The HOW TO LOVE AN AVOIDANT MAN video course is now available! If you want to learn to build a fulfilling lifelong relationship with the man you love and help him understand and cherish you in return, pick up your copy right now and write a happy ending to your love story! adamlanesmith.com/how-to-love...
My experience with an avoidant is to just match their effort. Don't take it personally. Any fire without fuel will die. And if the relationship dies naturally without anger it causes the least amount of damage to both of you. Put your interests first and take care of yourself. Grow your other relationships and your hobbies. I'm currently saving to move, because I know my situationship is not going anywhere
I've realized I'm an avoidant attachment and working to accept the things I've done in relationships. These videos have helped, but they come with an insane amount of anxiety looking in the mirror. A lot of comments are hurtful to read but I understand the pain we've caused. Just know, we love you more than you know. We don't want to live life looking at everything through risk assessment. Our internal stress level is non stop.
I'm so proud of you for standing up and admitting you have a problem, THOSE are the people I RESPECT over those who won't even try to fix it or even admit it 🎊🥳🎉 Now what you can do since you admitted it, is open up to others and help them to not only understand you, but also your needs and how to handle you Normal people need this from you, and I'm going to tell you a few things because I KNEW one of these kinds of people when I was completely unfamiliar with this type of problem Stay with me on this one because I know what I'm talking about! Please keep taking steps forward to try and fix what's broken, and please don't date UNTIL your problem has been SUCCESSFULLY FIXED Oh yes, and if you have this problem and have access to all kinds of unsuspecting innocent people out there who are unfamiliar with your type of problem, please either hire staff or don't have a business until your problem is successfully fixed I knew one of these types of people in the limousine industry in I'm starting to wonder now just how many broken hearts this person left behind in their travels, and yes they own and run their own limo business The reason why we clicked right away is because we both like limos, and we got along real well, (BUT I DIDN'T KNOW this person had this problem) Please don't date, especially those who are unfamiliar with your type of problem because you can easily blindside them because there's a high chance they probably don't know the signs and will easily miss them, and I know what I'm talking about because I knew one and I've been through it I'm NOT one, but I KNEW one I don't normally deal with this type of person, so I was COMPLETELY UNFAMILIAR with this type of problem, which means I DIDN'T KNOW the signs either so I MISSED them and was BLINDSIDED It's one thing when one of these kinds of people just tries to be cautious and wants to take things slow if THEY initiate romance with a NORMAL person, THAT'S FINE The real problem is when one of these people keeps this kind of problem completely hidden by using their work as a cover, and again I KNOW what I'm talking about because I've SEEN it WITHOUT KNOWING WHAT I was seeing PLEASE DON'T DATE UNTIL your problem is FIXED Oh yes, and for the OTHER PERSON'S SAKE, PLEASE DON'T MARRY them, AND PLEASE DON'T BREED, (we DON'T need MORE of THESE kinds of people in the world)
What a beautiful comment ❤ Thank you We all want to love and be loved and find peace Anxious people also have a lot of anxiety. Basically fear that we will be abandoned again. But with patience, understanding and love we will heal ourselves and build beautiful relationships with trust and support
I'm a fluffy unicorn in love with an avoidant Viking. I have connected with him logically. He sees me as less of a threat and more of an alli. He tells me about things that are bothering him and problems he's trying to solve. He took me fishing. I found him a bobber. 😊 This makes me feel needed and appreciated. My anxiety is fading. His love, and ability to express it is slowly and awkwardly opening up like a hesitant flower I feel is going to burst open any minute. It's messy and imperfect but measurable progress that fills me with hope. In the meantime, my relationships with everyone else are improving too. I'm better at checking in with my friends and children. Building bonds. Thank you Adam. 🙏
Pin this comment quick, and send a detachment to protect her before the wolves attack! This was my experience from the Avoidant's perspective as well, she had a beautiful mind and I could rely on her like no other before or since, and I blossomed under her patient collaboration. Congratulations to you both, and thanks for your story.
@@don-eb3fj you made me smile from the inside out. I'm so grateful for your reinforcement that I'm on the right track. I can see the changes. So can he. Even now, he's texting me about his worries. I got him laughing by hearing him out and suggesting silly but plausible solutions. Please tell me more about your story. 💕
I think we can all take what we have that's already good, and make it even better I think we can all take what we have that's already good, and make it BETTER We can't fix others, but we can work on OURSELVES
Anxious people attract avoidant people and trigger their avoidance even more. Goes both ways, obviously, so it's personal responsibility to work on ourselves and learn about the other person.
Totally agree problem is anxious are open to working through and getting help. Avoidants will tell you what you want to hear and shut down more. Just leave them it’s not worth the hassle
@@TheGalilee416 ….yep, those avoidant types are extremely skilled at avoiding accountability, avoiding personal responsibility and avoiding facing up to themselves in any way whatsoever. They seldom ‘do the work’, they just want everyone else to do it then they’ll be just fine.
Nice video! I just can't believe my wife left me after 18 years. she doesn't even want to talk to me anymore. I've tried everything possible to get her back, but nothing seems to work and I can’t stop thinking about her. I'm frustrated I don't see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t. I really miss him and just cant stop thinking about her!
I'm really sorry to hear that. I went through something similar not too long ago. My wife and I broke up and I felt completely lost. I tried everything, but it just seemed hopeless. Well I ended up reaching out to this incredible spiritual adviser. She helped me in ways I never thought possible. After working with her, my husband came back.
Thank you so much! I just searched her name, and I found her, the reviews look amazing, and I'm feeling hopeful now. I really believe I can get him back.
Ditto… only ten years later after trying for 17 years I realized he could give me what I needed 5% of the time and the rest of the time I starved, living on crumbs just about destroyed me.
Mine says that too. I’m like 😮but you do! But he comes up with excuses all the time. Why are they trying to protect themselves so much? They can’t be vulnerable?
Crazymaking love. The guy is so cryptic, so obtuse, so out of reach and absent. Then he tosses me a crumb, tells me he loves me, and I can't leave. It's helpful to understand this kind of personality and realize that it's nothing like mine.
If you are a young woman who wants to have a family, please be aware of timing and how trying to heal a relationship when the other is unable/unwilling to engage in healing may rob you of that option. Losing your early to mid twenties to a relationship where the other person is unwilling to work on it can cost you the opportunity to have a family. I wish I had known that. and had not spent so much time trying to fix the unfixable. We think we have until 40 to have kids, so many of us stay and try to work it out with our partner who is not showing any real signs of wanting to change or making any real progress. There is hope for some, but please be honest with what you are seeing and, if you are childless now but want to have kids, be very aware of how the time you are spending is precious and could impact that option.
I agree, great point! I wasted many years on avoidance men. One married me when I was 42, then left a few days later. He came back twice for a few weeks, then I told him not to come back if he didn't want a real marriage. I didn't see him for a year. Every few months he'd just send me a card saying he missed me. I didn't respond because he made no attempt to actually talk, it was like just wanted to keep me in place in case he changed his mind. I filed for divorce, then found out I was pregnant. I raised my son on my own, which was difficult. When my son turned 14, he changed and became angry and abusive. I tried to enlist the help of my ex, and he wanted nothing to do with him. I feel sorry for him because he's still alone at 67 years old, but I also can't stand him for being so selfish that he refuses to be a part of my son's life, when my son desperately needs him. He's actually, unfortunately, a lot like his father. I understand being hurt and damaged, and that is sad. But, that level of selfishness is hard to understand, and when I think of how he hurt my son, it just seems unexcusable.
@@JaneDoe-qi2gq I am so very sorry you went through all of that! Sounds torturous. And you bring up another good point: having biological kids with someone who is so challenging means their DNA is part of the package and there is a high risk you will be raising mini versions due to nature (as in your case) or nature + nurture if you stay with their father. It perpetuates the difficulties.
If you are ok with being childless, then avoidant men are okay to have as romantic partners, but for women who want children, there is the risk of loss of childbearing and a flight risk. An avoidant man will have to do a lot of mitigate those two risks. In business, we usually have these flight risk guys pay a lot upfront to mitigate them being a flight risk. If he wants to get married, he needs to pay for the wedding. It should be his money on the line rather than yours. Otherwise, he is likely to stand up at the wedding or leave right afterwards and waste all that you invested. I know you may want to get married to him badly, but you need to think long term about risks such as divorce and child support. If he is avoidant, divorce and becoming a single mom are real high risks. You also need to take into account that you will be on your own when sick or if you get cancer. If you need much higher standards with an avoidant.
I am sick of his come and go, sabotage and taking me for granted, so walked away. I am worth of being loved and devoted to. Very sick of reading his mind and him being closed off. I am heartbroken but enough is enough. I offered all my support and care.
@@bulletron3000absolutely not. A bate minimum adult wouldn't put in effort to try to make a relationship work with an avoidant. She's probably exhausted
This avoidant guy that I was dealing with is so dysfunctional and self-centred that you can’t reason with him. We were texting, in the middle of a conversation, then he disappears, leaving me hanging. Next day I find out that his battery was low and it died. I asked him “why didn’t you inform the me when your battery is low so I know that you will disappear anytime.” His response was “somethings you don’t have to share” and that I am “controlling.” This guy is emotionally stunted and a pain to deal with, so I blocked him.
I clearly understand where you're coming from on this one, when people leave you hanging in the dark, it's RUDE and INCONSIDERATE of THEM I HOPE SOMEONE temporarily Baker Acts him, THESE kinds of people NEED it! I see where you're coming from on informing the person you're talking with about a dying battery that needs charged, but that's what nearby chords are for, especially if you happen to have a LONG one! If you get one that's universal to your phone or tablet that can also quick charge other devices that take the same connection, THAT helps a LOT When me and a friend are texting, I'm always informed if that person's battery is getting low and they may need to charge Sometimes they've managed to make it work and talk while charging, so this is very possible if you have the right cord of the right length with the RIGHT set up in the area where you're going to be talking Anyway, I hope someone Baker Acts this person you're talking about, they need to be locked up and put away from the rest of us because most likely they may also have a CRIMINAL PAST In my particular case, I found out there was a CONNECTION between the two, (meaning the criminal past and the avoidant behavior), but I DIDN'T KNOW UNTIL AFTERWARDS I think those with business license is who own and run their own business need to be thoroughly screened for certain types of personality problems Avoidant Behavior ISN'T really a mental disorder or personality at all, it's a CHOICE I bet you that if you pulled a background check on the person, you may be shocked at what you find because there's a chance they're probably hiding something in their past that they're not proud of, and I know what I'm talking about because this is what I found out The only reason why I gave them a chance is because they were single, and they turned their life around from the time they had run-ins with the law When I met this person I was just renting the limousine Comma so I wanted to go for a holiday ride before christmas and WASN'T looking for a date AT ALL We became FRIENDS BEFORE THEY initiated wanting MORE than friends We really got along well and we liked each other, so I at very least gave that person a chance since they seemed honest, which they were except I didn't know they were hiding something Yes, they said they were "bad", but I don't recall the story The person was straight with me, although they might not have said that they had a criminal past It wasn't until I looked into their background quietly that I discovered that yes, there's some misdemeanors and even an arrest, but it was in the far enough past that I gave them a chance because that person turned their life around for the BETTER It was a long distance relationship, so we only saw each other no more than about four times a year for a few hours I didn't have the money to move, and couldn't really afford a car, so I had to save for a while for anything I wanted to do I've had vehicles before, and it's more expensive to keep and maintain one than it is to just rent something for a day It wasn't until I had some prophetic dreams where I was riding in limousines, these were PERSISTENT I also told someone that if God wants me to marry that he's going to have to bring mine in a limousine, they're going to have to be able to drive it very well, and preferably they should also own and run their own limousine business.... AND GUESS WHAT HAPPENED! All of what I said happened, but the sad part is they decided to leave, the very person God either sent or allowed to cross my path turned out in the end to be and avoidant I wasn't cut out to know how to deal with Let me tell you from experience though that I could tell when they were about to text me, or if they read my text and how they were feeling Usually the feeling I got was good and I only got Not so good feeling when they were Coming with a limousine, only for me to find out they had to get a tire changed on the way HERE and they had to make a call BEFORE we left in the limo I respected that and gave the person the space they needed for the few moments they needed, and I was willing to wait as long as it took, since they were an HONEST business person However, when you have a personal problem you're hiding from others that your romancing, THAT right THERE is DISHONEST When people ghost you and leave you hanging in the dark Comma There Comes a time when you Must sometimes start working on a goodbye message Comma but keep it polite and professional Kama saying everything you need to say in as few words as possible And in a manner that's going to be received In my case, we're BOTH Limousine FANS Comma so fans are supposed to look out for each other, respect each other, AND handle each other in a MORAL and PROFESSIONAL manner If there comes a time you must say goodbye, choose your words CAREFULLY, ESPECIALLY If you've hired them in the past and they know OTHERS in the industry You don't want to burn future Bridges, so be careful if you ever know a business person because you don't want to be black balled later When saying goodbye to someone with whom you did business Comma or it's an open-ended goodbye depending on the situation, you always want to handle it with a HIGH level of PROFESSIONALISM, because a little bit, goes a LONG way
I really like you and respect you. I realize there are risks, but I think that if you and I work together, we can manage the risks. And then we can work to build something together and have a deeper connection that is more fulfilling for both of us.
Tried this and guess what it's been an 11 year shit show, 🙃 he will never love me, and I'm excepting that and have given up, I don't and can't keep up with his insanity, I finally told him do what ever you want I don't give a shit anymore, it's his problem not mine
Finally understood the personality disorder of my husband of 28 years. He has his own priorities, his own timeline to start or finish something and his own cocoon to hide into instead of answering questions or giving an explanation for his avoidant behavior. Whenever I want to take things in my own hands, he feels extremely pressured and intimidated. So basically it is a dysfunctional household and I am still here for the sake of my kids. Divorce is not easy. I was such a vibrant and ambitious woman and now I am just a detoriated version of my old self. I would advise not to waste your time with these people. He doesn’t share any information, is emotionally abusive but loving at the same time. Not compromising. Save your brain from being fried. I am on anti anxiety and antidepressants for the last 20 years to cope with his abnormal attitude. Thanks that finally it has a name. Life is too short to work on their screwed up brains.
What a load of horseshit. The idea that he somehow abusive and loving at the same time, in the case that you either lying, or your mentally unstable from the jump. The reason that you feel sad or depressed, is because you realize that you are unable to manipulate your partner. The fact that he has his priorities or Hobbies other than you, makes you recognize that you aren't able to force him to do what you want. Stop attempting to blame him for your feelings or reactions. You used to be vibrant because you thought that you could get away with controlling and manipulating him. But since it didn't work you feel " depressed".
@@panama2468clearly she is a codependent and probably has CPTSD. That said, she’s right about avoidants bc they become loving when they want sex or a favor. It’s all on their timeline tho. They are manipulative AF and hide their true selves. They are all about getting their dopamine hits with their obsessive bad habits. They use people to get what they want, transactional at best. She must heal her people pleasing ways for sure a and take accountability for staying. I definitely think avoidants should be alone if they refuse to grow as humans. Very selfish and childish 💯 They are usually Covert narcissists or Anti-social sociopaths! Go get some help BEFORE hurting others. Stay single and continue to have booty calls if you can’t be a true partner in a marriage.
I'm a self aware avoidant with a non self aware avoidant and your video about avoidant women, and another one about intimacy with an avoidant allowed me to have the best sex of my life. I was hesitant about you at fisrt, but your videos and advice get results. I have learned more from your videos than all other love and dating coaches combined. Your courses are the only ones I would consider paying for.
@@01jvb The two videos are- 1- How to make an avoidant man bond to you in the bedroom 2.- How to love an avoidant woman The video you are looking for would be the first one. Being that I am avoidant and also with an avoidant, both of the above videos helped me immensely. I hope that helps you.
Fluffy unicorn here....I didn't understand when we first got together that he just wasn't use to the kind of love and intimacy required for a strong, committed, lasting relationship. When he would push me away, I'd cry and that would illicit sympathy from him....he'd be hugging me while I cried, not realizing his pushing me away was what caused the tears in the first place. The more I've been able to get better at communication, the more he has started to get on board, and I think we're slowly starting to build something we will both cherish in time to come. So glad there are people like you out there willing to share their knowledge with those of us who are in the dark. It can be so hurtful and confusing when your partner tells you that your intensity and your wanting to talk through problems makes them uncomfortable, and that they would prefer to just keep everything lighthearted, when there are so many other clues telling you that's bs, lol. He and I have both been very badly wounded by past relationships where love was betrayed and abuse occured, so I do get where he is coming from. It's a long slow process, but one that seems to be worth it.
I’m impressed that he was kind to you when you cried because he pushed you away, my ex was disgusted and horrified by my tears and told me tears were a sign of weakness and told me he wasn’t putting up with it and either asked me to leave or he left. I was devastated. When our counsellor told him tears were a sign of vulnerability and strength and that I only cried when I felt safe you could just feel the contempt for both of us dripping off him. He may have been narcissistic too. Hard to know where the line goes.
@KB-ih5gf he's done something similar to me in the past. I've managed to break through a little. He actually asked me how I am the other day. I was overjoyed. Feels like another step in the right direction.
@AttachmentAdam what if we are 8 years on and off? She saved my life, and now I'm anxious attached and she's avoidant bc I failed emotional investment and volatility tests. Now I'm being told "no contact" is the only way to not make her feel smothered. But your advise sounds different.
@@CorbinB-Rax I'm obviously not the expert here, but I am a woman, and if she's stuck around for 8 years with you, especially on and off... she clearly cares about you! If I were you, I would try being VERY open and honest with her, and asking her what she needs... if she won't tell you, keep asking... I often don't let anyone into how I feel about anything, and if they don't really really really try, I don't think they care, so I don't open up. I wish you luck
thanks for your final words about the demonization of avoidants. still shocked at the way people talk in comments of these kinds of videos. they cannot see past their own hurt and have compassion for a subset of people who really were traumatised/neglected in childhood, learned to cope the only way they could and are now missing out on (allegedly...) the most profound and fulfilling human experience that others are blessed to take for granted. and i suppose it is extremely painful to take that point of view, that maybe things actually could have been different if you came into that relationship with some of this knowledge - no, it's easier to think of that troublesome ex as a villain, unfixable, unloveable, malicious, and to have that reaffirmed over and over by strangers on the internet must be very soothing. although you are affirming my deepest darkest fears and anxieties about myself as an avoidant ;) but that's my business not yours hahaha.
The avoidant that I know makes me feel so loved and appreciated when we are in the bedroom and he recognizes my care for him but outside the bedroom, the avoidant side of him appears.
For avoidants, it can sometimes be easier to connect physically because it feels safer than emotional vulnerability in everyday life. But once the intimacy is over, the fear of closeness and emotional overwhelm kicks back in, leading to that distance you’re noticing. Have you been able to talk to him about this pattern outside of those intimate moments?
Anxious attachments' whole thing is to get lost in the emotion, buzz with the feelings. To have to get so technical so the the avoidant understands is a real passion killer
Yeah, my avoidant really liked me when I was numb and void of feeling. When I was in that state, being with him was just not enjoyable and sort of annoying. I thought do I need to live the life of a cold dead fish to get him to stay with me? It made it easier for me to leave and give him the space that he always wanted.
@@kaitlin8669 Sounds like it varies a lot. I'm avoidant but I think I'm anxious too, I tend to avoid people in general but the thought of a woman just touching my arm and looking in my eyes makes my heart melt. I haven't felt intimacy or affection non-platonically since I was just out of high school almost a decade ago. I get dreams sometimes, where a woman wholesomely expresses love and affection to me, like a guardian angel. Those dreams keep me going and make me feel like I'm not alone. I can say with certainty that if I finally find someone who has a big heart and is as empathetic as I am, I'd be opening up enough to lightly overwhelm myself but I'd probably lose myself in that joy and affection. It saddens me that some avoidant people are so far gone that they couldn't relate to what I'm saying though. I used to be kind of like that, I'd even straight up reject compliments because deep down I truly believed I would and could never deserve such kind treatment. I hated myself. But my found-family (close friends who healed me where my blood family failed miserably) basically saved me from a dark fate, and now I know what open honesty and positive vulnerability feel like. Ugh, just thinking about being held or touched on the arm or shoulder, or any number of "basic" acts of affection make my heart melt. One day, I have hope... I just don't want to be used as an emotional piñata, like a doormat, or cheated on again, so I've been super hesitant to put myself out there ever since those things happened. But I've been working on it for 10 years and have been seeing really good progress. It makes me subtly excited. Don't know why I shared so much here haha. My friends have been so busy that they barely ever reply back to anything I send until weeks later, so I guess it's because I've been feeling isolated and feel relief sharing this stuff with strangers. Haha. What a life.
@@kaitlin8669sounds like you're both better off but you're still so bitter? Sounds like you wasted your own time too, own up to that and ask yourself why you tolerate that behavior.
I've learned avoidants typically let their guard down when they stop caring what others think. When they stop taking everything personal and realize most people in their lives are just passing through, they tend to tell it how it is and become less secretive about their emotional state.
I got better with women once I stopped caring about what women thought about me. I never thought about what people thought about me unless I was physically attracted and then I would get in my head about it.
Remember though, unsuspecting people won't know this That's because those who have something to hide will have something in there background that they may not be proud of I found this out when I did a quiet background check on someone I care about when they wanted more than just friends, they initiated wanting romance When I did a background check I wanted to make sure they weren't married, they came back clean in that area What I did find out though is they had some misdemeanors and an arrest in their PAST Since the past DIDN'T reflect the current, I gave them a chance What I didn't know until after the fact when I started looking for answers After the dump Is that Avoidant Behavior Is connected to hiding something as I found out When KIDS have something to hide, I can see THEM acting avoidant, but NOT an ADULT At least you wouldn't think adults would act like that, but I found out there's definitely a connection that when they act avoidant, they're HIDING something, so THEY DID something WRONG! Weather or not it got reported doesn't matter, they have something to HIDE, or they WOULDN'T be acting THAT way If you know someone with avoidant behavior problems, CHECK their BACKGROUND QUIETLY, and see what YOU find and you'll SEE what I mean If you check these people's backgrounds, you may be shocked at what you find because I'll bet you more times than not they have at least one misdemeanor in their PAST EVEN IF you find nothing, there's STILL LIKELY SOMETHING going on that NEVER got REPORTED If a person is displaying avoidant Behavior, it means they have something to hide because they're LIKELY doing something no one knows about, (and it could be ANYTHING) If you want to know what they're hiding, check their background and go from THERE You could also check their social media, but that doesn't always tell the real truth
I feel like you to only person offering hope for people who are in a relationship with an avoidant partner. Everyone else I’ve heard is telling people to be prepared to cut & run. There’s so much more good in my guy, than bad. I appreciate your approach to this kind of relationship and the optimism you give me.
Omg thank you for actually knowing about neurotransmitters, high performance as an adult, CPTSD and bonding. I've learned so much about this but you've been very clear. It's been so hard to try to learn about love as a nearly middle aged woman who has done everything on my own. People ask me why I'm single and I don't even know how to begin to explain. It's always dysfunction junction. It's so much easier and less dangerous to be alone!
What I learned is that THESE people DON'T FEEL, or they wouldn't be leaving a line of broken hearts along the way Another thing I learned is the connection between avoidant behavior, and criminal history Because the run-ins with the law were far enough in the past that they turned their life around for the BETTER, I gave them a CHANCE to be FAIR with them since they showed interest in MORE than just FRIENDS At the time I met them, It was the same kind of person I said that if God wanted me to marry, they'd have to Come in a limousine, be able to drive it very well, and own and run their own limousine business, and guess what came! Right at a time I WASN'T EVEN LOOKING is when this person came along, (and we hit it off right away!) I'm just sad that a fellow Limousine Fan has a problem with avoidant behavior, and I HOPE they're NOT ALSO a NARCISSIST, (NO ONE needs it) When someone wants to date you and you agree, do a background check early on as early as possible to MAKE SURE they're NOT married, START THERE While you're doing the background check quietly Make sure they DON'T have a CURRENT criminal record If the person has something in their past, then handle it accordingly Let's say it's something like misdemeanors and maybe even an arrest, if it's not current, then by all means feel free to consider giving them a chance if you choose to If you're NOT familiar with avoidant behavior, you WON'T KNOW the signs and CAN be EASILY BLINDSIDED WHEN you MISS them You may not even know anything was even wrong until AFTER the relationship ends, and you're looking for answers based on YOUR situation This is how I discovered the person I've known for 4 years has avoidant traits along with a criminal PAST Because at the time I was completely clueless and unfamiliar with avoidant behavior, I DIDN'T KNOW the signs, so I MISSED them and was BLINDSIDED, it HAPPENS Since the person left, I've learned a LOT, and I just sought answers on why people "ghost" others I DON'T date often, it's EXTREMELY RARE I even find a MUTUAL AND ATTRACTIVE connection Before getting involved with anyone, quietly do a background check and see WHO you're dealing with, THEN watch their behavior if they qualify for a CHANCE Listen to what they say, ESPECIALLY IF they ever open up You never know what they say or do MIGHT be MORE than just a "passing ship in the night" because it MIGHT NOT be so random as you THINK Yes, sometimes people can say and do stuff if they're having a bad moment, THAT ALSO HAPPENS There are times the person I knew had a bad moment, and I stayed calm and gave them space What I didn't know and I may never know if SOME of those bad moments MIGHT ACTUALLY have been MORE than just RANDOM 🤷🏼🤷♂️🤷♀️🤷 Sometimes though if someone happens to be in the limousine business, you might have some bad moments, and I'm speaking as an OBSERVANT Limousine Fan here I'll be the first to admit I missed the signs of avoidant behavior because I DON'T NORMALLY deal with avoidants, they're NOT NORMALLY part of MY circle Since I was completely clueless and unfamiliar with avoidants, I didn't know the signs, missed them and got BLINDSIDED by the AVOIDANT person This kind of stuff happens if You're just not familiar with this type of person, so it's NOT a personality at all, NOT a mental disorder, but a CHOICE THEY made You can't fix it, ONLY THEY can Since the person left, I had a dream at some point that we saw each other out in public, and RECONNECTED around Halloween I don't know what the event is they were wanting to take me to, I guess some kind of party, (but I don't do Halloween) I'd only be willing to go with them to the event though because I'd be going with THEM, since we got along so well previously Speaking as a Limousine Fan, IF this REALLY DOES happen, (I HOPE we go in the Limousine) If you ever become part of the Limousine World though, LEARN to SPEAK Limousine, AND LEARN Limousine Etiquette
i feel a little exposed here. i say that phrase" nobody is coming to save you" all the time. im definitely the guy you're describing. so hypothetically, this explains why i am attracted to hippy free spirit women. even though we have very little in common/ not compatible with is because they relax me. 🤔
This video is great, and very on point for me. The comment section is pretty brutal though. Apparently I've been right all these years that nobody would ever care enough to put up with me.
I would agree, an avoidant’s main priority is to avoid a relationship. Trying to get one with a person who says they don’t want one is disrespect. Now if the avoidant is trying to work to a secured attachment style. That’s a different story.
True! I'm an information junkie and watch educational content (Like this) on double speed. I consider that a good dopamine binge. On the other hand, I have too strong an addiction to packaged desserts, and that's a dopamine binge I'm working on overcoming 😅
This is so scary accurate with my ex. He feels like he has to do everything alone, and couldn't be a team player in the relationship (despite being together for over 2 years). Regardless, he said he could feel at peace with me, and felt calm for once. No matter how much I reassured him, he ended up self-sabotaging the relationship by seeking external validation, and ultimately cheated.
would love to hear more about how these avoidants can be "the most loving, nurturing and attentive ppl". It's hard to imagine right now and I need the motivation to not break up with him right now.
When avoidants feel safe, secure, nurtured, and understood they outpour the love and intimacy that has been held back by their fear and mistrust of others. If you'd love to learn how to help your partner feel that way and become more secure, feel free to reach out to me at support@adamlanesmith.com. I'd be happy to share more insights!
Love is a mutual bond and choosing to put that person’s well being ahead of you in some ways but it is also receiving the same kind of care you need in return. One person giving everything will make that persons body and mental as well as emotional health suffer from loving someone who has stated that aren’t capable of loving you like you deserve. Accept that answer and let it go. Otherwise you’ll only think you had anxiety before meeting them because you’ll live in anxiety and constantly walk on egg shells trying to make that person like you and appreciate you. Stop that. That’s abuse. It’s each persons individual responsibility to do the work to help their self and as an empath, you can’t heal or save anyone unwilling to do the work for theirselves. If they aren’t participating in the relationship, do yourself and future children a huge favor and leave now. Otherwise you’re starting a generational curse of children never feeling like they are good enough to be loved and they will not be happy and will be anxious and people pleasers or recluses who have problems with relationships their whole life. Don’t think about what’s in it for you and pretend to be some great martyr for allowing someone to abuse you. You will lose every friend and family member as well. It is hurtful to watch someone you love allow others to treat them less than they are.
Gosh, it’s so draining just to listen to this such powerful words, but it seems like I’m doomed in my relationship.. he is DA and makes sense. He doesn’t know how to take care of anybody and I feel like I’ll never be taken care of as a woman, but I get so many mixed signals where I need to be a mother to him and he expects it for me to initiate everything with him, but only certain times. Texting is horrible 34 hour delay when I ask him if he wants to hang out and I get so sad because he feels like it’s OK to text hours later when we were supposed to meet up to insert a couple of white lies because he would rather play video games and no, it’s not right…. Very draining! As he pours his love to his son that disrespects him and I’ve been with him for five years and just standing around waiting for that cup of love! So crazy Thank you so much h for the insight!!😮❤
Ive been watching these videos because of a friend. I realized its not healthy for me to date an avoidant... so instead ive kept the boundary of friendship. My friend has had the worst childhood neglect. I truly believe he is doing the best he can. Some people in my life loved me even when i was behaving avoidantly (im FA) because of their immense empathy. They have helped me heal. It was a huge sacrifice for them. And now i want to do the same for someone else even though its not easy. I'm being a safe non judgemental space for my friend while honoring my own needs.
Holy heck - so many incredible insights, science, compassion, analogies (lone wolf) and incredibly useful information. You have a rare combo of brilliance and truly impactful advice. Thank you!
It’s just frustrating! It’s up to me then, to help my avoidant husband and I am at a point, 21 years later, where I’m burned out, tired of helping and assisting.
I am a fearful leaning avoidant in love with a dismissive leaning avoidant and your content, Adam, has helped me to understand our dynamic SO much. I can not express enough gratitude and thanks. Even though my partner and I are no longer together, the clarity of what happened and why it went wrong has been very healing. And if him and I ever end up back together, I will know how to approach it in a more sustainable way. Thank you ❤
I'm on the opposite side. Da leaning in love with FA. We're also apart and all that was so cloudy for me makes great sense now. If only I had known that before. I hope you're doing well xx
@@sunbeam9222hey there, haha I'm an FA who unhealthy loved a DA 😂. We had a trauma bond. I'm doing shadow work and reading a lot about attachment styles. I'm on my way to unlearn all those behaviors I gathered from childhood and become secure. You shouldn't take your avoidant ex back unless he is willing to heal his wounds himself. I hope you find a secure partner for yourselves, best of success 🙌
Exactly..im 23 years deep,mortgage,kids,pets the whole nine..she just left for the 4th time..every 5-7 years she sabotages the relationship or finds any excuse to leave again. I can't take it anymore
@WATCHMEGOBROKE How are you 23 if they've left even twice? Sorry for your experience. I ended a 10year relationship with my ex because of the on and off in our relationship . The entire time I felt skeptical towards him and his intentions. 2years after the breakup, he's moved on and I have done extensive work on myself. Im just not sure I'm cut out for relationships.
@@Inprogress_of_newbeginings now she is trying to squirm her way back in..she's love bombing and she's hot and cold..i can tell she is confused and she knows that I know she is confused. When she gets cold I pull back then she pursues..when she catches herself being too close she back offs and turns cold. Avoidants have the mental maturity of a 5 year old
Im married to an avoidant and was watching so many videos to save my relationship. Im so glad I found your channel yesterday. It’s straight forward and simple to understand. Even for a non English speaker like me. Please do a video on cheating and having casual sex. What makes them do that? Why he avoid sex with the spouse and go for casual relationships?
I'm so glad you're here too, and thank you so much for your wonderful feedback. Dopamine-seeking behavior, such as cheating, is unfortunately something that avoidantly attached people tend to do. I encourage you to continue watching this video series or playlist. Feel free to reach out if you have any other questions or need support.
@@AttachmentAdam I just found your channel. Hoping it will help me. I was engaged to an avoidant attachment. We were engaged to be married this past July. We were fighting, and he cancelled the wedding. So devastating. Couples fight . There was no physical abuse or infidelity. He finally got into therapy. His therapist suggested getting all of my stuff out of his house and acting as if we are in two separate worlds to see how much he will miss me. Sad all this separatism when all I want to do is love him.. I am exhausted. I have loved him for 16 years.
Wow …. All sounds too much work ! And it still relies on them willing to participate! I just had to let mine go and wish him well . Time is precious and we cant get it back …. Too precious to waste on people who cant give back . They need professional help !
So true! And I hope young women see what you wrote and realize that they may not have as much time in their reproductive years as they think. Wasting time trying to fix a relationship with an avoidant who is not interested in working on healing may cost you the opportunity to have a family. It did me and I regret that very much.
Giving someone time you can never get back is so much more important for women who have fertility pressures and the whole aging dilemma. I had kids thankgoodness but have met a bunch of messed up people in the dating pool since getting divorced at 37yrs. And feel my last yrs of youthfulness wasted..
@@coachcastle666 Yes, exactly. If you know you do NOT want children but you do want a serious long-term relationship/marriage in the near future, then spending time dating a single parent would be wasting your precious time to find a partner who matches your need and lifestyle/family make up desires.
I’m so glad it resonated with you and that you applied it successfully. Your effort and openness to learning made that magic happen! Keep going, and celebrate the progress you’re making.
This information needs to be talked about more. I am an avoidant style man and my last relationship fell apart because I was very upfront and honest in asking if there were things I need to improve or to give me feedback on aspects of myself so I could make an effort to do better. Sadly my partner did not understand this thinking and stated that I was asking for her to "police" my habits. I thought something was wrong with me and I had done or said something wrong towards her but after understanding my personality more it was just as simple as our compatibility not being as smooth as we thought.
Thank you for sharing your experience. It's commendable that you were proactive in seeking feedback and wanting to improve. What insights have you gained about yourself and what qualities are you looking for in future relationships to ensure better compatibility?
I love this. You just proved 90% of the comment section wrong. They keep whining about DAs, who aren't even trying and won't do anything constructive to meet their partners halfway, but in your case you seriously tried to improve for your partner and openly asked for advice what to do... and that wasn't to their liking either 🤣🤣🤣 You can't please these people. I've tried. I also have narcs and borderliners in the family, so those are the monsters, that I constantly attract. I figured it would be smarter to give up on relationships (for me; not giving you advice here). I just kept running into narcs, whether I went with their love bombing or actively tried to avoid it by only dating people, who were calm, collected and not overly invested. It turns out that narcs just adapt and play it cool, when love bombing doesn't work 🙄
You’ve helped me understand my avoidant ex so well. So much compassion to him even though I need to distance myself in no contact right now to heal. He gaslit me and was so defensive thought everything was an attack, couldn’t handle any emotion or work together as a team. He used to refer to himself as a “sea anemone” when it got “poked” it would close off and would take a while to open back up. I see a lot of people say don’t waste your time with an avoidant. And maybe I can’t handle being with one… I love him and his kids so much but it is exhausting. We’ve been reconnecting over text and have had to communicate due to a financial immeshment we’re untangling. But your videos have helped me communicate with him and he’s being flirty and bringing up some of his feelings and nostalgic moments and memories. I’m staying very strong and short and giving space. Honestly not sure if I want to get back together or not but the fantasy of the future I thought we could have together still has me holding on but I know it would be a lot of work and patience.
It sounds like you've gained a lot of insight and understanding from your experience, which is commendable. Navigating a relationship with an avoidant partner can be incredibly challenging, especially when there's a mix of love and frustration. What aspects would you want to work on if you were to decide to reconnect?
I had a crush on someone in college I believe had a dismissive avoidant personality from what I know now was severe childhood emotional trauma. Intermittently dated 3 years and gave up, couldn't do it anymore. I just shut off all contact. That was 40 years ago. I moved on but think about her all the time with "what if." I reached out en route to a reunion just to say hi. She briefly chatted then ghosted me. Some things never change.
It sounds like this unresolved connection has lingered with you for a long time. What can you do to move forward from this unresolved connection? If you find yourself dwelling on the past excessively, please feel free to reach out to me through support@adamlanesmith.com - I'd be happy to help!
Oh my god. All my life I told myself that love wasn’t for me and that I’ll be alone forever and be happy that way. But what you just described sounds EXACTLY what I would look for in a partner. Maybe I’m looking for a different type of love. You just blew my mind.
It sounds like you might have been holding onto a belief about love that no longer serves you, and I'm glad this video resonated with you in such a profound way! What are your expectations from love and relationships in general?
You love them from a distance. Meaning, go live your best life with someone who isn’t an avoidant. Life is too short and there are way too many secure people out there to waste your time with someone who is too messed up.
It sounds like you've been through a frustrating avoidant partner which caused you to believe they're 'too messed up'. Is that something you'd like to share?
Thank you for your video! I do realize that not only I'm an avoidant man. I'm also stuck into a counter-dependent energy (I don't need you or your love) which is the opposite from dependency and codepedency (the rescuer) A good book about it is : The Flight from Intimacy - Healing your relationship of counter-dependency
Hahahaha YES. This resonates and makes the most sense of any avoidant attachment video I’ve watched. And I literally laughed when you said we would be. Love the knowledge & humor mix. Straight forward and super helpful. Thank you. I’m 1000% fluffy unicorn lover. I now know I need to add in more risk assessment! He said to me “what do you want from me?? Why do you like me so much??” And to me, I was like the fuck do you mean?! I want it all! But THIS is the definition. He quite literally logically doesn’t have a puzzle piece to line that up with internally. Makes so much sense.
@@AttachmentAdam the whole chemistry explanation was very freeing. (i'm not so crazy) to know that i cant help it !? that doesnt mean i cant and wont change but i cant give myself more grace and mercy than i do with the negative self talk and start to heal. My wife is a nurse and when i showed her a couple of your vids she was able to understand me better. I feel bad that i have to be "that guy" that is difficult to deal with and have to be approached in a way I will receive but everyone is like that to some degree i guess... but you've defined for me why i am that way. I have shared with my wife that there was a lack of comprehension on my part as to what my responses "should be" somedays when she is being loving or kind to me and i dont know how to act. I didnt experience that in my childhood or my first marriage ( a marriage counselor said " I married my mother" ugh! ... so thank you for explaining that to bring me some peace and freedom... dave
Avoidants are VERY risk adverse. With some, I’ve been able to answer all the questions and mitigate risks. With others, it turns into a big feedback loop. Some avoidants are so concerned about risk, they will keep coming up with risk after risk. And no life decision is without risk. If you have most of the information (75% or more) and feel good over all, then we have to take a chance of faith. If someone needs to eliminate all the risk and have a situation be 100% risk free, it may be a loosing battle. We can end up wasting precious years of time with people who need all the risk eliminated all the time.
I'm glad to hear that it resonated with you! Sharing this with your girlfriend can help open up valuable conversations. How do you think she'll respond to this?
Brilliant discussion Excellent Analysis Thank you Sir I agree!! I love your work, and I always love listening to you Adam Thank you Thanks Adam you have changed my life for the better since I started listening to you well said!!!
@@AttachmentAdam Changes I've noticed so far are; When I communicate in a more fact based manner and less emotional way, the seemingly avoidant people around me appear to instantly relax and become open to communicative exchange rather than an almost always defensive manner that I noticed prior and yet no amount of 'normal' relaxation techniques would work on these people (I'm a host by nature and profession so I genuinly want my guests to be comfortable, whether in my home or at an event). With neurodivergance, trauma, attachments etc; we all respond differently to well, everything! The more we learn about each other; the better! Since the algorithm appeared one of your videos to me; I immediately began to apply your recommended communication styles to my friends and associates and it works immediately! Yes it takes some effort but assuming part responsibility in helping these people open up is a key factor in repairing and building certain relationships that may have been deemed unworkable and yet necessary such as family, colleagues etc. Thank you Adam, your work is immeasurable now but it will become measurable in time, I'm sure! 🙏
As a woman with the history of being a avoidant, I can relate to some of this. I think one thing that is especially important to *women* who are avoidant, is just trusting that their autonomy is not going to be taken away. Independence is something that I think most women are more likely to have challenged than men. Of course I want love and intimacy, but the risk with love and intimacy is losing my autonomy. So I need to know that a person respects my independence before I get close to them. I am very fortunate to have that kind of love in my life. I would not consider myself an avoidant person now, because in my current situation I am very open intimacy and connection.
@@alanrodriguez210 oh dear, typical anxious type who cannot focus on themselves spreading hate on the very same type it's desperately attracted towards . Your comments against avoidants are all over the place my friend can you not see the irony 😂
While I believe what you say will work, if an anxious makes ONE slip wanting connection, it’s too much of a process to get back to square one w the avoidant. No thanks I’ll stay single.
I hear you. All relationships take work and time to build trust though, and the rewards are worth it. Do you constantly find yourself attracting avoidant partners?
@@AttachmentAdam the last 2 LTR's yes. I've gone into therapy since (2021) to get to the root cause and am working through it. I see where faults are on both sides. I'll still choose to not be with avoidant women though. Your videos break down the information well.
7:36 logical and upfront confrontation for intimacy. And Ally who came to work with him and ask for input 10:07 you need to make things clear w them, so that they don’t feel pressure and at risk. Over communication. 10:52 addressing needs once they come up, they do have needs even tho they don’t think they do. 12:20 double analysis of issues ❤ Speak slow 13:45 logical, this is the issue I can do this and you can do this, let’s try it. ❤
The best most practical video and solution I've ever seen on avoidant attachment and I'm sure avoidants would love to start their self reflection journey with this video..(it's not that simple though,only a few take the ownership and have the courage/decide to change,not because they want to change for their woman/man but because the motivation is intrinsic and they want to become a better person within themselves.)
You're absolutely right that while self-reflection is crucial for personal growth, the motivation to change often stems from an intrinsic desire for improvement rather than external pressures. What specific elements of the video have you found to be most helpful and practical?
Well... It seems the same traits ppl get chosen by an avoidant end up being the same reasons for their resentment. So, thier partners should just turn into robots and logically justify their status in their avoidant partners life. But they were "chosen" because they are warm, fuzzy and loving, they got that warmth avoidants really crave deep down. But to "earn" avoidants trust (trust they didn't break) they have to become someone else. Avoidants love is meat shop for unicorns hearts. Run the f... away if they refuse therapy.
Anxious don't run tho, they go on a marathon obsessing over avoidants even more and indulging into what they do best, dismiss themselves and over focus on someone else.
@@sunbeam9222 I believe in adressing the reality directly. A lot of our contemporary culture is focused on celebrating "avoidant" traits disregarding how strong relationships increase our chances of survival. Something that was evident througout history now needs to be repeated over and over. Anxious don't run because they keep doubting themselves because culture says one thing and they feel the other. They are right. Being alone sucks. Being alone and in a relationship sucks the most. You ain't crazy, this culture is.
I've realised that I am an avoidant that gives unicorn love, but when I have had someone try to give that to me, it freaks me out and makes me run. I feel weird about people trying to look out for me and give to me because I feel the fear of being beholden or having expectation of it happening again or people becoming attached to me, then causing me to get attached to them only to potentially let me down or betray me in the future. I'm now in love with an avoidant and was trying to find research on how to approach them better, you've helped me to realise I'm more or less the same in terms of how I view the idea of receiving love!
It's great that you're gaining self-awareness. Understanding our own attachment styles is also a big step towards healthier relationships. I would recommend the How To Love An Avoidant Man video course (link attached in video description), as it offers all the information and strategies you need.
Thank you Adam for yet another clear and humourous edition to our learning. The mire i listen, the more my communication style changes and like another commenter said; my relationships with everyone are improving because many peoppe i know have avoidant tendencies .... it explains SOOOOO MUCH about people! I do have the patience and they are worth it. Relationships and people are the most valuable assets we have 🙏
I am dating an avoidant long distance and don't know how to bond with him being so far away. I am also avoidant but have been working on myself and am becoming more secure over time. There are times when I feel like we have some head way in our relationship building but he has said the distance is an issue because he feels he needs to be physically near being able to spend more time in person and have quality time. Your videos really help thank you. If you have any tips on long distance relationship building that would be really appreciated.
lol when i would spend the day at my ex's place, he would occasionally come over to where i was sitting and wrap his arms around me. it always caught me so off guard and felt so weird and uncomfortable. like i could not wrap my mind around what was going on. i could never enjoy it, and i never thought about doing the same for him. your descriptions of avoidants are spot on, lol
There is no right or wrong answer here. Everyone has their own unique set of circumstances. While I agree, sacrificing yourself to save someone else can be destructive, there are certain circumstances where it’s worth the fight to fix a situation. It’s important we use our discernment to weigh the pros and cons of each situation before making the decision on when to cut our losses. Definitely a tough call which is up to us individually. Adam’s advice was eye opening for me and tactics are easy enough to try if you have a partner who is open and willing to change. Let’s stay positive everyone!!! ❤😅
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. It's true that every situation is unique, and using discernment is crucial. I'm glad to hear that my advice has been eye-opening for you. What specific tactics have you found most effective in your relationship?
Such an excellent explaination of the avoidant personality. Explains so much about myself that I didn't understand. The need for dopamine and collection of resources were parts of the picture that didn't make sense to me. My main source of oxytocin is from my dogs. They are fantastic at this, humans no so much. I've always loved adventure, and 15 years ago discovered the ultimate avoidant dopamine source; single-hand ocean sailing.
The problem is that therapy could be counterproductive for avoidants because they have trouble sharing vulnerabilities and the fact that therapy isn't solution-focused. Of course, the ultimate goal is for both partners to become more secure. What makes it feel like walking on eggshells?
This is the most accurate description of my ex bf. When i finally had enough of him, i really thought he was insane and broke up with him. For me love and intimacy comes so easy and natural. After i learned about his issues in therapy, i really felt sorry for him. I realised how lucky i am that i had great loving parents, and that's the only difference that makes me feel good and he is struggling so bad, in a never ending search of things and activities, to make him feel something.. so sad
That's a very mature perspective you have on your ex. It sounds like you've gained valuable insights about attachment styles and their impact on relationships. It's also great that you recognize the positive impact of your own upbringing. Have you considered creating a list of "must-haves" in a future partner to ensure better compatibility?
You're on Fire with this Adam! Succinct...Jam packed with Helpful How to's.. Delivered with Humour... Pure Gold! I don't have the funds for your course...so I'm v v grateful for the Awesome free content! 🌟🎉🙏🌈🙏🎉🌟
In my "How to Love an Avoidant Man" course, I delve into strategies to navigate these challenges and foster a healthier connection with your avoidant. If you're interested, you can learn more about it: adamlanesmith.com/attachment-courses/how-to-love-an-avoidant-man/
I'm sorry that we're like this. Maybe introducing the attachment styles will be a good first step. I ruing the most important relationship to me and now my ex wife is marrying a amazing guy and starting their family. I wish I had known that THIS was wrong with me. Its VERY easy for us to just label ourselves broken and not do any more work beyond that. I'm so sorry we're like this.
@@TheGalilee416 I'm sorry that we made you feel that way. We're sorry that we have taken your love and care for granted. I can say with confidence that if I knew about attachment types I would have gone beyond "There just something wrong with me". I promise we don't want to be like this. We really really don't. I'm so sorry for everything.
This is actually a key component of why. Working together closely and achieving goals and projects is a huge piece of that bonding. That’s also the masculine and feminine dynamic, one driving achiever with a powerful supporter behind them. So if the CEO doesn’t have a strong marriage bond happening at home, it’s very easy to slip into a romantic connection with the secretary. I see this happening all the time with executive clients who come in following a sudden affair with a secretary and trying to figure out why it happened and what to do about it.
Most intelligent ideas, thoughts & suggestions I've ever heard regarding my situation w/my avoidant X BF! I now have ideas for a new approach! TY Louisville Kentucky
Wow. This seems like a lot of work and catering. I mean, most of us have had hard times, trauma, and we have issues. But, if you try to stay with someone who's this damaged, and frankly, self-centered, you better be prepared to make your relationship your full time job. What about your real job, your family, your kids, maybe some time to take care of yourself once in a while? You'd have no time or energy for anything else!
In my experience, it's worth a try. If he's willing to meet some of your measurable goals you both might feel better. The few things I've tried with my avoidant partner have made me a believer.
I doesn't sound like a lot of time, it is just walking around on eggshells, which is hard. The issue I have is the risk of them leaving after investing in them. That flight risk is a big issue to me. If I'm investing in a company, I don't want them to take my money and run, which is really really common problem when you are dealing with men both in business and the dating world.
AWESOME!! Wow....Brilliant. will listen over and over......🎉 i have to say, we have had one or two moments of relaxation, and trust. I have been patient, and decided I want to work this out. I needed this helpful explanation. Regardless of what may happen...to better understand another human you have cared about is worth it. Grateful to find you!!🎉
Grateful to have you here. I'm happy to hear this video has brought some clarity and that it resonates. Was there a specific point that stood out to you?
The HOW TO LOVE AN AVOIDANT MAN video course is now available!
If you want to learn to build a fulfilling lifelong relationship with the man you love and help him understand and cherish you in return, pick up your copy right now and write a happy ending to your love story! adamlanesmith.com/how-to-love...
My experience with an avoidant is to just match their effort. Don't take it personally. Any fire without fuel will die. And if the relationship dies naturally without anger it causes the least amount of damage to both of you. Put your interests first and take care of yourself. Grow your other relationships and your hobbies. I'm currently saving to move, because I know my situationship is not going anywhere
That's beautiful adive honestly, thank you
I want to grow in a direction together. That is not even a relationship in my eyes.
I've realized I'm an avoidant attachment and working to accept the things I've done in relationships. These videos have helped, but they come with an insane amount of anxiety looking in the mirror. A lot of comments are hurtful to read but I understand the pain we've caused. Just know, we love you more than you know. We don't want to live life looking at everything through risk assessment. Our internal stress level is non stop.
Every small to big effort is worth it. ❤
I'm so proud of you for standing up and admitting you have a problem, THOSE are the people I RESPECT over those who won't even try to fix it or even admit it 🎊🥳🎉
Now what you can do since you admitted it, is open up to others and help them to not only understand you, but also your needs and how to handle you
Normal people need this from you, and I'm going to tell you a few things because I KNEW one of these kinds of people when I was completely unfamiliar with this type of problem
Stay with me on this one because I know what I'm talking about!
Please keep taking steps forward to try and fix what's broken, and please don't date UNTIL your problem has been SUCCESSFULLY FIXED
Oh yes, and if you have this problem and have access to all kinds of unsuspecting innocent people out there who are unfamiliar with your type of problem, please either hire staff or don't have a business until your problem is successfully fixed
I knew one of these types of people in the limousine industry in I'm starting to wonder now just how many broken hearts this person left behind in their travels, and yes they own and run their own limo business
The reason why we clicked right away is because we both like limos, and we got along real well, (BUT I DIDN'T KNOW this person had this problem)
Please don't date, especially those who are unfamiliar with your type of problem because you can easily blindside them because there's a high chance they probably don't know the signs and will easily miss them, and I know what I'm talking about because I knew one and I've been through it
I'm NOT one, but I KNEW one
I don't normally deal with this type of person, so I was COMPLETELY UNFAMILIAR with this type of problem, which means I DIDN'T KNOW the signs either so I MISSED them and was BLINDSIDED
It's one thing when one of these kinds of people just tries to be cautious and wants to take things slow if THEY initiate romance with a NORMAL person, THAT'S FINE
The real problem is when one of these people keeps this kind of problem completely hidden by using their work as a cover, and again I KNOW what I'm talking about because I've SEEN it WITHOUT KNOWING WHAT I was seeing
PLEASE DON'T DATE UNTIL your problem is FIXED
Oh yes, and for the OTHER PERSON'S SAKE, PLEASE DON'T MARRY them, AND PLEASE DON'T BREED, (we DON'T need MORE of THESE kinds of people in the world)
What a beautiful comment ❤
Thank you
We all want to love and be loved and find peace
Anxious people also have a lot of anxiety. Basically fear that we will be abandoned again.
But with patience, understanding and love we will heal ourselves and build beautiful relationships with trust and support
I'm a fluffy unicorn in love with an avoidant Viking. I have connected with him logically. He sees me as less of a threat and more of an alli. He tells me about things that are bothering him and problems he's trying to solve. He took me fishing. I found him a bobber. 😊 This makes me feel needed and appreciated. My anxiety is fading. His love, and ability to express it is slowly and awkwardly opening up like a hesitant flower I feel is going to burst open any minute. It's messy and imperfect but measurable progress that fills me with hope. In the meantime, my relationships with everyone else are improving too. I'm better at checking in with my friends and children. Building bonds. Thank you Adam. 🙏
Yes! This is happening to me right now... the same, to a T
@@L.Pandapony yay for healing!!
Pin this comment quick, and send a detachment to protect her before the wolves attack! This was my experience from the Avoidant's perspective as well, she had a beautiful mind and I could rely on her like no other before or since, and I blossomed under her patient collaboration. Congratulations to you both, and thanks for your story.
@@don-eb3fj you made me smile from the inside out. I'm so grateful for your reinforcement that I'm on the right track. I can see the changes. So can he. Even now, he's texting me about his worries. I got him laughing by hearing him out and suggesting silly but plausible solutions. Please tell me more about your story. 💕
Hello unicorn, from a fellow unicorn I guess. I feel the same way.
Just don’t be emotional and demanding. And stop relying on them to make you happy. Also, appreciation and gratitude goes a long way.
Bingo!
I think we can all take what we have that's already good, and make it even better I think we can all take what we have that's already good, and make it BETTER
We can't fix others, but we can work on OURSELVES
Anxious people attract avoidant people and trigger their avoidance even more. Goes both ways, obviously, so it's personal responsibility to work on ourselves and learn about the other person.
Wow dude, this is the one intelligent comment where you don't put all of the blame on the other person.
@raycarden7941 damn it's so sadly true ..but my next relationship is gonna be to a confidently attached person .. or that's what I'm trying to do
Totally agree problem is anxious are open to working through and getting help. Avoidants will tell you what you want to hear and shut down more. Just leave them it’s not worth the hassle
@@TheGalilee416 ….yep, those avoidant types are extremely skilled at avoiding accountability, avoiding personal responsibility and avoiding facing up to themselves in any way whatsoever. They seldom ‘do the work’, they just want everyone else to do it then they’ll be just fine.
@@cspace1234nz 💯
Nice video! I just can't believe my wife left me after 18 years. she doesn't even want to talk to me anymore. I've tried everything possible to get her back, but nothing seems to work and I can’t stop thinking about her. I'm frustrated I don't see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t. I really miss him and just cant stop thinking about her!
I'm really sorry to hear that. I went through something similar not too long ago. My wife and I broke up and I felt completely lost. I tried everything, but it just seemed hopeless. Well I ended up reaching out to this incredible spiritual adviser. She helped me in ways I never thought possible. After working with her, my husband came back.
A spiritual adviser, that sounds interesting. What did you do? How can I get in contact with her?
Her name is Maurice Gleti, and she’s a great spiritual adviser who can bring back your ex.
Thank you so much! I just searched her name, and I found her, the reviews look amazing, and I'm feeling hopeful now. I really believe I can get him back.
No contact. Watch out for spiritual advisors
He actually said that to me...." I can't give you what you want" I hugged him & said," you already did!!!"❤
Ditto… only ten years later after trying for 17 years I realized he could give me what I needed 5% of the time and the rest of the time I starved, living on crumbs just about destroyed me.
@KB-ih5gf yeah...he made me miserable but I came to realize he didn't have it in him to LOVE
I left after 2 years
Mine says that too. I’m like 😮but you do! But he comes up with excuses all the time. Why are they trying to protect themselves so much? They can’t be vulnerable?
@@KB-ih5gfugh 😢
Crazymaking love. The guy is so cryptic, so obtuse, so out of reach and absent. Then he tosses me a crumb, tells me he loves me, and I can't leave. It's helpful to understand this kind of personality and realize that it's nothing like mine.
If you are a young woman who wants to have a family, please be aware of timing and how trying to heal a relationship when the other is unable/unwilling to engage in healing may rob you of that option. Losing your early to mid twenties to a relationship where the other person is unwilling to work on it can cost you the opportunity to have a family. I wish I had known that. and had not spent so much time trying to fix the unfixable. We think we have until 40 to have kids, so many of us stay and try to work it out with our partner who is not showing any real signs of wanting to change or making any real progress. There is hope for some, but please be honest with what you are seeing and, if you are childless now but want to have kids, be very aware of how the time you are spending is precious and could impact that option.
Great point sweetie. .. more attention needs to be brought up with this reality
I agree, great point! I wasted many years on avoidance men. One married me when I was 42, then left a few days later. He came back twice for a few weeks, then I told him not to come back if he didn't want a real marriage. I didn't see him for a year. Every few months he'd just send me a card saying he missed me. I didn't respond because he made no attempt to actually talk, it was like just wanted to keep me in place in case he changed his mind. I filed for divorce, then found out I was pregnant. I raised my son on my own, which was difficult. When my son turned 14, he changed and became angry and abusive. I tried to enlist the help of my ex, and he wanted nothing to do with him. I feel sorry for him because he's still alone at 67 years old, but I also can't stand him for being so selfish that he refuses to be a part of my son's life, when my son desperately needs him. He's actually, unfortunately, a lot like his father. I understand being hurt and damaged, and that is sad. But, that level of selfishness is hard to understand, and when I think of how he hurt my son, it just seems unexcusable.
@@JaneDoe-qi2gq I am so very sorry you went through all of that! Sounds torturous. And you bring up another good point: having biological kids with someone who is so challenging means their DNA is part of the package and there is a high risk you will be raising mini versions due to nature (as in your case) or nature + nurture if you stay with their father. It perpetuates the difficulties.
@@SK-no2pp No it is not normal.
If you are ok with being childless, then avoidant men are okay to have as romantic partners, but for women who want children, there is the risk of loss of childbearing and a flight risk. An avoidant man will have to do a lot of mitigate those two risks. In business, we usually have these flight risk guys pay a lot upfront to mitigate them being a flight risk.
If he wants to get married, he needs to pay for the wedding. It should be his money on the line rather than yours. Otherwise, he is likely to stand up at the wedding or leave right afterwards and waste all that you invested. I know you may want to get married to him badly, but you need to think long term about risks such as divorce and child support. If he is avoidant, divorce and becoming a single mom are real high risks. You also need to take into account that you will be on your own when sick or if you get cancer.
If you need much higher standards with an avoidant.
I am sick of his come and go, sabotage and taking me for granted, so walked away. I am worth of being loved and devoted to. Very sick of reading his mind and him being closed off. I am heartbroken but enough is enough. I offered all my support and care.
Did you take care of yourself first?
Maybe you learned what you had to learn then, hopefully.
Good job, you're a bare minimum functioning adult 🎉 have a pat on the back
@@bulletron3000absolutely not. A bate minimum adult wouldn't put in effort to try to make a relationship work with an avoidant. She's probably exhausted
Avoidants are emotionally immature
They haven't done the work to heal
People need to learn to save themselves
This avoidant guy that I was dealing with is so dysfunctional and self-centred that you can’t reason with him. We were texting, in the middle of a conversation, then he disappears, leaving me hanging. Next day I find out that his battery was low and it died. I asked him “why didn’t you inform the me when your battery is low so I know that you will disappear anytime.” His response was “somethings you don’t have to share” and that I am “controlling.”
This guy is emotionally stunted and a pain to deal with, so I blocked him.
I clearly understand where you're coming from on this one, when people leave you hanging in the dark, it's RUDE and INCONSIDERATE of THEM
I HOPE SOMEONE temporarily Baker Acts him, THESE kinds of people NEED it!
I see where you're coming from on informing the person you're talking with about a dying battery that needs charged, but that's what nearby chords are for, especially if you happen to have a LONG one!
If you get one that's universal to your phone or tablet that can also quick charge other devices that take the same connection, THAT helps a LOT
When me and a friend are texting, I'm always informed if that person's battery is getting low and they may need to charge
Sometimes they've managed to make it work and talk while charging, so this is very possible if you have the right cord of the right length with the RIGHT set up in the area where you're going to be talking
Anyway, I hope someone Baker Acts this person you're talking about, they need to be locked up and put away from the rest of us because most likely they may also have a CRIMINAL PAST
In my particular case, I found out there was a CONNECTION between the two, (meaning the criminal past and the avoidant behavior), but I DIDN'T KNOW UNTIL AFTERWARDS
I think those with business license is who own and run their own business need to be thoroughly screened for certain types of personality problems
Avoidant Behavior ISN'T really a mental disorder or personality at all, it's a CHOICE
I bet you that if you pulled a background check on the person, you may be shocked at what you find because there's a chance they're probably hiding something in their past that they're not proud of, and I know what I'm talking about because this is what I found out
The only reason why I gave them a chance is because they were single, and they turned their life around from the time they had run-ins with the law
When I met this person I was just renting the limousine Comma so I wanted to go for a holiday ride before christmas and WASN'T looking for a date AT ALL
We became FRIENDS BEFORE THEY initiated wanting MORE than friends
We really got along well and we liked each other, so I at very least gave that person a chance since they seemed honest, which they were except I didn't know they were hiding something
Yes, they said they were "bad", but I don't recall the story
The person was straight with me, although they might not have said that they had a criminal past
It wasn't until I looked into their background quietly that I discovered that yes, there's some misdemeanors and even an arrest, but it was in the far enough past that I gave them a chance because that person turned their life around for the BETTER
It was a long distance relationship, so we only saw each other no more than about four times a year for a few hours
I didn't have the money to move, and couldn't really afford a car, so I had to save for a while for anything I wanted to do
I've had vehicles before, and it's more expensive to keep and maintain one than it is to just rent something for a day
It wasn't until
I had some prophetic dreams where I was riding in limousines, these were PERSISTENT
I also told someone that if God wants me to marry that he's going to have to bring mine in a limousine, they're going to have to be able to drive it very well, and preferably they should also own and run their own limousine business.... AND GUESS WHAT HAPPENED!
All of what I said happened, but the sad part is they decided to leave, the very person God either sent or allowed to cross my path turned out in the end to be and avoidant I wasn't cut out to know how to deal with
Let me tell you from experience though that I could tell when they were about to text me, or if they read my text and how they were feeling
Usually the feeling I got was good and I only got Not so good feeling when they were Coming with a limousine, only for me to find out they had to get a tire changed on the way HERE and they had to make a call BEFORE we left in the limo
I respected that and gave the person the space they needed for the few moments they needed, and I was willing to wait as long as it took, since they were an HONEST business person
However, when you have a personal problem you're hiding from others that your romancing, THAT right THERE is DISHONEST
When people ghost you and leave you hanging in the dark Comma There Comes a time when you Must sometimes start working on a goodbye message Comma but keep it polite and professional Kama saying everything you need to say in as few words as possible And in a manner that's going to be received
In my case, we're BOTH Limousine FANS Comma so fans are supposed to look out for each other, respect each other, AND handle each other in a MORAL and PROFESSIONAL manner
If there comes a time you must say goodbye, choose your words CAREFULLY, ESPECIALLY If you've hired them in the past and they know OTHERS in the industry
You don't want to burn future Bridges, so be careful if you ever know a business person because you don't want to be black balled later
When saying goodbye to someone with whom you did business Comma or it's an open-ended goodbye depending on the situation, you always want to handle it with a HIGH level of PROFESSIONALISM, because a little bit, goes a LONG way
I really like you and respect you.
I realize there are risks, but I think that if you and I work together, we can manage the risks. And then we can work to build something together and have a deeper connection that is more fulfilling for both of us.
Thank you for noting his words. Now I can see it as well as hear it. Much appreciated
God. If a woman actually told me that and I was sure she meant it... what a lovely fantasy.
Tried this and guess what it's been an 11 year shit show, 🙃 he will never love me, and I'm excepting that and have given up, I don't and can't keep up with his insanity, I finally told him do what ever you want I don't give a shit anymore, it's his problem not mine
@@staywellandstrong4199 It helps to have a script to study and maybe memorize, doesn’t it?
Thank you!!
Finally understood the personality disorder of my husband of 28 years. He has his own priorities, his own timeline to start or finish something and his own cocoon to hide into instead of answering questions or giving an explanation for his avoidant behavior. Whenever I want to take things in my own hands, he feels extremely pressured and intimidated. So basically it is a dysfunctional household and I am still here for the sake of my kids. Divorce is not easy. I was such a vibrant and ambitious woman and now I am just a detoriated version of my old self. I would advise not to waste your time with these people. He doesn’t share any information, is emotionally abusive but loving at the same time. Not compromising. Save your brain from being fried. I am on anti anxiety and antidepressants for the last 20 years to cope with his abnormal attitude. Thanks that finally it has a name. Life is too short to work on their screwed up brains.
What a load of horseshit. The idea that he somehow abusive and loving at the same time, in the case that you either lying, or your mentally unstable from the jump. The reason that you feel sad or depressed, is because you realize that you are unable to manipulate your partner. The fact that he has his priorities or Hobbies other than you, makes you recognize that you aren't able to force him to do what you want. Stop attempting to blame him for your feelings or reactions. You used to be vibrant because you thought that you could get away with controlling and manipulating him. But since it didn't work you feel " depressed".
@@panama2468clearly she is a codependent and probably has CPTSD. That said, she’s right about avoidants bc they become loving when they want sex or a favor. It’s all on their timeline tho. They are manipulative AF and hide their true selves. They are all about getting their dopamine hits with their obsessive bad habits. They use people to get what they want, transactional at best. She must heal her people pleasing ways for sure a and take accountability for staying. I definitely think avoidants should be alone if they refuse to grow as humans. Very selfish and childish 💯 They are usually Covert narcissists or Anti-social sociopaths! Go get some help BEFORE hurting others. Stay single and continue to have booty calls if you can’t be a true partner in a marriage.
I'm a self aware avoidant with a non self aware avoidant and your video about avoidant women, and another one about intimacy with an avoidant allowed me to have the best sex of my life. I was hesitant about you at fisrt, but your videos and advice get results. I have learned more from your videos than all other love and dating coaches combined. Your courses are the only ones I would consider paying for.
Holy sh a self aware one
Teach the other Avoidants
Go forth!
Which is the video about intimacy with an avoidant please ? I can't find it on Adam's playlist. Thanks.
@@01jvb The two videos are-
1- How to make an avoidant man bond to you in the bedroom
2.- How to love an avoidant woman
The video you are looking for would be the first one.
Being that I am avoidant and also with an avoidant, both of the above videos helped me immensely.
I hope that helps you.
@@taylorbee4010 🤣
@@taylorbee4010 💯
Fluffy unicorn here....I didn't understand when we first got together that he just wasn't use to the kind of love and intimacy required for a strong, committed, lasting relationship. When he would push me away, I'd cry and that would illicit sympathy from him....he'd be hugging me while I cried, not realizing his pushing me away was what caused the tears in the first place. The more I've been able to get better at communication, the more he has started to get on board, and I think we're slowly starting to build something we will both cherish in time to come. So glad there are people like you out there willing to share their knowledge with those of us who are in the dark. It can be so hurtful and confusing when your partner tells you that your intensity and your wanting to talk through problems makes them uncomfortable, and that they would prefer to just keep everything lighthearted, when there are so many other clues telling you that's bs, lol. He and I have both been very badly wounded by past relationships where love was betrayed and abuse occured, so I do get where he is coming from. It's a long slow process, but one that seems to be worth it.
I've had the same experience. Feels like I'm working miracles.
🤍🤍
I’m impressed that he was kind to you when you cried because he pushed you away, my ex was disgusted and horrified by my tears and told me tears were a sign of weakness and told me he wasn’t putting up with it and either asked me to leave or he left. I was devastated. When our counsellor told him tears were a sign of vulnerability and strength and that I only cried when I felt safe you could just feel the contempt for both of us dripping off him. He may have been narcissistic too. Hard to know where the line goes.
@KB-ih5gf he's done something similar to me in the past. I've managed to break through a little. He actually asked me how I am the other day. I was overjoyed. Feels like another step in the right direction.
I've realized avoidants can be loved by an independent, "secure" & persistent approach.
Absolutely, a secure and persistent approach can work wonders with avoidants.
@AttachmentAdam what if we are 8 years on and off? She saved my life, and now I'm anxious attached and she's avoidant bc I failed emotional investment and volatility tests.
Now I'm being told "no contact" is the only way to not make her feel smothered. But your advise sounds different.
@@AttachmentAdam can you define the difference between persistence and clingy?
@@CorbinB-Rax I'm obviously not the expert here, but I am a woman, and if she's stuck around for 8 years with you, especially on and off... she clearly cares about you! If I were you, I would try being VERY open and honest with her, and asking her what she needs... if she won't tell you, keep asking... I often don't let anyone into how I feel about anything, and if they don't really really really try, I don't think they care, so I don't open up.
I wish you luck
@StrategicStripping thank you 😊 strategic stripping
thanks for your final words about the demonization of avoidants. still shocked at the way people talk in comments of these kinds of videos. they cannot see past their own hurt and have compassion for a subset of people who really were traumatised/neglected in childhood, learned to cope the only way they could and are now missing out on (allegedly...) the most profound and fulfilling human experience that others are blessed to take for granted. and i suppose it is extremely painful to take that point of view, that maybe things actually could have been different if you came into that relationship with some of this knowledge - no, it's easier to think of that troublesome ex as a villain, unfixable, unloveable, malicious, and to have that reaffirmed over and over by strangers on the internet must be very soothing. although you are affirming my deepest darkest fears and anxieties about myself as an avoidant ;) but that's my business not yours hahaha.
The avoidant that I know makes me feel so loved and appreciated when we are in the bedroom and he recognizes my care for him but outside the bedroom, the avoidant side of him appears.
For avoidants, it can sometimes be easier to connect physically because it feels safer than emotional vulnerability in everyday life. But once the intimacy is over, the fear of closeness and emotional overwhelm kicks back in, leading to that distance you’re noticing. Have you been able to talk to him about this pattern outside of those intimate moments?
aha interesting facts! No, too dismissive and he told me before that he's happy how he is and not planning to change who he is
Anxious attachments' whole thing is to get lost in the emotion, buzz with the feelings. To have to get so technical so the the avoidant understands is a real passion killer
Yeah, my avoidant really liked me when I was numb and void of feeling. When I was in that state, being with him was just not enjoyable and sort of annoying. I thought do I need to live the life of a cold dead fish to get him to stay with me? It made it easier for me to leave and give him the space that he always wanted.
@@kaitlin8669 Sounds like it varies a lot. I'm avoidant but I think I'm anxious too, I tend to avoid people in general but the thought of a woman just touching my arm and looking in my eyes makes my heart melt. I haven't felt intimacy or affection non-platonically since I was just out of high school almost a decade ago. I get dreams sometimes, where a woman wholesomely expresses love and affection to me, like a guardian angel. Those dreams keep me going and make me feel like I'm not alone. I can say with certainty that if I finally find someone who has a big heart and is as empathetic as I am, I'd be opening up enough to lightly overwhelm myself but I'd probably lose myself in that joy and affection. It saddens me that some avoidant people are so far gone that they couldn't relate to what I'm saying though. I used to be kind of like that, I'd even straight up reject compliments because deep down I truly believed I would and could never deserve such kind treatment. I hated myself. But my found-family (close friends who healed me where my blood family failed miserably) basically saved me from a dark fate, and now I know what open honesty and positive vulnerability feel like.
Ugh, just thinking about being held or touched on the arm or shoulder, or any number of "basic" acts of affection make my heart melt. One day, I have hope... I just don't want to be used as an emotional piñata, like a doormat, or cheated on again, so I've been super hesitant to put myself out there ever since those things happened. But I've been working on it for 10 years and have been seeing really good progress. It makes me subtly excited.
Don't know why I shared so much here haha. My friends have been so busy that they barely ever reply back to anything I send until weeks later, so I guess it's because I've been feeling isolated and feel relief sharing this stuff with strangers. Haha. What a life.
@@kaitlin8669sounds like you're both better off but you're still so bitter? Sounds like you wasted your own time too, own up to that and ask yourself why you tolerate that behavior.
If you're waiting for passion from an avoidant you'll be waiting a long long time lol
I've learned avoidants typically let their guard down when they stop caring what others think. When they stop taking everything personal and realize most people in their lives are just passing through, they tend to tell it how it is and become less secretive about their emotional state.
Great insight! Letting go of others' opinions can lead to greater emotional openness.
I got better with women once I stopped caring about what women thought about me. I never thought about what people thought about me unless I was physically attracted and then I would get in my head about it.
@@jonrazo7912 definitely the way to go. Being authentic and unapologetic will ALWAYS lead you to the right woman for YOU.
Remember though, unsuspecting people won't know this
That's because those who have something to hide will have something in there background that they may not be proud of
I found this out when I did a quiet background check on someone I care about when they wanted more than just friends, they initiated wanting romance
When I did a background check I wanted to make sure they weren't married, they came back clean in that area
What I did find out though is they had some misdemeanors and an arrest in their PAST
Since the past DIDN'T reflect the current, I gave them a chance
What I didn't know until after the fact when I started looking for answers After the dump Is that Avoidant Behavior Is connected to hiding something as I found out
When KIDS have something to hide, I can see THEM acting avoidant, but NOT an ADULT
At least you wouldn't think adults would act like that, but I found out there's definitely a connection that when they act avoidant, they're HIDING something, so THEY DID something WRONG!
Weather or not it got reported doesn't matter, they have something to HIDE, or they WOULDN'T be acting THAT way
If you know someone with avoidant behavior problems, CHECK their BACKGROUND QUIETLY, and see what YOU find and you'll SEE what I mean
If you check these people's backgrounds, you may be shocked at what you find because I'll bet you more times than not they have at least one misdemeanor in their PAST
EVEN IF you find nothing, there's STILL LIKELY SOMETHING going on that NEVER got REPORTED
If a person is displaying avoidant Behavior, it means they have something to hide because they're LIKELY doing something no one knows about, (and it could be ANYTHING)
If you want to know what they're hiding, check their background and go from THERE
You could also check their social media, but that doesn't always tell the real truth
@@0annonymous there's a difference between an avoidant and someone who is hiding something. One does not equate to the other by any means.
I feel like you to only person offering hope for people who are in a relationship with an avoidant partner. Everyone else I’ve heard is telling people to be prepared to cut & run. There’s so much more good in my guy, than bad. I appreciate your approach to this kind of relationship and the optimism you give me.
Omg thank you for actually knowing about neurotransmitters, high performance as an adult, CPTSD and bonding. I've learned so much about this but you've been very clear. It's been so hard to try to learn about love as a nearly middle aged woman who has done everything on my own. People ask me why I'm single and I don't even know how to begin to explain. It's always dysfunction junction. It's so much easier and less dangerous to be alone!
@@TheVejjo 💯
What I learned is that THESE people DON'T FEEL, or they wouldn't be leaving a line of broken hearts along the way
Another thing I learned is the connection between avoidant behavior, and criminal history
Because the run-ins with the law were far enough in the past that they turned their life around for the BETTER, I gave them a CHANCE to be FAIR with them since they showed interest in MORE than just FRIENDS
At the time I met them, It was the same kind of person I said that if God wanted me to marry, they'd have to Come in a limousine, be able to drive it very well, and own and run their own limousine business, and guess what came!
Right at a time I WASN'T EVEN LOOKING is when this person came along, (and we hit it off right away!)
I'm just sad that a fellow Limousine Fan has a problem with avoidant behavior, and I HOPE they're NOT ALSO a NARCISSIST, (NO ONE needs it)
When someone wants to date you and you agree, do a background check early on as early as possible to MAKE SURE they're NOT married, START THERE
While you're doing the background check quietly Make sure they DON'T have a CURRENT criminal record
If the person has something in their past, then handle it accordingly
Let's say it's something like misdemeanors and maybe even an arrest, if it's not current, then by all means feel free to consider giving them a chance if you choose to
If you're NOT familiar with avoidant behavior, you WON'T KNOW the signs and CAN be EASILY BLINDSIDED WHEN you MISS them
You may not even know anything was even wrong until AFTER the relationship ends, and you're looking for answers based on YOUR situation
This is how I discovered the person I've known for 4 years has avoidant traits along with a criminal PAST
Because at the time I was completely clueless and unfamiliar with avoidant behavior, I DIDN'T KNOW the signs, so I MISSED them and was BLINDSIDED, it HAPPENS
Since the person left, I've learned a LOT, and I just sought answers on why people "ghost" others
I DON'T date often, it's EXTREMELY RARE I even find a MUTUAL AND ATTRACTIVE connection
Before getting involved with anyone, quietly do a background check and see WHO you're dealing with, THEN watch their behavior if they qualify for a CHANCE
Listen to what they say, ESPECIALLY IF they ever open up
You never know what they say or do MIGHT be MORE than just a "passing ship in the night" because it MIGHT NOT be so random as you THINK
Yes, sometimes people can say and do stuff
if they're having a bad moment, THAT ALSO HAPPENS
There are times the person I knew had a bad moment, and I stayed calm and gave them space
What I didn't know and I may never know if SOME of those bad moments MIGHT ACTUALLY have been MORE than just RANDOM 🤷🏼🤷♂️🤷♀️🤷
Sometimes though if someone happens to be in the limousine business, you might have some bad moments, and I'm speaking as an OBSERVANT Limousine Fan here
I'll be the first to admit I missed the signs of avoidant behavior because I DON'T NORMALLY deal with avoidants, they're NOT NORMALLY part of MY circle
Since I was completely clueless and unfamiliar with avoidants, I didn't know the signs, missed them and got BLINDSIDED by the AVOIDANT person
This kind of stuff happens if You're just not familiar with this type of person, so it's NOT a personality at all, NOT a mental disorder, but a CHOICE THEY made
You can't fix it, ONLY THEY can
Since the person left, I had a dream at some point that we saw each other out in public, and RECONNECTED around Halloween
I don't know what the event is they were wanting to take me to, I guess some kind of party, (but I don't do Halloween)
I'd only be willing to go with them to the event though because I'd be going with THEM, since we got along so well previously
Speaking as a Limousine Fan, IF this REALLY DOES happen, (I HOPE we go in the Limousine)
If you ever become part of the Limousine World though, LEARN to SPEAK Limousine, AND LEARN Limousine Etiquette
i feel a little exposed here. i say that phrase" nobody is coming to save you" all the time. im definitely the guy you're describing.
so hypothetically, this explains why i am attracted to hippy free spirit women. even though we have very little in common/ not compatible with is because they relax me. 🤔
This video is great, and very on point for me. The comment section is pretty brutal though. Apparently I've been right all these years that nobody would ever care enough to put up with me.
Give the avoidant all the space they want by walking away. You will be glad you did.
Why will you be glad you did?
@@AttachmentAdam For my own sanity. It's such a drastic push/pull with an avoidant.
If you are not patient in love. Chances are, you will repeat the cycle.
@@billpetersen298 was married 20 years I was more than patient
I would agree, an avoidant’s main priority is to avoid a relationship. Trying to get one with a person who says they don’t want one is disrespect. Now if the avoidant is trying to work to a secured attachment style. That’s a different story.
This is actually one of the most informative how to love and avoidant videos I’ve seen on TH-cam so far thank you very much
I'd like to point out that there are also healthy sources of dopamine like reading books, creating/consuming art or learning new skills.
True! I'm an information junkie and watch educational content (Like this) on double speed. I consider that a good dopamine binge. On the other hand, I have too strong an addiction to packaged desserts, and that's a dopamine binge I'm working on overcoming 😅
Okay but have you tried doing all of that on drugs? Makes it much more fun
@MayBlake_Channel I watch one while reading the transcript of another.
@@bulletron3000 this
This is so scary accurate with my ex.
He feels like he has to do everything alone, and couldn't be a team player in the relationship (despite being together for over 2 years). Regardless, he said he could feel at peace with me, and felt calm for once.
No matter how much I reassured him, he ended up self-sabotaging the relationship by seeking external validation, and ultimately cheated.
That sounds really challenging. Self-sabotage can be difficult to navigate in relationships!
@@AttachmentAdam Very much so. I tried to work through it with him, but his self-hatred only worsened after his actions..
would love to hear more about how these avoidants can be "the most loving, nurturing and attentive ppl".
It's hard to imagine right now and I need the motivation to not break up with him right now.
When avoidants feel safe, secure, nurtured, and understood they outpour the love and intimacy that has been held back by their fear and mistrust of others. If you'd love to learn how to help your partner feel that way and become more secure, feel free to reach out to me at support@adamlanesmith.com. I'd be happy to share more insights!
@@AttachmentAdam Just saw this. Thanks so much. I'm still not sure he is actually avoidant, but I will save the email provided for the future.
@@AttachmentAdam when avoidant woman feel safe and cared they just dump you to run after some drug addict.
Love is a mutual bond and choosing to put that person’s well being ahead of you in some ways but it is also receiving the same kind of care you need in return. One person giving everything will make that persons body and mental as well as emotional health suffer from loving someone who has stated that aren’t capable of loving you like you deserve. Accept that answer and let it go. Otherwise you’ll only think you had anxiety before meeting them because you’ll live in anxiety and constantly walk on egg shells trying to make that person like you and appreciate you. Stop that. That’s abuse. It’s each persons individual responsibility to do the work to help their self and as an empath, you can’t heal or save anyone unwilling to do the work for theirselves. If they aren’t participating in the relationship, do yourself and future children a huge favor and leave now. Otherwise you’re starting a generational curse of children never feeling like they are good enough to be loved and they will not be happy and will be anxious and people pleasers or recluses who have problems with relationships their whole life. Don’t think about what’s in it for you and pretend to be some great martyr for allowing someone to abuse you. You will lose every friend and family member as well. It is hurtful to watch someone you love allow others to treat them less than they are.
Just leave, he isn't worth it. A lot of avoidant people cheat and it's not worth your health being at risk.
Gosh, it’s so draining just to listen to this such powerful words, but it seems like I’m doomed in my relationship.. he is DA and makes sense. He doesn’t know how to take care of anybody and I feel like I’ll never be taken care of as a woman, but I get so many mixed signals where I need to be a mother to him and he expects it for me to initiate everything with him, but only certain times. Texting is horrible 34 hour delay when I ask him if he wants to hang out and I get so sad because he feels like it’s OK to text hours later when we were supposed to meet up to insert a couple of white lies because he would rather play video games and no, it’s not right…. Very draining! As he pours his love to his son that disrespects him and I’ve been with him for five years and just standing around waiting for that cup of love! So crazy
Thank you so much h for the insight!!😮❤
Ive been watching these videos because of a friend. I realized its not healthy for me to date an avoidant... so instead ive kept the boundary of friendship. My friend has had the worst childhood neglect. I truly believe he is doing the best he can. Some people in my life loved me even when i was behaving avoidantly (im FA) because of their immense empathy. They have helped me heal. It was a huge sacrifice for them. And now i want to do the same for someone else even though its not easy. I'm being a safe non judgemental space for my friend while honoring my own needs.
Holy heck - so many incredible insights, science, compassion, analogies (lone wolf) and incredibly useful information. You have a rare combo of brilliance and truly impactful advice. Thank you!
Thank you so much for your kind words! I'm glad you find the content impactful. 🙏
It’s just frustrating! It’s up to me then, to help my avoidant husband and I am at a point, 21 years later, where I’m burned out, tired of helping and assisting.
Finally I found someone who gave correct way to handle and talk to avoidants be businesslike with them
I am a fearful leaning avoidant in love with a dismissive leaning avoidant and your content, Adam, has helped me to understand our dynamic SO much. I can not express enough gratitude and thanks. Even though my partner and I are no longer together, the clarity of what happened and why it went wrong has been very healing. And if him and I ever end up back together, I will know how to approach it in a more sustainable way. Thank you ❤
I'm on the opposite side. Da leaning in love with FA. We're also apart and all that was so cloudy for me makes great sense now. If only I had known that before. I hope you're doing well xx
@@sunbeam9222hey there, haha I'm an FA who unhealthy loved a DA 😂. We had a trauma bond. I'm doing shadow work and reading a lot about attachment styles. I'm on my way to unlearn all those behaviors I gathered from childhood and become secure. You shouldn't take your avoidant ex back unless he is willing to heal his wounds himself. I hope you find a secure partner for yourselves, best of success 🙌
You just give me keys to his heart. I noticed that difference when I was shifting form being emotional just be robotic rational
Best description and analogy that helped me understand this much better after 3 years searching. THANK YOU
Happy to hear this resonates and that you found it helpful. You're most welcome.
DA HERE- you get me 🥺 thank you
Problem is we dont know that they are avoidanys until its to late and we already love them
Exactly..im 23 years deep,mortgage,kids,pets the whole nine..she just left for the 4th time..every 5-7 years she sabotages the relationship or finds any excuse to leave again. I can't take it anymore
But the dishonesty is what made me mad. I am stuck between a rock and a hard place because of honest old-fashioned love.
@WATCHMEGOBROKE How are you 23 if they've left even twice? Sorry for your experience.
I ended a 10year relationship with my ex because of the on and off in our relationship . The entire time I felt skeptical towards him and his intentions. 2years after the breakup, he's moved on and I have done extensive work on myself. Im just not sure I'm cut out for relationships.
@@Inprogress_of_newbeginings you misunderstood my brother we have been together for over 23 years..she has left 4 times..the most recent 1 month ago
@@Inprogress_of_newbeginings now she is trying to squirm her way back in..she's love bombing and she's hot and cold..i can tell she is confused and she knows that I know she is confused. When she gets cold I pull back then she pursues..when she catches herself being too close she back offs and turns cold. Avoidants have the mental maturity of a 5 year old
I really like the way you explain things. It really clicks for me
Im married to an avoidant and was watching so many videos to save my relationship. Im so glad I found your channel yesterday. It’s straight forward and simple to understand. Even for a non English speaker like me.
Please do a video on cheating and having casual sex. What makes them do that? Why he avoid sex with the spouse and go for casual relationships?
I'm so glad you're here too, and thank you so much for your wonderful feedback. Dopamine-seeking behavior, such as cheating, is unfortunately something that avoidantly attached people tend to do. I encourage you to continue watching this video series or playlist. Feel free to reach out if you have any other questions or need support.
@@AttachmentAdam I just found your channel. Hoping it will help me. I was engaged to an avoidant attachment. We were engaged to be married this past July. We were fighting, and he cancelled the wedding. So devastating. Couples fight . There was no physical abuse or infidelity. He finally got into therapy. His therapist suggested getting all of my stuff out of his house and acting as if we are in two separate worlds to see how much he will miss me. Sad all this separatism when all I want to do is love him.. I am exhausted. I have loved him for 16 years.
Love that you give the biochemical processes behind this attachment style, thank you!
This video is one of the best ones out there!
Thank you so much, I appreciate that! What makes you say that?
This is so spot on, it's unbelievable. Thank you. 🙏
Wow …. All sounds too much work ! And it still relies on them willing to participate! I just had to let mine go and wish him well . Time is precious and we cant get it back …. Too precious to waste on people who cant give back . They need professional help !
So true! And I hope young women see what you wrote and realize that they may not have as much time in their reproductive years as they think. Wasting time trying to fix a relationship with an avoidant who is not interested in working on healing may cost you the opportunity to have a family. It did me and I regret that very much.
Giving someone time you can never get back is so much more important for women who have fertility pressures and the whole aging dilemma. I had kids thankgoodness but have met a bunch of messed up people in the dating pool since getting divorced at 37yrs. And feel my last yrs of youthfulness wasted..
I missed the opportunity to have children as well. 😢
Same reason to never date single mothers or give them any time at all
@@coachcastle666 Yes, exactly. If you know you do NOT want children but you do want a serious long-term relationship/marriage in the near future, then spending time dating a single parent would be wasting your precious time to find a partner who matches your need and lifestyle/family make up desires.
You are a star🎉🎉I listened to this video for 3 days repeatedly. Took notes. Applied it today and it worked. Real magic. happy
I’m so glad it resonated with you and that you applied it successfully. Your effort and openness to learning made that magic happen! Keep going, and celebrate the progress you’re making.
Avoidant woman here, feeling very seen right now
I'm glad you found something relatable in the video. Remember, you're not alone, and there's always room for growth and understanding!
Get help.
Avoidant women love only themselves. Golddiggers.
Please don't go destroying a stable person 🙏🏼
I may need to use different words. I am definitely going to try this
This information needs to be talked about more. I am an avoidant style man and my last relationship fell apart because I was very upfront and honest in asking if there were things I need to improve or to give me feedback on aspects of myself so I could make an effort to do better. Sadly my partner did not understand this thinking and stated that I was asking for her to "police" my habits. I thought something was wrong with me and I had done or said something wrong towards her but after understanding my personality more it was just as simple as our compatibility not being as smooth as we thought.
Thank you for sharing your experience. It's commendable that you were proactive in seeking feedback and wanting to improve. What insights have you gained about yourself and what qualities are you looking for in future relationships to ensure better compatibility?
I love this. You just proved 90% of the comment section wrong.
They keep whining about DAs, who aren't even trying and won't do anything constructive to meet their partners halfway, but in your case you seriously tried to improve for your partner and openly asked for advice what to do... and that wasn't to their liking either 🤣🤣🤣
You can't please these people. I've tried.
I also have narcs and borderliners in the family, so those are the monsters, that I constantly attract.
I figured it would be smarter to give up on relationships (for me; not giving you advice here). I just kept running into narcs, whether I went with their love bombing or actively tried to avoid it by only dating people, who were calm, collected and not overly invested.
It turns out that narcs just adapt and play it cool, when love bombing doesn't work 🙄
You’ve helped me understand my avoidant ex so well. So much compassion to him even though I need to distance myself in no contact right now to heal. He gaslit me and was so defensive thought everything was an attack, couldn’t handle any emotion or work together as a team. He used to refer to himself as a “sea anemone” when it got “poked” it would close off and would take a while to open back up.
I see a lot of people say don’t waste your time with an avoidant. And maybe I can’t handle being with one… I love him and his kids so much but it is exhausting.
We’ve been reconnecting over text and have had to communicate due to a financial immeshment we’re untangling. But your videos have helped me communicate with him and he’s being flirty and bringing up some of his feelings and nostalgic moments and memories. I’m staying very strong and short and giving space. Honestly not sure if I want to get back together or not but the fantasy of the future I thought we could have together still has me holding on but I know it would be a lot of work and patience.
It sounds like you've gained a lot of insight and understanding from your experience, which is commendable. Navigating a relationship with an avoidant partner can be incredibly challenging, especially when there's a mix of love and frustration. What aspects would you want to work on if you were to decide to reconnect?
I had a crush on someone in college I believe had a dismissive avoidant personality from what I know now was severe childhood emotional trauma. Intermittently dated 3 years and gave up, couldn't do it anymore. I just shut off all contact. That was 40 years ago. I moved on but think about her all the time with "what if." I reached out en route to a reunion just to say hi. She briefly chatted then ghosted me. Some things never change.
It sounds like this unresolved connection has lingered with you for a long time. What can you do to move forward from this unresolved connection?
If you find yourself dwelling on the past excessively, please feel free to reach out to me through support@adamlanesmith.com - I'd be happy to help!
Oh my god. All my life I told myself that love wasn’t for me and that I’ll be alone forever and be happy that way. But what you just described sounds EXACTLY what I would look for in a partner. Maybe I’m looking for a different type of love. You just blew my mind.
It sounds like you might have been holding onto a belief about love that no longer serves you, and I'm glad this video resonated with you in such a profound way! What are your expectations from love and relationships in general?
You love them from a distance. Meaning, go live your best life with someone who isn’t an avoidant. Life is too short and there are way too many secure people out there to waste your time with someone who is too messed up.
It sounds like you've been through a frustrating avoidant partner which caused you to believe they're 'too messed up'. Is that something you'd like to share?
@Alixir1228Secure attachment style here, what do you say, we go out?
This video was so helpful, I watched it twice and took notes the second time
Thank you for your video!
I do realize that not only I'm an avoidant man.
I'm also stuck into a counter-dependent energy (I don't need you or your love) which is the opposite from dependency and codepedency (the rescuer)
A good book about it is :
The Flight from Intimacy - Healing your relationship of counter-dependency
Hahahaha YES. This resonates and makes the most sense of any avoidant attachment video I’ve watched. And I literally laughed when you said we would be. Love the knowledge & humor mix. Straight forward and super helpful. Thank you. I’m 1000% fluffy unicorn lover. I now know I need to add in more risk assessment! He said to me “what do you want from me?? Why do you like me so much??” And to me, I was like the fuck do you mean?! I want it all! But THIS is the definition. He quite literally logically doesn’t have a puzzle piece to line that up with internally. Makes so much sense.
Thank you! I'm thrilled that it resonates with you. Humor can make learning about attachment styles more relatable!
SPOT ON!!! THIS IS ME LOL!!! AND WHAT I NEED.....planting seeds with my wife
Happy to hear this resonates and that you found it helpful! Which part stood out the most to you?
@@AttachmentAdam the whole chemistry explanation was very freeing. (i'm not so crazy) to know that i cant help it !? that doesnt mean i cant and wont change but i cant give myself more grace and mercy than i do with the negative self talk and start to heal. My wife is a nurse and when i showed her a couple of your vids she was able to understand me better. I feel bad that i have to be "that guy" that is difficult to deal with and have to be approached in a way I will receive but everyone is like that to some degree i guess... but you've defined for me why i am that way. I have shared with my wife that there was a lack of comprehension on my part as to what my responses "should be" somedays when she is being loving or kind to me and i dont know how to act. I didnt experience that in my childhood or my first marriage ( a marriage counselor said " I married my mother" ugh! ... so thank you for explaining that to bring me some peace and freedom... dave
Omg soo much it overwhelmes me. 😢
Avoidants are VERY risk adverse. With some, I’ve been able to answer all the questions and mitigate risks. With others, it turns into a big feedback loop. Some avoidants are so concerned about risk, they will keep coming up with risk after risk. And no life decision is without risk. If you have most of the information (75% or more) and feel good over all, then we have to take a chance of faith. If someone needs to eliminate all the risk and have a situation be 100% risk free, it may be a loosing battle. We can end up wasting precious years of time with people who need all the risk eliminated all the time.
Sometimes I feel like I was anxious, pivoted to avoidant, then back to anxious.
@@taylorbee4010 fearful-avoidant, anxious-avoidant, disorganized, the name is a disorganized as the attatchment styke
"We can end up wasting precious years of time with people who need all the risk eliminated all the time." So true
Wow. This spot on describes me better than I could have. Thank you. I’m going to share it with my girlfriend.
I'm glad to hear that it resonated with you! Sharing this with your girlfriend can help open up valuable conversations. How do you think she'll respond to this?
I really love the way you explain things! You make things that don’t make sense make sense. You’re so good 👍
Thank you so much! I'm glad I can help make things clearer for you. 🙏
Brilliant discussion
Excellent Analysis
Thank you Sir
I agree!!
I love your work, and I always love listening to you Adam
Thank you
Thanks Adam you have changed my life for the better since I started listening to you
well said!!!
Wow this was incredibly smart and insightful
Is their love language, yes that's it! Its working already Adam. Your advice works fast!
That's fantastic to hear! I'm so glad to know the advice is making a positive impact so quickly. What changes have you noticed so far?
@@AttachmentAdam Changes I've noticed so far are;
When I communicate in a more fact based manner and less emotional way, the seemingly avoidant people around me appear to instantly relax and become open to communicative exchange rather than an almost always defensive manner that I noticed prior and yet no amount of 'normal' relaxation techniques would work on these people (I'm a host by nature and profession so I genuinly want my guests to be comfortable, whether in my home or at an event).
With neurodivergance, trauma, attachments etc; we all respond differently to well, everything! The more we learn about each other; the better!
Since the algorithm appeared one of your videos to me; I immediately began to apply your recommended communication styles to my friends and associates and it works immediately! Yes it takes some effort but assuming part responsibility in helping these people open up is a key factor in repairing and building certain relationships that may have been deemed unworkable and yet necessary such as family, colleagues etc.
Thank you Adam, your work is immeasurable now but it will become measurable in time, I'm sure! 🙏
This guy is good, you have a new subscriber sir
Will walk the journey. Hope it continues working. Thank you Adam🎉🎉
Happy to help! Feel free to reach out any time if you need an extra push or advice.
As a woman with the history of being a avoidant, I can relate to some of this. I think one thing that is especially important to *women* who are avoidant, is just trusting that their autonomy is not going to be taken away. Independence is something that I think most women are more likely to have challenged than men. Of course I want love and intimacy, but the risk with love and intimacy is losing my autonomy. So I need to know that a person respects my independence before I get close to them. I am very fortunate to have that kind of love in my life. I would not consider myself an avoidant person now, because in my current situation I am very open intimacy and connection.
Don't worry you'll find yourself triggered by some anxious person one day
@@alanrodriguez210 oh dear, typical anxious type who cannot focus on themselves spreading hate on the very same type it's desperately attracted towards . Your comments against avoidants are all over the place my friend can you not see the irony 😂
Thank you. Very helpful. ❤
Toxicity is contagious. Run!!!
Professional love, I call it. Totally understand this and I like it. My type of love. Like doing a contract.
Love that!
While I believe what you say will work, if an anxious makes ONE slip wanting connection, it’s too much of a process to get back to square one w the avoidant. No thanks I’ll stay single.
I hear you. All relationships take work and time to build trust though, and the rewards are worth it. Do you constantly find yourself attracting avoidant partners?
@@AttachmentAdam the last 2 LTR's yes. I've gone into therapy since (2021) to get to the root cause and am working through it. I see where faults are on both sides. I'll still choose to not be with avoidant women though. Your videos break down the information well.
7:36 logical and upfront confrontation for intimacy. And Ally who came to work with him and ask for input 10:07 you need to make things clear w them, so that they don’t feel pressure and at risk. Over communication.
10:52 addressing needs once they come up, they do have needs even tho they don’t think they do.
12:20 double analysis of issues ❤
Speak slow
13:45 logical, this is the issue I can do this and you can do this, let’s try it. ❤
Thank you for taking the time to write these out!
So do you need to become their therapists...?
The best most practical video and solution I've ever seen on avoidant attachment and I'm sure avoidants would love to start their self reflection journey with this video..(it's not that simple though,only a few take the ownership and have the courage/decide to change,not because they want to change for their woman/man but because the motivation is intrinsic and they want to become a better person within themselves.)
You're absolutely right that while self-reflection is crucial for personal growth, the motivation to change often stems from an intrinsic desire for improvement rather than external pressures. What specific elements of the video have you found to be most helpful and practical?
Well... It seems the same traits ppl get chosen by an avoidant end up being the same reasons for their resentment. So, thier partners should just turn into robots and logically justify their status in their avoidant partners life. But they were "chosen" because they are warm, fuzzy and loving, they got that warmth avoidants really crave deep down. But to "earn" avoidants trust (trust they didn't break) they have to become someone else. Avoidants love is meat shop for unicorns hearts. Run the f... away if they refuse therapy.
Anxious don't run tho, they go on a marathon obsessing over avoidants even more and indulging into what they do best, dismiss themselves and over focus on someone else.
@@sunbeam9222 I believe in adressing the reality directly. A lot of our contemporary culture is focused on celebrating "avoidant" traits disregarding how strong relationships increase our chances of survival. Something that was evident througout history now needs to be repeated over and over. Anxious don't run because they keep doubting themselves because culture says one thing and they feel the other. They are right. Being alone sucks. Being alone and in a relationship sucks the most. You ain't crazy, this culture is.
Yep.. I did !!!
Knowing about vasopressin bonding from your videos is really helpful.
Thank you for this video.
~DA
Glad it was helpful ❤️
Great video for we avoidants, too!
I'm listening to you with my mouth open.
Are you avoident or do you love someone avoident?
Thank you! Glad you're finding it engaging.
With my husband, he always said that my hugs and kisses in the morning wasn’t real that I was in mania stage of my adhd, now I get it!!
Happy to hear this helped you gain some clarity and understanding. How are you going to move forward with this new insight?
I've realised that I am an avoidant that gives unicorn love, but when I have had someone try to give that to me, it freaks me out and makes me run.
I feel weird about people trying to look out for me and give to me because I feel the fear of being beholden or having expectation of it happening again or people becoming attached to me, then causing me to get attached to them only to potentially let me down or betray me in the future.
I'm now in love with an avoidant and was trying to find research on how to approach them better, you've helped me to realise I'm more or less the same in terms of how I view the idea of receiving love!
It's great that you're gaining self-awareness. Understanding our own attachment styles is also a big step towards healthier relationships. I would recommend the How To Love An Avoidant Man video course (link attached in video description), as it offers all the information and strategies you need.
Thank you Adam for yet another clear and humourous edition to our learning. The mire i listen, the more my communication style changes and like another commenter said; my relationships with everyone are improving because many peoppe i know have avoidant tendencies .... it explains SOOOOO MUCH about people!
I do have the patience and they are worth it.
Relationships and people are the most valuable assets we have 🙏
Thank you, Rayna! It's wonderful to hear that the content is improving your relationships. 🙏
I am dating an avoidant long distance and don't know how to bond with him being so far away. I am also avoidant but have been working on myself and am becoming more secure over time. There are times when I feel like we have some head way in our relationship building but he has said the distance is an issue because he feels he needs to be physically near being able to spend more time in person and have quality time. Your videos really help thank you. If you have any tips on long distance relationship building that would be really appreciated.
Adam, I would love for you to talk to my estranged partner (also named Adam). You are so spot on. Thanks for helping me to understand him better.
lol when i would spend the day at my ex's place, he would occasionally come over to where i was sitting and wrap his arms around me. it always caught me so off guard and felt so weird and uncomfortable. like i could not wrap my mind around what was going on. i could never enjoy it, and i never thought about doing the same for him. your descriptions of avoidants are spot on, lol
Thanks for sharing your experience! It's amazing how accurately these descriptions can resonate!
There is no right or wrong answer here. Everyone has their own unique set of circumstances. While I agree, sacrificing yourself to save someone else can be destructive, there are certain circumstances where it’s worth the fight to fix a situation. It’s important we use our discernment to weigh the pros and cons of each situation before making the decision on when to cut our losses. Definitely a tough call which is up to us individually. Adam’s advice was eye opening for me and tactics are easy enough to try if you have a partner who is open and willing to change. Let’s stay positive everyone!!! ❤😅
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. It's true that every situation is unique, and using discernment is crucial. I'm glad to hear that my advice has been eye-opening for you. What specific tactics have you found most effective in your relationship?
Such an excellent explaination of the avoidant personality. Explains so much about myself that I didn't understand. The need for dopamine and collection of resources were parts of the picture that didn't make sense to me. My main source of oxytocin is from my dogs. They are fantastic at this, humans no so much. I've always loved adventure, and 15 years ago discovered the ultimate avoidant dopamine source; single-hand ocean sailing.
It's like walking on eggshells all the time. Wouldn't it be better for the avoidant person to have therapy?
The problem is that therapy could be counterproductive for avoidants because they have trouble sharing vulnerabilities and the fact that therapy isn't solution-focused. Of course, the ultimate goal is for both partners to become more secure.
What makes it feel like walking on eggshells?
@@AttachmentAdamCan I answer? At the hint of any talk of feelings, he goes into a freeze response.
This is the most accurate description of my ex bf. When i finally had enough of him, i really thought he was insane and broke up with him. For me love and intimacy comes so easy and natural. After i learned about his issues in therapy, i really felt sorry for him. I realised how lucky i am that i had great loving parents, and that's the only difference that makes me feel good and he is struggling so bad, in a never ending search of things and activities, to make him feel something.. so sad
That's a very mature perspective you have on your ex. It sounds like you've gained valuable insights about attachment styles and their impact on relationships. It's also great that you recognize the positive impact of your own upbringing.
Have you considered creating a list of "must-haves" in a future partner to ensure better compatibility?
Be consistent. Be fair. Secure the intamacy bond. ❤
Absolutely! Consistency and fairness are key to maintaining a strong intimacy bond. ❤
You're on Fire with this Adam!
Succinct...Jam packed with Helpful How to's..
Delivered with Humour...
Pure Gold!
I don't have the funds for your course...so I'm v v grateful for the Awesome free content!
🌟🎉🙏🌈🙏🎉🌟
Thank you so much! I'm glad the content is helpful to you. If you ever have questions feel free to reach out!❤🙏
How about if he shuts down barely talks to you and doesn't respond for weeks or months how to have these conversations ?
Leave if he won't get help communicating. I stayed 20 years and the quietness is getting worse sadly.
This is a fair assessment
Your avoidant partner would never put this much effort into understanding your needs 😢
Well said!
In my "How to Love an Avoidant Man" course, I delve into strategies to navigate these challenges and foster a healthier connection with your avoidant. If you're interested, you can learn more about it: adamlanesmith.com/attachment-courses/how-to-love-an-avoidant-man/
I'm sorry that we're like this. Maybe introducing the attachment styles will be a good first step. I ruing the most important relationship to me and now my ex wife is marrying a amazing guy and starting their family.
I wish I had known that THIS was wrong with me. Its VERY easy for us to just label ourselves broken and not do any more work beyond that. I'm so sorry we're like this.
Avoidant partners are fine with you doing stuff for them to make their life easier, they couldn’t care less what you want/need.
@@TheGalilee416 I'm sorry that we made you feel that way. We're sorry that we have taken your love and care for granted. I can say with confidence that if I knew about attachment types I would have gone beyond "There just something wrong with me". I promise we don't want to be like this. We really really don't. I'm so sorry for everything.
Very good insight. But why would you so much effort into someone who don't reciprocate that effort at all?
There are a tremendous number of avoidant partners who definitely do get that, and those are the ones to focus on.
Perhaps this is why CEO’s fall in love with their secretaries.
This is actually a key component of why. Working together closely and achieving goals and projects is a huge piece of that bonding. That’s also the masculine and feminine dynamic, one driving achiever with a powerful supporter behind them. So if the CEO doesn’t have a strong marriage bond happening at home, it’s very easy to slip into a romantic connection with the secretary. I see this happening all the time with executive clients who come in following a sudden affair with a secretary and trying to figure out why it happened and what to do about it.
Most intelligent ideas, thoughts & suggestions I've ever heard regarding my situation w/my avoidant X BF! I now have ideas for a new approach! TY Louisville Kentucky
I'm really glad to hear that they resonated with you and sparked new ideas! What's one approach or idea you’re thinking about trying?
Wow. This seems like a lot of work and catering. I mean, most of us have had hard times, trauma, and we have issues. But, if you try to stay with someone who's this damaged, and frankly, self-centered, you better be prepared to make your relationship your full time job. What about your real job, your family, your kids, maybe some time to take care of yourself once in a while? You'd have no time or energy for anything else!
if you don't think they're worth it, then don't. where problem?
In my experience, it's worth a try. If he's willing to meet some of your measurable goals you both might feel better. The few things I've tried with my avoidant partner have made me a believer.
@@changingwoman1494 good to know
I doesn't sound like a lot of time, it is just walking around on eggshells, which is hard. The issue I have is the risk of them leaving after investing in them. That flight risk is a big issue to me. If I'm investing in a company, I don't want them to take my money and run, which is really really common problem when you are dealing with men both in business and the dating world.
Its not worth it. Men are rarely worth it.
AWESOME!! Wow....Brilliant. will listen over and over......🎉
i have to say, we have had one or two moments of relaxation, and trust. I have been patient, and decided I want to work this out. I needed this helpful explanation. Regardless of what may happen...to better understand another human you have cared about is worth it. Grateful to find you!!🎉
Grateful to have you here. I'm happy to hear this video has brought some clarity and that it resonates. Was there a specific point that stood out to you?