"I've been a victim, but that is not my permanent status" is a healthy way to acknowledge the cruelty and damage caused by the narcissist while resisting the urge the to fall into a lifelong victim identity like the narcissist lives each day. I don't want pity from anyone for the abuse I endured, but I sure appreciate empathy and compassion. I want to exist as a person of peace, not as a vengeful, hateful, self pitying forever victim.
At what time in the video is that said? If someone lost the use of their legs then that is their permanent status and they do need ramps and other accommodations in perpetuity. Maybe it's called disability rather than being a victim, but is it really much of a difference?
@@cairosilver2932 That's a good analogy. I liken the loss of my mother due to no-contact as having cut off my hand. I had to, because it was infected and I would have succumbed to gangrene if I hadn't cut it off. But that hand was no longer a part of me, either. I am still myself, but I am now forever changed. I'm learning to continue living life, still helping others, but not taking care of my gangrenous hand anymore. I can learn to do things one-handed. And people ask me, "Why did you cut off your hand? Why didn't you (do this) or why didn't you (do that)?" They will never understand if they haven't had a life-threatening situation that required such a drastic measure. And it's okay if they don't understand. They're lucky they do not have to understand.
To be bonded to THEM=Bondage. Your voice WILL NOT be heard. Boundaries=Strong language spoken in a calm, controlled manner. Radical Acceptance=Knowing and ACCEPTING that THEY are today as they were yesterday and how they'll be tomorrow. That all adds up to a great reason to... Stay Healthy!!
I'm having to get a lawyer behind the abuse, harassment, attacks and physical pain along with threats due to this technology inside my head due to these toxic relatives. I have been heavily abused and gaslight and then abused for my response from their abuse and they're attempts to silence me about the abuse. I have been in so many hospitals mental and medical and ER behind these people. They have abused me to agree to have a bond a forced bond basically trauma bond.
9:22 "I'm declaring, that I refuse to allow a depraved person to become the primary driver for my personal stability." 😂 BAM! 🎉 There it is. Thank you Dr. C. ❤
Alanon taught me not to react. I listened and acknowledged that I heard the narcissist, then I took action. Choosing not to go along with him, and followed the common sense plan for me. I expected the rage to follow, which it did, but I continued on. Thanks for all the knowledge and info you bring to us Dr. C. The Narc is always going to be who they are, they have never let me down!
Practice. Practice. Practice. Listen. Learn. Apply what’s learned. And keep moving forward. (Also, go easy on yourself. DRC applies to one’s self just as much or more sometimes as it does others.) Light and love, Team Healthy! DrC, I hope your weather is much more pleasant than the winter storms we’ve been getting here in Southern IN! Your pkg is still on its way. Our mail service was shut down for an entire week and I was stuck in CA with my gal because of the fires. This is the kind of stress I can handle (aka normal stress minus the narcissist’s confusing chaos.) Have a great day!
So true. I mean, the "normal stress" vs the narcissistic tragedy in every aspect of everything. (either fake tragedies built on nothing or true tragedies they provoke because they can't see beyond their nose). I like your creative job with books and papers. Congrats! A great day to you!
This is actually the key to my problems. I tried to keep the narcissist happy or tried to change them. And then resented how they didn’t act how I wanted them to. I can’t hold on to my sadness concerning them. I need to accept they treated me that way because that’s who they are. I can’t change them. They are gone and I can let go and accept what happened (and my new psychological limp) and move on
Always remember that you can't change another person and you don't need to. There is only one person you can change and that is yourself. By learning to accept yourself as you are, you will be more and more able to find inner peace. You cannot change what cannot be changed, but you can learn to change your inner attitude so that you will experience healing. I've read lots of comments with the same content, "I wished I had known this much earlier in my life...I wished this would be educated at school..." Of course, it would have been much easier and I understand the grief and the sadness. But it's never too late to change and be aware that you probably learnt much more lessons in life than "normal" people will ever do. Nothing is lost - for the greatest "reward" lies within you.
I vacillate. 4 decades with a CN pure hell. Stuck . Silent treatment is in effect again so far it’s been 3wks .(a couple of decades ago it was almost 2 yrs ! )
I always appreciate hearing the harsh but true realities of disengageing from the narcisst such as "you may have to walk with a psychological limp..." These realities help me move forward knowing what to expect. Thank you very much Dr. C.
This content is full of affirming statements. Truly, radical acceptance is the best way to heal coming from a narcissistic relationship. Thank you. Appreciate it. ❤
I learned that my nature is to help people. I would see someone that looked to me like a perfectly nice person that needed love and compassion. What I have learned is that those people are alone and unloved for a reason. (I’ve married two of them and still married to the 2nd) I am practicing radical acceptance and having zero expectations. I remind myself that when he complains about my attitude, my neglect of his needs etc. that he is free to leave anytime but he chooses to stay (and has for 22 years). I no longer feel any obligation to make his life better. I also am starting to understand that I am also free to leave. I am mentally preparing right now. Here’s to radical acceptance of what is while looking at what could be 🍾🥂
You are very very fortunate to have a narc low on the spectrum. The narcs I've had in my life would 'punish' me by emptying out accounts, having affairs, breaking my stuff, smearing my name, threatening my pets, etc. He is a complainer but nothing more. Be grateful.
Ive left, radical acceptance took a while but in my head i know its the right thing, i do not grieve my time with the narcissist, i do however struggle with the grieve of the “promised future” the time lost to that person… this too shall pass. I have to except that my ongoing divorce will not have a fair outcome, because the law is not geared to deal with Narcissists.
No contact or low contact with the gray rock method works best because you take back control as well as power, but never turn your back on a narcissist! It has a target 🎯 on it now & you’re in danger until they’re gone or dead.
Please get a lawyer and the law involved rather than live in fear of being targeted by the narcissistic. When you allow fear of being a target due to getting even for walking away you are being controlled. Expose evil to the law enforcement and get into court get these perpetrators locked up so you can live a fear free and control free life take your power back and seek justice rather than live in chains.
I moved around like a butterfly 🦋 in that relationship & he attempted to kill me. High achieving plus gentle folks are a Real Threat to Narcs ...keep it pushing" 💜💜💜
The psychological limp and me accepting it was going to be there was the thing that spurred me into a new phase of healing. Not as a victim, but acceptance of me and who I am today. I am flawed and compassionate and have discovered other things. Sometimes my limp gets in the way and it's frustrating. So now I try to make friends with it and others traits I reject. I believe radical acceptance is a process and it evbs and flows. That's because I am human. Thanks Dr. C!
Thank you Dr Carter. This is just what I needed to hear today. Radical acceptance. I am learning that I can’t change him nor can I make him happy. It doesn’t do any good to bring up anything with him. He only gets angry and lashes out with things that don’t even pertain to the subject at hand. I always regret having said anything. Gray rock and accepting it is best.
Thank you - this is so helpful. The best way to not be controlled is to stop trying to control. Basically let go. (I picture losing one’s skis and being dragged behind the boat) learn to accept things as they are, get rid of expectations/hope, release (forgive) and let go. Easier said than done but I so appreciate the guidance - something to work on.
Thank you! I'm grateful to have come across this video at just the right moment. Loved the concept of a "psychological limp" ❤ unlike so much content one might come across on TH-cam, this author doesn't sugarcoat things and doesn't give false hopes
Thank you very much for sharing this video. The narcissist in my life is my mom. I have been in therapy throughout my life, and I have found my authentic self and love myself. I was recently in therapy (again) for the past 2 years. I have not communicated with my mom since she moved into a retirement home in 2022. I'm happy. I love your channel ❤️. Blessings to you and everyone on this channel 🙏 I wish everyone the very best on their respective healing journey.
I finally arrived at what you have described as radical acceptance in two back to back occurances. And yes, humanity and these two individuals all contain ugliness but also some beauty. I have freed myself from their destructive patterns and expectations. What you have referred to as a "psychological limp" was my pain and some sadness in letting them go and having been let go of. It is freeing to cut off and be cut off. I now validate myself and teach others how to do the same. I have reached what i refer to as the beginning level of self-empowerment. It feels freeing not to be held back by another's toxicity. I pray that my hopefulness of a better life sustains itself.
I'm noticing being assertive (in a constructive way) in taking me toward Option 5. Being tethered is costly. They are just not going to reciprocate on your journey of growth. 🌹
Loved the early statement regarding the "trauma bond"; i.e., that "the trauma they create gets inside you". Their antics are so successful at drawing your attention onto them (and keeping it there) that you forget about yourself. I wonder what percentage of people could actually avoid or get out of a narcissistic relationship without help.
@@caroleminke6116 That very thing happened to me and in both cases I got out with no help but it cost me dearly. In the first instance, I was ostracized from family and disinherited. And to get out of the marriage I had to leave my home, my pets, many belongings, as well as financial future because I was almost 60 and had no family. God helped, though I really don't know how I got through it because ex-husband tried to ruin me financially.
@@caroleminke6116 Hi, Carole. My background is the same. Born to a narcissist and married one also. When I started with this channel, I suspected my husband was a narcissist but I had no idea about my mom. I just thought she was a difficult person I could no longer tolerate. I like Dr. C's statement about the trauma bond because it directs my attention away from the internal workings of the narcissist and more toward my own inner workings, which I know have become a little rough.
I so enjoy - and appreciate - Dr. C's videos on radical acceptance. The concept is so liberating. Before reading Dr. C's book, "The Anger Trap," I didn't know that anger was linked to self preservation.
I'm not sure about contempt. If I see a snake I might feel fear and that feeling is part of keeping away from it. The way the narcissist basically poisons all good things, I'm not sure if it's contempt or disdain that I feel, but it's part of keeping me away from it.
I like radical acceptance. I tell others exactly what transpires. I absolutely do not keep the odd things secret. "For some reason she told me I could no longer talk to her. Interesting, but I guess I can do my work with no input from her." I carry on in peace, and she looks like *that* as a "leader". If they are so amazing they should have NO PROBLEM with me repeating what they said. To this day I remember my old boss, an excellent psychiatrist, would give this puzzled look at what he viewed as misguided/not his thing (ie: his youngest in smart gear to ride a motorcycle, nothing crazy). The look I do now even if only in my head when I think of the ring leader narcissist. It's HELPFUL. It's accepting her misguided attempts to control me in a completely different department. And bonus? People like her HATE it that I'm at the radical acceptance point. ❤️
Wonderful advice from Dr. C. Leaving is complicated but possible and often unavoidable to go on living. I myself eventually understood that I could not fully appreciate all the good and beautiful things and people around me without disengaging from thoughts of narcissist adversary. Can't see the flowers for the weeds kind of thing. At a point too many weeds can get in our garden.
I reached radical acceptance quite some time ago. I can't break free and he's dead set on destroying me. I'm happy that others can get out and recover. That's just not in the cards for me because I guess I'm not as strong as other people.
Thank you so much, Dr. C!!❤ Your videos ALWAYS helped and helps me to understand my process of freeing me more and more from the narcs in my life! There is many of them both in private and work settings but then your wisdom and ongoing videoes are there ss a support in my life. I really admire your work and wisdom 🙏🙏❤️❤️❤️
Thank you so much Dr C, for your care and kindness to take us over the line and back into safely I’m just so grateful for. These people can” t see how impossible they are so there will never be change. They are belligerent.
The great idea behind this is that you're not giving the narcissist what they want. They WANT you to get riled up. Don't give them what they want. This tactic will infuriate them so much they won't know what the hell to do! LOL
Thank you so very much Dr. C! I'm forced to live with a psychotic sadistic narc bf. I csn no longer tolerate but can't afford to move out! I exhausted all options for solutions for ways out, but sadly my only "family" are 2 evil marc siblings I'm done with for life and at 72, bo options to escape this monster's abuse. Thank you so much for your excellent videos. GOD bless you;
Taking the high road, being morally better, gas lighting yourself. I understand what you are saying, I also understand you are preaching from a book perspective not a real life extensive loss perspective. Others set precedent, deal with them on their precedent. I went into anaphylaxis on the job. The people that were by law suppose to help made a subtle joke of it while trying to twist it into something it wasn't. Should they ever be in a life threatening situation, they will receive the same, even unto death. Taking the high road is not my responsibility any longer. That mindset was what destroyed a huge part of my life, being too nice and the lie of "you reap what you sow".
Why do some people take up a contrary position when they are not even being contradicted? I have noticed this hostile polarized interaction style is on the rise. Is it an Aspergers or bipolar issue? It is sad. It is as though they can only interact by putting people into contrary roles. It is like they would rather confuse things when there is no need to, just for attention. It feels like a manipulation or agitation addiction from the one trying to take offense at nothing. What is that about? It is weird. Why are some apt to imagine offenses where none are intended? I think it is a real sickness.
9:55 And I owe the NPD nothing. Not playing the role because they do not deserve the time and attention. Nor do I deserve to be forced to play the role of reflecting their contemp or disdain. No see saw brick throwing to mess up the balance. Keep your bricks. (To: the brick thrower)
This is a narcissistic tactic to pull you in , confuse you, and ultimately control you. There is no there, there, only the Boogie Man that they create (which is you, of course), and hope you will get involved with and engage with, what isn't real. If you engage with it, then they have a lot of power over you. It takes a truly depraved person to use these types of tactics, but I believe it is learned and people are putting it into practice, like a fad. 😔
Yes. Acceptance is such a great place because you know they are what they are and I can’t and don’t need to change them only change my perspective and mode of response and I’m free 😎 Jesus! What a journey its been!
Also, love Dr. C's expressive, readily accessible terms, such as "walking with a psychological limp." I remember Dr. C. invoking "psychological math" in another clip.
No contact what so ever will work...the problem is however to have a kid with an evil and stupid narc monster...fully to accept such a situation and standing up takes time and needs knowledge about narcissism how to deal with the narc turmoil
For me, a 12-step group helped, and then well-chosen therapy. He called my support people "losers." He had his good points and unhelpful attitudes, also. I hope this helps for a start. I wish you the best on your life journey.
Edit..well, maybe politics/political climate of today. There was a degree of DRC and good sportsmanship in the 59's 60's,70's that has seemingly been all nut lost. Ok bye
Because we acknowledge our inability and influence to change Narc's into caring people, and in the process understand we will NEVER receive the love we hoped they would freely give us. I did grieve for a short time before I emotionally moved on filling my 'empty spaces' with the complete filling of God made possible by His Son Jesus. I am full of love from Him and it spills over onto to others much more now. God bless and give you peace in His love!
We grieve for giving up our authentic self when we took on the role they required us to play, and we grieve for so many lost opportunities and for our dashed hopes about the relationship. I found it very empowering in recovery to be witnessed and validated by therapists and support groups. We lost ourselves with narcissistic partners and narcissistic parents, too. Hope this helps and I'm wishing the best for you.
@@tatenaibenbusi we grieve when we come to the realization that what we thought we saw in someone and the relationship we thought we had was all a facade. There is no change to come, there is no reciprocity, there is no relationship- it was our mind and heart being manipulated- partly because we allowed it with false hope and many times because we just didn’t know better. The person is stuck in an emotional state of a much younger age and we cannot change that- no matter how hard we try- we just can’t help that person. We are also limited in how we can help ourselves within the context of the environment. That’s difficult, specially when it’s someone you loved or love. We are grieving the end of the relationship as we saw it for years, decades and sometimes lifetimes. It’s a big loss.
8:23 "The best way to be in control is to cease trying to control the other person."
Love that, Dr. C!
"When people show you who they are, believe them the first time." -- Maya Angelou
This quote is my mantra for radical acceptance. 🙏
"I've been a victim, but that is not my permanent status" is a healthy way to acknowledge the cruelty and damage caused by the narcissist while resisting the urge the to fall into a lifelong victim identity like the narcissist lives each day. I don't want pity from anyone for the abuse I endured, but I sure appreciate empathy and compassion. I want to exist as a person of peace, not as a vengeful, hateful, self pitying forever victim.
At what time in the video is that said? If someone lost the use of their legs then that is their permanent status and they do need ramps and other accommodations in perpetuity. Maybe it's called disability rather than being a victim, but is it really much of a difference?
@@cairosilver2932 That's a good analogy. I liken the loss of my mother due to no-contact as having cut off my hand. I had to, because it was infected and I would have succumbed to gangrene if I hadn't cut it off. But that hand was no longer a part of me, either. I am still myself, but I am now forever changed. I'm learning to continue living life, still helping others, but not taking care of my gangrenous hand anymore. I can learn to do things one-handed. And people ask me, "Why did you cut off your hand? Why didn't you (do this) or why didn't you (do that)?" They will never understand if they haven't had a life-threatening situation that required such a drastic measure. And it's okay if they don't understand. They're lucky they do not have to understand.
To be bonded to THEM=Bondage.
Your voice WILL NOT be heard.
Boundaries=Strong language spoken in a calm, controlled manner.
Radical Acceptance=Knowing and ACCEPTING that THEY are today as they were yesterday and how they'll be tomorrow.
That all adds up to a great reason to...
Stay Healthy!!
I'm having to get a lawyer behind the abuse, harassment, attacks and physical pain along with threats due to this technology inside my head due to these toxic relatives. I have been heavily abused and gaslight and then abused for my response from their abuse and they're attempts to silence me about the abuse. I have been in so many hospitals mental and medical and ER behind these people. They have abused me to agree to have a bond a forced bond basically trauma bond.
9:22 "I'm declaring, that I refuse to allow a depraved person to become the primary driver for my personal stability." 😂 BAM! 🎉 There it is. Thank you Dr. C. ❤
Yep, that line hits home.
I wrote that one down in my journal. They most certainly want to control your destiny, don't let them!
Alanon taught me not to react. I listened and acknowledged that I heard the narcissist, then I took action. Choosing not to go along with him, and followed the common sense plan for me. I expected the rage to follow, which it did, but I continued on. Thanks for all the knowledge and info you bring to us Dr. C. The Narc is always going to be who they are, they have never let me down!
Same concept.
Practice. Practice. Practice. Listen. Learn. Apply what’s learned. And keep moving forward. (Also, go easy on yourself. DRC applies to one’s self just as much or more sometimes as it does others.) Light and love, Team Healthy! DrC, I hope your weather is much more pleasant than the winter storms we’ve been getting here in Southern IN! Your pkg is still on its way. Our mail service was shut down for an entire week and I was stuck in CA with my gal because of the fires. This is the kind of stress I can handle (aka normal stress minus the narcissist’s confusing chaos.) Have a great day!
So true. I mean, the "normal stress" vs the narcissistic tragedy in every aspect of everything. (either fake tragedies built on nothing or true tragedies they provoke because they can't see beyond their nose).
I like your creative job with books and papers. Congrats!
A great day to you!
Thanks, KellyJean. We are a mere 24 degrees. Cold, but no precipitation.
@@lishmahlishmahthank you for the kind words about my creative channel. I wish I had more time to be creative these days.
This is actually the key to my problems. I tried to keep the narcissist happy or tried to change them. And then resented how they didn’t act how I wanted them to. I can’t hold on to my sadness concerning them. I need to accept they treated me that way because that’s who they are. I can’t change them. They are gone and I can let go and accept what happened (and my new psychological limp) and move on
Always remember that you can't change another person and you don't need to. There is only one person you can change and that is yourself. By learning to accept yourself as you are, you will be more and more able to find inner peace. You cannot change what cannot be changed, but you can learn to change your inner attitude so that you will experience healing.
I've read lots of comments with the same content, "I wished I had known this much earlier in my life...I wished this would be educated at school..." Of course, it would have been much easier and I understand the grief and the sadness. But it's never too late to change and be aware that you probably learnt much more lessons in life than "normal" people will ever do. Nothing is lost - for the greatest "reward" lies within you.
TOTALLY!!
I vacillate. 4 decades with a CN pure hell. Stuck . Silent treatment is in effect again so far it’s been 3wks .(a couple of decades ago it was almost 2 yrs ! )
I always appreciate hearing the harsh but true realities of disengageing from the narcisst such as "you may have to walk with a psychological limp..."
These realities help me move forward knowing what to expect. Thank you very much Dr. C.
This content is full of affirming statements. Truly, radical acceptance is the best way to heal coming from a narcissistic relationship.
Thank you. Appreciate it. ❤
Your birthright is to be entitled to all the thriving you have in you!
I learned that my nature is to help people. I would see someone that looked to me like a perfectly nice person that needed love and compassion. What I have learned is that those people are alone and unloved for a reason. (I’ve married two of them and still married to the 2nd) I am practicing radical acceptance and having zero expectations. I remind myself that when he complains about my attitude, my neglect of his needs etc. that he is free to leave anytime but he chooses to stay (and has for 22 years). I no longer feel any obligation to make his life better. I also am starting to understand that I am also free to leave. I am mentally preparing right now. Here’s to radical acceptance of what is while looking at what could be 🍾🥂
You are very very fortunate to have a narc low on the spectrum. The narcs I've had in my life would 'punish' me by emptying out accounts, having affairs, breaking my stuff, smearing my name, threatening my pets, etc. He is a complainer but nothing more. Be grateful.
Thank you. I really needed to hear and really take this in today.
Ive left, radical acceptance took a while but in my head i know its the right thing, i do not grieve my time with the narcissist, i do however struggle with the grieve of the “promised future” the time lost to that person… this too shall pass. I have to except that my ongoing divorce will not have a fair outcome, because the law is not geared to deal with Narcissists.
No contact or low contact with the gray rock method works best because you take back control as well as power, but never turn your back on a narcissist! It has a target 🎯 on it now & you’re in danger until they’re gone or dead.
Please get a lawyer and the law involved rather than live in fear of being targeted by the narcissistic. When you allow fear of being a target due to getting even for walking away you are being controlled. Expose evil to the law enforcement and get into court get these perpetrators locked up so you can live a fear free and control free life take your power back and seek justice rather than live in chains.
I moved around like a butterfly 🦋 in that relationship & he attempted to kill me. High achieving plus gentle folks are a Real Threat to Narcs ...keep it pushing" 💜💜💜
The psychological limp and me accepting it was going to be there was the thing that spurred me into a new phase of healing. Not as a victim, but acceptance of me and who I am today. I am flawed and compassionate and have discovered other things. Sometimes my limp gets in the way and it's frustrating. So now I try to make friends with it and others traits I reject. I believe radical acceptance is a process and it evbs and flows. That's because I am human. Thanks Dr. C!
Thank you Dr Carter. This is just what I needed to hear today. Radical acceptance. I am learning that I can’t change him nor can I make him happy. It doesn’t do any good to bring up anything with him. He only gets angry and lashes out with things that don’t even pertain to the subject at hand. I always regret having said anything. Gray rock and accepting it is best.
Thank you - this is so helpful. The best way to not be controlled is to stop trying to control. Basically let go. (I picture losing one’s skis and being dragged behind the boat) learn to accept things as they are, get rid of expectations/hope, release (forgive) and let go. Easier said than done but I so appreciate the guidance - something to work on.
And only do this AFTER you leave them. Extremely dangerous to let down your guard when you are still with them.
Thank you! I'm grateful to have come across this video at just the right moment. Loved the concept of a "psychological limp" ❤ unlike so much content one might come across on TH-cam, this author doesn't sugarcoat things and doesn't give false hopes
Thank you very much for sharing this video.
The narcissist in my life is my mom. I have been in therapy throughout my life, and I have found my authentic self and love myself. I was recently in therapy (again) for the past 2 years. I have not communicated with my mom since she moved into a retirement home in 2022. I'm happy. I love your channel ❤️. Blessings to you and everyone on this channel 🙏
I wish everyone the very best on their respective healing journey.
Thank you, Dr. Carter! One of the most helpful videos I've watched. I will watch it over and over...
Glad it was helpful!
Yes, so helpful, just what I needed to hear today.
I finally arrived at what you have described as radical acceptance in two back to back occurances. And yes, humanity and these two individuals all contain ugliness but also some beauty. I have freed myself from their destructive patterns and expectations. What you have referred to as a "psychological limp" was my pain and some sadness in letting them go and having been let go of. It is freeing to cut off and be cut off. I now validate myself and teach others how to do the same. I have reached what i refer to as the beginning level of self-empowerment. It feels freeing not to be held back by another's toxicity. I pray that my hopefulness of a better life sustains itself.
I'm noticing being assertive (in a constructive way) in taking me toward Option 5. Being tethered is costly. They are just not going to reciprocate on your journey of growth. 🌹
Loved the early statement regarding the "trauma bond"; i.e., that "the trauma they create gets inside you". Their antics are so successful at drawing your attention onto them (and keeping it there) that you forget about yourself. I wonder what percentage of people could actually avoid or get out of a narcissistic relationship without help.
Not if you’re born into it… then you marry one
@@caroleminke6116 That very thing happened to me and in both cases I got out with no help but it cost me dearly. In the first instance, I was ostracized from family and disinherited. And to get out of the marriage I had to leave my home, my pets, many belongings, as well as financial future because I was almost 60 and had no family. God helped, though I really don't know how I got through it because ex-husband tried to ruin me financially.
@@caroleminke6116 Hi, Carole. My background is the same. Born to a narcissist and married one also. When I started with this channel, I suspected my husband was a narcissist but I had no idea about my mom. I just thought she was a difficult person I could no longer tolerate. I like Dr. C's statement about the trauma bond because it directs my attention away from the internal workings of the narcissist and more toward my own inner workings, which I know have become a little rough.
I so enjoy - and appreciate - Dr. C's videos on radical acceptance. The concept is so liberating. Before reading Dr. C's book, "The Anger Trap," I didn't know that anger was linked to self preservation.
I needed to hear this today. Thank You Dr. Carter. You are so greatly appreciated!!!
Thank you for specific concepts with examples including: : radical acceptance. 10:21 respect free will.
Great advice. Accept realty, and move on to something better..............
I'm not sure about contempt. If I see a snake I might feel fear and that feeling is part of keeping away from it. The way the narcissist basically poisons all good things, I'm not sure if it's contempt or disdain that I feel, but it's part of keeping me away from it.
What a great way to start my day. Thanks Dr. C!!!!
Safely arrived in Asheville with the guys. Expecting to be busy when this premieres. Will catch up at some point, unsure when, though.
🙏💒🕊
Came back from todays task, trying to regain warmth while I watched “tape delay.” Chewing on this one. Will likely watch again when I get home.
I like radical acceptance. I tell others exactly what transpires. I absolutely do not keep the odd things secret. "For some reason she told me I could no longer talk to her. Interesting, but I guess I can do my work with no input from her." I carry on in peace, and she looks like *that* as a "leader". If they are so amazing they should have NO PROBLEM with me repeating what they said.
To this day I remember my old boss, an excellent psychiatrist, would give this puzzled look at what he viewed as misguided/not his thing (ie: his youngest in smart gear to ride a motorcycle, nothing crazy). The look I do now even if only in my head when I think of the ring leader narcissist. It's HELPFUL. It's accepting her misguided attempts to control me in a completely different department. And bonus? People like her HATE it that I'm at the radical acceptance point. ❤️
Wonderful advice from Dr. C. Leaving is complicated but possible and often unavoidable to go on living. I myself eventually understood that I could not fully appreciate all the good and beautiful things and people around me without disengaging from thoughts of narcissist adversary. Can't see the flowers for the weeds kind of thing. At a point too many weeds can get in our garden.
I reached radical acceptance quite some time ago. I can't break free and he's dead set on destroying me. I'm happy that others can get out and recover. That's just not in the cards for me because I guess I'm not as strong as other people.
Thank you so much, Dr. C!!❤ Your videos ALWAYS helped and helps me to understand my process of freeing me more and more from the narcs in my life! There is many of them both in private and work settings but then your wisdom and ongoing videoes are there ss a support in my life. I really admire your work and wisdom 🙏🙏❤️❤️❤️
Thank you so much Dr C, for your care and kindness to take us over the line and back into safely I’m just so grateful for.
These people can” t see how impossible they are so there will never be change. They are belligerent.
The great idea behind this is that you're not giving the narcissist what they want. They WANT you to get riled up. Don't give them what they want. This tactic will infuriate them so much they won't know what the hell to do! LOL
Thank you Dr Les your videos are always so helpful 💟💟💟🇬🇧
Yet another helpful video! Thank you so much. ❤
I'm looking forward to this one!
I'm glad that Dr.C fully explained and I listened carefully. So grateful 🙏 ❤
Another Great Video! Thanks Dr. Carter.
Thank you so very much Dr. C! I'm forced to live with a psychotic sadistic narc bf. I csn no longer tolerate but can't afford to move out! I exhausted all options for solutions for ways out, but sadly my only "family" are 2 evil marc siblings I'm done with for life and at 72, bo options to escape this monster's abuse. Thank you so much for your excellent videos. GOD bless you;
Accept that narcissism exists and that always has and will and you have no control over it except your thoughts and actions.
I find the serenity prayer is very useful .
Exit. You have 1 choice: life or death .. because the aftermath is extensive. It's the same as having lived through the worst .. because you have.
This is so empowering. Navigating toxic organizational power dynamics…
Kicking the narcissist in the groin? I hadn't thought of that one.
Thank you, Dr Carter! EXCELLENT!
what a great title for a video. Can't wait to watch this.
So helpful
Thank you.
Taking the high road, being morally better, gas lighting yourself. I understand what you are saying, I also understand you are preaching from a book perspective not a real life extensive loss perspective. Others set precedent, deal with them on their precedent.
I went into anaphylaxis on the job. The people that were by law suppose to help made a subtle joke of it while trying to twist it into something it wasn't. Should they ever be in a life threatening situation, they will receive the same, even unto death. Taking the high road is not my responsibility any longer. That mindset was what destroyed a huge part of my life, being too nice and the lie of "you reap what you sow".
Some of them need to be accepted from afar.
@@bw2442 Agreed.
NEVER accept their behaviour when you are still with them.
Why do some people take up a contrary position when they are not even being contradicted? I have noticed this hostile polarized interaction style is on the rise. Is it an Aspergers or bipolar issue? It is sad. It is as though they can only interact by putting people into contrary roles. It is like they would rather confuse things when there is no need to, just for attention. It feels like a manipulation or agitation addiction from the one trying to take offense at nothing. What is that about? It is weird. Why are some apt to imagine offenses where none are intended? I think it is a real sickness.
9:55 And I owe the NPD nothing. Not playing the role because they do not deserve the time and attention. Nor do I deserve to be forced to play the role of reflecting their contemp or disdain. No see saw brick throwing to mess up the balance. Keep your bricks. (To: the brick thrower)
This is a narcissistic tactic to pull you in , confuse you, and ultimately control you. There is no there, there, only the Boogie Man that they create (which is you, of course), and hope you will get involved with and engage with, what isn't real. If you engage with it, then they have a lot of power over you. It takes a truly depraved person to use these types of tactics, but I believe it is learned and people are putting it into practice, like a fad. 😔
Yes connecting with who I am has been a joyous journey...hi to Guss no Fuss..xx
Love you're videos... Thanks for sharing!
Glad you like them!
Thank you Sir
Timely video. ❤
Yes. Acceptance is such a great place because you know they are what they are and I can’t and don’t need to change them only change my perspective and mode of response and I’m free 😎
Jesus! What a journey its been!
Amen!! Peace coming from knowing who we are in Christ. He loves us and accepts His own.
Thank you Dr. C!🐕
Ooo I needed this bad.
These challenges came up at men's group today!
Very helpful.
Glad it was helpful!
Also, love Dr. C's expressive, readily accessible terms, such as "walking with a psychological limp." I remember Dr. C. invoking "psychological math" in another clip.
What about the enablers ? Or those you are no contact with?
Fred the comments, I'm with go team healthy, I'm trying
Just checking in... Always a positive message. Team Healthy, things are well here... love seeing Gus 💕 sleep peaceful buddy....
Thanks, Christy!
If we don't leave, it gets worse when they know. It has changed me in a way that I feel narcissistic 😢
Ironically, it was all that you said LOL. He has every single one of those traits. Oh, my gosh, I gotta run out of here. Yes, I said at the word run
No contact what so ever will work...the problem is however to have a kid with an evil and stupid narc monster...fully to accept such a situation and standing up takes time and needs knowledge about narcissism how to deal with the narc turmoil
Please listen to:
Bad Love
By:
Eric Clapton.
One of my favorites.
...can toxic narcissists trauma bond by becoming ill thereby exercise control over victims/targets😔many thanks Dr. C, Gus, Team Healthy🙏🌷🕊💝🤗
Love your channel!!!! How do we do this when it's your father? He is my foundation.
For me, a 12-step group helped, and then well-chosen therapy. He called my support people "losers." He had his good points and unhelpful attitudes, also. I hope this helps for a start. I wish you the best on your life journey.
radical acceptance could be radical rejection
Wish Dr. Dignity, Respect and Civilty were being inaugurated today...
I'd go nuts if I had to be in politics.
Well, how about advisory status. Nah, would still have to deal with too many "personalities."
@@SurvivingNarcissism
Edit..well, maybe politics/political climate of today. There was a degree of DRC and good sportsmanship in the 59's 60's,70's that has seemingly been all nut lost. Ok bye
I didn't really understand reacting to narcissists with grief, can someone explain?
Because we acknowledge our inability and influence to change Narc's into caring people, and in the process understand we will NEVER receive the love we hoped they would freely give us. I did grieve for a short time before I emotionally moved on filling my 'empty spaces' with the complete filling of God made possible by His Son Jesus. I am full of love from Him and it spills over onto to others much more now. God bless and give you peace in His love!
@@a.pepper6687Are you still with the Narc?
We grieve for giving up our authentic self when we took on the role they required us to play, and we grieve for so many lost opportunities and for our dashed hopes about the relationship. I found it very empowering in recovery to be witnessed and validated by therapists and support groups. We lost ourselves with narcissistic partners and narcissistic parents, too. Hope this helps and I'm wishing the best for you.
@@tatenaibenbusi we grieve when we come to the realization that what we thought we saw in someone and the relationship we thought we had was all a facade. There is no change to come, there is no reciprocity, there is no relationship- it was our mind and heart being manipulated- partly because we allowed it with false hope and many times because we just didn’t know better.
The person is stuck in an emotional state of a much younger age and we cannot change that- no matter how hard we try- we just can’t help that person. We are also limited in how we can help ourselves within the context of the environment. That’s difficult, specially when it’s someone you loved or love.
We are grieving the end of the relationship as we saw it for years, decades and sometimes lifetimes. It’s a big loss.
Very well said!@@Delacari
Imagine the narcissist became president of the US. 🤢
🙏
Nah….im good. 😊
❤😢