the autistic black and white way of thinking
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 24 ธ.ค. 2024
- welcome to my new subscribers...I've been reading all your comments in the last video and am feeling so lucky to have you all here 🥹
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I am going to have to let those tips sink in. Thank you for sharing.
1. Get out of your head and have a conversation
2. Look at it from different perspectives
3. Use a spectrum approach. Rank the situation.
4. Write down your thoughts to get clarity
5. Use the term “and”
11:50 Been there, done that too. Each situation is going to be unique, but don't fall into the trap of over accommodating and being super understanding all the time. That grace and courtesy may rarely be reciprocated back to you when you are stressed and act less than 5% as irritable as they have been. Maintain awareness at all times, and bounce when you detect double standards and lack of reciprocity.
8:20 That sounds exactly like BPD behavior. Not saying you have (or don't have) BPD. It's just that cutting people off out of fear that they leave first, is a way of gaining back control (even though perhaps there never was any loss of control in the first place).
I just subscribed to your channel. I saw you on Orien Kelly channel. Thank you for sharing your experience. This is so helpful. I am 60 and self diagnosed a year ago. My assessment is this month. I’ve struggled so long😢 channels like yours and Orien are such life saving/ changing. ThankYou!!!
The one about rules surprised me because yes omg: why have rules if they don’t apply and sometimes have to change or contemplate a new way of doing said thing 😆⭐️
I just watched the colab with Orion. So good to hear your experiences and they very much resonate with mine. Thank you for letting us all share your story, cheers 🇦🇺
9:11 There is always a time for communication. The problem is that you run into the trap of over-explaining. When the other person is not interested in hearing your reasons and only starts to see you as someone defending themselves with excuses, especially when you are neurodivergent, you need to take a step back and realize that this dynamic is not serving you. Wish them well, and walk away. Look for compatibility before investing your time, energy, and attention on other people.
Life and people are too complex to categorize as evil vs good, though i completely empathize with the logic
14:41 Your situation may vary, of course, because we are all unique, but remember this: it is not stubbornness when the other person keeps doing something that you have clearly and explicitly told them upsets you. There are many things that are not acceptable on the first pass, e.g. they blow you off without making an effort to apologize, they trivialize something you struggle with, dismiss what's important to you, they start chewing you out because they are stressed about work and anything you do sets them off, they throw back things they did for you as burdens when they volunteered or they could have said no from the start, they insult you, etc. When any of that happens, it means you are not a good fit. Walk away.
My therapist (that diagnosed me with Depression etc.) for 4 years was always telling me not to think in those absolute terms (Black and White)… well, after nearly a year of obsessive research I‘m quite sure that my anxiety/depression/OCD-tendencies are just a co-morbidity of my neurodiversity… just a thought 😒
I think you’re absolutely onto something for sure 🙌🏼
same here! my doctors always refused to diagnose me with anxiety and OCD and i would be upset, until i got an autism diagnosis and now i know why
This video fascinates me, because, while I understand B&W thinking and have done it in some areas, in your specific example of being shouted down by your friend, I would have behaved the opposite way. I used to put other people's thoughts and opinions above my own and/or not know how to overcome someone elses argument, which was due to low self esteem and self doubt. This isn't to say that I would do what someone else told me to do, but if I went against someone else's wishes or was judged, I would judge myself even harder and be unsure of how to explain my point of view.
Done a lot of work on myself recently so this is (luckily) less of a problem these days
14:30 People are not good or bad. That's adding a moral spin of right and wrong. A more pragmatic approach is to determine if you two are compatible enough to be in each other's life at this point in time.
14:19 I also instinctively use scales on a spectrum, and I give those close to me the benefit of the doubt. I am generous with chances because I would like to be extended that kindness if our situations were reversed. The problem is the following: the other person would not extend that kindness back to me if the roles were reversed; I am projecting how I would act onto them.
Vet people carefully before you befriend them deeply or establish a romantic relationship. Even when they are stressed out, have minimum parameters for what behavior you will tolerate. Obviously, whenever possible, communicate your criteria in advance, but sometimes people snap without warning because they are not handling their quarter-life crisis well, but you don't have to take the brunt of them not properly regulating their emotions around you.
Walk away, and only entertain compatible versions of people.
Wow, so I do actually know what I'm doing. Thank you for the clarity.❤
Thank you for this video! ❤️
10:09 Been there, done that. Living with close friends will reveal any hidden incompatibilities. If your communication breaks down because the other person either gets explosively angry or becomes totally withdrawn, gracefully exit stage left, and sublet or break the lease.
8:46 There are thresholds. Once someone crosses a specific line, especially when they know not to cross that line, they get cut out. You're doing better without those incompatible versions of them. It's better to be alone than in poor company. There are people who are a better fit out there, and the others can learn from their egregious behavior, apologize, and promise not to ever consider doing that crap again. So, do not tolerate unacceptable behavior.
Visualizing the 1-10 scale - 🤯!!! That is an awesome tip!
Amazing video. Thx for sharing
11:01 I have no problem being vulnerable, but the moment the other person trivializes or puts down my feelings or tells me to do things their way knowing full well that their way does not work for me and never will, I have learned to check out of that ASAP.
I can relate to you a lot. My special interest has always been music and have a particular obsession with the fender strat. I only just recently got diagnosed with AuDHD so although I was a bit surprised, it actually explains why I’ve been walking around like Edward sciccorhands my whole life 😂 thank u for the great content!
O my, yes driving can drive me up the wall at times with people not following the rules. One thing that really bothers me is when my husband won't put on his seatbelt. Another is when other drivers just invent another lane for themself to b in to make a left turn where there is not 2 lanes
1:53 Same, the meltdowns would happen at home. School was not a safe space to verbalize what I really felt.
8:22 Ohhh, no. Here, we differ. My natural response is fight, if it angered me, or freeze, if it blindsided me. Regardless, I catch myself fast enough and opt to either calm down and talk things over to understand what's going on or walk away. If I let my anger express itself, it will be all-consuming, and it is meant to scorch the earth to a crisp and burn all the bridges. I am not available for the exhaustion of dealing with the aftermath of my pure unfiltered rage. Growing up, that's not a well-tolerated response in public settings, and if I process my anger on my own time, there's still a chance that I can work things out with the other person in case of an honest miscommunication. If I froze, it will take me a little bit to process what the fuck just happened. That being said, I am talking normally and all, but internally, I am shaken.
People never recover reputation in my mind. You wrong me once? I don’t forget or forgive. I simply can’t let go. I have been trying to change, but it is so hard for me to understand. How can someone claim to be my friend but then mistreat me?
I understand exactly what you’re saying!!
Depends on what you mean by "wrong"
If someone goofed, I'll look right past that, without considering myself to have been "wronged." However, any act of malice ... knowing & deliberate intent to injure, exploit or undermine, or with callous disregard thereto ... That's Different. A bona fide breach of trust is a 1-way ticket to perdition, and they're held to understand and accept that. That's my approach.
🎼TD, Boston, MA USA
@@elenacarr0llDo you do yoga?
I wonder if this works the other way too. I feel like I’ve had various instances of someone close doing something that hurts me, but because they’re close to me I can’t comprehend that they would hurt me so I look past it too easily, even if it is hurting me and hurts for a long time, maybe partly because they’re still around. Oh the joys of autism /s
@@saskiaegeland-jensen8152 Sounds like a case of Cognitive Dissonance. I suffer from the same affliction. I mean, just because You or I may be a Friend of sorts to someone, that doesn't necessarily make them a Friend of ours. And sometimes, they'll make sure we know that. And if in so doing, they should happen to unknowingly inflict some manner of serious injury upon themselves, I'll make sure they know that. Some lessons need to be delivered in a clear, firm manner. Spoon-fed, if You will ... a bitter, caustic dose of well-earned medicine. The kind that should repeat on 'em for a while.
Thank you so much for sharing this! I wasn't even aware of how badly this type of thinking actually affects my life and my decisions.. Well, I've always had some awareness that I might have a tiny bit rigid thinking in some certain situations, but I've also always felt like it's their fault/reason.. Like when I banned an entire restaurant chain because one place gave me cinnamon in my coffee latte.. 👀🙈 But in my defence, cinnamon belongs in cappuccino, not latte and I won't support people in the food business that doesn't know the difference between shit, what's the next mistake they'll make? The consequences can be quite big and I don't need that unstabillity in my life.. I've always felt like that action was justified and now I'm left with so many thoughts and doubts about everything.. I don't know if I'm autistic, like, I'm only figuring things out and haven't seen my doctor about it yet, but I suspect that I'm Audhd..
first part, no; second part, yes. I am harder on myself than i am on others for the simple fact that if i am not i will most likely not have any improvement and when there is no improvement then often that is the path to extinction and i do not like extinction. Typically, having conversations for me is a problem, no matter the adaptions i have implemented or the mannerisms i have attempted to emulate, rarely has it ever ended well and as of yet it has not yielded consistent results and i know not why this is the case. From descriptions from you and a few others it is almost beyond a doubt that i am autistic with adhd but i do not feel the anxiety, or oversensitivities.
Note to NT Friend of ND Person: If you goof, or otherwise detect a an irritation, address it with your Friend.
Note to ND Friend of NT Person: Same as above.
Note to Everyone; Same as above.
🎼TD, Boston, MA USA
So it is just catastrophizing because you can’t guess neurotypic expectations? And then you overattach to links you made once you’ve succeeded in meeting expectations? Deficits in social cognition plus repetitive and restrictive behaviours, I understand. Your solutions are quite comprehensive.
Saw you on Orions video. Thank you. I feel much like you in some ways. Im 69yoa, undiagnosed. its rough.
Was borderline personality disorder ever suggested. Apparently has black & white thinking & intense, volatile relationships.
Mind openning charming beauty 🥰
Who's your favorite band?!
The Home Team!
Bingo !!! B&W 💔🥲😫