@@kiv_daniels You LOVE it? It's one thing to feel relieved, but if you actually love it, that speaks volumes about you, and nothing good. You're saying you LOVE experiencing a symptom of the relationship being dead. And your use of "they" tells us you've put yourself in that place several times. That tells us you enjoy the fight, that you feel empowered by a moment where you should be heartbroken. Sounds like there was someone in your past you didn't stand up to, and now you see fights with your SO as your opportunity to stand up THIS TIME, to get it right THIS TIME. Very toxic. You aren't ever going to be in a good or healthy relationship until you confront the truth of this issue.
My ex gave me the silent treatment for 4 hours on a road trip once. When I gave in and apologized, he screamed at me and said “F**k your apology” and made us go through a whole cycle of fighting 🙄 I’ve been out of the relationship for 10 months which has been hard, but my life is so much more peaceful now
I hate that I can relate to this. I am fresh out of the cycle of abuse and chipping away at the trauma bond as I heal the wounded parts of myself that allowed me to accept such nasty behavior.
@@Alize.W I’m so sorry…it’s so painful, but I promise it really does get easier with time. I still have moments where I feel the trauma bond and I really miss him but I am so much better than I was when I first left.
Primary drivers behind "silent treatment": 1. Stonewalling 2. Gaslighting 3. Lack of emotional skills 4. Dysregulation of emotions 5. Victimhood 》The Narcissist is behaving like a child, thats not getting what it wants (the childish tantrum) 》The key: Do not give in to break the silence with a Narcissist 》Silent Treatment = big red flag very unhealthy
@DoctorRamani Dr "Mom" Ramani... you gave me the courage and knowledge I needed to leave my 15 year marriage to a covert narc (we have 2 kids I took with me, too). Thank you doesn't begin to cover it. You are empowering people to rise up out of abusive situations and thrive. 🥰
I felt like a non-person, a shadow in my own home. My ex NEVER talked - everything was perceived as an insult or slight towards him. I walked on eggshells, and it was horrible. He started coming home from work later and later and honestly I was relieved that he wasn't in the home. Each night when he got home, it was like a cold front rolling in... I finally left him in 2016. The first night I spent in my own apartment was the best night's sleep I had in YEARS. I feel like I've aged in reverse since then - gaining pieces of ME that I thought were lost over the years. I haven't spoken to him in a very long time... and it's BLISS. Stay hopeful, friends.
Alex... I feel like I'm dead with my family. They ignore me when I interact with them. I'll say out loud, have I died? When did I die? I can't believe I'm dead? I'm 100% invisible in my family. Narcs are so so boring and time wasters.
@@GlobalFreeLiving sounds like they're waiting for your disaster. Maybe they've all predicted your failure and it hasn't happened. Some of them will wait for decades just to tell you I told you so!
The staying hopeful part. During separation and divorce I moved to my home State to heal. I couldn't see ever getting over the pain of not being near my two daughters to love and protect them. People constantly told me it will get better but I couldn't see it at the time some of the worst pain I've ever felt. Over the past 12 years it has improved not perfect but tolerable. This is the damage narcissists do. It's real and one of my daughters still doesn't talk to me. Turns out she was the one her mother neglected the most and I guess you could say she's financially dependent because after her sister's marriage she couldn't afford to live alone. Her toxic ass mother sells the house and moves in with her. Back then she and I talked freely and honestly but gradually it came to the point of blame sarcasm insults and finally silent treatment. It's shameful to relate.
The part where you felt like a million pounds was taken off your shoulders or that you could sleep I experienced that too. The day I finally left it gotten so confusing I didn't even take a toothbrush. As I drove about a 3-hour trip, I literally noticed the relief. It was that immediate but just the beginning of a process. Even then I still didn't understand how cruel 19 years of violence from the X was because I didn't realize that verbal emotional mental psychological abuse even existed. She was a Master. Looking back it started from the very beginning I just couldn't see it but my intuition was never wrong I just didn't understand it. You would think you were the only person on this planet that could go through something so dark and confusing. So evil but thanks to people sharing their experiences we can gain our sanity back. Our free moral agency. How many times did people tell us we were too sensitive or that we were overthinking things? Turns out we weren't too sensitive and we weren't overthinking and if it wasn't for podcasts like these and people chiming in we would have to settle for their judgments even though we don't deal with them anymore. You want to talk about closure? It's right here. These podcasts are where all the missing tiny pieces to the puzzle can be found. Thanks everyone
One more detail about speaking to the individual It came to the point where I suggested email if there just had to be communication. That's where I learned she needed the power of being able to immediately degrade gas light and insult an email would leave proof of that so I never received a single email and I haven't spoken with her in years.
The silent treatment was used time and again by my x narc partner. It occurred after questioning super shady behaviours or asking him what’s going in other shady ways. His other response was RAGE that was terrifying . Rooms getting ripped apart, eyes bulging, arms flailing, swearing at me etc. I went NO contact a year ago after watching your videos . Right now im sitting quietly listening to the rain. I’m so free and happy. You gave me my life back. God bless you.
We don't dare question their need to punish us ever or report their punishing behavior to anyone without us having both scientific evidence that the violence happened and another witness with us verifying about how such terrible punishments were being done to us for nothing.
I’m so proud of you, & what you did to get out of such a tough, & hurtful situation w/one you loved. You are correct, even the snow & the rain looks & feels different without that constant “eggshell feeling” hanging over our heads. It’s so beautiful to finally experience & appreciate our peace. Bless you going forward. Good job!!
Oh how WONDERFUL!! I am so so happy for you dear soul🙏 I have had insane experiences w/a few, one was sister, finally quit talking to her and I Feel Free (er!) Good for you!! Dr Ramani is so tOtally right on, I LOVE her💋😆! On your mark, get set, glow/grow😆👏🙏 Be blessed🤗
The silent treatment is your best opportunity to exit stage left and get away from the narcissist. Be smart, take the gift they are giving you and pay it back with your absence. ✨
EXACTLY!! THAT is exactly how I responded to.."it's a blessing.." Indeed it is! Alone is what she wanted. Alone is what she GOT! Now, she's living with the fact that she ruined something good. She's already regretting it and I've already dodged a few "hoovers". She just refuses to admit that "old faithful" ain't comin' back this time! The warnings are done and as I told her: "you'll miss me when I'm gone cuz there ain't another guy on this planet that's us patient and forgiving as I am!" That proved to be true with the "new supply" - which didn't work out like she planned. Because of videos like this, I was prepared to stand my ground and when she leaned in to try and kiss me, she was met with a "don't even try it." Of course, she tried to "take credit" by responding with: "I wasn't asking you to come back." Bitch..you don't get to! And, that was that. Her own mom calls me cuz they don't know what to do with her either. Her mom still thinks it's something she did and I keep having to refer her to these videos and keep telling her that "it's not about you or me. It's about manipulation to get what she (my ex) wants!
People have tried the silent treatment with me. But what they don't realize is that I stop caring about them very quickly when they pull crap like this. And then get all upset with you when you play their game.
Once you stop "playing their game", and perhaps be done, it feels so good And, to me, I feel like the people that enable, are F ing everyone including selves Have some integrity? Stand up for people being abused?
My childhood was spent with my mom who would give me the silent treatment….without warning and very arbitrarily. I was always anxious and walking on egg shells.I was constantly scanning my actions to see what I could have possibly done wrong. It made life hell. After 54 years I finally found Dr. Ramani and pulled myself out of all these crazy relationships. Thank you, Dr. Ramani!🙏
I know how you feel. My mum did this if I did something that I was passionate about and brought me joy and she did not approve. Everytime she does it, I do it back. Once lasted 2 weeks. It was bliss. It was her flying monkeys that were hell.
Same here. As a kid it was a miserable existence having a mother like this. As an adult I pulled away and find out that life wasn’t so miserable. Now I’m finding out I’m having to do the same with a sibling with the same characteristics as the mother. Again, having endured her narcissistic behavior for many years but from a distance since she lives out of state, it has become unbearable dealing with her and her tantrums in dealing with our parents estate .
I got the silent treatment from my father but not really on and off, just on. He died when I was 17 and what fallowed was the best year of my life, just blossoming, developing and feeling. I still look back to that year to try to tap into that pure energy. The silent treatment was a horrible experience, mutilating. I've had the shitshow reenacted by my brother.
"Their disrespect is manifested as manipulation." This became clear to me when I was called an ineffective loser who couldn't get anything done - because I waited my turn and did not manipulate others to get more than my share or jump in line. The most outrageous was when the narc said my unwillingness to "break laws" to benefit my Dad was proof that I didn't love him as much as they did - although the law breaking they wanted to do was install hidden cameras in his assisted living center to try gain intel on the staff. My working with the staff instead of having an antagonistic relationship with them was then called proof that I cared more about the staff than my own father. Sometimes when you write out this manipulative statements, the illogic and manipulation becomes much clearer than just listening to them, when you can just feel like you are drowning under the sheer volume of their criticisms, complaints and self aggrandizement.
I’m sorry for what you are going through Sounds like no matter what you do to please these people they’ll never be satisfied, but only because they’re miserable. Unfortunately in this case misery loves company so try not to let them take you’re joy. Keep shining and stick to you’re good morals 😊 Be interesting to place a hidden camera on them instead of the staff 😅
Dr. Ramani, I think via youtube you are helping a lot of middle-aged men like myself who would not usually seek therapy, realise where a wound has been all this time, or that is existed at all; allowing for healing to actually happen in many people either too stubborn or shy to speak to someone, or without the funds to. Sending much gratitude.
@@tablescissors Oh dear! Yes, youtube would have been helpful for them it sounds. I meant men who have been abused themselves and face the stigma all men do with therapy. Men who have been abused by women face a bigger stigma; We are meant to be the strong ones, even in the face of emotional abuse.
@@danupnorth6607 men do have it worse..... Women being physically weaker and typically the abused tend to get more understanding and even legal intervention than men....... Men are generally taught not to harm women and to respect and protect us.....a woman who uses that against you is atrocious at best...
Life is too short for that. Remaining in this type of toxicity will take a huge toll on our health. If they aren't willing to get into therapy, the only solution is getting out and getting into therapy ourselves to learn how to identify these behaviors and avoid them. Thank you, Dr. Ramani!
This was one of my ex's most consistent behaviors. We went to marriage counseling where the therapist told us our communication was too toxic to continue since it was not positive, so he recommended we have very limited verbal interaction daily to put the brakes on it. This was horrible advice since my husband LIKED to use the silent treatment to punish and manipulate me. He actually told me that the silent treatment was the only way he could teach me a lesson. Anyone who uses silence as a way to interact as a means to express their anger, dissatisfaction or disapproval is a lost cause. DUMP THEM!
She is spot on about the neglectful narc. This is so on point. It used to bother me but I got to the point where I was glad when he didn't because when he did it was only when he wanted/needed something other than that, I was invisible. So I stopped engaging and didn't feel bad about it at all.
Also was with a Neglectful narc. So being ignored was almost the norm. Still, his deliberate silent treatment was/ is quite painful. Particularly when he let's me know that it's ( of course) because of " something " I've done.
😳In my experience Telling someone they’re gaslighting you, and explaining HOW they’re gaslighting CAN stop the gaslighting, IF they didn’t realize that’s the pattern they’ve learned in childhood. ➖HOWEVER, if the gaslighter is a narcissist, they won’t change, they won’t apologize, and more gaslighting will come. ➖Thank you for the info. It’s eye opening.
I had the silent treatment all through my 40 + years with my husband. Never new or understood what a narcissist was until very recently, and finding Dr. Ramani's videos has been a god send and explains so much. Thank you Dr. Ramani!❤
Thank you, Dr. Ramani. I'm finally able to cut people off when they exhibit bad toxic behaviors. I no longer ruminate on if they are diagnosed, or if I'm being mean. I'm tired of being the one waiting for people to get it together. I'm tired of being the ear, shoulder and lending a hand and then those people bite back and shock me. Most of the people I know are 30+. They have the responsibility to get it together on their own. I went to counseling and still do when I need help or need a perspective. They need to put in work too. I'm being selfish and taking care of myself and my daughter and I don't have to feel guilty about that. Thank you.
I just recently learned that it’s not mean to say no. It’s so freeing. Before it was so confusing why I had to always say yes and just couldn’t say no, while narcissists never say yes unless it’s a trade that’s hugely in their favor. They are so good at complicating things and keeping you on your toes. I am seeing them now though!
Thank you for this. I’m right in the middle of a 2 month silent treatment from my NM. I’m 57. I only learned about narcissistic people and that both mother and step father are ones in the last 4 years. It was a revelation. It has been a self healing journey w the help of course from people like yourself. It’s the first time in my life I’ve not felt guilty or stressed over the silent treatment. It’s such a positive force in my life. I’m holding strong. I’m living my life and not giving up my tears or worry for someone who has none for me. I am learning so much from you. It’s changed my life. I thank you so much.
The narcissist was the only person to really rave about my cooking, and practically the only person in over 20 years that I've shared my cooking with. Flattery got him everywhere. Today I cook for myself and don't have to clench my teeth in anger. Thank you, Dr. Ramani.
It's really hard when they use those personal points of validation to sink their hooks in, but there's so many others who are going to love your cooking, put yourself out there I encourage you to throw a banquet or do something to get some other people talking about your food❤
This was what my ex’s have used against me constantly and now I’m terrified and triggered when I’m having any heated discussion and the person stops talking The last ex baited me and gaslit me so that when they did something to me and i got justifiably angry they could go “omg you’re so psycho why don’t you just calm down” It almost got me to the point of suicide because i felt so defeated and confused and for months after I could barely even make a cohesive decision because I felt like everything would make my life worse so my whole body shut down Its only been in the past two months through my DBT therapy research, my psychologist, my family, and your videos validating my horrific narcissistic abuse that has gotten me into a routine for my life and my two baby kitty cats. Thank you for being the voice of a far too large group of abuse survivors
@Maddie Wilson... Wow, Do I ever relate to your comment about how your ex would gaslight you to the point of you being so upset you said something you didn't mean, leaving him able to say "see I knew you were crazy"! Believe it or not my adult daughter did this to me all the time. However I never took the bait until March 2020. I sent a harshly worded TEXT message and she hasn't spoken to me since! The awful part about that is she stopped letting me see my granddaughter too! Then in November 2020, my daughter gave birth to another baby, my grandson. I've NEVER met him. Never! Then just last December 2021 she had a baby girl. And, you guessed it. I've never met her either! 3 grandbabies that she has willfully kept away from a grandmother that loves them with all of my heart. Even the babies I've never met. I've begged my daughter to forgive me, not directly, she refuses to speak to me to work this out. All she ever said "in a text" when this all happened in 2020,was "you need to get help". And BOOM. I was shut out.
@@cheypam that sounds so frustrating and cruel :( my mums dad did a similar thing to her and so even though he lives like an hour away weve never met him and my oldest sister is like 28 I hope she manages to get to a place where she feels comfortable letting you meet them some time soon
Also @DoctorRamani I think a great new term I thought of - “Active Consensual Touch” could be really helpful in the conversation about consent/boundaries and play!
My husband would always give me the silent treatment after yelling at me if I didn’t agree with him on anything. Now that I left , I’m giving the silent treatment and it’s hard. I’m on the road to healing from emotional abuse and I listen to Dr Ramani… don’t explain, don’t engage, don’t defend.
My mom use to use the silent treatment until I would apologize for whatever she was upset about. After dealing with it my whole life I have decided to just cut her off I’m exhausted from the whole relationship and everything that comes with it it’s just not worth it
My Mama was like that and more. Being the second born of 10 I suffered from not having a bond with her. I left her at 17 and lived my life but always missed that mother/daughter bond I yearned for. When I married and had my first child, she was having my youngest brother and so the 2 boys grew up together and I got to bond with my Mother FINALLY. It wasn't all roses---life never is, but neither my dad nor my mom ever apologized for the abuse and negativity we endured growing up. Just going through the life I lived has taught me SO much of grace and mercy. Life is as beautiful as your mind makes it up to be. I ended up married to a covert controlling narc and I see so much of my parents in him. It's just the way they are, you can't change people like that, you can only either endure or get away. I am just recently learning all this and the pieces of my life's puzzle are just finally making sense to me. I am a "married once" type of person. My husband divorced me about 12 years ago over a power struggle (he got mad because he crossed a boundary and I didn't give in). We got back together just as the divorce finalized and I mentioned we need to get remarried and he said not till I can prove I can be "good" for 10 years!!! I have of course realized I will only marry once and that it's HIM that needed to show he can be good and he just can't be that steady guy. He is a covert narc that delights in power and manipulation, gives the silent treatment because he wants more power, says very inappropriate things even about our own adult children (he and I have 2, neither have any other children outside our marriage). I learned almost 3 years ago why he acts the way he does and the name of the disorder. But life still goes on and we are to make the best of it.
I relate to that one☝️I realised I was dealing with a very immature person, I thought here we go again, we’re going into the sulking mode. I’d ignore it, but it still hurt it was so unnecessary. But that’s the narcissistic, thanks Dr Ramani.
@@wendyhannan2454 even though you know you are better than that, it still gets to you doesn't it. Mind you this man was a person that everyone loved, got the Queens medal for outstanding duties to his service. He use to tell people lies about me if they were his friends and they started to get on well with me. It's so horrible when everyone loves him and say he is "One of nature's gentlemen" He is evil. 😪
Dr. Ramani I just wanna say that your channel has helped me a tremendous amount when learning about narcissism, you make me understand my mother and the things she does. Instead of fighting back with her I come to your channel to reflect on the actions. No longer wanting to engage with her to continue the cycle.
I feel like I'm the "crazy" abusive one. The audacity. Recently experienced the enablers and the shamelessness, the cruelty of the aging -- well, now very much elderly narcissist. I've also seen that it's not just me. Still, no accountability, no remorse, ostentatious flailing and 'behind the scenes' bigotry. I was raised into a dynamic like this and now, at 40 re-experienced it over and over again, ad nauseum. I got literally sick. I gaslight myself often. I isolate myself because i don't know if i have the wherewithal to grey rock for the millionth time. After a decade, life interrupted by pathological malignant narcissist parents, believing them. I am doing what i can to get out of here. Truly go no contact. It took a long time to get back to a place where I feel like that same horrified 7 year old, so... i pathlogized myself, pre rejected myself, didn't say anything. Once i did, stonewalling, silent treatment, withholding of information ... after wanting to be in contact *all the time* .... Like you say, doing the deep dive, and trying to tame the toxic inner critic (parent) that invalidate or poo-poo on my very real efforts. Thank you for being part of my day everyday, with your videos, and, just the way you deliver the message.
21 days of the silent treatment before I fled one night when he was gone to work. 31 years of that kind of treatment and worse, which helped me make the final decision to put an end to it.
Wow! The Narcissist’s Playbook is a legit thing. I found myself in some of the very situations she described. So grateful that we essentially get the silent treatment for 3-6 months at a time & haven’t had to deal with him any more than a few text messages a year. Grateful for the opportunity to stretch & grow though, I wouldn’t be the person I am today without that transformational experience.
I use silent treatment against the narc because it drives him nuts. I on the other hand love silence. Give me a blanket and some books and I won't talk for days. Better than wasting my breath trying to communicate with a narc. Why spend my time arguing pointlessly just to give him a buzz. Whenever he is silent it's heaven.
Silent treatment for a year while I was pregnant. I told him to leave when my son was 5 mos old. We had to be separated for a year before we could divorce during which he was online seeking his next wife and refusing to go to counseling. After we divorced I had to give him a ride somewhere and he had the nerve to tell me he felt guilty as if he was hoping I would say something soothing like “Oh it’s ok, don’t worry about it.” Guess was he got: THE SILENT TREATMENT!!!!!
You consistently nail word for word my upbringing. Both of my parents are narcissists and exhibit everything you talk about. Specifically the growing up and not knowing who you are. Every move, every thought is second guessed because of this. Leading you into the sense of not knowing who you are. I finally took a stand last year and we haven’t spoken since. The personal growth I’ve experienced over this time the biggest leap in my lifetime.
Now you can do all of the personal growth that was stunted because of them; go grow, shine, find your light within yourself that's always been there. They don't deserve you.
Oh you are ringing all my bells this morning. I finally told myself that I was on holiday and from then on did not take the blame for whatever was going on. I wondered for years if this was abusive but could never find any information on it. Playing on the vulnerable places! This work is making my grief work so much more endurable. Thank you so much for this healing program. You have no idea how much it has been helping me to recover not only from a long marriage with narcissism but also dealing with his death. Resolution was not possible with him living. So sad.
My husband is a master of the silent treatment. Unfortunately, over the years I've been the "enabler" by bringing the relationship back to what I thought was homeostasis. A few months ago, I decided not to, and boy am I "paying the price," or so he thinks. He'll talk pleasantly to me IF I initiate any verbal communication; but if I don't, he's as sullen as the grave. I'll greet him after he comes home, normally. But if I'm busy and don't say anything, he barely even looks at me. How childish is that! It has taken a toll though on my health, both physically and emotionally. It is indeed a spiritual battle. I have been once again trying to eat right (boo to sugar and grains--lol) and do some easy exercises. But, yeah, I'd like to get away if I can...think about it most of the time. I have three dependent teenagers so it's a little trickier financially. Oh, also, very strange now: he sleeps with his head at the foot of the bed. He said I gave him a cold once after he told me to wash my hair every day and I didn't. My hair was long at the time, so it was a big deal to wash it every day. He's very covid-conscious and punishes anyone who doesn't comply with his strict procedures (even though he himself doesn't --he'll leave his face shield on the dining room table.)🙄
It's my mom and brother for me. I'm also an extremely sensitive Empath. I'm only about a year and a half "awakened". You're spot on with all of it !!! Up until maybe 3 years ago, I barely knew what a narcissist or Empath even was. I definitely had no idea how bad my mom and brother really are. Long story, but I was diagnosed with extreme depression in November of 2018. I am to live with my mom to try and sort things out and get moving again. My brother was actually staying here at the time, and he's an extreme narrcisist. He started right out of the gate, the day I moved in. We all had to deal with the lockdowns and all of that, but they both had me believing I was this horrible person...all the usual stuff. Now that I'm well aware, and standing firm in my boundaries, they don't like it at all. Especially my "brother". There have been several altercations since I've really began pushing back. He actually physically attacked me one day after my aunt passed away last year. Long winded I know, but I am making it through armed with information thanks to you and others out there helping to educate people about this. I'm not doctor, but I am looking for ways to help as well. If you'd like, I can send you more details on my situation and what I've been doing to get through it. If will help even one person cope with a similar situation, I'm happy 🙂 Thank You for fighting the good fight. Greatly appreciated.
@@soniahathaway1 It's unreal. It's almost tougher know and understanding. Especially when you realize how deep it goes and how long it's been going on. They even got my kids to a large degree. Admitting that to myself is one of the toughest thing I've ever had to accept.
@@msmanager2775 Thank you. Working on it. No contact will happen very soon. I don't think I've ever been at 100% my whole adult life. I do have a lot of rather significant accomplishment even living like this for all these years. I can't wait to see what I can do once I'm out for good.
Dr. Ramani describing the silent treatment is describing my life right now. I would add though that when she responds to my questions about family matters that she purposefully avoided sharing with me, she answers with a tone of contempt that implies that I should have known.
Dr ramani, Your words always resonate so much. I think you've just described my entire life with narcissistic parents and now ex partners. I am currently estranged from my entire family because of calling my parents and sister out on their controlling behaviour and their triangulation tactics. This is after just coming out of a "relationship" with someone very malignant/psychopathic (gaslightibg, stalking, intimidation etc.) that they were all so concerned about.... I'm glad I can now start to see things for what they are, it's just a shame that so many of us have to learn it the hard way. Despite this, I still have faith that there are good, loving, kind people out there who do genuinely care about others, it's just sometimes hard to find them.
My goodness, I so feel you. Sounds as if you and I have had very similar experiences. I believe we can recover and grow strong via knowledge such as Dr Ramani shares. ❤
I actually grew to love it as I grew in my knowledge of Narcissism & was Mode confident in me and that I wasn’t going crazy. 5 yrs no contact. SO much peace ✌🏻
We all just love you Dr Ramani. You have saved so many lives by your knowledge and wisdom that it's hard to put words to our feelings and gratitude towards you. May God bless you and may he give us survivors the strength and wisdom to help ourselves. Please take very good care of yourself Dr Ramani. The world is definitely a much much better place because of you.
That’s my mum right there. Punishing others for having a different opinion than hers by refusing to talk to them. Very mature. Although it‘s actually quite nice that they shut up for once and leave you alone. And triangulation was a big one growing up (and still is).
Dr. Ramani I have been watching your videos for about the past month while trying to leave a 15 year narcissistic relationship and damn it is hard! But I find a lot of comfort coming to this page and at least knowing that I’m not crazy and the actions of the other one are verified and legitimately on point so I know I’m not crazy lol just want to say thank you for being a support system through this rough time❤
I got out back in 2016--divorced 2017--i got out Slowly--took a few moths before i did it--after 23 years-it was hard to do but i encourage you to do the same---GET OUT .
Thank you all for the encouragement 🙏🙏 Divorce papers were served today! And I know it’s going to a messy rocky road ahead but already feel like I can breathe a bit easier :)
@@marylynns-c311 Yes mine was a real messy one also--theres been No Contact ever since--im still a little Wary to try again--i had a terrible experience--i could honesty write a Book on all what she did to me--it was horrible.Glad you took the step to leave--its not an easy thing to do .
My now ex-husband, many years ago, used to do the silent treatment for 4 days at a stretch. As I was working my way out of the relationship and had recognised the pattern I came to enjoy the freedom the silent treatment gave me. It was 4 days that, because he had set it up, he couldn’t ask me where I was going or where I’d been. So I’d go out and visit friends without telling him. I enjoyed myself.
Just a few days ago a relative did her drama explosion irrational insult thing followed by her (ongoing) silent treatment thing. I've experienced this pattern over and over again, so instead of letting it bother me as it's designed to do, I've learned to enjoy it as an opportunity to take a break and concentrate on other things😎...it's funny I realize just in the past few days I've gotten all these things done I wanted to do, and my creativity is improving i think, and the only difference in my life right now is that the narcissistic input is in gag mode...🤔
The Narcissist that WAS in my life has ghosted me one too many times. What she has shown me is how nice life is without her in it. It has taken awhile but I no longer sit in fear of what is coming at me next. She is a nasty piece of work and the silent treatment has shown me that in more ways than having her in my life ever could have.
I can relate to what you’re saying. My ex would stonewall and ghost me briefly sometimes, and act like nothing happened. This final devalue and discard cycle is it for me. I noticed a lot of anxiety has dropped away now that she’s gone.
The silent treatment was the preferred punishment I got from my mother as child. But only I never my siblings which made it worse. The whole video describes the most of my relationships (platonic and romantic). Thanks Dr Ramani, now I get it and can heal! Greetings from Austria!💜💜💜💜💜
maybe tomorrow i will watch this video, today has been hell enough. These videos are so helpful but also so draining for me, so i try to watch these and learn when i can actually appreciate them...
I had a narcissistic coworker (who wasn't my manager, but acted like she was), and our desks 4-5 days a week were maybe 6 ft. apart. I eventually decided to be semi-silent, and cloaked all of my expression because in order for her to exact abuse, she needed to get a read on my energy and what was on my mind. Inspired by stealth submarines, I would remain as even keeled and steady as possible as long as she or one of her friends were nearby. If I needed something to calm my anxieties, I had a spiraling Microsoft Paint file that I'd work with in a mandala meditation type of way. I would keep mental notes of anything I wanted to write because she or her close friends (mainly two work-wives) would read over my shoulder if they heard me typing any form of communication. It felt like I was working behind an iron curtain and had to encrypt messages to outside individuals who could potentially help.
I can relate to this. I had a teammate who always had problems with our teamleaders. The problem is always with them and not her. She's lazy but proud and not embarassed about it. It kinda left me with that cringe feeling to a point that she became unbearable, very hard to hang out with at work and outside work. She liked to tell these victim stories over and over again esp. when we meet new people, and as an old person in her circle, this was like a broken record to me.
@@fujidenzo_kid4147 in my case, th8s person was a union rep doing whatever she could to make certain promotions happen, keep friends from accountability for flagrant infringements, and certain obstacles become the subjects of weaponized HR hoax complaints (there's a "Strangers on the Train" technique of being eachothers' witnesses for false testimony while one Svengali orchestrates it all). Especially in a hospital, that bullshit is inappropriate and detrimental to patient care. I should've known that there'd be trouble when this woman read Regina George (of Mean Girls) as a sympathetic victim.
Thanks so much for the great video. Another example for gaslighting: 'I will not answer that, as long as you are acting so irrational', 'You are so confused, right now, that you don't know what you are talking about.', 'We can talk as soon as you come to your senses.' (meaning, as soon as you say you are wrong). Edit: It feels so absurd, hearing you talk about text messages and saying 'no, look, I didn't make it up, you really said that.' and instead of getting an apology or just a 'oh, I totally forgot', you are being treated as the enemy with an answer like 'oh, you feel good now? It's so pathetic, that you just care about winning. I think you are really unfair towards me, using me like that just so you can be right.'
Lots of NPD gaslighting is also through body language which strengthens the massage of diminisishing, ignoring the partner. Condescending body language is their potent weapon.
Oh my, Dr R, how many nails can you hit on the head in one message? You have outdone yourself this time. Thank you. ALSO, one of the most satisfying parts of the film, GASLIGHT, is that the manipulated character turns the tables on her gaslighting husband. I won't say more and spoil it for those who want to watch this film for the first time.
I made an appointment to a counselor together bc he had ignored me for a week. He went beyond silent treatment by taking different routes in the house to avoid me. The counselor asked about my childhood & when he learned my mom left me when I was one the counselor instead of telling him how wrong & hurtful & unhealthy it was to ignore me, he told my husband that I had abandonment issues (I really don't. I worked through this a long time ago). So essentially told my husband that I was the problem with the silent treatment by telling him he shouldn't ignore me bc I would feel abandoned. How it makes me feel for a narc with no capacity to empathize onky served to make me look pathetic & neurotic in my husband's eyes. He treated me worse not better after that session bc he had no ownershipor shame in givingme the silent treatment. My husband only felt that I was weak bc I couldn't handle not going without talking to him.. i never went back to the counselor & that was also used by my husband to make me look broken.
I’m so sorry😢. Lundy Bancroft mentions this problem in his book, “Why does he do that?” Often times, counselors will side with the abusive man. I highly recommend this book. It doesn’t have much material on narcissism, but Mr Bancroft is really knowledgeable on abusive partnerships.
your videos just keep confirming I was right all along and I hate it. It goes against the teaching to never say never and never say always, but my abusers have found a way to be the exception to that rule. they will always be abusive narcissists
36 years of the silent treatment. My soon to be ex husband spent an entire 30 days giving me the silent treatment. Normal stents were one to two weeks at a time. This was so good. Thank you for talking about this ❤
My mother (who is the quiet, "respectable", self-martyring, "woe is me" type of narcissist) loves giving others the silent treatment. She's an absolute master at it, too, turning it into this grand performance with a permanent scowl on her face, pretending to hide while also making absolutely sure everyone in the apartment is aware of her and her mood at all times. She's persistent, too. When I was 14, she was so enraged by me standing up to her and refusing to let her beat me unfairly (there weren't any ski boots available in my size during a class trip to an indoor ski hall, which she blamed on me for some bizarre reason and tried to punish me for) that she refused to exchange a single word with me or my sister (who had nothing to do with the situation at all) for 3 whole months. What she didn't expect was that my sister and I had no interest in giving in to her massive tantrum. In fact, we relished every moment of it, because it gave us a reprieve from her constant passive-aggressive nagging and afforded us a lot more autonomy than we'd ever had in our lives. Our mother hated it. Every day, she got more and more desperate, deeply offended that we didn't value our relationship to our own mother enough to be in any way distressed by her radio silence. In a way, she was right - as far as we were concerned, that relationship wasn't worth salvaging. It had become nothing but a constant source of stress for us - we were old enough not to need her inserting herself into every minute detail of our lives, and neither of us dared to approach her about the actual problems we were facing (we were both struggling with bullying, self-esteem issues and several undiagnosed disorders), for fear of having our trust abused by her, so what was the point? (We didn't trust our father, either. The whole time, he never even noticed anything was off. None of us ever talked to him about anything if we could help it, and he only spoke to us to yell at us or use us as a captive audience for his self-important ramblings.) Of course, to our mother, it was because we were simply ungrateful and spoiled, without compassion for her emotional agony ... never mind that it was entirely self-afflicted (the worst I had done was slightly bruise her ego). Eventually, she broke down. One day, she just went back to the way things were and pretended the whole thing had never happened. My sister and I were disappointed, but went along with it, knowing that fighting it would only have made things worse. We never spoke about it again.
Thank you Dr. Ramani for a most inciteful podcast. I did not realize that I was emotionally abused by my father and that my mother enabled him. I then found myself engaged to a man displaying narcissistic traits. I have been able to walk away and resist his attempts to guilt me into remaining friends so he can see my 18 month old daughter and remain in our lives. Your work has saved me.
I did not have any of those emotional triggers such as guilt but my ex knew I hated confrontation and exposing our children to ugly exchanges so that is what she would use. I swallowed hard several times when in retrospect I shouldn't have because as much as I was trying to shield my children from relational ugliness I was also exhibiting meekness and subservience in the face of tyranny. What was my son learning from this "weakness?" What were my daughters learning about how to treat their eventual spouses? I see now my strategy was wrong but my intensions were good. What a terrible environment I exposed my children to by choosing the wrong mate when I saw the red flags before marriage and "reasoned" them away. I so regret the entire mess I created. It would have been my own fault if I ruined those 17 years of my life but I have to live with the fact that I did not provide a nurturing place for my children to grow up in. All of them have "scars" (some worse than others) from this bizarre environment in which they grew up in. Oh yea, "I never said that" "That never happened" "Where are you getting that?" "I didn't mean it when I said it and you know it" I was never allowed to have an alternate point of view or emotion. If I did she would quickly bring the spotlight back on her emotion or viewpoint as if it was the only one (and in her mind it probably was).
This is all so real and totally terrible to hear after 30 years of experiencing it every day. This is just more validation to feed us and help us with getting out. Which I am btw…. Thank you again Dr Ramani.
Yes, yes, yes. Dr. Ramani, you hit it on the nose as always! This has been, and is, my experience with my mother. I'm now at point where I do not initiate any contact with her - I put ball in her court.
I love that you said it dissolves the intimacy and closeness in the relationship. It really paints a picture of how I have felt for so long, but always thought something was wrong with me. It feels so validating to know I’m not alone in this nightmare
More understanding of my past ! I completely recognise this pattern in the 2 main narcissistic relationships of my life - one covert, the other malignant. Knowledge and awareness is so very helpful - thank you !
I learned the silent treatment is a partial vacation from them. It's awesome! I don't have to listen to their BS for days if I'm lucky. And the biggest plus is they think I'm suffering and they have the upper hand. Whatever floats their boat! I live with them for financial reasons, just as they do.
I'm going through this right now with my ex. We broke up (I initiated that). Let him tell it, I've been the villain since day one. It's been hell ever since. It's so hard to not fall back into the rabbit hole and not be triggered by the things he say.
I hope you get free and clear from him. Unfortunately with narcissistic people they avoid taking any real responsibility, it is always someone else that causes the problems. If you can practice Dr Ramani's DEEP method (don't defend, engage, explain or personalise). He will most likely try to bait you to get a reaction from you so that he can feel like he has got some sort of control and superiority over you. Please remember he is not superior to anyone and this is his sad delusion.
@@amac2573 I appreciate you. I binge watched her videos just so I can build the courage to stand up for myself and see the signals of manipulation coming. Sometimes I see it coming other times my gaurd is down and I snap back to my old habits. So it's a learning process for me. So thank you for your kind words 😊.
Thank you. This has actually really helped me understand the dynamic of myself and another -- both abused by the same person but in different ways -- to find middle ground. She's terrified of silent treatment as it culminated in bad things, I'm terrified to speak as it culminated in bad things. So we (once a year) have a difficult time, I go silent as trying to very carefully process and choose the right words in fear paralysis, meanwhile she is ramped up thinking she's being given the silent treatment: in both cases, we are trying to de-escalate (according to our past), but further triggering the others PTSD symptoms, in doing so.
Hi Anna. Thanks so much for supporting this channel. I hear you. These patterns are difficult to navigate. I hope my videos can give you with some tools to navigate these relationships and stay sane. Wishing you strength and peace.
I was depressed after my second daughter and started taking medication (for what I:ve learned through the years of therapy he was the cause for all of the above!) .. He said sometimes take the happy pill so you will be nicer . In other situations if I complained he told me " you are such a pitty most women in town want to have your life so don' t complain " " you don:"t know what you're talking about " "Do you see what you're saying" "You choose the worst moments to say something " " I think you wake up and try to make my angry" " you make me feel this way" " you are on your period " .... so it was never the right moment or the right thing to say. IT was like living in a twilight zone!
It so true, I had narc mother, father and golden child brother and I got in narc marriage too. The most sad part is only now after so many years I realized what I am dealing with and it was and it is not normal.
My mother did this to me as a really young child, throughout my entire childhood, and still does even though she’s 74.. anything can trigger it, perceived slights, oversights, not reading her mind, etc. So emotionally immature. Complete inability to discuss anything with maturity.
Thank You for pointing this out so clearly to all. It's so true so many of us got so use to the silent treatment and having to apologise just to make peace we never realised just how unhealthy it was. Thank You for really helping me understand what has gone on all my life. I no longer make contact and if they call I keep it very short and sweet, I have no emotional attachment to most of my birth famiky now and I feel the healthiest I ever have. The fear is gone. I have every right to be me and feel as I feel, I don't need approval or permission.
This is all that my sons saw growing up.....their father did such a good job on teaching them this dysfunctional approach to(non) communication that now, as adults, they use it too.......I'm emotionally exhausted by it all.
I began watching this because you have been a massive help in my understanding of my family dynamics. I'm not as angry as I used to be since knowing the way this game goes. What I didn't realize is that my golden child sister is now the narcissist. We fell out in a huge dramatic ordeal and she has not spoken a word to me in two years. While I do not deny the part I played, I have already offered an apology. It's such a relief to know that not appeasing her is the best course of action.
Ahh I could have written this myself.. it is impossible to unsee what you see. The peace in knowing you no longer have to deal with it all is priceless...
I makes me sad because they mimic our experience. Where we really are a victim of abuse and neglect, they take that experience for themselves and make themselves a victim instead. It leaves a person feeling like a crazy narc when we aren’t either.
My heart goes out to those who are affected by this behavior, but as someone who is living with this in real-time, take care of you. That is their choice and you have your choice. Be good to you.
Dr. Ramani, if only you knew how helpful your channel has been in waking me up to be able to label what I have been subjected to for years. This video - particularly the segment regarding manipulation - was spot on with regard to how a narcissist studies and gathers data in order to later manipulate. You reference those in relationships (marriage, boyfriend & girlfriend, fiancé/fiancée). However I appreciate that you also remember those of us who are subjected to it by family members (uncles, aunts, parents,...). Thank you for what you do, for your channel and your help.
Spot on Dr. Ramani, thank you! Good grief people, we all have a right to live a life of joy and happiness, it is our birthright! Get out of these toxic relationships, they never change! I finally got out of a thirty something year marriage after finally gathering the strength to live alone. Still healing, but I am very happy not to wake up with him in my face. Some of his favorite sayings and reactions were: I know you better than you know yourself, can you get to point, you're too sensitive, you always have something to bitch about (after I asked him to sell an old car taking up space on our driveway for years and I had to park on the street), as usual, I don't know what I'm talking about, must be nice to have free time to get my nails done, if I apologized for being late, he'd snap back that I was always late, he loved starting fights in the car (like his toxic parents used to do), if he asked me to do something, (and I didn't drop everything to do it), he'd say, never mind, I'll do it myself...at least that way I know it will get done, he'd start a fight, and then give me the silent treatment...me being the naive bimbo I was years ago, would have make up sex with him just to make it all better (for a day or so). I married my father (he wasn't this bad of a person). You can not fix these damaged people EVER! I tell people now I'm so happy living with my 3 rescue cats, that they don't bark at me or tell me I need to lose 35 pounds (like you'd think he was talking about the weather). Pay attention to the red flags when you meet them, then run, don't walk! Life is too short! Be happy and love yourself, first and foremost!
Nowadays I found the silent treatment from any narcissist, GOLDEN TIME!! The less they interact with me, the better!❤😁
What I was thinking. Lol. I left mine 2 years ago.
Truly a vacation lol
And when they had to go out of the country for volunteer work at FANCY resorts, I was still glad.
Hahaha same to me .I even don't bother communicating anymore.
Yeah!! Bingo!!
The relationship is truly over when she gives you the silent treatment and you feel nothing but relief.
That's spot on.
I love it when they give me the silent treatment.
EXXACTLY
@@kiv_daniels You LOVE it? It's one thing to feel relieved, but if you actually love it, that speaks volumes about you, and nothing good. You're saying you LOVE experiencing a symptom of the relationship being dead. And your use of "they" tells us you've put yourself in that place several times. That tells us you enjoy the fight, that you feel empowered by a moment where you should be heartbroken. Sounds like there was someone in your past you didn't stand up to, and now you see fights with your SO as your opportunity to stand up THIS TIME, to get it right THIS TIME. Very toxic. You aren't ever going to be in a good or healthy relationship until you confront the truth of this issue.
@@jbtechcon7434 arrogance on display here...
My ex gave me the silent treatment for 4 hours on a road trip once. When I gave in and apologized, he screamed at me and said “F**k your apology” and made us go through a whole cycle of fighting 🙄 I’ve been out of the relationship for 10 months which has been hard, but my life is so much more peaceful now
Damn
Emotional abuse is hard
I hate that I can relate to this. I am fresh out of the cycle of abuse and chipping away at the trauma bond as I heal the wounded parts of myself that allowed me to accept such nasty behavior.
@@Alize.W I’m so sorry…it’s so painful, but I promise it really does get easier with time. I still have moments where I feel the trauma bond and I really miss him but I am so much better than I was when I first left.
@Berlinetta ____ thank you so much!
Primary drivers behind "silent treatment":
1. Stonewalling
2. Gaslighting
3. Lack of emotional skills
4. Dysregulation of emotions
5. Victimhood
》The Narcissist is behaving like a child,
thats not getting what it wants
(the childish tantrum)
》The key: Do not give in to break the
silence with a Narcissist
》Silent Treatment = big red flag
very unhealthy
I rather walk away from anyone giving me the silent treatment.
I just ignore them right back. They want you to grovel at their feet. Disgusting swine.
I have worked with waaaay too many of these people. It seems if you have a narcissistic boss, they will hire more narcissists.
I do not feel sorry for them. Manipulation will no longer work on me with threats,fake flattery,crocodile tears. Sometimes people have to accept NO
@@tablescissors Exactly! They hire the love bombing idiots who flatter them during the interview. Then they join forces.
I feel like Dr. Ramani is my mom ,helping me through a tough narcissistic marriage
All mothers should help their children this way.
I feel the same way
me too)
@DoctorRamani Dr "Mom" Ramani... you gave me the courage and knowledge I needed to leave my 15 year marriage to a covert narc (we have 2 kids I took with me, too). Thank you doesn't begin to cover it. You are empowering people to rise up out of abusive situations and thrive. 🥰
You should get out...not just get through...
I felt like a non-person, a shadow in my own home. My ex NEVER talked - everything was perceived as an insult or slight towards him. I walked on eggshells, and it was horrible. He started coming home from work later and later and honestly I was relieved that he wasn't in the home. Each night when he got home, it was like a cold front rolling in...
I finally left him in 2016. The first night I spent in my own apartment was the best night's sleep I had in YEARS. I feel like I've aged in reverse since then - gaining pieces of ME that I thought were lost over the years. I haven't spoken to him in a very long time... and it's BLISS.
Stay hopeful, friends.
Alex... I feel like I'm dead with my family. They ignore me when I interact with them. I'll say out loud, have I died? When did I die? I can't believe I'm dead? I'm 100% invisible in my family. Narcs are so so boring and time wasters.
@@GlobalFreeLiving sounds like they're waiting for your disaster. Maybe they've all predicted your failure and it hasn't happened. Some of them will wait for decades just to tell you I told you so!
The staying hopeful part. During separation and divorce I moved to my home State to heal. I couldn't see ever getting over the pain of not being near my two daughters to love and protect them. People constantly told me it will get better but I couldn't see it at the time some of the worst pain I've ever felt. Over the past 12 years it has improved not perfect but tolerable. This is the damage narcissists do. It's real and one of my daughters still doesn't talk to me. Turns out she was the one her mother neglected the most and I guess you could say she's financially dependent because after her sister's marriage she couldn't afford to live alone. Her toxic ass mother sells the house and moves in with her. Back then she and I talked freely and honestly but gradually it came to the point of blame sarcasm insults and finally silent treatment. It's shameful to relate.
The part where you felt like a million pounds was taken off your shoulders or that you could sleep I experienced that too.
The day I finally left it gotten so confusing I didn't even take a toothbrush. As I drove about a 3-hour trip, I literally noticed the relief. It was that immediate but just the beginning of a process. Even then I still didn't understand how cruel 19 years of violence from the X was because I didn't realize that verbal emotional mental psychological abuse even existed. She was a Master. Looking back it started from the very beginning I just couldn't see it but my intuition was never wrong I just didn't understand it.
You would think you were the only person on this planet that could go through something so dark and confusing. So evil but thanks to people sharing their experiences we can gain our sanity back. Our free moral agency.
How many times did people tell us we were too sensitive or that we were overthinking things?
Turns out we weren't too sensitive and we weren't overthinking and if it wasn't for podcasts like these and people chiming in we would have to settle for their judgments even though we don't deal with them anymore.
You want to talk about closure? It's right here. These podcasts are where all the missing tiny pieces to the puzzle can be found.
Thanks everyone
One more detail about speaking to the individual It came to the point where I suggested email if there just had to be communication. That's where I learned she needed the power of being able to immediately degrade gas light and insult an email would leave proof of that so I never received a single email and I haven't spoken with her in years.
The silent treatment was used time and again by my x narc partner. It occurred after questioning super shady behaviours or asking him what’s going in other shady ways. His other response was RAGE that was terrifying . Rooms getting ripped apart, eyes bulging, arms flailing, swearing at me etc. I went NO contact a year ago after watching your videos . Right now im sitting quietly listening to the rain. I’m so free and happy. You gave me my life back. God bless you.
We don't dare question their need to punish us ever or report their punishing behavior to anyone without us having both scientific evidence that the violence happened and another witness with us verifying about how such terrible punishments were being done to us for nothing.
I’m so proud of you, & what you did to get out of such a tough, & hurtful situation
w/one you loved.
You are correct, even the snow & the rain looks & feels different without that constant “eggshell feeling” hanging over our heads.
It’s so beautiful to finally experience & appreciate our peace. Bless you going forward. Good job!!
I have experienced different from different narcs in my life 1.rage 2. Rage3. Silence and stonewalling
I am stuck with a narcissist husband. I'm very badly trapped. Looking for a way out. Pls help.
Oh how WONDERFUL!!
I am so so happy for you dear soul🙏
I have had insane experiences w/a few, one was sister, finally quit talking to her and I Feel Free (er!)
Good for you!!
Dr Ramani is so tOtally right on, I LOVE her💋😆!
On your mark, get set, glow/grow😆👏🙏
Be blessed🤗
The silent treatment is your best opportunity to exit stage left and get away from the narcissist. Be smart, take the gift they are giving you and pay it back with your absence. ✨
EXACTLY!! THAT is exactly how I responded to.."it's a blessing.." Indeed it is! Alone is what she wanted. Alone is what she GOT! Now, she's living with the fact that she ruined something good. She's already regretting it and I've already dodged a few "hoovers". She just refuses to admit that "old faithful" ain't comin' back this time! The warnings are done and as I told her: "you'll miss me when I'm gone cuz there ain't another guy on this planet that's us patient and forgiving as I am!" That proved to be true with the "new supply" - which didn't work out like she planned. Because of videos like this, I was prepared to stand my ground and when she leaned in to try and kiss me, she was met with a "don't even try it." Of course, she tried to "take credit" by responding with: "I wasn't asking you to come back." Bitch..you don't get to! And, that was that. Her own mom calls me cuz they don't know what to do with her either. Her mom still thinks it's something she did and I keep having to refer her to these videos and keep telling her that "it's not about you or me. It's about manipulation to get what she (my ex) wants!
@@duanemcclure8324 stay strong, your sanity is worth fighting for!
@@duanemcclure8324 Based.
@@duanemcclure8324proud of you! 🎉🎉🎉
People have tried the silent treatment with me. But what they don't realize is that I stop caring about them very quickly when they pull crap like this. And then get all upset with you when you play their game.
I'm with you on that finally figured out its a them problem not a me problem my best revenge is living my best life without them in it
I quit talking to the narcissistic people myself bc EGGSHELLS waiting to explode. I was glad when they were GONE.
Yes yes yes my feeling are gone.
I'm an introvert! Most of my life is silent so jokes on them 😎 2 can play that game 😎
❤it
Lol Facts! me too. Let the games begin 🙃
Hahahs me too!
LOL!!!!! Same. I love it. But I think some have caught on so they’ll try to talk my ear off. 🤨
Also I like term "the cold shoulder." Burrr.
"Your reality is sacred" - best advice I've heard in a long time. Thanks Dr. Ramani!
❤❤❤❤
That hit me deeply too ❤
Once you stop "playing their game", and perhaps be done, it feels so good
And, to me, I feel like the people that enable, are F ing everyone including selves
Have some integrity?
Stand up for people being abused?
"No one's ever going to love you like I do"
Yeah, I hope (I don't let) that happen, again!🙏
silent treatment is also different from ignoring an abusive person because you want them out of your life for good ❤
Amen
Reactive defence
My childhood was spent with my mom who would give me the silent treatment….without warning and very arbitrarily. I was always anxious and walking on egg shells.I was constantly scanning my actions to see what I could have possibly done wrong. It made life hell. After 54 years I finally found Dr. Ramani and pulled myself out of all these crazy relationships. Thank you, Dr. Ramani!🙏
I know how you feel. My mum did this if I did something that I was passionate about and brought me joy and she did not approve.
Everytime she does it, I do it back. Once lasted 2 weeks. It was bliss. It was her flying monkeys that were hell.
Same here. As a kid it was a miserable existence having a mother like this. As an adult I
pulled away and find out that life wasn’t so miserable. Now I’m finding out I’m having to do the same with a sibling with the same characteristics as the mother. Again, having endured her narcissistic behavior for many years but from a distance since she lives out of state, it has become unbearable dealing with her and her tantrums in dealing with our parents estate .
I got the silent treatment from my father but not really on and off, just on. He died when I was 17 and what fallowed was the best year of my life, just blossoming, developing and feeling. I still look back to that year to try to tap into that pure energy. The silent treatment was a horrible experience, mutilating. I've had the shitshow reenacted by my brother.
"Their disrespect is manifested as manipulation." This became clear to me when I was called an ineffective loser who couldn't get anything done - because I waited my turn and did not manipulate others to get more than my share or jump in line. The most outrageous was when the narc said my unwillingness to "break laws" to benefit my Dad was proof that I didn't love him as much as they did - although the law breaking they wanted to do was install hidden cameras in his assisted living center to try gain intel on the staff. My working with the staff instead of having an antagonistic relationship with them was then called proof that I cared more about the staff than my own father.
Sometimes when you write out this manipulative statements, the illogic and manipulation becomes much clearer than just listening to them, when you can just feel like you are drowning under the sheer volume of their criticisms, complaints and self aggrandizement.
I’m sorry for what you are going through Sounds like no matter what you do to please these people they’ll never be satisfied, but only because they’re miserable. Unfortunately in this case misery loves company so try not to let them take you’re joy. Keep shining and stick to you’re good morals 😊 Be interesting to place a hidden camera on them instead of the staff 😅
Dr. Ramani, I think via youtube you are helping a lot of middle-aged men like myself who would not usually seek therapy, realise where a wound has been all this time, or that is existed at all; allowing for healing to actually happen in many people either too stubborn or shy to speak to someone, or without the funds to. Sending much gratitude.
Good, because the worst "Silent Treatment" that I've ever experienced came from middle-aged and elderly men.
If only they had sought out therapy.
@@tablescissors Oh dear! Yes, youtube would have been helpful for them it sounds. I meant men who have been abused themselves and face the stigma all men do with therapy. Men who have been abused by women face a bigger stigma; We are meant to be the strong ones, even in the face of emotional abuse.
@@danupnorth6607 big time brother. it's no picnic. plus I've noticed this entitlement mentality of women these days. no thsnks
Lots of middle aged gals here as well....learning and getting stronger
@@danupnorth6607 men do have it worse.....
Women being physically weaker and typically the abused tend to get more understanding and even legal intervention than men.......
Men are generally taught not to harm women and to respect and protect us.....a woman who uses that against you is atrocious at best...
“My way or the highway” is the unwritten universal motto for narcissists.
When They gave me Silent for a week
I gave it back for life
Hard but getting beter day by day 🙏🤲
Absolutely ❤❤❤
Life is too short for that. Remaining in this type of toxicity will take a huge toll on our health. If they aren't willing to get into therapy, the only solution is getting out and getting into therapy ourselves to learn how to identify these behaviors and avoid them. Thank you, Dr. Ramani!
This was one of my ex's most consistent behaviors. We went to marriage counseling where the therapist told us our communication was too toxic to continue since it was not positive, so he recommended we have very limited verbal interaction daily to put the brakes on it. This was horrible advice since my husband LIKED to use the silent treatment to punish and manipulate me. He actually told me that the silent treatment was the only way he could teach me a lesson. Anyone who uses silence as a way to interact as a means to express their anger, dissatisfaction or disapproval is a lost cause. DUMP THEM!
just what i needed to hear!!!
WTF for a therapist was that?
My own reality is sacred and I will not Let any narcisist or any other abusive and toxic person deny or question it. Thank you dr Ramani.
❤🎉
She is spot on about the neglectful narc. This is so on point. It used to bother me but I got to the point where I was glad when he didn't because when he did it was only when he wanted/needed something other than that, I was invisible. So I stopped engaging and didn't feel bad about it at all.
Also was with a Neglectful narc. So being ignored was almost the norm.
Still, his deliberate silent treatment was/ is quite painful. Particularly when he let's me know that it's ( of course) because of " something " I've done.
Hahaha why I quit cooking 😂
😳In my experience Telling someone they’re gaslighting you, and explaining HOW they’re gaslighting CAN stop the gaslighting, IF they didn’t realize that’s the pattern they’ve learned in childhood.
➖HOWEVER, if the gaslighter is a narcissist, they won’t change, they won’t apologize, and more gaslighting will come.
➖Thank you for the info. It’s eye opening.
Sometimes, telling them How they are gaslighting you only teaches them how to do it more subtly especially if they are narcs with covert tendencies.
Sigh. Maybe tomorrow, maybe tomorrow someone will make an act of kindness towards me and not gaslight me
A narcissist will come back accusing YOU of being the narcissist. Don't fall for that swing it back to them.
I had the silent treatment all through my 40 + years with my husband. Never new or understood what a narcissist was until very recently, and finding Dr. Ramani's videos has been a god send and explains so much. Thank you Dr. Ramani!❤
Thank you, Dr. Ramani. I'm finally able to cut people off when they exhibit bad toxic behaviors. I no longer ruminate on if they are diagnosed, or if I'm being mean. I'm tired of being the one waiting for people to get it together. I'm tired of being the ear, shoulder and lending a hand and then those people bite back and shock me. Most of the people I know are 30+. They have the responsibility to get it together on their own. I went to counseling and still do when I need help or need a perspective. They need to put in work too. I'm being selfish and taking care of myself and my daughter and I don't have to feel guilty about that. Thank you.
Not selfish! SMART
@@patriciaalbertson5183 Thank you. Doing it but still working on how I talk to myself.
I just recently learned that it’s not mean to say no. It’s so freeing. Before it was so confusing why I had to always say yes and just couldn’t say no, while narcissists never say yes unless it’s a trade that’s hugely in their favor. They are so good at complicating things and keeping you on your toes. I am seeing them now though!
Thank you for this. I’m right in the middle of a 2 month silent treatment from my NM. I’m 57. I only learned about narcissistic people and that both mother and step father are ones in the last 4 years. It was a revelation. It has been a self healing journey w the help of course from people like yourself.
It’s the first time in my life I’ve not felt guilty or stressed over the silent treatment. It’s such a positive force in my life.
I’m holding strong. I’m living my life and not giving up my tears or worry for someone who has none for me. I am learning so much from you. It’s changed my life. I thank you so much.
You go!!!! That's exactly how I look at it! It's a blessing in disguise, take advantage of it. Heck I've drawn this out for 6 months.😂
The narcissist was the only person to really rave about my cooking, and practically the only person in over 20 years that I've shared my cooking with. Flattery got him everywhere. Today I cook for myself and don't have to clench my teeth in anger. Thank you, Dr. Ramani.
Yeah! Peace
It's really hard when they use those personal points of validation to sink their hooks in, but there's so many others who are going to love your cooking, put yourself out there I encourage you to throw a banquet or do something to get some other people talking about your food❤
This is feeding my soul! I'm crying at just how played I was by my ex husband for over 30 years. Thank you so much Dr Ramani ❤
This was what my ex’s have used against me constantly and now I’m terrified and triggered when I’m having any heated discussion and the person stops talking
The last ex baited me and gaslit me so that when they did something to me and i got justifiably angry they could go “omg you’re so psycho why don’t you just calm down”
It almost got me to the point of suicide because i felt so defeated and confused and for months after I could barely even make a cohesive decision because I felt like everything would make my life worse so my whole body shut down
Its only been in the past two months through my DBT therapy research, my psychologist, my family, and your videos validating my horrific narcissistic abuse that has gotten me into a routine for my life and my two baby kitty cats.
Thank you for being the voice of a far too large group of abuse survivors
U. Are not the only one. ..let's put ut thus my cat is the best .
@Maddie Wilson... Wow, Do I ever relate to your comment about how your ex would gaslight you to the point of you being so upset you said something you didn't mean, leaving him able to say "see I knew you were crazy"! Believe it or not my adult daughter did this to me all the time. However I never took the bait until March 2020. I sent a harshly worded TEXT message and she hasn't spoken to me since! The awful part about that is she stopped letting me see my granddaughter too! Then in November 2020, my daughter gave birth to another baby, my grandson. I've NEVER met him. Never! Then just last December 2021 she had a baby girl. And, you guessed it. I've never met her either! 3 grandbabies that she has willfully kept away from a grandmother that loves them with all of my heart. Even the babies I've never met. I've begged my daughter to forgive me, not directly, she refuses to speak to me to work this out. All she ever said "in a text" when this all happened in 2020,was "you need to get help". And BOOM. I was shut out.
@@cheypam that sounds so frustrating and cruel :( my mums dad did a similar thing to her and so even though he lives like an hour away weve never met him and my oldest sister is like 28
I hope she manages to get to a place where she feels comfortable letting you meet them some time soon
@@Cat_Lady yes omg once youve experienced it you will never treat someone like that
Also @DoctorRamani I think a great new term I thought of - “Active Consensual Touch” could be really helpful in the conversation about consent/boundaries and play!
My husband would always give me the silent treatment after yelling at me if I didn’t agree with him on anything. Now that I left , I’m giving the silent treatment and it’s hard. I’m on the road to healing from emotional abuse and I listen to Dr Ramani… don’t explain, don’t engage, don’t defend.
Absolutely. Just know the emotional turmoil improves. Keep moving forward and know the situation you left was not real. It's better out than in.
Thank you Dr. Ramani, I wish more therapist just used language such as this. You change thousands of lives! Thank you for your work!
She is a wonderful teacher.
My mom use to use the silent treatment until I would apologize for whatever she was upset about. After dealing with it my whole life I have decided to just cut her off I’m exhausted from the whole relationship and everything that comes with it it’s just not worth it
My Mama was like that and more. Being the second born of 10 I suffered from not having a bond with her. I left her at 17 and lived my life but always missed that mother/daughter bond I yearned for. When I married and had my first child, she was having my youngest brother and so the 2 boys grew up together and I got to bond with my Mother FINALLY. It wasn't all roses---life never is, but neither my dad nor my mom ever apologized for the abuse and negativity we endured growing up. Just going through the life I lived has taught me SO much of grace and mercy. Life is as beautiful as your mind makes it up to be. I ended up married to a covert controlling narc and I see so much of my parents in him. It's just the way they are, you can't change people like that, you can only either endure or get away. I am just recently learning all this and the pieces of my life's puzzle are just finally making sense to me. I am a "married once" type of person. My husband divorced me about 12 years ago over a power struggle (he got mad because he crossed a boundary and I didn't give in). We got back together just as the divorce finalized and I mentioned we need to get remarried and he said not till I can prove I can be "good" for 10 years!!! I have of course realized I will only marry once and that it's HIM that needed to show he can be good and he just can't be that steady guy. He is a covert narc that delights in power and manipulation, gives the silent treatment because he wants more power, says very inappropriate things even about our own adult children (he and I have 2, neither have any other children outside our marriage). I learned almost 3 years ago why he acts the way he does and the name of the disorder. But life still goes on and we are to make the best of it.
Oh yes! I ended up feeling it was my fault. I struggle with an Anxiety Disorder and he used that to his benefit.
I relate to that one☝️I realised I was dealing with a very immature person, I thought here we go again, we’re going into the sulking mode. I’d ignore it, but it still hurt it was so unnecessary. But that’s the narcissistic, thanks Dr Ramani.
@@wendyhannan2454 even though you know you are better than that, it still gets to you doesn't it. Mind you this man was a person that everyone loved, got the Queens medal for outstanding duties to his service. He use to tell people lies about me if they were his friends and they started to get on well with me. It's so horrible when everyone loves him and say he is "One of nature's gentlemen" He is evil. 😪
Dr. Ramani I just wanna say that your channel has helped me a tremendous amount when learning about narcissism, you make me understand my mother and the things she does. Instead of fighting back with her I come to your channel to reflect on the actions. No longer wanting to engage with her to continue the cycle.
I feel like I'm the "crazy" abusive one. The audacity. Recently experienced the enablers and the shamelessness, the cruelty of the aging -- well, now very much elderly narcissist. I've also seen that it's not just me. Still, no accountability, no remorse, ostentatious flailing and 'behind the scenes' bigotry. I was raised into a dynamic like this and now, at 40 re-experienced it over and over again, ad nauseum. I got literally sick. I gaslight myself often. I isolate myself because i don't know if i have the wherewithal to grey rock for the millionth time. After a decade, life interrupted by pathological malignant narcissist parents, believing them. I am doing what i can to get out of here. Truly go no contact. It took a long time to get back to a place where I feel like that same horrified 7 year old, so... i pathlogized myself, pre rejected myself, didn't say anything. Once i did, stonewalling, silent treatment, withholding of information ... after wanting to be in contact *all the time* ....
Like you say, doing the deep dive, and trying to tame the toxic inner critic (parent) that invalidate or poo-poo on my very real efforts.
Thank you for being part of my day everyday, with your videos, and, just the way you deliver the message.
I get the rage silent treatment WITHOUT ANY PROVOCATION! No prior argument and nothing to base it on. Fantastic video.
21 days of the silent treatment before I fled one night when he was gone to work. 31 years of that kind of treatment and worse, which helped me make the final decision to put an end to it.
Glad you got out
Much peace to you 🙏
Wow! The Narcissist’s Playbook is a legit thing. I found myself in some of the very situations she described. So grateful that we essentially get the silent treatment for 3-6 months at a time & haven’t had to deal with him any more than a few text messages a year. Grateful for the opportunity to stretch & grow though, I wouldn’t be the person I am today without that transformational experience.
I haven't finished watching this video yet but the opening made me about fall on the floor laughing because Dr. Ramani nailed this perfectly
Happy Sunday
I use silent treatment against the narc because it drives him nuts. I on the other hand love silence. Give me a blanket and some books and I won't talk for days. Better than wasting my breath trying to communicate with a narc. Why spend my time arguing pointlessly just to give him a buzz. Whenever he is silent it's heaven.
Silent treatment for a year while I was pregnant. I told him to leave when my son was 5 mos old. We had to be separated for a year before we could divorce during which he was online seeking his next wife and refusing to go to counseling. After we divorced I had to give him a ride somewhere and he had the nerve to tell me he felt guilty as if he was hoping I would say something soothing like “Oh it’s ok, don’t worry about it.” Guess was he got: THE SILENT TREATMENT!!!!!
Thank you for the extended video!!!!!you are so generous.sending love and support to all.xx
You consistently nail word for word my upbringing. Both of my parents are narcissists and exhibit everything you talk about. Specifically the growing up and not knowing who you are. Every move, every thought is second guessed because of this. Leading you into the sense of not knowing who you are. I finally took a stand last year and we haven’t spoken since. The personal growth I’ve experienced over this time the biggest leap in my lifetime.
Now you can do all of the personal growth that was stunted because of them; go grow, shine, find your light within yourself that's always been there. They don't deserve you.
Oh you are ringing all my bells this morning. I finally told myself that I was on holiday and from then on did not take the blame for whatever was going on. I wondered for years if this was abusive but could never find any information on it. Playing on the vulnerable places! This work is making my grief work so much more endurable. Thank you so much for this healing program. You have no idea how much it has been helping me to recover not only from a long marriage with narcissism but also dealing with his death. Resolution was not possible with him living. So sad.
He was also responsible for that. Healthy relationship involves 2 people being on board.
My husband is a master of the silent treatment. Unfortunately, over the years I've been the "enabler" by bringing the relationship back to what I thought was homeostasis. A few months ago, I decided not to, and boy am I "paying the price," or so he thinks. He'll talk pleasantly to me IF I initiate any verbal communication; but if I don't, he's as sullen as the grave. I'll greet him after he comes home, normally. But if I'm busy and don't say anything, he barely even looks at me. How childish is that! It has taken a toll though on my health, both physically and emotionally. It is indeed a spiritual battle. I have been once again trying to eat right (boo to sugar and grains--lol) and do some easy exercises. But, yeah, I'd like to get away if I can...think about it most of the time. I have three dependent teenagers so it's a little trickier financially. Oh, also, very strange now: he sleeps with his head at the foot of the bed. He said I gave him a cold once after he told me to wash my hair every day and I didn't. My hair was long at the time, so it was a big deal to wash it every day. He's very covid-conscious and punishes anyone who doesn't comply with his strict procedures (even though he himself doesn't --he'll leave his face shield on the dining room table.)🙄
It's my mom and brother for me. I'm also an extremely sensitive Empath. I'm only about a year and a half "awakened". You're spot on with all of it !!!
Up until maybe 3 years ago, I barely knew what a narcissist or Empath even was. I definitely had no idea how bad my mom and brother really are. Long story, but I was diagnosed with extreme depression in November of 2018. I am to live with my mom to try and sort things out and get moving again. My brother was actually staying here at the time, and he's an extreme narrcisist. He started right out of the gate, the day I moved in. We all had to deal with the lockdowns and all of that, but they both had me believing I was this horrible person...all the usual stuff. Now that I'm well aware, and standing firm in my boundaries, they don't like it at all. Especially my "brother". There have been several altercations since I've really began pushing back. He actually physically attacked me one day after my aunt passed away last year.
Long winded I know, but I am making it through armed with information thanks to you and others out there helping to educate people about this.
I'm not doctor, but I am looking for ways to help as well. If you'd like, I can send you more details on my situation and what I've been doing to get through it. If will help even one person cope with a similar situation, I'm happy 🙂
Thank You for fighting the good fight. Greatly appreciated.
Wow!!! You made it through with open eyes. Keep making your life as beautiful as you see it in your mind ✨️ 💕
You can come out if this toxic family dynamics as I had. We have shared the same journey of awakening into our fault of people
Pleasing.
Yrp, my mom and sisters the same. Total idiots, but it hurts until you understand.
@@soniahathaway1
It's unreal. It's almost tougher know and understanding. Especially when you realize how deep it goes and how long it's been going on. They even got my kids to a large degree. Admitting that to myself is one of the toughest thing I've ever had to accept.
@@msmanager2775
Thank you. Working on it. No contact will happen very soon. I don't think I've ever been at 100% my whole adult life. I do have a lot of rather significant accomplishment even living like this for all these years.
I can't wait to see what I can do once I'm out for good.
Dr. Ramani describing the silent treatment is describing my life right now. I would add though that when she responds to my questions about family matters that she purposefully avoided sharing with me, she answers with a tone of contempt that implies that I should have known.
Dr ramani,
Your words always resonate so much. I think you've just described my entire life with narcissistic parents and now ex partners. I am currently estranged from my entire family because of calling my parents and sister out on their controlling behaviour and their triangulation tactics. This is after just coming out of a "relationship" with someone very malignant/psychopathic (gaslightibg, stalking, intimidation etc.) that they were all so concerned about.... I'm glad I can now start to see things for what they are, it's just a shame that so many of us have to learn it the hard way. Despite this, I still have faith that there are good, loving, kind people out there who do genuinely care about others, it's just sometimes hard to find them.
I can relate
My goodness, I so feel you. Sounds as if you and I have had very similar experiences. I believe we can recover and grow strong via knowledge such as Dr Ramani shares. ❤
I actually grew to love it as I grew in my knowledge of Narcissism & was Mode confident in me and that I wasn’t going crazy.
5 yrs no contact. SO much peace ✌🏻
We all just love you Dr Ramani. You have saved so many lives by your knowledge and wisdom that it's hard to put words to our feelings and gratitude towards you. May God bless you and may he give us survivors the strength and wisdom to help ourselves. Please take very good care of yourself Dr Ramani. The world is definitely a much much better place because of you.
That’s my mum right there. Punishing others for having a different opinion than hers by refusing to talk to them. Very mature. Although it‘s actually quite nice that they shut up for once and leave you alone. And triangulation was a big one growing up (and still is).
Dr. Ramani I have been watching your videos for about the past month while trying to leave a 15 year narcissistic relationship and damn it is hard! But I find a lot of comfort coming to this page and at least knowing that I’m not crazy and the actions of the other one are verified and legitimately on point so I know I’m not crazy lol just want to say thank you for being a support system through this rough time❤
You can do it sis. It's not worth staying.
35 years for me, finally makes sense ,im tired to making excuses to myself .Its so hard to leave.
I got out back in 2016--divorced 2017--i got out Slowly--took a few moths before i did it--after 23 years-it was hard to do but i encourage you to do the same---GET OUT .
Thank you all for the encouragement 🙏🙏
Divorce papers were served today! And I know it’s going to a messy rocky road ahead but already feel like I can breathe a bit easier :)
@@marylynns-c311 Yes mine was a real messy one also--theres been No Contact ever since--im still a little Wary to try again--i had a terrible experience--i could honesty write a Book on all what she did to me--it was horrible.Glad you took the step to leave--its not an easy thing to do .
I have saved this video and I will listen to it on a regular basis. It is the equivalent of a nourishing meal.
My now ex-husband, many years ago, used to do the silent treatment for 4 days at a stretch.
As I was working my way out of the relationship and had recognised the pattern I came to enjoy the freedom the silent treatment gave me.
It was 4 days that, because he had set it up, he couldn’t ask me where I was going or where I’d been. So I’d go out and visit friends without telling him.
I enjoyed myself.
Excellent. Well played!
Like all types of abuse happens behind closed doors, thank you opening those doors today and helping address what is hidden inside, for most ❤.
Just a few days ago a relative did her drama explosion irrational insult thing followed by her (ongoing) silent treatment thing. I've experienced this pattern over and over again, so instead of letting it bother me as it's designed to do, I've learned to enjoy it as an opportunity to take a break and concentrate on other things😎...it's funny I realize just in the past few days I've gotten all these things done I wanted to do, and my creativity is improving i think, and the only difference in my life right now is that the narcissistic input is in gag mode...🤔
This is one of your most powerful and clear talks ever! Please provide more of this type of analysis. Thank you
The Narcissist that WAS in my life has ghosted me one too many times. What she has shown me is how nice life is without her in it. It has taken awhile but I no longer sit in fear of what is coming at me next. She is a nasty piece of work and the silent treatment has shown me that in more ways than having her in my life ever could have.
I can relate to what you’re saying. My ex would stonewall and ghost me briefly sometimes, and act like nothing happened. This final devalue and discard cycle is it for me. I noticed a lot of anxiety has dropped away now that she’s gone.
The silent treatment was the preferred punishment I got from my mother as child. But only I never my siblings which made it worse.
The whole video describes the most of my relationships (platonic and romantic). Thanks Dr Ramani, now I get it and can heal!
Greetings from Austria!💜💜💜💜💜
This is why I keep my tribe small. I still have extroverts telling me I need more of a social life, and more friends. No, I don't.
I love Dr. Ramani
the first three minute of this video explained a lot of my whole life living one of them. thank you Dr. Ramani 🙏
MINE TOO❤️
maybe tomorrow i will watch this video, today has been hell enough. These videos are so helpful but also so draining for me, so i try to watch these and learn when i can actually appreciate them...
I had a narcissistic coworker (who wasn't my manager, but acted like she was), and our desks 4-5 days a week were maybe 6 ft. apart.
I eventually decided to be semi-silent, and cloaked all of my expression because in order for her to exact abuse, she needed to get a read on my energy and what was on my mind. Inspired by stealth submarines, I would remain as even keeled and steady as possible as long as she or one of her friends were nearby. If I needed something to calm my anxieties, I had a spiraling Microsoft Paint file that I'd work with in a mandala meditation type of way. I would keep mental notes of anything I wanted to write because she or her close friends (mainly two work-wives) would read over my shoulder if they heard me typing any form of communication. It felt like I was working behind an iron curtain and had to encrypt messages to outside individuals who could potentially help.
Wow, I can relate to your experience
I can relate to this. I had a teammate who always had problems with our teamleaders. The problem is always with them and not her. She's lazy but proud and not embarassed about it. It kinda left me with that cringe feeling to a point that she became unbearable, very hard to hang out with at work and outside work. She liked to tell these victim stories over and over again esp. when we meet new people, and as an old person in her circle, this was like a broken record to me.
@@fujidenzo_kid4147 in my case, th8s person was a union rep doing whatever she could to make certain promotions happen, keep friends from accountability for flagrant infringements, and certain obstacles become the subjects of weaponized HR hoax complaints (there's a "Strangers on the Train" technique of being eachothers' witnesses for false testimony while one Svengali orchestrates it all). Especially in a hospital, that bullshit is inappropriate and detrimental to patient care.
I should've known that there'd be trouble when this woman read Regina George (of Mean Girls) as a sympathetic victim.
Thanks so much for the great video.
Another example for gaslighting: 'I will not answer that, as long as you are acting so irrational', 'You are so confused, right now, that you don't know what you are talking about.', 'We can talk as soon as you come to your senses.' (meaning, as soon as you say you are wrong).
Edit: It feels so absurd, hearing you talk about text messages and saying 'no, look, I didn't make it up, you really said that.' and instead of getting an apology or just a 'oh, I totally forgot', you are being treated as the enemy with an answer like 'oh, you feel good now? It's so pathetic, that you just care about winning. I think you are really unfair towards me, using me like that just so you can be right.'
Lots of NPD gaslighting is also through body language which strengthens the massage of diminisishing, ignoring the partner.
Condescending body language is their potent weapon.
Oh my, Dr R, how many nails can you hit on the head in one message? You have outdone yourself this time. Thank you.
ALSO, one of the most satisfying parts of the film, GASLIGHT, is that the manipulated character turns the tables on her gaslighting husband. I won't say more and spoil it for those who want to watch this film for the first time.
I made an appointment to a counselor together bc he had ignored me for a week. He went beyond silent treatment by taking different routes in the house to avoid me. The counselor asked about my childhood & when he learned my mom left me when I was one the counselor instead of telling him how wrong & hurtful & unhealthy it was to ignore me, he told my husband that I had abandonment issues (I really don't. I worked through this a long time ago). So essentially told my husband that I was the problem with the silent treatment by telling him he shouldn't ignore me bc I would feel abandoned. How it makes me feel for a narc with no capacity to empathize onky served to make me look pathetic & neurotic in my husband's eyes. He treated me worse not better after that session bc he had no ownershipor shame in givingme the silent treatment. My husband only felt that I was weak bc I couldn't handle not going without talking to him.. i never went back to the counselor & that was also used by my husband to make me look broken.
@Chris Feri You can't ask that question without ppl getting defensive or playing dumb
I’m so sorry😢. Lundy Bancroft mentions this problem in his book, “Why does he do that?” Often times, counselors will side with the abusive man. I highly recommend this book. It doesn’t have much material on narcissism, but Mr Bancroft is really knowledgeable on abusive partnerships.
Ug, enabler therapists! Heaping abuse on abuse!Glad you never went back. Hope you are with healthy people now.
@@mollyt6835 Every therapist listened to my Ex husband and believed his point of view.
I don't recommend joint counseling with an abusive spouse.
@@wildhorses6817 agree 💯
your videos just keep confirming I was right all along and I hate it. It goes against the teaching to never say never and never say always, but my abusers have found a way to be the exception to that rule. they will always be abusive narcissists
So true. I feel / felt that way, against the silent treatment. Until your podcast. Many thanks 🙏
I understand fully also ❤️ At we have Dr. Ramani . Thank you too.🙏
36 years of the silent treatment. My soon to be ex husband spent an entire 30 days giving me the silent treatment. Normal stents were one to two weeks at a time. This was so good. Thank you for talking about this ❤
congratulations on soon to be EX !
@@lucyt-c8092 thank you sooo much!
Me too. 28 years of marriage
@@lazyezmerelda thankful that we see it for what it really is .
My mother (who is the quiet, "respectable", self-martyring, "woe is me" type of narcissist) loves giving others the silent treatment. She's an absolute master at it, too, turning it into this grand performance with a permanent scowl on her face, pretending to hide while also making absolutely sure everyone in the apartment is aware of her and her mood at all times.
She's persistent, too. When I was 14, she was so enraged by me standing up to her and refusing to let her beat me unfairly (there weren't any ski boots available in my size during a class trip to an indoor ski hall, which she blamed on me for some bizarre reason and tried to punish me for) that she refused to exchange a single word with me or my sister (who had nothing to do with the situation at all) for 3 whole months.
What she didn't expect was that my sister and I had no interest in giving in to her massive tantrum. In fact, we relished every moment of it, because it gave us a reprieve from her constant passive-aggressive nagging and afforded us a lot more autonomy than we'd ever had in our lives.
Our mother hated it. Every day, she got more and more desperate, deeply offended that we didn't value our relationship to our own mother enough to be in any way distressed by her radio silence. In a way, she was right - as far as we were concerned, that relationship wasn't worth salvaging. It had become nothing but a constant source of stress for us - we were old enough not to need her inserting herself into every minute detail of our lives, and neither of us dared to approach her about the actual problems we were facing (we were both struggling with bullying, self-esteem issues and several undiagnosed disorders), for fear of having our trust abused by her, so what was the point?
(We didn't trust our father, either. The whole time, he never even noticed anything was off. None of us ever talked to him about anything if we could help it, and he only spoke to us to yell at us or use us as a captive audience for his self-important ramblings.)
Of course, to our mother, it was because we were simply ungrateful and spoiled, without compassion for her emotional agony ... never mind that it was entirely self-afflicted (the worst I had done was slightly bruise her ego).
Eventually, she broke down. One day, she just went back to the way things were and pretended the whole thing had never happened. My sister and I were disappointed, but went along with it, knowing that fighting it would only have made things worse.
We never spoke about it again.
Get out of my childhood memories 😅
Thank you Dr. Ramani for a most inciteful podcast. I did not realize that I was emotionally abused by my father and that my mother enabled him. I then found myself engaged to a man displaying narcissistic traits. I have been able to walk away and resist his attempts to guilt me into remaining friends so he can see my 18 month old daughter and remain in our lives. Your work has saved me.
🎯🎯🎯thank you Dr Ramini for continuing to highlight the low level disturbing behavior 💔🥹
Emotion wheel huge helper…. I never was able to own my own feelings- now learning how to have my very own feelings which our given right….
I did not have any of those emotional triggers such as guilt but my ex knew I hated confrontation and exposing our children to ugly exchanges so that is what she would use. I swallowed hard several times when in retrospect I shouldn't have because as much as I was trying to shield my children from relational ugliness I was also exhibiting meekness and subservience in the face of tyranny.
What was my son learning from this "weakness?" What were my daughters learning about how to treat their eventual spouses? I see now my strategy was wrong but my intensions were good.
What a terrible environment I exposed my children to by choosing the wrong mate when I saw the red flags before marriage and "reasoned" them away. I so regret the entire mess I created. It would have been my own fault if I ruined those 17 years of my life but I have to live with the fact that I did not provide a nurturing place for my children to grow up in. All of them have "scars" (some worse than others) from this bizarre environment in which they grew up in.
Oh yea, "I never said that" "That never happened" "Where are you getting that?" "I didn't mean it when I said it and you know it"
I was never allowed to have an alternate point of view or emotion. If I did she would quickly bring the spotlight back on her emotion or viewpoint as if it was the only one (and in her mind it probably was).
You sound like an excellent father.
This is all so real and totally terrible to hear after 30 years of experiencing it every day.
This is just more validation to feed us and help us with getting out. Which I am btw…. Thank you again Dr Ramani.
Yes, yes, yes. Dr. Ramani, you hit it on the nose as always! This has been, and is, my experience with my mother. I'm now at point where I do not initiate any contact with her - I put ball in her court.
I love that you said it dissolves the intimacy and closeness in the relationship. It really paints a picture of how I have felt for so long, but always thought something was wrong with me. It feels so validating to know I’m not alone in this nightmare
More understanding of my past ! I completely recognise this pattern in the 2 main narcissistic relationships of my life - one covert, the other malignant. Knowledge and awareness is so very helpful - thank you !
I learned the silent treatment is a partial vacation from them. It's awesome!
I don't have to listen to their BS for days if I'm lucky. And the biggest plus
is they think I'm suffering and they have the upper hand. Whatever floats
their boat! I live with them for financial reasons, just as they do.
I'm going through this right now with my ex. We broke up (I initiated that). Let him tell it, I've been the villain since day one. It's been hell ever since. It's so hard to not fall back into the rabbit hole and not be triggered by the things he say.
I hope you get free and clear from him. Unfortunately with narcissistic people they avoid taking any real responsibility, it is always someone else that causes the problems. If you can practice Dr Ramani's DEEP method (don't defend, engage, explain or personalise). He will most likely try to bait you to get a reaction from you so that he can feel like he has got some sort of control and superiority over you. Please remember he is not superior to anyone and this is his sad delusion.
@@amac2573 I appreciate you. I binge watched her videos just so I can build the courage to stand up for myself and see the signals of manipulation coming. Sometimes I see it coming other times my gaurd is down and I snap back to my old habits. So it's a learning process for me. So thank you for your kind words 😊.
Thank you. This has actually really helped me understand the dynamic of myself and another -- both abused by the same person but in different ways -- to find middle ground. She's terrified of silent treatment as it culminated in bad things, I'm terrified to speak as it culminated in bad things. So we (once a year) have a difficult time, I go silent as trying to very carefully process and choose the right words in fear paralysis, meanwhile she is ramped up thinking she's being given the silent treatment: in both cases, we are trying to de-escalate (according to our past), but further triggering the others PTSD symptoms, in doing so.
Hi Anna. Thanks so much for supporting this channel. I hear you. These patterns are difficult to navigate. I hope my videos can give you with some tools to navigate these relationships and stay sane. Wishing you strength and peace.
I was depressed after my second daughter and started taking medication (for what I:ve learned through the years of therapy he was the cause for all of the above!)
.. He said sometimes take the happy pill so you will be nicer . In other situations if I complained he told me " you are such a pitty most women in town want to have your life so don' t complain "
" you don:"t know what you're talking about " "Do you see what you're saying" "You choose the worst moments to say something " " I think you wake up and try to make my angry" " you make me feel this way" " you are on your period " .... so it was never the right moment or the right thing to say. IT was like living in a twilight zone!
It so true, I had narc mother, father and golden child brother and I got in narc marriage too. The most sad part is only now after so many years I realized what I am dealing with and it was and it is not normal.
Thank you for being the voice of reason Dr Ramani. This journey isn’t always easy, but it’s necessary and precious.
THAT'S RIGHT TRAIN YOURSELF, I LEARNED HOW TO AND GOT EDUCATED, FULL OF KNOWLEDGE AND ALL THAT DID NOT BOTHER ME ANYMORE!!!! KNOWLEDGE IS POWERFUL!
My mother did this to me as a really young child, throughout my entire childhood, and still does even though she’s 74.. anything can trigger it, perceived slights, oversights, not reading her mind, etc. So emotionally immature. Complete inability to discuss anything with maturity.
Their behavior intensifies with age; beware. Mine at 88 started throwing temper tantrums in my car. It was like watching a toddler.
@@daynapeterson9033 thank you for the heads up and relating.
Thank You for pointing this out so clearly to all. It's so true so many of us got so use to the silent treatment and having to apologise just to make peace we never realised just how unhealthy it was. Thank You for really helping me understand what has gone on all my life. I no longer make contact and if they call I keep it very short and sweet, I have no emotional attachment to most of my birth famiky now and I feel the healthiest I ever have. The fear is gone. I have every right to be me and feel as I feel, I don't need approval or permission.
Marvelous as usual Doctor Ramani! Thank you
This is all that my sons saw growing up.....their father did such a good job on teaching them this dysfunctional approach to(non) communication that now, as adults, they use it too.......I'm emotionally exhausted by it all.
I began watching this because you have been a massive help in my understanding of my family dynamics. I'm not as angry as I used to be since knowing the way this game goes.
What I didn't realize is that my golden child sister is now the narcissist. We fell out in a huge dramatic ordeal and she has not spoken a word to me in two years. While I do not deny the part I played, I have already offered an apology. It's such a relief to know that not appeasing her is the best course of action.
Ahh I could have written this myself.. it is impossible to unsee what you see. The peace in knowing you no longer have to deal with it all is priceless...
Dr Ramani, your videos and what you teach is better than in person therapy. This is by far one of the most informative videos I’ve watch from you.
Needed to hear this today. Thank you.
I makes me sad because they mimic our experience. Where we really are a victim of abuse and neglect, they take that experience for themselves and make themselves a victim instead. It leaves a person feeling like a crazy narc when we aren’t either.
My heart goes out to those who are affected by this behavior, but as someone who is living with this in real-time, take care of you. That is their choice and you have your choice. Be good to you.
Dr. Ramani, if only you knew how helpful your channel has been in waking me up to be able to label what I have been subjected to for years.
This video - particularly the segment regarding manipulation - was spot on with regard to how a narcissist studies and gathers data in order to later manipulate. You reference those in relationships (marriage, boyfriend & girlfriend, fiancé/fiancée). However I appreciate that you also remember those of us who are subjected to it by family members (uncles, aunts, parents,...).
Thank you for what you do, for your channel and your help.
Oh great, a long one! The background is beautiful. Just appreciating it because I am an artist. Thank you, Dr Ramani😊
Spot on Dr. Ramani, thank you! Good grief people, we all have a right to live a life of joy and happiness, it is our birthright! Get out of these toxic relationships, they never change! I finally got out of a thirty something year marriage after finally gathering the strength to live alone. Still healing, but I am very happy not to wake up with him in my face. Some of his favorite sayings and reactions were: I know you better than you know yourself, can you get to point, you're too sensitive, you always have something to bitch about (after I asked him to sell an old car taking up space on our driveway for years and I had to park on the street), as usual, I don't know what I'm talking about, must be nice to have free time to get my nails done, if I apologized for being late, he'd snap back that I was always late, he loved starting fights in the car (like his toxic parents used to do), if he asked me to do something, (and I didn't drop everything to do it), he'd say, never mind, I'll do it myself...at least that way I know it will get done, he'd start a fight, and then give me the silent treatment...me being the naive bimbo I was years ago, would have make up sex with him just to make it all better (for a day or so). I married my father (he wasn't this bad of a person). You can not fix these damaged people EVER! I tell people now I'm so happy living with my 3 rescue cats, that they don't bark at me or tell me I need to lose 35 pounds (like you'd think he was talking about the weather). Pay attention to the red flags when you meet them, then run, don't walk! Life is too short! Be happy and love yourself, first and foremost!
Great topic covered in this one today. Bravoooo
Dr Ramani, Your Counsel has SAVED MY REALITY & MY HAPPY LIFE IS BACK!
Thanks, Kindly!
🙏🏻💛🕊🍃