Thank you for your time & attention. Shouts out to the wasp who joined halfway through 🐝. Here are the 36 questions that lead to love (choose your victims wisely): Set I 1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest? 2. Would you like to be famous? In what way? 3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why? 4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you? 5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else? 6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want? 7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die? 8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common. 9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful? 10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be? 11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible. 12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be? Set II 13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know? 14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it? 15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life? 16. What do you value most in a friendship? 17. What is your most treasured memory? 18. What is your most terrible memory? 19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why? 20. What does friendship mean to you? 21. What roles do love and affection play in your life? 22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items. 23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s? 24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother? Set III 25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling ..." 26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share ..." 27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know. 28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met. 29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life. 30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself? 31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already. 32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about? 33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet? 34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why? 35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why? 36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.
John 3:16 ESV "For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. God is so good ❤✝️
“Hey!” “Hi!” “How are you?” “What did you have for breakfast?” “Uhhh, buttered toast i guess. What about you” *processing* “Hey you ok there bud? It’s ok if you don’t wanna ta-“ “What did you have for breakfast?”
@@HowieRaps How do you do that? I'm not asking out of admiration, but out of concern for your health because my assumption would be that if someone stays at home and doesn't move much, they don't use energy for moving, hence they can eat less. The problem is that eating all at once is very unhealthy and even if i personally have a problem with overstaying in one place, i can only delay eating and reduce food volumes, but i can't eat once a day. I hope you just worded that in a misunderstandable way and meant "i eat 1 *meal* a day" and not "i eat once a day", difference being that one implies you eat more than once a day, but it's just not a big meal.
I remember a co-worker asking me what I've been up to so I answered. It took me like 5 seconds after my response to be like "oh shit she wants me to ask that same question back", and then I asked it. She went super in-depth about a whole business project she's starting up and said 'im glad you asked'. Part of me then realised how socially inept I am XD
This was a running joke in my circle of friends in my twenties: we would ask "what are you reading?" Then without even leaving a gap for a response, launch into a detailed account of the cool book we had just read.
@@ges735 one of us just observed that that's what people were really doing so we just shortcut the social niceties. The other one we had was to hang up like they do in the movies (this was the nineties, so physical, wired phones) "Hey" "Hey. Going to the park rooms tonight" "Sure, want a ride" "8 o'clock?" "Sure-" {CLICK} oh he's gone
Jumping into the deep end of conversations almost immediately sounds like a nice change of pace compared to feeling out the conversation and hoping it goes somewhere. The phone thing is great btw 😆
My thoughts exactly. I have a 50% hearing loss in both ears and it drives me batty when I’m trying to listen to a podcast of dialogue and I hear all this weird music in the background. It makes me want to look for something else to listen to. Thank you so much!!!!
Be extremely careful: the more you ask someone for “advice”, the more power they believe they have over you for helping. Some people out there are real narcissists and they need constant recognition
He is not exactly asking for advice , also you can decide to take the advice or not, it’s your choice. So you decide if you would give them the power to controll you or actually make them appreciate you only for asking even if you do whatever + by some rare case I aways have asked the questions he suggest not because I wanted to be liked but by honest curiousity (it’s the small things that make people who they are + I really like to read biographical books so I’m highly interested in what and how people think why and how they did their chooses ecc. Sometimes I even get inspired to make changes in my own life based on what they say if it’s useful in my case ) on first dates , and they aways have turned grate. (Or if the person have tattoos or something particular in them like idk how they are dressed or else , just be curious why they decided to wear that why they decided to do that tattoo , what does it mean to them ecc .. usualy tatios have really deep meanings so trust me you get an extra point on it) You can even give compliments try to find something you like in them , like once it happened a guy I was on a date on somehow got to the topic about hair , he told me he had long hair but cut it out because of hair recession , he even showed me a photo of him with long hair , and I replyed he look bether now with short hair (becouse it was the truth ) so yeah you can also add genuine compliments. Or even on their character “I like when you said this or that it really made me feel .. “ or “I really like the place you chose - how you know about it , do you come often here “ ecc.
this is my mom in a nutshell! "I will help you to socialize" "Let me give you some advice" when I never asked for anything from her... it's so annoying. Yet, I'm here watching this video because it helps me more than what she tells me since it's things I already know.
I'm one of those people who naturally leans to probing and unwinding these threads, and he's right - people do love it... but it landed me in far too many unbalanced relationships where the others think I'm their best friend, while I grow more and more dejected at the fact that they don't take any of my bait!!
1.) follow up: make them talk more about themselves rather than you. 2.) start safe: be comfortable building comfort before asking deep questions. 3.) deflect difficulty: deflect bad/uncomfortable questions with safer related ones. 4.) avoid assumptions: construct questions to be open ended rather than having built in assumptions. 5.) BONUS: I advise you to watch the video to know lol quick summaries so I remember them better :)
4. is actually the opposite you ask a question with assumptions in mind because you are showing your understanding of the situation and people are far more likely to answer. Can you give me advice vs. (asking advice). That shows you already admit this person has expertise and knowledge without having to say it directly. Are there any problems with your phone vs. What are the problems with your phone? Easy to blow off the former while the ladder makes the person feel like the jig is up and they have been caught.
This is good for priming yourself to get over anxiety or whatnot and stay engaged, but the real “secret” to asking the right questions and engaging people is never going to be a checklist. You need to develop in yourself a curiosity about other people and a desire to know them because they are interesting. You do that by first knowing yourself, then knowing that all people are interesting because they are the manifestation of a billion word monologue they’ve been saying to themselves and editing down for their entire lives. You must also realize that you and another person might not necessarily find common ground or be very interested in the same things and since relationships are two-ways, forcing anything makes it awkward or worse for both parties. The real lesson is, be happy and confident enough with who you are to make room for others.
Yes, I do this. Problem is others don’t. What do I mean? I’m in a conversation with someone, I ask them follow up questions. They’re so excited to tell me all about themselves - maybe no one they know gives them this opportunity, or has ever bothered to really listen to them before - that they don’t bother to find out who I am! I leave the conversation dissatisfied, while they’ve had a fantastic time!
You dont have to wait for them to ask, you can directly go at it. For example You : what do you have for breakfast? Them : i have toast. You :oh, just toast? You are not hungry? Them : no im not You : wow, i just cant. I have burrito this morning, i need substance. What you working on right now? Them : just this project. Its new in the market im really excited etc etc You : oh, thats awesome. For me, my project is bla bla bla. How is your project going? Them : oh its going well, etc etc You : yeah right now im also on the roll, bla bla. Continue asking question only after you say your own piece about your life.
My life at work has gotten SO MUCH BETTER now that I've been watching your channel for a couple of months (and taking notes and practicing the new skills ofc!) As a late diagnosed autistic adult, I've only recently learned that I had a social deficit. I always used to feel so victimized by the fact that no matter where I went, I was treated like an outsider and a weirdo. I didn't understand why, "when I'm so nice to everyone all the time and I'm a good listener." Turns out there is so much more to social interactions that I was missing. Before I didn't know what I didnt know, you know? But once I learned what to look for, I realized how fixable my problem of other-ness is. How much power I have to change things with just some education and practice. The fact that you explain the WHY behind the things you're teaching, and give step by step instructions/bullet points makes you my absolute favorite teacher on TH-cam. Thank you so much for all you share, and for the way you share it. You're definitely achieving your goal of helping as many people as possible. Just wanted to check in as one of them!!
Thank you for sharing your experience! I am not diagnosed but highly suspect I’m autistic because I’ve been bullied for my lack of social skills and the fact that I don’t emote as much as others do. Ive always known that it was my own fault but I have no clue how to fix it and it’s made me a very lonely and angry person. No one I’ve asked has told me what’s so different about me. This is the first video I’ve seen of his so I’ll watch some others now that I know he can give me the tools to move up in my social skills.
@@udontevenwannaknowbruv The main areas of improvement I've seen are in my social skills. I can tell stories better, listen better, I can speak so people actually listen to me after a lifetime of being ignored and spoken over, I'm more comfortable with being assertive after a lifetime of being a people pleaser, and probably more that I'm not thinking of. Not really trying to write a sources cited essay in the comments, I just really wanted to thank Lewis
@@patrickpence8436 Nah, that completely defeats the purpose. You can't Cliffs Notes self improvement and growth. Just watch the videos that call out to you and take from them what is valuable to YOU. What I needed to hear is not going to be the same as what others need to hear. Y'all gotta put in the hard work yourselves using the resources that meet your individual needs. Best of luck though
I am a psychotherapist and I confirm this is very important to make people feel heard and important. I use these techniques both in therapy and on dates and people always feel very good after our interactions 🙈
Seems to fit in therapy sessions but I know a lot of people who would find it uncomfortable for someone to ask probing questions like that instead of just naturally going with the tone and pace of the topic.
@@proteusblack8913 I don't do it in the same way I would in a session. I am not that stupid not to understand how different contexts require different questions/approaches. I said I use the techniques but this doesn't mean I do it in the exact same way in every situation.
I think most of us feel like we are the ones always asking questions, using these methods, trying to SHOW interest and care and then rarely ever get any reciprocated. People love the stuff you discuss, they eat it up, however it doesn’t guarantee they will show interest back, many will take it for granted and just be satisfied in you showing interest and never giving much back. That’s the shit part of all of this tbh
Word. I genuinely love people and show interest in others by asking these exact type of questions. It is Highly unusual to find someone who also does that to me.but it’s ok because I can cultivate a friendship with them and eventually, over time, we get to know and love and value each other. Some more some less.
I found the building up a safe space interesting. I often hurt peopl I meet by immediately asking them about their passions. Definitely gonna build up to that question.
I agree with this, especially after I read the book 'Chase No More: The Path To Success'. It completely changed my life, changed the way I run conversation with others. I started applying tips writer suggests (and he talks about self-improvement, relationships, dating life, building wealth, men's fashion and style), and I noticed immediately that people (including women) started respecting me a lot more than before. I am finally able to attract anyone and anything I want in my life.
@@TheCrossfire951 I've seen multiple different accounts talking about obscure books that "completely changed their life" without mention of any authors. The common denominator seems to be casanova reads in a quick web search... So I'm more inclined to think that it's a bunch of bots scamming people or trying to get people to buy their 'book'.
You don’t have to think too hard about this if you actually care and are interested in the other person. If you really do, these things will come out naturally.
It does come naturally to a lot of people. However many people it doesn’t come naturally regardless of interest in the other person. As somebody who had terrible social anxiety for years these types of videos helped me improve tremendously.
I have been doing the “followup” thingy for a few years now and i can recommend it all the way. I call it “get curious about someone”. It makes all conversations so easy because you dont need to come up with new topics very often, people love it, because they are so parched for someone to CARE about what they are saying, and you learn a bunch of interesting things (also not so interesting but at least they like you better haha). The only downside is have discovered that over time if you do it too much, people can get used to it. I sometimes get resentful with my fiance or some of my friends when im internally like “well you could ask me some follow ups as well every once in a while”. But then you just have to dial up the assertivity a but and ask them to do the same for you ;)
Like yourself I learned a long time ago that following up and being curious is a great way to have easy flowing conversations. When I first learned and got the hang of it, it felt like a super power and I would be running around deep diving everyone and I was loving it because before learning this I was a right awkward little cunt and it was so refreshing to just enjoy chatting. But similar to yourself once you have been round the block a few times with this over the years you evolve a bit and get a bit fed up with 1 sided conversations. So many people really do not not know how to 'take the bait' as Lewis says, and tbh I just tend to politely and respectfully avoid them these days and gravitate towards and spend my time with those that do.
The best indication of someone showing interest to me is asking questions and knows how to do a follow up to keep the conversation flowing. However the moment I feel that the person is just answering, I just stop talking
😭😭 I'm really hoping your username is intentionally a joke, but just incase it's not, I thought I should let you know that I definitely thought it was "lover of farts and music" at first glance...
This is great to use with other people who are just as curious as you, and who also know how to engage in conversations. I do not recommend doing this with people who are self absorbed and self centered...it becomes very exhausting as they simply will rely on you engaging them constantly. But hopefully those people are watching your videos to learn some of this. I find value in what you are sharing because I am like this already; however I have burned out with doing this with the wrong people.
That’s true. I was devastated when one colleague quit just because he was such a good conversation partner and it struck me that most people lost that ability nowadays. Like how tf we get to this point? I feel like I’m always the one more engaged and listening, waiting for the other person to ask things back but it’s like people just love to hear themselves speak rather than be actually interested and actively listen 😅 I have one friend who always talks for hours and hours until she finally asks me something back. But even then I can sense she’s not listening, just waiting for her turn to speak again. It’s not like I hate it because I actually am more of a listener anyways. I just don’t know if I naturally fall into that role or if I was forced to.
@@udontevenwannaknowbruv I can so relate to your comment, as well as AmyK007's comment. I have found myself in similar situations with friends and acquaintances. I'm more of a listener too, but sometimes I have things I'd like to share. Sometimes I feel sad that others seem either uncaring or obtuse.
I can relate. That's how I felt towards a friend. I started feeling drained and used bc I felt more like her therapist than a friend. Whenever she did ask me a question, it was a bait to again talk about what she wanted to talk about. I started dreading hanging out with her and distanced myself from her.
Ha yeah I have that problem, I'm what people call a "good listener" but sometimes that means I'm listening to everyone's problems and no one takes in interest in my life! Lol
These videos are super helpful to me I have a *really* bad habit to rotate everything around my own experience and make discussions surface level. I have a really bad impulse to just expulse my internal monologue regardless of it's relevance or appropriateness for the conversation so this I really appreciate this 😊
" I have a really bad habit to rotate everything around my own experience and make discussions surface level. " SAME how do I get out of this habit? :')
I never reveal something of my life unless I'm asked. I'm very rarely throwing the "bait", but if I do, it will stay surface level. I have a huge problem sharing stories because I believe they will be boring.
thank you for planting trees so that others may gather the fruit. I cannot speak for all, but can confirm you have changed 3 generations in my family. You are a conduit that wisdom flows from and I pray for many blessings to you and yours. Yahweh (God) be with you.
What's really reassuring about watching this video is to learn that I do a lot of these things very naturally in conversation because taking a genuine interest in people comes very naturally to me. What's enlightening is to realise my ex was TERRIBLE at this stuff, which led me to feeling like she didn't care about me, have any interest in me, or indeed loved me. This video helped me in a way you probably didn't expect, moustached man, thank you!
Why would you answer in a combative or deflected way? There are plenty of ways to answer without using numbers. I think when using one of them, ending with a question about the role and compensation range for the position you seek is a way to keep the conversation focused on mutual respect and control.
Dude- thank you. I’m coming out of a period of my life where I really don’t like too many people anymore and I often feel “fed up” with trying to navigate different social scenes- so many times, I just avoid them. It’s great to learn some tools that are out there that actively help guide the conversations I have in the direction I want, rather than just exposing me for the angry grump I can be sometimes.
I think the key point in being a good conversationalist that's a pattern throughout all of these questions is you're giving the other person agency. In my experience, most people don't mind talking about themselves but at the same time, understand that most people don't usually care to hear about it UNLESS being directly asked about them. Everyone has things they're enthusiastic about, stressed out about, etc. Giving them the feeling that they have the ability to share those things without forcing it is a very powerful tool in conversation. A good listener will always get more out of a conversation than a good speaker
I can conform that "following up" In fact does work with everybody, you can figure out what to follow up if you pay attention to what is brought up the most. like favorite things or perfessions.
Oh my gosh, I love that my good friends and I don't "bait" we just tell each other anything that's important to us. I can totally appreciate these tips though. It can help me with people not in my tight circle. Actually, I'm thinking I need to use these questions with my husband . . . we kind of take each other for granted. Thanks for the inspiration!
On the echo technique: I wish I could remember where I read this, but a study was done on customer satisfaction regarding service (in a food service environment). It was found that customers were happier with their service when the employee would simply repeat back what was said to them than when their choices were complimented (i.e., "great/perfect"). It shows that they're being listened to attentively and their order is being taken accurately.
Since you keep asking: Oatmeal with milk, banana and cacao and a protein shake For my second I had two egg sandwiches one of which also had turkey bacon on it
Actually, we learn how to be civil. That's the (predatorory) human nature we try to suppress. Like at little children and how naturally savage they are 😀 Ever read "Lord of the Flies"?
Pretty recently i was hanging out with this group and this one person, regardless of the conversation topic, only made it about his hyper-specific experience in this one town he grew up in this foreign country. It was baffling and frustrating as hell the way he just stopped any conversation in its tracks by just angrily disagreeing about how his experience differs and his town does this or has this or whatever. No questions trying to follow up on the other person’s experiences and concerns, just making everything about his own experiences in a way that ppl struggle to continue the conversation through, becuz he makes it into a negative, or a rejection of what someone previously said. Definitely helped remind me of what not to do tbh
Thank you for validating the importance of follow up questions. For years, I was made to feel like I was “probing” and intruding on the smallest topics (ex: What are you eating? What was the weather like?) Turns out, the people that give me grief do not understand effective communication and respond solely on emotions.
I believe there is a scenario where follow up questions can be probing. It all lies in moderation and reading the room and how the person is responding to being questioned at all. Communication styles are never universal, but we as humans universally dislike feeling "invaded". When asked a question that is too personal, or too many questions about the details of what we're doing, we tend to automatically take a defensive stance because we feel like our privacy is being invaded. That's because the options we have in that situation are either to continue answering honestly while being irritated and unsettled or we have to side step the questions or stop them all together, all a bad outcome in a conversation with someone. Its never good when the person either keeps answering out of politeness or wants to quiet the questions all together. It's not about the quantity of the follow up questions, it's about their quality. The quality of a follow up question lies in the emotional attachment/investment the person answering has to the answer at all. So asking "meaningless" questions, especially often and alot, like what you had to eat or what the weather was like, when that's something the person answering doesn't care to answer because that's not the information they desire to share the most, can grate on their nerves and make them feel interrogated rather than talked with, worse, and counterproductively, as if they're not heard. That's because they aren't being asked about what they actually want to talk about. Again, it lies in moderation, context, and quality of the questions, and the subtleties matter more than we realise.
I don't particularly care about social situations. Honestly, people can just f off but I love listening to you talk. Your voice is ear candy...the expensive stuff😊
I have been binge watching videos about how to interact and communicate better with other people. I feel like an alien or a baby who was just born yesterday after learning all the things I need to improve on.
I absolutely agree with all you said! It makes sense. I go by the thought that if they don’t ask you any questions about you, then it’s a no brainer- they’re not interested…
Very useful. One point I'd like to add is that asking questions with genuine interest matters. Be careful not to sound like a job interview or MLM recruiter. Obviously we can still practice better conversational skills until it feels more natural.
I’ve been told I ask good questions, and I find that people open up very quickly to me. I’ve even had people tell me they’ve never opened up about something so quickly but I put them at ease. Never thought it was a skill until recently
Ok, ima be that guy- presenter is incredibly handsome (good lord those eyes) and his voice is straight ASMR. Also when Alejandro was like “oh, you’re looking forward to the weekend?” I fell in love AND he has the perfect brand of British accent (yea, I’m American 🤦🏾♂️). Now that I got my thirst out of the way… Man, the content was so good. One of the areas of my job is introducing socially emotional learning to students and adults, and I love his discussion of the power of conversation and how to have engaging conversation and be an effective listener. I know he came from the standpoint of going on a date, but so much of what he said is applicable to regular human interaction. Looking forward to more of his content.
Everyone is their own favourite subject, ask them about themselves and everything to do with them then they'll love you, but providing value is a great skill. Stay Uncommon!
To number 4 I usually say something of similar thinking: "Don't give them the easy way out. Don't give them the answer to the problem, cause they'll gladly take it"
Take Home points for me: 1. Give time before diving into the emotions of conversations 2. Always spin conversation around to the other person for them to speak 3: Mirror them 4. If appropriate dive into the motivations behind peoples actions 5. Focus on how the topic made the person feel. 6. Deflect difficult questions with relevant questions of your own.
You're kidding, right? That's the most offensive and judgemental question ever, never to that to a woman! It only seems to be neutral, but we will read everything between the lines 😉 It translates to "what the h*** are you wearing? You'll dare to go out like this?"
@AdamElkhattabi some people are just bad at conversation. Maybe they lack confidence and are scared to overshare, so share nothing. It's not always because they aren't interested, but that can also be a big factor too
@@armywithluv55 maybe those things aren't interesting to them. It happen a lot to me, what people find interesting, I don't and what I do, they don't. Makes it harder to connect.
Asking for advice is an example of Ben Franklin’s claim that you can get people to like you better by getting them to do you a favour, even a very small one. I’ve tried it in various settings and had good results. Even something as simple as asking a woman I just met to hold my drink for a few seconds can open the door further than small talk alone... I’ve got a mate that gets women to do him favours and they just run after him... the more demanding he is, the better they seem to like him and he plays on it.
4:13 (somewhere around there), the surface also serves as an entry to learning more about the person in front of you, even if they don't have much to speak about. If they don't say much after, the least you'd have learn is that there's not much that they have from that topic.
You just earned yourself a follow and a comment. I love this content because not only is it super informative about concepts dealing with communication skills but it also expands your diction, just due to your extensive vocabulary, as-well! I mean I've never found anyone who uses words like ambivalence in normal conversation until now. Honestly, I love it!
I am trying this with my girlfriend. I want to her to be able to be more comfortable talking to me and I want to make our conversations more easy. It isn’t a problem with us but nothing wrong with trying to be better.
It’s amazing how many people are self focused. I do a social experiment on the people on know sometimes and a majority of people always bring it back to them. They ask no follow up questions or get a little more inquisitive, it always comes back to them - they did it better; They have it worse. It’s sad really 🤦🏻♀️
Unfortunately, there are many people like that. I once had a dinner with a classmate from a course I was doing and for 3 hours she barely let me speak. I am still appalled at how I didn't get up and leave.
@@Ella-te7fe I’m sorry that happened to you. And sad part is if you had walked away somehow you would have been the jerk 🤦🏻♀️ I know that feeling all too well. I was with a friend and I was telling her about this cart I bought to help ease carrying things due to an injury I have. After 3 sentences she completely changed the subject and it’s her bf who ask me how I’m doing and all the questions. She’ll just sit there glazed over or gets up to talk to others. It’s rather astonishing to watch it in real time. I hope you find a friend who listens and takes true interest in your ventures 🤗
Yep, I've known way too many people like that. They'll go on and on and on and on about themselves, and I'll happily ask tons of follow up questions and listen intently and engage in the topics they're interested in... But the moment *I* try to talk for a bit at all, they just gloss right over it and go straight back to themselves. No further questions. No deeper comments beyond some sort of stupid shitty "cool!"/"nice!" sort of thing without any actual substance. I've ended friendships over that because it pissed me off how I always put effort and care into listening to and discussing the things they cared about, even if I personally didn't give a shit about that subject at all, yet they could never be bothered to give a shit about the things I care about for even just a minute or two. And then when I end the friendship they're all confused like "whaaaaat? but we're such good friends! We have such great conversations!" no, asshole, IM a good friend to you, and the conversations are great for YOU, but it's all very one-sided. >:/ (and yes, I did attempt to directly and respectfully communicate about the issue before just ending things, I didn't blindside them with it or anything lol. Yet they still managed to be confused, because like I said, they never actually gave a shit to TRULY listen to anything I said, it was always just in one ear and out the other.)
@@itsmystupidname thanks. That friend doesn't seem to be a true friend. I hope you are doing well now and you have recovered from your injury. That was an acquaintance of mine. I am lucky to have friends who truly care about me 🙂
@@meowJACK yes, those people mention great conversations because they do all the talking without bothering to listen. I am glad you walk away from such "friendships".
This has taught me how to be nicer in conversations. But conversely this also taught me how to be intentionally rude. If you don't care about the conversation, you could just ask something non-related to what they're talking about. Like, "What did you have for breakfast?"
I've learned that there are people I just can't have a conversation because they never never ask anything about me but can literally talk about themselves for hours.
This video reminds me of Chris Voss' Master Class series on negotiations. Would highly recommend for those who want to become better at communicating with others.
I call the "bait" conversational springboards. If you look for them you'll typically find multiple opportunities even within a single sentence to Segway into the next topic of conversation
Great video! But remember your body always says what your mouth doesn’t and if you are purposely shifting a topic to avoid a question people will leave the interaction feeling unsatisfied and confused. Instead try saying the uncomfortable truth comfortably. If you acknowledge your flaws as a natural thing this will show that you are self-aware and comfortable with failure(which is a very admirable quality) thus presenting you even more confident and competent. The key is in being truly comfortable with your downfalls and answering with full confidence. Plus if the reason you dont want to answer is because it is personal or not yours to share be upfront with that say “this is personal” “this is not my story to tell” this will make you seen as an honest and reliable man who can set clear boundaries. Pro tip: always be respectful and always speak with confidence.
This is so great. I’d love to have conversations like this. When I’m on dates with men aged 65-70 they shut right down and change the subject. It’s like these questions put them on the spot.
The echo thing is funny tho. You can spot people who know the technique but dont take it anywhere. They echo but then you can tell they disengaged because it was just a courtesy. Which is kinda just hurtful and insulting. Be better if they hust say they arent interested. Sometimes I see it in ADHD or Autistic friends and they dont mean anything by it but it's an area they need to work on. AndIhave of course done it myself. Point is if youre going to echo, then mean it or don't do it. Better to be genuine with people.
AuDHDer here. We echo not out of courtesy, but more so cause we processed what you said. It's a sign we really listened and feel comfortable around you to actually show it that we took it to heart. We just don't know what to do with the info further and are waiting till you tell us more. Doesn't mean we are not interested, quiet the opposite. Just wanting to let you know the other perspective so you won't feel so bad when u experience this with your friends 😊
@sabserab I appreciate your perspective. But I think it really depends on the person. If you've been around people for years, you start to see how they think and even talk through how you each think, so you kinda know each others patterns. It's not just that people I know are waiting on processing, they already have moved on before letting something breathe. This isn't just an ADHD thing, either. People in general are pretty bad listeners, it's something that should be taught about in deeper ways in schools. I think we as humans, maybe for evolutionary reasons, want to be heard more than to hear.
@@sabserabi also have AuDHD and i only engage in conversation of any kind out of courtesy. if i can walk away i often do. im trying to filter out five other conversations, imitate body language/facial features/tone of voice, remember a script, not get too in my head. i simply don’t care about other peoples lives at all. honestly if a person is talking at me there is minimal chance i am listening
What this video does is clearly distill and focus in on some thoughts I’ve had for many years, but never been able to lay out properly. “What if tried…. Maybe I should…” becomes “do this. Do that. Go here.” It’s a clear game plan for an unassertive socially graceless dolt like me. Nice one.
I'm only halfway through the first month, and my partner was my only person really in my life at that point its been hard but I want to get out there. Best of luck!
I feel you man. A lil over a month now after breaking up with my ex of 5 years. After picking up a new job in a new town it feels refreshing to meet new people.
Have been binge watching your videos. You helped my girl and I grow closer through better communication. Your videos also helped both of us with family issues Thank you for everything you do brother 🙌🏾💜
It's cool seeing these concepts explained out loud because I've kind of accidentally applied some of these ideas at various points in my life where I was making more of an effort to interact with people, and it's cool hearing why some of those things worked. Focusing on what inferences you're making with the phrasing of your question is a big one that I realized I really need to work on.
Thank you for your time & attention. Shouts out to the wasp who joined halfway through 🐝. Here are the 36 questions that lead to love (choose your victims wisely):
Set I
1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?
3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?
5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?
7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?
Set II
13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?
14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?
15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
16. What do you value most in a friendship?
17. What is your most treasured memory?
18. What is your most terrible memory?
19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
20. What does friendship mean to you?
21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?
22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.
23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?
24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?
Set III
25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling ..."
26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share ..."
27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.
28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.
29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.
32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?
34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh thats a lot to write down 😊
Thankyou 🎉
My exes name is Patricia lmao FML
John 3:16 ESV
"For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.
God is so good
❤✝️
🎉😊
The fact that nobody talks about the forbidden book Mareska Manipulation on Vexoner speaks volumes about how people are stuck in a trance
What’s you have for breakfast this morning?
Bros promoting his own books
Use "What did you have for breakfast?" as a wildcard question. Got it.
“Hey!”
“Hi!”
“How are you?”
“What did you have for breakfast?”
“Uhhh, buttered toast i guess. What about you”
*processing*
“Hey you ok there bud? It’s ok if you don’t wanna ta-“
“What did you have for breakfast?”
Buttered sausage
@nnaheim. Oh cool! How was your what did you have for breakfast?
@@abdallahhakeem5185😂😂😂😂😂😂
How would you feel if you didn’t have breakfast this morning?
The only person I ever ask, "What did you have for breakfast?" is myself, to see how good my memory is. Sometimes it takes a while.
and also my fish moments after I feed it, cause it gets pretty lonely in my room
I actually will forget completely 😂 I only eat 1 meal a day most days now, and I will forget if I ate or not 🤣
@@HowieRaps How do you do that? I'm not asking out of admiration, but out of concern for your health because my assumption would be that if someone stays at home and doesn't move much, they don't use energy for moving, hence they can eat less. The problem is that eating all at once is very unhealthy and even if i personally have a problem with overstaying in one place, i can only delay eating and reduce food volumes, but i can't eat once a day. I hope you just worded that in a misunderstandable way and meant "i eat 1 *meal* a day" and not "i eat once a day", difference being that one implies you eat more than once a day, but it's just not a big meal.
5:47 5:53 5:54 6:25
How would you feel if you hadn't?
I remember a co-worker asking me what I've been up to so I answered. It took me like 5 seconds after my response to be like "oh shit she wants me to ask that same question back", and then I asked it. She went super in-depth about a whole business project she's starting up and said 'im glad you asked'. Part of me then realised how socially inept I am XD
This was a running joke in my circle of friends in my twenties: we would ask "what are you reading?" Then without even leaving a gap for a response, launch into a detailed account of the cool book we had just read.
That sounds like the most exhausting yet awesome inside joke ever 😂 how did that even come about?
@@ges735 one of us just observed that that's what people were really doing so we just shortcut the social niceties.
The other one we had was to hang up like they do in the movies (this was the nineties, so physical, wired phones)
"Hey"
"Hey. Going to the park rooms tonight"
"Sure, want a ride"
"8 o'clock?"
"Sure-"
{CLICK} oh he's gone
Jumping into the deep end of conversations almost immediately sounds like a nice change of pace compared to feeling out the conversation and hoping it goes somewhere.
The phone thing is great btw 😆
@@stevecarter8810 Can I ask for a book recommendation, no matter its length or contents, thank you :D
i love you dont have any background music in your videos. just your voice, pure information
I love your pfp
Music is information. And what do you mean by "pure information"? I think you're confused.
I agree. Everyone is trying so hard and their videos become overwhelming. This one is good, calm, real.
I hadnt noticed!
My thoughts exactly. I have a 50% hearing loss in both ears and it drives me batty when I’m trying to listen to a podcast of dialogue and I hear all this weird music in the background. It makes me want to look for something else to listen to. Thank you so much!!!!
Be extremely careful: the more you ask someone for “advice”, the more power they believe they have over you for helping. Some people out there are real narcissists and they need constant recognition
This is more for getting to know new people for the first time
He is not exactly asking for advice , also you can decide to take the advice or not, it’s your choice. So you decide if you would give them the power to controll you or actually make them appreciate you only for asking even if you do whatever
+ by some rare case I aways have asked the questions he suggest not because I wanted to be liked but by honest curiousity (it’s the small things that make people who they are + I really like to read biographical books so I’m highly interested in what and how people think why and how they did their chooses ecc. Sometimes I even get inspired to make changes in my own life based on what they say if it’s useful in my case ) on first dates , and they aways have turned grate.
(Or if the person have tattoos or something particular in them like idk how they are dressed or else , just be curious why they decided to wear that why they decided to do that tattoo , what does it mean to them ecc .. usualy tatios have really deep meanings so trust me you get an extra point on it)
You can even give compliments try to find something you like in them , like once it happened a guy I was on a date on somehow got to the topic about hair , he told me he had long hair but cut it out because of hair recession , he even showed me a photo of him with long hair , and I replyed he look bether now with short hair (becouse it was the truth ) so yeah you can also add genuine compliments. Or even on their character “I like when you said this or that it really made me feel .. “ or “I really like the place you chose - how you know about it , do you come often here “ ecc.
Good point. I've had this happen, but his advice is good in general
1000%
this is my mom in a nutshell! "I will help you to socialize" "Let me give you some advice" when I never asked for anything from her... it's so annoying. Yet, I'm here watching this video because it helps me more than what she tells me since it's things I already know.
me, an autistic person frantically taking notes . thank you kindly sir
🤓📝
Yep, checking in 😅
Did it help you?
This is so real. And same.
Don’t encourage the NTs!! This is totally toxic communication!
I'm one of those people who naturally leans to probing and unwinding these threads, and he's right - people do love it... but it landed me in far too many unbalanced relationships where the others think I'm their best friend, while I grow more and more dejected at the fact that they don't take any of my bait!!
Same.. I'm so sorry for you.
Just volunteer the info. Most people have never experienced good social skills and so dont even know theyre doing something wrong
Lol I know how this goes 😂
Same, but I'm fine with that, as long as they don't dislike me🫠
@@hyphon1377 oof 😅
I’ve started asking people “what brings you joy?” and it’s really changed things for me
What brings you joy?
sebastiansj no, what brings YOU joy?
That is a great one!
silence and solitude
@@lyan117 no, WHAT brings you joy?
1.) follow up: make them talk more about themselves rather than you.
2.) start safe: be comfortable building comfort before asking deep questions.
3.) deflect difficulty: deflect bad/uncomfortable questions with safer related ones.
4.) avoid assumptions: construct questions to be open ended rather than having built in assumptions.
5.) BONUS: I advise you to watch the video to know lol
quick summaries so I remember them better :)
Thank you Genius !
4. is actually the opposite you ask a question with assumptions in mind because you are showing your understanding of the situation and people are far more likely to answer.
Can you give me advice vs. (asking advice). That shows you already admit this person has expertise and knowledge without having to say it directly.
Are there any problems with your phone vs. What are the problems with your phone? Easy to blow off the former while the ladder makes the person feel like the jig is up and they have been caught.
This is good for priming yourself to get over anxiety or whatnot and stay engaged, but the real “secret” to asking the right questions and engaging people is never going to be a checklist. You need to develop in yourself a curiosity about other people and a desire to know them because they are interesting. You do that by first knowing yourself, then knowing that all people are interesting because they are the manifestation of a billion word monologue they’ve been saying to themselves and editing down for their entire lives. You must also realize that you and another person might not necessarily find common ground or be very interested in the same things and since relationships are two-ways, forcing anything makes it awkward or worse for both parties. The real lesson is, be happy and confident enough with who you are to make room for others.
lots of wisdom in this comment
Mom: Do you plan to have to have kids?
Me: Do you have kids?
Me: What did you have for breakfast?
@@matthewmizrachi1877😂
AHAHHAHHA
😂😂
😂😂😂
Yes, I do this. Problem is others don’t. What do I mean? I’m in a conversation with someone, I ask them follow up questions. They’re so excited to tell me all about themselves - maybe no one they know gives them this opportunity, or has ever bothered to really listen to them before - that they don’t bother to find out who I am! I leave the conversation dissatisfied, while they’ve had a fantastic time!
I feel this
Sometimes I say 'now ask me a question' I wish I didn't have to say that
You dont have to wait for them to ask, you can directly go at it.
For example
You : what do you have for breakfast?
Them : i have toast.
You :oh, just toast? You are not hungry?
Them : no im not
You : wow, i just cant. I have burrito this morning, i need substance. What you working on right now?
Them : just this project. Its new in the market im really excited etc etc
You : oh, thats awesome. For me, my project is bla bla bla. How is your project going?
Them : oh its going well, etc etc
You : yeah right now im also on the roll, bla bla.
Continue asking question only after you say your own piece about your life.
My life at work has gotten SO MUCH BETTER now that I've been watching your channel for a couple of months (and taking notes and practicing the new skills ofc!) As a late diagnosed autistic adult, I've only recently learned that I had a social deficit. I always used to feel so victimized by the fact that no matter where I went, I was treated like an outsider and a weirdo. I didn't understand why, "when I'm so nice to everyone all the time and I'm a good listener." Turns out there is so much more to social interactions that I was missing. Before I didn't know what I didnt know, you know? But once I learned what to look for, I realized how fixable my problem of other-ness is. How much power I have to change things with just some education and practice.
The fact that you explain the WHY behind the things you're teaching, and give step by step instructions/bullet points makes you my absolute favorite teacher on TH-cam. Thank you so much for all you share, and for the way you share it. You're definitely achieving your goal of helping as many people as possible. Just wanted to check in as one of them!!
Thank you for sharing your experience! I am not diagnosed but highly suspect I’m autistic because I’ve been bullied for my lack of social skills and the fact that I don’t emote as much as others do. Ive always known that it was my own fault but I have no clue how to fix it and it’s made me a very lonely and angry person. No one I’ve asked has told me what’s so different about me. This is the first video I’ve seen of his so I’ll watch some others now that I know he can give me the tools to move up in my social skills.
Can you tell me what things you fixed specifically?
@@udontevenwannaknowbruv The main areas of improvement I've seen are in my social skills. I can tell stories better, listen better, I can speak so people actually listen to me after a lifetime of being ignored and spoken over, I'm more comfortable with being assertive after a lifetime of being a people pleaser, and probably more that I'm not thinking of. Not really trying to write a sources cited essay in the comments, I just really wanted to thank Lewis
Could you share your notes?
@@patrickpence8436 Nah, that completely defeats the purpose. You can't Cliffs Notes self improvement and growth. Just watch the videos that call out to you and take from them what is valuable to YOU. What I needed to hear is not going to be the same as what others need to hear. Y'all gotta put in the hard work yourselves using the resources that meet your individual needs. Best of luck though
I am a psychotherapist and I confirm this is very important to make people feel heard and important. I use these techniques both in therapy and on dates and people always feel very good after our interactions 🙈
But how do you feel? Do you ever feel seen? 🤔
@@n8works yes I do because I talk a lot too
It's seen then they try to hard.
Also it well done good by some managers with social skills especially in marketing
Seems to fit in therapy sessions but I know a lot of people who would find it uncomfortable for someone to ask probing questions like that instead of just naturally going with the tone and pace of the topic.
@@proteusblack8913 I don't do it in the same way I would in a session. I am not that stupid not to understand how different contexts require different questions/approaches.
I said I use the techniques but this doesn't mean I do it in the exact same way in every situation.
I think most of us feel like we are the ones always asking questions, using these methods, trying to SHOW interest and care and then rarely ever get any reciprocated. People love the stuff you discuss, they eat it up, however it doesn’t guarantee they will show interest back, many will take it for granted and just be satisfied in you showing interest and never giving much back. That’s the shit part of all of this tbh
So true! It tells me if I'd like to talk with them again. So that's something. If they don't give back eventually, I move on.
@@GuineaPigEveryday yep
It's sad, really. Most people just want to get back to looking at their phone.
Word. I genuinely love people and show interest in others by asking these exact type of questions. It is Highly unusual to find someone who also does that to me.but it’s ok because I can cultivate a friendship with them and eventually, over time, we get to know and love and value each other. Some more some less.
I found the building up a safe space interesting. I often hurt peopl I meet by immediately asking them about their passions. Definitely gonna build up to that question.
I agree with this, especially after I read the book 'Chase No More: The Path To Success'. It completely changed my life, changed the way I run conversation with others. I started applying tips writer suggests (and he talks about self-improvement, relationships, dating life, building wealth, men's fashion and style), and I noticed immediately that people (including women) started respecting me a lot more than before. I am finally able to attract anyone and anything I want in my life.
Who's the author?
@@TheCrossfire951 I've seen multiple different accounts talking about obscure books that "completely changed their life" without mention of any authors. The common denominator seems to be casanova reads in a quick web search... So I'm more inclined to think that it's a bunch of bots scamming people or trying to get people to buy their 'book'.
@@TheCrossfire951asking questions you can easily look up? 😉 It's a bot anyway.
@@TheCrossfire951 sean Bennet
@@TheCrossfire951 David N
It's interesting that Social Secrets Mastery remains a hidden gem-maybe that's why most people struggle with social skills.
Spam bot
You don’t have to think too hard about this if you actually care and are interested in the other person. If you really do, these things will come out naturally.
Thanks, finally someone saying it.
Please don't fake interest in another person if you just aren't, maybe?
Someone asked about my hobbies and interest and I tell them and they 'poof' gone.
I had social anxiety for 20 years so nothing comes naturally to me.
@@SteveChiller Sounds like a _them_ problem.
It does come naturally to a lot of people. However many people it doesn’t come naturally regardless of interest in the other person. As somebody who had terrible social anxiety for years these types of videos helped me improve tremendously.
doing this with my guy friends, will update you later
Edit: he asked me what was wrong XD
commenting so I get the updates
Yagagaga
@@cozycasasmr4510waiting for feedback
I wonder how this goes
good luck 👍
I have been doing the “followup” thingy for a few years now and i can recommend it all the way. I call it “get curious about someone”. It makes all conversations so easy because you dont need to come up with new topics very often, people love it, because they are so parched for someone to CARE about what they are saying, and you learn a bunch of interesting things (also not so interesting but at least they like you better haha). The only downside is have discovered that over time if you do it too much, people can get used to it. I sometimes get resentful with my fiance or some of my friends when im internally like “well you could ask me some follow ups as well every once in a while”. But then you just have to dial up the assertivity a but and ask them to do the same for you ;)
Like yourself I learned a long time ago that following up and being curious is a great way to have easy flowing conversations. When I first learned and got the hang of it, it felt like a super power and I would be running around deep diving everyone and I was loving it because before learning this I was a right awkward little cunt and it was so refreshing to just enjoy chatting. But similar to yourself once you have been round the block a few times with this over the years you evolve a bit and get a bit fed up with 1 sided conversations. So many people really do not not know how to 'take the bait' as Lewis says, and tbh I just tend to politely and respectfully avoid them these days and gravitate towards and spend my time with those that do.
What I learned is that I took for granted my natural ability to do this. I never thought of it as a skill, I’m just curious and love connecting.
I dont think people understand how important this video is
I'm German, not sure if I geht everything in a right way. But I would strongly tend, that you're right!
Can relate
I do understand. This is extremely valuable.
You don’t think people understand how important this is. What makes you think that?
@@MikeMisbach😂
The best indication of someone showing interest to me is asking questions and knows how to do a follow up to keep the conversation flowing. However the moment I feel that the person is just answering, I just stop talking
😭😭 I'm really hoping your username is intentionally a joke, but just incase it's not, I thought I should let you know that I definitely thought it was "lover of farts and music" at first glance...
@@meowJACK i just realized :(
This is great to use with other people who are just as curious as you, and who also know how to engage in conversations. I do not recommend doing this with people who are self absorbed and self centered...it becomes very exhausting as they simply will rely on you engaging them constantly.
But hopefully those people are watching your videos to learn some of this.
I find value in what you are sharing because I am like this already; however I have burned out with doing this with the wrong people.
this is normal for me. but most people love talking to me. but they are talking for ever and never ask back
Most people do not understand what true interaction is.
That’s true. I was devastated when one colleague quit just because he was such a good conversation partner and it struck me that most people lost that ability nowadays. Like how tf we get to this point? I feel like I’m always the one more engaged and listening, waiting for the other person to ask things back but it’s like people just love to hear themselves speak rather than be actually interested and actively listen 😅
I have one friend who always talks for hours and hours until she finally asks me something back. But even then I can sense she’s not listening, just waiting for her turn to speak again.
It’s not like I hate it because I actually am more of a listener anyways. I just don’t know if I naturally fall into that role or if I was forced to.
@@udontevenwannaknowbruv I can so relate to your comment, as well as AmyK007's comment. I have found myself in similar situations with friends and acquaintances. I'm more of a listener too, but sometimes I have things I'd like to share. Sometimes I feel sad that others seem either uncaring or obtuse.
I can relate. That's how I felt towards a friend. I started feeling drained and used bc I felt more like her therapist than a friend. Whenever she did ask me a question, it was a bait to again talk about what she wanted to talk about. I started dreading hanging out with her and distanced myself from her.
Ha yeah I have that problem, I'm what people call a "good listener" but sometimes that means I'm listening to everyone's problems and no one takes in interest in my life! Lol
These videos are super helpful to me I have a *really* bad habit to rotate everything around my own experience and make discussions surface level. I have a really bad impulse to just expulse my internal monologue regardless of it's relevance or appropriateness for the conversation so this I really appreciate this 😊
You just summarized my life
" I have a really bad habit to rotate everything around my own experience and make discussions surface level. "
SAME how do I get out of this habit? :')
same
@@BIZaGotenjust listen to your environment & dont react
I never reveal something of my life unless I'm asked. I'm very rarely throwing the "bait", but if I do, it will stay surface level. I have a huge problem sharing stories because I believe they will be boring.
There is so many ins and outs when it comes to actually talking and communicating with people, it’s fun when you start to make it a game
thank you for planting trees so that others may gather the fruit. I cannot speak for all, but can confirm you have changed 3 generations in my family. You are a conduit that wisdom flows from and I pray for many blessings to you and yours. Yahweh (God) be with you.
You :
It doesn't have any problems, does it?
The phone seller who watched Newel video:
Do you want problems?
Me: What did you have for breakfast?
@@TakuTePuke-qd6df Me: Why do you love traveling?
You’re very funny 😂
😂
How would you feel if it were to have problems? 🤔
What's really reassuring about watching this video is to learn that I do a lot of these things very naturally in conversation because taking a genuine interest in people comes very naturally to me. What's enlightening is to realise my ex was TERRIBLE at this stuff, which led me to feeling like she didn't care about me, have any interest in me, or indeed loved me. This video helped me in a way you probably didn't expect, moustached man, thank you!
Update: Was at a job interview and was asked what my previous salary was. I replied with "How many kids do you have?"... They didn't like that.
In all serious though loved this video! thanks for the great tips :)
You should of asked them “What did you have for breakfast?” and they would have hired you on the spot.
@@Ja_mobRecords *should have asked.
@@Ja_mobRecords*should've
Why would you answer in a combative or deflected way?
There are plenty of ways to answer without using numbers.
I think when using one of them, ending with a question about the role and compensation range for the position you seek is a way to keep the conversation focused on mutual respect and control.
Dude- thank you.
I’m coming out of a period of my life where I really don’t like too many people anymore and I often feel “fed up” with trying to navigate different social scenes- so many times, I just avoid them.
It’s great to learn some tools that are out there that actively help guide the conversations I have in the direction I want, rather than just exposing me for the angry grump I can be sometimes.
I think the key point in being a good conversationalist that's a pattern throughout all of these questions is you're giving the other person agency. In my experience, most people don't mind talking about themselves but at the same time, understand that most people don't usually care to hear about it UNLESS being directly asked about them. Everyone has things they're enthusiastic about, stressed out about, etc. Giving them the feeling that they have the ability to share those things without forcing it is a very powerful tool in conversation. A good listener will always get more out of a conversation than a good speaker
I can conform that "following up" In fact does work with everybody, you can figure out what to follow up if you pay attention to what is brought up the most. like favorite things or perfessions.
Oh my gosh, I love that my good friends and I don't "bait" we just tell each other anything that's important to us. I can totally appreciate these tips though. It can help me with people not in my tight circle. Actually, I'm thinking I need to use these questions with my husband . . . we kind of take each other for granted. Thanks for the inspiration!
On the echo technique: I wish I could remember where I read this, but a study was done on customer satisfaction regarding service (in a food service environment). It was found that customers were happier with their service when the employee would simply repeat back what was said to them than when their choices were complimented (i.e., "great/perfect").
It shows that they're being listened to attentively and their order is being taken accurately.
I want to say I read that in Never Split the Difference
You definitely embody your last sentence/outro. To be disciplined, playful and dangerous. Your awesome man, thanks for the vid!!
Since you keep asking:
Oatmeal with milk, banana and cacao and a protein shake
For my second I had two egg sandwiches one of which also had turkey bacon on it
Who’s this message to 😂
@@benny7899 Watch the video again 😛
HAHAH !
Nice breakfast bro/sis
Second breakfast? You a hobbit? 👁️👁️
It's funny, if not sad. that as a naturally born humans, we need to learn how to be humans. From a man with a good voice, I do appreciate your voice!
Actually, we learn how to be civil. That's the (predatorory) human nature we try to suppress. Like at little children and how naturally savage they are 😀 Ever read "Lord of the Flies"?
@@annazann7236 I'm aware of the story in that book
It's giving strong "Shia LaBeouf" aesthetically.
Better looking than Shia.
Yessss haha and AI voice
Pretty recently i was hanging out with this group and this one person, regardless of the conversation topic, only made it about his hyper-specific experience in this one town he grew up in this foreign country. It was baffling and frustrating as hell the way he just stopped any conversation in its tracks by just angrily disagreeing about how his experience differs and his town does this or has this or whatever. No questions trying to follow up on the other person’s experiences and concerns, just making everything about his own experiences in a way that ppl struggle to continue the conversation through, becuz he makes it into a negative, or a rejection of what someone previously said. Definitely helped remind me of what not to do tbh
Thank you for validating the importance of follow up questions. For years, I was made to feel like I was “probing” and intruding on the smallest topics (ex: What are you eating? What was the weather like?) Turns out, the people that give me grief do not understand effective communication and respond solely on emotions.
I believe there is a scenario where follow up questions can be probing. It all lies in moderation and reading the room and how the person is responding to being questioned at all. Communication styles are never universal, but we as humans universally dislike feeling "invaded". When asked a question that is too personal, or too many questions about the details of what we're doing, we tend to automatically take a defensive stance because we feel like our privacy is being invaded. That's because the options we have in that situation are either to continue answering honestly while being irritated and unsettled or we have to side step the questions or stop them all together, all a bad outcome in a conversation with someone. Its never good when the person either keeps answering out of politeness or wants to quiet the questions all together.
It's not about the quantity of the follow up questions, it's about their quality. The quality of a follow up question lies in the emotional attachment/investment the person answering has to the answer at all. So asking "meaningless" questions, especially often and alot, like what you had to eat or what the weather was like, when that's something the person answering doesn't care to answer because that's not the information they desire to share the most, can grate on their nerves and make them feel interrogated rather than talked with, worse, and counterproductively, as if they're not heard. That's because they aren't being asked about what they actually want to talk about.
Again, it lies in moderation, context, and quality of the questions, and the subtleties matter more than we realise.
I don't particularly care about social situations. Honestly, people can just f off but I love listening to you talk. Your voice is ear candy...the expensive stuff😊
Me too, people shit me when I give my solution or knowledge but ignored, so no more of myself to anyone ignoring me.
The ultimate sign that i should ask her out finally :')
Never knowing hurts more than a rejection trust
@@Tallerixoou funny
if i don't hear back from you i'll know what she said
now you got no chance not to, keep us updated:3
I did, two days ago, she said no
I have been binge watching videos about how to interact and communicate better with other people. I feel like an alien or a baby who was just born yesterday after learning all the things I need to improve on.
Bro the way you talk 📈
I absolutely agree with all you said! It makes sense. I go by the thought that if they don’t ask you any questions about you, then it’s a no brainer- they’re not interested…
0:09 classic thought of not going as deep as I wanted to
Excellent advice, a good reminder for times like now when I’m required to remove my head from my a*se. Thank you. You’re a smart fella. 🙏
These videos are so helpful. They open my eyes up to becoming more self aware. And they help me with remembering to think before I speak.
Very useful. One point I'd like to add is that asking questions with genuine interest matters. Be careful not to sound like a job interview or MLM recruiter. Obviously we can still practice better conversational skills until it feels more natural.
12:30 I love how he instantly had to clarify
I find it funnier he had to clarify what x is at 5:44
I’ve been told I ask good questions, and I find that people open up very quickly to me. I’ve even had people tell me they’ve never opened up about something so quickly but I put them at ease. Never thought it was a skill until recently
''Alejandro is a bit of a long name, let's call you Ally. Sorry sir. WOAH'' - as he squares up to his own stick figure drawing
he spent 4hrs drawing that. it deserves the respect.
Lol 😂😂😂
Right? Five star content right here. People either have it or have not. Poor Alejandro. He didnt have it.
Ok, ima be that guy- presenter is incredibly handsome (good lord those eyes) and his voice is straight ASMR. Also when Alejandro was like “oh, you’re looking forward to the weekend?” I fell in love AND he has the perfect brand of British accent (yea, I’m American 🤦🏾♂️).
Now that I got my thirst out of the way…
Man, the content was so good. One of the areas of my job is introducing socially emotional learning to students and adults, and I love his discussion of the power of conversation and how to have engaging conversation and be an effective listener. I know he came from the standpoint of going on a date, but so much of what he said is applicable to regular human interaction. Looking forward to more of his content.
Everyone is their own favourite subject, ask them about themselves and everything to do with them then they'll love you, but providing value is a great skill. Stay Uncommon!
It's impossible not liking you!!! You are the bestie version of a reliable and comic friend!
To number 4 I usually say something of similar thinking:
"Don't give them the easy way out. Don't give them the answer to the problem, cause they'll gladly take it"
Take Home points for me:
1. Give time before diving into the emotions of conversations
2. Always spin conversation around to the other person for them to speak
3: Mirror them
4. If appropriate dive into the motivations behind peoples actions
5. Focus on how the topic made the person feel.
6. Deflect difficult questions with relevant questions of your own.
For the wife one, you can ask “what look or style were you looking to go for today?” Then u can base ur answer off of that without offending them lol
You're kidding, right? That's the most offensive and judgemental question ever, never to that to a woman! It only seems to be neutral, but we will read everything between the lines 😉
It translates to "what the h*** are you wearing? You'll dare to go out like this?"
First time a yt video was so valuable i watched it twice. Excellent resource, thank you kindly. My life is permanently enriched & enhanced.
was about to click off the video and go to sleep but the outro rizzed me to watch another. is this what love feels like?
This video is a gem.
Thank you
5:25 8:50 15:24
Another way to get into the discussion regarding the phone's problems is "What made you decide to sell this phone?"
Brilliant!
Usually I get answers like "I'm upgrading to something new" which doesn't tell anything about problems the phone has
Dude. I need one of these videos for having new conversations with long term relationships. My sister, my man, my bestie, my teenagers, etc.
2:27 i hate when im talking to someone and asking a lot of interesting things but all i got are closed answer...
THAT MEANS HE IS NOT INTERESTED IN THE CONVO
that is..an avoidant.
@AdamElkhattabi some people are just bad at conversation. Maybe they lack confidence and are scared to overshare, so share nothing.
It's not always because they aren't interested, but that can also be a big factor too
@@kirotheavenger60yup,thats another point
@@armywithluv55 maybe those things aren't interesting to them. It happen a lot to me, what people find interesting, I don't and what I do, they don't. Makes it harder to connect.
Asking for advice is an example of Ben Franklin’s claim that you can get people to like you better by getting them to do you a favour, even a very small one.
I’ve tried it in various settings and had good results. Even something as simple as asking a woman I just met to hold my drink for a few seconds can open the door further than small talk alone...
I’ve got a mate that gets women to do him favours and they just run after him... the more demanding he is, the better they seem to like him and he plays on it.
4:13 (somewhere around there), the surface also serves as an entry to learning more about the person in front of you, even if they don't have much to speak about. If they don't say much after, the least you'd have learn is that there's not much that they have from that topic.
You just earned yourself a follow and a comment. I love this content because not only is it super informative about concepts dealing with communication skills but it also expands your diction, just due to your extensive vocabulary, as-well! I mean I've never found anyone who uses words like ambivalence in normal conversation until now. Honestly, I love it!
Hahaha! Who would've known my use of ambivalence would've won you over ;) Welcome to the community comrade! It's a pleasure to have you here.
Lew
@@NewelOfKnowledge ofc man 🤣
didn’t know Shia Labeouf would teach me about communication today but here we are 😂
Shia Labeouf isn't BRITISH
@@RobTFilms the joke went over your head bro ;-;
But imo he looks way hotter than Shia lol
I am trying this with my girlfriend. I want to her to be able to be more comfortable talking to me and I want to make our conversations more easy. It isn’t a problem with us but nothing wrong with trying to be better.
It’s amazing how many people are self focused. I do a social experiment on the people on know sometimes and a majority of people always bring it back to them. They ask no follow up questions or get a little more inquisitive, it always comes back to them - they did it better; They have it worse. It’s sad really 🤦🏻♀️
Unfortunately, there are many people like that. I once had a dinner with a classmate from a course I was doing and for 3 hours she barely let me speak. I am still appalled at how I didn't get up and leave.
@@Ella-te7fe I’m sorry that happened to you. And sad part is if you had walked away somehow you would have been the jerk 🤦🏻♀️ I know that feeling all too well. I was with a friend and I was telling her about this cart I bought to help ease carrying things due to an injury I have. After 3 sentences she completely changed the subject and it’s her bf who ask me how I’m doing and all the questions. She’ll just sit there glazed over or gets up to talk to others. It’s rather astonishing to watch it in real time. I hope you find a friend who listens and takes true interest in your ventures 🤗
Yep, I've known way too many people like that. They'll go on and on and on and on about themselves, and I'll happily ask tons of follow up questions and listen intently and engage in the topics they're interested in... But the moment *I* try to talk for a bit at all, they just gloss right over it and go straight back to themselves. No further questions. No deeper comments beyond some sort of stupid shitty "cool!"/"nice!" sort of thing without any actual substance.
I've ended friendships over that because it pissed me off how I always put effort and care into listening to and discussing the things they cared about, even if I personally didn't give a shit about that subject at all, yet they could never be bothered to give a shit about the things I care about for even just a minute or two. And then when I end the friendship they're all confused like "whaaaaat? but we're such good friends! We have such great conversations!" no, asshole, IM a good friend to you, and the conversations are great for YOU, but it's all very one-sided. >:/ (and yes, I did attempt to directly and respectfully communicate about the issue before just ending things, I didn't blindside them with it or anything lol. Yet they still managed to be confused, because like I said, they never actually gave a shit to TRULY listen to anything I said, it was always just in one ear and out the other.)
@@itsmystupidname thanks. That friend doesn't seem to be a true friend. I hope you are doing well now and you have recovered from your injury. That was an acquaintance of mine. I am lucky to have friends who truly care about me 🙂
@@meowJACK yes, those people mention great conversations because they do all the talking without bothering to listen. I am glad you walk away from such "friendships".
Not me watching this before a first date in years, thanks for teaching me how to people.
i think i understand. never ask what anyone had for breakfast ever
It’s obvious to me that one should show an interest in others,
Be nice and respond to their conversation
It’s nice to be nice
I don't want people to "love" me. "Love" is the harbinger of expectation.
Okay? 😭
I do, because I have a willingness to do my best to meet others' expectations so long as they are reasonable and healthy ❤️
Your speech is remarkably articulate and fluid-truly a pleasure to listen to.
This has taught me how to be nicer in conversations. But conversely this also taught me how to be intentionally rude. If you don't care about the conversation, you could just ask something non-related to what they're talking about. Like, "What did you have for breakfast?"
Sometimes you just don't want to be bothered by people. 😂
Just found your channel and I love the simplistic setup, profound insights, references to books, the humor and calm. Thank you so much! 💛✨
Best channel I have come across this year... thank you!
I've learned that there are people I just can't have a conversation because they never never ask anything about me but can literally talk about themselves for hours.
This video reminds me of Chris Voss' Master Class series on negotiations. Would highly recommend for those who want to become better at communicating with others.
I second this comment , I watched his masterclass as well and it was excellent!
I've tried the 36 questions over weeks. ❤. It goes very deep very quickly. Moreso than normal conversation. Choose careful who you do it with.
I call the "bait" conversational springboards. If you look for them you'll typically find multiple opportunities even within a single sentence to Segway into the next topic of conversation
Great video! But remember your body always says what your mouth doesn’t and if you are purposely shifting a topic to avoid a question people will leave the interaction feeling unsatisfied and confused. Instead try saying the uncomfortable truth comfortably. If you acknowledge your flaws as a natural thing this will show that you are self-aware and comfortable with failure(which is a very admirable quality) thus presenting you even more confident and competent. The key is in being truly comfortable with your downfalls and answering with full confidence. Plus if the reason you dont want to answer is because it is personal or not yours to share be upfront with that say “this is personal” “this is not my story to tell” this will make you seen as an honest and reliable man who can set clear boundaries.
Pro tip: always be respectful and always speak with confidence.
the key to successful relationships has always been active listening
this is exactly what I do make people talk passionately about what they love / hobbies and keep open minded about it literally probe their soul
This guy reminds me of Captain Jack Sparrow if he was more literate and well-spoken. And wasn't a pirate.
😂
This is so great. I’d love to have conversations like this. When I’m on dates with men aged 65-70 they shut right down and change the subject. It’s like these questions put them on the spot.
The echo thing is funny tho. You can spot people who know the technique but dont take it anywhere. They echo but then you can tell they disengaged because it was just a courtesy. Which is kinda just hurtful and insulting. Be better if they hust say they arent interested. Sometimes I see it in ADHD or Autistic friends and they dont mean anything by it but it's an area they need to work on. AndIhave of course done it myself. Point is if youre going to echo, then mean it or don't do it. Better to be genuine with people.
AuDHDer here. We echo not out of courtesy, but more so cause we processed what you said. It's a sign we really listened and feel comfortable around you to actually show it that we took it to heart.
We just don't know what to do with the info further and are waiting till you tell us more. Doesn't mean we are not interested, quiet the opposite. Just wanting to let you know the other perspective so you won't feel so bad when u experience this with your friends 😊
@sabserab I appreciate your perspective. But I think it really depends on the person. If you've been around people for years, you start to see how they think and even talk through how you each think, so you kinda know each others patterns. It's not just that people I know are waiting on processing, they already have moved on before letting something breathe. This isn't just an ADHD thing, either. People in general are pretty bad listeners, it's something that should be taught about in deeper ways in schools. I think we as humans, maybe for evolutionary reasons, want to be heard more than to hear.
"You looking forward towards next week"
"Nah"
@@sabserabi also have AuDHD and i only engage in conversation of any kind out of courtesy. if i can walk away i often do. im trying to filter out five other conversations, imitate body language/facial features/tone of voice, remember a script, not get too in my head. i simply don’t care about other peoples lives at all. honestly if a person is talking at me there is minimal chance i am listening
What this video does is clearly distill and focus in on some thoughts I’ve had for many years, but never been able to lay out properly. “What if tried…. Maybe I should…” becomes “do this. Do that. Go here.”
It’s a clear game plan for an unassertive socially graceless dolt like me. Nice one.
1:50 I actually do the opposite. When I know someone wants me to ask them the same question I switch the conversation 😂
I've been broken up with the ex for a month after 3 years only today I feel up for socialising about to use these questions tonight if I fancy it 😂
I'm only halfway through the first month, and my partner was my only person really in my life at that point its been hard but I want to get out there. Best of luck!
I feel you man. A lil over a month now after breaking up with my ex of 5 years. After picking up a new job in a new town it feels refreshing to meet new people.
Have been binge watching your videos.
You helped my girl and I grow closer through better communication. Your videos also helped both of us with family issues
Thank you for everything you do brother 🙌🏾💜
The forbidden wisdom
It's cool seeing these concepts explained out loud because I've kind of accidentally applied some of these ideas at various points in my life where I was making more of an effort to interact with people, and it's cool hearing why some of those things worked.
Focusing on what inferences you're making with the phrasing of your question is a big one that I realized I really need to work on.
I appreciate the seek advice concept.
Wow! I love how easy you make it to understand and all the examples. You articulate so clearly and love all these practical advice, thank you!