Also, the people who dropped by just long enough to scoop the cat box every few days and take my garbage to the road were my heroes. Thanks, Carole and Heather!
Yes, I've found if you can try to anticipate something that will be difficult for them and offer to do it, that can really help. Picking their kids up from school, running errands, walking the dog, laundry, cutting grass. People can take you up on a specific offer much more easily than a vague "How can I help?"
Shoot I was thinking the same thing. When I've been REALLY sick, simple things like walking the dogs, doing the dishes, doing the laundry, and even grocery shopping (and I don't mean a full list or anything, just something I absolutely need right now! Like dog food.) Become 10x-20x harder to accomplish when you can hardly roll yourself out of bed.
Yes, a friend of mine broke her foot recently and every time I visit her I try to run the vacuum, scoop the cat box, and take the trash with me on my way out.
Frankly I wish someone had told me that in high school, especially after I graduated and slowly lost touch with all my childhood friends. If I had made a point of scheduling a simple phone call once every week or two to keep up with their lives and schedule a hang out when they were back in the hometown, it would have been great. Not every childhood friendship is meant to last but, without the common schedule of school and proximity of home making things easy for you, you DO need to work on it.
@@Mojo_3.14 I lost contact with 99% of my childhood/school friends. The 1% is my best friend and his brother. He went US military. That took him all over the world. I traveled to see him, I don't say this lightly. I took all my savings to see him in Europe and we traveled around. I made minimum wage at the time. Best trip I've ever taken. He came home for holidays (to see family too, but he made me a priority). We talked on the phone when we could. We texted and the response was slow, because of military work and my own schedule. Years later, he is out but ended up on the other side of the country from me. We still talk on the phone and text often. His brother is a year younger, we grab a coffee, catch up and play video games every now and then. My adult friends have spouses and kids. We still make time for phone calls or lunch meet-ups even if it's 1 hour- and yes, babies and toddlers are running around, but that is how I get to spend time with them. Also, the people my friends deem important I deem important. I think if people really care about something they will make the effort and time. That isn't to say you cannot reconnect with someone. You also never know what people are going through so a "Hey, I was thinking about you the other day. We should catch up" message is sometimes welcomed. There are also different types of friends. I have some where we really only have enough time over lunch, coffee, or a short call. I still care about them. Other friends, we go on hikes, camping, walks, travel, etc. There are different phases to life. I'll meet people where they are, if I really care about them. Friends should challenge you, grow and mature with you, but also be available when you need help.
Also if you want to give someone flowers, MAKE SURE THEY ARE SAFE FOR ANY PETS THEY MAY HAVE!!! Don’t add an emergency vet visit to their list of stress and expenses
Or just don't send flowers. Why? No one's dead yet. And also, remember the slogan of MD Anderson Cancer Center in Houston, a pioneering research institution. Their slogan is "Making Cancer History". And also, Hank has the lymphoma that has been longest known to be a distinct thing, and has a long history of effective treatment.
My husband had a very specific list of forbidden foods and flowers (which included lilies, I think because of the pollen) when he was treated for his cancer. Also he wasn't allowed any potted plants because of bacteria in the soil.
Hello Hank, I'm an oncology nurse and I want to save this video to send to all my patients' friends and family members each time they ask us this question on what they can do. Thank you for advocating for yourself and for so many other patients. You are living with this yet still choosing to focus on educating -- you are such a remarkable human and we are grateful for you.
As a person with chronic illness who has been the sick one people took care of and also the one not knowing how to support my aunt through her chemo, I agree with all this advice. Hank, may your Pringles be salty and never crumble when you use them to make a duck bill.
Yes! When I was diagnosed with colon cancer I had one friend just go off on me because I’d agreed with my doctor to have surgery. Got a full lecture (in a very loud and insistent voice) that all I should do was eat healthy, drink lots of water and take lots of vitamins. Tried to explain to her that I had cancer throughout the colon, it wasn’t going to just disappear. She just kept lecturing me. I finally just left her house. She’d been the person I first wanted to share with. Never knew she was so anti-medical before. And, no. we no longer see each other.
As someone who watched a parent suffer (and pass) from cancer, having my neighborhood, neighbors I had never actually met until my teens because of my mom's illness, coming together to help cook while my dad worked and made sure my mom got the care she needed was the biggest blessing my family's ever had. I'm glad you mentioned it first
Sorry for your loss, I was in the same boat last year with my dad. Likewise our neighbors showed up for us in amazing ways, I consider them all family by this point. Glad we both had good people nearby :)
My bandmate had pancreatic cancer. It was painful to watch how totally clueless people could be. You are so right ask what they want. When we played WFMU he walked up four flights of stairs with his gear. It was important to him that he did that. He did his stuff on his own terms. Even the last time I saw him. He walked in. He was such a bad ass.
My mom often gifts cleaning. She was a professional house cleaner for years so she'll go to the family and ask "What do you need cleaned that you don't have the energy for?". Pretty much everyone always has SOMETHING that bugs them but they don't have time for, and living in a clean house makes you feel better. She would usually go by once a week while the person was sick and clean whatever they needed cleaned and I'd go with her to keep the person company.
Man, I’m, quite frankly, desperate for this. I just started a new round of treatments and my apartment is chaos. I can barely wash my hair or shower, so trying to clean my apartment is not something I can prioritize but waking up in it the way it is every day is so hard.
I just posted a comment about that. That happened to me recently and it was the single most helpful thing anybody did for me. I felt so much better afterwards.
I was my mom's caregiver, she passed from stage 4 cancer. I bought her plastic utensils and wood chopsticks, because she always had a metallic taste in her mouth from chemo. When I worked while she was getting her treatments, she would tell me what she was craving - so I showed up with what she was craving. My sister would always come by with Taco Bell bean tostadas (that was her favorite since it was bland). Always check in and get them whatever they want, it brings them so much joy for what they are going through. (Oh, and please check in on caregivers - towards the end, I struggled just to take a shower. The people who would just sit with my mom just so I could have coffee and brush my hair were the absolute best!)
I work at a cafe and there's a specific customer that always asks for plastic utensils even if dining in, and I have never been able to figure out why. It never occurred to me people can have preferences for those things because of stuff like that. Who knows if that's even close to the customer's reasoning, but this does make me think.
My mom had the same exact metallic tastes anytime she ate or drank water. She didn’t eat for three months basically, she was in and out of the hospital the whole time. She lost 50 lbs. but she finally made it through the chemo phase, and starts radiation next week! She’s kicking cancers ass, slowly but surely!!!
When my mother had cancer one thing that was very helpful is a friend took over the job of coordinating the people who were offering to help. She sorted out the schedule of who was bringing meals, who was giving us a lift to appointments, etc. That took a huge mental burden off of me.
As a cancer daughter, and a cancer mom, this is all fantastic advice. My husband and I have said we have never felt more supported, but also so devastatingly alone than helping our now 5 year old through her treatment. Checking in, especially LATER is huge advice. You’ve got this, Hank!
My sister is cancer free (9 years) from Hodgkin’s lymphoma. I texted her every day. I didn’t expect a text back. I didn’t ask how she was. She was terrible. I just updated her about my kids, sent a joke, updated her. Then I brought meals. Many many meals and filled her freezer. She didn’t eat them, but she was able to easily make her kids a meal and she could still be a Mom and take care of them. Great advice. Great video. Thank you 🙏 It was a bad part of her story but now it’s in the past. I hope one day it will be in your past too.
You are amazing. There's no telling how helpful you were in her recovery. Something as simple as this would be such a huge difference maker. You are a good sister.
As a cancer survivor, you're spot on with your advice. One point you didn't cover, but i think is important. If you need pain meds to manage your pain, take your meds. Don't be "strong" or "I can stuff it out". If you're worried about taking any medication, talk to your doctors. Hoping for your speedy recovery. ❤
Oh, I'm terrible about this, but only because I really hate how the meds make me feel. It's always a balance between symptoms and side effects. Anxiety meds are the same for me.
@@vlogbrothersmy uncle last year was the same. He hated how the pain meds made him feel so it was always a fine balancing act. This video reminded me of the beautiful summer my family got with him last year where supports like the ones you described gave comfort to us all - byt most especially my uncle. When things got crazy there were always a few of us to remind everyonethat this is 100% about what he wanted. Feeling like I did right by him has brought me a lot of peace. On a slightly related note, I've been stuck with managing chronic illness as full time job myself, and I haven't known how to answer when my loved ones ask what they can do because this is all so new. You and I are in totally different situations, but you've been a huge help to me none the less (as well as over the last decade for many a thing). Thanks for putting this out there. Loads of love and healing and Pringles your way Hank!
BUT be aware of contraindications to medications and report them to your nurse or oncologist right away. I had a nausea medication that it turned out I really didn't need that caused crazy side effects, like hiccups for 14 hours.. We dropped that right away. Telling someone about these things may help someone else later.
@@vlogbrothers Yeah, if there are optional meds, and you don't want them, don't take them. I had Hodgkins when I was young, which is why I saw these videos, both the pain meds and the anti-nausea meds were optional except for one dose immediately prior to chemo. I struggled to take pills back then, swallowing them was difficult. I took some pain meds when things hurt too much, but I never took extra anti-nausea meds because I don't like things meddling with my brain, that's where I am. Funny story: They told me the anti-nausea before chemo is mandatory as otherwise you will definitely throw up, on my last session I threw up anyway, the nurses have seen this before and have the appropriate disposable containers at hand - "Oh" they said "Yeah, that happens, your body figured out that anti-nausea pills mean the poison is next, so, how about throwing up the anti-nausea pills". Fine, but then they said, "We'll just put the anti-nausea in your IV line". Uhuh. So if this was an option all along, why was I taking pills when I told you guys I struggle to take pills?
The number of people who ghosted my mom when she was fighting cancer- I was shocked. Also, these are great tips for people who are dealing with grief as well.
I lost a lot of my closest friends when I became severely ill. People seem to think bad news is contagious, or they just do not want to hear it, even though we are the ones living with it, not them.. it was so horrible but showed me who really cared and who didn’t
My 9-year-old was diagnosed with cancer at the end of April. The day we got home from the hospital following her surgery was the day you made your announcement. Watching your videos, sometimes with her, sometimes on my own, has been so immensely helpful as we've navigated chemo and radiation and so on. I know you're tired and you feel like shit, she sure does, but these videos are doing real actual good for those of us going down this road too. I doubt that's the purpose of these, but damn if it isn't helping. Thanks and good luck through it all.
I only know Hank from the Vlogbrothers and Crash Course, but I wouldn't dismiss too readily the idea that Hank's purpose in making a video isn't to help others. Helping others seems to be a thread running through his entire tapestry. Best of everything to you and your daughter.
I think Hank is doing it to keep a level of normalcy coz theres just no way hes not freaking out and like any sickness "not making light of cancer btw, bare with me" you got to keep mental health in check like cancer is like scary sht but stress can make everything worst. You cant function well and your body doesnt function and you have to help yourself recover and being in good spirits helps alot and fact that your on treatment and stressed out its gonna be rough so at the very least theres this thing you do that reminds you of yourself before you even received the bad news. Keeping busy, being idle is when the bad thoughts visits. I wish you well and your daughter, high spirits "even an attempt is welcone.".
For about a year after I was considered cured of my cancer, every time I wasn't feeling good, my mind instantly went to "oh no, it's back". I know it wasn't a rational thought, and I have no idea how to stop it, but it is something to look out for.
I had the same feeling after my illness was considered cured, and it also wasn’t until after I was safe and healthy that I was able to start processing just how bad things had been while I was sick. Something I’d add to the list of helpful things people can do is after your loved one has recovered physically, be there for them if they need to talk about it because the mental and emotional impact may still be lingering
Maybe it's not the most rational thing, but it doesn't sound irrational either. You think it because you know it's possible. Maybe not the most likely thing, but still a possible thing
It is rational, but after my diagnosis and treatment it took me quite a while to remember what my grandmother used to say in her Southern drawl, "Boy, don't go borrowin' a good worry". She meant that, until you have evidence, you hope for the best and let go of the rest.
I am between surgery and treatment right now and I am already worried about it coming back! It's totally normal apparently. And not quite irrational since it is possible.
It’s not the same as sickness, but I am Ukrainian with many family and friends back home while I live abroad. The first week/month the wat started, everyone was very sympathetic and offered help. But as time goes on people forget to check in. It doesn’t really get easier for me to live with, but it’s easy for those who don’t live it to grow further apart from me. So when you are supporting someone through difficult time that is going to last for a while, just remember that it means a ton to have that consistency and longevity of support.
I got a diagnosis of multiple sclerosis a few years ago. One of the most touching things for me was when a friend told me that they had read up on my disease. It felt like they really wanted to know what was happening with me, not just expressing sympathy. It meant a lot to me. Thanks Meghan ❤
I found out a couple weeks ago that when I was diagnosed with Chiari Malformation in 2020 and had to have brain surgery, my partner (who was just a friend then) spent a lot of time researching it. And also, with them being a physical therapy assistant, they spent extra time learning what can be good for and really harmful for people with chiari both pre- and post-decompression surgery so they would have that knowledge if they ever came across a patient with it. They've continued to read up on it and learn about it and have really taken the time to learn my limits and needs and how my body works now that I'm disabled. It's been almost 3 years and I never knew they put in so much effort to understand me and I definitely cried a lot when I found out.
@@evalynn1863 I've recently developed a headache that is only present as I'm coughing. Like a sharp punch. Chiari malformation came up when I was researching potential causes and seemed pretty scary. I'm glad you had someone that could help you through it.
This advice is useful for supporting people in so many different situations: people who are grieving, people who have just given birth, people who are acutely sick or injured, people who are chronically sick or injured, etc. Thanks for all you do, Hank Green!
I came to the comments to say this exact thing but you already did! +1 to this comment - this advice would have all been perfectly applicable to me when I was grieving, and I'm now planning to think about it for my friend who is pregnant!
Right? My boyfriend lost his leg when a guy went over the double yellow line and hit my boyfriend on his motorcycle .. ALL THE SAME STUFF APPLIES!!!! People only care the first month...
I accompanied a friend through all his journey with cancer, i even bathed him when he ran out of strength. Sadly he passed away, but he never complained and the last thing he said before going was "everything is going to be fine". Every time we went to chemo or to the medical check-ups, he made people laugh with his jokes. I learned a lot with the time we spent together, such a strong man. Nice video, man, lots of valuable advice.
Diagnosed at 43. Two kids, aged 4 and 7 at the time. Surgery. Radiation. Going on 5 years in the clear - but the feeling of that cloud hanging over you never quite goes away. Blood work twice a year is always anxiety triggering. I wish you the best - cancer gave me more than it took from me. My perspective on life and family are changed in ways that nothing else could have inspired. Keep fighting.
I'm a year and a half from my last chemo--and this is straight on point! I wanted, and still want, to spend time with friends. Time, in the face of cancer, is suddenly the most valuable thing we have to offer. If we choose to spend time with you, it's a declaration of love. And yes, delivered meals are the most valuable practical thing, but not just for the first week. Delivered meals for a month or more would be fantastic, especially if the person lives alone, or must care for children. Oh, and housekeeping services. Someone to mop, or wash dishes, or fold clothes. And I agree that someone asking what they can do really doesn't want to do anything. They want to feel kind, but not really be bothered. I'm sorry, but I'm not sorry.
Heck Yes to the cleaning suggestion!!! It made a huge difference when visitors offered to wash up the reusable dishes that accumulated when people dropped off meals. And one friend even swept the cobwebs that started amassing on my ceiling. I was so grateful for help with concrete tasks that just weren't physically possible for me.
Feels so good to see you talking about this. When my mother had cancer when I was a kid, she got so sick of people asking "Is there anything I can do?" that she wrote tasks down on little cards and got them to pick one. Things like going out with a shopping list to pick up our Christmas presents, or fold some laundry, or vacuum, or take us kids to the cinema. Offering to do something like that would be a good place to start, depending on how well you know the person.
It's a very different illness, but I will never forget when I had a major mental health breakdown and my friends made such an effort to just be with me. One of them saw how anxious I was living alone and just took me home with her for a month while my meds adjusted. Others went with me to appointments or got me into creative projects. I went from afraid of my own shadow to making props for burlesque gigs. Company and creativity got me through it.
I had a friend take me home with her and keep me with her until I was able to move home after I was assaulted in my apartment. I don't know if I'd be here if she hadn't. Companionship does much for the human condition.
This is so encouraging. I had very few people that were there for me throughout my mental health issues throughout 2020-2022. My wife and one other really supportive friend. It was one of the toughest experiences of my life and I'm so thankful that I had those that were there for me... and I was bitter for a good long while that others that I thought would be there for me were not. This video was phenomenal - this comment is encouraging. I've said often lately that my number one political statement is "People are important" and videos and communities like this go such a long way in helping people and loving people.
@@hermitwatcher8997I'm sorry to hear that, but you may be overreacting a little. All OP said was that the same rules apply. Nobody said that a C-section is just as bad as/ worse than cancer. Both people still need help in those situations. That is all.
My two-year-old is going through cancer treatment right now, and all of this pretty much still applies to families of cancer kids! The one thing I would add is to be mindful of how comfortable cancer patients may be with exposure to germs, etc. since a lot of the time they will be immunocompromised from the chemo. It’s always nice to ask if they’d prefer to hang out outside or if you can wear a mask around them inside.
Hi I’m Tyler I’m 14 and I heard you recently got diagnosed with lymphoma I just beat lymphoma about a week and a bit ago idk if you started chemotherapy yet or if you even need chemo but I just want to tell you man chemo is hard probably the worst thing to go through but I believe in you man and I know you can beat it ❤
So glad to hear you've gotten through treatment ok so far, Tyler! I hope recovery treats you gently and you get to do more and more of the stuff you want to do.
7:14 "One of the scariest things about being sick is thinking that you might not be doing the right thing for your health, is so scary..." made me cry, because is so true. I still feel like this even after being told that I'm okay by my oncologist, but people don't get when you worry about not taking the pills at the right time or "small things" like that
To all the people who dropped off soups and casseroles, took care of grocery shopping and errands, and took me and my siblings to appointments during my mom’s recovery thank you. Bill and Amparo you’re the best!
Hank, you said you don't want to become 'that youtuber that has cancer' - you will never be reduced to that, but sharing your experience will help so many people through their own experiences with cancer. Luckily, I don't have a personal cancer story, but I do have ulcerative colitis and another chronic disease, and just knowing you also have it somehow makes me feel less alone. I am sure your videos are making lots and lots of cancer patients and their loved ones feel a lot less alone too.
In time I'm sure he'll be known as the wonderful, enlightened, generous, and helpful TH-camr that *had* and overcame cancer as well at one point in time. Hank is the knowledge tank! His ammunition is the spread of less world suck, wholesomeness, and education to the masses!
If there were a TH-cam Hall of Fame, Hank would be the first one inducted. Cancer, and honestly probably even vlogbrothers, wouldn't even be mentioned on the plaque. His corpus is just too vast and too great. Once he beats cancer he could just retire and be with his family and he'd still be an absolute legend.
Isn't it a beautiful thing that human connection is still one of the best gifts we can offer to each other? Hope that everything is going well with treatment!
The complex connections between humans are thought to be one of the defining characteristics of humans, the thing that makes humans more 'human' than other primates.
I was diagnosed with the terminal illness ALS in October and so much of what you say I've found has been similar. I had so many visitors and calls and messages when I first was diagnosed and that's now dropped off to almost no one checking in on me anymore to the point where I've never felt so lonely in my life.
I wish you steady support and care. My mom had ALS when I was a teenager. We had lots of family nearby and everyone helped. I hope you have family (the kind you are born with, AND the kind you choose) to be there for you. I think some people are frightened of ALS, or frightened of what they see it doing to you.
My best friend passed away at the age of 18, 27 years ago, and the biggest regret I have is not spending more time with her :( Thank you for this advice, Hank. I wish I could go back to my 18 year old self and tell her this... I hope you are feeling ok today!
I'm so sorry for your loss! My best friend passed away 2 years ago and this might be weird but I'm strangely comforted that you still feel regret and just feel for them. 2 years doesn't feel real at all. I was scared of forgetting.
Sorry if this is an insensitive question but my mums best friend has cancer atm and I think what they are thinking is that she might not survive it. Is there anything I could do for my mum that you would've wanted someone to do for you in that situation??
I'm sorry you lost your friend, and I hope you've forgiven your young self. At 18, you were just beginning to figure out how to navigate life and maybe didn't yet have a lot of emotional intuition about what to do in certain situations. I bet your friend would admire the person you've become. 💜
@@marthawilkinson3238 This may seem counterintuitive but my mother was in this situation not long ago, and one thing I can say is that sometimes you may have to insist on being with her even if she says she's fine or that she wants to be alone. It is so much easier to regret annoying your mom a little than it would be to regret not being with her enough.
This is so insanely helpful for disability and illness across the board. It's honestly so hard to say this kind of stuff to loved ones because we all know they're just trying to help in a way they know how- but a lot of people need to hear this. As a person who has a mobility disability, it gets extremely lonely and it's tough to get "help" that just serves to make me more exhausted when it comes.
“What people need more than anything else, regardless of their health, is people.” That literally made me start crying 😭 It’s so true. Humans are so dumb, but we’re also so cute because how beautiful is it that we literally have positive physical reactions to being with those we love 🥹❤
Hank I clicked on this because I'm a cancer survivor and I appreciate you advocating so loudly for all patients. Seriously thank you, your work is touching. If I might one of the gifts I absolutely adored was a heated blanket, it made the afternoons after my weakling treatments soo much better.
When my Dad was going through chemo I brought him his grandkids every day, no matter what else I needed to do that was my number one commitment. Later he said seeing us every day made him realize how much he had to stick around for.
Thankyou Hank. As an autistic person I found this very useful as general advice for helping people in general. I don't know anyone with cancer but I feel this will help me understand ways that I can be better about helping others. I hope all is well with your treatment and progress
My workplace sent me flowers after I had a major surgery to have a tumor removed. The morning after my surgery I was awoken with a jolt, long before my post-surgery biological clock felt like it was time to wake up, by a phone call from the flower delivery service. They had tried to deliver them, but I was not home, so they left them on my doorstep. I asked them to please take them back because I would not be home for several days. The next several mornings, I was awoken by similar phone calls, and I feel like the interruption to my rest (and the additional stress) impacted my recovery. And once I finally went home and received the very nice arrangement of succulents, I felt obligated to care for them, also adding to my stress at a time where I was having a hard time caring for myself. Weirdly enough, several of the plants are still alive and I now see them as a positive symbol that I can survive cancer and that I can survive poorly thought out kind gestures. Edit: Yes! Having people to talk to matters SO much! I greatly appreciated phone calls from family members, video chats with my siblings and their kids, and even the colleague from work who talked with me for a little while as they awkwardly dropped off some work for me to do.
6:10 "friendship don't happen if they don't get invested in" -- hard agree!!! I think when people hear that a relationship is a "project," people think that one person wants to "fix" the other, but truthfully it IS a little bit of a group project...it's something that you need to build and create together!!!
Hank, You are such a good human. While you are dealing with your own health crisis you are still trying to educate people about how to deal with sick friends. You dropped a ton of outstanding advice here. I wish you a full and rapid recovery. Sending you lots of love and warm fuzzies.
My fiance just told me that everyone she knows who's gone through cancer says that avocados are highly underrated. This was a great video, and I love how you're documenting part of this for those who have no clue what to do for loved ones.
Avocados are great because they're pretty healthy and have decently high calories, so when you're not feeling well, you can get a good amount of calories quickly and healthily!
Just so you know, there's a stranger half way around the earth rooting for you. Whenever i go through a rough time (which is more often than it should be) your brother and you make me smile. So I'm sending you all the good vibes. Keep it up buddy
I’m chronically ill and spend most of my time moderately to severely sick and bedbound. I really relate to much of what you say and I appreciate that u are taking up space to talk about these topics. I have never resonated with anyone on TH-cam this way before. Only in my online communities w the same illness. So thank you Prob the only singular BONUS of cancer, is people kicking into wanting to help or sympathize mode immediately. With a more obscure illness that people don’t know about, they never want to believe the severity of my illness, bc they simply haven’t heard of it, now it’s my job to educate them on it on top of having to ask for extra support. Which is super awkward when you’re sick in a way that no one seems to understand. I so appreciated u mentioning not to advise any sort of treatment if you do not have direct experience w the illness. I have broke down sobbing at the repeated recommendations that I should try to get more sun and change my diet. It is so, so, so demeaning to the lived experience of being severely sick. If a diet was a cure, my doctor would have put my on a diet. If VIT D was a cure, I’d have it injected up my ass right now. I am doing THE BEST I can to heal every day. It feels so undermining to my entire experience to suggest that food is the reason I have a complex, multi systemic and incurable illness
Weird, invisible, oddly-named chronic illnesses take many forms, but all of them are a pain in the ass to explain to outsiders. It's like trying to explain the plot of a bad, convoluted anime to someone.
I am chronically ill too. I think it might be because of the 'acute' nature or the fact that many forms of cancer have a treatment plan and set outcomes. Doctors know what to do, the signs are more well known, and can tell patients what to expect and what they can and can't do. Maybe people in general do too.. Chronic illnesses and cancers both have no cure and burden the people dealing with them, but with the latter there is less stigma and more general shared experience, I guess? Like sure, it's really very likely that the number of people a person knows with cancer or a chronic illness aren't all that different, but people know when someone has cancer. They don't blame them for it, or attribute the illness to something it isn't, they know that it's horrible and to come together to help whoever is suffering. It's acceptable and understood that someone with cancer won't be able to do the things they could before, will be unable to be as productive, and will need a level of support a healthy person wouldn't. That doesn't seem nearly as common as it should be with chronic illness. This video has a lot of stuff that can help people with any illness, acute or chronic, for sure.
I’m in a very similar situation to you. I just found a video on this channel by Hank from 7yrs ago titled ‘Your Illness is Not Your Fault’ where he discusses living with a chronic illness. He touches on some of the points you’ve made. I so wish I could send that video out to all my family and friends too. Maybe you’ll find it good to listen to, knowing others outside of our online communities get some of what you’re dealing with and that you’re not alone. On that note, I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this, both the physical and social consequences, it takes huge amounts of strength of character and who has the energy for that when chronically ill! Another cruel paradox. From one internet stranger to another, I get it, I hear you, and I’m wishing you all the best. I found your comment very helpful, thank you. Edit: also John’s video about 5 months ago titled ‘Empathy and it’s Limits’ touches on some other relevant issues
"Schedule to get them flowers two months after the announcement" is really really solid advice, same with making meals for them too. After the initial "omg that's terrible news!" wave of help has passed, they still need help!
As someone with a very misunderstood chronic illness, I never think it can be overstated that people should keep their advice to themselves. Not a bad psa in there :)
This is even true from other ill people. Sometimes we want and need different things for ourselves, and there can be something so frustrating about someone insisting "this worked for me so you have to do it to" when it goes against your wishes.
@@jijitters ugh, yes, it's so annoying. Especially when they don't have the same illness as you, like great, I'm glad it helped you with [X], but I don't have [X]. Or the extra obnoxious "Well have you tried getting a full night's sleep?". Like no, of course not, in the past six plus years I've never even once considered trying to get a full night's sleep. 🙄 I've even tried explaining to people why I can't try something or that I already did and it didn't help. The most common reply to that I get is "well you must've done it wrong". Ibuprofen. I apparently took *ibuprofen* wrong. And drank water wrong.
The advice comments are on point. When I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer I didn't tell anyone but my husband until I had my treatment plan worked out. I'm an anxious people-pleaser and I knew how susceptible I would be to wanting to take everyone's opinions in to account. If there's ever been a time in your life to be self-serving, it's planning your healthcare!
I'd also add, be more proactive in maintaining the friendship with your sick friends. Being sick usually means being exhausted a lot of the time and maintaining friendships just takes effort. So, it might seem like sick friends are less interested because they're less proactive, but that's usually not the case--they just need you to take on more of the responsibility of keeping in touch.
Yes! The last time I was in the hospital, I loved when people would text and ask if I was up to visitors. I got to tell them "Yes please! But short visits." Socializing was taxing physically, but also soooo needed emotionally. Frequent short visits was the perfect balance for my needs, and being able to set that expectation up front made me feel so loved and cared for. 💜
This spoke to me so deeply. I'm not "sick" but I am disabled. I have degenerative disc disease and a few other things that prevent me from being able to go out much because of chronic pain. I've been pretty isolated the passed few years since it developed, especially this year after I got fired from my job bc I could never come in. I'm grateful my disability brought me closer to my disabled brother, and I absolutely valued his advice over anyone else's because he's been through a lot of similar issues I was starting to face. I'm steadily geting more socializing in now that we've started playing DnD with one of my friends! Those nights are my favorite of the week because it's just me and the people I'm closest to being nerds for a few hours. Being able to roleplay an abled character has been really helpful in getting me out of my head for a while! This video makes me feel so seen, despite the differences in our experiences
Heya chronic-pain comrade. I’m so glad you’ve been able to have regular dnd to need out with folks you love! That type of regular, low impact socialising has also been helpful for me. I appreciate you taking the time to write this comment because I also related strongly to what Hank is saying here. It’s doubly nice for me to have, in addition, a little bit of reassurance that there are other folks who’re disabled & also feel seen my this. (I maybe should have felt & thought through the emotions reading your comment gave before I started writing. The above feels inadequate. [ As an elderly friend used to say ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ “what can do?”]) Thank you for decreasing world suck with this comment, even if it’s just the world of this stranger from Australia.
@@doubleplusgoodful I’m glad my comment helped you feel seen!! Disabled folk and people with serious/chronic illnesses seem to have a lot of similar experience… especially with unsolicited advice! It’s been so great to have a group of people I can play with! It’s so much fun, and it’s brought me and my best friend closer bc now we have a reason to hang out consistently (we didn’t before and I rarely saw them bc they’re super introverted). I’m so grateful for the connections I’ve made with other disabled and/or chronically ill folk. It can be so isolating, having a solid circle of people who just Get It is such an immense help for sure
The idea Hank says at 5 minutes in..."This is a wonderful thing to do for someone who DOESN'T have cancer..." was my exact thought right at that moment. Great video!!
"Friendships don't happen if they don't get invested in." ~Hank Green Words I have lived by forever. Thanks for the reminder, Hank. You're doing a great job.
This video made me cry for the most unexpected reason. I've had a debilitating health issue for over 5 years now. The visits and care from friends really do space out over time, until eventually you lose those friends because they don't know how to interact with you anymore. I'm the sick friend who can't go do any of the things people in our late 20s want to do. So no one even wants to stop by for a meal or a movie anymore. Keep in touch with your friends, people.
Like you, my daughter is in her late twenties and has had medical issues for over seven years. Her issues have required multiple surgeries and left her in constant pain. She has good days, but frequently she has a hard time walking for any length of time. As a result, she has a hard time doing the things that her friends want to do. Her boyfriend of several years ended up leaving her. The last time he had come by to visit, she was having a bad day and wasn't able to do anything. When you're not 'fun', your friends slowly evaporate away. As bad as the pain is, I think that the lack of social interaction is the worst part. As I write this, my daughter is out with one of her true friends getting her nails done. Simple things like this mean the world to her. I wish you well in your journey. If possible, find a therapist to speak with. My daughter has found this very helpful.
This may be completely irrelevant (and if so please disregard!!), but as a person in my early 20’s that wanted to make friends and seek out social interaction remotely, playing Dungeons and Dragons virtually with others has been a total boon. I’ve made some amazing friends online that I’ve even flown out to see in their towns across the US. If you’re ever feeling particularly isolated, it’s a very social hobby!
When my roommate was sharing her cancer diagnosis with people this year, she very quickly put a hard rule in place stating that she was only accepting sympathy in the form of extremely goofy and stupid jokes. In case this would bring you joy, Hank, you are so loved, and you've got this, and cancer? I hardly know 'er!
Participating in dark humour that she enjoys, as well as hundreds of memes a week. Give her an out from the situation. That's been my main contribution to my bffs journey through their husband's cancer.
I think that one of the hardest things about living with a chronic illness is that other people forget that you're sick and you end up being in the position of reminding them over and over. As you said, we get a lot of support directly following a major diagnosis, but it tapers off, and you may find yourself in the position of dredging it up, particularly on painful anniversaries, or when you need something that people have forgotten about. It sucks to feel like you've been forgotten or left behind by others who aren't experiencing your daily life. Thank you for sharing and I wish you only good gifts!
"Everything in my life is a project, friendships don't flourish if you don't invest into them" resonated deeply. A while ago I wrote a list of people I want to stay in contact with and/or be in more regular contact with and decided to cycle through reaching out to them. As in I laminated a piece of paper with a list printed on it and will send a text and mark it. When everybody is marked I erase and start again
Flowers: Folks may not be aware that a lot of flowers are toxic to pets! It's ok to ask a florist to make sure the flowers are safe for the whole family. Letting the receiver know the flowers are pet safe will also make you seem like a superhero of consideration (in my opinion 😂). The last thing anyone needs is an emergency vet visit on top of the initial situation ❤
@@Bacopa68 I think it comes down to knowing your person. Some folks appreciate flowers (especially if they are unable to get out into nature like they used to). Some folks prefer practical help. All perfectly fine preferences. It's important to let folks know about a potential issue with a common expression of support and love 💙
During my mom's first round of surgery for her cancer last year, all of her friends got together and made a food delivery schedule for a month in which a different person would cook for and deliver a meal for her and my dad every other day or every two days. It was such a sweet gesture from them and definitely helped out our family a lot. Her friends currently still bring over food sporadically while she was doing chemo and now, as she is on immunotherapy. It has been a very big blessing.
"Once you've had your basic needs fulfilled, what people need more than anything else, regardless of their health, is people." Wow that closing line really hit home. Thank you for showing me that my desire to be with people I love and be loved doesn't mean I'm crazy or overly needy❤
When I was going through treatment, the memory that sticks out the most is when my two best friends made the drive to the hospital just to play cards with me and crack some jokes while I was getting chemo. Everyone is different obviously, but I think for a lot of us with cancer, those little moments that make life feel a little more normal are more helpful than anything
The best thing I ever did after getting diagnosed was to ask all my friends to send me their cancer jokes. It told them it's still OK to have fun, and it made me laugh. Dark humor is like cancer. Not everyone gets it. Perhaps it's because I work in the medical field, they felt comfortable, but I highly recommend it. I had colon cancer and yesterday, they had to remove a part of it. Now I just have a ;
My partner was diagnosed with cancer a month ago yesterday. Had his mass removed a month ago today. I’m guilty of some of these things and I really appreciate this video. Now I know where to tone it down and I’m happy with what I got right. Thanks Hank. Hope your last round of chemo went well! Here’s to no more after this! 🥂
Hank this helped so much. My cousin was just diagnosed and the first thing I done was tell her to call me if she needed anything. A ride to appts, or me to shop for her. I felt she wouldn't call on me if she needed me. Then I watched your video. I opted to call her and just chat without saying call me if you need me. She just finished chemo and I'm getting her a small package together with tea, a book, some chocolate, and a throw. Thank you so much for your insight, and for helping me give her what she needs.
My dad died of cancer a bit over a year ago and one of the things that he said was the worst for him was feeling alone. He’d always isolated himself for most of his life, and so it also ended up being one of his biggest regret right at the end. Most of what he wanted to do was just to be able to talk to people, just like you said.
as a parent of a child that had cancer who is now well, I now tell people to help the caregiver. I've heard so many stories of caregivers falling apart once the years of treatment are over. Parents tend to keep it together for years and once the treatment is over and they feel the relief of that- their own health can tank. Help them take moments for themselves to relieve the stress even if it is just for a little while.
I love that Hank is still teaching, all the way through his illness. It helps all of us be better people and I think it's helping him get through it as well. Love you Hank!
Yes, the bit about asking people what kind of food they want is so important! When my mom first got diagnosed with cancer, SO MANY PEOPLE brought us meat dishes even though my mom had been vegetarian for nearly 20 years by that point. Great advice, Hank. Thank you, and I hope your treatment progresses well. We're rooting for you.
Its so important to be careful with advice for someone already dealing with something serious. For years I was constantly feeling guilty that I couldnt try everything that people suggested to get better, even though it was impossible as everything did not go together well. People made me feel like it was my fault I was unwell, but it wasnt. I started hiding my chronic illness, and lying about doing "errands" when I was just too unwell to do anything so no one would give me advice and then act like I wasnt even trying to get better if I couldnt or wouldnt take their advice. I now finally have a full diagnosis, and now know that 99.99% of the advice I got when I was open about being chronically ill was absolutely worthless.
I just found out today that my dad’s cancer is probably back and metastasized. I appreciate all the education you’ve been doing Hank, it means the world.
I dont know if my words could help you feel any better, but I truly hope and wish that both you and your dad get to feel surrounded by love during this nerve-wracking moment, sending you my biggest biggest hug and well wishes to your dad 🌸
Even though my mother lost her battle with cancer when I was a child, I really wish that people were having this conversation with me. I felt like there was nothing I could do, and that her illness was my fault. Thank you for making this an open topic for people in the future ❤
My girlfriend (now fiancé) has just finished her Chemotherapy regimen for her 16-month long battle against brain cancer (medulloblastoma, for anyone curious), and one of the biggest things that irked both me and her was her family constantly negging her to do something that *feels* like it should help, but she doesn't have the energy to do at all. For example, going for runs every day after her Radiotherapy, or just generally keeping active through her Chemo, or (the biggest one of all) telling her to stop the regimen she's currently on, and move to her home country to speak to the doctors there. The last time she's spoken to most of those members of her family were just months after she was diagnosed (even before the Radiotherapy began), so not only were they trying to tell her what to do with her treatment, but also wouldn't even take the time out of their life to keep her company. This video hit so so so many points home, and everything brought up I (as someone who has seen how my fiancé acted through her cancer battle and is continuing to act now) can relate to. Please share this video with anyone who knows anyone who is battling cancer, I wish the people in my fiancé's life had seen this video a year ago.
My dad had a medical health issue 7 months ago (he is okay now) and even though I wasn't the one affected, I wanted to say that I agree with this video a lot. I'm glad you were able to create it Hank, because I know that it will help lots of people when someone they are close to gets afflicted with something and they want to help. :)
You weren't the one *directly* affected. You were absolutely affected. It's really difficult to watch someone close to you get sick, and it's emotionally draining and exhausting too. I hope you've been kind to yourself.
My grandfather died from cancer four months ago and im watching this video while sorting through his clothes... I truly believe that the thing that made him the strongest though his deterioration is us (the grandchildren) coming to visit him and sit with him ❤ love is indeed an amazing force.
"friendships don't happen if they don't get invested in" is such a poignant, sage sentiment. So many of my friendships that have not survived are the ones where that investment was not happening or was not mutual. I really wish more people could work at and focus on this. It's hard, of course, with so many different things vying for our attention, but it is so, so worth it. Nerdfighteria, if you have a friend you've been meaning to reach out to lately, maybe today's a good day to schedule that. Best wishes!
When my husband was struggling with cancer, we so appreciated specific offers for help. “I am at Target, can I get you some X?” Or “I would love to see you, could I stop by and do your laundry/mow your lawn/shovel your sidewalks…”. We didn’t always know what to answer if some said “Let us know if there is anything you need…” but we really appreciated specific offers.
Most of these tips are very applicable for chronic fatigue and similar drawn out illnesses. Thank you Hank for making me feel a bit less like an ass for wanting human contact when I'm a wreck. I wish you a future with as little nausea and migraine as possible
You're never an ass for being lonely. I think most of us are lonely (at least in the modern world) and getting or being sick makes it much harder, because it's harder to do the things people do to socialize (go out, go to work to chat with coworkers, etc). I wish you well.
I slept so much when I was sick (pancreatitis leading to an infection and complications from gallbladder surgery), and when I wasn't sleeping I was kind of out of it due to the meds. Honestly like, outside of loved ones being there to directly help with medical stuff there was really no point in people coming to visit me. What was nice was all of the thoughtful cards and blankets and things people sent me. That's something I really appreciated after the fact. What stood out was just the little things people did to show they cared.
As someone with a chronic, invisible illness, I cannot emphasize all of these points enough. Thank you for putting into words what I wasn't able to, especially at the beginning of my diagnosis. Thank you, Hank!
Theres plenty of survivors on here, but I just wanted to say that your announcement came a day after a major surgery for me, while I was still in the hospital. Even though we have two totally different situations, I have really appreciated you keeping us updated during this because I feel like you've been able to voice ideas and emotions about it that I never could
being chronically ill a lot of this rings true, particularly the hanging out!! i cannot come to your party because i can only leave my house on very special occasions, please come round to mine for half an hour!
I came to say that all of this advice also goes for anyone who is chronically ill, not just cancer patients. I've been sick for years and have so few friends at this point. It's sad. People just slowly fade out and, due to the isolation that comes with chronic illness (or at least my particular illnesses), it's very difficult to get out and meet new people.
As someone with chronic illness this is also very applicable. I've only recently discovered after a decade just how valuable scheduling time with people is. Just having regular calls is magical. As far as food goes you nailed it with the Disposable containers. Those aluminum pans for casserole are a godsend.
Amen to avoiding advice. That is such a big pet peeve to me. People telling me what I should be eating. Telling me not to eat sugar. If I want to have candy, I want candy. People telling me what activities I should do. I need to walk more. I need to whatever. Damn I’m tired. Lay off. People telling me how I should think or feel. Telling me just to think positive and everything will be OK. It’s like back off.
Another note on giving your time/presence. Sometimes that jut means hoping on a phone call or zoom, or even just texting someone about non-cancer stuff. I went through treatment at the peak of the pandemic before any vaccines. So I strictly could not have visitors or see anyone outside my household. My family would set up times for us all to chat and play jackbox games over discord, which meant the most.
OMG, such good advice. We are currently in month 8 of my wife's cancer journey. One month ago, she had a 7-hour surgery, which left her partially disabled (we knew this beforehand). My wife and I are both introverts and caregiver types. With that said, I can't tell you how important it has been to have people in our lives. A kind comment or even a like on a Facebook post, cards, phone calls, flowers, cookies, meals, meal cards, etc. Each one has been super appreciated. When dealing with cancer, you feel alone, even though you know you are not. Any appropriate contact is so welcome. I agree with the "if you need me, call me" statement. It feels disingenuine and should be left at the door. We have had many folks want to visit my wife, and they are very welcome. However, I would say that all that she can handle is about an hour at a time. We also had neighbors make us meals, which was fantastic as I have had to be the solo cook, and any break is very welcome... PS, caregivers need love too! We are now dealing with walkers and wheelchairs; I agree that it would be great to get info not only on cancer issues but also on these sorts of things from people who know.
Hank does mention love your caregivers in the description ❤ I'm not familiar with mobility aids myself, but ppl with disability on insta and some fb groups may be more helpful. Pimp my mobility aid was one I was in, bc mobility aids are often blah and utilitarian and not very pretty.
I love the comment about not trusting the advice a not-sick person offers. I have chronic illness and it's amazing how much bad advice I get from not-sick people. Keep being awesome, Hank!
ugh the one my family gives me "you feel sick because your wanting to be sick, your just acting negative for the attention" Like fk off grandma I get your you but have some fkn compassion jesus fkn hell.
when my little cousin was in the hospital, i sent her books, a stuffed animal octopus, and coloring supplies. i called and asked her grandma ahead of time to make sure these things would be ok, and i figured sending a variety would mean that she would be more likely to enjoy some of it. she loved the octopus :)
Hank, undoubtedly you are correct in principle. In honor of imagining people complexly, though, could we say, “hey, lovelies who ask what they can do to help: we know what you mean! Could you say the same thing but this way? ‘Whenever you need a person to go get you something or run an errand and you think that there’s no one to do that, think of me! I am that person! Call me anytime for any reason. I’d love to take something off of your mind!’” ❤
As a cancer survivor and a caregiver for several years of someone with terminal cancer, all of this is amazing advice. I’d like to add, be very careful sharing negative experiences, ie death, with people currently receiving treatment. It’s not usually helpful, and in my opinion is a little self centered. It makes the person feel bad that you lost someone and often adds to their fears instead of making them feel better.
Hello from a survivor to a future survivor!
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Me as well!
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Unless he has this mild cancer for 60 years. In which case what would that make him?
Bro NBC's gonna be mad if u keep leaking the cast of the next season of survivor.
Also, the people who dropped by just long enough to scoop the cat box every few days and take my garbage to the road were my heroes. Thanks, Carole and Heather!
Ooo, great tip, thanks.
Yes, I've found if you can try to anticipate something that will be difficult for them and offer to do it, that can really help. Picking their kids up from school, running errands, walking the dog, laundry, cutting grass. People can take you up on a specific offer much more easily than a vague "How can I help?"
Shoot I was thinking the same thing. When I've been REALLY sick, simple things like walking the dogs, doing the dishes, doing the laundry, and even grocery shopping (and I don't mean a full list or anything, just something I absolutely need right now! Like dog food.) Become 10x-20x harder to accomplish when you can hardly roll yourself out of bed.
Yes, a friend of mine broke her foot recently and every time I visit her I try to run the vacuum, scoop the cat box, and take the trash with me on my way out.
Yes. People who brought meals, took out trash, and walked the dogs were my heroes
"friendships don't happen if you don't work on them" is such good advice that everyone needs to hear even if they aren't sick!!!
Yeah I immediately started thinking of friends to message
Frankly I wish someone had told me that in high school, especially after I graduated and slowly lost touch with all my childhood friends. If I had made a point of scheduling a simple phone call once every week or two to keep up with their lives and schedule a hang out when they were back in the hometown, it would have been great. Not every childhood friendship is meant to last but, without the common schedule of school and proximity of home making things easy for you, you DO need to work on it.
@@florisred The only old friends I hear from out of the blue from years ago now are caught up in some MLM scheme.
@@Mojo_3.14 I lost contact with 99% of my childhood/school friends. The 1% is my best friend and his brother. He went US military. That took him all over the world. I traveled to see him, I don't say this lightly. I took all my savings to see him in Europe and we traveled around. I made minimum wage at the time. Best trip I've ever taken. He came home for holidays (to see family too, but he made me a priority). We talked on the phone when we could. We texted and the response was slow, because of military work and my own schedule. Years later, he is out but ended up on the other side of the country from me. We still talk on the phone and text often. His brother is a year younger, we grab a coffee, catch up and play video games every now and then. My adult friends have spouses and kids. We still make time for phone calls or lunch meet-ups even if it's 1 hour- and yes, babies and toddlers are running around, but that is how I get to spend time with them. Also, the people my friends deem important I deem important.
I think if people really care about something they will make the effort and time. That isn't to say you cannot reconnect with someone. You also never know what people are going through so a "Hey, I was thinking about you the other day. We should catch up" message is sometimes welcomed. There are also different types of friends. I have some where we really only have enough time over lunch, coffee, or a short call. I still care about them. Other friends, we go on hikes, camping, walks, travel, etc. There are different phases to life. I'll meet people where they are, if I really care about them.
Friends should challenge you, grow and mature with you, but also be available when you need help.
My grandma finished radiation today and this is the exact video I needed. Thank you Hank, I hope you're feeling okay, and DFTBA
What's DFTBA?
Don't Forget To Be Awesome
Don't Forget To Be Awesome
and NHS. Nice head shape
I wish her a short recovery, and a prosperous, happy life!
Also if you want to give someone flowers, MAKE SURE THEY ARE SAFE FOR ANY PETS THEY MAY HAVE!!! Don’t add an emergency vet visit to their list of stress and expenses
Yes! Very important! (and another reason to not give lilies, specifically)
Make sure it's safe for people, too. Lilies of the valley are poisonous. Even the water that you put them in becomes poisonous.
Or just don't send flowers. Why? No one's dead yet. And also, remember the slogan of MD Anderson Cancer Center in Houston, a pioneering research institution. Their slogan is "Making Cancer History". And also, Hank has the lymphoma that has been longest known to be a distinct thing, and has a long history of effective treatment.
My husband had a very specific list of forbidden foods and flowers (which included lilies, I think because of the pollen) when he was treated for his cancer. Also he wasn't allowed any potted plants because of bacteria in the soil.
@@Bacopa68people don’t have to be dead or dying to like flowers…
Hello Hank, I'm an oncology nurse and I want to save this video to send to all my patients' friends and family members each time they ask us this question on what they can do. Thank you for advocating for yourself and for so many other patients. You are living with this yet still choosing to focus on educating -- you are such a remarkable human and we are grateful for you.
As a person with chronic illness who has been the sick one people took care of and also the one not knowing how to support my aunt through her chemo, I agree with all this advice. Hank, may your Pringles be salty and never crumble when you use them to make a duck bill.
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Yes! When I was diagnosed with colon cancer I had one friend just go off on me because I’d agreed with my doctor to have surgery. Got a full lecture (in a very loud and insistent voice) that all I should do was eat healthy, drink lots of water and take lots of vitamins. Tried to explain to her that I had cancer throughout the colon, it wasn’t going to just disappear. She just kept lecturing me. I finally just left her house. She’d been the person I first wanted to share with. Never knew she was so anti-medical before. And, no. we no longer see each other.
I hope you are doing better, and that person is a piece of shit.
I’m so sorry! This sounds so hard.
All some people have is the audacity.
@@missmichelann that one's gonna stay with me for a while
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As someone who watched a parent suffer (and pass) from cancer, having my neighborhood, neighbors I had never actually met until my teens because of my mom's illness, coming together to help cook while my dad worked and made sure my mom got the care she needed was the biggest blessing my family's ever had. I'm glad you mentioned it first
Sorry for your loss, I was in the same boat last year with my dad. Likewise our neighbors showed up for us in amazing ways, I consider them all family by this point. Glad we both had good people nearby :)
My bandmate had pancreatic cancer. It was painful to watch how totally clueless people could be. You are so right ask what they want. When we played WFMU he walked up four flights of stairs with his gear. It was important to him that he did that. He did his stuff on his own terms. Even the last time I saw him. He walked in. He was such a bad ass.
Last time meaning it’s been a while since you saw him or he’s dead?
what does wfmu stand for? couldn’t find it when i loved it up
@@bltcatwichits a radio station
Very inspiring of him!!! I’m not if you mean that he passed away or not, but if he did, I’m sorry for your loss.
@@wergthy6392 ohhhh i completely misunderstood. thanks!
My mom often gifts cleaning. She was a professional house cleaner for years so she'll go to the family and ask "What do you need cleaned that you don't have the energy for?". Pretty much everyone always has SOMETHING that bugs them but they don't have time for, and living in a clean house makes you feel better. She would usually go by once a week while the person was sick and clean whatever they needed cleaned and I'd go with her to keep the person company.
thats so smart! im gonna remember this one
Thank you for the suggestion, I didn't even think of this. And it gives me time to be social with the person cleaning as well.
Man, I’m, quite frankly, desperate for this. I just started a new round of treatments and my apartment is chaos. I can barely wash my hair or shower, so trying to clean my apartment is not something I can prioritize but waking up in it the way it is every day is so hard.
I just posted a comment about that. That happened to me recently and it was the single most helpful thing anybody did for me. I felt so much better afterwards.
This is brilliant!
I was my mom's caregiver, she passed from stage 4 cancer.
I bought her plastic utensils and wood chopsticks, because she always had a metallic taste in her mouth from chemo. When I worked while she was getting her treatments, she would tell me what she was craving - so I showed up with what she was craving.
My sister would always come by with Taco Bell bean tostadas (that was her favorite since it was bland).
Always check in and get them whatever they want, it brings them so much joy for what they are going through.
(Oh, and please check in on caregivers - towards the end, I struggled just to take a shower. The people who would just sit with my mom just so I could have coffee and brush my hair were the absolute best!)
I work at a cafe and there's a specific customer that always asks for plastic utensils even if dining in, and I have never been able to figure out why. It never occurred to me people can have preferences for those things because of stuff like that. Who knows if that's even close to the customer's reasoning, but this does make me think.
My mom had the same exact metallic tastes anytime she ate or drank water. She didn’t eat for three months basically, she was in and out of the hospital the whole time. She lost 50 lbs. but she finally made it through the chemo phase, and starts radiation next week! She’s kicking cancers ass, slowly but surely!!!
@@Franklin2OO7 I always love the happy endings
As someone who has autism, having it spelled out in such a crystal clear way is immensely helpful, more than you can know. Thank you.
@achronicdeth9131 WTF is wrong with you?
Same here, it v helpful from him
@achronicdeth9131there's not a solution, it's genetic and cannot be cured
i appreciate your comment. same
@achronicdeth9131what you mean
When my mother had cancer one thing that was very helpful is a friend took over the job of coordinating the people who were offering to help. She sorted out the schedule of who was bringing meals, who was giving us a lift to appointments, etc. That took a huge mental burden off of me.
yes!! when my close friend was grieving her partner that was a hugely helpful thing that other friends did, was coordinate care and support
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OMG HEROES!! Everyone needs that person but not everyone has that kind of amazing friend, love that.
As a cancer daughter, and a cancer mom, this is all fantastic advice. My husband and I have said we have never felt more supported, but also so devastatingly alone than helping our now 5 year old through her treatment. Checking in, especially LATER is huge advice. You’ve got this, Hank!
My sister is cancer free (9 years) from Hodgkin’s lymphoma. I texted her every day. I didn’t expect a text back. I didn’t ask how she was. She was terrible. I just updated her about my kids, sent a joke, updated her. Then I brought meals. Many many meals and filled her freezer. She didn’t eat them, but she was able to easily make her kids a meal and she could still be a Mom and take care of them. Great advice. Great video. Thank you 🙏 It was a bad part of her story but now it’s in the past. I hope one day it will be in your past too.
You are amazing. There's no telling how helpful you were in her recovery. Something as simple as this would be such a huge difference maker. You are a good sister.
As a cancer survivor, you're spot on with your advice. One point you didn't cover, but i think is important. If you need pain meds to manage your pain, take your meds. Don't be "strong" or "I can stuff it out". If you're worried about taking any medication, talk to your doctors. Hoping for your speedy recovery. ❤
Oh, I'm terrible about this, but only because I really hate how the meds make me feel. It's always a balance between symptoms and side effects. Anxiety meds are the same for me.
@vlogbrothers Oh man that’s relatable. It took me years to get used to taking pain medication when I need to take it.
@@vlogbrothersmy uncle last year was the same. He hated how the pain meds made him feel so it was always a fine balancing act. This video reminded me of the beautiful summer my family got with him last year where supports like the ones you described gave comfort to us all - byt most especially my uncle. When things got crazy there were always a few of us to remind everyonethat this is 100% about what he wanted. Feeling like I did right by him has brought me a lot of peace.
On a slightly related note, I've been stuck with managing chronic illness as full time job myself, and I haven't known how to answer when my loved ones ask what they can do because this is all so new. You and I are in totally different situations, but you've been a huge help to me none the less (as well as over the last decade for many a thing).
Thanks for putting this out there. Loads of love and healing and Pringles your way Hank!
BUT be aware of contraindications to medications and report them to your nurse or oncologist right away. I had a nausea medication that it turned out I really didn't need that caused crazy side effects, like hiccups for 14 hours.. We dropped that right away. Telling someone about these things may help someone else later.
@@vlogbrothers Yeah, if there are optional meds, and you don't want them, don't take them. I had Hodgkins when I was young, which is why I saw these videos, both the pain meds and the anti-nausea meds were optional except for one dose immediately prior to chemo. I struggled to take pills back then, swallowing them was difficult. I took some pain meds when things hurt too much, but I never took extra anti-nausea meds because I don't like things meddling with my brain, that's where I am. Funny story: They told me the anti-nausea before chemo is mandatory as otherwise you will definitely throw up, on my last session I threw up anyway, the nurses have seen this before and have the appropriate disposable containers at hand - "Oh" they said "Yeah, that happens, your body figured out that anti-nausea pills mean the poison is next, so, how about throwing up the anti-nausea pills". Fine, but then they said, "We'll just put the anti-nausea in your IV line". Uhuh. So if this was an option all along, why was I taking pills when I told you guys I struggle to take pills?
The number of people who ghosted my mom when she was fighting cancer- I was shocked.
Also, these are great tips for people who are dealing with grief as well.
I lost a lot of my closest friends when I became severely ill. People seem to think bad news is contagious, or they just do not want to hear it, even though we are the ones living with it, not them.. it was so horrible but showed me who really cared and who didn’t
My 9-year-old was diagnosed with cancer at the end of April. The day we got home from the hospital following her surgery was the day you made your announcement. Watching your videos, sometimes with her, sometimes on my own, has been so immensely helpful as we've navigated chemo and radiation and so on. I know you're tired and you feel like shit, she sure does, but these videos are doing real actual good for those of us going down this road too. I doubt that's the purpose of these, but damn if it isn't helping. Thanks and good luck through it all.
I hope your daughter feels better soon 🫂
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Good internet vibes for your child and family ❤😊
I only know Hank from the Vlogbrothers and Crash Course, but I wouldn't dismiss too readily the idea that Hank's purpose in making a video isn't to help others. Helping others seems to be a thread running through his entire tapestry. Best of everything to you and your daughter.
I think Hank is doing it to keep a level of normalcy coz theres just no way hes not freaking out and like any sickness "not making light of cancer btw, bare with me" you got to keep mental health in check like cancer is like scary sht but stress can make everything worst. You cant function well and your body doesnt function and you have to help yourself recover and being in good spirits helps alot and fact that your on treatment and stressed out its gonna be rough so at the very least theres this thing you do that reminds you of yourself before you even received the bad news. Keeping busy, being idle is when the bad thoughts visits. I wish you well and your daughter, high spirits "even an attempt is welcone.".
For about a year after I was considered cured of my cancer, every time I wasn't feeling good, my mind instantly went to "oh no, it's back". I know it wasn't a rational thought, and I have no idea how to stop it, but it is something to look out for.
I had the same feeling after my illness was considered cured, and it also wasn’t until after I was safe and healthy that I was able to start processing just how bad things had been while I was sick. Something I’d add to the list of helpful things people can do is after your loved one has recovered physically, be there for them if they need to talk about it because the mental and emotional impact may still be lingering
Maybe it's not the most rational thing, but it doesn't sound irrational either. You think it because you know it's possible. Maybe not the most likely thing, but still a possible thing
Oh yeah. That is a concern!
It is rational, but after my diagnosis and treatment it took me quite a while to remember what my grandmother used to say in her Southern drawl, "Boy, don't go borrowin' a good worry". She meant that, until you have evidence, you hope for the best and let go of the rest.
I am between surgery and treatment right now and I am already worried about it coming back! It's totally normal apparently. And not quite irrational since it is possible.
It’s not the same as sickness, but I am Ukrainian with many family and friends back home while I live abroad. The first week/month the wat started, everyone was very sympathetic and offered help. But as time goes on people forget to check in. It doesn’t really get easier for me to live with, but it’s easy for those who don’t live it to grow further apart from me. So when you are supporting someone through difficult time that is going to last for a while, just remember that it means a ton to have that consistency and longevity of support.
❤
This is enlightening. Thanks for sharing.
I got a diagnosis of multiple sclerosis a few years ago. One of the most touching things for me was when a friend told me that they had read up on my disease. It felt like they really wanted to know what was happening with me, not just expressing sympathy. It meant a lot to me. Thanks Meghan ❤
I was diagnosed last week. 😅 Is your treatment course going smoothly?
I found out a couple weeks ago that when I was diagnosed with Chiari Malformation in 2020 and had to have brain surgery, my partner (who was just a friend then) spent a lot of time researching it. And also, with them being a physical therapy assistant, they spent extra time learning what can be good for and really harmful for people with chiari both pre- and post-decompression surgery so they would have that knowledge if they ever came across a patient with it. They've continued to read up on it and learn about it and have really taken the time to learn my limits and needs and how my body works now that I'm disabled. It's been almost 3 years and I never knew they put in so much effort to understand me and I definitely cried a lot when I found out.
@@evalynn1863 I've recently developed a headache that is only present as I'm coughing. Like a sharp punch. Chiari malformation came up when I was researching potential causes and seemed pretty scary. I'm glad you had someone that could help you through it.
Yes, the most helpful and meaningful thing to me is when people learn about my illness
People say they cured their cancer with chlorine dioxide even in late stages. It's not bleach. Look into the works of Jim Humble and Andreas Kalcker.
This advice is useful for supporting people in so many different situations: people who are grieving, people who have just given birth, people who are acutely sick or injured, people who are chronically sick or injured, etc.
Thanks for all you do, Hank Green!
I came to the comments to say this exact thing but you already did! +1 to this comment - this advice would have all been perfectly applicable to me when I was grieving, and I'm now planning to think about it for my friend who is pregnant!
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Right? My boyfriend lost his leg when a guy went over the double yellow line and hit my boyfriend on his motorcycle .. ALL THE SAME STUFF APPLIES!!!! People only care the first month...
I accompanied a friend through all his journey with cancer, i even bathed him when he ran out of strength. Sadly he passed away, but he never complained and the last thing he said before going was "everything is going to be fine". Every time we went to chemo or to the medical check-ups, he made people laugh with his jokes. I learned a lot with the time we spent together, such a strong man. Nice video, man, lots of valuable advice.
You were his angel caring for him when he needed it most! Never forget that and make sure you give yourself the credit and love you deserve for that❤
Diagnosed at 43. Two kids, aged 4 and 7 at the time. Surgery. Radiation. Going on 5 years in the clear - but the feeling of that cloud hanging over you never quite goes away. Blood work twice a year is always anxiety triggering.
I wish you the best - cancer gave me more than it took from me. My perspective on life and family are changed in ways that nothing else could have inspired.
Keep fighting.
I'm a year and a half from my last chemo--and this is straight on point! I wanted, and still want, to spend time with friends. Time, in the face of cancer, is suddenly the most valuable thing we have to offer. If we choose to spend time with you, it's a declaration of love. And yes, delivered meals are the most valuable practical thing, but not just for the first week. Delivered meals for a month or more would be fantastic, especially if the person lives alone, or must care for children. Oh, and housekeeping services. Someone to mop, or wash dishes, or fold clothes. And I agree that someone asking what they can do really doesn't want to do anything. They want to feel kind, but not really be bothered. I'm sorry, but I'm not sorry.
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I am happy you are well. It’s a tough time but it’s now in the past. I’m happy you have more time. ❤
Heck Yes to the cleaning suggestion!!! It made a huge difference when visitors offered to wash up the reusable dishes that accumulated when people dropped off meals. And one friend even swept the cobwebs that started amassing on my ceiling. I was so grateful for help with concrete tasks that just weren't physically possible for me.
Feels so good to see you talking about this. When my mother had cancer when I was a kid, she got so sick of people asking "Is there anything I can do?" that she wrote tasks down on little cards and got them to pick one. Things like going out with a shopping list to pick up our Christmas presents, or fold some laundry, or vacuum, or take us kids to the cinema. Offering to do something like that would be a good place to start, depending on how well you know the person.
This is genius.
It's a very different illness, but I will never forget when I had a major mental health breakdown and my friends made such an effort to just be with me. One of them saw how anxious I was living alone and just took me home with her for a month while my meds adjusted. Others went with me to appointments or got me into creative projects. I went from afraid of my own shadow to making props for burlesque gigs. Company and creativity got me through it.
awesome, awesome to the max
Wow! You are so loved. I’m glad you’re doing better now.
I had a friend take me home with her and keep me with her until I was able to move home after I was assaulted in my apartment. I don't know if I'd be here if she hadn't. Companionship does much for the human condition.
You have amazing friends! Lucky, or you are also a good friend.
This is so encouraging. I had very few people that were there for me throughout my mental health issues throughout 2020-2022. My wife and one other really supportive friend. It was one of the toughest experiences of my life and I'm so thankful that I had those that were there for me... and I was bitter for a good long while that others that I thought would be there for me were not. This video was phenomenal - this comment is encouraging. I've said often lately that my number one political statement is "People are important" and videos and communities like this go such a long way in helping people and loving people.
I’m 3 weeks postpartum, recovering from a traumatic emergency C-section, and it’s amazing how many of the same rules apply.
Sorry to hear about that. We don't talk enough about how rough C-sections can be
I have stage 4 cancer and I’ve had an emergency c-section. Please don’t compare.
@@hermitwatcher8997I'm sorry to hear that, but you may be overreacting a little. All OP said was that the same rules apply. Nobody said that a C-section is just as bad as/ worse than cancer. Both people still need help in those situations. That is all.
@@hermitwatcher8997 I'm very sorry to hear that, but this really isn't a competition
Yayyyyyy mama made it! Congrats and give the little one kisses for me 💕
My two-year-old is going through cancer treatment right now, and all of this pretty much still applies to families of cancer kids! The one thing I would add is to be mindful of how comfortable cancer patients may be with exposure to germs, etc. since a lot of the time they will be immunocompromised from the chemo. It’s always nice to ask if they’d prefer to hang out outside or if you can wear a mask around them inside.
I didn't know this! Thanks for mentioning :)
@@corneliaf9004You didn’t know that chemo & cancer causes someone to have a compromised immune system? 🤯
Hi I’m Tyler I’m 14 and I heard you recently got diagnosed with lymphoma I just beat lymphoma about a week and a bit ago idk if you started chemotherapy yet or if you even need chemo but I just want to tell you man chemo is hard probably the worst thing to go through but I believe in you man and I know you can beat it ❤
Aww Tyler! That is very kind of you to share. I hope you are feeling much better these days.
Congratulations on your completion of treatments! It is the hardest thing you’ll have to do ever. 🔔
Tyler for the WIN!!
as a lymphoma survivor, I congratulate you and send you lots of hugs!
So glad to hear you've gotten through treatment ok so far, Tyler! I hope recovery treats you gently and you get to do more and more of the stuff you want to do.
7:14 "One of the scariest things about being sick is thinking that you might not be doing the right thing for your health, is so scary..." made me cry, because is so true. I still feel like this even after being told that I'm okay by my oncologist, but people don't get when you worry about not taking the pills at the right time or "small things" like that
To all the people who dropped off soups and casseroles, took care of grocery shopping and errands, and took me and my siblings to appointments during my mom’s recovery thank you. Bill and Amparo you’re the best!
Hank, you said you don't want to become 'that youtuber that has cancer' - you will never be reduced to that, but sharing your experience will help so many people through their own experiences with cancer. Luckily, I don't have a personal cancer story, but I do have ulcerative colitis and another chronic disease, and just knowing you also have it somehow makes me feel less alone. I am sure your videos are making lots and lots of cancer patients and their loved ones feel a lot less alone too.
As one of THE youtube pioneers, now way he just becomes "the youtuber that has cancer"
In time I'm sure he'll be known as the wonderful, enlightened, generous, and helpful TH-camr that *had* and overcame cancer as well at one point in time. Hank is the knowledge tank! His ammunition is the spread of less world suck, wholesomeness, and education to the masses!
Reduced? Dang
Reduced?
If there were a TH-cam Hall of Fame, Hank would be the first one inducted. Cancer, and honestly probably even vlogbrothers, wouldn't even be mentioned on the plaque. His corpus is just too vast and too great. Once he beats cancer he could just retire and be with his family and he'd still be an absolute legend.
Isn't it a beautiful thing that human connection is still one of the best gifts we can offer to each other? Hope that everything is going well with treatment!
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The complex connections between humans are thought to be one of the defining characteristics of humans, the thing that makes humans more 'human' than other primates.
I was diagnosed with the terminal illness ALS in October and so much of what you say I've found has been similar. I had so many visitors and calls and messages when I first was diagnosed and that's now dropped off to almost no one checking in on me anymore to the point where I've never felt so lonely in my life.
hoping you find good support and community
I wish you steady support and care. My mom had ALS when I was a teenager. We had lots of family nearby and everyone helped. I hope you have family (the kind you are born with, AND the kind you choose) to be there for you. I think some people are frightened of ALS, or frightened of what they see it doing to you.
My best friend passed away at the age of 18, 27 years ago, and the biggest regret I have is not spending more time with her :( Thank you for this advice, Hank. I wish I could go back to my 18 year old self and tell her this... I hope you are feeling ok today!
I'm so sorry for your loss! My best friend passed away 2 years ago and this might be weird but I'm strangely comforted that you still feel regret and just feel for them. 2 years doesn't feel real at all. I was scared of forgetting.
Sorry if this is an insensitive question but my mums best friend has cancer atm and I think what they are thinking is that she might not survive it. Is there anything I could do for my mum that you would've wanted someone to do for you in that situation??
I'm sorry you lost your friend, and I hope you've forgiven your young self. At 18, you were just beginning to figure out how to navigate life and maybe didn't yet have a lot of emotional intuition about what to do in certain situations. I bet your friend would admire the person you've become. 💜
> (from someone who has been there)
@@marthawilkinson3238 This may seem counterintuitive but my mother was in this situation not long ago, and one thing I can say is that sometimes you may have to insist on being with her even if she says she's fine or that she wants to be alone. It is so much easier to regret annoying your mom a little than it would be to regret not being with her enough.
This is so insanely helpful for disability and illness across the board. It's honestly so hard to say this kind of stuff to loved ones because we all know they're just trying to help in a way they know how- but a lot of people need to hear this. As a person who has a mobility disability, it gets extremely lonely and it's tough to get "help" that just serves to make me more exhausted when it comes.
“What people need more than anything else, regardless of their health, is people.” That literally made me start crying 😭 It’s so true. Humans are so dumb, but we’re also so cute because how beautiful is it that we literally have positive physical reactions to being with those we love 🥹❤
Hank I clicked on this because I'm a cancer survivor and I appreciate you advocating so loudly for all patients. Seriously thank you, your work is touching. If I might one of the gifts I absolutely adored was a heated blanket, it made the afternoons after my weakling treatments soo much better.
When my Dad was going through chemo I brought him his grandkids every day, no matter what else I needed to do that was my number one commitment. Later he said seeing us every day made him realize how much he had to stick around for.
Thankyou Hank. As an autistic person I found this very useful as general advice for helping people in general. I don't know anyone with cancer but I feel this will help me understand ways that I can be better about helping others. I hope all is well with your treatment and progress
My workplace sent me flowers after I had a major surgery to have a tumor removed. The morning after my surgery I was awoken with a jolt, long before my post-surgery biological clock felt like it was time to wake up, by a phone call from the flower delivery service. They had tried to deliver them, but I was not home, so they left them on my doorstep. I asked them to please take them back because I would not be home for several days. The next several mornings, I was awoken by similar phone calls, and I feel like the interruption to my rest (and the additional stress) impacted my recovery. And once I finally went home and received the very nice arrangement of succulents, I felt obligated to care for them, also adding to my stress at a time where I was having a hard time caring for myself.
Weirdly enough, several of the plants are still alive and I now see them as a positive symbol that I can survive cancer and that I can survive poorly thought out kind gestures.
Edit: Yes! Having people to talk to matters SO much! I greatly appreciated phone calls from family members, video chats with my siblings and their kids, and even the colleague from work who talked with me for a little while as they awkwardly dropped off some work for me to do.
6:10 "friendship don't happen if they don't get invested in" -- hard agree!!! I think when people hear that a relationship is a "project," people think that one person wants to "fix" the other, but truthfully it IS a little bit of a group project...it's something that you need to build and create together!!!
Hank, You are such a good human. While you are dealing with your own health crisis you are still trying to educate people about how to deal with sick friends. You dropped a ton of outstanding advice here. I wish you a full and rapid recovery. Sending you lots of love and warm fuzzies.
My fiance just told me that everyone she knows who's gone through cancer says that avocados are highly underrated. This was a great video, and I love how you're documenting part of this for those who have no clue what to do for loved ones.
Avocados are great because they're pretty healthy and have decently high calories, so when you're not feeling well, you can get a good amount of calories quickly and healthily!
Now I want to eat a bowl of guacamole 🥑. Love the avocado. They digest easy and have lots of nutrition value and are delightfully delicious.
Just so you know, there's a stranger half way around the earth rooting for you. Whenever i go through a rough time (which is more often than it should be) your brother and you make me smile. So I'm sending you all the good vibes. Keep it up buddy
this comment is so sweet 💕
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Hope your days become less rough in the future
Rooting for both you and Hank!!!
Wishing you good days.
I’m chronically ill and spend most of my time moderately to severely sick and bedbound. I really relate to much of what you say and I appreciate that u are taking up space to talk about these topics. I have never resonated with anyone on TH-cam this way before. Only in my online communities w the same illness. So thank you
Prob the only singular BONUS of cancer, is people kicking into wanting to help or sympathize mode immediately. With a more obscure illness that people don’t know about, they never want to believe the severity of my illness, bc they simply haven’t heard of it, now it’s my job to educate them on it on top of having to ask for extra support. Which is super awkward when you’re sick in a way that no one seems to understand.
I so appreciated u mentioning not to advise any sort of treatment if you do not have direct experience w the illness. I have broke down sobbing at the repeated recommendations that I should try to get more sun and change my diet. It is so, so, so demeaning to the lived experience of being severely sick. If a diet was a cure, my doctor would have put my on a diet. If VIT D was a cure, I’d have it injected up my ass right now. I am doing THE BEST I can to heal every day. It feels so undermining to my entire experience to suggest that food is the reason I have a complex, multi systemic and incurable illness
It really sucks that people belittle your illness like that. I hope you have people to bring you comfort and joy
Weird, invisible, oddly-named chronic illnesses take many forms, but all of them are a pain in the ass to explain to outsiders. It's like trying to explain the plot of a bad, convoluted anime to someone.
everybody loves the cancer patients but hates us lol!
I am chronically ill too. I think it might be because of the 'acute' nature or the fact that many forms of cancer have a treatment plan and set outcomes. Doctors know what to do, the signs are more well known, and can tell patients what to expect and what they can and can't do. Maybe people in general do too.. Chronic illnesses and cancers both have no cure and burden the people dealing with them, but with the latter there is less stigma and more general shared experience, I guess? Like sure, it's really very likely that the number of people a person knows with cancer or a chronic illness aren't all that different, but people know when someone has cancer. They don't blame them for it, or attribute the illness to something it isn't, they know that it's horrible and to come together to help whoever is suffering. It's acceptable and understood that someone with cancer won't be able to do the things they could before, will be unable to be as productive, and will need a level of support a healthy person wouldn't. That doesn't seem nearly as common as it should be with chronic illness. This video has a lot of stuff that can help people with any illness, acute or chronic, for sure.
I’m in a very similar situation to you. I just found a video on this channel by Hank from 7yrs ago titled ‘Your Illness is Not Your Fault’ where he discusses living with a chronic illness. He touches on some of the points you’ve made. I so wish I could send that video out to all my family and friends too. Maybe you’ll find it good to listen to, knowing others outside of our online communities get some of what you’re dealing with and that you’re not alone. On that note, I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this, both the physical and social consequences, it takes huge amounts of strength of character and who has the energy for that when chronically ill! Another cruel paradox. From one internet stranger to another, I get it, I hear you, and I’m wishing you all the best. I found your comment very helpful, thank you.
Edit: also John’s video about 5 months ago titled ‘Empathy and it’s Limits’ touches on some other relevant issues
"Schedule to get them flowers two months after the announcement" is really really solid advice, same with making meals for them too. After the initial "omg that's terrible news!" wave of help has passed, they still need help!
As someone with a very misunderstood chronic illness, I never think it can be overstated that people should keep their advice to themselves. Not a bad psa in there :)
Yep. Especially when it's their cousins girlfriends moms best friends son. Like no, that's not helpful.
This is even true from other ill people. Sometimes we want and need different things for ourselves, and there can be something so frustrating about someone insisting "this worked for me so you have to do it to" when it goes against your wishes.
@@jijitters ugh, yes, it's so annoying. Especially when they don't have the same illness as you, like great, I'm glad it helped you with [X], but I don't have [X]. Or the extra obnoxious "Well have you tried getting a full night's sleep?". Like no, of course not, in the past six plus years I've never even once considered trying to get a full night's sleep. 🙄 I've even tried explaining to people why I can't try something or that I already did and it didn't help. The most common reply to that I get is "well you must've done it wrong". Ibuprofen. I apparently took *ibuprofen* wrong. And drank water wrong.
The advice comments are on point. When I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer I didn't tell anyone but my husband until I had my treatment plan worked out. I'm an anxious people-pleaser and I knew how susceptible I would be to wanting to take everyone's opinions in to account. If there's ever been a time in your life to be self-serving, it's planning your healthcare!
Reading all the comments, I’m noticing there’s a lot of good hearted people out there. That’s really heartwarming.
I'd also add, be more proactive in maintaining the friendship with your sick friends. Being sick usually means being exhausted a lot of the time and maintaining friendships just takes effort. So, it might seem like sick friends are less interested because they're less proactive, but that's usually not the case--they just need you to take on more of the responsibility of keeping in touch.
Yes! The last time I was in the hospital, I loved when people would text and ask if I was up to visitors. I got to tell them "Yes please! But short visits." Socializing was taxing physically, but also soooo needed emotionally. Frequent short visits was the perfect balance for my needs, and being able to set that expectation up front made me feel so loved and cared for. 💜
This spoke to me so deeply. I'm not "sick" but I am disabled. I have degenerative disc disease and a few other things that prevent me from being able to go out much because of chronic pain. I've been pretty isolated the passed few years since it developed, especially this year after I got fired from my job bc I could never come in. I'm grateful my disability brought me closer to my disabled brother, and I absolutely valued his advice over anyone else's because he's been through a lot of similar issues I was starting to face. I'm steadily geting more socializing in now that we've started playing DnD with one of my friends! Those nights are my favorite of the week because it's just me and the people I'm closest to being nerds for a few hours. Being able to roleplay an abled character has been really helpful in getting me out of my head for a while! This video makes me feel so seen, despite the differences in our experiences
Sending so much love and comfy pillows! I'm so glad you get to enjoy DnD! That sounds so cool!
@@AwkwardSquirrel13 It’s so much fun! It’s given me something to focus on out of game too- watching videos and looking at classes and shit.
Heya chronic-pain comrade. I’m so glad you’ve been able to have regular dnd to need out with folks you love! That type of regular, low impact socialising has also been helpful for me.
I appreciate you taking the time to write this comment because I also related strongly to what Hank is saying here. It’s doubly nice for me to have, in addition, a little bit of reassurance that there are other folks who’re disabled & also feel seen my this. (I maybe should have felt & thought through the emotions reading your comment gave before I started writing. The above feels inadequate. [ As an elderly friend used to say ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ “what can do?”])
Thank you for decreasing world suck with this comment, even if it’s just the world of this stranger from Australia.
*past
@@doubleplusgoodful I’m glad my comment helped you feel seen!! Disabled folk and people with serious/chronic illnesses seem to have a lot of similar experience… especially with unsolicited advice!
It’s been so great to have a group of people I can play with! It’s so much fun, and it’s brought me and my best friend closer bc now we have a reason to hang out consistently (we didn’t before and I rarely saw them bc they’re super introverted). I’m so grateful for the connections I’ve made with other disabled and/or chronically ill folk. It can be so isolating, having a solid circle of people who just Get It is such an immense help for sure
The idea Hank says at 5 minutes in..."This is a wonderful thing to do for someone who DOESN'T have cancer..." was my exact thought right at that moment. Great video!!
"Friendships don't happen if they don't get invested in." ~Hank Green
Words I have lived by forever. Thanks for the reminder, Hank. You're doing a great job.
This video made me cry for the most unexpected reason. I've had a debilitating health issue for over 5 years now. The visits and care from friends really do space out over time, until eventually you lose those friends because they don't know how to interact with you anymore. I'm the sick friend who can't go do any of the things people in our late 20s want to do. So no one even wants to stop by for a meal or a movie anymore. Keep in touch with your friends, people.
Like you, my daughter is in her late twenties and has had medical issues for over seven years. Her issues have required multiple surgeries and left her in constant pain. She has good days, but frequently she has a hard time walking for any length of time. As a result, she has a hard time doing the things that her friends want to do. Her boyfriend of several years ended up leaving her. The last time he had come by to visit, she was having a bad day and wasn't able to do anything. When you're not 'fun', your friends slowly evaporate away. As bad as the pain is, I think that the lack of social interaction is the worst part. As I write this, my daughter is out with one of her true friends getting her nails done. Simple things like this mean the world to her.
I wish you well in your journey. If possible, find a therapist to speak with. My daughter has found this very helpful.
@@JimLambier Thank you for your lovely reply! I wish all the best for you and your daughter!
This may be completely irrelevant (and if so please disregard!!), but as a person in my early 20’s that wanted to make friends and seek out social interaction remotely, playing Dungeons and Dragons virtually with others has been a total boon. I’ve made some amazing friends online that I’ve even flown out to see in their towns across the US. If you’re ever feeling particularly isolated, it’s a very social hobby!
I'm disabled and chronically ill and sadly many of us experience this. I have found some community online/fb/ig so that helps some!
Thank you both! I need to seek out some online communities. Finding a D&D group sounds fun!
When my roommate was sharing her cancer diagnosis with people this year, she very quickly put a hard rule in place stating that she was only accepting sympathy in the form of extremely goofy and stupid jokes.
In case this would bring you joy, Hank, you are so loved, and you've got this, and cancer? I hardly know 'er!
Participating in dark humour that she enjoys, as well as hundreds of memes a week. Give her an out from the situation. That's been my main contribution to my bffs journey through their husband's cancer.
I think that one of the hardest things about living with a chronic illness is that other people forget that you're sick and you end up being in the position of reminding them over and over. As you said, we get a lot of support directly following a major diagnosis, but it tapers off, and you may find yourself in the position of dredging it up, particularly on painful anniversaries, or when you need something that people have forgotten about. It sucks to feel like you've been forgotten or left behind by others who aren't experiencing your daily life. Thank you for sharing and I wish you only good gifts!
"Everything in my life is a project, friendships don't flourish if you don't invest into them" resonated deeply. A while ago I wrote a list of people I want to stay in contact with and/or be in more regular contact with and decided to cycle through reaching out to them. As in I laminated a piece of paper with a list printed on it and will send a text and mark it. When everybody is marked I erase and start again
I love this idea and am going to use it!
Love that!
This is really really smart
Flowers: Folks may not be aware that a lot of flowers are toxic to pets! It's ok to ask a florist to make sure the flowers are safe for the whole family. Letting the receiver know the flowers are pet safe will also make you seem like a superhero of consideration (in my opinion 😂). The last thing anyone needs is an emergency vet visit on top of the initial situation ❤
Important concern, but I think the main point here is that flowers are useless in general. Get a prepaid gas card of a type widely used in the region.
@@Bacopa68 I think it comes down to knowing your person. Some folks appreciate flowers (especially if they are unable to get out into nature like they used to). Some folks prefer practical help. All perfectly fine preferences. It's important to let folks know about a potential issue with a common expression of support and love 💙
@@kevinl3875 Well said Kevin! Like Hank said, it's about knowing the person you're taking care of and what they specifically want.
Flowers weren't allowed on my cancer ward.
My best friend made me a beautiful arrangement of artificial flowers that I still have today.
as a cancer patient, I really enjoy dark cancer jokes, lol. and I agree, I couldn't/wouldn't ask anyone for anything.
During my mom's first round of surgery for her cancer last year, all of her friends got together and made a food delivery schedule for a month in which a different person would cook for and deliver a meal for her and my dad every other day or every two days. It was such a sweet gesture from them and definitely helped out our family a lot. Her friends currently still bring over food sporadically while she was doing chemo and now, as she is on immunotherapy. It has been a very big blessing.
Your mom has a lot of good friends. Support like that is what gets us cancer patients through the thick of it.
@@LilyBean82
"Once you've had your basic needs fulfilled, what people need more than anything else, regardless of their health, is people."
Wow that closing line really hit home. Thank you for showing me that my desire to be with people I love and be loved doesn't mean I'm crazy or overly needy❤
When I was going through treatment, the memory that sticks out the most is when my two best friends made the drive to the hospital just to play cards with me and crack some jokes while I was getting chemo. Everyone is different obviously, but I think for a lot of us with cancer, those little moments that make life feel a little more normal are more helpful than anything
The best thing I ever did after getting diagnosed was to ask all my friends to send me their cancer jokes. It told them it's still OK to have fun, and it made me laugh. Dark humor is like cancer. Not everyone gets it. Perhaps it's because I work in the medical field, they felt comfortable, but I highly recommend it. I had colon cancer and yesterday, they had to remove a part of it. Now I just have a ;
A cancer/dad joke. 🤯
Risky move, with colon cancer. Someone might shit themselves! 😏
My partner was diagnosed with cancer a month ago yesterday. Had his mass removed a month ago today. I’m guilty of some of these things and I really appreciate this video. Now I know where to tone it down and I’m happy with what I got right. Thanks Hank. Hope your last round of chemo went well! Here’s to no more after this! 🥂
Hank this helped so much. My cousin was just diagnosed and the first thing I done was tell her to call me if she needed anything. A ride to appts, or me to shop for her. I felt she wouldn't call on me if she needed me. Then I watched your video. I opted to call her and just chat without saying call me if you need me. She just finished chemo and I'm getting her a small package together with tea, a book, some chocolate, and a throw. Thank you so much for your insight, and for helping me give her what she needs.
My friend had surgery to remove a tumor from behind her eye. I got her a unicorn eye patch. She was thrilled
My dad died of cancer a bit over a year ago and one of the things that he said was the worst for him was feeling alone. He’d always isolated himself for most of his life, and so it also ended up being one of his biggest regret right at the end. Most of what he wanted to do was just to be able to talk to people, just like you said.
as a parent of a child that had cancer who is now well, I now tell people to help the caregiver. I've heard so many stories of caregivers falling apart once the years of treatment are over. Parents tend to keep it together for years and once the treatment is over and they feel the relief of that- their own health can tank. Help them take moments for themselves to relieve the stress even if it is just for a little while.
I second this.
I love that Hank is still teaching, all the way through his illness. It helps all of us be better people and I think it's helping him get through it as well. Love you Hank!
I agree 100%!
Yes, the bit about asking people what kind of food they want is so important! When my mom first got diagnosed with cancer, SO MANY PEOPLE brought us meat dishes even though my mom had been vegetarian for nearly 20 years by that point. Great advice, Hank. Thank you, and I hope your treatment progresses well. We're rooting for you.
Its so important to be careful with advice for someone already dealing with something serious. For years I was constantly feeling guilty that I couldnt try everything that people suggested to get better, even though it was impossible as everything did not go together well. People made me feel like it was my fault I was unwell, but it wasnt. I started hiding my chronic illness, and lying about doing "errands" when I was just too unwell to do anything so no one would give me advice and then act like I wasnt even trying to get better if I couldnt or wouldnt take their advice. I now finally have a full diagnosis, and now know that 99.99% of the advice I got when I was open about being chronically ill was absolutely worthless.
So thank you for bringing up the advice piece, Hank. Advice can be dangerous in more ways than one. You are always educating us 😊
I just found out today that my dad’s cancer is probably back and metastasized. I appreciate all the education you’ve been doing Hank, it means the world.
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I dont know if my words could help you feel any better, but I truly hope and wish that both you and your dad get to feel surrounded by love during this nerve-wracking moment, sending you my biggest biggest hug and well wishes to your dad 🌸
Same scheduled drop-in thing for people on maternity leave. "We just thought you were so busy with the baby." I WANT TO TALK TO A GROWN UP
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Even though my mother lost her battle with cancer when I was a child, I really wish that people were having this conversation with me. I felt like there was nothing I could do, and that her illness was my fault. Thank you for making this an open topic for people in the future ❤
My girlfriend (now fiancé) has just finished her Chemotherapy regimen for her 16-month long battle against brain cancer (medulloblastoma, for anyone curious), and one of the biggest things that irked both me and her was her family constantly negging her to do something that *feels* like it should help, but she doesn't have the energy to do at all. For example, going for runs every day after her Radiotherapy, or just generally keeping active through her Chemo, or (the biggest one of all) telling her to stop the regimen she's currently on, and move to her home country to speak to the doctors there. The last time she's spoken to most of those members of her family were just months after she was diagnosed (even before the Radiotherapy began), so not only were they trying to tell her what to do with her treatment, but also wouldn't even take the time out of their life to keep her company.
This video hit so so so many points home, and everything brought up I (as someone who has seen how my fiancé acted through her cancer battle and is continuing to act now) can relate to. Please share this video with anyone who knows anyone who is battling cancer, I wish the people in my fiancé's life had seen this video a year ago.
Best wishes to you both!
best of luck to both of you!
My dad had a medical health issue 7 months ago (he is okay now) and even though I wasn't the one affected, I wanted to say that I agree with this video a lot. I'm glad you were able to create it Hank, because I know that it will help lots of people when someone they are close to gets afflicted with something and they want to help. :)
You weren't the one *directly* affected. You were absolutely affected. It's really difficult to watch someone close to you get sick, and it's emotionally draining and exhausting too. I hope you've been kind to yourself.
My grandfather died from cancer four months ago and im watching this video while sorting through his clothes... I truly believe that the thing that made him the strongest though his deterioration is us (the grandchildren) coming to visit him and sit with him ❤ love is indeed an amazing force.
"friendships don't happen if they don't get invested in" is such a poignant, sage sentiment. So many of my friendships that have not survived are the ones where that investment was not happening or was not mutual. I really wish more people could work at and focus on this. It's hard, of course, with so many different things vying for our attention, but it is so, so worth it.
Nerdfighteria, if you have a friend you've been meaning to reach out to lately, maybe today's a good day to schedule that. Best wishes!
"Put it on the calendar" for friendship maintenance is good advice even when no illness is involved.
When my husband was struggling with cancer, we so appreciated specific offers for help. “I am at Target, can I get you some X?” Or “I would love to see you, could I stop by and do your laundry/mow your lawn/shovel your sidewalks…”. We didn’t always know what to answer if some said “Let us know if there is anything you need…” but we really appreciated specific offers.
Most of these tips are very applicable for chronic fatigue and similar drawn out illnesses. Thank you Hank for making me feel a bit less like an ass for wanting human contact when I'm a wreck. I wish you a future with as little nausea and migraine as possible
You're never an ass for being lonely. I think most of us are lonely (at least in the modern world) and getting or being sick makes it much harder, because it's harder to do the things people do to socialize (go out, go to work to chat with coworkers, etc). I wish you well.
A lot of this advice is applicable for most people going trough hard times, like having lost someone or even just having had a baby.
I slept so much when I was sick (pancreatitis leading to an infection and complications from gallbladder surgery), and when I wasn't sleeping I was kind of out of it due to the meds. Honestly like, outside of loved ones being there to directly help with medical stuff there was really no point in people coming to visit me. What was nice was all of the thoughtful cards and blankets and things people sent me. That's something I really appreciated after the fact. What stood out was just the little things people did to show they cared.
As someone with a chronic, invisible illness, I cannot emphasize all of these points enough. Thank you for putting into words what I wasn't able to, especially at the beginning of my diagnosis. Thank you, Hank!
Theres plenty of survivors on here, but I just wanted to say that your announcement came a day after a major surgery for me, while I was still in the hospital. Even though we have two totally different situations, I have really appreciated you keeping us updated during this because I feel like you've been able to voice ideas and emotions about it that I never could
being chronically ill a lot of this rings true, particularly the hanging out!! i cannot come to your party because i can only leave my house on very special occasions, please come round to mine for half an hour!
I came to say that all of this advice also goes for anyone who is chronically ill, not just cancer patients. I've been sick for years and have so few friends at this point. It's sad. People just slowly fade out and, due to the isolation that comes with chronic illness (or at least my particular illnesses), it's very difficult to get out and meet new people.
As someone with chronic illness this is also very applicable. I've only recently discovered after a decade just how valuable scheduling time with people is. Just having regular calls is magical. As far as food goes you nailed it with the Disposable containers. Those aluminum pans for casserole are a godsend.
Amen to avoiding advice. That is such a big pet peeve to me. People telling me what I should be eating. Telling me not to eat sugar. If I want to have candy, I want candy. People telling me what activities I should do. I need to walk more. I need to whatever. Damn I’m tired. Lay off. People telling me how I should think or feel. Telling me just to think positive and everything will be OK. It’s like back off.
Another note on giving your time/presence. Sometimes that jut means hoping on a phone call or zoom, or even just texting someone about non-cancer stuff. I went through treatment at the peak of the pandemic before any vaccines. So I strictly could not have visitors or see anyone outside my household. My family would set up times for us all to chat and play jackbox games over discord, which meant the most.
OMG, such good advice. We are currently in month 8 of my wife's cancer journey. One month ago, she had a 7-hour surgery, which left her partially disabled (we knew this beforehand). My wife and I are both introverts and caregiver types. With that said, I can't tell you how important it has been to have people in our lives. A kind comment or even a like on a Facebook post, cards, phone calls, flowers, cookies, meals, meal cards, etc. Each one has been super appreciated. When dealing with cancer, you feel alone, even though you know you are not. Any appropriate contact is so welcome. I agree with the "if you need me, call me" statement. It feels disingenuine and should be left at the door. We have had many folks want to visit my wife, and they are very welcome. However, I would say that all that she can handle is about an hour at a time. We also had neighbors make us meals, which was fantastic as I have had to be the solo cook, and any break is very welcome... PS, caregivers need love too! We are now dealing with walkers and wheelchairs; I agree that it would be great to get info not only on cancer issues but also on these sorts of things from people who know.
I appreciate the advice of giving caregivers support too- so important- sending love your way 🧡
Hank does mention love your caregivers in the description ❤ I'm not familiar with mobility aids myself, but ppl with disability on insta and some fb groups may be more helpful. Pimp my mobility aid was one I was in, bc mobility aids are often blah and utilitarian and not very pretty.
My dear Hank: this is one of the most HELPFUL videos that I have never whatched on TH-cam in my 33 years of life 💕
I love the comment about not trusting the advice a not-sick person offers. I have chronic illness and it's amazing how much bad advice I get from not-sick people. Keep being awesome, Hank!
Sometimes their advice boils down to “have you tried not being sick?”
I feel like you’ve tried that. That’s step 1.
ugh the one my family gives me "you feel sick because your wanting to be sick, your just acting negative for the attention" Like fk off grandma I get your you but have some fkn compassion jesus fkn hell.
@@oxybrightdark8765 literally 😭 i always hear "you should drink some water" its a chronic illness not a cold bro
@@tieragibbs3045 water is obviously a magical cure all.
when my little cousin was in the hospital, i sent her books, a stuffed animal octopus, and coloring supplies. i called and asked her grandma ahead of time to make sure these things would be ok, and i figured sending a variety would mean that she would be more likely to enjoy some of it. she loved the octopus :)
Hank, undoubtedly you are correct in principle. In honor of imagining people complexly, though, could we say, “hey, lovelies who ask what they can do to help: we know what you mean! Could you say the same thing but this way? ‘Whenever you need a person to go get you something or run an errand and you think that there’s no one to do that, think of me! I am that person! Call me anytime for any reason. I’d love to take something off of your mind!’” ❤
As a cancer survivor and a caregiver for several years of someone with terminal cancer, all of this is amazing advice. I’d like to add, be very careful sharing negative experiences, ie death, with people currently receiving treatment. It’s not usually helpful, and in my opinion is a little self centered. It makes the person feel bad that you lost someone and often adds to their fears instead of making them feel better.