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Adam, you are an amazing coach!!! Love you! ❤ 1. Spoke intimate preferency and groom him, direct him, don't be a dead fish or an hamburger, be active, touchy feely a lot 2. Be a drunken octopus searching for car keys 3. Pull him in and snuggle or rest him on you- the after care ❤
1. I don't like that. 2. + 3. Men don't like that. Around the year 1900 married women in my country had sex every day (according to gynaecological surveys), but only for about 10 minutes, in the dark, under the blanket, wearing big linen nightshirts. No crazy p0rn sh1t, no acrobatics, no squealing like an asthmatic piglet about to die. I'm the quiet type, I would be fine with that. I'm absolutely not fine with a 3 hour fetish orgy, that leaves my sheets encrusted with peanut butter and bodily fluids on the ceiling. No, thanks. If the dead fish isn't good enough, move along (and I know it isn't, so I quit).
This is the most emotional, powerful and goal oriented video in the channel. No wonder your main goal on your career can be measured not by the continuous therapy sessions but by the number of clients/patients you dont see anymore. Thank you again and God bless.
These are all great suggestions. And I have been studying tantra and sacred sexuality for over 20 years. At this point and in my last relationship with my ex-boyfriend, I did all of these things that you suggested. It still wasn't enough to actually create a secure relationship with my ex-boyfriend because his avoidant programming was so deep and so comprehensive, that he did everything in his power to subconsciously sabotage the relationship. He's just simply not relationship oriented. But we were mind-blowing lovers together. The best ever. It's really sad.
@@GotoworkkkNo, it’s that sex doesn’t *fix* anything. This whole post is surprisingly misguided, especially from a coach who attends traditional Latin mass with his wife. What would she say to this advice?!
I myself am VERY active during sex, would take initiative and take the lead. Do all the "motherly" touches (back rubbing, holding on my chest, ...). It would push my avoidant ex into a full blown panic attack... then push me even farther away. Because, "oh no, all those feelings". So no, I'm not a big believer in "sexual healing" (for at least an avoidant)
So this is why we have an emotional attachment. I’m a wild beast in the bed. I’m always all over him. 😂 I talk back in the bed too. This is powerful. He never wanted to cuddle afterwards but this past week he cuddled with me. Wow! Amazing!
You are pretty much narrating play-by-play the only time I've fallen in love with. This was back in 08'. There is not a single day in my life I go by without questioning my decision not to be her side hustle. Thank you, again, Mr Smith for sharing the content and allowing this comment.
I can relate. To experience a thing one never had the opportunity to experience before leads to quite a change in one's own approach and stand in regard to relationships. But you made the right call. Yes, you had the opportunity to feel those chemicals - but you also felt the chemicals of not being loved to the full extend (as she was not free). Sometimes, we can concentrate on those feelings more if the other person is avoident/ or not free. Because we have no pressure there. The point is: when you are in a secure relationship, you have to weigh in a thousend other relational issues at a time. So, it's not THAT experience, it's not THAT mind- blowing. BUT: A secure relationship fills your cup over time - and you can trust to experience right this feeling (that you had back than) not with that emphasis, but in peace.
I used to do this happily and intuitively with my husband. We had a good relationship. When you marry a sex addicted person unknowingly. As soon as an illness comes up or there is separation due to babies or travel or exhaustion or whatever happens through the course of our modern complicated lives, he will make excuses to find serial experiences elsewhere while gaslighted you into feeling that it's your fault. Like he said. Make sure you are healthy emotionally but make sure he is too. I can't stress that enough. I don't know how you can know but the way we do dating today makes it extremely hard.
@@AspenCreekFarms I've once dated a guy like that, I think one way you can tell is the sexual organ sensitivity, if it's not sensitive at all (you can use teeth etc.) and if he takes a very long time if at all to climax, it is very likely an indication of excessive use of porn
@@susmatejaPlease clarify "if at all"? I am confused. Are you saying a man who takes a long time or doesn't reach climax could be addicted to porn? Or the contrary? Someone who is very fast? Thank you.
@espiritualidadetarot3779 because there is a thing called desensitisation (look it up) and sometimes also they have to be stimulated a certain way to reach the climax (the one they are using by themselves - if the addiction was developed early on). Maybe doesn't apply to everyone, but it sure does seem to apply to many
You are Funny 😂🤗😜 And it all sounds so spot on... I'm putting it all to practice right away... we had a first try at a relationship 2 years ago, and I left him because I was very frustrated.. but with Time I've come to learn more about his type, and this new round is going soooo much better... it's so rewarding to see Him smile while his walls are crumbling... ❤ Let's do Magic 🎩 🔥😍
Ladies save your sex for emotionally available and successful men. You are not a therapist of men. When you allow such men into your space. You open yourself to endless trauma.
That’s my fear hearing this He will keep being avoidant to me unless I open up even more in a sexual way After having been sexually abused assaulted and raped thru my life Scary
A healthy, secure, loving woman will be more active in finding a partner who can love her even when she's not performing and trying really really really hard to make him bond and not treat her like food. What about the nights that she just wants to make love? What about the times she needs him to be the rock in the relationship because she needs support? What about when she's in fight or flight and needs to feel safe? What about her Adam? What about her?
Its bullshit - why are women even listening to a man trying to tell them how pull a man ! hahahha its ridiculous, we are the attractor - the receiver. Also no man needs help ! they make their own decisions !
@@Snazzybeat1 this isn't about pulling a man. 🤦♀️ This is about love, the real thing, and caring enough about the avoidant man to help PULL HIM up from where he fell down, as a little boy, and learned to not trust people.
Yes, she's important too! Absolutely! But this particular video is still helpful to those women who find themselves already deep in a relationship with someone she later discovers is avoidant. If she is able to love him well enough and show him what that kind of love is, she can help him to heal his childhood wounds that created so much distrust of people and cause him to struggle with intimacy and emotions he doesn't know how to express YET. Yeah, obviously it's easier and more advisable to find a healthy partner, but honestly, we ALL have things we can improve. But if we end up loving someone who is broken a little worse than we are, doesn't mean they aren't worthy of love and worthy of being given at least a chance to start healing. If there's no sign of growth, then a person has to choose how much they're willing to give for this person and know when to cut their losses and move on. With these steps and enough love and patience, I really believe this can help an avoidant person find healing in their life and become a very loving partner. Mine is changing. It's been a long process though.
@@michali525 I heard them man talking about having the right sex to make an avoidant man stay - its a waste of time an unhealed man wont submit to you- if youre using tactics he knows your desperate need to heal him will feel like oppression- im sorry you dont want to hear it but you're co dependent. Youre broken with self esteem issues if thats what you feel you need to do
the only person pulling a man up is god, or a woman that is aligned with god - its no tactics like this, this is cult business , the man talking here thinks he has power over you and you cant see it
I wish I found you YEARS ago, before the dopamine crash! I have NO doubt I can help pull him out of the burnout with your ingenious approach. PLEASE tell me how this video is not VIRAL?! How are all of your videos not VIRAL?! You, sir, are a force to be reckoned with. I salute you!
Well, thank you very much! I’m glad you’re here now and that you’ve got this information. We just hit 100,000 subscribers here and I am so grateful for the huge support from this community. My mission is to help 1 billion people build secure attachment around the world, and we are all on that journey together, so let’s keep going! Glad to have you with us. ❤️
One thing that I'm trying to wrap my head around is this... Why would a woman want to draw an avoidant partner in closer? In my experience, giving them that oxytocin experience sets up their expectation that you will mother them. Next thing you know, you're the breadwinner and the homemaker and taking care of the kids while he's laying in bed jobless and gaming on a laptop all day. I think the things you're bringing up here are lovely things that every relationship should have. However, I feel like at this point in my life I'm just allergic to avoidants and feel like it's a waste of my time trying to engage then in what should be a secure relationship, not an avoidant one. I don't want to be in a relationship to fix a guy. I want to be in a relationship where both partners know and use accountability, responsibility, and balance between them on tasks they've created together as responsibilities such as building a home, raising kids, hobbies, life goals, growing individually and together as a team. It's such a struggle trying to do that with an avoidant, and women should feel like their partner is eagerly stepping up to tackle life WITH her, not just tagging along and engaging when his arm is twisted.
@@cherylnicole9578 he Said ethical avoidant. Maybe you won't attract an avoidant. Sometimes people are already in deep relationships prior to learning about attachment styles. That's why he shares this information.
YES!!! Even the title of this video is ridiculous--I do not want to have to "fix" my partner. How about a video explaining how an avoidant man can be a better lover? What can he do? Why must the onus be on the woman. Clearly I am not the target audience--I want a present and secure lover, not a home improvement project.
@@Tambrose0405 I agree. My partner is a very hard worker. Family is also the most important thing to him. How he shows up, is very different. He shows up, it's just not the way some people may think. He fixes everyone's cars. He picks them up, drops them off places, shows up for all the track meets, or sport events. Takes the kids to every doctor's appointment. He cooks your favorite meal. He remembers how you like to eat this or that. So they show up, just not with all the bells and whistles.
My ex would never talk about anything in the bedroom . I was his fourth wife and under stand why he couldn’t keep a wife. I was so unfulfilled and lonely . Yet he stayed with him longer and all the others , until I felt like I was dying.
1- Goal setting, achieve things together, be more active. 2- Physical Touch all over. 3- Pull him into rest on your chest. Let me hold you, let me give you some peace.
I have done all of this naturally and instinctually. It has been over a year and he still won’t meet up more often, keep in contact more or commit to me…
@Allforone0101 no issues at all, it’s good to hear your perspective on things. He has always said how attracted to me he is and about our chemistry and how he has ‘special trust’ with me. But..no real progress physically in terms of more meetups and comms. Emotionally he has opened up a hell of a lot more. We just go through these peaks and flows..
@@sadiedeville6884 These tips are great for any relationship; with a secure man too. A lot of bonding. I have always been a partner in problem solving and an octopus naturally, and I ask my partner to be like that too. I need to exchange a lot of physical touch to feel happy. Before, during, and afterwards. I love hugs, kisses, touching. I could never be with an unhealed avoidant I guess. I don't think I would like it. A secure partner made me very secure too. I used to be anxious. I guess our style may vary depending on our partner. I believe an avoidant would make me go back to anxious.
As an ambivalent anxious/avoidant myself . I’ve had the on and off relationship with an avoidant man for 6yrs. Despite me being a massage-therapist and doing all the acrobatic things with my hands/body. He still doesn’t seem to be interested in a relationship. He’s now gotten a new dog and a relative staying at his home. He did open up and finally said he’s not good as a partner and doesn’t want to disappoint me. That’s a huge step for him to actually admit. Unsure where to take that information and where we stand. We only speak every 3 to six months. It’s funny when Adam said to love them like a hurricane. I actually expressed that to him, “I would love you so incredibly hard your head would spin!” He just laughed
At this point you have to listen to what he is saying when he says he is a bad partner and he will disappoint you. This is exactly what he means and if you stay in this dynamic, it`s on you allowing that as well. He is not doing the work - he is aware and uses it as an excuse to continue with toxic cycle. This is as simple as it is.
@ I told him that. “So you place all the responsibility on the female partner that’s eager to work it out?!” He said “this is why I’m single” You are right at the moment I feel numb. This conversation happened this week. Oddly enough we don’t argue but we talk and listen to each other. In intimacy he’s so loving. How ironic to be so loving and then we are cold for weeks/months apart. When he doesn’t show me interest I too don’t show interest. I told him at the end of the”we are not so different you and I”
@@fembot521 I’m not “simpin” he was actually direct for the first time ever. I appreciate his effort & transparency. Now it’s on me to keep moving forward with my life.
@@mbarcco Maybe he is neurodivergent. He knows that there will be problems with houskeeping or other person triggers him. Maybe he has weird habits he is embarrassed to reveal to his partner. Maybe he is out of sight, out of mind person. Sounds like long distance relationship would be better for him.
Adam Lane Smith, I am not even kidding when I say to you that this has saved my relationship. I did not know what to do. I thought it was over. I had all the wrong thoughts. I have come so far in my understanding because of you and I absolutely love you. This is my natural way to interact and yet I felt restricted about it like it wouldn’t be welcome. Now I realize exactly the opposite.
Friendly reminder that “trying to “fix” someone” is not love. It’s actually the opposite of love. It’s you thinking they’re not good enough and thinking YOU are going to make him/her good enough. This is not respectful, or loving, or healthy. If you’re in a relationship with a person you feel like you need to “fix” ask yourself where you learnt this demeaning form of “love” and why (very important) why did you choose a person that “needs fixing” to be in a relationship with? I say this with much love ❤✨ Stay safe out there and remember, your happiness depends on loving and being loved with the freedom of being accepted for who you are 😘
@@peterharrell7305 Yay! Some emotional intelligence in the thread instead of defensive feminism. We heal IN relationships. Oxytocin heals. To heal is to reveice what what we never had.
@@elliegonzaleza Hi Ellie, your comment was very mindful. It’s a soul centered perspective. This is something I notice is missing in Adams approach. The soul, heart and spirit. It’s very transactional and chemistry oriented. It has great value but is incomplete. I love that he stresses the attachment as “styles” and doesn’t pathologize them. I used to be ‘fearful avoidant” many years ago and his analysis of chemistry helped me understand my behaviors better in hindsight. Ultimately this is a spiritual issue. Coming from divine LOVE into form and internalizing a disconnect of our SELF from that divine LOVE because we took in messages of not being good enough. I’ve done my work. I’m no longer avoidant and deeply love and am proud of who I’ve become and how I am in relationship. I’m in a twin flame relationship in which we have become catalysts for each others growth and I sent this to my flame and after reading your comment I added to my text that he doesn’t need “fixing” it’s that I like some of the things Adam said to try. ❤️😍
I don’t think he will let me hold him afterwards. He almost always jumps up to clean off/use the restroom. He barely kisses (2 seconds at most), no passionate kissing/tongue kissing, and never uses his hands/has foreplay. Oral? Imagine that. And I basically have to chase him for intimacy, which just makes me feel like I’m being a bother. I don’t even want to try anymore. I’ll be honest, he’s kind of the worst lover I’ve ever had and it all just feels like he’s just not into me. It’s made me super anxious, sad and lonely when I’m not even that kind of person, and I’m getting to the point where I’m trying to figure out how to turn my feelings off so, and gather my strength to figure out how to leave. For awhile I thought he just had someone else, but unless he’s the world’s sneakiest man, this is really just who he is. I love him to pieces but it’s just not enough and anytime I tried to ask about this, it gets twisted into, well sex isn’t that big a deal at our age, we both need to be our own king and queen with our own interests and not be needy, etc. I feel like I’m nothing more than an FWB and it kills me. I moved my whole life to be with him and buy a home together in another country - and for what? I feel like I’m involved in some strange business transaction here.
@ I have tried in the past and I get gaslit. “This is the way I kiss”, “sex isn’t that big a deal at our age”, etc. But he asks for back rubs and he falls asleep when I do. Maybe I’m just mommy? He also does the pulling away thing and I’m experienced enough to let him have his space and not make any fuss about it. Also, I’m very expressive in telling him how I feel and in trying to build him up, but I never get any sort of expression of emotions back. I think I may just cut that out - I feel stupid now and that maybe it’s making me look desperate. Yet a few times when we talked about buying property together he mentioned getting married. I can’t help but wonder if he just wants that as part of some twisted business arrangement to make sure he gets half of everything. My head is twisted and my friends are worried because they say I’m the most confident woman they know. But I just can’t get through to him. His culture is an ultra macho one and I think that adds to the issue on top of all the trauma in his life.
Stop seeing him. It makes you unhappy and prevents you from being available for a better potential partner. Don't do that to yourself. Do what you would tell your friends to do... ❤
This was awesome information. I did almost all of it unintentionally in a former fwb relationship. This makes me understand it better. There was definitely confusion on both sides. Thank you for sharing!
Sorry author, what is this bs. Doesn’t matter how you both enjoying sex and how much effort you put in it, he is emotionally unavailable. And that’s comes first. No amount of unforgettable sex will change him or change relationships dynamic if he is not ready to commit, be emotionally available, vulnerable, connected and ctr.
As an avoidant man, I can tell you, you have no idea what you're talking about. Women's incessant, ridiculous demands for emotional intimacy kills relationships. That's not a thing. And if you try to do that, you'll get traumatized when someone cheats on you. And they will. 70% of relationships experience infidelity one way or another. What the video shows is completely accurate.
Dude you are on fire with this one 😂🔥 Thanks for that..I hear you and am on it (recovering avoidant/ closer to secure now) female dating a good avoidant man
This works for me as an avoident woman. I can really relax that way. And part of it I did right with my (even more avoident) ex. He wanted it to last more than I did back then. Reminds me of how good these chemicals are - I miss it - but there was also a lot of pain (and pain chemicals, too) due to the dysfunctional behaviours of us two.
I’m going to try this! I’ve done the goal setting & accomplishing already which has provided significant results but I will try the other two tips. Thank you for a great video. You always post wonderful content but this one was so candidly funny, positive, powerful and inspiring! Thank you so much!!! I value you and the work you do and kindly share here!
I am just now getting to where I am Emotionally regulating on my own. I am going to try this with my DA but I am not going to try and force things!! I’m here for whatever happens
Great topic, Adam!!! We're in a more stressful than usual time, and the bedroom activities have raised some issues for my partner. I see this advice as a current "balm" that may bring us through "stuff" stronger. 😊
Thank you so much for watching and I’ll make sure I will be doing many parts of these videos so please let me know which topic do you need me to talk specifically on?
@ ❤️❤️❤️ Thank you! I will be passing that video out to several of my friends as I usually do with all of your videos. I hope that you will have millions of followers soon! The US public really doesn’t know about this issue and you are making it crystal clear for us.
@@HagJules It's not about sex. It's about finding a way to increase Oxytocin levels. With Secure attachers, sex would be a big part but I suspect that is not the case with Avoidant women.
What if he doesn't want sex in the first place? What if he says he's too stressed out and in survival mode to even think about sex? Yet he had an affair?
The affair wasn't about sex. It was about being wanted, desired. It was fight or flight. It's the brain's way to escape. He needs to heal himself. IF he does all he needs to do, it'll take years and years and years. They say that on average, it takes 5 years to a couple to heal from an affair if both people do things right from day 1.
Great! Now I aim to help 10 avoidant men bond with me whether they want to or not. (lol just being silly) I learned a lot today. Thank you very much for your videos. Are there any videos about how to bond when an avoidant man is angry with me?
Tried this. My ex would not do anything i wanted. He liked to control the direction of everything exactly how he wanted. He didn't even want to kiss deeply. I think the guy has to be receptive.
This is my way of making love naturally. My avoidant and I would sleep in an embrace the entire night but then he ran and turned me, a secure to a majorly anxious. We still haven’t gotten back together. 😢
Many people are in relationships already with avoidant people and are looking to fix the dynamic (if the avoidant person is healthy enough to do this work)
Great deal of work? Boatload of fun! This is my natural way to be intimate with someone. Nobody’s a mindreader so just tell them what you like. It’s fun actually. I stimulate my partner to do the same. Plus I have been called an octopus on something before because I get involved with my whole body. Expect some scratches and teethmarks afterwards, they will be there. Now I’m fairly new here so this last one made me laugh a little. What’s better than having them stay on top of me, head on my chest and just listen to their breathing while I’m almost wrapped around them. I thought that was just me enjoying that so much. Good to know 😁
@ gotta find a man first I seem to avoid them they never ask me out I’m super friendly and kind and a bit in ya face but I’m assertive lol trying to be more feminine as I age and I seem to attract younger men who are so hot and cold !! Relationships are hard
Girls, please respect yourself. Don’t engage in a relationship with someone who is emotionally unavailable. It is not your job to literally fight for someone’s attention and crave their love. You just deserve it and don’t have to put this massive effort in it. Believe me, someday you find a MAN who will treat you right and you will understand that it was so pointless to lay your feelings in avoidant boys. Fingers crossed for you 🤞🏼
🐙 be a drunk octopus looking for its car keys 🔑 😂 still chortling. Two anxious 60+ avoidants here. Would be great to have you address this pattern and loving sex for mature audience who strugglebus with these same issues. YES we like being physical as well!! However, being 'intimate' is a different experience altogether, communication is essential as much more vulnerability is involved. Thank you Adam!
I have been celibate for decades. I met a man who's overseas, online, and we've been "together" near 7 years. In person, after 2 yrs chatting, I was shy and felt awkward and we didn't have sex. Since then we've been together twice but now he won't try again. I know I need to be more aggressive but afraid. He can be a bit stoic. We're both over 50 and it's a different ballgame. We actually bond in a video game now. Lifelong friends, I do believe. Thank you. P.S. If you don't use it you lose it, so thumbs down on celibacy.
It’s usually the novelty dopamine which falls off a cliff at about 5 to 7 months. It’s because they don’t know how to oxytocin bond deeper and they’ve never really had that experience, so they don’t know what to contrast their dopamine binges with. It’s something that does need to be fixed in relationship with another human being, but they also have to be aware of it so they aren’t out there breaking anybody’s heart. So yes, staying single until a person is willing to face their fears and overcome this problem is a good idea.
Imagine a therapist saying most women are having sex wrong. It’s all our fault ladies! lol. 😂 What if I were to tell you I did all this unknowingly; I just loved him so much and enjoy love making with him. After a few years; he got lazy and hidden addictions kept him from having a shared experience and went solo. Despite my continuing giving. What if I were to tell you it’s all about him; his needs and doesn’t give a crap about mine? Hmmmmm maybe sometimes the avoidant men are doing it wrong. Not most like you say most women. Some men. Seriously? 😒
I agree. I feel like many women, if not most, already do that intuitively. Does it change anything? To some extent. But will it save relationship with avoidant...............
Yes, every constructive criticism towards women means that IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT. And Adam obviously means the avoidants never do anything wrong. 😃 I think you need help if that is what you got from this video.
This is what iquestion, like do you need to keep doing this every time to continue having his oxytocin bonding..I mean at some point these men really need to realize they are the problem and they need to fix themselves
Yeah! It’s him that’s making you anxious if you’ve never been anxious before! It’s your body’s way of telling you something isn’t right but your brain won’t accept it, people will say you must have had anxious tendencies before but from my experience it’s bs, iv never had anxiety in my life until I met my avoidant ex!
I'm curious, I'm a man from a long abused relationship. It was 4 years ago. I stayed away from relationships until I met that the special someone a weeks ago. I've been raised extremely conservative and I'm afraid to refrain from a physical connection but also afraid that my past with will completely be miss everything...😅
My understanding of the "conscious relationship" concept of Harville Hendrix is that both partners are working together and a relationship counselor is assisting the therapeutic process. With that commitment and awareness of both partners, I can see hope of it working. To get to that point may require some preliminary deep individual inner work.
I did this (automatically, without trying to fix or „bond“ him to me..) yet he still ghosted me after a few months of being in a relationship..even if he repeatedly told me he has never felt like this about anyone and that he wanted to marry me (this was obviously not just sex related)..we have also known each other for 7 years, just to give you a bit of context..I just never thought he would vanish out of my life like this, without giving me so much as an explanation 😔 You are right though about the wanting to get up straight after sex..I didn’t even realise that was a thing or maybe I‘ve just never been with an avoidant before 🤷🏻♀️ PS thank you for your educational videos ❤
Anxious people are needy..... and here is a 100 pages instructions of how to be with an avoidant, so easy! ... but make one wrong move and say goodbye to the love of your life. Avoidants - we are not the needy ones...
How about the DA’s who aren’t really receptive to physical intimacy because it’s too vulnerable? Or, the one’s who are so addicted to porn they have ED? It’s difficult to be an octopus with a piece of spaghetti. Talk about this more in depth!
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I’ve been with emotionally avoidant men then I did some healing and realized I deserved an emotionally present and mature man. I’ll never go back.
Good luck!
Adam, you are an amazing coach!!! Love you! ❤
1. Spoke intimate preferency and groom him, direct him, don't be a dead fish or an hamburger, be active, touchy feely a lot
2. Be a drunken octopus searching for car keys
3. Pull him in and snuggle or rest him on you- the after care ❤
Lol Love it!!
1. I don't like that.
2. + 3. Men don't like that.
Around the year 1900 married women in my country had sex every day (according to gynaecological surveys), but only for about 10 minutes, in the dark, under the blanket, wearing big linen nightshirts. No crazy p0rn sh1t, no acrobatics, no squealing like an asthmatic piglet about to die.
I'm the quiet type, I would be fine with that. I'm absolutely not fine with a 3 hour fetish orgy, that leaves my sheets encrusted with peanut butter and bodily fluids on the ceiling. No, thanks.
If the dead fish isn't good enough, move along (and I know it isn't, so I quit).
@@edithamaliaioo2228 you forget be his peace
😆😅🤣
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 hilarious but helpful
This is the most emotional, powerful and goal oriented video in the channel. No wonder your main goal on your career can be measured not by the continuous therapy sessions but by the number of clients/patients you dont see anymore. Thank you again and God bless.
These are all great suggestions. And I have been studying tantra and sacred sexuality for over 20 years. At this point and in my last relationship with my ex-boyfriend, I did all of these things that you suggested. It still wasn't enough to actually create a secure relationship with my ex-boyfriend because his avoidant programming was so deep and so comprehensive, that he did everything in his power to subconsciously sabotage the relationship. He's just simply not relationship oriented. But we were mind-blowing lovers together. The best ever. It's really sad.
You’re being too technical about this. That’s why he probably left you.
@Gotoworkkk 😆
Ugh 😩 I know it’s like the have the perfect free coaching yet they can’t take a bit of advice 😢
@@GotoworkkkNo, it’s that sex doesn’t *fix* anything. This whole post is surprisingly misguided, especially from a coach who attends traditional Latin mass with his wife. What would she say to this advice?!
I myself am VERY active during sex, would take initiative and take the lead. Do all the "motherly" touches (back rubbing, holding on my chest, ...). It would push my avoidant ex into a full blown panic attack... then push me even farther away. Because, "oh no, all those feelings". So no, I'm not a big believer in "sexual healing" (for at least an avoidant)
Thank you for this!
So this is why we have an emotional attachment. I’m a wild beast in the bed. I’m always all over him. 😂 I talk back in the bed too. This is powerful. He never wanted to cuddle afterwards but this past week he cuddled with me. Wow! Amazing!
You are pretty much narrating play-by-play the only time I've fallen in love with. This was back in 08'. There is not a single day in my life I go by without questioning my decision not to be her side hustle. Thank you, again, Mr Smith for sharing the content and allowing this comment.
I can relate. To experience a thing one never had the opportunity to experience before leads to quite a change in one's own approach and stand in regard to relationships.
But you made the right call.
Yes, you had the opportunity to feel those chemicals - but you also felt the chemicals of not being loved to the full extend (as she was not free).
Sometimes, we can concentrate on those feelings more if the other person is avoident/ or not free. Because we have no pressure there.
The point is: when you are in a secure relationship, you have to weigh in a thousend other relational issues at a time. So, it's not THAT experience, it's not THAT mind- blowing.
BUT: A secure relationship fills your cup over time - and you can trust to experience right this feeling (that you had back than) not with that emphasis, but in peace.
I used to do this happily and intuitively with my husband. We had a good relationship. When you marry a sex addicted person unknowingly. As soon as an illness comes up or there is separation due to babies or travel or exhaustion or whatever happens through the course of our modern complicated lives, he will make excuses to find serial experiences elsewhere while gaslighted you into feeling that it's your fault. Like he said. Make sure you are healthy emotionally but make sure he is too. I can't stress that enough. I don't know how you can know but the way we do dating today makes it extremely hard.
@@AspenCreekFarms I've once dated a guy like that, I think one way you can tell is the sexual organ sensitivity, if it's not sensitive at all (you can use teeth etc.) and if he takes a very long time if at all to climax, it is very likely an indication of excessive use of porn
@@susmatejaPlease clarify "if at all"? I am confused. Are you saying a man who takes a long time or doesn't reach climax could be addicted to porn? Or the contrary? Someone who is very fast?
Thank you.
@@espiritualidadetarot3779 "If at all" as in the guy doesn't climax, yeah.
Or prostate problems @@susmateja
@espiritualidadetarot3779 because there is a thing called desensitisation (look it up) and sometimes also they have to be stimulated a certain way to reach the climax (the one they are using by themselves - if the addiction was developed early on). Maybe doesn't apply to everyone, but it sure does seem to apply to many
The moment he bonds with me even though I'm doing exactly these - he withdraws
You are Funny 😂🤗😜 And it all sounds so spot on... I'm putting it all to practice right away... we had a first try at a relationship 2 years ago, and I left him because I was very frustrated.. but with Time I've come to learn more about his type, and this new round is going soooo much better... it's so rewarding to see Him smile while his walls are crumbling... ❤ Let's do Magic 🎩 🔥😍
I see actual magic happening there and I’m so happy for you and if you need any help please email me at support@adamlanesmith.com
I'm trying to love him gently so I don't scare him away and learning everything that I can to help him be comfortable.
Ladies save your sex for emotionally available and successful men. You are not a therapist of men. When you allow such men into your space. You open yourself to endless trauma.
That’s my fear hearing this
He will keep being avoidant to me unless I open up even more in a sexual way
After having been sexually abused assaulted and raped thru my life
Scary
@@getrealwithmya 100% true. The relationship with avoidant always looks like friends with benefits, no matter how much effort you put into it
"Let me give you some peace" - Beautiful. ❤
A healthy, secure, loving woman will be more active in finding a partner who can love her even when she's not performing and trying really really really hard to make him bond and not treat her like food.
What about the nights that she just wants to make love? What about the times she needs him to be the rock in the relationship because she needs support? What about when she's in fight or flight and needs to feel safe? What about her Adam? What about her?
Its bullshit - why are women even listening to a man trying to tell them how pull a man ! hahahha its ridiculous, we are the attractor - the receiver. Also no man needs help ! they make their own decisions !
@@Snazzybeat1 this isn't about pulling a man. 🤦♀️ This is about love, the real thing, and caring enough about the avoidant man to help PULL HIM up from where he fell down, as a little boy, and learned to not trust people.
Yes, she's important too! Absolutely! But this particular video is still helpful to those women who find themselves already deep in a relationship with someone she later discovers is avoidant. If she is able to love him well enough and show him what that kind of love is, she can help him to heal his childhood wounds that created so much distrust of people and cause him to struggle with intimacy and emotions he doesn't know how to express YET. Yeah, obviously it's easier and more advisable to find a healthy partner, but honestly, we ALL have things we can improve. But if we end up loving someone who is broken a little worse than we are, doesn't mean they aren't worthy of love and worthy of being given at least a chance to start healing. If there's no sign of growth, then a person has to choose how much they're willing to give for this person and know when to cut their losses and move on. With these steps and enough love and patience, I really believe this can help an avoidant person find healing in their life and become a very loving partner. Mine is changing. It's been a long process though.
@@michali525 I heard them man talking about having the right sex to make an avoidant man stay - its a waste of time an unhealed man wont submit to you- if youre using tactics he knows your desperate need to heal him will feel like oppression- im sorry you dont want to hear it but you're co dependent. Youre broken with self esteem issues if thats what you feel you need to do
the only person pulling a man up is god, or a woman that is aligned with god - its no tactics like this, this is cult business , the man talking here thinks he has power over you and you cant see it
I wish I found you YEARS ago, before the dopamine crash! I have NO doubt I can help pull him out of the burnout with your ingenious approach. PLEASE tell me how this video is not VIRAL?! How are all of your videos not VIRAL?! You, sir, are a force to be reckoned with. I salute you!
Well, thank you very much! I’m glad you’re here now and that you’ve got this information. We just hit 100,000 subscribers here and I am so grateful for the huge support from this community. My mission is to help 1 billion people build secure attachment around the world, and we are all on that journey together, so let’s keep going! Glad to have you with us. ❤️
One thing that I'm trying to wrap my head around is this... Why would a woman want to draw an avoidant partner in closer? In my experience, giving them that oxytocin experience sets up their expectation that you will mother them. Next thing you know, you're the breadwinner and the homemaker and taking care of the kids while he's laying in bed jobless and gaming on a laptop all day. I think the things you're bringing up here are lovely things that every relationship should have. However, I feel like at this point in my life I'm just allergic to avoidants and feel like it's a waste of my time trying to engage then in what should be a secure relationship, not an avoidant one. I don't want to be in a relationship to fix a guy. I want to be in a relationship where both partners know and use accountability, responsibility, and balance between them on tasks they've created together as responsibilities such as building a home, raising kids, hobbies, life goals, growing individually and together as a team. It's such a struggle trying to do that with an avoidant, and women should feel like their partner is eagerly stepping up to tackle life WITH her, not just tagging along and engaging when his arm is twisted.
@cherylnicole9578 not every avoidant is lazy and plays games all day. My avoidant works 12-16hr days to provide.
@@cherylnicole9578 he Said ethical avoidant. Maybe you won't attract an avoidant. Sometimes people are already in deep relationships prior to learning about attachment styles. That's why he shares this information.
@@Tambrose0405 they're usually hard workers.
YES!!! Even the title of this video is ridiculous--I do not want to have to "fix" my partner. How about a video explaining how an avoidant man can be a better lover? What can he do? Why must the onus be on the woman. Clearly I am not the target audience--I want a present and secure lover, not a home improvement project.
@@Tambrose0405 I agree. My partner is a very hard worker. Family is also the most important thing to him. How he shows up, is very different. He shows up, it's just not the way some people may think. He fixes everyone's cars. He picks them up, drops them off places, shows up for all the track meets, or sport events. Takes the kids to every doctor's appointment. He cooks your favorite meal. He remembers how you like to eat this or that. So they show up, just not with all the bells and whistles.
"A drunk octopus looking for it's keys"! 🤣🤣🤣 absolutely hilarious!! Great video! ❤❤
My ex would never talk about anything in the bedroom . I was his fourth wife and under stand why he couldn’t keep a wife. I was so unfulfilled and lonely . Yet he stayed with him longer and all the others , until I felt like I was dying.
1- Goal setting, achieve things together, be more active.
2- Physical Touch all over.
3- Pull him into rest on your chest. Let me hold you, let me give you some peace.
I have done all of this naturally and instinctually. It has been over a year and he still won’t meet up more often, keep in contact more or commit to me…
I’m pretty sure there is many details into what you were talking about so if you ever need any help, please email me at support@adamlanesmith.com
He's probably not that attracted to you
@ oh that’s definitely not the issue lol…he needs therapy and healing from his past relationships and his childhood but he doesn’t realise he needs it
@nrt6 ahh. Just speaking as an avoidant man who has put other women in your situation. But what do I know
@Allforone0101 no issues at all, it’s good to hear your perspective on things. He has always said how attracted to me he is and about our chemistry and how he has ‘special trust’ with me. But..no real progress physically in terms of more meetups and comms. Emotionally he has opened up a hell of a lot more. We just go through these peaks and flows..
I'd rather just find a healthy man?
Yes! I wish you that :) and I wish that to me and everyone else :)
@dakark15 he's on his way to you sweetheart.
@@sadiedeville6884 These tips are great for any relationship; with a secure man too. A lot of bonding.
I have always been a partner in problem solving and an octopus naturally, and I ask my partner to be like that too. I need to exchange a lot of physical touch to feel happy. Before, during, and afterwards. I love hugs, kisses, touching. I could never be with an unhealed avoidant I guess. I don't think I would like it. A secure partner made me very secure too. I used to be anxious. I guess our style may vary depending on our partner. I believe an avoidant would make me go back to anxious.
I'm still looking...😂
Situations that take more work usually have greater payoffs. You crack the harder code and you’re less replaceable and they’ll work harder for you…
Awesome video
As an ambivalent anxious/avoidant myself . I’ve had the on and off relationship with an avoidant man for 6yrs. Despite me being a massage-therapist and doing all the acrobatic things with my hands/body. He still doesn’t seem to be interested in a relationship. He’s now gotten a new dog and a relative staying at his home.
He did open up and finally said he’s not good as a partner and doesn’t want to disappoint me. That’s a huge step for him to actually admit. Unsure where to take that information and where we stand. We only speak every 3 to six months. It’s funny when Adam said to love them like a hurricane. I actually expressed that to him, “I would love you so incredibly hard your head would spin!” He just laughed
At this point you have to listen to what he is saying when he says he is a bad partner and he will disappoint you. This is exactly what he means and if you stay in this dynamic, it`s on you allowing that as well. He is not doing the work - he is aware and uses it as an excuse to continue with toxic cycle. This is as simple as it is.
@ I told him that. “So you place all the responsibility on the female partner that’s eager to work it out?!” He said “this is why I’m single”
You are right at the moment I feel numb. This conversation happened this week. Oddly enough we don’t argue but we talk and listen to each other. In intimacy he’s so loving. How ironic to be so loving and then we are cold for weeks/months apart. When he doesn’t show me interest I too don’t show interest. I told him at the end of the”we are not so different you and I”
Why would you ever say that to someone? Never simp over a man or anyone. He does not deserve you. Find someone who is
@@fembot521 I’m not “simpin” he was actually direct for the first time ever. I appreciate his effort & transparency. Now it’s on me to keep moving forward with my life.
@@mbarcco Maybe he is neurodivergent. He knows that there will be problems with houskeeping or other person triggers him. Maybe he has weird habits he is embarrassed to reveal to his partner. Maybe he is out of sight, out of mind person. Sounds like long distance relationship would be better for him.
Adam Lane Smith, I am not even kidding when I say to you that this has saved my relationship.
I did not know what to do. I thought it was over. I had all the wrong thoughts. I have come so far in my understanding because of you and I absolutely love you. This is my natural way to interact and yet I felt restricted about it like it wouldn’t be welcome. Now I realize exactly the opposite.
Friendly reminder that “trying to “fix” someone” is not love. It’s actually the opposite of love. It’s you thinking they’re not good enough and thinking YOU are going to make him/her good enough. This is not respectful, or loving, or healthy. If you’re in a relationship with a person you feel like you need to “fix” ask yourself where you learnt this demeaning form of “love” and why (very important) why did you choose a person that “needs fixing” to be in a relationship with?
I say this with much love ❤✨
Stay safe out there and remember, your happiness depends on loving and being loved with the freedom of being accepted for who you are 😘
@@elliegonzaleza you cant fix other people. You can only fix yourself. You are right on track.
The only person who needs to love you is yiu❤❤❤❤😂
Yo, it’s not a character defect to give someone soup when they’re sick. Lol.
@@peterharrell7305 Yay! Some emotional intelligence in the thread instead of defensive feminism. We heal IN relationships. Oxytocin heals. To heal is to reveice what what we never had.
@@elliegonzaleza Hi Ellie, your comment was very mindful. It’s a soul centered perspective. This is something I notice is missing in Adams approach. The soul, heart and spirit. It’s very transactional and chemistry oriented. It has great value but is incomplete. I love that he stresses the attachment as “styles” and doesn’t pathologize them. I used to be ‘fearful avoidant” many years ago and his analysis of chemistry helped me understand my behaviors better in hindsight. Ultimately this is a spiritual issue. Coming from divine LOVE into form and internalizing a disconnect of our SELF from that divine LOVE because we took in messages of not being good enough. I’ve done my work. I’m no longer avoidant and deeply love and am proud of who I’ve become and how I am in relationship. I’m in a twin flame relationship in which we have become catalysts for each others growth and I sent this to my flame and after reading your comment I added to my text that he doesn’t need “fixing” it’s that I like some of the things Adam said to try. ❤️😍
Love the videos - we gotta fix this mic/audio issue though 😅
Hmm 🤔 he’ll probably just want to up the ante anyway and go searching for the next higher high 🤷🏻♀️
I don’t think he will let me hold him afterwards. He almost always jumps up to clean off/use the restroom. He barely kisses (2 seconds at most), no passionate kissing/tongue kissing, and never uses his hands/has foreplay. Oral? Imagine that. And I basically have to chase him for intimacy, which just makes me feel like I’m being a bother. I don’t even want to try anymore.
I’ll be honest, he’s kind of the worst lover I’ve ever had and it all just feels like he’s just not into me. It’s made me super anxious, sad and lonely when I’m not even that kind of person, and I’m getting to the point where I’m trying to figure out how to turn my feelings off so, and gather my strength to figure out how to leave.
For awhile I thought he just had someone else, but unless he’s the world’s sneakiest man, this is really just who he is. I love him to pieces but it’s just not enough and anytime I tried to ask about this, it gets twisted into, well sex isn’t that big a deal at our age, we both need to be our own king and queen with our own interests and not be needy, etc.
I feel like I’m nothing more than an FWB and it kills me. I moved my whole life to be with him and buy a home together in another country - and for what? I feel like I’m involved in some strange business transaction here.
I’m so sorry to hear that however, I have a really important question. Have you tried talking to him about that and express your concerns?
@ I have tried in the past and I get gaslit. “This is the way I kiss”, “sex isn’t that big a deal at our age”, etc. But he asks for back rubs and he falls asleep when I do. Maybe I’m just mommy?
He also does the pulling away thing and I’m experienced enough to let him have his space and not make any fuss about it. Also, I’m very expressive in telling him how I feel and in trying to build him up, but I never get any sort of expression of emotions back. I think I may just cut that out - I feel stupid now and that maybe it’s making me look desperate.
Yet a few times when we talked about buying property together he mentioned getting married. I can’t help but wonder if he just wants that as part of some twisted business arrangement to make sure he gets half of everything. My head is twisted and my friends are worried because they say I’m the most confident woman they know.
But I just can’t get through to him. His culture is an ultra macho one and I think that adds to the issue on top of all the trauma in his life.
@@a.a.3699
Could be my ex boyfriend, a narcissist
Stop seeing him. It makes you unhappy and prevents you from being available for a better potential partner. Don't do that to yourself. Do what you would tell your friends to do... ❤
This is us!!!
Exactly the same!!
I cry thinking I’ll never be kissed properly again
This was awesome information. I did almost all of it unintentionally in a former fwb relationship. This makes me understand it better. There was definitely confusion on both sides. Thank you for sharing!
Sorry author, what is this bs. Doesn’t matter how you both enjoying sex and how much effort you put in it, he is emotionally unavailable. And that’s comes first. No amount of unforgettable sex will change him or change relationships dynamic if he is not ready to commit, be emotionally available, vulnerable, connected and ctr.
@@LanaD.-ii9lk THIS 👏👏
As an avoidant man, I can tell you, you have no idea what you're talking about. Women's incessant, ridiculous demands for emotional intimacy kills relationships. That's not a thing. And if you try to do that, you'll get traumatized when someone cheats on you. And they will. 70% of relationships experience infidelity one way or another. What the video shows is completely accurate.
@@ElimEx1lol no, you're just full of sht and want free sex. What she said is completely true. Fix your trauma first, broken person
@@ElimEx1 You're psychopathic man, who doesn;t want a real friendship with a woman, you see them as sex objects to fulfill your needs.
He addressed that in the beginning before he started talking about the tips. Need to listen better.
That’s what is needed! Thank you! Wow! Powerful!
Dude you are on fire with this one 😂🔥
Thanks for that..I hear you and am on it (recovering avoidant/ closer to secure now) female dating a good avoidant man
And what were your important takeaways from this video?
Yes this video is very good i learned different techniques to handle avoidant man very interesting and helpful video great suggestions
This works for me as an avoident woman. I can really relax that way. And part of it I did right with my (even more avoident) ex. He wanted it to last more than I did back then.
Reminds me of how good these chemicals are - I miss it - but there was also a lot of pain (and pain chemicals, too) due to the dysfunctional behaviours of us two.
And how this relationship is going right now?
I'm an avoidant woman, and this is exactly what I need.
Thanks for chiming in on the female avoidant side, was wondering how well this translates. TY!!
Thank you so much for that and I believe I’m going to add the idea of avoidant woman also to the plan in these kinds of videos
Im an avoidant so ill avoid this video
I’m going to try this! I’ve done the goal setting & accomplishing already which has provided significant results but I will try the other two tips. Thank you for a great video. You always post wonderful content but this one was so candidly funny, positive, powerful and inspiring! Thank you so much!!! I value you and the work you do and kindly share here!
@@catalystphoenixmoon5385 any tips on the goal setting part?
YOU SAVEDDDDD MY LIFE HERE. OH MY GID SERIOUSLY. It works
I'm so glad this helped!
I love this and love the drunk octopus. 😂❤
Absolutely brilliant ! Thank you Adam
I am just now getting to where I am
Emotionally regulating on my own. I am going to try this with my DA but I am not going to try and force things!! I’m here for whatever happens
Great topic, Adam!!! We're in a more stressful than usual time, and the bedroom activities have raised some issues for my partner. I see this advice as a current "balm" that may bring us through "stuff" stronger. 😊
You're so funny but make so much sense ❤️❤️❤️
I do a lot of these things but this really helps me to understand and put more of this to use. Thank you for these videos!!!
Thank you so much for watching and I’ll make sure I will be doing many parts of these videos so please let me know which topic do you need me to talk specifically on?
🙏🙏🙏ADAM -- PLEASE make a video for men to help us bond with our Avoidant wives. Please!!!🙏🙏🙏🙏
I definitely hear you and I will be adding this to my plan. No worries.
@ ❤️❤️❤️ Thank you! I will be passing that video out to several of my friends as I usually do with all of your videos. I hope that you will have millions of followers soon!
The US public really doesn’t know about this issue and you are making it crystal clear for us.
@@AttachmentAdamthank you
@SpanishHag thank you for being honest!
@@HagJules It's not about sex. It's about finding a way to increase Oxytocin levels. With Secure attachers, sex would be a big part but I suspect that is not the case with Avoidant women.
“Drunk octopus, but with boobs this time.” 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 I love it! 🤣
That’s hilarious😂😂
What if he doesn't want sex in the first place? What if he says he's too stressed out and in survival mode to even think about sex? Yet he had an affair?
Yeap, Very good question👍
Or carrying trauma from a past relationship.
The affair wasn't about sex. It was about being wanted, desired. It was fight or flight. It's the brain's way to escape. He needs to heal himself. IF he does all he needs to do, it'll take years and years and years. They say that on average, it takes 5 years to a couple to heal from an affair if both people do things right from day 1.
@@pucicatme dump him
Great! Now I aim to help 10 avoidant men bond with me whether they want to or not. (lol just being silly) I learned a lot today. Thank you very much for your videos. Are there any videos about how to bond when an avoidant man is angry with me?
Tried this. My ex would not do anything i wanted. He liked to control the direction of everything exactly how he wanted. He didn't even want to kiss deeply. I think the guy has to be receptive.
This is my way of making love naturally. My avoidant and I would sleep in an embrace the entire night but then he ran and turned me, a secure to a majorly anxious. We still haven’t gotten back together. 😢
I hope you will find a good, secure man...
😂 lmfao, love your animated delivery Adam 😂😂 thanks for your passion on these subjects, so engaging.
Gold!! I love it! I can also do these things (& already do the hands & feet/legs thing) hooray!
Who in their right mind would want to be in a relationship with an avoidant personal? It’s a very toxic and dysfunctional relationship.
Many people are in relationships already with avoidant people and are looking to fix the dynamic (if the avoidant person is healthy enough to do this work)
Great inspiración ❤ i dont understand octupus
Drunk octopus 😂 love it *!*
Sir, let me tell you that some men just won’t be satisfied, no matter what a woman does. What you’re suggesting here is a great deal of work.
Great deal of work? Boatload of fun! This is my natural way to be intimate with someone. Nobody’s a mindreader so just tell them what you like. It’s fun actually. I stimulate my partner to do the same. Plus I have been called an octopus on something before because I get involved with my whole body. Expect some scratches and teethmarks afterwards, they will be there.
Now I’m fairly new here so this last one made me laugh a little. What’s better than having them stay on top of me, head on my chest and just listen to their breathing while I’m almost wrapped around them. I thought that was just me enjoying that so much. Good to know 😁
@Alixir1228that whole part
If this works Adam I’m gonna send you a mega big check lol😂
I’m definitely waiting😂
@ gotta find a man first I seem to avoid them they never ask me out I’m super friendly and kind and a bit in ya face but I’m assertive lol trying to be more feminine as I age and I seem to attract younger men who are so hot and cold !! Relationships are hard
This works. Amazing🎉
Take a massage class, or some kind of body soma therapy to get in-tune with your body and then his/hers etc. Conscious touch. Touch with awareness.
Really well done
Thank you. As man, I think you are absolutely right
I did all this with my two avoidant exs minus the sex. I don't think it had an affect on them. I was pretty playful and demanding.
You had me giggling like a school girl a number of times 😂. 🐙
This is gold 🏆✨❤️🔥
Love 💖 the info. You are a wealth of knowledge...Wow. Ty 🌹.
Thank you so much for watching and please let me know. Which topic should I be repeating next?
Girls, please respect yourself. Don’t engage in a relationship with someone who is emotionally unavailable. It is not your job to literally fight for someone’s attention and crave their love. You just deserve it and don’t have to put this massive effort in it. Believe me, someday you find a MAN who will treat you right and you will understand that it was so pointless to lay your feelings in avoidant boys. Fingers crossed for you 🤞🏼
I’m 2/3, thank you so much for this educational video! Even if thr title was cheezy 😊
I've never laughed soo much in these kinds of videos! 🤣 You just gained a new subscriber!!
That’s an awesome win 🎉 what made you laugh in this particular one! 😂
“You’re not here to get eaten………………” 😂
Eh.... I think women do this and it still doesn't matter
Thank you
Adam,
I am chaste till marriage for religious reasons.
Is there a way to get a marriage commitment from my avoidant man so I can do this for him?
🐙 be a drunk octopus looking for its car keys 🔑 😂 still chortling. Two anxious 60+ avoidants here. Would be great to have you address this pattern and loving sex for mature audience who strugglebus with these same issues. YES we like being physical as well!! However, being 'intimate' is
a different experience altogether, communication is essential as much more vulnerability is involved. Thank you Adam!
I love this information, especially the fist pounding 😅😊❤
We had all this, and he said he never had something intense like this, and he left me!!! It's so disappointing and sad...
"Drunk octopus looking for its keys" lmao this will be the image in my mind every time I have sex from now on... 😂
I have been celibate for decades. I met a man who's overseas, online, and we've been "together" near 7 years. In person, after 2 yrs chatting, I was shy and felt awkward and we didn't have sex. Since then we've been together twice but now he won't try again. I know I need to be more aggressive but afraid. He can be a bit stoic. We're both over 50 and it's a different ballgame. We actually bond in a video game now. Lifelong friends, I do believe. Thank you. P.S. If you don't use it you lose it, so thumbs down on celibacy.
1:08 , feeling a hunger for the next person sounds like a personal issue, they aren’t meant to stay with one person. They are meant to stay single
It’s usually the novelty dopamine which falls off a cliff at about 5 to 7 months. It’s because they don’t know how to oxytocin bond deeper and they’ve never really had that experience, so they don’t know what to contrast their dopamine binges with. It’s something that does need to be fixed in relationship with another human being, but they also have to be aware of it so they aren’t out there breaking anybody’s heart. So yes, staying single until a person is willing to face their fears and overcome this problem is a good idea.
Does this work for avoidant women too?
Imagine a therapist saying most women are having sex wrong. It’s all our fault ladies! lol. 😂
What if I were to tell you I did all this unknowingly; I just loved him so much and enjoy love making with him. After a few years; he got lazy and hidden addictions kept him from having a shared experience and went solo. Despite my continuing giving. What if I were to tell you it’s all about him; his needs and doesn’t give a crap about mine? Hmmmmm maybe sometimes the avoidant men are doing it wrong. Not most like you say most women. Some men.
Seriously? 😒
@@UnacceptableTee It's said within a context.
I agree. I feel like many women, if not most, already do that intuitively.
Does it change anything? To some extent. But will it save relationship with avoidant...............
Yes, every constructive criticism towards women means that IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT. And Adam obviously means the avoidants never do anything wrong. 😃 I think you need help if that is what you got from this video.
This is what iquestion, like do you need to keep doing this every time to continue having his oxytocin bonding..I mean at some point these men really need to realize they are the problem and they need to fix themselves
I almost feel like I shouldn't be watching this 😂
This is hilarious lol. I'm listening but I'm pretty sure I already got it down. Let's see
I LOVE this video lol!!❤
Love this
❤❤❤ love this
ThiS IS SOOOO GOOD !!!! ❕💠❕💠❕❄️❕🏹🤍🙏🏽❕ THANK YOU ❕❕❕🏹🙏🏽🦅🖤🖤🤍💋💥🖤🤍🖤❄️🎶🤍🤍🏹🏹🏹🤍🤍🤍
Hi Adam, is it possible to develop anxiously attachment style 3 years into a relationship with an avoidant man?
Yeah! It’s him that’s making you anxious if you’ve never been anxious before! It’s your body’s way of telling you something isn’t right but your brain won’t accept it, people will say you must have had anxious tendencies before but from my experience it’s bs, iv never had anxiety in my life until I met my avoidant ex!
I'm curious, I'm a man from a long abused relationship. It was 4 years ago. I stayed away from relationships until I met that the special someone a weeks ago.
I've been raised extremely conservative and I'm afraid to refrain from a physical connection but also afraid that my past with will completely be miss everything...😅
My understanding of the "conscious relationship" concept of Harville Hendrix is that both partners are working together and a relationship counselor is assisting the therapeutic process. With that commitment and awareness of both partners, I can see hope of it working. To get to that point may require some preliminary deep individual inner work.
I did this (automatically, without trying to fix or „bond“ him to me..) yet he still ghosted me after a few months of being in a relationship..even if he repeatedly told me he has never felt like this about anyone and that he wanted to marry me (this was obviously not just sex related)..we have also known each other for 7 years, just to give you a bit of context..I just never thought he would vanish out of my life like this, without giving me so much as an explanation 😔
You are right though about the wanting to get up straight after sex..I didn’t even realise that was a thing or maybe I‘ve just never been with an avoidant before 🤷🏻♀️
PS thank you for your educational videos ❤
Too much yapping for a POS who is going to ghost u in the end anyway .... !!!
lol
And why do you think that?
I like the holding him part 😊
😮
Now , I'm seeing how my ex's ended up circling back or stalk me.
Ive always done this
Does this mean no “quickies”? (Which disclude any affection)
I think we did this three steps and we got really close but then he pulled away.
Can you please add financing for your courses and also possibly third party payment
These options are available through my website, including affirm and klarna and afterpay.
Anxious people are needy..... and here is a 100 pages instructions of how to be with an avoidant, so easy! ... but make one wrong move and say goodbye to the love of your life.
Avoidants - we are not the needy ones...
How about the DA’s who aren’t really receptive to physical intimacy because it’s too vulnerable? Or, the one’s who are so addicted to porn they have ED? It’s difficult to be an octopus with a piece of spaghetti. Talk about this more in depth!
Agreed. He hesitates on physical intimacy because it's too intimate and vulnerable. In fact, it never got there because of it.
Wait a second. This is actually really good. drunk assertive octopus who holds him got it
Glad you enjoyed this!
I wonder how many times you hit your desk with your fist Adam! 😁
Thank you. But how do u go from kinda boring routine five years intimacy to this without feeling so awkward?