Everything you describe about yourself growing up resonates so much for me. I didn’t have meltdowns, because I was scared of my dad’s temper, but instead closed myself up in my room and wrote poems about dying. And even as a little kid (Kindergarten), I remember feeling like an observer instead of a participant in my own life. I didn’t understand kids’ behavior and would sadly long to be older, assuming that all my peers would become more civilized and easier to communicate with due to age alone. It took me a long while to consider emulating others to fit in (so I was an easy target for teasing and must have seemed like an alien intruder). Once I finally did, I started having more social and professional success - but masking became draining and actually just alienated me more. Your social strategy as a kid was more like my sister’s and my daughter’s. They are both very bright and pragmatic - and they learned how to fit in, for both better and worse, by masking or otherwise going along with certain social norms. My daughter went through a screaming period like you describe. When it started (around age 2-3), I at first had no idea how to deal with it. After all, I was actually triggered by it and would get angry and overwhelmed. Thank goodness I read some fantastic advice from an autism expert and psychologist, who stated that “the kids who need love the most ask for it in the least effective way possible.” After I read that, I completely reversed my approach, using love and comfort instead of discipline to respond. My daughter’s behavior immediately started to improve. I imagine your mom must love you tremendously to get you through that time with your mutual relationship intact. My own daughter, who is almost 14, has tried to apologize to me a few times for her meltdowns - but I just told her I knew she was going through a hard time and that I didn’t take it personally. I could not love her more than I already do. Anyway, great video - very brave of you to reveal these honest self-reflections. ❤
in a way this is really comforting for me to hear. For so long I thought I couldn't possibly be autistic because everything I heard about it mentioned meltdowns being integral to the disorder. I think my lack of meltdowns was due to a similar experience as yours, expect, mine was in avoidance of my mum's reactions. I remember thinking about suicide at, what i would now consider to be too young to be seen as a normal occurrence. I too also struggled to relate to my peers, I found it so much easier to speak to the adults in my life than those my own age growing up & i could never understand why. The adults in my life always just said things like "she's very mature for her age" or "she's an old soul" when now I know I was just masking and using behviours I'd seen adults exhibiting, and talking like how the characters in my books talked.. anyway, if you were feeling the same way at all, I figured hearing a similar experience would comfort you too!
Oh my god, yes - it’s very affirming to hear others describe a similar experience. Yes, all my mom’s comments about being an “old soul” and “precocious” said with such pride made me adopt being smarter and supposedly more mature than my peers as a self-identity (and how could I not embrace that, when my mom was one of the few people saying positive things about me?). So I studied human behavior by watching TV shows and reading books, and listening to adult conversations, trying to be perfectly moral, knowledgeable, and articulate. I became a really good expository writer. I didn’t have many true emotional interactions in which to develop a sense of friendship or self-expression, and in the meantime my mom was just as lonely and alienated as me - so I became her confidante. She poured all her frustrations, fears and jealousies onto me while being incapable of tolerating any strong emotions from me. I started hollowing out as a person. Lost track of my own feelings. I became a human sounding board. I don’t believe my mom knew this was emotional abuse, and to this day she’s in the dark about why I suddenly pulled away from her in my 20’s. But I couldn’t shake the false identity at that point and as a result have struggled to maintain friendships and to continue advancing at work. I think I’m saying all this to help folks understand that allowing kids to express themselves and struggle their way through their own peer relationships has got to be a better way. You may wind up with some regrets, but you come out the other side a much truer version of yourself. That is such a gift. I wish my parents had had the emotional maturity to tolerate that.
Thank you for sharing how you would meltdown in private for fear of consequences. I, too, felt that I had to hide my meltdowns. The first time I shared some of my internal experiences, I was given a spinal tap because they thought I was on drugs. I wasn't on drugs. I was 13. I didn't even know how to get drugs. And so I would curl up in fetal position in my room, cry, beat my head, and scream quietly ... wishing I would just finally be dead.
@@kristinekarlson113 my mum was similar with the emotional neglect/ abuse, could never handle my emotions but I'm definitely a sounding board for hers, even now in some ways! I remember bawling my eyes out for hours in private but having to be in my "shell/ bubble" with everyone else because they didn't want to deal with me. My mum has started to read into some of this recently though and she's been trying to make a change. The other week she snapped at me for a minor mistake and was doing her usual silent treatment, about an hour later she came to see me and did something I never expected. She apologised, admitted she was in the wrong and took accountability for the emotional turmoil she put me through. I burst into tears when she left. It was like I was taken back to childhood and wishing I understood what I did to cause so much upset and it was the most validating thing! Anyways, just thought I'd share that, I'll remember that moment for the rest of my life! It's never too late for parents to try and make up for poor parenting (especially like with my mum who didn't have a great role model for motherhood!)
A highly intelligent girl with a shopping list of mental health diagnoses eg. anxiety, depression, OCD, BPD, C-PTSD etc. almost ALWAYS will have undiagnosed autism and/or ADHD
I have been so comforted by your videos. I was just diagnosed with Autism and ADHD at the age of 37 and when I tell people that, I typically get the “but you don’t seem autistic” response◡̈ Then when I try to explain some autistic trait of mine, they tend to say, “Well, I’m like that - everyone’s like that.” It can leave me feeling pretty misunderstood, so it’s so comforting to see someone like you that truly understands what it feels like to be autistic without “looking” like it to the world.
I am sorry you feel misunderstood. I am not on the spectrum and have been learning a lot about this world through Elena and her videos. I think the behaviours from the trauma which autistic poeple feel is relatable to other people, rather than the base characteristics which cause problems for people on the spectrum in the first place. Please correct me if I have that wrong of course. I definetely can relate to a lot of things Elena has shared, and some things that other people have shared, but then again I never had to 'mask' my identity, or loose my identity from masking for too long. That seems to be a good benchmark for helping people to BEGIN to understand the differences. For what it is worth, I think us normatives being able to relate to some things is the first step in getting a broader understanding, even if we don't realize the extent of autism off the bat. When people have something to anchor them, it is easier to build up the knowledge on a subject, if that makes sense.
@@jfregoe You are welcome. I really do think getting people to understand will be easier than it seems - it is just a matter of finding the right way to connect with people and apply it to the wider community :)
Thank you so much for sharing this comment with me 🥺 please just know that you're not alone in your feelings of difference...there's someone out there in the world feeling the same as you!!
The part about you suspecting yourself as a narcissist really struck me. I've been recently diagnosed with autism too and many years ago I couldn't get the idea out of my head that I was some kind of self-aware narcissist or psychopath? Nobody could convince me otherwise. I wonder if this kind of thing is common with some autism sufferers?
I was born in 1952, and I was told I was different from the beginning. My mother said I was "born adult". I was terrible at masking, I've been fired from more jobs than not, despite constantly being told I was an excellent performer at the work. I have a moderately high IQ, and I cried after school almost every day, because I was treated so cruelly. I know I have autism, but two psychiatrists have told me I have too much empathy to have autism. Now, when I hear of the characteristics of autism, I recognize myself. I don't know if it is worth the struggle it would be to get diagnosed. But I have lived a "double life", just as you have.
I brought up with my mum that I had been researching the possibility that I might be autistic and she looked at me like I was a gullible idiot and scoffed “you definitely don’t have autism”. She then proceeded to list outdated reasons for why I can’t be autistic (theory of mind, lying, empathy), which was sad to hear given that she works in the psychology field
Aged 70, I've just realised I am on the spectrum. Joy and relief. Life is already feeling different, though nothing but this has changed. Thanks Elena.
Aged 63, ive just been diagnosed with ADHD & Autism, this in the middle or a serious mental health crisis, currently suffering with crippling Anxiety & Depression and on a high dose of antidepressants, which have changed me, people say im not the same man. But i wonder if the depression is a symptom of either my Autism or ADHD, or both. Im really struggling to cope with life right now. Im married to a Thai lady who lives at our house in Thailand, whilst i live with my elderly sick mum as her primary carer. Ive not seen my wife in person since july 2023, over a year. Ive been scammed 4 times in the last year, cos of my gullibility and impulsiveness. Heading towards old age, i am so scared for my future.
I didn't get diagnosed with autism, adhd, dyslexia and ocd until I was 20 but I realised when I was about 15. No one ever even thought I was autistic/adhd/etc because I acted "normal" and looked "normal". I think I started considering that I could maybe be autistic/adhd/etc because I get really bad noise overloads/panic attacks, struggled with getting school work done on time, and I just always felt like something was different about me. I think I seemed more "normal" than most people with autism/adhd/etc because I'm really good at masking/acting that I even convinced myself that I was "normal" o3o
I appreciate that you mention the loneliness of being autistic, especially when you don't even know that is why you feel like such an alien on this planet and in this life. That emptiness is what finally got to me so much that I couldn't hide it anymore. Sadly, I graduated high school a year before Asperger's Syndrome was even diagnosed in this country. Hence, came the slew of misdiagnoses and treatments, none of which worked. Thank you for sharing this deeply personal truth of being autistic. ❤
I have never had a diagnosis and probably never will being a woman and not having the more obvious traits. I'm now 58. Your story of growing up is very similar to my experience. Now I openly let people know. This has been a big step for me and less exhausting.
Oh my goodness! I had the same experience of feeling more grown as a child than now. I have felt a lack of honest interaction throughout life and it was a very depressing dance.
I too was very determined to walk as a baby. My mom later told me I was a not a good baby compared to my brother who came two years later and who was quiet and no bother. She said I would grab the sides of my baby buggy and jump up and down when I guess she wanted me to just sit still. Then I walked at 7 months and as soon as I could I was running and being yelled at to stop running. One of my happiest days was when I got my first roller skates. I was about 5, and for hours I would skate back and forth, back and forth from the big tree at the edge of our yard on the side walk to the Busey’s driveway and back for hours. When I was 7 I was skating the Congo with the big kids at the local roller rink. I couldn’t figure out why other kids had friends and I didn’t. At age eight I started reading psychology books. I was good at dancing, music and art, so I stayed very busy doing those things. As an adult I became an art teacher, got my Masters Degree at OU in rehab counseling, always wondering why I didn’t fit in. Only after I retired and had been suffering from debilitating anxiety was I diagnosed with autism. I was relieved.
i had the same kind of determination as a toddler, not with walking though. My parents told me that I decided all by myself that I was quitting using a dummy/ pacifier. I collected them all up and threw them all in the bin, told my dad I was a big girl now and that was the day I stopped using them. I had a brief moment that same night where I asked for one but my dad reminded me that I'd thrown them away and I just said "oh, okay" and then i didn't use them at all after.... I have bitten my nails ever since then though so I think I just substituted a soothing behaviour for another :D
Oh my goodness! As someone recently diagnosed (like 2 weeks ago) this resonates with me. I'd loved those dummies so much. When I was about four, I just decided that I was done with them, ready to be older now, and sent them away. I have picked my nails for years, and only recently, when I started crocheting, have I been able to stop picking at them.
Im 15, im finally starting to talk to people about my suspected autism, but some family members havent reacted very positively, while others are so supportive. Im worried to talk to anyone else at this point, but my mom is looking into a diagnosis assessment. Thanks for the video, i related SO much ❤
hang in there, you've got this! I've had a lot of people doubt me and tell me I'm a hyperchondriac when I first started talking about my suspitions of autism, and I'm 24. You'd think as an adult people would accept that I probably know myself really well by now :D I'm glad your mum's supporting you through this though! Wishing you all the luck on this journey
I hope you get the support you need.. I have a daughter who was diagnosed at age 7 it took years!! Now I see traits in one of my twin girls she is 4 and I will seek support for her as well. Honestly I believe I am autistic as well. I havent had a diagnosis but I might so they don't feel so alone. Much ❤
Exactly because if you were different than more traditional view of autistic people, they just thought you are different and weird but thought nothing of it. I'm starting to think that me and my siblings were autistics. Because my sister were the polar opposite of my brother and I, they didn't noticed or helped. Or maybe they were to absorbed or overwhelmed by my sister "tantrums" they didn't or couldn't see it. To make itbworse my parents were very unstable because they probably were autistics too and anythat looked anything like their limitations or issues they refused to see it or act on it.
This whole video resonated with me so much I started crying. The anxiety, the ocd, being extremely well behaved at school and having meltdowns at home. At the age of seven I had my first existential crisis and even though I presented like a normal kid on the outside, my inner world was full of fears and anxiety. I’m so hyper aware of everything and I get so self conscious about taking up space. What you said about being labeled as shy but really just being terrified of the world hit the mark for me. I’ve never been diagnosed but im worried to go because I feel like I’m just overreacting.
Thank you for sharing your story. I resonated with so much of it. I was an 80's child in the UK. I'm only realised now that I'm autistic. I always assumed everyone else had the same experience as me and found it incredibly difficult to understand why nobody was helping me, why nobody could understand that loud noise what stressful and overwhelming. I just believed that there was something wrong with my character for not being able to cope. I often don't understand how anyone finds any joy in life. Relationships are difficult, people talk too much nonsense, all the noise all at venues... now I have started treating each symptom and putting things in place for myself, things are getting easier. My friends are understanding and work is very supportive. So hopefully life is worth living 🤞 look forward to hearing more about your experiences and I'm glad you're feeling like you finally have answers ❤
Listen to me when I say, THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU, NOT ONE THING!! You have felt so sad because this world wasn't designed for your brain. I understand every emotion you have shared. Keep fighting for happiness, I know one day very very soon it'll wash over you 💜
Fuck! I just realised I have been like this since childhood, I have always been misdiagnosed, with either it’s extreme anxiety or bipolar. I even have an eating disorder, but I think it has more to do with Autism. This made me cry so much, this is how I feel every day. It's tough to be different.
I heavily heavily resonate with how you grew up. I always felt like people did not see things the same way I did. I was highly empathic and aware of how people affect people. I was constantly observing and in awe of how people worked. I was always good and obedient, but after some time I started becoming terrible when arriving from school. I hated that I would scream. I hated that I would become mute. I didn't know how to be the nice girl I was at school in those moments. I hated the thought of hurting those around me. I was always perceived as "intelligent," but somehow, I would always be the slowest one in my classes. I always felt like I was trying hard to catch up to everyone. Even with my current job... I get so tired after coming baxk that I just sleep until the next day. There's so much more that I resonate with! I have only been diagnosed with Avoidant personality disorder, but it never felt like a full answer to me. I would have even felt way more closure with a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder when it comes to how I handle relationships. Even though I crossed all of the symptoms in my eyes for bpd, my therapist asked if I ever considered autism (which I have never). I took an assessment, and I didn't get a high enough mark to be considered (probably because it was given audibly). The more I think about it now, the more I have realized I have probably been masking all this time. I truly don't know or understand who I am or what I am doing. I feel so authenticly inauthentic.
If you relate to autism then go with that. Do your research into it more, but please please know that one day you’ll get answers. You sound so in tune with yourself and your place in the world. I know how you feel 💜
@elenacarr0ll Thank you so much for your encouraging response! I am trying to do a lot of research, and I align with it the more my research elevates. I think I may have both autism and adhd, but I will do a tons more research and notate because I will need that reassurance to not feel crazy. I am digging up some old family videos and looking through them (I was selectively mute). Like yourself, I feel like I think about myself so much for answers to the point where I have often asked myself if I was narcissist, too, haha. I will get back to this comment and let you know when I receive the full closure! 🤍 Again, thank you so much for your comment because I feel like the world has not made this journey easy... my own contradictory brain definitely has not either, so I will remember your words to keep trying
hello Elena, I am from the Netherlands and I am 64 years young.... I just recenrly discoverd that I am on the spectrum. I am not diagnosed yet. But here in our country the thing is, if you can survive, feed yourself, cloth yourself etc. you won't get support due to the waitinglists for proffesionals. But I feel so lonely in myself. I don't really feel connection to others..Because of....For example my sence of humor, creativitie, musical emotions and so on.... but now I untherstand myself better. I recognize my meltdowns and the "why" is clearer for me .My overcompensation etc. is clearer to me. So yeah, I am a missfit. Still I am loved by my husband, and dog and God. Blessings!
"I don't know if I was shy... I think I was shit scared of the world...". Wow I relate to this. Every thought, every word, every look, every movement was like a heavily and carefully choreographed dance for me. Even now, some of the only "habits' I have are mentally rehearsing and scripting every facial expression, look, word, sentence I do or say. Then I melt down and feel overwhelming shame and humiliation and exhaustion.
Thank you for sharing your story , pain and incredible frustration with us who are still undiagnosed.t and struggling . You are fortunate to have received your much needed diagnosis, I am happy for you. I am not as fortunate. I am 72 yrs old. What knowledge that I do have is from my persistent search for understanding, I thank God for the internet.. My research has uncovered the nameless monster that was lurking under my bed. I spent many decades believing that I was defective, broken, unloved and could never fit in with anyone. Friends were a scarcity and none were trustworthy. My mom, Grandpa and eldest brother all believed that I was mentally challenged , although the words used to describe me were not so kind.. No small wonder that I was so... Doggedly driven to learn the truth about myself! Learning that I am an Aspie is a great comfort to me, freeing and validating. no longer fear nor believe that I am defective. It would be nice to have a diagnosis though , just to shut the mouths of and critics.
I was also born in the 90s. Looking back now, I genuinely believe I had these difficulties. As I entered 2nd or 3rd grade teacher labeled me as "shy" "quiet" & had learning disabilities. One teacher even said I had a underreaction to my environment.
All I've been watching is experiences of late-diagnosed autistic women because for the first time in my entire life I feel understood. Autism and/or ADHD is something I never considered myself possible having. I've been diagnosed with CPTSD, Bipolar, BPD, OCD, depression, generalized anxiety. I've always thought the same thing you said, it just doesn't tell the full picture of what is going on inside. I struggle so immensely internally, every single day since as long as I can remember. I am extremely high masking. I have always done well in anything I've done in life, or so it appeared externally, that no one ever believed how badly I was struggling on the inside. I am seeking getting tested for ADHD and Autism. I have always been interested in psychology and how people work because A. I don't understand people and I wan to, and B. I always wanted to understand what was "wrong" with me. I just thank you and all of the other women for putting out this content. I feel truly understood, and most of all, more compassionate towards myself for my struggles. Not being so hard on myself and trying (trying because I'm still not very good at this yet) to give myself the accommodations I need. Thank you. ❤❤
YES!!!!! I wanted to walk and learned to walk quickly. My speech on the other hand was significantly delayed. Now I speak fine, but this has prevented me from becoming bilingual in a complex language household (for context: my parents speak different dialects of Chinese to each other, which has caused a lot to be lost in translation, so they had communication issues and therefore argued often, and it could get violent).
"Poor behaviour" There is a Canadian phyisician by the name of Gabor Mate I think you might find interesting on TH-cam. His revelation that he shares is that humans (or really any creatures on Earth) are, and can ONLY be, products of their environment. He says there is no "good" or "bad" behaviour, but just "behaviour" in what we need to do within the environment around us. This philosophy will go into genetic traits as well, but with your outbursts they are a natural human reaction to the environment you were in (going from high stress outside the home, to a place where you were loved). If it did feel like you were 'finally being heard', telling your mom that (which I am sure you just did with this video) should give some closure to that regret in your life. That leads me to a a couple of philosophical questions, and I am currious of the perspectives of any other person on the spectrum who might like to share as well :) -From my understanding so far in watching your videos, I assume many autistic traits (such as masking) are responses to trauma. How would you raise an autistic child differently to minimize bad experiences? -Along the same lines, I am currious what neurotypicals could do better, or even make it so you don't need to feel the need to mask, etc? Or another way to put it: What was your fantasy of an ideal world when you grew up (or even presently) where you felt happy and accepted? On a happy note, HAPPY BIRTHDAY! :) Saying "I hope you have a great party" might be somewhat backhanded to a person on the spectrum, but at least I hope you have a wonderful birthday cake! lol
Thanks for your message and input ☺️ as far as the answers to your questions- - I think the biggest thing I've learnt is autistic people are much more visual learners. I believe a lot of autistic children's bad days could be expelled through the use of pictures, storytelling, that type of thing. Certainly in my case. -Secondly, having an awareness to different brains can make us feel so seen. Our experience is often minimised when people say things like, "we're all a bit autistic..." If anything, asking questions, like you have done, goes a long way for us ☺️ thank-you
Gabor Mate is a quack. He lost all credibility when he sold tickets for people to watch a therapy session between himself and Prince Harry. There (having met Harry for the hour) diagnosed him with several things. Oh and the kicker. Each expensive ticket came with copy of one of Harry's books. (The seesion was a ploy to boost book sales.) All very unethical and shady.
@@timtreefrog9646 Thanks for bringing it up. I did not know he did that. However looking into it further, it looks like the monetization was either pushed on him, or even snuck past him, and he regrets it.
@@Taoscape yes. He mightn't have known that PH was doing something for a cash grab for sure. But to diagnose him during a short interview (in front of thousands) and broadcast that gives me the ick. In addition, the fact that PH advertised the virtues of illegal substances during the interview. They were glamorised. There was no disclaimer from GM to the audience at the end or during "drugs won't help to take your problems away" etc etc. How can you diagnose someone who is telling you they actively take various illegal substances? Wouldn't that cloud the mind and distorts thinking? GM made a mockery of the medical profession that interview. He might say he regrets it. But he said and did those things outside of the code of medical ethics. No one forced him to say or omit specific things.
@@timtreefrog9646 Yeah I find it bizarre as well, and didn't realize he did that of course. However his main message as I mentioned above is still relevant, despite his misstep. I find it a good compliment to Robert Sapolsky's work.
I have a memory from around a year old where I said to myself "I'm never going to learn to walk" and I remember it being said after watching a family member walking up a stair. Your story reminded me of my memory lol. I had a lot of trauma very early on as well.
I so resonate with so much you've shared. Especially feeling I had a broken brain. I questioned every possible dx snd as you did, even autism took awhile to settle into and understand.(audhd and pda made it harder to understand) I'm glad you finally feel more comfortable in your skin. It's harder to unmask when you're nearly 60. Thx for sharing 😊
Your story reminds me of mine, esp when I was growing up in my elementary school days. I was diagnosed with a learning disorder (dyslexia) & I just didn’t fit quite in with the other kids. I had friends but there was a disconnect with others. I just thought it was due to cultural differences & things like that, I just didn’t fit in anywhere but now in my late 40s & having neurodivergent kids, I think I need to get evaluated for Asperger‘s (ASD). Thank you for sharing your story & making your videos. Very helpful to so many!
I’m diagnosed with autism at 50 years old I’m feeling my whole life different from other people always struggles with working and other things I have always hated it by the way you are a lovely young woman!
Thank you for sharing these stories and experiences. I relate a lot to your experiences growing up. I remember being 4 years old the first time i thought about ending my life and always pictured myself dying at 16 because I couldn’t imagine living that long.
I'm 60 years old, and was just formally diagnosed 4 months ago. So many missing pieces of understanding myself and my life have fallen into place! While I am happy to finally know, I am grieving all the lost years, opportunities, and relationships. If I could have known a long time ago, maybe I wouldn't have struggled so desperately in my life, if I could have gotten the accomodations I needed to thrive.
@christinelamb1167 Absolutely ❣️ the replay of every single day ... over 19,000 of them Is exhausting and painful Yes I have counted It's what I do and always have and now I no longer feel guilty about it 🫂
@@GeeGee0071 Yes, for me that has been one of the blessings of finally being diagnosed. I finally don't feel defective, or like a horrible person. My mind just works differently than the "norm", and that's ok!
I’m so glad I found your videos, I’ve been struggling with the exact same things you have. I too had a double life where I was this serious perfect student who listened and did everything right, but at home I would become extremely angry and lash out at those I loved not because I wanted to hurt them but because I felt so alone and unheard. I wanted their attention because I never got it in school or with my friends. I’m 22 and just a few days ago I’ve started to suspect I may be autistic after watching a few videos and doing a lot of research where they were saying things that immediately resonated with my life. But i tried to discuss this with my family and they weren’t as receptive and it felt like they were completely dismissing how I felt and my worries and anxiety.
Thanks for your vulnerability Elena. I identified with so much of it. We, as women, have been left to struggle through life on our own for too long. I've suffered from anxiety & depression (as has my mum) nearly all my life & have continually been told by counsellors, doctors & psychs, that I don't want to be put into a box or labelled. After running a mental health wellness clinic for 5 years & numerous conversations with therapists, I self-diagnosed with ADHD late last year & was professionally diagnosed several weeks ago. After not being believed, I got in to see a different doctor than my regular one, by "chance". She called me back for a longer visit & after a conversation, she agreed with me and said I also think you have Autism. It turns out she is autistic also and I guess she recognised some of the things I was talking about. Now at almost 64, I'm waiting on an ASD assessment in a few weeks & I feel a bit like I'm treading water. I felt so relieved to have a formal diagnosis of ADHD, but feel like I'm on standby, waiting for this before I start any treatment. I'm feeding off of You Tube videos atm & trying to learn as much as I can about both. It also makes sense of my children's behaviour, especially my son. I've always known that there is something different about him since he was a baby. Even though he's male, I see a lot of his behaviours in what you described. My daughter also, was very strong & independent. She was walking at 9months & running & climbing at 10 months.... When you said that you felt older when you were younger, I so identify! I felt so grown up when I was young. Now, not so much. I wish I had known all of this stuff when I was younger. My life would have been so different, although, I guess I wouldn't be the person I am now. I'm also feeling like, "where to from here?" Sorry for the epic reply. You just triggered a lot of things. You remind me a lot of myself when I was young. Bless you for being courageous & putting it out there. 💜
Thank you so much for sharing your story, this is how I felt through my childhood and teenage years and what you talk about resonates with me. I started sharing my story recently and it's amazing to find more people who want to open up and be vulnerable in order to help people who feel lost and scared.
That sounds like it must’ve been extraordinarily difficult childhood and adolescence. I think you’re doing a great service by sharing your story with others in order to help make it less likely that other children will have the same experience.
Thank you for being brave enough to upload this video. I know exactly what your saying because I have it to. Just know your not alone, and understand that there is nothing wrong with who you are. Ive accepted this and have been healing just as you have. God bless you.
Hi chickadee!! Proud of you and I'm 43, got some incorrect diagnoses but now realising and getting reassessed for AUDHD xxx God bless you, now be free to be you!!!❤❤❤
@elenacarr0ll aaawww thanks and you are one smart lady, so sorry it took so long, what a relief for you now! Do self care as much as you can xx you got great things coming your way in life xx
I recently made a video on how I have been feeling leading up to my initial evaluation which is in 2 days. It is on my channel. Thanks for sharing this. It helps to not feel alone in the journey.
thank you so much. i've been diagnosed with adhd and cptsd and have been toying with the idea that i might also be autistic. this video i really resonate with and i wanna get tested for autism. thank you for sharing your story! i related to every thing you said and have questioned the same things
Relating to this so hard, and I was born in the 60s, and I've only just realised, like within the last 6 months. Of wondering when I was young if everyone else got a manual to life - and I somehow didn't? The 'examine my brain (etc) when I die' from before I started school until as late as last night, only I won't be around to hear the answers, if there are any. Never thought I'd reach 40. The perpetual observer of my own life, difficult to make friends, the lack of honest interaction in life, and to this day I don't like kids and I don't understand them at all. I felt older than the so called adults in my life and detested the baby talk, being called a child or worse 'schoolgirl', nails on a chalkboard. Who are you calling a child?? I hated school. I love learning and I was good at it, but forever being told what to do, to stop and go out and play, the other children, and the bullying... I was the bleeding heart who learned never to cry. I was called shy and anxious, but I I didn't feel it. I was quiet to avoid catching the eyes of bullies. But I am clearly a serious overthinker, trying to understand and make sense of the world around me. But children had no say and if you acted up you were severely punished, and already an outsider I was terrified of being discarded, just waiting to grow up and be an adult and be my own person... Somewhere where people were less loud and less crude... I've never seen a therapist coz like *where do I start?* what is connected with what? No one who hasn't lived and expereinced as crazy life could possibly understand and relate. In my 40s I briefly studied councelling, maybe to understand? I didn't find it very relatable. And I'm still looking for my place in life and the scale of things. Thank you for the video. This was the first one of yours I''ve seen, so keep them coming. Much love
Thanks for sharing, it must've taken some courage! I wish I could go back in time and give a hug/whatever would be comforting to you coz it was so rough🥺🫂 So glad you're feeling better now🥰 Sharing all this experience will be very helpful for others, so props to you for doing that!💚
I’m a 63 year old individual who has never known what was wrong with me. Never seemed to fit in….like an alien. When I was going to school there was no such thing as autism. In fact autism wasn’t even a diagnosis until the 80s & then it was only non-verbal headbangers who were being diagnosed. To this day I don’t know what’s wrong with me. It’s incredibly difficult to find someone in the state that does late (very late) adult autism diagnosis. So many hurdles. I finally have my ADOS2 assessment appointment in august. When you talked about your mom crying & apologizing at your diagnosis I just burst into tears. My mom is 84 now & she has suffered right along with me. Didn’t know what to do with a child like me who would scream & cry & act out. She was baffled. She still is. She has no clue why I’m seeking my assessment. In her mind it’s a waste of time. Someday if I ever do get a formal diagnosis I might put my story out there to help people of my generation. If you have made it this far thank you for listening 💫🕊️
It's really amazing to hear what you shared. I have always been wondering if I might be on the spectrum myself. I'd love to know more about how discovering that you are on the spectrum has helped you gain better control of your life over the last three months at age 27.
I think I am autisic, born right at the start of the 90's I am now 33 years old. My masking must have been stubbornly strong too, I realized early on that I was different to my siblings and parents, but also every other kid I met. I was often told my behavours were weird and to stop doing them, and so I eventually did... well most of them I just stopped doing when other people were around, but even then I'd still get caught and be told off, usually by my siblings. I was always the odd one out with my siblings too, it went beyond me just being the youngest, as I was avoided or ignored a lot of the time. They didn't want me around, when all I wanted desperately was to hang out with my cool older siblings. My sister who shared a room with me and was the closest in age to me was the worse of them. Our relationship was totally confrontational and negative, because she pushed it to be that way☹. I got a lot of the negative comments about myself from her... Its only in the last few years I have realized how hard I mask around people, especially out in public. At my current work I was masking heavily, so much more than I ever have before. Forcing myself to smile lots and chit-chat with everyone was exhausting, plus the 8 hour days didn't help either. I think I had two meltdowns at work (at different times) but I just suddenly burst into tears and couldn't stop crying. I couldn't understand why it was even happening, but now I am sure it was just a result of loads of stress from masking and other stressers in the work place, working with others. Which I am not good at, at all😶. I have reduced my masking, allowling myself to just smile and use an upbeat tone when dealing with customers and the occasional chat with coworkers that happens regardless. I informed my manager of my thought that I may be autisic and she seemed not at all surprised by the idea, weary, maybe because I don't have an official diagnosis, but she has been super supportive😊 I have been incredibly blessed. Now I just need to get officially diagnosed and I think I can start to finally heal and learn to be myself again. Because it does feel somedays that I don't know who I am😅
Yeah, I'm late diagnosed at 34 years old... and I sign my all at every word of yours. Scared as fuck dying inside while pretending for other’s sake that I'm the same normal as others and totally loosing it at home. Only for a few months I find myself being honestly laughing or having some genuine interactions with other aspies. In the 90th, it was harsh, and I was raised to be SMART AND EARN for my parents. To prove that I'm worthy investment. That's like literal input to me from maman, I need to prove the right to be called her daughter. So yeah, I was aspie raised by narcissist. Yey for surviving. So my diagnosis is autism spectrum disorder & PTSD because why the hell not 😂😅 and it's a relief and so much freedom to know that yes, I played this game on a survival mode for all this time, so it's fine to lose it sometimes
Thanks for sharing. I'm waiting to be assessed, at the age of 46. I always had questions about the way I perceived the world and felt at odds with the world. My mother had to deal with me and my quirks and took me to be assessed (late 80s). I was a quiet child so I don't suppose they got much out of me, apart from what they could observe and how I responded to the activity based tests. Anyway, now that I have a few more years of life experience as an undiagnosed autistic person (+ now even a trained counsellor), eventually I met other undiagnosed folks and the light flicked. This is it! My presentation of autism is different from yours tho, but I kept listening because I have an older sister who is struggling with I don't know what. Her son is autistic. I now suspect our mum might be autistic. And I only recently started wondering if said sister couldn't be a determining-ly masking autistic woman (boss!) with no idea that she could be the same as her quiet mother, sister and son. The authenticity thing.
Elucidative. You had supportive parents. I got diagnosed in time with 14 after beating someone up only and yet nobody cared to explain my condition, save TH-camrs later, how my learning about social stuff is impaired and not only I have no drive to socialize, only fifteen years later I got around studying psychology. But hey, I still got my law degree, after ten years of studying unmotivated, as my mother left home after minority had ran out so she did not need to care, and my Soviet-socialized father entertained fallacious assumptions about how much he needed to be concerned with his children and the state and society would be, despite all good will. Nobody in the health and education industry says anything for you to gain greater health competence, everyone bathes in his tertiary illness gain.
There was no discussion of Autism when I was young. Or Asperger's either. Not even for boys. I'm sure I'm Autistic as well as my father, at least one aunt, and my grandmother. I was born in the 70's. I wasn't aware of any of this until I read the book "Look Me in the Eye." And it wasn't until around two years ago that I found out that's Autism and found information about it online and people online who also have Autism. I'm a 50-year-old woman. I was mocked as a kid, ostracized as a teen, and am avoided and gossiped about as an adult. People see me as either untrustworthy (improper eye contact), stuck up, a potential serial killer (too reserved), or uncanny valley (not really the word I'm looking for, but my brain won't find the right word right now).
Same here. But my gosh… not diagnosed just experiencing everything you have…. And burns out at fifty What steps do you take in order to bother living again?
I hope you can find joy in life. There is nothing worse than being in a dark place and not knowing where to go. I would start with a diagnosis. Since it is a spectrum, knowing your traits narrows down what can help you and your situation. With a diagnosis, therapy should be able to help much more, and learning about your traits should allow you to explain them and what you need to anyone close to you so they can understand and adapt. I come from the mental health world, and even though we all know ourselves, a diagnosis can help so much in explaining things to other people and help in doing research ourselves.
@@Catlily5 It is a good first step though. Unfortunately it is hard to give people a general roadmap because everyone is different, so one step at a time.
@@Catlily5 Great! I imagine your diagnosis feels like it didn't help as much since it is the job of us neurotypicals to come and meet all of you and what you need. I can't speak to your experiences of course, but in general in the mental health/trauma community you could find some understanding and kindred spirits since there is a fair bit of overlap over there :)
Thank you so much for sharing your experience, Elena! Your video was very interesting. I found out I was on the spectrum a few years ago as an adult. It was a surprise to me. I just thought I had extreme anxiety. Has anyone told you that you look kind of like Lana Del Rey? Especially with the eye makeup.
I related a lot to this. Especially the "double life" and freaking out as a baby because wtf is this life. I'm doing better now recognizing the differences between neurotypicals and me thanks to the therapy for bpd actually (I actually developed it). The alexythimia was a b*** too and therapy has helped me through everything... I just wish people would try to relate to me, for a change. I wish people would be understanding and truly supportive. I guess it's hard to feel like you can truly open up and be vulnerable after the things we've been through. When you feel like nobody was reliable... You learn to accept your lonely condition.
Please don't give up and accept loneliness. It will take some time, but the rest of society is catching up. They did with mental health issues such as PTSD, and that should help with raising awareness with autism due to the relationship between the two. Once neurotypicals have a few things they can relate to from their personal experiences, it should be much easier for them to see the broader picture. That is what worked for me to learn about this world at least! Hopefully that helps :)
It’s weird, I have went 30 years feeling out of place awkward and alienated. I only found out I may be on the spectrum, because my partner is a school teacher and said to me one day, have you ever looked into autism. He stated that I had similar traits to a lot of the autistic children in his class, black and white thinking, analytical and logic based, among many others. I went mute for 4 years from the ages of 8-11 because school was so overstimulating, I shut down completely and no one ever suspected anything other than a shy anxious kid. I also studied psychology to better understand myself 😅 I remember attending a lecture on the reading in the minds eye experiment, regarding reading emotions from faces with only eyes showing. Everyone was talking about how they had taken the test and found it interesting and easy to spot the emotions, I was quietly in the background thinking I got mostly every one wrong… To this day I have a hard time reading emotions from someone’s face, I have however mastered the art of reading emotion from body language and more specifically tone of voice.
Just got diagnosed with adhd . The thing I have the problem with is not knowing if what I’m choosing to do is nice, so after I choose to do something I get completely overwhelmed as if I just symptoms someone to death. I’m curious if anything like this is part of the emotional struggle you have. I’ve never heard about autism from your point of view. It’s making me wonder.
Yeah, the very exhaustion of such way of mannering in front of others for a sake of not even remember what... Thanks for unlocking my memory longlost through period of ongoing life
I am for now self discovered AuDHD mum of 3. 2 girls ASD diagnosed in Nov 2023 at ages 12 and 14. My son of 10 is on the NHS waiting four year wait to be assessed for ADHD. I originally noticed at the age of 3 was very likely ADHD hes 10 now and has been waiting for 2 years so prob won't be seen before he is 12. I see you and I hear you. I grew up in the late 70s early 80s and all the while i was at school i too would wonder what the point of living was, my middle daughter wrote a note to her teacher because she was being bullied ssying she wanted to kill herself when she was 10! She was being bullied at the time as well and we sought a diagnosis for her and our older daughter because both have a lot of the listed traits for girls as I do. I am starting my journey for assessment soon at the age of 47. 😊
Stimming was common for me as a toddler and I look back wondering if I was showing signs of autism. I did it so much that my family began to make fun of it. 😂 but I think they just saw it as a weird quirk I had even though I still do it today.
I was gonna wait until the end to comment, but I’ll forget… I’m over here relating, go to hit like, and I’m #666 🥰 I also didn’t know why no one else was dying on the inside until today 😍 I’m in an autistic burnout
I understand this! But back when I was a child, the two were often blended together by playground mothers is what I’m told. We know a lot more now and no longer use the term Asperger’s 😊
@@elenacarr0ll well, I have Two daughter, my younger daughter, who has Asperger’s this is her official diagnosis. My older daughter is diagnosed with autism. back in the 1990s my older daughter was a very little girl the thing that was talked about wasn’t Asperger’s, but was autism in general here in the United Kingdom, a lot of false information was put out by the media about what autism was. I even knew a couple of parents, who children were diagnosed, but they were both boys and never went to mainstream school, there was a lot to talk about it being down to vaccinations. My older daughter was not diagnosed as a child. She literally has only just received a diagnosis after taking unbelievable eight years. If I knew what to look out, for, I would’ve pushed for it, potentially being autism, but I was totally ignorant to what autism was . She was under a paediatrician at the hospital. and even the school realised she was quite different but couldn’t put their finger on it. If she’d been a naughty child more investigation, I’m sure would’ve happened, but because she was very quiet and mild mannered, this actually went against her and led to her not being diagnosed, She then becoming very ill when she went into a teenager years because of not understanding who she was, or why she was different. My second daughter was diagnosed at the age of 11, I should point out there was a 12 year age, gap between my two daughters. I was the first person to notice what could possibly be wrong with my daughter when she was 19, after scouring the Internet for information, and doing a lot of reading. I’d like to point out, I never had a computer until my daughter was about 15 years of age, so I did not have the Internet until after this obviously. I was the first person to suggest it was autism. She started seeing psychiatrists, within a month of me suggesting it to her, then her psychiatrist also suggested it to her I never met, or had in any interaction with my daughter psychiatrist, as my daughter was living in another part of the country from me . Once I understood what autism was, then realised that I could see some similarities between my two daughters. I push the local Health Authority to have my youngest daughter tested which confirmed it was Asperger’s, but not autism.. my youngest daughter’s treatment from going to the doctors and being tested took less than one year. Because my older daughter was under adult services, and they never considered it as she was a child and took forever . So I’m not saying your experience aren’t valid, because they are your experiences. I just thought it’s important to clarify, there is a difference between Asperger’s and autism as lots of people are still ill informed about what autism is, and the fact that has a very wide spectrum.
Just so you know. In the US, the two were wrapped into the same diagnosis (ASD) and it is qualified by different support levels. What was once called Asperger’s is mostly support level 1.
@@jessicahenderson3534 autism spectrum disorder is the same here in the UK is now classified as ASD, which they’ve slowly introduced in recent years. But if you were diagnosed already with Asperger’s, your diagnosis, will stay as Asperger’s, they’re just classifying everybody as ASD now. Which if you ask me would add to the confusion of understanding what’s exactly the condition is. There are so many variables within ASD from having mild complications from autism, to it being completely severe, where you can’t communicate in any sense of form. Part of the reason they did this, was they found people with Asperger’s can have, or need more help than people would consider necessary. Here in the United Kingdom, they do not diagnose sensory issues as a separate condition. I know they do in the USA. The sensory issues that associated with autism and Asperger’s can be very overwhelming for an individual, this tends to be where a person will need more support. I did a sensory processing workshop with the NHS physiotherapist where they train parents what the different sensory issues, a person could face And to be able to identify them and the different therapies that all available to tackle them. This is where it was explained in great detail that it’s not considered in the United Kingdom as separate issue or should we say a separate condition, so no separate diagnosis is available.
In most of the world they are now the same condition. Both the DSM and the ICD combined them because doctors couldn't figure out where to draw the line between them. One doctor would say Asperger's and another doctor would say autism for the same person.
lol Try adding all this First nothing Then dysthymia Depression Add Bipolar 2 Something else Personality disorder And you even wonder BPD? Narcissism Gaslighting by male therapist and md famiky members I won’t go on By need to be reborn and start over And finally you realize a lot almost all
Everything you describe about yourself growing up resonates so much for me. I didn’t have meltdowns, because I was scared of my dad’s temper, but instead closed myself up in my room and wrote poems about dying. And even as a little kid (Kindergarten), I remember feeling like an observer instead of a participant in my own life. I didn’t understand kids’ behavior and would sadly long to be older, assuming that all my peers would become more civilized and easier to communicate with due to age alone. It took me a long while to consider emulating others to fit in (so I was an easy target for teasing and must have seemed like an alien intruder). Once I finally did, I started having more social and professional success - but masking became draining and actually just alienated me more. Your social strategy as a kid was more like my sister’s and my daughter’s. They are both very bright and pragmatic - and they learned how to fit in, for both better and worse, by masking or otherwise going along with certain social norms. My daughter went through a screaming period like you describe. When it started (around age 2-3), I at first had no idea how to deal with it. After all, I was actually triggered by it and would get angry and overwhelmed. Thank goodness I read some fantastic advice from an autism expert and psychologist, who stated that “the kids who need love the most ask for it in the least effective way possible.” After I read that, I completely reversed my approach, using love and comfort instead of discipline to respond. My daughter’s behavior immediately started to improve.
I imagine your mom must love you tremendously to get you through that time with your mutual relationship intact. My own daughter, who is almost 14, has tried to apologize to me a few times for her meltdowns - but I just told her I knew she was going through a hard time and that I didn’t take it personally. I could not love her more than I already do. Anyway, great video - very brave of you to reveal these honest self-reflections. ❤
This was the most amazing comment to read. Thank you for sharing your experiences with me, you sound like a beautiful soul 💜
in a way this is really comforting for me to hear. For so long I thought I couldn't possibly be autistic because everything I heard about it mentioned meltdowns being integral to the disorder. I think my lack of meltdowns was due to a similar experience as yours, expect, mine was in avoidance of my mum's reactions. I remember thinking about suicide at, what i would now consider to be too young to be seen as a normal occurrence. I too also struggled to relate to my peers, I found it so much easier to speak to the adults in my life than those my own age growing up & i could never understand why. The adults in my life always just said things like "she's very mature for her age" or "she's an old soul" when now I know I was just masking and using behviours I'd seen adults exhibiting, and talking like how the characters in my books talked.. anyway, if you were feeling the same way at all, I figured hearing a similar experience would comfort you too!
Oh my god, yes - it’s very affirming to hear others describe a similar experience. Yes, all my mom’s comments about being an “old soul” and “precocious” said with such pride made me adopt being smarter and supposedly more mature than my peers as a self-identity (and how could I not embrace that, when my mom was one of the few people saying positive things about me?). So I studied human behavior by watching TV shows and reading books, and listening to adult conversations, trying to be perfectly moral, knowledgeable, and articulate. I became a really good expository writer. I didn’t have many true emotional interactions in which to develop a sense of friendship or self-expression, and in the meantime my mom was just as lonely and alienated as me - so I became her confidante. She poured all her frustrations, fears and jealousies onto me while being incapable of tolerating any strong emotions from me. I started hollowing out as a person. Lost track of my own feelings. I became a human sounding board. I don’t believe my mom knew this was emotional abuse, and to this day she’s in the dark about why I suddenly pulled away from her in my 20’s. But I couldn’t shake the false identity at that point and as a result have struggled to maintain friendships and to continue advancing at work. I think I’m saying all this to help folks understand that allowing kids to express themselves and struggle their way through their own peer relationships has got to be a better way. You may wind up with some regrets, but you come out the other side a much truer version of yourself. That is such a gift. I wish my parents had had the emotional maturity to tolerate that.
Thank you for sharing how you would meltdown in private for fear of consequences. I, too, felt that I had to hide my meltdowns. The first time I shared some of my internal experiences, I was given a spinal tap because they thought I was on drugs. I wasn't on drugs. I was 13. I didn't even know how to get drugs.
And so I would curl up in fetal position in my room, cry, beat my head, and scream quietly ... wishing I would just finally be dead.
@@kristinekarlson113 my mum was similar with the emotional neglect/ abuse, could never handle my emotions but I'm definitely a sounding board for hers, even now in some ways! I remember bawling my eyes out for hours in private but having to be in my "shell/ bubble" with everyone else because they didn't want to deal with me.
My mum has started to read into some of this recently though and she's been trying to make a change. The other week she snapped at me for a minor mistake and was doing her usual silent treatment, about an hour later she came to see me and did something I never expected. She apologised, admitted she was in the wrong and took accountability for the emotional turmoil she put me through. I burst into tears when she left. It was like I was taken back to childhood and wishing I understood what I did to cause so much upset and it was the most validating thing!
Anyways, just thought I'd share that, I'll remember that moment for the rest of my life! It's never too late for parents to try and make up for poor parenting (especially like with my mum who didn't have a great role model for motherhood!)
A highly intelligent girl with a shopping list of mental health diagnoses eg. anxiety, depression, OCD, BPD, C-PTSD etc. almost ALWAYS will have undiagnosed autism and/or ADHD
Yep, I’m almost there. I mean to the correct diagnosis. Thank you
I have been so comforted by your videos. I was just diagnosed with Autism and ADHD at the age of 37 and when I tell people that, I typically get the “but you don’t seem autistic” response◡̈ Then when I try to explain some autistic trait of mine, they tend to say, “Well, I’m like that - everyone’s like that.” It can leave me feeling pretty misunderstood, so it’s so comforting to see someone like you that truly understands what it feels like to be autistic without “looking” like it to the world.
I am sorry you feel misunderstood. I am not on the spectrum and have been learning a lot about this world through Elena and her videos. I think the behaviours from the trauma which autistic poeple feel is relatable to other people, rather than the base characteristics which cause problems for people on the spectrum in the first place. Please correct me if I have that wrong of course. I definetely can relate to a lot of things Elena has shared, and some things that other people have shared, but then again I never had to 'mask' my identity, or loose my identity from masking for too long. That seems to be a good benchmark for helping people to BEGIN to understand the differences.
For what it is worth, I think us normatives being able to relate to some things is the first step in getting a broader understanding, even if we don't realize the extent of autism off the bat. When people have something to anchor them, it is easier to build up the knowledge on a subject, if that makes sense.
@@Taoscape Thanks for sharing your perspective! That really helps.
@@jfregoe You are welcome. I really do think getting people to understand will be easier than it seems - it is just a matter of finding the right way to connect with people and apply it to the wider community :)
Thank you so much for sharing this comment with me 🥺 please just know that you're not alone in your feelings of difference...there's someone out there in the world feeling the same as you!!
@@elenacarr0ll Thank you!! ❤️
The part about you suspecting yourself as a narcissist really struck me.
I've been recently diagnosed with autism too and many years ago I couldn't get the idea out of my head that I was some kind of self-aware narcissist or psychopath?
Nobody could convince me otherwise.
I wonder if this kind of thing is common with some autism sufferers?
I also thought I'm probably a narcissist
@@heedmydemands thanks for the response!
That makes 3 of us!
I have also considered if I was too…
@@mellyo7262 4!
🤚 me too
I was born in 1952, and I was told I was different from the beginning. My mother said I was "born adult". I was terrible at masking, I've been fired from more jobs than not, despite constantly being told I was an excellent performer at the work. I have a moderately high IQ, and I cried after school almost every day, because I was treated so cruelly. I know I have autism, but two psychiatrists have told me I have too much empathy to have autism. Now, when I hear of the characteristics of autism, I recognize myself. I don't know if it is worth the struggle it would be to get diagnosed. But I have lived a "double life", just as you have.
I brought up with my mum that I had been researching the possibility that I might be autistic and she looked at me like I was a gullible idiot and scoffed “you definitely don’t have autism”. She then proceeded to list outdated reasons for why I can’t be autistic (theory of mind, lying, empathy), which was sad to hear given that she works in the psychology field
Wow.
Aged 70, I've just realised I am on the spectrum. Joy and relief. Life is already feeling different, though nothing but this has changed. Thanks Elena.
YAY ALISON 😀😀
Aged 63, ive just been diagnosed with ADHD & Autism, this in the middle or a serious mental health crisis, currently suffering with crippling Anxiety & Depression and on a high dose of antidepressants, which have changed me, people say im not the same man. But i wonder if the depression is a symptom of either my Autism or ADHD, or both.
Im really struggling to cope with life right now.
Im married to a Thai lady who lives at our house in Thailand, whilst i live with my elderly sick mum as her primary carer. Ive not seen my wife in person since july 2023, over a year. Ive been scammed 4 times in the last year, cos of my gullibility and impulsiveness. Heading towards old age, i am so scared for my future.
@@markdigitalwealth Hallo Mark, I'm sorry you are feeling so bad right now and wish you quiet peacefulness as things improve.
I didn't get diagnosed with autism, adhd, dyslexia and ocd until I was 20 but I realised when I was about 15. No one ever even thought I was autistic/adhd/etc because I acted "normal" and looked "normal". I think I started considering that I could maybe be autistic/adhd/etc because I get really bad noise overloads/panic attacks, struggled with getting school work done on time, and I just always felt like something was different about me.
I think I seemed more "normal" than most people with autism/adhd/etc because I'm really good at masking/acting that I even convinced myself that I was "normal" o3o
I appreciate that you mention the loneliness of being autistic, especially when you don't even know that is why you feel like such an alien on this planet and in this life.
That emptiness is what finally got to me so much that I couldn't hide it anymore. Sadly, I graduated high school a year before Asperger's Syndrome was even diagnosed in this country. Hence, came the slew of misdiagnoses and treatments, none of which worked.
Thank you for sharing this deeply personal truth of being autistic. ❤
I have never had a diagnosis and probably never will being a woman and not having the more obvious traits. I'm now 58. Your story of growing up is very similar to my experience. Now I openly let people know. This has been a big step for me and less exhausting.
I'm proud of you 👏🏻
Oh my goodness! I had the same experience of feeling more grown as a child than now. I have felt a lack of honest interaction throughout life and it was a very depressing dance.
I too was very determined to walk as a baby. My mom later told me I was a not a good baby compared to my brother who came two years later and who was quiet and no bother. She said I would grab the sides of my baby buggy and jump up and down when I guess she wanted me to just sit still. Then I walked at 7 months and as soon as I could I was running and being yelled at to stop running. One of my happiest days was when I got my first roller skates. I was about 5, and for hours I would skate back and forth, back and forth from the big tree at the edge of our yard on the side walk to the Busey’s driveway and back for hours. When I was 7 I was skating the Congo with the big kids at the local roller rink.
I couldn’t figure out why other kids had friends and I didn’t. At age eight I started reading psychology books. I was good at dancing, music and art, so I stayed very busy doing those things. As an adult I became an art teacher, got my Masters Degree at OU in rehab counseling, always wondering why I didn’t fit in. Only after I retired and had been suffering from debilitating anxiety was I diagnosed with autism. I was relieved.
i had the same kind of determination as a toddler, not with walking though. My parents told me that I decided all by myself that I was quitting using a dummy/ pacifier. I collected them all up and threw them all in the bin, told my dad I was a big girl now and that was the day I stopped using them. I had a brief moment that same night where I asked for one but my dad reminded me that I'd thrown them away and I just said "oh, okay" and then i didn't use them at all after.... I have bitten my nails ever since then though so I think I just substituted a soothing behaviour for another :D
I threw mine out of the baby cot whenever someone tried to give it to me, after a while they gave up 😄
Oh my goodness! As someone recently diagnosed (like 2 weeks ago) this resonates with me. I'd loved those dummies so much. When I was about four, I just decided that I was done with them, ready to be older now, and sent them away. I have picked my nails for years, and only recently, when I started crocheting, have I been able to stop picking at them.
Im 15, im finally starting to talk to people about my suspected autism, but some family members havent reacted very positively, while others are so supportive. Im worried to talk to anyone else at this point, but my mom is looking into a diagnosis assessment. Thanks for the video, i related SO much ❤
hang in there, you've got this! I've had a lot of people doubt me and tell me I'm a hyperchondriac when I first started talking about my suspitions of autism, and I'm 24. You'd think as an adult people would accept that I probably know myself really well by now :D I'm glad your mum's supporting you through this though! Wishing you all the luck on this journey
I hope you get the support you need.. I have a daughter who was diagnosed at age 7 it took years!! Now I see traits in one of my twin girls she is 4 and I will seek support for her as well. Honestly I believe I am autistic as well. I havent had a diagnosis but I might so they don't feel so alone. Much ❤
Your piece was never missing, it was masking that beautiful, and authentic self.
Awww, thank you sunshine 🌞
Exactly because if you were different than more traditional view of autistic people, they just thought you are different and weird but thought nothing of it. I'm starting to think that me and my siblings were autistics. Because my sister were the polar opposite of my brother and I, they didn't noticed or helped. Or maybe they were to absorbed or overwhelmed by my sister "tantrums" they didn't or couldn't see it. To make itbworse my parents were very unstable because they probably were autistics too and anythat looked anything like their limitations or issues they refused to see it or act on it.
This whole video resonated with me so much I started crying. The anxiety, the ocd, being extremely well behaved at school and having meltdowns at home. At the age of seven I had my first existential crisis and even though I presented like a normal kid on the outside, my inner world was full of fears and anxiety. I’m so hyper aware of everything and I get so self conscious about taking up space. What you said about being labeled as shy but really just being terrified of the world hit the mark for me. I’ve never been diagnosed but im worried to go because I feel like I’m just overreacting.
Thank you for sharing your story. I resonated with so much of it. I was an 80's child in the UK. I'm only realised now that I'm autistic. I always assumed everyone else had the same experience as me and found it incredibly difficult to understand why nobody was helping me, why nobody could understand that loud noise what stressful and overwhelming. I just believed that there was something wrong with my character for not being able to cope. I often don't understand how anyone finds any joy in life. Relationships are difficult, people talk too much nonsense, all the noise all at venues... now I have started treating each symptom and putting things in place for myself, things are getting easier. My friends are understanding and work is very supportive. So hopefully life is worth living 🤞 look forward to hearing more about your experiences and I'm glad you're feeling like you finally have answers ❤
Listen to me when I say, THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU, NOT ONE THING!! You have felt so sad because this world wasn't designed for your brain. I understand every emotion you have shared. Keep fighting for happiness, I know one day very very soon it'll wash over you 💜
@@elenacarr0ll ❤❤❤
Fuck! I just realised I have been like this since childhood, I have always been misdiagnosed, with either it’s extreme anxiety or bipolar. I even have an eating disorder, but I think it has more to do with Autism. This made me cry so much, this is how I feel every day. It's tough to be different.
Amazing video. Very informative, thanks for sharing
I heavily heavily resonate with how you grew up. I always felt like people did not see things the same way I did. I was highly empathic and aware of how people affect people. I was constantly observing and in awe of how people worked. I was always good and obedient, but after some time I started becoming terrible when arriving from school. I hated that I would scream. I hated that I would become mute. I didn't know how to be the nice girl I was at school in those moments. I hated the thought of hurting those around me. I was always perceived as "intelligent," but somehow, I would always be the slowest one in my classes. I always felt like I was trying hard to catch up to everyone. Even with my current job... I get so tired after coming baxk that I just sleep until the next day. There's so much more that I resonate with!
I have only been diagnosed with Avoidant personality disorder, but it never felt like a full answer to me. I would have even felt way more closure with a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder when it comes to how I handle relationships. Even though I crossed all of the symptoms in my eyes for bpd, my therapist asked if I ever considered autism (which I have never). I took an assessment, and I didn't get a high enough mark to be considered (probably because it was given audibly). The more I think about it now, the more I have realized I have probably been masking all this time. I truly don't know or understand who I am or what I am doing. I feel so authenticly inauthentic.
If you relate to autism then go with that. Do your research into it more, but please please know that one day you’ll get answers. You sound so in tune with yourself and your place in the world. I know how you feel 💜
@elenacarr0ll Thank you so much for your encouraging response! I am trying to do a lot of research, and I align with it the more my research elevates. I think I may have both autism and adhd, but I will do a tons more research and notate because I will need that reassurance to not feel crazy. I am digging up some old family videos and looking through them (I was selectively mute). Like yourself, I feel like I think about myself so much for answers to the point where I have often asked myself if I was narcissist, too, haha.
I will get back to this comment and let you know when I receive the full closure! 🤍 Again, thank you so much for your comment because I feel like the world has not made this journey easy... my own contradictory brain definitely has not either, so I will remember your words to keep trying
This spoke to me completely! From another 90s child currently seeking an autism diagnosis. Thank you 🥹❤️
Omg I’m so glad 🥹
hello Elena, I am from the Netherlands and I am 64 years young.... I just recenrly discoverd that I am on the spectrum. I am not diagnosed yet. But here in our country the thing is, if you can survive, feed yourself, cloth yourself etc. you won't get support due to the waitinglists for proffesionals. But I feel so lonely in myself. I don't really feel connection to others..Because of....For example my sence of humor, creativitie, musical emotions and so on.... but now I untherstand myself better. I recognize my meltdowns and the "why" is clearer for me
.My overcompensation etc. is clearer to me. So yeah, I am a missfit. Still I am loved by my husband, and dog and God. Blessings!
I don't know in your particular case but some waitlists are worth it.
"I don't know if I was shy... I think I was shit scared of the world...". Wow I relate to this. Every thought, every word, every look, every movement was like a heavily and carefully choreographed dance for me. Even now, some of the only "habits' I have are mentally rehearsing and scripting every facial expression, look, word, sentence I do or say. Then I melt down and feel overwhelming shame and humiliation and exhaustion.
Thank you for sharing your story , pain and incredible frustration with us who are still undiagnosed.t and struggling .
You are fortunate to have received your much needed diagnosis, I am happy for you.
I am not as fortunate. I am 72 yrs old. What knowledge that I do have is from my persistent search for understanding, I thank God for the internet.. My research has uncovered the nameless monster that was lurking under my bed. I spent many decades believing that I was defective, broken, unloved and could never fit in with anyone. Friends were a scarcity and none were trustworthy.
My mom, Grandpa and eldest brother all believed that I was mentally challenged , although the words used to describe me were not so kind.. No small wonder that I was so... Doggedly driven to learn the truth about myself! Learning that I am an Aspie is a great comfort to me, freeing and validating. no longer fear nor believe that I am defective.
It would be nice to have a diagnosis though , just to shut the mouths of and critics.
Thank you for sharing your story! And please know there are others out there just like you ☺️ welcome to this colourful club
I'm 35 and don't have a diagnosis for Autism yet, but I wanted to comment to say thank you - for being transparent about your struggles and journey.
It’s my pleasure sweet soul 🫶🏻
I was also born in the 90s. Looking back now, I genuinely believe I had these difficulties. As I entered 2nd or 3rd grade teacher labeled me as "shy" "quiet" & had learning disabilities. One teacher even said I had a underreaction to my environment.
I feel like we've lived the same life, i'm currently trying to figure out if i'm autistic and hearing you describe your experience helps so much
All I've been watching is experiences of late-diagnosed autistic women because for the first time in my entire life I feel understood. Autism and/or ADHD is something I never considered myself possible having. I've been diagnosed with CPTSD, Bipolar, BPD, OCD, depression, generalized anxiety. I've always thought the same thing you said, it just doesn't tell the full picture of what is going on inside. I struggle so immensely internally, every single day since as long as I can remember. I am extremely high masking. I have always done well in anything I've done in life, or so it appeared externally, that no one ever believed how badly I was struggling on the inside. I am seeking getting tested for ADHD and Autism. I have always been interested in psychology and how people work because A. I don't understand people and I wan to, and B. I always wanted to understand what was "wrong" with me. I just thank you and all of the other women for putting out this content. I feel truly understood, and most of all, more compassionate towards myself for my struggles. Not being so hard on myself and trying (trying because I'm still not very good at this yet) to give myself the accommodations I need. Thank you. ❤❤
Experience it's so relatable... It always amazed me that mother's always know something is off, just they don't know what.
Unless they are also autistic and then you seem normal to them.
YES!!!!! I wanted to walk and learned to walk quickly. My speech on the other hand was significantly delayed. Now I speak fine, but this has prevented me from becoming bilingual in a complex language household (for context: my parents speak different dialects of Chinese to each other, which has caused a lot to be lost in translation, so they had communication issues and therefore argued often, and it could get violent).
"Poor behaviour" There is a Canadian phyisician by the name of Gabor Mate I think you might find interesting on TH-cam. His revelation that he shares is that humans (or really any creatures on Earth) are, and can ONLY be, products of their environment. He says there is no "good" or "bad" behaviour, but just "behaviour" in what we need to do within the environment around us. This philosophy will go into genetic traits as well, but with your outbursts they are a natural human reaction to the environment you were in (going from high stress outside the home, to a place where you were loved). If it did feel like you were 'finally being heard', telling your mom that (which I am sure you just did with this video) should give some closure to that regret in your life.
That leads me to a a couple of philosophical questions, and I am currious of the perspectives of any other person on the spectrum who might like to share as well :)
-From my understanding so far in watching your videos, I assume many autistic traits (such as masking) are responses to trauma. How would you raise an autistic child differently to minimize bad experiences?
-Along the same lines, I am currious what neurotypicals could do better, or even make it so you don't need to feel the need to mask, etc? Or another way to put it: What was your fantasy of an ideal world when you grew up (or even presently) where you felt happy and accepted?
On a happy note, HAPPY BIRTHDAY! :) Saying "I hope you have a great party" might be somewhat backhanded to a person on the spectrum, but at least I hope you have a wonderful birthday cake! lol
Thanks for your message and input ☺️ as far as the answers to your questions-
- I think the biggest thing I've learnt is autistic people are much more visual learners. I believe a lot of autistic children's bad days could be expelled through the use of pictures, storytelling, that type of thing. Certainly in my case.
-Secondly, having an awareness to different brains can make us feel so seen. Our experience is often minimised when people say things like, "we're all a bit autistic..." If anything, asking questions, like you have done, goes a long way for us ☺️ thank-you
Gabor Mate is a quack.
He lost all credibility when he sold tickets for people to watch a therapy session between himself and Prince Harry.
There (having met Harry for the hour) diagnosed him with several things.
Oh and the kicker. Each expensive ticket came with copy of one of Harry's books. (The seesion was a ploy to boost book sales.)
All very unethical and shady.
@@timtreefrog9646 Thanks for bringing it up. I did not know he did that. However looking into it further, it looks like the monetization was either pushed on him, or even snuck past him, and he regrets it.
@@Taoscape yes. He mightn't have known that PH was doing something for a cash grab for sure.
But to diagnose him during a short interview (in front of thousands) and broadcast that gives me the ick.
In addition, the fact that PH advertised the virtues of illegal substances during the interview. They were glamorised. There was no disclaimer from GM to the audience at the end or during "drugs won't help to take your problems away" etc etc.
How can you diagnose someone who is telling you they actively take various illegal substances? Wouldn't that cloud the mind and distorts thinking?
GM made a mockery of the medical profession that interview. He might say he regrets it. But he said and did those things outside of the code of medical ethics. No one forced him to say or omit specific things.
@@timtreefrog9646 Yeah I find it bizarre as well, and didn't realize he did that of course. However his main message as I mentioned above is still relevant, despite his misstep. I find it a good compliment to Robert Sapolsky's work.
I have a memory from around a year old where I said to myself "I'm never going to learn to walk" and I remember it being said after watching a family member walking up a stair. Your story reminded me of my memory lol. I had a lot of trauma very early on as well.
I so resonate with so much you've shared. Especially feeling I had a broken brain. I questioned every possible dx snd as you did, even autism took awhile to settle into and understand.(audhd and pda made it harder to understand) I'm glad you finally feel more comfortable in your skin. It's harder to unmask when you're nearly 60. Thx for sharing 😊
Same. I've been looking nto it for the last 6 months and while I'm still not sure, it kinda makes sense.
Your story reminds me of mine, esp when I was growing up in my elementary school days. I was diagnosed with a learning disorder (dyslexia) & I just didn’t fit quite in with the other kids. I had friends but there was a disconnect with others. I just thought it was due to cultural differences & things like that, I just didn’t fit in anywhere but now in my late 40s & having neurodivergent kids, I think I need to get evaluated for Asperger‘s (ASD). Thank you for sharing your story & making your videos. Very helpful to so many!
thank you, so much. best of luck moving forward.
I’m diagnosed with autism at 50 years old I’m feeling my whole life different from other people always struggles with working and other things I have always hated it by the way you are a lovely young woman!
What you do is so important!
Our experiences are similar ❤
Omg.... thank you sweet sweet soul. Keep fighting the good fight 💖
thank you for sharing this, it has given me a hope truly
Thank you for sharing these stories and experiences. I relate a lot to your experiences growing up. I remember being 4 years old the first time i thought about ending my life and always pictured myself dying at 16 because I couldn’t imagine living that long.
You are fortunate to know at your age It may seem like it took a long time
I just found out at 52 😳 Imagine how much I have to unpack 😅
I'm 60 years old, and was just formally diagnosed 4 months ago. So many missing pieces of understanding myself and my life have fallen into place! While I am happy to finally know, I am grieving all the lost years, opportunities, and relationships. If I could have known a long time ago, maybe I wouldn't have struggled so desperately in my life, if I could have gotten the accomodations I needed to thrive.
@christinelamb1167
Absolutely ❣️ the replay of every single day ... over 19,000 of them Is exhausting and painful Yes I have counted It's what I do and always have and now I no longer feel guilty about it 🫂
@@GeeGee0071 Yes, for me that has been one of the blessings of finally being diagnosed. I finally don't feel defective, or like a horrible person. My mind just works differently than the "norm", and that's ok!
I’m so glad I found your videos, I’ve been struggling with the exact same things you have. I too had a double life where I was this serious perfect student who listened and did everything right, but at home I would become extremely angry and lash out at those I loved not because I wanted to hurt them but because I felt so alone and unheard. I wanted their attention because I never got it in school or with my friends. I’m 22 and just a few days ago I’ve started to suspect I may be autistic after watching a few videos and doing a lot of research where they were saying things that immediately resonated with my life. But i tried to discuss this with my family and they weren’t as receptive and it felt like they were completely dismissing how I felt and my worries and anxiety.
Thanks for your vulnerability Elena. I identified with so much of it. We, as women, have been left to struggle through life on our own for too long. I've suffered from anxiety & depression (as has my mum) nearly all my life & have continually been told by counsellors, doctors & psychs, that I don't want to be put into a box or labelled. After running a mental health wellness clinic for 5 years & numerous conversations with therapists, I self-diagnosed with ADHD late last year & was professionally diagnosed several weeks ago. After not being believed, I got in to see a different doctor than my regular one, by "chance". She called me back for a longer visit & after a conversation, she agreed with me and said I also think you have Autism. It turns out she is autistic also and I guess she recognised some of the things I was talking about. Now at almost 64, I'm waiting on an ASD assessment in a few weeks & I feel a bit like I'm treading water. I felt so relieved to have a formal diagnosis of ADHD, but feel like I'm on standby, waiting for this before I start any treatment. I'm feeding off of You Tube videos atm & trying to learn as much as I can about both. It also makes sense of my children's behaviour, especially my son. I've always known that there is something different about him since he was a baby. Even though he's male, I see a lot of his behaviours in what you described. My daughter also, was very strong & independent. She was walking at 9months & running & climbing at 10 months....
When you said that you felt older when you were younger, I so identify! I felt so grown up when I was young. Now, not so much. I wish I had known all of this stuff when I was younger. My life would have been so different, although, I guess I wouldn't be the person I am now. I'm also feeling like, "where to from here?"
Sorry for the epic reply. You just triggered a lot of things. You remind me a lot of myself when I was young. Bless you for being courageous & putting it out there. 💜
Thank you so much for sharing your story, this is how I felt through my childhood and teenage years and what you talk about resonates with me. I started sharing my story recently and it's amazing to find more people who want to open up and be vulnerable in order to help people who feel lost and scared.
That sounds like it must’ve been extraordinarily difficult childhood and adolescence. I think you’re doing a great service by sharing your story with others in order to help make it less likely that other children will have the same experience.
My mom said i was very well-behaved as a toddler i would just sit when I was put down and i was very emotional i cried a lot for no reason
Thank you for being brave enough to upload this video. I know exactly what your saying because I have it to. Just know your not alone, and understand that there is nothing wrong with who you are. Ive accepted this and have been healing just as you have. God bless you.
Thank you, Elena ! Your message made it to Sweden and I take this further.
Thank you for sharing and showing us home movies to illustrate your childhood traits. I could really identify in many ways.
Hi chickadee!! Proud of you and I'm 43, got some incorrect diagnoses but now realising and getting reassessed for AUDHD xxx God bless you, now be free to be you!!!❤❤❤
Your energy is so light, I can feel it through the screen 🤭 so proud of you for getting to this point in your life, all the very best
@elenacarr0ll aaawww thanks and you are one smart lady, so sorry it took so long, what a relief for you now! Do self care as much as you can xx you got great things coming your way in life xx
I recently made a video on how I have been feeling leading up to my initial evaluation which is in 2 days. It is on my channel. Thanks for sharing this. It helps to not feel alone in the journey.
thank you so much. i've been diagnosed with adhd and cptsd and have been toying with the idea that i might also be autistic. this video i really resonate with and i wanna get tested for autism. thank you for sharing your story! i related to every thing you said and have questioned the same things
Questioning if you are a narcissist is also a big theme in ocd
“I didn’t see the point of living because of how hard it is”… you mean to tell me not everyone feels this way?
Relating to this so hard, and I was born in the 60s, and I've only just realised, like within the last 6 months. Of wondering when I was young if everyone else got a manual to life - and I somehow didn't?
The 'examine my brain (etc) when I die' from before I started school until as late as last night, only I won't be around to hear the answers, if there are any.
Never thought I'd reach 40. The perpetual observer of my own life, difficult to make friends, the lack of honest interaction in life, and to this day I don't like kids and I don't understand them at all.
I felt older than the so called adults in my life and detested the baby talk, being called a child or worse 'schoolgirl', nails on a chalkboard. Who are you calling a child??
I hated school. I love learning and I was good at it, but forever being told what to do, to stop and go out and play, the other children, and the bullying... I was the bleeding heart who learned never to cry. I was called shy and anxious, but I I didn't feel it. I was quiet to avoid catching the eyes of bullies. But I am clearly a serious overthinker, trying to understand and make sense of the world around me.
But children had no say and if you acted up you were severely punished, and already an outsider I was terrified of being discarded, just waiting to grow up and be an adult and be my own person... Somewhere where people were less loud and less crude...
I've never seen a therapist coz like *where do I start?* what is connected with what? No one who hasn't lived and expereinced as crazy life could possibly understand and relate. In my 40s I briefly studied councelling, maybe to understand? I didn't find it very relatable. And I'm still looking for my place in life and the scale of things.
Thank you for the video. This was the first one of yours I''ve seen, so keep them coming. Much love
Some therapists have helped me but it is hard to find the right ones.
Thanks for sharing, it must've taken some courage! I wish I could go back in time and give a hug/whatever would be comforting to you coz it was so rough🥺🫂 So glad you're feeling better now🥰 Sharing all this experience will be very helpful for others, so props to you for doing that!💚
I’m a 63 year old individual who has never known what was wrong with me. Never seemed to fit in….like an alien. When I was going to school there was no such thing as autism. In fact autism wasn’t even a diagnosis until the 80s & then it was only non-verbal headbangers who were being diagnosed. To this day I don’t know what’s wrong with me. It’s incredibly difficult to find someone in the state that does late (very late) adult autism diagnosis. So many hurdles. I finally have my ADOS2 assessment appointment in august. When you talked about your mom crying & apologizing at your diagnosis I just burst into tears. My mom is 84 now & she has suffered right along with me. Didn’t know what to do with a child like me who would scream & cry & act out. She was baffled. She still is. She has no clue why I’m seeking my assessment. In her mind it’s a waste of time. Someday if I ever do get a formal diagnosis I might put my story out there to help people of my generation. If you have made it this far thank you for listening 💫🕊️
Just know I’m so proud of you for getting this far in life. I understand every emotion you described
@@elenacarr0ll Thanks for reading through my long description & for the comfort & support 💫🦋🕊️
It's really amazing to hear what you shared. I have always been wondering if I might be on the spectrum myself. I'd love to know more about how discovering that you are on the spectrum has helped you gain better control of your life over the last three months at age 27.
My question is, how can so many of us feel so similar and have lived such a similar experience??
That was very helpful in understanding the autistic experience. Thanks for the video.
Thank you so much for sharing 💜
I think I am autisic, born right at the start of the 90's I am now 33 years old. My masking must have been stubbornly strong too, I realized early on that I was different to my siblings and parents, but also every other kid I met. I was often told my behavours were weird and to stop doing them, and so I eventually did... well most of them I just stopped doing when other people were around, but even then I'd still get caught and be told off, usually by my siblings. I was always the odd one out with my siblings too, it went beyond me just being the youngest, as I was avoided or ignored a lot of the time. They didn't want me around, when all I wanted desperately was to hang out with my cool older siblings. My sister who shared a room with me and was the closest in age to me was the worse of them. Our relationship was totally confrontational and negative, because she pushed it to be that way☹. I got a lot of the negative comments about myself from her...
Its only in the last few years I have realized how hard I mask around people, especially out in public. At my current work I was masking heavily, so much more than I ever have before. Forcing myself to smile lots and chit-chat with everyone was exhausting, plus the 8 hour days didn't help either. I think I had two meltdowns at work (at different times) but I just suddenly burst into tears and couldn't stop crying. I couldn't understand why it was even happening, but now I am sure it was just a result of loads of stress from masking and other stressers in the work place, working with others. Which I am not good at, at all😶. I have reduced my masking, allowling myself to just smile and use an upbeat tone when dealing with customers and the occasional chat with coworkers that happens regardless. I informed my manager of my thought that I may be autisic and she seemed not at all surprised by the idea, weary, maybe because I don't have an official diagnosis, but she has been super supportive😊 I have been incredibly blessed.
Now I just need to get officially diagnosed and I think I can start to finally heal and learn to be myself again. Because it does feel somedays that I don't know who I am😅
Yeah, I'm late diagnosed at 34 years old... and I sign my all at every word of yours. Scared as fuck dying inside while pretending for other’s sake that I'm the same normal as others and totally loosing it at home. Only for a few months I find myself being honestly laughing or having some genuine interactions with other aspies.
In the 90th, it was harsh, and I was raised to be SMART AND EARN for my parents. To prove that I'm worthy investment. That's like literal input to me from maman, I need to prove the right to be called her daughter. So yeah, I was aspie raised by narcissist. Yey for surviving.
So my diagnosis is autism spectrum disorder & PTSD because why the hell not 😂😅 and it's a relief and so much freedom to know that yes, I played this game on a survival mode for all this time, so it's fine to lose it sometimes
Thanks for sharing. I'm waiting to be assessed, at the age of 46. I always had questions about the way I perceived the world and felt at odds with the world. My mother had to deal with me and my quirks and took me to be assessed (late 80s). I was a quiet child so I don't suppose they got much out of me, apart from what they could observe and how I responded to the activity based tests. Anyway, now that I have a few more years of life experience as an undiagnosed autistic person (+ now even a trained counsellor), eventually I met other undiagnosed folks and the light flicked. This is it! My presentation of autism is different from yours tho, but I kept listening because I have an older sister who is struggling with I don't know what. Her son is autistic. I now suspect our mum might be autistic. And I only recently started wondering if said sister couldn't be a determining-ly masking autistic woman (boss!) with no idea that she could be the same as her quiet mother, sister and son. The authenticity thing.
Elucidative. You had supportive parents. I got diagnosed in time with 14 after beating someone up only and yet nobody cared to explain my condition, save TH-camrs later, how my learning about social stuff is impaired and not only I have no drive to socialize, only fifteen years later I got around studying psychology.
But hey, I still got my law degree, after ten years of studying unmotivated, as my mother left home after minority had ran out so she did not need to care, and my Soviet-socialized father entertained fallacious assumptions about how much he needed to be concerned with his children and the state and society would be, despite all good will. Nobody in the health and education industry says anything for you to gain greater health competence, everyone bathes in his tertiary illness gain.
There was no discussion of Autism when I was young. Or Asperger's either. Not even for boys. I'm sure I'm Autistic as well as my father, at least one aunt, and my grandmother. I was born in the 70's. I wasn't aware of any of this until I read the book "Look Me in the Eye." And it wasn't until around two years ago that I found out that's Autism and found information about it online and people online who also have Autism. I'm a 50-year-old woman. I was mocked as a kid, ostracized as a teen, and am avoided and gossiped about as an adult. People see me as either untrustworthy (improper eye contact), stuck up, a potential serial killer (too reserved), or uncanny valley (not really the word I'm looking for, but my brain won't find the right word right now).
Same here. But my gosh… not diagnosed just experiencing everything you have…. And burns out at fifty
What steps do you take in order to bother living again?
I hope you can find joy in life. There is nothing worse than being in a dark place and not knowing where to go.
I would start with a diagnosis. Since it is a spectrum, knowing your traits narrows down what can help you and your situation. With a diagnosis, therapy should be able to help much more, and learning about your traits should allow you to explain them and what you need to anyone close to you so they can understand and adapt. I come from the mental health world, and even though we all know ourselves, a diagnosis can help so much in explaining things to other people and help in doing research ourselves.
In my case the autism diagnosis helped but not as much as I was hoping.
@@Catlily5 It is a good first step though. Unfortunately it is hard to give people a general roadmap because everyone is different, so one step at a time.
@@Taoscape I am still glad that I got diagnosed. It has been a little bit over a year.
@@Catlily5 Great! I imagine your diagnosis feels like it didn't help as much since it is the job of us neurotypicals to come and meet all of you and what you need. I can't speak to your experiences of course, but in general in the mental health/trauma community you could find some understanding and kindred spirits since there is a fair bit of overlap over there :)
Thank you so much for sharing your experience, Elena! Your video was very interesting. I found out I was on the spectrum a few years ago as an adult. It was a surprise to me. I just thought I had extreme anxiety. Has anyone told you that you look kind of like Lana Del Rey? Especially with the eye makeup.
Everything you said. Thank you.
I relate a lot to this
I related a lot to this. Especially the "double life" and freaking out as a baby because wtf is this life. I'm doing better now recognizing the differences between neurotypicals and me thanks to the therapy for bpd actually (I actually developed it). The alexythimia was a b*** too and therapy has helped me through everything... I just wish people would try to relate to me, for a change. I wish people would be understanding and truly supportive. I guess it's hard to feel like you can truly open up and be vulnerable after the things we've been through. When you feel like nobody was reliable... You learn to accept your lonely condition.
Please don't give up and accept loneliness. It will take some time, but the rest of society is catching up. They did with mental health issues such as PTSD, and that should help with raising awareness with autism due to the relationship between the two. Once neurotypicals have a few things they can relate to from their personal experiences, it should be much easier for them to see the broader picture. That is what worked for me to learn about this world at least! Hopefully that helps :)
It’s weird, I have went 30 years feeling out of place awkward and alienated. I only found out I may be on the spectrum, because my partner is a school teacher and said to me one day, have you ever looked into autism. He stated that I had similar traits to a lot of the autistic children in his class, black and white thinking, analytical and logic based, among many others. I went mute for 4 years from the ages of 8-11 because school was so overstimulating, I shut down completely and no one ever suspected anything other than a shy anxious kid. I also studied psychology to better understand myself 😅 I remember attending a lecture on the reading in the minds eye experiment, regarding reading emotions from faces with only eyes showing. Everyone was talking about how they had taken the test and found it interesting and easy to spot the emotions, I was quietly in the background thinking I got mostly every one wrong… To this day I have a hard time reading emotions from someone’s face, I have however mastered the art of reading emotion from body language and more specifically tone of voice.
Just got diagnosed with adhd . The thing I have the problem with is not knowing if what I’m choosing to do is nice, so after I choose to do something I get completely overwhelmed as if I just symptoms someone to death. I’m curious if anything like this is part of the emotional struggle you have. I’ve never heard about autism from your point of view. It’s making me wonder.
Thank you for sharing your experience.
is this a new channel? i'm sure i was subscribed to you
i relate to every point HARD
I hear you, not knowing who I am without the mask. 😢
I can relate to so much of what you say. I was a chameleon around my friends.
I wonder if I am. I feel like I've masked my whole life. I wonder if feeling like a chameleon is what autism feels like.
Buddy, 48 and just found out. Epic and peaceful at the same time.
Welcome to the club 🌈
Yeah, the very exhaustion of such way of mannering in front of others for a sake of not even remember what... Thanks for unlocking my memory longlost through period of ongoing life
I,m Autistic and was abused at school in South Africa.
I am for now self discovered AuDHD mum of 3. 2 girls ASD diagnosed in Nov 2023 at ages 12 and 14. My son of 10 is on the NHS waiting four year wait to be assessed for ADHD. I originally noticed at the age of 3 was very likely ADHD hes 10 now and has been waiting for 2 years so prob won't be seen before he is 12. I see you and I hear you. I grew up in the late 70s early 80s and all the while i was at school i too would wonder what the point of living was, my middle daughter wrote a note to her teacher because she was being bullied ssying she wanted to kill herself when she was 10! She was being bullied at the time as well and we sought a diagnosis for her and our older daughter because both have a lot of the listed traits for girls as I do. I am starting my journey for assessment soon at the age of 47. 😊
Stimming was common for me as a toddler and I look back wondering if I was showing signs of autism. I did it so much that my family began to make fun of it. 😂 but I think they just saw it as a weird quirk I had even though I still do it today.
Are you from Auckland? I love your accent and the way you talk
What has your experience been with sensory sensitivity?
Hi there 👋💚
Female, 47, New York
My name is Elena too.
You gonna do
a lot of good
in this world
Had no Idea either ❤
🙏🙏🙏
i was born in the nineties (show pictures of aliens)
I’m scared want t br financially indeendent so I can make choices and life simpler
Have not been able
Don’t know first atepa
You could work with parents of autistic children. You'd be great! ❤
That's actually what I'm thinking about studying ☺️ thanks so much
@@elenacarr0ll Excellent! I of course recommend the book by David Keirsey "Please Understand Me II: Temperament, Character, Intelligence".
way to go 💪
❤
Shes probably Rumanian or Greek
I was gonna wait until the end to comment, but I’ll forget…
I’m over here relating, go to hit like, and I’m #666 🥰
I also didn’t know why no one else was dying on the inside until today 😍 I’m in an autistic burnout
Yr being 50
Asperger’s and autism are related conditions, but they’re not the same conditions.
I understand this! But back when I was a child, the two were often blended together by playground mothers is what I’m told. We know a lot more now and no longer use the term Asperger’s 😊
@@elenacarr0ll well, I have Two daughter, my younger daughter, who has Asperger’s this is her official diagnosis. My older daughter is diagnosed with autism. back in the 1990s my older daughter was a very little girl the thing that was talked about wasn’t Asperger’s, but was autism in general here in the United Kingdom, a lot of false information was put out by the media about what autism was. I even knew a couple of parents, who children were diagnosed, but they were both boys and never went to mainstream school, there was a lot to talk about it being down to vaccinations. My older daughter was not diagnosed as a child. She literally has only just received a diagnosis after taking unbelievable eight years. If I knew what to look out, for, I would’ve pushed for it, potentially being autism, but I was totally ignorant to what autism was . She was under a paediatrician at the hospital. and even the school realised she was quite different but couldn’t put their finger on it. If she’d been a naughty child more investigation, I’m sure would’ve happened, but because she was very quiet and mild mannered, this actually went against her and led to her not being diagnosed, She then becoming very ill when she went into a teenager years because of not understanding who she was, or why she was different. My second daughter was diagnosed at the age of 11, I should point out there was a 12 year age, gap between my two daughters. I was the first person to notice what could possibly be wrong with my daughter when she was 19, after scouring the Internet for information, and doing a lot of reading. I’d like to point out, I never had a computer until my daughter was about 15 years of age, so I did not have the Internet until after this obviously. I was the first person to suggest it was autism. She started seeing psychiatrists, within a month of me suggesting it to her, then her psychiatrist also suggested it to her I never met, or had in any interaction with my daughter psychiatrist, as my daughter was living in another part of the country from me . Once I understood what autism was, then realised that I could see some similarities between my two daughters. I push the local Health Authority to have my youngest daughter tested which confirmed it was Asperger’s, but not autism.. my youngest daughter’s treatment from going to the doctors and being tested took less than one year. Because my older daughter was under adult services, and they never considered it as she was a child and took forever . So I’m not saying your experience aren’t valid, because they are your experiences. I just thought it’s important to clarify, there is a difference between Asperger’s and autism as lots of people are still ill informed about what autism is, and the fact that has a very wide spectrum.
Just so you know. In the US, the two were wrapped into the same diagnosis (ASD) and it is qualified by different support levels. What was once called Asperger’s is mostly support level 1.
@@jessicahenderson3534 autism spectrum disorder is the same here in the UK is now classified as ASD, which they’ve slowly introduced in recent years. But if you were diagnosed already with Asperger’s, your diagnosis, will stay as Asperger’s, they’re just classifying everybody as ASD now. Which if you ask me would add to the confusion of understanding what’s exactly the condition is. There are so many variables within ASD from having mild complications from autism, to it being completely severe, where you can’t communicate in any sense of form. Part of the reason they did this, was they found people with Asperger’s can have, or need more help than people would consider necessary. Here in the United Kingdom, they do not diagnose sensory issues as a separate condition. I know they do in the USA. The sensory issues that associated with autism and Asperger’s can be very overwhelming for an individual, this tends to be where a person will need more support. I did a sensory processing workshop with the NHS physiotherapist where they train parents what the different sensory issues, a person could face And to be able to identify them and the different therapies that all available to tackle them. This is where it was explained in great detail that it’s not considered in the United Kingdom as separate issue or should we say a separate condition, so no separate diagnosis is available.
In most of the world they are now the same condition. Both the DSM and the ICD combined them because doctors couldn't figure out where to draw the line between them. One doctor would say Asperger's and another doctor would say autism for the same person.
lol Try adding all this
First nothing
Then dysthymia
Depression
Add
Bipolar 2
Something else
Personality disorder
And you even wonder
BPD?
Narcissism
Gaslighting by male therapist and md famiky members
I won’t go on
By need to be reborn and start over
And finally you realize a lot almost all
I was diagnosed with 14 mental illnesses (at different times). At least 10 were wrong. Then I got diagnosed with autism at age 47. It is frustrating.
Hello
Focus on video editing.
It is quite low, edit in good style.
Because it is very important in your video. 🍠