My Trauma Bond With The Narcissit Was Very Hard To Break 9 Yrs.. 1/ Loss Of Identity 2/ Feeling Powerless 3/ Difficult Setting Boundaries Saying No To The Narcissit 4/ Obsessive Thoughts About The Abuse /Overwhelming of Sadness. 5/ Difficulty Leaving I Have 2 Months of No Contact.
I am just now going through the same thing! I gave it my all and more for 7 and a half years and when I finally started noticing every little detail about his behaviour and how he was treating me, I finally realised I wasn't in a healthy relationship and left 2 months ago. He had bombarded me with msgs and calls for the last month. He even dropped by my house 2 days back! I've been in a downward spiral ever since and still unable to get back up. Sometimes I'm very confident and feel good about myself that I finally gathered the courage to leave. But sometimes I still become unsure about whether I'm doing the right thing or not... I'm so confused and have no idea what to do or think.
Congratulations!!! :) Keep on going 💪, I am preparing myself to start breaking it :) (She has something, that she knows I care about, but hopefully not for long)
Wow, this is so uplifting, it’s important to stay inspired. I feel a deep sense of emptiness, it’s been 2months since jack left and everyday feels like an eternity without him. My mind’s been flooded with memories of our time together. It’s so painful that I’d never get to experience the little things with him again. zI’ve texted him several times telling him how much I miss and want him sadly he replied none. Guess all I can do is just hold unto the memories.
It’s ok to grieve dear It’s clear that you’re not just missing jack but a part of yourself that you shared with him. Your message to him is a testament to the love you still have for him. It’s takes courage to be that vulnerable. It’s ok to feel the pain of heartbreak but don’t loose hope. My own heart break story is one of devastation . It was sudden and brutal leaving me lost. Desperate for solace and guidance, I reached out to a spiritual counselor who was recommended by a friend for help.
Me too, so I worked on my own character. It taught me to be able to identify what was happening. Having my own narrative and being able to hold onto it is an improvement. I have found the closer I get to reality and truth, the happier I am! My mother is the only person who has EVER tried to tell me I am difficult, mean, irrational, unreasonable, or scary; until my ex husband, of course. Thankfully I have enough experience out in the public world so that I know her idea of me isn't what anyone else has ever thought, when they've gotten to know me. She couldn't define me to ALL of my college peers and professors, then all the office coworkers, colleagues, all the different programs I've been in, etc,; although that isn't to say she didn't try! 😂
@marysisak2359 "It's Not You." It never was. You and I are worthy of happiness, peace and prosperity. Our lives are our own. We no longer need to take on the mistakes of others, We never did. Hugs to you, sister. 💙 💙 💙 💙 💙
For about a month after finally leaving and moving out I just felt relief, an amazing relief. Then I was suddenly struck with anxiety. It felt like love, it felt like I had made a terrible mistake and it felt as if I had to do whatever it would take to get her back. Talked to my closest friends who kept reminding me of the things I told them about the relationship and how they felt I had been subjected to abusive and unaccepable behavior. Those reminders would give me clarity for a few days, maybe a week, but then I’d fall back into second guessing and longing for her. Now I’ve found this channel on TH-cam and generally feel a lot better, now that I understand the nature of the emotions of anxiety, of missing her, of desperately wanting her back. It’s a trauma bond. That realisation really helps me to handle it. Thank you so much, Dr Ramani.
That's most of us after we find the strength to break things. I define it as a feeling of "love" for someone our conscious mind would not pick in a million years knowing what we know about them.
@christelleny And that's another thing that really gets me, you know, I'll always be madly in love with the imaginary woman, that wonderful facade she presented to me, someone who never really existed.
@justasimplesomeone Yeah, it really is. The things that kept me somewhat grounded so far has been journalling, I've made a list of all the times I've been treated horribly, I've screen dumped and reread text messages from our quarrels over the years but most significantly I think, I've told my story to my closest and most trusted friends and to a therapist. And every time I recount the events of the five years we were married to someone on the outside, it almost feels surreal. I hear how absurd it is. I'm listening to myself telling the story of our marriage almost with disbelief. Did I accept this? How? Why? It becomes so painfully obvious when all the awful highlights are compressed in a verbal summary like that. And that brings clarity and a sense of sadness and loss, but it also brings back that feeling of relief, knowing that I'll never have to go through any of that again. Hang in there, you'll pull through. We'll pull through. And we'll be happier and healthier for it.
@@CaymotSame. But at least we're clear on that, and we can avoid doing it again. If the Narc came back into my life telling me he's changed and regrets leaving, I would have to fight with myself not to let him back in. Even knowing the last round almost killed me. That's how powerful the trauma bond is... It's your conscious mind fighting your unconscious mind.
I define the trauma bond as a feeling of "love" for someone our conscious mind would never have picked in a million years knowing what we know about them and the way they treat us. If our best friend (or daughter) told us about a relationship with someone like them, we wouldn't hesitate to tell them they're in an unhealthy, disrespectful, abusive relationship and should end it. Yet, many of us don't apply the same advise to our own life... The worst part is that ending a trauma-bonded relationship doesn't sever the trauma bond. That takes time (years for most of us) and a huge amount of work. Whenever you catch yourself thinking things were not that bad, give yourself a mental slap. It was. Strength, peace and growth to all. ❤
This is interesting, and you explained that very well. My boyfriend has a narcissistic ex wife and now that he is free of her, (for the most part, they have a daughter together), he seems baffled that he even picked her as an option in the first place. She was never his type. They went to school together, and he was friends with her brothers, but he never in a million years would have dated her. He didn’t even really find her attractive, personality wise or physically. I often ask him “well, there must have been something that made you love her” and he really struggles to think of anything that even drew her to him. The stories he tells are mostly of him protecting her from situations where she could have sabotaged her own life, so I guess in a way, he felt like he had to save her or no one else would. Which is exactly the type of person he is today, he’s a major people pleaser and extremely altruistic, help the homeless and veterans type guy who literally spends personal time with people who are struggling to keep going, and he actually helps keep them going! He’s great at what he does, but he gets taken advantage of often. It sounds like she used this trait against him to trauma bond him to her, and he mistook his extreme care for her well being, as love. Now that he knows what love is supposed to be, he can see clearly that it wasn’t love at all, especially not for her.
I think it’s just possible that we can make progress by leaps and bounds. I have had to do a lot of work on myself given my upbringing, but I find that progress can build on itself in mysterious ways when we take that first step. It can be overwhelming to think that you’re going to be working on this for years to come. You never know when your consciousness can shift. But it certainly can.
@ruthslater6364 I journal and have voice recordings. Some of my writings are in "notes" on my phone. The writings following the incident that finally got through my head, this will not ever work, are in my phone. I need those reminders less and less these days. The divorce has to be finalized soon. 😊
My mother told me she could be extra friendly to get what she wanted and that it was all an act. I had no idea how to react to that, as it was mum telling me this. In the schoolyard here in Australia I discovered betrayal by a school friend a couple of times as an adult we are no longer friends and I'm happier for it.
Needed to listen to this today. I do feel messy, and confused. I feel like I’m the bad guy, and when I do call the bs out, I’m told that I’m mean. Thank you for your helpful video, and validating what is really happening to nice people.
Yes I'm told by the Narcissist I'm being abused it's so so sick I am no contact and I am told you don't come back you get nothing. I'm in hell right now and finding help is so difficult.
@ I’m sorry you’re going through all of this. It’s horrible, however we have options, and we will get through this, and be stronger. It’s time to love, and protect ourselves 🙏❤️
@@Ratgirl2Hang in there and keep loving yourself. Others like myself are in this as well. Do something that you have always wanted and stay busy and focused on you.
Ha. When I finally started standing up for myself and calling out the BS I was told “I have a tone.” And when I didn’t stop standing up for myself, she broke up with me. Almost a month later I’m still reeling.
Gina your words say what I’m feeling. The narcissist I know is a friend of my empathetic partner, and he has just about destroyed our relationship. I have tried to make my partner see what is going on but he ends up getting cross with me. Anyway Thankyou for your comment and hope you are doing well.
Strong indicators of a traumabond: 1. You feel the bad one because the Narc has fed you with their blameshifting, has poisoned you with guilt. 2. You have the feeling you cannot live with them nor without them. 3. You have created lots of magical thinking instead of logical thinking. 4. You are living on breadcrumbs because you are looking for the little "good" things. 5. You are constantly walking on eggshells around them because you have inner tensions.
I can’t live without them is what kept me in the extremely toxic relationships for thirty five years but then I realized that I could not take anymore narcissistic abuse and then I said to myself that I’m going to live without them becoming homeless!!!
I can't say how much you and your U-Tube Channel has, helped me see the light. From my Narc brother to my Narc wife and Narc friends, I was their vic. However, you have helped me identify them and other Narcs, before they can sink their fangs into me. Thank You !
@@costelloandlizzievolk2233 When dealing with a narcissist, and working on breaking the bond, Greyrocking and when you can silence (is golden)…they HATE that so much, because you are not giving them the reaction they want…and it will give you so much inner strength. Blessings to you.
So much of this video is relevant to me. As I heal, the narcissists will use my healing to say I am the narcissist and have used the flying monkeys to make me be the bad person. One narcissist just tried to reconnect for him self only. I did engage and glad I did. My suspension he was narcissistic were confirmed. In his absence, I have gained wisdom and knowledge to back up my suspicions. I can rest in self compassion. Clarity brings rest and peace. Thank you.
The only way that I was *FINALLY* able to break my (hopefully) last trauma bond was to ask myself, *"If I didn't have a past with this (former best) friend and just met her today, would I want to be friends with her?"* Something just clicked inside my head. That question was key to opening my new, healthy life filled with happy, mutually respectful relationships. Surround yourself with nice people or be alone.
Dr Ramani, your videos and books have helped me so much in the past few months. I've finally opened my eyes to all the signs my neglectful narcissist partner was showing me through our 11 years of marriage. After being cheated on and breadcrumbed for years I finally stood up for myself and was told I've ruined the relationship and she's moving out because she needs space, but I must still look after our daughter and manage the household. Yesterday I ended the relationship. I feel a huge weight has been lifted and I thought I'd be devastated from my trauma bond like previous attempts I've had to fix the relationship but I actually just feel calm. Good luck to everyone facing the challenges of narcissism in its various forms.
The sad part is that there was an actual trauma experience in my relationship. We both were stabbed. I refused to do news interviews because of my trauma. He talked to every reporter who called. When I finally agreed and I made sure that they knew that it was my daughter who was my hero.
I literally need those words tattoed on my brain: "In a narcissistic relationship the jackpot is that they'll turn around and have empathy, and not be mean, and listen to you, and be loving and patient and validating and kind. And not betray you or lie to you... And actually show up in a consistent manner." Wow, I just realized every single one of my romantic relationships was like this.
You just described how my sister sucked me back in to having anything...to do with her. I can live without her. I just don't know why she won't quit trying to connect. Outside of my abusive husband my sister is the other worst narcissist I have interacted with.
I had so much trauma bonding in my family of origin, i didn't know it was that, but i remember saying to my now partner "my father was so horrible that I'm worried I'll still wind up with a bad partner because bad could still be better than him, but still bad." I always worry that I'm in unhealthy relationships, not as unhealthy as where i came from, but still unhealthy...
I get you. But you can know what you will put up with and won’t. Look for what you need in others- good conversation, feel safe, empathetic- nobody is perfect! My dad was a psychopath narc. They’re like the WORST role models!
I had to stay for 3 years after I decided I was going to leave so that I could save money to leave. I didn't go through the trauma bonding stuff. I disconnected and went gray rock for 3 years and was so ready to get away from him that I never, ever felt like I couldn't live without him. I felt like I was going to die if I didn't get away from him. I had already gone through being deathly ill from his abuse. Once I realized he never loved me, I cut all those emotions loose. It still hurt that he treated me that way, but I wanted to get away from him before he killed me.
@Solossandy Yes, and if I had it to do over again, I'd be a lot more prepared. I would have packed a lot more, because he was oblivious to what I was doing. He just thought I was feeling better and was cleaning up. See, his abuse made me feel so worthless that it manifested into acute myeloid leukemia. It was very hard for me to leave because I ended up disabled and have severe nerve damage in my feet/legs, couldn't drive for 8 years because doctors almost blinded me. I left while he was on a camping trip devaluing me. Funny/ironic enough leukemia is connected to the energy of devaluation. I saw him for what he was before I left and even realized a trap he had set for me. I think he even killed my cats and he turned my children against me and that took my grandchildren away from me. Ruminate over him? Absolutely not. Not once. Once I realized that my entire 26 year marriage was a complete lie and he never loved me and my whole world fell out from under me. I had 3 years to just observe and take note of all the things he did. To pay attention to his body language. I knew when he was being deceptive, but I just didn't know how or why. When I got my emotions out of the way, I could see. I know people frown on leaving letters, but I left a 78 page letter/novel for him telling about all the things I knew he did and that he never loved me and I was done. I told him that if I could wipe my memory of him and retain the lessons learned, I would. But I wrote that letter during the 3 years that I was preparing to leave and seeing all the things he did to me in black and white over an over while writing and editing it, showed me who he was every time I edited it. So, it was kind of drilled into my mind and I never did the ruminating. And why would I over someone who never loved me. People think they are ruminating because they just love them so much.... I don't think that is love. I think it is because they are trauma bonded. Part of the reason I wrote the letter is so he would not hoover me. I wanted him to know in no uncertain terms that I was done. But it's hard to hoover someone when you block them and they don't know where you are. 😇 He tried to find out where I was by contacting my youngest daughter and telling her he was getting ready to pay my taxes (trying to show people how nice he is). He didn't get the information so this year he just paid them. He probably doesn't realize that I can go to the DMV and get the sticker for my plates. It will take a while to regain confidence. My childhood was not a confidence booster to start with and I believe it set me up to tolerate narcissistic abuse. And everything DOES feel better. 😃
@Solossandy Thank you so much. I always feel like I write too much. I've had a few people tell me that I should write a book, but I thought it was probably because I just rambled on or something. lol It took me a while to realize that I got sick because of the way he treated me. But after I got deathly ill, his treatment of me got worse. Then he retired and he got even worse. Then the grandson I did my best to take care of for 7 years instead of taking care of myself was taken away, he got nasty. He was losing fuel and he had already drained most of my energy and he was getting nasty because he didn't have the fuel he once had. I can see now that he was already working on turning my grandson against me. There were so many times that I said to him "You act like you don't care." People should pay attention to things like that that they say, because it's probably true. It was for me. I'm sprawled out in the bathroom floor and he calmly walks up and says "You okay Baby?" Well, hell, do I look okay? I had already gone through a divorce with young kids, so I didn't have any little ones this time. Just my grandchildren that have been cut off from me. But they will know the truth one day, too. After I left, he invited my kids over for Thanksgiving. The youngest went, but the oldest had plans with her new man. But she took her son over to stay with the psychopath that I left. Would not let me see or talk to him, but as soon as I was gone, she took him over there to spend the weekend. I sure feel betrayed. My youngest daughter doesn't realize it, but she is in the same situation. Her husband is the best friend of her step brother. I can see now how he groomed her. How he manipulated me and I was just trying to keep myself from drowning and was not able to see it. I always felt like he was a little ass, but I didn't know that much about narcissists at the time. But I see it all now. He told me before they even started dating that because he lost his mother in a car accident that he wanted me and the mother of a friend of his to be grandmothers to his children. And then I actually was the grandmother to his children and I never got to see them. And he continued turning my youngest against me after she married him. And now she doesn't speak to me unless she has to. We were good supple for them. They don't pick out people who are not going to be good fuel. They want loving and giving people. And then we give and give and give until there is nothing left to give. He was draining my life force. I told him in the letter I left that I didn't have enough energy to sustain me, much less the both of us. Nobody else in his 69 years of life has ever figured out what was behind that mask, but I did and I told him so. That the problem with masks is that they eventually slip. That I saw him. I saw the real him and it was not pretty. He thought I was disabled and stuck. And I felt that way for a long time. But I saved every penny of my tiny SS check and then later cashed in some stock that he didn't know I had, bought an RV and escaped. And I escaped IN my Ford Escape!! Who would have known that my Ford Escape would have been my escape. lol There was something he said right after we got married that always bothered me, but I didn't know why. Long story short, he wanted me to start paying the bills. He said that it was "so you feel like you have some control." Not so I had some control, but so I "felt" like I had some control. Now I know that he was just wanting someone to do all the adult stuff. After leaving him I had an overt narcissist to deal with who would not leave me alone. He decided that I was going to be his woman whether I liked it or not. Sorry, NOT!! There were a lot of emails from me to him about stuff, too, and he ignored them. He enjoyed it because I was not happy. Telling them what we are unhappy about just let's them know how to make us unhappy. In the letter I left I told him he could go "F" himself for all I cared. I didn't have a weight problem until I got married the first time. I was about 180, then lost down to 135 during the 5 years I was single and then back up to 210 pounds after the second marriage. I lost down to 114 due to health issues. Then gained back up to 180, but lost over 40 pounds by adding lard and grass fed butter to my diet. A lot of it. My email address is under "about" on my page if you need anyone to talk to. Stay strong, love yourself, you are free now. It's "your" time now.
@@angelicamartinez323 By not reacting and making it a game. Keeping my eye on my goal. He would come and tell me something funny, but I would not laugh. When he got no reaction, he'd be like "oh.... well I thought it was cute." And by not jumping to do for him like I use to. I pretty much ignored him. He use to tell me something he was wanting or whatever and being the curious person that I am, I would be looking it up online. Well, he goes camping about once a month and was telling me that he needed to find some firewood to take camping for fires. He came in and sat on the recliner arm like he did when I was at my desk, which was all the time, because I was not able to do much. So, he says "I need to find a saw mill to see about getting scraps for firewood." I said "Well, look up sawmills online." He said "I don't know the name of them." I said "Just look up "sawmill" in our area. He suddenly jumped up and stormed off. I was like "okay...." Then it hit me that he was trying to get me to look up local saw mills. And I just started laughing. I had disconnected so much that it didn't even click with me that he was trying to get me to do it until he stormed off. lol I stopped giving him fuel. I realized what he was and was not going to give him anymore of my energy. If someone is trauma bonded, that will have to be broken. And I mentioned the letter. The ore I added and edited that the more I read over and over how nasty he was to me. I was still civil and still did little things here and there, but I just got out of my emotions. Not long before I left, he came to the bedroom door (we slept in separate rooms) and he said "There you are, I thought I had lost you." I told him in the letter that he has already lost me, he just didn't know it yet. You basically have to stop caring about them. Once I realized he never, ever loved me, it was easy for me to just cut off my feelings for him. He had done enough bad stuff to me that that was it for me. But Aquarius can do that easily when they see the truth in a situation. I survived one day at a time knowing that I was saving money to leave. Looking to the future. I stopped acting like anything bothered me. I was just indifferent. I had asked him to start walking on our road with me to try and build up some strength and stamina when it cooled off some. I could tell by his okay, blah response that he didn't want to. So, I never mentioned it again. A couple of years later, he started going walking with his son and his family. He would go pick them up and drive an hour or more sometimes to go hiking. By then, I was glad to get his energy away from me. I told him in the letter I left that if he had walked with me like I asked him to that he would not have been so puny when he started walking with his son and family. I pretty much ignored him as much as possible. Interacted as little as possible. And just knowing what I knew was coming and he didn't helped me look forward to that day. I left while he was on a camping trip. I was a zombie for weeks because it just took so much out of me, but I did it. I had no family to call on because he had turned them against me. I had nobody that I could call because I was so isolated. He made sure of that. I just kept my focus on getting out. Right before I left, he was looking for a sleeping bag that he had and he had looked all over the house. The only place left was the attic. I told him that if he would bring everything down, that I would go through stuff and look for it. And I did, but my real intent was to get what I wanted to take with me. So, he brought everything down out of the attic, and I packed my stuff up and put his stuff back in boxes for him to put back in the attic. In the letter, I told him why I did that and said so thanks for bring all that down so I could go through it to see what I wanted to take with me. I can only imagine how ticked off he was that he had been played. He is not the only one who can pretend and act covertly. I just don't do it to hurt anyone. I did it to save myself. I stopped caring and that helped me to not react. And I acted very "whatever" with him. They hate that word BTW. But that was my attitude, just whatever. I don't care, whatever. I even bought ear buds to further ignore him. You have to emotionally disconnect. Cut the emotions ties, the trauma bond. Not care either way. Because even when you hate them, you are still giving them your energy. If he was wanting to go do something to devalue me, I encouraged and helped him go do it. Like finding small containers to store stuff in for camping or whatever. Because the more he was away from me, the better I was. Hope that helped. I'm sure there are other things I did, but it's been over a year and a half since I left. But he had no clue that I was packing to leave.😇
@Solossandy Thank you! I really do appreciate that. Looking forward to your email. And there is something that is supposed to happen today that if it does, you won't have to worry about expenses anymore. I'm just hoping it happens.🙂
My mother uses inheritance as the weapon of her power. She has several times told me that she has found a way to ensure that I don't get anything, and threatens with it if I don't want to spend time with her. She is the meanest and most malicious person that I know. She's always spoken horribly about others as well. She has smiled several times when she gets me or others upset
Thanks Dr. Ramani! I never fully understood the trauma bond. Thanks to you now I do. My situation…I have a best friend/non blood family member of 44 years who is a covert narcissist (and alcoholic for the past +10 years). Since she became an alcoholic, the bad behaviour greatly increased in frequency, and she could not wear her mask around me. The major abuse was always in private. Your videos helped me get through the process of seeing who she truly is, grieving the relationship, falling out of love with her, and finally disassembling the bond and having no fear of losing her. Sticky situation is that I am the Godmother to her children, so I cannot totally cut ties. Now I just view her as a necessary evil that over holidays I have to endure and the occasional phone call for her to tell me all the parties, overseas trips, how wonderful her life is (eyeroll). Mindset is to treat her like a toddler. When she does try and “Hoover/Breadcrumb” me, I don’t fall for it, as thanks to you I know better. I used to love her with all my heart…after going through the grieving process, which took months, I have detached. Now I view her with sadness, as she is such a pathetic human being who prays on others. Best of luck to all those going through this painful process. Remember YOU are worth it! Blessings for healing for all that have a narcissist in their life.
@ My friend “behaves” like this with me in private only. NEVER if there is a “witness” to the behavior. She will only “triangulate” me when others are around. To your point, I have seen her lay into her grown son when he would not bring her another bottle of wine, and said “Mom, don’t you think you’ve had enough?” She started screaming at him and threatened to disinherit him (they are very wealthy). I was absolutely horrified. He just got her the wine, looked at me, and shrugged his shoulders. She has a husband (who travels constantly), and three (grown) children. The kids all appear to be wonderful people. So I don’t know…I do know when they were young, if she took a firm tone with them, they looked scared and did exactly as she said. Horrible situation, but at least I am mentally free of her. Our communication has gone fron several times a day, to maybe once a week, if that. Blessings to you and your situation.
We used to have a connection. He used to make me laugh and he was fun to be around. In the beginning, we were almost a team or partners. Radical acceptance is truly essential to begin healing. That connection was conditional. The laughter and fun only took place when he chose the events. There is a "ME" in team if you manipulate the letters. I asked him why he didn't talk with me and communicate more? He said, "I tell you what I think you need to hear." How can a marriage survive with that? This was an illusion. There was never anything positive or healthy in this for me. It was not me. I am almost free. I will have peace of mind and soul. I will exit this emotional roller-coaster very soon.😊
This is just an amazing video. So lucid, clear-eyed, and profound about narcissism, breadcrumbing, and gaslighting. It's especially insightful about the relentless and upside-down nature of a narcissistic relationship, where the person being abused: - Gratefully accepts ever smaller breadcrumbs over time - Is made to think they're the badly behaving person, not their narcissistic partner - Is manipulated into believing they need therapy for their issues (e.g. anxious attachment) when in reality, any "issues" were entirely caused by their narcissistic partner. Everyone is gaslit into thinking this, including therapists who aren't trained to recognize narcissism and accompanying behaviour. Dr. Ramani, thank you! ❤️💖💗
I am in the process of moving out. I have started feeling bad about moving on. My husband is begging me to stay and I really want to stay, but I am not healthy, thriving, and I feel stuck. I am re-reading my text messages, journals, and I have recorded arguments and I listen to those to help me with my decision to move. This is so helpful.
This video really opens my eyes and causes me to reflect about past things which at the time i didn’t know what was happening. A couple months after meeting my wife she would say and do things that was odd to me but i brushed them off. Now 9 years later my life has changed so much i feel i am no longer the man i once was. I never knew men could be victims of narc abuse. i don’t have anyone to talk to about my abuse because people just don’t believe men can be victims.
I felt that. I felt guilty about making him leave, and he said, "I don't understand what's happening right now." He actually didn't understand. I now believe the only thing he didn't understand was that I actually would make him leave for cheating, even though that was one boundary I set in the beginning of our relationship (once he finally "settled down" into the relationship).
Narc Mom and then 26yr marriage to a Narc. Wow thank you so much for validating every single thing I’ve felt. Including the shame, pity, questioning myself, being the cold one, am I the narc, is he right its all my fault, my penance. These are thoughts that I have never voiced to anyone else. Thank you for validating, explaining and giving me the education that answers so many questions. He left me thankfully because I kept gray rocking him and his control, manipulating and power was lessening so he left. He keeps sending me long messages and emails but I’m not responding. The more I disconnect with mom and ex the less toxic my life is. Thank you so much for talking about this.
When they pull you back in and it feels so real and it's calculated actually, that just shows you that you have a need that your mind can disguise with a false belief. That said: don't beat yourself up with that, but rather say to yourself and continue to say "it's not you." So that you can get on with your journey!
I really needed this one. I’m in a constant struggle with the idea of what a mother should be like. Versus what a person who has had enough abuse is like.
Thank you Dr Ramani... I was chasing the jackpot 😢 the final straw was after I spent £1000 on his birthday and the following day he abused me again. I'm 3 weeks into no contact. It'll never change. He'll never change. I need to change and realise there is no better version, there is no hope, there is no future, and I need to wake up and move on once and for all. I'm working so hard to recover and heal this pattern. I can't keep paying in, trying, giving, and hoping it'll improve things. I'm cutting my losses.
I was in an abusive NPD relationship. He would threaten me, my family, etc. He caused so much upset. I would often say to myself, "why am I going for comfort to the very person who hurt me?" Thank God I've grown.
I’ve always felt like I was the one to blame in my relationship. She constantly told me that everything was my fault, that I was irresponsible, and that I never took accountability. Over the years, I carried that guilt without questioning it. However, I discovered at least two instances of infidelity on her part, and now, during this divorce, she is already in a new relationship and completely dismisses me. Finding your videos, Dr. Ramani, has been life-changing. They’ve helped me understand so much about what was really going on, clarified my mind, and given me the strength to move forward. Thank you for the work you do.
Excellent Video! Mine originated with a sibling. The sweet/mean cycle and intermittent reinforcement keeps the relationship going. The hit of dopamine when she was pleasant was like a drug addiction. Dysregulated nervous system and walking on eggshells. No contact for over a decade now but there was huge pushback to "forgive and forget" because it was family.
I do have my issues, but my estranged wife made me believe that I was much worse than I actually am. I’ve been trained by her to simply accept the situation with her out of fear that she would make things so much worse for me. I had broken contact with my family to keep drama between her and them to a minimum. I went on a trip out of state with my elderly mother and my sister to attend a funeral. My life has been absolute hell ever since. All because I started speaking to my family again.
"we would walk away from it and tell the casino people!" 😂😂❤ True though. I love common sense metaphors like these. It helps us keep things simple. I think a major part of it is that when we were raised by a narcissist, there are no casino people to tell. We have to leave quietly without pointing out to what happened or else we will be punished even worse. We are lucky to get out and cut all ties, which, as human beings wired for connection, is devastating.
My relationship went from absolutely wonderful highs, so many shared interests, humour, accomplishments, wonderful sex life, to completely toxic, manipulative gaslighting, disrespect, lack of empathy, lack of consideration, poor communication, lack of loyalty, public humiliations, and a final betrayal and that's when I ended it. Almost a year later and it's still difficult, still grieving and so lonely.
"I'm a bit of a handful myself." "Eh, you probably arent." This is vitally important!! I always thought i was a very difficult person, because i couldn't get along with my mother who "so clearly loved me." i needed to have a set of virtues that i could stand firm in, within myself, regardless of the external world. It made a world of difference to be able to rationally measure the words i said and the words they said and to KNOW that i was not being or doing what they were claiming. Being able to identify a mechanism and brush off their words as irrelevant is so useful, and something they do to us all the time. It helps level the playing field.
Narcissistic behavior often involves “intermittent reinforcement,” also known as hot-cold or on-off dynamics. This inconsistency can create an addictive cycle, much like gambling you’re left chasing the next moment of connection, never knowing when it will come. Similarly, individuals with borderline personality traits may idealize and then devalue others, paired with approach/avoidance conflicts. Both behaviors can be deeply unsettling and unhealthy for the person on the receiving end. Borderlines may also fixate on a “favorite person,” forming trauma bonds similar to the validation-seeking patterns of narcissists. Whether it’s with a narcissist or someone with BPD, these dynamics can leave the other person emotionally drained, confused, and feeling trapped. Trauma bonding is incredibly destructive. I remember being so hooked that I would have done anything, even sacrificed a kidney, just to feel some sort of connection with my ex. My nervous system was completely thrown off, stuck in the rollercoaster of highs and lows. Breaking free from these toxic patterns is hard, but it’s possible. Recognizing the cycles and choosing to prioritize your well-being is the first step toward healing.
Ha! I’ve gotten the “you’re paying for a past life bs. This person looked at every person suffering as the offender rather than the receiver of bad treatment. What a way to take away any of your needs and feelings
That's how I felt with my soon to be ex husband... It took me months to realize that him leaving me was a blessing in disguise. Honestly even after he left me for his mistress, we would still see each other, until the weekend of my birthday of last year. He had an argument with her, he came over my apt, and we were intimate. The next day, on my actual birthday, she called me and texted me. I knew she wanted to know if we spent the night together. I finally decided to not tell her, ignore her, and finally try to move on. Idk why but I still miss him sometimes, just what i thought we had...
Oc we miss every1 that we leave/leaves us behind. We are very social creatures. 1.think of sth else or postpone your thoughts. 2. Talk about it with some1 else but not selftalk. Don't think about it, put on a song and shake for a couple min and smile. Smiling is good for your brain and releases dopamine when u do it
Has it occurred to you, that the mistress could be here in the responses, too? Nobody is going to tolerate the behavior of the narcissist. Mine also had at least 3 other women as I found out after.
Spent my whole life being the most low mantinace person you have ever known - to thi s day. Bread crumbs are bigger pieces then what i am tossed - not big even big enough for a mouse . Threats walking with your head down always be walking on egg shells. Feel like i just woke up. I am definatly in ptsd . Trying to step up and out of the mud and the fog.
When I was thirteen years old I knew it was not me for the reasons why I was never getting along with my biological mother but I still felt bad and a huge amount of shame for not being able to get along with my biological mother at the time!!!
I would watch in fascination while So many people fell for his endearing flash and dazzle charm and charisma, only to end up with Destroyed finances, devasted personal relationships, a life in ruins, but still so often loving him and wanting to help him with even more stringent resources. Ever so often, I would end up Shaking my head
Breadcrumbing. My sisters holiday meals fit this. And my brothers few visits each year to help with the lawnmowers. I don’t need either but feel obligated and a lot of tension about allowing/continuing it. It’s like o fear the consequences of separating from it. And they know this. Otherwise they wouldn’t offer anything at all. It’s a trap. Not a gift or a fun gathering.
In Spite of my life of Chaos with this person, I always saw him as a profoundly mentally ill person . He would Lie, Love Bomb me like gangbusters, have All his flying monkey adoring fans spy on me, lie to me and report back to him all the time, then when I would confront him , he would Double Down on the Flash and Dazzle Charm and Charisma, back to Treating me like an absolute Queen just like he did in the beginning, Until he got me into a situational position where he could Lock In yet Another attempt at his ' Control '. I was one hell of a Confused Hot MESS ! And the tremendous Guilt I feel every time I refuse to respond to or answer his desperate pleas has gutted me with confusion . It's an Emotional White Water Rafting Ride for Sure !
This was so helpful. I feel like the bad one. All the signs. I didn't know about trauma bonding, and the fears you mention are exactly the impediments to my freedom. Why do I feel guilty? Feel bad for him? What about me? It is utterly mind baffling. Thank you thank you thank you for explaining so articulately.
So much you have said, actually all of it resonates deeply with me. Both family and ex husband. The later I’m in the breadcrumb phase and have been recognizing it for what it is. The fixer….10000 times I said I don’t need someone to fix shitbut allowed it. It’s crazy how this video is dead on my life
This year I could rid of one narcissist ( my ex covert narc) it’s been 4-5 months of no contact, finding the strength to get rid of another one my father ..with whom it’s tough and broke me into pieces for serving him for all my life now I am just trying to get the strength to break off the original perpetrator of my life who ruined my life
Thank you Dr. Ramani. I believe trauma bond can be weaken over time by creating distance and no communication with the toxic person. Time, distance and silence is best remedy for survivors of narcissistic abusive relationship. 💯🙏♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹😎
Dr. Ramani, thank you for your extensive teaching on this topic of narcissism. I had never known much on the topic of narcissism. You are gifted in explaining it plainly. I do not think narcissists realize the sadistic pummeling abuse toward the other with whom they victimize with repetitive sadistic cycles whether in romantic relationships and myriad of other relationships. It is sad, and they do not realize it is morally wrong and need to be convicted in their consciences to stop the cycle of abuse.
Dr. Ramani you are the G.O.A.T on all things narcissistic. I've really learned a lot! I realize for a few years now my relative has lots of Narcissistic characteristics and have stayed distant for protection. Saddest thing is that there kid now is acting exactly like the parent and being a little smart ass and trying to always be right even lying to change the situation. If you haven't already could you do a video on how to deal with relatives who are the kids of Narcissistic patents and displaying many similar signs? (Btw even you don't make a video it still stands that you are the best TH-camr on the subject in my option lol. That's not just for fluff.😂)
The notion of a flawless marriage or relationship is a myth. There's no set formula for success; what works for one couple may not work for another. Yet, I've discovered that there's always a way forward, even in the most challenging times. Five years ago, my wife and I encountered significant hurdles in our marriage that nearly led to divorce. Despite the adversity, we managed to weather the storm and emerge from it with our bond renewed and revitalized
There is a lot of sense in what you just said and I hope mine works the same way too, we are currently separated but I cant live without her, I love her so much. wish I can get her back I can do anything to have her back, we have tried therapy amongst other things
Its always difficult to let someone you love go, but in my case I had the help of a spiritual adviser who saved my marriage from collapsing her name is shelly renee white
I've been trying to get away from mine for almost 7 years. But I have never, in previous relationships, been this afraid of "losing him." It's weird because the bad times far outweigh the good ones. He has drained me emotionally and financially, and yet, I'm the one afraid that he'll "love" another woman. I am filled with anxiety with just the thought. I know I need to get away, but I just can't seem to be able to do it 😢
What does the narcissist or the offender in abuse feel. What’s a trauma bond for them like. I immagine it’s the addiction to having a punching bag. How much reward does the evil In the offender get out of us. I think they have a deep hate of the light of others and instead of building that power up to help others and the world they see that good and want to tear us apart sometimes literal killers are underneath what the narcissist is. Yes they are nothing without others to feed off of. Very vampire like. 😮
I originally thought your first explanation. What is it called when someone during a fight says : to go, stay, go stay like back-and-forth where there’s no way to win the emotional argument I was left just not knowing what to do but then when he’s frightened me, I knew exactly what to do. Thank you for your.❤❤❤❤ Day 4 out 3rd time in 5 months! 🎉Thank you
At least there’s more excitement with a slot machine. The feeling of empty is so awful. Someone else after me coming along for him would be a relief. My ultimate reason for me to not go is the thought that I will be completely alone. I believe as I write, that I feel that way is because I’ve given all of myself to him. Wow. What an insight. Thank you Dr. Ramani.
I'm here because I need to feel better. You had me cry so much when you said that the reason we don't leave the slot machine is because you think the next person will hit the jackpot and we don't want that person to take our stuff. The next person is gonna get the better version of the narcissist. And how many betrayals and invalidations before you walk away. My boyfriend has cheated on me multiple times and I can't seem to let go of him because of course, I love him, I care about him, and he has mental health issues. The empath in me wants to stay with him. He never admitted what he did, he never apologized, and he'd let me suffer for weeks. I, being an idiot, would take him back and act like nothing happened. We'd go back to being good and then I'll catch him again talking to another girl. He betrayed me, berated me, and manipulated me multiple times. I'm so sick of feeling this way. I'm sick of being powerless, depressed, and anxious all the time. I don't know how to get out of it. At the same time, I don't want to end it because he and I have been through so much. I know a lot of you reading this would tell me to leave him but the problem is I can't. I miss him terribly when he's not speaking to me. I miss his presence. I can't let him go. I keep waiting if he'll reach out. I keep hoping he's missing me. The worst thing is I know what the right thing is but I just can't do it. I just want to die so I won't feel this way anymore.
You can. Search for the small ways you can behind quietly. You can live without him. You have a lot of LIFE to LIVE. I've experienced years of not wanting to live as well. After 39 years of marriage, I'm finally able to start planning my departure, which is delayed by an illness that's made it hard to work. Nevertheless, I am still moving in that direction quietly, becoming stronger, becoming less affected, becoming more aware, and seeing what IS. You can. Search for ways you can. Begin with radical acceptance. it begins with acceptance. We'd been married 34 years when I realized the love-bombing man I dated was never returning. I gave him a funeral in my mind and sobbed, bawled, sobbed some more. I decided to try to see if I could make it work with the understanding that "he" would never return, as I had been so hopeful he would for so very long. I have all the flags on this video. Even though he is presently breadcrumbing, ... sigh ... and even though I love him, want good for him, and have all the reasons in her video for not wanting to leave or being able to even imagine a good life ... I am deciding to separate. I've accepted what IS. There's nothing I can do to bring back the good days, the happy days. Presetly, we have some ordinary days with sprinkles of bad, not the huge bad experiences of before. That's where it is. Empty and lonely, I feel less frightened and less devastated because of my acceptance. I'm still scared, still profoundly grieved, but the grief is beginning to resolve slowly as I finally learn what acceptance really is. I didn't understand acceptance, and this ignorance kept me stuck for ... decades. Slowly, I am getting strong enough. Acceptance is like ... vitamin C. It reduces my risk of getting sick again from re-infection of his harmful behaviors. It helps me heal.
All of this is the worse of the worse not sure how it's going to end no contact and no money know legal has to be brought in now. They are not above law. So vengeful. 😢😢
Dr ramani I love u so much. U have helped me more than can possibly imagine. I'm worn out babe. I've realised that they rule the world. I don't understand why but they rule the world. And I am broken. They win in the end. I'm so depressed. People have to understand they always win and more u try the worst it gets. My family has ruined my life and the mistake I made was learning about narsasistic people and deluding myself I could change my life for the better
Many American slaves were trauma bonded to their owners because they had Sundays off, Christmas celebration, and the chance of being freed dangled over their heads. Trauma bonds are powerful & can keep people in servitude or abuse for life. 😢
30:03 I watched that movie Gaslight (1944) and the entire time I wanted to hold and comfort the wife in my arms. 😅😢 I don’t know if her husband (in the movie) is a narcissist, though, maybe just a conman.
Dr. Ramani there is not enough paper in the world to put down 63 years of bad treatment - parent then husband - but over the years i have filled and burned hundreds if not thousands of notebooks to try and understand what i had done to be treated the way i have and being born was my first mistake 😊 my oldest sister has never forgiven me for this.
My Trauma Bond With The Narcissit Was Very Hard To Break 9 Yrs..
1/ Loss Of Identity
2/ Feeling Powerless
3/ Difficult Setting Boundaries Saying No To The Narcissit
4/ Obsessive Thoughts About The Abuse /Overwhelming of Sadness.
5/ Difficulty Leaving
I Have 2 Months of No Contact.
I am just now going through the same thing!
I gave it my all and more for 7 and a half years and when I finally started noticing every little detail about his behaviour and how he was treating me, I finally realised I wasn't in a healthy relationship and left 2 months ago.
He had bombarded me with msgs and calls for the last month. He even dropped by my house 2 days back!
I've been in a downward spiral ever since and still unable to get back up.
Sometimes I'm very confident and feel good about myself that I finally gathered the courage to leave.
But sometimes I still become unsure about whether I'm doing the right thing or not... I'm so confused and have no idea what to do or think.
Congratulations!!! :)
Keep on going 💪, I am preparing myself to start breaking it :)
(She has something, that she knows I care about, but hopefully not for long)
You're doing great! 2 mos is a long, long time when in a position such as this...
@ Thank you So very much 🙏
@@CatarinaBernardino Thank You So very much
Wow, this is so uplifting, it’s important to stay inspired. I feel a deep sense of emptiness, it’s been 2months since jack left and everyday feels like an eternity without him. My mind’s been flooded with memories of our time together. It’s so painful that I’d never get to experience the little things with him again. zI’ve texted him several times telling him how much I miss and want him sadly he replied none. Guess all I can do is just hold unto the memories.
It’s ok to grieve dear It’s clear that you’re not just missing jack but a part of yourself that you shared with him. Your message to him is a testament to the love you still have for him. It’s takes courage to be that vulnerable. It’s ok to feel the pain of heartbreak but don’t loose hope. My own heart break story is one of devastation . It was sudden and brutal leaving me lost. Desperate for solace and guidance, I reached out to a spiritual counselor who was recommended by a friend for help.
That sounds intriguing, I’m curious what exactly does the spiritual counselor do?
His name is Father Tosin Ayodele and he's an amazing spiritual counselor who specialize in helping people reconnect with their ex
I’m grateful for your suggestion, you have no idea how much this means to me.
I was raised as the scapegoat in a narcissistic family and I have spent a lifetime thinking I am the bad one.
Same here.Always low in confidence
Me too, so I worked on my own character. It taught me to be able to identify what was happening. Having my own narrative and being able to hold onto it is an improvement. I have found the closer I get to reality and truth, the happier I am! My mother is the only person who has EVER tried to tell me I am difficult, mean, irrational, unreasonable, or scary; until my ex husband, of course.
Thankfully I have enough experience out in the public world so that I know her idea of me isn't what anyone else has ever thought, when they've gotten to know me. She couldn't define me to ALL of my college peers and professors, then all the office coworkers, colleagues, all the different programs I've been in, etc,; although that isn't to say she didn't try! 😂
Same case in my family. Im the scapegoat and im always the disappointment and the worst person ever
@marysisak2359 "It's Not You." It never was. You and I are worthy of happiness, peace and prosperity. Our lives are our own. We no longer need to take on the mistakes of others, We never did. Hugs to you, sister. 💙 💙 💙 💙 💙
You’re not
For about a month after finally leaving and moving out I just felt relief, an amazing relief. Then I was suddenly struck with anxiety. It felt like love, it felt like I had made a terrible mistake and it felt as if I had to do whatever it would take to get her back. Talked to my closest friends who kept reminding me of the things I told them about the relationship and how they felt I had been subjected to abusive and unaccepable behavior. Those reminders would give me clarity for a few days, maybe a week, but then I’d fall back into second guessing and longing for her. Now I’ve found this channel on TH-cam and generally feel a lot better, now that I understand the nature of the emotions of anxiety, of missing her, of desperately wanting her back. It’s a trauma bond. That realisation really helps me to handle it. Thank you so much, Dr Ramani.
That’s me - right this second now! And it’s hard.
That's most of us after we find the strength to break things. I define it as a feeling of "love" for someone our conscious mind would not pick in a million years knowing what we know about them.
@christelleny And that's another thing that really gets me, you know, I'll always be madly in love with the imaginary woman, that wonderful facade she presented to me, someone who never really existed.
@justasimplesomeone Yeah, it really is. The things that kept me somewhat grounded so far has been journalling, I've made a list of all the times I've been treated horribly, I've screen dumped and reread text messages from our quarrels over the years but most significantly I think, I've told my story to my closest and most trusted friends and to a therapist. And every time I recount the events of the five years we were married to someone on the outside, it almost feels surreal. I hear how absurd it is. I'm listening to myself telling the story of our marriage almost with disbelief. Did I accept this? How? Why? It becomes so painfully obvious when all the awful highlights are compressed in a verbal summary like that. And that brings clarity and a sense of sadness and loss, but it also brings back that feeling of relief, knowing that I'll never have to go through any of that again. Hang in there, you'll pull through. We'll pull through. And we'll be happier and healthier for it.
@@CaymotSame. But at least we're clear on that, and we can avoid doing it again. If the Narc came back into my life telling me he's changed and regrets leaving, I would have to fight with myself not to let him back in. Even knowing the last round almost killed me. That's how powerful the trauma bond is... It's your conscious mind fighting your unconscious mind.
I define the trauma bond as a feeling of "love" for someone our conscious mind would never have picked in a million years knowing what we know about them and the way they treat us. If our best friend (or daughter) told us about a relationship with someone like them, we wouldn't hesitate to tell them they're in an unhealthy, disrespectful, abusive relationship and should end it. Yet, many of us don't apply the same advise to our own life... The worst part is that ending a trauma-bonded relationship doesn't sever the trauma bond. That takes time (years for most of us) and a huge amount of work. Whenever you catch yourself thinking things were not that bad, give yourself a mental slap. It was. Strength, peace and growth to all. ❤
This is interesting, and you explained that very well. My boyfriend has a narcissistic ex wife and now that he is free of her, (for the most part, they have a daughter together), he seems baffled that he even picked her as an option in the first place. She was never his type. They went to school together, and he was friends with her brothers, but he never in a million years would have dated her. He didn’t even really find her attractive, personality wise or physically. I often ask him “well, there must have been something that made you love her” and he really struggles to think of anything that even drew her to him. The stories he tells are mostly of him protecting her from situations where she could have sabotaged her own life, so I guess in a way, he felt like he had to save her or no one else would.
Which is exactly the type of person he is today, he’s a major people pleaser and extremely altruistic, help the homeless and veterans type guy who literally spends personal time with people who are struggling to keep going, and he actually helps keep them going! He’s great at what he does, but he gets taken advantage of often.
It sounds like she used this trait against him to trauma bond him to her, and he mistook his extreme care for her well being, as love.
Now that he knows what love is supposed to be, he can see clearly that it wasn’t love at all, especially not for her.
I think it’s just possible that we can make progress by leaps and bounds. I have had to do a lot of work on myself given my upbringing, but I find that progress can build on itself in mysterious ways when we take that first step. It can be overwhelming to think that you’re going to be working on this for years to come. You never know when your consciousness can shift. But it certainly can.
The little sadness they display is a ruse. Do not fall for it. This is a way to pull you back in. It is a trap. Walk away calmly. "It's Not You"
Write diwn ,take videos, reminders of the horrible. Cruel , sad things they did to you. It takes me 2 seconds to bring me back to reality.
@ruthslater6364 I journal and have voice recordings. Some of my writings are in "notes" on my phone. The writings following the incident that finally got through my head, this will not ever work, are in my phone. I need those reminders less and less these days. The divorce has to be finalized soon. 😊
@user-mv4zc7yp3l hugs, strength and love to you. 😢
I kept a diary & still fell for it. Smh. 🥲😭@@ruthslater6364
My mother told me she could be extra friendly to get what she wanted and that it was all an act. I had no idea how to react to that, as it was mum telling me this. In the schoolyard here in Australia I discovered betrayal by a school friend a couple of times as an adult we are no longer friends and I'm happier for it.
Needed to listen to this today. I do feel messy, and confused. I feel like I’m the bad guy, and when I do call the bs out, I’m told that I’m mean. Thank you for your helpful video, and validating what is really happening to nice people.
Yes I'm told by the Narcissist I'm being abused it's so so sick I am no contact and I am told you don't come back you get nothing. I'm in hell right now and finding help is so difficult.
@ I’m sorry you’re going through all of this. It’s horrible, however we have options, and we will get through this, and be stronger. It’s time to love, and protect ourselves 🙏❤️
@@Ratgirl2Hang in there and keep loving yourself. Others like myself are in this as well. Do something that you have always wanted and stay busy and focused on you.
Ha. When I finally started standing up for myself and calling out the BS I was told “I have a tone.” And when I didn’t stop standing up for myself, she broke up with me. Almost a month later I’m still reeling.
Gina your words say what I’m feeling. The narcissist I know is a friend of my empathetic partner, and he has just about destroyed our relationship. I have tried to make my partner see what is going on but he ends up getting cross with me.
Anyway Thankyou for your comment and hope you are doing well.
"Their bad choice cannot be your prison"
@@ruthgolsteyn9450 been there mine blamed his infidelity on me
Strong indicators of a traumabond:
1. You feel the bad one because the Narc has fed you with their blameshifting, has poisoned you with guilt.
2. You have the feeling you cannot live with them nor without them.
3. You have created lots of magical thinking instead of logical thinking.
4. You are living on breadcrumbs because you are looking for the little "good" things.
5. You are constantly walking on eggshells around them because you have inner tensions.
Absolutely straight on target. How often have I heard that statement, "I can't live with them and I can't live without them." ❤ Many thanks 🎉
When I was cutting those trauma bonds....how they hated it.I'm glad they rejected the not usefull person/me/.Narcissism is a sickness.
I can’t live without them is what kept me in the extremely toxic relationships for thirty five years but then I realized that I could not take anymore narcissistic abuse and then I said to myself that I’m going to live without them becoming homeless!!!
Are you homeless now?
Exactly, same with me
I can't say how much you and your U-Tube Channel has, helped me see the light. From my Narc brother to my Narc wife and Narc friends, I was their vic. However, you have helped me identify them and other Narcs, before they can sink their fangs into me.
Thank You !
Thank you for the reminder that I am not a bad person for protecting myself. ❤
@@costelloandlizzievolk2233 When dealing with a narcissist, and working on breaking the bond, Greyrocking and when you can silence (is golden)…they HATE that so much, because you are not giving them the reaction they want…and it will give you so much inner strength. Blessings to you.
So Brilliant!!! You deserve a Nobel prize! Thank you!!! 👍❤
I am so happy I've run across your channel.
I feel like you're speaking directly to me and about my life.
Same here.....I was lost only 3 weeks ago but since I found her channel I feel much much stronger!
I love you Doctor Ramani!! Your videos blown my mind and am getting so much stronger!! THANK YOU❤
May God richly bless you all
May you be blessed🙏
So much of this video is relevant to me. As I heal, the narcissists will use my healing to say I am the narcissist and have used the flying monkeys to make me be the bad person. One narcissist just tried to reconnect for him self only. I did engage and glad I did. My suspension he was narcissistic were confirmed. In his absence, I have gained wisdom and knowledge to back up my suspicions. I can rest in self compassion. Clarity brings rest and peace. Thank you.
The only way that I was *FINALLY* able to break my (hopefully) last trauma bond was to ask myself, *"If I didn't have a past with this (former best) friend and just met her today, would I want to be friends with her?"* Something just clicked inside my head. That question was key to opening my new, healthy life filled with happy, mutually respectful relationships. Surround yourself with nice people or be alone.
Dr Ramani, your videos and books have helped me so much in the past few months. I've finally opened my eyes to all the signs my neglectful narcissist partner was showing me through our 11 years of marriage. After being cheated on and breadcrumbed for years I finally stood up for myself and was told I've ruined the relationship and she's moving out because she needs space, but I must still look after our daughter and manage the household. Yesterday I ended the relationship. I feel a huge weight has been lifted and I thought I'd be devastated from my trauma bond like previous attempts I've had to fix the relationship but I actually just feel calm. Good luck to everyone facing the challenges of narcissism in its various forms.
The sad part is that there was an actual trauma experience in my relationship. We both were stabbed. I refused to do news interviews because of my trauma. He talked to every reporter who called. When I finally agreed and I made sure that they knew that it was my daughter who was my hero.
If you’re walking on eggshells, if you’re fawning all the time, you’re trauma bonded
MAYBE IM THE PROBLEM.... yep, burst THAT bubble indeed!!
It’s not you ❤
I literally need those words tattoed on my brain:
"In a narcissistic relationship the jackpot is that they'll turn around and have empathy, and not be mean, and listen to you, and be loving and patient and validating and kind. And not betray you or lie to you... And actually show up in a consistent manner."
Wow, I just realized every single one of my romantic relationships was like this.
You just described how my sister sucked me back in to having anything...to do with her. I can live without her. I just don't know why she won't quit trying to connect. Outside of my abusive husband my sister is the other worst narcissist I have interacted with.
Being raised with the narc sister made you a prime target for narc hubby/hubbies/colleagues the lot - we are trained to overlook transgressions.
@FaithfulandTrue949 Exactly. And I'm painfully empathetic and the Queen of Second Chances. I call myself that but do have a limit.
I swear we have the same love except I wasn’t married to him
I had so much trauma bonding in my family of origin, i didn't know it was that, but i remember saying to my now partner "my father was so horrible that I'm worried I'll still wind up with a bad partner because bad could still be better than him, but still bad." I always worry that I'm in unhealthy relationships, not as unhealthy as where i came from, but still unhealthy...
I get you. But you can know what you will put up with and won’t. Look for what you need in others- good conversation, feel safe, empathetic- nobody is perfect! My dad was a psychopath narc. They’re like the WORST role models!
I had to stay for 3 years after I decided I was going to leave so that I could save money to leave. I didn't go through the trauma bonding stuff.
I disconnected and went gray rock for 3 years and was so ready to get away from him that I never, ever felt like I couldn't live without him. I felt like I was going to die if I didn't get away from him. I had already gone through being deathly ill from his abuse.
Once I realized he never loved me, I cut all those emotions loose. It still hurt that he treated me that way, but I wanted to get away from him before he killed me.
@Solossandy
Yes, and if I had it to do over again, I'd be a lot more prepared. I would have packed a lot more, because he was oblivious to what I was doing.
He just thought I was feeling better and was cleaning up.
See, his abuse made me feel so worthless that it manifested into acute myeloid leukemia.
It was very hard for me to leave because I ended up disabled and have severe nerve damage in my feet/legs, couldn't drive for 8 years because doctors almost blinded me.
I left while he was on a camping trip devaluing me. Funny/ironic enough leukemia is connected to the energy of devaluation.
I saw him for what he was before I left and even realized a trap he had set for me. I think he even killed my cats and he turned my children against me and that took my grandchildren away from me.
Ruminate over him? Absolutely not. Not once. Once I realized that my entire 26 year marriage was a complete lie and he never loved me and my whole world fell out from under me. I had 3 years to just observe and take note of all the things he did. To pay attention to his body language. I knew when he was being deceptive, but I just didn't know how or why. When I got my emotions out of the way, I could see.
I know people frown on leaving letters, but I left a 78 page letter/novel for him telling about all the things I knew he did and that he never loved me and I was done. I told him that if I could wipe my memory of him and retain the lessons learned, I would.
But I wrote that letter during the 3 years that I was preparing to leave and seeing all the things he did to me in black and white over an over while writing and editing it, showed me who he was every time I edited it. So, it was kind of drilled into my mind and I never did the ruminating. And why would I over someone who never loved me. People think they are ruminating because they just love them so much.... I don't think that is love. I think it is because they are trauma bonded.
Part of the reason I wrote the letter is so he would not hoover me. I wanted him to know in no uncertain terms that I was done. But it's hard to hoover someone when you block them and they don't know where you are. 😇
He tried to find out where I was by contacting my youngest daughter and telling her he was getting ready to pay my taxes (trying to show people how nice he is). He didn't get the information so this year he just paid them. He probably doesn't realize that I can go to the DMV and get the sticker for my plates.
It will take a while to regain confidence. My childhood was not a confidence booster to start with and I believe it set me up to tolerate narcissistic abuse.
And everything DOES feel better. 😃
@Solossandy
Thank you so much. I always feel like I write too much. I've had a few people tell me that I should write a book, but I thought it was probably because I just rambled on or something. lol
It took me a while to realize that I got sick because of the way he treated me.
But after I got deathly ill, his treatment of me got worse. Then he retired and he got even worse. Then the grandson I did my best to take care of for 7 years instead of taking care of myself was taken away, he got nasty.
He was losing fuel and he had already drained most of my energy and he was getting nasty because he didn't have the fuel he once had.
I can see now that he was already working on turning my grandson against me.
There were so many times that I said to him "You act like you don't care." People should pay attention to things like that that they say, because it's probably true. It was for me.
I'm sprawled out in the bathroom floor and he calmly walks up and says "You okay Baby?" Well, hell, do I look okay?
I had already gone through a divorce with young kids, so I didn't have any little ones this time. Just my grandchildren that have been cut off from me. But they will know the truth one day, too.
After I left, he invited my kids over for Thanksgiving. The youngest went, but the oldest had plans with her new man. But she took her son over to stay with the psychopath that I left. Would not let me see or talk to him, but as soon as I was gone, she took him over there to spend the weekend.
I sure feel betrayed.
My youngest daughter doesn't realize it, but she is in the same situation. Her husband is the best friend of her step brother. I can see now how he groomed her. How he manipulated me and I was just trying to keep myself from drowning and was not able to see it. I always felt like he was a little ass, but I didn't know that much about narcissists at the time. But I see it all now. He told me before they even started dating that because he lost his mother in a car accident that he wanted me and the mother of a friend of his to be grandmothers to his children. And then I actually was the grandmother to his children and I never got to see them. And he continued turning my youngest against me after she married him. And now she doesn't speak to me unless she has to.
We were good supple for them. They don't pick out people who are not going to be good fuel. They want loving and giving people.
And then we give and give and give until there is nothing left to give.
He was draining my life force. I told him in the letter I left that I didn't have enough energy to sustain me, much less the both of us.
Nobody else in his 69 years of life has ever figured out what was behind that mask, but I did and I told him so. That the problem with masks is that they eventually slip. That I saw him. I saw the real him and it was not pretty.
He thought I was disabled and stuck. And I felt that way for a long time. But I saved every penny of my tiny SS check and then later cashed in some stock that he didn't know I had, bought an RV and escaped.
And I escaped IN my Ford Escape!!
Who would have known that my Ford Escape would have been my escape. lol
There was something he said right after we got married that always bothered me, but I didn't know why. Long story short, he wanted me to start paying the bills. He said that it was "so you feel like you have some control." Not so I had some control, but so I "felt" like I had some control. Now I know that he was just wanting someone to do all the adult stuff.
After leaving him I had an overt narcissist to deal with who would not leave me alone. He decided that I was going to be his woman whether I liked it or not. Sorry, NOT!!
There were a lot of emails from me to him about stuff, too, and he ignored them. He enjoyed it because I was not happy. Telling them what we are unhappy about just let's them know how to make us unhappy. In the letter I left I told him he could go "F" himself for all I cared.
I didn't have a weight problem until I got married the first time. I was about 180, then lost down to 135 during the 5 years I was single and then back up to 210 pounds after the second marriage. I lost down to 114 due to health issues. Then gained back up to 180, but lost over 40 pounds by adding lard and grass fed butter to my diet. A lot of it.
My email address is under "about" on my page if you need anyone to talk to.
Stay strong, love yourself, you are free now.
It's "your" time now.
I can relate to everything you have stated... every single thing
How did you manage to survive the 3 years?
@@angelicamartinez323
By not reacting and making it a game. Keeping my eye on my goal.
He would come and tell me something funny, but I would not laugh. When he got no reaction, he'd be like "oh.... well I thought it was cute."
And by not jumping to do for him like I use to. I pretty much ignored him.
He use to tell me something he was wanting or whatever and being the curious person that I am, I would be looking it up online.
Well, he goes camping about once a month and was telling me that he needed to find some firewood to take camping for fires. He came in and sat on the recliner arm like he did when I was at my desk, which was all the time, because I was not able to do much. So, he says "I need to find a saw mill to see about getting scraps for firewood." I said "Well, look up sawmills online." He said "I don't know the name of them." I said "Just look up "sawmill" in our area. He suddenly jumped up and stormed off. I was like "okay...." Then it hit me that he was trying to get me to look up local saw mills. And I just started laughing. I had disconnected so much that it didn't even click with me that he was trying to get me to do it until he stormed off. lol
I stopped giving him fuel. I realized what he was and was not going to give him anymore of my energy.
If someone is trauma bonded, that will have to be broken.
And I mentioned the letter. The ore I added and edited that the more I read over and over how nasty he was to me. I was still civil and still did little things here and there, but I just got out of my emotions.
Not long before I left, he came to the bedroom door (we slept in separate rooms) and he said "There you are, I thought I had lost you." I told him in the letter that he has already lost me, he just didn't know it yet.
You basically have to stop caring about them. Once I realized he never, ever loved me, it was easy for me to just cut off my feelings for him. He had done enough bad stuff to me that that was it for me. But Aquarius can do that easily when they see the truth in a situation.
I survived one day at a time knowing that I was saving money to leave. Looking to the future. I stopped acting like anything bothered me. I was just indifferent. I had asked him to start walking on our road with me to try and build up some strength and stamina when it cooled off some. I could tell by his okay, blah response that he didn't want to. So, I never mentioned it again. A couple of years later, he started going walking with his son and his family. He would go pick them up and drive an hour or more sometimes to go hiking. By then, I was glad to get his energy away from me. I told him in the letter I left that if he had walked with me like I asked him to that he would not have been so puny when he started walking with his son and family.
I pretty much ignored him as much as possible. Interacted as little as possible.
And just knowing what I knew was coming and he didn't helped me look forward to that day. I left while he was on a camping trip.
I was a zombie for weeks because it just took so much out of me, but I did it. I had no family to call on because he had turned them against me. I had nobody that I could call because I was so isolated. He made sure of that.
I just kept my focus on getting out. Right before I left, he was looking for a sleeping bag that he had and he had looked all over the house. The only place left was the attic. I told him that if he would bring everything down, that I would go through stuff and look for it.
And I did, but my real intent was to get what I wanted to take with me. So, he brought everything down out of the attic, and I packed my stuff up and put his stuff back in boxes for him to put back in the attic.
In the letter, I told him why I did that and said so thanks for bring all that down so I could go through it to see what I wanted to take with me. I can only imagine how ticked off he was that he had been played.
He is not the only one who can pretend and act covertly. I just don't do it to hurt anyone. I did it to save myself.
I stopped caring and that helped me to not react.
And I acted very "whatever" with him. They hate that word BTW. But that was my attitude, just whatever. I don't care, whatever.
I even bought ear buds to further ignore him.
You have to emotionally disconnect. Cut the emotions ties, the trauma bond. Not care either way. Because even when you hate them, you are still giving them your energy.
If he was wanting to go do something to devalue me, I encouraged and helped him go do it. Like finding small containers to store stuff in for camping or whatever. Because the more he was away from me, the better I was.
Hope that helped. I'm sure there are other things I did, but it's been over a year and a half since I left. But he had no clue that I was packing to leave.😇
@Solossandy
Thank you! I really do appreciate that.
Looking forward to your email.
And there is something that is supposed to happen today that if it does, you won't have to worry about expenses anymore.
I'm just hoping it happens.🙂
Wow! You are brilliant Dr Ramani!
It’s like you are here living with me and my narc husband!
My mother uses inheritance as the weapon of her power. She has several times told me that she has found a way to ensure that I don't get anything, and threatens with it if I don't want to spend time with her. She is the meanest and most malicious person that I know. She's always spoken horribly about others as well. She has smiled several times when she gets me or others upset
Thanks Dr. Ramani! I never fully understood the trauma bond. Thanks to you now I do. My situation…I have a best friend/non blood family member of 44 years who is a covert narcissist (and alcoholic for the past +10 years). Since she became an alcoholic, the bad behaviour greatly increased in frequency, and she could not wear her mask around me. The major abuse was always in private. Your videos helped me get through the process of seeing who she truly is, grieving the relationship, falling out of love with her, and finally disassembling the bond and having no fear of losing her. Sticky situation is that I am the Godmother to her children, so I cannot totally cut ties. Now I just view her as a necessary evil that over holidays I have to endure and the occasional phone call for her to tell me all the parties, overseas trips, how wonderful her life is (eyeroll). Mindset is to treat her like a toddler. When she does try and “Hoover/Breadcrumb” me, I don’t fall for it, as thanks to you I know better. I used to love her with all my heart…after going through the grieving process, which took months, I have detached. Now I view her with sadness, as she is such a pathetic human being who prays on others. Best of luck to all those going through this painful process. Remember YOU are worth it! Blessings for healing for all that have a narcissist in their life.
My 1st thought, went to the children
If your friend is treating you like this, how is she treating her most priceless children?
@ My friend “behaves” like this with me in private only. NEVER if there is a “witness” to the behavior. She will only “triangulate” me when others are around. To your point, I have seen her lay into her grown son when he would not bring her another bottle of wine, and said “Mom, don’t you think you’ve had enough?” She started screaming at him and threatened to disinherit him (they are very wealthy). I was absolutely horrified. He just got her the wine, looked at me, and shrugged his shoulders. She has a husband (who travels constantly), and three (grown) children. The kids all appear to be wonderful people. So I don’t know…I do know when they were young, if she took a firm tone with them, they looked scared and did exactly as she said. Horrible situation, but at least I am mentally free of her. Our communication has gone fron several times a day, to maybe once a week, if that. Blessings to you and your situation.
We used to have a connection. He used to make me laugh and he was fun to be around. In the beginning, we were almost a team or partners.
Radical acceptance is truly essential to begin healing. That connection was conditional. The laughter and fun only took place when he chose the events. There is a "ME" in team if you manipulate the letters. I asked him why he didn't talk with me and communicate more? He said, "I tell you what I think you need to hear." How can a marriage survive with that?
This was an illusion. There was never anything positive or healthy in this for me.
It was not me.
I am almost free. I will have peace of mind and soul. I will exit this emotional roller-coaster very soon.😊
just left him for good this time. it was so hard. the same person who abuses you cannot save you.
This is just an amazing video. So lucid, clear-eyed, and profound about narcissism, breadcrumbing, and gaslighting.
It's especially insightful about the relentless and upside-down nature of a narcissistic relationship, where the person being abused:
- Gratefully accepts ever smaller breadcrumbs over time
- Is made to think they're the badly behaving person, not their narcissistic partner
- Is manipulated into believing they need therapy for their issues (e.g. anxious attachment) when in reality, any "issues" were entirely caused by their narcissistic partner.
Everyone is gaslit into thinking this, including therapists who aren't trained to recognize narcissism and accompanying behaviour.
Dr. Ramani, thank you! ❤️💖💗
I am in the process of moving out. I have started feeling bad about moving on. My husband is begging me to stay and I really want to stay, but I am not healthy, thriving, and I feel stuck. I am re-reading my text messages, journals, and I have recorded arguments and I listen to those to help me with my decision to move. This is so helpful.
An excellent explanation of trauma bonding.
This video really opens my eyes and causes me to reflect about past things which at the time i didn’t know what was happening. A couple months after meeting my wife she would say and
do things that was odd to me but i brushed them off. Now 9 years later my life has changed so much i feel i am no longer the man i once was. I never knew men could be victims of narc abuse. i don’t have anyone to talk to about my abuse because people just don’t believe men can be victims.
I felt that. I felt guilty about making him leave, and he said, "I don't understand what's happening right now." He actually didn't understand. I now believe the only thing he didn't understand was that I actually would make him leave for cheating, even though that was one boundary I set in the beginning of our relationship (once he finally "settled down" into the relationship).
After finally finding a partner with whom to build a healthy relationship, I can say that I CAN live without him, but I don't WANT to.
Narc Mom and then 26yr marriage to a Narc. Wow thank you so much for validating every single thing I’ve felt. Including the shame, pity, questioning myself, being the cold one, am I the narc, is he right its all my fault, my penance. These are thoughts that I have never voiced to anyone else. Thank you for validating, explaining and giving me the education that answers so many questions. He left me thankfully because I kept gray rocking him and his control, manipulating and power was lessening so he left. He keeps sending me long messages and emails but I’m not responding. The more I disconnect with mom and ex the less toxic my life is. Thank you so much for talking about this.
When they pull you back in and it feels so real and it's calculated actually, that just shows you that you have a need that your mind can disguise with a false belief. That said: don't beat yourself up with that, but rather say to yourself and continue to say "it's not you." So that you can get on with your journey!
I really needed this one. I’m in a constant struggle with the idea of what a mother should be like. Versus what a person who has had enough abuse is like.
Thank you Dr Ramani... I was chasing the jackpot 😢 the final straw was after I spent £1000 on his birthday and the following day he abused me again. I'm 3 weeks into no contact. It'll never change. He'll never change. I need to change and realise there is no better version, there is no hope, there is no future, and I need to wake up and move on once and for all. I'm working so hard to recover and heal this pattern. I can't keep paying in, trying, giving, and hoping it'll improve things. I'm cutting my losses.
I was in an abusive NPD relationship. He would threaten me, my family, etc. He caused so much upset. I would often say to myself, "why am I going for comfort to the very person who hurt me?" Thank God I've grown.
I’ve always felt like I was the one to blame in my relationship. She constantly told me that everything was my fault, that I was irresponsible, and that I never took accountability. Over the years, I carried that guilt without questioning it. However, I discovered at least two instances of infidelity on her part, and now, during this divorce, she is already in a new relationship and completely dismisses me. Finding your videos, Dr. Ramani, has been life-changing. They’ve helped me understand so much about what was really going on, clarified my mind, and given me the strength to move forward. Thank you for the work you do.
I forgot to mention, we were married for 18 years and have two kids.
Excellent Video! Mine originated with a sibling. The sweet/mean cycle and intermittent reinforcement keeps the relationship going. The hit of dopamine when she was pleasant was like a drug addiction. Dysregulated nervous system and walking on eggshells. No contact for over a decade now but there was huge pushback to "forgive and forget" because it was family.
I do have my issues, but my estranged wife made me believe that I was much worse than I actually am. I’ve been trained by her to simply accept the situation with her out of fear that she would make things so much worse for me. I had broken contact with my family to keep drama between her and them to a minimum. I went on a trip out of state with my elderly mother and my sister to attend a funeral. My life has been absolute hell ever since. All because I started speaking to my family again.
"we would walk away from it and tell the casino people!" 😂😂❤ True though. I love common sense metaphors like these. It helps us keep things simple.
I think a major part of it is that when we were raised by a narcissist, there are no casino people to tell. We have to leave quietly without pointing out to what happened or else we will be punished even worse. We are lucky to get out and cut all ties, which, as human beings wired for connection, is devastating.
Wowwwww you blew my mind on that
My relationship went from absolutely wonderful highs, so many shared interests, humour, accomplishments, wonderful sex life, to completely toxic, manipulative gaslighting, disrespect, lack of empathy, lack of consideration, poor communication, lack of loyalty, public humiliations, and a final betrayal and that's when I ended it. Almost a year later and it's still difficult, still grieving and so lonely.
Yes, an older sister. Abuse throughout my life, DONE .
I feel like I’m the bad person sometimes. It’s a thought that cycles. I know I’m not but it creeps in.
"I'm a bit of a handful myself."
"Eh, you probably arent."
This is vitally important!!
I always thought i was a very difficult person, because i couldn't get along with my mother who "so clearly loved me." i needed to have a set of virtues that i could stand firm in, within myself, regardless of the external world. It made a world of difference to be able to rationally measure the words i said and the words they said and to KNOW that i was not being or doing what they were claiming. Being able to identify a mechanism and brush off their words as irrelevant is so useful, and something they do to us all the time. It helps level the playing field.
Narcissistic behavior often involves “intermittent reinforcement,” also known as hot-cold or on-off dynamics. This inconsistency can create an addictive cycle, much like gambling you’re left chasing the next moment of connection, never knowing when it will come. Similarly, individuals with borderline personality traits may idealize and then devalue others, paired with approach/avoidance conflicts. Both behaviors can be deeply unsettling and unhealthy for the person on the receiving end.
Borderlines may also fixate on a “favorite person,” forming trauma bonds similar to the validation-seeking patterns of narcissists. Whether it’s with a narcissist or someone with BPD, these dynamics can leave the other person emotionally drained, confused, and feeling trapped.
Trauma bonding is incredibly destructive. I remember being so hooked that I would have done anything, even sacrificed a kidney, just to feel some sort of connection with my ex. My nervous system was completely thrown off, stuck in the rollercoaster of highs and lows.
Breaking free from these toxic patterns is hard, but it’s possible. Recognizing the cycles and choosing to prioritize your well-being is the first step toward healing.
Ha! I’ve gotten the “you’re paying for a past life bs. This person looked at every person suffering as the offender rather than the receiver of bad treatment. What a way to take away any of your needs and feelings
Watched twice b2b extremely helpful, timely, just being stonewalled after breadcrumb & devalued, 5th chance and hopefully the last 🙏🏻
That's how I felt with my soon to be ex husband... It took me months to realize that him leaving me was a blessing in disguise. Honestly even after he left me for his mistress, we would still see each other, until the weekend of my birthday of last year. He had an argument with her, he came over my apt, and we were intimate. The next day, on my actual birthday, she called me and texted me. I knew she wanted to know if we spent the night together. I finally decided to not tell her, ignore her, and finally try to move on. Idk why but I still miss him sometimes, just what i thought we had...
Oc we miss every1 that we leave/leaves us behind. We are very social creatures. 1.think of sth else or postpone your thoughts. 2. Talk about it with some1 else but not selftalk. Don't think about it, put on a song and shake for a couple min and smile. Smiling is good for your brain and releases dopamine when u do it
Has it occurred to you, that the mistress could be here in the responses, too? Nobody is going to tolerate the behavior of the narcissist. Mine also had at least 3 other women as I found out after.
Spent my whole life being the most low mantinace person you have ever known - to thi s day. Bread crumbs are bigger pieces then what i am tossed - not big even big enough for a mouse . Threats walking with your head down always be walking on egg shells. Feel like i just woke up. I am definatly in ptsd . Trying to step up and out of the mud and the fog.
When I was thirteen years old I knew it was not me for the reasons why I was never getting along with my biological mother but I still felt bad and a huge amount of shame for not being able to get along with my biological mother at the time!!!
Wow this is so true afraid to leave because we think some one else will get a newer version of them like Dr Ramani said there is no better version.
You’re amazing. You explain things so well. I appreciate what you do….helps me so much
I'm so lucky to find your channel and hopefully starting the healing process soon. Thank you doctor! 🙏🏻
THERE IS NO BETTER VERSION.
Been there bad as any addiction
I would watch in fascination while So many people fell for his endearing flash and dazzle charm and charisma, only to end up with Destroyed finances, devasted personal relationships, a life in ruins, but still so often loving him and wanting to help him with even more stringent resources. Ever so often, I would end up Shaking my head
Omg what he did to me for so long. Thanks! Learning so much from you.
oh you’re so good to us, thank you always ❤️
Breadcrumbing. My sisters holiday meals fit this. And my brothers few visits each year to help with the lawnmowers. I don’t need either but feel obligated and a lot of tension about allowing/continuing it. It’s like o fear the consequences of separating from it. And they know this. Otherwise they wouldn’t offer anything at all. It’s a trap. Not a gift or a fun gathering.
"No" is not a bad word ❤
Brilliant lady Ramini, not only for the info, but mostly for the simple, concise, precise, clear and "human" way she explains❤
Brilliant Ramani!
You've described every EVERY step and minute of each one
In Spite of my life of Chaos with this person, I always saw him as a profoundly mentally ill person . He would Lie, Love Bomb me like gangbusters, have All his flying monkey adoring fans spy on me, lie to me and report back to him all the time, then when I would confront him , he would Double Down on the Flash and Dazzle Charm and Charisma, back to Treating me like an absolute Queen just like he did in the beginning, Until he got me into a situational position where he could Lock In yet Another attempt at his ' Control '. I was one hell of a Confused Hot MESS ! And the tremendous Guilt I feel every time I refuse to respond to or answer his desperate pleas has gutted me with confusion . It's an Emotional White Water Rafting Ride for Sure !
This was so helpful. I feel like the bad one. All the signs. I didn't know about trauma bonding, and the fears you mention are exactly the impediments to my freedom. Why do I feel guilty? Feel bad for him? What about me? It is utterly mind baffling. Thank you thank you thank you for explaining so articulately.
I was sooo delulu...broke off trauma bond 3 mths ago no contact....now I c the truth best part is im freeeeeeeeee
So much you have said, actually all of it resonates deeply with me. Both family and ex husband. The later I’m in the breadcrumb phase and have been recognizing it for what it is. The fixer….10000 times I said I don’t need someone to fix shitbut allowed it. It’s crazy how this video is dead on my life
Trauma bond sounds a lot like the general understanding of Stockholm syndrome
I was definitely trauma bonded. Smh
This year I could rid of one narcissist ( my ex covert narc) it’s been 4-5 months of no contact, finding the strength to get rid of another one my father ..with whom it’s tough and broke me into pieces for serving him for all my life now I am just trying to get the strength to break off the original perpetrator of my life who ruined my life
Thank you Dr. Ramani. I believe trauma bond can be weaken over time by creating distance and no communication with the toxic person. Time, distance and silence is best remedy for survivors of narcissistic abusive relationship. 💯🙏♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹😎
Dr. Ramani, thank you for your extensive teaching on this topic of narcissism. I had never known much on the topic of narcissism. You are gifted in explaining it plainly. I do not think narcissists realize the sadistic pummeling abuse toward the other with whom they victimize with repetitive sadistic cycles whether in romantic relationships and myriad of other relationships. It is sad, and they do not realize it is morally wrong and need to be convicted in their consciences to stop the cycle of abuse.
Dr. Ramani you are the G.O.A.T on all things narcissistic. I've really learned a lot!
I realize for a few years now my relative has lots of Narcissistic characteristics and have stayed distant for protection. Saddest thing is that there kid now is acting exactly like the parent and being a little smart ass and trying to always be right even lying to change the situation.
If you haven't already could you do a video on how to deal with relatives who are the kids of Narcissistic patents and displaying many similar signs?
(Btw even you don't make a video it still stands that you are the best TH-camr on the subject in my option lol. That's not just for fluff.😂)
The notion of a flawless marriage or relationship is a myth. There's no set formula for success; what works for one couple may not work for another. Yet, I've discovered that there's always a way forward, even in the most challenging times. Five years ago, my wife and I encountered significant hurdles in our marriage that nearly led to divorce. Despite the adversity, we managed to weather the storm and emerge from it with our bond renewed and revitalized
There is a lot of sense in what you just said and I hope mine works the same way too, we are currently separated but I cant live without her, I love her so much. wish I can get her back I can do anything to have her back, we have tried therapy amongst other things
Its always difficult to let someone you love go, but in my case I had the help of a spiritual adviser who saved my marriage from collapsing her name is shelly renee white
This is helpful, I will look her up online right now...Thanks.
You wont regret it
I needed this ❤️🩹
I've been trying to get away from mine for almost 7 years. But I have never, in previous relationships, been this afraid of "losing him." It's weird because the bad times far outweigh the good ones. He has drained me emotionally and financially, and yet, I'm the one afraid that he'll "love" another woman. I am filled with anxiety with just the thought. I know I need to get away, but I just can't seem to be able to do it 😢
What does the narcissist or the offender in abuse feel. What’s a trauma bond for them like. I immagine it’s the addiction to having a punching bag. How much reward does the evil In the offender get out of us. I think they have a deep hate of the light of others and instead of building that power up to help others and the world they see that good and want to tear us apart sometimes literal killers are underneath what the narcissist is. Yes they are nothing without others to feed off of. Very vampire like. 😮
I want to thank you so much for your videos, it has changed my life.
I originally thought your first explanation. What is it called when someone during a fight says : to go, stay, go stay like back-and-forth where there’s no way to win the emotional argument I was left just not knowing what to do but then when he’s frightened me, I knew exactly what to do. Thank you for your.❤❤❤❤ Day 4 out 3rd time in 5 months! 🎉Thank you
At least there’s more excitement with a slot machine. The feeling of empty is so awful. Someone else after me coming along for him would be a relief. My ultimate reason for me to not go is the thought that I will be completely alone. I believe as I write, that I feel that way is because I’ve given all of myself to him. Wow. What an insight. Thank you Dr. Ramani.
Thanks for saving my life and sanity
I'm here because I need to feel better. You had me cry so much when you said that the reason we don't leave the slot machine is because you think the next person will hit the jackpot and we don't want that person to take our stuff. The next person is gonna get the better version of the narcissist. And how many betrayals and invalidations before you walk away.
My boyfriend has cheated on me multiple times and I can't seem to let go of him because of course, I love him, I care about him, and he has mental health issues. The empath in me wants to stay with him. He never admitted what he did, he never apologized, and he'd let me suffer for weeks. I, being an idiot, would take him back and act like nothing happened. We'd go back to being good and then I'll catch him again talking to another girl. He betrayed me, berated me, and manipulated me multiple times.
I'm so sick of feeling this way. I'm sick of being powerless, depressed, and anxious all the time. I don't know how to get out of it. At the same time, I don't want to end it because he and I have been through so much. I know a lot of you reading this would tell me to leave him but the problem is I can't. I miss him terribly when he's not speaking to me. I miss his presence. I can't let him go. I keep waiting if he'll reach out. I keep hoping he's missing me. The worst thing is I know what the right thing is but I just can't do it.
I just want to die so I won't feel this way anymore.
You can. Search for the small ways you can behind quietly.
You can live without him. You have a lot of LIFE to LIVE.
I've experienced years of not wanting to live as well. After 39 years of marriage, I'm finally able to start planning my departure, which is delayed by an illness that's made it hard to work. Nevertheless, I am still moving in that direction quietly, becoming stronger, becoming less affected, becoming more aware, and seeing what IS.
You can. Search for ways you can. Begin with radical acceptance. it begins with acceptance.
We'd been married 34 years when I realized the love-bombing man I dated was never returning. I gave him a funeral in my mind and sobbed, bawled, sobbed some more. I decided to try to see if I could make it work with the understanding that "he" would never return, as I had been so hopeful he would for so very long. I have all the flags on this video.
Even though he is presently breadcrumbing, ... sigh ... and even though I love him, want good for him, and have all the reasons in her video for not wanting to leave or being able to even imagine a good life ... I am deciding to separate. I've accepted what IS. There's nothing I can do to bring back the good days, the happy days. Presetly, we have some ordinary days with sprinkles of bad, not the huge bad experiences of before. That's where it is. Empty and lonely, I feel less frightened and less devastated because of my acceptance. I'm still scared, still profoundly grieved, but the grief is beginning to resolve slowly as I finally learn what acceptance really is. I didn't understand acceptance, and this ignorance kept me stuck for ... decades.
Slowly, I am getting strong enough. Acceptance is like ... vitamin C. It reduces my risk of getting sick again from re-infection of his harmful behaviors. It helps me heal.
All of this is the worse of the worse not sure how it's going to end no contact and no money know legal has to be brought in now. They are not above law. So vengeful. 😢😢
Dr ramani I love u so much. U have helped me more than can possibly imagine. I'm worn out babe. I've realised that they rule the world. I don't understand why but they rule the world. And I am broken. They win in the end. I'm so depressed. People have to understand they always win and more u try the worst it gets. My family has ruined my life and the mistake I made was learning about narsasistic people and deluding myself I could change my life for the better
oh my god, last 7 minutes; that’s exactly what i am going through right now; and saying/ feeling those exact things 😢
Yup, constantly thinking I'm the bad one.
Many American slaves were trauma bonded to their owners because they had Sundays off, Christmas celebration, and the chance of being freed dangled over their heads. Trauma bonds are powerful & can keep people in servitude or abuse for life. 😢
I choose to pick the 'Lesser of Two Evils' in leaving my Narc Ex. 🍒
Great topic, well explained as always! 🎉
30:03 I watched that movie Gaslight (1944) and the entire time I wanted to hold and comfort the wife in my arms. 😅😢 I don’t know if her husband (in the movie) is a narcissist, though, maybe just a conman.
Dr. Ramani there is not enough paper in the world to put down 63 years of bad treatment - parent then husband - but over the years i have filled and burned hundreds if not thousands of notebooks to try and understand what i had done to be treated the way i have and being born was my first mistake 😊 my oldest sister has never forgiven me for this.
Absolutely enlightening. Thank you!
God bless you Dr. Ramani and your work🎉❤🍀