The Unavailable, Why We Always Choose Them
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 18 ส.ค. 2024
- Why the **** do we pick the unavailable?
Why do we do that to ourselves?
And why does it upset us so much?
It's all about two words - "limbic resonance", baby...
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[I offer personal counseling with a scheduled appointment or on an "emergency" basis.
For my help, please contact me: fennavdberg@hotmail.com]
Hello!
My name is Fenna van den Berg, I am a certified coach and counselor. I have worked in the mental health field for over 25 years.
Having been through episodes of Limerence, I have "earned my stripes" to help others with their recovery. I understand the obsession and suffering of Limerence. My passion is being able to share with you, and all limerents, a guided-way forward on your journey of healing. We do this through discovering and practicing self-love and compassion. As someone who has suffered through limerence, I have developed effective coaching for people with limerence. My Coaching has helped countless have a more purposeful life, and I want to help you. We will work together, so that you may have a life more in line with your values and integrity.
Together, we are blossoming a community of friendly people with the same debilitating feelings and experiences of Limerence. Here, we share with, support, and nurture each other in giving love to ourselves, perhaps for the first time.
When you’re ready to end your pain and suffering from seeking the "Other," I’m here to guide you in recognizing your true lovable self, with compassionate teaching, counseling and also private coaching.
For my help, please contact me: fennavdberg@hotmail.com
My editor is the best!! : Heymel Visual
Graphics: Studio Ilse van Klei ilsevanklei.nl/
That is why I can't tell myself to just "be calm when she slips in and out of contact!" Thank you, will look up the limbic system!
@@followingfenna Thank you!!
Recently my LO passed away (LO from 30 years ago) which caused my long forgotten Limerence episode. He never was married or had children and seemed to have had no partner when he passed nor any long term relationship with anyone. That reinforced my belief of why our relationship didn't work. He was not available emotionally or physically. I was constantly looking for breadcrumbs and clinging to any trivial sign of care from him. Yet his passing awoke my unfinished Limerence issue. I'm currently with a caring reliable 100% available partner and this sudden Limerence episode hurts him. Your video today absolutely explained why I have limerence and why I don't need to suffer like this. Thank you so much Fenna. I will listen to today's video on repeat :)
@@followingfenna Come to think of it, death is the ultimate unavailability that leads to total hopelessness so I think that fed my limerence tendency. Also during his illness and after his passing, I reconnected with his friends and family which meant "contact" though indirect. I'm so glad I found your channel because I can put rationality back in this seemingly irrational painful state called Limerence!
That's absolutely craaaaazy that you released this video exactly today, exactly at this moment. It's really like a message from God to comfort me. Thank you, Fenna!
TY Fenna, Only you luv us💛 I'm praying for a miracle, but maybe letting go is best. This is a difficult video, but I will think on it. Intriguing...Tks for helping us.
It is harder when your Lo is genuinely a good person and friend that wants the best for you, but cant reciprocate. 😅 I sometimes think limerence is gone but then it returns. Ugh. Now we are in two weeks no contact and I'm going to keep it for longer. There is hope for me since I want the limerence to end more than to be with her. I just want to get rid of the worrying. Lo wants me to stop worry too, and find love from someone I can be with. She is right.
@@followingfenna Yeah that seems to be the only way, hard as it is. As she doesn't have feelings, live in another country, and is a bit avoidant in her personality. Not a good combo. Still a good person though, but she can't give me what I want and need, and wish for me to find new people and dates locally. Doesn't mean she's mad or dislike me, as she has said. I need to move on emotionally as my mood is dependent on her, no matter how much of a good life I otherwise live. I am into therapy now and life is going pretty good generally, so I hope for the best.
Since Lo is still a good friend I still want to keep the friendship, just have less contact. I have some friends I contact 2 per year. Finding a gf here would be beneficial. There is someone I am interested in, I am just worried she will become the new Lo. 😅
@@followingfenna Yeah, it is important to go slow. I wrote her a short simple message a few hours ago. If she doesn't answer or answer in a certain way I will take that as a mismatch and don't invest.
Im in the same boat. My LO is also a good friend and good person and she wants the best for me. We are still in contact. Matter of fact, were going on a vacation together. The confusion and the miserable feeling is awfull, its so painfull. But im not ready yet, i also dont have many close friends either.
Yes! So true.
True 😊
Thank you for talking in such detail about limerance. I love your makeup by the way, you look gorgeous 🥰
Thank you so much, I will talk about limerence till everybody knows what it is :D 😀
I always find myself obsessed over people who are either 1000 miles away from me or have already passed away. An example would be some poets of the 19th century whose biographies and diaries I love to read. I would imagine their lives, what I would have asked them if I was there, how I would build my connection with them, and I always think that we are perfect soulmates etc etc... It is actually so depressing, because it can last for years. Obsessions like this have been happening many times in my life. I'm in one of those episodes right now, and this one hurts me so bad because the deceased person was depressed and reading about his mindset, seeing the world through his eyes makes me sad. Hopefully it will pass soon, I hate being unhealthily obsessed and limerant on other people that didn't even know I exist.
Thank you for sharing this! Have you ever had a closer look at the attachment pattern? There is a reason we choose unavailable people. Good luck to you and again thanks for sharing this usefull information
Pursuing the available is boring and doesn't provide the same level of excitement.
I swear TH-cam must be recommending me these videos based on certain words in my comments. Hit me like a brick that I keep choosing unavailable people...and everything that says about me. Yes, I had a mutual relationship, but he lived across the ocean ... and subconsciously I think I liked that distance. Honestly, F these attachment wounds. They just keep reappearing. Maybe one day I will figure it out.
Awareness creates choice, and choice gives us power, we can choose whom we date and for how long.
Thank you, Fenna @@followingfenna
Thank you Fenna. I understand why the rare searching was happening with the LO now. Something never satisfied in me.
as i have learned recently, an important aspect of the limerent object is the assumption, either realistic or not, that the object is BETTER than anyone else in our life at that time. respectively, there is an assumption that the people in our lives are BAD. this may be true and it might as well not be. in either case, adding the limerent object to our life is simply AN ADDITIONAL DIFFICULTY to our life, and that rarely, if ever, makes sense.
The unavailable with their confusing phrases drive me nuts, I'm done with mixed messages, because THEY don't know what they want.
The LO is not always distant and hard to get to, sometimes they live 4 blocks away, like to hang out with YOU and are physically there and available. It is just not ever going to turn romantic for you.
Never accept the friend zone.
@@7Earthsky I disagree, friendship is something special and can outlast sexual attraction in the long run. Looks and sexual attraction can fade even under the best circumstances. Real friendship is valuable unless it's not balanced.
Very true, but being limerent and being in a friendzone causes a lot of suffering for some people.
When you can be friends without the limerence...?🤷🏻♂️
@@danaschield5090 My opinion is that this is different for each person and each two people that are friends. Sometimes. perhaps often you can never be just friends and you must move on to new friends. Fenna says it is very rare for a LO to turn to just friends and it be good.
Honestly I have no idea what that was all about, but it sucks. Glad it's over now
I am amazed at how many weak men (AKA: Simps) there are out there. To desire a part-time, sloppy seconds relationship with another man’s wife is cringe worthy to me. Maybe it’s just me but when I have a woman in my life I want her when I want her & I want our relationship to be mutually beneficial, I don’t want to destroy another man’s family. The fact that this kind of thing happens so often makes me think society here in the USA is failing.