. But I then decided to leave early. I still wish I should have reacted more towards to show them that that was not ok.
Thank you! Without exception, every one of your videos has amazing information with some extra bit of eye opening info I haven’t heard in other people’s videos.
Is there such a thing as a codependent procrastinator? I have no clue how to set boundaries, but the reason I do so much for people (even if they don’t ask) is because I’m afraid to do it for myself.
Thank you for the good advice. Had I seen this video before ..
What if you said yes and you would rather not like it afterwards? Do you have to apologize and explain yourself to a toxic person? I do not want to throw all my feelings on the table anymore .. But I said yes too soon ..oh oh..
This is great and I really loved the checklist. Thank you :)
Thank you for being here. I'm so happy the vid resonated with you! xo
Great information Thank you very much. Sharing with my daughter who needs to hear this as well. You are blessed in spirit by Buddha hands and healing heart. Many people have the same issues so this is wonderful.
Wow girl ur the bomb
⚡️⚡️👸🏻🏆
*16:00**. -end Set the boundary do not give explanation*
❤️
@@terri_cole ♥️
Shared with my friends!
How do to handle for example a spouse who questions you and benefits from the willingness of the other to Share be open but then when they ask in return they set strict boundaries .. it doesn’t seem healthy to do that where one spouse has full access but the other is rigid at limiting access ..
Awesome advice 😍🥰
Thank you!
I hate confrontation its painful..
I hear you. It doesn't have to be. It can be done with kindness and compassion. There are lots of resources here on my channel to help you with this!
Switch back
Beautiful
Most peoples fears have come to be because it has happened more then once, then they have these fears.
are emotional boundaries incompatible with Christianity?
I can't see how healthy relationships would be incompatible with any religion. That is my personal opinion.
Very safe answer. I mean to say that Christianity teaches that we should forgive our brother 77 times... A self sacrificial state of servitude. If this type of serving behavior does not actually help "our brother" but actually perpetuates their delusion, is there any benefit in "forgiving" them when they abuse us? Forgiving in this scenario specifically would actually be harmful to them.
Don’t throw pearls before swine
Thank you Terri🌺🌺🌺💖💖✨
❤️