Feel Guilty For Setting Boundaries? Here's How to Stop - Terri Cole
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 7 ส.ค. 2024
- When you say “no” to someone, do you often feel immense guilt afterward?
Or do you second-guess your boundaries after setting them?
I have seen a lot of my therapy clients sacrifice their boundaries due to guilt. But letting guilt sabotage our efforts to have healthy boundaries is a one-way ticket to Bitter Town.
Boundaries are meant to protect ourselves and our relationships. They deepen our connections. Yet, many of us still feel guilty for having and enforcing boundaries.
This episode is about deepening our understanding of post-boundary setting guilt. I talk about what you can do to combat it, how to tell if it is actually guilt you are feeling, and when feeling guilty may be appropriate.
Grab the free guide that goes along with this episode here: www.terricole.com/stop-feelin...
Time Stamps
0:00 - Introduction
1:30 - What are boundaries?
2:09 - Disordered boundaries
4:18 - Is it actually guilt?
5:12 - HSPs & empaths
6:00 - Self-abandonment
6:50 - Your relationship with yourself
8:25 - Obligation
9:38 - Demands are not boundaries
10:55 - Dial into your intention
12:33 - The Boundary Boss Workbook
12:57 - Highlighting a comment
If You Enjoyed This, Watch These Videos
• The Emotional Rollerco... - The Emotional Rollercoaster of Boundary Setting
• Less Self Abandonment ... - Less Self-Abandonment, More Self-Love Now
• Become Shameless & Los... - Become Shameless and Lose the Guilt, Too
• Setting a Healthy Boun... - Setting a Healthy Boundary vs Being a Jerk
• A Boundary vs an Ultim... - Boundary vs an Ultimatum: What's the Difference?
About Terri Cole
Terri Cole is a licensed psychotherapist, global relationship and empowerment expert, and the author of Boundary Boss-The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen and (Finally) Live Free.
For over two decades, Terri has worked with a diverse group of clients that includes everyone from stay-at-home moms to celebrities and Fortune 500 CEOs.
She has a gift for making complex psychological concepts accessible and actionable so that clients and students achieve sustainable change. She inspires over 450,000 people weekly through her blog, social media platform, signature courses, and her popular podcast, The Terri Cole Show. For more, see www.terricole.com/
Connect With Me
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Podcast: terricole.com/itunes
Resources to Check out
Boundary Boss Book: boundarybossbook.com/
The Boundary Boss Workbook: boundarybossworkbook.com
BetterHelp: betterhelp.com/terricole
I’m not currently taking any new one-on-one therapy or coaching clients, but highly recommend using BetterHelp to find a therapist that fits your needs. As a team, we have fully vetted BetterHelp's resources. If you choose to sign up for Better Help's service, I will receive a commission on the referral but please know that I only recommend services that I know & trust.
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#terricoleshow #settingboundaries #boundaries
Let me know below: do you struggle with feelings of guilt after setting a boundary? Do you think it might be fear instead? How will you try navigating through this guilt so you can stand by your boundaries? Remember to grab the guide here: www.terricole.com/stop-feeling-guilty-for-setting-boundaries-guide
I think it's fear. i know it now. Thanks Terri. i am scared of rejection or not pleasing others but yes i need to please myself or else i will be filled with resentment. i know what i need and i don't need to feel guilty of it
I often feel like I am being “mean” when I set a boundary. I think my people pleasing tendencies get activated and I fear losing acceptance, belonging and love.
I do too, especially if the consequences of crossing the boundary will result in a particularly unpleasant or challenging situation for the other person. Ex: if you aren't willing to respect the requests I've made while staying as a guest in my house (no drugs, no excessive noise after midnight out of consideration for neighbors, etc), you are not welcome to stay here. The person would effectively be rendered homeless if I upheld the boundary, and I would feel like a horrible person for putting someone out of my home knowing they're sleeping in their car.
Backing down means I'm miserable, anxious, hurt, resentful, disappointed, etc etc etc... My mind tells me "at least I'm not withholding shelter from someone who is without it."
Intellectually I see I am not being mean, but that guilt is so massive and reinforced by their reaction: " how could you do this to me?"
Ughhh... 🤦♀️
I see you ❤️ I was caught up in this in my 20s as well, when I was codependent with literally everyone. (I let someone stay at my place who I had known for all of a weekend.) The thing is, if we are helping someone out, it is likely we did not do anything to them. How they came to be in their situation was not due to us. This is not our guilt or burden to carry. And by helping, sometimes we are enabling someone to the extent they avoid changing their life around.
This can be complicated and difficult, especially when you're talking about someone being homeless, but at the end of the day, if you feel like you need to give your home over to someone else and cannot have boundaries, as you say, you end up miserable and resentful. I am all for helping people within our limits, so I am not saying we shouldn't ever help, but we need to take a step back sometimes and see the situation for what it is, however painful that may be. ❤️ Perhaps this looks like suggesting a time frame for them moving out, giving them some resources they can look into, etc. so that it's not abrupt.
Same & Thank you
This topic was very timely for me. I recently set a boundary and was absolutely panicked and anxiety-ridden doing so. Now I recognize it as fear and not that I’m a bad person, rather that I’m protecting my SELF. I’m a peace loving person and anything confrontational feels extremely uncomfortable for me. I just need to not be afraid to protect myself. Brilliant! Thanks Terri! ❤
Exactly what has brought me here that is my current situation
Thank you so much for sharing. I think this is common- lots of folks were raised to associate conflict with something bad. I like to think of it as "working something out" as that can feel less threatening. ❤️
I recently had an old friend manipulate me and after the event, I tried to take some time to process what happened but she wouldn't leave me alone to do so. After the 3rd day I expressed how I felt and put down boundaries. She has since blocked me on everything and through the grieving process of losing this friend I felt TONS of guilt. She had lots of struggles throughout her life and I had been that person who always jumped in and saved her. I re-read my message I sent her and wish she hadn't pushed me to respond so soon because maybe I would have been more understanding of why she did what she did and not had to be so harsh. It's tough because I cared about her a lot.
I’m really struggling with same issue with my sister. She has been lashing out at me because she (simply put) cannot regulate her own emotions. When I attempted to express my need to stop talking about a particular issue, she brought up a current health situation she is going through that might cause her to stop breathing and implied that I am contributing to her life and death situation by simply asking to have some time to process my feelings. Since then she has just been relentless in her pursuit of everything I’m doing, thinking, feeling etc … when all I really need is some space. it’s early for me in the morning and I probably should’ve waited to write this after having a cup of coffee. Hope it made some sense. Long story short, I appreciated your share, and seems you did the best you could in a difficult situation. ❤
I feel for your Leslie! It's enough when it's a friend but family makes it even harder. To me it seems like your sister is used to relying on you and when you aren't available she can't cope so she has to try to manipulate you into being around her. It's sad that she feels the need to do something like that when I can tell that you care about her even from this post. Unfortunately it seems like these type of people don't know how to deal when their support person is unavailable, but they forget we're people too!! @@LeslieJacobson
I am witnessing you with compassion ❤️ It is tough when we ask people to respect our need for time to process, and they do not give us that space.
This is me to a T. I am fearful (used to feel it as guilt) whenever I set a boundary. I was not allowed to have any boundaries with my parents and, whenever I tried to set one, it went badly for me. So I have to consciously remind myself that I am entitled to have boundaries with people...but I suspect that I may never feel comfortable doing it. Also, I am definitely an over-giver. I struggle with feeling disappointed when I don't get the same care and generosity back...which is the case with almost everyone in my life. I would love to hear more on this.
I am witnessing you with compassion ❤️ Thank you for sharing. You're definitely not alone on this!
I have lots of videos on over-giving and codependency, which you can find here: www.youtube.com/@terri_cole/search?query=codependent
I would start with this one: th-cam.com/video/q_QFxAZVW9A/w-d-xo.html
@@terri_cole Thank you! I will check them out. 🤗
I completely relate and understand! Beautifully articulated, insightful, and honest appraisal. Sending you strength ❤ from someone who is pursuing similar goals of growth and evolution. ❤❤❤
@@miss_whipps Thank you, and to you as well. ❤️
My biggest struggle with setting boundaries is dealing with an angry response. Moreover, I struggle with a negative outlook on myself so guilt tripping hits me hard. As a child I was beaten by my alcoholic dad and somehow I grew up thinking I'm the problem.
Thank you for sharing all this knowledge and inspiration about boundaries
🙏
I am witnessing you with compassion ❤️ Thank you for sharing. It makes sense that you have this reaction given your childhood experience. ❤️
Hi Terri - - i was avoiding watching this video. I think I knew it would be important for me so I put it off. I feel guilt, stomach pains and sometimes sweats after I express a boundary. It is so new for me!
I need to learn to trust myself and love myself to be able to take better care of my emotions and boundaries. I always think about what the person is saying about me behind my back after I set the boundary. I am starting to say - wow - I did it - I took care of myself! I love you Linda - -
Your book, classes, newsletter, videos havehelped me in so many ways. I am changing and learning love myself first!! I can express my boundariesg and deal breakers with confidence. Letting of the guilt is still a process I am working on. I will use your guide to help.
THANK YOU for all you do - -
"I am starting to say - wow - I did it - I took care of myself! I love you Linda" - that is a beautiful thing, way to go 👏👏👏
Terri, thank you so much for everything you are doing for us! I just wanted you to know how grateful I am to discover you in my life - you are the most caring and beautiful soul and I love seeing you and hearing your voice every day! I don't think I've ever felt that towards anyone else before. You mean a lot to me, although I've never met you, not yet anyway. Sending lots of love and light your way🙏💜✨
I appreciate you and I am so glad you're here in my crew ❤️
Truly helpful and acknowledged. Progress not perfection for this older dog.
Thank you 🖤🐾🪶
You're great! Thank you so much. Your other content has been really great as well. So happy I found your channel.
I'm so glad my content has been helpful for you ❤️
Thank you for this episode Terri
I have enjoyed and learn something
by listening. I think that understanding our boundaries is an interesting and uplifting process and i really like the clarification between feeling guilt or feeling self-abandone.
Thank you so much Ms. Cole. So many things still to learn. This will greatly help. Funny that is where I'm at presently. Ready to set boundaries and understand them. Gratitude! 🙏♥💫
I am cheering you on! ❤️
Omggggg... such an important topic!!! Thank you Teri!!
You're so welcome! ❤️
I said “yes please” out loud when I read todays topic! Just enforced a boundary and talking myself out of remorse, daily!! I’m also a rigid boundary girl bc it’s still foreign feeling (as an empath and HSP)…Thank you as always for these tools!!❤
You are so welcome ❤️ Becoming fluent in the language of boundaries takes time! It is normal to become more rigid in the beginning when working things out, too.
So helpful! Thank you, Terri!
❤️
Hello Terri, your work help me so much in all aspects, and I really value your opinion about disassociation! Like a real shut down but not being aware of it ! Thank u already 🌷
I'm so glad to hear my work has been helpful to you ❤️
Love this. Thank you so much. X
You're so welcome!
Thanks for this video! I am feeling a bit guilty after implementing a consequence with my step father since it resulted in him no longer
visiting and or talking taking to me. He has a history of stonewalling my mom, and my brother and I when we were younger and live with them. How we ended up here now, was he kept teasing my 4 year old to the point of making him upset. I made the request for him to stop teasing my 4year old. Now with me having newborn in the mix, my parents were visiting more and the teasing continued. My four year old was already having a hard time adjusting to starting preschool and having a newborn sibling. So after 2 consecutive visits from my parents and my step dad making my 4 year old cry with the annoying teasing and my stepdad, not listening to my requests, I removed my 4 year old from the visit and told my step dad exactly why I chose to remove my for you. I must admit that I perhaps used a harsher tone than I intended, but he finally got the point. He has not visited us in over a month, which is not what I wanted to happen, but apparently he’s very offended and embarrassed. Although I do feel guilt, I must say my mom’s visits have been much more peaceful, since he has not been here to tease my 4 year old. Still I do feel sad that he cannot be a mature adult, and just come over, and not tease my four-year-old kid, and instead chooses to have no contact with us. Thanks for this video, I was starting to doubt my boundary, because my mom is trying to guilt me into taking back my boundary.
I am witnessing you with compassion and joy ❤️ Thank you for sharing. You absolutely did the right thing by protecting your four-year-old from the insults of your step-father. Especially if you asked multiple times. Sometimes, we really do need to set a consequence for people to get it. But you have nothing to feel bad for. He chose his actions even after you made it clear it was not okay, AND after your four-year-old cried. Your job as a parent is to protect your kid, which is what you did. It is just painful when you have to protect them from family members. ❤️
@@terri_colethank you for taking the time to respond to my comment. Your words of wisdom have reassured me that I did the right thing because honestly setting that boundary and consequence with my stepfather feels so strange, and yet so necessary. There is a part of me that wants to take that boundary back everyday, but the peace of not having him around to annoy my four year old far out weighs the part of me that misses my stepdad. Thanks for your reassurance, I definitely needed it ❤
Thank you Terri, your content is so amazing and helpful I am so thankful to you. You are a godsend my friend keep up the great work
❤️❤️❤️
Needed this today! Thank you ❤❤❤❤❤
So glad it resonated ❤️
Wow, I logged into TH-cam this morning and the first thing that I see is this! I can totally relate! Last week and this week, I set some boundaries with my micro controlling brother, who says that he is "helping" me. As I calmly stated my boundaries to him, he would turn it around and accuse me of what he had been doing, even to the point that he would try to engage other family members against me. When they wouldn't engage, he backed off somewhat by only texting me. While all of this was very anxiety producing, I have found some semblance of peace with setting boundaries. However, I woke up this morning with a strange feeling of guilt and loneliness. It was almost like I had come to depend on his coercive directives...like there was some twisted need in me for this aberrant caring. I am currently working with a local counselor on Cognitive Behavorial Therapy. And I have purchased your book, Boundary Boss, which has been so very helpful! I will be getting your Boundary Boss Workbook this week at Barnes and Noble. Thank you so much for all that you do!!!
Thank you so much for sharing this experience with us ❤️ I think working through it with a counselor is a good idea, and I hope the book and workbook help as well!
Yes it's fear of rejection and loss...most definitely...grew up with narcisstic borderline personality mother who put us kids as her last priority so our emotional needs were never met.
New subscriber from South Australia! 😃🖐 I said "no" yesterday to a person who won't take "no" for an answer and have been avoiding the person ever since! I know they would get mad after saying "no".
Welcome, glad to have you here! And way to go on saying "no," even though the person didn't take it well. ❤️
Absolutely! These videos help so much ❤ I do have guilt or fear with setting boundaries. I struggle with this. Actually doing better as I age than I did earlier in life…
I am so glad to hear my videos are helpful ❤️ I hope the guide can help you work through the guilt and fear!
The most challenging time is during the holidays. Where and how to spend them? I want our own traditions, but there are hurt feelings all around and it seems to never end. I'd say it's mostly fear that the holidays will always be stressful and never enjoyable because of the reactions of other people not getting their way.
I see you, and I am witnessing you with compassion ❤️ I am all about having the holidays we *want* to have, rather than the ones other people tell us we should have. But I understand it is difficult to make those changes. I did a deeper dive into this here: th-cam.com/video/fZl104IxT8I/w-d-xo.html
Only one friend in my life have I even HAD to set boundaries with. A 10+ year friendship that was good, but then became smothering, wanting more and more contact, jealous of my other friends, comparing other relationships.... I set boundaries and now am accused of being selfish, wanting everything MY way and it's getting very stressful. Makes me question myself until I don't even know if I WANT to continue being friends. The joy has gone and I'm left with guilt and feeling sorry for her but exhausted!!
I am witnessing you with compassion ❤️ Remember, you have a right to your feelings. If the friendship began to feel smothering, and if your friend began to get jealous of your other friendships, you having to set boundaries is valid. Needing space from her dynamics is not selfish. I have more on boundaries and friends specifically in this video that may shed more light on this: th-cam.com/video/UHKa_9CPrNY/w-d-xo.html
@@terri_cole Thank you! I'll check it out.
Hey, I have been sending some of your videos and shorts to a new friend of mine. She is the wife of an old friend that found me 21 yrs later. We are still talking btw. She seems to have alot of insecurities. We had a very endepth (disclosure) conversation over if I was a threat to her. She is now very grateful for your help I send and for our new friendship. My basic message was " I understand your concern, but there is nothing to be concerned about." She is quickly become a fan of yours.
Thank you for sharing and spreading the message ❤️
As always, Terri Cole with another great video! ❤
Thank youu ❤️
Talk about timing. I have a 9 year old niece whos being raised by my mother who I have a complicated relationship with.
My niece brought up me coming over for the holidays. I could have lied and said I was working but was honest instead. Im learning to say no instead of coming up with excuses so the person wont be mad with me.
I tried to explain as kid friendly as I could about my real reason. I brought up the importance of boundaries. And emphasized its also important for her to create them the older she gets. Just in general.
She cried, pouted and even hung up on me. I didnt back down. No one showed or taught me about boundaries growing up. Its important to experience boundaries on both sides. Surprisingly, I don't feel as bad as I thought.
I knew if I didnt say my truth, my mother would have painted the narrative that I didnt want to see them as a group when its really her and my older brothers. I didn't want to travel over an hour to either play maid while everyone waits to be served and/or be completely invisible unless I serve a purpose.
I needed to get this out. I apologize about the emotional throw up. Thank you for reading.
Thank you so much for sharing ❤️ Way to go for standing up for your needs, setting the boundary, and setting an example for your niece!
I often feel a mixture of anxiety and anger when I know that I'm being judged whenever I sey a boundary with certain people. I let go of unhealthy guilt a long time ago but still working on anxiety and anger.
I see you ❤️
Thank you for explaining the difference between porous and rigid boundaries. I felt like some of my boundaries are too rough, or rigid..... Come to discover, they are not too rigid. Taking care of my mental and physical health and my life is not "too rigid". I also give way too many chances, or "benefit of the doubt". I am getting better with this, in the past, I used to hand out "benefit of the doubt" like free event flyers. I am now learning "benefit of the doubt" and "grace" are NOT being kind to myself. Learning to feeling my body, mind, soul, instincts, my truth so I don't self-abandon.
The one boundary I felt was too rigid is if someone isn't fully vaccinated with their COVID vaccines, I don't let them in my home, nor do I visit inside their home, we visit outside. I might wear a mask in their home, but ONLY when COVID cases and flu cases are low or nill (I check current wastewater COVID, flu, and RSV numbers).
This is because I am immunocompromised due to medication I take for Ankylosing Spondylitis (a genetic, born with, autoimmune disease). Before diagnosis, a mere cold would send me to the ER. In the past, in-laws would lie to me about having a cold or flu, even though I told them at nauseum I get sick easily..... They would say, "It's just allergies".... Then I would get hella sick, felt like near death..... And that was before I started taking immunosuppressant medication! This occured from 2010-2019 with in-laws telling me, "It's just allergies", and Everytime I would get super sick.... Thanks to MIL telling in-laws and my husband I am faking it.... Even after I was medically diagnosed in November 2019.
Once COVID started, I don't let anyone in my home who isn't fully vaccinated for covid. I don't let anyone in of they are sick, or just got over being sick. I don't let anyone in who says, "I think it's just allergies", especially with MIL and in-laws, because they didn't believe me in the past, they lied, and I am the one who would be very sick for a month or more plus pain flare and other autoimmune symptoms, and felt like I was dying..... So why should I place my life at risk for their comfort.... With a new circulating virus, that is number three on the top causes of death in the United States? No thanks.
I feel like I have C-PTSD from them telling me for many years, "It's just allergies", and then told me I was overreacting when a cold would last a month or more with high pain levels and other autoimmune disease symptoms (Zero to negative stars, don't recommend). Luckily, since I was medically diagnosed, my husband believes me. He came out about his mom talking behind my back this summer ..... It's been along road of healing, things are getting better. Still haven't caught COVID, nor have we been sick with a cold or flu since before 2020. ❤️🤙
I have a boundary style quiz you can take at boundaryquiz.com if you're curious ❤️ But it doesn't sound like this is a rigid boundary given that you are immunocompromised, it sounds more like it could be a deal-breaker for you, which you are entitled to have!
@@terri_cole Thank you ❤️❤️❤️
When someone disrespects me, I don't fight back really unless its too much, im just weirded out and then i try to be chill but its forced, its like being mean or defensive seems so unnatural to me with friends or stangers, it feels somehow a bigger issue having an argument with someone other than a bf or family, so i try to keep the chill and i just feel mean later and unnatural if i should be like setting boundaries, like if it was below my level
So hard for me to say NO to my family. Grew up trying to please everyone because I wanted calm and peace. Now that Im older I still find myself struggling saying “no i don’t want to.” to my mother and sisters. They often ask for favors. Like when my sister visits, she and her husband stay on their phones the whole time and their kids are loud and rude and leaves them to me to babysit for 2 days and I have to stop what Im doing to be present. Knowing they are coming to visit gives me anxiety and stress. As for my mother, since I live a few blocks away from her and my stepdad. She always ask me to do errands or paper works for her. She never ask my sisters nor my brother. It has always been me since I was 8 years old since I am the oldest sister. Not at 38 it’s exhausting and it feels unfair. It’s making me feel like I want to move far away from them to get my peace.
I am witnessing you with compassion and holding space for your exhaustion 💕 Saying no to family is often the hardest because we've been doing the same dance with them for many decades. You don't have to start big, either- what if you told your sister and her husband, "I'd like to kindly request that when you visit, you put your phones away. I would love to be present with you and spend quality time together." You can also set boundaries when something has already happened: "Hey, I was thinking about the last time you visited and wanted to bring this to your attention because our relationship matters to me. I feel like I have to watch the kids when you come to visit and I'd like to request that we [insert a solution here]." For your mother, you may want to try simply not being available one day. Don't answer the phone, or tell your mother you have plans one day so she doesn't expect anything from you. (Your plan could just be taking a nap!) See how those things feel, and practice stating your boundaries out loud first to discharge the emotion that often comes with them. ❤️
@@terri_cole Thank you so much Ms. terri💖
Trying to set boundaries with my alcoholic narcissistic grown son. Met with anger and defiance, along with throwing everything he thinks I have ever done to him to deter me from holding him accountable for his actions (yelling, swearing, name calling, aggression towards me and his brother, which led me to calling the police!). He somehow thinks we are “even” now, so I should just get over it. I feel like I need to detach from him but all I want is for our family to be whole…but I should not allow him to make light of this and continue to be a ticking time bomb whenever we are together. We are not spending Thanksgiving together and have not talked in person since a month ago when this happened (although the texting loops go round and round and round if I engage with him), and with Christmas just around the corner, it is SO HARD. I am an empathetic for sure, and this is so emotionally exhausting. We have never been apart for holidays, but all get togethers are tense, and it would be nice to have a peaceful holiday for once. Yet at the same time I am also so sad…soooo emotionally overwhelming. 😢 Trying to learn to set boundaries and just found your videos. Ordered your book, hoping for help with this-I feel like I am in WAY over my head. 🥲🥲🥲
I am witnessing you with so much compassion and holding space for your sadness. ❤️ That does sound like a difficult situation. I hear you saying you want a peaceful holiday, and yet you want your family to be whole. But your son's aggression is not compatible with that goal and you feel like you need to detach. You might keep some distance temporarily and see if anything changes. But my heart goes out to you, especially as I know the holidays can be difficult with these situations. ❤️
@@terri_cole Thank you so much. I recently watched one of your videos where you explained how you gave your sister a boundary and had to “let her go” for a while. I feel like this is what I may need to do with my son, but he is not as emotionally mature as your sister, and I fear I may make things worse. Hard to know what to do when it is an adult child (with untreated mental health and addiction issues-due to his ODD and refusal to get help), and it is hard to find resources/videos for this dynamic. Past high functioning codependency and enabling on my part (thought I was helping, but see now that I was not-when I did use tough love it backfired and he still holds against me, rather than seeing the lesson in it and growing from it). He is 32, and I am tired, and ready to take care of ME and allow him to take care of himself. Not going great so far…not exactly sure how to do this. Just bought both of your books, and will be devouring them as soon as I get them! 😉 Any chance you would consider making a video explaining how to deal with adult children (with narcissistic tendencies)? Or do you know of any online counseling clinics or persons that specialize in this area that you could recommend? Thank you for your support and for the valuable information you provide, so glad to have found you. 🩷
Terri, could you do a show on setting boundaries with older teens please? Any insights would be useful. Especially if that child is unwell mentally or physically, ie what is acceptable 🙏
Yes, will add to the list!
Thank you Terri. Is there gonna be an audio version of your Boundary Boss workbook?!
Yes, there is! You can get it on Amazon in the US and Canada right now: www.amazon.com/Boundary-Boss-Workbook-Strategies-Over-Giving/dp/B0CMBBNFQ7/ref=tmm_aud_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1699469775&sr=8-1
I recognized that my HFC self receives requests as demands. This puts under a lot of undue stress and fear
That makes so much sense- thank you for sharing!
Hi Terri, thank you for your videos. I have personally found them very helpful as I also struggle to create boundaries sometimes. I am interested in seeing a video on what to do when you are the one who is being given a boundary by someone else. What if someone’s boundary does genuinely hurt one’s feelings? Or what if it does affect your relationship? I have recently been struggling with boundaries that my sister has placed in our relationship, and I have been grieving our past relationship as I feel that the new boundaries have really affected our closeness. Am I wrong for feeling this way? Is it wrong to feel hurt or sadness when someone Sets a boundary toward you? I feel like this topic isn’t often discussed, and I feel like people who are hurt by boundaries are often given the role of the toxic family member, or someone who is not understanding of the boundary. I guess I just want to Have a better understanding of my own feelings, and what I can do to not feel hurt or grief.
Hey there, I am witnessing you with compassion ❤️ It is not wrong to feel however you feel, and boundaries have a way of changing the dance where grieving is often necessary. What is it about her boundaries that have affected your closeness? Is it possible to reframe her boundaries as actually protecting the relationship? I say that boundaries are our own personal rules of engagement that tell people what is okay and not okay with us. The purpose of having boundaries is often to deepen the intimacy in a relationship, as the person is stating what they need. The alternative is cutting someone out of our lives.
It is also possible that your sister isn't setting boundaries so much as making demands or trying to control the situation. There is a difference. Boundaries are for US, they are *not* meant to be used as levers of control.
I do have a video about the other side here: th-cam.com/video/wC0cWfXPNlM/w-d-xo.html The last thing I will say is, perhaps you need to allow yourself to feel hurt and to grieve. I have a video on grieving changes in life here: th-cam.com/video/Okw-g4mwPk0/w-d-xo.html ❤️
I've only just realized why I keep thinking I'm only trying to help but I keep damaging relationships. Yes, boundary guilt also applies to setting boundaries or rules for kids! I've now got a daughter who hates me and doesn't want me to F up her kids. I was adopted. It would be interesting to know the percentage of adoptees suffer from this
I am witnessing you with compassion 💕
I love the bones of the material you share. It is truly beneficial to learn this information at any age. I only wish u would not refer to your audience " As you guys". It doesn't feel right or sound professional. Especially because you are a professional with so much enlightening information! Thank you so much 🕊️
Thank you for this video Terri. Just want to share when I set boundary, the feeling that hurts me is that other person shows that I offended him even though it was his fault...Could you please guide on this?
Hi there- this is tough to sit with, but how other people react is not our side of the street. Even if we try to set boundaries with the perfect words, a smile, and kindness, some people will still be upset. We cannot control how others react, but we can control how we choose to respond, or protect ourselves. It sounds like it might be beneficial to journal through this experience and ask yourself why you feel this way when it is the other person's fault. I usually reference the 3 Qs - 1) who does this person remind you of? 2) Where have you felt like this before? 3) How or why is this behavioral dynamic familiar to you? ❤️ I also talk about trauma and boundaries here, which might help: th-cam.com/video/xGVh-x8WEAw/w-d-xo.html
@@terri_cole Thank you so much❤️
Terri, hi. Love your videos. I have discovered that a bigger problem seems to be SHAME (my therapist says it is the "I am not enough" emotional backlash)....... My family shames for setting healthy boundries, for not being perfect....... it seems that I sometimes dont feel shame but it seems to trigger a hypervigilance response and rumination...... I couldnt fall asleep for 2 weeks last holiday season after one 5 minute phone call that tried to shame me for setting boundries..... How to manage that ??
I am so sorry you had that experience, and I am witnessing you with compassion ❤️ Shame is difficult to deal with. I have an episode about it here: th-cam.com/video/tNuyY15Fwz4/w-d-xo.html and here: th-cam.com/video/XotG4cdwDWA/w-d-xo.html
I also did an interview with Jayson Gaddis on family drama, conflict, and shame here: th-cam.com/video/m57KeV-dNko/w-d-xo.html
Terri - you know how Ross Rosenberg talks about toxic dysfunctional familes passing on the baton... well.... I think that the baton is SHAME. .... I was with my brother and his son this weekend... and my brother is passing it onto my nephew... it makes me so sad to see it getting passed on again to another generation....;; My selfcentered narcissistic father with traumatic childhood.... passed the shame onto my brother and now onto another generation.....
I have disordered boundaries and it comes from fear of social isolation
I am witnessing you with compassion ❤️
This is a hard topic for me because I am a people pleaser and I don’t say no even tho I need to say no I have been on hard places before where I didn’t get help and all so I feel like I need to make sure no one else feel the way I did but I know I need to say no
It's so sweet of you to want to make sure no one else feels the way you did 💕 But I would gently say it doesn't need to come at the cost of your sanity or peace. I have more about that here: th-cam.com/video/JqdCXjxM7MQ/w-d-xo.html
Urgh self centred parents. Where their self worth is tied up in you setting boundaries. Taking it personally and making everything about them. No wonder we feel guilt ❤ there's no such thing as empath, it's codependency, unfortunately
My wife left me with the 3 kids after hitting me for the 5th time in this relationship. Stating I nit pick and have to leave my 3 kids bc of you. Blaming me for the divorce not that she was abusing me .
I am so sorry you experienced such awful abuse, Daniel 💕
What do u do when u set boundary and they are just ignored?
This guy I met for a drink 6 mos ago, keeps breadcrumbing me with text messages, etc. Never calls . I told him if hes not going to call me and have a conversation or date, lets just forget the whole thing. But no, every mos or so he will send a hello text, compliment me, etc. it's annoying and frustrating. I try to ignore him but eventually I do feel guilty and text back... ugh
I hear you ❤️ That is annoying and frustrating. When you set a consequence for a crossed boundary, you need to be willing to stick with it or else it becomes meaningless for the other person. If he knows you will respond anyway, he has no incentive to change his behavior. I think you deserve someone who will treat you with respect, who will call you and invite you on dates ❤️ I did a whole video on consequences here: th-cam.com/video/Jrfi24SAIOg/w-d-xo.html
Interested Teri in ur thoughts...my friend I mentioned earlier...she will say I have some wggs gor you snd hubby will pick them up on way home. I thank her on text and say that is very kind of you. Then I get a text...later that night or in the morning....did you get the eggs...and I think...of course but say yes...and then I get...how were the eggs? Does my head in...is she seeking validation?
I think you can make light of it like, "Why this sudden interest in me eating eggs? 🤣" or be more serious and say, “Are you worried I am not eating enough eggs?” and see what she says.
Can you discuss guilt when you've violated someone else's boundaries unintentionally. When someone sets a boundary i feel like a bad friend although i don't beg them to change their mind
Hey there- I replied to your comment on my other video, and I think the same 3 Qs I shared there could be helpful in this scenario, too. You might want to journal about why you feel like a bad friend, to see if you can unearth anything else that's going on.
However, in general, we cannot be expected to read people's minds, and we can only act according to their wishes when they make their boundaries known. You not knowing their preferences beforehand does not make you a bad friend. 💕 It's also possible these folks have been doing work and *just* realized they needed these boundaries, and it has nothing to do with you. Or perhaps they're setting more boundaries than they need to, and they will relax them in the future. (I know a lot of my clients and students will go from one extreme to the other with boundaries, because it's like learning a new language.) I hope that helps xo
@@terri_cole thank you for your response so much. Gives me much to think about