I had a first date which went so badly, I paid the whole bill after the gentleman excused himself to the bathroom. He came back and continued to tell me how I should be conducting myself, and that I was not to speak to him as an equal, because men are the head of the family. (We weren't related. We had no kids together.) I kept it cool, smiled, listened attentively for the next half hour or so. At the end of the meal, he asked for the check and the waitress informed him that 'the lady has already paid.' He lost it. In public. It was amazing. It was the most enjoyment I'd gotten out of that date the entire night. No regrets. Best $80.00 I've ever spent on a guy I wasn't related to. 10/10 recommend.
Good for you! Be careful of men who twist what Bible leadership is, and are egotistical. Jesus never behaved this way, and the leadership He demonstrated was a humble, sincere, sacrificial, service-oriented leadership “He amongst you who wants to be the greatest, must be your servant”. There are many men who claim to be Christian, who are anything but, and you can smell the bitterness, insecurity, bad intentions, selfishness, and silly ego on them from a mile away.
Number 14: If there is any sign of abuse, like uncontrolled anger, disrespect, put-down's, etc. RUN!! Don't call him out on it. Just leave (safely) and block him. All abuse starts small and escalates. It won't get better, it's not your fault, and you can't fix him!!
And it DEFINITELY doesn't mean anything about you, not even if they're "trying" to be "better" for you -- it's nothing more than a damn manipulation tactic on their end (even if they don't consciously know it themselves). Respect YOURSELF; you'll have way more respect than he can ever give you.
Sam Vaknin said: "100 years ago women had casual sex twice in life time. Today women have casual sex twice a year, men 6 times a year. He said teenagers are not dating at all today, to know each other´s interests, and know each other intimately, the hobbies etc. They just follow trends. he said it changed with teenagers within 10 years....while in previous centuries such big change with teenagers dating would take 100 years....like exchanging interests and innocent form of dating full of acceptance and friendhip and respect etc. so the media caused it. evenn teenagers dont date in normal fashion. if media can cause such big chgange in 10 years, why people blame only one gender. We have to stop feeling brainwashed by corporatiosn and media who spread crazy trends about looks, and beauty and perfection. Perfection doesn´t exist in long term relatiosnhips and teenagrers learn the unwanted patterns from adults and wrong media. Asa Sam Vaknin said just in 10 years the teenagers changed so much that such big change would take minimally 100 years. I like celebrities looks and talents, but if liking the cellebs creates such great change in the world, maybe we should start seeing value in other things. Not compete about who looks better in make up and who doesnt. Nobody is dating in healthy way so nobody has a real relationship, or maybe only 20 percent have healthy relaltionship, because they are dating and knowing each other intimately and emotional intimacy, and knowing each other interests, and not having sex early. People should be inspired by the old generation, where they were dating just to know each other.
You had a father???? Lol. I didn't. And Mom didn't bring home a winner til third time out. By then I was 18. But. I told myself i wanted a guy like him. He is awesome.
The only things is, I was a secure high value woman until I met the wrong man who destroyed everything I built in myself. Every woman needs to listen to this video. ❤
If you were high value you would have let him go right away, before he destroyed you. Not saying this 2 hurt you, been there done that, but we only accept if we don't have high values.
@@Liz-dragon-street. He is a Dismissive avoidant. He came on strong with the love bombing. Everything was great. Slowly, things changed and the push/pull, hot/cold started- then the intermittent reinforcement. It’s a very hard cycle to get out of. They hook you and trap you.
@@prettybird7597totally right - it doesn’t mean you’re not high value if someone deceives you! It just shows how deeply you’ve loved someone and that’s beautiful - you’ve gained a lot of wisdom now for the future to make the right choice x
Don’t listen to people who claim that if a man treats his mother well he’ll treat you well. Plenty of cultures have a “respect your elders“ mentality, which doesn’t mean he will treat you well. How the father treats the mother is the template for how he will treat you. In one toxic relationship, he was very respectful toward his mother, but treated his girlfriends in the same toxic way his father treated his mother. Including cheating.
@@justsomerandomhomie1794 Here's a better perspective so you could understand, most if not all men look up to their fathers as their role model, right? Meaning usually they'll mimic and pick up on the fathers habits and whatnot throughout the years (again, not the case with everyone, but it's what happens usually). When a child grows up in an environment where something wrong is being done all the time (in this case mistreatment of a woman), they'll grow thinking that is how it should be. Yes, people can choose a different path and realize that it's wrong once they gain more knowledge, but learned habits passed on from generations is pretty hard to unlearn, this is proven through the existence of generational trauma. So with all that in mind, I believe what they were trying to say is that you're more LIKELY to get an accurate impression of the guy through observing how his father treated/treats his mother, rather than looking at how the guy treats his mother.
14· Men aren't idiots. When he does something unfair/ manipulative to you & act like- *"What happened? Why are you overreacting? What have I done?"* -HE KNOWS EXACTLY WHAT THE F**K HE HAS DONE TO YOU!!!!! 🤷🏽♀️ 🎀 Edit: To all the people who are feeling relatable & dropping their comments below- _I'm sorry you had to go through this. I love y'all. You'll be with much better people than those trashy idiots!!!!! I love you, once again 💗✨ you deserve everything_ 👑🌸
Thanks, @@MM-em6ly! Here are my recap: 1. Value and respect yourself. 2. Never try hard. Emphasis on hard. Both must put in the effort. 3. Know when to believe him or not. Does his words match his actions? 4. Good guy will not risk losing you. He will make mistake but you shouldn't be mad all the time. 5. No one is too busy to reply within 48 hours 6. He should pay for the first date. You can offer. 7. You can not change him. You can only decide how you will react. 8. Chemistry is overrated. You need to be attracted but having the same value and able to communicate is also important. 9. Don't play it cool. Show him you like him and what you want in the relationship. 10. Be with a man who will bring out the best in you. 11. Guy who lose interest and comes back is not really interested. 12. Always address red flags. 13. His best behavior is in the first week / month. If it's already bad, run! *Also must watch: Why You Should DETACH from the Man You Want
3 good signs I’ve learned is: - If he makes you a better person (challenges your thinking, helps you break a bad habit etc) - If you can resolve a fight well and both feel closer afterwards - Your closest friends like him (and if they don’t, you should really listen)
@@justsomerandomhomie1794 Agreed…Some friends are quick to judge your significant other out of jealousy, especially when the natural shift happens where you spend more time with your boyfriend than with them. It’s only natural-after all, I’m not going to spend eternity with my best friend. My boyfriend has become my best friend, now fiancé, and soon-to-be husband. My 'bestie' was gone like the wind.
@@11wittykittiescongrats, wishing you many happy blessed years with your new husband. Sounds like one of those "not all men" guys, so serious congrats.
@@bwingbwinggwiyomi Wow, that’s so thoughtful of you! I really appreciate the kind words. Thank you! I hope you find your person who lifts you up, and if you already have, I hope you stay strong, committed, and surrounded by love.
The funny thing is, i chose the guy i was not as attracted to because he seemed like a great guy. And he was really nice for a while before being literally abusive and emotionally manipulative. After that, i decided that i cant even trust a guy's actions anymore. He was lovely, until he wasnt. My number one advice for all women and girls out there is to always ALWAYS trust your gut. Especially if it's usually right. My gut kept telling me he was a red flag and i kept picking up on very subtle signs he was a red flag but i convinced myself i was overanalysing everything. Words and actions can be misleading. Your gut is right 9 times out of 10.
@tutupu27 the subtle signs I ignored were me saying that in my opinion when you're angry, it's best to take some time off, relax, and react to the situation when you're sure you won't make rash decisions that could end up hurting people, while he believed that when you feel an emotion you should feel it 100% and not hold back for the sake of others. That mentality lead to him chocking me out one time when he got mad at me and then trying to gaslight me into believing that it was well deserved and totally okay and that if I hadn't made a mistake which led to him being angry, nothing would've happened.
@@Anonymous-ev3rl wow that sounds like my abusive and manipulative elder sister, blocked her for the same reason of physical violence and manipulation. Wish you healing, love and support, you got this❤
@user-gs1et6sx4k thank you so much. I'm sorry you have a family member like that. It's awful to not feel comfortable and safe around your own family. I'm glad you chose your mental health first and did what you had to do to gain some distance from her. You should be proud of yourself for choosing YOU first. It's not an easy thing to do🫶🏻
i don't agree , most of the time its ether just a compliment or you did something he appreciated. depending on the context or circumstances it could be a lack of confidence too.
Oh they would. Bad guy, manipulator, liar, most of them aren't very clever or intelligent. We're doing half of their jobs because of expectations, loneliness, growing up with bad role models, trauma, etc...
#12: It is not your job to get him to like you or make the relationship work. SOOO many women do this, resulting in many men getting all their needs perpetually met, just wandering from woman to woman. I've had men test me like that on the first date. They bail straight away after realizing I'm not a Pleaser. If it's not 50/50, it's not worth it to me.
@@jimrahjames5277 Equal effort to understand, communicate, negotiate, sacrifice. Both performing childcare tasks and taking care of the house. Many men expect women to do most if not all the work. They look for wives who are in constant "winning him over" mode then just coast. There are so many women like this that these men can jump from one to another while dating or while married to one partner after another. Men don't tend to lead with love the way women do. These pleaser women mean well, but end up throwing all women collectively under the bus by enabling the moocher men. And what I mean by that is that anytime a women stands behind a man who is not worthy she is literally making life easier for him to go out there and create more havoc.
I love that this channel teaches girls to let go of men who are treating them poorly. Instead of teaching girls "how to get back a man's interest.... and set yourself up for a miserable life" 🤦🤷❤️
@@nalublackwater9729 just a friendly tip: if you mean “for everyone”, you’d be better off saying “Or everyone should lower their standards.” You’d still be wrong since we’re talking women with crippling self-worth here, but at least you wouldn’t be singling them out.
I'm glad that none of these is "all men suck." Which is what a lot of fathers, mine included, DO tell their daughters. The problem is--if your daughter takes this seriously and really believes it--it can lead to staying with a bad man. Because no matter how badly he treats her, there won't seem point in leaving because she thinks that any other man would be the same.
If a father tells his daughter that all men suck, what kind of man is that father? Good men are rare because they have to go against what society tells them men are. And even a maverick or iconoclast can have it wrong. Look for the sober, courageous, kind and just. I'm a man who strives to be those things, and I can't be the only one.
This is so true. I was raised this way and it caused me to be accepting of bad treatment because I assumed “they’re men. It won’t get much better than this” I am still unlearning this
0:51 yes maybe? 1:50 women that don’t try hard will always have more success 2:43 know when to believe him and when not to 3:56 he will never risk losing you 4:53 nobody is too busy to reply 5:23 if he doesn’t insist to pay for first date 6:45 you cannot change him 7:35 chemistry is overrated 8:25 do not play it cool 9:19 you deserve someone who brings out the best in you 9:50 playyaaaa 10:18 always address red flags 11:24 you get the best at the start
Honestly, I'm a guy and I really needed to hear this advice too. I didn't have very good mentors growing up, so I had very low self esteem as a kid and would settle for anyone who gave me any kind of attention, even if that attention was predatory and abusive in nature. I was an easy target for those with bad intentions, and ended up in some unhealthy relationships that made my mental health deteriorate even more. If my parents told me all the things he mentioned in his video, my life would have been so different, and it would have saved me from a lot of pain and heartache.
People who grew up in a dysfunctional family situation will mistake familiarity for chemistry. I did, over and over again. Once I realised my father had definite narcissisitc characteristics I was able to detect them in other people. My entire world changed.
Same thing happened to me. My mother is very self centered and my father just puts up with it. Whenever I tried to date someone it always ended up being all about them, my needs would be ignored, they would be all talk and create a bunch of broken promises, they ignored the fact that I was unhappy, they would try to guilt trip me whenever I tried to change the way things were going, and the second I needed them they would run away and leave me alone to deal with all the shit. But, once i recognized what my parents were doing to me, things really started to change for me. I could pick out how they were affecting me emotionally, what little things they did that really messed me up, and I was able to become proactive about keeping how they treat me at bay. Unfortunately, it came at the cost of my ability to trust people. I haven't dated since, so I can't say how it's changed my relationships yet, and I'm still working on how to define my boundaries with other people. If you were to strip away all the emotional baggage and all the warped shapes my personality has been twisted into by other people - I'm certain that I would have been one confident bad ass genius who would've accomplished waaaaaay more. But, instead, I became an overly complicated handicapped anxiety riddled weirdness and I haven't got much of anything to show for all the stress I've gone through. I'm probably going to be spending the rest of my life just peeling away all the shit that's been dumped onto me, and rebuilding my life from below the bottom and up.
Sam vaknin has a great yt channel on cluster b personalities. My ex was borderline and she turned me into a narcissist for a while. Cluster b is weird cause nobody fits 100% in one diagnosis, its more like a sprinkle of this and a dash of that.
@@Rin-ig3ci it only seems that way in the beginning. Therapy will help a lot, meditation and sport. Creating art and expressing your emotions through it does help too. Oh, and actually cutting off all toxic relationships that continue to have bad influence on you, so you can actually heal and stop being in survival mode is number 1 step. It 💯 will get better if you work on it, trust me
12. When you call out his bs, be sure to do it *in the moment* it happens- instead of keeping it to yourself forever. I made the mistake of holding things I didnt like to myself until he made me mad for another reason and it would make me look like the silly one for "bringing unrelated" things up
it's not silly to bring it up later. that guy just blamed you for your reaction, which is manipulative. you aren't, and were never the problem in that sense.
Same here! And he considers his daughter a failure for not being married and judges her for turning down incompatible partners saying that she is incapable of having a relationship 🫥 Why would I want to rush to marriage when all my life I have seen a mother sad and submissive, while she was being cheated on 🫥
@@PlayGrow410 When my mom found out my father was cheating she dumped his ass, I was a little over a year old, she found out that he not only cheated, he also had himself a secret family with a daughter who wasn't even biologically his own. Eventually, that too ended in a divorce. But she wasn't the first and certainly wasn't the last. His life has been a series of cheating and divorcing. So, in a way I kinda get what you mean, and how that feels.
I remember at age 17 I was considering dating a much older man who told me over the phone that it was normal for men to have affairs while married ....that conversation was the end of any future with that guy
My last partner kept saying 'I don't deserve you.' I would respond, 'say that again and I'll believe you!' That always seemed to throw him off guard. I kept telling him to just say he's lucky he's found me or that he's grateful for particular things, but he never made that switch. We eventually broke up because he wanted less than what I did in our relationship. I wish him the best, but I really had to make the calls he was refusing to make himself. It sucks when guys realize they don't like you that much, and instead of making it clear or stating the obvious, they wait for the other person to do those things for them.
Sounds familiar. I did that once. My fear of being or staying alone and not finding anyone else was immense. And breaking someone's heart especially when they treated us with love and kindness made it very difficult for me. In retrospective, the kind act had been to say no and leave as soon as I knew it wasn't right for me. I hope this gives you some insights
Too similar, that person always said to me, I don't deserve you and sometimes in a demeaning way said," You are giving me peace in my life and nothing else". I wasn't sure what I should give him other than that 😂 Always avoided me being seen infront of his so called friends as if I was committing something wrong with him. I couldn't understand him. I didn't know what was the boundary of fun and serious conversations. A serious conversation was fun for him. Literally, I decided to end things. However, I felt guilty in doing so, doubted myself multiple times for being rude. But in the end, I think my decision was right for me.
Honestly, I'm a guy, and I really needed to hear this advice, too. I didn't have good mentors growing up, so I had very low self-esteem and would settle for anyone who gave me any kind of attention, even if that attention was predatory and abusive in nature. I was an easy target for those with bad intentions and ended up in some unhealthy relationships that made my mental health deteriorate even more. If my parents told me all the things you mentioned in your video, my life would have been so different, and it would have saved me from a lot of pain and heartache.
@LovelyHorizons Thank you. You guys are so sweet. This is really good advice and definitely would have saved me from a lot of heartache if I knew my worth from a young age. So many young people would benefit from hearing this message.
During the first date with my partner we had a (jokingly) argument over who would pay. I told him I had invited, so i should pay, he insisted I was "way above his league" and he should pay as "compensation" for my time. We ended up splitting the bill. Lovely man, terribly low self esteem
@@DeluluBoi1515 isn't it obvious? I've never been in a relationship before buy watching them go and having friend speak about such problems... it's always clear but i suppose not when you're in it
@@rachelreii5952 He IS very insecure, but the commitment thing was all wrong. Dude was terribly anxious and didn't want to fuck up by accident, giving him a chance he never disappointed me
People say men are straight forward and women are "the complicated ones" but it's not true. Men play their own mind games with each other, AND with their partners, because everybody does that. Everybody has wounds, everybody has truths they can not face. That will always lead to covering up the truth or lying, in healthy people too. People get so caught up in stereotypes, but we're all people. Different flavours of people, but people.
My bf, male friend and brother confirmed that. You wouldn't expect it at first, but there are gossip chats, behind the back attitudes and often problems in emotional regulation and judgement of consequences concerning emotional input into a relationship of any kind. Men are no different from people in general. We all aren't perfect and have our complicated sides, but people who think that it is only women have never known men or themselves good enough.
My ex got a matching tattoo with me, said he wants a future with me, traveled to another state regularly to see me and was still just pretending with me. For what? Why are they like this? Wish i had a dad like this
Some people love to have secondary sources of narcissistic fuel. Mind you, we all have a degree of narcissism (without ever developing a disorder), so maybe he enjoyed your loving attention and devotion. To some, one person is not enough. Any way, you're NOT to blame in any scenario.
Not all men are like this but some have mental dysorders like narcissism and that is why. However, I never heard everyone has a bit of narcissism in them. I'm not sure that is true. Research it. Research narcissism, because knowledge can save you from a lot of bad relationships. They play manipulation games and that's a very sick thing to do, it makes you confused and question yourself. They slowly undermine your self-esteem with these manipulation games and with constant criticism. They are also very controlling and want to isolate you so that you have noone to turn for help and you are completely under their thumb. They also have anger management issues and can be dangerous. It's very important to learn to recognize them and avoid them.
I started to learn to believe what a man says after 20 years 🥴. One said to me with a smirk when we first met "I like to just sit on the couch watching tv all the time" but he was always active, it seemed to me. Then we moved in together and yep that is all he wanted to do. Couldn't even get him to go to the movies. Another one said to me while laughing, "I'm crazy". I mean people say disparaging things about themselves all the time, and most of the time they are exaggerating. Well, if a guy says he is crazy believe him 😵💫
@@Optimally_healthy5831 I've definitely learned to believe them when they say stuff like this instead of the usual being like, "Oh no you aren't, don't be silly" or something to that effect.
be slow when getting to know a guy but quick to get out if he shows bad behavior. I love this. I hate it when the women who stuck by them get left behind broken in pieces.
Hey! You said "be slow". My ex was trying to get me for 3 months but I was just so confused. But at the end I decided to give him a chance. It's not like I had interest on some other guy. I thought he was a nice guy. I thought he actually liked me. But when I proposed, after some days I got to know that he cheated. Is that my fault that I took time to know him? Did he cheat because of me?
@@nishthahere_ If by "proposed" you mean you asked him for a date, then he didn't "cheat" on you in the meantime, because you weren't exclusive yet. A man as well as a woman can date mulitple partners as long as they are not exclusive. At any rate, nothing what another person does is ever your fault if you didn't plan for it. I wish you best of luck in finding someone better.
@@Tim666-o5n no actually the thing was...he knew I loved him...and by proposed i meant that I told him about my feelings after 3 months...I told him everything after being confident...and yes even I think he didn't cheat...he just lost interest and gained it from someone else. But it hurts because once he was all mine..
This is the BEST advice I ever heard from anyone! it's so true; he treats you badly, then leave. Trust his words. If he says, "you're not my girlfriend', or doesn't seem to care two hoots about you, just go. Wait for a man that makes you his priority in life. i have a friend who believes, if the man comes back after 3 months of absence, all will go forward well. That's not true at all. As Brian said: it just means he hasn't found someone else. The same shitty way he treated you, will happen again..
You’re so right! I will add that the right guy will get interested in your hobbies. My fiancé bought a sewing machine to learn how to sew because I’m a costume designer and sewing is my passion. He and I now go to ren fairs every year in costumes we work on together! He’s the first guy who’s ever shown interest in my hobbies, let alone joined in. I’m so lucky I found him! ❤
Did he have his own hobbies before you got together? Anything you resonated with that he’s into? There needs to be a balance , otherwise he sounds like a beta man (feminine.)
I'm 26 and had enough, relationships traumatized me so much. I'm the type of person who's always stay true to my words so it hurts so much when their actions don't match their words. It's tiring. I'm choosing myself now. I'd rather be alone than being hurt again.
I was done by 36 and I should have been done at 26 or actually never started. You are doing the best thing. Honestly if I want some romance to think on there are books for that
I'm 37, single mother of a girl, and I'm now terrified of men. I know there are good ones, obviously, but I have absolutely no clue how to actually meet one.
Being single is valid too. You're not legally required to be in a relationship. And if you are your own best company, you'll never be alone. Besides, there are cats. Or dogs, if you prefer.
Thank you I was iffy if this video would be helpful. After hearing it out half way I was nodding to it. This comment just makes me feel it has more credibility. So thank you,
Dear Brian, I'm a 22-year-old girl who lost his father at the age of 10. I'm so happy to hear your kind advice as a father. I really like that you clearly explain the mindset of men.😊❤ Thank you
I was brought up by an abusive, narcissistic mother who made me a scapegoat. She destroyed any self esteem I had. She never once said I was pretty. If anyone complimented me she tore down the compliment. No guy was ever interested in me. If any were friendly to me, I wondered why and I was scared of them. When I did get married, he started out nice, but showed his true colours and was abusive. Spent 20 years before I could financially. Leave. I am a senior now, single, and know I will never know a truly loving relationship. Narcissistic mothers destroy their daughter's lives.
I'm so sorry 😢 please focus on healing all of your trauma because when you dont work on healing your trauma it will affect you all the time, don't let this ruin your life! You are worthy of happiness, respect and love and also remember to be careful, cautious and love yourself❤
May the Lord Jesus shine His light into your life, may He remove your pain from your heart and give you healing and His grace and mercy. The bible tells us that Jesus loves and cares for us. May the loving Savior bless your life , may He bring happiness to your heart, Amen 🙏
As a person with narcissistic mother and a dysfunctional family, I can feel your whole story on a deep level. Hope you're working on your trauma to heal them so that you can enjoy your life to the fullest and have happiness and hope you get everything you deserve. Much love sis
@I.5832 Sorry for your pain. This is how it went for me except that it was my dad and brothers that messed with my head. My mother is a wonderful human, bless her heart.
Having a toxic father taught me everything I need to know about bad men. 😸 Same goes for friends. It helps to remember that what makes a bad friend also tends to make a bad partner. Remember all those toxic friends from high school and lookout for those passive aggressive, entitled attitudes in guys that might seem subtle, but end up being very significant.
A class comment! I judge everyone under the category of relationships, there might be more criteria when it's a sexual relationship vs friendship but people can rarely switch so fast.
Struggled a lot with guys saying one thing but their actions not matching up at all. I’ve been told “you deserve better than me” and “I’m not ready for a relationship” while they were still flirting with me and such…it’s confusing (esp when I like them back) but I gotta trust they mean it when they say this…thanks Brian. Your explanation on both guys makes sense. Emotionally mature guys would never risk losing me if they truly cared about me!
You are correct in their immaturity, but they are true in their words! So there are two things likely going on (Do not take my words as truth, but I am... likely on a right track 😅) 1. They do like you, and wish to be with you 2. They are feeling insecure in their abilities to be with you Two things that conflict each other. If this is the case, give them the time and space to mature. They need to develop their abilities and stability in life. I think that you stepping away from them, telling you are not going to date people who are insecure like this, is a good thing for both you and them, even if their initial reaction might be to get upset (of course, they lose out on a person they found interest in, so let them be upset about that and don't blame them) Eventually they will develop their strengths and be ready to make one truly happy. That is when the words "a real men would not risk losing the one he loves" come into play. I wish you a fine day 👍
If they say that " you deserve someone better than me" then believe it and block him permanently and create separation with him permanently and you can start dating new person 😌 simple
@@yougotOWENd no one has time to wait around and play mother... what were these men doing prior to meeting her? If he had held out for the right one and focused on himself & built his life, instead of chaisng after any low hanging fruit that would cope with him, he wouldnt end up punishing the woman who is actually right for him and spent her preceeding years productively.this is what happens when you have 0 impulse control & priorities, you end up settling because you let the right one get away. The only thing he has on ofer at this point is wasting hertime. Not just that, if she relents & sidesteps all of this to entertain his advances and force it to work, he will have less and less respect for her and by the time the results of thisn"maturing" has happened, his eyes will start to wander. This woman who was onceIT, her worth will soon diminish sticking around. He will start thinking he can do better
Also, make yourself *very* familiar and aware of the early signs of abuse (physical and emotional). Emphasis on "early". Women that have gotten beaten by their husbands weren't getting beaten when they first started dating (well maybe some did 🤷♀️).....but just be quick to notice and don't overlook the signs. Like, him being controlling, him trying to isolate you from your friends/family, him having a serious/horrible temper, uncontrollable anger even over tiny little things. Notice the way he treats you in an argument (its normal to argue), but he still should not be treating you badly or insulting you even when he is angry with you. The list goes on. Just be careful.
This advice absolutely applies to young men, too. I often told my sons to take time to know her. They did and each of them are now happily married to a wonderful woman.
The third reason applies for friendships too, when you're the only one keeping the friendship alive, making conversation, but people only remember you and contact you when they need your help. And I have friends which sometimes we don't communicate for months, but when we contact each other again, we pick up right where we left off, so that's no excuse either. Life is hard enough, it's better not to waste your energy on someone who only remembers you when they need something.
I'm almost 34, and embarrassed I've never dated, nor been asked out. I didn't put myself out there, cos ... trauma. yay. anyways, this is great - pls do make a "Dear Imaginary Daughter" series.
I recently turned 35 and I've never dated as well. I also did not try and focused on school and work. I'm quiet/reserved and get nervous/guarded around most people due to some bad experiences. You're not alone, for sure.
Be kind, be courteous, be observant, don't be a people pleaser, be willing to walk away with red flags. Stay true to yourself bc what you settle for is what you are going to get stuck with.
"If he's a good guy you will not need to get angry to establish a boundary. But be mindful: not everything can be a boundary" hit hard! I do have a father but these tips were really helpful. Thank you so much! ❤
Number 9 is so so important. People pretend & play it cool & keep it casual instead of being clear about what it is they want & making sure the other person wants the same things as them. Stop walking on tiptoes & sparing people's feelings guys.
After being married for nearly forty years, my sister-in-law suddenly found herself widowed 3 years ago. She has been in an on again - off again relationship for the past 6 months and struggling to find her way back into the singles scene. I sent her this video and she just called me and said that EVERYTHING you said was "spot on" with what has been going on with the guy she's been seeing. She had been slowly putting two and two together and realizing maybe he wasn't what he was making himself out to be after all, but that the video went a long way in proving and solidifying in her heart and mind that she made the right choice by calling it quits. Thanks so much for sharing your expertise. I hope more women will see this and take heed of the red flags before it's too late.
Honestly, I'm a guy and I really needed to hear this advice too. I didn't have very good mentors growing up, so I had very low self esteem as a kid and would settle for anyone who gave me any kind of attention, even if that attention was predatory and abusive in nature. I was an easy target for those with bad intentions, and ended up in some unhealthy relationships that made my mental health deteriorate even more. If my parents told me all the things he mentioned in his video, my life would have been so different, and it would have saved me from a lot of pain and heartache.
Same. But honestly I've always struggled (and still struggling) with self esteem so I never ever have asked out a girl even when I was interested because I know that as I am right now, if I cant learn to love myself, how can I love and care for another person? Still praying and trying to be a better person and find a woman fit for me that I can love and will love me
@@spikejonzelover420 A decent human being recognizes they could be making mistakes without realizing it. I already don't make the mistakes listed in the video, but I'd be self-centered to think I am always avoiding every mistake there is out there a guy can make. People are fallible, and you're not as perfect as you think either. Maybe listening to people from experience might help you recognize that.
I'm a man and I like doing this a lot. I agree with most of what you said and most criticism I could think of are non-issues if you do other things you mention. For example not "playing it cool" will nullify any good reason for the guy to pull away if he thinks you don't like him. I do think that making a distinction between dating and relationship advice would a good idea. I find good dating advice is often terrible relationship advice and vice versa. I would also like to add a few things as relationship advice. 1. How seriously he takes promises, if he avoids making promises he doesn't know he can't keep that's good, if he throws them out like candy that's concerning. 2. It's good if he tells you what you need to hear instead of what you want to hear. If he blindly affirms everything you say, do, or think, that doesn't mean he agrees, he's just scared to disagree, he doesn't care if you get hurt, or will say whatever he needs to get in your pants. 3. He may not care about things you care about, but he shouldn't invalidate things you care about. 4. Most relationship problems can be solved using communication, if they can't then you'll realize you may need to end the relationship. It doesn't make either of you bad people, it just meant you're not compatible.
Yes, I felt that one. I'm spiritual and was with an atheist for four years. He not only belittled my core religious beliefs, but made a point of mocking me for them.
Glad I found another man here…I am a guy too and this video was recommended to me, I don’t know why but it had some pointers I could share with my cousin sister and one of my friend who went through a toxic relationship recently.
4 is also true in friendships. I parted ways with them because I don’t fit with what they’re doing(and I also don’t like that they talk to other people often).
i'm 27. i don't have a father, i have never been on a date & i've never kissed a guy before either. i closed myself from dating since i was 14, 2 years ago i finally allowed myself to open up. thank you for finally being the answer to the questions & worries i had about men. maybe someday when god thinks i'm ready, he'll bring my love to me. ❤
ever heard of an enmeshed narcissist mother-son due ? treating each other like husband and wife ? witnessing that from a distance can totally mislead you
@@mashoba927 See? That's totally a red flag. Do NOT marry that man with the mother-obsession. But a son who treats his mother with RESPECT is a keeper.
And be very aware of the opposite kind of mother issues. If he expresses any kind of generalized bitterness, spite, or anger toward his mom - tread very carefully. If she is alive and they have little/no contact (opposite extreme from the TOO MUCH above)... you need to know the history & how much he's put into working thru that baggage. If he has some self awareness about it & can communicate their issues in healthy ways, etc... That's one thing. If you've been together more than a couple months & he doesn't want to talk about it... if he makes biting little comments about her, but then he shuts down on the subject, or glosses it over if you ask questions >>> That is NOT okay. You will inevitably remind him of her, by virtue of being female... and you don't have the "untouchableness" of his mom mentally or physically. This includes men who's fathers were abusive & their Mom did not protect/remove the child(ren).
I think it's important to stress that abusive mothers do exist, and your partner may have good reason to treat his or her mother in a way that may seem strange to you. To pressure your partner into treating their mother differently, just for you, is incredibly disrespectful to them. It completely disregards their lived experience and their atonomy. Please don't do that. You should still pay close attention to it though, because it provides a lot of insight into how your partner handles difficult or destructive relationships. Ask yourself: * How is it affecting *your* relationship? Does your partner become emotional when they are reminded of their mother? If so, what emotion does it conjure? Anger? Sadness? Fear? And to what degree? Do you feel like you're walking on egg-shells? Does it ruin your time together? If so, that might be an indicator that your partner is not in a good place for a relationship. It doesn't neccesarily mean they're a bad person, but they need help that you are unable to provide. You should talk to them about it, but if it doesn't seem things can or will improve, it's probably best for both of you to break up. * *Do* they talk to you about it? Please note that "No" is a valid answer here. Your partner does have the right to some privacy. It really depends on how much it affects your relationship. You have a right to expect some insight if it's having an effect on your time together, or if your partners behavior makes you uncomfortable in other ways (ex. they treat themselves or others poorly). But if your partner is not acting destructive, they do not owe you an explaination. Opening up about that kind of thing is a choice they should be allowed to make on their own. If they don't want to talk about it, respect that choice. In time they might open up about it, but not always, and that's OK. Respect their privacy, and remember that you have a right to privacy, too. An analogy: Keep your cards on the table where you both you and your partner can see them. It's OK if some of them are facing down. * If they do talk to you about it, *how* do they talk about it? Patricia mentioned biting comments with no deeper insight, and that is indeed a red flag! Bitterness, resentment, and an overwhelming focus on what your partner feels they are owed, rather than what they have learned from their bad experiences is a really bad sign. This I would say might very well be an indicator of how they will treat you in the future, and how they will talk about you to others once you break up, which will hopefully be soon. (Conversely, if it's something they don't talk much about, it might be an indicator that they don't like speaking ill of others, which is _generally_ a good thing.) However, if they talk about it maturely, with a healthy amount of self-relection, an appeal to principled behavior, healthy boundaries and respect, you might just have a keeper =) Edit: Oh and it should go without saying, but just to be clear: if your partner treats their mother outright horribly, abusing them verbally or physically whenever they meet, all bets are off. I don't care what the history is. Two wrongs don't make a right.
The thing is my dad would always say very kind things about his mother (he even gave me this exact piece of advice). However, he was really mean to me, my mom, and my sisters. He would call me a bitch and threaten to “throw me to the streets” over little things. He would also force me to hug him whenever he came home and would guilt trip me if I didn’t. Maybe he’s an exception to the rule, but I don’t think a guy’s relationship to his mother always means something.
Actual crying because I’m watching this on Father’s Day and I’m feeling all the loving father energy from you that I have never received. Thank you for your fatherly wisdom. I love you imaginary father ♥️
I just got out of my first relationship because we fought so much. He started out sweet and gentle and loving but eventually turned out to be immature and even disrespectful. It hurt because he did have a good heart but revealed who he was in the blink of an eye. It's hard to leave when there's still love for each other but you know it's not gonna work out. thank you for your advice
@@lissiemanalo7908 omg love it’s been two months IT GETS BETTER he moved on to someone new and I’ve been taking the summer to love myself and I just met someone so sweet long story short YOURE GONNA BE OKAY GORGEOUS 🫶🏼
Wow!! I am married for many years, but your wise advice brought me back to my earlier days and dating. What you said to your imaginary daughter should be shared with all women, young and old.
I am so tired of how social media paints men and relationships..your video sir is one of the good ones, your advice felt positive, felt warm, unlike the cold anger charged ones i see all over the internet. Thank you truly.
I don't think the romantic type of love is special, and I think that the romantic type of love isn't real. More than half of romantic relationships end in a breakup/divorce. Romance seems like an ugly thing. I think humans should just ditch concepts like dating, marriage, and pair bonding. I feel like this world would be a much better place without romance than it is with it. It does seem that nearly all fathers and mothers are hoping that their daughter never dates or get married and remain single for her whole life. Romantic relationships seem like a bad thing since there is a lot of dangers when it comes to them. The overprotective father/mother thing is proof that romantic relationships are a bad thing, and this world would be a much better place without them. If someday that the human race ditches the concept of romance and romantic relationships, and got rid of stuff like dating and marriage, fathers and mothers would be happy about it since they wouldn't ever have to worry about their daughter ever dating if that ever happened.
I got into a conversation like this with my stepdaughter Michelle when she was I think 13, and I told her the same general things as the video, but I stressed to her about how a good man will always respect her as an individual and be a big brother who looks out for her.
Brian: If he says good things like, "I can imagine us staying together forever, I'm falling for you, you are my type, I love you"- Me: aw 🥰 Brian: -do NOT immediately believe him. Me: oh 🥲 These are things that seem obvious, sure, but they can be hard to hear. It's helpful to hear them all at once, and said with such straightforwardness *and* care. I'm very glad I stumbled on this video. Thank you!
yes! I once had a guy tell me for years that he wanted to marry me, he loved me, wanted to be together forever (I wanted to wait because I, we, weren't ready). Years later, the relationship ended because I got fed up with everything being all about him, there was always time for him and his interests but there was never time for me, let alone my interests. - He just proved to me where his priorities were: not with me, just him by himself.
@@Rin-ig3ci I am so sorry you experienced that. It's taken over a year to right myself after my first breakup, and I see some similarities; he said all the right things, told me he wanted to marry me, we'd make it work (ldr), etc. Things began to crack as he chose himself and others more and more, and I don't think I respected myself enough to speak up and maintain boundaries. In the end, he cheated and left me. We tried again, and unfortunately the patterns didn't change. But the cliches and platitudes turn out to be true, and we really do come out better on the other side, don't we? Wiser, kinder to ourselves, and better equipped to help those around us (: I pray you're doing alright now, and even better as time passes. You are precious and worthy of a true, honest, pure love ♡
I never had this kind of talk with my own passed away father. I hope my daughter gets to hear this from her daddy when she grow up. Thank you so much for this.
I wish my mom had had this video. My dad isn't a good man and he didn't instill these values in me when I was growing up, even though he was so hellbent on making sure I knew I would be worthless to the world if I never became a wife and mother :/ it's very healing to hear all this. thank you
The best thing about this video is The instant he decided to talk to his “imaginary daughter” Every thing said felt real and true from the bottom of his heart Am sure every father is the first and best defense for his daughter . . Thankyou Please upload more such videos Waiting for it !!
I'm 27 years old. Never had a relationship before. My father is a drunk and I have very low tolerance for his BS and I'm very quick to call him out on it. The last time it happened, he told me to find a random guy who'd f*** me. Apparently, he thinks I'm overly irritable and getting laid will fix all my problems. A**hole.
Wished my late sister was still around to watch this video,she fell for the wrong man in her teens;sadly took her life at 21 after finding out from one of her friends that her then BF was with another woman 😢 My sis's love was real and he just played with her emotions and feelings,in fact she even dreamt of tying the knot with him one day but he turned her life upside down once he confirmed that he wasn't interested to get into long-term committed relationship hence this led to permanent break-up 😢😢
You've given me more advice on men than I've ever received in 53 years with my own father. Every young girl needs to hear this. (A lot of grown women, too!) Thank you for sharing this valuable insight, which can help a lot of girls. I hope that enough of them are able to see it!
Hi Brian, on the behalf of all your imaginary daughters, I want to genuinely thank you from my heart for this amazing video. I am in my late twenties & would give all these advices to my younger self in a heartbeat. Even though I’ve always been someone who had a decent sense of self worth. Sometimes things DO make you blind and you tend to slip a little no matter how wise you may be. These were all incredible pieces of wisdom ❤ Ladies, do yourself a favour and LISTEN to him. Big Love to all 🫶
Gave this video an instant like them moment when he said "you are amazing" 🧡 The thing about self-respect is so true. If people see that you respect yourself and have high standards, they will respect you too.
My father abandoned me and I self-sabotage out of fear of ending up with someone like him. I needed this video because I never had the privilege of a father giving me this kind of advice.
The most important thing you said is when he does something you don’t like (or doesn’t do something you want), you can’t change him. You can only choose how you respond. Yes!
Good tips, would add that solid men are v upfront about themselves and their lives - not sneaky with vague half-truths, shallow promises they later renege on and then act like it's nothing or deny saying it. They have pride and excellent follow-through, are trying to prove themselves to you (is v sweet and endearing) so you will relax and trust them. Careful when they are more concerned about their feelings rather than yours.
I wish I had a dad like this. But at the same time I don't want to, I learned a lot the hard way and it shaped me the way I am now. So I'd better wish there were more dads like that to teach their sons how to behave themselves with someone else's daughters. And I wish more dads understood the impact they make on their children.
I’m 66 years old and everything you said is valid. You have to be ready to cut them loose when they change or get addictions, cheat, lie, break the law, steal, etc. We had been married so long that I let it go and he did die at 61, doing drugs, etc. in an epic mid life crisis but now I get a widow’s social security benefit that helps quite a bit with this inflation. . No more entanglements for me. I’m totally enjoying being alone.
I've been in a enormously toxic relationship for 5 and a half years. I was 16 when we started dating. Due to my emotionally immature parents I didn't know what a healthy relationship is. Since January I'm starting to feel the freedom and trying to educate myself on what a normal relationship is. Every truth you mentioned in the video was a red flag that I'm realizing just now. It feels horrible.
Its not always that he couldn't find better. sometimes we are easy to judge someone harshly the first time because we all have an unrealistic PERFECT VISIONof what were looking for. Someone who ticks ALL the boxes (not only the most important ones). But, after thinking about them with no time pressure, we become more open to accept someone with all their flaws & give them a chance to get to know them (Goes for both men & women). Speaking from personal experience as a woman
Brian I fully support your idea of starting more imaginary daughter advice videos. Thank you a lot for this one. You told exactly what I thought when my ex, who allegedly wanted to marry me, asked for a pause: if he loves you, he would never, ever risk to loose you. Please, do more videos for your imaginary daughter. God bless.
I came from a very dysfunctional family. Despite my boyfriend at the time showed a lot of red flags, he took me out of that environment, and i wouldn’t have realized it was so toxic. Now my only hurdle - is him. He has similar narcissistic traits just like my mom. He cares a lot about his image - how people perceive him. I get so stunned at making sure im not saying the wrong thing that can hurt his image that i dont say anything at all in groups. I just feel like its my fault. I put myself in this mess and i deserve this. I just feel like I want to kmf. I can’t wait until the day comes.
hey! I just wanted to add a word of support since it seems like you're going through a rough time rn :( remember that just because he's helped you it does not mean that he's the right one for you or even a great person! He wasn't the only one taking you out of bad situations - you are so, so strong for enduring what you did and healing yourself. Don't let him break the pieces of yourself that you've put back together! If you have to walk on eggshells every time you're around him because the smallest things trigger him, then that's not healthy for you. It's not your fault that you've been in a toxic situation and are possibly in one now. It's good that you've learned what toxic traits look like - if you see them in him then trust yourself, because you are a blessing and your gut instincts are blessings! If you're grateful to him for taking you out of a toxic situation before, remember that a lot of people come and go in your life to help you - teach you, love you, show you how to and why you should love yourself - because Someone above/the universe wills it. Even these people leaving your life happens to teach you or show you something. This earth you are on only has good, beautiful things planned for you. Don't let someone else damage your protection of your mind or your peace ❤
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Here's the next video in this "series" if you're interested! th-cam.com/video/D6F3IBpxBkg/w-d-xo.html
Thank you so much for creating and sharing your amazing videos, I really appreciate them!
"Go slow but be quick to leave when he shows he's bad for you" we don’t do this enough
Absolutely. Amen!
women are wired to bond and they attach too quickly before qualifying him.
You REALLY do
We tend to do it the other way around 😕 Going fast but being slow to leave him when he shows he’s bad for us.
@@fcv4616 no you do the opposite
I vote "yes" for more imaginary daughter advice videos.
Me too!
😂
I was just about to write the same thing!
Great one!! Keep up the good work!🌟
I second this!
Yeppers, me too!
I had a first date which went so badly, I paid the whole bill after the gentleman excused himself to the bathroom. He came back and continued to tell me how I should be conducting myself, and that I was not to speak to him as an equal, because men are the head of the family. (We weren't related. We had no kids together.) I kept it cool, smiled, listened attentively for the next half hour or so. At the end of the meal, he asked for the check and the waitress informed him that 'the lady has already paid.'
He lost it.
In public.
It was amazing.
It was the most enjoyment I'd gotten out of that date the entire night. No regrets. Best $80.00 I've ever spent on a guy I wasn't related to. 10/10 recommend.
Good for you! Be careful of men who twist what Bible leadership is, and are egotistical. Jesus never behaved this way, and the leadership He demonstrated was a humble, sincere, sacrificial, service-oriented leadership “He amongst you who wants to be the greatest, must be your servant”. There are many men who claim to be Christian, who are anything but, and you can smell the bitterness, insecurity, bad intentions, selfishness, and silly ego on them from a mile away.
Masterful. 😂
Lol i have paid the entire bill twice . It totally humiliates them
LOOOL
Best ever use of paying the bill as a woman. I'm so done with you I won't even accept your money.
Number 14: If there is any sign of abuse, like uncontrolled anger, disrespect, put-down's, etc. RUN!! Don't call him out on it. Just leave (safely) and block him. All abuse starts small and escalates. It won't get better, it's not your fault, and you can't fix him!!
❤ so true
1010💯💯💯 always true! Abuse always escalated, never the other way around.
And it DEFINITELY doesn't mean anything about you, not even if they're "trying" to be "better" for you -- it's nothing more than a damn manipulation tactic on their end (even if they don't consciously know it themselves). Respect YOURSELF; you'll have way more respect than he can ever give you.
So true! Learned a little late.
Thank you ❤
“Most men do not change.” I want to remember that.
No he's lying y'all and you buying it 😂 L
@@geminirocks1461 to me, most people do not change
Hard to change behaviors, it can be impossible to get someone to change the trash, let alone their manner of being.
"MOST" (not ALL)
No one changes, they grow up. If one realises that they made a mistake, and acts on it, they're dependable. Goes for everyone
“It’s not your primary job to make it go anywhere. Your BIGGEST job is to see if it CAN go somewhere.” Fantastic
Still too much work though. It's like dating is this big chore, not pleasant even, hard to motivate myself to date at all lol.
and the secondary job is when you see that either if it can or can't is to take action, the action that will give you a brighter and happier future
@@AnotherSkyTV you could be aromantic if you feel that way, I'd recommend looking into it :)
@@AnotherSkyTVDating as lovers is a huge step to get married. Not some games or friendship like going out to have some teas.
NEVER, ever chase a man! The right one won’t run. 👍
Such sweeping generalisations are more harmful than useful
@@Hello-hello-hello456 Well, it always worked for me.
@@janetstraw191 So you haven't found the right one then?
@@Hello-hello-hello456 that's not generalizing, that's the truth, and also she didn't say all
Sam Vaknin said: "100 years ago women had casual sex twice in life time. Today women have casual sex twice a year, men 6 times a year.
He said teenagers are not dating at all today, to know each other´s interests, and know each other intimately, the hobbies etc. They just follow trends.
he said it changed with teenagers within 10 years....while in previous centuries such big change with teenagers dating would take 100 years....like exchanging interests and innocent form of dating full of acceptance and friendhip and respect etc.
so the media caused it. evenn teenagers dont date in normal fashion.
if media can cause such big chgange in 10 years, why people blame only one gender.
We have to stop feeling brainwashed by corporatiosn and media who spread crazy trends about looks, and beauty and perfection.
Perfection doesn´t exist in long term relatiosnhips and teenagrers learn the unwanted patterns from adults and wrong media.
Asa Sam Vaknin said just in 10 years the teenagers changed so much that such big change would take minimally 100 years.
I like celebrities looks and talents, but if liking the cellebs creates such great change in the world, maybe we should start seeing value in other things.
Not compete about who looks better in make up and who doesnt.
Nobody is dating in healthy way so nobody has a real relationship, or maybe only 20 percent have healthy relaltionship, because they are dating and knowing each other intimately and emotional intimacy, and knowing each other interests, and not having sex early. People should be inspired by the old generation, where they were dating just to know each other.
I teared up when he said "you are amazing"
My father never told me that. thank you
Mine as well
Same
same 😥
my father was a sick man.
Love to all the daughters and sons of those fathers 💛
Unfortunately you cannot choose family. Do not let it bother you too much.
You had a father???? Lol. I didn't. And Mom didn't bring home a winner til third time out. By then I was 18. But. I told myself i wanted a guy like him. He is awesome.
this assures me that I'm truly in a green flag healthy ass relationship😭😭❤
Im happy for you, coming from someone who will never find love
Yes… same for me, finally, after so many toxic ones 🥹
@@mokakuma7329you will, I have a time machine, I just visited the future and saw it 🤭
Good for you! (Although I seriously also hope you're wise enough to see it for yourself, without needing any validation). 😊
@@mokakuma7329 USSS
The only things is, I was a secure high value woman until I met the wrong man who destroyed everything I built in myself. Every woman needs to listen to this video. ❤
I hope that you are able to slowly heal.... sending love and strength 🤗🕊✨️
If you were high value you would have let him go right away, before he destroyed you.
Not saying this 2 hurt you, been there done that, but we only accept if we don't have high values.
@@Liz-dragon-street. She could have been lied to or gaslit.
@@Liz-dragon-street. He is a Dismissive avoidant. He came on strong with the love bombing. Everything was great. Slowly, things changed and the push/pull, hot/cold started- then the intermittent reinforcement. It’s a very hard cycle to get out of. They hook you and trap you.
@@prettybird7597totally right - it doesn’t mean you’re not high value if someone deceives you! It just shows how deeply you’ve loved someone and that’s beautiful - you’ve gained a lot of wisdom now for the future to make the right choice x
This imaginary dad is better than many dads out there.
Yeah. I wants to telepath through the phone and hug him once limo
@@mymuna4689 I wish you succeed, lots of love
Could be said for a lot of parents in general
@@WilD__EyeS_Official same to you too mate
@@mymuna4689 thanks ❤
Don’t listen to people who claim that if a man treats his mother well he’ll treat you well. Plenty of cultures have a “respect your elders“ mentality, which doesn’t mean he will treat you well. How the father treats the mother is the template for how he will treat you. In one toxic relationship, he was very respectful toward his mother, but treated his girlfriends in the same toxic way his father treated his mother. Including cheating.
correct
So I'll not be affectionate towards my girlfriend simply because my dad wasn't?
@@justsomerandomhomie1794 Here's a better perspective so you could understand, most if not all men look up to their fathers as their role model, right? Meaning usually they'll mimic and pick up on the fathers habits and whatnot throughout the years (again, not the case with everyone, but it's what happens usually).
When a child grows up in an environment where something wrong is being done all the time (in this case mistreatment of a woman), they'll grow thinking that is how it should be. Yes, people can choose a different path and realize that it's wrong once they gain more knowledge, but learned habits passed on from generations is pretty hard to unlearn, this is proven through the existence of generational trauma.
So with all that in mind, I believe what they were trying to say is that you're more LIKELY to get an accurate impression of the guy through observing how his father treated/treats his mother, rather than looking at how the guy treats his mother.
This is so true men will love their moms but hate other Women including their sisters.
@@EnigmaticSloth But it's more than likely not going to be accurate. You shouldn’t judge a guy purely based on his father. You should at least wait.
14· Men aren't idiots. When he does something unfair/ manipulative to you & act like- *"What happened? Why are you overreacting? What have I done?"* -HE KNOWS EXACTLY WHAT THE F**K HE HAS DONE TO YOU!!!!! 🤷🏽♀️
🎀 Edit: To all the people who are feeling relatable & dropping their comments below-
_I'm sorry you had to go through this. I love y'all. You'll be with much better people than those trashy idiots!!!!! I love you, once again 💗✨ you deserve everything_ 👑🌸
❤❤❤
Tbh all these tips including this one help everyone who is dating.
Thisssssss. Whyyy tho?!
omg ive actually noticed this habit on a guy friend of mine,we are no longer friends bc he ghosted me,but this comment just explained why!
God loves you ❤
I wrote the 13 Harsh Truths in my journal so I won’t forgot. Thank you dear imaginary dad.
Good for you! Love that! I’ll do the same, too. Much love ❤️
Thanks, @@MM-em6ly! Here are my recap:
1. Value and respect yourself.
2. Never try hard. Emphasis on hard. Both must put in the effort.
3. Know when to believe him or not. Does his words match his actions?
4. Good guy will not risk losing you. He will make mistake but you shouldn't be mad all the time.
5. No one is too busy to reply within 48 hours
6. He should pay for the first date. You can offer.
7. You can not change him. You can only decide how you will react.
8. Chemistry is overrated. You need to be attracted but having the same value and able to communicate is also important.
9. Don't play it cool. Show him you like him and what you want in the relationship.
10. Be with a man who will bring out the best in you.
11. Guy who lose interest and comes back is not really interested.
12. Always address red flags.
13. His best behavior is in the first week / month. If it's already bad, run!
*Also must watch: Why You Should DETACH from the Man You Want
I need to write that to
Woah I write journals too 😭 it really helps a lot when you're going thru stuffs
@@sudhajalakam3626 Totally! Started writing when I was 15 and 30 years later it turns into scrap/photo/journal 😊
3 good signs I’ve learned is:
- If he makes you a better person (challenges your thinking, helps you break a bad habit etc)
- If you can resolve a fight well and both feel closer afterwards
- Your closest friends like him (and if they don’t, you should really listen)
@@naomiprins7990 sometimes your closest friends aren't the best of judges
@@justsomerandomhomie1794 Agreed…Some friends are quick to judge your significant other out of jealousy, especially when the natural shift happens where you spend more time with your boyfriend than with them. It’s only natural-after all, I’m not going to spend eternity with my best friend. My boyfriend has become my best friend, now fiancé, and soon-to-be husband. My 'bestie' was gone like the wind.
@@11wittykitties Exactly my point
@@11wittykittiescongrats, wishing you many happy blessed years with your new husband. Sounds like one of those "not all men" guys, so serious congrats.
@@bwingbwinggwiyomi Wow, that’s so thoughtful of you! I really appreciate the kind words. Thank you! I hope you find your person who lifts you up, and if you already have, I hope you stay strong, committed, and surrounded by love.
The funny thing is, i chose the guy i was not as attracted to because he seemed like a great guy. And he was really nice for a while before being literally abusive and emotionally manipulative. After that, i decided that i cant even trust a guy's actions anymore. He was lovely, until he wasnt. My number one advice for all women and girls out there is to always ALWAYS trust your gut. Especially if it's usually right. My gut kept telling me he was a red flag and i kept picking up on very subtle signs he was a red flag but i convinced myself i was overanalysing everything. Words and actions can be misleading. Your gut is right 9 times out of 10.
Same here, sending you a huge hug from me, i wish the best, i hope we'll learn from our mistakes and never look back
What were the red flags??
@tutupu27 the subtle signs I ignored were me saying that in my opinion when you're angry, it's best to take some time off, relax, and react to the situation when you're sure you won't make rash decisions that could end up hurting people, while he believed that when you feel an emotion you should feel it 100% and not hold back for the sake of others. That mentality lead to him chocking me out one time when he got mad at me and then trying to gaslight me into believing that it was well deserved and totally okay and that if I hadn't made a mistake which led to him being angry, nothing would've happened.
@@Anonymous-ev3rl wow that sounds like my abusive and manipulative elder sister, blocked her for the same reason of physical violence and manipulation. Wish you healing, love and support, you got this❤
@user-gs1et6sx4k thank you so much. I'm sorry you have a family member like that. It's awful to not feel comfortable and safe around your own family. I'm glad you chose your mental health first and did what you had to do to gain some distance from her. You should be proud of yourself for choosing YOU first. It's not an easy thing to do🫶🏻
When a guy says you can do better than me, run! He's telling on himself
I’ve experienced this first hand 😂
A bad guy wouldn't encourage you to seek better. However if that's the way that you feel, you should continue as you're doing.
i don't agree , most of the time its ether just a compliment or you did something he appreciated. depending on the context or circumstances it could be a lack of confidence too.
nope. it's simple. believe people when they tell you who they are.
Oh they would. Bad guy, manipulator, liar, most of them aren't very clever or intelligent.
We're doing half of their jobs because of expectations, loneliness, growing up with bad role models, trauma, etc...
#12: It is not your job to get him to like you or make the relationship work. SOOO many women do this, resulting in many men getting all their needs perpetually met, just wandering from woman to woman. I've had men test me like that on the first date. They bail straight away after realizing I'm not a Pleaser. If it's not 50/50, it's not worth it to me.
Well said 👍✨
50/50.....As in how?
(Asking nicely, so we all get what you mean😊)
@@jimrahjames5277 Equal effort to understand, communicate, negotiate, sacrifice. Both performing childcare tasks and taking care of the house. Many men expect women to do most if not all the work. They look for wives who are in constant "winning him over" mode then just coast. There are so many women like this that these men can jump from one to another while dating or while married to one partner after another. Men don't tend to lead with love the way women do. These pleaser women mean well, but end up throwing all women collectively under the bus by enabling the moocher men. And what I mean by that is that anytime a women stands behind a man who is not worthy she is literally making life easier for him to go out there and create more havoc.
@@dudewhathappenedtomycountr9099you said this perfectly 👌🏽
@@jimrahjames5277 i think they meant as in both sides should contribute to the relationship
I love that this channel teaches girls to let go of men who are treating them poorly. Instead of teaching girls "how to get back a man's interest.... and set yourself up for a miserable life" 🤦🤷❤️
Or lower their standards.
@@nalublackwater9729 just a friendly tip: if you mean “for everyone”, you’d be better off saying “Or everyone should lower their standards.” You’d still be wrong since we’re talking women with crippling self-worth here, but at least you wouldn’t be singling them out.
no lol.@@nalublackwater9729
You mean women, not girls, right?
Do we still call grown men "boys" when discussing them?
@@aurale9180 +++
i hate the infantilization of women
I'm glad that none of these is "all men suck." Which is what a lot of fathers, mine included, DO tell their daughters.
The problem is--if your daughter takes this seriously and really believes it--it can lead to staying with a bad man. Because no matter how badly he treats her, there won't seem point in leaving because she thinks that any other man would be the same.
Or she will avoid them altogether.
@@NEbluefirebest comment! 😊❤
If a father tells his daughter that all men suck, what kind of man is that father? Good men are rare because they have to go against what society tells them men are. And even a maverick or iconoclast can have it wrong. Look for the sober, courageous, kind and just. I'm a man who strives to be those things, and I can't be the only one.
This is so true. I was raised this way and it caused me to be accepting of bad treatment because I assumed “they’re men. It won’t get much better than this” I am still unlearning this
@@hektor6766 You’re not. It may be rare, but certainly not nonexistent. I hope men like you are able to demonstrate what women should be looking for.
0:51 yes
maybe?
1:50 women that don’t try hard will always have more success
2:43 know when to believe him and when not to
3:56 he will never risk losing you
4:53 nobody is too busy to reply
5:23 if he doesn’t insist to pay for first date
6:45 you cannot change him
7:35 chemistry is overrated
8:25 do not play it cool
9:19 you deserve someone who brings out the best in you
9:50 playyaaaa
10:18 always address red flags
11:24 you get the best at the start
As a 23 yo woman who never had a dad I am crying
God loves you 💕
❤
Honestly, I'm a guy and I really needed to hear this advice too. I didn't have very good mentors growing up, so I had very low self esteem as a kid and would settle for anyone who gave me any kind of attention, even if that attention was predatory and abusive in nature. I was an easy target for those with bad intentions, and ended up in some unhealthy relationships that made my mental health deteriorate even more. If my parents told me all the things he mentioned in his video, my life would have been so different, and it would have saved me from a lot of pain and heartache.
@@noway377 absolutely. At least we'll know what to tell our kids.
*hugs sister*
People who grew up in a dysfunctional family situation will mistake familiarity for chemistry. I did, over and over again. Once I realised my father had definite narcissisitc characteristics I was able to detect them in other people. My entire world changed.
Same thing happened to me. My mother is very self centered and my father just puts up with it. Whenever I tried to date someone it always ended up being all about them, my needs would be ignored, they would be all talk and create a bunch of broken promises, they ignored the fact that I was unhappy, they would try to guilt trip me whenever I tried to change the way things were going, and the second I needed them they would run away and leave me alone to deal with all the shit.
But, once i recognized what my parents were doing to me, things really started to change for me. I could pick out how they were affecting me emotionally, what little things they did that really messed me up, and I was able to become proactive about keeping how they treat me at bay.
Unfortunately, it came at the cost of my ability to trust people. I haven't dated since, so I can't say how it's changed my relationships yet, and I'm still working on how to define my boundaries with other people.
If you were to strip away all the emotional baggage and all the warped shapes my personality has been twisted into by other people - I'm certain that I would have been one confident bad ass genius who would've accomplished waaaaaay more. But, instead, I became an overly complicated handicapped anxiety riddled weirdness and I haven't got much of anything to show for all the stress I've gone through. I'm probably going to be spending the rest of my life just peeling away all the shit that's been dumped onto me, and rebuilding my life from below the bottom and up.
I’m glad you took something bad and learned from it and made it guide you and filter out the ugly out there. Much love to you
I know people know 100% what narcissism looks like and they still keep choosing it. Some people are just designed to suffer forever.
Sam vaknin has a great yt channel on cluster b personalities. My ex was borderline and she turned me into a narcissist for a while. Cluster b is weird cause nobody fits 100% in one diagnosis, its more like a sprinkle of this and a dash of that.
@@Rin-ig3ci it only seems that way in the beginning. Therapy will help a lot, meditation and sport. Creating art and expressing your emotions through it does help too. Oh, and actually cutting off all toxic relationships that continue to have bad influence on you, so you can actually heal and stop being in survival mode is number 1 step. It 💯 will get better if you work on it, trust me
12. When you call out his bs, be sure to do it *in the moment* it happens- instead of keeping it to yourself forever. I made the mistake of holding things I didnt like to myself until he made me mad for another reason and it would make me look like the silly one for "bringing unrelated" things up
it's not silly to bring it up later. that guy just blamed you for your reaction, which is manipulative. you aren't, and were never the problem in that sense.
Please do a series. My father is a misogynist whose family thinks it's absurd for the men in the family not to cheat on their wives
Same here
Same here!
And he considers his daughter a failure for not being married and judges her for turning down incompatible partners saying that she is incapable of having a relationship 🫥
Why would I want to rush to marriage when all my life I have seen a mother sad and submissive, while she was being cheated on 🫥
@@PlayGrow410 When my mom found out my father was cheating she dumped his ass, I was a little over a year old, she found out that he not only cheated, he also had himself a secret family with a daughter who wasn't even biologically his own. Eventually, that too ended in a divorce.
But she wasn't the first and certainly wasn't the last. His life has been a series of cheating and divorcing.
So, in a way I kinda get what you mean, and how that feels.
That’s so sad.. I’m so sorry 😢😢
I remember at age 17 I was considering dating a much older man who told me over the phone that it was normal for men to have affairs while married ....that conversation was the end of any future with that guy
Ok, I have found my internet daddy. Thank you for taking care of me in ways my real father never could.
Sad to say - I agree. Sad that this is the closest to a caring parent we get.
Tell me about it , ladies 😅
Ikrrr 😭😭..
Korean dad might itch that scratch too 💞
"The right man will see it. No proving needed". That says it all! Thank you.
My last partner kept saying 'I don't deserve you.' I would respond, 'say that again and I'll believe you!' That always seemed to throw him off guard. I kept telling him to just say he's lucky he's found me or that he's grateful for particular things, but he never made that switch. We eventually broke up because he wanted less than what I did in our relationship. I wish him the best, but I really had to make the calls he was refusing to make himself. It sucks when guys realize they don't like you that much, and instead of making it clear or stating the obvious, they wait for the other person to do those things for them.
They really do wait for you to make their choices
Sounds familiar. I did that once. My fear of being or staying alone and not finding anyone else was immense. And breaking someone's heart especially when they treated us with love and kindness made it very difficult for me. In retrospective, the kind act had been to say no and leave as soon as I knew it wasn't right for me. I hope this gives you some insights
@@Xatex18 I hope you're able to find healing for your wounds and live with confidence one day
@@Xatex18 Thank you for talking about it! I'm glad it wasn't from a place of cruelty. Perhaps we're all young once.
Too similar, that person always said to me, I don't deserve you and sometimes in a demeaning way said," You are giving me peace in my life and nothing else". I wasn't sure what I should give him other than that 😂
Always avoided me being seen infront of his so called friends as if I was committing something wrong with him.
I couldn't understand him. I didn't know what was the boundary of fun and serious conversations. A serious conversation was fun for him. Literally, I decided to end things. However, I felt guilty in doing so, doubted myself multiple times for being rude. But in the end, I think my decision was right for me.
Honestly, I'm a guy, and I really needed to hear this advice, too. I didn't have good mentors growing up, so I had very low self-esteem and would settle for anyone who gave me any kind of attention, even if that attention was predatory and abusive in nature. I was an easy target for those with bad intentions and ended up in some unhealthy relationships that made my mental health deteriorate even more. If my parents told me all the things you mentioned in your video, my life would have been so different, and it would have saved me from a lot of pain and heartache.
I'm sorry, I hope you are okay and please be careful and take care of yourself the most and love yourself ❤
I would like to be your friend because I'm socially anxious and lonely but only if you're comfortable, if you don't want to that's Oki I understand ❤
Nice hearing this from a guy😢
Aw hugs hugs yesss many guys need to hear this too!! Remember you're amazing ^^
@LovelyHorizons Thank you. You guys are so sweet. This is really good advice and definitely would have saved me from a lot of heartache if I knew my worth from a young age. So many young people would benefit from hearing this message.
As a girl whose father passed away when she was 12 years old, "you are amazing" made me tear up. Thank you for this
During the first date with my partner we had a (jokingly) argument over who would pay. I told him I had invited, so i should pay, he insisted I was "way above his league" and he should pay as "compensation" for my time. We ended up splitting the bill. Lovely man, terribly low self esteem
"you're too beautiful for me" = "I'm very insecure and I can not commit right now" what that really means
@@rachelreii5952op wrote "partner" so im p sure he did want to commit, and he has
@@DeluluBoi1515 isn't it obvious? I've never been in a relationship before buy watching them go and having friend speak about such problems... it's always clear but i suppose not when you're in it
@@rachelreii5952 He IS very insecure, but the commitment thing was all wrong. Dude was terribly anxious and didn't want to fuck up by accident, giving him a chance he never disappointed me
he should have paid, this is an accurate assessment: he should pay as "compensation" for my time
People say men are straight forward and women are "the complicated ones" but it's not true. Men play their own mind games with each other, AND with their partners, because everybody does that. Everybody has wounds, everybody has truths they can not face. That will always lead to covering up the truth or lying, in healthy people too.
People get so caught up in stereotypes, but we're all people. Different flavours of people, but people.
So far they all seemed to taste the same to me. Weird. 🤔
@@tiborklein5349 wat
As a man, most of us don’t though.
My bf, male friend and brother confirmed that. You wouldn't expect it at first, but there are gossip chats, behind the back attitudes and often problems in emotional regulation and judgement of consequences concerning emotional input into a relationship of any kind. Men are no different from people in general. We all aren't perfect and have our complicated sides, but people who think that it is only women have never known men or themselves good enough.
My ex got a matching tattoo with me, said he wants a future with me, traveled to another state regularly to see me and was still just pretending with me. For what? Why are they like this? Wish i had a dad like this
Oh my gosh
He may have been in the honeymoon phase of the relationship. It’s a brain chemical thing.
Some people love to have secondary sources of narcissistic fuel. Mind you, we all have a degree of narcissism (without ever developing a disorder), so maybe he enjoyed your loving attention and devotion. To some, one person is not enough. Any way, you're NOT to blame in any scenario.
Not all men are like this but some have mental dysorders like narcissism and that is why. However, I never heard everyone has a bit of narcissism in them. I'm not sure that is true. Research it. Research narcissism, because knowledge can save you from a lot of bad relationships. They play manipulation games and that's a very sick thing to do, it makes you confused and question yourself. They slowly undermine your self-esteem with these manipulation games and with constant criticism. They are also very controlling and want to isolate you so that you have noone to turn for help and you are completely under their thumb. They also have anger management issues and can be dangerous. It's very important to learn to recognize them and avoid them.
I started to learn to believe what a man says after 20 years 🥴. One said to me with a smirk when we first met "I like to just sit on the couch watching tv all the time" but he was always active, it seemed to me. Then we moved in together and yep that is all he wanted to do. Couldn't even get him to go to the movies. Another one said to me while laughing, "I'm crazy". I mean people say disparaging things about themselves all the time, and most of the time they are exaggerating. Well, if a guy says he is crazy believe him 😵💫
"If a guy says he's crazy, believe him" Amen, sister! I dated a guy that always said he was crazy and it took me a while to actually realize he was.
@@Optimally_healthy5831 Truth!
i recently had a guy straight up tell me he's a sociopath.
Oh, another one did too, several years ago (forgot).
@@jtwright4095 😳I've definitely learned now to believe em
@@Optimally_healthy5831 I've definitely learned to believe them when they say stuff like this instead of the usual being like, "Oh no you aren't, don't be silly" or something to that effect.
be slow when getting to know a guy but quick to get out if he shows bad behavior. I love this. I hate it when the women who stuck by them get left behind broken in pieces.
Hey! You said "be slow". My ex was trying to get me for 3 months but I was just so confused. But at the end I decided to give him a chance. It's not like I had interest on some other guy. I thought he was a nice guy. I thought he actually liked me. But when I proposed, after some days I got to know that he cheated.
Is that my fault that I took time to know him? Did he cheat because of me?
@@nishthahere_ If by "proposed" you mean you asked him for a date, then he didn't "cheat" on you in the meantime, because you weren't exclusive yet. A man as well as a woman can date mulitple partners as long as they are not exclusive. At any rate, nothing what another person does is ever your fault if you didn't plan for it. I wish you best of luck in finding someone better.
@@Tim666-o5n no actually the thing was...he knew I loved him...and by proposed i meant that I told him about my feelings after 3 months...I told him everything after being confident...and yes even I think he didn't cheat...he just lost interest and gained it from someone else. But it hurts because once he was all mine..
This is the BEST advice I ever heard from anyone! it's so true; he treats you badly, then leave. Trust his words. If he says, "you're not my girlfriend', or doesn't seem to care two hoots about you, just go. Wait for a man that makes you his priority in life. i have a friend who believes, if the man comes back after 3 months of absence, all will go forward well. That's not true at all. As Brian said: it just means he hasn't found someone else. The same shitty way he treated you, will happen again..
Right!
You’re so right! I will add that the right guy will get interested in your hobbies. My fiancé bought a sewing machine to learn how to sew because I’m a costume designer and sewing is my passion. He and I now go to ren fairs every year in costumes we work on together! He’s the first guy who’s ever shown interest in my hobbies, let alone joined in. I’m so lucky I found him! ❤
That is so freaking CUTE!! I can't!! 🥹😭🥰
@@ashotofmercury I know right? ☺️
Did he have his own hobbies before you got together? Anything you resonated with that he’s into? There needs to be a balance , otherwise he sounds like a beta man (feminine.)
@@MariaElena51185 Yep! He got me into cars and several different anime! 😁
Precious. I am happy for you. 😻
I'm 26 and had enough, relationships traumatized me so much. I'm the type of person who's always stay true to my words so it hurts so much when their actions don't match their words. It's tiring. I'm choosing myself now. I'd rather be alone than being hurt again.
I was done by 36 and I should have been done at 26 or actually never started. You are doing the best thing. Honestly if I want some romance to think on there are books for that
I'm also 26 and just done
I'm 37, single mother of a girl, and I'm now terrified of men. I know there are good ones, obviously, but I have absolutely no clue how to actually meet one.
Girl I feel you.. 25 and making the same decisions just to protect myself
Being single is valid too. You're not legally required to be in a relationship. And if you are your own best company, you'll never be alone.
Besides, there are cats. Or dogs, if you prefer.
As a daughter who doesn't know what its liek to have a dad daughter relationship, this video helped me so so much. Thanks
I am 62 years old. This is good, solid advice. If you apply it you will save yourself a lot of grief
Thank you 😊 we appreciate your insight definitely would love to save myself heartache
This is such a kind comment.
Thank you I was iffy if this video would be helpful. After hearing it out half way I was nodding to it. This comment just makes me feel it has more credibility. So thank you,
YES PLEASE, a series dedicated to "My Imaginary Daughter" would he incredible!
Dear Brian,
I'm a 22-year-old girl who lost his father at the age of 10. I'm so happy to hear your kind advice as a father. I really like that you clearly explain the mindset of men.😊❤
Thank you
I was brought up by an abusive, narcissistic mother who made me a scapegoat. She destroyed any self esteem I had. She never once said I was pretty. If anyone complimented me she tore down the compliment. No guy was ever interested in me. If any were friendly to me, I wondered why and I was scared of them. When I did get married, he started out nice, but showed his true colours and was abusive. Spent 20 years before I could financially. Leave. I am a senior now, single, and know I will never know a truly loving relationship. Narcissistic mothers destroy their daughter's lives.
I'm so sorry 😢 please focus on healing all of your trauma because when you dont work on healing your trauma it will affect you all the time, don't let this ruin your life! You are worthy of happiness, respect and love and also remember to be careful, cautious and love yourself❤
I'm sorry you experienced that. I hope you heal and experience the best life has to offer ❤
May the Lord Jesus shine His light into your life, may He remove your pain from your heart and give you healing and His grace and mercy. The bible tells us that Jesus loves and cares for us. May the loving Savior bless your life , may He bring happiness to your heart, Amen
🙏
As a person with narcissistic mother and a dysfunctional family, I can feel your whole story on a deep level. Hope you're working on your trauma to heal them so that you can enjoy your life to the fullest and have happiness and hope you get everything you deserve. Much love sis
@I.5832 Sorry for your pain. This is how it went for me except that it was my dad and brothers that messed with my head. My mother is a wonderful human, bless her heart.
Having a toxic father taught me everything I need to know about bad men. 😸
Same goes for friends. It helps to remember that what makes a bad friend also tends to make a bad partner. Remember all those toxic friends from high school and lookout for those passive aggressive, entitled attitudes in guys that might seem subtle, but end up being very significant.
😢true
A class comment! I judge everyone under the category of relationships, there might be more criteria when it's a sexual relationship vs friendship but people can rarely switch so fast.
Welcome to the club. 😂
I can relate to you
as a woman who grew up with a father who never loved or wanted me, the beginning made my eyes tear up
Real.
Struggled a lot with guys saying one thing but their actions not matching up at all. I’ve been told “you deserve better than me” and “I’m not ready for a relationship” while they were still flirting with me and such…it’s confusing (esp when I like them back) but I gotta trust they mean it when they say this…thanks Brian. Your explanation on both guys makes sense. Emotionally mature guys would never risk losing me if they truly cared about me!
You are correct in their immaturity, but they are true in their words!
So there are two things likely going on (Do not take my words as truth, but I am... likely on a right track 😅)
1. They do like you, and wish to be with you
2. They are feeling insecure in their abilities to be with you
Two things that conflict each other.
If this is the case, give them the time and space to mature. They need to develop their abilities and stability in life.
I think that you stepping away from them, telling you are not going to date people who are insecure like this, is a good thing for both you and them, even if their initial reaction might be to get upset (of course, they lose out on a person they found interest in, so let them be upset about that and don't blame them)
Eventually they will develop their strengths and be ready to make one truly happy. That is when the words "a real men would not risk losing the one he loves" come into play.
I wish you a fine day 👍
"You deserve better than me." Yep, I guess I do. Byeeeee.
When you understand this you realise that men always tell you who they are even when they’re not doing it on purpose….it is really liberating ❤
If they say that " you deserve someone better than me" then believe it and block him permanently and create separation with him permanently and you can start dating new person 😌 simple
@@yougotOWENd no one has time to wait around and play mother... what were these men doing prior to meeting her? If he had held out for the right one and focused on himself & built his life, instead of chaisng after any low hanging fruit that would cope with him, he wouldnt end up punishing the woman who is actually right for him and spent her preceeding years productively.this is what happens when you have 0 impulse control & priorities, you end up settling because you let the right one get away. The only thing he has on ofer at this point is wasting hertime. Not just that, if she relents & sidesteps all of this to entertain his advances and force it to work, he will have less and less respect for her and by the time the results of thisn"maturing" has happened, his eyes will start to wander. This woman who was onceIT, her worth will soon diminish sticking around. He will start thinking he can do better
Also, make yourself *very* familiar and aware of the early signs of abuse (physical and emotional). Emphasis on "early". Women that have gotten beaten by their husbands weren't getting beaten when they first started dating (well maybe some did 🤷♀️).....but just be quick to notice and don't overlook the signs. Like, him being controlling, him trying to isolate you from your friends/family, him having a serious/horrible temper, uncontrollable anger even over tiny little things. Notice the way he treats you in an argument (its normal to argue), but he still should not be treating you badly or insulting you even when he is angry with you. The list goes on. Just be careful.
Amen to that. Knowledge of this could have saved so many lives
Just stay out of relationships; they aren't worth it.
My dad years ago
Now, he’s gotten silent.
This advice absolutely applies to young men, too. I often told my sons to take time to know her. They did and each of them are now happily married to a wonderful woman.
The third reason applies for friendships too, when you're the only one keeping the friendship alive, making conversation, but people only remember you and contact you when they need your help. And I have friends which sometimes we don't communicate for months, but when we contact each other again, we pick up right where we left off, so that's no excuse either. Life is hard enough, it's better not to waste your energy on someone who only remembers you when they need something.
True..
Thankyou so much for saying this. All my friends were like this. And specially that guy friend. This very well applies to friendships too .
I'm almost 34, and embarrassed I've never dated, nor been asked out. I didn't put myself out there, cos ... trauma. yay. anyways, this is great - pls do make a "Dear Imaginary Daughter" series.
I'm in my early 40s you're not alone this world is just hard on responsible people who took the time to deal with what they've been through
Due to trauma, I have never been in a serious relationship at 40. You are not alone.
I recently turned 35 and I've never dated as well. I also did not try and focused on school and work. I'm quiet/reserved and get nervous/guarded around most people due to some bad experiences. You're not alone, for sure.
not dating is a good thing considering the mentality and overall state of society.
Same, 33. Dated once, turned out to be a jerk. ❤ Now there’s someone I want to come out of my shell for… it’s terrifying but worth it…
Be kind, be courteous, be observant, don't be a people pleaser, be willing to walk away with red flags. Stay true to yourself bc what you settle for is what you are going to get stuck with.
As Selena said "he promised the world and i fell for it" 😢
Soo true😢
They never respect their own promises!
Why are they so fake
😢they always promise
Dude Selena is a drama queen
Beware “short responses which give as much clarity as flashlight with dead batteries”. Clever!
Did noticed it with my family doing decision-making. I don’t fall for it now, I’ll just save my energy for better things.
"If he's a good guy you will not need to get angry to establish a boundary. But be mindful: not everything can be a boundary" hit hard! I do have a father but these tips were really helpful. Thank you so much! ❤
Yes, please do this as a series! Many of us, unfortunately, did not have a father figure in our lives as we grew up. This is so helpful!
Very true!!!!
Really true. Lots of bad examples
can absolutely relate
I had a good father, but he never told me any of these things. And I guarantee you, most fathers don't.
Same here ❤
Number 9 is so so important. People pretend & play it cool & keep it casual instead of being clear about what it is they want & making sure the other person wants the same things as them. Stop walking on tiptoes & sparing people's feelings guys.
Yes. It helps to filter out a lot of incompatible partners
After being married for nearly forty years, my sister-in-law suddenly found herself widowed 3 years ago. She has been in an on again - off again relationship for the past 6 months and struggling to find her way back into the singles scene. I sent her this video and she just called me and said that EVERYTHING you said was "spot on" with what has been going on with the guy she's been seeing. She had been slowly putting two and two together and realizing maybe he wasn't what he was making himself out to be after all, but that the video went a long way in proving and solidifying in her heart and mind that she made the right choice by calling it quits. Thanks so much for sharing your expertise. I hope more women will see this and take heed of the red flags before it's too late.
As a guy, this provides great perspective on how to treat women right. Hoping I can find the right one one day with the right mindset like this.
You will! My tip is just to be real and sincere, regardless of who she is, be You.
Honestly, I'm a guy and I really needed to hear this advice too. I didn't have very good mentors growing up, so I had very low self esteem as a kid and would settle for anyone who gave me any kind of attention, even if that attention was predatory and abusive in nature. I was an easy target for those with bad intentions, and ended up in some unhealthy relationships that made my mental health deteriorate even more. If my parents told me all the things he mentioned in his video, my life would have been so different, and it would have saved me from a lot of pain and heartache.
You needed a video to be a decent human being
Same. But honestly I've always struggled (and still struggling) with self esteem so I never ever have asked out a girl even when I was interested because I know that as I am right now, if I cant learn to love myself, how can I love and care for another person? Still praying and trying to be a better person and find a woman fit for me that I can love and will love me
@@spikejonzelover420 A decent human being recognizes they could be making mistakes without realizing it. I already don't make the mistakes listed in the video, but I'd be self-centered to think I am always avoiding every mistake there is out there a guy can make. People are fallible, and you're not as perfect as you think either. Maybe listening to people from experience might help you recognize that.
I'm a man and I like doing this a lot. I agree with most of what you said and most criticism I could think of are non-issues if you do other things you mention. For example not "playing it cool" will nullify any good reason for the guy to pull away if he thinks you don't like him.
I do think that making a distinction between dating and relationship advice would a good idea. I find good dating advice is often terrible relationship advice and vice versa.
I would also like to add a few things as relationship advice.
1. How seriously he takes promises, if he avoids making promises he doesn't know he can't keep that's good, if he throws them out like candy that's concerning.
2. It's good if he tells you what you need to hear instead of what you want to hear. If he blindly affirms everything you say, do, or think, that doesn't mean he agrees, he's just scared to disagree, he doesn't care if you get hurt, or will say whatever he needs to get in your pants.
3. He may not care about things you care about, but he shouldn't invalidate things you care about.
4. Most relationship problems can be solved using communication, if they can't then you'll realize you may need to end the relationship. It doesn't make either of you bad people, it just meant you're not compatible.
Invalidating other people's interests, yes, that hit hard and lesson learned 🙈 healthy people don't do that
Yes, I felt that one. I'm spiritual and was with an atheist for four years. He not only belittled my core religious beliefs, but made a point of mocking me for them.
Glad I found another man here…I am a guy too and this video was recommended to me, I don’t know why but it had some pointers I could share with my cousin sister and one of my friend who went through a toxic relationship recently.
Thank you.
4 is also true in friendships. I parted ways with them because I don’t fit with what they’re doing(and I also don’t like that they talk to other people often).
i'm 27. i don't have a father, i have never been on a date & i've never kissed a guy before either. i closed myself from dating since i was 14, 2 years ago i finally allowed myself to open up.
thank you for finally being the answer to the questions & worries i had about men. maybe someday when god thinks i'm ready, he'll bring my love to me.
❤
Thank you Brian!!! Long time a go.. a wise man told me... if he really loves you, he'll cross the ocean for you...
Beautiful!!
Lol
it's not that simple. what if you're not putting in effort but love me? why should i cross the ocean if you wont come over here?
Pay very close attention to how he treats his mother and /or how he talks about his memories of her. He will end up treating you the same way.
ever heard of an enmeshed narcissist mother-son due ? treating each other like husband and wife ? witnessing that from a distance can totally mislead you
@@mashoba927 See? That's totally a red flag. Do NOT marry that man with the mother-obsession. But a son who treats his mother with RESPECT is a keeper.
And be very aware of the opposite kind of mother issues. If he expresses any kind of generalized bitterness, spite, or anger toward his mom - tread very carefully.
If she is alive and they have little/no contact (opposite extreme from the TOO MUCH above)... you need to know the history & how much he's put into working thru that baggage.
If he has some self awareness about it & can communicate their issues in healthy ways, etc... That's one thing.
If you've been together more than a couple months & he doesn't want to talk about it... if he makes biting little comments about her, but then he shuts down on the subject, or glosses it over if you ask questions >>> That is NOT okay.
You will inevitably remind him of her, by virtue of being female... and you don't have the "untouchableness" of his mom mentally or physically.
This includes men who's fathers were abusive & their Mom did not protect/remove the child(ren).
I think it's important to stress that abusive mothers do exist, and your partner may have good reason to treat his or her mother in a way that may seem strange to you.
To pressure your partner into treating their mother differently, just for you, is incredibly disrespectful to them. It completely disregards their lived experience and their atonomy. Please don't do that.
You should still pay close attention to it though, because it provides a lot of insight into how your partner handles difficult or destructive relationships.
Ask yourself:
* How is it affecting *your* relationship?
Does your partner become emotional when they are reminded of their mother? If so, what emotion does it conjure? Anger? Sadness? Fear? And to what degree? Do you feel like you're walking on egg-shells? Does it ruin your time together? If so, that might be an indicator that your partner is not in a good place for a relationship. It doesn't neccesarily mean they're a bad person, but they need help that you are unable to provide. You should talk to them about it, but if it doesn't seem things can or will improve, it's probably best for both of you to break up.
* *Do* they talk to you about it?
Please note that "No" is a valid answer here. Your partner does have the right to some privacy. It really depends on how much it affects your relationship. You have a right to expect some insight if it's having an effect on your time together, or if your partners behavior makes you uncomfortable in other ways (ex. they treat themselves or others poorly). But if your partner is not acting destructive, they do not owe you an explaination. Opening up about that kind of thing is a choice they should be allowed to make on their own. If they don't want to talk about it, respect that choice. In time they might open up about it, but not always, and that's OK. Respect their privacy, and remember that you have a right to privacy, too. An analogy: Keep your cards on the table where you both you and your partner can see them. It's OK if some of them are facing down.
* If they do talk to you about it, *how* do they talk about it?
Patricia mentioned biting comments with no deeper insight, and that is indeed a red flag! Bitterness, resentment, and an overwhelming focus on what your partner feels they are owed, rather than what they have learned from their bad experiences is a really bad sign. This I would say might very well be an indicator of how they will treat you in the future, and how they will talk about you to others once you break up, which will hopefully be soon.
(Conversely, if it's something they don't talk much about, it might be an indicator that they don't like speaking ill of others, which is _generally_ a good thing.)
However, if they talk about it maturely, with a healthy amount of self-relection, an appeal to principled behavior, healthy boundaries and respect, you might just have a keeper =)
Edit:
Oh and it should go without saying, but just to be clear: if your partner treats their mother outright horribly, abusing them verbally or physically whenever they meet, all bets are off. I don't care what the history is. Two wrongs don't make a right.
The thing is my dad would always say very kind things about his mother (he even gave me this exact piece of advice). However, he was really mean to me, my mom, and my sisters. He would call me a bitch and threaten to “throw me to the streets” over little things. He would also force me to hug him whenever he came home and would guilt trip me if I didn’t. Maybe he’s an exception to the rule, but I don’t think a guy’s relationship to his mother always means something.
Actual crying because I’m watching this on Father’s Day and I’m feeling all the loving father energy from you that I have never received. Thank you for your fatherly wisdom. I love you imaginary father ♥️
Imaginary daughter here! Yes, I want more videos.
I just got out of my first relationship because we fought so much. He started out sweet and gentle and loving but eventually turned out to be immature and even disrespectful. It hurt because he did have a good heart but revealed who he was in the blink of an eye. It's hard to leave when there's still love for each other but you know it's not gonna work out. thank you for your advice
Wow, you're strong at making decisions. Good for you. I know am a stranger but I'm proud of you.
@@ambernjoseph4101 thank you so much :)
no omg this is literally what i’m going through right now and it suckssss😭 i rly hope everything works out for the both of us :))
@@lissiemanalo7908 omg love it’s been two months IT GETS BETTER he moved on to someone new and I’ve been taking the summer to love myself and I just met someone so sweet long story short YOURE GONNA BE OKAY GORGEOUS 🫶🏼
I cried when he said dear imaginary daughter
Wow!! I am married for many years, but your wise advice brought me back to my earlier days and dating. What you said to your imaginary daughter should be shared with all women, young and old.
I am so tired of how social media paints men and relationships..your video sir is one of the good ones, your advice felt positive, felt warm, unlike the cold anger charged ones i see all over the internet.
Thank you truly.
I don't think the romantic type of love is special, and I think that the romantic type of love isn't real. More than half of romantic relationships end in a breakup/divorce. Romance seems like an ugly thing.
I think humans should just ditch concepts like dating, marriage, and pair bonding. I feel like this world would be a much better place without romance than it is with it.
It does seem that nearly all fathers and mothers are hoping that their daughter never dates or get married and remain single for her whole life. Romantic relationships seem like a bad thing since there is a lot of dangers when it comes to them.
The overprotective father/mother thing is proof that romantic relationships are a bad thing, and this world would be a much better place without them.
If someday that the human race ditches the concept of romance and romantic relationships, and got rid of stuff like dating and marriage, fathers and mothers would be happy about it since they wouldn't ever have to worry about their daughter ever dating if that ever happened.
I got into a conversation like this with my stepdaughter Michelle when she was I think 13, and I told her the same general things as the video, but I stressed to her about how a good man will always respect her as an individual and be a big brother who looks out for her.
Brian: If he says good things like, "I can imagine us staying together forever, I'm falling for you, you are my type, I love you"-
Me: aw 🥰
Brian: -do NOT immediately believe him.
Me: oh 🥲
These are things that seem obvious, sure, but they can be hard to hear. It's helpful to hear them all at once, and said with such straightforwardness *and* care. I'm very glad I stumbled on this video. Thank you!
yes! I once had a guy tell me for years that he wanted to marry me, he loved me, wanted to be together forever (I wanted to wait because I, we, weren't ready). Years later, the relationship ended because I got fed up with everything being all about him, there was always time for him and his interests but there was never time for me, let alone my interests. - He just proved to me where his priorities were: not with me, just him by himself.
@@Rin-ig3ci I am so sorry you experienced that. It's taken over a year to right myself after my first breakup, and I see some similarities; he said all the right things, told me he wanted to marry me, we'd make it work (ldr), etc. Things began to crack as he chose himself and others more and more, and I don't think I respected myself enough to speak up and maintain boundaries. In the end, he cheated and left me. We tried again, and unfortunately the patterns didn't change. But the cliches and platitudes turn out to be true, and we really do come out better on the other side, don't we? Wiser, kinder to ourselves, and better equipped to help those around us (: I pray you're doing alright now, and even better as time passes. You are precious and worthy of a true, honest, pure love ♡
I started going to therapy and this is good affirmations from a father I never had. Thank you
I never had this kind of talk with my own passed away father. I hope my daughter gets to hear this from her daddy when she grow up. Thank you so much for this.
I wish my mom had had this video. My dad isn't a good man and he didn't instill these values in me when I was growing up, even though he was so hellbent on making sure I knew I would be worthless to the world if I never became a wife and mother :/ it's very healing to hear all this. thank you
lol men who think like this are dumb. Women are more than baby machines and adult sitters.
The best thing about this video is
The instant he decided to talk to his “imaginary daughter”
Every thing said felt real and true from the bottom of his heart
Am sure every father is the first and best defense for his daughter
.
.
Thankyou
Please upload more such videos
Waiting for it !!
I'm 27 years old. Never had a relationship before. My father is a drunk and I have very low tolerance for his BS and I'm very quick to call him out on it. The last time it happened, he told me to find a random guy who'd f*** me. Apparently, he thinks I'm overly irritable and getting laid will fix all my problems. A**hole.
I don’t have a father so this was very comforting. Thank you.
He could be a great guy but not for you
Absolutely correct
Wished my late sister was still around to watch this video,she fell for the wrong man in her teens;sadly took her life at 21 after finding out from one of her friends that her then BF was with another woman 😢
My sis's love was real and he just played with her emotions and feelings,in fact she even dreamt of tying the knot with him one day but he turned her life upside down once he confirmed that he wasn't interested to get into long-term committed relationship hence this led to permanent break-up 😢😢
I am really sorry to hear that
It sounds horrible, I am sorry it happened to your sister
@@broidkanymore-zc4lt what an insensitive thing to say to someone esp who is suffering
@@broidkanymore-zc4lt don't you know when to just be quiet and don't ask ignorant and plainly dumb questions?
@@broidkanymore-zc4lt You know what you're doing and you're sick.
You've given me more advice on men than I've ever received in 53 years with my own father. Every young girl needs to hear this. (A lot of grown women, too!) Thank you for sharing this valuable insight, which can help a lot of girls. I hope that enough of them are able to see it!
as someone who has an absent father, this video was like a safe space to me🎀
Love it! My daughters will benefit from your valuable secrets. Thank you!
In the beginning when you said “you are valued” I burst into tears. I’m drinking wine and pmsing, but this hit a nerve. You’re a good man.
As a girl who's never had a proper father figure, advice like this is nice to come by. Thank you 💗
As a girl with a dad that stopped caring before I could ask him about any of the stuff you mentioned - thank you ♥
Hi Brian, on the behalf of all your imaginary daughters, I want to genuinely thank you from my heart for this amazing video. I am in my late twenties & would give all these advices to my younger self in a heartbeat. Even though I’ve always been someone who had a decent sense of self worth. Sometimes things DO make you blind and you tend to slip a little no matter how wise you may be.
These were all incredible pieces of wisdom ❤ Ladies, do yourself a favour and LISTEN to him. Big Love to all 🫶
Gave this video an instant like them moment when he said "you are amazing" 🧡
The thing about self-respect is so true. If people see that you respect yourself and have high standards, they will respect you too.
My father abandoned me and I self-sabotage out of fear of ending up with someone like him. I needed this video because I never had the privilege of a father giving me this kind of advice.
The most important thing you said is when he does something you don’t like (or doesn’t do something you want), you can’t change him. You can only choose how you respond. Yes!
Great video! I just shared it with my adult daughters. Hope you keep on delivering more of this addressed to your imaginary daughter!
You say the truth! Thank you on behalf of all women who haven't learned these facts yet!
I grew up without a father, this video made me cry. Thank you so much
Good tips, would add that solid men are v upfront about themselves and their lives - not sneaky with vague half-truths, shallow promises they later renege on and then act like it's nothing or deny saying it. They have pride and excellent follow-through, are trying to prove themselves to you (is v sweet and endearing) so you will relax and trust them. Careful when they are more concerned about their feelings rather than yours.
I wish I had a dad like this.
But at the same time I don't want to, I learned a lot the hard way and it shaped me the way I am now.
So I'd better wish there were more dads like that to teach their sons how to behave themselves with someone else's daughters.
And I wish more dads understood the impact they make on their children.
I’m 66 years old and everything you said is valid.
You have to be ready to cut them loose when they change or get addictions, cheat, lie, break the law, steal, etc.
We had been married so long that I let it go and he did die at 61, doing drugs, etc. in an epic mid life crisis but now I get a widow’s social security benefit that helps quite a bit with this inflation. .
No more entanglements for me. I’m totally enjoying being alone.
I've been in a enormously toxic relationship for 5 and a half years. I was 16 when we started dating. Due to my emotionally immature parents I didn't know what a healthy relationship is. Since January I'm starting to feel the freedom and trying to educate myself on what a normal relationship is. Every truth you mentioned in the video was a red flag that I'm realizing just now. It feels horrible.
Its not always that he couldn't find better. sometimes we are easy to judge someone harshly the first time because we all have an unrealistic PERFECT VISIONof what were looking for. Someone who ticks ALL the boxes (not only the most important ones). But, after thinking about them with no time pressure, we become more open to accept someone with all their flaws & give them a chance to get to know them (Goes for both men & women). Speaking from personal experience as a woman
As someone who lost their father at the age of 13, thanks a lot for this video, it answered all of the questions I've been wanting to ask.
Brian I fully support your idea of starting more imaginary daughter advice videos.
Thank you a lot for this one.
You told exactly what I thought when my ex, who allegedly wanted to marry me, asked for a pause: if he loves you, he would never, ever risk to loose you.
Please, do more videos for your imaginary daughter. God bless.
I came from a very dysfunctional family. Despite my boyfriend at the time showed a lot of red flags, he took me out of that environment, and i wouldn’t have realized it was so toxic. Now my only hurdle - is him. He has similar narcissistic traits just like my mom. He cares a lot about his image - how people perceive him. I get so stunned at making sure im not saying the wrong thing that can hurt his image that i dont say anything at all in groups. I just feel like its my fault. I put myself in this mess and i deserve this. I just feel like I want to kmf. I can’t wait until the day comes.
hey! I just wanted to add a word of support since it seems like you're going through a rough time rn :( remember that just because he's helped you it does not mean that he's the right one for you or even a great person! He wasn't the only one taking you out of bad situations - you are so, so strong for enduring what you did and healing yourself. Don't let him break the pieces of yourself that you've put back together! If you have to walk on eggshells every time you're around him because the smallest things trigger him, then that's not healthy for you. It's not your fault that you've been in a toxic situation and are possibly in one now. It's good that you've learned what toxic traits look like - if you see them in him then trust yourself, because you are a blessing and your gut instincts are blessings! If you're grateful to him for taking you out of a toxic situation before, remember that a lot of people come and go in your life to help you - teach you, love you, show you how to and why you should love yourself - because Someone above/the universe wills it. Even these people leaving your life happens to teach you or show you something. This earth you are on only has good, beautiful things planned for you. Don't let someone else damage your protection of your mind or your peace ❤
Be quicker in leaving and be slow in the starting loved this piece of advice thank you imaginary dad may God bless you