Can Avoidant Men ever Fall in Love?
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 5 ก.พ. 2025
- The HOW TO LOVE AN AVOIDANT MAN video course is now available! write a happy ending to your love story! adamlanesmith....
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Can an avoidant man truly fall in love with you? How can you recognize his love if it looks completely different from what you expect? In this eye-opening video, Adam Lane Smith, The Attachment Specialist, reveals how avoidant partners show love and why it often goes unrecognized. If you've ever felt uncertain about your avoidant partner's feelings, this video is a must-watch.
Learn how to bridge the gap and help your avoidant partner express love in a way that resonates with you. Discover the secrets behind avoidant behavior and why traditional methods of expressing love may not work with them. This video is part of a mini-series debunking myths about changing an avoidant man, leading up to the launch of the "How to Love an Avoidant Man" video course. Join now and catch your early bird discount: adamlanesmith....
If you've ever felt hurt or misunderstood in your relationship, Adam breaks down the neuroscience behind avoidant behavior and how it affects bonding. By the end of this video, you'll gain valuable insights into your partner's perspective and understand how to create a more fulfilling relationship together.
If you enjoyed this video then I would recommend you give this video on avoidant attachment a watch: • Avoidant Ex? Here's Wh...
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00:00:00 - Understanding the Signs of Love from an Avoidant Man
00:02:51 - The Brain Chemicals of Attachment Styles
00:05:45 - The Measurement of Love in a Harsh World
00:08:46 - The Brain Chemistry of Avoidant Men
00:11:24 - The Death Spiral
00:14:11 - Understanding Avoidant Men
00:17:04 - The Disconnect in Love Languages
00:19:59 - Understanding Avoidant Men
00:22:52 - Unifying Approaches to Love with Avoidant Men
00:25:54 - Understanding the Truth
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The price is still too high unfortunately
Nope.
Sisyphus is really a story about an Avoidant man?
I have Parkinson’s so I have low dopamine and I wish that I had high dopamine, but I don’t wish that I had it with high cortisol.
@@AttachmentAdam please send me the link
I feel sad for avoidant people as they don't even know what they are missing out.
But I also feel sorry for people who burn out trying to "save them". 😢
Yes we lose our brain capacity. But it's a risk worth taking if we can see progress with them.
@@hspinnovators5516 But only if they sre willing to change/work on it.
Otherwise it's a loosing battle.
@@arminxvs3372 the course addresses this and there are multiple chances over a long period of time
We find ways to live in the world. It's the people around us who deserve sympathy 🤣
@arminxvs3372
A person can’t save an Avoidant & especially not with ‘love’. Anyone with this dysfunctional attachment style needs Gods help to heal. Honestly every relationship should be proceeded by each individual having a solid relationship with God & self.
He showed his love by working diligently to create a secure, low-risk life for us. The harder he worked to provide, the more secure he felt, though I don't think he ever felt "safe enough". Now I understand where he was coming from. Being lovey-dovey was risky, seemed non-productive. He'd bring me a potted plant rather than cut flowers- more practical, and it symbolized an investment in the future.
Sounds like he genuinely loved you. What happened?
@@AttachmentAdam he passed away (much too young) after 20 beautiful years together.
@TART111 I'm so sorry for your loss, but I rejoice at how beautiful your relationship sounds!
Love this! You were blessed to have those twenty years... and are still, to have those memories. 💖
One minute of watching this, fixed 45 years of confusion. Deeply grateful
Same here 🥹🥲 i wish i knew it earlier
@@DLT61933 literally!!!!! More like 9 for me
Avoidant man here. Probably the most spot on message I’ve ever heard. Well done, Sir. Keep up the great work.
Wow… early early on in the relationship, I recall him stating “I don’t get attached.”
Yet, he’s never been able to stay away from me for 18 years hahaha.
@@SK-no2pp It’s still a form of attachment haha. Don’t be too cynical in life or you may not enjoy much of anything.
Exactly. “I can’t commit” yet they are around for years. They are walking contradictions.
@@nannyboo9832 It’s really about not committing to society standards, it seems. I actually agree that I could care less about social conventions.
@@TheLavenderLover Maybe you do not want to get to close too anybody for a bunch of reasons? Or you're young and want some experimenting? Or you think that you have this "cult of 2" where you have this great understanding for him that will just leave you lonely and embittered in the end because everything distracting he watches on telly is more entertaining to him than you are in your craving for his love.
@@ulrichhille5241 We see each other much more frequently. We have mutual friends. It's actually improving. I'll update you if I get on his boat this summer. haha 🚤
We definitely can and do. At the time, I didn’t know about attachment types, but my girlfriend often grew frustrated with my hot and cold affection. I knew something was wrong as well, but felt that it was due to my losing 5 family members during the pandemic, I had picked up an addiction and drinking problem. I loved her so much, I found myself enjoying things I never did before being with her. Cuddling, holding her hand, at a party, she spilled her drink on her new shoes, I got on my knee and cleaned it for her, because she was that special to me. My family lured me into an intervention to go to rehab, I was scared, but I thought of how much better our relationship would be with me clean and sober, I agreed and went the next day. Today is my sobriety birthday, I’m two years clean and sober, but I haven’t heard from her since the day I went in to rehab. I’m grateful for my new life, but there’s still a sadness that comes and goes when I think about her. I wish I would’ve went to treatment sooner and learned about this sooner, maybe things would’ve been different.
Congratulations
Congratulations on sobriety and thanks for sharing your experience
@@Gr33dyGenius85 so sorry for your loss. Tough road u have had, but I admire you that you came out of it. Keep on keeping on. You are a champion!!!
Reach out to her! She’ll be so proud of you!
@@Gr33dyGenius85 why don’t YOU reach out? It means everything to us when you do the exact thing we have come accept you will never do- which is to reach out. make the first move and even chase a little bit (if she seems open to it).
Men should pursue a woman at least somewhat. You owe it to the both of you to at least try.
As a recovering Codependent, I am trying not to take on more than my share of responsibility for the relationship, this feels like a step backwards. Especially with someone that has not taken responsibility for working on his own issues and refuses to talk about it.
Yeah same here. I just bawled my eyes out watching this because it explained my situation so well but I know it won't improve.
20+ years together and I am burnt out. We're in separate rooms 6 months now and I feel less lonely and stressed out. I miss him like crazy but he walks around whistling or with headphones on like he hasn't a care in the world and my heart is so broken it literally hurts.
@@jenster29 ❤️
@@jenster29 I’ve been there 🫂 take your time healing
@@jenster29leave, dummy. Your relationship is dead. Any sane person would've realized that by now. Instead, yeah, put all the blame on him. Take control of your life and quit being pathetic, Jesus.
But some of us seek to understand & grow. I did, hopefully b4 it is too late.
I have overcome my fear of being loved & I have learned what women want that many men never learn
We will see what we will see down the pike.
Wow, touchė! I’m a 55 year old man, and recently I realize the potential impact from separation from my biological mother at birth had impacted the fact that I never let a woman come too close to my heart. Your video completes clearly the picture. Thanks!!
You are 1000 % right. I am married 27 years to my husband who is like this since day one and I’m finally starting to realize after 27 years married and 33 years together that this is what he is the only problem is is that I was a very loving person, but seeing how I don’t get to love and the way that I want it I feel like I’ve been Becoming like him, and I hate that because I was a very loving person toward him but now I feel cold.
The resolution is that we are here to meet our OWN needs. YOU are your first love and friend. YOU are able to reduce your own stress and cortisol. YOU provide your needs. Other humans are supporting cast to one another. Love is balance. Balance yourself. Source love from within and you will be able to see what you need to see to do what you need to do. Your attachment issues lie between you and your mother, and ultimately between you and yourself.
I have been alone my entire life, There has only been one girl I've ever loved and I hid my feelings from her, partly out of fear of rejection, but more so because I knew I didn't have the social skills to make a relationship work. I don't know if I'm an avoidant type or not, BUT I'm very familiar with Cortisol and Dopamine. I Don't know if I've ever felt any of the others. At 52 years old, I know I've missed out on a lot of things. I want to feel these emotions, but I've been alone so long, I'm afraid to try. I'm tired of life always feeling like a battlefield. I'm trying to build social skills by always talking to the cashiers in stores (usually Walmart). Its usually a short conversation, but I'm more comfortable talking to people I don't know. This video helped articulate things going on that I knew were happening but didn't understand why, such as always being on guard. I will watch other videos in this series, and hopefully I can finally put the pieces together I've been missing for so long. Thanks for opening the door, I hope I can step though it eventually.
Keep on trying! Go out of your way.
My heart goes out to you❤
Eliminating caffeine may help, though easier said than done.
@@fjorddenierbear4832 I avoid caffeine already.
@@Makeitorbreakit1111 thank you
Hi Adam, avoidant man here (and have been stuffing up relationships since 2005). You are one hundred percent accurate in your analysis of what goes on in my mind. I applaud you for clearly unpacking what an avoidant goes through and the chemical basis supporting the behaviour. I've watched a lot of content about avoidant attachment styles and none has articulated the issue as well as you have.
All the negative feelings started after the "honeymoon phase", & the good feelings have gradually been disappearing. There is only a glimmer of hope left that this can be restored. A very small glimmer. Very close to narcissism, but I do recognize that is not what is going on with him. Pretty sure I'm grieving the inevitable loss. Anger abounds.
Oh, Jez. Sorry. Yes! Avoidant & narcs have some of the same traits! Ok, so my guy might be on the autism spectrum. To us it all feels the same :( I never got the benefit of love bombing either. No extra attention, Praise, or words of love (?) Clueless but not malicious. I hope it turns around for you.
Please seek family/marital counseling!
@@freerangeboogie7293My adult son is on The Spectrum. Your partner doesn’t know that he is hurting you. A breakup for him would be devistating. Please seek counseling together! Best wishes!
@@KimDsmomif you have told them that they are hurting you, then they do know.
@@proofpositive11 Yes… but, just because you have told someone that they are hurting you doesn’t mean that they know what to do differently, or how to do it, so that they don’t/won’t hurt you. It also doesn’t mean that it’s intentional. 🙏🏼
My avoidant partner recently equated his devotion to me to his new car, and because I now understand how he thinks and values things I was able to roll past my initial disgust with with this concept and recognize several things. He feels he has adequately and thoroughly researched me and the risks and rewards involved in being attached to me, and he considers me a good investment! I was genuinely touched rather than offended. Thank you so much for helping me understand how to translate his language of analytical risk measurement into my own feelings language. 💖 Game changer. 😁 This channel is absolutely worth my investment of time to listen.
Ha! I just realized the same thing last night when talking with my boyfriend, except he was researching small construction equipment. 😂 From what he was saying about trusting that product to last for the rest of his life, it clicked and I realized, I have been chosen! 😊
@@gypsypath1 such a good feeling. ☺️
@@gypsypath1😂 men truly are from another planet
@@andreaberg1735 It's not about men. There are avoidant women around, too. Causing the same heartache to guys 😢
How much anxiously attached are you?
(You: "Yes").
This video just gave me so much empathy for people with avoidant attachment styles. It breaks my heart a little. My mother is avoidant, and most of my partners have been. I feel so much sadness and compassion for them now, being stuck in survival mode and not even know what the blissful states of oxytocin and serotonin are, never having experienced it. ❤
It's powerful how insights can shift our perspective. Sending you lots of love and understanding as you navigate these relationships. ❤️
I remember having my first baby and the feelings of oxytocin and joy that were completely new experiences for me. It taught me that there are so many more positive feelings than I never knew existed. But men never get that experience.
@The_Apollo_Show my mother also said that she experienced feelings of deep love ans oxytocin for the very first time after having me.
@@lilelly16 that must have been really special for you both to experience that together ❤️
Same here i'm crying for them as i can understand them but failed to communicate effectively as anxious leaning fearful avoidant
I am very much an avoidant man and these videos have really impacted me personally. I love my ex-wife but we were never on the same page nor communicated about our relationship let alone as it was on fire and sinking. Our marriage is utterly destroyed and I wish we had come across this channel years ago.
Thank you. My boyfriend is a avoidant,I can understand why he is this way due to his terribly abusive parents that never showed any type of love or affection at all. His childhood was lonely and playing like a normal child wasn’t even allowed. I feel sad when I think about it. He on the other hand has turned that pain in into determination to become a very successful man. He puts 1000% into everything he wants to do, he NEVER fails because he will not except failure.. I have so much love and respect for him. But that’s the hardest part about being with avoidant person, I see him fight tooth and nail to never fail at anything, but then when it comes to our relationship all i need is security and reassurance from him. I need to be told at least once or twice that he doesn’t want to lose me.. but he gets annoyed when I talked about my feelings. I have cut my affection,
physical touching and talking about how
much I love him down to what feels like never. It’s hard when you just want to cuddle and hold hands but the person gets annoyed, that just hurts my feelings. The thought of us being together “forever “ stress him out too.
Do to certain circumstances that came arise in our relationship the last couple months, I have been stressed to a very unhealthy point. I don’t even know how I let myself fall this hard. I’m glad that I stumbled upon your videos tonight.. if he watches this and wants to actively grow with each other, then maybe there is hope for us?
Run fast
I consider what you are doing as Self Abuse, he's more important to you than your own health and well being, and you're admitting that you've been stressed to an unhealthy point. And you are ingesting content that supports you staying in a relationship that you are more invested in than he is...women who sacrifice themselves creates psychological damage to themselves, trauma gets trapping in the body and can develop into physical illnesses like chronic disease, all because you are pouring your love into him more than you are giving to yourself. You are worth being in a relationship with a man who is just as invested in it as you are. Because if the man you are currently with, chooses not to change, then what you are you going to do?
Give yourself permission to know what enough is enough and when to walk away...
You have to sit him down and tell him this
You have been faithful to him, and stuck it out when most would've just ran. I greatly respect you for that. At some point you're going to have to let him go, if he can't change. Sometimes people are hurt so badly, they can't be helped. I do hope this is not your case, and this presentation can help him find answers to his pain.
@@highpriestessofmythal199 I agree with you. It is self abuse. I have severe ptsd and abandonment issues. I find it impossible to level when I confront him, with proof and still told I’m making things up in my head.. I believe I do make stuff up.. idk what to believe anymore..
Adam,
Well detailed explanation. However, I must add if these men are enmeshed in their origin families, it can be hard to recover. Also, some are too addicted to the dopamine hits… it’s a sad reality, but we should protect ourselves afterwards.
Thank you, anyway.
Hey there. Some men are definitely not ready to open up and build a loving relationship. And some are going to cling to what they know, even if it poisons them. It’s definitely smart to prioritize those who want to lean into fulfilling relationships, for sure!
My ex was enmeshed with his origin family (spent 3-4 days out of each week with them). Why do you think that’s a part of it?
@@dukethecolors because Avoidant attachment is formed based on emotional neglect and family dynamics. The book when he’s married to mom by Kenneth Adam’s explains this pretty well and no matter how good communicator you are, his loyalty will always come first.
“Imagine if you two were stuck in the Sahara Desert…”
Yes. This is how my husband lives ; life is viewed as survival, black white risk reward and to keep that dopamine things are often done at the last minute or on his own sporadically etc etc etc.
I thought this was moreson adhd or emotional immaturity or narcissism but now this makes sense.
I love the working together vassopressin concept and just genuinely appreciating what he does for us out of a well thought out and risk accessed way to love us.
Looking forward to learning more❤
I finally understand why people in the comments are so furious at avoidants. This is the worst most confusing feeling. ✌️out, Bro.
I think that's why it's important to value ourselves enough to have a proper dating phase of a couple of months before jumping into bed or showing too much emotion or attach to quickly. Avoidants can be pretty great partners. There has to be a feeling of safety and a special kind of bond that goes more into the best friend realm.
One of the best quotes I’ve ever heard is: Expectations can serve to create future Resentments. Life is better when I only have Expectation of myself.
Adam, thank you. As a person who has grown up as neurodivergent in a world designed for neurotypicals, I see a parallel in the struggles. It‘s so hard for avoidant people (in this video it’s men) as society‘s definition of love relationships is based on something foreign to them. Thank you for providing a platform that teaches our world about different ways of loving. Your videos have helped me understand why I am constantly attracted to avoidant people (for their great qualities!!)
Yes the double empathy bond is similar. How we speak two different languages. There are many parallels, it literally is opposing neurotypes luckily changeable
You are so right, functioning with any kind of difference can make a person feel downright rejected or deficient in this modern world. I’m glad to hear you are finding answers. Keep embracing the power of difference, and let me know how I can help in your journey in the future!
I kept hugging him in gratitude but he would push me away saying women only want a man for a meal ticket.
Dr Smith. I am watching this as a man with this attachment. Most of your videos seem to offer assistance to women in these relationships. What steps can I take to improve on my own? Thanks.
Hi there. Many of us appreciate your comment quite a bit. In some of the practices someone can do with an intention to recover from these behaviors, experience something different and heal from those experiences and connections, is to practice with friendships.
There is also a community of support that Adam has created. Those are the two best ideas I can think of off the top of my head. It's a very good question you ask.
This is an excellent question. It’s true that most of my TH-cam audience right now is women wanting to learn about avoidant men (which should be an encouraging sign for any man with avoidant attachment) but there is definitely a fix for avoidant attachment for any man looking to improve his life satisfaction and romantic outcomes.
The biggest first step, at least half of the battle, is getting avoidant men to believe that there is even a better way for them to live. I liken this to the switch between war mode and peace mode. You need to have the option to take your armor off once you get home to your family. That’s what most avoidant men are missing. It’s 100% war mode all the time.
My door is fully open to any man looking for first steps to move forward and to building his peace mode so he can relax into his relationships with the right selected people. Anyone is welcome to email me at support@adamlanesmith.com and I will handle your questions in private.
@@AttachmentAdamSo helpful and specific!! ThankU
Best way to heal your attachment style is a therapist. You need to unpack your childhood and what led to this attachment style which is usually emotional neglect in childhood. Parents that teach their children its not ok to have and express feelings. Learning to bottle up and suppress your emotions is a learned behavior. It can be fixed. My fiance used to be very avoidant before we met, 3 years of therapy and he now is much more secure and we have a very good and healthy relationship. I am going to bring his therapist flowers when i meet her. We got in a fight the other night and he felt triggered by something small that i said he immediately turned and walked to the car to cool off. Previously he would have left, instead he called his therapist, she told him to get his butt back inside and talk it out, and that if he leaves he will regret it. She was right. We talked it out in about 15 minutes.
Same over here pal! Except that i'm mildly avoidant so i can still experience love but its flickering for me :D sometimes i wanna really dive into it then i'm like naaah. I have been trying to heal myself so i guess this is part of the process. Before hand i just avoided it completely and now i'm recognising my patterns and doing the opposite of what i would do.
I'd say: change your view of others and really learn to be vulnerable (take off armor like Adam said) i think those two are the key components.
I am an avoident man. I show love be being consistently there for those I care about. I am trying to get better, but without someone to help me out of always being on guard, i will stay on guard.
Being there consistently isn't enough. There's an emotional component that is essential. My 2 cents.
@annwood6812 I understand that, and this is the reason why I am still single. Since I was emotionally abused by people, I should have been able to trust, for a majority of my life. Even the systems that are designed to help kids like me failed. When your existence is an inconvenience to your parents and they let you know about it, until they died.
I will probably stay single for rest of my life. One person living in misery is better than two people living in misery. I really just want to prevent people growing up in the way that I did and become like me. But that is my cents.
@@annwood6812 Showing up is more than most will ever do.
Only difference is they don’t listen to your feelings. My ex would leave the room or turn music up. He would invite me over a lot but then would ignore me and just do chores. None of that felt like love. He would pay for dates but even was begrudging about that because he hated spending money.
There is a four-letter word for that: NEXT
Wow. My mind is blown. Thank you for explaining the brain chemistry piece so well. And the rest was like you had a camera in my house for the last year of my marriage. I was 100% that wife trying too hard to make it work. First, he stopped all physical affection. Then, he withdrew by literally moving away. Finally, he started cheating with multiple women. Chasing those dopamine hits for sure! Easily the most painful experience of my life, I'd rather be alone for the rest of my God given days than risk being in a relationship with an avoidant again. ETA- I thank the good Lord every day that I never had children with that man, I can't imagine the damage he would have done to them.
Thank you for sharing your experience, and I'm sorry it was this painful. Please know I'm here for you if you need any help or support recovering and building new fulfilling connections.
Explaining attachment styles with neurochemistry is the best validation I can get 😭♥️
Yes avoidants please let us know how you show love in your words. And thank you again Adam, this work is so needed today
ditto!
I show love but doing things for that person being secure I have guys who I do business with or know how to get things done. A lot of older man are my friends.
Me personally as a sort of avoidant style, it is me going to work everyday to make your life better. It is me doing everything I can outside of work to solve your problems. Learning about your interests in my free time instead of my hobbies. Just like he said we are trying everything to give you dopamine, so you feel happy, because I know myself have dealt with a lot of isolation and depression and making the people I care about feel happy is a lot more important than what I am feeling, and doing that for you is in a way how we relax and avoid solving our own personal issues. Pretty much how he explains
Its about going out of your way to do things for us, its about the little things for me, i could care less about words its all about actions
I just saw your video on avoidant attachment yesterday and it felt like you were directly speaking to me, like you know more about me than myself. I showed that video to my girlfriend (of about 7 months) to explain what was going on with me. I will be showing this one to her today, so she can help navigate through this process with me. Thank you for the work you do, this is extremely valuable information that will help many people keep their lives from falling apart. I don’t think it’s hyperbolic to say this could literally save people from death. The frustration of this lifestyle, and the conflicts that arise from it, can easily lead to violence or self destruction.
Which video did you particularly see?
I’m soo glad I have found your videos. The guy I have been seeing is very much avoidant but I have a disorganised attachment style. When we see each other we are simply getting those dopamine hits, neither of us has ever experienced real, trusting love. But then he disappears for weeks on end just communicating to me that he’s coming back soon. We both have had extensive traumas in our lives, it’s just beyond sad at this point. We have found a sort of solace together and are very similar but I feel like our traumas are too much to lead to love, don’t think we know how. Honestly feel like giving it all up at this point, sick of living in a world so full of darkness
I had an epiphany today. That when hes being sexually aggressive and needy and not listening (predatory) is his attempts to dopamine give.
That’s possible. Could you talk to him about that?
Wait what does that mean? My ex was like this
Don’t make excuses if u feel unsafe,
I understand what u mean though.
Sex is „safe“ that’s where they can be dominant in a more „soft“ (for them) way, at least most DA/ FA I’ve known are a king outside and a kitten at home.
The aggressive ones can also just be abusive narcissists… not exactly a good gamble at all.
@@Seraphina93this
Avoidant man. Yeah. That’s how I show love. Also deeply aware that my wife is operating on a completely different level to me and it’s painful to see how much damage it’s doing.
Your work is great for humanity.
Thank you very much, I’m glad to hear you see the value in attachment theory!
Amen God bless you Adam 🙏🏻❤️👏🏼
I’m starting to see some trends with this whole anxious/avoidant thing. When you talk abt the chemistry and how you can ‘feel’ sick, that’s incredible. Especially with these two styles. To go a step further, your body is literally chasing a ‘fix’. Those ppl that provide that to you end up getting collateral space in our mind/life, even when technically, they may have done nothing to actually earn that (e.g. unresponsive, not loving you consistently and the way you need, etc.). We’ve just minimized those shortcomings it seems like and completely glorified all the small moments/wins bc of those chemical hits. Wheeeww 🙃😮💨 Thank you for your content, I’m healing/growing everyday!
I don't share my love anymore. I've totally retreated from genuine connections with people, even family. Just to avoid hurting others and avoid getting hurt myself. When it comes to relationships, I've always felt like after a while that they deserve someone better than me, like that the honeymoon phase would end, and they would see me for the insufficient man I actually am. Even if I don't pretend to be something or someone I'm not. I just feel like they deserve better.
Hands down this explanation was the best one I’ve heard of WHY they are the way they are.
There’s a very very very fine line between loving “in a different way” and abuse plain and simple.
I wouldn't say that line is fine at all - it's a huge gulf and a lot of gray area as well, and communication on both sides is mandatory to make sure perceptions line up with reality. If one person is purposely using pain to shape the other person's behavior, that's the abuse part.
I wish so much I had come across your videos sooner. I'm having a, what is probably going to be, a final conversation with the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. We're both 36, and I've had strong feelings for him since I was 16. We were together for only 3 years. I've been doing a lot of inner work on myself while also learning about and doing my best to understand things from his side as well. Too little too late, though, I suppose. It really breaks my heart. I love him so, so much, and he means the world to me.
Dang. I wish I had seen these sooner.
I didn't even know i was avoidant. Relationships and friendships were destroyed because of this. The way i was raised set me up for this. it's horrible. I want to love and feel loved, but childhood trauma is so powerful. I am much better now, thank goodness.
The brain chemistry explained with the visual of the hand. Beautifully done! Very clear and rememerable. 🙏🏻
holy shit, i'm an avoidant woman and a lot of this really resonates with me. it explains so much why all of my relationships fall apart. i've really got a lot to think about, and work on.
Thank you for sharing your experience! It's great that the video resonated with you. 💖 If you ever need guidance feel free to email me at support@adamlanesmith.com
The clean shaven look agrees with you!
You videos make so much sense. I can now look back on time with my FA ex with compassion. He would do anything for me, and did. " Acts of service" ....Even though he pulled away and monkey branched to another, he still wanted to continue doing things for me as a friend. If I needed him now, he would be here. I let him go, though and moved on. Perhaps if I had found your channel earlier, things could have been different. I had never heard of attachment theory and thought he wasn't interested. I am proud of myself that I just wished him well and let him go without drama. I am happy that I appreciated his kindness, care, and generosity. I guess I didn't see love the same way he did. Knowing him, he feels guilty and I don't think he will return if the new situation falls apart. It's sad. It's sad, too, that he was partly manipulated into the new situation. He tends to be a people pleaser who can't say "no". Live and learn.
I like that you present yourself so professionally. Suits are underrated.
Adam, brother in Christ, this one right here is the one. You’re in your bag. Great job sir! 👏🏾
Thank you, glad to hear this was helpful! Was there a specific moment that you enjoyed most?
@@AttachmentAdam I’m understanding an avoidant man will not communicate love the way I view love. I also don’t want my person to feel misunderstood when I didn’t realize there were ways he was showing me love and I missed those efforts. It also sounds like not only is consistency, emotional maturity, and patience imperative but independence/self-love is essential, listening to understand them is intimacy for them, and respecting their boundaries builds their trust and cortisol levels that produces the oxytocin that needs development? Did I hear that correctly?
Phenomenal content and communication as usual. Avoidant man, here. Everything is spot on.
@@TheOneTrueAJ ♥️
His shared time is being in the same room, but not connecting. His shared resources are reluctant. Disconnected is not a real relationship. My world is not any less harsh than his, but my choice is to overcome the harshness. His choice seems to be to disappear within himself. I would help him with the skills I have, but he isn't interested. I would be supportive if he would go get help, but he resists help. The light dwindles, the joy of life is squashed at every turn.
May I ask how long those patterns have been going on?
@@cocoq10 Too long for me.
Yep. Not worth it
Well said. My husband is this way, too. More and more, he disappears into screens and drinking to avoid true connection. The only time we do things together is if I make a point to make it all about his enjoyment. Really feels one-sided and selfish.
Word!!!! I could’ve written this
7 months in to CASUAL dating after 18 years apart.
He's cuddling and WANTING to more. He's telling me that he's fine with me using whatever tricks as long as I'm not manipulating for a BAD reason. He's asking for more connection, and wants me there as his human connection.
Next up to suggest: tree climbing/obstacle course in the trees where we are BOTH scared of heights. 😆 VASOPRESSIN TIME. Other challenges too, as I can work them in. It's tough since we live about 2 hours apart and have other things in life we have to do. But it's happening, albeit slowly. ❤️
It sounds like things are moving in a positive direction for you both, even if it's slow and steady! How do you feel about the pace of the relationship, and are there any other shared challenges or activities you're excited to explore together?
It’s wonderful to see that despite the obstacles (both literal and figurative!), you're finding creative ways to grow closer!
This video is what I’ve been searching for for the last two months. I’ve been discarded and I could not make any sense of it. But I understand so much more right now. Thank you so much for the insight on a practical level.
You are so welcome! I'm so glad you found this helpful. Stay tuned for more!
Thank you, this was totally helpful. I was traumabondet since childhood. After a whole life of narc-experience, im 50, i ve figured out red Flags and I found that Avoidant. He only wanted to met me one time a week, first three month. I had hard times becoming aware of my inner limmerence and vigilance. I learned staying cool, friendly, fair n loyal. In any case he healed me. Im now stoic, safe and factual loved now :)
👏 that’s good!
Why is there never a second chance with them for US?
I let him come back three times before the last time. He barely made it a month before leaving for the last time (because I asked him why he doesn't like the toothbrush I bought him😳).
I didn't like the way I behaved this fourth time and tried to apologize/make-up. My engagement (how serious I thought we were) ring made zero difference. He wouldn't hear it or communicate. My friends all say he was looking for a way out (a toothbrush??) and was already monkey branching.
Life sucks. Zero hope.
Zero contact.
I just got out of an 8 month relationship, she said I needed to heal from my past relationship trauma and I asked for her support/opinions on how to do that. My love language is physical touch, gift giving and words of affirmation, her love language was quality time. I needed to understand what quality time meant for her, and it's true that I think relationships are based on transactions. We were friends for a month after breaking up, and she initiated talks on future goals, kids, moving in together, and last names. I thought it was going well, but our last hangout was awkward. I'm still confused on what went wrong and now we're not talking anymore. Looking forward to future videos on how I can better myself!
Brian, your Channel is a real
Book of revelations!
Can you pls. Talk about, if/how a relationsship between two avoidant Partners can work?
Thank you!
❤
Yea, you nailed it. Unfortunately I found your content at least a month too late to save the last relationship........... well probably more of a few years too late.
But, it's still very validating to hear that someone gets me. 😊
His measurement of love in a harsh world is very different than my meadurement of love in a safe world.
That's true. Avoidant Men can really have a different perspective of love, don't you think?
@@AttachmentAdam Yes. Like talking with someone who speaks in a different language, I don't know what to say in a way they'll understand, or how to say it.
These neurochemical educational videos are bomb.💣
Glad to hear it! Which one from this channel is your favorite so far?
More work for us, yay
Incredible information! Wow… I understand now why we fell apart. We have been gone our separate ways now, 1-1/2 years… So it’s done. But I can use this practical approach for the future if I attract another avoidant. Me being an Anxious, probable!
Thank u Dr. so glad I gave u a chance for me to listen and learn.
This guys content resonates with a lot of people. Hope more people hear this out, probably would save many relationships
Thank you so much. and Keep following the next videos.
Alone after I lost my wife to PD.
Your advice makes perfect sense if I want a real bond now. Because I will likely not be able to be a husband & father for 3 more decades.
I don’t mind transactional or instrumentality provided we are playing mutually compatible games.
But it takes 2 bold exceptional people who are at certain places in their respective lives.
But never say never. That is a deep dive into toxic isolation.
I was lucky. I have a wise older friend. He encouraged my new viewpoint which is congruent with my desired future.
Dr. Adam Lane Smith! Your explanation of the brain chemistry of an avoidant man and how he shows his love has opened my eyes completely and explains EVERYTHING i've experienced with an "avoidant" type partner! WOAH! I have never heard anyone else describe these things!! Revolutionary! 🤯🤯🤯🤯 Why is this not talked about anywhere else???!! I purchased your course to go deeper and hope to help myself and other people in the future!!! THANK YOU!!!!!
I believe im dealing with a man that's deeply avoidant. It's so heartbreaking 💔 we have been trying to "get together" for what feels like Ages! But we have always just been bumping heads. Like he wants a casual thing, i have told him repeatedly "that hurts my feelings.. i know you freaking like me, and i dont understand". So both have tried to get "close" in our ways, and also at an arms length 😅😅 Now i have understood that he probably is avoidant, and his way of loving me is him trying to give me pleasure/dopamine. And im refusing to accept it. Well, i will accept this time, and i will try to activate those other brain cemetery's, and braise my self for it not working out. No, he is scared to even "give pleasure", because he doesn't want to hurt me. OMG, its such a mess 😂😅 i think he really really likes me. I know i do at least. It's so scary. I hope we will be fine. I don't want to give hime more shame or guilty. Im so sorry...
Adam, I love your videos. Loving an avoidant man is crazy making and has made me feel so insecure. Except that glimmers of love keep appearing in little things he says and does. Understanding this personality type has been so helpful in calming my own freak out response when I think he's about to walk. I now understand the value of just being patient and accepting, and keeping my own life fulfilling. Thank you.
First time I’ve seen a video of yours. I think you are right on the money. I’ve an older man who’s been through the good and bad but this all makes good sense. What I can say is this,boys want to play and girls want to chase at least play chase. All the power is really with the female, no matter how much we’re interested they’ll let us know what they want and if we want them also, it’s up to us to choose what we do.
This is truly game changing because as women we pass up so many opportunities to bond by not electing to partake in problem solving activities…
This is so spot on.
Glad it resonated with you!
My new “guru” speaking the truth. Amazing
Thank you so much for your kind words! It means a lot to me.
Adam, hands down your BEST video to date! You always do such a great job explaining this in a way that can appeal to both the avoidant and their partner, but THIS ONE perfectly hits it on the head! 👍 Keep up the wonderful work you do!!
Thank you for your kind words and support! 🙏 So glad to hear you found it helpful!
Thank you, so many lights went on in my head about my parents, my self and my late husband, who was also a high functioning autistic. We both were avoidants. It was not obvious in the beginning, all was very lovely, but eventually stresses brought our cortisol levels high, and a downward spiral began in spite of our best efforts. More marriage counsellors need to understand attachment theory and how to work with the hormones.
I'm glad this resonates and that you found it helpful. I agree that attachment theory often overlooked in therapy and counselling, but it's crucial to recognize how foundational it is to our interactions and relationships. I'm right here if you need any help.
I had a 9 year long bond with a very avoidant man. He has the sweetest deepest soul, he is generous kind and funny.
I know he did his best to manage himself, but his best was very little and I was hurt all the time. The nicer the time together, the stronger his need to isolate himself and get dopamine from someone else. He also regularly needed to cut contact with his closest friends and family. I saw how much pain he caused to himself, and how unaware he was that this was the root cause.
I would be so happy for him to move to a secure attachment style, he is an amazing person and deserves happiness.
Its very hard for us to trust, and for the few we do, any little breach of that trust and we immediately withdraw. Id bet money hes been betrayed badly by someone close to him
I believe this was the first of your videos I found. Unfortunately too late to end on healthy terms but I’ve finally found light after 43 years of darkness. I can NOT wait to be able to get one on o e coaching with you!!
Hey Adam,
Thank you so much for all your effort and contribution, especially in clarifying the underlying reasons behind avoidant behavior for those with avoidant partners.
I've been in a 10-year relationship and, suddenly and unexpectedly, we're in a period of no contact without any major incident leading up to it.
Initially, it deeply hurt me. I watched countless videos about avoidant attachment on TH-cam and after six weeks of "self-study," I found you. Your insights made everything clearer!
Watching your videos, I understood and regained my secure attachment, which is my natural state. I now fully understand my (ex) partner's behavior, as it aligns perfectly with what you describe.
I wish I had known these facts earlier! Deep down, I always knew he loved me, but his way of expressing it was so different that I often communicated my doubts.
It's heartbreaking to realize that his childhood traumas have led to his current behavior. I know he's struggling with his emotions right now, but he would never admit it. We're in no contact again, and I'm giving him space and time to sort things out.
I am confident he will gain more clarity.
My primary and very pure wish for Antonio, above all else, is that he stays healthy, finds peace, and happiness!
Thanks again, Adam!
Hey Adam, this is the first of your videos I've seen, but I just want to say I appreciate it. You said your page has lots of followers who are women, as someone who has been watching psych videos especially about women and trying to understand their experience and processes more and relating to how Ive resonded in the past; I find it refreshing that people are seeking this info and learning how men operate and where we all can fall short in communication. I clicked on this thinking I might learn about myself and got more than I baragained for haha thank you!
That's wonderful! Thanks for tuning in! I'm glad you found the video insightful. If you ever have questions or topics you'd like to explore further, feel free to let me know. :)
Fantastic!!!! Love your videos!
Sounds like you know your stuff. Thanks for sharing- it was validating.... it is sad so much pain and confusion for no reason- just not understanding each other.
Glad you found it helpful. If you ever need support please don't hesitate to reach out to me at support@adamlanesmith.com - I'm here to help!
Best Video explaining the brain chemistry ever with Avoidant / Anxious relationship. Thank you!
Glad it was helpful!
Most dead on accurate video, you have made, about how I feel
I'm happy to hear that this resonates. Which part made you feel understood the most?
This was an amazing explanation, really showing both sides…
Thank you 🙏🏼
I knew he loved me from the first time I met him, I never doubted it because he is a very shy guy, but he couldn't hide his love in details...
I just don't understand that guy, he is so cold-blooded to the woman he loves and even abuses her... I'm shocked because there are still people like this...?
Think I just found a new favorite TH-cam relationship guru. Insightful commentary 😊
Glad to hear that! Welcome aboard and thanks for your kind words 😊
@@AttachmentAdam great stuff man. I love when I learn info that gives a scientific explanation to my lives experiences. Thx a bunch. I’ve always been trying to figure out what makes me fall in love. 😍 lol
I think that they probably show up initially to the relationship differently. The dopamine makes them do and say things that they mean at the time, but those feeling do not last. That's likely the reason their partners are so confused and hurt after a period of time. Adam said that the dopamine only lasts about 7 months, which seems right. But before that time they may act be very affectionate, calling or texting regularly. They can be very attentive during this initial time period. However, it doesn't last and they begin to withdraw the more affectionate behavior. This leaves their partner feeling alone and confused. The avoidant person may even gaslight the partner saying that they are now too needy, when actually the partner has not changed, but the avoidant has changed. The avoidant is now bored and will begin to seek out someone new for the dopamine rush. You can and should work on a relationship, but there are times when, if you have to put in so much time analyzing someone's behavior, you might think about just being on your own and pursuing other interests and working on yourself.
Good God. I even work in risk management. This explains so much.
Thank you! I NEEDED THIS TODAY!
What’s going on today, that this was helpful?
@@AttachmentAdam, I'm in a relationship with an avoidant man, and your videos have opened my eyes. They have given me clear ways to support him and hope. Thank you.
I assure you i do not think i am calm. But spot on wit the rest of it 😮💨
I'm happy to hear this video resonated, but why do you say you don't think you're calm? What is it that overwhelms you?
Hell I did. Took a buddy dying far too early for me to notice what my wife already had.
Amazing. I am close to joining the circle. Two more weeks. ❤
Love to hear it, and I look forward to working with you! What relationship challenge or attachment issue do you want to tackle first?
@@AttachmentAdam My husband is an avoidant. I WAS secure. Now I just mimic him. We have an ongoing issue surrounding a child he conceived before we met. I have been with him for thirty five (35)years… married for thirty(30).
Adam, I am ecstatic that you are clearly a master of your craft and i highly admire that. In addition, your energy is calming yet carries enthusiasm and interest in your subject. This is compelling. Plus the content you share is so helpful and clarifying. So thank you.
Adam, you are amazing. So clear. Thank you.❤
You’re so welcome, and thank you! Did you have a favorite moment in this video?
Brilliant❤ i am a guy with avoidant attachment. I think...
I hope to see what i can do.
Also i think anxious attachment are avoidant attachment.
For exemple a women feels shame, worthless because here dad abandoned here. She want to avoid that and so smothers here children and husband. That is a strategi to overwhelme people ,shock them and disarm them.
Love bombing.
With a good conscience.
That actualiy is a way to avoid.
Thank you very much for these videos! They have really elucidated some key things and helped put puzzle pieces together. For yrs I have wondered if I could have sone something more and maybe ended up with a family, something I really wanted. But your info, and this video in particular… Especially the portion about children, confirmed that divorcing truly was the best decision. It would have been far more devastating to have children bearing the same pain and confusion. I do appreciate having the solid info that brings comfort and validation to what was experienced and the end results.
Thank You for this.
Its made me realise how much he love(d/s) me...
I see how mufh effort hes put into this. I wish I'd seen this sooner. 😭
Maybe we'd still be together if we both understood this then...
An excellent video that describes me so well as an avoident who is no longer with a pwBPD that I believed was anxious preoccupied.
This is the best video I've seen on this topic 🤯🤯🤯
Thank you, I appreciate that! What stood out the most to you?
@@AttachmentAdam how you illustrated the hormones of the brain and how they show up
You are such a blessing. It's the truthful reality in a way I can digest and relate to right now so thank you. One of the most painful confusing connections of my life because I care and believes he loves and cares for me but there is a disconnect. I have to try all I can before giving up.
Thank you so much for your feedback, I appreciate it. Feel free to contact me if you need support, I'd love to help.
Extremely interesting and helpful 🙌🏼 Thank you
Glad it was helpful! 🙌🏼
This was extremely insightful!!!
So glad to hear it!
Oh man I think I play that part of an avoidant man too 😅thank you very enlightening but so complicated 😂 I will stick to my imaginary friends ❤
Avoidants love those who can be a resource. This is where knowing that love is not enough becomes significant.
As an avoidant who repremands dating I can't understand how someone with the same attachment even ends up in a relationship, it kinda defeats the meaning of being an avoidant if you're still dating.
Pleas Write a Book. I‘m from Germany and I can‘t take your courses. Your Content is great🎉
Thank you so much! Happy to have you here! I've actually written two books that you can find through these links: www.amazon.com/Exhausted-Wives-Bewildered-Husbands-marriage-ebook/dp/B07MXBXKKX and adamlanesmith.com/books/