Let me know: do you tend to self-abandon in relationships? Why do you think that is? To dig deeper, download the guide for journal prompts and ways to start saying "no" with grace: www.terricole.com/10-signs-youre-self-abandoning-guide And in case you missed it, today is the first day of my Epic Relationships Summit! Sign up for free here if you want to learn how to cultivate more fulfilling relationships of any kind: terricole.com/summit
Yes 👋 so me stopping the deny deflect argue fighting against the truth of self abandments of my value throught great videos and book my first audio book by you boundary boss It is ok for me to finally have a relationship with myself Thanks Terri C
May I just say that that yellow background with your royal blue high neck sweater and your hair color is so so so flattering. That color is just perfect on you. ✅
Growing up I always got mixed messages. I would fish with my dad and ask when we can go again, only for him to yell, cuss me out and then he said "I don't even like fishing!" Growing up I have always been very overweight and kids would make fun of me and mom would tell me to stand up for myself, but then my grandmother would be in town and would lecture me on my weight and tell me I need to lose that belly. My mom would of course tell me to say nothing. I literally grew up feeling like I don't have a voice and I got to a point where it's obvious I'm not doing well but people have proven to me one too many times that it doesn't matter because my feelings will be dismissed. I've struggled with this and horrible low self esteem.
I am witnessing you with so much compassion 💕 I have a video on self-worth/self-esteem here in case it's helpful: th-cam.com/video/Wksa1ulAIOo/w-d-xo.html
Thank you! Terri for the word “self consideration”. I have never heard that concept in such a clear manner. Thank you for helping me get strong enough to stand up to Christian religious circles to stop over-volunteering. My health has really improved by implementing the skills you’ve shared. Blessings to you always. ❤
Bought your books for myself for Christmas. Last year I worked through the emotionally available books and they have changed my life. Amazon recommended your books to me last week, just like the books last year. I didn't think I needed them. I have several books on boundaries and codependency, but your books are on a different level. Was not familiar with high functioning codependency till now. Definitely used to be me, till I developed Chronic Fatigue over a decade ago.
I could see a lot of myself in these traits. For me it definitely started in childhood. I have made some progress in this area in the last year or so and will continue to make changes. The changes may rock the boat😉 but it sure feels better being authentic and not abandoning myself as much as I used to. Looking forward to the journal prompts. Thank you so much for this!!!
I have been trying to help a friend escape an emotionally abusive relationship, and this video was perfectly timed to share with her. Thank you, Terri. Have a beautiful day.
Sometimes all we can do is let the people we love know that we'll be there the second they decide they want to leave. ❤ I went through something similar with my sister and I actually had to lessen the amount of contact we had because it was so distressing to hear about it. Take care of yourself, too, Jill ❤
Thank you, she is- this was many years ago now, and it took seven months, but eventually she called me and said she was ready. I was there in a heartbeat. Sharing that as good endings are possible 💕
I know all this from prior reading etc, but the way you talk, your voice, your shared experience and genuine empathy - it all makes the truths penetrate right to my heart. Thank you so much ❤
Putting others needs before your own results in many different sicknesses and autoimmune disorders. Then......when we get sick and can't do it anymore people leave. Taking care of ourselves is SO important. I've seen Christian billboards that say...JOY, Jesus, others and then self. This will not work in the long run. If we don't take care of ourselves we break down and then can't be there for anyone.
This very much hit a button in regards to my husband of many yrs! I’m now in a new relationship where I’m spoiled in such a caring way, and I’m both loving it and feeling a bit uncomfortable. Not in a bad way- but in an unfamiliar way. After listening to you I’m realizing why I feel the discomfort. I’m not used to being put first!
your comment at the start of the video is so beautiful, thank you. Yes I am subscribed and I hope anyone that really watches these does. Thank you for all your useful content. not only for myself, but all the other people that are really benefiting from it. Maybe some of us will go onto therapy, maybe not but you are making a big difference. ❤
Thank you for speaking to families with addicts in them… this dynamic has been the one that has been the hardest for me to recognize self abandonment ❤
Thank you so much for your amazing work, Terri! I follow your channel, IG and the podcast, and definitely resonate with this particular video and have resonated with so much work you put out in the past. I loved your book “Boundary Boss,” and definitely am getting “Too Much” as well. I have grown up not even knowing any other way to be but to repeatedly say, do and even think what those around me wanted from me. Anytime I would ever try to say anything to stand up for my views or feelings, it would turn out to be a huge argument/angry debate and I would walk away feeling like I was the problem, feeling shame and toxic guilt. I excelled in school and social life, I was doing absolutely amazing on the outside, but inside I was never happy; I had a few “lows” as a teen, when I would experience an emotional crisis, and at 26 years old I had a major existential crisis, while everyone around seemed to think I was doing amazingly well and checking out all the boxes. It took 8 years of deep, deep emotional,spiritual, and psychological work to realize what exactly happened in my past and who I really am, as well as what my real needs are. I am 34 and I would say I am in recovery from those tendencies, learning to listen to myself, consider myself and treat myself the way I always deserved to be treated. Thank you so much for your work again. This video has come at exactly perfect time as I am working on prioritizing my feelings and views in the smallest every day situations and learning to speak when I have something to say - wether it will feel warm and fuzzy or not really.
Thank you for being here and sharing your experience with us, Vera (and for reading my books!) ❤️ So many of the people in my crew have had similar experiences where they were made to feel 'wrong' growing up and just internalized it as "I'm the problem." So glad to hear you're in recovery from those tendencies because you are worthy!! ❤️❤️
Thank you, Terry for reiterating all of these facts that occur in my life and I work hard not to allow and your boundary boss boundaries have made me much more proficient at it
Thank you Terry for your wisdom, expertise and gentle loving approach towards life’s challenges. I can relate to this topic mainly because of my adoption experience, self abandoment ment my survival. Much love to you dear lady from Perth Australia 🇦🇺 ❤
Girl everytime I get notifications on your new videos and in every single video when you say please subscribe i check as if im not idk why i keep doing this every time lmao
Hi i am valsala Menon from India . i grew up with an overprotective stifling mom, and later i married a person who loves only himself. I am married to him for 36 years now and even though i dote on him, every day he puts me down, shouts and yells at me at the slightest provocation and....... To make a long story short, i just cant take it anymore. My self esteem, confidence, my sanity, everything is at stake. All i ever wanted in life was to be loved and understood, and this is what i get
I am witnessing you with compassion 💕 You deserve love and understanding. If you're in India, this website lists free mental health resources that are available: www.thelivelovelaughfoundation.org/find-help/helplines If you are in crisis, please reach out to a professional therapist, a friend, or a trusted member of your family so you are not alone during this time. Sending you lots of love and strength 💕
Terri, Ive been on this journey od life discovery for about 10 years now.... Learned alot about boundries, emotions, etc..... To me it seems like a lot of people-pleasing behavior, self-abandonment might also be linked to BASIC instincts when careing for infants and todlers ....... In the past, but also now in Ukraine, Gaza, Afghanistan, Isreal even, etc... parents are put in situations, when they might actually have to sacrifice their own needs and safety so that their children might survive.... Yet many people today dont have children or not that many, so this basic instinct has no use over time, but it might just be a basic inborn program of how to function.... So learning to do things differently in modern society is a necessity, but the origins of this now dysfunctional behavior might just be instinct and survival mechanisms to ensure future generations..... If people still had 8-12 children, they would probably only have the capacity to be hypercaring for the youngest and the others would mature according to age and interactions with same age children.... My theory.
When my partner gets upset or angry I feel desperate. My fear to let others down or see that they are sad because of me, makes me feel helpless. I know that others reactions and feelings is not my responsibility but STILL I can't give it up. It's exhausting.
Gotcha,Terri,, good report, doing better,and findingways to back off people, not feed me, need to help, my relationship with son, not hinder it... ....son!❤ loves mom,you are lucky, let's sit this one out in church😅😊🎉❤peace
Absolutely identify with this. Found you via Mark Groves and came here. My partner of 30+ years learned a few years ago that she’s ASD - Do you have any content/thoughts about HFC and neurodiverse relationships?
Welcome, Eric! Love my pal Mark 💕 Neurodiversity unfortunately isn't my specialty. Could you say more about the dynamics you might be interested in exploring?
Can you please turn up your volume? I am new here, thanks to hearing you on the I've Had It podcast! I am binge watching you and I've noticed that all of your videos are very low in volume. Thanks!
My girlfriend only takes bits and pieces of what you say in your videos. Almost like something that is super helpful is used to justify their actions and manipulate. She looks at my a.d.h.d and anxiety as the issue because she read the symptoms on Google. I just wanted her to be more self aware because currently, I'm doing all of the work while she is getting worse and doesn't see anything I do for as love even though I do what she says she needs or wants that is love to her and it never works. I just sold my house that I lived in for 30 years... my whole life. My parents died when I was 26 and 32 so I've got my own things but I am completely self aware and tend to be the one to have to fix something or apologize for someone telling me I'm wrong about how I feel. I have felt unheard for almost a year and I've been saying that to her in every way possible. Now suddenly (even though she didn't hear me) she has the same problem in the same verbiage I used. It's driving me to insanity. Please help. I don't want to give up on someone. It's a horrible feeling. I know I can't fix her but I myself don't know how to deal with being called a narcissist consistently when she has a whole version of me made up in her head that is an angry horrible person and I don't understand why. It's not me at all.
I am witnessing you with so much compassion 💕 This sounds really difficult, and I saw your other comment as well. You say, "I don't want to give up on someone" but why do you think of it as "giving up" on her? It sounds like you're trying to do the work and bring it into the relationship and she only turns it on you. It doesn't sound as though she's engaging with it WITH you, as a team. Have you tried telling her how this makes you feel? That you're noticing it's harder to bring things up to her when you feel like you're going to be blamed, and that it's bumming you out because you love her and want this to work? One of the tools that I find useful in getting to the bottom of some of these relational dynamics is the 3 Qs: 1. Who from your past does your girlfriend remind you of? 2. Where have you felt like this before? 3. How or why is this behavioral pattern familiar to you? It's possible you're playing out aspects of an unresolved wound from childhood with your girlfriend. Or it's possible she's doing that with you. You mentioned "doesn't see anything I do for as love even though I do what she says she needs or wants that is love to her and it never works." This sounds like it could be manipulation, but have you had a very honest conversation with her about how she wants to be loved? What does it look like or feel like to her? Basically, what are your love languages? It's possible that you may be showing her love in a way she doesn't recognize, but it's also not fair for her to disregard anything you do for her. There's a lot more that could be explored here- I have a ton of videos on my channel about relationship dynamics that might be helpful 💕
I worked really hard for at least a decade to stop self-abandoning. The NPD brother worked really hard to create master disasters to make sure I could not do that fully. I escaped for a while but one of my choices to help him go to my mother's house was the worst mistake of my life. When I went no contact with the both of them because they had gotten into this toxic co-dependent embrace during that time he put my mother in such a bad position that there was no way that I could not leave her in the circumstance she is in. However since then he has destroyed every single thing I built in that nearly five year period away from him (4 from my mother) and he is literally just copying everything that I am doing to try to not be homeless and for my mother to die in the thing he helped to put her in. I am beyond angry. I have to do what I did last time and that is pray to my God for his quick vengeance and help!
Thank you so much for this amazing video 🌹🌹🥰🥰 I have issue that's happening many times- conflict with my sisters - I'm a person who wish when I talk , to be listened and to be understood. My sisters have bad habits " defensive or attacking and didn't get my point ".... Do I have to cut my relationship with them " we are 7 sisters " Or " to change something on me" ??!! .. Each situation, I will steps back & try to figure out " what's wrong I did , I regret talking to them " . Can you make video how to communicate with those who use defensive or attacking tactics " even if I talk in general subject "... thank you so much 🌹🌹🌹
I am so sorry to hear you're experiencing such difficulty when talking with your sisters. 💕 I have several videos on effective communication, but I think this might also be a boundary issue. Have you told your sisters that you are only looking for a compassionate ear when sharing stuff with them? You can say something like, "I appreciate your support and know it's coming from a good place, but I just want to be witnessed and know that you're here for me. I'm not seeking input or advice on this matter. I just want support and acknowledgement." Basically, you're telling them ahead of time you're sharing with them to be seen and understood, not to be treated like a project. If they continue to interject, you can put up a finger and say, "Wait a sec, I wasn't done sharing yet. Please let me finish." More broadly, you could tell them (during a neutral time) that you love them and that you're bummed by their reactions whenever you try to share things with them because you don't feel understood or heard because it's coming between your relationship with them. Since this is a thing with your sisters, I also wonder if this behavior was normalized during childhood? Was communication in your family often chaotic? Did anyone get listened to or understood? How did your parents communicate together, and with all of you? Thinking about what you saw in your family of origin in terms of communication might give you some insights.
As an analyst, do you advise your patients on how to modify their behavior? Or explain family systems to them? I thought that analysis was more passive and less proactive about mundane aspects of life. (I like the phrase: "The family organized around an addict." That says it all.)
Hi Terri, I love your content and I’m new to your channel. Considering the signs that you have given of self-abandonment (yes… that’s me sometimes) could you please explain the following situations? 1. I have an appointment to have my nails done. When I arrive at the salon the manicurist is busy with another client and is saying that it’ll be long before they are done... Instead of saying something like “I made an appointment… blab la bla”, I just become speechless with anger and frustration. 2. A friend says she’ll come over on her way to someplace else. I think she didn’t go there eventually as she never came to see me (and didn’t update me), then I find out she did go, and I ask her why didn’t she come visit me (she is the one pressuring to see me, and I had to say “let me know before you do” and I didn’t…) she said “I don’t know what route my husband chose…” - And instead of saying “cut the BS” I just keep quiet. Why don’t we say something right away in our defense when people wrong us and we tell ourselves that it has taken us time to understand what had happened, when in fact we understand right away? Thank you.
Thank you for watching and asking these Qs 💕 I think a lot of it comes down to being raised and praised for being self-abandoning codependents. Many of us learned early on not to make a fuss, because our parents wouldn't react well to us being upset or crying. We often take that behavior with us into adulthood. It can be really scary to voice our truth right away, especially when we've lived our lives putting ourselves last. It can feel unnatural to put ourselves first! It takes practice, but if you learn the language of boundaries, then it becomes easier to "talk true" (as I say) and start speaking up for yourself. (For example, telling the manicurist that you booked an appointment and waiting longer than 5-10 minutes is unacceptable, and telling your friend that you found it frustrating to wait for her only for her not to show when she said she would.) I have another video on talking true here that may be helpful: th-cam.com/video/2_SZ1qjF7TY/w-d-xo.html
What about when this relationship is with your old and fragile mom? What do you do when she is a narcisist person and you have to take care of her and protect her because she is no longer able to do it? And if I say that she abandoned you when you were a child? But she has nobody but you in the world!
I see you ❤️ I speak about this briefly at the end of this episode because it's such a common question: th-cam.com/video/xl8HNr-Zsv4/w-d-xo.html I personally don't believe that you owe abusers. Even if they are your parents. Even if they are older. Even if you're an only child. The question I pose to all my clients is: what would happen if you were abducted by aliens tomorrow? We're not always guaranteed to be here to care for our parents regardless. If you have the means/ability, I'd look into seeing if her insurance covers care (depending on where you live), and/or hiring help so you don't feel like you "have" to care for her.
But what can I do if my husband pushes me for self abandoning and threatening me if I rejected. The problem is that I am an immigrant who is unemployed and mom of 2 kids with my husband. I am afraid to take kids for a shelter when conflict is very tough. What should I do?
I'm so sorry to hear you're in this situation 💕 Your safety (and the safety of your kids) comes first, and I wouldn't advise behaving in a way that provokes him. I have a video on how to leave an abusive relationship, and there are links to free resources in the video description that may be able to help you figure out how to handle this: th-cam.com/video/8AQEK62Jogs/w-d-xo.html
I wonder your thoughts are on disgust. I have seen this emotion pop lately. I try to abandon emotions and disgust is one of them. I didn't know this was a a primary emotion?
It might be helpful to explore this further by journaling about it. Some questions you can ask: Why do you think you "try to abandon emotions" in general? What might you have learned about disgust growing up? Did either of your parental impactors get disgusted often? Were you punished for feeling disgusted as a child? What does disgust feel like in your body? When does the feeling seem to arise in you? I hope that's helpful!
James Staples V . marceline MO. 10 months widowed from a 42 year marriage to a horrrid Vulnerable malignant narcisstist. First i stayed for the kids, then the g-kids; then she was slowly dying from having her polycycstic kidneys removed ; i could not abandon her, her last days would have been so cruel for her al Anyone she woould come into contact with. I am the Veteren Army of One. happy to serve, in fact my motto has been from one of my past military units. "Service first and always". now I am completely ,IDK. Who am I where am i why am i.??
I am witnessing you with so much compassion, James ❤️ Figuring out who we are after abusive relationships can be so difficult, especially when we were taught to serve others before ourselves. (I can relate!)
Hi Terri, question? - when there are children involved but not mine..... How would and authentic well-balanced person/women respond to family situations, where woman (I) over time discovers just how dysfunctionally toxic motherINLaw and sisterINLaw are..... narrow-minded, criticize almost everything authentic (that which is not from their small town local traditions, etc. ), sister in law yelling frequently at family gatherings when other people speak. Seems like Oedipal mother in law and maybe even Oedipal sister in law who seems very controlling and arrogant (niece 12 seems not expected to help at home, she is dressed up and paraded by her mother)... So monthy family get-to-gethers are uncomfortable.... as any expression of anything by almost anyone is yellled at for some reason or another by sister in law and sometimes even mother in law in very companding arrogant manor, even yelling by sister in law. Most people stay silent most of the time when sister in law is present, but when the family meets for lunch until dinner.... so many hours of not saying almost anything is not tolerable... She used to yell at her son (he is now 19 and will graduate 12th grade soon so risk of him leaving her home), now last maybe 1-2 years she yells at me as soon as I say anything or my husband says anything.... ridiculous nonsense reasons.... Most people just shut up and dont respond or react, but Im getting fed up with her "winnning" all arguments at all of these family gatherings just because she is aggressive and no one responds..... NOT sure what to do. Dont want her to have all the power, which she now has mostly. Dont want niece and nephew to only see toxic yelling and no healthy response. YET not sure if anything is a good idea, if any response is a good idea. It sucks. If we divide people into 3 basic categories: wise, fool, or evil..... She seems like the fool, who will never thank you for construtive criticism and will only attack you all the more... intuition tells me she might just blow up and refuse to let us see the kids..... Two adult women (cca 45 + 74) treating children, grand children in such a way, bribing them with food (litterally) (seems like) and hopeing they will visit grandma, but grandma does not talk with them, only at them, telling them to eat.... Really, Im not kidding. What to do, how to respond to such dysfunctional family BS, when kids (now 12 + 18) are there and seeing everything. Is it worth me being attacked verbally and lied about later probably ? I dont tolerate conflict well and sleep badly after these gatherings.
I'm so sorry to hear you're witnessing this kind of aggressive behavior with your in-laws. That sounds stressful 💕 It sounds like this behavior has been normalized within the family system and that there's some unspoken agreements about not rocking the boat to avoid upsetting your mother and sister-in-law further. Unfortunately, I think the best course of action is to distance yourself however much you can from these events and the family. If you don't tolerate conflict well and sleep badly after these gatherings, you have the option to not go! Or to go, but maybe once a quarter. That is what is within your control. You can't control how your mother or sister-in-law react or feel, or the power dynamics there. They're clearly not open to your feedback if they yell at you for speaking up. As crushing as it is with kids involved, unless they seek out your guidance, I don't know that they're "your side of the street." But you can let them know that you're there for them if they need support and show them the love they deserve. How does your husband feel about all of this, if he is also on the receiving end of this behavior? Does he feel obligated to go to these gatherings? Is there any way he'd also agree to dial it back? Or would he mind if you began opting out more often?
@@terri_cole - Thnak you. Husband wont discuss it at all. Is angry when I talk about it but is silent. As if the rule "honoring your parent" means not mentioning anything they do wrong. Im in a sticky situation. If I go there is yelling, if I dont go, there will be backlash as well.... Weird... I go see my mohter sometimes by myself, but my husband never goes by himself to see his mother. I am the driver, he rarely drives (I think its anxiety on his part but that is another thing he wont discuss). It seems that my husband does see it, especially now that I began talking about it some months ago. BUT he wont discuss anything, he is just silnet.
That's really difficult. Do you think he'd be open to writing about it instead? It's possible he needs some time to adjust to this new reality if you're getting the sense that he is coming around to it since you began voicing your concerns a few months ago. But that doesn't mean you need to be dragged into going. It sounds like you might need to set a boundary around his family events. During a neutral time, and with advance notice, I'd say something like, "Hey, we've been talking about your family events and how stressful they can be, and I've been thinking about the impact they've had on me. I don't get very good sleep afterwards and feel really wound up. To protect myself, I'd like to stay home next time. I understand this is difficult for you, that it's your family and you love them. I will be here to support you, but I can't keep subjecting myself to their yelling. I wanted to let you know in advance so you can work out how to get there." If he gets angry about it, let him (of course, keep yourself safe!), but stay firm and keep asserting that you love him and want to support him, but you can't keep doing this song and dance with his family because it's too stressful. He can figure out how to get there if he really wants to go. It's not your responsibility to figure it out for him. If he guilt trips you about it, know that you have nothing to feel guilty about. You can let him know you're willing to accompany him X times a month/quarter- whatever feels right to you. And you also have the right to change your mind. Separately, you can also let him know that you understand this situation could be difficult for him to process. Let him know you're there for him whenever he's ready to talk, that you're genuinely interested in how he feels about it, that you'd like for it to be an open and honest conversation, and leave it at that for now. Hopefully he comes around to talking about it so you don't feel alone in this. ❤️
@@terri_cole - Thank you. Its such a disappoint. Im from a toxic family (father narc, mother schizofrenia) so for years I was focused on dealing with cPTSD like symptoms and all the responsibility b/c of mom. Got that all sorted and mostly dealt with and now realize this... got really bad after momINlaw broke up with long term boyfriend... She is widow since my husband was 18. Now I see the Oedipal mother problem. I think he knows at some level.
Let me know: do you tend to self-abandon in relationships? Why do you think that is? To dig deeper, download the guide for journal prompts and ways to start saying "no" with grace: www.terricole.com/10-signs-youre-self-abandoning-guide
And in case you missed it, today is the first day of my Epic Relationships Summit! Sign up for free here if you want to learn how to cultivate more fulfilling relationships of any kind: terricole.com/summit
Yes, the 'good woman' thing was a whole thing. Interested if it is still this way?
Yes 👋 so me stopping the deny deflect argue fighting against the truth of self abandments of my value throught great videos and book my first audio book by you boundary boss
It is ok for me to finally have a relationship with myself
Thanks Terri C
Thank You so much for everything you do, I've really needed them and I can't wait to get your book
I almost abandoned myself by going into work instead of caring for me. I sent a sick day text. No more self abandoning self care.
That's so huge, Krista, way to go!! 🙌 🙌
Yes putting yourself first over any felt sense of obligation is a healthy choice, and challenges the people-pleasing martyrdom behaviors.
I Do Not know the Myself I abandoned; doubt I would recognise or like him. kinda sux
Literally me today
I love the fact it's never too late to change. To rewrite the unstated family contracts. I've put my foot down lately.
Right on!!! 🙌🙌
May I just say that that yellow background with your royal blue high neck sweater and your hair color is so so so flattering. That color is just perfect on you. ✅
Growing up I always got mixed messages. I would fish with my dad and ask when we can go again, only for him to yell, cuss me out and then he said "I don't even like fishing!" Growing up I have always been very overweight and kids would make fun of me and mom would tell me to stand up for myself, but then my grandmother would be in town and would lecture me on my weight and tell me I need to lose that belly. My mom would of course tell me to say nothing. I literally grew up feeling like I don't have a voice and I got to a point where it's obvious I'm not doing well but people have proven to me one too many times that it doesn't matter because my feelings will be dismissed. I've struggled with this and horrible low self esteem.
I am witnessing you with so much compassion 💕 I have a video on self-worth/self-esteem here in case it's helpful: th-cam.com/video/Wksa1ulAIOo/w-d-xo.html
It's amazing that I strongly identify with self-abandonment AND high-functioning co-dependent! Thank you Terri!!!
You're so welcome ❤️
Ditto.
That color is great on you Terri!
Thank youuu ❤️
This has been my issue and thank goodness there is a name for it! Awareness makes a huge difference! It’s the start of change.
I totally agree, Nicole! 💕
Thank you! Terri for the word “self consideration”. I have never heard that concept in such a clear manner. Thank you for helping me get strong enough to stand up to Christian religious circles to stop over-volunteering. My health has really improved by implementing the skills you’ve shared. Blessings to you always. ❤
That makes me so happy to hear, LadySunflower ❤️❤️
You are an amazing communicator things really clicked for me listening to you.THANK YOU SO MUCH
That makes me so happy to hear 💕
Bought your books for myself for Christmas. Last year I worked through the emotionally available books and they have changed my life. Amazon recommended your books to me last week, just like the books last year. I didn't think I needed them. I have several books on boundaries and codependency, but your books are on a different level. Was not familiar with high functioning codependency till now. Definitely used to be me, till I developed Chronic Fatigue over a decade ago.
I am so glad to hear you thought my books were on a different level and that they were helpful ❤️❤️
I could see a lot of myself in these traits. For me it definitely started in childhood. I have made some progress in this area in the last year or so and will continue to make changes. The changes may rock the boat😉 but it sure feels better being authentic and not abandoning myself as much as I used to. Looking forward to the journal prompts. Thank you so much for this!!!
Right on, Denise- rock the boat! We can be authentic, kind, and compassionate without self-abandoning. 💕
You are an 😇Terri. “It’s not only people who have money who should be able to access therapy”. Couldn’t agree more. 🙏🏽💐💓
💕
I have been trying to help a friend escape an emotionally abusive relationship, and this video was perfectly timed to share with her. Thank you, Terri. Have a beautiful day.
My heart goes out to your friend ❤️ I hope it's helpful!
Thank you, @@terri_cole. Sadly, it wasn't. She chose to continue being abused and blaming herself. I had to let go. 😢
Sometimes all we can do is let the people we love know that we'll be there the second they decide they want to leave. ❤ I went through something similar with my sister and I actually had to lessen the amount of contact we had because it was so distressing to hear about it. Take care of yourself, too, Jill ❤
@@terri_cole, thank you very much for your kind reply. I'm sorry you went through this with your sister too. I hope she's OK now. 🙏🏼
Thank you, she is- this was many years ago now, and it took seven months, but eventually she called me and said she was ready. I was there in a heartbeat. Sharing that as good endings are possible 💕
I know all this from prior reading etc, but the way you talk, your voice, your shared experience and genuine empathy - it all makes the truths penetrate right to my heart. Thank you so much ❤
Thank YOU for being here, watching, and leaving this comment 💕
Putting others needs before your own results in many different sicknesses and autoimmune disorders. Then......when we get sick and can't do it anymore people leave. Taking care of ourselves is SO important. I've seen Christian billboards that say...JOY, Jesus, others and then self. This will not work in the long run. If we don't take care of ourselves we break down and then can't be there for anyone.
So true, Mary- I've seen this in many of my clients 💕
True I’ve been bedridden over a year
This very much hit a button in regards to my husband of many yrs! I’m now in a new relationship where I’m spoiled in such a caring way, and I’m both loving it and feeling a bit uncomfortable. Not in a bad way- but in an unfamiliar way. After listening to you I’m realizing why I feel the discomfort. I’m not used to being put first!
Yes, thank you for sharing, Susan- this is so common and normal among people in my crew because it IS unfamiliar 💕
Self consideration
your comment at the start of the video is so beautiful, thank you. Yes I am subscribed and I hope anyone that really watches these does. Thank you for all your useful content. not only for myself, but all the other people that are really benefiting from it. Maybe some of us will go onto therapy, maybe not but you are making a big difference. ❤
Thank you for speaking to families with addicts in them… this dynamic has been the one that has been the hardest for me to recognize self abandonment ❤
You're welcome. I am witnessing you with compassion 💕
Subscribed! So excited I found your videos because I've started a mother wound healing journey ❤️
I'm honored to be part of your journey ❤️❤️
Such a helpful blog... i can see so much of my self in this and my people pleasing ways
I'm glad it was helpful ❤️
Thank you for your videos and books!
Thank you for being here ❤️
EXCITED 😁
2:42 i am on with you. I wish we all would think like that... Thank you ❤
Thank you so much for your amazing work, Terri!
I follow your channel, IG and the podcast, and definitely resonate with this particular video and have resonated with so much work you put out in the past. I loved your book “Boundary Boss,” and definitely am getting “Too Much” as well.
I have grown up not even knowing any other way to be but to repeatedly say, do and even think what those around me wanted from me. Anytime I would ever try to say anything to stand up for my views or feelings, it would turn out to be a huge argument/angry debate and I would walk away feeling like I was the problem, feeling shame and toxic guilt. I excelled in school and social life, I was doing absolutely amazing on the outside, but inside I was never happy; I had a few “lows” as a teen, when I would experience an emotional crisis, and at 26 years old I had a major existential crisis, while everyone around seemed to think I was doing amazingly well and checking out all the boxes. It took 8 years of deep, deep emotional,spiritual, and psychological work to realize what exactly happened in my past and who I really am, as well as what my real needs are. I am 34 and I would say I am in recovery from those tendencies, learning to listen to myself, consider myself and treat myself the way I always deserved to be treated. Thank you so much for your work again. This video has come at exactly perfect time as I am working on prioritizing my feelings and views in the smallest every day situations and learning to speak when I have something to say - wether it will feel warm and fuzzy or not really.
Thank you for being here and sharing your experience with us, Vera (and for reading my books!) ❤️ So many of the people in my crew have had similar experiences where they were made to feel 'wrong' growing up and just internalized it as "I'm the problem." So glad to hear you're in recovery from those tendencies because you are worthy!! ❤️❤️
@@terri_cole ❤️Thank you! I have full body goose bumps reading your reply. You are doing such crucial work in the world.
You're so welcome ❤️ I appreciate you!
Thank you, Terry for reiterating all of these facts that occur in my life and I work hard not to allow and your boundary boss boundaries have made me much more proficient at it
💕
Thank you, Terri, for sharing all your expertise. It has opened a window and let in the light. 💕
I'm so glad to hear that, Diane ❤️❤️
Thank you Terry for your wisdom, expertise and gentle loving approach towards life’s challenges.
I can relate to this topic mainly because of my adoption experience, self abandoment ment my survival.
Much love to you dear lady from Perth Australia 🇦🇺 ❤
❤️❤️❤️
Thank you SO much!!
You're so welcome!
Girl everytime I get notifications on your new videos and in every single video when you say please subscribe i check as if im not idk why i keep doing this every time lmao
Lol! Thank you for subscribing and watching 💕💕
just pre-ordered your book on Audible. Congrats 🎉 I’m so excited to get it, Terri!
Thank youuu 💕💕 I'm so excited for you to have it!
Wonderful video thank you 🙂
You're so welcome 💕
Hi i am valsala Menon from India . i grew up with an overprotective stifling mom, and later i married a person who loves only himself. I am married to him for 36 years now and even though i dote on him, every day he puts me down, shouts and yells at me at the slightest provocation and....... To make a long story short, i just cant take it anymore. My self esteem, confidence, my sanity, everything is at stake.
All i ever wanted in life was to be loved and understood, and this is what i get
I am witnessing you with compassion 💕 You deserve love and understanding.
If you're in India, this website lists free mental health resources that are available: www.thelivelovelaughfoundation.org/find-help/helplines If you are in crisis, please reach out to a professional therapist, a friend, or a trusted member of your family so you are not alone during this time. Sending you lots of love and strength 💕
Just brilliant. 😊
Thank you Debbie!
Terri, Ive been on this journey od life discovery for about 10 years now.... Learned alot about boundries, emotions, etc..... To me it seems like a lot of people-pleasing behavior, self-abandonment might also be linked to BASIC instincts when careing for infants and todlers ....... In the past, but also now in Ukraine, Gaza, Afghanistan, Isreal even, etc... parents are put in situations, when they might actually have to sacrifice their own needs and safety so that their children might survive.... Yet many people today dont have children or not that many, so this basic instinct has no use over time, but it might just be a basic inborn program of how to function.... So learning to do things differently in modern society is a necessity, but the origins of this now dysfunctional behavior might just be instinct and survival mechanisms to ensure future generations..... If people still had 8-12 children, they would probably only have the capacity to be hypercaring for the youngest and the others would mature according to age and interactions with same age children.... My theory.
thank you for a timely essential video. p.s. you are so pretty you look like margot robbie 😄
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Very helpful. Thank you ❤
So glad it was helpful ❤️
Thank you ❤
You're welcome ❤️
I am a people pleaser and tend to abandon myself in my relationship. But they all go so it's time for me to change.😢
I am witnessing you with compassion 💕
When my partner gets upset or angry I feel desperate. My fear to let others down or see that they are sad because of me, makes me feel helpless. I know that others reactions and feelings is not my responsibility but STILL I can't give it up. It's exhausting.
It really is exhausting. I see you ❤️
Take some break with yourself often .
You should separate if they cause you that much distress
Much needed thank you 🙏🏻 ❤
You're so welcome 💕
Gotcha,Terri,, good report, doing better,and findingways to back off people, not feed me, need to help, my relationship with son, not hinder it... ....son!❤ loves mom,you are lucky, let's sit this one out in church😅😊🎉❤peace
Absolutely identify with this. Found you via Mark Groves and came here. My partner of 30+ years learned a few years ago that she’s ASD - Do you have any content/thoughts about HFC and neurodiverse relationships?
Welcome, Eric! Love my pal Mark 💕 Neurodiversity unfortunately isn't my specialty. Could you say more about the dynamics you might be interested in exploring?
Can you please turn up your volume? I am new here, thanks to hearing you on the I've Had It podcast! I am binge watching you and I've noticed that all of your videos are very low in volume. Thanks!
My girlfriend only takes bits and pieces of what you say in your videos. Almost like something that is super helpful is used to justify their actions and manipulate. She looks at my a.d.h.d and anxiety as the issue because she read the symptoms on Google. I just wanted her to be more self aware because currently, I'm doing all of the work while she is getting worse and doesn't see anything I do for as love even though I do what she says she needs or wants that is love to her and it never works. I just sold my house that I lived in for 30 years... my whole life. My parents died when I was 26 and 32 so I've got my own things but I am completely self aware and tend to be the one to have to fix something or apologize for someone telling me I'm wrong about how I feel. I have felt unheard for almost a year and I've been saying that to her in every way possible. Now suddenly (even though she didn't hear me) she has the same problem in the same verbiage I used. It's driving me to insanity. Please help. I don't want to give up on someone. It's a horrible feeling. I know I can't fix her but I myself don't know how to deal with being called a narcissist consistently when she has a whole version of me made up in her head that is an angry horrible person and I don't understand why. It's not me at all.
I am witnessing you with so much compassion 💕 This sounds really difficult, and I saw your other comment as well. You say, "I don't want to give up on someone" but why do you think of it as "giving up" on her? It sounds like you're trying to do the work and bring it into the relationship and she only turns it on you. It doesn't sound as though she's engaging with it WITH you, as a team. Have you tried telling her how this makes you feel? That you're noticing it's harder to bring things up to her when you feel like you're going to be blamed, and that it's bumming you out because you love her and want this to work?
One of the tools that I find useful in getting to the bottom of some of these relational dynamics is the 3 Qs:
1. Who from your past does your girlfriend remind you of?
2. Where have you felt like this before?
3. How or why is this behavioral pattern familiar to you?
It's possible you're playing out aspects of an unresolved wound from childhood with your girlfriend. Or it's possible she's doing that with you.
You mentioned "doesn't see anything I do for as love even though I do what she says she needs or wants that is love to her and it never works." This sounds like it could be manipulation, but have you had a very honest conversation with her about how she wants to be loved? What does it look like or feel like to her? Basically, what are your love languages? It's possible that you may be showing her love in a way she doesn't recognize, but it's also not fair for her to disregard anything you do for her.
There's a lot more that could be explored here- I have a ton of videos on my channel about relationship dynamics that might be helpful 💕
I worked really hard for at least a decade to stop self-abandoning. The NPD brother worked really hard to create master disasters to make sure I could not do that fully. I escaped for a while but one of my choices to help him go to my mother's house was the worst mistake of my life. When I went no contact with the both of them because they had gotten into this toxic co-dependent embrace during that time he put my mother in such a bad position that there was no way that I could not leave her in the circumstance she is in. However since then he has destroyed every single thing I built in that nearly five year period away from him (4 from my mother) and he is literally just copying everything that I am doing to try to not be homeless and for my mother to die in the thing he helped to put her in. I am beyond angry. I have to do what I did last time and that is pray to my God for his quick vengeance and help!
I am witnessing you with compassion 💕
Thank you so much for this amazing video 🌹🌹🥰🥰 I have issue that's happening many times- conflict with my sisters - I'm a person who wish when I talk , to be listened and to be understood. My sisters have bad habits " defensive or attacking and didn't get my point ".... Do I have to cut my relationship with them " we are 7 sisters " Or " to change something on me" ??!! .. Each situation, I will steps back & try to figure out " what's wrong I did , I regret talking to them " . Can you make video how to communicate with those who use defensive or attacking tactics " even if I talk in general subject "... thank you so much 🌹🌹🌹
I am so sorry to hear you're experiencing such difficulty when talking with your sisters. 💕 I have several videos on effective communication, but I think this might also be a boundary issue. Have you told your sisters that you are only looking for a compassionate ear when sharing stuff with them? You can say something like, "I appreciate your support and know it's coming from a good place, but I just want to be witnessed and know that you're here for me. I'm not seeking input or advice on this matter. I just want support and acknowledgement." Basically, you're telling them ahead of time you're sharing with them to be seen and understood, not to be treated like a project. If they continue to interject, you can put up a finger and say, "Wait a sec, I wasn't done sharing yet. Please let me finish."
More broadly, you could tell them (during a neutral time) that you love them and that you're bummed by their reactions whenever you try to share things with them because you don't feel understood or heard because it's coming between your relationship with them.
Since this is a thing with your sisters, I also wonder if this behavior was normalized during childhood? Was communication in your family often chaotic? Did anyone get listened to or understood? How did your parents communicate together, and with all of you? Thinking about what you saw in your family of origin in terms of communication might give you some insights.
As an analyst, do you advise your patients on how to modify their behavior? Or explain family systems to them? I thought that analysis was more passive and less proactive about mundane aspects of life. (I like the phrase: "The family organized around an addict." That says it all.)
Thanks,Terri. I resonate with your story. This was me for many years. I humbled by your darma. You are a blessing. 🫶
Thank you, Donna 💕 I appreciate you!
Hi Terri, I love your content and I’m new to your channel.
Considering the signs that you have given of self-abandonment (yes… that’s me sometimes) could you please explain the following situations?
1. I have an appointment to have my nails done. When I arrive at the salon the manicurist is busy with another client and is saying that it’ll be long before they are done... Instead of saying something like “I made an appointment… blab la bla”, I just become speechless with anger and frustration.
2. A friend says she’ll come over on her way to someplace else. I think she didn’t go there eventually as she never came to see me (and didn’t update me), then I find out she did go, and I ask her why didn’t she come visit me (she is the one pressuring to see me, and I had to say “let me know before you do” and I didn’t…) she said “I don’t know what route my husband chose…” - And instead of saying “cut the BS” I just keep quiet.
Why don’t we say something right away in our defense when people wrong us and we tell ourselves that it has taken us time to understand what had happened, when in fact we understand right away?
Thank you.
Thank you for watching and asking these Qs 💕 I think a lot of it comes down to being raised and praised for being self-abandoning codependents. Many of us learned early on not to make a fuss, because our parents wouldn't react well to us being upset or crying. We often take that behavior with us into adulthood. It can be really scary to voice our truth right away, especially when we've lived our lives putting ourselves last. It can feel unnatural to put ourselves first! It takes practice, but if you learn the language of boundaries, then it becomes easier to "talk true" (as I say) and start speaking up for yourself. (For example, telling the manicurist that you booked an appointment and waiting longer than 5-10 minutes is unacceptable, and telling your friend that you found it frustrating to wait for her only for her not to show when she said she would.)
I have another video on talking true here that may be helpful: th-cam.com/video/2_SZ1qjF7TY/w-d-xo.html
@@terri_cole Thank you for your response and detailed answer. Sadly I can say that I relate... Thank you for the link to the other video.
You're so not alone 💕
What about when this relationship is with your old and fragile mom? What do you do when she is a narcisist person and you have to take care of her and protect her because she is no longer able to do it? And if I say that she abandoned you when you were a child? But she has nobody but you in the world!
I see you ❤️ I speak about this briefly at the end of this episode because it's such a common question: th-cam.com/video/xl8HNr-Zsv4/w-d-xo.html I personally don't believe that you owe abusers. Even if they are your parents. Even if they are older. Even if you're an only child. The question I pose to all my clients is: what would happen if you were abducted by aliens tomorrow? We're not always guaranteed to be here to care for our parents regardless. If you have the means/ability, I'd look into seeing if her insurance covers care (depending on where you live), and/or hiring help so you don't feel like you "have" to care for her.
I am an abandoholic.
My family thinks I'm crazy. I need proof before they really lock me up😢
You're such a badass!❤
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Can I purchase your new book as an eBook version? Do you sell in Germany?
Yes, it's available on Kindle! It seems to be available here: www.amazon.de/-/en/Terri-Cole-ebook/dp/B0D12VJGP5
But what can I do if my husband pushes me for self abandoning and threatening me if I rejected. The problem is that I am an immigrant who is unemployed and mom of 2 kids with my husband. I am afraid to take kids for a shelter when conflict is very tough. What should I do?
I'm so sorry to hear you're in this situation 💕 Your safety (and the safety of your kids) comes first, and I wouldn't advise behaving in a way that provokes him. I have a video on how to leave an abusive relationship, and there are links to free resources in the video description that may be able to help you figure out how to handle this: th-cam.com/video/8AQEK62Jogs/w-d-xo.html
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I'm new. Hi.
Welcome Stacey, glad to have you here!
I wonder your thoughts are on disgust. I have seen this emotion
pop lately. I try to abandon emotions and disgust is one of them. I didn't know this was a a primary emotion?
It might be helpful to explore this further by journaling about it. Some questions you can ask: Why do you think you "try to abandon emotions" in general? What might you have learned about disgust growing up? Did either of your parental impactors get disgusted often? Were you punished for feeling disgusted as a child? What does disgust feel like in your body? When does the feeling seem to arise in you? I hope that's helpful!
James Staples V . marceline MO. 10 months widowed from a 42 year marriage to a horrrid Vulnerable malignant narcisstist. First i stayed for the kids, then the g-kids; then she was slowly dying from having her polycycstic kidneys removed ; i could not abandon her, her last days would have been so cruel for her al Anyone she woould come into contact with. I am the Veteren Army of One. happy to serve, in fact my motto has been from one of my past military units. "Service first and always". now I am completely ,IDK. Who am I where am i why am i.??
I am witnessing you with so much compassion, James ❤️ Figuring out who we are after abusive relationships can be so difficult, especially when we were taught to serve others before ourselves. (I can relate!)
Hi Terri, question? - when there are children involved but not mine..... How would and authentic well-balanced person/women respond to family situations, where woman (I) over time discovers just how dysfunctionally toxic motherINLaw and sisterINLaw are..... narrow-minded, criticize almost everything authentic (that which is not from their small town local traditions, etc. ), sister in law yelling frequently at family gatherings when other people speak. Seems like Oedipal mother in law and maybe even Oedipal sister in law who seems very controlling and arrogant (niece 12 seems not expected to help at home, she is dressed up and paraded by her mother)... So monthy family get-to-gethers are uncomfortable.... as any expression of anything by almost anyone is yellled at for some reason or another by sister in law and sometimes even mother in law in very companding arrogant manor, even yelling by sister in law. Most people stay silent most of the time when sister in law is present, but when the family meets for lunch until dinner.... so many hours of not saying almost anything is not tolerable... She used to yell at her son (he is now 19 and will graduate 12th grade soon so risk of him leaving her home), now last maybe 1-2 years she yells at me as soon as I say anything or my husband says anything.... ridiculous nonsense reasons.... Most people just shut up and dont respond or react, but Im getting fed up with her "winnning" all arguments at all of these family gatherings just because she is aggressive and no one responds..... NOT sure what to do. Dont want her to have all the power, which she now has mostly. Dont want niece and nephew to only see toxic yelling and no healthy response. YET not sure if anything is a good idea, if any response is a good idea. It sucks. If we divide people into 3 basic categories: wise, fool, or evil..... She seems like the fool, who will never thank you for construtive criticism and will only attack you all the more... intuition tells me she might just blow up and refuse to let us see the kids..... Two adult women (cca 45 + 74) treating children, grand children in such a way, bribing them with food (litterally) (seems like) and hopeing they will visit grandma, but grandma does not talk with them, only at them, telling them to eat.... Really, Im not kidding. What to do, how to respond to such dysfunctional family BS, when kids (now 12 + 18) are there and seeing everything. Is it worth me being attacked verbally and lied about later probably ? I dont tolerate conflict well and sleep badly after these gatherings.
I'm so sorry to hear you're witnessing this kind of aggressive behavior with your in-laws. That sounds stressful 💕 It sounds like this behavior has been normalized within the family system and that there's some unspoken agreements about not rocking the boat to avoid upsetting your mother and sister-in-law further. Unfortunately, I think the best course of action is to distance yourself however much you can from these events and the family. If you don't tolerate conflict well and sleep badly after these gatherings, you have the option to not go! Or to go, but maybe once a quarter. That is what is within your control. You can't control how your mother or sister-in-law react or feel, or the power dynamics there. They're clearly not open to your feedback if they yell at you for speaking up. As crushing as it is with kids involved, unless they seek out your guidance, I don't know that they're "your side of the street." But you can let them know that you're there for them if they need support and show them the love they deserve.
How does your husband feel about all of this, if he is also on the receiving end of this behavior? Does he feel obligated to go to these gatherings? Is there any way he'd also agree to dial it back? Or would he mind if you began opting out more often?
@@terri_cole - Thnak you. Husband wont discuss it at all. Is angry when I talk about it but is silent. As if the rule "honoring your parent" means not mentioning anything they do wrong. Im in a sticky situation. If I go there is yelling, if I dont go, there will be backlash as well.... Weird... I go see my mohter sometimes by myself, but my husband never goes by himself to see his mother. I am the driver, he rarely drives (I think its anxiety on his part but that is another thing he wont discuss). It seems that my husband does see it, especially now that I began talking about it some months ago. BUT he wont discuss anything, he is just silnet.
That's really difficult. Do you think he'd be open to writing about it instead? It's possible he needs some time to adjust to this new reality if you're getting the sense that he is coming around to it since you began voicing your concerns a few months ago. But that doesn't mean you need to be dragged into going.
It sounds like you might need to set a boundary around his family events. During a neutral time, and with advance notice, I'd say something like, "Hey, we've been talking about your family events and how stressful they can be, and I've been thinking about the impact they've had on me. I don't get very good sleep afterwards and feel really wound up. To protect myself, I'd like to stay home next time. I understand this is difficult for you, that it's your family and you love them. I will be here to support you, but I can't keep subjecting myself to their yelling. I wanted to let you know in advance so you can work out how to get there." If he gets angry about it, let him (of course, keep yourself safe!), but stay firm and keep asserting that you love him and want to support him, but you can't keep doing this song and dance with his family because it's too stressful. He can figure out how to get there if he really wants to go. It's not your responsibility to figure it out for him. If he guilt trips you about it, know that you have nothing to feel guilty about. You can let him know you're willing to accompany him X times a month/quarter- whatever feels right to you. And you also have the right to change your mind.
Separately, you can also let him know that you understand this situation could be difficult for him to process. Let him know you're there for him whenever he's ready to talk, that you're genuinely interested in how he feels about it, that you'd like for it to be an open and honest conversation, and leave it at that for now. Hopefully he comes around to talking about it so you don't feel alone in this. ❤️
@@terri_cole - Thank you. Its such a disappoint. Im from a toxic family (father narc, mother schizofrenia) so for years I was focused on dealing with cPTSD like symptoms and all the responsibility b/c of mom. Got that all sorted and mostly dealt with and now realize this... got really bad after momINlaw broke up with long term boyfriend... She is widow since my husband was 18. Now I see the Oedipal mother problem. I think he knows at some level.
Thank you for helping me understand more🪴
You're so welcome Janet 💕