The day near the end is seared in my memory of when he got in my face and yelled, "I don't care what you think, what you want, or how you feel." In hindsight it was the best thing because it made me realize if I didn't leave I would lose myself forever. Painful, but good for me.
Please all, learn from my mistakes -- It was absolutely awful calling them out, they went completely off, and no matter how much apologised, it was twisted into I was attacking them.... I ended up in a psych assessment for stuff I cannot say on TH-cam: believing I was a truly terrible person and the only answer was to spare everyone else from "my behaviour".... Please everyone learn from my mistake.
Christian narcissist are the worst they put the word of God up there but they sure don't follow it. too Bad we just can't put their names out there huh. peace and grace to you in Jesus's name.
Make no mistake - a narcissist is a dangerous person . And they can and will kill you . One way or another . I read a comment from a lady several years ago . She was convinced that her narc husband was trying to get her to commit suicide . I did reach out to her . I've wondered ever since what happened with that ..
My ex-wife/narcissist would throw God into the attack many times to belittle me...such a hurtful thing to do when you're already getting beat down emotionally, then to use God to try and shame you.
Dr. Ramani missed one very important thing you should never say to a narcissist..."I Do". These words began my 30 year marriage to my narcissistic ex. If I'd access to these very enlightening videos on narcissism back in 1991, I know my life would've been better! I'm now very thankful to be out of the hell I was living for those 30 years, and healing from his narcissistic abuse. I'm happy, healthy, and living my life in peace once again. God saved me from what was killing me!!😇🙌🏼😁🥰
Yes I made this mistake, because I had him on a pedestal. He said meeting me made him want to marry again. It turned out that’s how he felt about his last girlfriend. He just said that apparently to make me feel good. Omg I married that, I still feel sick about it.
Hi Doctor Ramani, my husband is so ignorant, he had no idea what a narcissistic is. Once I explained it hoping he would understand it, right away - I’M NOT A NARCISSIST! You are!!! With that I left it alone for a while then repeated it. Now he continues 8 years later. I had enough! Just last night I told him it’s done.! He doesn’t believe me. He will when the lease is up in April 2024. I’ll have enough money, rent guys to help me move. I can go back to not being abused .
Well when you look back and see all the red flags, but you dismissed them and said to yourself "let it go" ie.your talking to this person, but hallway through they would say oh look at that lovely dog/baby, in other words they are not listening to you, ignorance, then they say something funny at your expense and enjoy it when they get a response from a third party, they've gotten a laugh at your expense, never mind that you were embarrassed. ..went off in a huff when you don't agree with them. The red flags I dismissed thinking I must be too sensitive. No more now though, cut ties, but this person only had to apologise, but no she is not in the wrong, she's twisted it and convinced people she's the victim. Over the years you do think there's something wrong with you, but these videos prove that your not, so do help. They, the narcissists are very sad people, I told this narcissist that she's very insecure and maybe therapy would help, but" no" she said " I'm not insecure and I can't see a therapist helping" in other words she knows better.
My family wants nothing to with me for some reason to this day I have no idea. I do know now that most of them are narcissists. I have nothi8ng to do with any of them.
Married to a narcissist for 22 years. Divorced him. Met my soul mate and he healed me of all my wounds and loved me so very much and told me so at least 10 times a day! We were married for 20 years when he passed from cancer. Absolutely the love of my life.❤
I called out my narcissistic mother when I was 13 years old. Defending all of us in the household who had been abused by her for years. And I have paid my entire life for this. Living on my own by the time I was 16. She even managed to turn my own daughter against me. They're very good at playing the long game! I would tell any young person who has a pparent like this to go and find a bright and beautiful life far far away from them. You'll never regret that!
I hope that your relationship with your daughter has been or will be restored. I wish you had the knowledge sooner to go no contact, but better late than never. I know how hurtful it is once you understand the "flying monkeys" that Dr.Ramani speaks of. You grieve over them a little bit. But if one of them is your own child, that really hurts.
I'm sorry, but you shouldn't even allow them to meet. I almost always regretted introducing colleagues to my father, cause he would play nice in front of them and then either coming at me with everything they did wrong or trying to convince me I am not good enough for them cause they're too nice xD
I was married to a narcissist for eight years. I did not know I was in trouble untill I started screaming and crying because of his gaslighting. I actually thought I was going insane . I am glad I finally left. I am grateful to my family and friends that helped me got out. Thank you all.
I feel you. I've been with a covert one for 6, unmarried because she never met my requirements. Didn't make the 7 year mark gave her too many chances. Planning my exit now finally. Will hold onto the fact of what she is & try to be mindful of it in the mean time.
I’m glad u got out. I thought I was going to lose my mind as well, & that was the choice, leave or go nuts with this guy, who had a HUGE secret life going on behind my back.
@@Bawkr Give her a brutal discard and she will leave you alone...good luck I'm in 2 mths now from being discarded by a covert...the changes in my life are so worth it...they can't love ...they don't care they enjoy making you suffer....
And even worse if you ask them, calmly, to be specific. My ex husband would always say things like: 'Well, you do x,y,z wrong.' So, one day (after getting this recommendation somewhere online), I calmly asked 'Can you give me a specific instance of when I did that?' Be prepared because their eyeballs WILL bulge like bombs out of their heads but then, instead of exploding eye guts all over you, they explode backward into his/her own brain. I am fairly sure that this would be excellent medical training for neurologists.
I went no contact with my sister, my only sibling, after my parents died. It's been 20+ years. Best thing I have done. No drama, no lies, no manipulation.
Good for you! I called my narcissistic brother out and told him he was a useless waste of humanity and no one truly liked him, only tolerated him. He imploded. I blocked him on all social media, phone, email and went greyrock after a special forces friend and his buddies, all friends of mine, 29:56 visited him at his work place and quietly explained to him i didn’t want any more contact with him and that it would be unwise to attempt it. They were very polite and nice about it. My brother is a pussy and never got in a fight in his life. He did not want to tangle with my friends. Haven’t heard from him in over a decade.
I hear you. No contact with my sister for 17 years, and then she died. Didn't mean one thing to me and actually I was glad because now she can't hurt anyone else.
I ended my 25 year old alienated daughter. It was the most difficult thing I have ever had to do. I just couldn’t stand the insults and the extreme mood swings. One minute I was great then next minute it was I never want to have a relationship with you. I was emotional a mess to the point of suicide.
I was married to a narcissist/control freak for 25 years. I was young and naïve, and never could actually have a life unless it was being stuck to him or included his family. It took all those years to figure things out and to realize I was worth so much more and deserved much more. We divorced, and boy was it ugly. He broke into my car, stalked me and my co-workers/friends, did whatever he could to humiliate me in everyone's eyes, and tried to break me financially. All because he was losing his control over me. I now have been free for 22 years. I do not have a partner. I do what I want, when I want and with whom I want. I don't answer to anyone. The freedom I have is so precious to me. Dr. Ramini your videos just validate everything I have learned. Please keep up the good work for those who are in need. We all deserve to have the freedom that can be ours.
Bless you! Not only have I been through this, I have worked with many others who either have or were going through it at the time. He has started since about last year to try to demolish me through parental alienation. We have been apart for 20 years too. It is so bad to see and hear that same sick voice coming from your children. Mine are now basically grown but it's like walking through a mine field for me. I never know when to flinch or when to exhale. Where I live, they have added parental alienation into the DA law. That is good but it is still a highly delicate issue, like performing microsurgery. I want to be like you and that is what I am aiming for. I am not saying you have it perfect but I do appreciate, very VERY much, that you left this comment because it will show me and many, many others that it can be done. Thank you.
The DESTRUCTIVE NARCISSIST/socio in my life was my husband 30 yrs... I was also young and naive. During the divorce, I was told "You're in for a blood bath." I was far from prepared to go up against this. Then our daughter picked up where he left off and has become a skilled manipulator, compulsive liar, a weaponized woman who will do ANYTHING to prevent her mask from being removed. I was in the process of going no contact 8 yrs ago, however, she became pregnant with my 1st Grandchild and I became aware that an evil pharmacist gave her powerful controlled substances that she took during her 1st trimester. I could not leave! Now she has my Grandchild who I fear is at risk for God knows what? I became trapped in her manipulation her ability to use my love against me, use my Grandchild to keep me where she wants me and now I realize she wants me to be homeless so that I cannot stand in her WAY of WHATEVER it is she WANTS TO DO. She is still in contact with this pharmacist who gives her drugs and she will tell you flat out: YOU are crazy YOU are a liar YOU are sick, disgusting, she calls me four letter words including the the C word sometimes in front of the child. I have spent A LOT of TIME and ENERGY trying to stop this man and his wife (both pharmacistS) trying to stop my daughter having contact with this man and sofar have failed. A Dr has been convicted and SENTENCED... a Dr who is well aquatinted with the pharmacist. I was encouraged to send letters to the Judge by her adminstrative assistant which I DID. That is the opportunity I had to tell about the connection between the Dr and the pharmacist AND TELL ALL in hopes to keep my Grandchild safe from the pharmacist who is a pedophile. That word makes me physically ill so it's difficult to say, however, IT IS TRUE. I am now fighting to keep a roof over my head. I feel it's too late for me. I wish I would have had her institutionalized years ago. The good part is God had our backs before a prayer was said and my Grandchild was born healthy. I realize that this may sound like fiction, sadly it's not and sadly much more. No percentage in trusting anyone??
I called out my brother for being a covert narcissist. Not because I wanted to, but because I had given up. And I just didn't care anymore. It's been a year and he was so offended he hasn't spoken to me once since. when i told him i didnt tell him out of anger. I told him out of apathy, and feeling like it just didnt matter anymore. I finally hit a point in my life that doesn't care if they take offense and don't speak to me...honestly my life is better off without the toxicity.
I cut off a sister and do not contact. I did it before for 3 years, she hoovered herself back into my life, and I allowed it, only to regret it. She was even worse after a year in. So she's cut off for life now. Sad, but necessary.
I did that with my ex and did not care if he turned it around on me. Cuz I knew damn well I wasn’t a narc cuz I have very high empathy which he would weaponize.. I felt no regret telling him
My husband seem to have exihibited all three narcissistic behaviours. He started with vernerable went on to grandiose and now I'm seeing toxicity. This is over a period of 30yrs. Is this normal?
Calling them out makes things worse. My mother just added the words to her arsenal and now uses "narcissist" and "gaslighting" to describe my father and me. Things are always happening to her. I have never seen her take responsibility for anything unless it is said in a plaintive tone as a victim. For eg: There must be something wrong with me that no one wants to be with me. I'm too honest/good/pure for this world. People find goodness boring. Absolutely zero self-awareness or reflection. I had a miscarriage and she cried saying she asked God why does he keep doing this to me (meaning her). Not once did she ask how I felt. Everything happens to her.
What a terrible mother. I'm sorry you've bad to deal with that. Im sorry to hear you had a miscarriage . How are you doing and feeling? I hope you got through it ok. That's so difficult. Sending you good vibes..
As an old woman who grew up with a mommy-dearest combo platter of Cluster B Personality Disorders, Ms. B I am most grateful I walked away from her completely when I was 30. Of course she was “the victim.” Of course she denigrated me to everyone. Of course I had the fear, obligation and guilt. Of course it initially felt “wrong.” But the “wrong” ensured I persevered anyway with NC and lived a very successful life free from abuse. I shudder to think of what my life would have been if I kept trying to treat her like a normal human being and believed it was my own imperfections, personal failures etc. that was “responsible” for her abhorrent, conscienceless behavior. Best wishes to you. Take care and my condolences on the loss of your baby.
Horrible to grow up with narcissistic parents... I feel for you.. No wonder we cannot have a secure attachment style after growing up with them... Sending you lots of courage to face the miscarriage...
The doctor is right. I was married to a Narcissist (Psychopath, also); and the only time that he told me I had "beaten him" was when I had stopped taking his bait/stopped reacting. The happier you become, no matter what their behavior is, is what really unhinges them.
Worse thing to call them out and expose their lies in such a way that they can't hide, dismiss or deny. They don't want to appear as the flawed, despicable and the lying, deceitful cheaters they are. After calling them out, a brutal and cruel discard will follow and they will wait patiently to do it (careful planning even if it takes them a long time) at the worst time in your life, such after a loss, illness or other terrible event in your life. They will want to humiliate you and add salt to your wounds as payback for making them look bad and no longer putting them on a pedestal. They are evil and cunning.
Very true .....resolution: 1. Be super tender/kind with yourself 2. Learn how to enjoy your own company 3. Always have a checklist of positive rumination especially when upset or fed-up with such stumb. 4. Practice being discrete in your speech......this is a regular stocker in your life. 5. Talking to the mirror....a true friend indeed
I find the mirror to be my friend who is Christ in me the hope of Glory! I Thank the Lord for his Wisdom and Grace because I asked him to show me my husband and then he showed me-Narc and I have been getting my self educated for the last 2 months-WOW 😮and I told him oops 🙊 too late-We’ve been married 14yrs no kids TYJ 🙏🏽I have two daughters/ 10 grandkids- he really doesn’t know how to really bond/ can’t/want-cause it’s not about him I’m finding out-WOW
Never call them out especially if they have a tendency to rage. The abuse will ramp up and they get more ugly in ways you've never seen before. They're not afraid to stoop low and it seriously sheds a whole new light of how disturbing they can actually be.
I have watched a lot of videos now and I actually started thinking it was me, I was the narcissist. How wrong I was and have been. I rarely put myself first and give away too much information that is then used to belittle me and quite honestly how I haven't ended up in a lunatic asylum in a straight jacket, I don't know. But when you have lived a life with struggles then your build inner strength. I hope everyone struggling with a narcissist realises they can be free, healthy and strong in mind and body. Bless you all.
Dr. Ramani you are 💯right. The narcissist I live with once heard me watching your videos although I always try to watch when I’m alone. Guess what happened! The first argument we had after that he told me stop watching those videos they are ruining your life. I was baffled 😮
@Zou bisou bisou Is that group a local to you? I just tried Googling NAARP in various ways but couldn't find anything. If you have any info you could share for it, I'd really appreciate it. Thank you
Reminds me of my narc husband. He actually also called me out for becoming more spiritual because I’ve been reading the Bible more and Christian publications on marriage which has also helped me to learn how to deal with him and he said that I’m now turning into a fanatic! No, he just doesn’t have a low life equivalent to bounce off his negative energy anymore. 😅
A month ago, my narcissistic ex texted me that our 16 y.o. daughter had been in a car accident and was at a trauma center. Six hours later, I was on a plane flying to her. Daughter unconscious, unresponsive. I asked narc what had happened. “I don’t know, I was there.” How are the other girls? “Why don’t you call them and ask?” Were other cars involved? “I’m sure that the police report will provide that information if you request it.” Can you give me the cell numbers for the other girls parents? “Why? Do you want their advice on brain injuries?” When I pushed back (I know, I know), she raised her voice, accused me of abusing her, and called to the nurses for security. Even in the midst of a medical crisis, it was pointless to communicate with the narcissist. (She’s awake and alert and in a rehab hospital making great strides forward.)
I know a narcissist that has learned how to mimic how to care, have empathy, and appear to be a loving, compassionate human being. It's sad but I have completely disconnected from one and pulling back slowly from another. I cannot completely disconnect, but I don't engage in the control, manipulation, tantrum d and other narcissistic behavior. Sad, but liberating ❗🙌🏾💕😢
She's the best doctor ever! I have 2 narc doctors parents... And she's is 10000000x better the MY ER DOC Parents... I'm sooo impressed by her! I wonder who are her parents? Narc doctor parents as well? lol
You can’t call them out because you risk educating them. If your Narc doesn’t know the word or what it means, they’ll go and Google it and learn exactly how to avoid detection and paint you as a Narc. If they don’t know the term already you’re in a better place.
@@Vanilayogi you’re really in a cage. They’re like a machine, your last word is what they want. The best advice I can give is to not take what they say personally because they’re absolutely trying to get a reaction so they can turn around and call you crazy.
Hello Dr Ramani,i'm a 36 yr old man who have taken a keen interest in your videos and found them educating.They help me discern aspects of my personality i need to improve in my dealings with others.I'm so thankful that i found your channel.Please know that we all are grateful for the time spent preparing these videos. From Botswana.
Awesome you're aware and want to change. Please watch *mental healness* (creator Lee Hammond) on all social media. He's a self aware narcissist and has proven himself to stay married (with children? Can't remember) His wife speaks out also. Hope that's helpful.
One of my family members "called out" her narcissist husband and then he strangled her to death in a total rage. She was only 39 yrs old, but after years of his abuse she couldn't keep quiet any longer. She had come to the USA from another country and felt trapped, so instead of leaving him she tried to fix him. Really tragic.
Yep. When I told my ex husband he was a narcissist he told me I was the narcissist. I simply said, "that's exactly what a narcissist would say." He didn't explode. We didn't argue. Our relationship was unique because we'd been classmates since the second grade and he had a crush on me. Then in the 9th grade we became a couple, split in the 10th grade, got back together a year after graduating at 20, married at 23 and divorced at 36. His family doted on him. He was everyone's favorite. He was the middle child and the only boy. He's beyond charming and handsome. His family was well off but not flaunty. Even now it's odd thinking about it. He was my drug. Divorcing him was the hardest thing I've had to do. It was so bad I had to move 8 hours away. Distance saved my life and the cloud lifted and I've been better ever since.
I called my narcissist out and I am glad I did!!!! I have no regrets!!! I called him out after we broke up and I know I scared him because he doesn’t want me to tell others. I’m proud of myself because he knows it!! It’s been 2 yrs since our breakup and he hasn’t been able to keep a relationship since. I’m sorry but every situation is different!!
The emotional abuse cycle is broken. The cost is reliving past scars... Plz don't relive ANY of it! Find peace with other better people! Sending Positive Vibes!
Very true that each case is different, however, my own experience is that this is right. In fact, even when I told my brother years ago that I think I figured out what is wrong with our parents and I gave him the book "Children of the Self Absorbed". all he did was weaponize my parents against me. That was back in the days that I was still making all the mistakes, With my ex husband a therapist told us both that he qualified for an ASPD/NPD diagnosis and he didn't even care. I had no idea what it meant and I totally ignored it still blindly committed to the belief that the love bombing phase (which in our case was very subtle and long lasting) was the norm and we'd get back to it. My life was totally unraveled and destroyed by the time I understood what I'd been up against.
once you recognize that the person you're dealing with is a narcissist, you understand that there's nothing you can do to fix them, change them, or get them to acknowledge the truth. NOTHING. not one ever-loving thing. NOT. ONE. THING. please, dear ones--learn from dr. ramani. she is right on the money here. i know from experience with my narc sister and my narc ex--i didn't know they were narcs when i was in those relationships.
I know both of those pains. It hurts bad on both fronts. It makes you feel crazy. You're not crazy. Your good human being put thru something very odd. I hope you continue to heal! It has taken years and years for me... Sending Positive Vibes!
62 year old male; married 40 years. I am isolated, due to most all of family, and friends being pushed away. Starting to understand that to heal, I must get away.
as long as you try to salvage a relationship like this, you will always lose. Think of them as the human equivalent of poison oak. Get too close and you get damaged...even now, at 77, I still ache a bit over how she damaged my childhood. They need validation so badly they will do almost anything to get it, including throwing people under that particular bus...walk away.
I do not have a voice. I am not expressive with words. I cannot even put my feelings to words, but listening to your videos helped me understand what's happening with me. So love you for your work. Many many thanks for helping me out :) I cannot go to therapy but am strong to deal with this. I live for me kids now and will try to make them better person.
Like you have said, sometimes we want to say the most horrible things to them. But we do that for ourselves, out of pride or revenge. It will do no good concerning the narcissist, and will only make things worse for you. Just go no contact, and save only the loveliest words for yourself, to build yourself back up again. Saturate your hours and days with thankfulness and self encouragement. Let go and move on to a new future.
I said to my mom, with truth and anger, "why couldn't it have been a different womb?" and it really seemed to hurt her. She never forgot it. I dont at all regret it and if anything it may possibly have served as a mirror (doubtfully). It did keep her hooks out of me for a long time and let her know my true feelings. I finally said what I truley felt w/o guilt.
I came across your videos yesterday, over 2 decades after I left an abusive marriage to a narcissist. Your words brought back much of the pain I experienced from the belittling, mockery, extreme jealousy, financial control , gaslighting and other forms of hitting out at me. Since then my life has changed in so many positive ways that I am grateful every day. I thank you for explaining many things I couldn't name at the time.
A couple of years ago, before I knew you should never call them out, I made the mistake of calling out my narc ex. Wow, the reaction was unreal! Thankfully we were separated at that stage and this was done over the phone as he was extremely violent & abusive. When I eventually hung up the phone, I got text after text after text of the most vitriolic, hurtful abuse. I wouldn’t dare repeat what he said here but it was bad. I learned my lesson that day.
I can believe it. Mine sort of flipped right from the love bomber to the angry reactor type and it was honestly like a nuclear meltdown. That wasn't even over calling him a narc, it was from trying to point out he'd done something hurtful we had to talk about. You'd think I'd pulled knives on him and threatened him with bodily harm. If I'd known he was a narc and called him that he'd probably have violently exploded or had a stroke on the spot.
@@Erydanus I can totally relate. The narc rage is horrendous. I caught my ex cheating and I was subjected to *weeks* of abuse and violence after I caught him. No “I’m sorry” or “please forgive me”, just rage. Go figure?
Going through this right now ! 🤦🏽♀️but his way is to aggravate me by phone then hung up to get me to react by tex to further forward my response to my own family and his families + friends to say I’m the one that is a narcissist and to also prove that I am unreasonable.
Thank goodness we can now block them on our phones. Got enough texts to know what was dealing with, it didn’t take many. Don’t like texting anyway. Blocked.
i think they perceive it as an attack so feel justified in attacking back, ive had things said to me that were Just to hurt. i had someone pull up some plants i had planted and threw them in the bin because they were 'the wrong plants in the wrong place' ! proving they will rather destroy something than let others get credit
Calling them out can leave you feeling twisted in knots emotionally and mentally. If I called out his abuse and microaggressions I was accused of being critical and negative. If I disengaged from the crazy making circular conversations I was accused of being cold, dismissive and not caring about his feelings. If I tried to end the relationship explaining I didn't like I how I was being treated or because it was unhealthy for me i was accused of never truly loving him. If the verbal abuse was too bad and i stopped reacting and responding all together i was accused of punishing him or ignoring him. You eventually feel like such an awful person and began to wonder maybe I am an abuser...I mean you certainly do start to feel angry, hurt, resentful and suppressed so you figure maybe there is some truth in what the narcissist is saying, right? WRONG. This person is the sole root of your distress. And while we survivors certainly have our own personal issues and room for improvement- that sick, stressed, depressed, confused and hollowed-out feeling we have while in the relationship with them are all signs that you need to cut ties with them. If you're able to get out, please leave and begin the work of recreating your life. It's so worth it!
Years I’ve allowed my father to control and manipulate me. I wanted so badly to believe that he would wake up and stop hurting me b/c I truly do want a relationship with him. Thank you for not giving me false hope. I feel like a weight has been lifted and it’s okay for me to be done. It’s ok to say no. I don’t think I’m healthy enough to Grey Wall just yet, but I finally feel hope. I could never thank you enough.
Hello anyone who wants to read this, I have waited forty years to leave my family finally!with a narcissist father and three narcissist sisters it’s been hell and it’s made me seriously physically unwell and mentally with self harm. I have 10 days left and I’m cut off. Wish me luck❤️ and to those who are waiting to leave your time will come ❤️ why seek revenge when karma the bastard will get them ajahn brahm
Congratulations on your escape. That is a soul wrenching step to take but I know it helped me. Went no contact as much as possible 6.5 yrs ago. They still have a hold over me via money. If they hadn't made me so sick, I wouldn't still need their money. It is maddening. But at least I'm safe from being unhoused. P.S. called them out via a long (13 pg) carefully worded and vetted letter. 5 yrs later they were still so angry about it they threatened me when I referred to it.
I am proud of you. You will feel like you have been re-born when you leave all those terrible, toxic people behind. Form relationships with people who are truly kind, loving, and mentally well.
Bless them with love and move on. The best revenge is moving on and being a successful, happy person without them to drag you down to their level of misery. They are miserable people inside and that is their torment. Best of luck to you!
I left my Narc wife 21/2 years ago after 38 years. 😊 best thing I ever did. She won’t sign the divorce papers yet. Lol. There is nothing better than peace and harmony in your life. Be strong and take one day at a time. Enjoy the quiet peaceful day. Good luck you got this.
I was only 26 when I met the narcissist. We married on our 25th anniversary of being together. Everything felt amazing. He had been so great consistently for 15 months (3 months before we got married, and then a full year after getting married.) I was so happy. He said he was the happiest he'd ever been in his life. Then I found out he'd been having a secret emotional affair with his coworker (24 yr old. I'm 54.) and had been for quite some time-3 years. However, 15 months prior, they'd stepped it up by becoming online buddies as well, so he always had his "pocket girlfriend " with him on his phone and even had contact with her on our wedding day and every trip we took. He was always in a great mood. Basically, everywhere we went together as a couple, there was a paper trail of his betrayal. I made the mistake a million times of asking "why?" and your right Dr. Ramani; I was left feeling more confused than I did before I asked. He did apologize (in the way they do-so pathetically) at the time he got caught and said he didn't know why he did it. Since then though, he's said it made him feel younger.. and to that I said: "well, it must not be working, you don't look it." It's been 16 months since I've found out and I'm ashamed that I'm still with him. He keeps sucking me back in. That 15 months when he treated me so great (to my face) is what I think I'm hoping will come back... minus the betrayal. I thought it was "us" and finally getting married that made him be so happy and consistently treat me great... but now I know that wasn't it because THAT consistently good, understanding, nice guy hasn't been back since the day he got caught. I asked him numerous times to please come back. I also said i need a new ceremony to replace the terrible memory i now have of our wedding, since he was betraying me at the time. He said we would get remarried because he "loves me so much and is so sorry". I brought it up again yesterday... his answer was "What? You want me to run out and do that today?" Like 16 months hasn't been enough time to take me to the courthouse, or a park and have a small, mock, ceremony? I've never felt more unloved and uncared for in my life. I have entirely lost track of who I am. I used to be so strong and now i feel so weak. This is what a narcissist will do to you.
We can understand intellectually “what happened” but emotionally, not so much…..at all. The disconnect between your screen name and your current situation is a horribly perfect example of that-how well so many of us know. And that strength you spoke to? It may have been drained, my friend but it’s not absent. The fake guy was the one you married. The real one is the guy who strung you along for 25 yrs. and continues to pretend if you “just do this” whatever, he’ll be right back. Sometimes, it just isn’t about us. Fake guy is never coming back other than momentarily seeking another 25 yr. run at your expense. Don’t buy into the Sunk Cost Fallacy. Take care of you-*you matter.*
The strength that you had…… I too felt like that, until I faced One More Cycle of his disregulated crazy crap!!! On day 4 I finally blurted out “I cannot do this anymore, you have to leave!” (My house was to no longer be “our home”.) The first time I had to drive across state to a gallery that represents me, I was unrealistically terrified! Right!!!?? Me, who’d been SO independent and strong… But I made room to nurture myself through it. 5 hours on the road, alone, on what turned out to be a gorgeous day…. Then I decided to begin adding things that are new to me back into my life. This that and the other thing went from feeling terrified and wanting to run back home (ooooh, I have my studio, nice, safe place….) to feeling ok. Now, I may feel a little trepidation for new things, BUT I also now feel excited sometimes! Ok, just a couple of times….. But the trend is about regaining confidence by doing things and observing my emotions and reminding myself that I’ll be ok. My wish for you, is that you too find the way back to yourself. It will take time and compassion!!! 💖
Relationships are built on trust and they broke that trust. It's like trying to put together a broken glass, it won't ever be the same. It is probably better for your mental health to move on
This video is so timely. I plan on breaking the news of my intention to divorce in marriage counseling tomorrow. I had a whole list of sins ready to go tomorrow to explain why. You stopped me from doing it. I’m so close to getting tf out, it would be foolish to set off a narcissistic injury before I do. I just need to get out, the quieter the better. I’ll be reviewing my list between now and then, to keep my resolve up and then save for my own reference if I’m ever doubting my decision in the future.
YES!! Confronting him will only alert him to go into attack mode on you. Get everything in order completely and THEN tell him in a definitive way that it is over. (Btw, don’t know to say him or her so I just picked one. I wish you well!)
Whatever you do, don't ever warn them before hand. Plan and do things quietly and let them know after you're far gone and they cannot contact you, because they won't let you leave them, they will either get violent or they'll cry crocodile tears and entitledly will tell you they won't leave you, sucking you in hell again. Wish you the best friend, may God be with you 🙏
Best of luck. Congratulations. I am happy for you. Be careful. Be careful. Listen to all the good advice here. Be careful. Congratulations. I wish you the very very best.
Just get out, don't need to explain. Get your finances in order; separate the bank accounts and whatever you can do ahead of time so he doesnt beat you to it and sabotage. Be stealthy and smart and fair, that way it won't come back on you later.
When you meet a very charismatic person who's awsome find out who their friends are. They don't have any! Meet their friends at work and learn how they feel about them at work. Take your time and don't get into a relationship because when you start seeing something isn't right its because you need to start walking away and avoid them. Don't try to explain how you both disagree. Don't try to be a friend just RUN!!!
Im a Covert Narcissist. I recently realized Ive always been one under the guise of being a victim of happenstance and a inherently cruel universe The talking points in these videos are very true: including the point about being called out. I didnt hear it at the time and unloaded my rage (as i have always done) at the accuser. Thank you for the videos. I look forward to learning and understanding how I've been systematically hurting people. Im seeking professional help to correct my behavior. (I'm serious and not being sarcastic about any of this. Genuine ty)
Wow, that tone thing is so very true. Me talking to him was hard enough. And whenever I did say something he would get upset and say “don’t talk to me like that.” It didn’t matter. So it got to the point where I was afraid to say anything to this man. I came to the conclusion that he just didn’t want me talking to him. Towards the end, I just chose not to talk to him even when I needed to. I just grey-rocked and ignored him. By this time I was basically invisible and nonexistent to him until he needed something.These people are sad.
In your case, grey rock isn´t enough. You need to step up, stop walking on eggshells around him, set your own boundaries and maintain them. I had friends like this. Eventually, i burned all bridges with them, as they were only dragging me down.
Taking care of my NM and it came down to where I stop talking to her as well. Grey Rocking is the only thing we can do in a very bad situation. I get it. Hope you find your way out and find peace. Much hugs to you.
Thanks for the revelation : "They never listened to you. They are not listening to you. They will not listen to you. Nobody ever gets JUSTICE from a narcissist." Before this sentence, I was hoping realization & apology. BUT NO. Just realized (from past incidents) their ego is so fragile that they can not even say sorry or thank you, to anyone. Wait, is it a psychopath?
@@katie195 - 😘 Sending you a 🤗. Stay with Dr. Carter; keep learning more & surround yourself with people who truly care about you. I am facing huge obstacles both physically & financially... but I'm still leaving. I am worth it & I refuse to accept verbal & emotional abuse - mixed in with random kindness, of course! 🤯 I'm on to that trick, too. PS: Dr. Ramani, also on TH-cam, TG is very good & my 2nd favorite after Dr. C!
thank you. im about to turn 19. i grew up with my mom being an extremely unhealed hurt child /narcissist which i hated to admit because its my mom and i love her with every inch of me no matter what. she passed from sickness. 2 months later i met this now 47 yo lady my bestfriends aunt knew, was brainwashed into thinking everyone gets gets a second chance at having a mother. because we experienced similar backgrounds, she made me believe she was the only person in the world who could understand how i felt and could love me way more than anyone ever will. but every "mother and daughter conflict " that arose was brutal. me being told im a shitty person, im disrespectful, im irresponsible, i care only about myself, im selfish, i push people away, im dirty, im not trustworthy because of who raised me. i finally had enough. i wasn't listening to anyone but her and always had her back. no one at my job told me they didnt like her because they truly cared abt me. my workplace became my peace and i finally saw all the good ass people around me. they all told me they got me if i needed anything. i had no idea. because of that woman. now im staying with my coworkers and lifes good. i have to collect the rest of my belongings sunday. and ill never have to look at her again. i didnt speak to her since the day we had our last conflict. i feel fucking amazing .
When one woman realised she was in a toxic relationship, she decided to leave. It took her several years. She quietly opened her own bank account. She never told her husband about her pay rises. When she had amassed enough money, she left. He came home one day and found she had left. She changed jobs. He had idea where she was.
What a narcissist is like is: an ALIEN from another planet who has everything except one thing, LOVE. The longer you stay with the narcissist, the more and more you are being deprived of love and more and more you are ALONE in SOLITARY confinement!!!!! I stayed in so long I almost died emotionally because I thought there was love that I could bring out in this person and ALL my hopes and loyalty was to her. You need to RESPECT YOURSELF... you cannot tolerate abuse! If you stay in this relationship, you are being the second enemy of yourself. The first enemy is the narcissist and then you are becoming the second enemy. LOVE YOURSELF! END IT. And the reason you must go into complete and total permanent no contact is because you need to stop all those neurotransmitter channels of emotions that the narcissist was tapping into and that you were exercising. That whole thing has to end and erase and your mind has to erase this person from your life and you must heal. There can be no ongoing conversation!!!! You must use these words "Good Bye".....end it.
I couldn't of said it more clearly myself. So much time spent with this person that escaped any sense of rational or reasoning, as that's exactly what they don't want, to be known for what they are, instead of what they want you to believe they are.
Oh, I definitely told my narcissistic brother that he's a narcissist, and that he became that way at least in part because our mother was a narcissist who viewed him as her extension or "the golden child," while I was the scapegoat / truth-teller who is much smarter and empathetic than she was but was not interested in tennis as a hobby like she was and my brother used to be. But I combined this statement with stepping away from the toxic family environment that had plagued me my whole until then. So I got to call out my brother and also leave the unacceptable family situation at the same time, meaning I got my cake and got to eat it too. I haven't voluntarily seen my brother in four years or more, and when we do briefly interact in unavoidable situations, he is less disrespectful than he used to be. Because I have proven that I don't give a damn what he thinks, don't admire him, don't even particularly like him, don't want him actively in my life. He knows he's expendable to me, so he has learned some measure of basic decency in some of our interactions. Narcissistic supply DENIED.
I think this rule applies to all jerks who are destroying one’s peace. I have one sister who’s borderline personality disorder, another who’s extremely passive aggressive and whose social currency is hateful lies and gossip, and is such an extreme gaslighter that she even gaslights herself. Two other siblings were cut out of my life decades ago, so I don’t know them anymore except when they come into my life every few years to cause chaos. Our mother was a narcissist and not a single one of us grew up unscathed. Myself included. But I can’t start to heal until all of these people are out of my life. Soon, as soon as our parents estate is settled. But calling them out in the past went extremely bad and got me targeted even more. Now I only care about my own health and wellness. On the road to healing you sometimes have to cut off toxic family. Outsiders don’t understand, and that’s ok.
Thank you. I was married to a toxic narcissistic for 30 years until I was so sick I had 2 options, a gun to my head or leave. I still wake up every morning feeling betrayed feeling hate. It's been 8 years and I still feel the loss. I grieve losing my family even though I waited for my 3 children to be grown because I feel I needed to stay and protect them from him. My kids say he looks decrepit now and I guess his horrible soul is showing through. He remarried a therapist that was never married or had children. I hope he doesn't destroy her too. I don't feel I have any love from my children because he was always gaslighting me. I don't think my kids know me. I was his doormat for 30 years in front of them. I'm in a healthier relationship and I feel bad my new man has to deal with my bad memories.
I planned on waiting until my kids were grown and out on their own, they are and I'm still here with my husband. Thing is,the longer you stay the harder it is to leave,they strip you of any self esteem you had, my confidence is zero thinking I can never make it on my own . I'm working with a therapist trying to build me up and prepare me to leave, I know I need to but I'm afraid. If you have loved ones around you,family and friends you can trust I advise you to reach out and let them help you to get away. They will never change,they don't know how to love,it is such a sad way to live. I wish you and your little ones the very best.♥︎. ***@iamhereok
@@jeanroth159 thank you for the advice. Right now I have emotionally detached myself from him , and I have made him clear that I am staying only for kids . The moment he crosses boundaries I am out.
Wow! Sooooo accurate! I finally saw my own worth, left, blocked them from any possible love bombing. I feel so calm now and love my life. I am still working on me and will take a lot of time before trying to meet anyone else. I’m enjoying my family, my friends, my life.
I am so thank for you .. Between you and my faith. I've been so lonely lately and it led me to start dating. Now I saw the light I am need to stay solo . I was married to the king of all the Narcissist who pass away . Now I learned that I need to expect that. I am loving me and enjoying my own company 💘. Sending love to all
Sending you love and hugs as well. You will be alright I promise, I love my own company but balance that out with being around good people, I don't allow negativity and set boundaries for myself and for my happiness. Look after yourself the best you can, stay healthy and well, have goals and dreams for yourself, do something for others, join groups that interest you if you like, cook and garden and walk in nature, laugh often, love your solitude and give yourself more hugs and be proud of yourself and what you've come through, take care my friend from afar💐💐♥️
The narcissist I know summed it up for us this morning when he called me. It was in response to what happened yesterday, when he said that if I didn't take him where he "wanted" (not needed) to go, he would get on a bus and go there. This man fell three weeks ago at a mall, and fractured his hip in two places. The hip already had an implant done, and before that, he had a pin in his hip that failed. Through all that, I took him places (no charge) - doctors, hospital, shopping, etc. The doctors and nurses said it would be 8 weeks before he could resume normal activity. He is also bipolar. Yesterday I told him that his actions of disobeying doctor's orders and taking buses around town with a fractured hip impacts others who have to help him, if something else should happen to him as a consequence. He denied anyone does anything for him. This morning, he announced he was at the bus stop, and that yesterday, he didn't want my opinion, just my help (which he didn't ask for - he just baited me by telling me he would catch a bus if I didn't take him). Then he hung up. And that, dear friends, is what it's about. They do NOT care what you think unless it serves them. Period. And it does not change. They will bait you to help them, become so nicey-nice when they want something from you, and the SECOND they don't need you to serve them, they turn the guns on you like you don't exist, or are simply an annoyance. I don't need to be needed. And they prey on those who do. I've seen these couples where one is servant to the narcissist. They are like slaves who seem to be under some spell. Weird.
You are not responsible for him. Just remember that. They are very quick to guilt-trip you and if you continue to fall for it they will continue to do it. Bottom line- you are damned if you do and damned if you don’t. There is no winning with them. Take care of yourself.
"I've seen these couples where one is servant to the narcissist. They are like slaves who seem to be under some spell". Absolutely true! That's who my father-in-law is to my mother-in-law! It's one of the most bizarre things to witness, because the narcissist don't even ask nicely, they demand in the most bossy, condescending tone! And the spouse obey with their head bowed down! It is truly sinister!
I´d guess leave him be. He´ll just keep blackmailing you. If he doesn´t care about his health, you shouldn´t care either. Stop putting good for everyone else ahead of your own. You NEED to be there for yourself first and only help others, when you are fully healed, have free time and resources to do it.
Treat a narcissist the same way you want to be treated by them... not at all... you don't want to see them, know them, hear their voice. so you make sure you are always busy and have no time to indulge their abuse. being your own person puts them off and once their gaslighting burns out they are in the dark. They will shun you and that is good for you.
I'm really getting so much out of these compilation videos for two reasons. Firstly, they help me catch up on those I've missed; secondly, the way they are assembled it helps me to make contextual connections so the quality of the learning is deepened. Dr. Ramani isn't just good at knowing her stuff. She's an astounding teacher.
10 years no contact with a sibling and thank goodness I’m continuing watching your videos- her attempts to pull me started again…your sessions are priceless… indifference I love that word absolutely love it
Oh it’s FUN to call them out! If you’re prepared for the rage and ranting and LAUGH in their face while they implode it’s very empowering. You don’t call them out to change them. You call them out to show them you’re not afraid of them. I move on to, “that’s such a narcissistic bs thing to say.” Who gives a flip how THEY feel…they sure don’t care how I feel. Let them go off. As long as you don’t care about them it’s quite a release. I have called out more than a dozen. When their rage doesn’t destroy you they leave you alone. They do not like to be outed or shamed. They are both attracted to and repelled by empaths. It’s not something everyone can do, nor should you try. Laughing at them and ignoring them is the fastest way I’ve found to move these losers along.
That can be very dangerous for some though, depending on how crazy the narc is ya know. But yes it is quite empowering to call them out when u speak the truth.
They probably did not have access to your support group. That's why you could survive. Else narcs are great manipulators, they turn your support system against you.
Depends on your situation. If they break all your stuff, one by one, behind your back, it can become an expensive problem. The other thing is physical violence esp when they work for the armed forces and or security and own a weapon.
Dr Ramani, you opened my eyes to my Narc husband. I had no idea what was going on. Now I do. But I have become very isolated from every person. Its very lonely and Im stuck. I fear life now. Thank you Dr. Ramani for all your videos.
I encourage you to take steps, even if slowly and small steps, to get out and engage with others once in awhile. Meet someone for coffee, go see a movie. Go do something quiet z& calming like a walk in the park with someone you feel safe with. Also would encourage you to begin watching videos on self care AND on rebuilding your self esteem, doing things each day to show care to yourself and remind yourself that you ARE a unique, valuable, incredible person!! Begin doing self affirmations each day!! Good luck on your journey! ❤
@@loribakergirl6438 Thanks for your helpful comment. I am in the same situation. I knew something was wrong but I discovered 2 days ago with Dr. Ramani's video that my husband is a covert narc.
@@TM-hd1rn I’m glad they were of some help and I’m sorry to hear about the situation you’re in. Strongly encourage you to do things to proactively take really good care of yourself. Learn as much as you can about narcissism and how they operate, what they do. This will help you greatly in understanding the games and help you watch rather than get engaged in their battles. Be careful in your steps and what I mean here is that personally I think it’s far better to understand on your own (without confronting themas that can be dangerous). Then make your own decisions on if you want to continue on or make a plan to get out. Learn all you can and be careful and protect yourself and your self worth.❤️
thanks for the great video! I had 4 years with my best friend who was a narcissist. I ended up in a 2 year heavy depression. Always arguing, while she always tried to 'help' me by pointing out everything I should do different and every little thing I did wrong in her opinion. It tool me a month of clinical therapy treatment and then starting to pull back slowly and trying to get my life back on track, going back to my studies and she got more pissed and with me, raging at me for not answering her when I told her 'I have classes now, we can talk after my school is done for today.' She accused me of gaslighting her and giving her the silent treatment and that I only did it to push her into taking the blame. She also ALWAYS critized or belittled my Art (I am an Art student) in a way that was nothing but personal 'why do you draw in that style, why do you have to use these colors... I don't like it.' It was half a year from me being in a clinic to the point where I finally had enough and called her out. It was the last time I practically heard from her. She dropped me without another word. (after telling me the day before that she really didn't want to loose our friendship and how much I mean to her.) But I think she knew, that she would never get me back to the point where was her constant sustain for adoration, empathy, narcissistic suply and a punching bag to always take the blame. So I wasn't worth anything anymore. And that's probably the best outcome you can expect from calling them out. It's been now almost a year since then and even though I know that rather than loosing a friend I actually gained my freedom back, I still struggle and sometimes I even miss the good moments we had. But it's just not worth it.
I've found that the best way to deal with a narcissist is to give answers of "yes, no, I don't know, whatever," or say nothing at all. My sister will then say anything and everything that she can to try to upset me, but I simply walk away. I pray for her daily.
Thank you for sharing this, "Not to call out a narcissistic person." I previously watched another video on how to get revenge on a narcissistic person. When I was reflecting on the video, I recalled what the Godly way that you should treat others. Then, I came across your video that makes so much more logical and emotional ways to not call out a narcissistic person and why not to reveal to others that that person is a narcissist. Thank you so much for your knowledge and for sharing this information.
I saw one like that other video too... how to get revenge... I almost watched it but then was like nah, I don't even want revenge anymore. They don't exist in my life, and I don't want them to do that's too much energy for anything to do with them. I'm beginning to not care anymore. This is how I know I've grown so much!
@@stephy369 me too but since they are family I have to see them and so will treat them with cordiality and due respect that Jesus asks me to give to any and all. p.s. The way I got my brother off of me was to call him out only so slightly on one or two things. Once he understood I might expose him, he lost interest in playing his mean games with me and went to others to see if they were so easy and gullible as I was.
I can't thank Dr Ramani enough. She brings such easy to understand knowledge and sensible education on narcissism that really helps me cope with this crazy situation I found myself in. I feel crazy, but know im really not! Thank you 🙏
I called my son ex narcissist every name by exactly what she is via text and voice messages. She took me to court but didn't have the guts to show the judge anything.so she lost, and the disruption she created in our lives can never be repaired financially emotionally she is evil.
About the question "Why?" My ex, who tried to use me as his personal always available psychotherapist, several times asked ME why he was doing or saying the thing he did or said. He was more clueless about his own motivations than I was. I also wonder: How can we grown-ups best help a child that asks "Why?" when their parent behaves like a narc ass? I told the child in question that his dad had some dysfunction in his brain, and that nothing his dad did was ever the child's fault. But that didn't feel suffcient. Adding: I also told the child that his dad loves him, although dad's a weirdo. Because of my own experiences as a child, I do not at all believe in pretending like "nothing happened" and "never say bad things about the narc parent" etc, because I know that would be gaslighting the child. The child can clearly see that dad's behavior is totally off, obviously, since he was asking about it, so tell the truth, that's how I feel. But I wish there were better guidance for situations when children whiteness narcissistic behavior!
Last year, I made the mistake of calling out my Dad. I had no idea he was a narcissist until all this month benge watching youtubes. Now, I understand that all he did to me was every thing you discuss. I thought my Dad loved me and learned in one second flat that I was painfully cut out of my entire family's lives. I never dreamed my Dad could treat me this way. He has not spoken to me in over 1 year now. All I could say was, What just happened to me? Why? Now I clearly understand the ways my Dad was always de-valuing his 5 children, gaslighting, giving we as children no rights for boundaries, and all these new words, which I am learning. It is all so spot on as to how my Dad treated me all my life. The part I am greatful for, is understanding how to protect myself. For the first time, I see what is going on. Thankyou. I guess it was for the best, that my Dad left my life from my ONE misconduct from me. How dare I call him out to be real with me and my siblings. I sure learned the hard way. No Dad in my life now and cut iut if his WILL. But I have finally found peace with it.
Interesting synchronicity, yesterday, a bus driver of all people, began a rant/sermon about “you can’t fight what someone else is fightin”. I was absolutely struck by the profoundness of this. As I got off the bus, I said thank you for your wisdom. And the lovely African American woman said Oh yeah honey, growing up, my grandmother would drill this into us all the time. We tend to really “get” these lessons when there’s a unusual or significant coincidence. I think this one is finally gonna sink in.
I didn't know he was a narcissist until long after the divorce. All I Knew was that the only time I got him to go to counseling, he managed to get the counselor to give ME homework, not him. He frequently told me that the only problem he had was me. I tell you, it took me 20 years to get past all of that, the same amount of time I had been with him.
I don't regret calling her out... I didn't use the word narcissist though Paid for it...of course...but it was worth it... The truth comes out ...no matter what... Everybody sees it now... And feel guilty about not listening to me... nothing to be happy about... It's sad... It is what it is I've left the entire family... I'm glad I did everything I could to protect and warn everyone... I'm done🙌🏼... Focusing on the family I chose😊
I asked why so many times. The final time he looked at me and said "I know you think this is all on purpose and planned and intentional, but the truth is I don't. The truth is I'm just not that deep." Honestly it was the most unnerving thing I have heard him say. And I think the most honesty I have ever gotten. I think it's toddler level. I want therefore I take type processing.
Brilliant! Just awesome: ‘I want. Therefore, I take.’ My new mantra as I open the next email where he refuses to pay for x or help with y. Well done!🙏😊
Toddler level is right. I heard another therapist describe ‘narcissistic wounding’ they reckon occurs in the infancy of these people that creates the emptiness, lack of self awareness, lack of identity. The hole they need to fill by making others suffer. They are like babies.
After binge watching some of your videos I had to apologize to my husband. I was raised by a narcissist mother. I realized in the past I had a lot of the traits, not to the extreme, and tried to work on them, but still. Now I'm dealing with a narcissist brother, the baby. Everything you say is spot on! I have started a "chill pill" as I call it, and have changed my ways. Thank you!
One thing that bothers me a lot lately is having to deal with a constant feeling of being judged on an incomplete, unrealistic and highly subjective basis. The lack of empathy makes it impossible to bring across the reasons for other people’s behaviour and reactions to all the unbearably disrespectful behaviour. What a massive challenge this is…
These people are hopeless. I just remove them from my life. You'll never convince them of what they are because they are perfect and they know everything.
OMW! When you said "because they can" I immediately recognized that this is precísely what my narcissistic husband gave as his "explanation" as to why he cheats, lies, steals all the time, "Because I can" I have also wasted away my life on the idea planted in my subconscious that all people are good, have good intentions and the Fantasy Stories told by many MANY, of how all love stories ends in "..and they lived happily ever after". It is indeed a whole lot of crap. My life is gone. I am 51 years of age and was deliberately robbed of more than 34 years if my life. Now, when you know you are being attacked, that's an entirely different story. The narcissist however, is not a decent enough human being to let you know that you are in a warzone with thém. Pretty demonic I would say. After all the years it has been established that he has been the golden, rotten spoilt child, who gets all they want, when and when he wants.
it's also sad. They are so lacking in self esteem that they will do anything to bolster themselves up on the emotional corpses of other people. Sadly, those corpses are usually us.
I got to the point in my relationship where I was recording conversations where he would yell at me, because he would say such awful things and then the next day tell me it never happened. I played him one of those recordings, as reason for why I was not returning after I finally got free, and he called me a weirdo and tried to convince me what I heard him say, and he heard himself say to me was not correct. I figured it no longer mattered to him what my reasons for not returning are, I know and that is enough. Peace of mind is better than hoping they understand
"They don't listen to you. They've never listened to you." Very good point!
True. Hard truth. Finally figured this out about 5 years ago.
So very true. He never listened to me. NEVER
The day near the end is seared in my memory of when he got in my face and yelled, "I don't care what you think, what you want, or how you feel." In hindsight it was the best thing because it made me realize if I didn't leave I would lose myself forever. Painful, but good for me.
@@275MsParis and never apologized? Mine never once did that. How do we allow that? It's amazing to look back and see that.
I get some medical abuse occasionally. Best for me to walk away or hang up. If they abuse then they wont listen. Not true for most medical staff.
Please all, learn from my mistakes -- It was absolutely awful calling them out, they went completely off, and no matter how much apologised, it was twisted into I was attacking them.... I ended up in a psych assessment for stuff I cannot say on TH-cam: believing I was a truly terrible person and the only answer was to spare everyone else from "my behaviour".... Please everyone learn from my mistake.
Right, it's not worth losing sanity over. Narcs minds are made up that they are impeccable. It's best to cut them off and not look back if you can
I'm sorry you went through all that. It sounds horrendous.
Christian narcissist are the worst they put the word of God up there but they sure don't follow it. too Bad we just can't put their names out there huh. peace and grace to you in Jesus's name.
Make no mistake - a narcissist is a dangerous person . And they can and will kill you . One way or another . I read a comment from a lady several years ago . She was convinced that her narc husband was trying to get her to commit suicide . I did reach out to her . I've wondered ever since what happened with that ..
My ex-wife/narcissist would throw God into the attack many times to belittle me...such a hurtful thing to do when you're already getting beat down emotionally, then to use God to try and shame you.
Dr. Ramani missed one very important thing you should never say to a narcissist..."I Do". These words began my 30 year marriage to my narcissistic ex. If I'd access to these very enlightening videos on narcissism back in 1991, I know my life would've been better! I'm now very thankful to be out of the hell I was living for those 30 years, and healing from his narcissistic abuse. I'm happy, healthy, and living my life in peace once again. God saved me from what was killing me!!😇🙌🏼😁🥰
Oh if I had known!!! I would have never said I do!
I did - TWICE!
You're so right. I'm going through hell.
Yes I made this mistake, because I had him on a pedestal. He said meeting me made him want to marry again. It turned out that’s how he felt about his last girlfriend. He just said that apparently to make me feel good. Omg I married that, I still feel sick about it.
Hi Doctor Ramani, my husband is so ignorant, he had no idea what a narcissistic is. Once I explained it hoping he would understand it, right away - I’M NOT A NARCISSIST! You are!!! With that I left it alone for a while then repeated it. Now he continues 8 years later. I had enough! Just last night I told him it’s done.! He doesn’t believe me. He will when the lease is up in April 2024. I’ll have enough money, rent guys to help me move. I can go back to not being abused .
Don’t say a word to the narcissist. Just know inside you’re dealing with a narcissist. Take care of yourself. Thank you, Dr. Ramani.
Well when you look back and see all the red flags, but you dismissed them and said to yourself "let it go" ie.your talking to this person, but hallway through they would say oh look at that lovely dog/baby, in other words they are not listening to you, ignorance, then they say something funny at your expense and enjoy it when they get a response from a third party, they've gotten a laugh at your expense, never mind that you were embarrassed. ..went off in a huff when you don't agree with them. The red flags I dismissed thinking I must be too sensitive. No more now though, cut ties, but this person only had to apologise, but no she is not in the wrong, she's twisted it and convinced people she's the victim. Over the years you do think there's something wrong with you, but these videos prove that your not, so do help. They, the narcissists are very sad people, I told this narcissist that she's very insecure and maybe therapy would help, but" no" she said " I'm not insecure and I can't see a therapist helping" in other words she knows better.
My family wants nothing to with me for some reason to this day I have no idea. I do know now that most of them are narcissists. I have nothi8ng to do with any of them.
@@theresesprinkle2103 They scapegoated you. Research it. That little goat is driven out. I know. It happened to me.
@@marylouleeman591 Thank you for telling me the truth. I am and was driven out.
@@theresesprinkle2103me too… but believe me, in the long run, being out of this game is way better! You are ENOUGH💝. You do not need them!
Married to a narcissist for 22 years. Divorced him. Met my soul mate and he healed me of all my wounds and loved me so very much and told me so at least 10 times a day! We were married for 20 years when he passed from cancer. Absolutely the love of my life.❤
Maybe he wasn’t a narcissist
Good for You! ❤I'm so happy for you 🎉... Maybe there is hope for ❤after all. Peace to you from 🇨🇦
Soulmate is narsissist’s venacular
You give me hope that it is possible to heal after the narc...
Walk away ! Block them. Love yourself.
I called out my narcissistic mother when I was 13 years old. Defending all of us in the household who had been abused by her for years. And I have paid my entire life for this. Living on my own by the time I was 16. She even managed to turn my own daughter against me. They're very good at playing the long game! I would tell any young person who has a pparent like this to go and find a bright and beautiful life far far away from them. You'll never regret that!
I hope that your relationship with your daughter has been or will be restored. I wish you had the knowledge sooner to go no contact, but better late than never. I know how hurtful it is once you understand the "flying monkeys" that Dr.Ramani speaks of. You grieve over them a little bit. But if one of them is your own child, that really hurts.
Re: "They're very good at playing the long game!" That's exactly what they do. And that's why they are so dangerous to their selected victim.
@@MsDera81 its her mother
That takes cajones, girl. 13 years old. Good on you!!
I'm sorry, but you shouldn't even allow them to meet. I almost always regretted introducing colleagues to my father, cause he would play nice in front of them and then either coming at me with everything they did wrong or trying to convince me I am not good enough for them cause they're too nice xD
I was married to a narcissist for eight years. I did not know I was in trouble untill I started screaming and crying because of his gaslighting. I actually thought I was going insane . I am glad I finally left. I am grateful to my family and friends that helped me got out. Thank you all.
Do you mean you were having something similar to panic attacks or anxiety attacks? I have them and live with narcissists.
I feel you. I've been with a covert one for 6, unmarried because she never met my requirements. Didn't make the 7 year mark gave her too many chances. Planning my exit now finally. Will hold onto the fact of what she is & try to be mindful of it in the mean time.
I’m glad u got out. I thought I was going to lose my mind as well, & that was the choice, leave or go nuts with this guy, who had a HUGE secret life going on behind my back.
@@Bawkr Give her a brutal discard and she will leave you alone...good luck I'm in 2 mths now from being discarded by a covert...the changes in my life are so worth it...they can't love ...they don't care they enjoy making you suffer....
I was screaming and crying in private in my car when I was with a narcissist for 9 months, can't believe you lasted 8 YEARS!! WOW
I already did too much. I just filed for divorce after 27 years. Way too long!!! Please pray for me to get thru the process.😢
The best sleep of your life is coming. Then your new life beyond your imagination. Be excited! Zero contact!
You are stronger than you realize, truly.❤
apologies for people who experience the sort. This is what human resources should screen for.
I just filed yesterday after 21 years of marriage 23 years together.
🙏❤️
Narcissists hate when you tell the truth.
And even worse if you ask them, calmly, to be specific. My ex husband would always say things like: 'Well, you do x,y,z wrong.' So, one day (after getting this recommendation somewhere online), I calmly asked 'Can you give me a specific instance of when I did that?'
Be prepared because their eyeballs WILL bulge like bombs out of their heads but then, instead of exploding eye guts all over you, they explode backward into his/her own brain. I am fairly sure that this would be excellent medical training for neurologists.
Truth is like Kriptonite for emotional vampires.
Especially to their faces
You are very right
Thank you for your teachings
Learning the reason for the hell doesn't make it stop. Only removing yourself will get you out of.that narcissist's hell.
I wish I knew this in 1984, it would have saved me from 28 yrs of misery.
I went no contact with my sister, my only sibling, after my parents died. It's been 20+ years. Best thing I have done. No drama, no lies, no manipulation.
Good for you! I called my narcissistic brother out and told him he was a useless waste of humanity and no one truly liked him, only tolerated him. He imploded. I blocked him on all social media, phone, email and went greyrock after a special forces friend and his buddies, all friends of mine, 29:56 visited him at his work place and quietly explained to him i didn’t want any more contact with him and that it would be unwise to attempt it. They were very polite and nice about it. My brother is a pussy and never got in a fight in his life. He did not want to tangle with my friends. Haven’t heard from him in over a decade.
Awesome!!!! I didn't have to even call em' out I think I may have said enough things to make her angry enough to leave me alone what a blessing.
I hear you. No contact with my sister for 17 years, and then she died. Didn't mean one thing to me and actually I was glad because now she can't hurt anyone else.
I ended my 25 year old alienated daughter. It was the most difficult thing I have ever had to do. I just couldn’t stand the insults and the extreme mood swings. One minute I was great then next minute it was I never want to have a relationship with you. I was emotional a mess to the point of suicide.
@@lisagrimes4801 Well done. Seems you learned to love yourself. What a beautiful thing. Hats off to you.
I was married to a narcissist/control freak for 25 years. I was young and naïve, and never could actually have a life unless it was being stuck to him or included his family. It took all those years to figure things out and to realize I was worth so much more and deserved much more. We divorced, and boy was it ugly. He broke into my car, stalked me and my co-workers/friends, did whatever he could to humiliate me in everyone's eyes, and tried to break me financially. All because he was losing his control over me. I now have been free for 22 years. I do not have a partner. I do what I want, when I want and with whom I want. I don't answer to anyone. The freedom I have is so precious to me. Dr. Ramini your videos just validate everything I have learned. Please keep up the good work for those who are in need. We all deserve to have the freedom that can be ours.
Bless you! Not only have I been through this, I have worked with many others who either have or were going through it at the time.
He has started since about last year to try to demolish me through parental alienation. We have been apart for 20 years too.
It is so bad to see and hear that same sick voice coming from your children. Mine are now basically grown but it's like walking through a mine field for me. I never know when to flinch or when to exhale.
Where I live, they have added parental alienation into the DA law. That is good but it is still a highly delicate issue, like performing microsurgery.
I want to be like you and that is what I am aiming for. I am not saying you have it perfect but I do appreciate, very VERY much, that you left this comment because it will show me and many, many others that it can be done. Thank you.
Amen!
100%! I am so much happier NOT being in a relationship.
Sometimes you have to divorce family members
The DESTRUCTIVE NARCISSIST/socio in my life was my husband 30 yrs... I was also young and naive. During the divorce, I was told "You're in for a blood bath." I was far from prepared to go up against this. Then our daughter picked up where he left off and has become a skilled manipulator, compulsive liar, a weaponized woman who will do ANYTHING to prevent her mask from being removed.
I was in the process of going no contact 8 yrs ago, however, she became pregnant with my 1st Grandchild and I became aware that an evil pharmacist gave her powerful controlled substances that she took during her 1st trimester. I could not leave!
Now she has my Grandchild who I fear is at risk for God knows what? I became trapped in her manipulation her ability to use my love against me, use my Grandchild to keep me where she wants me and now I realize she wants me to be homeless so that I cannot stand in her WAY of WHATEVER it is she WANTS TO DO.
She is still in contact with this pharmacist who gives her drugs and she will tell you flat out: YOU are crazy YOU are a liar YOU are sick, disgusting, she calls me four letter words including the the C word sometimes in front of the child.
I have spent A LOT of TIME and ENERGY trying to stop this man and his wife (both pharmacistS) trying to stop my daughter having contact with this man and sofar have failed. A Dr has been convicted and SENTENCED... a Dr who is well aquatinted with the pharmacist. I was encouraged to send letters to the Judge by her adminstrative assistant which I DID.
That is the opportunity I had to tell about the connection between the Dr and the pharmacist AND TELL ALL in hopes to keep my Grandchild safe from the pharmacist who is a pedophile. That word makes me physically ill so it's difficult to say, however, IT IS TRUE.
I am now fighting to keep a roof over my head. I feel it's too late for me. I wish I would have had her institutionalized years ago. The good part is God had our backs before a prayer was said and my Grandchild was born healthy.
I realize that this may sound like fiction, sadly it's not and sadly much more. No percentage in trusting anyone??
I'm currently in a narcissistic relationship. And it truly sucks. Everything this Dr. Is saying is true.
I called out my brother for being a covert narcissist. Not because I wanted to, but because I had given up. And I just didn't care anymore. It's been a year and he was so offended he hasn't spoken to me once since. when i told him i didnt tell him out of anger. I told him out of apathy, and feeling like it just didnt matter anymore. I finally hit a point in my life that doesn't care if they take offense and don't speak to me...honestly my life is better off without the toxicity.
I cut off a sister and do not contact. I did it before for 3 years, she hoovered herself back into my life, and I allowed it, only to regret it. She was even worse after a year in. So she's cut off for life now. Sad, but necessary.
I feel the same way about my brother!
I did that with my ex and did not care if he turned it around on me. Cuz I knew damn well I wasn’t a narc cuz I have very high empathy which he would weaponize.. I felt no regret telling him
How do u navigate relationship with yr parents?
The comment section of these videos are so good. Thank you to everyone who shares their experience here.
Yes! I quickly learned how valuable others’ comments can be. So grateful to the sharers! 😊
My husband seem to have exihibited all three narcissistic behaviours. He started with vernerable went on to grandiose and now I'm seeing toxicity. This is over a period of 30yrs. Is this normal?
I call them out all the time. I have zero problems exposing them to everyone they know.
Good for YOU. I DON'T either. I don't have a problem calling them out at all. I did it twice to two different people.
Calling them out makes things worse. My mother just added the words to her arsenal and now uses "narcissist" and "gaslighting" to describe my father and me. Things are always happening to her. I have never seen her take responsibility for anything unless it is said in a plaintive tone as a victim. For eg: There must be something wrong with me that no one wants to be with me. I'm too honest/good/pure for this world. People find goodness boring.
Absolutely zero self-awareness or reflection.
I had a miscarriage and she cried saying she asked God why does he keep doing this to me (meaning her). Not once did she ask how I felt. Everything happens to her.
What a terrible mother. I'm sorry you've bad to deal with that. Im sorry to hear you had a miscarriage . How are you doing and feeling? I hope you got through it ok. That's so difficult. Sending you good vibes..
As an old woman who grew up with a mommy-dearest combo platter of Cluster B Personality Disorders, Ms. B I am most grateful I walked away from her completely when I was 30. Of course she was “the victim.” Of course she denigrated me to everyone. Of course I had the fear, obligation and guilt. Of course it initially felt “wrong.” But the “wrong” ensured I persevered anyway with NC and lived a very successful life free from abuse. I shudder to think of what my life would have been if I kept trying to treat her like a normal human being and believed it was my own imperfections, personal failures etc. that was “responsible” for her abhorrent, conscienceless behavior. Best wishes to you. Take care and my condolences on the loss of your baby.
Horrible to grow up with narcissistic parents... I feel for you.. No wonder we cannot have a secure attachment style after growing up with them... Sending you lots of courage to face the miscarriage...
My narc relative would sit across the room from me and literally pray out loud that my unborn child would fall into the toilet.
@@MsDera81 And you no longer have any contact with them, right?!
The doctor is right. I was married to a Narcissist (Psychopath, also); and the only time that he told me I had "beaten him" was when I had stopped taking his bait/stopped reacting. The happier you become, no matter what their behavior is, is what really unhinges them.
yes.narcissist don't like others
when they're happy.
Spawns of satan
@@shirlspark_stardust pretty much
@@shirlspark_stardust I would say not born but consumed later in life
How sad
Worse thing to call them out and expose their lies in such a way that they can't hide, dismiss or deny. They don't want to appear as the flawed, despicable and the lying, deceitful cheaters they are. After calling them out, a brutal and cruel discard will follow and they will wait patiently to do it (careful planning even if it takes them a long time) at the worst time in your life, such after a loss, illness or other terrible event in your life. They will want to humiliate you and add salt to your wounds as payback for making them look bad and no longer putting them on a pedestal. They are evil and cunning.
Very true .....resolution:
1. Be super tender/kind with yourself
2. Learn how to enjoy your own company
3. Always have a checklist of positive rumination especially when upset or fed-up with such stumb.
4. Practice being discrete in your speech......this is a regular stocker
in your life.
5. Talking to the mirror....a true friend indeed
I’m printing this out
I find the mirror to be my friend who is Christ in me the hope of Glory! I Thank the Lord for his Wisdom and Grace because I asked him to show me my husband and then he showed me-Narc and I have been getting my self educated for the last 2 months-WOW 😮and I told him oops 🙊 too late-We’ve been married 14yrs no kids TYJ 🙏🏽I have two daughters/ 10 grandkids- he really doesn’t know how to really bond/ can’t/want-cause it’s not about him I’m finding out-WOW
Thank you ❤
Wonderful advice as I suffer from a narcissistic family member. Thank you for posting!
I think silent treatment is great it's peace and quiet.
Never call them out especially if they have a tendency to rage. The abuse will ramp up and they get more ugly in ways you've never seen before. They're not afraid to stoop low and it seriously sheds a whole new light of how disturbing they can actually be.
I have watched a lot of videos now and I actually started thinking it was me, I was the narcissist. How wrong I was and have been. I rarely put myself first and give away too much information that is then used to belittle me and quite honestly how I haven't ended up in a lunatic asylum in a straight jacket, I don't know. But when you have lived a life with struggles then your build inner strength. I hope everyone struggling with a narcissist realises they can be free, healthy and strong in mind and body. Bless you all.
Same. Except my narcissistic man called me a narcissist after watching all of her videos and I believed him until i realized the truth just like you
I pray for them that Jesus would help heal their brokenness.
Dr. Ramani you are 💯right. The narcissist I live with once heard me watching your videos although I always try to watch when I’m alone. Guess what happened! The first argument we had after that he told me stop watching those videos they are ruining your life.
I was baffled 😮
@Zou bisou bisou Is that group a local to you? I just tried Googling NAARP in various ways but couldn't find anything. If you have any info you could share for it, I'd really appreciate it. Thank you
Right said that to me too she said you not getting no help after watching it on TH-cam that’s not help I just look at her and started laughing
Reply: “Too late, sweet stuff. You already did that.”
Reminds me of my narc husband. He actually also called me out for becoming more spiritual because I’ve been reading the Bible more and Christian publications on marriage which has also helped me to learn how to deal with him and he said that I’m now turning into a fanatic! No, he just doesn’t have a low life equivalent to bounce off his negative energy anymore. 😅
A month ago, my narcissistic ex texted me that our 16 y.o. daughter had been in a car accident and was at a trauma center. Six hours later, I was on a plane flying to her. Daughter unconscious, unresponsive. I asked narc what had happened. “I don’t know, I was there.” How are the other girls? “Why don’t you call them and ask?” Were other cars involved? “I’m sure that the police report will provide that information if you request it.” Can you give me the cell numbers for the other girls parents? “Why? Do you want their advice on brain injuries?” When I pushed back (I know, I know), she raised her voice, accused me of abusing her, and called to the nurses for security. Even in the midst of a medical crisis, it was pointless to communicate with the narcissist. (She’s awake and alert and in a rehab hospital making great strides forward.)
These people are MONSTERS. In this situation had to be all focused about her and her reaction, didn't it?
I'm so glad she's making a recovery. Take care of yourself during this difficult time!
Jesus what a demonic person. Sorry you had to go through that Pal.
According to my narcissist. Women cat be narcissist. But this same stuff happens to me all the time.
Can't
I know a narcissist that has learned how to mimic how to care, have empathy, and appear to be a loving, compassionate human being. It's sad but I have completely disconnected from one and pulling back slowly from another. I cannot completely disconnect, but I don't engage in the control, manipulation, tantrum d and other narcissistic behavior. Sad, but liberating ❗🙌🏾💕😢
I’d wager that the person was a covert narcissist - they’re exceptionally good at all of the things you listed.
@@BookishDark 9:36
Dr Ramani, you are the narcissists worst nightmare. I love it....and love the work you do!!! ❤
She's the best doctor ever! I have 2 narc doctors parents... And she's is 10000000x better the MY ER DOC Parents... I'm sooo impressed by her! I wonder who are her parents? Narc doctor parents as well? lol
You can’t call them out because you risk educating them. If your Narc doesn’t know the word or what it means, they’ll go and Google it and learn exactly how to avoid detection and paint you as a Narc. If they don’t know the term already you’re in a better place.
NEVER educate them, or theyll just be better at it for their next victim.
Knowledge is power.
This is so smart OMG
So basically I have to learn to be the bigger man huh.. not having the last word and stuff
@@Vanilayogi you’re really in a cage. They’re like a machine, your last word is what they want. The best advice I can give is to not take what they say personally because they’re absolutely trying to get a reaction so they can turn around and call you crazy.
You are never enough for a Narc!! They will take take and take until you have nothing left
Hello Dr Ramani,i'm a 36 yr old man who have taken a keen interest in your videos and found them educating.They help me discern aspects of my personality i need to improve in my dealings with others.I'm so thankful that i found your channel.Please know that we all are grateful for the time spent preparing these videos.
From Botswana.
Perfectly said!
Awesome you're aware and want to change. Please watch *mental healness* (creator Lee Hammond) on all social media. He's a self aware narcissist and has proven himself to stay married (with children? Can't remember) His wife speaks out also. Hope that's helpful.
@@Indy__isnt_it great suggestion! I love mental healness, I ask my narc to watch him too!
Amen to that gratitude!
One of my family members "called out" her narcissist husband and then he strangled her to death in a total rage. She was only 39 yrs old, but after years of his abuse she couldn't keep quiet any longer. She had come to the USA from another country and felt trapped, so instead of leaving him she tried to fix him. Really tragic.
Yep. When I told my ex husband he was a narcissist he told me I was the narcissist. I simply said, "that's exactly what a narcissist would say." He didn't explode. We didn't argue.
Our relationship was unique because we'd been classmates since the second grade and he had a crush on me. Then in the 9th grade we became a couple, split in the 10th grade, got back together a year after graduating at 20, married at 23 and divorced at 36.
His family doted on him. He was everyone's favorite. He was the middle child and the only boy. He's beyond charming and handsome. His family was well off but not flaunty.
Even now it's odd thinking about it. He was my drug. Divorcing him was the hardest thing I've had to do. It was so bad I had to move 8 hours away. Distance saved my life and the cloud lifted and I've been better ever since.
I called my narcissist out and I am glad I did!!!! I have no regrets!!! I called him out after we broke up and I know I scared him because he doesn’t want me to tell others. I’m proud of myself because he knows it!! It’s been 2 yrs since our breakup and he hasn’t been able to keep a relationship since. I’m sorry but every situation is different!!
The emotional abuse cycle is broken. The cost is reliving past scars... Plz don't relive ANY of it! Find peace with other better people! Sending Positive Vibes!
Very true that each case is different, however, my own experience is that this is right. In fact, even when I told my brother years ago that I think I figured out what is wrong with our parents and I gave him the book "Children of the Self Absorbed". all he did was weaponize my parents against me. That was back in the days that I was still making all the mistakes, With my ex husband a therapist told us both that he qualified for an ASPD/NPD diagnosis and he didn't even care. I had no idea what it meant and I totally ignored it still blindly committed to the belief that the love bombing phase (which in our case was very subtle and long lasting) was the norm and we'd get back to it. My life was totally unraveled and destroyed by the time I understood what I'd been up against.
once you recognize that the person you're dealing with is a narcissist, you understand that there's nothing you can do to fix them, change them, or get them to acknowledge the truth. NOTHING. not one ever-loving thing. NOT. ONE. THING. please, dear ones--learn from dr. ramani. she is right on the money here. i know from experience with my narc sister and my narc ex--i didn't know they were narcs when i was in those relationships.
Say it say it say it!!!!!
I know both of those pains. It hurts bad on both fronts. It makes you feel crazy. You're not crazy. Your good human being put thru something very odd. I hope you continue to heal! It has taken years and years for me... Sending Positive Vibes!
I didn't know what a narc was either ! It is disturbing .
in conclusion, ' you can NOT polish a turd ' .
@@LOVEtoPLAYdrums
This is one amazing compilation of extremely accurate information. Thank You Dr. Ramani.
Absolutely spot on! I am a former wife of a narcissist. What a nightmare.
62 year old male; married 40 years. I am isolated, due to most all of family, and friends being pushed away. Starting to understand that to heal, I must get away.
as long as you try to salvage a relationship like this, you will always lose. Think of them as the human equivalent of poison oak. Get too close and you get damaged...even now, at 77, I still ache a bit over how she damaged my childhood. They need validation so badly they will do almost anything to get it, including throwing people under that particular bus...walk away.
Please sir, Im 47 married to hell for 8. Its BAD. What should I do?
Wow!!! Me too.60, married to a narcissist for 40 years! Praying for u 🙏
Same! 30 years of marriage. Be strong. Praying for everyone in this situation.
Hang in there bro, I'm in the same boat. Pray to God with sincerity, the Universe will put people in your life.
I'm like kryptonite to the narcissist in my life, he's tried all his games but it gets him nowhere. I feel happy and calm. Thank you.
Hmmn! I really admire your kind
I do not have a voice. I am not expressive with words. I cannot even put my feelings to words, but listening to your videos helped me understand what's happening with me. So love you for your work. Many many thanks for helping me out :) I cannot go to therapy but am strong to deal with this. I live for me kids now and will try to make them better person.
Like you have said, sometimes we want to say the most horrible things to them. But we do that for ourselves, out of pride or revenge. It will do no good concerning the narcissist, and will only make things worse for you. Just go no contact, and save only the loveliest words for yourself, to build yourself back up again. Saturate your hours and days with thankfulness and self encouragement. Let go and move on to a new future.
This is good advice. They have a knack of “making you the bad guy.”
I said to my mom, with truth and anger, "why couldn't it have been a different womb?" and it really seemed to hurt her. She never forgot it. I dont at all regret it and if anything it may possibly have served as a mirror (doubtfully). It did keep her hooks out of me for a long time and let her know my true feelings. I finally said what I truley felt w/o guilt.
"Saturate your days with love and encouragement for yourself"--well-said
So well said! I feel better and more confident just reading it.🥰
Very well said unfortunately I didn't hear those words 6 long tormenting months ago. Worse mistake I made besides marrying her in the first place 😢
I'm retired and love this woman, Les Carter and Vaknin. Bravo. Changed my life, saved my life probably.
Thank you Dr Ramani, I learnt for the thousandth time that there’s nothing I can do😢
have a blessed day, beautiful people. sending love and support to all :) xo
Back at ya my dear stay safe😘
"Slowly, but surely, pull back and withdraw the narcissistic supply!! You're no longer engaging; nor are you a source of bait."
I came across your videos yesterday, over 2 decades after I left an abusive marriage to a narcissist. Your words brought back much of the pain I experienced from the belittling, mockery, extreme jealousy, financial control , gaslighting and other forms of hitting out at me. Since then my life has changed in so many positive ways that I am grateful every day. I thank you for explaining many things I couldn't name at the time.
Dr Ramani, you’re videos have literally changed my life. I hope YOU are doing well and taking good care of yourself. The world needs you.
They get you back! Believe me it’s not worth it.
This is the perfect message at the perfect time, you are doing great work for those of us stuck with a narcissist. I wish I heard this 10 years ago!
Get unstuck, after 27 years, I filed for divorce. I want freedom back !!!!
Me too. 😔 9 years and counting.
A couple of years ago, before I knew you should never call them out, I made the mistake of calling out my narc ex. Wow, the reaction was unreal! Thankfully we were separated at that stage and this was done over the phone as he was extremely violent & abusive. When I eventually hung up the phone, I got text after text after text of the most vitriolic, hurtful abuse. I wouldn’t dare repeat what he said here but it was bad. I learned my lesson that day.
I can believe it. Mine sort of flipped right from the love bomber to the angry reactor type and it was honestly like a nuclear meltdown. That wasn't even over calling him a narc, it was from trying to point out he'd done something hurtful we had to talk about. You'd think I'd pulled knives on him and threatened him with bodily harm. If I'd known he was a narc and called him that he'd probably have violently exploded or had a stroke on the spot.
@@Erydanus I can totally relate. The narc rage is horrendous. I caught my ex cheating and I was subjected to *weeks* of abuse and violence after I caught him. No “I’m sorry” or “please forgive me”, just rage. Go figure?
Going through this right now ! 🤦🏽♀️but his way is to aggravate me by phone then hung up to get me to react by tex to further forward my response to my own family and his families + friends to say I’m the one that is a narcissist and to also prove that I am unreasonable.
Thank goodness we can now block them on our phones. Got enough texts to know what was dealing with, it didn’t take many. Don’t like texting anyway. Blocked.
i think they perceive it as an attack so feel justified in attacking back, ive had things said to me that were Just to hurt. i had someone pull up some plants i had planted and threw them in the bin because they were 'the wrong plants in the wrong place' ! proving they will rather destroy something than let others get credit
Calling them out can leave you feeling twisted in knots emotionally and mentally. If I called out his abuse and microaggressions I was accused of being critical and negative. If I disengaged from the crazy making circular conversations I was accused of being cold, dismissive and not caring about his feelings. If I tried to end the relationship explaining I didn't like I how I was being treated or because it was unhealthy for me i was accused of never truly loving him. If the verbal abuse was too bad and i stopped reacting and responding all together i was accused of punishing him or ignoring him.
You eventually feel like such an awful person and began to wonder maybe I am an abuser...I mean you certainly do start to feel angry, hurt, resentful and suppressed so you figure maybe there is some truth in what the narcissist is saying, right? WRONG. This person is the sole root of your distress. And while we survivors certainly have our own personal issues and room for improvement- that sick, stressed, depressed, confused and hollowed-out feeling we have while in the relationship with them are all signs that you need to cut ties with them. If you're able to get out, please leave and begin the work of recreating your life. It's so worth it!
So many of these comments are so on the nose.... they are all so similar in how they treat people. Thanks for sharing.
Years I’ve allowed my father to control and manipulate me. I wanted so badly to believe that he would wake up and stop hurting me b/c I truly do want a relationship with him. Thank you for not giving me false hope. I feel like a weight has been lifted and it’s okay for me to be done. It’s ok to say no. I don’t think I’m healthy enough to Grey Wall just yet, but I finally feel hope. I could never thank you enough.
Hello anyone who wants to read this, I have waited forty years to leave my family finally!with a narcissist father and three narcissist sisters it’s been hell and it’s made me seriously physically unwell and mentally with self harm. I have 10 days left and I’m cut off. Wish me luck❤️ and to those who are waiting to leave your time will come ❤️ why seek revenge when karma the bastard will get them ajahn brahm
Congratulations on your escape. That is a soul wrenching step to take but I know it helped me. Went no contact as much as possible 6.5 yrs ago. They still have a hold over me via money. If they hadn't made me so sick, I wouldn't still need their money. It is maddening. But at least I'm safe from being unhoused.
P.S. called them out via a long (13 pg) carefully worded and vetted letter. 5 yrs later they were still so angry about it they threatened me when I referred to it.
I am proud of you. You will feel like you have been re-born when you leave all those terrible, toxic people behind. Form relationships with people who are truly kind, loving, and mentally well.
Bless them with love and move on. The best revenge is moving on and being a successful, happy person without them to drag you down to their level of misery. They are miserable people inside and that is their torment. Best of luck to you!
I left my Narc wife 21/2 years ago after 38 years. 😊 best thing I ever did. She won’t sign the divorce papers yet. Lol. There is nothing better than peace and harmony in your life. Be strong and take one day at a time. Enjoy the quiet peaceful day. Good luck you got this.
It's not easy to leave narc family, good for you. Don't look back or worry about their emotional state
I told 3 Narcissists they are narcissists. I don't care what they think I don't care if they hear me or not.(Its for me not them)
A narcissist is not a person. It is a thing. Try to reason with a rock. Try to work things out with the wind.
I was only 26 when I met the narcissist. We married on our 25th anniversary of being together. Everything felt amazing. He had been so great consistently for 15 months (3 months before we got married, and then a full year after getting married.) I was so happy. He said he was the happiest he'd ever been in his life. Then I found out he'd been having a secret emotional affair with his coworker (24 yr old. I'm 54.) and had been for quite some time-3 years. However, 15 months prior, they'd stepped it up by becoming online buddies as well, so he always had his "pocket girlfriend " with him on his phone and even had contact with her on our wedding day and every trip we took. He was always in a great mood. Basically, everywhere we went together as a couple, there was a paper trail of his betrayal. I made the mistake a million times of asking "why?" and your right Dr. Ramani; I was left feeling more confused than I did before I asked. He did apologize (in the way they do-so pathetically) at the time he got caught and said he didn't know why he did it. Since then though, he's said it made him feel younger.. and to that I said: "well, it must not be working, you don't look it." It's been 16 months since I've found out and I'm ashamed that I'm still with him. He keeps sucking me back in. That 15 months when he treated me so great (to my face) is what I think I'm hoping will come back... minus the betrayal. I thought it was "us" and finally getting married that made him be so happy and consistently treat me great... but now I know that wasn't it because THAT consistently good, understanding, nice guy hasn't been back since the day he got caught. I asked him numerous times to please come back. I also said i need a new ceremony to replace the terrible memory i now have of our wedding, since he was betraying me at the time. He said we would get remarried because he "loves me so much and is so sorry". I brought it up again yesterday... his answer was "What? You want me to run out and do that today?" Like 16 months hasn't been enough time to take me to the courthouse, or a park and have a small, mock, ceremony? I've never felt more unloved and uncared for in my life. I have entirely lost track of who I am. I used to be so strong and now i feel so weak. This is what a narcissist will do to you.
We can understand intellectually “what happened” but emotionally, not so much…..at all. The disconnect between your screen name and your current situation is a horribly perfect example of that-how well so many of us know. And that strength you spoke to? It may have been drained, my friend but it’s not absent. The fake guy was the one you married. The real one is the guy who strung you along for 25 yrs. and continues to pretend if you “just do this” whatever, he’ll be right back. Sometimes, it just isn’t about us. Fake guy is never coming back other than momentarily seeking another 25 yr. run at your expense. Don’t buy into the Sunk Cost Fallacy. Take care of you-*you matter.*
The strength that you had……
I too felt like that, until I faced One More Cycle of his disregulated crazy crap!!!
On day 4 I finally blurted out “I cannot do this anymore, you have to leave!” (My house was to no longer be “our home”.)
The first time I had to drive across state to a gallery that represents me, I was unrealistically terrified!
Right!!!?? Me, who’d been SO independent and strong…
But I made room to nurture myself through it.
5 hours on the road, alone, on what turned out to be a gorgeous day….
Then I decided to begin adding things that are new to me back into my life.
This that and the other thing went from feeling terrified and wanting to run back home (ooooh, I have my studio, nice, safe place….) to feeling ok.
Now, I may feel a little trepidation for new things, BUT I also now feel excited sometimes!
Ok, just a couple of times…..
But the trend is about regaining confidence by doing things and observing my emotions and reminding myself that I’ll be ok.
My wish for you, is that you too find the way back to yourself. It will take time and compassion!!!
💖
Relationships are built on trust and they broke that trust. It's like trying to put together a broken glass, it won't ever be the same. It is probably better for your mental health to move on
@@tundrawomansays694 thank you so much. I'm trying to find my way back to "me." Your words of wisdom help. I really appreciate it. Thanks again..
But you are also shady for telling him he doesn't look like it..true true men who ran into many women don't look young at all
This video is so timely. I plan on breaking the news of my intention to divorce in marriage counseling tomorrow. I had a whole list of sins ready to go tomorrow to explain why. You stopped me from doing it. I’m so close to getting tf out, it would be foolish to set off a narcissistic injury before I do. I just need to get out, the quieter the better. I’ll be reviewing my list between now and then, to keep my resolve up and then save for my own reference if I’m ever doubting my decision in the future.
YES!! Confronting him will only alert him to go into attack mode on you. Get everything in order completely and THEN tell him in a definitive way that it is over.
(Btw, don’t know to say him or her so I just picked one. I wish you well!)
Whatever you do, don't ever warn them before hand. Plan and do things quietly and let them know after you're far gone and they cannot contact you, because they won't let you leave them, they will either get violent or they'll cry crocodile tears and entitledly will tell you they won't leave you, sucking you in hell again. Wish you the best friend, may God be with you 🙏
Best of luck. Congratulations. I am happy for you. Be careful. Be careful. Listen to all the good advice here. Be careful. Congratulations. I wish you the very very best.
Just get out, don't need to explain. Get your finances in order; separate the bank accounts and whatever you can do ahead of time so he doesnt beat you to it and sabotage. Be stealthy and smart and fair, that way it won't come back on you later.
Just do it…dont look back…save your soul ❤
When you meet a very charismatic person who's awsome find out who their friends are. They don't have any! Meet their friends at work and learn how they feel about them at work. Take your time and don't get into a relationship because when you start seeing something isn't right its because you need to start walking away and avoid them. Don't try to explain how you both disagree. Don't try to be a friend just RUN!!!
Im a Covert Narcissist.
I recently realized Ive always been one under the guise of being a victim of happenstance and a inherently cruel universe
The talking points in these videos are very true: including the point about being called out. I didnt hear it at the time and unloaded my rage (as i have always done) at the accuser.
Thank you for the videos. I look forward to learning and understanding how I've been systematically hurting people. Im seeking professional help to correct my behavior.
(I'm serious and not being sarcastic about any of this. Genuine ty)
It’s really interesting to hear things from ‘the other side’. Congratulations on trying to change and wishing you the best on that journey.
A Narcissist Owning up? If you're so self-aware, probably you aren't a Narcissist at all! I can't even imagine Narcissists in my life ever owning up.
@@sumit92artist yeah, that's impossible.
Congratulations
@@sumit92artist Dr. Ramini has mentioned working with narcissists who come to her but they’re rare.
Wow, that tone thing is so very true. Me talking to him was hard enough. And whenever I did say something he would get upset and say “don’t talk to me like that.” It didn’t matter. So it got to the point where I was afraid to say anything to this man. I came to the conclusion that he just didn’t want me talking to him. Towards the end, I just chose not to talk to him even when I needed to. I just grey-rocked and ignored him. By this time I was basically invisible and nonexistent to him until he needed something.These people are sad.
How you're in a relationship with someone you're afraid of ? Makes no sense
Until he needed what... to get laid. And you gave it up right? So you gave it up to someone you're afraid of 😨 🤔😵💫
In your case, grey rock isn´t enough. You need to step up, stop walking on eggshells around him, set your own boundaries and maintain them.
I had friends like this. Eventually, i burned all bridges with them, as they were only dragging me down.
@@chayo4537 that's what trauma bonding does. Extend empathy to the lady.
Taking care of my NM and it came down to where I stop talking to her as well. Grey Rocking is the only thing we can do in a very bad situation. I get it. Hope you find your way out and find peace. Much hugs to you.
Thanks for the revelation : "They never listened to you. They are not listening to you. They will not listen to you. Nobody ever gets JUSTICE from a narcissist."
Before this sentence, I was hoping realization & apology. BUT NO.
Just realized (from past incidents) their ego is so fragile that they can not even say sorry or thank you, to anyone. Wait, is it a psychopath?
I ruminate all the time berating myself for not leaving this train wreck marriage.
Me too not about what I allowed but what I didn't do it sucks
It's never too late Katie!
@@catherinepraus8635 spot on.
@@mdee860 true. I just can’t get there.
@@katie195 - 😘 Sending you a 🤗. Stay with Dr. Carter; keep learning more & surround yourself with people who truly care about you. I am facing huge obstacles both physically & financially... but I'm still leaving. I am worth it & I refuse to accept verbal & emotional abuse - mixed in with random kindness, of course! 🤯 I'm on to that trick, too. PS: Dr. Ramani, also on TH-cam, TG is very good & my 2nd favorite after Dr. C!
There will ALWAYS be consequences for crossing a narc. It's better to just get along with the grieving of the fact that you will never see justice.
thank you. im about to turn 19. i grew up with my mom being an extremely unhealed hurt child /narcissist which i hated to admit because its my mom and i love her with every inch of me no matter what. she passed from sickness. 2 months later i met this now 47 yo lady my bestfriends aunt knew, was brainwashed into thinking everyone gets gets a second chance at having a mother. because we experienced similar backgrounds, she made me believe she was the only person in the world who could understand how i felt and could love me way more than anyone ever will. but every "mother and daughter conflict " that arose was brutal. me being told im a shitty person, im disrespectful, im irresponsible, i care only about myself, im selfish, i push people away, im dirty, im not trustworthy because of who raised me. i finally had enough. i wasn't listening to anyone but her and always had her back. no one at my job told me they didnt like her because they truly cared abt me. my workplace became my peace and i finally saw all the good ass people around me. they all told me they got me if i needed anything. i had no idea. because of that woman. now im staying with my coworkers and lifes good. i have to collect the rest of my belongings sunday. and ill never have to look at her again. i didnt speak to her since the day we had our last conflict. i feel fucking amazing .
I called my narcissist out then went non contact. But I did that for ME, for my healing process.
👏 sending prayers and comfort
When one woman realised she was in a toxic relationship, she decided to leave. It took her several years. She quietly opened her own bank account. She never told her husband about her pay rises. When she had amassed enough money, she left. He came home one day and found she had left. She changed jobs. He had idea where she was.
I did it for myself also, then filed for divorce. I am at peace now. 😊
What a narcissist is like is: an ALIEN from another planet who has everything except one thing, LOVE. The longer you stay with the narcissist, the more and more you are being deprived of love and more and more you are ALONE in SOLITARY confinement!!!!! I stayed in so long I almost died emotionally because I thought there was love that I could bring out in this person and ALL my hopes and loyalty was to her. You need to RESPECT YOURSELF... you cannot tolerate abuse! If you stay in this relationship, you are being the second enemy of yourself. The first enemy is the narcissist and then you are becoming the second enemy. LOVE YOURSELF! END IT. And the reason you must go into complete and total permanent no contact is because you need to stop all those neurotransmitter channels of emotions that the narcissist was tapping into and that you were exercising. That whole thing has to end and erase and your mind has to erase this person from your life and you must heal. There can be no ongoing conversation!!!! You must use these words "Good Bye".....end it.
Bravo, I applaud you for your on point comment. Very helpful and inspirational Thanks. 👌👌👏👏👏👏
I couldn't of said it more clearly myself. So much time spent with this person that escaped any sense of rational or reasoning, as that's exactly what they don't want, to be known for what they are, instead of what they want you to believe they are.
Paper beats Rock. And Good Bye beat heated F U's... Use your Golden Shield Mate! Cheers! It takes years to heal, even after the good bye...
So true I take your advice and I am cutting off for good the evil narc I was married to I can’t no more
@@shirlspark_stardust Sending Love and healing~~~!
Oh, I definitely told my narcissistic brother that he's a narcissist, and that he became that way at least in part because our mother was a narcissist who viewed him as her extension or "the golden child," while I was the scapegoat / truth-teller who is much smarter and empathetic than she was but was not interested in tennis as a hobby like she was and my brother used to be. But I combined this statement with stepping away from the toxic family environment that had plagued me my whole until then. So I got to call out my brother and also leave the unacceptable family situation at the same time, meaning I got my cake and got to eat it too. I haven't voluntarily seen my brother in four years or more, and when we do briefly interact in unavoidable situations, he is less disrespectful than he used to be. Because I have proven that I don't give a damn what he thinks, don't admire him, don't even particularly like him, don't want him actively in my life. He knows he's expendable to me, so he has learned some measure of basic decency in some of our interactions. Narcissistic supply DENIED.
I think this rule applies to all jerks who are destroying one’s peace. I have one sister who’s borderline personality disorder, another who’s extremely passive aggressive and whose social currency is hateful lies and gossip, and is such an extreme gaslighter that she even gaslights herself. Two other siblings were cut out of my life decades ago, so I don’t know them anymore except when they come into my life every few years to cause chaos. Our mother was a narcissist and not a single one of us grew up unscathed. Myself included. But I can’t start to heal until all of these people are out of my life. Soon, as soon as our parents estate is settled. But calling them out in the past went extremely bad and got me targeted even more. Now I only care about my own health and wellness. On the road to healing you sometimes have to cut off toxic family. Outsiders don’t understand, and that’s ok.
I t o t a l l y understand
Thank you. I was married to a toxic narcissistic for 30 years until I was so sick I had 2 options, a gun to my head or leave. I still wake up every morning feeling betrayed feeling hate. It's been 8 years and I still feel the loss. I grieve losing my family even though I waited for my 3 children to be grown because I feel I needed to stay and protect them from him. My kids say he looks decrepit now and I guess his horrible soul is showing through. He remarried a therapist that was never married or had children. I hope he doesn't destroy her too. I don't feel I have any love from my children because he was always gaslighting me. I don't think my kids know me. I was his doormat for 30 years in front of them. I'm in a healthier relationship and I feel bad my new man has to deal with my bad memories.
So sad to hear this.wish u a happy life.❤️🤗
I am in a similar situation, waiting for my kids to grow, my younger one is 6 yrs old . A long long way to go .
Omg I’m glad you go out
I planned on waiting until my kids were grown and out on their own, they are and I'm still here with my husband. Thing is,the longer you stay the harder it is to leave,they strip you of any self esteem you had, my confidence is zero thinking I can never make it on my own . I'm working with a therapist trying to build me up and prepare me to leave, I know I need to but I'm afraid. If you have loved ones around you,family and friends you can trust I advise you to reach out and let them help you to get away. They will never change,they don't know how to love,it is such a sad way to live. I wish you and your little ones the very best.♥︎. ***@iamhereok
@@jeanroth159 thank you for the advice. Right now I have emotionally detached myself from him , and I have made him clear that I am staying only for kids . The moment he crosses boundaries I am out.
Wish I would have found this years ago.. I thought I was going crazy. I really needed to hear this. Thank you
You have educated me so much. My words can never describe how much the knowledge I've acquired through your channel means to me. Thank you!
I agree!! ❤
Same!
True
Thank you , me too 🌟👍
🌈🦕👍
Wow! Sooooo accurate! I finally saw my own worth, left, blocked them from any possible love bombing. I feel so calm now and love my life. I am still working on me and will take a lot of time before trying to meet anyone else. I’m enjoying my family, my friends, my life.
Me, too…right now! Big smiles! What a relief!
I am so thank for you .. Between you and my faith. I've been so lonely lately and it led me to start dating. Now I saw the light I am need to stay solo . I was married to the king of all the Narcissist who pass away . Now I learned that I need to expect that. I am loving me and enjoying my own company 💘. Sending love to all
Sending you love and hugs as well. You will be alright I promise, I love my own company but balance that out with being around good people, I don't allow negativity and set boundaries for myself and for my happiness. Look after yourself the best you can, stay healthy and well, have goals and dreams for yourself, do something for others, join groups that interest you if you like, cook and garden and walk in nature, laugh often, love your solitude and give yourself more hugs and be proud of yourself and what you've come through, take care my friend from afar💐💐♥️
@@annetaylor7496 Thank you for your thoughtful response. Take heed Piglet Cookie.....success.
♥️
The narcissist I know summed it up for us this morning when he called me. It was in response to what happened yesterday, when he said that if I didn't take him where he "wanted" (not needed) to go, he would get on a bus and go there. This man fell three weeks ago at a mall, and fractured his hip in two places. The hip already had an implant done, and before that, he had a pin in his hip that failed. Through all that, I took him places (no charge) - doctors, hospital, shopping, etc. The doctors and nurses said it would be 8 weeks before he could resume normal activity. He is also bipolar. Yesterday I told him that his actions of disobeying doctor's orders and taking buses around town with a fractured hip impacts others who have to help him, if something else should happen to him as a consequence. He denied anyone does anything for him. This morning, he announced he was at the bus stop, and that yesterday, he didn't want my opinion, just my help (which he didn't ask for - he just baited me by telling me he would catch a bus if I didn't take him). Then he hung up. And that, dear friends, is what it's about. They do NOT care what you think unless it serves them. Period. And it does not change. They will bait you to help them, become so nicey-nice when they want something from you, and the SECOND they don't need you to serve them, they turn the guns on you like you don't exist, or are simply an annoyance. I don't need to be needed. And they prey on those who do. I've seen these couples where one is servant to the narcissist. They are like slaves who seem to be under some spell. Weird.
You are not responsible for him. Just remember that. They are very quick to guilt-trip you and if you continue to fall for it they will continue to do it. Bottom line- you are damned if you do and damned if you don’t. There is no winning with them. Take care of yourself.
"I've seen these couples where one is servant to the narcissist. They are like slaves who seem to be under some spell". Absolutely true! That's who my father-in-law is to my mother-in-law! It's one of the most bizarre things to witness, because the narcissist don't even ask nicely, they demand in the most bossy, condescending tone! And the spouse obey with their head bowed down! It is truly sinister!
I´d guess leave him be. He´ll just keep blackmailing you. If he doesn´t care about his health, you shouldn´t care either. Stop putting good for everyone else ahead of your own. You NEED to be there for yourself first and only help others, when you are fully healed, have free time and resources to do it.
Man, that's the most flagrant, overt emotional blackmail I've ever heard about :( I hope you can get far far away from this person, soon.
You did your best! Your karma is sound! Cheers!
Treat a narcissist the same way you want to be treated by them... not at all... you don't want to see them, know them, hear their voice. so you make sure you are always busy and have no time to indulge their abuse. being your own person puts them off and once their gaslighting burns out they are in the dark. They will shun you and that is good for you.
I'm really getting so much out of these compilation videos for two reasons. Firstly, they help me catch up on those I've missed; secondly, the way they are assembled it helps me to make contextual connections so the quality of the learning is deepened. Dr. Ramani isn't just good at knowing her stuff. She's an astounding teacher.
So true. I’ve been asking “ why” - to myself , not to the narcissist….
10 years no contact with a sibling and thank goodness I’m continuing watching your videos- her attempts to pull me started again…your sessions are priceless… indifference I love that word absolutely love it
This video just shows how much Dr Ramani is a true professional and so wants to help all narc survivors. Thanks so much doc!
Oh it’s FUN to call them out! If you’re prepared for the rage and ranting and LAUGH in their face while they implode it’s very empowering. You don’t call them out to change them. You call them out to show them you’re not afraid of them. I move on to, “that’s such a narcissistic bs thing to say.” Who gives a flip how THEY feel…they sure don’t care how I feel. Let them go off. As long as you don’t care about them it’s quite a release. I have called out more than a dozen. When their rage doesn’t destroy you they leave you alone. They do not like to be outed or shamed. They are both attracted to and repelled by empaths. It’s not something everyone can do, nor should you try. Laughing at them and ignoring them is the fastest way I’ve found to move these losers along.
I tried that it only escalated more.
That can be very dangerous for some though, depending on how crazy the narc is ya know. But yes it is quite empowering to call them out when u speak the truth.
They probably did not have access to your support group. That's why you could survive. Else narcs are great manipulators, they turn your support system against you.
Depends on your situation. If they break all your stuff, one by one, behind your back, it can become an expensive problem. The other thing is physical violence esp when they work for the armed forces and or security and own a weapon.
Dr Ramani, you opened my eyes to my Narc husband. I had no idea what was going on. Now I do. But I have become very isolated from every person. Its very lonely and Im stuck. I fear life now. Thank you Dr. Ramani for all your videos.
I encourage you to take steps, even if slowly and small steps, to get out and engage with others once in awhile. Meet someone for coffee, go see a movie. Go do something quiet z& calming like a walk in the park with someone you feel safe with. Also would encourage you to begin watching videos on self care AND on rebuilding your self esteem, doing things each day to show care to yourself and remind yourself that you ARE a unique, valuable, incredible person!! Begin doing self affirmations each day!! Good luck on your journey! ❤
@@loribakergirl6438 Thanks for your helpful comment. I am in the same situation. I knew something was wrong but I discovered 2 days ago with Dr. Ramani's video that my husband is a covert narc.
I noticed that you wrote this comment 6 months ago. I hope you are doing well, now.
@@TM-hd1rn I’m glad they were of some help and I’m sorry to hear about the situation you’re in. Strongly encourage you to do things to proactively take really good care of yourself. Learn as much as you can about narcissism and how they operate, what they do. This will help you greatly in understanding the games and help you watch rather than get engaged in their battles. Be careful in your steps and what I mean here is that personally I think it’s far better to understand on your own (without confronting themas that can be dangerous). Then make your own decisions on if you want to continue on or make a plan to get out. Learn all you can and be careful and protect yourself and your self worth.❤️
@@loribakergirl6438 thanks you
thanks for the great video!
I had 4 years with my best friend who was a narcissist. I ended up in a 2 year heavy depression. Always arguing, while she always tried to 'help' me by pointing out everything I should do different and every little thing I did wrong in her opinion. It tool me a month of clinical therapy treatment and then starting to pull back slowly and trying to get my life back on track, going back to my studies and she got more pissed and with me, raging at me for not answering her when I told her 'I have classes now, we can talk after my school is done for today.' She accused me of gaslighting her and giving her the silent treatment and that I only did it to push her into taking the blame. She also ALWAYS critized or belittled my Art (I am an Art student) in a way that was nothing but personal 'why do you draw in that style, why do you have to use these colors... I don't like it.' It was half a year from me being in a clinic to the point where I finally had enough and called her out.
It was the last time I practically heard from her. She dropped me without another word. (after telling me the day before that she really didn't want to loose our friendship and how much I mean to her.) But I think she knew, that she would never get me back to the point where was her constant sustain for adoration, empathy, narcissistic suply and a punching bag to always take the blame. So I wasn't worth anything anymore.
And that's probably the best outcome you can expect from calling them out. It's been now almost a year since then and even though I know that rather than loosing a friend I actually gained my freedom back, I still struggle and sometimes I even miss the good moments we had. But it's just not worth it.
choose your self only👍🔥
In return, you found out how precious you are! All the best for your art 🙂
@@earthrooster1969 thanks so much. That is true.
'rather than loosing a friend I gained my freedom back' WORD
I've found that the best way to deal with a narcissist is to give answers of "yes, no, I don't know, whatever," or say nothing at all. My sister will then say anything and everything that she can to try to upset me, but I simply walk away. I pray for her daily.
Yes, they try to trigger and bait … to get us to bite and get angry with them so they can then flip the script and they can be the victim.
Thank you for sharing this, "Not to call out a narcissistic person." I previously watched another video on how to get revenge on a narcissistic person. When I was reflecting on the video, I recalled what the Godly way that you should treat others. Then, I came across your video that makes so much more logical and emotional ways to not call out a narcissistic person and why not to reveal to others that that person is a narcissist. Thank you so much for your knowledge and for sharing this information.
I saw one like that other video too... how to get revenge... I almost watched it but then was like nah, I don't even want revenge anymore. They don't exist in my life, and I don't want them to do that's too much energy for anything to do with them. I'm beginning to not care anymore. This is how I know I've grown so much!
@@stephy369 me too but since they are family I have to see them and so will treat them with cordiality and due respect that Jesus asks me to give to any and all. p.s. The way I got my brother off of me was to call him out only so slightly on one or two things. Once he understood I might expose him, he lost interest in playing his mean games with me and went to others to see if they were so easy and gullible as I was.
I can't thank Dr Ramani enough. She brings such easy to understand knowledge and sensible education on narcissism that really helps me cope with this crazy situation I found myself in. I feel crazy, but know im really not! Thank you 🙏
I agree with you 💯 %!
I called my son ex narcissist every name by exactly what she is via text and voice messages. She took me to court but didn't have the guts to show the judge anything.so she lost, and the disruption she created in our lives can never be repaired financially emotionally she is evil.
Dr. Ramani's video is a guide for the narcissists' victims. Better understanding will help the victim navigate their way around their narcs.
My ex watches Dr. Ramani‘s videos to refine her playbook.
About the question "Why?" My ex, who tried to use me as his personal always available psychotherapist, several times asked ME why he was doing or saying the thing he did or said. He was more clueless about his own motivations than I was.
I also wonder: How can we grown-ups best help a child that asks "Why?" when their parent behaves like a narc ass? I told the child in question that his dad had some dysfunction in his brain, and that nothing his dad did was ever the child's fault. But that didn't feel suffcient.
Adding: I also told the child that his dad loves him, although dad's a weirdo. Because of my own experiences as a child, I do not at all believe in pretending like "nothing happened" and "never say bad things about the narc parent" etc, because I know that would be gaslighting the child. The child can clearly see that dad's behavior is totally off, obviously, since he was asking about it, so tell the truth, that's how I feel. But I wish there were better guidance for situations when children whiteness narcissistic behavior!
I wish you were my mom! I’m sure you hear that all of the time. You’re so helpful and supportive to narc abuse survivors. Thank you !
Last year, I made the mistake of calling out my Dad. I had no idea he was a narcissist until all this month benge watching youtubes. Now, I understand that all he did to me was every thing you discuss. I thought my Dad loved me and learned in one second flat that I was painfully cut out of my entire family's lives. I never dreamed my Dad could treat me this way. He has not spoken to me in over 1 year now. All I could say was, What just happened to me? Why? Now I clearly understand the ways my Dad was always de-valuing his 5 children, gaslighting, giving we as children no rights for boundaries, and all these new words, which I am learning. It is all so spot on as to how my Dad treated me all my life. The part I am greatful for, is understanding how to protect myself. For the first time, I see what is going on. Thankyou. I guess it was for the best, that my Dad left my life from my ONE misconduct from me. How dare I call him out to be real with me and my siblings. I sure learned the hard way. No Dad in my life now and cut iut if his WILL. But I have finally found peace with it.
I once asked “have I ever done you like that? Why would you do that? “. He actually looked straight faced and said “I don’t know “
The difference in empathy abilities...
Interesting synchronicity, yesterday, a bus driver of all people, began a
rant/sermon about “you can’t fight what someone else is fightin”.
I was absolutely struck by the profoundness of this.
As I got off the bus, I said thank you for your wisdom.
And the lovely African American woman said Oh yeah honey, growing up, my grandmother would drill this into us all the time.
We tend to really “get” these lessons when there’s a unusual or significant coincidence.
I think this one is finally gonna sink in.
I didn't know he was a narcissist until long after the divorce. All I Knew was that the only time I got him to go to counseling, he managed to get the counselor to give ME homework, not him. He frequently told me that the only problem he had was me. I tell you, it took me 20 years to get past all of that, the same amount of time I had been with him.
I don't regret calling her out...
I didn't use the word narcissist though
Paid for it...of course...but it was worth it...
The truth comes out ...no matter what...
Everybody sees it now...
And feel guilty about not listening to me...
nothing to be happy about...
It's sad... It is what it is
I've left the entire family...
I'm glad I did everything I could to protect and warn everyone...
I'm done🙌🏼...
Focusing on the family I chose😊
I asked why so many times. The final time he looked at me and said "I know you think this is all on purpose and planned and intentional, but the truth is I don't. The truth is I'm just not that deep." Honestly it was the most unnerving thing I have heard him say. And I think the most honesty I have ever gotten. I think it's toddler level. I want therefore I take type processing.
Brilliant! Just awesome:
‘I want. Therefore, I take.’
My new mantra as I open the next email where he refuses to pay for x or help with y. Well done!🙏😊
@@serenaw2425 I love it too 😍
Toddler level is right. I heard another therapist describe ‘narcissistic wounding’ they reckon occurs in the infancy of these people that creates the emptiness, lack of self awareness, lack of identity. The hole they need to fill by making others suffer. They are like babies.
Dr. Ramani, you are a beacon of light in my Sea of Sorrow. Thanks, again!!
After binge watching some of your videos I had to apologize to my husband. I was raised by a narcissist mother. I realized in the past I had a lot of the traits, not to the extreme, and tried to work on them, but still. Now I'm dealing with a narcissist brother, the baby. Everything you say is spot on! I have started a "chill pill" as I call it, and have changed my ways. Thank you!
Same but my dad was the delibrately badass narcasistic one .
I honor your efforts at not replicating what was done to you. Helps me. Inspiring.
Beautiful and rare.
One thing that bothers me a lot lately is having to deal with a constant feeling of being judged on an incomplete, unrealistic and highly subjective basis.
The lack of empathy makes it impossible to bring across the reasons for other people’s behaviour and reactions to all the unbearably disrespectful behaviour.
What a massive challenge this is…
These people are hopeless. I just remove them from my life. You'll never convince them of what they are because they are perfect and they know everything.
OMW! When you said "because they can" I immediately recognized that this is precísely what my narcissistic husband gave as his "explanation" as to why he cheats, lies, steals all the time, "Because I can"
I have also wasted away my life on the idea planted in my subconscious that all people are good, have good intentions and the Fantasy Stories told by many MANY, of how all love stories ends in "..and they lived happily ever after". It is indeed a whole lot of crap. My life is gone. I am 51 years of age and was deliberately robbed of more than 34 years if my life. Now, when you know you are being attacked, that's an entirely different story. The narcissist however, is not a decent enough human being to let you know that you are in a warzone with thém. Pretty demonic I would say.
After all the years it has been established that he has been the golden, rotten spoilt child, who gets all they want, when and when he wants.
it's also sad. They are so lacking in self esteem that they will do anything to bolster themselves up on the emotional corpses of other people. Sadly, those corpses are usually us.
I got to the point in my relationship where I was recording conversations where he would yell at me, because he would say such awful things and then the next day tell me it never happened. I played him one of those recordings, as reason for why I was not returning after I finally got free, and he called me a weirdo and tried to convince me what I heard him say, and he heard himself say to me was not correct. I figured it no longer mattered to him what my reasons for not returning are, I know and that is enough. Peace of mind is better than hoping they understand