I never realized that emotional intelligence could be a special interest. That stopped me in my tracks when he said that bc I've been obsessed with understanding my emotions and motivations as well as others' and I never realized that might be a special interest for me
I am a therapist and autistic. I think it makes me better at being a therapist because being a therapist is essentially masking to make sure the interactions are always therapeutic for the client. I already spend most of my time observing and trying to get to the bottom of emotions and behaviours, might as well use this skill professionally.
Big revelation for me as well. I strive to understand the ways other people make decisions that is so clearly different than my thought processes. Endlessly fascinating.
There is another bad side effect of masking. If you mask from a very young age, by the time you realize "hey, I'm autistic!" your sense of identity can get a bit warped.
I have experienced this to some degree. I’ve had thoughts here and there my whole life about something being different about me but usually dismissed them due to being raised in a bigoted household, and having a fear of rejection by my family or even by myself. As I’ve grown out of the hateful attitudes, I came to the realization 2 years ago at age 20 that I am autistic. Since then I’ve come to understand how much I had been masking and how little of a sense of self I have. It’s very hard but the work I’ve done to get to know myself has helped immensely, and I consider myself lucky to have realized this soon. Seeing some of the stories from people who haven’t figured out until much later in life, I can’t imagine the struggle of learning who you are and dealing with the derealization
I unmasked and was rejected and judged by family and friends. Really reenforced my already low self esteem. I'm very isolated now but I refuse to fake who I am anymore.
Yeah, I know the feeling. Same except I'm deeply depressed and alone... I've always been, but it became unmanageable, it's the reason I stopped masking, I didn't have the energy anymore. Unrelated A: I love your profile pic Unrelated B: My upvote is the answer.
The only good parties where of the physics club at uni.. Yeah we actually talked about that kind of stuff, physics, chemistry, weird philosophical stuff, random obscure topics and danced in a funny way, I miss these times..
@@samdemasi6417 thats so good to hear. yeah it really is a great feeling to finally feel understood not only by others like this awesome community here but also to understand yourself on an individual level.
Yes living my hole life feeling wrong and broken because I didn’t know that I am probably autistic. I’m on the waiting list to get diagnosed but the realization that I’m autistic and that’s why I’m this way feels so good and it have taken a lot of pressure away from me
I'm a well-educated 55 plus woman. I've spend most of my life wondering why human interaction and relationships are so difficult. Recently, I found out. If I had only know sooner I would have avoided a lot of depression, poor self esteem and lost relationships. Very thankful for what you do!
I'm 60 and seeking a diagnosis right now, ironically having spent 21 years advocating for my Aspergian youngest child. Because women present so differently, it never occurred to me, I've just always known I don't belong here, don't fit in, can't make it work really at any level. Imagine my suprrise. I now have a brain wired for anxiety, depression, and PTSD. And extreme introversion.
@@nicolarowan-brooks3641 Aw, sis. You made me tear up. I wish I could make it all have made sense to the young you (and me) and that we could have embraced our differences, even if the world at large didn't. I'm learning it now, and letting my freak flag fly in many ways. Stay in touch if it will help. You can emal me at the following, only with no spaces between the words at a gmail address. (feel like I'm speaking in code, but just trying to defeat spambots) Princess Sparkle Pants. Only if it helps, though, if the thought is stressful, don't.
I am 53 yo female and self-diagnosed at this point just within the last few months. Realizing comes with a bit of grief of the lost years, but a great weight lifted that I’m not broken just different. Now I understand the years of depression (which I now understand as emotional exhaustion from masking) and difficulty maintaining relationships.
"If people accept you for your mask, it feels like a rejection, because I feel that, if they really understood who I really was, behind the mask, surely I would be rejected." My partner is going through this at the minute, and it's heartbreaking to see from the outside. But he has masked for so long, he feels he doesn't even know WHO he is without his mask. :'(
I'm very old also, with no diagnosed condition until recently. I often tried to sort it out myself and explain all the "rules" I created to map others behavior so I could behave in a manner that would leave them acting "normal" ... if I let my guard down, it caused a reaction in others, them asking me "what's wrong" as if the other behavior is the only right behavior ... it was so complicated and then I finally learned about "masking" and I was so amazed that other people recognized this same behavior, did the same behavior, and had a real easy explanation: "masking" ... my point is that I try to not mask and sometimes nurotypical people wear me down and I give in to just speaking to fulfill their simplistic notions ... as your partner figures out each "masking" motivation and situation that caused, it is terrible to sort out because the alternative "real person" is also something with no real social experience ... and when people you know try to insist upon the old behavior, it is very rejecting, as if you are not an individual, but simply a programed robot for their amusement.
My h did this then was angry I didn’t know him behind the mask. It’s very confusing. I could feel something was off but it just messed with my mind. I get it now, and it’s too late. He felt he would not be excepted. He proved it by being called out by me when he took the mask off. The only reason he was called out was because his behavior was opposite of what he told me he was. Who I knew him as with out letting me in on what was going on. It was very very confusing and triggering for me. I would have loved to accept him as he really was. The mask mad it very hard for us. I get it, without knowing what is going on, it is a level of a lie to the other person because you are not allowed to fall in love with the real person then the energy to keep it up eats away at the relationship and hurts both of you deeply. However I understand the desire to do it. He thought I would leave him if he didn’t do it. In the end the dynamic it created destroyed us.
I have been masking so long. Really the mask is an important part of me. It’s my armour, it protected me...but I have to come to understand I don’t need the mask.
The feeling rejected for people loving your mask is beyond resonating with me. It became a joke among a small group of friends (before any of us knew about this) that when a new person would visit and meet me I would be at an 11/10 (fire all the available charm, humor, kindness guns asap!) and they would say "I know I just met you but-" and all my friends would start to laugh "I just love you instantly!" and they would laugh hysterically and I would laugh and do the whole self deprecation "who, me?" song and dance. The new person would be confused and some friend would jump in to say that this happens every time, that I'm pretty much a god of first impressions. Inside I'm shrinking, thinking "Oh no, I've done it again, how long do I have to keep this up? Forever?" Looking at this pattern with distance it's pretty ridiculous for this to happen every time. Why did I feel this need to project this awesome person so strongly from the get go, not giving anyone the chance to see me and grow their own opinion slowly? WELL, I feel I'm getting potential answers slowly...
Thank you for sharing... I'm the opposite, so the song and dance come naturally. I intentionally tone myself down, to seem "normal," but holding back... to make myself palpable creates a build up... I have literally hurt myself and made myself sick holding back, and holding in.... all of the energy and love I feel. Now.. I just want to explode love every where and on everyone 😂
This reply is coming so late from me, but you know what? I would bet you good money that even if you feel like you're being too much, people are quietly so appreciative how strong your love is! And if you haven't found those people, you deserve to. A lot of the time people just aren't used to being treated with real warmth, so they might not show appreciation, but it's so beautiful to be around someone with a lot of love to give! It reminds me of the advice "Be a fountain, not a drain." You sound like a fountain. :)@@laurie3113
I'm a Speech Therapist. I want to cry watching this. There is so much misunderstanding and force on children I see to fill their beautifully unfolding mind into a boring old box. I really wish parents are more understanding. thank you for sharing. Ur voice is the change.
Thank you for your service as a speech therapist. When I was in elementary school I was directed to see a speech therapist on a weekly basis, there at my public school in Denver. I now appreciate how much she helped me by correcting my speech impediments. It was the school that looked out for me in that way. I wish I could find her and thank her.
Sadly parents, and others for that matter, cannot truly understand because it might be literally impossible for them. Why is philosophical but based on the underlying science of the human brain. The underlying difference lies in how the neurotypical and 'autistic' brains are 'wired'. The autistic mind has many more connections, yet lost a few along the way. When I was young I felt bad for being me and wished I could be like them. Today I wouldn't trade away my GIFT to take a step back.
When Paul lost track of the conversation and..it was perfectly okay and he could simply ask where they were at and then picked up the train of thought again. It was all okay. I'm literally in tears at that simple moment. I don't even understand how that's possible to be so comfortable in a conversation
I'm enjoying the amount of staring off into space, too. Oh, that's a thing you can do during a video call? All the Zoom calls and whatnot are awful when you're expected to have video on. I know how to avoid eye contact in person. I don't know how to do it with a camera pointed at me.
Absolutely yes to all of this. I am a 28 year old female in my first year out of grad school working as a speech language pathologist. I have the privilege of working with and learning from amazing autistic toddlers/children with mild-severe support needs. I have been a highly-sensitive and intuitive person and was a nanny for a decade previous to my career. I crave solitude and a safe space to sing/dance/stim, usually only place I can is my car. I have always done this and never connected the dots until not…I am apparently conventionally attractive which I feel can be an absolute mindfuck when you are on the spectrum. I self-diagnosed a few weeks ago and the shock/relief is still fresh…I can’t wait to cultivate knowledge about myself and thus the best way to work with my kids at school.🤍 also the realization that my entire family, including adopted family members are also on the spectrum…this is going to be an interesting chapter discovering who we all really are!🤯🥳
@@aspidoscelis mobile video calls designed to avoid eye contact) If you look at the camera of your smartphone, you can't look at the face on the screen, and vice versa.
Yes! I eat the same breakfast absolutely every day and it means so much to to me ♡ I dont know how I'd ever let anyone into my daily life because although I'm rarely bored, I'm sure I'm incredibly boring to a typical. I have no interest in drinking, eating out, going to parties, etc. I could read & watch fascinating documentaries for the rest of my life. Luckily, I'm an artist, which is kind of a transparent mask. People expect artists to be strange, lol
Lockdown was no stress for me. Work from home, didnt have to go out and do things I didnt want to do. There wasnt really anything I felt was missing and I felt I gained a huge level of comfortableness which will sadly go away when I am forced back into the office.
Momentarily I'm not working, due to physical handicap, and Lockdown was the best time in my life. Alone for months felt so good. As if it belongs that way. I'm diagnosed with schizoid personality disorder and self-diagnosed with ADHD.
My job carried on as normal and I was glad I was allowed to go outside as I feel confined and bored if I stay in too long. There were some aspects of lockdown I appreciated, such as it being less crowded outdoors and the roads being much quieter.
I wish it would come back secretly, but i know it's horrible for humanity overall. Luckily i just got a work from home job, all is right with the world again.
The thing Sam said about talking about game theory hit really close. Whenever I find out people have a favourite subject, I try talk about the subject, just how I’d enjoy it if someone spoke about my special interest. I always got weird looks when I’d start going on about colour theory after being told that someone enjoyed art lessons.
@@YoSamdySam For me , it's similar to people 'just working' at a place. They don't know about their own company because they're not bothered about it on that level, it's just payment to them or something superficial.
You’re right, it is frustrating that we make the effort to talk about other people’s “interests”. I guess other people just aren’t quite as into their “interests” as we are into ours! Their job, for example, is just a means to get money, where as our special interests means everything to us! We’re always the ones making the effort, other people don’t seem to bother for us!
I find that sometimes people react well to the conversation taking a turn towards something more genuine. I can see they find it refreshing. I run an elevator occasionally, so I get a short window to chat with people and find their receptivity level. It can be really fun, and a happy discovery. It's possible that some people get off and roll their eyes once the door is closed, but many express a kind of relief or pleasure at being able to escape the normal disinterest.
My diary was either me attempting to write things I thought I was supposed to write or be feeling written with extreme paranoia that someone else will read it and judge my inner thoughts. Or I actually write what I'm thinking and I find it so embarrassing and wrong so I hate myself more and scratch out the page and any other marks on pages underneath incase someone can read it from the imprint
Are you good at reading your handwriting even if it gets messy? Then write messily so that for anyone else it would be borderline unreadable. Also in a "stream of consciousness" way so that the sentences are not so orderly, this way it would be even more so indecipherable to others. This works for my anxiety regarding the worries you've described so I thought sharing might do some good.
63 years old, learned was autistic (and not BP, OCD, ADD) last year... and I’ve masked so long it has become part of who I am whenever I am around people. It is horribly exhausting and I really thought this was what life was just like... “see people, get exhausted, come apart, get apart, recover”. Recently found my old primary school report cards, and the progression of learning to mask is so completely obvious. Hiding stims, disappearing, either doing extremely well in school or not doing school at all. I have started trying to not mask around my kids, but the switch is so automatic.
I thought I was probably the 'oldest' person finding out why I struggled masked had shut downs and struggled in making a living (existing more like!) but you are 4 years my senior !! All respect to you. I just thought I was 'too sensitive (but now i see it lends to the empathy I have), that 'I always learned the hard way' (never knew about executive functioning before!. Nowadays, through following these brilliant videos on TH-cam I am becoming more and more comfortable in my own skin. Blessings
@@johnnyaction750 me too, as long ago, I never even hear the word Autisim, but I struggled all my adult life, and the diagnosed condition finally did provide some stable platform from which to consider self and life ... compared to a lifetime of desperation, a ridiculous number of different jobs or career paths that I actually performed well at, but failed in that subtle social connection that prevents you from being first on the list when it is time to pick someone to "let go" ... . fearful social interaction trying to pull off a "normality" situation that simply meant not getting noticed for anything unusual ... all the sad mental issues are real, yet the underlying cause is from trying to adapt ourselves into the rather "stupid" world of nurotypical behavior ... being yourself doesn't bring the friends to your door, but it does eliminate the false behavior processing and the consequential drag of other people's expectations.
56, when I was diagnosed. Went through life, masking most of my actual emotions.. a series of anxiety, depression, alcohol abuse, meltdowns. Always walking on egg shells around other people . Hard. one diagnosed, it is getting better all the time, as teh Beatles would have said.
Been in psychiatric care for thirty years. 2 years sober, again. I keep hearing so similar stories to my own. So often I felt there was no one like me, but they're all around me. We aren't alone.
WOW!🤯 The safest person you can be around is yourself”🤯THAT is why we say we’d rather be alone, need solo time, etc. it’s not only because we are exhausted from Masking, subconsciously we know it’s because this is where we are safest with no one to judge us or hurt us.
Provided that one has not been poisoned with low self-esteem through massiv critics of others over years, with the final result of harsh self critic and autoagression. BUT then we can clean the house, go home (the self) and love ourselves again
I think you two need a podcast.... Discussing different aspects of the Autism spectrum and experience... I would listen to it! Informative and relaxing. And as some one who cannot be diagnosed in my state because of my age I would appreciate the insights.
Heads-up worked with autistic people for ~6 years at one of US leading and earliest facilities for them (full and day time programs). If she even has a foot on the spectrum its a pinky toe. More likely an attention seeking behavioral disorder (thus the hair). This channel is a disgrace.
@@jetrpg22 I hate comments like these. Just because something is not secious or severe enough, doesn't meant it is not there. Even if sometging is relatively mild and people can still live a relatively normal life, doesn't mean they don't have problems. And it sertainly doesn't mean they are not allowed to speak about their life and experience. Not autistic enough, not depressed enough, etc. Same goes for believes or values. Not feminist enough is also very popular. Stop that, please.
@@Nanamka Well i hate comments like yours. "And it sertainly doesn't mean they are not allowed to speak about their life and experience."Sure, and im telling you mine. You hate mine, but others are okay? You're just arbitrary. I never said she could say w/e the heck she wanted, i said I DON'T BELIEVE HER. But we all just have to listen and believe because. What you or she said so? Look at her social awareness and reflex emotive ability, hello. Its perfect, its better than most peoples. Is her problem communication not from her story. Maybe you have not come to this realization yet but reality is a real thing. Its more than just the feelings inside your head. Such as if i now just claim Autistic people are actually more social appropriate, understanding, and skilled than the normal population. I would b wrong. Its not that im am trying to shit on you, when i say you are incorrect. Autism is a label for some real behaviors and just because YOU think there should be no judgment of what those are doesn't make you right. No indeed it makes you wrong. Because autism is not just a story being told on YT but a real DISABILITY. If it in no way disables you its not that. Some people are shy and thus poor socially not all, no not even many of those people are autistic. Some people have narcissistic personality and cannot or will not control their behavior thus seek excuses and narratives justifying their behavior almost all of them are not autistic. Its a real thing that people suffer and work with and to just have people appropriating it for personal gain and attention is offensive to me. Now lets actually look, she said she was diagnosed then undiganosed when she went to uni, and then in she wasn't diagnosed until in or after uni. Pay attention now. Just listen to her, autism is now a NEW autism because she thinks so and because she is female. And she for sure isn't what the DSM would call on the spectrum. So she added to it because she could. I could do the same with anything. th-cam.com/video/ixRSb00BplM/w-d-xo.html Don't take my word for it take hers. Stims- my sister sucked her thumb forever, not autistic. My friend literally chews the sides of her fingers into wounds, not autistic. Everyone but ~5% of the population feels like they struggle as children and adolescences at making friends and fitting in. Its part of developing...Notice how she poisons the well also, lot of girls will actual show no difficulty at fitting in and masking normal behavior. BAM NOT AUTISTIC. She has no lack of facial expressions EVER EVER EVER (i get if she worked on it and got good, she is too good for this to be the case and in live streams.) She is lying or telling a lie she believes herself (self deluded). This is a joke. The psych dr that saw her at uni was 100% correct.
Listening this with tears in my eyes. I have never, in all the years I've essentially been raised on youtube, felt so SEEN. Thank you for this collaborative video. Thank you both.
Going off script in the "how are you?" scenario is something I resonate with oh so much! The best thing that happened in those terms is attending a party where someone started the conversation with "So what are you working on?" instead of "What do you do?" and it worked so much better. I could pick the project I had going at the moment. I'm sure many people will relate with their own version of that dreadlocks story. Thanks Paul. And Sam, for hosting.
“How are you “is script talk if all you are allowed to day I’m fine even if you were in pain.It would be better to say.Don’t ask the question if you don’t want to hear the truth.
I love the way the differences between men and women with autism surface in this conversation. I have watched so many men describe their struggles and some resonate with me, but the rest don't. However, when Sam starts to go into detail of her feelings and experiences, I have never felt so understood. Especially the inward return to teenage things during 2020 - really interesting! Thank you for posting this 💗
I'm one of those who answer and innocent question about my day by ecplaining everything. One time, I was in charge of taking care of my grandma while my parents were on holiday, and it really stressed me out. I met the mom of a friend of mine at the grocery store and ended up telling her about how I had to send my grandma to hostipal, and how my parents were away and all that. Somewhere I figured I was oversharing, but it was too late, because I was almost in tears. She gave me a hug and made sure I was ok, and I was so embarassed about my behaviour.
That's not actually strange. I'm from a different culture and we actually are honest when someone asks how we're doing. Maybe that's why Americans say we Poles complain too much. So through that lens, you've acted totally normal.
As a neurotypical it makes me sad that you can't talk about your social time in a work setting you cant make freinds. I dream of a world where everyone is accepted for who they are and able to connect with others.
So i spent 2 years at work worrying what people thought of me and trying really hard to be likable to them and act in ways that didn't offend them. I got fired and no one knew. I just disappeared. And NOT A SINGLE PERSON TEXTED ME TO ASK IF I WAS OK. this was a rude awakening. All the energy into worrying what they thought of me... and it turns out THEY DIDN'T. at all. It hurts a lot. But it's also a good lesson.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. I feel this so hard, I try so hard to people please and hope I'm likable. That's so devastating to receive that response (or lack of) from your colleagues. But I believe it's a blessing in disguise to leave behind an environment that didn't accept you. I hope your next environment or opportunity is so much better and accepting of your true unmasked self
I think we've all had the moment where someone tells you just to fake it till you make it and you realized you've been doing that for years and the making it has yet to happen and you decide to stop faking it. If you're never gonna make it, might as well be sane and not making it.
Ironically the person who said that to me the most was my father who is also autistic. It never worked. I guess he was just trying to cope and be socially acceptable and decided to share his coping strategies with me even though they were maladaptive.
"If they really knew who I was, no one would like me" - thats been my deepest fear my entire 55 years. Still dx'd but family and a few very autistm-fluent friends do believe that i'm on the spectrum. I'm gifted and came up w a LOT of coping mechanisms. It is exhausting.
“Before I had a diagnosis it was just called coping and fitting in and...” YES! Before I thought to get a diagnosis of ASD I’ve been diagnosis with depression etc and I was told “fake it to make it” was a healthy coping mechanism!! Waaay before I thought about getting a diagnosis I realised “fake it to make it” didn’t work! Lol! It exhausted me!! It did me head in that professionals told me to do it and I knew it didn’t work!!
Also, Sam, regarding how to gradually unmask, one of my therapists had me do an exercise in which I (while alone) was to ask myself "What do I want right now?" and then go get it. It really helped me tap in to my immediate self and needs. Little by little I could feel the genuine self getting stronger and more well defined. It didn't last long, and I'm back to being completely lost, but I think it's a good exercise nonetheless.
On the question "what did you do at the weekend" I often find I hold back what I actually did on the weekend as it usually involves recharging, mostly being indoors and maybe playing videogames or updating my family tree, but I often just not say those things!
I am a 58 year old Australian woman who has just realised I am on the spectrum………now ,it’s in my face………realising i Stim all day ,I daze , and wearing masks all day has helped me drop my mask. I do t have to smile all day and people can’t hear you so talking is less needed and so a pandemic has made me realise I’m autistic. Living alone I don’t mask and I’m a tad strange and it doesn’t matter.going to get an assessment done , next step I guess.
For me, being diagnosed at age 4, my main symptom was being quiet because I felt unsafe to express myself because all of my emotions were too extreme for people… imagine people freaking out because you were suddenly acting too happy after being silent for an extended time. I recall that happening well into my 20s. At nearly 40, I find masking is a matter of balancing quietude with polite exchanges, and allowing myself to be imperfect. Socializing has become reinvigorating, instead of exhausting… mainly because I’m no longer trying to keep pace with hyper-social 20yos and all of their toxic nonsense, but also because I’ve set appropriate boundaries for my own sake.
My favorite party small talk question is "Where is your Favorite Bridge?" I borrowed it from Hank Green and it always gets interesting answers. I hate small talk.
My also autistic wife has a list of 'ice breaker questions', none of which break the ice really, but boring people run away so it's a successful social filter, depending on your metric for success. Her favourite is "What sexually transmitted disease would you be?". Second favourite is "Who is on your zombie apocalypse survival team, and why?"
My favorite bridge is the Rio Grande Gorge Bridge near Taos, New Mexico. It's the 10th highest bride in the US. It's where my favorite romantic movie scene was shot from Natural Born Killers.
Love the question! Not necessarily my favourite bridge, but my favourite bit of bridge trivia: In the 60s, famously named London Bridge was bought for a chill 2 mill, transported to the US and rebuilt in Arizona 😄
@@longline I like your wife already! I would emideately invite you two to our house for dinner to discuss these very important questions further)))) no, really, I love such people, my former circle of friends was like that. But now I live in a different country and I miss that dearly.
@@Janacobb12 I will have to check it out! I live in New Mexico! I love learning new things and exploring New Mexico! It is so full of beauty and interesting locations.
the dreadlocks story was incredible. I grew up being a “beautiful girl” with “beautiful hair”. It was often people’s intro into talking to me. I felt like I couldn’t identify with that. I felt like there was so much more of me that people should see. I wondered how they would treat me if I wasn’t beautiful if I didn’t have nice hair or a good smile. I cut my hair off and the point in my life that I felt most rejected, different, and out of place in hopes that the world could see that I was different than the girl they were seeing on the outside. I wanted to remove the mask. It helped.
I'm having this same trauma. I've tried to fit in my whole life and it's becoming too hard. I feel so fake. Now I am so tempted to shave my head and start being myself, but the problem is idek who "myself" is
It is so strange to hear, that neurotypicals freak out when someone goes off script. Shouldn't the neurotypicals be good at it? But, I must say, it is a relief to hear that.
neurotypicals are the fucking worst at this, it drives me fucking insane lmao. 2020 really drove it to the forefront to me, watching them all lose their fucking minds because their status quo was fundamentally shaken and broken for the first times in their lives
I'm not on spectrum, but I can tell you that neurotypicals mask all the time. People have become so used to be so fake... appearing smart, appearing like theyre social justice, appearing this that. It's BS. So don't get down on yourselves. Be authentic and you will find your tribe.
The biggest victory is being true to yourself. Forget the sheeps of society. Embrace you, embrace your intelligence because you have the power to create, influence, and create the next new thing the sheeps of society will follow. Do not let expectations of society bring you down, that is a dangerous path to follow.
You two are my heroes! I also discovered my autism late in life, and just got my diagnosis at age 42. One of my biggest struggles since this discovery has been an overwhelming loneliness because I did not relate with anyone who I was trying to describe my experiences to. I felt like the only person in the whole world who felt the way that I feel. But the way you both describe your experiences feels so familiar to me, you give me hope. Thank you for sharing, I hope some day to get the courage to share my story too.
If you are able to, I highly recommend connecting with the autistic communities online (there are lots of Facebook groups, and the #ActuallyAutistic tag on Twitter). :) Connecting with other people on the ASD spectrum, has really helped me.
I am an old guy in Dallas, Texas. While researching my depression, I have discovered that I am autistic through stumbling across information online and channels like yours and Paul's. Today, I have learned more about masking than I've ever understood by listening to this conversation between you two! I am 63 and at first, I was elated by the revelation. Until today, I had started become embittered by having had find out what was wrong on my own. Learning to unmask will go a long way to helping deal and cope with my diversity. You'll probably never see this, but between you and Paul, I've learned so much and your channels have pushed me a long way toward dealing with my autism and become productive again.
I can loosely relate to there being different versions of you. I used to spend a lot of my time as a teenager online and I always felt who I am online and over text is more authentic because all the frustrating social aspects you deal with in person aren't there. I don't have to wait for my turn when speaking because in a text conversation I can finish my thoughts and chip in whenever I want. The back and forth in a physical conversation is so stifling at times. Online I can also seek out the topics that interest me and choose to engage in those subjects whenever I want. I don't have to worry that the other person isn't interested or has nothing to contribute to the conversation or think I'm weird because I'm very much into serial killers or what have you, which has been an extended subject I've been interested in since I was a child, Bec I'm just really fascinated by emotionally disturbing topics. Also, my main stims are vocal and they often involve my cats. They're something I can't bring with me outside of private situations unfortunately. I echolalia my cats a lot, I speak to them in general and I make up silly words, I sing to them about them in often not quite so flattering ways and the list goes on. I also talk out loud a lot. When Sam mentioned how she immediately quit stimming when her husband noticed her I felt that because it's something I do a lot as well. I don't think I was scolded either, I just noticed it wasn't considered appropriate behavior and it made me scared to be caught doing it. I really struggle to keep up too much of a persona though because I just don't have the mental fortitude to pay that much attention to my environment when I am in a social setting. Most of my energy just goes into not saying things that are inappropriate or rude, because those are things I've often been criticized over. Like Paul I really started to work on my EQ because as I matured I realized I hated hurting people. My strong empathy is such a double-edged sword because I often feel guilty if I'm acting too much like myself because I'm so afraid of pushing people over just because I don't have sufficient tact. I don't even know why it bothers me so much but I suppose it's rooted in a feat of social rejection. I have alexithymia so vocalizing these things aren't easy. Paul having EQ as his special interest also makes so much sense! It's so interesting how many of us who slipped through the cracks often end up with a skill set to compensate for our social weaknesses. I went and became a social anthropologist because that gives me a good excuse to ask weird questions and be overly intrusive about human social behavior without being weird about it. It also provided me with many interesting theories and models why people socially behave like they do. I could never pursue a career as an anthropologist but my interest in the social sciences has always stayed with me and my expertise within different social areas of the social sciences just keeps expanding. Current I'm mostly deep diving into politics, especially fascism and the rise of the far right, but related to that is racism and before that it was gender theory, queer theory and transgender studies. Before that it was about masculinity studies and music. All of this just because I felt like I couldn't understand other people or myself as a person and why I felt so different.
This was such an enlightening conversation!!! I'm recently "self diagnosed" ASD/ADHD and working to get evaluated, and it's kinda scary how every single thing Sam says has me nodding and exclaiming "EXACTLY!" I can't eat the same thing for two meals in a row, lol. I never knew that chewing my nails, biting my lip, playing with my necklaces, spinning my rings, clicking pens (and constantly breaking the clips off) was stimming. I'm also trying to get back into music and the things I loved as a teen before I started hardcore masking, and allowing myself to use color as self expression (which I love!) I'm trying to stop having over-animated conversations with too much laughing to compensate. I'm becoming more aware of all the things I try to suppress to appear "normal." It's scary, but also empowering. Thank you for having this conversation, putting yourselves out there, and helping me feel less alone.
After reading this I think I need to follow your example. I’m going to set aside some time and energy to try and remember more about myself when I was younger, and what I liked then. I’ve been looking for ways to stop masking (I’m also self-diagnosed Asperger’s/ASD, and working on being officially diagnosed) and maybe this will help me.
@@gido9467 I have to add that marijuana has been life changing for me and has helped propel me on my journey. I feel like it gently removes my mask, alleviates my anxiety, and helps me to see, experience, and understand the world in a more open and relaxed state. I recently saw a video that said using psychedelics causes your brain to use different neural pathways, which actually mimics the way children’s brains work. I don’t know if that’s scientifically accurate, but in my experience, it’s absolutely spot on.
@@Kirby_Lyn I agree completely! When I first started using marijuana it usually just made things funnier, or it made me extremely paranoid. Once I eventually started using it during moments of self-exploration I realized it was taking down walls and blockades I’d put up over the years. I cried harder than I had in decades while extremely high, thinking about my childhood, and finally giving weight to the things that I’d experienced. Marijuana has been invaluable in that regard.
I have a daugther 10 years old. She uses to visit a family twice in a month. The mother in this family know my girl for about 5 years now. Finally My daughter got a diagnose, so we can understand and help her. About this family. They are very social and There's is many meetings and birthdays and stuff. My daughter get tired, quiet and bored. This family try to engage her and kind of press her to be there. When my daughter has Not a very clear expression in her face, they said to her "put a smile in your face". I get worried about it. I reacted strong to this and I try to understand that This family wants a "happy, please girl", Without Understanding thoughts and feelings. They have good intentions maybe and They want my girl being accepted in social context, but To Teach her to fake a smile with them is not good for her mental health. Sorry about my English. Hugs from Norway 🍁
Is there no choice in this matter, that she is compelled to visit them and you are helpless to have a say in it even as her parent? I would object strongly to anyone teaching my kid that they must smile to please others when they don't feel like smiling. Girls especially are treated this way in many societies: expected to appear always happy, always pretty, never serious, to please others. This teaches them that their own feelings are less important than other people's, and that they are a type of servant to others socially. I hope you have the right as her parent, to remove her from those visits. But I also hope you talk with her, explain that she is not obligated to do this. Ideally though, getting her out of the situation would be best, particularly if she is young and more likely to be deeply affected by those expectations of her.
I'm sure it is worse for girls, but I remember being an undiagnosed child and experiencing things like what you describe very frequently. It was harmful to me - it taught me that how I really feel isn't good enough, and I should do whatever it takes to make others happy or comfortable. Later in life those beliefs became destructive. Parties should be fun. If someone (especially children, and doubly true for those on the spectrum) isn't enjoying themselves they should be free to leave. Being forced to remain in an overestimulating or otherwise uncomfortable environment is not healthy on any level... at least for me.
Friendly reminder to be patient with yourself. Sometimes we make mistakes in social situations and it can feel extremely humiliating. Know that it is not a reflection of who you are. It does not make you a freak. It quite simply means you just misread the situation. It's not a big deal, and it's going to happen from time to time. View it as a learning experience. When we beat ourselves up over mistakes like this, it is only going to make us more socially awkward which is not productive. Allow yourself the freedom to learn through making errors, and enter social situations with an open mind and a willingness to understand. Don't be too hard on yourself when people don't understand you. They're just different, and that's perfectly okay. Hope this helps someone because it has been helping me greatly.
It seems to me that pretty much everyone has an ‘image’ a ‘persona’ that they play out in the world (whether they realize it or not). Behind closed doors, many are different, or would like to be. That is why we like Pets, because they accept us for who we really are. I’d say that autistic people just get fed up with playing the facade a lot quicker then average people. They find more value and satisfaction in being their real self, being truthful.
YES! Very much me. I literally have no idea how much I am masking, because 6 decades of doing it are a bit challenging to undo. Truthfulness is a quality I still have problems with. Sometimes, I wills ay something bleedingly obvious, and everyonee around me looks uncomfotable. I didn't realize I was supposed to pretend that things weren't _____ however they were. *sigh* Still hard, but it is good to know the reasons. At least I find a little bit of comfort there.
We also have to use a lot more 'facade' to fit in than NTs because (at least from my experience) none of these things come naturally and go against any instinct we have
@@cockycookie1 tics, compulsions, conversations; all of which are so difficult and having to mask a compulsion sent me over the edge. I’ve not been diagnosed with autism but I have been for OCD. There’s a huge overlap between the two though and I believe people with ocd are either 4 or 6 times more likely to have autism
When Sam said that she was told to stop biting her nails and stop fiddling I totally get that. I used to bite my nails as a child and fidget all the time. I was constantly told to stop and that they were bad habits that I needed to control. There were so many times and things that I did as a kid that I was told wasn't socially appropriate and that I needed to control or "will" myself out of. I now know that they were my ways of easing anxiety or extreme boredom.
Foot tapping, hair chewing, nail biting were all ways to deal with sitting down all day in school which is basically torture to me. While raising our kids from ages 1-11, we had no couch and no dining table cuz, like, who the hell sits down in an ADD family? We all were making things or just running around or exploring or hiking or climbing or teaching Zumba and came home/inside just to eat standing up in the kitchen and then fall over into bed asleep! Also, pre Netflix streaming, we had no TV in our house for 18 years…cuz who wants to SIT and watch stupid crap and irritating commercials!!?? We all love to learn by Doing…not by watching. Now realizing we’re all on the spectrum…hence all the eating issues. Nobody can tolerate the sound of chewing or the clank of a fork on a plate or the smell of someone elses food or seeing/touching a gross dirty plate. Paper plates saved our sanity!!! Yes my kids sat in bed as teens playing minecraft and the Sims all day n night. Before that ages 4-12 we read a zillion books to them starting with all the Harry Potter and Percy Jackson…all laying down in the king bed. Life in a neurodivergent family….
I never thought about stims because I had the stereotype in my head. But after listening to yourchannel I started to revisit my memories, and I realized I used to do the same movement with my hair all the time when I was a child, to the point my father used to say to me "stop doing that with your hair"... then at school I had an urge do draw abstract lines and "nothing-stuff" in my nootebooks, school books covers, anything.. I kept doing it till college, I draw and draw and sometimes teatchers called my atention and I used to say "Oh it helps me pay attention"... never thought this could be stiming. I also had lollipops in my mouth for some years in school. During high school when i was anxious ou nervous i used to cut paper with my fingers in little pieces, any paper i could have at hand. And during college I developed what I now think is a stim.. I put a pendant of a necklace I always wear on my lips, not inside de mouth, and run in from right to left, left to right, in the lips, while concentrating.. then I stopped doing that..and began to press my teeth against each other, creating pain in my face muscles, trying to deal with tension. last days , realizing I need to be doing something, I let it more loose , and I noticed i've been pressing my teeth less! So I guess it was a 'masked stim'.. somehow.. don't know if makes sense
I knew I was "odd" and "different" pretty early in life. I had the first inklings in first grade at primary school, where they did some tests - puzzles and things like that - and then called my mother to the school to have hushed conversations about me, after which I was moved up a grade. I was put into a gifted class in year 5 and 6, and even they found me strange. One of my classmates later wrote an autobiography, and commented on the strange boy in that class. Another buttonholed me at a school reunion to apologise for how she and everyone had treated me. It was at about this time that I started to make a conscious effort to study human interaction, devouring textbooks on body language, how humans communicate and think, and how to make friends; studying TV shows and movies and trying to systematise things like eye contact and conversational "rules"; practising facial expressions in the mirror, that sort of thing. My parents were not exactly supportive. My father, as well as being a depressive with a violent, hair-trigger temper, was also on the spectrum though neither he nor I knew it at the time. My mother would never encourage me in anything ("you came second in your year? Surely they don't give a prize for that?), though she would point out my flaws ("eye contact!") as well as calling me names like "Baleful", based on my resting face. She later explained to me that she no longer felt guilty at not loving me, as I was "a boy no-one could love", which was pretty hard. All of this was a spur to learn how to pass, and be diplomatic and affable and a small target. By the time my parents threw me out after I finished school I was a pretty convincing replica of a human, and over 30-odd years since I think I have it down pretty well. It is tremendously draining still, and I really have to be careful with activities which I know will be challenging, so as not to push too far and risk the mask slipping. Things like networking and office parties and so on are a particular strain, and I really can't take them for long, without feeling like I am going to lose it or be found out. I have tried revealing myself to trusted people outside the family a couple of times. It has generally not gone well. Even my wife was not happy, though I suppose it helped her to understand a few things. I guess that if I'm really to have a true relationship it is necessary for people to know, but the problem is that I face the choice: they like this version of me, the mask, and they probably won't like to know that they've been fooled.
This sounds soooo familiar to me, (almost every experience posted here). But even though we may struggle and have difficulty socializing with the world in general, we can still entertain ourselves well enough with our insatiable appetite for knowledge -which Aspies share-since we often possess an intellectual over-abundance to counteract our emotional lack. And it does help to have found like-minded persons to relate to in community forums such as these. Thanks to all for sharing and to our hosts for providing the venue.
That is good insight. There’s a saying that it is easier to fool people than convince them that they have been fooled. How sad that your mother thought you were unlovable. My mother I think was on the spectrum and touch was NOT her love language but she didn’t make me feel unloved just occasionally tiresome.
Thank you. For years i had thought I had dissociative identity disorder due to severe trauma. I never knew who I was I saw myself as a method actor that could never be my authentic self. I see now that masking was a more simple explanation.
DID would cause you to have periods where you don't remember anything or you'd feel the switch between the different personalities happening. Masking is nothing like that. Did you actually look into it?
Why can't method acting with sincerity be included in "my authentic self" I've been like this forever since I learned to play the social game, how is this not a genuine part of me?
Thank you for mentioning and talking a bit about the black community and other minority communities and this issue. Ya'll were on point. I think this point about masking for safety while being a minority out in the public, is very true for women as well, masking for safety. Very good point and I appreciated it. Oddly enough I believe I've masked so well in my 26 years, that I was a 'punisher' to my mom without realizing what I was doing. In the end your channel is helping me realize that my mother has indeed showcased autistic tendencies throughout her entire life and I have too, but we both hadnt realized that (well I have, not sure if she accepts it, but that's for her own journey wether she does or not). We would philosophize and "complain" about similar things, and I could always relate to her, but I also found it hard to accept her, as I realized and could see how society and most people "dealt" with her. I ended up just doing the same 'punishing' thing which sucks! But that's the journey I guess. I definitely am feeling more immense acceptance, understanding, and love for her (and myself) now than I ever have all because of doing further research about this, as I suspected she or I might be on the spectrum. It's really interesting! You are helping us so much out here! Also, realized her incessant picking of various areas of her skin, is something my sister and I picked up, and now is something I am having trouble with stopping, or rather, 'changing.' I really like that concept to try something else as opposed to completely suppressing the need to stim. It was clearly one of her stims, along with quite a few others. But this one is really damaging my self esteem in my early adulthood. So I love and appreciate the suggested other ways of stimming like using thinking puddy! Lord I really need to try that as I have recently realized I tend to do it when I'm thinking or am spacing out and need to do something with my hands while I do that, and particularly moreso when my thoughts are revolving around something stressful. So I will be trying that! I also love to knit and should get back into it! I went through a period where I brought it everywhere I went but then stopped for some reason. So I will revisit that. THANK YOU for ALL of your videos! This has been hugely insightful for my own journey figuring out the "game" that is life and not feeling completely alien while here, as well as helping me grow my self esteem and self-understanding, and healing areas of my relationship with my mother. Thank you! Much Love here! Keep going!🤗👌🏼🧡
Both of you seem more mentally stable than the average person. Most people cannot sit down and carry on an intellectual conversation like I'm hearing here. I could not do this. However, there are times when I feel everyone around me is hopelessly delusional (I'm in America), or at least much more delusional than I am. For some reason, delusional thinking has become normalized. But I pay a much greater penalty just for being socially awkward.
Bc being asperger doesnt mean to have a mental illness or some shit like that. We are quite logical and we are 100% for solutions instead of just drowning in a glass of water. We like to feel in control, we need to, so we use our amazing brain to try to be free from our own paradigms. But yeah, neurotypicals are super neurotic af. I'm also in America, because America is a two continent, and here normies are quite delusional too. "normal" people is usually fucking stupid, but hey, they are people so they have the freedom to live with their head in their ass if they want to.
this doesn’t seem weird at all for people with autism??? Something you’re interested in + deep conversation with someone who reciprocates that, I could do that for a good while. I’d need an alone break though at some point 😅. Maybe not all autistics but yeah idk why you find it so weird
You two, you guys, you are both just so good at connecting the personal mico experiences to the overall presentation of experiences. I laughed here, and I teared up. It's early days for me (at 40) as I'm starting to appreciate how all this has shaped my life without me knowing. You two are both awesome, and I'd love you to colab more often, even if only 3 or 4 times a year. The cocktail of your perspectives and the different ways you ask questions, the result is rich and humane. Love you both, and thank you.
I agree, you guys made a great pair. No interuptions, just additions, and both caring and very pointedly connecting. I think thats just how Autisticpeople are, or how anyone is whenconciously speaking about something so dear to them.
I relate to you so much Paul. I used to have hair down to my waist but wore it in a bun every day. Occasionally when I wore it down people told me how pretty my hair was and that they didn’t know it was so long. A light bulb finally turned on, and I realized my hair is long for other people and I resented getting ready. Now I have a very short pixie cut and I could not be happier, my mask is almost totally off.
Sam, I've been watching your videos for about a year now! I was misdiagnosed as bipolar but recently diagnosed Autistic and ADHD at the age of 33. You've helped me tremendously. Thank you! I feel so validated. 💗
Whenever I'm thrown into a new circumstance (a new class I took in university, a new job I started), I picked out one person that I liked (their mannerisms etc.), studied them thoroughly and then mimicked them to a tee. That's how I got through life.
I’m 62, after looking up what autism/Aspergers in concerning someone I know it became a great awakening about my own life as so many thing fit like a glove. When I tell friends, two of which have a degree of some sorts in psychology disagree with me (who probably have low education on high functioning autism/Aspergers). Every time I watch your videos, I am more convinced. I have been so more of accepting of myself and more at peace. I with I could get a diagnosis but I know it would not be possible with my low finances and unlikely availability of finding such a person qualified to make a diagnosis. In my day with no internet and ignorance among teachers, i have hearing loss included, I was just considered dumb. Even in my adulthood. But it was not what it appeared to them and I had no way of expressing anything to them as I did not understand myself at the time. I learned to do a lot of masking and still do with those who do not accept me as I am.
Ah yes, that dang common question! I work as a cashier and I started asking it more (when I was working, and I return to work soon)... and I didn't even want to, it just filled a silence and I thought people wanted to hear it... so that's one aspect of my mask, after listening to this and agreeing, I'm going to stop asking it, unless it's someone I really know personally + I really want to know, or whatever.
It does really irk me these days though that I essentially have to lie in order to be acceptable. I’ve done the thing about ‘my back hurts so I just need to walk around a bit’ thing, or saying I’m cold because I like to have my arms crossed/folded a lot of the time. Also I feel all this draws more attention to me which I HATE.
Thank you. I'm crying. I have been questioning whether I am autistic since I first saw a "female" autism checklist and this video (on top of being able to work remotely in 2020) has finally helped me understand the ways I have been masking my whole life.
Thank you so much this has been so informative and I am starting to realise that I am probably autistic....feeling like I have masked all my life and after having hit a breaking point and being forced to stop and reflect in my life a lot is coming out....perhaps this explains why I lack close relationships other than that of my immediate family.....it has been a raw and difficult but necessary awakening....
Although I am not autistic I can really relate a lot to many of Paul’s experiences. At 50 I have recently been diagnosed with ADHD and after extensive reading and visiting many forums I was shocked to learn how different the actual lived experience of it is to the general societal “understanding” of what it is. I can so relate to how exhausting socialising can be, people looking at me weird for staring over their shoulder when I talk, when I vague out or walk around to process ideas and the constant awareness and pressure of trying to “act normal”. I early on learnt techniques and scripts to cope with social situations.
I feel at some point we will see there are more autistic people of what we think because we will notice some man are also able to mask and we will be able to identify more autistic people of what we are being able to diagnose nowadays. Thank you very much for the video, I can't stress enough how useful it has been for me.
this video made me have so many realizations about myself. before my diagnosis I always thought there was something wrong with me because I would be so tired after doing things. people would want to do things after work and I'd make excuses not to because I need to lay down in a dark room for an hour or more after work. for a long time I th9i had some type of fatigue disorder or sleep disorder (I do have that too lol) but I now know it's because masking is so tiring. there's nothing wrong with me being more tired than other people!
I get exhausted, but not actually physically tired, more like mentally tired, even with visiting family members who I love and enjoy seeing. The more people, the quicker I get overstimulated and get anxious and jittery til I can barely sit still. And I have to cut the visit short. I make an excuse and go home or to my room to be alone. Ive always been this way so my family just assumes it's a weird quirk I have. I doubt anyone in my family realizes what the real problem is, which is the supreme effort it takes to mask. It's kinda weird cuz my mom will later remark that she could see I had had too much and needed to go. And God forbid, I can't get away. I become miserable. I don't want any interaction and basically start to shut down. I zone out and ignore conversation around me, answer in monosyllables, get irritated by the least little thing.
Thanks, Sam. You've got me thinking about things. Do "people" really want to hear a specific answer when they ask me a question such as, "How are you?" or "Where you from?"? People seem to be OK with the strange (but honest) answers I give to these very difficult questions, because I am entertaining. Now, I don't think that I'm TRYING to be entertaining, but I am this way. Even these most banal of questions 9 times out of 10 quickly develop into lively discussions about me, the other, our general condition, art, hopes, dreams etc. A friend of mine (we live in Germany) visited my home town, Brooklyn, with me a few years ago because I had told him that everyone there is just like me: friendly, real, playful, out of the box - very different to the customized behavior I've gotten to know here - and he wanted to go to a town with 4.5 million Howies. I took him everywhere and he was able to do a lot by himself - a big step for him - and we had a great time. I had a lot of fun with my compatriots and with him, that summer. It was, after all, my party. About a half of a year later we were in the pizzeria talking about our vacation and he said, "Y'know, Howie, the people in Brooklyn are not like you, at all." This stopped me ice-cold. "But....", I began stammering. He continued, "They were just startled by you. You were really enjoying yourself and you were showing the people a good time." I didn't know this and had never looked (and never really cared). I sometimes go shopping here in Germany with his son who gets a kick out of how people enjoy me at the grocery store - mostly because I am having a good time singing with the tomatoes, pushing my cart and expressing excitement over the price of cheese to others while making recommendations and asking strangers for advice (talking back to the announcement-advertising coming out of the loudspeakers is also fun). I never thought that this was strange. It's wonderfully enjoyable and desirable and I'm glad I'm me. I'm very grateful to a colleague of mine who, after I had withdrawn a proposal because the organisation to whom I had offered it was too slow and inflexible, told me, "That's not how you make friends, Howie." As usual I was shocked at this statement and asked him to expound on what he meant by this. "We are playing this game," this younger man lectured me. "I will like you if you act as though you like me." Recognizing the veracity of this statement made me laugh for days and, although the last thing from his mind was to help me, he did just that. Once I was hurt, badly, when at a bus-stop a girl began to dance while humming a song. I had just decided to dance, too, when her mother told her to stop immediately before people think her to be crazy. I don't think I got on that bus. Of course I know that she killed her daughter just then, right in front of my eyes. I did manage to tell her that I thought she was being unduly cruel to her 6 year-old, despite my tears. Nothing on your video or those from others I've viewed from Multineurological whatever sounds particularly strange or foreign to me. All those words could very well be coming out of my own mouth except the expressed feelings of pain, terror and hurt at the hands of others. Going from crying to laughter depending upon what is going on in my fantasy is extreme and enjoyable - even when riding the train. I'm glad to be me. Thank you me. I wish you very well and lots of joy. Thanks for the video.
Wow I love that script, “pass, next question” I do agree that it feels aggressive when it’s really just assertive. I’ll try to keep it in mind to test out for myself and see how it feels
Okay so I recently discovered this channel and others like it and I just want to cry. These are the exact discussions I've wondered internally, and failed to articulate to others since childhood. I'm 34 now, and finally researching the possibility of having Asperger's. Holy hell everything just...clicks. I've tried to understand what's "wrong" with me and people in my life just write it off as being eccentric or quirky or awkward or obsessive. Which is fine I guess, as I got used to it. But I've mentioned possibly Asperger's and no one seems to be taking me seriously. Like, at all. I'm trying to get the courage to get diagnosed but now I'm just scared I'm wrong and everyone around me had a right to not take me seriously 💔 At the very least, I feel like I found the most authentic introspective people who I can finally talk to without me having the underlying need to express the gravity of my words and empathy. Or even apologize when I say and do things I don't realize isn't "normal."
Omg "emotional intelligence as my special interest" This is my number one masking technique! As a fellow autistic, I feel so heard with this podcast! Bravo you two!
Can so relate to this!!...never had the confidence ...have always thought 'if they really knew me they wouldn't want to know ' and would only socialize when I had the energy unless they were trusted friends and family. Now Ive realized thro these videos that this is masking..I know what I'm dealing with!! My confidence is building (albeit slowly) knowing I'm part of a wonderful neurodiverse community...I totally respect you guys your humour, commitment and authenticity. Thanx!
: I have been using the past few months of isolation, to help me learn how to connect to my inner self, bc the “masking to fit in “ was making me feel so sad - bc the masking in and of itself - is experienced as self rejection/ self condemnation. I realized - I was trying so hard to please others to such an extreme - I never allowed my true self to come out & interact as my true self in the world .. I am working on reclaiming all the rejected parts of myself . And I’m giving myself permission to be myself 😃
Wow, I found this inspirational and inspiring. I am 74 years old and love learning about subjects like this. I found this post educational and a wonderfully entertaining tool. Thank you so much, it is an awakening to understanding knowledge is power. You are true teachers of understanding the emotional intelligence of human beings living with Asperger's.
We're literally the most beautiful souls in a world filled with hatred and wars. Hopefully, we can help the rulers of our societies to open their eyes to what true love really is 💖
You talk about your dreads as a way to interact with people. I on the other hand have almost always had a beard. and this spring i got my diagnosis and I let it grow very long. It feels like a sheild, protection against the world. And i can correct my beard and stroke it and feel some comfort from myself like a stim. And by the way You two rules!!!!!!!!
The sheer amount of times I had to rapidly tap the screen to rewind 40-50 seconds because my neurodivergent-ass (ADHD & Autism) is unable to concentrate while also relating to myself, gotta take the video in stages and bite sized pieces😂. So nice watching and listening to people that are able to put what I feel day to day into such understandable words.
I relate so much to the suppressing of emotional reactions. I started going to a therapist for it and he was so soothing that literally the first session I let it all out, session two I let it all out again, session three I didn’t mask at all, and there hasn’t been a session four because just those three sessions helped me enough to put me on the right path to figuring out who I actually am and taking off my mask more regularly. I’m not worried about loosing friends because I don’t have many. I’ve already told all of them I’m sure I’m autistic and they’ve been very ok with it. I guess I wasn’t very good at masking around them after all. 🤷🏼♀️ it helps that they are all a bit weird in their own ways. None are autistic, but anxiety, ADHD, etc are all common in my small group of friends and that helps.
Actually it’s really nice hearing you guys referring to us autistic people as a community, makes me feel part of something where usually I don’t have any sense of belonging, thanks heaps.
My two most favorite youtoub persons on the spectrum having a conversation on autism. So spot on. Thank you. You both are great! But together just simply fantastic!! This was very helpful
Assertion vs aggression is so hard to understand I feel like. I struggled for years to start being assertive and understand it's not aggression. I am so lucky to have had some of the close friends I had growing up, because they are were I learned to be assertive and see how they react to understand that they didn't feel like it was aggressive, or if they did; I could usually dive into the emotion I triggered and explain or apologize for it. Video games eventually helped me learn this too so I could employ some of the practices you said professionally. I think the biggest thing that helped me learn this though was love, in the many ways we encounter it in life. The times in life where I could have changed someones life, or even helped save it had I just had the courage and confidence to be more up front with the emotions I knew to be true; these moments will always be there with me. But I digress, this video is amazing, I have been asking myself if I'm on a spectrum for the last few years and these channels have been so incredibly validating it's incredible. Thank you both
learning to not be ashamed of your 'differentness' or even learning to be proud of yourself, your perspective and the things you like, to the point where other people's approval means little is very powerful
It's pretty great actually. Masking doesn't have to be inauthentic, it's like acting. Masking for the right reasons which makes me and others have a smooth time. I'm often a very honest, charismatic bullshit artist. It takes more bandwidth to regulate what I'm perceiving and how I think I'm being perceived. But I've gotten so accustomed to it I'm just hella mind ripped 🏋️ The downside is that if highly threatened, the same skillset is often used to manipulate to create safety, for example getting pulled over and needing to get through the experience without getting hurt or arrested
This is one of the most enlightening videos I have watched. I had my first meeting with a local "specialist" today. I was a bit shocked. He did have an extensive questionnaire asking all sorts of questions. I guess it is supposed to be hard to get in to see him. He ended our appointment with saying, yes, I am taking your case. I am going to have some of my staff administer some tests, four hours worth and then I will see you for an hour and give you a diagnosis. Watching this is like putting on the most wonderfully fitting shoes. I want more of your discussions. What you are saying is really assuring. Yo Samdy, your recognition of your, "Hey, I'm autistic!" moments are really funny!
Two of my favorite Aspie’s. 💞 Thank you both so much for the great content. “Masking was just called coping.” Umph. Felt that bit on a physical level. Looking forward to the summit.
Maleah Jacobs Don't tell the The Aspie World that. He so narassitic he thinks that he most subscribed autistic you tuber he is the most popular he's not. I hear that a lot do get annoyed by Dan. He does everything social media. Tik Tok. And his channel is an first 2 minutes self promotion to his channel. And skippable ads. But sadly during the Samdy break. The Aspie World is only channel that doesn't have a break. Also I'm angry at Dan that he showed no empathy during lock down for the all the people that died during lock down. The whole world has been affected by this pandemic it not just those us autistic routine out the window. The whole routing went out the window. And there work stop which pays the bills puts food on the table. "All lives matter".
Tracey #RealVegan I know the guy in the video Paul he is great. So Dan. There is channel called The Aspie World he has 127k subs. He is from UK. I though everyone in the autism community had heard of his channel. Well I was wrong. Sorry, My comment doesn't make sense.
Gary Francis Dan’s channel does my head in. So much stopping and starting, it really grates on my nerves. However, it was a video of his where he interviewed a female autistic that gave me my enlightenment moment.
This video moved me to tears. First time in my life I've seen two such eloquent people that show how the neurodivergent experience can look like when it comes to masking. I'm a high masking AuDHD male and this is groundbreaking for me. I finished all my schools up to masters degree with great results and was very quite liked socially because I was masking and larping almost NON-STOP. Hovewer I always felt almost like a different species entirely, like there is such a difference in how I see world and how others experience it. I'm on my journey now to become fullly ok with my authentic expressions and behaviors and its such a relief. Thanks again @Aspergers from the Inside & @Yo Samdy Sam for this brilliant conversation!
oh boy... the part about being unable to say you're fine if you're not... I felt that. Usually I find ways to not answer the question at all because I know the person doesn't care, or if they do they're gonna question me and last thing I want when I feel like shit is to have a conversation -_-
12:30 this just blew my mind as a black woman on so many levels. I’m currently trying to get assessed for autism because I suspect that I have it and one of things that makes me believe so is experiencing burnout from masking so long. I worked 7 years straight before the pandemic and I heavily relied on my appearance as apart of my persona. I wore my natural hair for most of my life before I started working, when I realized ppl would treat me differently due to how I talked and how I carried myself, from one job to another, I changed my appearance and how I would talk to ppl, I heavily relied on wigs even though I hated the way they felt on my skin. Each wig was like a new mask and without it I felt like everyone could see the real me, the same with makeup-it literally feels like a mask on your face but that’s what I did so I could fit in. Not only did I have pressure just from being black in a predominantly white area, but I was terribly weird and awkward and I had to suppress all of it if I wanted to keep a job. When the job got too overwhelming, I blamed it on the customers and coworkers and I would quit before they could “fire me”(I always told myself that they would fire me if they knew the real me). I know so many non-autistic black ppl have dealt with this, so much we call it code-switching, but for me I could barely even manage to do that as the years went on. I have a very odd speech so I didn’t sound like anyone around me, so the wig and makeup for so many years was a way for me to cope through these environments, it helped me fake it until I couldn’t anymore. The intense anxiety I felt by masking almost felt like life or death, I knew the only way I could get jobs or make friends was by faking it. I couldn’t stim physically or even vocally, I had to hide everything.
Thank you for this video! It just shed TONS of light on these things in my own life. Paul’s life story has 95% overlap with my life. Good to learn these behaviors now have official words “Masking, “Stim”, etc. Been doing both my whole life - physical and virtual. Going to start the education process with friends, family, and work, with this very video. This will be my “come out” moment at 53 years old. So folks can hopefully learn I’m not intentionally annoying. I used to just refer to my Autism as “The Curse of Intelligence”. Seeing all these minute details around me that no one else is seeing. Sounds to the layman, like a superpower, right? Until you tell them those “tiny details” includes unfortunately FLAWS - in personality, processes at work, etc. Within about 90 seconds into meeting a new person or group, you see 40 good traits and 40 problems, and the problems all look HUGE to you. My brain is immediately cataloging all the IQs in the room, and personality types / disorders: That person: 140 IQ & HPD. That guy: 135 IQ and OCD. That girl: 142 and SAD. The guy: 110 IQ masoganist Alpha. That guy 105 IQ & Narcissism Disorder. Etc. It’s a nightmare, frankly!!!! I’ve had trouble at my Web Development jobs because of this. First 6 months to a year at jobs, I’ve always had to go into my shell, and plug my ears and hum. Now I know it has a term. Masking. Thank you! School was always hard for me. When I take IQ tests, I get all by the last question right (148). I was put in “Gifted and Talented” program in elementary school. But I was also having outbursts at recess in 3rd grade. So they also stuck me in “speech class” which was really just relaxation exercises. Now I accomplish that same thing thru mastering new hobbies: Skiing, Gym, MTBing, Photography, Motorcycle Racing, learning a new instrument or Programming Language. My first career at age 22 was managing beach-front hotels at the Jersey Shore. (A HS buddy owned the Aqua Beach Resort in Wildwood Crest, NJ, and hooked me with a job.) I had no prior exp in that business, but as soon as I got there, all I saw around me was utter CHOAS!! 20 process problems, 20 immoral Customer Service policies, etc. Every problem looked enormous to me, I’m thinking, “This is just common sense stuff! How are these people not seeing these things as problems? How is this hotel even making $1 let alone the $30,000,000 they’re making”?. I immediately try to fix them, of course, and got denied repeatedly, for about 2 years. Very conservative family owned it. “This is just how we’ve always done it. Therefore: valid.” Then, they did eventually yield, and thank me 3 years later. It doesn’t ever occur to people they may have Stephen Hawking on their hands. (I was just fired again from a Software Engineering job for unmasking. I had some impulse-control issues in meetings. Me trying again to fix problems no one else is seeing. ) I’ve always been the one solving the hardest problems in the company, when I have the support I need to do the extremely deep dives into things that I like to do. Deep dives take time! Being the most well-researched person in the company, also takes time. I'm constantly mentally working on the problems, even on nights and weekends. About 5 years ago, I figured out the succinct way to describe Masking. I’ve started referring to this as “doing parody”. That’s exactly what it is. You’re putting on a show of someone who isn’t you. From age 18 to 23, I was a gigging Hair-Metal musician in the 80s. Having hair down to my waist, was the ice breaker I could never do myself in social situations. I LOVED MY HAIR! It become an incredibly useful tool to get me in with the cool kids. When I show people a pic of my bands these days, I go, “This is most accurately described as a Computer-Nerd, Band Geek outcast, doing PARODY of a badass for 5 years.”
I feel like every identity I've ever put on is a parody. Athletic intellectual. Hair covering homeschool Mom Bipolar antisocial rebel Divorced cougar Etc
This is the best masking discussion I’ve ever seen anywhere by anyone. You two are able to communicate effectively and efficiently, the video was packed with insight I’ll review again and again. ❤️
i'm crying as I write this...so much of your experiences fit my 40 years on this earth. Diagnosed with ADHD as a child, never fit in, cant hold relationships, I still cant drive a car. Your channels are opening my eyes to so many of my own life events. Thank you so much for all your doing. Need to learn more, but your changing my whole view on my life. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
I think I've more often just avoided sharing much personal information at all (probably because of reactions I'd gotten) and found that people take issue with it because I'm not open enough. Then I'm too secretive and people don't trust me. I had to learn to talk about myself more. Now on topics I like that aren't me, I'm much more inclined to overtalk.
It is like a handshake or a greeting ritual. Literally, it’s How are you? Fine, thanks. How are you? If you put your hand out for a handshake, and the other person starts massaging your hand, then that’s the “wrong” response. Both people meet hands in the middle for a brief handshake. That is all “How are you?” question is.
@@Etuffly I think many also accept "How are you?" as a response to question "How are you?" because that's literally handshake protocol for start of the discussion. It makes zero logical sense but neurotypical people seem to be happy with it.
I’m beginning to ‘unmask’ and rediscover who I am, as an autistic person. It’s a tiring journey for me to make, but I’m still kind to myself in the process. Thank you for creating this. The message goes farther and wider than you’ll ever realise. 🙏🏻💟☮️
"how are you" being a trigger, I feel that. I've often enjoyed going off script with answers of "miserable", "existing", "surviving" and sometimes just a shake of the head.
Well I was told by my parents I have Asperger’s now I’m 43 and having to learn it it’s becoming a best thing for me I love it very happy to have Asperger’s
I really love the Asperger's from the Inside which is why I clicked on the video. It influenced me to start my own channel called TheAspieMe. I was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome when I was 11, now 17. Masking has two sides to it. The first side of it is "I have to mask because people are not going to hang out with me. So I need to keep it on." OR The second side is "If I mask, people are not going to believe that I have autism. So I need to keep it off ." I am trying to find that balance.
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I never realized that emotional intelligence could be a special interest. That stopped me in my tracks when he said that bc I've been obsessed with understanding my emotions and motivations as well as others' and I never realized that might be a special interest for me
I am a therapist and autistic. I think it makes me better at being a therapist because being a therapist is essentially masking to make sure the interactions are always therapeutic for the client. I already spend most of my time observing and trying to get to the bottom of emotions and behaviours, might as well use this skill professionally.
Damn. I didn't even think of this ever before. I think I just found a special interest of mine, thanks for this it was kinda enlightening
Big revelation for me as well. I strive to understand the ways other people make decisions that is so clearly different than my thought processes. Endlessly fascinating.
or survival tactic...
I HAVE BEEN CALLED OUT i-
There is another bad side effect of masking. If you mask from a very young age, by the time you realize "hey, I'm autistic!" your sense of identity can get a bit warped.
Very true. I'm 59 and just recently realized I'm going to need to figure out who I really am now.
@@raven4090 same here , and I'm 40
@@raven4090 me too
I have experienced this to some degree. I’ve had thoughts here and there my whole life about something being different about me but usually dismissed them due to being raised in a bigoted household, and having a fear of rejection by my family or even by myself. As I’ve grown out of the hateful attitudes, I came to the realization 2 years ago at age 20 that I am autistic. Since then I’ve come to understand how much I had been masking and how little of a sense of self I have. It’s very hard but the work I’ve done to get to know myself has helped immensely, and I consider myself lucky to have realized this soon. Seeing some of the stories from people who haven’t figured out until much later in life, I can’t imagine the struggle of learning who you are and dealing with the derealization
@@raven4090 Same here - I'm 58.
I unmasked and was rejected and judged by family and friends. Really reenforced my already low self esteem. I'm very isolated now but I refuse to fake who I am anymore.
I'm with ya.
Yeah, I know the feeling. Same except I'm deeply depressed and alone... I've always been, but it became unmanageable, it's the reason I stopped masking, I didn't have the energy anymore.
Unrelated A: I love your profile pic
Unrelated B: My upvote is the answer.
Isolated, but you are not alone. I hope you have good support and are working towards more of a community for yourself
@A. person Neurotypicals biggest effort was to pretend to like me... I, at least, spare them that with my isolation. 😒
hi human hope your ok friends. I'm here for u.
Honestly I would go to more parties if people would talk to me about psychology and game theory.
That's the problem with parties. You're not supposed to talk about anything meaningful
The only good parties where of the physics club at uni.. Yeah we actually talked about that kind of stuff, physics, chemistry, weird philosophical stuff, random obscure topics and danced in a funny way, I miss these times..
This is what I was thinking!
I started going to kava lounges and now I’m always having these conversations there!
I want to talk about how awesome the universe is. Music and art. And psychological topics. Or philosophy.
"im not broken" that goes deep. it took me discovering a "disorder" to feel not broken anymore. hah thats ironic.
@@kaianderson5871 IDC?
@@kaianderson5871 wait do you mean Ironic disorder condition hahaha!
Me too! Ever since I started researching my symptoms/experiences and learning about autism, I've felt a lot better about myself
@@samdemasi6417 thats so good to hear. yeah it really is a great feeling to finally feel understood not only by others like this awesome community here but also to understand yourself on an individual level.
Yes living my hole life feeling wrong and broken because I didn’t know that I am probably autistic. I’m on the waiting list to get diagnosed but the realization that I’m autistic and that’s why I’m this way feels so good and it have taken a lot of pressure away from me
I'm a well-educated 55 plus woman. I've spend most of my life wondering why human interaction and relationships are so difficult. Recently, I found out. If I had only know sooner I would have avoided a lot of depression, poor self esteem and lost relationships. Very thankful for what you do!
I'm 60 and seeking a diagnosis right now, ironically having spent 21 years advocating for my Aspergian youngest child. Because women present so differently, it never occurred to me, I've just always known I don't belong here, don't fit in, can't make it work really at any level. Imagine my suprrise. I now have a brain wired for anxiety, depression, and PTSD. And extreme introversion.
@@nicolarowan-brooks3641 Aw, sis. You made me tear up. I wish I could make it all have made sense to the young you (and me) and that we could have embraced our differences, even if the world at large didn't. I'm learning it now, and letting my freak flag fly in many ways. Stay in touch if it will help. You can emal me at the following, only with no spaces between the words at a gmail address. (feel like I'm speaking in code, but just trying to defeat spambots) Princess Sparkle Pants. Only if it helps, though, if the thought is stressful, don't.
I got my diagnosis at age 40. Glad that others who have struggled with these issues are getting help too.
I am 59 and My girlfriend made me aware that I truly have it
I am 53 yo female and self-diagnosed at this point just within the last few months. Realizing comes with a bit of grief of the lost years, but a great weight lifted that I’m not broken just different. Now I understand the years of depression (which I now understand as emotional exhaustion from masking) and difficulty maintaining relationships.
"If people accept you for your mask, it feels like a rejection, because I feel that, if they really understood who I really was, behind the mask, surely I would be rejected."
My partner is going through this at the minute, and it's heartbreaking to see from the outside. But he has masked for so long, he feels he doesn't even know WHO he is without his mask. :'(
I relate to this so very much.
I'm very old also, with no diagnosed condition until recently. I often tried to sort it out myself and explain all the "rules" I created to map others behavior so I could behave in a manner that would leave them acting "normal" ... if I let my guard down, it caused a reaction in others, them asking me "what's wrong" as if the other behavior is the only right behavior ... it was so complicated and then I finally learned about "masking" and I was so amazed that other people recognized this same behavior, did the same behavior, and had a real easy explanation: "masking" ... my point is that I try to not mask and sometimes nurotypical people wear me down and I give in to just speaking to fulfill their simplistic notions ... as your partner figures out each "masking" motivation and situation that caused, it is terrible to sort out because the alternative "real person" is also something with no real social experience ... and when people you know try to insist upon the old behavior, it is very rejecting, as if you are not an individual, but simply a programed robot for their amusement.
My h did this then was angry I didn’t know him behind the mask. It’s very confusing. I could feel something was off but it just messed with my mind.
I get it now, and it’s too late. He felt he would not be excepted. He proved it by being called out by me when he took the mask off. The only reason he was called out was because his behavior was opposite of what he told me he was. Who I knew him as with out letting me in on what was going on. It was very very confusing and triggering for me.
I would have loved to accept him as he really was. The mask mad it very hard for us. I get it, without knowing what is going on, it is a level of a lie to the other person because you are not allowed to fall in love with the real person then the energy to keep it up eats away at the relationship and hurts both of you deeply. However I understand the desire to do it. He thought I would leave him if he didn’t do it. In the end the dynamic it created destroyed us.
I have been masking so long. Really the mask is an important part of me. It’s my armour, it protected me...but I have to come to understand I don’t need the mask.
I am same. My partner doesnt understand either. He thinks im not who he fell in love with when mask falls off.
The feeling rejected for people loving your mask is beyond resonating with me. It became a joke among a small group of friends (before any of us knew about this) that when a new person would visit and meet me I would be at an 11/10 (fire all the available charm, humor, kindness guns asap!) and they would say "I know I just met you but-" and all my friends would start to laugh "I just love you instantly!" and they would laugh hysterically and I would laugh and do the whole self deprecation "who, me?" song and dance. The new person would be confused and some friend would jump in to say that this happens every time, that I'm pretty much a god of first impressions. Inside I'm shrinking, thinking "Oh no, I've done it again, how long do I have to keep this up? Forever?" Looking at this pattern with distance it's pretty ridiculous for this to happen every time. Why did I feel this need to project this awesome person so strongly from the get go, not giving anyone the chance to see me and grow their own opinion slowly? WELL, I feel I'm getting potential answers slowly...
Me too. 😢
Thank you for sharing... I'm the opposite, so
the song and dance come naturally. I intentionally tone myself down, to seem "normal," but holding back... to make myself palpable creates a build up... I have literally hurt myself and made myself sick holding back, and holding in.... all of the energy and love I feel. Now.. I just want to explode love every where and on everyone 😂
Always learning. So you are constantly onto the next thing.
This reply is coming so late from me, but you know what? I would bet you good money that even if you feel like you're being too much, people are quietly so appreciative how strong your love is! And if you haven't found those people, you deserve to. A lot of the time people just aren't used to being treated with real warmth, so they might not show appreciation, but it's so beautiful to be around someone with a lot of love to give! It reminds me of the advice "Be a fountain, not a drain." You sound like a fountain. :)@@laurie3113
true!@@nicholjackson8388
I'm a Speech Therapist. I want to cry watching this. There is so much misunderstanding and force on children I see to fill their beautifully unfolding mind into a boring old box. I really wish parents are more understanding. thank you for sharing. Ur voice is the change.
Thank you for your service as a speech therapist. When I was in elementary school I was directed to see a speech therapist on a weekly basis, there at my public school in Denver. I now appreciate how much she helped me by correcting my speech impediments. It was the school that looked out for me in that way. I wish I could find her and thank her.
Sadly parents, and others for that matter, cannot truly understand because it might be literally impossible for them. Why is philosophical but based on the underlying science of the human brain. The underlying difference lies in how the neurotypical and 'autistic' brains are 'wired'. The autistic mind has many more connections, yet lost a few along the way. When I was young I felt bad for being me and wished I could be like them. Today I wouldn't trade away my GIFT to take a step back.
When Paul lost track of the conversation and..it was perfectly okay and he could simply ask where they were at and then picked up the train of thought again. It was all okay. I'm literally in tears at that simple moment. I don't even understand how that's possible to be so comfortable in a conversation
Can't remember the last time I had a visceral emotional reaction to..anything. Shit man
Ditto
I'm enjoying the amount of staring off into space, too. Oh, that's a thing you can do during a video call?
All the Zoom calls and whatnot are awful when you're expected to have video on. I know how to avoid eye contact in person. I don't know how to do it with a camera pointed at me.
Absolutely yes to all of this. I am a 28 year old female in my first year out of grad school working as a speech language pathologist. I have the privilege of working with and learning from amazing autistic toddlers/children with mild-severe support needs. I have been a highly-sensitive and intuitive person and was a nanny for a decade previous to my career. I crave solitude and a safe space to sing/dance/stim, usually only place I can is my car. I have always done this and never connected the dots until not…I am apparently conventionally attractive which I feel can be an absolute mindfuck when you are on the spectrum. I self-diagnosed a few weeks ago and the shock/relief is still fresh…I can’t wait to cultivate knowledge about myself and thus the best way to work with my kids at school.🤍 also the realization that my entire family, including adopted family members are also on the spectrum…this is going to be an interesting chapter discovering who we all really are!🤯🥳
@@aspidoscelis mobile video calls designed to avoid eye contact)
If you look at the camera of your smartphone, you can't look at the face on the screen, and vice versa.
Yes! I eat the same breakfast absolutely every day and it means so much to to me ♡ I dont know how I'd ever let anyone into my daily life because although I'm rarely bored, I'm sure I'm incredibly boring to a typical. I have no interest in drinking, eating out, going to parties, etc. I could read & watch fascinating documentaries for the rest of my life. Luckily, I'm an artist, which is kind of a transparent mask. People expect artists to be strange, lol
I think many artists are autistic. Certainly the greatest artists were described with autistic traits.
Cool. I'm wondering if I can find an identity where people expect me to be strange.
Lockdown was no stress for me. Work from home, didnt have to go out and do things I didnt want to do. There wasnt really anything I felt was missing and I felt I gained a huge level of comfortableness which will sadly go away when I am forced back into the office.
I loved lockdown! The only people I had to see were my husband and kids. It was wonderful.
Momentarily I'm not working, due to physical handicap, and Lockdown was the best time in my life. Alone for months felt so good. As if it belongs that way.
I'm diagnosed with schizoid personality disorder and self-diagnosed with ADHD.
My job carried on as normal and I was glad I was allowed to go outside as I feel confined and bored if I stay in too long. There were some aspects of lockdown I appreciated, such as it being less crowded outdoors and the roads being much quieter.
I loved it!
I wish it would come back secretly, but i know it's horrible for humanity overall. Luckily i just got a work from home job, all is right with the world again.
The thing Sam said about talking about game theory hit really close. Whenever I find out people have a favourite subject, I try talk about the subject, just how I’d enjoy it if someone spoke about my special interest. I always got weird looks when I’d start going on about colour theory after being told that someone enjoyed art lessons.
My mistake was assuming that someone who worked for a gambling machine company would actually care about game theory 😅
@@YoSamdySam For me , it's similar to people 'just working' at a place. They don't know about their own company because they're not bothered about it on that level, it's just payment to them or something superficial.
You’re right, it is frustrating that we make the effort to talk about other people’s “interests”. I guess other people just aren’t quite as into their “interests” as we are into ours! Their job, for example, is just a means to get money, where as our special interests means everything to us! We’re always the ones making the effort, other people don’t seem to bother for us!
@@francescoleman-williams911 Agreed!
I find that sometimes people react well to the conversation taking a turn towards something more genuine. I can see they find it refreshing. I run an elevator occasionally, so I get a short window to chat with people and find their receptivity level. It can be really fun, and a happy discovery. It's possible that some people get off and roll their eyes once the door is closed, but many express a kind of relief or pleasure at being able to escape the normal disinterest.
My diary was either me attempting to write things I thought I was supposed to write or be feeling written with extreme paranoia that someone else will read it and judge my inner thoughts. Or I actually write what I'm thinking and I find it so embarrassing and wrong so I hate myself more and scratch out the page and any other marks on pages underneath incase someone can read it from the imprint
I can relate to this. My therapist and others suggest keeping a journal, and I'm like never again. It's very disturbing to me.
Oh my god! This is me !
💗
Are you good at reading your handwriting even if it gets messy? Then write messily so that for anyone else it would be borderline unreadable. Also in a "stream of consciousness" way so that the sentences are not so orderly, this way it would be even more so indecipherable to others. This works for my anxiety regarding the worries you've described so I thought sharing might do some good.
@@rdoodoo2021 exactly
63 years old, learned was autistic (and not BP, OCD, ADD) last year... and I’ve masked so long it has become part of who I am whenever I am around people. It is horribly exhausting and I really thought this was what life was just like... “see people, get exhausted, come apart, get apart, recover”. Recently found my old primary school report cards, and the progression of learning to mask is so completely obvious. Hiding stims, disappearing, either doing extremely well in school or not doing school at all. I have started trying to not mask around my kids, but the switch is so automatic.
I thought I was probably the 'oldest' person finding out why I struggled masked had shut downs and struggled in making a living (existing more like!) but you are 4 years my senior !! All respect to you. I just thought I was 'too sensitive (but now i see it lends to the empathy I have), that 'I always learned the hard way' (never knew about executive functioning before!.
Nowadays, through following these brilliant videos on TH-cam I am becoming more and more comfortable in my own skin. Blessings
@@johnnyaction750 me too, as long ago, I never even hear the word Autisim, but I struggled all my adult life, and the diagnosed condition finally did provide some stable platform from which to consider self and life ... compared to a lifetime of desperation, a ridiculous number of different jobs or career paths that I actually performed well at, but failed in that subtle social connection that prevents you from being first on the list when it is time to pick someone to "let go" ... . fearful social interaction trying to pull off a "normality" situation that simply meant not getting noticed for anything unusual ... all the sad mental issues are real, yet the underlying cause is from trying to adapt ourselves into the rather "stupid" world of nurotypical behavior ... being yourself doesn't bring the friends to your door, but it does eliminate the false behavior processing and the consequential drag of other people's expectations.
62, mee too.
56, when I was diagnosed. Went through life, masking most of my actual emotions.. a series of anxiety, depression, alcohol abuse, meltdowns. Always walking on egg shells around other people . Hard. one diagnosed, it is getting better all the time, as teh Beatles would have said.
Been in psychiatric care for thirty years. 2 years sober, again. I keep hearing so similar stories to my own. So often I felt there was no one like me, but they're all around me. We aren't alone.
WOW!🤯 The safest person you can be around is yourself”🤯THAT is why we say we’d rather be alone, need solo time, etc. it’s not only because we are exhausted from Masking, subconsciously we know it’s because this is where we are safest with no one to judge us or hurt us.
Provided that one has not been poisoned with low self-esteem through massiv critics of others over years, with the final result of harsh self critic and autoagression. BUT then we can clean the house, go home (the self) and love ourselves again
I think you two need a podcast.... Discussing different aspects of the Autism spectrum and experience... I would listen to it! Informative and relaxing. And as some one who cannot be diagnosed in my state because of my age I would appreciate the insights.
Heads-up worked with autistic people for ~6 years at one of US leading and earliest facilities for them (full and day time programs). If she even has a foot on the spectrum its a pinky toe. More likely an attention seeking behavioral disorder (thus the hair).
This channel is a disgrace.
That is a great idea, I'd listen too!
That would be wonderfull!
@@jetrpg22 I hate comments like these. Just because something is not secious or severe enough, doesn't meant it is not there. Even if sometging is relatively mild and people can still live a relatively normal life, doesn't mean they don't have problems. And it sertainly doesn't mean they are not allowed to speak about their life and experience. Not autistic enough, not depressed enough, etc. Same goes for believes or values. Not feminist enough is also very popular. Stop that, please.
@@Nanamka Well i hate comments like yours. "And it sertainly doesn't mean they are not allowed to speak about their life and experience."Sure, and im telling you mine. You hate mine, but others are okay? You're just arbitrary.
I never said she could say w/e the heck she wanted, i said I DON'T BELIEVE HER. But we all just have to listen and believe because. What you or she said so?
Look at her social awareness and reflex emotive ability, hello. Its perfect, its better than most peoples. Is her problem communication not from her story.
Maybe you have not come to this realization yet but reality is a real thing. Its more than just the feelings inside your head. Such as if i now just claim Autistic people are actually more social appropriate, understanding, and skilled than the normal population. I would b wrong. Its not that im am trying to shit on you, when i say you are incorrect. Autism is a label for some real behaviors and just because YOU think there should be no judgment of what those are doesn't make you right. No indeed it makes you wrong. Because autism is not just a story being told on YT but a real DISABILITY. If it in no way disables you its not that.
Some people are shy and thus poor socially not all, no not even many of those people are autistic. Some people have narcissistic personality and cannot or will not control their behavior thus seek excuses and narratives justifying their behavior almost all of them are not autistic. Its a real thing that people suffer and work with and to just have people appropriating it for personal gain and attention is offensive to me.
Now lets actually look, she said she was diagnosed then undiganosed when she went to uni, and then in she wasn't diagnosed until in or after uni. Pay attention now.
Just listen to her, autism is now a NEW autism because she thinks so and because she is female. And she for sure isn't what the DSM would call on the spectrum. So she added to it because she could. I could do the same with anything.
th-cam.com/video/ixRSb00BplM/w-d-xo.html Don't take my word for it take hers.
Stims- my sister sucked her thumb forever, not autistic. My friend literally chews the sides of her fingers into wounds, not autistic. Everyone but ~5% of the population feels like they struggle as children and adolescences at making friends and fitting in. Its part of developing...Notice how she poisons the well also, lot of girls will actual show no difficulty at fitting in and masking normal behavior. BAM NOT AUTISTIC. She has no lack of facial expressions EVER EVER EVER (i get if she worked on it and got good, she is too good for this to be the case and in live streams.) She is lying or telling a lie she believes herself (self deluded).
This is a joke. The psych dr that saw her at uni was 100% correct.
"Pass, next question" & "What's your super power?" I love that!
Listening this with tears in my eyes. I have never, in all the years I've essentially been raised on youtube, felt so SEEN. Thank you for this collaborative video. Thank you both.
im very happy for you, go be the real you and do it without shame
I once had a bumper sticker that said something like, "It is better to be hated for who you are than loved for who you are not."
Going off script in the "how are you?" scenario is something I resonate with oh so much! The best thing that happened in those terms is attending a party where someone started the conversation with "So what are you working on?" instead of "What do you do?" and it worked so much better. I could pick the project I had going at the moment.
I'm sure many people will relate with their own version of that dreadlocks story. Thanks Paul. And Sam, for hosting.
Ah god everyone wanting to know what job you do hate it, just say I’m in between jobs at the moment
“How are you “is script talk if all you are allowed to day I’m fine even if you were in pain.It would be better to say.Don’t ask the question if you don’t want to hear the truth.
I love the way the differences between men and women with autism surface in this conversation. I have watched so many men describe their struggles and some resonate with me, but the rest don't. However, when Sam starts to go into detail of her feelings and experiences, I have never felt so understood. Especially the inward return to teenage things during 2020 - really interesting! Thank you for posting this 💗
I'm one of those who answer and innocent question about my day by ecplaining everything. One time, I was in charge of taking care of my grandma while my parents were on holiday, and it really stressed me out. I met the mom of a friend of mine at the grocery store and ended up telling her about how I had to send my grandma to hostipal, and how my parents were away and all that. Somewhere I figured I was oversharing, but it was too late, because I was almost in tears. She gave me a hug and made sure I was ok, and I was so embarassed about my behaviour.
Though that might have felt like a lot to a stranger, if she's a compassionate friend she may have been glad to listen in a time of distress.
That's not actually strange. I'm from a different culture and we actually are honest when someone asks how we're doing. Maybe that's why Americans say we Poles complain too much. So through that lens, you've acted totally normal.
As a neurotypical it makes me sad that you can't talk about your social time in a work setting you cant make freinds. I dream of a world where everyone is accepted for who they are and able to connect with others.
I love people. I want to listen. So some of us out there do want to hear it.
So i spent 2 years at work worrying what people thought of me and trying really hard to be likable to them and act in ways that didn't offend them. I got fired and no one knew. I just disappeared. And NOT A SINGLE PERSON TEXTED ME TO ASK IF I WAS OK. this was a rude awakening. All the energy into worrying what they thought of me... and it turns out THEY DIDN'T. at all.
It hurts a lot. But it's also a good lesson.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. I feel this so hard, I try so hard to people please and hope I'm likable. That's so devastating to receive that response (or lack of) from your colleagues. But I believe it's a blessing in disguise to leave behind an environment that didn't accept you. I hope your next environment or opportunity is so much better and accepting of your true unmasked self
@@Pinkiiiiii9 thank you
I think we've all had the moment where someone tells you just to fake it till you make it and you realized you've been doing that for years and the making it has yet to happen and you decide to stop faking it. If you're never gonna make it, might as well be sane and not making it.
Love this!!
Ironically the person who said that to me the most was my father who is also autistic. It never worked. I guess he was just trying to cope and be socially acceptable and decided to share his coping strategies with me even though they were maladaptive.
"If they really knew who I was, no one would like me" - thats been my deepest fear my entire 55 years. Still dx'd but family and a few very autistm-fluent friends do believe that i'm on the spectrum. I'm gifted and came up w a LOT of coping mechanisms. It is exhausting.
“Before I had a diagnosis it was just called coping and fitting in and...” YES! Before I thought to get a diagnosis of ASD I’ve been diagnosis with depression etc and I was told “fake it to make it” was a healthy coping mechanism!! Waaay before I thought about getting a diagnosis I realised “fake it to make it” didn’t work! Lol! It exhausted me!! It did me head in that professionals told me to do it and I knew it didn’t work!!
I always recieved that advice growing up, they never understood when I tried to explain how exhausting it was.
Also, Sam, regarding how to gradually unmask, one of my therapists had me do an exercise in which I (while alone) was to ask myself "What do I want right now?" and then go get it. It really helped me tap in to my immediate self and needs. Little by little I could feel the genuine self getting stronger and more well defined. It didn't last long, and I'm back to being completely lost, but I think it's a good exercise nonetheless.
That is that alexithymia. Sam did a video on that too.
On the question "what did you do at the weekend" I often find I hold back what I actually did on the weekend as it usually involves recharging, mostly being indoors and maybe playing videogames or updating my family tree, but I often just not say those things!
“Oh, nothing special, what have you been up to?”
@@freedakaye6720 this! And, to keep your identity, “Nothing special, playing some video games of course. What about you?”
I am a 58 year old Australian woman who has just realised I am on the spectrum………now ,it’s in my face………realising i Stim all day ,I daze , and wearing masks all day has helped me drop my mask. I do t have to smile all day and people can’t hear you so talking is less needed and so a pandemic has made me realise I’m autistic. Living alone I don’t mask and I’m a tad strange and it doesn’t matter.going to get an assessment done , next step I guess.
“I did projects around the house” is a way to say you stayed home but were productive.
For me, being diagnosed at age 4, my main symptom was being quiet because I felt unsafe to express myself because all of my emotions were too extreme for people… imagine people freaking out because you were suddenly acting too happy after being silent for an extended time. I recall that happening well into my 20s. At nearly 40, I find masking is a matter of balancing quietude with polite exchanges, and allowing myself to be imperfect. Socializing has become reinvigorating, instead of exhausting… mainly because I’m no longer trying to keep pace with hyper-social 20yos and all of their toxic nonsense, but also because I’ve set appropriate boundaries for my own sake.
My favorite party small talk question is "Where is your Favorite Bridge?" I borrowed it from Hank Green and it always gets interesting answers. I hate small talk.
My also autistic wife has a list of 'ice breaker questions', none of which break the ice really, but boring people run away so it's a successful social filter, depending on your metric for success. Her favourite is "What sexually transmitted disease would you be?". Second favourite is "Who is on your zombie apocalypse survival team, and why?"
My favorite bridge is the Rio Grande Gorge Bridge near Taos, New Mexico. It's the 10th highest bride in the US. It's where my favorite romantic movie scene was shot from Natural Born Killers.
Love the question! Not necessarily my favourite bridge, but my favourite bit of bridge trivia: In the 60s, famously named London Bridge was bought for a chill 2 mill, transported to the US and rebuilt in Arizona 😄
@@longline I like your wife already! I would emideately invite you two to our house for dinner to discuss these very important questions further)))) no, really, I love such people, my former circle of friends was like that. But now I live in a different country and I miss that dearly.
@@Janacobb12 I will have to check it out! I live in New Mexico! I love learning new things and exploring New Mexico! It is so full of beauty and interesting locations.
the dreadlocks story was incredible. I grew up being a “beautiful girl” with “beautiful hair”. It was often people’s intro into talking to me. I felt like I couldn’t identify with that. I felt like there was so much more of me that people should see. I wondered how they would treat me if I wasn’t beautiful if I didn’t have nice hair or a good smile. I cut my hair off and the point in my life that I felt most rejected, different, and out of place in hopes that the world could see that I was different than the girl they were seeing on the outside. I wanted to remove the mask. It helped.
I'm having this same trauma. I've tried to fit in my whole life and it's becoming too hard. I feel so fake. Now I am so tempted to shave my head and start being myself, but the problem is idek who "myself" is
It is so strange to hear, that neurotypicals freak out when someone goes off script. Shouldn't the neurotypicals be good at it? But, I must say, it is a relief to hear that.
@@edm-london1660 interesting perspective.
neurotypicals are the fucking worst at this, it drives me fucking insane lmao.
2020 really drove it to the forefront to me, watching them all lose their fucking minds because their status quo was fundamentally shaken and broken for the first times in their lives
I'm not on spectrum, but I can tell you that neurotypicals mask all the time. People have become so used to be so fake... appearing smart, appearing like theyre social justice, appearing this that. It's BS. So don't get down on yourselves. Be authentic and you will find your tribe.
@@jp5419 i mean yeah we’re not disagreeing lmao, appreciate the sentiment tho
that's why they are hard to talk to... they say "how are you?" then you have to give a fake answer. A fake q and a fake response. It baffles me.
The biggest victory is being true to yourself. Forget the sheeps of society. Embrace you, embrace your intelligence because you have the power to create, influence, and create the next new thing the sheeps of society will follow. Do not let expectations of society bring you down, that is a dangerous path to follow.
You two are my heroes! I also discovered my autism late in life, and just got my diagnosis at age 42. One of my biggest struggles since this discovery has been an overwhelming loneliness because I did not relate with anyone who I was trying to describe my experiences to. I felt like the only person in the whole world who felt the way that I feel. But the way you both describe your experiences feels so familiar to me, you give me hope. Thank you for sharing, I hope some day to get the courage to share my story too.
If you are able to, I highly recommend connecting with the autistic communities online (there are lots of Facebook groups, and the #ActuallyAutistic tag on Twitter). :)
Connecting with other people on the ASD spectrum, has really helped me.
Completely agree!!!
I am an old guy in Dallas, Texas. While researching my depression, I have discovered that I am autistic through stumbling across information online and channels like yours and Paul's. Today, I have learned more about masking than I've ever understood by listening to this conversation between you two! I am 63 and at first, I was elated by the revelation. Until today, I had started become embittered by having had find out what was wrong on my own. Learning to unmask will go a long way to helping deal and cope with my diversity. You'll probably never see this, but between you and Paul, I've learned so much and your channels have pushed me a long way toward dealing with my autism and become productive again.
This video is like ASMR for me. I just love your voices, accents and way of speaking.
I can loosely relate to there being different versions of you. I used to spend a lot of my time as a teenager online and I always felt who I am online and over text is more authentic because all the frustrating social aspects you deal with in person aren't there. I don't have to wait for my turn when speaking because in a text conversation I can finish my thoughts and chip in whenever I want. The back and forth in a physical conversation is so stifling at times. Online I can also seek out the topics that interest me and choose to engage in those subjects whenever I want. I don't have to worry that the other person isn't interested or has nothing to contribute to the conversation or think I'm weird because I'm very much into serial killers or what have you, which has been an extended subject I've been interested in since I was a child, Bec I'm just really fascinated by emotionally disturbing topics.
Also, my main stims are vocal and they often involve my cats. They're something I can't bring with me outside of private situations unfortunately. I echolalia my cats a lot, I speak to them in general and I make up silly words, I sing to them about them in often not quite so flattering ways and the list goes on. I also talk out loud a lot. When Sam mentioned how she immediately quit stimming when her husband noticed her I felt that because it's something I do a lot as well. I don't think I was scolded either, I just noticed it wasn't considered appropriate behavior and it made me scared to be caught doing it.
I really struggle to keep up too much of a persona though because I just don't have the mental fortitude to pay that much attention to my environment when I am in a social setting. Most of my energy just goes into not saying things that are inappropriate or rude, because those are things I've often been criticized over.
Like Paul I really started to work on my EQ because as I matured I realized I hated hurting people. My strong empathy is such a double-edged sword because I often feel guilty if I'm acting too much like myself because I'm so afraid of pushing people over just because I don't have sufficient tact.
I don't even know why it bothers me so much but I suppose it's rooted in a feat of social rejection. I have alexithymia so vocalizing these things aren't easy. Paul having EQ as his special interest also makes so much sense!
It's so interesting how many of us who slipped through the cracks often end up with a skill set to compensate for our social weaknesses. I went and became a social anthropologist because that gives me a good excuse to ask weird questions and be overly intrusive about human social behavior without being weird about it. It also provided me with many interesting theories and models why people socially behave like they do.
I could never pursue a career as an anthropologist but my interest in the social sciences has always stayed with me and my expertise within different social areas of the social sciences just keeps expanding. Current I'm mostly deep diving into politics, especially fascism and the rise of the far right, but related to that is racism and before that it was gender theory, queer theory and transgender studies. Before that it was about masculinity studies and music.
All of this just because I felt like I couldn't understand other people or myself as a person and why I felt so different.
This was such an enlightening conversation!!! I'm recently "self diagnosed" ASD/ADHD and working to get evaluated, and it's kinda scary how every single thing Sam says has me nodding and exclaiming "EXACTLY!" I can't eat the same thing for two meals in a row, lol. I never knew that chewing my nails, biting my lip, playing with my necklaces, spinning my rings, clicking pens (and constantly breaking the clips off) was stimming. I'm also trying to get back into music and the things I loved as a teen before I started hardcore masking, and allowing myself to use color as self expression (which I love!) I'm trying to stop having over-animated conversations with too much laughing to compensate. I'm becoming more aware of all the things I try to suppress to appear "normal." It's scary, but also empowering. Thank you for having this conversation, putting yourselves out there, and helping me feel less alone.
This resonates!!! ❤
After reading this I think I need to follow your example. I’m going to set aside some time and energy to try and remember more about myself when I was younger, and what I liked then. I’ve been looking for ways to stop masking (I’m also self-diagnosed Asperger’s/ASD, and working on being officially diagnosed) and maybe this will help me.
@@gido9467 I have to add that marijuana has been life changing for me and has helped propel me on my journey. I feel like it gently removes my mask, alleviates my anxiety, and helps me to see, experience, and understand the world in a more open and relaxed state.
I recently saw a video that said using psychedelics causes your brain to use different neural pathways, which actually mimics the way children’s brains work. I don’t know if that’s scientifically accurate, but in my experience, it’s absolutely spot on.
@@Kirby_Lyn I agree completely! When I first started using marijuana it usually just made things funnier, or it made me extremely paranoid. Once I eventually started using it during moments of self-exploration I realized it was taking down walls and blockades I’d put up over the years. I cried harder than I had in decades while extremely high, thinking about my childhood, and finally giving weight to the things that I’d experienced. Marijuana has been invaluable in that regard.
@Kayde Zimmerle I felt attacked reading this while biting my lip 😂
I have a daugther 10 years old. She uses to visit a family twice in a month. The mother in this family know my girl for about 5 years now. Finally My daughter got a diagnose, so we can understand and help her. About this family. They are very social and There's is many meetings and birthdays and stuff. My daughter get tired, quiet and bored. This family try to engage her and kind of press her to be there. When my daughter has Not a very clear expression in her face, they said to her "put a smile in your face". I get worried about it. I reacted strong to this and I try to understand that This family wants a "happy, please girl", Without Understanding thoughts and feelings. They have good intentions maybe and They want my girl being accepted in social context, but To Teach her to fake a smile with them is not good for her mental health. Sorry about my English. Hugs from Norway 🍁
Is there no choice in this matter, that she is compelled to visit them and you are helpless to have a say in it even as her parent? I would object strongly to anyone teaching my kid that they must smile to please others when they don't feel like smiling. Girls especially are treated this way in many societies: expected to appear always happy, always pretty, never serious, to please others. This teaches them that their own feelings are less important than other people's, and that they are a type of servant to others socially. I hope you have the right as her parent, to remove her from those visits. But I also hope you talk with her, explain that she is not obligated to do this. Ideally though, getting her out of the situation would be best, particularly if she is young and more likely to be deeply affected by those expectations of her.
I'm sure it is worse for girls, but I remember being an undiagnosed child and experiencing things like what you describe very frequently. It was harmful to me - it taught me that how I really feel isn't good enough, and I should do whatever it takes to make others happy or comfortable. Later in life those beliefs became destructive.
Parties should be fun. If someone (especially children, and doubly true for those on the spectrum) isn't enjoying themselves they should be free to leave. Being forced to remain in an overestimulating or otherwise uncomfortable environment is not healthy on any level... at least for me.
Friendly reminder to be patient with yourself. Sometimes we make mistakes in social situations and it can feel extremely humiliating. Know that it is not a reflection of who you are. It does not make you a freak. It quite simply means you just misread the situation. It's not a big deal, and it's going to happen from time to time. View it as a learning experience. When we beat ourselves up over mistakes like this, it is only going to make us more socially awkward which is not productive. Allow yourself the freedom to learn through making errors, and enter social situations with an open mind and a willingness to understand. Don't be too hard on yourself when people don't understand you. They're just different, and that's perfectly okay. Hope this helps someone because it has been helping me greatly.
It seems to me that pretty much everyone has an ‘image’ a ‘persona’ that they play out in the world (whether they realize it or not). Behind closed doors, many are different, or would like to be. That is why we like Pets, because they accept us for who we really are.
I’d say that autistic people just get fed up with playing the facade a lot quicker then average people. They find more value and satisfaction in being their real self, being truthful.
YES! Very much me. I literally have no idea how much I am masking, because 6 decades of doing it are a bit challenging to undo.
Truthfulness is a quality I still have problems with. Sometimes, I wills ay something bleedingly obvious, and everyonee around me looks uncomfotable. I didn't realize I was supposed to pretend that things weren't _____ however they were. *sigh* Still hard, but it is good to know the reasons. At least I find a little bit of comfort there.
We also have to use a lot more 'facade' to fit in than NTs because (at least from my experience) none of these things come naturally and go against any instinct we have
@@cockycookie1 It's true. I still have no idea when/how/if I am doing it at any given time. It feels natural via 5+ decades of practice.
@@cockycookie1 tics, compulsions, conversations; all of which are so difficult and having to mask a compulsion sent me over the edge. I’ve not been diagnosed with autism but I have been for OCD. There’s a huge overlap between the two though and I believe people with ocd are either 4 or 6 times more likely to have autism
When Sam said that she was told to stop biting her nails and stop fiddling I totally get that. I used to bite my nails as a child and fidget all the time. I was constantly told to stop and that they were bad habits that I needed to control. There were so many times and things that I did as a kid that I was told wasn't socially appropriate and that I needed to control or "will" myself out of. I now know that they were my ways of easing anxiety or extreme boredom.
Yes!!
Biting nails, chewing hair, my sleeves, erasers, the interior of my mouth...
Foot tapping, hair chewing, nail biting were all ways to deal with sitting down all day in school which is basically torture to me. While raising our kids from ages 1-11, we had no couch and no dining table cuz, like, who the hell sits down in an ADD family? We all were making things or just running around or exploring or hiking or climbing or teaching Zumba and came home/inside just to eat standing up in the kitchen and then fall over into bed asleep! Also, pre Netflix streaming, we had no TV in our house for 18 years…cuz who wants to SIT and watch stupid crap and irritating commercials!!?? We all love to learn by Doing…not by watching. Now realizing we’re all on the spectrum…hence all the eating issues. Nobody can tolerate the sound of chewing or the clank of a fork on a plate or the smell of someone elses food or seeing/touching a gross dirty plate. Paper plates saved our sanity!!! Yes my kids sat in bed as teens playing minecraft and the Sims all day n night. Before that ages 4-12 we read a zillion books to them starting with all the Harry Potter and Percy Jackson…all laying down in the king bed. Life in a neurodivergent family….
I never thought about stims because I had the stereotype in my head. But after listening to yourchannel I started to revisit my memories, and I realized I used to do the same movement with my hair all the time when I was a child, to the point my father used to say to me "stop doing that with your hair"... then at school I had an urge do draw abstract lines and "nothing-stuff" in my nootebooks, school books covers, anything.. I kept doing it till college, I draw and draw and sometimes teatchers called my atention and I used to say "Oh it helps me pay attention"... never thought this could be stiming. I also had lollipops in my mouth for some years in school. During high school when i was anxious ou nervous i used to cut paper with my fingers in little pieces, any paper i could have at hand. And during college I developed what I now think is a stim.. I put a pendant of a necklace I always wear on my lips, not inside de mouth, and run in from right to left, left to right, in the lips, while concentrating.. then I stopped doing that..and began to press my teeth against each other, creating pain in my face muscles, trying to deal with tension. last days , realizing I need to be doing something, I let it more loose , and I noticed i've been pressing my teeth less! So I guess it was a 'masked stim'.. somehow.. don't know if makes sense
I knew I was "odd" and "different" pretty early in life. I had the first inklings in first grade at primary school, where they did some tests - puzzles and things like that - and then called my mother to the school to have hushed conversations about me, after which I was moved up a grade. I was put into a gifted class in year 5 and 6, and even they found me strange. One of my classmates later wrote an autobiography, and commented on the strange boy in that class. Another buttonholed me at a school reunion to apologise for how she and everyone had treated me.
It was at about this time that I started to make a conscious effort to study human interaction, devouring textbooks on body language, how humans communicate and think, and how to make friends; studying TV shows and movies and trying to systematise things like eye contact and conversational "rules"; practising facial expressions in the mirror, that sort of thing.
My parents were not exactly supportive. My father, as well as being a depressive with a violent, hair-trigger temper, was also on the spectrum though neither he nor I knew it at the time. My mother would never encourage me in anything ("you came second in your year? Surely they don't give a prize for that?), though she would point out my flaws ("eye contact!") as well as calling me names like "Baleful", based on my resting face. She later explained to me that she no longer felt guilty at not loving me, as I was "a boy no-one could love", which was pretty hard. All of this was a spur to learn how to pass, and be diplomatic and affable and a small target.
By the time my parents threw me out after I finished school I was a pretty convincing replica of a human, and over 30-odd years since I think I have it down pretty well. It is tremendously draining still, and I really have to be careful with activities which I know will be challenging, so as not to push too far and risk the mask slipping. Things like networking and office parties and so on are a particular strain, and I really can't take them for long, without feeling like I am going to lose it or be found out.
I have tried revealing myself to trusted people outside the family a couple of times. It has generally not gone well. Even my wife was not happy, though I suppose it helped her to understand a few things. I guess that if I'm really to have a true relationship it is necessary for people to know, but the problem is that I face the choice: they like this version of me, the mask, and they probably won't like to know that they've been fooled.
This sounds soooo familiar to me, (almost every experience posted here). But even though we may struggle and have difficulty socializing with the world in general, we can still entertain ourselves well enough with our insatiable appetite for knowledge -which Aspies share-since we often possess an intellectual over-abundance to counteract our emotional lack.
And it does help to have found like-minded persons to relate to in community forums such as these.
Thanks to all for sharing and to our hosts for providing the venue.
That is good insight. There’s a saying that it is easier to fool people than convince them that they have been fooled. How sad that your mother thought you were unlovable. My mother I think was on the spectrum and touch was NOT her love language but she didn’t make me feel unloved just occasionally tiresome.
Sounds like your mother was on the spectrum and not coping well herself. You are lovable! She was wrong. You are wonderfully made
Thank you. For years i had thought I had dissociative identity disorder due to severe trauma. I never knew who I was I saw myself as a method actor that could never be my authentic self. I see now that masking was a more simple explanation.
DID would cause you to have periods where you don't remember anything or you'd feel the switch between the different personalities happening.
Masking is nothing like that. Did you actually look into it?
@@cockycookie1 I don't think I'll ever be sure, I kind of hold things in a grey box. I bring them up often and think about those things.
Why can't method acting with sincerity be included in "my authentic self" I've been like this forever since I learned to play the social game, how is this not a genuine part of me?
This makes me feel less alone in this world. Honestly, thank you for making this video.
My main stim is whistling and I think that goes hand in hand with my special interest: cockatiels 😆
Thank you for mentioning and talking a bit about the black community and other minority communities and this issue. Ya'll were on point. I think this point about masking for safety while being a minority out in the public, is very true for women as well, masking for safety. Very good point and I appreciated it.
Oddly enough I believe I've masked so well in my 26 years, that I was a 'punisher' to my mom without realizing what I was doing. In the end your channel is helping me realize that my mother has indeed showcased autistic tendencies throughout her entire life and I have too, but we both hadnt realized that (well I have, not sure if she accepts it, but that's for her own journey wether she does or not). We would philosophize and "complain" about similar things, and I could always relate to her, but I also found it hard to accept her, as I realized and could see how society and most people "dealt" with her. I ended up just doing the same 'punishing' thing which sucks! But that's the journey I guess. I definitely am feeling more immense acceptance, understanding, and love for her (and myself) now than I ever have all because of doing further research about this, as I suspected she or I might be on the spectrum. It's really interesting! You are helping us so much out here!
Also, realized her incessant picking of various areas of her skin, is something my sister and I picked up, and now is something I am having trouble with stopping, or rather, 'changing.' I really like that concept to try something else as opposed to completely suppressing the need to stim. It was clearly one of her stims, along with quite a few others. But this one is really damaging my self esteem in my early adulthood. So I love and appreciate the suggested other ways of stimming like using thinking puddy! Lord I really need to try that as I have recently realized I tend to do it when I'm thinking or am spacing out and need to do something with my hands while I do that, and particularly moreso when my thoughts are revolving around something stressful. So I will be trying that! I also love to knit and should get back into it! I went through a period where I brought it everywhere I went but then stopped for some reason. So I will revisit that.
THANK YOU for ALL of your videos! This has been hugely insightful for my own journey figuring out the "game" that is life and not feeling completely alien while here, as well as helping me grow my self esteem and self-understanding, and healing areas of my relationship with my mother. Thank you! Much Love here! Keep going!🤗👌🏼🧡
Both of you seem more mentally stable than the average person. Most people cannot sit down and carry on an intellectual conversation like I'm hearing here. I could not do this. However, there are times when I feel everyone around me is hopelessly delusional (I'm in America), or at least much more delusional than I am. For some reason, delusional thinking has become normalized. But I pay a much greater penalty just for being socially awkward.
Bc being asperger doesnt mean to have a mental illness or some shit like that.
We are quite logical and we are 100% for solutions instead of just drowning in a glass of water.
We like to feel in control, we need to, so we use our amazing brain to try to be free from our own paradigms.
But yeah, neurotypicals are super neurotic af.
I'm also in America, because America is a two continent, and here normies are quite delusional too.
"normal" people is usually fucking stupid, but hey, they are people so they have the freedom to live with their head in their ass if they want to.
this doesn’t seem weird at all for people with autism??? Something you’re interested in + deep conversation with someone who reciprocates that, I could do that for a good while. I’d need an alone break though at some point 😅. Maybe not all autistics but yeah idk why you find it so weird
You two, you guys, you are both just so good at connecting the personal mico experiences to the overall presentation of experiences. I laughed here, and I teared up. It's early days for me (at 40) as I'm starting to appreciate how all this has shaped my life without me knowing. You two are both awesome, and I'd love you to colab more often, even if only 3 or 4 times a year. The cocktail of your perspectives and the different ways you ask questions, the result is rich and humane. Love you both, and thank you.
I agree, you guys made a great pair. No interuptions, just additions, and both caring and very pointedly connecting. I think thats just how Autisticpeople are, or how anyone is whenconciously speaking about something so dear to them.
I relate to you so much Paul. I used to have hair down to my waist but wore it in a bun every day. Occasionally when I wore it down people told me how pretty my hair was and that they didn’t know it was so long. A light bulb finally turned on, and I realized my hair is long for other people and I resented getting ready. Now I have a very short pixie cut and I could not be happier, my mask is almost totally off.
Sam, I've been watching your videos for about a year now! I was misdiagnosed as bipolar but recently diagnosed Autistic and ADHD at the age of 33. You've helped me tremendously. Thank you! I feel so validated. 💗
Whenever I'm thrown into a new circumstance (a new class I took in university, a new job I started), I picked out one person that I liked (their mannerisms etc.), studied them thoroughly and then mimicked them to a tee. That's how I got through life.
But surely they realised you were copying them?
I’m 62, after looking up what autism/Aspergers in concerning someone I know it became a great awakening about my own life as so many thing fit like a glove. When I tell friends, two of which have a degree of some sorts in psychology disagree with me (who probably have low education on high functioning autism/Aspergers). Every time I watch your videos, I am more convinced. I have been so more of accepting of myself and more at peace. I with I could get a diagnosis but I know it would not be possible with my low finances and unlikely availability of finding such a person qualified to make a diagnosis. In my day with no internet and ignorance among teachers, i have hearing loss included, I was just considered dumb. Even in my adulthood. But it was not what it appeared to them and I had no way of expressing anything to them as I did not understand myself at the time. I learned to do a lot of masking and still do with those who do not accept me as I am.
I can relate so much when he says about how 'how are you' was really triggering. I have chronic illness as well so it magnifies the effect.
Ah yes, that dang common question! I work as a cashier and I started asking it more (when I was working, and I return to work soon)... and I didn't even want to, it just filled a silence and I thought people wanted to hear it... so that's one aspect of my mask, after listening to this and agreeing, I'm going to stop asking it, unless it's someone I really know personally + I really want to know, or whatever.
It does really irk me these days though that I essentially have to lie in order to be acceptable. I’ve done the thing about ‘my back hurts so I just need to walk around a bit’ thing, or saying I’m cold because I like to have my arms crossed/folded a lot of the time. Also I feel all this draws more attention to me which I HATE.
Thank you. I'm crying. I have been questioning whether I am autistic since I first saw a "female" autism checklist and this video (on top of being able to work remotely in 2020) has finally helped me understand the ways I have been masking my whole life.
I'm fairly confident I am not Autistic, but I relate to what you are saying to much with masking my ADHD. Love this!!
Thank you so much this has been so informative and I am starting to realise that I am probably autistic....feeling like I have masked all my life and after having hit a breaking point and being forced to stop and reflect in my life a lot is coming out....perhaps this explains why I lack close relationships other than that of my immediate family.....it has been a raw and difficult but necessary awakening....
Although I am not autistic I can really relate a lot to many of Paul’s experiences. At 50 I have recently been diagnosed with ADHD and after extensive reading and visiting many forums I was shocked to learn how different the actual lived experience of it is to the general societal “understanding” of what it is. I can so relate to how exhausting socialising can be, people looking at me weird for staring over their shoulder when I talk, when I vague out or walk around to process ideas and the constant awareness and pressure of trying to “act normal”. I early on learnt techniques and scripts to cope with social situations.
I feel at some point we will see there are more autistic people of what we think because we will notice some man are also able to mask and we will be able to identify more autistic people of what we are being able to diagnose nowadays.
Thank you very much for the video, I can't stress enough how useful it has been for me.
this video made me have so many realizations about myself. before my diagnosis I always thought there was something wrong with me because I would be so tired after doing things. people would want to do things after work and I'd make excuses not to because I need to lay down in a dark room for an hour or more after work. for a long time I th9i had some type of fatigue disorder or sleep disorder (I do have that too lol) but I now know it's because masking is so tiring. there's nothing wrong with me being more tired than other people!
I get exhausted, but not actually physically tired, more like mentally tired, even with visiting family members who I love and enjoy seeing. The more people, the quicker I get overstimulated and get anxious and jittery til I can barely sit still. And I have to cut the visit short. I make an excuse and go home or to my room to be alone. Ive always been this way so my family just assumes it's a weird quirk I have. I doubt anyone in my family realizes what the real problem is, which is the supreme effort it takes to mask. It's kinda weird cuz my mom will later remark that she could see I had had too much and needed to go.
And God forbid, I can't get away. I become miserable. I don't want any interaction and basically start to shut down. I zone out and ignore conversation around me, answer in monosyllables, get irritated by the least little thing.
Thanks, Sam. You've got me thinking about things. Do "people" really want to hear a specific answer when they ask me a question such as, "How are you?" or "Where you from?"? People seem to be OK with the strange (but honest) answers I give to these very difficult questions, because I am entertaining. Now, I don't think that I'm TRYING to be entertaining, but I am this way. Even these most banal of questions 9 times out of 10 quickly develop into lively discussions about me, the other, our general condition, art, hopes, dreams etc.
A friend of mine (we live in Germany) visited my home town, Brooklyn, with me a few years ago because I had told him that everyone there is just like me: friendly, real, playful, out of the box - very different to the customized behavior I've gotten to know here - and he wanted to go to a town with 4.5 million Howies. I took him everywhere and he was able to do a lot by himself - a big step for him - and we had a great time. I had a lot of fun with my compatriots and with him, that summer. It was, after all, my party.
About a half of a year later we were in the pizzeria talking about our vacation and he said, "Y'know, Howie, the people in Brooklyn are not like you, at all." This stopped me ice-cold. "But....", I began stammering. He continued, "They were just startled by you. You were really enjoying yourself and you were showing the people a good time." I didn't know this and had never looked (and never really cared). I sometimes go shopping here in Germany with his son who gets a kick out of how people enjoy me at the grocery store - mostly because I am having a good time singing with the tomatoes, pushing my cart and expressing excitement over the price of cheese to others while making recommendations and asking strangers for advice (talking back to the announcement-advertising coming out of the loudspeakers is also fun). I never thought that this was strange. It's wonderfully enjoyable and desirable and I'm glad I'm me.
I'm very grateful to a colleague of mine who, after I had withdrawn a proposal because the organisation to whom I had offered it was too slow and inflexible, told me, "That's not how you make friends, Howie." As usual I was shocked at this statement and asked him to expound on what he meant by this. "We are playing this game," this younger man lectured me. "I will like you if you act as though you like me." Recognizing the veracity of this statement made me laugh for days and, although the last thing from his mind was to help me, he did just that.
Once I was hurt, badly, when at a bus-stop a girl began to dance while humming a song. I had just decided to dance, too, when her mother told her to stop immediately before people think her to be crazy. I don't think I got on that bus. Of course I know that she killed her daughter just then, right in front of my eyes. I did manage to tell her that I thought she was being unduly cruel to her 6 year-old, despite my tears.
Nothing on your video or those from others I've viewed from Multineurological whatever sounds particularly strange or foreign to me. All those words could very well be coming out of my own mouth except the expressed feelings of pain, terror and hurt at the hands of others. Going from crying to laughter depending upon what is going on in my fantasy is extreme and enjoyable - even when riding the train. I'm glad to be me. Thank you me. I wish you very well and lots of joy. Thanks for the video.
YES> The last couple of years I had a big push in Consciousness too. We're stepping up and out!
Wow I love that script, “pass, next question”
I do agree that it feels aggressive when it’s really just assertive. I’ll try to keep it in mind to test out for myself and see how it feels
Okay so I recently discovered this channel and others like it and I just want to cry. These are the exact discussions I've wondered internally, and failed to articulate to others since childhood. I'm 34 now, and finally researching the possibility of having Asperger's. Holy hell everything just...clicks. I've tried to understand what's "wrong" with me and people in my life just write it off as being eccentric or quirky or awkward or obsessive. Which is fine I guess, as I got used to it. But I've mentioned possibly Asperger's and no one seems to be taking me seriously. Like, at all. I'm trying to get the courage to get diagnosed but now I'm just scared I'm wrong and everyone around me had a right to not take me seriously 💔 At the very least, I feel like I found the most authentic introspective people who I can finally talk to without me having the underlying need to express the gravity of my words and empathy. Or even apologize when I say and do things I don't realize isn't "normal."
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Omg "emotional intelligence as my special interest"
This is my number one masking technique!
As a fellow autistic, I feel so heard with this podcast! Bravo you two!
As an autistic I noticed she got his channel name wrong 😂
Can so relate to this!!...never had the confidence ...have always thought 'if they really knew me they wouldn't want to know ' and would only socialize when I had the energy unless they were trusted friends and family. Now Ive realized thro these videos that this is masking..I know what I'm dealing with!!
My confidence is building (albeit slowly) knowing I'm part of a wonderful neurodiverse community...I totally respect you guys your humour, commitment and authenticity. Thanx!
: I have been using the past few months of isolation, to help me learn how to connect to my inner self, bc the “masking to fit in “ was making me feel so sad - bc the masking in and of itself - is experienced as self rejection/ self condemnation. I realized - I was trying so hard to please others to such an extreme - I never allowed my true self to come out & interact as my true self in the world ..
I am working on reclaiming all the rejected parts of myself . And I’m giving myself permission to be myself 😃
Wow, I found this inspirational and inspiring. I am 74 years old and love learning about subjects like this. I found this post educational and a wonderfully entertaining tool. Thank you so much, it is an awakening to understanding knowledge is power. You are true teachers of understanding the emotional intelligence of human beings living with Asperger's.
We're literally the most beautiful souls in a world filled with hatred and wars. Hopefully, we can help the rulers of our societies to open their eyes to what true love really is 💖
You talk about your dreads as a way to interact with people. I on the other hand have almost always had a beard. and this spring i got my diagnosis and I let it grow very long. It feels like a sheild, protection against the world. And i can correct my beard and stroke it and feel some comfort from myself like a stim.
And by the way You two rules!!!!!!!!
The sheer amount of times I had to rapidly tap the screen to rewind 40-50 seconds because my neurodivergent-ass (ADHD & Autism) is unable to concentrate while also relating to myself, gotta take the video in stages and bite sized pieces😂. So nice watching and listening to people that are able to put what I feel day to day into such understandable words.
I relate so much to the suppressing of emotional reactions. I started going to a therapist for it and he was so soothing that literally the first session I let it all out, session two I let it all out again, session three I didn’t mask at all, and there hasn’t been a session four because just those three sessions helped me enough to put me on the right path to figuring out who I actually am and taking off my mask more regularly. I’m not worried about loosing friends because I don’t have many. I’ve already told all of them I’m sure I’m autistic and they’ve been very ok with it. I guess I wasn’t very good at masking around them after all. 🤷🏼♀️ it helps that they are all a bit weird in their own ways. None are autistic, but anxiety, ADHD, etc are all common in my small group of friends and that helps.
Actually it’s really nice hearing you guys referring to us autistic people as a community, makes me feel part of something where usually I don’t have any sense of belonging, thanks heaps.
My two most favorite youtoub persons on the spectrum having a conversation on autism. So spot on. Thank you. You both are great! But together just simply fantastic!! This was very helpful
Assertion vs aggression is so hard to understand I feel like. I struggled for years to start being assertive and understand it's not aggression. I am so lucky to have had some of the close friends I had growing up, because they are were I learned to be assertive and see how they react to understand that they didn't feel like it was aggressive, or if they did; I could usually dive into the emotion I triggered and explain or apologize for it. Video games eventually helped me learn this too so I could employ some of the practices you said professionally.
I think the biggest thing that helped me learn this though was love, in the many ways we encounter it in life. The times in life where I could have changed someones life, or even helped save it had I just had the courage and confidence to be more up front with the emotions I knew to be true; these moments will always be there with me.
But I digress, this video is amazing, I have been asking myself if I'm on a spectrum for the last few years and these channels have been so incredibly validating it's incredible. Thank you both
learning to not be ashamed of your 'differentness' or even learning to be proud of yourself, your perspective and the things you like, to the point where other people's approval means little is very powerful
It's pretty great actually. Masking doesn't have to be inauthentic, it's like acting. Masking for the right reasons which makes me and others have a smooth time. I'm often a very honest, charismatic bullshit artist. It takes more bandwidth to regulate what I'm perceiving and how I think I'm being perceived. But I've gotten so accustomed to it I'm just hella mind ripped 🏋️ The downside is that if highly threatened, the same skillset is often used to manipulate to create safety, for example getting pulled over and needing to get through the experience without getting hurt or arrested
This guy has kicked a huge hole in the wall of my life…I had no idea 🤷♀️ these things were here with me.
Thanks 🙏❤️
I used to make the most accurate cubes that I could with Blue-Tak.
Haha me too! The perfect blu tack cube was so satisfying!
I still do!!!
same
Still do this!
I made pyramids!!
This is one of the most enlightening videos I have watched. I had my first meeting with a local "specialist" today. I was a bit shocked. He did have an extensive questionnaire asking all sorts of questions. I guess it is supposed to be hard to get in to see him. He ended our appointment with saying, yes, I am taking your case. I am going to have some of my staff administer some tests, four hours worth and then I will see you for an hour and give you a diagnosis. Watching this is like putting on the most wonderfully fitting shoes. I want more of your discussions. What you are saying is really assuring. Yo Samdy, your recognition of your, "Hey, I'm autistic!" moments are really funny!
Two of my favorite Aspie’s. 💞 Thank you both so much for the great content. “Masking was just called coping.” Umph. Felt that bit on a physical level. Looking forward to the summit.
Maleah Jacobs Don't tell the The Aspie World that.
He so narassitic he thinks that he most subscribed autistic you tuber he is the most popular he's not.
I hear that a lot do get annoyed by Dan.
He does everything social media.
Tik Tok. And his channel is an first 2 minutes self promotion to his channel.
And skippable ads.
But sadly during the Samdy break.
The Aspie World is only channel that doesn't have a break.
Also I'm angry at Dan that he showed no empathy during lock down for the all the people that died during lock down.
The whole world has been affected by this pandemic it not just those us autistic routine out the window.
The whole routing went out the window.
And there work stop which pays the bills puts food on the table.
"All lives matter".
@@garyfrancis5015 Who is Dan?
The guy in the video is Paul.
Tracey #RealVegan I know the guy in the video Paul he is great.
So Dan. There is channel called The Aspie World he has 127k subs.
He is from UK.
I though everyone in the autism community had heard of his channel.
Well I was wrong.
Sorry, My comment doesn't make sense.
Gary Francis Dan’s channel does my head in. So much stopping and starting, it really grates on my nerves. However, it was a video of his where he interviewed a female autistic that gave me my enlightenment moment.
This video moved me to tears. First time in my life I've seen two such eloquent people that show how the neurodivergent experience can look like when it comes to masking. I'm a high masking AuDHD male and this is groundbreaking for me. I finished all my schools up to masters degree with great results and was very quite liked socially because I was masking and larping almost NON-STOP. Hovewer I always felt almost like a different species entirely, like there is such a difference in how I see world and how others experience it. I'm on my journey now to become fullly ok with my authentic expressions and behaviors and its such a relief. Thanks again @Aspergers from the Inside & @Yo Samdy Sam for this brilliant conversation!
oh boy... the part about being unable to say you're fine if you're not... I felt that. Usually I find ways to not answer the question at all because I know the person doesn't care, or if they do they're gonna question me and last thing I want when I feel like shit is to have a conversation -_-
If I could ever express every feeling/emotion I have felt and had the ability to put it into words...it would be all of this video- word to word.
Keep practicing. I am trying to do the same.
In high school, I clowned around, so I got accepted.
I am still very quiet and really upfront.
I think that fitness or muscle exercises really helps me recognise my own Authentic body feeling
12:30 this just blew my mind as a black woman on so many levels.
I’m currently trying to get assessed for autism because I suspect that I have it and one of things that makes me believe so is experiencing burnout from masking so long.
I worked 7 years straight before the pandemic and I heavily relied on my appearance as apart of my persona. I wore my natural hair for most of my life before I started working, when I realized ppl would treat me differently due to how I talked and how I carried myself, from one job to another, I changed my appearance and how I would talk to ppl, I heavily relied on wigs even though I hated the way they felt on my skin. Each wig was like a new mask and without it I felt like everyone could see the real me, the same with makeup-it literally feels like a mask on your face but that’s what I did so I could fit in. Not only did I have pressure just from being black in a predominantly white area, but I was terribly weird and awkward and I had to suppress all of it if I wanted to keep a job. When the job got too overwhelming, I blamed it on the customers and coworkers and I would quit before they could “fire me”(I always told myself that they would fire me if they knew the real me). I know so many non-autistic black ppl have dealt with this, so much we call it code-switching, but for me I could barely even manage to do that as the years went on. I have a very odd speech so I didn’t sound like anyone around me, so the wig and makeup for so many years was a way for me to cope through these environments, it helped me fake it until I couldn’t anymore. The intense anxiety I felt by masking almost felt like life or death, I knew the only way I could get jobs or make friends was by faking it. I couldn’t stim physically or even vocally, I had to hide everything.
Thank you for this video! It just shed TONS of light on these things in my own life. Paul’s life story has 95% overlap with my life. Good to learn these behaviors now have official words “Masking, “Stim”, etc. Been doing both my whole life - physical and virtual. Going to start the education process with friends, family, and work, with this very video. This will be my “come out” moment at 53 years old. So folks can hopefully learn I’m not intentionally annoying.
I used to just refer to my Autism as “The Curse of Intelligence”. Seeing all these minute details around me that no one else is seeing. Sounds to the layman, like a superpower, right? Until you tell them those “tiny details” includes unfortunately FLAWS - in personality, processes at work, etc. Within about 90 seconds into meeting a new person or group, you see 40 good traits and 40 problems, and the problems all look HUGE to you. My brain is immediately cataloging all the IQs in the room, and personality types / disorders: That person: 140 IQ & HPD. That guy: 135 IQ and OCD. That girl: 142 and SAD. The guy: 110 IQ masoganist Alpha. That guy 105 IQ & Narcissism Disorder. Etc. It’s a nightmare, frankly!!!! I’ve had trouble at my Web Development jobs because of this. First 6 months to a year at jobs, I’ve always had to go into my shell, and plug my ears and hum. Now I know it has a term. Masking. Thank you!
School was always hard for me. When I take IQ tests, I get all by the last question right (148). I was put in “Gifted and Talented” program in elementary school. But I was also having outbursts at recess in 3rd grade. So they also stuck me in “speech class” which was really just relaxation exercises. Now I accomplish that same thing thru mastering new hobbies: Skiing, Gym, MTBing, Photography, Motorcycle Racing, learning a new instrument or Programming Language. My first career at age 22 was managing beach-front hotels at the Jersey Shore. (A HS buddy owned the Aqua Beach Resort in Wildwood Crest, NJ, and hooked me with a job.) I had no prior exp in that business, but as soon as I got there, all I saw around me was utter CHOAS!! 20 process problems, 20 immoral Customer Service policies, etc. Every problem looked enormous to me, I’m thinking, “This is just common sense stuff! How are these people not seeing these things as problems? How is this hotel even making $1 let alone the $30,000,000 they’re making”?. I immediately try to fix them, of course, and got denied repeatedly, for about 2 years. Very conservative family owned it. “This is just how we’ve always done it. Therefore: valid.” Then, they did eventually yield, and thank me 3 years later. It doesn’t ever occur to people they may have Stephen Hawking on their hands. (I was just fired again from a Software Engineering job for unmasking. I had some impulse-control issues in meetings. Me trying again to fix problems no one else is seeing. ) I’ve always been the one solving the hardest problems in the company, when I have the support I need to do the extremely deep dives into things that I like to do. Deep dives take time! Being the most well-researched person in the company, also takes time. I'm constantly mentally working on the problems, even on nights and weekends.
About 5 years ago, I figured out the succinct way to describe Masking. I’ve started referring to this as “doing parody”. That’s exactly what it is. You’re putting on a show of someone who isn’t you. From age 18 to 23, I was a gigging Hair-Metal musician in the 80s. Having hair down to my waist, was the ice breaker I could never do myself in social situations. I LOVED MY HAIR! It become an incredibly useful tool to get me in with the cool kids. When I show people a pic of my bands these days, I go, “This is most accurately described as a Computer-Nerd, Band Geek outcast, doing PARODY of a badass for 5 years.”
I feel like every identity I've ever put on is a parody. Athletic intellectual.
Hair covering homeschool Mom
Bipolar antisocial rebel
Divorced cougar
Etc
This is the best masking discussion I’ve ever seen anywhere by anyone. You two are able to communicate effectively and efficiently, the video was packed with insight I’ll review again and again. ❤️
i'm crying as I write this...so much of your experiences fit my 40 years on this earth. Diagnosed with ADHD as a child, never fit in, cant hold relationships, I still cant drive a car. Your channels are opening my eyes to so many of my own life events. Thank you so much for all your doing. Need to learn more, but your changing my whole view on my life. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
I think I've more often just avoided sharing much personal information at all (probably because of reactions I'd gotten) and found that people take issue with it because I'm not open enough. Then I'm too secretive and people don't trust me. I had to learn to talk about myself more. Now on topics I like that aren't me, I'm much more inclined to overtalk.
Thank you. I know I am. I read all these messages. My favorite quote is "be you, only you can."
When I am asked “ How are you?” I tend to answer honestly that I’m “all kinds”, and follow with “ I need a context to that question”
Same....I have just started saying "I'm fine", regardless of intended context
It is like a handshake or a greeting ritual. Literally, it’s How are you? Fine, thanks. How are you?
If you put your hand out for a handshake, and the other person starts massaging your hand, then that’s the “wrong” response. Both people meet hands in the middle for a brief handshake.
That is all “How are you?” question is.
@@Etuffly I think many also accept "How are you?" as a response to question "How are you?" because that's literally handshake protocol for start of the discussion. It makes zero logical sense but neurotypical people seem to be happy with it.
I’m beginning to ‘unmask’ and rediscover who I am, as an autistic person. It’s a tiring journey for me to make, but I’m still kind to myself in the process. Thank you for creating this. The message goes farther and wider than you’ll ever realise. 🙏🏻💟☮️
"how are you" being a trigger, I feel that. I've often enjoyed going off script with answers of "miserable", "existing", "surviving" and sometimes just a shake of the head.
Well I was told by my parents I have Asperger’s now I’m 43 and having to learn it it’s becoming a best thing for me I love it very happy to have Asperger’s
I really love the Asperger's from the Inside which is why I clicked on the video. It influenced me to start my own channel called TheAspieMe. I was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome when I was 11, now 17. Masking has two sides to it. The first side of it is "I have to mask because people are not going to hang out with me. So I need to keep it on." OR The second side is "If I mask, people are not going to believe that I have autism. So I need to keep it off ." I am trying to find that balance.
"If we're going to be damned, let's be damned for what we really are."
-Jean-Luc Picard