This is the best way to put forgiveness into perspective. I’ve always felt this way when it was used badly. Implying that you’re doing something wrong or you’re being unfair if you don’t forgive someone who treated you poorly is just so wrong
Thank you. I have cptsd from childhood. I have no interest in sharing details, but my Aces score is 7. I cut contact with my family of origin 14 years ago when I was 40 after seeing them start to recreate behaviors from my childhood by targeting my child with them. I got us out of the situation, set some boundaries around contact, they violated all of them, so I cut all contact. I also ended up moving across the continent for incidental reasons, which helped with boundary keeping. Even now, 14 years later, I get pressure from extended family, friends, and internet people to forgive them and seek reconciliation. When I think about forgiveness it feels unsafe, because not forgiving- keeping a kernel of that anger alive- is emotional fuel for maintaining the boundaries I have kept. It counterbalanced the guilt and shame I feel around cutting them off. I expect when they are safely dead I will quell that anger and seriously consider forgiveness. In the meantime, I just don’t think about them all that often. My kiddo is off being successful in their early career, I am living a happy life, and the scars from my childhood are slowly fading with the help of therapy and the love and support of good people.
Keeping a small amount of anger alive as fuel to maintain your boundaries is a completely understandable adaptor. That anger is really useful in keeping you safe, in this instance, the value based action from it is to maintain your no contact boundaries. I salute your commitment to your welfare. ❤
Your statement about that kernel of anger keeps you from feeling guilt about your boundaries really hit me at my core. That really helped connect my own dots. Thank you.
@@TheHardwicksI see you. Glad you made it through. Acknowledging anger and your right to be angry is a healthy thing to do. I hope you are in a better place now. ❤
Thank you so much for this. I've been told my entire adult life that I should forgive my parents and it always made me feel totally dismissed and conflicted with my ability to stay safe from the people who hurt me. It's so freeing just to hear someone acknowledge that forgiveness doesn't have to be part of my healing process. I appreciate your sensitivity to this really nuanced subject, you're the first person in my experience to do so. You always show genuine empathy for victims of abuse and it means so so much.
This was brilliant! I have been beating myself up to forgive because I thought that was the only way to find peace. I was trying to force the peace I craved. When you talked about forgiveness being part of the process, not the beginning and not the end, I needed to hear that!! Thank you Emma.
This is what biblical forgiveness actually looks like. This is what God intended it to be. It’s all a journey. Thankyou for all your good work. God bless ❤
I’ve been waiting for a video like this Emma!. When it comes to forgiveness, if I don’t feel I can give it to the person who hurt me and refuses to apologise and change, I instead give myself the forgiveness 🙏
Forgiveness cant be forced on anyone but its a beautiful thing to have that kind of heart where the heart is free of anger and hate which consumes people. Again it can't be forced on anyone but its better for everyone to have that forgiving heart, its up to the individual to try and find it within them if they want to. I'm not trying to be religious neither or shove nothing down anyones throat but Jesus was the main influence for me to be forgiving and free of hate for any human.
@@JamesP44 you shouldn't hold onto hatred but you should still hold people accountable for their actions, when dealing with bad people if you tell them "oh it's okay I forgive you" they will just take it as permission to continue abusing you.
I’m a 51 year old man and I was abused when I was 6 or 7 years old. It has impacted my life greatly from anger issues, relationship problems, and wearing an armor around everyday! I’m tired of being this way!
Thank you for shedding light on what forgiveness looks and feels like. I have been struggling for so long because I thought I had to reach a place where I could absolve the other person and maintain relationships like it hadn’t happened. I also believed that the best revenge is to live well. It’s not revenge, it’s release.
Thanks for making this video! I’ve always had a tendency to intellectualize and forgive/understand people prematurely. I think because of this, a part of me continues to feel resentful while the rest of me scrambles to remain cool and rational. It’s hard work 😓
Thank you! At the start of separating from my family, people would say I should forgive my mother because she is the only one I'll have. It felt invalidating towards everything I felt and I needed to feel my own power as I had it taken away from me for so long. So telling me to give up the power of "resentment" felt dismissing. I'm now in a place where I feel it is best to forgive my parents and move on with my life as the resentment is hurting me. I haven't spoken to them in over a year and understand they can never be the parents I need but I must let go of the resentment; for my sake. So this is where I am at; trying to find peace with my past and my decision to cut them out. Forgiving and accepting this is how it had to be.
I was in a similar situation. When ppl say "it's the only mam or dad you have", I reply what a pity that the only ones I have couldn't be real, caring parent. I'm not responsible for my parents' condescending attitude & abusive behaviour. It isn't fair to expect a child to fulfill parents' failed lives and missed goals.
Whew! Emma this one was tricky. My feelings around forgiveness have been absolutely painted by some religious trauma: forgive everyone 7×7 ended with me enabling some terrible alcoholic behavior and it took me years to realize that I was not helping them or myself by mitigating the consequences of their bad behavior. Forgiveness can feel like a forced forgetting, like I'm somehow letting myself down and becoming vulnerable to abuse again. How will I know that I can trust myself to stay away from manipulation or being taken advantage of without my grudge to protect me? It's a lot to unpack! Thank you!
Thank you for this. As a religious person who was abused in childhood by a sibling and who has gotten the 'forgive and forget' sort of messages from my religion, it amazes me how superficial the understanding and explanation of the process can often be, and how much of a burden it places on the victim. It's almost as if "religious abuse" is added to the original abuse. Exhorting deeply hurt people to "just forgive" without providing them with real tools is not helpful or healing (yet I have a number of books on forgiveness - mostly written by religious people - that seem to do just that!) "Cheap forgiveness", like "cheap grace" maybe only serves to let the perpetrator off the hook of facing consequences. I allow for the possibility of miraculous emotional healings, but for the rest of us forgiveness, healing, and reconciliation is a difficult process, but one well worth learning. Even then some scars may remain, and that's just the reality of life. We need more on this topic.
I appreciate how you tried to look at this from all angles. Not forgiving, not forgetting, hopefully protects me. I did a lot of of forgiving in my youth, and for all I forgave, it all happened again. I walked away from all those people and forgave them and myself for that mistake to only have all those horrible things happen again and again with different people. Being shamed by those I forgave for forgiving them, being shamed by those I gave trust to, for being so trusting has left a mark. I’m now middle aged, have been working on myself with therapy, coaching, trauma therapy, books, podcasts and what not for over 30 years. To have the same things happen, now, after all that work, all that time, all that money(self employed-no insurance) and all the collateral damage those betrayals cause(physical and mental breakdown and losing work from not being able to preform) I don’t feel I have enough time left to go where I have been trying to go, like there is no room for mistakes. I have not been able to forgive myself, for making that mistake, so many times, after all that effort to heal those things.
This was by far the most insightful, helpful videos (of your many excellent videos ), for me, personally. My priesthood leaders did every last thing wrong according to what you've spelled out here, and the damage has been long-lasting and excruciating to undo. "Forgive and forget. Tell absolutely nobody, not even a therapist. Stay with the abuser." THANK YOU!
Thank you. I think this is the most balanced video on forgiveness I have ever seen. I'm very thankful that you approached it from a non-religious perspective. "Just forgive them" hasn't worked for me - ever. This video helps. I will watch it again to assimilate the concepts even more.
I need to see this like 3 times. Sooo much good and powerful information packed into this video. I'm struggling with holding onto anger, but every time I let it go and forgive, it finds its way back somehow. Thank you for the very informative and spiritual approach to letting it go!
Thank you for this video (as always)! I remember very clearly the night I decided to forgive my abuser, when I had refused to do so until then, because he was forcing me to do so... After reading the definition in a dictionary, I realized forgiveness was not what he asked for and more about letting go of my rage and welcoming more comforting feelings than forgetting what he did. It allowed me to start focusing on myself instead...
I'm a counsellor and facilitate various psycho educational workshops. Whenever the topic of forgiveness comes up the attendees go to universal understanding from a biblical sense. It's an additional process to unwrap that knowledge and then speak on the therapeutic application and the benefits of this. But once they get it and start to work with it the transformation is immensely satisfying.
why? you are aware that people like her just give bs pills and that takes care of the problem, while they like to "think" they fixed the person p.s a therapist also has a therapist
Before watching this video I thought I knew the value of forgiveness, and I was not wrong. But having watched this video I am now wiser about sharing my perspective. I better appreciate that listening first, and empathizing with another, is the prerequisite to giving advice. The best advice comes from within. Guiding another to finding for themselves the peace that forgiveness offers is so much more valuable than sharing a slogan.
So hard to think about forgiveness for traumatizer! It’s so hard!!! It feels like I’m deceiving myself by thinking of forgiving. It feels like loosing a part of me!
Thank you! Sincerely, Thank you. I'm 64 and have Cptsd due to parental abuse. The issue of forgiveness has been so confusing to me. Your explanation has really helped to clarify. Watching from Australia
Great video. I'm working with a client just now who is being pressured from all angles to "forgive" someone. I have been working with the sense of violation that external agendas being forced over the clients internal process creates. Forgiveness is deeply personal and your video beautifully describes how forgiveness can be part (and it isnt and doesn’t need to be a part for everyone) of the hearlling process.
Thank you for this!! !! I've been grappling with forgiveness of late. I have been in a 12 step program for 31 yrs. Forgiveness is pivitol and healing. However, I found that although I had dealt with my resentments and anger, acknowledged my part and others' part, i did not deal with my shame. Sadly that shame kept me bound to unhealthy behaviours of attachment and compulsion. So now, it has been like peeling an onion for me to see the source of my shame. It has been difficult to acknowledge I am not to 'blame' and to forgive me and I do know the healing importance of forgiveness for others and remain willing when the timing is right, for me.
Questions for a follow up vid: What if the person can't be forgiven? What if you can't forgive them? What are the best strategies for just letting that person go?
This is what worked well for me. Imagine the person that has hurt you. Imagine them in your own way in your mind. Imagine there is still a connection between you and him/her. Imagine this connection to be something light and easy, like a soft satin lint of fabric, or a thin electrical wire that is connection you to that person. Now cut that silk lint, or electrical wire. Or whatever you imagined and see that person drift away from you. This even works for intrusive thought, Just cut them loose. I would urge people to actually grab a sharp scissor and cut some thin soft cloth to experience what it feels like. If you have done it irl it might be easier to imagine. I must state, forgiving is NOT justifying what someone did! Forgiving is a choice to let go of the anger, hate, resentment and whatever feelings pop up. Many people they dont realise it is a choice they can make. Also I would say, LEARN how to forgive. Practice it. Give yourself space to learn and practice forgiving. Turn it into a skill rather than something you do to "get it over with". If you have forgiven someone but certain traumatic memories keep popping up, dive into the traumatic memories to see what still has to be forgiven. The main people in our traumas are easily identified. But I have found that certain background people can keep traumatic memories in place. Let me give an example. You had a narsicistic bf or gf. You broke up and have forgiven them, but certan memories keep popping up. What have you not forgiven in these memories yet? Maybe a friend who did not pick your side in certain moments? Forgive them too. Sometimes this is like identifying what a nightmare or dream is trying to tell you. It might take some analising. I have been learning to forgive over the past 3 months. And it takes work. You can do both the above at the same time also. Forgive them as you cut them loose. Take care❤
The way I look at forgiveness, when the action done is unforgivable, I’m not forgiving you for what you did, I’m forgiving myself for taking on the pain, resentment and anger I’m holding on to for your actions. I’m shifting that accountability to you and releasing me from it. Since I have no control over someone else actions, all I can do is control my reactions to your actions. When we allow that person to live rent free in our heads, traumatizing us over and over, we are the ones in control of that action. First we must love ourselves and tell us that is enough. We have suffered enough we have put ourself thru enough pain over this. Then forgive ourselves for extending the suffering of the pain, anger, resentment and all the messed situations that has caused our life’s because we give ourselves the grace that as humans, these are complex emotions and must be worked thru. So don’t think of it as forgiving them for the pain they gave you, forgive yourself for holding on to the pain when it no longer served its purpose to heal you and now only further harms you.
Thank you for bringing this up, Emma. Very empowering to recognize the need to validate one's feelings from painful experience and create safety. It usually takes some time to recover one's sense of dignity, a sense of justice and charity, health and energy before one can extend one's self to be able to address what the other needs to uphold and live a virtuous life.
I love this video. Yes forgiveness is a tricky one, and I struggle as a therapist, and a client. This video captures so much. Everything you said makes sense and is valuable. Thank you .
This is extremely helpful.. I am just getting back on my feet after I lost my sister due to domestic violence AND a month after her passing my husband tried to kill me... I am on my healing journey and looking forward to completely letting go of the hurt and resentment... Your videos have been really helpful, I watch them everyday and it's transforming my brain bit by bit
Emma- love your upbeat, kind delivery of critical recovery topics. I rely on your videos to help those in crisis begin to recover. You are the best at what you do!😊
Thank you for this video. I've learnt that I'm already about halfway on a path of forgiving my (narcissistic) mother for neglecting and abusing me. Your tips have been very helpful. Would you consider making a video in the (near) future about how to deal with narcissistic parents or other family members? I've shut my mother out for about 10 years, but I would like to have some form of contact again. I assume she will probably never change. So there will always be a risk of her hurting me again. How do I set clear and healthy boundaries whilst still having contact with her?
I have found that as I do the work and heal from the abuse of others, the anger and resentment have resolved themselves. I've never tried to not be angry. But I found ways to process the pain, hurt, shame, and anger, and those emotions left when I was offered, and learned to offer myself understanding, validation and love. I've also developed a deep understanding of narcissism (for those are the abusers in my life) and the understanding has also helped immensely. I've learned how every action is pervaded by their narcissism. I now see them as a snake of sorts. I lived with a wild creature whose habit is to strike out and bite. And I got bit. How can I hate the snake for doing what is in its nature? Between understanding and healing, I'm at a peaceful place. I don't wish them harm, I don't need an apology, I don't need to shout on a rooftop what they've done trying to find outside validation for the horrors I suffered, and my heart rate doesn't increase when I think about them. I feel fairly neutral toward them. This feels like "forgiveness" to me. And it just kind of happened.
This is beautiful, and I needed the reminder this week. In my experience forgiveness is not a one-and-done event, but it is a process and even a lifestyle. I think of it like weeding a garden. I may never be permanently “done” forgiving, but I still choose to pull the weeds when they come back because that’s easier than living with resentment growing out of control.
I felt stuck after the acknowledging step, and thought I should be able to forgive after that. Turns out there is so much more work, and now I have a good idea how to move forward to heal. Thank you for your video.
I can so deeply relate to this video! I need to get through this, but forgiving without change on the other person’s side is just not in me right now. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!
Thank you, Emma. Thank *you* for being here.❤ This was SO helpful in this journey of understanding Forgiveness. I had grasped the part about stopping to replay the offense over n over again. The new point is: stop using the offense to excuse my negative behaviour. Instead, learn n take active steps towards the good life I dream of living. 🙏
I think this video honestly and clearly illustrates true healing and forgiveness rather than the coerced and bloodless version that was modeled on me. Great video. Thank you
Thank you so much. I just went through these steps with resentment I've held for years and I truly feel lighter more in control rather than angry and guarded
Thank you for your bright, inspired, thoughtful, honest and systematic approach to a dense subject commonly dealt with in rather superficial and even disrespectful manner. Congratulations!
Thank you for posting this video. It helped me better understand forgiveness. I have Dissociative Identity Disorder and am a survivor of childhood trauma.
I had a spiritual teacher that used a lot of clinical jargon on me and his audience (with no medical background.) It frustrated me that this person seemed like he wasn't aware. Then it angered me when I realized he was aware. Although I don't accept and I do believe his actions should be called out and stopped, I think I can find it in myself that I can forgive that we all make mistakes and we all get duped by our egos sometimes.
Thank you for this video ❤. Forgiveness has been so hard for me throughout my life. I even had trauma therapy a few years back to address most of my pain from my parents. I've found that being a parent & going through all the different life stages of my children has continuely brought up emotions from my childhood & some things (painful memories) are so hard to let go of & it continuely effects me as this parent of mine wants to be a present Grandmother now to my kids & I'm so appreciative of that but I also get so resentful of the times I needed them & they weren't there for me.
Emma, Again, another powerful and solution based video that enriches our lives. You give us greater understanding to deep hurt and how to process and even forgive. These are necessary words of wisdom. As adults, we must learn and grow in this life. It's interesting how we can get 'stuck ' when we don't know how to accept and process hurt, as it leads to anger and builds to resentment. I had lived in ANGER for 5+ years. Please know your beautiful approaches to processing emotions has lead me down the path of forgiveness and better boundary setting. Thank you from the bottom of my heart as you have provided a "charity that never faileth" to all of us on the other side of your screen.
This is a great video. I've been writing down my thoughts on many events that happened throughout my life that was caused by bad parenting and living my life undiagnosed with Autism. I wrote down so much that I now have an Autobiography that is currently over 80,000 words and rising. In the end, as I got my thoughts in order, I realized the point of my book wasn't to express my hate, but because I wanted to forgive. I want to forgive my parents, my teachers, and also myself. I want my life to me mine for once. No one else's. A lot of what you said is exactly what I realized as I came to this conclusion, so I'm glad I figured it out correctly.
Foisting forgiveness on a victim is a way to blame that victim for what happened to them and the state he/she in now. I forgive when someone asks for it and is genuinely sorry, and is mending their ways. Also intrusive thoughts don't mean that you hang on to resentment; they're just that, intrusive, random thoughts, you don't provoke them, they just happened; simply push them back and tell them NO, they don't belong in your life, out, out. Very good, nuanced video. Very helpful to all of us, victims and onlookers, witnesses.
It's so hard to forgive especially when the perpetrator plays the victim and put the blame on you, telling the world that you're lying. And the people pity the perpetrator while blaming the victim. And I thank you Dr. Emma for this. I had a hard time forgiving too. I forced myself to forgive because the people were telling me that I was wicked for not being able to forgive. The more I forced myself, the harder it was for me to forgive. It's not that I didn't want to. I just needed more time. It felt like the people invalidated my feelings. I was able to forgive after many years of battling mental issues. I am now doing well. And this video really helped me realized that the long process of forgiveness I went through was valid. And that I was not a bad person just because I couldn't forgive right away. I was released from that mindset 😊
Thank you for this video. I struggle with how to relieve myself from resentment from an abusive marriage. I have set boundaries and I am safe. The anger rises from time to time and I don't blame myself. Just need to know how to progress from here.
I have always struggled with anger , resentments, and unforgiveness. I have been working on it with a therapist and 12 step sponsor, and it is getting better. I was told that resentments only hurt you, not the wrongdoers. I had to write down my resentments and how they affected me to see the damage to motivate me to let go. I also had to write down my part in the resentments so I could see where i was in the wrong, make amends, change behaviors, build my character and reconcile relationships if appropriate. Obviously there are some situations you don't play a part like if you were abused. I really get into psychology and human behavior so I like to understand why people act how they do for example mental illness. It helps to have compassion on them and to wish them well. This is NOT justifying or condoning it just helps to understand, have compassion, and wish them well. Its also not good to get revenge, not only because of consequence but they will get their karma and there will be justice. If it motivates them to change and make amends be happy for them.
I've been practicing for decades (CBT, DBT). Secular, and always troubled by the expectation that forgiveness is a realistic expectation. Forgiveness is completely optional and personal. Radical acceptance is the practice of acknowledging and accepting a situation without judgment. It's a way to cope with difficult experiences and reduce suffering. (Dialectical Behavior Therapy). Suffering is exacerbated by rumination, resentment, anger, and self-destructive behavior. DBT and meditation shift focus and attention by expanding awareness, which often includes the strength and resilience it took to survive the abuse. Then building upon that.
I find that self forgiveness is different from forgiveness in a way, like with self blame the way forward is to forgive ourselves, the way to present it to someone new to therapy would be to explore the effects of self blame and when someone is ready to move away from the effects they may be ready to start forgiving themselves.
It's easier to forgive when I realize how much I've been forgiven. I personally thought your first response was the best had you been able to share the gospel as a defence of why you choose forgiveness! I do understand why the appropriate time for what is said could be more helpful though.🙂 Great video. God bless 🙏🏼
I struggled to forgive someone who hurt me deeply. I was so angry and resentful at them. What ultimately helped me get over it is to say to myself that karma will eventually get them. I know what's not strictly speaking a very therapeutic approach, but I view it as having let go of wanting to be the judge and passing that burden onto 'the universe'.
My wife just played this to me. It answers a lot. It sounds like a process I would very much benefit from. Interestingly I'm almost 50 and still in turmoil after childhood abuse. Anger and hated ( manly for myself) is very much my t shirt. My mind analog is horrifically derogatory to myself. In short I would love to learn more about this process
I just wanted to make the point that forgiveness and reconciliation are very separate things. One does not require or lead to the other. They can both happen individually and independently. They each need clarity of boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. ❤
It's sincerely impressive how sensitively she broached this topic, stepping right into the religious rhetoric that cuts across all the Abrahamic religions, and how thoroughly she proceeded through it to lead people to the end goal. @Therapy In A Nutshell Thank you for spending so much time thinking about the content you post. This is a critical subject that *everyone* needs to grasp more fully and really understand because it's one that we will each encounter at sometime, even if we are never preyed on by a predator there are many victims of predators, abusers, and con artists I was not raised in a religious home, but I was raised in Dallas, Texas and that is a culture rife with religious narcissism that is only slightly less about "keeping up appearances" than one might find in Utah. One of the many all too common fallacies that religious indoctrination forces onto their followers is that forgiveness is divine, and that victims of abuse, neglect, and predation *must* forgive the predator, abuser, or neglectful caregiver who caused them so much trauma and harm. It's such trite, shallow, thoughtless, narcissistic rhetoric to tell others to just let bygones be bygones, as if people should just sweep inconvenient truths under the rug, and not air "dirty laundry" publicly because, for narcissists of all kinds (not just religious narcissists), it's all about keeping up appearances). I don't know of one organized religion that does NOT tell victims to forgive trespasses including sexual predators, child abusers, drunk drivers. Organized religion does so much harm to people...and to society...and they teach their followers NOT to think deeply, and they never teach them to have empathy for victims, and some go so far as to preach that they should blame victims and to parrot religious rhetoric back at them, sometimes kindly and sometimes judgmentally. Rarely, you might encounter a small percentage of religious leaders teaching about empathy and encouraging their followers to feel empathy for those who've somehow been victimized and to consider how they might feel if the tables were turned and they were in the other person's situation (note: and even some narcissists don't believe in holder their own abusers accountable because they identify with the abuser instead of identifying with the victim, which they're desperately trying NOT to be i.e. weak). I hope that, someday, this will change.
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Love this lady her voice is so comforting and kind
Yes
I can sense Emma's genuine care for her fellow humans
She is the best! Clear explanation, actionable steps, no fake fluffy speech, soothing voice, lovely demeanour
I have been lucky enough to meet her in person, and she is just as wonderful as she seems on the videos. ❤
This is the best way to put forgiveness into perspective. I’ve always felt this way when it was used badly. Implying that you’re doing something wrong or you’re being unfair if you don’t forgive someone who treated you poorly is just so wrong
I'm so impressed with the fact that you began this vid with an admission you'd been wrong!!! A rare thing in this modern age! Kudos!!!
Thank you.
I have cptsd from childhood. I have no interest in sharing details, but my Aces score is 7. I cut contact with my family of origin 14 years ago when I was 40 after seeing them start to recreate behaviors from my childhood by targeting my child with them. I got us out of the situation, set some boundaries around contact, they violated all of them, so I cut all contact. I also ended up moving across the continent for incidental reasons, which helped with boundary keeping.
Even now, 14 years later, I get pressure from extended family, friends, and internet people to forgive them and seek reconciliation. When I think about forgiveness it feels unsafe, because not forgiving- keeping a kernel of that anger alive- is emotional fuel for maintaining the boundaries I have kept. It counterbalanced the guilt and shame I feel around cutting them off.
I expect when they are safely dead I will quell that anger and seriously consider forgiveness. In the meantime, I just don’t think about them all that often. My kiddo is off being successful in their early career, I am living a happy life, and the scars from my childhood are slowly fading with the help of therapy and the love and support of good people.
Keeping a small amount of anger alive as fuel to maintain your boundaries is a completely understandable adaptor. That anger is really useful in keeping you safe, in this instance, the value based action from it is to maintain your no contact boundaries. I salute your commitment to your welfare. ❤
@@TheMinimalistTherapist amen to that 🙏 💯
Your statement about that kernel of anger keeps you from feeling guilt about your boundaries really hit me at my core. That really helped connect my own dots. Thank you.
@@TheHardwicksI see you. Glad you made it through. Acknowledging anger and your right to be angry is a healthy thing to do. I hope you are in a better place now. ❤
It was so hard to hear we use resentment as a way to punish others. But it only does damage to ourselves. I needed to hear that
Thank you so much for this. I've been told my entire adult life that I should forgive my parents and it always made me feel totally dismissed and conflicted with my ability to stay safe from the people who hurt me. It's so freeing just to hear someone acknowledge that forgiveness doesn't have to be part of my healing process. I appreciate your sensitivity to this really nuanced subject, you're the first person in my experience to do so. You always show genuine empathy for victims of abuse and it means so so much.
This was brilliant! I have been beating myself up to forgive because I thought that was the only way to find peace. I was trying to force the peace I craved. When you talked about forgiveness being part of the process, not the beginning and not the end, I needed to hear that!! Thank you Emma.
This is what biblical forgiveness actually looks like. This is what God intended it to be. It’s all a journey. Thankyou for all your good work. God bless ❤
I’ve been waiting for a video like this Emma!. When it comes to forgiveness, if I don’t feel I can give it to the person who hurt me and refuses to apologise and change, I instead give myself the forgiveness 🙏
Forgiveness cant be forced on anyone but its a beautiful thing to have that kind of heart where the heart is free of anger and hate which consumes people.
Again it can't be forced on anyone but its better for everyone to have that forgiving heart, its up to the individual to try and find it within them if they want to.
I'm not trying to be religious neither or shove nothing down anyones throat but Jesus was the main influence for me to be forgiving and free of hate for any human.
Amen ❤
@JamesP44 Amen to that ❤
@@JamesP44 you shouldn't hold onto hatred but you should still hold people accountable for their actions, when dealing with bad people if you tell them "oh it's okay I forgive you" they will just take it as permission to continue abusing you.
Great approach. I agree.
I’m a 51 year old man and I was abused when I was 6 or 7 years old. It has impacted my life greatly from anger issues, relationship problems, and wearing an armor around everyday! I’m tired of being this way!
What a compassionate and comprehensive collection of questions (and possible answers)! Equipment for a healthy life! Thank you.
Thanks so much for this video. I want to heal, i don't want to be filled with anger anymore, i just want peace. Thank you a lot ❤
This sentiment speaks for a lot of us 🙏 ❤
Thank you for shedding light on what forgiveness looks and feels like. I have been struggling for so long because I thought I had to reach a place where I could absolve the other person and maintain relationships like it hadn’t happened. I also believed that the best revenge is to live well. It’s not revenge, it’s release.
Thanks for making this video! I’ve always had a tendency to intellectualize and forgive/understand people prematurely. I think because of this, a part of me continues to feel resentful while the rest of me scrambles to remain cool and rational. It’s hard work 😓
Thank you! At the start of separating from my family, people would say I should forgive my mother because she is the only one I'll have. It felt invalidating towards everything I felt and I needed to feel my own power as I had it taken away from me for so long. So telling me to give up the power of "resentment" felt dismissing. I'm now in a place where I feel it is best to forgive my parents and move on with my life as the resentment is hurting me. I haven't spoken to them in over a year and understand they can never be the parents I need but I must let go of the resentment; for my sake. So this is where I am at; trying to find peace with my past and my decision to cut them out. Forgiving and accepting this is how it had to be.
I was in a similar situation. When ppl say "it's the only mam or dad you have", I reply what a pity that the only ones I have couldn't be real, caring parent. I'm not responsible for my parents' condescending attitude & abusive behaviour. It isn't fair to expect a child to fulfill parents' failed lives and missed goals.
Whew! Emma this one was tricky. My feelings around forgiveness have been absolutely painted by some religious trauma: forgive everyone 7×7 ended with me enabling some terrible alcoholic behavior and it took me years to realize that I was not helping them or myself by mitigating the consequences of their bad behavior. Forgiveness can feel like a forced forgetting, like I'm somehow letting myself down and becoming vulnerable to abuse again. How will I know that I can trust myself to stay away from manipulation or being taken advantage of without my grudge to protect me? It's a lot to unpack! Thank you!
As a a childhood and teenage sexual assault survivor, this video is very freeing. I held resentment for years and it hurt as hell…
Thank you for this. As a religious person who was abused in childhood by a sibling and who has gotten the 'forgive and forget' sort of messages from my religion, it amazes me how superficial the understanding and explanation of the process can often be, and how much of a burden it places on the victim. It's almost as if "religious abuse" is added to the original abuse. Exhorting deeply hurt people to "just forgive" without providing them with real tools is not helpful or healing (yet I have a number of books on forgiveness - mostly written by religious people - that seem to do just that!) "Cheap forgiveness", like "cheap grace" maybe only serves to let the perpetrator off the hook of facing consequences. I allow for the possibility of miraculous emotional healings, but for the rest of us forgiveness, healing, and reconciliation is a difficult process, but one well worth learning. Even then some scars may remain, and that's just the reality of life. We need more on this topic.
Best to take guidance from a trained psychologist rather than others in a church I think.
I appreciate how you tried to look at this from all angles. Not forgiving, not forgetting, hopefully protects me. I did a lot of of forgiving in my youth, and for all I forgave, it all happened again. I walked away from all those people and forgave them and myself for that mistake to only have all those horrible things happen again and again with different people. Being shamed by those I forgave for forgiving them, being shamed by those I gave trust to, for being so trusting has left a mark. I’m now middle aged, have been working on myself with therapy, coaching, trauma therapy, books, podcasts and what not for over 30 years. To have the same things happen, now, after all that work, all that time, all that money(self employed-no insurance) and all the collateral damage those betrayals cause(physical and mental breakdown and losing work from not being able to preform) I don’t feel I have enough time left to go where I have been trying to go, like there is no room for mistakes. I have not been able to forgive myself, for making that mistake, so many times, after all that effort to heal those things.
I wish so much for you to find comfort and forgive yourself.
This was by far the most insightful, helpful videos (of your many excellent videos ), for me, personally. My priesthood leaders did every last thing wrong according to what you've spelled out here, and the damage has been long-lasting and excruciating to undo. "Forgive and forget. Tell absolutely nobody, not even a therapist. Stay with the abuser." THANK YOU!
😢😢
I feel strong enough to express my boundaries with your help
Thank you. I think this is the most balanced video on forgiveness I have ever seen. I'm very thankful that you approached it from a non-religious perspective. "Just forgive them" hasn't worked for me - ever. This video helps. I will watch it again to assimilate the concepts even more.
I need to see this like 3 times. Sooo much good and powerful information packed into this video. I'm struggling with holding onto anger, but every time I let it go and forgive, it finds its way back somehow. Thank you for the very informative and spiritual approach to letting it go!
Thank you for this video (as always)! I remember very clearly the night I decided to forgive my abuser, when I had refused to do so until then, because he was forcing me to do so... After reading the definition in a dictionary, I realized forgiveness was not what he asked for and more about letting go of my rage and welcoming more comforting feelings than forgetting what he did. It allowed me to start focusing on myself instead...
I'm a counsellor and facilitate various psycho educational workshops. Whenever the topic of forgiveness comes up the attendees go to universal understanding from a biblical sense. It's an additional process to unwrap that knowledge and then speak on the therapeutic application and the benefits of this. But once they get it and start to work with it the transformation is immensely satisfying.
I am saving this video to view again (and again and again?) . Thank you so much.
why? you are aware that people like her just give bs pills and that takes care of the problem, while they like to "think" they fixed the person
p.s a therapist also has a therapist
Before watching this video I thought I knew the value of forgiveness, and I was not wrong. But having watched this video I am now wiser about sharing my perspective. I better appreciate that listening first, and empathizing with another, is the prerequisite to giving advice. The best advice comes from within. Guiding another to finding for themselves the peace that forgiveness offers is so much more valuable than sharing a slogan.
So hard to think about forgiveness for traumatizer! It’s so hard!!! It feels like I’m deceiving myself by thinking of forgiving.
It feels like loosing a part of me!
Thanks
Thanks!
Thank you! Sincerely, Thank you. I'm 64 and have Cptsd due to parental abuse. The issue of forgiveness has been so confusing to me. Your explanation has really helped to clarify. Watching from Australia
Great video. I'm working with a client just now who is being pressured from all angles to "forgive" someone. I have been working with the sense of violation that external agendas being forced over the clients internal process creates. Forgiveness is deeply personal and your video beautifully describes how forgiveness can be part (and it isnt and doesn’t need to be a part for everyone) of the hearlling process.
Boy do i need this!!!
I'm still hurt for years and it really impacts me...
Thanks Emma ❤
Thank you for this!! !! I've been grappling with forgiveness of late. I have been in a 12 step program for 31 yrs. Forgiveness is pivitol and healing. However, I found that although I had dealt with my resentments and anger, acknowledged my part and others' part, i did not deal with my shame. Sadly that shame kept me bound to unhealthy behaviours of attachment and compulsion. So now, it has been like peeling an onion for me to see the source of my shame. It has been difficult to acknowledge I am not to 'blame' and to forgive me and I do know the healing importance of forgiveness for others and remain willing when the timing is right, for me.
Questions for a follow up vid:
What if the person can't be forgiven? What if you can't forgive them? What are the best strategies for just letting that person go?
Such a good question!
This is what worked well for me.
Imagine the person that has hurt you. Imagine them in your own way in your mind. Imagine there is still a connection between you and him/her. Imagine this connection to be something light and easy, like a soft satin lint of fabric, or a thin electrical wire that is connection you to that person.
Now cut that silk lint, or electrical wire. Or whatever you imagined and see that person drift away from you.
This even works for intrusive thought, Just cut them loose.
I would urge people to actually grab a sharp scissor and cut some thin soft cloth to experience what it feels like. If you have done it irl it might be easier to imagine.
I must state, forgiving is NOT justifying what someone did!
Forgiving is a choice to let go of the anger, hate, resentment and whatever feelings pop up.
Many people they dont realise it is a choice they can make.
Also I would say, LEARN how to forgive. Practice it. Give yourself space to learn and practice forgiving.
Turn it into a skill rather than something you do to "get it over with".
If you have forgiven someone but certain traumatic memories keep popping up, dive into the traumatic memories to see what still has to be forgiven. The main people in our traumas are easily identified. But I have found that certain background people can keep traumatic memories in place.
Let me give an example.
You had a narsicistic bf or gf.
You broke up and have forgiven them, but certan memories keep popping up. What have you not forgiven in these memories yet? Maybe a friend who did not pick your side in certain moments? Forgive them too.
Sometimes this is like identifying what a nightmare or dream is trying to tell you. It might take some analising.
I have been learning to forgive over the past 3 months. And it takes work.
You can do both the above at the same time also. Forgive them as you cut them loose.
Take care❤
The way I look at forgiveness, when the action done is unforgivable, I’m not forgiving you for what you did, I’m forgiving myself for taking on the pain, resentment and anger I’m holding on to for your actions. I’m shifting that accountability to you and releasing me from it. Since I have no control over someone else actions, all I can do is control my reactions to your actions. When we allow that person to live rent free in our heads, traumatizing us over and over, we are the ones in control of that action. First we must love ourselves and tell us that is enough. We have suffered enough we have put ourself thru enough pain over this. Then forgive ourselves for extending the suffering of the pain, anger, resentment and all the messed situations that has caused our life’s because we give ourselves the grace that as humans, these are complex emotions and must be worked thru. So don’t think of it as forgiving them for the pain they gave you, forgive yourself for holding on to the pain when it no longer served its purpose to heal you and now only further harms you.
Like forgive yourself for holding on the pain.
@@PamelaBlevins-ct3se
Thank you for bringing this up, Emma. Very empowering to recognize the need to validate one's feelings from painful experience and create safety. It usually takes some time to recover one's sense of dignity, a sense of justice and charity, health and energy before one can extend one's self to be able to address what the other needs to uphold and live a virtuous life.
I love this video. Yes forgiveness is a tricky one, and I struggle as a therapist, and a client. This video captures so much. Everything you said makes sense and is valuable. Thank you .
This is extremely helpful.. I am just getting back on my feet after I lost my sister due to domestic violence AND a month after her passing my husband tried to kill me... I am on my healing journey and looking forward to completely letting go of the hurt and resentment... Your videos have been really helpful, I watch them everyday and it's transforming my brain bit by bit
Emma- love your upbeat, kind delivery of critical recovery topics. I rely on your videos to help those in crisis begin to recover. You are the best at what you do!😊
Thanks!
Thank you for this video.
I've learnt that I'm already about halfway on a path of forgiving my (narcissistic) mother for neglecting and abusing me. Your tips have been very helpful.
Would you consider making a video in the (near) future about how to deal with narcissistic parents or other family members?
I've shut my mother out for about 10 years, but I would like to have some form of contact again. I assume she will probably never change. So there will always be a risk of her hurting me again. How do I set clear and healthy boundaries whilst still having contact with her?
I have found that as I do the work and heal from the abuse of others, the anger and resentment have resolved themselves. I've never tried to not be angry. But I found ways to process the pain, hurt, shame, and anger, and those emotions left when I was offered, and learned to offer myself understanding, validation and love. I've also developed a deep understanding of narcissism (for those are the abusers in my life) and the understanding has also helped immensely. I've learned how every action is pervaded by their narcissism. I now see them as a snake of sorts. I lived with a wild creature whose habit is to strike out and bite. And I got bit. How can I hate the snake for doing what is in its nature? Between understanding and healing, I'm at a peaceful place. I don't wish them harm, I don't need an apology, I don't need to shout on a rooftop what they've done trying to find outside validation for the horrors I suffered, and my heart rate doesn't increase when I think about them. I feel fairly neutral toward them. This feels like "forgiveness" to me. And it just kind of happened.
Yes it helps to understand what's behind some abusers.
This is beautiful, and I needed the reminder this week. In my experience forgiveness is not a one-and-done event, but it is a process and even a lifestyle. I think of it like weeding a garden. I may never be permanently “done” forgiving, but I still choose to pull the weeds when they come back because that’s easier than living with resentment growing out of control.
I have no idea what I would look like, without all this pain. 😞
I felt stuck after the acknowledging step, and thought I should be able to forgive after that. Turns out there is so much more work, and now I have a good idea how to move forward to heal. Thank you for your video.
This amazing woman and her videos are helping my mental health immensely. I am so appreciative of this. Thank you Emma.
I can so deeply relate to this video! I need to get through this, but forgiving without change on the other person’s side is just not in me right now. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!
Thank you, Emma. Thank *you* for being here.❤
This was SO helpful in this journey of understanding Forgiveness.
I had grasped the part about stopping to replay the offense over n over again.
The new point is: stop using the offense to excuse my negative behaviour. Instead, learn n take active steps towards the good life I dream of living. 🙏
I think this video honestly and clearly illustrates true healing and forgiveness rather than the coerced and bloodless version that was modeled on me. Great video. Thank you
Thanks Ms. Emma. Always love anytime I can listen to your wisdom.
So many nuggets of wisdom in such a short amount of time. Thank you 🙏
I think it depends what one's understanding of _forgiveness_ is, which may not be the same for everyone.
Thank you so much. I just went through these steps with resentment I've held for years and I truly feel lighter more in control rather than angry and guarded
Beautifully spoken . Thank you for sharing .
Thank you for your bright, inspired, thoughtful, honest and systematic approach to a dense subject commonly dealt with in rather superficial and even disrespectful manner. Congratulations!
Thank you for posting this video. It helped me better understand forgiveness. I have Dissociative Identity Disorder and am a survivor of childhood trauma.
Thank you! Reviewing and taking notes. You are so thoughtful and insightful.
You are the best! Thank you so much! And God bless.
Thank you. This arrived at the right moment
I wish everyone could be in AA .
It's a program that makes so much sense in regards to forgiveness
Thanks, lots of good stuff in there! Keep it up
I'm I the only one who would like Emma as a friend?
Nope not the only one. Feel like I know her already ❤
I had a spiritual teacher that used a lot of clinical jargon on me and his audience (with no medical background.) It frustrated me that this person seemed like he wasn't aware. Then it angered me when I realized he was aware. Although I don't accept and I do believe his actions should be called out and stopped, I think I can find it in myself that I can forgive that we all make mistakes and we all get duped by our egos sometimes.
Thank you for this video ❤.
Forgiveness has been so hard for me throughout my life. I even had trauma therapy a few years back to address most of my pain from my parents.
I've found that being a parent & going through all the different life stages of my children has continuely brought up emotions from my childhood & some things (painful memories) are so hard to let go of & it continuely effects me as this parent of mine wants to be a present Grandmother now to my kids & I'm so appreciative of that but I also get so resentful of the times I needed them & they weren't there for me.
I love how you highlighted the divide between forgiveness and reconciliation. Great info, and great approach to such a tough topic!
Emma,
Again, another powerful and solution based video that enriches our lives. You give us greater understanding to deep hurt and how to process and even forgive. These are necessary words of wisdom. As adults, we must learn and grow in this life. It's interesting how we can get 'stuck ' when we don't know how to accept and process hurt, as it leads to anger and builds to resentment. I had lived in ANGER for 5+ years. Please know your beautiful approaches to processing emotions has lead me down the path of forgiveness and better boundary setting.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart as you have provided a "charity that never faileth" to all of us on the other side of your screen.
The concept of ' forgiveness ' is kindly and nicely expressed. Thanks Emma👍👍❤️❤️
Love your videos. You really make the subjects easy to understand. You are an excellent therapist
This is a great video.
I've been writing down my thoughts on many events that happened throughout my life that was caused by bad parenting and living my life undiagnosed with Autism. I wrote down so much that I now have an Autobiography that is currently over 80,000 words and rising.
In the end, as I got my thoughts in order, I realized the point of my book wasn't to express my hate, but because I wanted to forgive. I want to forgive my parents, my teachers, and also myself. I want my life to me mine for once. No one else's.
A lot of what you said is exactly what I realized as I came to this conclusion, so I'm glad I figured it out correctly.
Foisting forgiveness on a victim is a way to blame that victim for what happened to them and the state he/she in now. I forgive when someone asks for it and is genuinely sorry, and is mending their ways.
Also intrusive thoughts don't mean that you hang on to resentment; they're just that, intrusive, random thoughts, you don't provoke them, they just happened; simply push them back and tell them NO, they don't belong in your life, out, out.
Very good, nuanced video. Very helpful to all of us, victims and onlookers, witnesses.
Thanks Emma. Very helpful.
It's so hard to forgive especially when the perpetrator plays the victim and put the blame on you, telling the world that you're lying. And the people pity the perpetrator while blaming the victim.
And I thank you Dr. Emma for this. I had a hard time forgiving too. I forced myself to forgive because the people were telling me that I was wicked for not being able to forgive. The more I forced myself, the harder it was for me to forgive. It's not that I didn't want to. I just needed more time. It felt like the people invalidated my feelings. I was able to forgive after many years of battling mental issues. I am now doing well. And this video really helped me realized that the long process of forgiveness I went through was valid. And that I was not a bad person just because I couldn't forgive right away. I was released from that mindset 😊
I love this Video, thank you Emma! It's so practical with all the steps!
Thank you for all the effort you are doing! 🌹
6:23 YES! thank you for saying this
Thank you💜💜💜
Thank you for this insightful session. Powerful and clear.🙏🏼
Thank you for this video. I struggle with how to relieve myself from resentment from an abusive marriage. I have set boundaries and I am safe. The anger rises from time to time and I don't blame myself. Just need to know how to progress from here.
I have always struggled with anger , resentments, and unforgiveness. I have been working on it with a therapist and 12 step sponsor, and it is getting better. I was told that resentments only hurt you, not the wrongdoers. I had to write down my resentments and how they affected me to see the damage to motivate me to let go. I also had to write down my part in the resentments so I could see where i was in the wrong, make amends, change behaviors, build my character and reconcile relationships if appropriate. Obviously there are some situations you don't play a part like if you were abused. I really get into psychology and human behavior so I like to understand why people act how they do for example mental illness. It helps to have compassion on them and to wish them well. This is NOT justifying or condoning it just helps to understand, have compassion, and wish them well. Its also not good to get revenge, not only because of consequence but they will get their karma and there will be justice. If it motivates them to change and make amends be happy for them.
Thank you so much this has been so helpful.
I've been practicing for decades (CBT, DBT). Secular, and always troubled by the expectation that forgiveness is a realistic expectation. Forgiveness is completely optional and personal. Radical acceptance is the practice of acknowledging and accepting a situation without judgment. It's a way to cope with difficult experiences and reduce suffering. (Dialectical Behavior Therapy). Suffering is exacerbated by rumination, resentment, anger, and self-destructive behavior. DBT and meditation shift focus and attention by expanding awareness, which often includes the strength and resilience it took to survive the abuse. Then building upon that.
I find that self forgiveness is different from forgiveness in a way, like with self blame the way forward is to forgive ourselves, the way to present it to someone new to therapy would be to explore the effects of self blame and when someone is ready to move away from the effects they may be ready to start forgiving themselves.
Thank you Emma may God bless your work🙏
Thank you for these insights into an important topic! I have to process this a bit.
Emma you’re the best! Thank you for all your helpful videos 💛
Nutshell 😊. Emma😊. Clearly outlined beneficial work which can be done.
Great video. Thanks Emma.
It's easier to forgive when I realize how much I've been forgiven. I personally thought your first response was the best had you been able to share the gospel as a defence of why you choose forgiveness! I do understand why the appropriate time for what is said could be more helpful though.🙂 Great video. God bless 🙏🏼
Thank You.
This is something I really need to sit with ❤
I struggled to forgive someone who hurt me deeply. I was so angry and resentful at them. What ultimately helped me get over it is to say to myself that karma will eventually get them. I know what's not strictly speaking a very therapeutic approach, but I view it as having let go of wanting to be the judge and passing that burden onto 'the universe'.
Thank you for this 😊
My wife just played this to me. It answers a lot. It sounds like a process I would very much benefit from. Interestingly I'm almost 50 and still in turmoil after childhood abuse. Anger and hated ( manly for myself) is very much my t shirt. My mind analog is horrifically derogatory to myself. In short I would love to learn more about this process
I just wanted to make the point that forgiveness and reconciliation are very separate things. One does not require or lead to the other. They can both happen individually and independently. They each need clarity of boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. ❤
Loved this! Can you do a deeper dive on it?
THANK YOU 🙏🏼✝️
great topic. thanks for sharing
It's sincerely impressive how sensitively she broached this topic, stepping right into the religious rhetoric that cuts across all the Abrahamic religions, and how thoroughly she proceeded through it to lead people to the end goal.
@Therapy In A Nutshell Thank you for spending so much time thinking about the content you post. This is a critical subject that *everyone* needs to grasp more fully and really understand because it's one that we will each encounter at sometime, even if we are never preyed on by a predator there are many victims of predators, abusers, and con artists
I was not raised in a religious home, but I was raised in Dallas, Texas and that is a culture rife with religious narcissism that is only slightly less about "keeping up appearances" than one might find in Utah. One of the many all too common fallacies that religious indoctrination forces onto their followers is that forgiveness is divine, and that victims of abuse, neglect, and predation *must* forgive the predator, abuser, or neglectful caregiver who caused them so much trauma and harm. It's such trite, shallow, thoughtless, narcissistic rhetoric to tell others to just let bygones be bygones, as if people should just sweep inconvenient truths under the rug, and not air "dirty laundry" publicly because, for narcissists of all kinds (not just religious narcissists), it's all about keeping up appearances). I don't know of one organized religion that does NOT tell victims to forgive trespasses including sexual predators, child abusers, drunk drivers.
Organized religion does so much harm to people...and to society...and they teach their followers NOT to think deeply, and they never teach them to have empathy for victims, and some go so far as to preach that they should blame victims and to parrot religious rhetoric back at them, sometimes kindly and sometimes judgmentally. Rarely, you might encounter a small percentage of religious leaders teaching about empathy and encouraging their followers to feel empathy for those who've somehow been victimized and to consider how they might feel if the tables were turned and they were in the other person's situation (note: and even some narcissists don't believe in holder their own abusers accountable because they identify with the abuser instead of identifying with the victim, which they're desperately trying NOT to be i.e. weak). I hope that, someday, this will change.
Thanks, very well put ! You say out loud some of the stuff I find hard to spell out ....
Thankyou