I had to start with being self aware, what is causing me stress or triggering my anxiety. I struggled being a yes person and a people pleaser. I started saying let me get back to you and actually think about weather I want to do what they are asking. Take the time practicing say no, or go back and say yes. I’m getting to the point where I can say no in the moment.
You've got to do an assessment...an inventory of the people in your life. There are vampiric people who must be let go...I promise you, once you hold a boundary to these people, they will INDEED let you go...there will be no use for you. There are also people that have what I call "tire fires"...these people have unrelenting addictive drama...not trauma, but "drama". They are addicts to the incessant low vibratory scripts in thier life. All of your precious energy and wisdom will fall on deaf ears...these folks will not likely heal any time soon. In fact, the more you make company with them...the more your vagus nerve will become dysfunctional. Studies have shown that our autonomic nervous system syncs up with those we hang around..."co-regulation". This is detrimental to our physical health...we will indeed become physically sick. Do an assessment on your tribe...and always remember, NO is a complete sentence.
I just started this episode and I was getting a call from someone who I knew was calling with shit I didn't want to hear. Honestly I am in the middle of a video that's "NOT TOXIC TO MY MENTAL HEALTH" so I am not answering. Then she mentioned her sister and I'm blown away! We shouldn't feel guilty for allowing people to sit and get clarity for themselves. We should actually feel guilty for ENABLING them to constantly stay stuck in their own life.
I'm really struck by the beauty of this woman. Her mannerisms, her voice, the kindness and gentleness and wisdom in her face and general elegance in her composure. She's a work of art.
I was thinking the same. You put it so beautifully. Elegance is so true all along with Grace and poise. Unless she is screaming at her husband about being ripped off and filing lawsuits, of course.
As a codependent empath I became a teacher which is a profession that violates your boundaries daily. I had a mental breakdown and my psychologist said the same to me as Terri Cole. This video is gold.
"When you're saying yes when you really wanna say no, that's not being nice, that's just being dishonest. How can anyone ever authentically love you if you never allow them to authentically know you?" Wow
Boundaries are hard to set with narcissists/individuals with narcissistic traits.They leave you feeling like you are the crazy one and they punish you. It's a mental challenge that seriously distorts your thinking. So having resources like your video are really helpful.
Yes I think it’s much more complicated in this arena. I’ve learnt the hard way. When the other person is toying with your boundaries, when there is gaslighting going on, you need to get very clear before you decide the best action to take. Most boundary setting I did in an overt way, I regret. Now I first ask myself, who is this person? Are they capable of a reciprocal relationship, do they care about me? Only if I decide they genuinely care for me, do I explain my boundary, otherwise I just back away, because it’s mostly just been entering in to quicksand with those people.
Some people call and vent and they just suck the life out of you and then they pick themselves up and they go about their day and you were the one that had the life just sucked out of you. This lady just taught me some lessons. I’m not gonna let that happen anymore.
To paraphrase one of the most powerful statements: “If you have something to say, silence is a lie.” 🎤 Mic drop. Wow. 🤯 The wisdom presented in this segment is simply invaluable; it may be the best explanation of boundaries and codependency I’ve ever heard. Terri brilliantly deconstructs codependency and illustrates the ways in which our attempts to “care” for others can be backhanded efforts to control them, and can be driven by fear rather than love. Fear of rejection, namely. That is, “giving is love; over giving is dysfunctional.” Further, she posits that self-love is not a feeling but a way of life, one that allows you to negotiate your own needs (as opposed to being obsessed with the needs of others). Terri presents her wisdom with much grace. Thank you for this wonderful conversation. And love to all who may read this or watch this talk. May we all grow into the best version of ourselves! 💕💕
This video is speaking to me. I am guilty of this, of carrying others’ pain that it made me lose respect for myself and for others, it turned me angry. Practicing every day to stop giving answers to others and keeping my space for my peace.
I put a boundary between me and my dad, he comments on my body negatively every time he sees me whether it’s my weight, my body hair, my clothes. It’s been like this since being small, and for the first time I stood up for myself with grace, compassion and maturity. It scared me but it felt like I was gaining power in that moment, and that is how I realised it was the right thing for me to do
A man should never comment on a woman's appearance in a negative or sarcastic way. It shows lack of training and immaturity. Always be tactful and tasteful.
This is one of the best interviews I've heard from women of impact probably because I needed to hear so many things she's mentioning I can totally resonate with it and I can see other people my life who had these issues as a mom how my kid is always trying to violate my boundaries as a parent about how where his bad words are and where mine are he's always trying to ask you a different way my mom over gives too much and I tell my boyfriend that I don't want to be with him anymore because of all the dysfunctional things that are happening and contradictions he still tries to ask me over or tries to talk to me and I'm weak because I'm lonely and he has my kid that we share and I want to be wanted
So true. One needs to feel the pain of their wrong choices themselves to propel themselves to course correct. Wow so empowering. Tks Terri Cole. Tks Lisa🤗🙏
Wow I needed this literally today. I (and my daughter) are co dependent. She is married to a full blown narcissist. She left him a couple months ago. I helped get her a place, and have talked to her for hours every night and watched tv with her every night with the hope that if she wasn’t lonely she wouldn’t go back. She spent the weekend with him and it sent me in a bit of a depression. Even though I knew she would. She basically ignored me the whole weekend I think out of guilt. I’m left wondering what more I can do. But it’s the effect on me that is startling. And hearing today that I’m doing a dis service to her by not allowing her to hit bottom is ironic. Because that’s exactly what I said to her about him. But it’s so true. I need to trust her to find her own way. She’s 24 and it’s so scary for us both. She needs to stand on her own ideas.
Hmm...you can't do anymore than you already have. It's very sad. I've been watching this s*** play out in my own family with my adult child who is legally attached to a narcissist who is a demonic abusive monster 👹.
@@evka24 I love her. Dr R is how is figured out what was going on with him. Sent her every video I could find with Dr R. I still watch her even though We know what’s going on
Be careful saying someone have none responsibility for what they have done to you. In a abuse relationship or bullying the abuser always have the responsibility. Its not our fault that people beat us or abuse us. We have a choice to leave, but they have no right to do that too someone else.
Similar to having to get a restraining orders that that person doesn’t uphold continuous violating it, there’s no negotiation. What these two ladies are addressing are semi normal open parties who are willing to negotiate, be genuine and transparent. You’re never receive this behavior from toxic people and it does violate your boundaries, safety etc… very painful to get away. Once you do block and no contact forever. That’s a boundary.
Boundaries are so crucial.I learned about them much too late in life.Im on my late thirties and I am bitter as hell for allowing myself to be walked on.
Hey, you are only in your late 30's???!! Dance in the streets honey, your best years are still to come! It took me 52 years!! ;-) You are doing GREAT! (And bitter is a pill that will only ever poison YOU, spit it out, look forward and enjoy the happy/strong pills coming your way!
As a Greek American Orthodox divorced woman with children struggling to build my life I need to say I APPRECIATE AND LOVE YOU LISA SO MUCH FOR MAKING THESE VIDEOS!
I used to feel bad for setting the boundaries that I set for the people in my life who wanted me to solve their problems. I used to feel so drained. I am certainly not an expert on boundary setting mostly because I did not understand how unhealthy my growing up was until my teenage years and then again in my 30s/40s. This interview was so helpful. Thank you for this channel and for all the interviews you have on here. Much love and prayers for your continued success.
!!!!INCREDIBLE!!!! THANK YOU to all of you who made this video! I can't wait to read the book Boundary Boss!!! I wish I learned all this in kindergarten!!! This is such vital information for good relationships! I learned so much from this interview! Thank you so much Terri Cole for sharing such important information that can truly change the world for the better! If I had known about healthy boundaries when I was younger then I would have recognized when someone was crossing them. I would have been safer. I'm excited to see what the next generation will do with this knowledge. And a huge thank you to Lisa Bilyeu for shining your light!!! Lisa you are truly making this world a better place! I know that I am going to be more aware that I don't cross other people's boundaries and that I will be practicing making better boundaries that are not too rigid or not too loose. I think this will take a lot of practice. LOL And Lisa CONGRATULATIONS on your new book Radical Confidence!!!
Pertaining to the super duper loud music at approximately @9:33 that was sooo uneven and deafening to the ears, please edit this part, but thank you soooo much for all these wonderful, inspiring, informative Women of Impact vids! 🙂
This is so phenomenal! When you try to step in to stop the abuse you circumvent the abuser but you also circumvent the victim growing their own wings through the pain and separation, you confirm for them that they can’t be responsible for themselves so you (or the abuser) should ride in on a white horse and manage their lives for them - you allow them not to have to manage their own. Amazing. What do we get from staying involved in these problems? A sense of control over them, a sense of mastery or self importance or self righteousness? Such valuable questions to ask - your therapist discussing that your sister’s relationship messed with your peace - so you needed to cut lose from the drama in her life - not from her or from caring for her - but from the pain it was causing *you*. Such phenomenal insight. Thank you thank you thank you for sharing this opportunity so many of us can learn from, Strong Ladies! Thank you! Women of substance, of depth, and reflection. Thank you!
What a freaking amazing interview! I have never heard talk someone about setting boundaries in such a clear and simple way. Beautiful!! I will pay even more attention to what Terri mentioned and I probably might still be doing. Oh my god, I can identify myself with so many things and it really doesn’t have to be that way 💪🏻💜🙏🏻
@@lauraelk97 yes it is. The worst part is she actually built a relationship with the person who abused me and continues to fall for the charm/showmanship and she often gifts him things. She knows what happened and ignores it so she doesn’t have to feel uncomfortable. No consideration for her own child.
@@kellykimani3488 that’s basically telling someone to stay quiet and take the abuse bc there are shared genes. Very outdated and harmful to someone who has been through emotional abuse. Abuse is abuse and I don’t have to be around anyone who treats me like garbage. Contrary to popular belief, it’s the parents responsibility to become emotionally healthy in order to meet their child’s needs. The child of a parent who gave nothing, owes nothing.
I love how the host starts to really just nod so heavily holds her breath so to not blurt out and allow the speaker to finish its like we feel exactly how you feel girl 🤣🤣 its like wowwwww what a perspective or wow I really didn't understand it like that ... I just love to see her excitement and anxiousness to not blurt out and let the speaker finish 💜
@@lisabilyeu8103 I agree that you are an AMAZING interviewer! So real, present, PREPARED (can i say that again??) curious and lit up about life. I felt like I knew you before because I LOVE your work and now I am grateful to know you IRL (can't wait to come to LA 🙌) Thanks again, pal xo
"You can trust that I can handle this." WOW!!! There are so many incredible quotes from this interview, but something about this struck me. I will certainly start saying telling over-steppers that the best way to support me is to trust that I can handle this in my own way.
I'm so glad I found this today. I am barely hanging on and have been running on fumes while being asked to give more. I am left with rage that volcanos out daily. I feel very alone.
Love this conversation! I think women all over the world needed this conversation. There’s so much to build on and grow from here, true strengthening information
This is so rich! I mean the boundaries type, how you deal with to step by step, the boundaries quiz to test our own boundaries style is so amazing! Thank you so much for this interview! I love this video, thank you Lisa for inviting such powerful woman to teach us. Really appreciated!!❤️❤️❤️
Thank you ladies y’all are so powerful and you both look so incredible today thank you for such a wonderful interview it’s taking me a lifetime to learn boundaries but I got it now thank you
Im trying not to cry bc this is exactly what i needed today! My lil sister is in a serious situation that her choices keep putting her in and i have to safe enough
I had this friend who reacted that way literally every time I would call her to hangout for coffee or anything at all when I have never been the type to ever talk about personal issues. I"M SORRY, but sometimes, people are delusional LOL. Sometimes, it's the other "friend"s" 'problem'...and I use quotation marks, because it can be exhausting to have to deal with someone who knows ABSOLUTELY NOTHING of you, but firmly believes that they do, even though you've known each other for decades! I consider 'those people' "fake friends", because it reality, people who are dedicated to misunderstanding you will never change their wrong perception of you. I've had therapists who completely misread me and messed me up, SMASHING every single piece of progress I have ever made and DESTROYED my self-esteem/self-image! It felt like she was doing it ON PURPOSE over HER OWN ISSUES. I had to fire her! SHE BROKE MY TRUST! LOL! Sometimes, 'those therapists' LITERALLY RUIN LIVES!!! SHE HATED ME...possibly, because I have a lot of character and already had the confidence. Perhaps, I didn't need a therapist, but at $180/hour, I'm sure she didn't mind me paying her once a week. I now do this to anyone I want FAR AWAY FROM ME. I regret it shortly after, but life makes us bitter and cynical sometimes. Perhaps, I will grow to like people again someday and stop screaming GTFAFM every time a man approaches me. LOL! MEN! HAHAHA!
What’s in my basement around boundaries. Wow, I’m a little frightened about that. As an ENFJ-A type, I am both curious and frightened about that basement! Thank you Ms. Cole! I’m getting your books, several in fact, so I can share with my daughter, sisters and friends….
Sometimes "ridged boundaries" is the only way to protect ourselves when others continue to act out in a hurtful way. I set a strict boundary for my New Years resolutions. Sent a group email to all parties, All Narcissistic Personalities. were emotional abusers in my life, and let them know, "I'm DONE",Claiming my life back, Don't bother me with family matters...HANDLE IT! This took DECADES for me to implement. Yes, People use to your pleasing them are not going to be pleased when you STOP! TOOOOO BAD!
Oh my GOSH I watched 20 mins of this and it changed me and I feel like screaming it out to all women. Be kind, be nice then say I have given enough to yourself and go home ✨❤️
I love Terri and her work! She’s amazing and has so many healing nuggets! I had the great privilege of taking a workshop with her a few years back. How great she’s on your show and what a great interview!!! 👊😃💝
This was so spot on in every way I’m gonna listen again and take notes and keep rehearsing in my thought processes moving forward!!! Thank you so much emotional blueprints wow and no more keeping file cabinets!!! S0 many golden nuggets of profound wisdom!!!!
I sought connection...support and help of others makes me feel more connected and I feel my best when I am able to give something to or help someone else with something. It makes life feel more meaningful - even if only temporary...
I find this conversation very interesting because so much of what she says is actually taught in nutrition school when learning how to be somebody’s health coach. And another thing is I always teach my children never to take no for an answer.
Yikes, I'm sure you'll change that now.. what I do with my clients when they say (no) , i tell them I respect their decision and to let me know should they change their minds.. Several have later. 😉
Wow, the awareness she had of trying to control her sister’s situation to make her own sphere more peaceful. That is such an amazing and powerful way she came to that and had that discussion with her sister. Really needed to hear this.
This was amazing such a true fan! Your content is so spot on with the current trends in mental health awareness and empowerment! Thank you for standing in your authenticity and showing myself and others to do the same!
What an amazing episode. 👏🏽 It totally opened my eyes regarding the codependency I've been working through without knowing it. I did know I had to work on me and not on fixing everything for others. Plus, stepping back and observing the situation and checking in with myself before reacting like I used to. I'm able now to better control my emotions and involvement. Especially when I know they just want a reaction to then blame me and act like the victim and manipulate the story for retelling later and paint themselves as the victim.
Its the PEACE OUT at the end which brings the most biggest smile on my face after every episode, Lisa!!! Thanks for this one, valuable information from Terri Cole and yourself, definitely one to watch again!
In summary: Although we cannot stop someone from being manipulative we can extract ourselves from their manipulativeness only inside of ourselves at first while extracting ourselves from their realm ONLY AFTER realizing that the person in front of us is being manipulative in a way at first which has nothing at all to do with us and everything to do with their manipulativeness like when they are scheming about their new kind of tricks to do on all of the people next whom they are targeting not always towards us. Not always obvious right away. Keep your eyes open about what people love to brag about most. That often gives lots of clues early on enough. Because none of us can get through life without experiencing some trauma. The difference is not letting that trauma experience convince us that we are somehow defective and so that is why we are continuing to be or were being traumatized. Only then can we find what it takes to, if at all possible, extricate ourselves from that kind of trickery filled situation to recover and thrive again. Make no mistake about it when realizing that others before you probable had it worse while going through the same and that none of it is about you.
Great interview. I have heard the word 'boundary' for years, yet never thought how crucial it was for mental health and relationships. I've ordered the book and heading over to take the quiz. Thanks so much.
My favourite interview so far!🙌 Listen to you both so much, amazing to see you both together. Working on boundaries daily, it feels so unnatural to me but I'm seeing how beneficial it is to my wellbeing and happiness, as well as being better for others when I communicate my feelings more clearly! Thank you both some brilliant insights and love your energy together 🙏❤
Thank you both, for delivering the best chat I've seen on your channel. Terri, is a beautiful soul, and I love her humor. This resonated with me, my father, brothers, and a few x significant others, also some male friends, all talk to me like I'm below them in the pecking order. (from preschool days) To add, the best book for planning regular communication to continue a nurtured relationship. Titled " What your mother couldn't tell you and your father didn't know. ❤
I love your channel. These are things most people need to learn and to heal themselves first before trying to help someone else. Kudos to start something like this. This is very helpful to me in my personal life as I always struggle to set boundaries.
Disorganized attachment and CPTSD have caused a lot issues and angst around boundaries. I always thought I was good at them, til I learned that I generally waited til I was angry and then issued ultimatums or canceled people altogether, leaving me with months (or years TBH) of resentment afterward. Setting up expectations in relationships with the little things can really prevent a lot of these breakdowns. I love what Brianna Macwilliam said in a video once: You can have unconditional regard [love] for people, but *relationships* are conditional. This is because we all have limited time, energy, and resources. So unlike a lot of New Age thought around boundaries, expectations, and unconditional love, it is absolutely appropriate to have specific standards about how we allocate those resources in our relationships and what we need to have in return. Thais Gibson's Integrated Attachment Theory model has also been of great help.
Addiction is an escape to numb the pain instead of sourcing real ways to heal from negative experiences. Unfortunately lack of support makes one take the road to addiction and sometimes there's no other way at the moment of despair.🙏
OMG I Love this channel so much. The title is 100% accurate. Soooo impactful and thank you so much for your courage and perseverance to make a change in this world. 🥺🥺 My heart feels so full. Thank you!
This is right on time I needed this in my life after the hell I had went through allowing other people in my past relationships control me and break all my boundaries and I feel drained it has taken a toll on my body and peace of mind
it's so true. Unconsciously one operates from corrupted old programs that do not serve us today and unless one can delete the corrupted program and undergo reprogramming we remain stuck thus consequently output (patterns of behavior)is to some extent dysfunctional.🙏
Without pausing noticing our thoughts and questioning our automatic thoughts so that we can catch our thoughts and keeping our truths in mind choose words to express ourselves in an authentic and self-respecting manner and at the same time acknowledge the other person's persepective.🙏
1. Physical boundaries Sexual boundaries 2.Material boundaries ( Money,car) 3.Emotional boundaries ( Not easily guilted, Not blaming others for our choices) 4.Mental boundaries ( Your opinion) Porous boundaries Healthy boundaries Rigid boundaries ( my way or highway)
This episode is life changing! She is brilliant and delivers such dense quality content with confidence and honesty. You know she is putting in the work in her own life and how inspiring! Thank you for sharing :)
I have a problem with boundaries in saying yes to my needs and feeling guilty for no good reason, like for example I feel guilty taking a day off work when I am sick. It sucks.
Wow!!! 🤯 I heard myself telling my ex partner, “You’re not a trustworthy person!” And now realizing that I was not being trustworthy because I didn’t have good boundaries with him and was resentful towards HIM because of it! 😳😳😳
How do you set boundaries in your own life?
I had to start with being self aware, what is causing me stress or triggering my anxiety. I struggled being a yes person and a people pleaser. I started saying let me get back to you and actually think about weather I want to do what they are asking. Take the time practicing say no, or go back and say yes. I’m getting to the point where I can say no in the moment.
By being honest, expressing them clearly and not delaying to communicate
You've got to do an assessment...an inventory of the people in your life. There are vampiric people who must be let go...I promise you, once you hold a boundary to these people, they will INDEED let you go...there will be no use for you. There are also people that have what I call "tire fires"...these people have unrelenting addictive drama...not trauma, but "drama". They are addicts to the incessant low vibratory scripts in thier life. All of your precious energy and wisdom will fall on deaf ears...these folks will not likely heal any time soon. In fact, the more you make company with them...the more your vagus nerve will become dysfunctional. Studies have shown that our autonomic nervous system syncs up with those we hang around..."co-regulation". This is detrimental to our physical health...we will indeed become physically sick. Do an assessment on your tribe...and always remember, NO is a complete sentence.
@@hola8406 A@
I just started this episode and I was getting a call from someone who I knew was calling with shit I didn't want to hear. Honestly I am in the middle of a video that's "NOT TOXIC TO MY MENTAL HEALTH" so I am not answering. Then she mentioned her sister and I'm blown away!
We shouldn't feel guilty for allowing people to sit and get clarity for themselves. We should actually feel guilty for ENABLING them to constantly stay stuck in their own life.
I'm really struck by the beauty of this woman. Her mannerisms, her voice, the kindness and gentleness and wisdom in her face and general elegance in her composure. She's a work of art.
Agreed!!!
I was thinking the same. You put it so beautifully. Elegance is so true all along with Grace and poise. Unless she is screaming at her husband about being ripped off and filing lawsuits, of course.
@@HopeWins777 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Thank you for those kind words ❤️
I agree, she is like smart velvet!
As a codependent empath I became a teacher which is a profession that violates your boundaries daily. I had a mental breakdown and my psychologist said the same to me as Terri Cole. This video is gold.
"When you're saying yes when you really wanna say no, that's not being nice, that's just being dishonest. How can anyone ever authentically love you if you never allow them to authentically know you?" Wow
Right?!? 🤯🤯🤯
Profound
Yep! And a this time I thought I was being authentic, generally speaking.
That statement really hit me too!
Wow, this is powerful!
Boundaries are hard to set with narcissists/individuals with narcissistic traits.They leave you feeling like you are the crazy one and they punish you. It's a mental challenge that seriously distorts your thinking. So having resources like your video are really helpful.
Staying away and maintaining no contact is the only way. Boundaries only fuel their rage
Yes I think it’s much more complicated in this arena. I’ve learnt the hard way.
When the other person is toying with your boundaries, when there is gaslighting going on, you need to get very clear before you decide the best action to take. Most boundary setting I did in an overt way, I regret. Now I first ask myself, who is this person? Are they capable of a reciprocal relationship, do they care about me? Only if I decide they genuinely care for me, do I explain my boundary, otherwise I just back away, because it’s mostly just been entering in to quicksand with those people.
@@carolinevdvlies6969 100% agree, best thing I ever did - just wish I'd had the courage 30 years ago!
@@mharrod258 I truly hope you are in a good place now💜
@@carolinevdvlies6969 my parents are a big part of my life so i cant distance myself.
Terri Cole is the calm, grounded and unapologetic badass I want to grow up to be!
Some people call and vent and they just suck the life out of you and then they pick themselves up and they go about their day and you were the one that had the life just sucked out of you. This lady just taught me some lessons. I’m not gonna let that happen anymore.
Her voice is like a comforting, supportive hug that's raising you up to be the best You you can be
Yeah! I love how soft but strong her voice is. It's very calming and soothing to listen to. Not abrasive like some other people.
I agree but sometimes to me it also sounds like a robot voice, probably reminds me of GlaDOS sometimes
@@youtubesucks5131 I had to go listen to GlaDOS' voice to hear it and it is kinda similar. haha
To paraphrase one of the most powerful statements: “If you have something to say, silence is a lie.” 🎤 Mic drop. Wow. 🤯 The wisdom presented in this segment is simply invaluable; it may be the best explanation of boundaries and codependency I’ve ever heard. Terri brilliantly deconstructs codependency and illustrates the ways in which our attempts to “care” for others can be backhanded efforts to control them, and can be driven by fear rather than love. Fear of rejection, namely. That is, “giving is love; over giving is dysfunctional.” Further, she posits that self-love is not a feeling but a way of life, one that allows you to negotiate your own needs (as opposed to being obsessed with the needs of others). Terri presents her wisdom with much grace. Thank you for this wonderful conversation. And love to all who may read this or watch this talk. May we all grow into the best version of ourselves! 💕💕
🙏
I agree.....the information is gold.
Setting boundaries and staying firm with people especially family has given me so much peace. My peace is non negotiable.
Thank You Terri Cole for not being a loud person and screaming when you speak when you speak it speaks volumes and you explain everything so perfectly
This video is speaking to me. I am guilty of this, of carrying others’ pain that it made me lose respect for myself and for others, it turned me angry. Practicing every day to stop giving answers to others and keeping my space for my peace.
I put a boundary between me and my dad, he comments on my body negatively every time he sees me whether it’s my weight, my body hair, my clothes. It’s been like this since being small, and for the first time I stood up for myself with grace, compassion and maturity. It scared me but it felt like I was gaining power in that moment, and that is how I realised it was the right thing for me to do
A man should never comment on a woman's appearance in a negative or sarcastic way. It shows lack of training and immaturity. Always be tactful and tasteful.
Very good. I was always codependent.. a relationship is interdependence. I am learning.
This is one of the best interviews I've heard from women of impact probably because I needed to hear so many things she's mentioning I can totally resonate with it and I can see other people my life who had these issues as a mom how my kid is always trying to violate my boundaries as a parent about how where his bad words are and where mine are he's always trying to ask you a different way my mom over gives too much and I tell my boyfriend that I don't want to be with him anymore because of all the dysfunctional things that are happening and contradictions he still tries to ask me over or tries to talk to me and I'm weak because I'm lonely and he has my kid that we share and I want to be wanted
Revolutionary phenomenal TQ TQ TQ
Never ever get into a relationship if your hungry because then you end up with unhealthy because you are unhealthy.
Yes this is really so good I too can relate in the same way like you do
So true. One needs to feel the pain of their wrong choices themselves to propel themselves to course correct. Wow so empowering. Tks Terri Cole. Tks Lisa🤗🙏
The famous rock bottom
Wow so true !
Wow I needed this literally today. I (and my daughter) are co dependent. She is married to a full blown narcissist. She left him a couple months ago. I helped get her a place, and have talked to her for hours every night and watched tv with her every night with the hope that if she wasn’t lonely she wouldn’t go back. She spent the weekend with him and it sent me in a bit of a depression. Even though I knew she would. She basically ignored me the whole weekend I think out of guilt. I’m left wondering what more I can do. But it’s the effect on me that is startling. And hearing today that I’m doing a dis service to her by not allowing her to hit bottom is ironic. Because that’s exactly what I said to her about him. But it’s so true. I need to trust her to find her own way. She’s 24 and it’s so scary for us both. She needs to stand on her own ideas.
Hmm...you can't do anymore than you already have. It's very sad. I've been watching this s*** play out in my own family with my adult child who is legally attached to a narcissist who is a demonic abusive monster 👹.
Tell her to watch dr Ramani🤗dont push too hard anything we chase runs
@@evka24 I love her. Dr R is how is figured out what was going on with him. Sent her every video I could find with Dr R. I still watch her even though We know what’s going on
❤
@@tiffanycerasoli3540she has to find on own way & reflect.
Be careful saying someone have none responsibility for what they have done to you. In a abuse relationship or bullying the abuser always have the responsibility. Its not our fault that people beat us or abuse us. We have a choice to leave, but they have no right to do that too someone else.
That was the just the thing which struck me. I agree🥺
Similar to having to get a restraining orders that that person doesn’t uphold continuous violating it, there’s no negotiation. What these two ladies are addressing are semi normal open parties who are willing to negotiate, be genuine and transparent. You’re never receive this behavior from toxic people and it does violate your boundaries, safety etc… very painful to get away. Once you do block and no contact forever. That’s a boundary.
Boundaries are so crucial.I learned about them much too late in life.Im on my late thirties and I am bitter as hell for allowing myself to be walked on.
I feel that AND that bitterness is taking more away from you than it is giving you. You are here- and it's not too late...you are right on time xo
Sending you hugs
Read about victim mentality
Hey, you are only in your late 30's???!! Dance in the streets honey, your best years are still to come! It took me 52 years!! ;-) You are doing GREAT! (And bitter is a pill that will only ever poison YOU, spit it out, look forward and enjoy the happy/strong pills coming your way!
Yup, learned later in my life too! But it's not too late: we do better when we know better.
Deep respect now for martyrs like my mum... NOW i understand 🥺👐
Unsung heroes
As a Greek American Orthodox divorced woman with children struggling to build my life I need to say I APPRECIATE AND LOVE YOU LISA SO MUCH FOR MAKING THESE VIDEOS!
I am speechless at how amazing this interview is. This was amazing
Best breakdown of how to establish boundaries and how to identify where you need boundaries. Thank you for this
What a wise woman!
I used to feel bad for setting the boundaries that I set for the people in my life who wanted me to solve their problems. I used to feel so drained. I am certainly not an expert on boundary setting mostly because I did not understand how unhealthy my growing up was until my teenage years and then again in my 30s/40s. This interview was so helpful. Thank you for this channel and for all the interviews you have on here. Much love and prayers for your continued success.
I wish I could like this 100 times!!! Thank you. “If you can stop the immediate yes, it is so much easier to say no, if that’s what the answer is” 🙏
!!!!INCREDIBLE!!!! THANK YOU to all of you who made this video! I can't wait to read the book Boundary Boss!!! I wish I learned all this in kindergarten!!! This is such vital information for good relationships! I learned so much from this interview! Thank you so much Terri Cole for sharing such important information that can truly change the world for the better! If I had known about healthy boundaries when I was younger then I would have recognized when someone was crossing them. I would have been safer. I'm excited to see what the next generation will do with this knowledge. And a huge thank you to Lisa Bilyeu for shining your light!!! Lisa you are truly making this world a better place! I know that I am going to be more aware that I don't cross other people's boundaries and that I will be practicing making better boundaries that are not too rigid or not too loose. I think this will take a lot of practice. LOL And Lisa CONGRATULATIONS on your new book Radical Confidence!!!
Pertaining to the super duper loud music at approximately @9:33 that was sooo uneven and deafening to the ears, please edit this part, but thank you soooo much for all these wonderful, inspiring, informative Women of Impact vids! 🙂
This is so phenomenal! When you try to step in to stop the abuse you circumvent the abuser but you also circumvent the victim growing their own wings through the pain and separation, you confirm for them that they can’t be responsible for themselves so you (or the abuser) should ride in on a white horse and manage their lives for them - you allow them not to have to manage their own.
Amazing.
What do we get from staying involved in these problems? A sense of control over them, a sense of mastery or self importance or self righteousness?
Such valuable questions to ask - your therapist discussing that your sister’s relationship messed with your peace - so you needed to cut lose from the drama in her life - not from her or from caring for her - but from the pain it was causing *you*.
Such phenomenal insight. Thank you thank you thank you for sharing this opportunity so many of us can learn from, Strong Ladies! Thank you! Women of substance, of depth, and reflection. Thank you!
What a freaking amazing interview! I have never heard talk someone about setting boundaries in such a clear and simple way. Beautiful!! I will pay even more attention to what Terri mentioned and I probably might still be doing. Oh my god, I can identify myself with so many things and it really doesn’t have to be that way 💪🏻💜🙏🏻
🙌🙌🙌
My mother has violated so many of my boundaries and so often shown lack of emotional intelligence that I had to distance from her.
I see you Renee and am witnessing your courage to choose you with so much compassion xo
@@terri_cole thank you so much. I absolutely love you and your work. Thanks for everything.
it is very triggering to be around a mother who lacks emotional intelligence and is expecting everyone to lsten or do as she wants.
@@lauraelk97 yes it is. The worst part is she actually built a relationship with the person who abused me and continues to fall for the charm/showmanship and she often gifts him things. She knows what happened and ignores it so she doesn’t have to feel uncomfortable. No consideration for her own child.
@@kellykimani3488 that’s basically telling someone to stay quiet and take the abuse bc there are shared genes. Very outdated and harmful to someone who has been through emotional abuse. Abuse is abuse and I don’t have to be around anyone who treats me like garbage. Contrary to popular belief, it’s the parents responsibility to become emotionally healthy in order to meet their child’s needs. The child of a parent who gave nothing, owes nothing.
We are all born with free will and Lisa good for you! We all live our OWN lives!! You are such an encouragement and your guest also!! 💗
I love Terri. Thanks Lisa for inviting Terri again
I love how the host starts to really just nod so heavily holds her breath so to not blurt out and allow the speaker to finish its like we feel exactly how you feel girl 🤣🤣 its like wowwwww what a perspective or wow I really didn't understand it like that ... I just love to see her excitement and anxiousness to not blurt out and let the speaker finish 💜
Haha thanks so much!!! Yes she was blowing my mind and I just wanted her to keep going! 🥰
@@lisabilyeu8103 I agree that you are an AMAZING interviewer! So real, present, PREPARED (can i say that again??) curious and lit up about life. I felt like I knew you before because I LOVE your work and now I am grateful to know you IRL (can't wait to come to LA 🙌) Thanks again, pal xo
Lisa is fantastic. Ha. Who am I kidding? Both of these ladies are! And each in their own right🎉❤
This is so pure and so full of wisdom. Huge thanks ❤❤❤
"You can trust that I can handle this." WOW!!! There are so many incredible quotes from this interview, but something about this struck me. I will certainly start saying telling over-steppers that the best way to support me is to trust that I can handle this in my own way.
I'm so glad I found this today. I am barely hanging on and have been running on fumes while being asked to give more. I am left with rage that volcanos out daily. I feel very alone.
My sister says my Mum raised me to be a doormat, and now I understand that it is co-dependency. Thank you for the clarification 💜
Literally everything about Terri is so elegant and incredible wise, absolutely love her stuff.
Love this conversation! I think women all over the world needed this conversation. There’s so much to build on and grow from here, true strengthening information
This conversation is fire! Love the openness, truth and self-awareness.
Subscriber for life.
Really good….really good…..hands down the best video I’ve seen on setting boundaries 👏🏽🔥💥
This is so rich! I mean the boundaries type, how you deal with to step by step, the boundaries quiz to test our own boundaries style is so amazing! Thank you so much for this interview! I love this video, thank you Lisa for inviting such powerful woman to teach us. Really appreciated!!❤️❤️❤️
LOVED IT! thank you, I really needed this conversation. my head is popping up by new ideas and horizons!
Thank you ladies y’all are so powerful and you both look so incredible today thank you for such a wonderful interview it’s taking me a lifetime to learn boundaries but I got it now thank you
Im trying not to cry bc this is exactly what i needed today! My lil sister is in a serious situation that her choices keep putting her in and i have to safe enough
Thank you for this. I have worked on my boundaries for years now and cannot believe that I haven't seen Terri's work yet. She is excellent!!
I totally loved your guest
I learned soooo much about bounderies being a codependent person.
I had this friend who reacted that way literally every time I would call her to hangout for coffee or anything at all when I have never been the type to ever talk about personal issues. I"M SORRY, but sometimes, people are delusional LOL. Sometimes, it's the other "friend"s" 'problem'...and I use quotation marks, because it can be exhausting to have to deal with someone who knows ABSOLUTELY NOTHING of you, but firmly believes that they do, even though you've known each other for decades! I consider 'those people' "fake friends", because it reality, people who are dedicated to misunderstanding you will never change their wrong perception of you. I've had therapists who completely misread me and messed me up, SMASHING every single piece of progress I have ever made and DESTROYED my self-esteem/self-image! It felt like she was doing it ON PURPOSE over HER OWN ISSUES. I had to fire her! SHE BROKE MY TRUST! LOL! Sometimes, 'those therapists' LITERALLY RUIN LIVES!!! SHE HATED ME...possibly, because I have a lot of character and already had the confidence. Perhaps, I didn't need a therapist, but at $180/hour, I'm sure she didn't mind me paying her once a week. I now do this to anyone I want FAR AWAY FROM ME. I regret it shortly after, but life makes us bitter and cynical sometimes. Perhaps, I will grow to like people again someday and stop screaming GTFAFM every time a man approaches me. LOL! MEN! HAHAHA!
Lisa and Terri, this is exactly what I need to hear. Thank you for all you do.
What’s in my basement around boundaries. Wow, I’m a little frightened about that. As an ENFJ-A type, I am both curious and frightened about that basement! Thank you Ms. Cole! I’m getting your books, several in fact, so I can share with my daughter, sisters and friends….
Sometimes "ridged boundaries" is the only way to protect ourselves when others continue to act out in a hurtful way. I set a strict boundary for my New Years resolutions. Sent a group email to all parties, All Narcissistic Personalities. were emotional abusers in my life, and let them know, "I'm DONE",Claiming my life back, Don't bother me with family matters...HANDLE IT!
This took DECADES for me to implement. Yes, People use to your pleasing them are not going to be pleased when you STOP! TOOOOO BAD!
What you describe is a well-thought-out choice, not a rigid boundary. (You thought and decided- you did not REACT) And GO YOU!!! 🙌
Oh my GOSH I watched 20 mins of this and it changed me and I feel like screaming it out to all women. Be kind, be nice then say I have given enough to yourself and go home ✨❤️
Read the book. Much needed resource in my life. Highly recommended
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After listening this was so powerful and helpful. I am definitely getting your book!
I love Terri and her work! She’s amazing and has so many healing nuggets! I had the great privilege of taking a workshop with her a few years back. How great she’s on your show and what a great interview!!! 👊😃💝
Wow wow wow perfectly needed this after listening to my sis issue for hours
This was so spot on in every way I’m gonna listen again and take notes and keep rehearsing in my thought processes moving forward!!! Thank you so much emotional blueprints wow and no more keeping file cabinets!!! S0 many golden nuggets of profound wisdom!!!!
Brilliant, so needed this. Thank you 🙏
Every single woman on here is SO AMAZING! IMPECCABLY! I admire each and every one of you! COMPLETELY! In all seriousness...
Her voice is so soothing 🤗
I sought connection...support and help of others makes me feel more connected and I feel my best when I am able to give something to or help someone else with something. It makes life feel more meaningful - even if only temporary...
5 minutes in and I'm sharing with everyone I know
I find this conversation very interesting because so much of what she says is actually taught in nutrition school when learning how to be somebody’s health coach. And another thing is I always teach my children never to take no for an answer.
Yikes, I'm sure you'll change that now.. what I do with my clients when they say (no) , i tell them I respect their decision and to let me know should they change their minds.. Several have later. 😉
Wow, the awareness she had of trying to control her sister’s situation to make her own sphere more peaceful. That is such an amazing and powerful way she came to that and had that discussion with her sister. Really needed to hear this.
I don't think this is what she thought at first. But yes, glad she became aware. 😊😁🙏
So much the best hour I've spent all day watching and learning this. Your voice is soothing and sure and straight to listen to
This was amazing such a true fan! Your content is so spot on with the current trends in mental health awareness and empowerment! Thank you for standing in your authenticity and showing myself and others to do the same!
What an amazing episode. 👏🏽 It totally opened my eyes regarding the codependency I've been working through without knowing it. I did know I had to work on me and not on fixing everything for others. Plus, stepping back and observing the situation and checking in with myself before reacting like I used to. I'm able now to better control my emotions and involvement. Especially when I know they just want a reaction to then blame me and act like the victim and manipulate the story for retelling later and paint themselves as the victim.
Wow! Lisa your videos are so empowering! Thank you! Lots of 💕
I never let people eat or smoke in my car. If they don't respect boundaries they are not your friends. And I no longer let them in my vehicle.
Its the PEACE OUT at the end which brings the most biggest smile on my face after every episode, Lisa!!! Thanks for this one, valuable information from Terri Cole and yourself, definitely one to watch again!
Thank you for this episode! It is such a good explanation for me about boundaries!!
I enjoyed hearing Terri talk about boundaries. Please have her on again.
In summary: Although we cannot stop someone from being manipulative we can extract ourselves from their manipulativeness only inside of ourselves at first while extracting ourselves from their realm ONLY AFTER realizing that the person in front of us is being manipulative in a way at first which has nothing at all to do with us and everything to do with their manipulativeness like when they are scheming about their new kind of tricks to do on all of the people next whom they are targeting not always towards us. Not always obvious right away. Keep your eyes open about what people love to brag about most. That often gives lots of clues early on enough. Because none of us can get through life without experiencing some trauma. The difference is not letting that trauma experience convince us that we are somehow defective and so that is why we are continuing to be or were being traumatized. Only then can we find what it takes to, if at all possible, extricate ourselves from that kind of trickery filled situation to recover and thrive again. Make no mistake about it when realizing that others before you probable had it worse while going through the same and that none of it is about you.
Her voice is so calm and centered. Very soothing. And this content is game changing, wow! So happy I watched.
Great interview. I have heard the word 'boundary' for years, yet never thought how crucial it was for mental health and relationships. I've ordered the book and heading over to take the quiz. Thanks so much.
i loved every second of this,thank you
My favourite interview so far!🙌 Listen to you both so much, amazing to see you both together. Working on boundaries daily, it feels so unnatural to me but I'm seeing how beneficial it is to my wellbeing and happiness, as well as being better for others when I communicate my feelings more clearly! Thank you both some brilliant insights and love your energy together 🙏❤
This has been so enlightening. I’d love another deep dive!
Thank you both, for delivering the best chat I've seen on your channel. Terri, is a beautiful soul, and I love her humor.
This resonated with me, my father, brothers, and a few x significant others, also some male friends, all talk to me like I'm below them in the pecking order. (from preschool days)
To add, the best book for planning regular communication to continue a nurtured relationship. Titled " What your mother couldn't tell you and your father didn't know.
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I love your channel. These are things most people need to learn and to heal themselves first before trying to help someone else. Kudos to start something like this. This is very helpful to me in my personal life as I always struggle to set boundaries.
Disorganized attachment and CPTSD have caused a lot issues and angst around boundaries. I always thought I was good at them, til I learned that I generally waited til I was angry and then issued ultimatums or canceled people altogether, leaving me with months (or years TBH) of resentment afterward. Setting up expectations in relationships with the little things can really prevent a lot of these breakdowns. I love what Brianna Macwilliam said in a video once: You can have unconditional regard [love] for people, but *relationships* are conditional. This is because we all have limited time, energy, and resources. So unlike a lot of New Age thought around boundaries, expectations, and unconditional love, it is absolutely appropriate to have specific standards about how we allocate those resources in our relationships and what we need to have in return. Thais Gibson's Integrated Attachment Theory model has also been of great help.
Terri is so true. it only makes one bitter in the long run because the person sadly realises there is no one else to blame but oneself.💗🙏
Yes Mum it makes a very huge sense. Wooow........👍👍👍👍 boundaries wooow....very important in our lives
Addiction is an escape to numb the pain instead of sourcing real ways to heal from negative experiences. Unfortunately lack of support makes one take the road to addiction and sometimes there's no other way at the moment of despair.🙏
OMG I Love this channel so much. The title is 100% accurate. Soooo impactful and thank you so much for your courage and perseverance to make a change in this world. 🥺🥺 My heart feels so full. Thank you!
I have your Radical book in my Audible queue...so glad you are going on Audible!
Woooooohoooo!!! Thanks so much! Can't wait to hear what you think!
This is right on time I needed this in my life after the hell I had went through allowing other people in my past relationships control me and break all my boundaries and I feel drained it has taken a toll on my body and peace of mind
it's so true. Unconsciously one operates from corrupted old programs that do not serve us today and unless one can delete the corrupted program and undergo reprogramming we remain stuck thus consequently output (patterns of behavior)is to some extent dysfunctional.🙏
I’m in love with Teri!! So awesome to hear this whole interview!! Thank you!!
Without pausing noticing our thoughts and questioning our automatic thoughts so that we can catch our thoughts and keeping our truths in mind choose words to express ourselves in an authentic and self-respecting manner and at the same time acknowledge the other person's persepective.🙏
5:58 - Co-dependency is an overt or covert pursuit of control. 🤯
1. Physical boundaries
Sexual boundaries
2.Material boundaries
( Money,car)
3.Emotional boundaries
( Not easily guilted,
Not blaming others for our choices)
4.Mental boundaries
( Your opinion)
Porous boundaries
Healthy boundaries
Rigid boundaries ( my way or highway)
She’s amazing!! I absolutely love this episode.
Powerful & necessary conversation!
This episode is life changing! She is brilliant and delivers such dense quality content with confidence and honesty. You know she is putting in the work in her own life and how inspiring! Thank you for sharing :)
I have a problem with boundaries in saying yes to my needs and feeling guilty for no good reason, like for example I feel guilty taking a day off work when I am sick. It sucks.
Wow!!! 🤯 I heard myself telling my ex partner, “You’re not a trustworthy person!” And now realizing that I was not being trustworthy because I didn’t have good boundaries with him and was resentful towards HIM because of it! 😳😳😳
So mind blowing right?
Such an amazing episode, thank you Lisa! You ROCK!!! I purchased her book on Amazon after watching! Loved the boundary quiz online too! ✊️
I love topics about boundaries
Wow!!!! That was great and really hit home. Thank you!
Wowwwwwwww indecision really was so soothing