I’m a recovering codependent whose default mode was always to be super empathetic toward others, as well as very validating, encouraging, and complimentary. I learned the hard way that narcs are drawn to this, as moths to a flame, so I now make sure that I am not too friendly around others that haven’t yet stood the test of time with me. No more fluffing and fawning over others either. It’s hard for me not to act in these ways, but I’m done advertising that I can be a narcissist’s source of supply. 💪
Right?! It’s so interesting to me how we might as well be wearing some sign that says, “I’m super nice so feel free to treat me like crap.” Haha but I’m all seriousness. I’ve finally realized… they’re going to try their antics no matter what. I’m still going to be nice and enthusiastic me. I’m still going to do my best to be pleasing toward people. I’m just not going to be a people pleaser because some people simply want more than i am able to give and they refused to be pleased. That’s on them, not me. Glad to be on this healing journey with ya 💜
I don’t know that “appalled by the narcissist’s entitlement” is the way i would explain my experience. Thanks to DrC’s “Free to Be” course, i realized boundaries are something we “get to” have and something that we should have had all along because they are simply a healthy part of self. The narcissist’s entitlement seems to me more of an attitude of being appalled by our God-given right to set boundaries.
Yes I was appalled by my ex thinking he was so much better than me, as he was an altar boy 5 days a week and his dad was an usher. He told be shortly before he left that of course he lie’s, because if he told the truth he’d be “in trouble “ . I was shocked 😳 he thought that way, as I yelled at him How about not doing the stuff you have to lie about? And he just walked away, telling me everyone lies. Smh 🤦♀️, 💕✌️
@@meemawdragon9964 I remember a sermon where Pastor actually said, “If you trusted God with your future, you wouldn’t lie.” We lie to protect ourselves (in the future) for what we’ve done (or not done) in the past.
Gus is so sweet..it brings me to think of my old boy, Cinnamon. When the narc is around he is agitated...doesnt know where to sit, tries constantly to get his attention. With me,he just relaxes and asks to go out when he needs...bless all the pets in the world. ❤
The ultimate display of their immaturity. Your pose is spot on, DrC haha! Tell a narcissist your boundaries and watch the narc’s attitude say, “Your not the boss of me!” When i started setting boundaries and nicely told the narcissist what my boundaries were, they snarkishly came back at me with, “Pfft! Well, what are MY boundaries?!” That question explained so much to me about the narcissist’s lack of willingness to respect themselves, let alone respect me. I responded, “How am i supposed to know what your boundaries are if you don’t even know what they are?! You get to set your own boundaries!” My statement of truth was met with their look of a deer in headlights. They know exactly what they’re doing and absolutely no clue why they do it.
@AlwaysStampinVideos: THANK YOU! Your post is the answer to my current quandary about the narcissist that is a figure in my life @ this juncture. The motive...the WHY this person is asinine(ly) going about challenging the very FEW boundaries I've been forced to put up.
The Narcissits Entitlement Is CRUEL Vicious. I Was INVOLVED WITH AN OVERT MALIGNANT NARCISSTIS. HE was So INCREDIBLY arrogant. Selfish. I WOULD Be SO INCREDIBLY Drained Just TEXTING With Him. Narcissitic Abuse The Entitlement is Brutal
Thanks for these videos, I couldn’t have come across them at a better time. They are very helpful and very enlightening. You are kind to produce them and I’m sure many are benefiting 🙏🏼👍🏻
Don't play to win with narcissists. Play to stalemate them on every move they make. It takes the least energy and resources to do plus you can reuse old counterplays as much as you need and they cant. In their view, every stalemate is a loss and thus will demand that they put even more effort into beating you next round, and if played out long enough, they will even resort to burning their own lives down around themselves (expending resources they cant afford to lose) in hopes that they can take you out for it.
Still working on my boundaries and my reactions. I still snap and get very angry. Yesterday it occurred to me (again) that I'm dealing with a toddler. It didn't stop me from getting angry, but today is another day and I'll try again to keep my emotions in check.
@@juliaannegrider5734 yes. It just seems purposeful to get you to act like them. I finally realized that my anger was hurting other people greatly. So I stopped being angry. That quickly. I am not someone who wants to hurt anyone.
Adrienne, I’m right there with you. I gray rock, gray rock, gray rock, and then #%*!^%#!! Totally snap! Really need to work on that. Responding sooner, with much less fire.
I've found narcissists expect you to be their fawning sidekick until there's somebody better around . Very jealous and resentful of you when you set boundaries or refuse to play the handmaid role .
It's worse. That is the most you think you see. The narc parents are the worst as they calculate how much jealousy their child feels. The result is people who have felt this are capable of writing Hannibal movies. The parent is deliberately cruel.
I had a confrontation with someone yesterday, I don't know if this person is a narcissist and it really doesn't matter, but they didn't like that I set a rule upon them when visiting my home. When they kept saying they weren't going to follow the rules, I told them to leave. They stomped their foot and yelled. They threatened to call the police (to my house). I just stood there watching them. It was like watching a kid throw a tantrum. In the end, they left angry. Afterwords, I felt bad and I wanted to call them, but my dad said I shouldn't give in because they are mad, or then I'm being manipulative in order to be liked. A lightbulb went off when he said that. Dang. It's either a principle or rule or it isn't. And it is a rule for my home. Case closed.
Here's why I love your approach to dealing with narcissists: 1. It’s grounded in a belief that everyone, including me, has unconditional worth and the right to imperfectly exercise free will. 2. It fosters self-trust, by encouraging me to make healthy core values the basis of my behaviour. 3. It helps me not to get sucked into other people's drama. 4. It’s about being the adult in the room. It aligns me with other adults in the room. 5. It's about responding not reacting. 6. It’s about standing in my own truth from a boundaried place. 7. It’s Britt Frank’s “compassionate intolerance” in action: “The ideal mindset for setting boundaries is compassionate intolerance. Being compassionately intolerant of bad behaviour allows for kindness, for recognition that we’re all human, AND zero tolerance for bs.” 8. It allows me to know that I've been fair in my dealings with others. This makes me harder to manipulate. 9. It’s about reaffirming my worth, in the face of those who treat me as if I'm ‘less than.’ 10. It fosters persistence and spiritual strength. Thank you, Dr. Les!
The person who calls herself my mother has ALWAYS been haughty! She has thankfully gotten the message that my boundary of no contact has stuck and is superglued! What she hasn't gotten the hang of though is trying to unstick my boundary through the manipulation of others who have turned into her flying monkeys. it's superglued stuck rock hard. My boundary of no contact is very much still up. She can be as entitled as she wants to just not around me!
This is good! I have a tendency to attract ppl who complain excessively about their health problems but never ask about me. It's like trauma dumping but with health issues. Family, neighbors, ppl in passing. I'm not sure why this happens. It's very draining and I feel exhausted after them talking at me.
Slander and false accusations about my character among my loved ones made me desperate to defend myself. I was emotional, indignant and tearful, and it only "confirmed" to them that I am the problem. The past was reinterpreted behind my back, over the decades. It was hard to accept that they'd been firmly convinced, and I've had to let go of virtually all my relatives. I'm free and peaceful, but the losses are great. I grieve the brainwashing of even some of my children, and the years of needless conflict and unkindness, which I tried constantly to repair and resolve, and am now blamed for.
Your post could be my post… and from tees of diligently learning from DrC, i believe your post might as well be many people’s on Team Healthy. What i find very confirming is no one says, “When you find peace, beware… it’s very lonely.” Instead, survivors cheer other survivors on because we know the loneliness which accompanies peace minus narcissism equals sanity and strength to create a brand new future free of chaos. DrC helps us to know we are not alone, not really. And he equips us with real ways to handle little cyclones of chaos as they may continue to pop up in our lives so that peace remains.
I have an ex sister-in-law that was constantly bringing up something that was so unthinkable and happened over 30years ago. Even today when I see her in passing she will say”Hi how are you? How is she doing?” Me; She is doing great. The conversation will run off of the rail right back to the 80s, ending with me in tears. I cut her off and she still don’t get it. I stopped calling people that said they love me and my phone stopped ringing. Even my own kids have been brainwashed from my husband. I wished I knew about Narcissists when I was younger, they should teach this in High School along with how to balance a checkbook.
One of the most important things I've learnt here on team healthy, is how to handle the narcissist. I have a good idea of who I am and I'm not gonna let that grumpy person put me down.Thank god I'm not like him. For me it has come to, avoid toxic people and don't copy them.
I have a sibling like this, exhausting as all hell and they expect the world to stop and accommodate them at every turn. They also can't be bothered with assisting or reciprocity at all. It boggles the mind and I keep away as far away as possible.
Once again you have nailed the world I lived in. At the start of the marriage I felt guilty because my ‘wonderful’ new husband included me in everything and said ‘we’ constantly. Over time I realised that meant ‘we’ thought the same, had the same beliefs and liked all the same things. The anger and tantrums, whenever I said or did something he didn’t agree with, was ridiculous. My boundary after 10 years of trying hard to create a healthy relationship…… 1000 miles of distance and no voice contact!!!!
Thank you Dr. Carter. I am at my wit’s end. My son just went through a grueling oral and practical test with the FAA. He is now officially a private pilot. My narc sister was stressed so our narc mom took her out to the mall so she could “feel better”, even contemplating taking her to dinner with wine. Its NO WONDER how some feel ENTITLED. The golden child gets the bells and whistles. The scapegoat and THEIR child get minimized with SCRAPS. The admiration and pride go to the entitled. My son and I get no support. We celebrated alone.
Same here. I had one son defend his dissertation for his PhD in Molecular Cell Biology last week. My other son had our first grandchild last week as well. Did we get "Congratulations" from my narc sibling? No way. Shameful of her, but I am not surprised. She's the entitled one. My mother created a monster. It's to be pitied, honestly.
Same. What I ended up doing though, is I trained myself to not seek, and most importantly, not need attention from my parents. It was difficult, but I came to realise that even though I didn't matter to them, I matter to me, and that is more important. All the best to you and your son. Congrats on him becoming a pilot.
Hi, Gus. Thank you Dr. C for speaking the truth as I recover from the heartbreak over my malignant narcissist son's abuse. I am nearly no contact; he wants nothing to do with me since I would not build him and his narcissist gf a house, continue supporting them and fund their homestead dreams. 32 years of my devotion thrown back in my face for finally saying no.
I am organized so the narcissist co-worker withholds info, procrastinates and uses deceptive tactics to try to mess up my work ethic. I keep a paper trail and lots of patience. I am done hounding for information. I sent an ultimatum to the board: I will ask you once, in writing and then it is all on you. Took me a while to realize the best way is don’t play. Tiresome but a lot more peaceful than begging.
Whew! I recently had to break my own boundaries with my Neighbor From Hell. We’re in the process of completing a wall and fence project, protecting our yard boundary from this neighbor, whom we had discovered was actively taking about 17 feet deep of our property along the entire length of our shared lot line. When we had purchased our property 5 years earlier, we were instructed by our attorney to carefully remove, cap off, and roll up the irrigation lines on our property, placed by the NFH, when the previous owner had spent the last 2 months of her life in hospice, and then we refused to allow his pool house to be built within 3 feet of the lot line, as the setback is 20 feet in my neighborhood. Now, a few years later, out arborist recommended the removal of a tree that, as it grew, would eventually threaten the stability of the wall. In addition, several limbs overhanging the neighbor’s property were displaying signs of distress. I had to break our boundary of ‘no contact’ because the arborist needed access to NFH’s property to remove the limbs, overhanging his driveway and garage roof. Nope, he refused access and tree removal because it would remove the shade he enjoyed. What? He began ranting what an unneighborly person I was and the (unspecified) terrible things I’d done to him. He ranted through a laundry list of odd, outright lies to my arborist - a complete stranger to him. It was MY tree and MY liability should a limb come crashing down on him or his property. The arborist appealed, showing the weakened limbs and explaining that NFHs tree canopy would fill in much fuller once my tree was removed. NFH blurted out, “I’m taking the wood.” This is highly desired mesquite. I told him I would share the wood 50-50 with him as a courtesy. Nope, he was “taking” all the wood, or no access. My arborist pulled me aside, in front of NFH, and asked me if I could let go of the wood, because ultimately, the tree was more of a liability than a pile of wood. Sure, I agreed to provide the neighbor the “gift of the wood to assure access on his property to aid in tree removal.” Response? “You’re not giving it, I’m TAKING it.” We got approval, and a date was set for removal. Oddly, the next week, NFH sent me a text message (he got my private cell phone number from my real estate agent!), explaining that his wife was also included in the message. He apologized for his harsh behavior during our conversation. I’d had over 5 years of ranting venom and harassing phone calls (damn that real estate agent!!) and now an apology? This was the first time he’d gone off on me in front of a witness, so he needed to do some quick damage control and make himself look like the good guy to his wife. I told him I accepted his apology, and that I would keep him informed of the arrival time of the arborist’s crew so that he could open his gate to provide access. I kept it short, simple, business-like communication. Yesterday, the tree was removed. The arborist handled it professionally, instructing his crew to avoid any verbal engagement. He cut the wood, stacked it in the driveway, and got his crew off the property ASAP. NFH wanted the wood split at my expense; however, a wood splitter was not brought on site. NFH is absolutely delighted that he “took” approximately $750 worth of wood from me; however, it wasn’t our intention to burn that wood, as I suffer from asthma and must avoid wood smoke as much as possible. In order to keep the peace and get what I needed (access for tree removal), I stepped back, took on the verbal venom, allowed him to embarrass himself in front of a stranger, and believe he was taking something of value from me. Remember, when dealing with a narcissist, it is extremely important to keep your emotions in check, and understand what you ultimately need (not want) to be the result of the ‘interaction’, as narcissists don’t logically negotiate. In the meantime, our fence contractor’s crew has been witness to the NFH’s ‘behaviors’ for the past 2 weeks. They report he’s been approaching them with bullying-type comments and veiled threats; however, they say they’ve been “killing him with kindness”, which is throwing him into a look of bewilderment. NFH called on the HOA board members to give the project a ‘look-see’. They have no power/jurisdiction over us, as it is an optional HOA, which we’ve chosen not to join. Our project is in compliance with our city’s requirements (setbacks, height restrictions, materials, and design), and it complements the property and our house. My landscaper’s crew is the next one in line. It’s going to be an interesting 6 weeks ahead for us. Thanks for reading my story.
@@robinpresleywoodward Yes, we can, and we have. He has throttled back on the four-letter swear words and related behaviors; however, the most recent verbal assault in the presence of a third party was full-on slander. He must have realized this after the fact, and therefore provided a written text apology witnessed by his wife - albeit a general, non-specific apology. He’s the retired president and CEO of a national company who could be struggling with the absence of minions that had been available to do his bidding. We are not his minions. Regarding the real estate agent who provided my private cell phone number to the neighbor: It turned out that the NFH used this same agent when he bought his property 4 years prior to our purchase. When we were taking the steps to legally remove him from our land, he contacted the agent, explaining that he wanted to reach out and welcome us to the neighborhood, etc. The agent swore he had no idea that it would turn into an act of vengeance, rather than a good-will, welcome call. I told the agent that he should have called me first for my permission to provide my cell phone number, or provide the NFH’s contact number for us to decide if we desired to contact him outside of written notifications.
My husb finally told his mom he wanted low contact- to work on his marriage. he would contact her when he wants to. Her texts were causing us stress. So low and behold, she started texting our daughter, 28 telling her she's on antidepressants and crying all the time and would my daughter please go visit her - she would chip in for travel costs. I'm sad she's using my daughter as her flying monkey. I just reminded daughter she's a grown up and can make her own decisions. ugh does it EVER end?
oh dear God forbid her to go so if she does ( she will definitely regret being there the cost the time and being duped.) Don't send her into a trap. I was still optimistic at that age. Spend the money it costs and fly to Disneyland. Relieve her of this and tell her you ( I got this)❤
So spot on!! Yes my mother-in-law is a covert narcissist and she treated me like a "pion" and "better than", as if she was the smartest person around and the Queen of her family and I was her subject; and it was my DUTY to serve her and her kingdom tribe family as the most important family on earth AND as she saw fit. My family is NOTHING like this. In my family, my parents allowed me to, at times, fall down & make mistakes, and to think for myself (for the most part); so my MIL's need for control came as a great shock to me. And my independence probably came as a great shock to her too lol .... because she's *accustomed* to having everything her way. And what's even more disturbing (to me) is that she's 98 years old and her entitlement has gotten worse over the years and made even more unbearable by her wealth. After her husband died and she became wealthy and could control ALL of the money now, she became even more obnoxious. She likes to send money and then call you up and dictate the terms of 'whatever' she wants or expects from you ...got to where I just wanted to send the money back, but of course my husband didn't want to do that cause he likes money. Also, I'm stunned that she's never taken the time to work on herself, probably because she's too busy running everyone else's lives ... must be exhausting being the smartest person in the room, smartest person in the family, smartest person in the world lol. Even her flying monkeys consider her a "wealth of knowledge" because of her age, she's 98 ...so she gets plenty of narcissistic supply. Since when do people become 'smarter' due to their age? Who knew lol!! That's a false belief system, at best. Anyway, I've gone no contact with her although my husband still talks to his mom, which is fine. And I used to limit my contact with her by not flying out to see her anymore and I would take her phone calls. But even those calls proved to be too toxic because a narcissist can still weaponize a cell phone. So I blocked her number and my husband told her to stop calling me and to only call him, so I finally have some *peace* in my life. Going no contact with her has been great for my mental health. Take care dear reader :)
I remember as a child whenever I attempted to have some sort of boundaries or autonomy my parent who has narcissistic traits would pound on it then blame me for being weak! Sad to attempt to get ego strokes from children!
Excellent. Got a new friend hitting all these things. They have decided they know my spiritual path more than I and the creator. Anyone else come across religiously narcissistic people befriending them?
Another Thanksgiving is almost here in the USA. Videos such as this are a tremendous aid in helping me navigate the troubled waters of family. My body involuntarily cringes, and I'm mentally mapping out Dr. C's relational recipe. It's a goody!
@@nicj5354 I used to be thrilled when my work conflicted with any and all holidays. When I was pregnant (a billion years ago) I experienced significant problems & was confined to strict bed rest. This period fell on Thanksgiving. I kept singing Hallelujah 😃
@ Lisa Dee. They are only putting up a front in the face of others so that they're flying monkeys can believe what the narc wants them to believe about their false self. You get the real deal.
Is it true empathy for the person, and them wanting to DO SOMETHING to help the person with no strings attached? In my experience, it’s fake empathy to talk about another’s misfortune and then not help them, as THEY ARE NOT FAMILY. That way the narcissist can make themselves look good as they don’t have “troubles” as bad as others. And voilà, no obligation to help other people. Mother Teresa talked about showing care and loving at home, with family members FIRST. ❤✌️🥰
Genuine empathy includes all- it doesn’t exclude Example- Jesus died for all of the world - even though God knew all of the world would not accept Him Starting with His own nation who rejected Him God honours me when I honour Him and corrects me when I get out of order -His Man is not mature based on the years he’s been on earth - it comes only thru God the Creator of all and it is done thru the soul of the man- mind- will and emotion
Narcissistic people have NO restraint and give themselves over to their every whim I’ve come to refer them to flip- flops and to- yo yo’s and merry go rounds No sense of direction and it makes me rather dIzZy the epitome of selfishness It’s all about them Not the us And will go to what ever extreme to get their need In my personal experience Which I’m just learning about still Variations like a variety of people
Hello, My mother who is now 91 and my husband of 23 years are most certainly covert Narcissists. My husband is also a covert alcoholic. I am the only child and have to care for my mother ( although I have started to go some days of no contact with the help of other family) My husband is very hard to live with . He can be very good some days others very self absorbed and critical; I never know what to expect. He mirrors my mother in many ways. I do feel some times that I can't go on like this but I am in a no win situation at this time. Your videos help me cope and give me advice on how to deal with them both. Just the sound of your calming voice makes my day better 🤗 Thank you.
I think there are a lot more of us than "civil society" wants to admit. Read an article yesterday (a lot of them also seem to crop up around this time of year) that as many as 1 in 4 people count themselves having toxic family ... and I couldn't help but think "If there are THAT many of us, how do we so often end up gaslit into believing there are so few?" 🤔🤨
These evil people seem to have issues saying their wrongs,they like abusing you ,then when your reactive to the abuse they point your emotions out,We are responsible for how we react,I wish I hadn't reacted so badly, I completely lost it for a while, but I can be honest, but they like keeping deniability.
Thankyou Dr. Carter; I've learned so much about my ex husband the narcissist since watching your videos and it's made me realize how toxic these individuals are. I remember my mother saying many years that my husband was an emotional cripple; I now know what she meant.
It's like every boundary is a piece of me. Every boundary is me holding my own space. Is me having freedom. Is me simply beeing In my Right to Be. Being In my right to Choose what's Good for me. And every violation is trying to take that away.
Dr Carter, why do narcissists always take the moral high ground? They make out that YOU are the bad one, but don't look at their own behaviour. A friend of 30 years has just dropped me after I stood up to her for the first time in 30 years. She believes I mistreated another friend of mine. I said no, I did not, and revealed she didn't know the full story. She dropped me anyway. Maybe she was just looking for an excuse.
Your opening line got me in a good way. I just lost a very important person in my life. I (have/had) a friend who showed great concern for 2 days and the minute I sounded a little better, he started running his own agenda again. What decent person would do that? He does not know how I am armed with 3 three of TH-cam counseling and advice from Dr. C, I can see through him like Swiss Cheese. Sad though because a good friend would do a lot of good right now.
My narcissist sibling recently lobbed insults at me and my husband (who has given them thousands of dollars in years past). When I tried talking to her about the disrespect shown (she's "disappointed" in us), she shut me down. Said we did not need to discuss it, that she had prayed about it and was "at peace" with it. Not a relationship. To her, it's a one-way street. She's so "at peace" with it she followed up with a smear campaign. Sadly, there's no winning here except to move on and away.
This absolutely describes a former friend of mine, my late stepmonster, as well as a former boss and a former supervisor in the military. Perhaps the worst one was my former friend. Coincidentally someone who I once thought of as a best friend. Little did I know, she was employing all of the tactics that you have discussed at length. I was just a resource for her. I had something she wanted and treated me like I was the light of her life. Of course it was only temporary. Once she found someone else that could help her further her narcissistic bid for attention and help her achieve her agenda, she was gone. The abandonment was torture for me because I thought of her as a friend. Mind you, at the time I didn't know that she was this toxic, slanderous, libelous, defaming, backstabbing poor excuse for a human being. Once she moved out of state, I was able to reflect on the various ways she violated my personal boundaries, had zero respect for me as a person, no comprehension of the word no and was just outright as selfish and horrible person. The last straw, for me before I went low contact, was when my father died. The two of us did not have a good relationship and she knew this. She hit below the belt the day he passed away from stage 4 lung cancer and said and I quote: “Well you two never got along anyway.” Of course, she tried to explain it away later on that she just said it in the heat of moment because she was upset because I wouldn't let her talk about whatever was bothering her. It was usually a combination of her money problems, her children, her husband or her unhappiness with the laughable pathetic miserable existence she referred to as life. She tried to make everything better by being respectful to me and giving me time to grieve. Suddenly, she turned around after the fact, and tried to make it seem like I owed her my attention because she had acted like a decent person. There was always a catch with her. When she would start to act like her old self again, I reminded her what she said about my father as well as other ways she had disrespected me. Naturally, she said I was holding grudges, I couldn't let go of the past, I was being mean to her, you know the ad hominem attacks because she had no actual response that was based in fact, just her emotional reactions to being taken to task and called out. I maintained low contact and I think she got nervous because I wasn't reaching out to her like I used to. Little did I know, this was called gray rocking. One day, she caught me in a bad moment and decided it was a great idea to make a libelous comment on my social media in reaction to a status that I had posted but then claimed she was just kidding around. When I pointed out to her that I could sue her for what she did, she was crapping herself. She tried to explain it all away stating that if I posted it then I must want her to comment on it. I told her that the world didn't revolve around her and this is why she was losing all of her friends. She was horrified. I told her that I could probably show her the same courtesy and ask about her affairs on her statuses. She loved sharing sappy, sanctimonious romantic posts about how a man should essentially canonize his wife and treat her like a queen. I essentially suggested that I could make an inappropriate comment about her being a loose woman who wasn't honoring her marriage vows. She begged me not to when I told her that I wouldn't have to because I had her husband's cell phone number. She left me alone after that and when I went no contact, she didn't notice for almost 6 months. I do not miss dealing with her craziness.
Funny an old narc neighbour always complains shes cold when the buildings heat is regulated. after Years of complaining the landlord bought her a plug in ceramic heater for extra. She refuses to use it for fire fears!!? NO WIN
I once ran into a narc on a new job. From day one he set out trying to get me sacked. At one stage he borrowed money from me and showed no intention of repaying it. I had to pursue him to obtain it. At the time l had little idea what a narc was. You'd think somebody in a new job would try to get on well with colleagues. Not them.
Thank You Always for your help. I'm applying as much as I can from your wisdom to a Condo Board member who is a Narcissist! This man is mean, verbally abusive & threatening! I've witnessed a couple of scenes with him throwing a fit at his own children. I was stunned & so upset that I intervened. Other men were present who just put their heads down, like nothing was going on. I'm totally taken aback. 2 little children & 2 little dogs. This guy was throwing things, screaming at the top of his lungs blaming the kids for something he did. It made me sick. After 3o some yrs. of being with a mental case, I really have had it! To think there are enough flying monkeys on his side to vote him in, makes me shiver. Anyway, trying my best to avoid him. Hugs to Gus, the special little boy!💯💖 I wanted to add, there are so many good people here! I read the comments & shake my head. It breaks my heart when I read what they have been through. Blessings to All.
I love how you said, you don't have to follow suit with being angry with them as they are with you. That was a life changing moment for me! Thank you so much 🧡
Is this also when some not all men expect to be served food on a plate before everyone else including children? Absolutely sickens me these types do, yuck 🤢🤮
Long before I heard the word narcissist, my aunt's "compliments" used to rub me the WRONG way! She said them in a way that let me know SHE approved of my decisions (hair, makeup, clothes, etc.), the matriarch approved 😝. I knew back then I didn't need her approval on what I wore, how I looked, etc. I wish I'd realized the rest, narcissism, and started setting boundaries long before I did, I would have saved 30 years of my life. I blocked her as much as I can long ago. (Her and her sisters are all the same).
Sometimes I feel as if you were in my 40 year old mis-marriage. I do admire you ability to make clear points and I'm astounded how true they feel. Today as I meditated I recognize how I miss having had a mate who shared faith. Life's not over. 🌹
Oh yes. As an Emergency Department Nurse Practitioner, I volunteered to work any Holiday Shift I could!!! My “get out of jail card”; I’m scheduled to work☺️
Caught Narc neighbor in a lie... She said that hydro company told her that her problem tree had to come down but didn't give her a date. I didn't want my hydro wires torn down to my house so I called the hydro company to find out when, and they said they wouldn't say that the tree had to come down because they are not arborists. Their tree is dropping huge limbs. The limb that fell in his yard had the circumference of a basketball; the limb that fell in my yard was the size of a full-size van. When I brought the matter to him, he was red-faced with anger shooting blanks at me left and right. I handled it with D, R, C, and I am happy to say it worked. I ended the "conversation" with have a good day. I know enough now to stay away from them. Thank you, Dr. C. If you have to choose between a narcissist and a dog, choose the dog. I asked hydro company who would be responsible if my wire got torn down, they said my insurance, which means me in the form of higher rates.
Yes David they are multiplying across the world. I obviously know there are empaths out there. Unfortunately where I live is nothing but narcs and their fake empathy is so obvious.
Great subject title! I look forward to this one. We know they walk all over boundaries but WHY? It’s total disrespect but what in their bad childhood makes them do this!
I so appreciate these videos after living with a husband whose narcissism (and self pity!) has escalated since he had a stroke 4 years ago … in all honesty, the simple truth of these videos and my desire to understand this illness and protect myself from it makes my head feel like scrambled eggs. Frankly, it’s such a complicated and hot mess it feels completely overwhelming, like the only way out is getting out. Maybe that’s simply the truth I don’t want to accept. Eternal optimist, live the solution girl has finally admitted defeat in this relationship. Now I just need to stay silent (why talk to someone who can’t and doesn’t want to hear my point of view anyway?) and wait for the divorce papers to show up or him to drop dead from his anger-induced high blood pressure (which he blames me for). He’s already had one stroke (which he also blames me for) so it’s just a matter of time before his rage kills him like it’s already killed my love for him and this marriage. Truth hurts but it’s better than living in someone else’s ugly lies … (sad sigh)
Yeah, I struggle with the same thing. Why didn't I stand up for myself? Well, because on those rare occasions when I did, I was punished with the silent treatment--and that hurt. Why didn't I call this person out on her bad behavior? Well, that sometimes led to threats of suicide, or attempts to make me afraid for her safety. Why did i put up with this sham of a relationship? Because I truly lived this woman, who once treated me better-- and I desperately wanted our marriage to work Look, I don't pretend to know you, or the particulars of your situation. But I can say it took me a long time to figure out my own failures. But I'm a better person for it, in spite of the losses. I wish you the best .
Watching these videos and similar channels has helped me stand my ground, that not negotiating my peace is not me being selfish or cruel. It hasn't been fun and I have been punished but ultimately it's not my demise that's closing.
Thank you Dr C. I watched this a second time, as with all your videos usually 😊, as I am meeting my narcissistic mum and brother next week for a coffee (after 11 months of not seeing them). The initial date I suggested my brother said he was busy so mum said for him to find an alternate date. The date he suggested this morning I can’t do, but when I said I was busy my mum replied “Oh Paul, you are so awkward and difficult…..”. My brother was ok about it. But I know when I meet them I will have to be strong with my boundaries and it’s not something I’m used to as my mum gets in such a rage (have you seen evil from an 85yr old?!) and I used to back down. But your video when I keep watching it and others reaffirms that it’s ok to be me and I just have to accept she’s going to be mad and condescending and frankly a wicked horrible bully. But I have to stay strong in myself and see her as a petulant child. Thank you Dr C
I think many of us have a hard time ahead; christmas. It should be a time of joy and kindness, but with a narcissist (my mother) it’s impossible. I can’t take the cruelty any more. So I was alone last Christmas and I will be alone this year too. It really hurts. 😓
Wow, Dr. Carter. All of your videos are awesome, but this one sums up PERFECTLY what it's like to be in a relationship with a narcissist. It also validates how I handled it. I stopped buying into (or even reacting to) his behaviors.
Dr.C. This is a Great Video!!!! Do wished I had had this info yrs ago. Could have saved myself from the Malignant Mother In Law. The most entitled person I have ever met. I finally saw the Light after my husband died. She is now my X and I have no contact with her or the flying monkeys that protect her from any criticism .Became so tired of their excuses for her boundary breaking actions . Worst case senero ....came true....had to engage law enforcement. Stalking.....slandering.....scare tactics...insulting letters( no signature)....taunting and many more actions. These people are truly dangerous........ALL BEWARE!!! BUT STILL MOVING FORWARD IN N.C. THANK DR.C. FOR HELPING ME TO KNOW HOW TO HANDLE THIS ADOLIENCE BEHAVIOR!! HUGGS FOR GUSS!!!🐾🐾🐾
YOU ARE A VERY INTELLIGENT PERSON. THANKS FOR SHARING YOUR AWARENESSES AND UNDERSTANDINGS ABOUT DIFFERENT HUMAN BEHAVIORS AND SPELLING IT ALL OUT. MAY HUMAN LIFE BLESS YOU.
My narcissistic mom uses what I call “The Royal We”. When she uses plural pronouns like “we” or “us”, she clearly only means that to refer to how I reflect on her, and how I am part of some collective she controls. She will say things like “We are handling things fine.” “We are having some trouble coping.” “We are working on fixing some problem behaviors.” “We don’t do things that way.” “We don’t tolerate these choices.” etc. I am not a separate person from her even in language, despite being a grown adult. She saw the state of my bedroom the other day and said “We don’t keep our spaces like this.”, as if suddenly it’s not my space, but “our” space. Same goes for my clothing, hygiene, emotions, everything.
Yes, I see that I did in fact, allow the Other One "to set the pace" . . . I had mistaken my allowance for a form of cooperation, but I heard you say, "inability to negotiate" which I came to realize later on. Your phrasing & descriptions are very helpful💯thanks, Dr C.
Hi Dr. Carter, Gus and Team Healthy. Se o true and so right Dr. Carter. They will absolutely ignore anything you say, feel or any boundaries that you set for yourself. It is as though we are totally invisible except when they summon us or we are doing something they don't want us to do. They have two modes and they are: being the boss or being angry. You always make me think Dr. Carter and I am so thankful for that.
Yep. I’m DONE with my sister and brother- As in DETACHED. My sister is a COMPLETELY different character to me than to him or other people. Brother says “No that’s happening” or “that’s OK” because it’s NOT him. Sister says “that’s OK (anything toxic) because it’s NOT her”. Sister and her husband haven’t answered me when I said hello / good bye the last twelve times that I’ve greeted them. Brother tells me “I don’t know how you have time for that” when I tell him that I’ve kept a journal of the times that they have ignored me having invited me into their house. Sister tittered when repeated “hello” to her 8 year old, then she publicly said “what about Peter” when I then said “hello” to SOMEONE ELSE’S CHILD. I could go on & on. As of today I am now DETACHED from my brother as he jibed at me for not attending functions with sister in the last year (she is jealous & controlling of attention that I give to his children which caused an accident & IGNORES me so I stopped attending). Some grief today but my Psychologist sister-in-law has now GANGED up and gave me passive aggressive silent treatment looking at her phone all the time today while I delivered a birthday present for my brother. She is a Child Educational Psychologist. It has dawned on me that my mother must be a covert Narc and hence the Narcissistic System. Their conduct actually almost DESTROYED me while our father had cancer & after he died. I am STILL ALIVE however. And as Lady C says “What doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger”:). It’s a blessing in disguise that I am now DETACHED from my brother due to his & his Psychologist wife’s behaviour today as they were engaging in subtle devaluing treatment of me but I wanted to keep some family. Not now though. NADA. HAPPY HEALTHY D I S T A N C E D DETACHMENT from NOW ON.
I grew up with Narcissit parents. Boundaries be dammed, the first time my parents met my future wife they blurted out to her, oh we are so happy you are a girl, which she was confused by. I told her you will get used to it, which she never did. It was non stop with the folks ..... right to the grave and beyond. One of my dads buddies even gave me crap at my dads funeral.... a message from my dad to be shared after he died, I guess ...
My narc wife and I went on vacation after she battled the company we were going to vacation with for 6 months about the reservation arrangements. Upon arriving at our destination she proceeded to scrutinize the resort to "make sure I get what we paid for" Day one changed rooms because of broken drawer and chipped bathtub Day two complained about the second rooms tub chipped on the bottom. Day three batteries were dead in the remote another trip to the front desk where she mentioned the drawer again. The manager asked had she taken pictures. I wake up and she is photographing the puckered wallpaper. I go to lunch for some rest. Great lunch happy coming back to the room... I find her with two of the maids crying. Basically in emotional distress because of these indiscrepancies. By the way she has a seizure disorder and had one in the bus on the way to the resort. Not her fault. But why take on more stress? What a wonderful vacation😖
When I first met AG, I did feel that "our" purpose(s) was (were) to help make life better for each other. It took a while to understand how my understanding of that concept differs from his, though I knew within a couple of months that we were no longer benefitting each other. He clung hard and I permitted him to do so, though we did spend the next five years growing further and further apart.
So true! I knew it in 2 or 3 months; he took over 5 years to realize it. I'm so glad he finally figured it out, though as of last night he seems to want to open up that channel again. At some point I might extend a friendly word,, not that it matters much. That would be for my sake, not his, because I'm willing to let him take care of himself now.
An interesting question to ask a narcissist - "In YOUR opinion - which is more important....my wants and needs.....or yours??" Sit back and watch them squirm
That could be said for most of us... our needs are deemed the most important. As for what a narcissist thinks, we know they will say ours are, but that is because the covert/vulnerable ones want to play the martyr card. So, it is probably a waste of time to ask them this question.
Excellent video providing great guidance and direction. Everything you've mentioned is exactly what im experiencing. The only thing is that my narcissist has a tendency to use intimidation become aggressive and violent which makes setting these boundaries a bit tricky. My question is how do i set boundaries with this type of narcissist?
This hit all the buttons. Thank you. This helped me to put things into place and understand their nature and conduct more. I am serverely ill and being in the middle of a narc rage and abuse is so hard and shattering. Thank you for the insight. Have a nice day.
Dad feels "entitled" to ignore my boundaries. I feel "entitled" in ignoring him! Fair's fair!
I’m a recovering codependent whose default mode was always to be super empathetic toward others, as well as very validating, encouraging, and complimentary. I learned the hard way that narcs are drawn to this, as moths to a flame, so I now make sure that I am not too friendly around others that haven’t yet stood the test of time with me. No more fluffing and fawning over others either. It’s hard for me not to act in these ways, but I’m done advertising that I can be a narcissist’s source of supply. 💪
🙌👏🙌
I may have heard this on some meme or something: "If you have a heart of gold, keep it in a safe."
Right?! It’s so interesting to me how we might as well be wearing some sign that says, “I’m super nice so feel free to treat me like crap.” Haha but I’m all seriousness. I’ve finally realized… they’re going to try their antics no matter what. I’m still going to be nice and enthusiastic me. I’m still going to do my best to be pleasing toward people. I’m just not going to be a people pleaser because some people simply want more than i am able to give and they refused to be pleased. That’s on them, not me.
Glad to be on this healing journey with ya 💜
@@sage9836 . . . . Sage advice, indeed (no pun intended). 🙄😂
Do NOT cast your pearls before swine!
If narcissists didn’t have double standards, they’d have no no standards at all.
Too good
They don't have standards to begin with. Their problem, fault!
They are convinced of their entitlement, so they reject your boundaries.
We are appalled at their entitlement, so we have to set firm boundaries.
Well said 👏
I don’t know that “appalled by the narcissist’s entitlement” is the way i would explain my experience. Thanks to DrC’s “Free to Be” course, i realized boundaries are something we “get to” have and something that we should have had all along because they are simply a healthy part of self. The narcissist’s entitlement seems to me more of an attitude of being appalled by our God-given right to set boundaries.
Yes I was appalled by my ex thinking he was so much better than me, as he was an altar boy 5 days a week and his dad was an usher. He told be shortly before he left that of course he lie’s, because if he told the truth he’d be “in trouble “ . I was shocked 😳 he thought that way, as I yelled at him How about not doing the stuff you have to lie about? And he just walked away, telling me everyone lies. Smh 🤦♀️, 💕✌️
@@meemawdragon9964 know it alls know nothing! ❤🙏
@@meemawdragon9964 I remember a sermon where Pastor actually said, “If you trusted God with your future, you wouldn’t lie.” We lie to protect ourselves (in the future) for what we’ve done (or not done) in the past.
May we all achieve the same level of peace as Gus! ❤
Love this comment
@@gloriaforzaglia982 Gus is peaceful. Dr C must be a very peaceful person for Gus.
Gus is so sweet..it brings me to think of my old boy, Cinnamon. When the narc is around he is agitated...doesnt know where to sit, tries constantly to get his attention. With me,he just relaxes and asks to go out when he needs...bless all the pets in the world. ❤
Yes!!
The ultimate display of their immaturity. Your pose is spot on, DrC haha! Tell a narcissist your boundaries and watch the narc’s attitude say, “Your not the boss of me!”
When i started setting boundaries and nicely told the narcissist what my boundaries were, they snarkishly came back at me with, “Pfft! Well, what are MY boundaries?!” That question explained so much to me about the narcissist’s lack of willingness to respect themselves, let alone respect me. I responded, “How am i supposed to know what your boundaries are if you don’t even know what they are?! You get to set your own boundaries!” My statement of truth was met with their look of a deer in headlights. They know exactly what they’re doing and absolutely no clue why they do it.
You get it, Kelly....BTW, you're up early!
So, true! That's what I'm going through now.
@AlwaysStampinVideos: THANK YOU! Your post is the answer to my current quandary about the narcissist that is a figure in my life @ this juncture. The motive...the WHY this person is asinine(ly) going about challenging the very FEW boundaries I've been forced to put up.
Oh, how many times have I heard, “you’re not the boss of me” LOL! Bless you all
Amen to that…I see this in the military a lot …arrogance and fake to the max
The Narcissits Entitlement Is CRUEL Vicious. I Was INVOLVED WITH AN OVERT MALIGNANT NARCISSTIS. HE was So INCREDIBLY arrogant.
Selfish. I WOULD Be SO INCREDIBLY Drained Just TEXTING With Him.
Narcissitic Abuse The Entitlement is Brutal
It sure is. I feel like I have been at war for 40 years. The war ended when I ended the marriage.
Team healthy is a movement, that has no boundaries!
So true, Fred!!
Thanks for these videos, I couldn’t have come across them at a better time. They are very helpful and very enlightening. You are kind to produce them and I’m sure many are benefiting 🙏🏼👍🏻
Put it on a mug !
I love being in this family ❤😊
We need t-shirts!! 🎉😊
Don't play to win with narcissists. Play to stalemate them on every move they make. It takes the least energy and resources to do plus you can reuse old counterplays as much as you need and they cant.
In their view, every stalemate is a loss and thus will demand that they put even more effort into beating you next round, and if played out long enough, they will even resort to burning their own lives down around themselves (expending resources they cant afford to lose) in hopes that they can take you out for it.
Still working on my boundaries and my reactions. I still snap and get very angry. Yesterday it occurred to me (again) that I'm dealing with a toddler. It didn't stop me from getting angry, but today is another day and I'll try again to keep my emotions in check.
Baby steps still count. Learn all about them here, and you can apply what you’ve learned in real life. Find your peace, as Dr. C urges.
Me too. They push you until you naturally snap.
@@juliaannegrider5734 yes. It just seems purposeful to get you to act like them. I finally realized that my anger was hurting other people greatly. So I stopped being angry. That quickly. I am not someone who wants to hurt anyone.
Adrienne, I’m right there with you. I gray rock, gray rock, gray rock, and then #%*!^%#!! Totally snap! Really need to work on that. Responding sooner, with much less fire.
@@juliaannegrider5734 yes they do! Then after you finally snap they calm down.
I've found narcissists expect you to be their fawning sidekick until there's somebody better around . Very jealous and resentful of you when you set boundaries or refuse to play the handmaid role .
It's worse. That is the most you think you see. The narc parents are the worst as they calculate how much jealousy their child feels. The result is people who have felt this are capable of writing Hannibal movies. The parent is deliberately cruel.
DIGNITY RESPECT and CIVILITY......I don't think you can say this too much
Setting boundaries definitely deters the narcs from their vicious abuse and starve them to death.
I had a confrontation with someone yesterday, I don't know if this person is a narcissist and it really doesn't matter, but they didn't like that I set a rule upon them when visiting my home. When they kept saying they weren't going to follow the rules, I told them to leave. They stomped their foot and yelled. They threatened to call the police (to my house). I just stood there watching them. It was like watching a kid throw a tantrum. In the end, they left angry. Afterwords, I felt bad and I wanted to call them, but my dad said I shouldn't give in because they are mad, or then I'm being manipulative in order to be liked. A lightbulb went off when he said that. Dang. It's either a principle or rule or it isn't. And it is a rule for my home. Case closed.
Bravo to you and your gut. Same to your father person for such exquisite and sage advice!
Here's why I love your approach to dealing with narcissists:
1. It’s grounded in a belief that everyone, including me, has unconditional worth and the right to imperfectly exercise free will.
2. It fosters self-trust, by encouraging me to make healthy core values the basis of my behaviour.
3. It helps me not to get sucked into other people's drama.
4. It’s about being the adult in the room. It aligns me with other adults in the room.
5. It's about responding not reacting.
6. It’s about standing in my own truth from a boundaried place.
7. It’s Britt Frank’s “compassionate intolerance” in action: “The ideal mindset for setting boundaries is compassionate intolerance. Being compassionately intolerant of bad behaviour allows for kindness, for recognition that we’re all human, AND zero tolerance for bs.”
8. It allows me to know that I've been fair in my dealings with others. This makes me harder to manipulate.
9. It’s about reaffirming my worth, in the face of those who treat me as if I'm ‘less than.’
10. It fosters persistence and spiritual strength.
Thank you, Dr. Les!
I love this list.
The person who calls herself my mother has ALWAYS been haughty! She has thankfully gotten the message that my boundary of no contact has stuck and is superglued! What she hasn't gotten the hang of though is trying to unstick my boundary through the manipulation of others who have turned into her flying monkeys. it's superglued stuck rock hard. My boundary of no contact is very much still up. She can be as entitled as she wants to just not around me!
This is good! I have a tendency to attract ppl who complain excessively about their health problems but never ask about me. It's like trauma dumping but with health issues. Family, neighbors, ppl in passing. I'm not sure why this happens. It's very draining and I feel exhausted after them talking at me.
Same here! I started asking if I had a sign stamped on my forehead 😂😂
Maybe they feel they need someone to talk to and think you’re a good listener?
@@Dj.D25
YUP, I am. I don't mind.😎
Because we are empaths who care! Narcissists love attention and playing victim to manipulate!!! That’s why!
Slander and false accusations about my character among my loved ones made me desperate to defend myself. I was emotional, indignant and tearful, and it only "confirmed" to them that I am the problem. The past was reinterpreted behind my back, over the decades.
It was hard to accept that they'd been firmly convinced, and I've had to let go of virtually all my relatives.
I'm free and peaceful, but the losses are great. I grieve the brainwashing of even some of my children, and the years of needless conflict and unkindness, which I tried constantly to repair and resolve, and am now blamed for.
Your post could be my post… and from tees of diligently learning from DrC, i believe your post might as well be many people’s on Team Healthy. What i find very confirming is no one says, “When you find peace, beware… it’s very lonely.” Instead, survivors cheer other survivors on because we know the loneliness which accompanies peace minus narcissism equals sanity and strength to create a brand new future free of chaos. DrC helps us to know we are not alone, not really. And he equips us with real ways to handle little cyclones of chaos as they may continue to pop up in our lives so that peace remains.
Wow...that's like what was happening with me. Cut the relations and now it's peace ✌️ for me at least.
@@AlwaysStampinVideos yes, that is so. I'm grateful for Dr C and Team Healthy. Thanks
@@ZebaNaqvi yes, so much better away from bullies, living our new lives
I have an ex sister-in-law that was constantly bringing up something that was so unthinkable and happened over 30years ago. Even today when I see her in passing she will say”Hi how are you? How is she doing?” Me; She is doing great. The conversation will run off of the rail right back to the 80s, ending with me in tears. I cut her off and she still don’t get it. I stopped calling people that said they love me and my phone stopped ringing. Even my own kids have been brainwashed from my husband. I wished I knew about Narcissists when I was younger, they should teach this in High School along with how to balance a checkbook.
One of the most important things I've learnt here on team healthy, is how to handle the narcissist. I have a good idea of who I am and I'm not gonna let that grumpy person put me down.Thank god I'm not like him. For me it has come to, avoid toxic people and don't copy them.
That's why the channel is called Surviving Narcissism. Stay strong, Annie!
@@SurvivingNarcissism Thank you Dr Carter! I sure will try my best. 💜
you from the other side the pond❤. I'm 3rd gen in Idaho and and whoowee they all narcs. crazy. bigots.
I have a sibling like this, exhausting as all hell and they expect the world to stop and accommodate them at every turn. They also can't be bothered with assisting or reciprocity at all. It boggles the mind and I keep away as far away as possible.
❄️Snow yesterday. Gone today. Waiting for Christmas. Healthy Friday EveryOne.
Once again you have nailed the world I lived in. At the start of the marriage I felt guilty because my ‘wonderful’ new husband included me in everything and said ‘we’ constantly. Over time I realised that meant ‘we’ thought the same, had the same beliefs and liked all the same things. The anger and tantrums, whenever I said or did something he didn’t agree with, was ridiculous. My boundary after 10 years of trying hard to create a healthy relationship…… 1000 miles of distance and no voice contact!!!!
Uncanny. Exactly.
Ah man, personal boundaries… and hindsight. What a combination for processing the difficult memories of your past.
Amen
Absolutely. Astute observation, probably personal experience... Like mine.
Gus is all the way on his blankie. Good doggie!
Don't get used to it!
Thank you Dr. Carter. I am at my wit’s end. My son just went through a grueling oral and practical test with the FAA. He is now officially a private pilot. My narc sister was stressed so our narc mom took her out to the mall so she could “feel better”, even contemplating taking her to dinner with wine. Its NO WONDER how some feel ENTITLED. The golden child gets the bells and whistles. The scapegoat and THEIR child get minimized with SCRAPS. The admiration and pride go to the entitled. My son and I get no support. We celebrated alone.
Same here. I had one son defend his dissertation for his PhD in Molecular Cell Biology last week. My other son had our first grandchild last week as well. Did we get "Congratulations" from my narc sibling? No way. Shameful of her, but I am not surprised. She's the entitled one. My mother created a monster. It's to be pitied, honestly.
Same. What I ended up doing though, is I trained myself to not seek, and most importantly, not need attention from my parents. It was difficult, but I came to realise that even though I didn't matter to them, I matter to me, and that is more important. All the best to you and your son. Congrats on him becoming a pilot.
Hi, Gus. Thank you Dr. C for speaking the truth as I recover from the heartbreak over my malignant narcissist son's abuse. I am nearly no contact; he wants nothing to do with me since I would not build him and his narcissist gf a house, continue supporting them and fund their homestead dreams. 32 years of my devotion thrown back in my face for finally saying no.
I am doing this with my mother after 67 years. She is 91. And stupidly I married someone like my mother...saying no to both of them is not pleasant.
Dad, instead. He expects adoration, he's delusional! I'm not taking that bait! This fish cut herself free from his line(lies, too!)!🎣🐟✂=:-)
Some narcissist use the words “we” and “us” to think there is a team. There is no we or us ONLY a one way I and me relationship
I am organized so the narcissist co-worker withholds info, procrastinates and uses deceptive tactics to try to mess up my work ethic. I keep a paper trail and lots of patience. I am done hounding for information. I sent an ultimatum to the board: I will ask you once, in writing and then it is all on you. Took me a while to realize the best way is don’t play. Tiresome but a lot more peaceful than begging.
Whew! I recently had to break my own boundaries with my Neighbor From Hell. We’re in the process of completing a wall and fence project, protecting our yard boundary from this neighbor, whom we had discovered was actively taking about 17 feet deep of our property along the entire length of our shared lot line. When we had purchased our property 5 years earlier, we were instructed by our attorney to carefully remove, cap off, and roll up the irrigation lines on our property, placed by the NFH, when the previous owner had spent the last 2 months of her life in hospice, and then we refused to allow his pool house to be built within 3 feet of the lot line, as the setback is 20 feet in my neighborhood. Now, a few years later, out arborist recommended the removal of a tree that, as it grew, would eventually threaten the stability of the wall. In addition, several limbs overhanging the neighbor’s property were displaying signs of distress. I had to break our boundary of ‘no contact’ because the arborist needed access to NFH’s property to remove the limbs, overhanging his driveway and garage roof. Nope, he refused access and tree removal because it would remove the shade he enjoyed. What?
He began ranting what an unneighborly person I was and the (unspecified) terrible things I’d done to him. He ranted through a laundry list of odd, outright lies to my arborist - a complete stranger to him. It was MY tree and MY liability should a limb come crashing down on him or his property. The arborist appealed, showing the weakened limbs and explaining that NFHs tree canopy would fill in much fuller once my tree was removed. NFH blurted out, “I’m taking the wood.” This is highly desired mesquite. I told him I would share the wood 50-50 with him as a courtesy. Nope, he was “taking” all the wood, or no access. My arborist pulled me aside, in front of NFH, and asked me if I could let go of the wood, because ultimately, the tree was more of a liability than a pile of wood. Sure, I agreed to provide the neighbor the “gift of the wood to assure access on his property to aid in tree removal.” Response? “You’re not giving it, I’m TAKING it.” We got approval, and a date was set for removal.
Oddly, the next week, NFH sent me a text message (he got my private cell phone number from my real estate agent!), explaining that his wife was also included in the message. He apologized for his harsh behavior during our conversation. I’d had over 5 years of ranting venom and harassing phone calls (damn that real estate agent!!) and now an apology? This was the first time he’d gone off on me in front of a witness, so he needed to do some quick damage control and make himself look like the good guy to his wife. I told him I accepted his apology, and that I would keep him informed of the arrival time of the arborist’s crew so that he could open his gate to provide access. I kept it short, simple, business-like communication.
Yesterday, the tree was removed. The arborist handled it professionally, instructing his crew to avoid any verbal engagement. He cut the wood, stacked it in the driveway, and got his crew off the property ASAP. NFH wanted the wood split at my expense; however, a wood splitter was not brought on site. NFH is absolutely delighted that he “took” approximately $750 worth of wood from me; however, it wasn’t our intention to burn that wood, as I suffer from asthma and must avoid wood smoke as much as possible. In order to keep the peace and get what I needed (access for tree removal), I stepped back, took on the verbal venom, allowed him to embarrass himself in front of a stranger, and believe he was taking something of value from me. Remember, when dealing with a narcissist, it is extremely important to keep your emotions in check, and understand what you ultimately need (not want) to be the result of the ‘interaction’, as narcissists don’t logically negotiate.
In the meantime, our fence contractor’s crew has been witness to the NFH’s ‘behaviors’ for the past 2 weeks. They report he’s been approaching them with bullying-type comments and veiled threats; however, they say they’ve been “killing him with kindness”, which is throwing him into a look of bewilderment. NFH called on the HOA board members to give the project a ‘look-see’. They have no power/jurisdiction over us, as it is an optional HOA, which we’ve chosen not to join. Our project is in compliance with our city’s requirements (setbacks, height restrictions, materials, and design), and it complements the property and our house.
My landscaper’s crew is the next one in line. It’s going to be an interesting 6 weeks ahead for us. Thanks for reading my story.
You can use a legal source to communicate. You know this…
@@robinpresleywoodward Yes, we can, and we have. He has throttled back on the four-letter swear words and related behaviors; however, the most recent verbal assault in the presence of a third party was full-on slander. He must have realized this after the fact, and therefore provided a written text apology witnessed by his wife - albeit a general, non-specific apology. He’s the retired president and CEO of a national company who could be struggling with the absence of minions that had been available to do his bidding. We are not his minions.
Regarding the real estate agent who provided my private cell phone number to the neighbor: It turned out that the NFH used this same agent when he bought his property 4 years prior to our purchase. When we were taking the steps to legally remove him from our land, he contacted the agent, explaining that he wanted to reach out and welcome us to the neighborhood, etc. The agent swore he had no idea that it would turn into an act of vengeance, rather than a good-will, welcome call. I told the agent that he should have called me first for my permission to provide my cell phone number, or provide the NFH’s contact number for us to decide if we desired to contact him outside of written notifications.
My husb finally told his mom he wanted low contact- to work on his marriage. he would contact her when he wants to. Her texts were causing us stress. So low and behold, she started texting our daughter, 28 telling her she's on antidepressants and crying all the time and would my daughter please go visit her - she would chip in for travel costs. I'm sad she's using my daughter as her flying monkey. I just reminded daughter she's a grown up and can make her own decisions. ugh does it EVER end?
oh dear God forbid her to go so if she does ( she will definitely regret being there the cost the time and being duped.) Don't send her into a trap. I was still optimistic at that age. Spend the money it costs and fly to Disneyland. Relieve her of this and tell her you ( I got this)❤
So spot on!! Yes my mother-in-law is a covert narcissist and she treated me like a "pion" and "better than", as if she was the smartest person around and the Queen of her family and I was her subject; and it was my DUTY to serve her and her kingdom tribe family as the most important family on earth AND as she saw fit. My family is NOTHING like this. In my family, my parents allowed me to, at times, fall down & make mistakes, and to think for myself (for the most part); so my MIL's need for control came as a great shock to me. And my independence probably came as a great shock to her too lol .... because she's *accustomed* to having everything her way. And what's even more disturbing (to me) is that she's 98 years old and her entitlement has gotten worse over the years and made even more unbearable by her wealth. After her husband died and she became wealthy and could control ALL of the money now, she became even more obnoxious. She likes to send money and then call you up and dictate the terms of 'whatever' she wants or expects from you ...got to where I just wanted to send the money back, but of course my husband didn't want to do that cause he likes money. Also, I'm stunned that she's never taken the time to work on herself, probably because she's too busy running everyone else's lives ... must be exhausting being the smartest person in the room, smartest person in the family, smartest person in the world lol. Even her flying monkeys consider her a "wealth of knowledge" because of her age, she's 98 ...so she gets plenty of narcissistic supply. Since when do people become 'smarter' due to their age? Who knew lol!! That's a false belief system, at best. Anyway, I've gone no contact with her although my husband still talks to his mom, which is fine. And I used to limit my contact with her by not flying out to see her anymore and I would take her phone calls. But even those calls proved to be too toxic because a narcissist can still weaponize a cell phone. So I blocked her number and my husband told her to stop calling me and to only call him, so I finally have some *peace* in my life. Going no contact with her has been great for my mental health. Take care dear reader :)
Thank you Dr. C for helping us to keep learning today. So glad you are here with us!
I remember as a child whenever I attempted to have some sort of boundaries or autonomy my parent who has narcissistic traits would pound on it then blame me for being weak! Sad to attempt to get ego strokes from children!
Excellent. Got a new friend hitting all these things. They have decided they know my spiritual path more than I and the creator. Anyone else come across religiously narcissistic people befriending them?
Yes, they can be the worst because they act like God is on their side. Like if we resist them we are resisting God. I've got a family full of those.
Another Thanksgiving is almost here in the USA. Videos such as this are a tremendous aid in helping me navigate the troubled waters of family. My body involuntarily cringes, and I'm mentally mapping out Dr. C's relational recipe. It's a goody!
When I found out I have to work on Thanksgiving I was truly thankful ❤️
@@nicj5354 I know people who ask to work on Thanksgiving - like a whole crew of coworkers.
@@nicj5354 I used to be thrilled when my work conflicted with any and all holidays. When I was pregnant (a billion years ago) I experienced significant problems & was confined to strict bed rest. This period fell on Thanksgiving. I kept singing Hallelujah 😃
Mine too. How will I avoid my inlaws this year?
Why do my parents have empathy for others, but none for me?
@ Lisa Dee. They are only putting up a front in the face of others so that they're flying monkeys can believe what the narc wants them to believe about their false self. You get the real deal.
Is it true empathy for the person, and them wanting to DO SOMETHING to help the person with no strings attached? In my experience, it’s fake empathy to talk about another’s misfortune and then not help them, as THEY ARE NOT FAMILY. That way the narcissist can make themselves look good as they don’t have “troubles” as bad as others. And voilà, no obligation to help other people. Mother Teresa talked about showing care and loving at home, with family members FIRST. ❤✌️🥰
Genuine empathy includes all- it doesn’t exclude
Example- Jesus died for all of the world - even though God knew all of the world would not accept Him
Starting with His own nation who rejected Him
God honours me when I honour Him and corrects me when I get out of order -His
Man is not mature based on the years he’s been on earth - it comes only thru God the Creator of all and it is done thru the soul of the man- mind- will and emotion
Narcissistic people have NO restraint and give themselves over to their every whim
I’ve come to refer them to flip- flops and to- yo yo’s and merry go rounds
No sense of direction and it makes me rather dIzZy
the epitome of selfishness
It’s all about them
Not the us
And will go to what ever extreme to get their need
In my personal experience
Which I’m just learning about still
Variations like a variety of people
What appears to be empathy is merely a ploy.
Hello, My mother who is now 91 and my husband of 23 years are most certainly covert Narcissists. My husband is also a covert alcoholic. I am the only child and have to care for my mother ( although I have started to go some days of no contact with the help of other family) My husband is very hard to live with . He can be very good some days others very self absorbed and critical; I never know what to expect. He mirrors my mother in many ways. I do feel some times that I can't go on like this but I am in a no win situation at this time. Your videos help me cope and give me advice on how to deal with them both. Just the sound of your calming voice makes my day better 🤗 Thank you.
I think there are a lot more of us than "civil society" wants to admit. Read an article yesterday (a lot of them also seem to crop up around this time of year) that as many as 1 in 4 people count themselves having toxic family ... and I couldn't help but think "If there are THAT many of us, how do we so often end up gaslit into believing there are so few?" 🤔🤨
Only children need a support group. We truly do. Especially caregiver only children.
Maybe your mother and husband should keep each other company and spare you theirs. Win-win for you.
These evil people seem to have issues saying their wrongs,they like abusing you ,then when your reactive to the abuse they point your emotions out,We are responsible for how we react,I wish I hadn't reacted so badly, I completely lost it for a while, but I can be honest, but they like keeping deniability.
Yes, they don't respect boundaries, even when you put them in place.
It's really hard when you are completely financially dependent on a narcissist.
Thankyou Dr. Carter; I've learned so much about my ex husband the narcissist since watching your videos and it's made me realize how toxic these individuals are. I remember my mother saying many years that my husband was an emotional cripple; I now know what she meant.
That's like two different Worlds. Separated.
It's like every boundary is a piece of me. Every boundary is me holding my own space. Is me having freedom. Is me simply beeing In my Right to Be. Being In my right to Choose what's Good for me. And every violation is trying to take that away.
I have a right to my own existence. Thank you.
S
Good vs Evil..God vs Satan
I reject any boundaries they may try to claim! They have none! It’s pitiful.
I think It’s in my system now, after lots of your videos, namely the sentence: ‘I know that you think that way, but I do it anyway.’ 😊 Thanks.
Dr Carter, why do narcissists always take the moral high ground? They make out that YOU are the bad one, but don't look at their own behaviour. A friend of 30 years has just dropped me after I stood up to her for the first time in 30 years. She believes I mistreated another friend of mine. I said no, I did not, and revealed she didn't know the full story. She dropped me anyway. Maybe she was just looking for an excuse.
She is immature as well as insecure!
"we're harmonised now, you conformed to me" never a truer word spoken. You're videos are so insightful Dr. Carter, thank you.
Dad thinks others have to compromise to suit him, but he doesn't compromise; his way or the highway; I am done with that!
Your opening line got me in a good way. I just lost a very important person in my life. I (have/had) a friend who showed great concern for 2 days and the minute I sounded a little better, he started running his own agenda again. What decent person would do that? He does not know how I am armed with 3 three of TH-cam counseling and advice from Dr. C, I can see through him like Swiss Cheese. Sad though because a good friend would do a lot of good right now.
hope youre okay. if you need a sympathetic ear feel free to msg me. take care ❤
My narcissist sibling recently lobbed insults at me and my husband (who has given them thousands of dollars in years past). When I tried talking to her about the disrespect shown (she's "disappointed" in us), she shut me down. Said we did not need to discuss it, that she had prayed about it and was "at peace" with it. Not a relationship. To her, it's a one-way street. She's so "at peace" with it she followed up with a smear campaign. Sadly, there's no winning here except to move on and away.
I am okey with who I am and I like myself :) I love my peace and my life. Thank you dr Carter. God bless you.
This absolutely describes a former friend of mine, my late stepmonster, as well as a former boss and a former supervisor in the military. Perhaps the worst one was my former friend. Coincidentally someone who I once thought of as a best friend. Little did I know, she was employing all of the tactics that you have discussed at length. I was just a resource for her. I had something she wanted and treated me like I was the light of her life. Of course it was only temporary. Once she found someone else that could help her further her narcissistic bid for attention and help her achieve her agenda, she was gone. The abandonment was torture for me because I thought of her as a friend. Mind you, at the time I didn't know that she was this toxic, slanderous, libelous, defaming, backstabbing poor excuse for a human being. Once she moved out of state, I was able to reflect on the various ways she violated my personal boundaries, had zero respect for me as a person, no comprehension of the word no and was just outright as selfish and horrible person. The last straw, for me before I went low contact, was when my father died. The two of us did not have a good relationship and she knew this. She hit below the belt the day he passed away from stage 4 lung cancer and said and I quote: “Well you two never got along anyway.”
Of course, she tried to explain it away later on that she just said it in the heat of moment because she was upset because I wouldn't let her talk about whatever was bothering her. It was usually a combination of her money problems, her children, her husband or her unhappiness with the laughable pathetic miserable existence she referred to as life.
She tried to make everything better by being respectful to me and giving me time to grieve. Suddenly, she turned around after the fact, and tried to make it seem like I owed her my attention because she had acted like a decent person. There was always a catch with her. When she would start to act like her old self again, I reminded her what she said about my father as well as other ways she had disrespected me. Naturally, she said I was holding grudges, I couldn't let go of the past, I was being mean to her, you know the ad hominem attacks because she had no actual response that was based in fact, just her emotional reactions to being taken to task and called out.
I maintained low contact and I think she got nervous because I wasn't reaching out to her like I used to. Little did I know, this was called gray rocking. One day, she caught me in a bad moment and decided it was a great idea to make a libelous comment on my social media in reaction to a status that I had posted but then claimed she was just kidding around. When I pointed out to her that I could sue her for what she did, she was crapping herself. She tried to explain it all away stating that if I posted it then I must want her to comment on it. I told her that the world didn't revolve around her and this is why she was losing all of her friends. She was horrified. I told her that I could probably show her the same courtesy and ask about her affairs on her statuses. She loved sharing sappy, sanctimonious romantic posts about how a man should essentially canonize his wife and treat her like a queen. I essentially suggested that I could make an inappropriate comment about her being a loose woman who wasn't honoring her marriage vows. She begged me not to when I told her that I wouldn't have to because I had her husband's cell phone number. She left me alone after that and when I went no contact, she didn't notice for almost 6 months. I do not miss dealing with her craziness.
Funny an old narc neighbour always complains shes cold when the buildings heat is regulated. after Years of complaining the landlord bought her a plug in ceramic heater for extra. She refuses to use it for fire fears!!? NO WIN
Some people just like to hear themselves complain!
I once ran into a narc on a new job. From day one he set out trying to get me sacked. At one stage he borrowed money from me and showed no intention of repaying it. I had to pursue him to obtain it. At the time l had little idea what a narc was. You'd think somebody in a new job would try to get on well with colleagues. Not them.
Thank You Always for your help. I'm applying as much as I can from your wisdom to a Condo Board member who is a Narcissist! This man is mean, verbally abusive & threatening! I've witnessed a couple of scenes with him throwing a fit at his own children. I was stunned & so upset that I intervened. Other men were present who just put their heads down, like nothing was going on. I'm totally taken aback. 2 little children & 2 little dogs. This guy was throwing things, screaming at the top of his lungs blaming the kids for something he did. It made me sick. After 3o some yrs. of being with a mental case, I really have had it! To think there are enough flying monkeys on his side to vote him in, makes me shiver. Anyway, trying my best to avoid him. Hugs to Gus, the special little boy!💯💖
I wanted to add, there are so many good people here! I read the comments & shake my head. It breaks my heart when I read what they have been through. Blessings to All.
Thank you Dr Carter. I’m learning so much about my narcissistic family members, and how to cope with them. Your videos are really helpful. ❤
I love how you said, you don't have to follow suit with being angry with them as they are with you. That was a life changing moment for me! Thank you so much 🧡
DO NOT fix my problems!!! that leaves me Nothing to bitch about!!! please!!
They have a problem for every solution.
Is this also when some not all men expect to be served food on a plate before everyone else including children? Absolutely sickens me these types do, yuck 🤢🤮
Mine yells & embarasses me in front of people. He also kicked my luggages when we were travelling and broke one. Shocking!
Long before I heard the word narcissist, my aunt's "compliments" used to rub me the WRONG way! She said them in a way that let me know SHE approved of my decisions (hair, makeup, clothes, etc.), the matriarch approved 😝. I knew back then I didn't need her approval on what I wore, how I looked, etc. I wish I'd realized the rest, narcissism, and started setting boundaries long before I did, I would have saved 30 years of my life. I blocked her as much as I can long ago. (Her and her sisters are all the same).
The Narcissist(s): "You are going to be sorry for being distinct from me.! Team Healthy: Okay. Got it! Lol 🙃
Sometimes I feel as if you were in my 40 year old mis-marriage. I do admire you ability to make clear points and I'm astounded how true they feel. Today as I meditated I recognize how I miss having had a mate who shared faith. Life's not over. 🌹
Helen Reddy's "I Am Woman" is my fight song against the railings of the narcissist!
I tell my narcissist, "You don't get it both ways!" And walk away
Oh yes. As an Emergency Department Nurse Practitioner, I volunteered to work any Holiday Shift I could!!! My “get out of jail card”; I’m scheduled to work☺️
Caught Narc neighbor in a lie...
She said that hydro company told her that her problem tree had to come down but didn't give her a date. I didn't want my hydro wires torn down to my house so I called the hydro company to find out when, and they said they wouldn't say that the tree had to come down because they are not arborists. Their tree is dropping huge limbs. The limb that fell in his yard had the circumference of a basketball; the limb that fell in my yard was the size of a full-size van. When I brought the matter to him, he was red-faced with anger shooting blanks at me left and right. I handled it with D, R, C, and I am happy to say it worked. I ended the "conversation" with have a good day. I know enough now to stay away from them. Thank you, Dr. C.
If you have to choose between a narcissist and a dog, choose the dog.
I asked hydro company who would be responsible if my wire got torn down, they said my insurance, which means me in the form of higher rates.
David yes it's so freeing when your finally able to spot them from a mile away and distance yourself for your sanity and emotional well being.
@@joshuaanzalone2060 we're in a pandemic of them. I have 14 houses around my house and there are narcs living in all of them.
Yes David they are multiplying across the world. I obviously know there are empaths out there. Unfortunately where I live is nothing but narcs and their fake empathy is so obvious.
Great subject title! I look forward to this one. We know they walk all over boundaries but WHY? It’s total disrespect but what in their bad childhood makes them do this!
Your teaching is a God-send. Thank you for equipping me to stay healthy while relating and caring for my elderly, demented, Narcissist father.
I so appreciate these videos after living with a husband whose narcissism (and self pity!) has escalated since he had a stroke 4 years ago … in all honesty, the simple truth of these videos and my desire to understand this illness and protect myself from it makes my head feel like scrambled eggs. Frankly, it’s such a complicated and hot mess it feels completely overwhelming, like the only way out is getting out. Maybe that’s simply the truth I don’t want to accept. Eternal optimist, live the solution girl has finally admitted defeat in this relationship. Now I just need to stay silent (why talk to someone who can’t and doesn’t want to hear my point of view anyway?) and wait for the divorce papers to show up or him to drop dead from his anger-induced high blood pressure (which he blames me for). He’s already had one stroke (which he also blames me for) so it’s just a matter of time before his rage kills him like it’s already killed my love for him and this marriage. Truth hurts but it’s better than living in someone else’s ugly lies … (sad sigh)
Exactly how it was. It's like they're working from a manual. Only wish I had stood up for myself more.
Yeah, I struggle with the same thing. Why didn't I stand up for myself? Well, because on those rare occasions when I did, I was punished with the silent treatment--and that hurt. Why didn't I call this person out on her bad behavior? Well, that sometimes led to threats of suicide, or attempts to make me afraid for her safety. Why did i put up with this sham of a relationship? Because I truly lived this woman, who once treated me better-- and I desperately wanted our marriage to work Look, I don't pretend to know you, or the particulars of your situation. But I can say it took me a long time to figure out my own failures. But I'm a better person for it, in spite of the losses. I wish you the best .
When ever I set boundaries, my ex narc would say.. "You're not my mother", stop acting like you're my mother"!
Watching these videos and similar channels has helped me stand my ground, that not negotiating my peace is not me being selfish or cruel. It hasn't been fun and I have been punished but ultimately it's not my demise that's closing.
I absolutely loved your respectful, firm response at 5:35-6:00.
If you are in a relationship with " brother' or " Windy Cousin",... it is Their way or HIGHWAY!
Thank you Dr C. I watched this a second time, as with all your videos usually 😊, as I am meeting my narcissistic mum and brother next week for a coffee (after 11 months of not seeing them).
The initial date I suggested my brother said he was busy so mum said for him to find an alternate date. The date he suggested this morning I can’t do, but when I said I was busy my mum replied “Oh Paul, you are so awkward and difficult…..”. My brother was ok about it. But I know when I meet them I will have to be strong with my boundaries and it’s not something I’m used to as my mum gets in such a rage (have you seen evil from an 85yr old?!) and I used to back down. But your video when I keep watching it and others reaffirms that it’s ok to be me and I just have to accept she’s going to be mad and condescending and frankly a wicked horrible bully. But I have to stay strong in myself and see her as a petulant child. Thank you Dr C
I think many of us have a hard time ahead; christmas. It should be a time of joy and kindness, but with a narcissist (my mother) it’s impossible. I can’t take the cruelty any more. So I was alone last Christmas and I will be alone this year too. It really hurts. 😓
Celebrate with your friends 👍
I get this, I only saw my dad once that season, he couldn't be bothered to call, I didn't call him, either. I felt sad, but better about myself!
Wow, Dr. Carter. All of your videos are awesome, but this one sums up PERFECTLY what it's like to be in a relationship with a narcissist. It also validates how I handled it. I stopped buying into (or even reacting to) his behaviors.
Thanks for this great feedback...and keep learning!
Dr.C.
This is a Great Video!!!!
Do wished I had had this info yrs ago.
Could have saved myself from the Malignant Mother In Law. The most entitled person I have ever met. I finally saw the Light after my husband died. She is now my X and I have no contact with her or the flying monkeys that protect her from any criticism .Became so tired of their excuses for her boundary breaking actions . Worst case senero ....came true....had to engage law enforcement. Stalking.....slandering.....scare tactics...insulting letters( no signature)....taunting and many more actions. These people are truly dangerous........ALL BEWARE!!!
BUT STILL MOVING FORWARD IN N.C.
THANK DR.C. FOR HELPING ME TO KNOW HOW TO HANDLE THIS ADOLIENCE BEHAVIOR!! HUGGS FOR GUSS!!!🐾🐾🐾
You're welcome, Elaine.
YOU ARE A VERY INTELLIGENT PERSON. THANKS FOR SHARING YOUR AWARENESSES AND UNDERSTANDINGS ABOUT DIFFERENT HUMAN BEHAVIORS AND SPELLING IT ALL OUT. MAY HUMAN LIFE BLESS YOU.
My narcissistic mom uses what I call “The Royal We”. When she uses plural pronouns like “we” or “us”, she clearly only means that to refer to how I reflect on her, and how I am part of some collective she controls.
She will say things like “We are handling things fine.” “We are having some trouble coping.” “We are working on fixing some problem behaviors.” “We don’t do things that way.” “We don’t tolerate these choices.” etc.
I am not a separate person from her even in language, despite being a grown adult. She saw the state of my bedroom the other day and said “We don’t keep our spaces like this.”, as if suddenly it’s not my space, but “our” space. Same goes for my clothing, hygiene, emotions, everything.
You definitely got our attention with this! About boundaries, loved this! Thank You!
Our God given right to complain about things not being right being with baby's first cry. Folks have To be free to speak freely in a free society!
Yes, I see that I did in fact, allow the Other One "to set the pace" . . . I had mistaken my allowance for a form of cooperation, but I heard you say, "inability to negotiate" which I came to realize later on. Your phrasing & descriptions are very helpful💯thanks, Dr C.
Boundaries have to be taught to be reinforced
Hi Dr. Carter, Gus and Team Healthy. Se o true and so right Dr. Carter. They will absolutely ignore anything you say, feel or any boundaries that you set for yourself. It is as though we are totally invisible except when they summon us or we are doing something they don't want us to do. They have two modes and they are: being the boss or being angry. You always make me think Dr. Carter and I am so thankful for that.
Yep. I’m DONE with my sister and brother- As in DETACHED. My sister is a COMPLETELY different character to me than to him or other people. Brother says “No that’s happening” or “that’s OK” because it’s NOT him. Sister says “that’s OK (anything toxic) because it’s NOT her”. Sister and her husband haven’t answered me when I said hello / good bye the last twelve times that I’ve greeted them. Brother tells me “I don’t know how you have time for that” when I tell him that I’ve kept a journal of the times that they have ignored me having invited me into their house. Sister tittered when repeated “hello” to her 8 year old, then she publicly said “what about Peter” when I then said “hello” to SOMEONE ELSE’S CHILD. I could go on & on. As of today I am now DETACHED from my brother as he jibed at me for not attending functions with sister in the last year (she is jealous & controlling of attention that I give to his children which caused an accident & IGNORES me so I stopped attending). Some grief today but my Psychologist sister-in-law has now GANGED up and gave me passive aggressive silent treatment looking at her phone all the time today while I delivered a birthday present for my brother. She is a Child Educational Psychologist. It has dawned on me that my mother must be a covert Narc and hence the Narcissistic System. Their conduct actually almost DESTROYED me while our father had cancer & after he died. I am STILL ALIVE however. And as Lady C says “What doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger”:). It’s a blessing in disguise that I am now DETACHED from my brother due to his & his Psychologist wife’s behaviour today as they were engaging in subtle devaluing treatment of me but I wanted to keep some family. Not now though. NADA. HAPPY HEALTHY D I S T A N C E D DETACHMENT from NOW ON.
Entitlement as a defense for their dependency needs.
I grew up with Narcissit parents. Boundaries be dammed, the first time my parents met my future wife they blurted out to her, oh we are so happy you are a girl, which she was confused by. I told her you will get used to it, which she never did. It was non stop with the folks ..... right to the grave and beyond. One of my dads buddies even gave me crap at my dads funeral.... a message from my dad to be shared after he died, I guess ...
Happy weekend, Dr. C and Gus!!
Still ignoring Dad, Dr. Carter, Gus! A victory for me!
Having boundaries means having your own well conceived definition of yourself. Makes sense to me! Stay strong.
@@SurvivingNarcissism Yes, thanks!
Yes I have had to stand my ground !!!
My narc wife and I went on vacation after she battled the company we were going to vacation with for 6 months about the reservation arrangements.
Upon arriving at our destination she proceeded to scrutinize the resort to "make sure I get what we paid for" Day one changed rooms because of broken drawer and chipped bathtub
Day two complained about the second rooms tub chipped on the bottom. Day three batteries were dead in the remote another trip to the front desk where she mentioned the drawer again. The manager asked had she taken pictures.
I wake up and she is photographing the puckered wallpaper.
I go to lunch for some rest. Great lunch happy coming back to the room... I find her with two of the maids crying. Basically in emotional distress because of these indiscrepancies. By the way she has a seizure disorder and had one in the bus on the way to the resort. Not her fault. But why take on more stress?
What a wonderful vacation😖
Sounds like the vacationer from Hell!
When I first met AG, I did feel that "our" purpose(s) was (were) to help make life better for each other. It took a while to understand how my understanding of that concept differs from his, though I knew within a couple of months that we were no longer benefitting each other. He clung hard and I permitted him to do so, though we did spend the next five years growing further and further apart.
Your purpose didn't fit with his. You can still relate when that is the case, but you cannot be soulmates. Best wishes, Wendy.
So true! I knew it in 2 or 3 months; he took over 5 years to realize it. I'm so glad he finally figured it out, though as of last night he seems to want to open up that channel again. At some point I might extend a friendly word,, not that it matters much. That would be for my sake, not his, because I'm willing to let him take care of himself now.
Gus is such a pleasant therapist🙂
An interesting question to ask a narcissist - "In YOUR opinion - which is more important....my wants and needs.....or yours??" Sit back and watch them squirm
That made me grin.
That could be said for most of us... our needs are deemed the most important. As for what a narcissist thinks, we know they will say ours are, but that is because the covert/vulnerable ones want to play the martyr card. So, it is probably a waste of time to ask them this question.
Excellent way to start the week. Thank you Dr. I’m learning so much because of you. 🙏🏾
So pleased, Maxwell. I know you're working on it!
Perfect timing! Answer to prayer 🙏🏼 This boundary issue literally just happened! TY and Father’s blessings ❤🎉😊
🎀Thank you. 👍For the picture. S
Excellent video providing great guidance and direction. Everything you've mentioned is exactly what im experiencing. The only thing is that my narcissist has a tendency to use intimidation become aggressive and violent which makes setting these boundaries a bit tricky. My question is how do i set boundaries with this type of narcissist?
Thank-you, Dr. Carter.
This hit all the buttons. Thank you. This helped me to put things into place and understand their nature and conduct more. I am serverely ill and being in the middle of a narc rage and abuse is so hard and shattering. Thank you for the insight. Have a nice day.