“Not every emotional reaction I have is irrational.” I had to replay this part so I could write it down. I recently had an explosive reaction to something in my life (which I’m not proud of) and at the time, it felt like a major setback because in my mind, no “mentally healthy” person would have reacted with such intensity. I felt like I was all the way back at square one, in terms of my recovery. Looking back, I had to acknowledge that those circumstances would have broken just about anybody - but I had survived up until that particular catalyst and while I had a very emotionally intense reaction to that larger snowball, I’d managed to regulate my emotions well enough to not let comparatively smaller snowballs (that would have seemed enormous before my diagnosis) have the same effect. Every human being has a threshold, whether they have BPD or not, it’s simply about increasing that threshold and building your tolerance to things like rejection or betrayal over time - BUT also learning to develop healthy boundaries and principles to ensure things don’t progress to that point in the future. 🙏🏻
Sometimes, an unannounced controlled explosion is not only not that unusual, but can prove immensely beneficial. Just double check your facts, maintain control, and stand by your words and conduct.
Omg I literally yelled out loud when the girl was talking about how she tells herself she doesn’t like the person and then suddenly there’s a moment you become attached… this is so me 😂 and the lashing out inward versus only occasionally outward. THANK YOU for doing this series I feel so understood
Yes😂, attraction denial and then "well shi* now i cant ignore that, fine ill tell you" ... "too scary ;-; not good enough".... they would be happier with someone better suited for them who is not broken" .... " okay i cave i cant hide it anymore, yes i feel it too"😂😂
I can't count the number of people I have opened a door for and had them smile at me and say thank you. And in my head over the corse of the day will fantisize an entire life with that person, only to realize at the end of the day that I didn't even say hi to them and they have no clue who I am and likely didn't even give me a second thought after I opened and held the door open for. Never mind the actual unstable relationships I have had through out my life. I have curently burned every bridge behind me with familey and friends and have an unstable relationship at best with my wife and my therapist, don't get me wrong, Shannon is my rock, my stable place but sometimes a rock can also pull you under.
I hope one day to have a least one stable friendship. At present I have no friends, as I've come to the conclusion that it's better to be my own friend, as I'm not in a good place. I've pushed everyone away due to black and white thinking. I'm hopeful one day I'll find peace. It would be nice to not be a slave to my own brain 🙃
I used to push people away too, which always made me feel terrible. I wanted to be close to people, yet I hated being so vulnerable. I also struggled with low self esteem and feeling like I didn’t add value to any relationship or friendship. I was alone for a few years bc of it. I eventually learned to open up slowly to people and let friendships for naturally instead of clinging to people. I can say that I now have SOLID friends who are like family to me. I hope you find your inner peace. I definitely know how it feels to feel like you’re stuck in your own head.
I struggle with it to Joanne you're seriously not alone. I only have one friend and it's my ex boyfriend and it's been a struggle. Sometimes i think well if I'm alone no one can hurt me but it's like this weird self loathing thing I do. I get sad to because even the homeless have friend's. So depressing to think of. It also bothers me when people say they don't have friend's but clearly do and they just say it for attention it seems. When I say I have one friend it's literally just ONE FRIEND. So frusterating. Hope you feel better.
Love to you... My BF hasn't been diagnosed yet, but everything I hear here is him to a tee... Yet I share some traits as someone with CPTSD, so I GET what emotional dysregulation is, but also learned better coping skills. But I'm also like you, without friends... And through watching my guy I have so much compassion. I can understand a lot of the pain of BPD, but my level of suffering is less. So I imagine mine turned up all the time and it makes me unable to hold boundaries with him. I seem to care more about his emotional pain than about myself. I've been taking the verbal abuse and know if improvement doesn't come I'll HAVE to leave... While at the same time, the idea kills me. I feel the agony of isolation, so I truly hope you recover and find some real friends. We humans need and deserve connection with others. Much love to you.
i recently stumbled across this channel and let me just say, Thank You! I am newly diagnosed with BPD and i have had a constant struggle with finding people that i can relate to as I feel SOOOOOO alone, weird, and alienated by my condition. This channel gives me peace, hope, and joy 😊 I believe i will be in a better place one day ❤
I am so shocked. I was diagnosed with CPTSD but it wasn't in stone and I've been in a healing journey and in counseling for a couple years. I talked to my counseling about possible BPD. He said he thinks no because of impulsivity he feels I'm not impulsive. I worry even about what he thinks and haven't been able to share some things but I think at times I'm very impulsive. These videos seem like someone is reading my memoir. So good to hear people say things that I've tried to explain so many times
22:42 "... or hating them for what they did." In my experience, with suspected (undiagnosed) BPD, my potential emotional reaction could also be triggered by what I perceive of what They (partner, friend, family, co-worker) won't, can't, or don't do for me, too.
So I'm struggling so much with abandment ,my son who is 28 has been mostly estranged from me and it's so painful unbearable, and I never ever could identify what it was I suffered from until believe or not just in the year,it's was taboo bpd years ago not enough info or clinicians that were educated, finally there's a explanation to my behavior,but it cause damage to my children as they were growing up..I'm so grateful to this awareness and hope for the future..it's so challenging..is crying g part of the bpd,cause I sure do that alot ..it's like despair..I'm in n.j.and having a really hard time finding therapy that except my insurance ..any info would be appreciated..
Totally relate to oversharing and wanting to be completely known and understood and accepted and feeling connected to another person that way and feelilike the connection is severed if they misunderstand or aren’t seeming like they are in perfect harmony with me. Also relate to feeling very possessive and jealous when my best friend shows interest or attention to another person and fearing they will decide they like that person better than me and leave me for them.
wow... feeling so many emotions watching you all talk about these experiences each very personal to everyone. I was able to overcome my impulsivity with therapy but I'm still working on my other symptoms. I always relapse but im positive about seeing more improvements with time. Thank you for doing this podcast! xx
He reprehended our dog after she peed in the house. I didn’t like the way he handled it so I left and went on a drive with the dog for almost 3 hours. In all fairness he did use excessive force when dealing with a dog so I feel like anyone with emotions would be upset by that. But I will say I handled it wrong. This video helps me understand that I need to learn how to properly manage situations like that better.
I just found this channel and you guys are absolutely amazing. Thank you so much for sharing your lives like this. Do you happen to have an email address? I have a question or situation I guess that I'd like to get your thoughts on but it's long so I didn't want to do it here. But I think you guys can actually help me figure this out. And if not I got an idea for an episode for you because there's a real epidemic of people with borderline and substance abuse that are trapped once they enter the correctional system. My girlfriend is BPD and has been in and out of jail for 23 years and currently incarcerated again.
I laughed so hard when the guy said that for him finding people worse off made him feel better that's why I watch the news all the time because it's mostly people killing people are committing a crime and it's also why I like true crime youtube videos. lmao! I busted up laughing when he said that. I can also relate to how the blond lady said that she would try to get an emotional reaction out of her mother. Gah my mom is so codependent and non reactive super happy and bubbilly it drives me crazy so yes the emotional abuse I get.
That is so interesting what Alex said about the difficulty of integrating the idea of opposites existing in the same person (like not all good and not all bad but they do both and it doesn’t flip them to being all one or the other). I was wondering if the same concept of difficulty integrating is playing out for me with anger and love. Until recently i didn’t think it was possible for someone to be angry with me and to still love me at the same time. To me those are two emotions or thoughts that cannot coexist-belief that if someone is mad at me then they stopped loving me so i had to make them unmad at me so they would love me again. And i wonder also if it is cause inside i don’t seem to be able to hold those two emotions in my own self at the same time. When i become angry at someone i feel like my love for them goes away and i don’t feel it for them again until i am not angry with them anymore. 🤔 😞
It’s definitely an example of black or white thinking, which is the same kind of issue as struggling to integrate the opposites of someone being all good or all bad this is one of the reasons why dialectical behavior therapy is so helpful for people with BPD because it deals with integrating seemingly opposing thoughts
That sounds like a really bad thing to lie about. I’m not a mental health professional (just a person with BPD) but when I pushed people away, I didn’t do it by lying. I did it more by my behaviors. (Doing things that would make anyone want to leave) if someone lies about something THAT serious, that’s a huge red flag, regardless of any diagnosis they may have.
Devaluing someone is simply the act of making them seem less valuable or important by assigning exaggerated negative qualities and disregarding their positive ones. Most people engage in some amount of devaluing when they break up because for people who do not have a psychological disorder, it can be advantageous. For a lot of people being able to say “oh well he/she/they were a jerk anyway, so I’m better off without them” is effective because seeing the person as just a “jerk” helps them to move on. And yes, that is a form of devaluing because it means seeing someone unilaterally as a jerk and disregarding their positive qualities. Focusing on the things that were not good and disregard the positive things, can sometimes be helpful in the short term to disconnect from an ended relationship. But for people who have BPD or other psychological disorders, there tend to be other factors that can cause the devaluing to be extreme and also lead to more dysfunctional behavior. Essentially, it’s not a difference in category it’s a difference of degree. And while it’s true that some people with BPD may devalue someone extremely and for long period of time, there are a lot of other people with BPD who are only able to maintain devalued thoughts about someone for a few hours to a few days maximum.
@@thebpdbunch I'm just saying that I've been in many relationships and I've NEVER thought of someone as a jerk after they broke up with me. My most recent ex had quiet BPD. I was just straight up confused by her behavior. Two months together were good. A couple little arguments, not really arguments but times when she lost her temper. And then I left town to go back to the US for 6 weeks. And then.. she said that she no longer wanted to have a LTR, despite telling me when we started that she desperately wanted one. Now she said she'd just take care of herself. (she had an eating disorder before and now felt she was getting fat). And she said she'd just have flings instead of a relationship. Ayways! TMI, but instead of just getting PO with her, I figured out what was going on & learned about BPD. Now I KNOW I would not want to continue a relationship with her. I'm 51 and want to start a family, soon. I don't have years to wait for DBT to do it's thing. She's 33 and I hope she can pull it together.
The main speaker is sooooo loud on each of the episodes. I have to turn it down. Please for the love of GOD move your microphone further away. It's really loud. 😭😭😭😭
It’s just the phone microphone 😭Our first season episodes were our first go at editing, so it took a while to figure out how to equalize the noise. Our season three and four audio are much better!
Jay fucked me up with his first point in clinging to people worse off than me, mind opening
“Not every emotional reaction I have is irrational.” I had to replay this part so I could write it down. I recently had an explosive reaction to something in my life (which I’m not proud of) and at the time, it felt like a major setback because in my mind, no “mentally healthy” person would have reacted with such intensity.
I felt like I was all the way back at square one, in terms of my recovery. Looking back, I had to acknowledge that those circumstances would have broken just about anybody - but I had survived up until that particular catalyst and while I had a very emotionally intense reaction to that larger snowball, I’d managed to regulate my emotions well enough to not let comparatively smaller snowballs (that would have seemed enormous before my diagnosis) have the same effect.
Every human being has a threshold, whether they have BPD or not, it’s simply about increasing that threshold and building your tolerance to things like rejection or betrayal over time - BUT also learning to develop healthy boundaries and principles to ensure things don’t progress to that point in the future. 🙏🏻
Sometimes, an unannounced controlled explosion is not only not that unusual, but can prove immensely beneficial. Just double check your facts, maintain control, and stand by your words and conduct.
Omg I literally yelled out loud when the girl was talking about how she tells herself she doesn’t like the person and then suddenly there’s a moment you become attached… this is so me 😂 and the lashing out inward versus only occasionally outward. THANK YOU for doing this series I feel so understood
Yes😂, attraction denial and then "well shi* now i cant ignore that, fine ill tell you" ... "too scary ;-; not good enough".... they would be happier with someone better suited for them who is not broken" .... " okay i cave i cant hide it anymore, yes i feel it too"😂😂
This has been so much of what has been normal for me for so long that I didn’t even realize it was a diagnosis.
I can't count the number of people I have opened a door for and had them smile at me and say thank you. And in my head over the corse of the day will fantisize an entire life with that person, only to realize at the end of the day that I didn't even say hi to them and they have no clue who I am and likely didn't even give me a second thought after I opened and held the door open for. Never mind the actual unstable relationships I have had through out my life. I have curently burned every bridge behind me with familey and friends and have an unstable relationship at best with my wife and my therapist, don't get me wrong, Shannon is my rock, my stable place but sometimes a rock can also pull you under.
I hope one day to have a least one stable friendship. At present I have no friends, as I've come to the conclusion that it's better to be my own friend, as I'm not in a good place. I've pushed everyone away due to black and white thinking. I'm hopeful one day I'll find peace. It would be nice to not be a slave to my own brain 🙃
I used to push people away too, which always made me feel terrible. I wanted to be close to people, yet I hated being so vulnerable. I also struggled with low self esteem and feeling like I didn’t add value to any relationship or friendship. I was alone for a few years bc of it. I eventually learned to open up slowly to people and let friendships for naturally instead of clinging to people. I can say that I now have SOLID friends who are like family to me.
I hope you find your inner peace. I definitely know how it feels to feel like you’re stuck in your own head.
I struggle with it to Joanne you're seriously not alone. I only have one friend and it's my ex boyfriend and it's been a struggle. Sometimes i think well if I'm alone no one can hurt me but it's like this weird self loathing thing I do. I get sad to because even the homeless have friend's. So depressing to think of. It also bothers me when people say they don't have friend's but clearly do and they just say it for attention it seems. When I say I have one friend it's literally just ONE FRIEND. So frusterating. Hope you feel better.
Love to you... My BF hasn't been diagnosed yet, but everything I hear here is him to a tee...
Yet I share some traits as someone with CPTSD, so I GET what emotional dysregulation is, but also learned better coping skills. But I'm also like you, without friends... And through watching my guy I have so much compassion.
I can understand a lot of the pain of BPD, but my level of suffering is less. So I imagine mine turned up all the time and it makes me unable to hold boundaries with him.
I seem to care more about his emotional pain than about myself. I've been taking the verbal abuse and know if improvement doesn't come I'll HAVE to leave... While at the same time, the idea kills me.
I feel the agony of isolation, so I truly hope you recover and find some real friends. We humans need and deserve connection with others. Much love to you.
I'm hoping for one stable friendship too : ) 🤞
This made me cry. I am in the same place. It's so lonely and I feel so hopeless.
These videos are so beyond helpful, I wish there were videos like this for every mental health condition lol
The part where she reminded us it’s possible to have stable relationships really helped me tonight. Thank you for giving me hope❤
Show request: Please do a show of self confidence and insecurity.
This is the first to make me cry just listening to it.
I’m literally being slapped in the face with self realization! Thank you guys!!! I absolutely love this show. I used to feel so alone!!!!
i recently stumbled across this channel and let me just say, Thank You! I am newly diagnosed with BPD and i have had a constant struggle with finding people that i can relate to as I feel SOOOOOO alone, weird, and alienated by my condition. This channel gives me peace, hope, and joy 😊 I believe i will be in a better place one day ❤
I am so shocked. I was diagnosed with CPTSD but it wasn't in stone and I've been in a healing journey and in counseling for a couple years. I talked to my counseling about possible BPD. He said he thinks no because of impulsivity he feels I'm not impulsive. I worry even about what he thinks and haven't been able to share some things but I think at times I'm very impulsive. These videos seem like someone is reading my memoir. So good to hear people say things that I've tried to explain so many times
22:42 "... or hating them for what they did."
In my experience, with suspected (undiagnosed) BPD, my potential emotional reaction could also be triggered by what I perceive of what They (partner, friend, family, co-worker) won't, can't, or don't do for me, too.
What an episode. 🖤
So I'm struggling so much with abandment ,my son who is 28 has been mostly estranged from me and it's so painful unbearable, and I never ever could identify what it was I suffered from until believe or not just in the year,it's was taboo bpd years ago not enough info or clinicians that were educated, finally there's a explanation to my behavior,but it cause damage to my children as they were growing up..I'm so grateful to this awareness and hope for the future..it's so challenging..is crying g part of the bpd,cause I sure do that alot ..it's like despair..I'm in n.j.and having a really hard time finding therapy that except my insurance ..any info would be appreciated..
I know you posted this comment a while back, but I hope you found a therapist and you feel better. 🫂
Totally relate to oversharing and wanting to be completely known and understood and accepted and feeling connected to another person that way and feelilike the connection is severed if they misunderstand or aren’t seeming like they are in perfect harmony with me. Also relate to feeling very possessive and jealous when my best friend shows interest or attention to another person and fearing they will decide they like that person better than me and leave me for them.
wow... feeling so many emotions watching you all talk about these experiences each very personal to everyone. I was able to overcome my impulsivity with therapy but I'm still working on my other symptoms. I always relapse but im positive about seeing more improvements with time. Thank you for doing this podcast! xx
I am loving the episodes though. ❤
He reprehended our dog after she peed in the house. I didn’t like the way he handled it so I left and went on a drive with the dog for almost 3 hours. In all fairness he did use excessive force when dealing with a dog so I feel like anyone with emotions would be upset by that. But I will say I handled it wrong. This video helps me understand that I need to learn how to properly manage situations like that better.
I just found this channel and you guys are absolutely amazing. Thank you so much for sharing your lives like this. Do you happen to have an email address? I have a question or situation I guess that I'd like to get your thoughts on but it's long so I didn't want to do it here. But I think you guys can actually help me figure this out. And if not I got an idea for an episode for you because there's a real epidemic of people with borderline and substance abuse that are trapped once they enter the correctional system. My girlfriend is BPD and has been in and out of jail for 23 years and currently incarcerated again.
You can email us at xannie@thebpdbunch.com and we also have a Facebook discussion group, facebook.com/share/tpaRf5ojJTSQ9fyv/?mibextid=K35XfP
Another great episode, thank you so much!
I laughed so hard when the guy said that for him finding people worse off made him feel better that's why I watch the news all the time because it's mostly people killing people are committing a crime and it's also why I like true crime youtube videos. lmao! I busted up laughing when he said that. I can also relate to how the blond lady said that she would try to get an emotional reaction out of her mother. Gah my mom is so codependent and non reactive super happy and bubbilly it drives me crazy so yes the emotional abuse I get.
so helpful, thank you
That is so interesting what Alex said about the difficulty of integrating the idea of opposites existing in the same person (like not all good and not all bad but they do both and it doesn’t flip them to being all one or the other). I was wondering if the same concept of difficulty integrating is playing out for me with anger and love. Until recently i didn’t think it was possible for someone to be angry with me and to still love me at the same time. To me those are two emotions or thoughts that cannot coexist-belief that if someone is mad at me then they stopped loving me so i had to make them unmad at me so they would love me again. And i wonder also if it is cause inside i don’t seem to be able to hold those two emotions in my own self at the same time. When i become angry at someone i feel like my love for them goes away and i don’t feel it for them again until i am not angry with them anymore. 🤔 😞
It’s definitely an example of black or white thinking, which is the same kind of issue as struggling to integrate the opposites of someone being all good or all bad this is one of the reasons why dialectical behavior therapy is so helpful for people with BPD because it deals with integrating seemingly opposing thoughts
THANK YOU
You’re welcome!!!
Do you guys think someone with untreated BPD would lie and tell their partner that they have cancer just to push them away?
That sounds like a really bad thing to lie about. I’m not a mental health professional (just a person with BPD) but when I pushed people away, I didn’t do it by lying. I did it more by my behaviors. (Doing things that would make anyone want to leave) if someone lies about something THAT serious, that’s a huge red flag, regardless of any diagnosis they may have.
When non BPD break up we DO NOT devalue. A BPD devalue can be 100% and that 100% black can go on for quite some time. My experience anyways.
Devaluing someone is simply the act of making them seem less valuable or important by assigning exaggerated negative qualities and disregarding their positive ones. Most people engage in some amount of devaluing when they break up because for people who do not have a psychological disorder, it can be advantageous. For a lot of people being able to say “oh well he/she/they were a jerk anyway, so I’m better off without them” is effective because seeing the person as just a “jerk” helps them to move on. And yes, that is a form of devaluing because it means seeing someone unilaterally as a jerk and disregarding their positive qualities. Focusing on the things that were not good and disregard the positive things, can sometimes be helpful in the short term to disconnect from an ended relationship.
But for people who have BPD or other psychological disorders, there tend to be other factors that can cause the devaluing to be extreme and also lead to more dysfunctional behavior.
Essentially, it’s not a difference in category it’s a difference of degree.
And while it’s true that some people with BPD may devalue someone extremely and for long period of time, there are a lot of other people with BPD who are only able to maintain devalued thoughts about someone for a few hours to a few days maximum.
@@thebpdbunch I'm just saying that I've been in many relationships and I've NEVER thought of someone as a jerk after they broke up with me.
My most recent ex had quiet BPD. I was just straight up confused by her behavior. Two months together were good. A couple little arguments, not really arguments but times when she lost her temper. And then I left town to go back to the US for 6 weeks. And then.. she said that she no longer wanted to have a LTR, despite telling me when we started that she desperately wanted one. Now she said she'd just take care of herself. (she had an eating disorder before and now felt she was getting fat). And she said she'd just have flings instead of a relationship.
Ayways! TMI, but instead of just getting PO with her, I figured out what was going on & learned about BPD.
Now I KNOW I would not want to continue a relationship with her. I'm 51 and want to start a family, soon. I don't have years to wait for DBT to do it's thing.
She's 33 and I hope she can pull it together.
The main speaker is sooooo loud on each of the episodes. I have to turn it down. Please for the love of GOD move your microphone further away. It's really loud. 😭😭😭😭
It’s just the phone microphone 😭Our first season episodes were our first go at editing, so it took a while to figure out how to equalize the noise. Our season three and four audio are much better!
𝐩яⓞ𝓂𝓞Ş𝐦 ✋