This is what I worked out about my attachment issues via my childhood. I’m vulnerable to manipulation, due to my sense of self never being constructed via co-regulation by my caregivers. The constant avoidance of accountability by them & berating of my senses. Left my ability to form solid boundaries & the conviction to defend them inactive. I fawn in the face of toxicity & forgoes my own needs and desires. This has left me recognising toxic people as safe due to familiarity. It takes years to get to this conclusion… & we all get there in different ways.
@@LewisPsychology yes it’s been a turbulent 5 years. Was in narcissistic relationship. Which ended as they do. Completely destroyed my mental health. 5 breakdowns later & discovering my life has been in a narcissistic family unit. All fell into place when my father passed away & we were left with our mother. Who discarded her children (50,53 & 56) very distressing, but I’m climbing up out of it now. Thank you for kind words ❤️🩹
@thesagemeister Wow, this is marvelously well stated with helpful clarity and insight. You must be a good teacher (in whatever you may share with others). I have not thought about why some are easily manipulated vs others who are not, they stand strong in their convictions until they choose to shift based on evidence, rather coercion or manipulation. You opened a door of curiosity for me. (More rabbit holes to put put on my list! *LOL*)
My therapist suggested I read Erik Eriksons Psychosocial Stages as I am having attachment issues with my family. It scared the hell out of me. Trust vs Mistrust, Autonomy vs Shame and Doubt. I was able to see that I have more than just attachment issues. I think this video will be helpful. Thanks
I feel like I started out in my adult life with a very secure attachment style except in my teen years. Luckily I had my head in the right place and I learned to rely on myself when I couldn't rely on others. Fast-forward into dating I was independent and caring. Red flags and boundaries weren't a staple. I was the bread winner, and this enabled my ex to fault on supporting and taking responsibility. Expecting him to care when I couldn't provide caused him to resent me just like I was burnt out on providing and working myself to death. Seeing how the shoe never quite fit on the other foot, things really took a turn for the worst. Now I'm struggling to see what a healthy relationship looks like. Thank you for this.
I have a disorganized attachment style, was just talking about it with my therapist last week! Luckily I am working on reparenting/IFS and I think it's been helpful, although it takes time...gotta trust the process.
Good to hear you are working on this in therapy. I have videos on reparenting and IFS which you may find useful. Wishing all the best with your therapy. Teresa.
I was very lucky with my parents and have a secure attachment. I was even more lucky to meet this wonderful human being, a young woman wanting to get into a romantic relationship. Unfortunately, she has avoidant or even disorganised attachment. We had great years in a long distance relationship, but the next step, moving in together, got her anxiety triggered. I really hope she can overcome her fears, but she refuses my help and now contact. I feel powerless.😢 And yet our love is so strong.💝 For now I can only hope for the best.
Is it possible to have some friends/family members where you do have a more secure attachment, but your overall attachment style with everyone else is different? I've definitely had a friend or two where I wasn't (as) afraid of being abandoned, but overall, I still don't have a great attachment to most other people I know - even my adoptive mother - including poor emotional constancy/what people with ADHD might call poor object constancy (aka, out of sight, out of mind, even for people I've considered best friend material in some cases). I do know my early years' experience caused the initial damage - I was adopted because my birth mum developed postpartum psychosis and didn't bond with me properly even after two years - *but*, I also don't think my adoptive family were that helpful either, overall, in terms of helping me learn to connect with others and learn things like emotional intimacy and trust. I've been in therapy for about 3 years and it is helping, but I still have work to do and much to learn.
Thanks for your question. You can also have different attachment styles with different people. Because of your past experiences, there may be certain people with whom you feel more secure.Wishing you all the best with your therapy. Best wishes, Teresa.
If secure attachment is secure, then wouldn't it have some amount of tolerance or acceptance for other attachment styles? Say someone is anxious attachment and on a scale of 0 to 100 for needing ongoing reassurance they have worked their need down to a ten or even lower, but still above zero. If someone is secure then they would have some capacity for acceptance of that need? If you're working towards secure attachment because other apparently secure people have no tolerance for other styles, are they secure or are they a sort of 'contingent secure' and they are only secure if you are? "I'm okay, but if you're not entirely okay then you're not okay". Which would really be a kind of avoidant attachment, though with plenty of friends (all based on contingent attachments).
Someone with a secure attachment style would have a degree of acceptance but they would never engage in psychological game play. Someone with a secure attachment style has good self esteem and would not allow themselves to be mistreated. Best wishes, Teresa.
@@LewisPsychologyThanks for your reply. I think while it's possible people can just not click with each other (and that's fine), I think even low levels of anxious attachment or avoidant attachment might have a strong effect on whether apparently secure people click with low level anxious/avoidant. Possibly a moderation analysis might show up this pattern, with either low levels of anxious attachment or avoidant attachment significantly moderating the relationship (with a negative relationship) between an apparently secure person's time spent with someone who is low level anxious/avoidant and level of familiarity/friendship developed.
I'm not positive about my attachment style, I've had an anxious one with the majority of the people I've interacted with...I felt like needing constant validation by my peers, and this led me to being bullied, manipulative friendships and emotional abuse as well. Growing up I've been working a lot on myself, I managed to cut off the toxic bonds and to create good friendships with people I deeply trust and with which I feel a secure attachment. Nonetheless I may have an avoidant or even disorganized one when it comes to romantic relationships...I've dated very little in my life, and I used to be very anxious whenever I did, always dreading both to hurt and being hurt, which again led me to a toxic relationship some years ago that lasted only a few months. Since then I've had almost no interactions with girls and as of now I feel too afraid, nervous and emotionally drained to try again in spite of a part of me that would like to and of my young age (I'm still in my early 20s)
Research in attachment theory has shown that sensitive response to the child's signals is one of the most important factors in forming a secure attachment. Best wishes, Teresa.
This is what I worked out about my attachment issues via my childhood.
I’m vulnerable to manipulation, due to my sense of self never being constructed via co-regulation by my caregivers. The constant avoidance of accountability by them & berating of my senses. Left my ability to form solid boundaries & the conviction to defend them inactive. I fawn in the face of toxicity & forgoes my own needs and desires. This has left me recognising toxic people as safe due to familiarity.
It takes years to get to this conclusion… & we all get there in different ways.
It sounds like you have done alot of work on yourself. Thank you for sharing your insights. Best wishes, Teresa.
@@LewisPsychology yes it’s been a turbulent 5 years. Was in narcissistic relationship. Which ended as they do. Completely destroyed my mental health. 5 breakdowns later & discovering my life has been in a narcissistic family unit. All fell into place when my father passed away & we were left with our mother. Who discarded her children (50,53 & 56) very distressing, but I’m climbing up out of it now. Thank you for kind words ❤️🩹
@thesagemeister Wow, this is marvelously well stated with helpful clarity and insight. You must be a good teacher (in whatever you may share with others). I have not thought about why some are easily manipulated vs others who are not, they stand strong in their convictions until they choose to shift based on evidence, rather coercion or manipulation. You opened a door of curiosity for me. (More rabbit holes to put put on my list! *LOL*)
My therapist suggested I read Erik Eriksons Psychosocial Stages as I am having attachment issues with my family. It scared the hell out of me. Trust vs Mistrust, Autonomy vs Shame and Doubt. I was able to see that I have more than just attachment issues. I think this video will be helpful. Thanks
I’m pleased to hear the video is helpful. Best wishes, Teresa.
I think I might find that book helpful, too - thank you for sharing the title!
I am disorganized. It's funny because if I had watched this same video in High School I would've had no idea that was me.
I feel like I started out in my adult life with a very secure attachment style except in my teen years. Luckily I had my head in the right place and I learned to rely on myself when I couldn't rely on others. Fast-forward into dating I was independent and caring. Red flags and boundaries weren't a staple. I was the bread winner, and this enabled my ex to fault on supporting and taking responsibility. Expecting him to care when I couldn't provide caused him to resent me just like I was burnt out on providing and working myself to death. Seeing how the shoe never quite fit on the other foot, things really took a turn for the worst. Now I'm struggling to see what a healthy relationship looks like. Thank you for this.
I’m sorry to hear what you have been through. Best wishes, Teresa.
I love how clearly you explain everything Teresa, thanks for the video!
Thanks for your support. Best wishes, Teresa.
I have a disorganized attachment style, was just talking about it with my therapist last week! Luckily I am working on reparenting/IFS and I think it's been helpful, although it takes time...gotta trust the process.
Good to hear you are working on this in therapy. I have videos on reparenting and IFS which you may find useful. Wishing all the best with your therapy. Teresa.
This is the clearest explanation of attachment styles Ive ever found. Thank you!!
Wow, thank you! Best wishes, Teresa.
Nice to see you again !!
Thank you. It’s great to be back. Best wishes, Teresa.
I was very lucky with my parents and have a secure attachment. I was even more lucky to meet this wonderful human being, a young woman wanting to get into a romantic relationship. Unfortunately, she has avoidant or even disorganised attachment. We had great years in a long distance relationship, but the next step, moving in together, got her anxiety triggered. I really hope she can overcome her fears, but she refuses my help and now contact. I feel powerless.😢 And yet our love is so strong.💝 For now I can only hope for the best.
I hope it works out for you. Best wishes, Teresa.
@@LewisPsychology Thanks, I hope so too! I can only hope she tackles this fear of commitment and support her if she lets me.
Great to see you again. Beautiful informative video! Thank you
Thank you so much. It’s great to be back. Best wishes, Teresa.
Very helpful, informative and just a bit scary. Helped me understand myself! Thank you. A bit to work on going forward.
As usual - very well communicated. Thank you.
Thank you kindly! Best wishes, Teresa.
Is it possible to have some friends/family members where you do have a more secure attachment, but your overall attachment style with everyone else is different?
I've definitely had a friend or two where I wasn't (as) afraid of being abandoned, but overall, I still don't have a great attachment to most other people I know - even my adoptive mother - including poor emotional constancy/what people with ADHD might call poor object constancy (aka, out of sight, out of mind, even for people I've considered best friend material in some cases).
I do know my early years' experience caused the initial damage - I was adopted because my birth mum developed postpartum psychosis and didn't bond with me properly even after two years - *but*, I also don't think my adoptive family were that helpful either, overall, in terms of helping me learn to connect with others and learn things like emotional intimacy and trust.
I've been in therapy for about 3 years and it is helping, but I still have work to do and much to learn.
Thanks for your question. You can also have different attachment styles with different people. Because of your past experiences, there may be certain people with whom you feel more secure.Wishing you all the best with your therapy. Best wishes, Teresa.
@@LewisPsychology thanks very much for your response :)
We have the same story 😢
If secure attachment is secure, then wouldn't it have some amount of tolerance or acceptance for other attachment styles? Say someone is anxious attachment and on a scale of 0 to 100 for needing ongoing reassurance they have worked their need down to a ten or even lower, but still above zero. If someone is secure then they would have some capacity for acceptance of that need? If you're working towards secure attachment because other apparently secure people have no tolerance for other styles, are they secure or are they a sort of 'contingent secure' and they are only secure if you are? "I'm okay, but if you're not entirely okay then you're not okay". Which would really be a kind of avoidant attachment, though with plenty of friends (all based on contingent attachments).
Someone with a secure attachment style would have a degree of acceptance but they would never engage in psychological game play. Someone with a secure attachment style has good self esteem and would not allow themselves to be mistreated. Best wishes, Teresa.
@@LewisPsychologyThanks for your reply. I think while it's possible people can just not click with each other (and that's fine), I think even low levels of anxious attachment or avoidant attachment might have a strong effect on whether apparently secure people click with low level anxious/avoidant. Possibly a moderation analysis might show up this pattern, with either low levels of anxious attachment or avoidant attachment significantly moderating the relationship (with a negative relationship) between an apparently secure person's time spent with someone who is low level anxious/avoidant and level of familiarity/friendship developed.
Great video as usual from lewis
Thanks 👍 Best wishes, Teresa.
This is really informative video.. I think I have mix of the three insecure attachments, I have no idea what to do about it 😅
Practice secure attachment behaviours whenever you can. The later part of my video explains. Best wishes, Teresa.
Could you elaborate about the specific neurological studies and brain studies relating to attachment styles? I would really appreciate it :)
I think that would involve making another video. Best wishes, Teresa
I'm not positive about my attachment style, I've had an anxious one with the majority of the people I've interacted with...I felt like needing constant validation by my peers, and this led me to being bullied, manipulative friendships and emotional abuse as well. Growing up I've been working a lot on myself, I managed to cut off the toxic bonds and to create good friendships with people I deeply trust and with which I feel a secure attachment. Nonetheless I may have an avoidant or even disorganized one when it comes to romantic relationships...I've dated very little in my life, and I used to be very anxious whenever I did, always dreading both to hurt and being hurt, which again led me to a toxic relationship some years ago that lasted only a few months. Since then I've had almost no interactions with girls and as of now I feel too afraid, nervous and emotionally drained to try again in spite of a part of me that would like to and of my young age (I'm still in my early 20s)
Do not let your anxiety keep you from living your best life!!
I just was assessed to have disorganized and still at 28 years old, I have trouble making and maintaining relationships with others……
Is it possible to have both avoidant and anxious attachmnet style at the same time?
You can have a different attachment style with different people. Best wishes, Teresa.
How does sleep training, such as cry it out, affect attachment style ?
Research in attachment theory has shown that sensitive response to the child's signals is one of the most important factors in forming a secure attachment. Best wishes, Teresa.
It will teach the baby their needs don't matter. Cry it out likely isn't sleep training, it's probably neglect. Read How to Parent by Fitzhugh Dodson
Great video but some people are in between these attachment styles.
Disorganized myself.
I have DISORGANIZED ATTACHMENT 😢
Isn't the correct spelling Affect with an A?
Thank you. Title corrected. Best wishes, Teresa.
Affects* not effects in the title. Please fix! Thank you, love from Dubai
Thank you. Changed. Best wishes, Teresa.
I’m like mark, I can’t get a relationship
❤❤❤