Same, sick of explaining stuff to be shouted at for "talking down" to people or having what I just explained disregarded. It's exhausting having a normal convo go into an argument because of something they have perceived and when I try and reassure people that's not what I ment it gets disregarded.
I so get it. I have like descriptive scripts to preface certain stories/ explanations. I can't tell when people are genuinely asking me the same question later on to tease me for it or not but there is often giggling involved. I also verbally process things so I have to talk about something a lot in order to process my own feelings related to it. This has gotten me into some trouble before
Feel free to over explain and ramble on here, guaranteed most people who watch your content will listen and probably understand what your talking about, and are happy to listen.
This video helped me realize that when I'm over-explaining, it's often *the fact that i feel i need to overexplain* that i am explaining... LIke, "I know i'm saying a lot and it sounds disjointed but I promise all these caveats make sense if you're me, because my experience has been...blah blah etc"
As autists I think we tend to swing between extremes in conversation. On the one hand we can stay silent or barely contribute and on the other we can talk for far too long, either going into too much detail or repeating pretty much the same points time and again. I have certainly been guilty of both faults. I think the excess detail can either be due to feeling strongly about an issue or just not wanting others to miss out on key details but in the end just giving them too much. The key is to be concise but it's hard to do. Maybe we're also moving towards a culture that wants things short and simple and finds listening or reading at length difficult, no matter how important the communication. Perhaps this is the TLDR generation and that especially disadvantages autists who like detail and exploring things in depth.
God, i feel this with every fibre of my being. The amount of times I've caught myself overexplaining my actions coz if i dont make every bit of what im trying to say PERFECTLY CLEAR, my brain sees that as straight up lying to their face.
!!! Dana, I relate to so many of your videos, but THIS. THIS! I have never related to anything more, every point you brought up is something I do/experience down to the detail and it is one of the most frustrating parts about my flavour of autism and communicating with people.
I expected this video to be much longer :P (Just kidding.) I run into the same kinds of misunderstandings. I feel less lonely hearing from someone else who gets them. I used to say that I often speak the obvious because I didn't know it was obvious. (I don't say it anymore, but it still happens.) Conversely, sometimes I'd say something that's obvious to me and the other person's mind is blown. I was a lot more concise back then. I'm not anymore because I realized people were acting like they understood when they didn't. I'm not sure my current wordiness is often worth the trouble, though (I mean in person, not here).
i’m very passionate about a lot of my hobbies/interests, and it always makes me self conscious whenever i talk “too much” about them, especially with academic interests like math. i never want to come across as pompous; i just want people to know how much i enjoy my interests and i want other people to experience that same enjoyment.
I was talking with my fellow auDHD bestie about all of this, it's such a vicious cycle and so so hard to go through inside... -starting with feeling utterly misunderstood and alone -trying to figure out how to communicate these thoughts and feelings with our loved ones (writing them out, prepping scripts and discussing with ND friends how to approach) -facing a confused expression and questions I can't answer when in the conversation with allistic friends/partner -falling down the hole of over explaining -> dissociating -> registering you're in autopilot mode and have no idea what you've actually been talking about! 😅 -feeling even more misunderstood and invalidated ❤❤❤ if you read this comment I hope you have found some validation and you are doing ok today
I did this a lot before. Then I got burnt out and I just don't have the energy anymore. That's both a relief as it almost never pay off anyway, but I also feel invisible when I never feel that people SEE me. I don't know what they see but I'm almost invisible even to myself at the moment. I have to start talking more again but maybe to people who will understand and is interested to understand if they don't. "Autism from the inside" have a great video on this topic as well.
I think that people who do value precise or detailed information prefer somebody who communicates clearly! Clear and open communication in relationships is something neurotypicals struggle with, not because they are unable to but because of fear of not being accepted, particularly in saying what they genuinely mean, or elaborating about their particular needs and feelings. In a way, I think that the autistic position in this is the sane one. Furthermore, people use vagueness all the time to lie to other people, to remain undecided, to lie to themselves and misunderstandings and manipulation is generally a problem out in the world, so I think most people would benefit from not only requiring that people are clear and detailed, but being that themselves.
@@srldwg I don't think it's a neurotype problem primarily, as I think how people communicate depends a lot on their maturity. So mostly a spiritual problem, as lasting understanding through growth is more effective than spreading awareness, although that's important as well. I understand how you feel, but I think a powerful truth has a lot more lasting potential than many lies/ignorant statements. One brave person willing communicate something is a lot if the truth bears weight.
I’ve learnt I have to assess their knowledge of the subject before starting to avoid the issue of them feeling talked down to. Saying to the other person what’s your understanding of this thing before crafting my explanation helps. Also helps get them engaged in my infodump. It’s exhausting.
100% can relate :) very new on accepting my obvious autism (36y) and just stumbled across your channel : ) i catch myself rambling on and the people around me look at me perplexed and that triggers a need to explain even more. your video reminded me about myself overexplaining, so it might come across as incoherent babbling to neurotypicals but i get it! keep it up
No matter how few or how much words you use, people won't understand it, only the ones that are in the same situation as you yourself are, also actions and events speak louder than words will.
There's actually, I ran across this really super offensive Neurotypical guy on TH-cam who is publishing all these videos on how to spot deception, and almost every video is describing Autistic traits and saying 'these people are out to deceive you.' So I do believe some of what you're describing is coming from others listening to this dis-information. And, I'm with you in how it affects an Autistic person.
@@UnvisibleGirl There's a channel by the name of The Body Language Guy that did a video on Elon Musk that actually wasn't all that bad, a couple language choices and misleading generalizations aside. He knew a lot more than I was expecting, but the bar was VERY low, so I guess that's not saying much.
@@MaryKDayPetrano autistic traits do have overlap with deception tells. Eye contact is tough for both autistics and liars for similar reasons. For me with autism eye contact is just intense. I struggle to focus on the conversation and the eye contact. Someone telling a lie can experience the same intense feelings. They know they are being deceitful and guilt is a powerful emotion. Maintaining eye contact isn't an indicator of honesty though. Good liars will look you right in the eye. They need to see if you buy the lie or if they need to pivot.
@@ghoulthebraineater You get it wrong. "Intense feelings" have nothing to do with it; it's all about being able to hear the speaker and what the speaker is saying and I can't do that if I'm making eye contact. I can only use one sense at a time.
I also tend to over explain. The “typical” indirect way of having a conversation is confusing. With new people it feels like playing a strategy game while riding a bike. My friends and family will tell me directly if they don’t know much about a topic I bring up. Though I still worry sometimes that I am boring them. 👾
Yeah I feel this... I just got yelled at by my lawyer today for doing this. I just saw myself as giving him the information he needed to help protect me and my kids and got accused of being manipulative. I just found out about 8 months ago that myself and one of my daughters are on the spectrum and was like yeah that makes sense. Pretty sure my other two daughters are also but all the signs were just normal things to me. I appreciate what you do here it has been very helpful and validating to my life experiences.
It can be a downward spiral. Two bits of advice: Before you start laying things out before having a conversation, ask what people know about the topic. Then you can go on from there. And try not to justify yourself if it's not required. That can at least help to reduce overexplaining.
I do information dumps in conversations, where I get into an unstoppable momentum of talking. But I gave up on anyone understanding me really early in life, and never try to explain my motivations or behavior. I like my Italian relatives' style of conversation, because it has a completely different set of assumptions than the U.S. or Britain. Italians realize that people talk because they like to talk, not so much to communicate. Four Italians can all be talking at the same time, and no one feels peeved that no one is really listening. If someone drops something really interesting, the others will stop and listen, but as soon as it gets boring they will start talking again. There's an acceptance of the underlying reality that it's a lot more fun to talk than to listen.
This is very interesting to me! Personally, I don't think I'd be into this style of communication at all, mostly because I speak, and assume that other people speak, when they have something important to say. But I see, that if you understand the cultural context, there are many upsides to it. I find it fascinating that different cultures, even subcultures or people have different conversational assumptions. I often like to talk about things I'm interested in and although I can handle smalltalk it's infinitely boring to me. I have some creative solutions to this, such as looking for jokes or interesting or unlikely observations every day life, sharing that, and it usually works. I help myself unbore myself so that I can engage, essentially. However, as people don't seem to know that my brain works like this, I can have seemingly bland statements be mistaken as smalltalk, although I feel very strongly about them, such as commenting on the weather. Because I will only do so if I am genuinely moved and delighted with the weather. It's usually followed by slight frustration on my end trying to find the words of why I particularly like how the light shines through the clouds right now, but because of others assumptions that I was trying to just say something for the sake of it, they always seem confused. Why is he elaborating on the weather? I find it funny that something so simple as being happy about beautiful weather can not be taken for what it is.
@@an8790 If I get really bored with a conversation I sometimes hijack it by introducing a topic that is more interesting, and might be of general interest. This often doesn't work. I might also make jokes or funny observations, or add something that is related but more interesting. I am fairly aggressive in trying to liven up conversations. I've had a lifetime of practice doing this, and am reasonably smooth about it. That's not to say it's all that successful. Boring people never have much to say that is not boring. As for my special interests, I assume no one will be interested, and that I will be thought of as weird if I bring them up. I liked university because my fellow students were often studying really strange stuff, and wanted to find someone to talk about these topics. Conversations were a lot more free-ranging, and you were not considered weird for having peculiar interests. I think a lot of people are actually insecure about talking about substantive stuff, because they might be thought uneducated or stupid. I don't really understand this. I think of everyday conversation more as a form of play than as a way to gain (or lose) social status.
@@steveneardley7541What is boring to you doesn't mean it is boring to others. Hijacking a conversation seems like there could be less listening to the dynamic of the conversation, and whether or not it is wiser to contribute (even with jokes or outside the box questions) than to take over. I am, only looking at this from a perspective and recent situations in my life. (I am 48, paired down my circle and interactions alot over the past 12 years - found out that I was autistic and have ADHD combined at age 46.) Conversations are overwhelming and confusing to me. Sharing things with someone close, having great interpersonal interactions, connecting and sharing things with certain people close to you, makes sense to me. I definitely think that you would be the person who would come in handy when me and a couple of others sit together, awkwardly interacting. The person who gets everyone's attention and gives them a topic to focus on and ponder. For me, just listening to that person, even if I'm not fully interested in the topic is enjoyable because I get to learn something knew and meet a new person.
Yes to this. But more generally, thank you for speaking so clearly about a range of important topics. You make make excellent videos and they are appreciated.
thank you for talking about this! I noticed when I switched to getting therapy from the center for autism near me (I know I always relate things back to this, ahhhh kill me), the therapists there have asked me if I want them to interject and redirect, or if I'm going on an over-explaining bender because I just NEED to talk to someone who won't think I'm annoying. I've tried it both ways, having some sessions where I ask them to let me know if I get off track from the original emotional core idea because in order to mention the person I'm talking about, I have to give their full background info or something, and then the other way, where they let me go off and we just see where the road takes us. I think it depends on my overall wellbeing if I can handle redirects or not. Also tho, I did have an experience in the past where a coworker told me that when I write emails, it sounds like I'm telling a story, which makes it sound like I'm lying. That hurt my feelings so much and it's 15 years later and I still think about it seemingly all the time! I wish it would go away.
You are not alone, Dana. I have experienced this for decades and im constantly being misunderstood by neurotypical folks and when I try to explain what I really mean, they get more angry!
I think I kinda understand, 've been trying to push myself to socialize for years and I still feel like nobodys mind works like mine. Starting to feel like I'm in a rare subcategory or something of consciousness. I seem to either be constantly bouncing from one situation to the next and never getting proper communication or traction ever while everyone else is lost in their talks. When I do try to talk with people I'm blank unless something they say triggers some thoughts and usually I just feel progressively worse the longer I talk to most people and thennnnn I just wanna go sit by myself with headphones on. Then there's people that get upset if I dont respond to their messages or calls... But when I make the effort to actually send a good message its like they dont even see it or respond to it. I feel that those people are being codependent in an unhealthy way and are draining my energy. They want to interact in their way and act like I'm being cruel or messed up for not doing what they want, but they dont meet halfway at all, and I dont complain when they ignore me because I dont want to be seen as manipulative. Truly do wonder when I'll run into anyone who thinks like me. When people make assumptions about me I really don't make much effort to defend myself lately. Maybe some people feel better being able to label others for some reason. It's also a possibility that the people who accuse others of acting like they're better are actually feeling dumb and instead of admitting it they acuse another of acting like theyre better, projecting their self dissatisfaction onto another through a blame game, which is a toxic behavior I dont have time for if it turns out to be consistent and one sided. Everyone has bad moments but whats important is how theyre handled. Hopefully my comment makes someone able to relate and feel less like an alien on this planet. 🐌
For me, details and context are important. The context of this comment is explaining things in a work environment. I have difficulty understanding when people understand what I told them. They need to come out directly and verbalize their understanding. Quite often, I do not pay attention to a person's face when I'm talking to them. Even if I'm looking at them, it's more like I'm looking in their direction. So I do not register any nonverbal indication that they understand my point or instruction. So, I just continue explaining until I get the verbal "Ok, I understand."
Oh SOOOOOOO much Yes to this!!! I never feel like I'm allowed to fully explain myself, or I'm brushed off or dismissed because no one has the time to actually listen to me. I've never felt understood. 💚
Yes ! There was an autistic helping organization that I pled to for help with my social skills, by email. They were eager to be of help until some manager phoned to talk with me. She quickly went from helpful to getting rid of me with a closing comment "We will try to put something together for you" and hung up. Never heard from them again. I know vocally I came across as too dumb to be worth helping. Is she not supposed to be experienced enough to expect trouble talking ? Especially since my emails were neurotypically acceptable.
yeah i mean i overexplain in comments unless i put great effort into not doing just that. i hate it bc i know it's not as much fun reading it as much i'm trying to convey something peculiar
Do we over explain or do they under understand? I often feel like they are willfully ignorant because how else could they not understand such basic things. Fortunately, TH-cam exists so that people can over explain. Otherwise the videos would be shorter and they wouldn’t be able to show so many ads.
YT keeps track of everyone who comments. If two different people make the exact same comment, one might be deleted while the other is left alone. It all depends on what the algorithm thinks about you. I've seen my comments immediately deleted on other channels and tried to reword them until they stayed. I've had to adjust my vocabulary accordingly, and I'm talking about innocent words, not cuss words or violent phrases. I'd give an example, but obviously I can't. Oh, maybe it'll work if I spell it backwords: "ezitavirp". I've seen people post links. I've had scambots try to trick me with links. But I can't post links. I can't post YT links. I can't even post YT half links. No work around seems to work for that.
Yeah, all that, snap! There's a guilt attached to it too. Like i'm guilty of bombarding people! I can't leave it out, but then i miss other bits anyway. You have to find someone or somewhere to vent where the audience will understand and just stfu until you wrap it all up in a bow at the end.🩵
I total relate to this, I hate when Im explaining something & the other person says something like "kev, just get to the point" only to ignore you or say thats nice. Feeling the need to share & nobody's interested, Or the one person you thought might be says "i dont care" but thell happily chat about football or golf for hours.🥱
Anxiety around being misunderstood and the need to overexplain myself is the bane of my existence,
Same, sick of explaining stuff to be shouted at for "talking down" to people or having what I just explained disregarded. It's exhausting having a normal convo go into an argument because of something they have perceived and when I try and reassure people that's not what I ment it gets disregarded.
@@UnvisibleGirl and then they wonder why you lose your sh"t
I so get it. I have like descriptive scripts to preface certain stories/ explanations. I can't tell when people are genuinely asking me the same question later on to tease me for it or not but there is often giggling involved. I also verbally process things so I have to talk about something a lot in order to process my own feelings related to it. This has gotten me into some trouble before
Feel free to over explain and ramble on here, guaranteed most people who watch your content will listen and probably understand what your talking about, and are happy to listen.
This video helped me realize that when I'm over-explaining, it's often *the fact that i feel i need to overexplain* that i am explaining... LIke, "I know i'm saying a lot and it sounds disjointed but I promise all these caveats make sense if you're me, because my experience has been...blah blah etc"
I get accused of making excuses, which leaves my head feeling like its going to explode.
I'm sorry about that 😢
@@srldwg is what it is I guess
As autists I think we tend to swing between extremes in conversation. On the one hand we can stay silent or barely contribute and on the other we can talk for far too long, either going into too much detail or repeating pretty much the same points time and again. I have certainly been guilty of both faults. I think the excess detail can either be due to feeling strongly about an issue or just not wanting others to miss out on key details but in the end just giving them too much. The key is to be concise but it's hard to do. Maybe we're also moving towards a culture that wants things short and simple and finds listening or reading at length difficult, no matter how important the communication. Perhaps this is the TLDR generation and that especially disadvantages autists who like detail and exploring things in depth.
God, i feel this with every fibre of my being. The amount of times I've caught myself overexplaining my actions coz if i dont make every bit of what im trying to say PERFECTLY CLEAR, my brain sees that as straight up lying to their face.
!!! Dana, I relate to so many of your videos, but THIS. THIS! I have never related to anything more, every point you brought up is something I do/experience down to the detail and it is one of the most frustrating parts about my flavour of autism and communicating with people.
I expected this video to be much longer :P
(Just kidding.)
I run into the same kinds of misunderstandings. I feel less lonely hearing from someone else who gets them. I used to say that I often speak the obvious because I didn't know it was obvious. (I don't say it anymore, but it still happens.) Conversely, sometimes I'd say something that's obvious to me and the other person's mind is blown. I was a lot more concise back then. I'm not anymore because I realized people were acting like they understood when they didn't. I'm not sure my current wordiness is often worth the trouble, though (I mean in person, not here).
i’m very passionate about a lot of my hobbies/interests, and it always makes me self conscious whenever i talk “too much” about them, especially with academic interests like math. i never want to come across as pompous; i just want people to know how much i enjoy my interests and i want other people to experience that same enjoyment.
I was talking with my fellow auDHD bestie about all of this, it's such a vicious cycle and so so hard to go through inside...
-starting with feeling utterly misunderstood and alone
-trying to figure out how to communicate these thoughts and feelings with our loved ones (writing them out, prepping scripts and discussing with ND friends how to approach)
-facing a confused expression and questions I can't answer when in the conversation with allistic friends/partner
-falling down the hole of over explaining -> dissociating -> registering you're in autopilot mode and have no idea what you've actually been talking about! 😅
-feeling even more misunderstood and invalidated
❤❤❤ if you read this comment I hope you have found some validation and you are doing ok today
💙💙
6:05 i felt this statement with my soul lol😭
Same :,)
I did this a lot before. Then I got burnt out and I just don't have the energy anymore. That's both a relief as it almost never pay off anyway, but I also feel invisible when I never feel that people SEE me. I don't know what they see but I'm almost invisible even to myself at the moment.
I have to start talking more again but maybe to people who will understand and is interested to understand if they don't.
"Autism from the inside" have a great video on this topic as well.
I think that people who do value precise or detailed information prefer somebody who communicates clearly!
Clear and open communication in relationships is something neurotypicals struggle with, not because they are unable to but because of fear of not being accepted, particularly in saying what they genuinely mean, or elaborating about their particular needs and feelings. In a way, I think that the autistic position in this is the sane one. Furthermore, people use vagueness all the time to lie to other people, to remain undecided, to lie to themselves and misunderstandings and manipulation is generally a problem out in the world, so I think most people would benefit from not only requiring that people are clear and detailed, but being that themselves.
@@an8790Well, I wish you luck putting those requirements into place!
(If only. Right?)
@@srldwg I don't think it's a neurotype problem primarily, as I think how people communicate depends a lot on their maturity. So mostly a spiritual problem, as lasting understanding through growth is more effective than spreading awareness, although that's important as well. I understand how you feel, but I think a powerful truth has a lot more lasting potential than many lies/ignorant statements. One brave person willing communicate something is a lot if the truth bears weight.
I’ve learnt I have to assess their knowledge of the subject before starting to avoid the issue of them feeling talked down to. Saying to the other person what’s your understanding of this thing before crafting my explanation helps. Also helps get them engaged in my infodump. It’s exhausting.
This is one of the most exhausting types of interactions
Same here...
I understand 100% this is my experience as well.
I’ve given up on other people. Like, if they don’t just get it, I won’t talk to them again
You described the last 44 years of my life.
100% can relate :)
very new on accepting my obvious autism (36y) and just stumbled across your channel : )
i catch myself rambling on and the people around me look at me perplexed and that triggers a need to explain even more.
your video reminded me about myself overexplaining, so it might come across as incoherent babbling to neurotypicals but i get it!
keep it up
No matter how few or how much words you use, people won't understand it, only the ones that are in the same situation as you yourself are, also actions and events speak louder than words will.
Skill issue
They could try a little cognitive empathy.
people think im patronising them but i dont know what they know. usually not alot tbf.
This exactly
There's actually, I ran across this really super offensive Neurotypical guy on TH-cam who is publishing all these videos on how to spot deception, and almost every video is describing Autistic traits and saying 'these people are out to deceive you.' So I do believe some of what you're describing is coming from others listening to this dis-information. And, I'm with you in how it affects an Autistic person.
Theres a whole genres( why is this word so hard to spell >.< ) of youtubers who do this tbh, they called "body language experts" 🙃
@@MaryKDayPetrano also doesn't help that diagnosis traits of narcissism mirror some autistic traits
@@UnvisibleGirl There's a channel by the name of The Body Language Guy that did a video on Elon Musk that actually wasn't all that bad, a couple language choices and misleading generalizations aside. He knew a lot more than I was expecting, but the bar was VERY low, so I guess that's not saying much.
@@MaryKDayPetrano autistic traits do have overlap with deception tells. Eye contact is tough for both autistics and liars for similar reasons. For me with autism eye contact is just intense. I struggle to focus on the conversation and the eye contact. Someone telling a lie can experience the same intense feelings. They know they are being deceitful and guilt is a powerful emotion.
Maintaining eye contact isn't an indicator of honesty though. Good liars will look you right in the eye. They need to see if you buy the lie or if they need to pivot.
@@ghoulthebraineater You get it wrong. "Intense feelings" have nothing to do with it; it's all about being able to hear the speaker and what the speaker is saying and I can't do that if I'm making eye contact. I can only use one sense at a time.
I also tend to over explain. The “typical” indirect way of having a conversation is confusing. With new people it feels like playing a strategy game while riding a bike. My friends and family will tell me directly if they don’t know much about a topic I bring up. Though I still worry sometimes that I am boring them. 👾
Yeah I feel this... I just got yelled at by my lawyer today for doing this. I just saw myself as giving him the information he needed to help protect me and my kids and got accused of being manipulative.
I just found out about 8 months ago that myself and one of my daughters are on the spectrum and was like yeah that makes sense. Pretty sure my other two daughters are also but all the signs were just normal things to me. I appreciate what you do here it has been very helpful and validating to my life experiences.
I like that the video on over-explaining is one of your shorter ones.
It can be a downward spiral. Two bits of advice: Before you start laying things out before having a conversation, ask what people know about the topic. Then you can go on from there. And try not to justify yourself if it's not required. That can at least help to reduce overexplaining.
I do information dumps in conversations, where I get into an unstoppable momentum of talking. But I gave up on anyone understanding me really early in life, and never try to explain my motivations or behavior. I like my Italian relatives' style of conversation, because it has a completely different set of assumptions than the U.S. or Britain. Italians realize that people talk because they like to talk, not so much to communicate. Four Italians can all be talking at the same time, and no one feels peeved that no one is really listening. If someone drops something really interesting, the others will stop and listen, but as soon as it gets boring they will start talking again. There's an acceptance of the underlying reality that it's a lot more fun to talk than to listen.
This is very interesting to me! Personally, I don't think I'd be into this style of communication at all, mostly because I speak, and assume that other people speak, when they have something important to say. But I see, that if you understand the cultural context, there are many upsides to it. I find it fascinating that different cultures, even subcultures or people have different conversational assumptions. I often like to talk about things I'm interested in and although I can handle smalltalk it's infinitely boring to me. I have some creative solutions to this, such as looking for jokes or interesting or unlikely observations every day life, sharing that, and it usually works. I help myself unbore myself so that I can engage, essentially. However, as people don't seem to know that my brain works like this, I can have seemingly bland statements be mistaken as smalltalk, although I feel very strongly about them, such as commenting on the weather. Because I will only do so if I am genuinely moved and delighted with the weather. It's usually followed by slight frustration on my end trying to find the words of why I particularly like how the light shines through the clouds right now, but because of others assumptions that I was trying to just say something for the sake of it, they always seem confused. Why is he elaborating on the weather? I find it funny that something so simple as being happy about beautiful weather can not be taken for what it is.
@@an8790 If I get really bored with a conversation I sometimes hijack it by introducing a topic that is more interesting, and might be of general interest. This often doesn't work. I might also make jokes or funny observations, or add something that is related but more interesting. I am fairly aggressive in trying to liven up conversations. I've had a lifetime of practice doing this, and am reasonably smooth about it. That's not to say it's all that successful. Boring people never have much to say that is not boring. As for my special interests, I assume no one will be interested, and that I will be thought of as weird if I bring them up. I liked university because my fellow students were often studying really strange stuff, and wanted to find someone to talk about these topics. Conversations were a lot more free-ranging, and you were not considered weird for having peculiar interests. I think a lot of people are actually insecure about talking about substantive stuff, because they might be thought uneducated or stupid. I don't really understand this. I think of everyday conversation more as a form of play than as a way to gain (or lose) social status.
@@steveneardley7541What is boring to you doesn't mean it is boring to others.
Hijacking a conversation seems like there could be less listening to the dynamic of the conversation, and whether or not it is wiser to contribute (even with jokes or outside the box questions) than to take over.
I am, only looking at this from a perspective and recent situations in my life. (I am 48, paired down my circle and interactions alot over the past 12 years - found out that I was autistic and have ADHD combined at age 46.)
Conversations are overwhelming and confusing to me.
Sharing things with someone close, having great interpersonal interactions, connecting and sharing things with certain people close to you, makes sense to me.
I definitely think that you would be the person who would come in handy when me and a couple of others sit together, awkwardly interacting.
The person who gets everyone's attention and gives them a topic to focus on and ponder.
For me, just listening to that person, even if I'm not fully interested in the topic is enjoyable because I get to learn something knew and meet a new person.
I love this! I recently heard someone say Italians are sooo noisy. I thought they meant noisy as in loud, but now I think I understand.
Yes to this. But more generally, thank you for speaking so clearly about a range of important topics. You make make excellent videos and they are appreciated.
thank you for talking about this! I noticed when I switched to getting therapy from the center for autism near me (I know I always relate things back to this, ahhhh kill me), the therapists there have asked me if I want them to interject and redirect, or if I'm going on an over-explaining bender because I just NEED to talk to someone who won't think I'm annoying. I've tried it both ways, having some sessions where I ask them to let me know if I get off track from the original emotional core idea because in order to mention the person I'm talking about, I have to give their full background info or something, and then the other way, where they let me go off and we just see where the road takes us. I think it depends on my overall wellbeing if I can handle redirects or not.
Also tho, I did have an experience in the past where a coworker told me that when I write emails, it sounds like I'm telling a story, which makes it sound like I'm lying. That hurt my feelings so much and it's 15 years later and I still think about it seemingly all the time! I wish it would go away.
No one understands because they have no interest in understanding, after 53 years I personally feel completely irrelevant.
You explained it in less than 10 minutes, absolutely did a fantastic job at being concise! Your words help me put words into my own experience
I’ll always ask someone to clarify what they’re talking about if it isn’t clear to me. No exceptions. 😂
Yup.... me, too ❗☝🏼
And I was wondering why I love talking so much, and why most people are just annoyed at me, when I do so. This has helped me, thank you!
You are not alone, Dana. I have experienced this for decades and im constantly being misunderstood by neurotypical folks and when I try to explain what I really mean, they get more angry!
Happens to me and others explaining to other Autistic people, others with ADHD, and others with AuDHD, as well.
(I have AuDHD).
I know what you mean when your brain checks out.
I wish I could like this video a million times. Thank you for putting this into words as it is my experience too.
I just wanted to tell you that you make me feel normal and sane, in case a "like" isn't enough. Thanks for your videos gal ❤
I think I kinda understand, 've been trying to push myself to socialize for years and I still feel like nobodys mind works like mine.
Starting to feel like I'm in a rare subcategory or something of consciousness. I seem to either be constantly bouncing from one situation to the next and never getting proper communication or traction ever while everyone else is lost in their talks.
When I do try to talk with people I'm blank unless something they say triggers some thoughts and usually I just feel progressively worse the longer I talk to most people and thennnnn I just wanna go sit by myself with headphones on.
Then there's people that get upset if I dont respond to their messages or calls... But when I make the effort to actually send a good message its like they dont even see it or respond to it.
I feel that those people are being codependent in an unhealthy way and are draining my energy.
They want to interact in their way and act like I'm being cruel or messed up for not doing what they want, but they dont meet halfway at all, and I dont complain when they ignore me because I dont want to be seen as manipulative.
Truly do wonder when I'll run into anyone who thinks like me.
When people make assumptions about me I really don't make much effort to defend myself lately.
Maybe some people feel better being able to label others for some reason.
It's also a possibility that the people who accuse others of acting like they're better are actually feeling dumb and instead of admitting it they acuse another of acting like theyre better, projecting their self dissatisfaction onto another through a blame game, which is a toxic behavior I dont have time for if it turns out to be consistent and one sided.
Everyone has bad moments but whats important is how theyre handled.
Hopefully my comment makes someone able to relate and feel less like an alien on this planet. 🐌
the way you talk you could BE me. 30 years ago. So there, some one gets ya.
I always feel the need to give as much background as possible to things I say.
I think you've explained it well... without over explaining. I don't blame you for deleting any mean comments. It's important to get rid of the trash
For me, details and context are important. The context of this comment is explaining things in a work environment. I have difficulty understanding when people understand what I told them. They need to come out directly and verbalize their understanding. Quite often, I do not pay attention to a person's face when I'm talking to them. Even if I'm looking at them, it's more like I'm looking in their direction. So I do not register any nonverbal indication that they understand my point or instruction. So, I just continue explaining until I get the verbal "Ok, I understand."
That’s how I feel if the same exact way
Oh SOOOOOOO much Yes to this!!! I never feel like I'm allowed to fully explain myself, or I'm brushed off or dismissed because no one has the time to actually listen to me. I've never felt understood. 💚
Yes ! There was an autistic helping organization that I pled to for help with my social skills, by email. They were eager to be of help until some manager phoned to talk with me. She quickly went from helpful to getting rid of me with a closing comment "We will try to put something together for you" and hung up. Never heard from them again. I know vocally I came across as too dumb to be worth helping. Is she not supposed to be experienced enough to expect trouble talking ? Especially since my emails were neurotypically acceptable.
had a big anxiety attack over this after commenting on Dana's vid
This is the story of my life.
yeah i mean i overexplain in comments unless i put great effort into not doing just that. i hate it bc i know it's not as much fun reading it as much i'm trying to convey something peculiar
Do we over explain or do they under understand? I often feel like they are willfully ignorant because how else could they not understand such basic things. Fortunately, TH-cam exists so that people can over explain. Otherwise the videos would be shorter and they wouldn’t be able to show so many ads.
im going to go rip my fuggin hair out because of this exact DAILY experience with people urgggggg on a rage roll kind of hahah
YT keeps track of everyone who comments. If two different people make the exact same comment, one might be deleted while the other is left alone. It all depends on what the algorithm thinks about you. I've seen my comments immediately deleted on other channels and tried to reword them until they stayed. I've had to adjust my vocabulary accordingly, and I'm talking about innocent words, not cuss words or violent phrases. I'd give an example, but obviously I can't. Oh, maybe it'll work if I spell it backwords: "ezitavirp". I've seen people post links. I've had scambots try to trick me with links. But I can't post links. I can't post YT links. I can't even post YT half links. No work around seems to work for that.
Oh god do I relate
Same here
A lot of the time overexplaining doesn't work simply because the other person has already decided what they think you mean, pretty frustrating
Hi I’m autistic and this video resonated with me so much! Feel free to dm me if you’d like to x
Yeah, all that, snap! There's a guilt attached to it too. Like i'm guilty of bombarding people! I can't leave it out, but then i miss other bits anyway.
You have to find someone or somewhere to vent where the audience will understand and just stfu until you wrap it all up in a bow at the end.🩵
I total relate to this, I hate when Im explaining something & the other person says something like "kev, just get to the point" only to ignore you or say thats nice.
Feeling the need to share & nobody's interested, Or the one person you thought might be says "i dont care" but thell happily chat about football or golf for hours.🥱