People pleasing is exhausting... especially when one wears the mask of people pleasing on the outside and wanting to be "normal" and accepted... and then comes home and implodes. Exhausting
People pleasing is such a hard thing to kick. When I was a kid, I learned that people pleasing and masking were 'polite'. It wasn't really anyone intentionally teaching me (I wasn't diagnosed as autistic or ADHD until I was an adult), I just noticed I got more positive reactions when I did those things and got praised for them. It got me into a sort of servile mindset when socializing. I thought it was my duty to make others feel comfortable and happy, no matter how I felt. I thought my job was to entertain people, to only talk about the things they like, to keep awkward silence at a minimal. I knew I was struggling socially, but I thought that the point of socializing was just to not get a negative reaction, so I thought I was becoming more skilled by taking on more people pleasing behaviors. When I got passionate about something I cared about, I'd gotten negative reactions (blank stares, disinterest, people saying they were weird), so I stopped talking about those things and started asking other people what they care about, even if I had no interest or actively disliked it, and even if I knew nothing about it, I'd ask follow up questions or encourage them to explain it and just try to be engaged because that's what I wished people would've done for me. I do genuinely like hearing about other people's interests, I love when someone gets passionate about something. I need to relearn how to let myself do that too, because I understand now that friendship is supposed to be reciprocal. I feel like people pleasing can honestly even be dangerous. I learned that eliciting a positive reaction from others was the only important thing, and that my feelings of discomfort (or even fight/flight/freeze/fawn) were normal to feel in a public setting and also wrong and not to be listened to: and a sign that I 'wasn't doing good enough', with no culpability placed on anyone else even if they were intentionally making me feel that way. That is REALLY BAD when the people around you don't have good intentions, and you feel like 'no' is not a word you have a right to say. I essentially unlearned how to trust my gut in a public setting, and am usually so frazzled and socially/sensorily overwhelmed that I really struggle to operate on a non-autopilot basis and actually make conscious decisions instead of following the path of least resistance. Even just for my own safety, it's really important to start challenging those people pleasing behaviors I Iearned. The ability to enjoy having friends again for the first time since I was like 5 would also be a nice bonus. It is weird though, to figure out what politeness is without people pleasing, and learning when I need to stop being polite is very very confusing.
I hear this all the time. My grandparents who were wonderful but old fashioned wanted me to be polite all the time. I think part of this journey is to realize where we need to show our real needs and that we can do it in a way that is kind but without bending over backwards. And to work on making us happy rather than everyone else! More to come on this topic! Thanks for watching.
Oh, that makes a ton of sense, parsing actions through kindness instead necessarily politeness. Thanks so much for the tip! And also just making this content in general. You're doing a really great job. There's pretty much 0 services for neurodivergent adults in my area, so most of my support comes from my own trial and error, and study. At first it was really just shots in the dark, because I knew I needed to do different stuff to start thriving, I just... didn't know what it was. Over time I've slowly learned where to look for resources, but I certainly still have gaps, and I'm always on the lookout for new ways to address them. Content like yours has been my 'ok, I'm diagnosed, now what??' (found you through another such content maker, Jessica from How to ADHD!), and it's such an incredible gift to the neurodiverse community - especially because unfortunately, my experience of the medical/mental health system having very little to offer after diagnosis is anything but unique, and largely dependent on where someone lives. I've found a ton of resources on sensory things, executive dyfunction things, dyslexia things, mental and emotional introspection things, but I had a serious derth in my resources for social things, so it was kind of just on a backburner while I handled the stuff I actually had an idea what to do with. You have really great actionable advice that has some really nice, clear examples to help think about specific times this stuff could apply to oneself (like 'oh yeah, I remember when that happened to me'), but also general enough not to restrict the use cases of the advice. It's very refreshing to see advice for neurodiverse socializing that isn't 'the only thing that matters is making yourself as palatable as possible for everyone else, here's how to mask' or 'everyone is toxic, torch all bridges, never talk to anyone again', because neither of them actually address the root problems of why socializing can be so hard. And it's even more refreshing to see advice for how to socialize that focuses on the advice-taker's internal wellbeing and asks what they want. It's inspiring me to think about when I next decide to put myself out there socially, this time with a bit of hope instead of just nervousness. I'm definitely going to be putting your advice in my toolbox, and recommending your content when people ask for the resources I use. Thank you so much for sharing your skills and experience with so much passion and empathy. (Sorry if this was a bit ramble-y also.) I hope you have a lovely day!
Wait, friendship goals? What is this mystery you speak of? Ha! No, I know this is important, but paying attention to and knowing what I enjoy and proactively seeking it out feels like a lot of work sometimes. It's easier to default to other people's preferences. But it's not really fair to the people I'm around, or myself! I completely lose track of who I am sometimes. Thanks for the reminder to practice! And that I'm not alone! Keep the videos coming! I need to hear this stuff!
I can relate to this sooo much as a people pleaser and needing approval as a kid and as an adult. Yet today ive been able to change my ways. Many thanks to you Caroline for teaching me how to fix that people pleasing issue i USED to have!
You are SO spot on! I see this in my teenage daughter and we haven’t had enough language around the links between her ADHD and her pleasing. Thank you!!!
What do you do when you try to set boundaries but the other person just doesn't care about them and disregards your needs to do what they want? Especially if it's a close family member who just won't listen or comply!?
That would be a good video. The short answer is you reiterate the boundary and then you get support to cope with them. I also have had therapists help come up with phrases you can say like I am sorry that you feel this way. Hang in there. Caroline
sadly you are right in every word you have said i hate losing people im aganist all the possible social norme ever existed so hard to fit in this world , be my fried haha im women from saudi
It took me till years into my 20’s to realize it would be preferable not to have friends than to have friends you have to do things you don’t want to do in order to keep.❤️🩹
People pleasing is exhausting... especially when one wears the mask of people pleasing on the outside and wanting to be "normal" and accepted... and then comes home and implodes. Exhausting
People pleasing is such a hard thing to kick. When I was a kid, I learned that people pleasing and masking were 'polite'. It wasn't really anyone intentionally teaching me (I wasn't diagnosed as autistic or ADHD until I was an adult), I just noticed I got more positive reactions when I did those things and got praised for them.
It got me into a sort of servile mindset when socializing. I thought it was my duty to make others feel comfortable and happy, no matter how I felt. I thought my job was to entertain people, to only talk about the things they like, to keep awkward silence at a minimal. I knew I was struggling socially, but I thought that the point of socializing was just to not get a negative reaction, so I thought I was becoming more skilled by taking on more people pleasing behaviors.
When I got passionate about something I cared about, I'd gotten negative reactions (blank stares, disinterest, people saying they were weird), so I stopped talking about those things and started asking other people what they care about, even if I had no interest or actively disliked it, and even if I knew nothing about it, I'd ask follow up questions or encourage them to explain it and just try to be engaged because that's what I wished people would've done for me. I do genuinely like hearing about other people's interests, I love when someone gets passionate about something. I need to relearn how to let myself do that too, because I understand now that friendship is supposed to be reciprocal.
I feel like people pleasing can honestly even be dangerous. I learned that eliciting a positive reaction from others was the only important thing, and that my feelings of discomfort (or even fight/flight/freeze/fawn) were normal to feel in a public setting and also wrong and not to be listened to: and a sign that I 'wasn't doing good enough', with no culpability placed on anyone else even if they were intentionally making me feel that way. That is REALLY BAD when the people around you don't have good intentions, and you feel like 'no' is not a word you have a right to say. I essentially unlearned how to trust my gut in a public setting, and am usually so frazzled and socially/sensorily overwhelmed that I really struggle to operate on a non-autopilot basis and actually make conscious decisions instead of following the path of least resistance. Even just for my own safety, it's really important to start challenging those people pleasing behaviors I Iearned. The ability to enjoy having friends again for the first time since I was like 5 would also be a nice bonus.
It is weird though, to figure out what politeness is without people pleasing, and learning when I need to stop being polite is very very confusing.
I hear this all the time. My grandparents who were wonderful but old fashioned wanted me to be polite all the time. I think part of this journey is to realize where we need to show our real needs and that we can do it in a way that is kind but without bending over backwards. And to work on making us happy rather than everyone else! More to come on this topic! Thanks for watching.
Oh, that makes a ton of sense, parsing actions through kindness instead necessarily politeness. Thanks so much for the tip! And also just making this content in general. You're doing a really great job. There's pretty much 0 services for neurodivergent adults in my area, so most of my support comes from my own trial and error, and study. At first it was really just shots in the dark, because I knew I needed to do different stuff to start thriving, I just... didn't know what it was. Over time I've slowly learned where to look for resources, but I certainly still have gaps, and I'm always on the lookout for new ways to address them.
Content like yours has been my 'ok, I'm diagnosed, now what??' (found you through another such content maker, Jessica from How to ADHD!), and it's such an incredible gift to the neurodiverse community - especially because unfortunately, my experience of the medical/mental health system having very little to offer after diagnosis is anything but unique, and largely dependent on where someone lives. I've found a ton of resources on sensory things, executive dyfunction things, dyslexia things, mental and emotional introspection things, but I had a serious derth in my resources for social things, so it was kind of just on a backburner while I handled the stuff I actually had an idea what to do with. You have really great actionable advice that has some really nice, clear examples to help think about specific times this stuff could apply to oneself (like 'oh yeah, I remember when that happened to me'), but also general enough not to restrict the use cases of the advice.
It's very refreshing to see advice for neurodiverse socializing that isn't 'the only thing that matters is making yourself as palatable as possible for everyone else, here's how to mask' or 'everyone is toxic, torch all bridges, never talk to anyone again', because neither of them actually address the root problems of why socializing can be so hard. And it's even more refreshing to see advice for how to socialize that focuses on the advice-taker's internal wellbeing and asks what they want. It's inspiring me to think about when I next decide to put myself out there socially, this time with a bit of hope instead of just nervousness.
I'm definitely going to be putting your advice in my toolbox, and recommending your content when people ask for the resources I use. Thank you so much for sharing your skills and experience with so much passion and empathy. (Sorry if this was a bit ramble-y also.) I hope you have a lovely day!
Wait, friendship goals? What is this mystery you speak of? Ha! No, I know this is important, but paying attention to and knowing what I enjoy and proactively seeking it out feels like a lot of work sometimes. It's easier to default to other people's preferences. But it's not really fair to the people I'm around, or myself! I completely lose track of who I am sometimes. Thanks for the reminder to practice! And that I'm not alone! Keep the videos coming! I need to hear this stuff!
Thank you so much. I am so glad you like the videos. Thank you for watching.
I can relate to this sooo much as a people pleaser and needing approval as a kid and as an adult. Yet today ive been able to change my ways. Many thanks to you Caroline for teaching me how to fix that people pleasing issue i USED to have!
Ha ha. We all fall into it. Feeling like we are getting picked!!
You are SO spot on! I see this in my teenage daughter and we haven’t had enough language around the links between her ADHD and her pleasing. Thank you!!!
You are so welcome. We deserve so much more. I wish I could talk to my teen self and say - dont people please ! So glad this helped.
What do you do when you try to set boundaries but the other person just doesn't care about them and disregards your needs to do what they want? Especially if it's a close family member who just won't listen or comply!?
That would be a good video. The short answer is you reiterate the boundary and then you get support to cope with them. I also have had therapists help come up with phrases you can say like I am sorry that you feel this way. Hang in there. Caroline
sadly you are right in every word you have said i hate losing people im aganist all the possible social norme ever existed so hard to fit in this world , be my fried haha im women from saudi
It took me till years into my 20’s to realize it would be preferable not to have friends than to have friends you have to do things you don’t want to do in order to keep.❤️🩹
Completely better to wait to find the right people!