I have definitely kept my distance from people in order to stay feeling safe Unfortunately, that has led to me feeling both lonely and alone at various times in my life.. Im now working on correcting this maladaptive stress response, but I am doing so in very small steps in order to avoid the one forward and three back scenario.
My exact same situation, I think I just did one step forward 3 steps back the last weeks. Super fine balance and process, where deeper unconscious or automatic behaviors, beliefs , emotions and nervous system can sabotage it and keep the loops going. Big hugs friend may you succeed , super tough and difficult where you can feel totally alone with no help or real life support
Sabotaged many relationships when younger due to this. Avoidants/fearful-avoidants like myself tend to only activate like this when there's genuine emotional investment in somebody, as then the stakes are much higher for a replication of the pain of the original abandonment. Nowadays I try to use communication to prevent this from happening, but it is sad/difficult to need so much longer to develop enough trust to have an intimate relationship with somebody. One of the reasons I have given up on online dating - too much is expected too soon for me to feel safe and trusting enough.
I can so relate to that. I practised keeping eye contact with people that i felt some safety with at first. Then, only when i felt comfortable with that did I try it with other people.. Very small, slow steps, but you can get there in the end... Please don't give up. You 'CAN' do it. It might not be easy, but it's definitely worth it in the end..
On point for me, although only in romantic attachments. Avoidant feelings don't arise in friendships - close or otherwise - or in casual acquaintances. I'm very socially adept and available in those types of relationships. No doubt because they're non-threatening and don't require me to take on feelings of responsibility for the other person's well being. In romantic attachments the sense of responsibility for the other's happiness or well being triggers resentment and anger, presumably linked to similar feelings in childhood produced by adults abdicating or neglecting their parental responsibilities for providing a caring, nurturing environment.
I'm most comfortable being with one or two people at a time so party environments are definitely not for me. Unless I could dance off the tension I feel while I'm there, except there aren't too many parties like that for 75 year olds..... :0)
I recognise what you have just described. I suffer from cptsd suffered from neglect and sexual abuse and was treated so bad not getting much food felt so alone and still feel that I don't have any other feelings because I shut them out I was told that my abuser had a boyfriend for me when I was older and they tried to make me look like I'm the bad one when all I needed was help and to be loved now I see intermercy as a choir I have done therapy and I'm done with it I just want to know the truth about how they lied about me and manipulated me all I needed was to be treated right and be loved
I think there is a dual problem in relationship and for sure self regulation is important but so many people are coming from inappropriate need and so I always focus on my personal boundaries and keep to my spiritual sense and not a conventional way of relationship of old script. Most people seem to stay in that place and so its not just about regulation and self processing which of course are important.
I have walls for my walls.
I have definitely kept my distance from people in order to stay feeling safe
Unfortunately, that has led to me feeling both lonely and alone at various times in my life..
Im now working on correcting this maladaptive stress response, but I am doing so in very small steps in order to avoid the one forward and three back scenario.
My exact same situation, I think I just did one step forward 3 steps back the last weeks. Super fine balance and process, where deeper unconscious or automatic behaviors, beliefs , emotions and nervous system can sabotage it and keep the loops going. Big hugs friend may you succeed , super tough and difficult where you can feel totally alone with no help or real life support
Sabotaged many relationships when younger due to this. Avoidants/fearful-avoidants like myself tend to only activate like this when there's genuine emotional investment in somebody, as then the stakes are much higher for a replication of the pain of the original abandonment. Nowadays I try to use communication to prevent this from happening, but it is sad/difficult to need so much longer to develop enough trust to have an intimate relationship with somebody. One of the reasons I have given up on online dating - too much is expected too soon for me to feel safe and trusting enough.
Yes this is me
Ugh
I don’t keep eye contact and I turn away 😢
I can so relate to that.
I practised keeping eye contact with people that i felt some safety with at first.
Then, only when i felt comfortable with that did I try it with other people..
Very small, slow steps, but you can get there in the end...
Please don't give up.
You 'CAN' do it.
It might not be easy, but it's definitely worth it in the end..
On point for me, although only in romantic attachments. Avoidant feelings don't arise in friendships - close or otherwise - or in casual acquaintances. I'm very socially adept and available in those types of relationships. No doubt because they're non-threatening and don't require me to take on feelings of responsibility for the other person's well being. In romantic attachments the sense of responsibility for the other's happiness or well being triggers resentment and anger, presumably linked to similar feelings in childhood produced by adults abdicating or neglecting their parental responsibilities for providing a caring, nurturing environment.
I fix other people, so that I can avoid looking at my own issues.
I'm most comfortable being with one or two people at a time so party environments are definitely not for me. Unless I could dance off the tension I feel while I'm there, except there aren't too many parties like that for 75 year olds..... :0)
I recognise what you have just described. I suffer from cptsd suffered from neglect and sexual abuse and was treated so bad not getting much food felt so alone and still feel that I don't have any other feelings because I shut them out I was told that my abuser had a boyfriend for me when I was older and they tried to make me look like I'm the bad one when all I needed was help and to be loved now I see intermercy as a choir I have done therapy and I'm done with it I just want to know the truth about how they lied about me and manipulated me all I needed was to be treated right and be loved
I think there is a dual problem in relationship and for sure self regulation is important but so many people are coming from inappropriate need and so I always focus on my personal boundaries and keep to my spiritual sense and not a conventional way of relationship of old script. Most people seem to stay in that place and so its not just about regulation and self processing which of course are important.
Is that why I only feel safe at night time
Incredible, I feel most relaxed and maybe safe at night :)
But I don't think I avoid intimacy. On the contrary - intimacy avoids me!
Attract-repel-rejoice. And suffers from lack of ability to be intimate.
I say that I’m an egg surrounded by an onion.