If You Had Controlling Parents, featuring Dr. Dan Neuharth
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 5 ก.ย. 2024
- Dr. C is joined by Dr. Dan Neuharth who speaks into the topic of the fallout from controlling parents. His kind manner makes his wonderful insights quite easy to digest. If you had difficulties at the hands of a parent, there is hope.
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Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who has semi-retired to Waco, TX. For 40+ years he maintained a counseling practice in Dallas, conducting more than 65,000 therapy sessions and many workshops and seminars. He specializes in anger management and narcissistic personality disorder. Since creating his TH-cam channel, his videos have received more than 110 million views.
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Narcissistic parents act like providing food, water and shelter should make you forever grateful they were even around.
Well, they are incapable of empathy, you are like a hair brush to them that needs to be fed
Like they are doing you a favor
I see you’ve met my mother.
My dad actually told me that as a kid. I told him in complete disbelief (showing in my face): "You are the father, that is your job, if you don't do it is a crime"
Oh yes I've lived that shite 😢
I definitely lost myself trying to please my parents
Same here.
Same and still working on it
Please take care of yourselves! My sister loss her life and all for her mother. I will never go around her…after witnessing that, I am forever changed!!❤️❤️
Same, I'm still trying to find out who I am at 37
@@silethaking279 so sorry to hear that ❤❤...yes we all need to keep a distance away from them, or just tolerate them in small doses...thank you 💞
In my late 30's I finally recognized that I was raised by narcissists. I repress a lot of my true feelings and desires and didn't take nearly as many risks as I would have. I now identify my controlling mother's voice in my head stopping me from doing things I didn't even know I wanted.
This is so relatable.
I can relate very much. I'm in my late 30's. Both my parents are covert narcissists.
This is my mother. She will criticize everything and has a highly controlling personality. Best way to deal with these parents when they try to criticize or control is to give them short responses. Just say "okay" and then proceed to ignore them and do whatever you want. Don't explain, argue or justify yourself to them. They are not listening anyways it is a waste of energy.
I agree with U 200% 😮
The Queen: I never complain or explain
Me too and well put.
I'm 51 and I don't know what unconditional love looks like.
Best lines on how to raise kids “Work yourself eventually out of a job.” Teach kids responsibility, teach them how to be adults, not dependent child like adults. 👍👍
Over my childhood years, I kept hearing the words "You're so independent!" and I can promise you, it was never ever meant as a compliment. I spent most of my childhood scratching my head over why it is such a crime to be try to be independent.
Work themselves out of a job. You mean learn the job so well you start your OWN business? Quite brilliant ❤
@kevinn2216 we become independent because we realise they are inconsistent and unreliable and never give a straight answer. We realise it's a waste of time turning to them for advice so we pave our own way, working it out as best we can, looking to our friends and other role models around us. How dense they are that they can't see that, or maybe it's part of their game to torment us. Who knows. It's all in the past for me now. ❤
@@elizabethash4720I relate to this so much. I'm on my own independent journey.
I am working myself out of it, myself.🙂
"Giving yourself what you need, you lose the parent's affection'. I was a straight A student, back when straight A's meant something. I also had to share, not just a bedroom, but a bed with my sister right up until my 20s despite there being an unused bedroom in our house which my mother insisted on having for 'her den'. In my 20s I moved out so I could have some badly needed privacy. Mom told me I was 'selfish'. I was ultimately disinherited. My mother openly said she lived in a world of her own. She considered it vastly superior to the one inhabited by the rest of us.
❤️🩹
❤
I can relate
This is my story as the hymn goes ❤ Good for standing up for yourself. They didn't deserve you.
Sounds like a narcissist to me. Glad you were able to break away.
Thank you SO much. Growing up with a narcissistic parent is very isolating and part of the damage is that you keep isolating yourself for many years after.
I agree that it’s very difficult to break free of the controlling parent. It took me sixty years to finally see the disfunction for what it was. I’m still trying to overcome the fallout. Flying monkeys complicate the situation but I moved over a hundred miles away and limit my contact. I’m so glad I did.
Me too - haven't talked to my mother for over a year now and I feel SO much better already - Great Success to you!!!
Me 2 ❤️🩹 no contact with parents & then after they finally died I moved from New England to the Nature Coast of Florida 🧜🏼 it’s time for me… to be me! 65 is the new 40
@@caroleminke6116 That is Awesome - so glad for you!!!!
At 74 I'm re-parenting myself. My doctoral hours from CIIS in SF, were in Transformative learning and Change. . I'm a life long learner. And my intuition helped me find Dr. C. I feel blessed. 🙏🏽🌹
Yes, I am 60 and doing the same thing - Praying for your Great Success!!!!
😊
This gives me hope ✌
My siblings and I constantly heard what good kids our aunt (Dad’s sister) had, but rarely, if ever, heard about what good kids we were.
Same.
I don’t think i ever heard my parents say either my sister or myself were good. All we heard was what was wrong with us which were things like “ i was causing my mother to have a nervous breakdown “ when all i ever did was try to please her. I honestly didn’t do anything wrong. I didn’t talk back, i didn’t rebel, i even ran to serve her every time she literally rang a little bell that she kept by her bedside. I tried so hard to please her but it was impossible.
My sister wasn’t doing anything bad either. But my mom’s complaints about her was she had pimples and didn’t have a boyfriend or good social skills.
@@stst77 that’s horrible. I’m so sorry that you endured such pain. God bless you!
So grateful to be a member of this community
Me too!!! God bless and help us all!!! ❤ 😊 ❤
For the record- wishing both Dr. Les Carter, Ph.D., his friends and family and as well GUS ( a regular dog 🐶) an amazing 🤩 morning and a nice 😊 afternoon to follow!!!
Thanks Michelle.
In my mother's case, there was a moratorium on curiosity. So even if she did ever ask what I thought about something, it was a trap. There was definitely a right and wrong answer.
Nice ending. Whatever they say do the opposite. I got a good laugh out of that. Easy instructions to recall.
I loved his mention of God and truth.
After a conditional childhood I learned to adopt this quote to my daily life: "If it's to be, it's up to me!" Stay Healthy and keep taking care of you! Thanks Dr C, SIR GUS and TH! I enjoyed Dr. Dan Neuharth's perspective very much!
I love this!
We learn in healthy conversations. Yes Team Healthy!. 🌹
@ 5:10 If you are an ADULT - Give yourself what you need and expect to lose your parents' affection and be OK with that! It's the only way to go and live a better life!
What if a parent is controlling but “for our benefit”? Example; not being allowed to work until we were out of high school because we would have to work the rest of our lives or not being allowed to go to college because we could get a good job without a college education?
Just my personal opinion, but i think some parents genuinely feel something is best for their children and raise their children in that direction even when the children don’t agree but that doesn’t make them a narcissist. That actually is pretty normal i think. For example, it’s normal for children and parents to not always see eye to eye on clothing choices, music, friends, hairstyles, piercings, tattoos, curfews, some parents won’t let their children spend the night at other’s homes or go to summer camp, screen time, and the list goes on and on.
I think the way you can tell if they are a narcissist or not is are they controlling in ALL areas of your life or do they just have some beliefs that you disagree with? A narcissist will control everything.
Are they able to listen to you or are you silenced on all matters. You are only allowed to parrot their opinions and nothing more? Narcissists won’t allow you to have your own voice or opinions.
Are your parents capable of showing love? Narcissists are incapable of love.
Do your parents belittle, punish or humiliate you any time you express something they disagree with? Narcissists abuse and are very mean spirited.
Is it impossible to please your parents? Nothing you do is good enough? You can never please a narcissist.
Are your parents explosive in anger? Narcissists are full of wrath and rage.
Are they very nice in public but monsters in the home? Narcissists tend to have a Dr. Jekyl/Mr. Hyde complex where they are charming, polished and perfect on the outside but pure evil behind closed doors which is what makes their abuse very isolating because they have created a public image that will make it hard for outsiders to believe the victim. They can easily paint the victim as the bad or crazy one.
I had a father who was able to say he was sorry or admit to his failures but at the same time continue to do the same things over and over again. His apologies were not actual apologies in his demeanor.
My ex wife would do the same. When she divorced me she wanted to work out a relationship again 3 months after the divorce. Keep in mind she was with a few men in that short time frame. She apologized for the her behavior and yet later on stated she was justified in the divorce and those men she had been with during the 3 months.
It’s honestly infuriating to realize 4 years later she wasn’t actually sorry and I had wasted 4 more years of my life with someone who was using me for financial stability. The only benefit for me was my children were living in my home. I had to tell her to move out last month.
It hurts to be maltreated again after generously giving someone another chance. Wishing you and yours a better future without her in your life anymore.
Good 4 U !!! Enough is enough & sounds like your comming out of it & ready to move on with your life now
I stayed on for financial reasons as well as pet’s because I was not able to work at the time. I had mobility issues from the physical abuse as well but I got PT last summer & after a year of no contact it’s a lot better than before
@@caroleminke6116 … there’s a difference between staying on because you have no other options with a narcissistic type of person. Vs. Using someone for financial gain because you are unstable as the narcissistic person.
My mother had Muscular Dystrophy (don’t know the type) and when she had to go on disability she stayed with my father for several more years than she should have for financial support. She passed away April 1, 2019 from cancer of all things. My father is the narcissist who cheated on her for 20 years of their marriage. She ended up divorcing him because she reached her broken point. I was 16 at the time.
She was a wonderful woman and an amazing mother. Wish I could talk to her right now for sure. I have no relationship with my father and have been no contact with him for nearly 4 years now.
I think it’s the borderlines that apologizes but then turns around and does the same thing tomorrow which is very psychologically damaging because they build up your trust, vulnerability and forgiveness only to dash it into the ground again and again and again.
On the other hand, the narcissists will never bend to admit wrong. You are always the problem in their eyes never themselves even if you are just a small innocent child, you are the problem.
Both are nasty to deal with but l’ll take a mean narcissist over a borderline any day because they are more consistent in their behavior. At some point you realize they aren’t going to love you or apologize, while the borderline will yo-yo you to death love-abuse, love-abuse. They are like the cat tormenting the mouse before devouring it while the narcissist will just rip you apart like a wolf.
For the record- May Almighty GOD BLess
My parents were not narcissists. They were generally decent people. But they were both shame ridden and this fed some unhealthy expectations of us kids and a hefty dose of emotional neglect growing up. I've forgiven my parents for their flaws now... you have too.. but their immaturity has had lasting negative impact on us three siblings and how we relate our own needs.
Don’t have to forgive 🤦♀️ that’s victim blaming & perhaps you’re on the wrong TH-cam channel 🤷♀️ we heal here at our pace & cycle through grief without any shame
That's their stuff, not mine to carry or forgive. I forgive myself for not seeing and understanding what I needed to do. I'm not responsible for 2 other adults ✌
When I was in school, NOTHING I did was ever good enough for my Dad. EVER. If I got a C on my report card, it was always, "You can do better." When I got to all A's & B's, it was always, "You can do better." "If I had ONE B on my report card, it was always, "You can do better." But when I started regularly getting STRAIGHT A's on my report card, and it was STILL "You can do better.", I began to realize that Dad was FULL OF SHIT. He was just a repeating broken record who wasn't even paying attention to anything that was actually going on, just being negative and contrary on auto-pilot.
When I was back in middle school, I once did a poster for a contest that was one of the ones picked to go on display at a local shopping mall. Dad NEVER EVEN WENT to see it. Way to go to encourage your son.
It took me until I was 32 years old, and had gone to the drastic step of switching churches (from Catholic to Lutheran) before I even began to get along with that miserable bastard better than I had in all the years before that.
Unfortunately, I can never forgive Dad what all he did to me, because what he did is STILL having long-term permanent negative effects on my life. I just have to find a way to be as positive about myself and my life as I can be, and try to pass THAT on to other people.
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The Forgiveness is for you. Your dad may not deserve Forgiveness, but you deserve peace. Jesus is all about forgiving. Wishing you much peace and God bless. ❤
Yes forgiveness is freeing and helps you to move forward from any affects otherwise you hold on to the resentment when you deserve and need to be walking in God the Father's light. It is not easy sometimes but well worth it.
Whew! Touching a nerve in me today… 😢
So true about the concept of being free. We feel the psychological chains are tangible until we change our way of thinking. They literally do. Which is a whole process and a completely new way of thinking to stop. But once I did that my brain can't go back to that way of thinking and I felt more in touch with myself and the real reality not the filtered stay in line false reality.
I grew up with an OCD mom and Narcissist Dad . A lot of things y'all talking about are dead on growing up . Now I am a adult .I get the great provide a lot still . It took me to my 50 ish to figure it out .
I loved my mother, but never understood her. She had actually been a nun before marrying my dad. She would say all I had going for myself was my looks. But I knew that wasn't true. I'm very artistic, and I played varsity sports, rode dirt bikes and won competitions, etc. She seemed to want to chop me down to size. I'm on the fence as to whether or not she was a narcissist. She didn't exhibit that need to control like my dad did, but she definitely had quirks.
Narc mothers are always in competition with their daughters. Your attributes were threatening to her, which is why she had to “cut you down to size”.
She could have just been abusive without being a narcissist. There is a difference.
An abusive parent can just lack good parenting or be a little hard hearted but still love you.
A narcissist simply doesn’t love.
Or an abusive parent can be taking the stresses of life out on their children because they lack good coping skills but if you removed the stresses they would be much kinder parents.
A narcissist is going to be vindictive and mean even in perfect situations with no stress.
An abusive parent can be abusive because of the influence of drugs or alcohol but if you remove the substance they can actually be decent parents.
Narcissists may never touch a drug or alcohol in their lives and will still be abusive.
The abusive parent might be able to self reflect and later recognize and even regret things they did wrong.
The narcissist will never acknowledge ever doing wrong. They will always just blame you for everything including their own problems. You are the problem never them.
Now i understand I will always be the scapegoat for them.
I regret nothing.
The worst of the worst, keeping up appearances, the supposing out of control parent, the neglectful parent, or the one I am not familiar myself with the enabling parent. It’s even funnier to mention it as ‘controlling’ while its outcome is an actual out of control issue in many ways.
Yes. This would be my 82 y/o Malignant smother.
Some parents read "Back in Control", others read "Love & Logic"
Their logic ： ALL YOUR BASE
Are those bad books?
It's smothering to even discuss this Narc parent topic...😢
Oh yeah, my parent will not look at herself and how she enabled my dad… She instead turned it around on me- that I was visiting her and addressing this only to hurt her. 🙃
I love both of my parents, but I cannot accept any self reflection on their parts with situations that transpired which were abusive towards me… 🎉 radical acceptance 🙃
I am working on “letting go.” It is nice to vent. 💗
6:02 was exactly my upbringing. 😥 I used to second guess myself so bad that I double-checked if I had left and right correct. I used to think I had no shadow. My counselor rescued me.
My mother was a classic, textbook narcissist. Her parents were the most wonderful people. I often wonder how it happened.
Same here. Mother malignant narcissist. Her parents loving and kind. I don 't think narcissism is caused by childhood trauma as the current theories state.
Golden child syndrome
@@CS-hj9ig Could be trauma from a source other than the parents.
Her parents may have spoiled her which can create a narcissist too because it creates a child that thinks the universe revolves around them and they have been raised to expect everyone to be at their beck and call and give them everything they want. Parents who love their children by doting all over them can actually create monsters. These parents don’t have healthy boundaries with their children either. Because the parents just don’t tell them no.
@@CS-hj9igabuse, dysfunctional homes or trauma can cause narcissism because the child shut down and harden their hearts but spoiling and excessive doting all over a child can cause it too. One extreme end of the parenting spectrum or the other extreme end of too much doting love or not enough love can cause it.
I'm from Monterey Bay and I live in New Mexico. I had super controlling parents. I feel I married a covert narcissist to please my super ill mother. SMH Welcome and thank you both. 🌹
Thanks, Nancy. What I liked most about Dan was his calm demeanor.
Wow, exact same situation for me!
Thank You, Team Healthy ❤
It takes only one controlling parent to not let the other parent even raise the child.
How do you move on with the loss of everything ? The last conversation I have with my father he made it clear that he did not give a crap about me and that's when he died I was unable to properly grieve. Now. I'm thinking about him . There's also an open voice with my mother being alive and living in 3-minute walking distance she wants nothing to do with me and you can't even look me up I'm not a criminal I'm not a bad person that was the scapegoat and still there's hatred towards me for calling out the truth but it's still very Haunting. I keep dreaming about my Dad . ,Bob
I've had it from my narcissistic parents and from my narcissistic much older sister. Everything on their terms.
Controlling parents rarely act alone when being dominating and demanding of their children. For example when your swim teacher keeps on stepping on your hand on the side of the pool when not doing your lengths fast enough while she believes you are only lazy at the time. Or when getting a paper back from a teacher who had put only, "Copious errors" on it. Should I feel grateful to all of them including my mother who always sided with my teachers no matter what they were using to punish me including once a ruler with a metal side on it to hit me with too? My mother finally drew the line when my brother Ron got false accused in the priinciples office of beating a disabled protestant girl up in the playground. I wonder if she would have been just as determined to stand up for his rights at the time if that girl had been from the same school instead during "The Troubles"? "The Troubles" here in Canada too
Such excellent parenting reminders, I love hearing these positive modeling statements.
One word. MOTHER! Unfortunately I have seen the dynamic of the Stockholm Syndrome take over my dad and 4 sisters. I'm the little black sheep. Thank God for my dad! He was a victim too.
Same dynamic here! My wonderful, loving father died 20 years ago and at that time I never fully appreciated the horrors he must have endured living with mom, for the sake of our family. I wished I had realized so I could have let him know how much more his love meant to me. After he passed, all my mom's hatred was directed to me.
I am looking forward to this, as always. I saw this title and thought it didn't fit my experience until I listened to Christine Cocchiola this morning. Being controlled and your children being controlled can look very different when you don't see it.
I really liked Dr. Neuharth. Hope you get a lot out of it. His persona fits his message so well.
They don't WANT their kids to learn things necessary to adult life, so that they will CONTINUE to be dependent on them, the parents are intentionally building in "traps" so the kids can't run very far
I see you'd met my late covert narcissist of a mother -- and to her dying day she never once forgave me for twigging to her control game very early and refusing to accept any of her nonsense, but instead daring to become competent and independent rather than sucking desperately after the love that I realized she would never have for me.
@semperfi818 your mother? Nah brother I had my own, she was also born in Germany in 1942, blonde/blue..... so not only is she a malignant Narc she is in fact also a real life Nazi.... and she's still alive!!!!!
Absolutely nailed it.
I feel this is what my Daughters Dad did to her
I had a friend who definitely used financial assistance to keep her daughter dependent. It was a multigenerational dynamic, as my friend was the same with her parents.
The worst thing for me is now I'm sick and cant move away from the area where my parents live. We are all old now and they're elderly YET STILL they I give what I need and in fact they've become far far worse. Everything still revolves around my father's moods with my mother enabling him, with her own toxicity
I wonder if shame is projected onto the child. My mother controlled my conduct thru shame basing, whether moral, intellectual, or physical, I was always playing catch up to maintain acceptance.
Same with my mother. I felt a sense of shame throat my life beginning in early childhood. It was my mother‘s way of controlling me. Whether she came right out and told me shame on you or implied it with her other words and actions she let me know that I was making her look bad. I’m 61 years old now and she still does it but she knows now it has no effect on me because I tell her “ sounds like you want me to behave in a manner that deprive me of my individuality so I act just like you?” I say this from a place of love not with any menacing tone. She has always seen me as an extension of herself. My father was similar but not as bad as Mom. He used to tell me I needed to get my shit together or get in line. There is absolute freedom in cutting the ties that find us to our parents. It’s very liberating and freeing. Sending blessings your way.
Absolutely! Yes it is. I only figured it out through doing psycho analysis some yrs ago. My mother had deep seated shame mostly stuff she wasn't aware of, but in her later years she seemed to almost revisit stuff from her childhood and was able to figure a tiny bit of it out. Her shame still burdened me in life and still does sometimes, but I realise I've a choice about allowing it to or not now. Old habits die hard though 😅
Hi Lin, ty for your reply. I too am in my 60s just now understanding. My mom died when I was 15, dad ran off and I lived alone my teen yrs. I was scared but free.
I grew up with a father who was eventually diagnosed with a severe narcissistic personality disorder. To control, he alternated between rage and the silent treatment. So many important life choices were made for me. It wasn't until I left home that I started to see the destruction that he caused. This interview helps so much. Thank you!!
I can't wait to listen to Dr Carter and Dr Dan Neuharth.
This guy was fantastic.
My father was extremely narcissistic.I realized it too late. When he was old he asked me:" Did you do anything at all for me?"- It was absolutely frustrating because I was always a dutiful daughter and always did what he told me to do,sometimes against my will. My mother died when I was eighteen and I felt very much attached to my dad, but now I understand how unjust he often was towards her and me. I must admit that his impact on me was so deep that I probably made mistakes as a parent myself. My daughter has many traits which were in my dad. Is it a family curse?
Thank you
This was a very good video, with lots of helpful information. However, I’d like to have an answer to this question: Am I the only person in the whole world who is stuck living with my narc parents as an adult? (I’m financially dependent on them due to chronic health issues that I have.) I only ever hear the experts say things like, “Now that you’re and adult and aren’t in that environment anymore…” Some of us - at least myself - are still in that environment, and have no way out. I’d really like to know how I’m supposed to cope with all of this. (I'm definitely not free.)
That's a tough question that only the experts can answer I think.
@@Hatbox948 I agree, which is why I keep asking it on videos like this. I always hope that I'll get an answer from one of the experts or content creators, but I never do.
@@janeylynn5934 Keep trying. Dr. C answers questions on many livestreams. I'm not sure how you submit questions though.
I can answer that question which is no. I have read in comment sections of other videos of adults still living with their narc parent(s). My sister also moved back in with my narc mom after my dad passed away. This presents many challenges for my sister that only another person who was raised by a narc can understand.
@@stst77 Well, it's nice to know I'm not the only one, but I'm also sorry that your sister has to live with these challenges. I wonder why content creators never address this issue. It must be very rare, as I've never met anyone personally who has also had to live this way.
Thank you DR's ❤🩹
Excellent program. Glad I caught it. Thanks. :)
Glad you enjoyed it
Thank you both! This was a great talk!
This has been so very helpful! Thank you to you both!
17:11 I was nervous as a squirrel around people almost all of my life. Made improvements in that aspect only in the last few years. I think I had my first burn-out or adrenal fatigue already right after finishing high school.
This is the topic of my life. My stress system was totally out of control right from the start to an absurd degree. Several somatic problems followed.
This was excellent. Thank you.
My narcissistic mother apologizes, but there is always a cavet everytime as Dr. Neuharth stated. I am still working on differentiating myself from her.
My family 💯 and destroyed all siblings relationships and parents relationships...
Both dead now and feel somewhat less chaos... a sad childhood when look back as adult....but the damage was done and will never go away from any of us.....we were NEVER normal..the cards dealt in who parents were...
Saying my peace, I agree that this has to happen for me.
Whatever the outcome is it will be alright.
I can see it worked for my father and his dad.
It's not only for me but some things must be said for my adults children as well.
Omg BOOM!!!! > > Is all I can say!!!! Thank you so much Rd. C, Dr. N and Gus!!!! 🥰
You're quite welcome.
I am 31 year old, i have 5 brothers. All are married, i am single.
I own a home. I lost my dad couple of years ago, but i am the only one who take care of my mom and she lives with me.
She try to control me 24/7. And from morning to evening i do listen to her trying to control me. And i do get frustrated at times. And i have to be very aggressive and loud to say that stop. Stop. And I don't want to shout st her. I don't want to be loud at her.
As this is part of our religion to be very respectful towards them.
Full confession- When this guest was introduced, my geographic biased self made a judgment. Whoa, was I wrong. I ate my words and that was w/o peanut butter and jelly! His examples gave me clarity as they were pages from my own life. I hope he’s invited back for another spot with Dr.C. I learned a lesson and sending him silent apologies ❤
I'm accused of being in control when I am being concerned. I find grey rock extremely difficult in my youngest sons case.
Narcissists can have whatever interpretation they want. What matters is what you believe.
Are you in therapy? My parents control me with their "concern" as well. How much concern for a grown child do you need to express?
My mother wrapped her need to control in “concern for our wellbeing”. It was another gaslighting method. Be very, very careful with your concern.
This is one to listen to over and over! Thank you so much Dr Carter for having Dr Neuharth on your show. I agree with you his voice is wonderfully soothing and calming. You guys make a great team!!! 👍 😊
Glad you enjoyed it!
My mother was very controlling (inside the home) but my father was lenient.
In our neighborhood, before I was 10 yo, it was block parties for the adults and the children were somewhere in the neighborhood.
When I married with a young daughter, I started out strong with reaction formation. I literally could not leave her alone to play in our fenced in backyard.
My daughter and I both received therapy and grew. At that time my husband helped in that and it was good.
When he had his firstborn and with his invasive family things changed.
I think the fact that my daughter and I were still growing and asserting and that defied the dynamic.
Thank you Doctors, I think I am putting some important pieces together and am grateful for the insight. 🌹
It saddens me that my daughter mom cant grasp any of these concepts where as for myself I try implement all healthy parenting practices and in her eyes its looked at as being too lenient or gentle. One day after what seemed to be a foolish disagreement about whether or daughter could wear a head band or not for picture day, our daughter expresses that she wanted to wear a headband, she's 4 by the way. I didnt see it as an unreasonable request, but her mom was sooo hell bent on her not wearing a headband for no specific reason at all other than the fact that she said nooo. I explained to her that i didnt think that i didnt think she was being reasonable and that our child should have a say so and also be able to exercise her options.
Her response was that she didn't get to have options when she was a child and she just had to do what her probably narc parent told her to do smhhh. All of this over a got damn head band smhh prayers up....
@Surviving Narcissism
Dr Carter, I really hope you do another video with Dr Dan Neuharth. I don't see that he has a channel or podcast.
Yesterday's video along with Christine Cocchiola's really helped me get in touch with forgotten pieces of the past.
I even felt that I could bring up the past as we tried to recollect what happened. Thank you. 🌹
My heart 💙 💜 I love you and I am so proud of you. I'm sorry for what I have done. Thats the true parents love.
He’s right about the double messages and losing yourself happens too. In my case I didn’t lose myself because I became a Christian at 9 and developed a strong sense of self BUT i was forbidden to develop myself so i was stymied. On the other hand, i do think my sister lost herself because she had no anchor like i did to hold on to and to affirm who she was so she not only didn’t develop herself but couldn’t find herself either and now in her 50’s has never really found herself because she has always tried to identify herself in others which has caused many problems for her. But I have also have had many problems from not developing myself so some key life skills were simply never formed and has made aspects of life difficult.
This dr was fantastic guest! Bring him again please ❤
24:09 Have to make a mantra out of that. Then I hopefully internalize to not react to controlling persons with utter inner panic and an adrenalin rush as if I just had a near-death experience.
Mine know exactly what triggers me and that's guilt. Anytime they know I'm speaking something right, they'll either dig up some past mistake or some random dramatic dialogue and twist the entire conversation putting me on a guilt trip. I usually end up choking, unable to form logical sentences to respond back and start crying even though I know deep down that making mistakes shouldn't be a talk of "allowed" or "not allowed", that failing shouldn't be a punishment but a lesson, that being a perfectionist and never failing is not healthy. I cry not because I'm feeling sad but because that inner child wakes up in me, wanting nothing but validation and affection. That inner unhealed child always overpowers me. There was a point when I thought I was the crazy one, because I would feel guilty of the fact that atleast I have parents unlike those who don't. But it took me really long to realise that it's rather better to not have parents than have those controlling narcissistic ones who take away the shine from their children's eyes and kills them every single day until their children become a living dead.
Thank you for such a gentle and honest discussion, highlighting that narcissistic parents aren’t just parents who gave you boundaries, it’s more than that. And also for sharing your empathy as to why they may have become the way they are. There is need for more of this grace in conversations about this topic.
Thank you Dr Carter. The word forgiveness doesn't leave my thoughts and i think in this video 27.25 Min into it, your guest says the goal is - say your piece, my truth, put it down on the table. ' That's how i think'. Does it mean : I forgive you?
My parents were not controlling, but, my Dad read all my friends letters and never gave them to me! I only found out decades later. Good old Dad. Only now i know that my loving Mum suffered from anxiety.
I was taught to carve my own path, to be a leader, not a follower. And as so throughout my life, i did just that, and within the law, carved my own path, then was written off , by my parents for being, so called damaged?! High honors highschool, not enough. Was told all of my career choices, were not practical? A veterinarian, a nurse, a professional photographer, an oceanography, not practical?
No matter what i did, was never enough, instead they invaded my personal space, always looking for a reason to find a reason, that didn't exist, to slice me down
Never celebrating my accomplishments, but finding every reason to slay me.
I broke that trend in raising my son.
I supported everything he wanted to do, eveb if he lost interest. I supported his strengths, but did not force him to be anything., and fought his father, tooth nd nail, to let him be what he wanted.
I don't want to blame my parents, but they did play a role with my current problems, and it is my responsibility, to sort it all out, lol as always, and grow.
Unfortunately, i no longer speak to my father, because i guess i called him out? Not in a mean way, just stating how i felt. Hurts really severely, but speaks volumes.
Thank you Dr. Neuharth and Dr. C. I am going to tell my child self that I have their back now. That really does help me. I almost couldn't function after finding out my mum seems to have no morals and that she is narcissistic. I feel like an orphan. However, I can comfort the child in me and find my footing now. This crap with my family nearly killed me. I am still angry with them but I will work on getting past that. I used to wonder how I would cope when my parents passed but now I know I will be able to cope since I can trust my own judgements for my life, and also now that I understand why I was so confused and depressed as a kid.
Dan is one of my favorite interviews!!!
Exactly… helping the children discover who they need to be!as they grow older, Lessoning parental control. 👏🏻 👏🏻 … 🙌🏻
Great conversation, with such a therapeutic voice and stories 💚☺️🌼 . Greetings from Italy . Very grateful for you two dear doctors
Great teaching video, Dr. C! Great guest! So grateful to be in a place where I no longer need to focus on what my parents have never been able to do for themselves, for any number of valid reasons, let alone for any of their children, now mostly middle aged adults! As a mature and experienced parent myself, I have much more compassion for them today and for myself too, and really do believe that most parents are doing the best we can with whatever we are working with. I have absolutely forgiven my parents and know that they are not responsible for the things they have never learned and were not willing or able to learn. I have long since "moved on" and am in a different season of my own life these days, and have gratefully learned to get my own basic and more complex needs met in healthier and more age-appropriate ways, beyond the expectations of other people, whoever those other people might be, past, present, or future. I have also discovered that it's never too late to be good to yourself! And, we are worth it! Go Team Healthy! And, DRC!😊❤🌍
Thank you dear Dr. C and for your awesome gas we appreciate you both so much.
It’ll be awesome to have another video with you both on again.
You must’ve given Gus the day off.
I know….I bet Gus is vacationing with a big long nap..smiles.
From JANESVILLE, WISCONSIN USA
Thanks, CynthiaAnn!
@@SurvivingNarcissism smiles
Dr Dan was amazing. I hope you can convince him to join you again, Dr. C. This was so sooo good. Thank you, both. I got so much out of this session.
Glad you enjoyed it!
Dr. C, I have watched many of your videos on youtube, but I have to say this one with Dr. Dan Neuharth was phenominal!! I want to go back and watch it again to take notes. It was like watching a tennis match.....you both feed off each other so well. And thank you Dr. C for sharing about your father. I had a very controlling mother as a child, who passed away 28 yrs ago. When the negative thoughts start in my mind, I remember "take every thought captive". 😊 Thanks again for the wonderful interaction between you and Dr. Dan. 😊
I thoroughly enjoyed talking with Dan. He is a kind soul.
i'm lucky to have stumbled on therapy and had years of it. The early part consisted of crying mixed with bouts of anger against both parents, but i have to say they did their best with what they knew, and we survived. i think i could write a riveting best seller about their abuse.
There were certain things I just couldn't voice because I know I'd face judgement for it.
And certain pains I expressed that were met with disinterest and apathy.
And on several occasions my problems were minimized because "they had it worse at my age"... as if that helps.
Certain achievements I was proud of that were just met with great concern about when my next failure would be.
I just needed to write these things down for validation because I know I won't get it from them.
I can swear i saw this guy at Target yesterday here in Florida.😮
Thank you Dr Carter and Dr Neuharth♥♥
My narcissist mom hurt me sence 3yrs a narcissist will never ask you your thoughts
My sister always said "it's all in the mind".
I so wish I had grown up with balanced parents😭
Thank you so much for covering this subject of parents. I'm 53 and have only recently discovered both my parents are on the spectrum.
It has been the hardest year of my life finding out and joining the dots.
Thank you Les you have been my rock. I always turn to you when I feel unsettled and unsure. Much love. Karen Norfolk, England xx
I do think what you talked about in relation to not nursing victimhood for too long is pivotal. For some people, victimhood is an identity belief, a position that goes nowhere good either for them or others with whom they have significant contact. It must be among the very worst of possible life plans to cherish status as a big perpetual victim.
We're on the same page.
I enjoyed this video thank u im an adult still under the control of both nacsisitic parents demons is very veey diffocult for me so far pla pray for me
Thanks, for whatever reason, I really related well with Dan. He's the real deal.
Thanks guys terrific talk.
I felt like a dog chained in the yard. I got the essentials, but no love or attention.
❤wonderful discussion ☺️
I'm with the 63 year old adult❤❤❤❤
Brilliant. Thank you!