Boundaries are authentic - to you. Authenticity is self-protection. Know who you are and stay strong in your standards. We all have an inherent right to be ourselves and not allow someone else's toxicity to overshadow or supress who we really are. Stay Healthy!
Boundaries are like a language, you need to learn: 1. What are your preferences? 2. What are your desires? 3. What are your limits? 4. What are your dealbreakers? Then there are different categories inside: 1. Physical 2. Material 3. Mental 4. Emotional The question should always be: What feels right for you? Boundaries are essential to letting the other person know, who you truly are, which goes hand in hand with being authentic in your life, which means being internal & external being consistent. Why is it difficult to set clear boundaries? 1. You often don't have the words 2. You do not know who you are from the inside 3. You avoid conflicts 4. You were trained to tolerate too much 5. Especially in history it was not common for women to demand something 6. You fear rejection Boundaries are healthy because they are a bridge to one another, which can deepen any relationship!!! How can you practize setting boundaries? 》Find out who you are 》Then start with distant people to train setting these boundaries Be aware: 》It is okay to say what you want for this gives clearness to yourself and the other person. 》Clear boundaries will give you inner peace 》Protect yourself by not revealing too much too soon, instead slow down 》Expect pushbacks from the other 》》"Navigate the conflicts in your life by being the storm yourself and the boat is your life" Thank you Dr Carter for introducing Terri Cole with this very important subject of boundaries, which by the way was a wonderful interview!!!
After a year narc free, it’s something that I’m practicing daily! If I don’t want to do it, I simply say no without any need to explain it. If someone tries to blame or shame me, it’s on them & I say so. People hate assertiveness, especially in women, so not only am I now a model for this strength but also a believer in calling out others for their wrong projections
Being a good girl all my life just gave me anxiety, depression and anxiety attacks, because all my emotions were trapped inside. The more healthy boundaries I set the healthier I became😀
was told in grade school when I turned in a project the teacher liked he actually said "you will make someone a good wife someday". Terri is spot on about how girls were supposed to act when I was growing up
Two of my favorite people! Boundaries are key when dealing with NPD for sure. They drive over them alllllll the time and then they back up and drive over them again.
They hate assertiveness and refuse to accept that that’s solely and entirely on them they want to pin it down on you why they can’t handle other people’s boundaries and instead of them to work on themselves and be better at accepting of other people’s boundaries instead, they go and figure out a way to make your life a living hell for you. Like my boundaries are mine what your problem? You just can’t win with them can you.
Oh my, this is so beautiful! Favorite line: good communication builds bridges not blocks to intimacy. That says it all. Thanks so much for this. Brilliant.
I like the distinction between compliant and compatible. (at around 23:39) I was raised to be compliant. Go along to get along. Don't rock the boat.....It always invited a boatload of trouble for me!!!
Thank you Dr Carter and Terri Cole 🌹 So true and validating! Once you start to set those boundaries you will be called difficult and mean. You have to be strong. It really hurts when the person you count on refuses to have your back.
This is 100% spot on and im experiencing it. You don't want to be enmeshed or codependant with them, you try asserting yourself and they get much much worse
Yes! Exactly. Adult relationships, no matter if its family etc - are voluntary. Rules for friendship are easy. One - always be yourself, no faking allowed. If you lie, we're done. Two - always leave the other person a way out if things don't work out the way both parties hoped for and expected. If we could all do this - there would be no issues or risks with friendships and beyond. Oh, and make sure you are not dealing with a NARC, we know they will never honor your boundaries!
Hurrah! A bright moment for us to celebrate in the topsy-turvy year of 2024.💫💫 Two ethical, inspiring, professionals who share their wisdom, their common sense & their caring with a twinkle in their eyes. Great going, folks. And thank you!
@@terri_cole I relate to the "Shoot from the hip" style a lot. Lol. Sometimes people don't accept what they feel is a targeted criticism. Especially when it's totally true! But I see we can never improve without recognising where our own faults lie first. Many thanks for your advice and help. God bless, for a very enjoyable podcast.
So good! Analogies for pictures were helpful. All this is so good, but when dealing with narcissistic people, they will NOT stop no matter how many times you tell them. You have to build physical walls with them and they just try to find a way through them, around them, or under them. I am exhausted dealing with them. I don't even want to be around people anymore. Most of them cause me anxiety. If a woman is assertive, they are a Karen or worse. If a man is aggressive it is supposed to be okay.
I've been learning in the last few years that it's possible--and desirable-- to have preferences without being demanding. My partner is a dominant person and was involved in the kink community for many years, and I'm a submissive person with strong but flexible opinions. When we first started dating, he taught me more than I ever thought there was to learn about boundaries; he asked about my preferences as well as my needs and desires, and if I didn't have a preference he dug until I expressed which direction I was leaning. It's empowering to know what I like or don't, and what gets a Hard No, and then to be aware when those lines are breached. At least then I have a choice about whether to do anything about it or not, which leads to greater understanding of my boundaries. Everything feeds into everything else!
This interview made boundaries so clear! I have struggled with this definition but Terri really spelled it out I especially liked the "OK" and "Not OK" list. There are good examples that really resonated with me too! Thanks both! 😊
Awesome interview, DrC! Thank you both! I haven’t journaled for so long having been getting the store up and running. When Terri first mentioned her four key points (before you had asked her to repeat them,) I immediately had the urge to journal. Such good and helpful points! Worth remembering!!! Just so you know, we are gearing up for our big 1st birthday celebration this weekend! We are treating our guests to all kinds of goodies! I mostly can’t believe it’s been a whole year (my feet quickly remind me otherwise haha.) Thank you again for helping me on the journey! Boundaries for empaths and for people raised in super scary and controlling homes can be very confusing. My first attempt to understand them was way back in the early nineties when I first read Townswnd’s book on boundaries. I am much better with them now- now that I am back to being free to be me 💜 Have an awesome rest of your week! And have a great live video today with Team Healthy!!!
Truly enjoyed your conversation on boundaries, and plan on buying the book. I did set boundaries with my narcissist/ borderline personality disorder son. As you can imagine the verbal abuse I endured for years. He became too toxic. He chose suicide 4 months ago. Devastating to all involved. For my own survival I had to set boundaries.
So excited for this! Thanks for having this discussion… two of my favorite voices on one of my (sadly) most needed topics of study. Love to you both. ❤️
Great information! Might I also say that setting boundaries can be difficult for those who are accustomed to your people-pleasing. I remember something someone just recently said: "If you are going to state your boundaries, be mindful of the response." If people are used to how we once behaved towards aggression and we know longer engage in it, that can be very difficult for the other person who is not used to us standing up for ourselves. That's perfectly okay. They can feel anyway they want. Still, we stand by what we mean.
Yes! When we start setting boundaries, we change the dance we've been doing with people for years, and it takes a minute for them to catch onto the new choreography. (And some may never want to learn.) You know the people in your life best. It can be wise to state your boundaries when someone is most capable of receiving them (if they're not a boundary destroyer). For example, maybe not first thing in the morning if the person needs time to wake up and have their coffee. But yes, people are allowed to feel how they're going to feel about it, and it is still your right to draw that boundary!
I completely appreciate the last part of this video. Compliance is exactly what I'm dealing with. Push back won't kill you. Thank you. I have the right to my perspective, my corrections of false accusations of me such as telling me what I'm thinking, saying, feeling and not allowing me to speak until then after arguing I'm baffled, confused and forgot what I was going to say. GREAT CLOSURE ON THIS VIDEO THANK YOU BOTH. I GET IT.
Thank you for organising this great interview Les. I have bought her book on audible. I’m looking forward to being able to complete Free to be and then buying This is Me, your other course, when I have some free time from my uni study workload in June. I want to immerse myself back into it. So much to contemplate in your courses. I’m going to go back and do again once finished because when you have grown and then revisit it you can see so much more. Thank you again.
Thank you for this video! I am at that point in my life where I am realizing all of these things. I am so grateful to wonderful people like yourselves that are helping me and so many others figure this stuff out. My husband and I have been talking about authentic self and it’s hard to come by. It’s sad! I am myself with everyone regardless if it’s a friend, family or client. The only time I notice I’m not 100%myself is when I’m around others who are not comfortable in their own skin. Anyways, be yourself and be happy 🙃☺️as long as no one is getting hurt do what ya wanna to be happy! Stay true to who you are don’t let anyone Take That away! ❤
Thank you for a very supportive conversation. Setting and enforcing our Boundaries are crucial to start healing from our childhood wounds and develop healthy and loving relationships.
Yes, I love the calm demeanor no matter what is being discussed. This is the 'kind of peace' I am striving for deep within myself. Having boundaries has been a real discovery for me, and it definitely takes practice to start to really 'feel' comfortable and okay with it. This was another super informative interview for me, so for that, thank you very much. ❤
This is so helpful! Thank you both so much!! I can't wait to learn and put my boundaries, that I thought I was doing them right, into a much better way of communicating! 😊
Dr. C, that was a terrific interview! I am one of those boundaryless women in my sixth decade practicing boundaries now. Just loved your guest! Thank you so much Dr. C for helping me so much!
Terri's analogy of your life being a boat which is either tossed by storm or which you direct, reminds me of the Bible's words about either being the head (deciding) or the tail (taken along wherever).
Thank you so much for this DR Les and Terri, This was absolutely tremendous, I'm not a push over and I won't allow this person to step all over my boundaries and human rights, I know what they are, I've made myself clear, I don't want anything to do with them, I now have iron steel boundaries, I know my s3lf worth and my dignity and self respect comes first, Peace, love and respect to you both , Thank you universe, All glory to the most high God 😃🕆🕊🌈❤💛💜💙💗😇🌹😊📚🦄🍄⚖😘
The major boundary that I had violated was I didn’t want to be in a relationship with the narcissist but I ended up being their ‘friend’ when I hadn’t wanted that because I saw through how she was with boundaries with herself and other people like over sharing herself and also overstepping other people’s boundaries and acting defensive with other people’s boundaries it was just a mess and I didn’t want that in my life so not being her friend was me protecting myself but I didn’t know when we became‘friends’’ and the boundaries violation just never stopped I couldn’t control or manage it 😢. It messed up my life. So I feel deeply resentful and the emotional pain I get from that is simply undissolvable. Exactly the price of the relationship is too high as I have already assessed and not willing to be her ‘friend’
"One of biggest myths is if you have good boundaries, you're mean." I would focus on this urge to be afraid of other person holding an opinion about us that includes this mean label. That is the central problem, our worry that someone may think badly about us and have bad opinions about us - and then we overcompensate in order to farm someone's good opinion about us - and then we end without boundaries and not knowing who we are. "Many clients don't know what their preferences are. " I believe this is due to ACE and ACoA - our Self was never developed since we were criticized by someone in authority power position who acts like narcissists - constant criticism, punishment, nitpicking, error finding, fault finding. How could we learn that we have rights in such ambient. And then being instructed to worry how other people think and judge about us who we are as person. Then our personality becomes preventive pre-emptive machine that must not have preferences - since preferences mean making someone unhappy for us not being available to smile and work for them and fixing their moods and problems. I would constantly put this focus back into our view: that all our problems related to boundaries are stemming from the conditioned fear, reflexive fear, learned fear, hypnotized fear that we depend on what the other person may form image opinion about us in their head - and that is the well of toxic shame where inner criticism and social anxiety is erupting from. We close the trauma rupture - by not caring what other person thinks about us, that we allow other people to hold whatever bad negative opinion about us that they may form in their thinking process. Where of course in reality - we are not 100% in their awareness. Realistically we are cca 5% of their awareness if we are in contact with them. They don't even think about us at all. Even NPDers and BPDers. They have so much hatred they hang onto, so much rancour. Not our split image that they have inside their mind - and let them have it whatever they conjure and being fine with it. If we are not content with what other people think about us - we will be hooked into toxic shame - trying to please others and trying to make others happy so that they think good about us.
People have to respect boundaries and when they don't it is a red flag. I can relate to knowing myself to be easy going and trustworthy but thinking other people are like that but they are not.
Yes I do have problem communicating my boundaries because I’m being told that I am rude. I had someone accuse me of giving them ‘polite insults’ conflict conflict conflict. I resorted to keeping quiet and no longer asserting or communicating my boundaries so much that I have completely forgotten about them I completely forget i should have and it is in my right to have boundaries and assert them and also have them respected so I’m just avoidant of people and I am overtly vigilant and I am just not a free person and always anxious and depressed. 😢
I’m still trying to figure out the right balance on this one because of two women i know who use what they consider to be healthy boundary setting to be what I consider to be cruel, disrespectful of others needs and wants, controlling and manipulative. They don’t seem capable of believing that everyone else has the same rights that they do, and so every interaction is so draining with them because I have to continually defend and protect my boundaries. And I sure dont ever want to have that effect on others, though I’m thankful these two women have learned how to express themselves and know what they want and think they need
I have a video about boundaries and coercive control, but in my opinion, boundaries are your own personal rules of engagement, and they are not about trying to control anyone. Having healthy boundaries also doesn't mean we don't compromise! We do, but mindfully and intentionally. I hope that helps❤
For me boundaries start with how I want to be treated and what I want to get out of life.. It is about me not abandoning myself.. I let myself down once then it leads to a downward spiral..
People that were violating my boundaries made believe I’m not entitled to my own preferences, opinions, wants, etc I was made to feel bad and the narcissist always getting mad and hurting me severely saying hurtful things to me shouting and being aggressive and severely rude to me. I feel so violated. It been a long time but the pain never goes away
Would love to hear your take on how to be autonomous ❤ surrounded by narcissists my whole life. Struggling with making decisions, Plans, big and small. I now know it has to come from me. For the first time in life
The only clear deal breaker I laid with my ex was that if he ever were to assault me physically, he would never see me again. So he focused on emotional abuse. I left eventually. I didn’t know better at the time, emotional abuse is more insidious and therefore more destructive…
Exactly I just stopped communicating my boundaries because a narcissist will just develop other means to still hurt you. They just never learn and never want to respect other people’s boundaries their main aim and goal in life is to hurt you as that will incredibly make their lives so much better.
The book entitled 'Boundaries' authored by John Townsend and Henry Cloud is a excellent resource for learning about boundaries and how to set boundaries.
In the 1980's, I was at a really nice restaurant on a date with a man who was in therapy. He was "learning" how to express himself, he said. He ordered lentil soup. After sampling it, he told the waiter he would now prefer instead, the mushroom soup. The waiter asked, "Is there anything wrong with the lentil soup, sir?" "No," he answered, "I just changed my mind. I don't expect you'll charge me for the lentil soup." Hopefully, therapy has addressed this maladaptive way of thinking by now!
If someone believes I am not good enough at dancing for them they don''t have to dance with me. Instead they can go to the next person to dance with. That is their right to do so. I am not their plastic balerina toy in a jewelry box for them to buy. Furthermore I don't deserve to be accused of being defecitve in my style of communication only because I found out the hard way I was living with someone who became homicidal. That is a boundary which I had trouble setting while needing emergency medical care. I no longer have trouble setting boundaries since then.
My community, my name linda, I like the comments, Fred, yes indeed, I'm in Texas right now, central time, thanks Doctor Carter, yes sir, I appreciate this community, yes sir, it's like, I'm not supposed to be ugly, but I was, man Doctor, help us,
The narcissist in my life insists that ghosting me is a boundary and then seems to set vague boundaries that I will obviously cross because the ghosting starts, but when I explicitly ask him what the boundary is, he ignores me. The justification is that because I have ignored his boundaries, it's not reasonable to try to explain his boundaries to me.
not pertinent to this video specifically but I think you should do one focused on the tactic of STEALING FEELINGS. My covert narc mother takes my feelings for her own. Which is the height of dismissiveness. I'm just fodder for her emotionally manipulative canon. There's the usual... "I could say the same about you" but then there's obvious theft where (this is only 1 example) for the first time, I expressed "no one has ever apologized to me and meant it." 2 days later, she said same thing to me.
I found out thirty years ago from my first day on the job in a mostly male environment that even with sexual harassment I had to go along to not be called a troublemaker. Or even be targeted and possibly get fired.
So if we compromise inadvertently our own boundaries and if there’s narcissist on the other side of equation there will be no equation left to start with.
Hello Dr. Carter, I've found your videos very healing. May I suggest you please have Jay Reid, a licensed psychotherapist in California who specializes in scapegoat recovery from narcissistic parents, as a guest on this video series? Thank you for the consideration. 🙏
Very cool, Dr. C! I like these collaborations! You know what would be very interesting? You should interview Lee Hammock. He is a self aware narcissist who has a TH-cam channel. There's an angle for you to explore. He's quite likable and has a large following.
I'm very reluctant to interview someone who identifies as a self aware narcissist who wants to offer guidance. It doesn't seem congruent. But maybe that's just me.
@@SurvivingNarcissism Exactly right, that guys an absolute fraud. We don't want the advice of a person like that. I'd rather hear what Gus had to say about things than that guy!
@@DailyCorvid I wasn't thinking in terms of him giving us advice, but more like Dr. C. asking questions related to how narcissists think and process, and the "why" behind some of their actions. Dr. Sam Valknin also carries the diagnosis of NPD and has a YT channel. I find it interesting to hear about NPD from the perspective of someone who has it. It's been enlightening. At the end of the day, TH-cam is the closest I ever want to get to a narcissist. Been there, done that.
25:59 Nope!! I can’t say I agree with her here, AT ALL. If there’s one thing that I did is be the better person and did things more than right.. all to just get used against me.
Be aware that the boundary quiz forces you to provide an email to get the results. Don't make the emotional investment to go through the questions if you are uncomfortable giving out contact info
Look here, my goodness, this is scary, they or trying to feed people to the dogs, this is rough and tough, please be ok, hec, I turned against the wind, being ugly, it sure is cold in them there hills, My Doctor rules, his staff rules, his wife can cook great food, I seen her one day, in his office, with a bundle of joy, brand new baby
My other phone, it rules, my Doctor is on there machines too, I did that, I like to listen, man o man, me o my, plus my community is with another country, my community rules always,
A neighbor of Mine talked over my No- I am Not discuss this with you- and continued talking, so I left. Now we Don ' t Talk. If she doesn' t listen, she is Not Worth my time...
You truly cant establish boundaries with a narcissist and you definately cant talk to them about how you feel because they dont care. Boundaries with a narcissist are for you to establish to keep your mental health healthy. Like nonis a complete sentence. Not being defensive or justifying yourself.
Boundaries are authentic - to you. Authenticity is self-protection. Know who you are and stay strong in your standards. We all have an inherent right to be ourselves and not allow someone else's toxicity to overshadow or supress who we really are. Stay Healthy!
Well said!
Right on!
Boundaries are like a language, you need to learn:
1. What are your preferences?
2. What are your desires?
3. What are your limits?
4. What are your dealbreakers?
Then there are different categories inside:
1. Physical
2. Material
3. Mental
4. Emotional
The question should always be:
What feels right for you?
Boundaries are essential to letting the other person know, who you truly are, which goes hand in hand with being authentic in your life, which means being internal & external being consistent.
Why is it difficult to set clear boundaries?
1. You often don't have the words
2. You do not know who you are from the inside
3. You avoid conflicts
4. You were trained to tolerate too much
5. Especially in history it was not common for women to demand something
6. You fear rejection
Boundaries are healthy because they are a bridge to one another, which can deepen any relationship!!!
How can you practize setting boundaries?
》Find out who you are
》Then start with distant people to train setting these boundaries
Be aware:
》It is okay to say what you want for this gives clearness to yourself and the other person.
》Clear boundaries will give you inner peace
》Protect yourself by not revealing too much too soon, instead slow down
》Expect pushbacks from the other
》》"Navigate the conflicts in your life by being the storm yourself and the boat is your life"
Thank you Dr Carter for introducing Terri Cole with this very important subject of boundaries, which by the way was a wonderful interview!!!
Thanx ❤️🩹
Thanks for sharing this
Great notes, Roxy!
@@RN-gx7wt thanks for sharing this perspective too
Thank you Roxy!! I love how you do this💜🐥🐾✨🙏💚
After a year narc free, it’s something that I’m practicing daily! If I don’t want to do it, I simply say no without any need to explain it. If someone tries to blame or shame me, it’s on them & I say so. People hate assertiveness, especially in women, so not only am I now a model for this strength but also a believer in calling out others for their wrong projections
Woohoo, go Carole! 👏👏👏
Yes. I don’t know what people’s problem s are they hate assertiveness and fail to recognise that’s on them and it’s not my problem.
Being a good girl all my life just gave me anxiety, depression and anxiety attacks, because all my emotions were trapped inside. The more healthy boundaries I set the healthier I became😀
Amazing work! 🙌🙌
Her voice is so soothing, just became calm by listening to this voice... Thanks Dr. C...
It was so nice to see you both together.
Two of my favorite TH-cam people.
❤
was told in grade school when I turned in a project the teacher liked he actually said "you will make someone a good wife someday". Terri is spot on about how girls were supposed to act when I was growing up
Two of my favorite people! Boundaries are key when dealing with NPD for sure. They drive over them alllllll the time and then they back up and drive over them again.
That's so true and is possibly one way to tell how bad their narcissism is. How self centred they are....
They hate assertiveness and refuse to accept that that’s solely and entirely on them they want to pin it down on you why they can’t handle other people’s boundaries and instead of them to work on themselves and be better at accepting of other people’s boundaries instead, they go and figure out a way to make your life a living hell for you. Like my boundaries are mine what your problem? You just can’t win with them can you.
Thank you. I'm 61 and have learned so much from this conversation. Getting that book!
I hope you enjoy it! 💕
Oh my, this is so beautiful! Favorite line: good communication builds bridges not blocks to intimacy.
That says it all. Thanks so much for this. Brilliant.
Glad you enjoyed it!
Oh my gosh! Two of my daily therapists in one! 💕
❤❤
I like the distinction between compliant and compatible. (at around 23:39) I was raised to be compliant. Go along to get along. Don't rock the boat.....It always invited a boatload of trouble for me!!!
Thank you Dr Carter and Terri Cole 🌹 So true and validating! Once you start to set those boundaries you will be called difficult and mean. You have to be strong. It really hurts when the person you count on refuses to have your back.
You are so welcome
This is 100% spot on and im experiencing it. You don't want to be enmeshed or codependant with them, you try asserting yourself and they get much much worse
Yes! Exactly. Adult relationships, no matter if its family etc - are voluntary. Rules for friendship are easy. One - always be yourself, no faking allowed. If you lie, we're done. Two - always leave the other person a way out if things don't work out the way both parties hoped for and expected. If we could all do this - there would be no issues or risks with friendships and beyond. Oh, and make sure you are not dealing with a NARC, we know they will never honor your boundaries!
Great interview. Thank you Ms. Terri Coles, Dr. Carter and Team Healthy. ❤ ❤️
So happy you two are together on this!
Hurrah! A bright moment for us to celebrate in the topsy-turvy year of 2024.💫💫
Two ethical, inspiring, professionals who share their wisdom, their common sense & their caring with a twinkle in their eyes.
Great going, folks. And thank you!
Thanks so much!
In order to create boundaries, you need a self to build them around.
And that can be seen as a threat.
@@well_weatheredexactly
Terri is very direct, and seems to be full of great advice. A great pairing with Dr C! Enjoying this one a lot :)
Thanks! 💕
@@terri_cole I relate to the "Shoot from the hip" style a lot. Lol. Sometimes people don't accept what they feel is a targeted criticism.
Especially when it's totally true! But I see we can never improve without recognising where our own faults lie first.
Many thanks for your advice and help. God bless, for a very enjoyable podcast.
So good! Analogies for pictures were helpful. All this is so good, but when dealing with narcissistic people, they will NOT stop no matter how many times you tell them. You have to build physical walls with them and they just try to find a way through them, around them, or under them. I am exhausted dealing with them. I don't even want to be around people anymore. Most of them cause me anxiety. If a woman is assertive, they are a Karen or worse. If a man is aggressive it is supposed to be okay.
I've been learning in the last few years that it's possible--and desirable-- to have preferences without being demanding. My partner is a dominant person and was involved in the kink community for many years, and I'm a submissive person with strong but flexible opinions. When we first started dating, he taught me more than I ever thought there was to learn about boundaries; he asked about my preferences as well as my needs and desires, and if I didn't have a preference he dug until I expressed which direction I was leaning. It's empowering to know what I like or don't, and what gets a Hard No, and then to be aware when those lines are breached. At least then I have a choice about whether to do anything about it or not, which leads to greater understanding of my boundaries. Everything feeds into everything else!
This interview made boundaries so clear! I have struggled with this definition but Terri really spelled it out I especially liked the "OK" and "Not OK" list. There are good examples that really resonated with me too! Thanks both! 😊
So glad to hear it was helpful!
Awesome interview, DrC! Thank you both! I haven’t journaled for so long having been getting the store up and running. When Terri first mentioned her four key points (before you had asked her to repeat them,) I immediately had the urge to journal. Such good and helpful points! Worth remembering!!!
Just so you know, we are gearing up for our big 1st birthday celebration this weekend! We are treating our guests to all kinds of goodies! I mostly can’t believe it’s been a whole year (my feet quickly remind me otherwise haha.) Thank you again for helping me on the journey! Boundaries for empaths and for people raised in super scary and controlling homes can be very confusing. My first attempt to understand them was way back in the early nineties when I first read Townswnd’s book on boundaries. I am much better with them now- now that I am back to being free to be me 💜
Have an awesome rest of your week! And have a great live video today with Team Healthy!!!
Way to go, Kelly! Hope the weekend it awesome. You are such an inspiration, please know that.
Truly enjoyed your conversation on boundaries, and plan on buying the book. I did set boundaries with my narcissist/ borderline personality disorder son. As you can imagine the verbal abuse I endured for years. He became too toxic. He chose suicide 4 months ago. Devastating to all involved. For my own survival I had to set boundaries.
❤️🩹 his choice
You had to protect yourself. I’m so sorry for your loss.
I am witnessing you with so much compassion and sending love, Cathy ❤
So excited for this! Thanks for having this discussion… two of my favorite voices on one of my (sadly) most needed topics of study. Love to you both. ❤️
Thank youuu 💕
Great video! How to have Healthy boundaries are Lessons we Learn ALL too late in life….at least I did. Hi to Gus!
Great information! Might I also say that setting boundaries can be difficult for those who are accustomed to your people-pleasing. I remember something someone just recently said: "If you are going to state your boundaries, be mindful of the response." If people are used to how we once behaved towards aggression and we know longer engage in it, that can be very difficult for the other person who is not used to us standing up for ourselves. That's perfectly okay. They can feel anyway they want. Still, we stand by what we mean.
Yes! When we start setting boundaries, we change the dance we've been doing with people for years, and it takes a minute for them to catch onto the new choreography. (And some may never want to learn.) You know the people in your life best. It can be wise to state your boundaries when someone is most capable of receiving them (if they're not a boundary destroyer). For example, maybe not first thing in the morning if the person needs time to wake up and have their coffee. But yes, people are allowed to feel how they're going to feel about it, and it is still your right to draw that boundary!
I completely appreciate the last part of this video. Compliance is exactly what I'm dealing with. Push back won't kill you. Thank you. I have the right to my perspective, my corrections of false accusations of me such as telling me what I'm thinking, saying, feeling and not allowing me to speak until then after arguing I'm baffled, confused and forgot what I was going to say. GREAT CLOSURE ON THIS VIDEO THANK YOU BOTH. I GET IT.
Thank you for organising this great interview Les. I have bought her book on audible. I’m looking forward to being able to complete Free to be and then buying This is Me, your other course, when I have some free time from my uni study workload in June. I want to immerse myself back into it. So much to contemplate in your courses. I’m going to go back and do again once finished because when you have grown and then revisit it you can see so much more. Thank you again.
Thank you for this video! I am at that point in my life where I am realizing all of these things. I am so grateful to wonderful people like yourselves that are helping me and so many others figure this stuff out. My husband and I have been talking about authentic self and it’s hard to come by. It’s sad! I am myself with everyone regardless if it’s a friend, family or client. The only time I notice I’m not 100%myself is when I’m around others who are not comfortable in their own skin. Anyways, be yourself and be happy 🙃☺️as long as no one is getting hurt do what ya wanna to be happy! Stay true to who you are don’t let anyone Take
That away! ❤
Right on, Monie! 💕
This is so powerful!!! Need to watch and re-watch this several times. Thank you for this video!
Great conversation and practical help! Much appreciation to you both.
Excellent episode, very helpful; boundaries have been a lifelong struggle for me
Glad it was helpful!
Thank you for a very supportive conversation. Setting and enforcing our Boundaries are crucial to start healing from our childhood wounds and develop healthy and loving relationships.
She does make some very good points and verbalizes issues which is very helpful
This video is absolute GOLD!
Pleased!
Yes, I love the calm demeanor no matter what is being discussed. This is the 'kind of peace' I am striving for deep within myself. Having boundaries has been a real discovery for me, and it definitely takes practice to start to really 'feel' comfortable and okay with it. This was another super informative interview for me, so for that, thank you very much. ❤
Thank you so much for this conversation!! It is a godsend for what I am dealing with right now! ❤
This is a fantastic video. Thank you both.
This is so helpful! Thank you both so much!! I can't wait to learn and put my boundaries, that I thought I was doing them right, into a much better way of communicating! 😊
Thank you Terri and Dr. C.
This hits home big time….outer peace does not necessarily equal inner peace.
Dr. C, that was a terrific interview! I am one of those boundaryless women in my sixth decade practicing boundaries now. Just loved your guest! Thank you so much Dr. C for helping me so much!
Terri's analogy of your life being a boat which is either tossed by storm or which you direct, reminds me of the Bible's words about either being the head (deciding) or the tail (taken along wherever).
One of my favorites...
Excellent topic! Thank you!
Thank you so much for this DR Les and Terri, This was absolutely tremendous, I'm not a push over and I won't allow this person to step all over my boundaries and human rights, I know what they are, I've made myself clear, I don't want anything to do with them, I now have iron steel boundaries, I know my s3lf worth and my dignity and self respect comes first, Peace, love and respect to you both , Thank you universe, All glory to the most high God 😃🕆🕊🌈❤💛💜💙💗😇🌹😊📚🦄🍄⚖😘
We love Terri!! 🙌🏻💞
❤❤❤
This is GOLD! Thank you for having her in here! ❤❤❤
Terri Cole is COOL!
I loved this conversation, very helpful. I appreciate it, both of you 😊
Glad you enjoyed it!
I took the quiz. I'm BALANCED‼️🎉😁. Thanks Dr. C👍👏👏. Been working with you for 5 years 💞 You're a sanity saver (Saviour?😂)
So pleased for you, Leandra!
I love her energy.
I really enjoyed her too. I recently reciprocated and was recorded by her for a podcast, but I'm not sure of its timing.
@@SurvivingNarcissism I can’t wait to hear it! You do great work here, Dr. Carter.
The major boundary that I had violated was I didn’t want to be in a relationship with the narcissist but I ended up being their ‘friend’ when I hadn’t wanted that because I saw through how she was with boundaries with herself and other people like over sharing herself and also overstepping other people’s boundaries and acting defensive with other people’s boundaries it was just a mess and I didn’t want that in my life so not being her friend was me protecting myself but I didn’t know when we became‘friends’’ and the boundaries violation just never stopped I couldn’t control or manage it 😢. It messed up my life. So I feel deeply resentful and the emotional pain I get from that is simply undissolvable. Exactly the price of the relationship is too high as I have already assessed and not willing to be her ‘friend’
Thank you. 😊
Excellent session and I learned so much about setting boundaries. Thank you!
So pleased, Joan. Great to hear from you.
Dr C 😮wow!....Terry has been with me even before I saw Dr George Simon, Meriditha
Miller, etc etc please bring David E Clarke PhD
"One of biggest myths is if you have good boundaries, you're mean."
I would focus on this urge to be afraid of other person holding an opinion about us that includes this mean label.
That is the central problem, our worry that someone may think badly about us and have bad opinions about us - and then we overcompensate in order to farm someone's good opinion about us - and then we end without boundaries and not knowing who we are.
"Many clients don't know what their preferences are. "
I believe this is due to ACE and ACoA - our Self was never developed since we were criticized by someone in authority power position who acts like narcissists - constant criticism, punishment, nitpicking, error finding, fault finding.
How could we learn that we have rights in such ambient. And then being instructed to worry how other people think and judge about us who we are as person. Then our personality becomes preventive pre-emptive machine that must not have preferences - since preferences mean making someone unhappy for us not being available to smile and work for them and fixing their moods and problems.
I would constantly put this focus back into our view:
that all our problems related to boundaries are stemming from the conditioned fear, reflexive fear, learned fear, hypnotized fear that we depend on what the other person may form image opinion about us in their head - and that is the well of toxic shame where inner criticism and social anxiety is erupting from. We close the trauma rupture - by not caring what other person thinks about us, that we allow other people to hold whatever bad negative opinion about us that they may form in their thinking process. Where of course in reality - we are not 100% in their awareness. Realistically we are cca 5% of their awareness if we are in contact with them. They don't even think about us at all. Even NPDers and BPDers. They have so much hatred they hang onto, so much rancour. Not our split image that they have inside their mind - and let them have it whatever they conjure and being fine with it.
If we are not content with what other people think about us - we will be hooked into toxic shame - trying to please others and trying to make others happy so that they think good about us.
People have to respect boundaries and when they don't it is a red flag. I can relate to knowing myself to be easy going and trustworthy but thinking other people are like that but they are not.
Yes a big red flag.
Thank you for the 'kicked a bruise' analogy.
Yes I do have problem communicating my boundaries because I’m being told that I am rude. I had someone accuse me of giving them ‘polite insults’ conflict conflict conflict. I resorted to keeping quiet and no longer asserting or communicating my boundaries so much that I have completely forgotten about them I completely forget i should have and it is in my right to have boundaries and assert them and also have them respected so I’m just avoidant of people and I am overtly vigilant and I am just not a free person and always anxious and depressed. 😢
Thanks ❤
wonderful interview.
I’m still trying to figure out the right balance on this one because of two women i know who use what they consider to be healthy boundary setting to be what I consider to be cruel, disrespectful of others needs and wants, controlling and manipulative. They don’t seem capable of believing that everyone else has the same rights that they do, and so every interaction is so draining with them because I have to continually defend and protect my boundaries. And I sure dont ever want to have that effect on others, though I’m thankful these two women have learned how to express themselves and know what they want and think they need
I have a video about boundaries and coercive control, but in my opinion, boundaries are your own personal rules of engagement, and they are not about trying to control anyone. Having healthy boundaries also doesn't mean we don't compromise! We do, but mindfully and intentionally. I hope that helps❤
For me boundaries start with how I want to be treated and what I want to get out of life.. It is about me not abandoning myself.. I let myself down once then it leads to a downward spiral..
Love that ❤ Internal boundaries are so important!
@@terri_cole Thank you.. I guess it is internal boundary day for me today because I got another message on emotional detachment..
❤Just got your book.
Top content!
People that were violating my boundaries made believe I’m not entitled to my own preferences, opinions, wants, etc I was made to feel bad and the narcissist always getting mad and hurting me severely saying hurtful things to me shouting and being aggressive and severely rude to me. I feel so violated. It been a long time but the pain never goes away
Great interview, thank you ❤
Glad you enjoyed it!
Would love to hear your take on how to be autonomous ❤ surrounded by narcissists my whole life. Struggling with making decisions,
Plans, big and small. I now know it has to come from me. For the first time in life
The only clear deal breaker I laid with my ex was that if he ever were to assault me physically, he would never see me again. So he focused on emotional abuse. I left eventually. I didn’t know better at the time, emotional abuse is more insidious and therefore more destructive…
Exactly I just stopped communicating my boundaries because a narcissist will just develop other means to still hurt you. They just never learn and never want to respect other people’s boundaries their main aim and goal in life is to hurt you as that will incredibly make their lives so much better.
Good program.
took the boundary quiz from her site. It says I'm "in balance." Old carpenter joke pending.
Carpenter joke - You can tell if a guy is on the level if his bubble is in the middle.
Hmm ....spirit level , ain't it.
@@aaronkwolfe🙃😅
Thanks..good reinforcement
You're welcome!
Even our eyes to see one another clearly there has to be a limit of a minimum distance .
The book entitled 'Boundaries' authored by John Townsend and Henry Cloud is a excellent resource for learning about boundaries and how to set boundaries.
I know those guys. It put them on the map.
In the 1980's, I was at a really nice restaurant on a date with a man who was in therapy. He was "learning" how to express himself, he said. He ordered lentil soup. After sampling it, he told the waiter he would now prefer instead, the mushroom soup. The waiter asked, "Is there anything wrong with the lentil soup, sir?" "No," he answered, "I just changed my mind. I don't expect you'll charge me for the lentil soup." Hopefully, therapy has addressed this maladaptive way of thinking by now!
40 years later, you'd hope he's grown up a bit!!
@@SurvivingNarcissism , He died not long after, of a massive heart attack on the golf course in the middle of a swing!
If someone believes I am not good enough at dancing for them they don''t have to dance with me. Instead they can go to the next person to dance with. That is their right to do so. I am not their plastic balerina toy in a jewelry box for them to buy. Furthermore I don't deserve to be accused of being defecitve in my style of communication only because I found out the hard way I was living with someone who became homicidal. That is a boundary which I had trouble setting while needing emergency medical care. I no longer have trouble setting boundaries since then.
Narcissist still wanna dance with you still and drain the life out of you.
I'm ordering the book.
Dr.C look up the song
Move on by ABBA.
My community, my name linda, I like the comments, Fred, yes indeed, I'm in Texas right now, central time, thanks Doctor Carter, yes sir, I appreciate this community, yes sir, it's like, I'm not supposed to be ugly, but I was, man Doctor, help us,
Love that group!
The narcissist in my life insists that ghosting me is a boundary and then seems to set vague boundaries that I will obviously cross because the ghosting starts, but when I explicitly ask him what the boundary is, he ignores me. The justification is that because I have ignored his boundaries, it's not reasonable to try to explain his boundaries to me.
not pertinent to this video specifically but I think you should do one focused on the tactic of STEALING FEELINGS. My covert narc mother takes my feelings for her own. Which is the height of dismissiveness. I'm just fodder for her emotionally manipulative canon. There's the usual... "I could say the same about you" but then there's obvious theft where (this is only 1 example) for the first time, I expressed "no one has ever apologized to me and meant it." 2 days later, she said same thing to me.
They will steal more than just your feelings. They will steal your ideas & take credit for them tooo😮😮😮
I found out thirty years ago from my first day on the job in a mostly male environment that even with sexual harassment I had to go along to not be called a troublemaker. Or even be targeted and possibly get fired.
So how do we enforce our boundaries especially with narcissist
So if we compromise inadvertently our own boundaries and if there’s narcissist on the other side of equation there will be no equation left to start with.
Hello Dr. Carter, I've found your videos very healing. May I suggest you please have Jay Reid, a licensed psychotherapist in California who specializes in scapegoat recovery from narcissistic parents, as a guest on this video series? Thank you for the consideration. 🙏
Thanks, I'll look him up!
I hate it when I say no and they want to know why and what I’m doing to keep me from helping them, etc.
Very cool, Dr. C! I like these collaborations! You know what would be very interesting? You should interview Lee Hammock. He is a self aware narcissist who has a TH-cam channel. There's an angle for you to explore. He's quite likable and has a large following.
I'm very reluctant to interview someone who identifies as a self aware narcissist who wants to offer guidance. It doesn't seem congruent. But maybe that's just me.
@@SurvivingNarcissism Understandable. Thank you for responding. ❤️🙏🏼
@@SurvivingNarcissism Exactly right, that guys an absolute fraud. We don't want the advice of a person like that. I'd rather hear what Gus had to say about things than that guy!
@@DailyCorvid I wasn't thinking in terms of him giving us advice, but more like Dr. C. asking questions related to how narcissists think and process, and the "why" behind some of their actions. Dr. Sam Valknin also carries the diagnosis of NPD and has a YT channel. I find it interesting to hear about NPD from the perspective of someone who has it. It's been enlightening. At the end of the day, TH-cam is the closest I ever want to get to a narcissist. Been there, done that.
25:59 Nope!! I can’t say I agree with her here, AT ALL. If there’s one thing that I did is be the better person and did things more than right.. all to just get used against me.
Yes I have respect ed people thinking I’m respecting their boundaries but in the actual fact they’re the ones violating my boundaries severely
Be aware that the boundary quiz forces you to provide an email to get the results. Don't make the emotional investment to go through the questions if you are uncomfortable giving out contact info
I cannot seem to assert boundaries without explaining myself or saying sorry. So then the narcissist sees me as weak. Coming at me over and over
Terri is so cold, and the doc is so dignified and decent. This should be interesting!
Look here, my goodness, this is scary, they or trying to feed people to the dogs, this is rough and tough, please be ok, hec, I turned against the wind, being ugly, it sure is cold in them there hills, My Doctor rules, his staff rules, his wife can cook great food, I seen her one day, in his office, with a bundle of joy, brand new baby
My other phone, it rules, my Doctor is on there machines too, I did that, I like to listen, man o man, me o my, plus my community is with another country, my community rules always,
Linda, hurry up, central time, I'm being good ,
I didn't think Terri was cold at all.
I think she is calm and warm.
A neighbor of Mine talked over my No- I am Not discuss this with you- and continued talking, so I left.
Now we Don ' t Talk.
If she doesn' t listen, she is Not Worth my time...
Change the dance
You truly cant establish boundaries with a narcissist and you definately cant talk to them about how you feel because they dont care. Boundaries with a narcissist are for you to establish to keep your mental health healthy. Like nonis a complete sentence. Not being defensive or justifying yourself.
🤍
Is blaming society really that productive?
Enjoy your role dearie
Your boundaries in will be healthy in Prison.🕺😂
Thank you.