The hardest thing is when the depressed person literally brings you down with them. I don’t know if it’s on purpose or not, but I can’t executively function well enough on a good day and that makes it so much worse. My husband is a good person but he is a little selfish (like all of us) and isn’t very self reflective
It's just disheartening to make jokes, be happy, see the world all colorful, and then your partner doesn't even laugh or smile, just a bland face, a lost look on their eyes, and nothing you do helps, except if you over extend yourself, tiring yourself and ignoring yourself. At this point you start to feel depressed too, unless you are a super woman. 😒
My wife suffered with depression and anxiety for years. I was always a very happy and supportive person who tried to be rock solid for her, making her laugh and helping her to always look at the bright side of life. I blamed myself for years for her being depressed and having anxiety. After years of trying to be the positive and helpful one in our marriage of 15 years. She has criticized me for years of my out look on life.. I now suffer from depression, anxiety and have very low self esteem. I now hate the world and myself but she is getting better and asks me way am I so cold.
Hi Mark, I see that you've already watched this video. I want to share a resource list with you. It might be a starting place to explore some of what you're experiencing, especially if you do the RAIN and HeartMath exercises. There's a pdf full of resources at the top of this page: www.rachaelsloancoaching.com/journey-to-emotional-freedom If you'd like some deeper support in exploring this and healing yourself, I'd be happy to discuss coaching with you and see if it would be a good fit for helping you recover and find your joy again. You can reach me at rachael@rachaelsloancoaching.com
Rachel I'm a husband going through this. I am looking up information on how to level myself up to be a better hisband. Just an input and suggestion, I find content creators forget husbands are trying their best to be a great supporter too and yet the creators focus only to their main feminine demographic. I appreciate your lessons and this is now my second video you created that I watched. Thank you for your knowledge.
My depressed partner is making me depressed in that: he is withdrawing, which means he's less affectionate, says ILY less, doesn't initiate sx....he seems disinterested in me because he no longer wants to make those efforts, which makes me feel inadequate and less-loved/desirable, which is depressing. Sometimes he says things that sound like he's unhappy with me and the relationship also, which means that I contribute to his depression. And that's depressing as well. I'm really trying to be more self-aware, have boundaries, and be understanding. I'm trying to be the partner I would want, if I was the depressed one. It's my turn to be the strong one right now, and I hope that in the future when I'm the one needing support, I will receive it.
I would not get your hopes up that you will get the support in the future when you need it, especially so if he is depressed at the time. You will be on your own. I feel for you because I am going through the same thing with my wife of 19 years, the past year has been the worst experience of our lives when she went into an acute episode of anxiety/depression/insomina and suicidal ideations and one attempt of cutting her wrists. Being the spouse of a depressed person is a lonely and scared place and will devastating and traumatic. I've learned that none of your friends or family who try to support you can understand what you are going through because they are looking at the situation from a rational perspective. Ive learned that some friends and family will runaway from the situation and not provide any help to you or the spouse, and some family will want to start pointing fingers of blame. I find that I stop talking to them about it with because they don't really understand or our damaging. Which means you are even more lonely . It be easier if she had a serious disease like cancer or something else because people would be more willing to help and support both of you. Most people shy away from helping mentally ill people. Try not to self-isolate yourself and try to get around positive people or communities to combat the loneliness. Try to find something healthy outside of your relationship that can fulfill and be reserved to the fact that you may never have that affectionate or supportive partner. I hope your episode ends quickly, but be aware, people who have depression once in their lives will more than likely have it again, and it comes back even more darker and evil. The other option is to end the relationship and move on. I would be lying to say that during the worst times I have had thoughts I wish I never met my wife,🙏
@@TheDisillusioned1811 I'm so sorry you're going through this, it sounds horrible. I've dealt with depression for most of my life, which has probably made me a terrible partner at times, but it has dramatically improved. My partner just had some really fantastic news today, so I am expecting our situation to improve. We are also heavily affected by the 6 months of winter where we live; it's cold, dark, grey, and we're stuck inside 24/7. That's not the lifestyle for us, we like to be outdoors in the warmth and sunshine as much as possible. We're not able to move at the moment, but definitely planning on it in some years.
My boyfriend is a veteran who has depression and doesn't share his feelings which is somewhat depressing for me because I can't help him. But what really depresses me, is his tiktok addiction. It's challenging for me to decipher depression or is he just unhappy being with me? 🤷🏽♀️ idk
What if my partner is never not depressed. He has persistent depressive disorder and there is never ever a day of relief, nor for him or me. In the 7 years I've known him he's never had a genuinely good day, no sigh of relief.
My husband had a very difficult childhood, he was sexually, physically and mentally abused from a very young age. Now he is a 54 year old man with a 14 year old whom he shares custody of. When he has happy days, our marriage is magical. When he has a rough day he spouts constant negative self talk, how his life is ruined, he wishes he could go back in time, make sure he is not born, he is such a loser and it goes on for hours. If we are not together I get phone calls/ text messages back to back filled with anger that absolutely kills me. Then my day or day goes to hell. I love him but I hate this negativity. He won’t talk to anyone, he has a mistrust of doctors and counselors. What do I do?
Thank you so much for this video, there are many videos saying not to internalise things that my depressed partner might tell me but this is the first video that explains concretely how to! I will try my best to apply it for now
I am so glad this video is helpful for you Clem. I'd love to hear an update about how this technique works for you. There are a lot of tools/strategies we can use to stop internalizing the things other people tell us. At the root of them all is separating your emotions from theirs, and understanding that their reality (or, more accurately, their mental map of reality) is not the objective truth about the world. We each get to choose our own mental map, our own interpretation of the events in our lives. Unfortunately, most people have no idea they get to make this choice, so we all tend to run around with really crappy emotional boundaries! It can also be helpful to consider that neither reality, yours or theirs, is a problem. This was the HARDEST thing for me to accept with my partner- the idea that his depression is not a problem. That nothing has gone wrong, and I don't have to fix or change it. When I finally took the leap and accepted that idea, I was finally able to show up and be there, be supportive, be loving and kind, without exhausting or draining myself. And I can tell you, if I did it, you can too! Because I was committed to believing his story! I was all in on it. And now I can hold space for both of us, which, if I'm being honest, is actually a bigger gift to me than it is to him. You've got this! Let me know how it goes :)
Would that slowly make one more distant of his/her partner? Its making a shell around myself which filters out negative vives from partner but in turn will it not reduce the respect we have for them?
This is a great question! Thank you for bringing it up. This was my concern too, when I started working with my thoughts. However, actually the opposite occurs. When I am taking on all of the negative vibes from my partner, it hurts. I feel bad. And I believe that I need them to feel better in order for me to feel better. It fuels the desire to "fix" the other person, which actually makes it really hard to be a good listener or truly be empathetic and ask for more details of their experience. If I am grounded in my own thoughts and feelings then what you are experiencing is less threatening to me. That means I can afford to risk really connecting with you. I can afford to ask, really ask, what it's like to be you right now. Tell me more. What is that like for you? In my relationship, this has been a gamechanger. Instead of feeling panicked by my husband's experience of depression I was able to be present with him and with it. Sometimes I still fail to hold my own emotional autonomy. But when I can do it, that's when he can finally open up to me. I can hear him. I can listen. I can stay calm and be present. We've had some pretty powerful conversations in those moments because I stop trying to fix him and instead really listen and sit with him. Sometimes it's too hard, and I fail. But I keep trying. Because owning the fact that I am responsible for how I think and feel is the secret to being able to finally, deeply connect with my partner.
Your videos are super helpful! I’m wondering if you have covered or can cover the needs of the non depressed partner. I don’t feel my partner is meeting my needs because of his depression so I end up feeling lonely in this relationship. I feel I am taken on this huge burden and it’s hard because I love him and we are married and we want to be together but when he has a manic episode (he also has bad anxiety) he explodes. It’s been maybe a handful of times in 5 years but it’s very scary and he has threatened suicide twice. He has even gone to the kitchen to get a knife and it absolutely traumatised me. I feel like I can’t leave him but I also don’t want to 😢
I am very lucky, you are right. Not everyone is able to reach out of a depressive episode, and I am so grateful that my husband can and does. How are you coping? Feeling like you live with a person whose soul is gone sounds like a huge sense of loss. It is very possible to be grieving the loss of someone who is still physically present. Do you have support for yourself during this?
My partner shuts me tbh. I can't handle his depression. He has depression due to family issues living alone. He's telling me he's at risk of being homeless.
Thank you for sharing what you’re going through-it sounds incredibly challenging, and I can hear how heavy this situation is for you. It's really difficult to support someone who's dealing with depression, especially when their struggles start to affect your own emotional well-being. It's important to remember that while you want to be there for your partner, you're not responsible for fixing everything, especially when it comes to deep-rooted issues like depression and potential homelessness. It’s okay to feel overwhelmed and to set boundaries for your own mental health. You can be supportive without losing yourself in the process. It's vital to take care of your emotional needs too-self-care is not selfish, it’s necessary. If you’re feeling stuck or unsure how to cope with these tough situations, I invite you to join my free masterclass. I’ll share strategies and tools that can help you manage your emotions, set boundaries, and navigate these difficult relationship dynamics. 👉 Register here: resources.rachaelsloancoaching.com/masterclass-register You don’t have to go through this alone, and it’s okay to seek support for yourself as well.
Hi Ena, I can relate to the feeling of not being able to think otherwise. Our brains are experts at finding evidence to support our beliefs, which is why your thoughts about age and health feel impossible to change. And that's okay. It's actually a good sign that your brain is doing it's job :) I find that it's never useful to argue with my brain. It's much more effective to acknowledge my thoughts, explore my beliefs and ask myself questions. Kind of like teaming up with your brain instead of fighting it. If you are looking for a change (and you don't have to, there is no judgement or "right or wrong way of thinking", just how do you feel now? and how do you want to feel?) I might recommend exploring why you think it's a problem to be old and suffering poor health. I know it sounds silly because the answer seems obvious, but if you pose the question to yourself you might be surprised at what you get. It's a place to start. More than anything, I'd like you to know that you aren't alone in this. Changing the way you think feels impossible when you are in the midst of your thoughts. That is true for me too, and even for master coaches and expert therapists! That's why coaching is so useful. We all need someone to help us see our own blind spots and find the path through. Perhaps knowing that others struggle with the same challenge can help you find the space to be kind to yourself and gentle with your mind on your journey.
I've only just discovered (because he finally opened up to me that he's not generally happy) and I'm having a difficult time. I love him so much & he is doing a combination of...You're too passionate, you love me too much (there was a time that he loved me for this) yet also saying, "This has nothing to do with you". Which also affects me because perhaps I didn't actually cause his unhappiness with the world, yet how can it have nothing to do with me when I'm a part of his life? I don't want our 3 year relationship to end. Our loving, strong, happy relationship has been a source of trust, acceptance, truth, and we count on each other. Now my strong boyfriend is struggling. I want to help but I feel affected by his unhappy mood. I have things to be happy about & I wanted him to go along for the ride but now he's wanting to run away from life because it's making him unhappy. We do not live together. I have my own home & life. I don't have kids & he has grown kids. His kids don't live nearby, his adult stepson moved in with him & for a while things between them were awesome but the stepson got a girlfriend & his absence from the house has caused issues for my boyfriend, plus their relationship is stressed now. I think that's affecting him on a much deeper level then he's willing to admit. His grown daughters still come to him with issues & problems and he says work just doesn't make him happy anymore. He tells me he loves me, doesn't want to break up at all & he just needs me to understand. He said he's willing to go to the Dr. for medication therapy. So...I don't know. I just want to be supportive until he starts to feel better. I can't help but feel a little sad.
Hi Michelle, thank you so much for sharing. It can be so painful to see your strong, loving boyfriend struggling. It is a disarming realization and it can leave you feeling disconnected or ungrounded. There are a couple of things I'd like to suggest to you. First, it's important to spend a little time processing your emotions. Of course you feel sad! That's okay. We tend to think that we shouldn't feel negative or unpleasant emotions or that we should be able to separate our feelings from those of our partners. Common emotions that come up in situations like yours are sadness, loneliness, frustration, guilt, anxiety and resentment. Your emotional health and your ability to support your boyfriend through this depends on your ability to allow, accept and feel through those emotions as they arise, without rejecting or fighting them. Secondly, it is normal that he goes back and forth between saying this has nothing to do with you and saying that you're "too passionate" or love him "too much". Depression is powerful and frightening. Sometimes a partner's love can feel overwhelming because he feels obligated to reciprocate it but simply can't because he has no energy and is emotionally numb. Alternately, he may feel that he doesn't deserve your love or that he is bringing you down. Feelings of unworthiness or self-loathing can come into play. None of that has anything to do with you. It isn't your fault. There are ways that you can support him while reducing behaviors that trigger those reactions in him. Those are skills you can develop. However, the most critical aspect of supporting him and tapping back into the trust and love that have been so powerful in your relationship with him is not a skill, a technique or a way of behaving around him. The most important thing you can do is heal your own emotional wounds, identify and manage your own triggers and strengthen your relationship with yourself. You need a solid foundation of self-compassion, self-trust and emotional resilience in order to be there for him in this struggle without taking it personally, getting depressed yourself or feeling abandoned or rejected. If you would like to talk about the specifics of achieving these things, let's talk. You can schedule a call with me here: calendly.com/rachaelsloan/strategy or email me directly at rachael@rachaelsloancoaching.com.
The hardest thing is when the depressed person literally brings you down with them. I don’t know if it’s on purpose or not, but I can’t executively function well enough on a good day and that makes it so much worse. My husband is a good person but he is a little selfish (like all of us) and isn’t very self reflective
It's just disheartening to make jokes, be happy, see the world all colorful, and then your partner doesn't even laugh or smile, just a bland face, a lost look on their eyes, and nothing you do helps, except if you over extend yourself, tiring yourself and ignoring yourself. At this point you start to feel depressed too, unless you are a super woman. 😒
Please continue to offer videos for the spouses and caregivers of depressed persons. There is almost nothing available for self help in this area.
Hi Nancy, thank you, and I will continue to put out videos on these topics. Is there anything in particular you would like to see a video focusing on?
Exactly this. Thank you.
My wife suffered with depression and anxiety for years. I was always a very happy and supportive person who tried to be rock solid for her, making her laugh and helping her to always look at the bright side of life. I blamed myself for years for her being depressed and having anxiety. After years of trying to be the positive and helpful one in our marriage of 15 years. She has criticized me for years of my out look on life.. I now suffer from depression, anxiety and have very low self esteem. I now hate the world and myself but she is getting better and asks me way am I so cold.
Hi Mark, I see that you've already watched this video.
I want to share a resource list with you. It might be a starting place to explore some of what you're experiencing, especially if you do the RAIN and HeartMath exercises.
There's a pdf full of resources at the top of this page:
www.rachaelsloancoaching.com/journey-to-emotional-freedom
If you'd like some deeper support in exploring this and healing yourself, I'd be happy to discuss coaching with you and see if it would be a good fit for helping you recover and find your joy again. You can reach me at rachael@rachaelsloancoaching.com
Rachel I'm a husband going through this. I am looking up information on how to level myself up to be a better hisband.
Just an input and suggestion, I find content creators forget husbands are trying their best to be a great supporter too and yet the creators focus only to their main feminine demographic.
I appreciate your lessons and this is now my second video you created that I watched.
Thank you for your knowledge.
My depressed partner is making me depressed in that: he is withdrawing, which means he's less affectionate, says ILY less, doesn't initiate sx....he seems disinterested in me because he no longer wants to make those efforts, which makes me feel inadequate and less-loved/desirable, which is depressing. Sometimes he says things that sound like he's unhappy with me and the relationship also, which means that I contribute to his depression. And that's depressing as well. I'm really trying to be more self-aware, have boundaries, and be understanding. I'm trying to be the partner I would want, if I was the depressed one. It's my turn to be the strong one right now, and I hope that in the future when I'm the one needing support, I will receive it.
I would not get your hopes up that you will get the support in the future when you need it, especially so if he is depressed at the time. You will be on your own. I feel for you because I am going through the same thing with my wife of 19 years, the past year has been the worst experience of our lives when she went into an acute episode of anxiety/depression/insomina and suicidal ideations and one attempt of cutting her wrists. Being the spouse of a depressed person is a lonely and scared place and will devastating and traumatic. I've learned that none of your friends or family who try to support you can understand what you are going through because they are looking at the situation from a rational perspective. Ive learned that some friends and family will runaway from the situation and not provide any help to you or the spouse, and some family will want to start pointing fingers of blame. I find that I stop talking to them about it with because they don't really understand or our damaging. Which means you are even more lonely . It be easier if she had a serious disease like cancer or something else because people would be more willing to help and support both of you. Most people shy away from helping mentally ill people. Try not to self-isolate yourself and try to get around positive people or communities to combat the loneliness. Try to find something healthy outside of your relationship that can fulfill and be reserved to the fact that you may never have that affectionate or supportive partner. I hope your episode ends quickly, but be aware, people who have depression once in their lives will more than likely have it again, and it comes back even more darker and evil. The other option is to end the relationship and move on. I would be lying to say that during the worst times I have had thoughts I wish I never met my wife,🙏
@@TheDisillusioned1811 I'm so sorry you're going through this, it sounds horrible. I've dealt with depression for most of my life, which has probably made me a terrible partner at times, but it has dramatically improved. My partner just had some really fantastic news today, so I am expecting our situation to improve. We are also heavily affected by the 6 months of winter where we live; it's cold, dark, grey, and we're stuck inside 24/7. That's not the lifestyle for us, we like to be outdoors in the warmth and sunshine as much as possible. We're not able to move at the moment, but definitely planning on it in some years.
My boyfriend is a veteran who has depression and doesn't share his feelings which is somewhat depressing for me because I can't help him. But what really depresses me, is his tiktok addiction. It's challenging for me to decipher depression or is he just unhappy being with me? 🤷🏽♀️ idk
What if my partner is never not depressed. He has persistent depressive disorder and there is never ever a day of relief, nor for him or me. In the 7 years I've known him he's never had a genuinely good day, no sigh of relief.
My husband had a very difficult childhood, he was sexually, physically and mentally abused from a very young age. Now he is a 54 year old man with a 14 year old whom he shares custody of. When he has happy days, our marriage is magical. When he has a rough day he spouts constant negative self talk, how his life is ruined, he wishes he could go back in time, make sure he is not born, he is such a loser and it goes on for hours. If we are not together I get phone calls/ text messages back to back filled with anger that absolutely kills me. Then my day or day goes to hell. I love him but I hate this negativity. He won’t talk to anyone, he has a mistrust of doctors and counselors. What do I do?
Thank you so much for this video, there are many videos saying not to internalise things that my depressed partner might tell me but this is the first video that explains concretely how to! I will try my best to apply it for now
I am so glad this video is helpful for you Clem. I'd love to hear an update about how this technique works for you. There are a lot of tools/strategies we can use to stop internalizing the things other people tell us. At the root of them all is separating your emotions from theirs, and understanding that their reality (or, more accurately, their mental map of reality) is not the objective truth about the world. We each get to choose our own mental map, our own interpretation of the events in our lives. Unfortunately, most people have no idea they get to make this choice, so we all tend to run around with really crappy emotional boundaries!
It can also be helpful to consider that neither reality, yours or theirs, is a problem. This was the HARDEST thing for me to accept with my partner- the idea that his depression is not a problem. That nothing has gone wrong, and I don't have to fix or change it. When I finally took the leap and accepted that idea, I was finally able to show up and be there, be supportive, be loving and kind, without exhausting or draining myself. And I can tell you, if I did it, you can too! Because I was committed to believing his story! I was all in on it. And now I can hold space for both of us, which, if I'm being honest, is actually a bigger gift to me than it is to him. You've got this! Let me know how it goes :)
Thank you for this very practical approach to staying present with others without losing your sense of self. ❤
Would that slowly make one more distant of his/her partner? Its making a shell around myself which filters out negative vives from partner but in turn will it not reduce the respect we have for them?
This is a great question! Thank you for bringing it up. This was my concern too, when I started working with my thoughts. However, actually the opposite occurs.
When I am taking on all of the negative vibes from my partner, it hurts. I feel bad. And I believe that I need them to feel better in order for me to feel better. It fuels the desire to "fix" the other person, which actually makes it really hard to be a good listener or truly be empathetic and ask for more details of their experience.
If I am grounded in my own thoughts and feelings then what you are experiencing is less threatening to me. That means I can afford to risk really connecting with you. I can afford to ask, really ask, what it's like to be you right now. Tell me more. What is that like for you?
In my relationship, this has been a gamechanger. Instead of feeling panicked by my husband's experience of depression I was able to be present with him and with it. Sometimes I still fail to hold my own emotional autonomy. But when I can do it, that's when he can finally open up to me. I can hear him. I can listen. I can stay calm and be present. We've had some pretty powerful conversations in those moments because I stop trying to fix him and instead really listen and sit with him. Sometimes it's too hard, and I fail. But I keep trying. Because owning the fact that I am responsible for how I think and feel is the secret to being able to finally, deeply connect with my partner.
Your videos are super helpful! I’m wondering if you have covered or can cover the needs of the non depressed partner. I don’t feel my partner is meeting my needs because of his depression so I end up feeling lonely in this relationship. I feel I am taken on this huge burden and it’s hard because I love him and we are married and we want to be together but when he has a manic episode (he also has bad anxiety) he explodes. It’s been maybe a handful of times in 5 years but it’s very scary and he has threatened suicide twice. He has even gone to the kitchen to get a knife and it absolutely traumatised me. I feel like I can’t leave him but I also don’t want to 😢
You are lucky your partner a lease shares with you , mine is happy in the quite of his self. . I live with a person who soul is gone.
I am very lucky, you are right. Not everyone is able to reach out of a depressive episode, and I am so grateful that my husband can and does.
How are you coping? Feeling like you live with a person whose soul is gone sounds like a huge sense of loss. It is very possible to be grieving the loss of someone who is still physically present. Do you have support for yourself during this?
Thank you for all the information shared here.
You're welcome. I'm glad it has been helpful.
My partner shuts me tbh. I can't handle his depression. He has depression due to family issues living alone. He's telling me he's at risk of being homeless.
Thank you for sharing what you’re going through-it sounds incredibly challenging, and I can hear how heavy this situation is for you. It's really difficult to support someone who's dealing with depression, especially when their struggles start to affect your own emotional well-being. It's important to remember that while you want to be there for your partner, you're not responsible for fixing everything, especially when it comes to deep-rooted issues like depression and potential homelessness.
It’s okay to feel overwhelmed and to set boundaries for your own mental health. You can be supportive without losing yourself in the process. It's vital to take care of your emotional needs too-self-care is not selfish, it’s necessary.
If you’re feeling stuck or unsure how to cope with these tough situations, I invite you to join my free masterclass. I’ll share strategies and tools that can help you manage your emotions, set boundaries, and navigate these difficult relationship dynamics.
👉 Register here: resources.rachaelsloancoaching.com/masterclass-register
You don’t have to go through this alone, and it’s okay to seek support for yourself as well.
Thank you for this. This was so helpful 💕
both old and suffering ill health Depression based on this. I cannot think otherwise
Hi Ena, I can relate to the feeling of not being able to think otherwise. Our brains are experts at finding evidence to support our beliefs, which is why your thoughts about age and health feel impossible to change. And that's okay. It's actually a good sign that your brain is doing it's job :)
I find that it's never useful to argue with my brain. It's much more effective to acknowledge my thoughts, explore my beliefs and ask myself questions. Kind of like teaming up with your brain instead of fighting it.
If you are looking for a change (and you don't have to, there is no judgement or "right or wrong way of thinking", just how do you feel now? and how do you want to feel?) I might recommend exploring why you think it's a problem to be old and suffering poor health. I know it sounds silly because the answer seems obvious, but if you pose the question to yourself you might be surprised at what you get.
It's a place to start. More than anything, I'd like you to know that you aren't alone in this. Changing the way you think feels impossible when you are in the midst of your thoughts. That is true for me too, and even for master coaches and expert therapists! That's why coaching is so useful. We all need someone to help us see our own blind spots and find the path through.
Perhaps knowing that others struggle with the same challenge can help you find the space to be kind to yourself and gentle with your mind on your journey.
I've only just discovered (because he finally opened up to me that he's not generally happy) and I'm having a difficult time. I love him so much & he is doing a combination of...You're too passionate, you love me too much (there was a time that he loved me for this) yet also saying, "This has nothing to do with you". Which also affects me because perhaps I didn't actually cause his unhappiness with the world, yet how can it have nothing to do with me when I'm a part of his life? I don't want our 3 year relationship to end. Our loving, strong, happy relationship has been a source of trust, acceptance, truth, and we count on each other. Now my strong boyfriend is struggling. I want to help but I feel affected by his unhappy mood. I have things to be happy about & I wanted him to go along for the ride but now he's wanting to run away from life because it's making him unhappy. We do not live together. I have my own home & life. I don't have kids & he has grown kids. His kids don't live nearby, his adult stepson moved in with him & for a while things between them were awesome but the stepson got a girlfriend & his absence from the house has caused issues for my boyfriend, plus their relationship is stressed now. I think that's affecting him on a much deeper level then he's willing to admit. His grown daughters still come to him with issues & problems and he says work just doesn't make him happy anymore. He tells me he loves me, doesn't want to break up at all & he just needs me to understand. He said he's willing to go to the Dr. for medication therapy. So...I don't know. I just want to be supportive until he starts to feel better. I can't help but feel a little sad.
Hi Michelle, thank you so much for sharing. It can be so painful to see your strong, loving boyfriend struggling. It is a disarming realization and it can leave you feeling disconnected or ungrounded.
There are a couple of things I'd like to suggest to you. First, it's important to spend a little time processing your emotions. Of course you feel sad! That's okay. We tend to think that we shouldn't feel negative or unpleasant emotions or that we should be able to separate our feelings from those of our partners. Common emotions that come up in situations like yours are sadness, loneliness, frustration, guilt, anxiety and resentment. Your emotional health and your ability to support your boyfriend through this depends on your ability to allow, accept and feel through those emotions as they arise, without rejecting or fighting them.
Secondly, it is normal that he goes back and forth between saying this has nothing to do with you and saying that you're "too passionate" or love him "too much". Depression is powerful and frightening. Sometimes a partner's love can feel overwhelming because he feels obligated to reciprocate it but simply can't because he has no energy and is emotionally numb. Alternately, he may feel that he doesn't deserve your love or that he is bringing you down. Feelings of unworthiness or self-loathing can come into play.
None of that has anything to do with you. It isn't your fault. There are ways that you can support him while reducing behaviors that trigger those reactions in him. Those are skills you can develop.
However, the most critical aspect of supporting him and tapping back into the trust and love that have been so powerful in your relationship with him is not a skill, a technique or a way of behaving around him. The most important thing you can do is heal your own emotional wounds, identify and manage your own triggers and strengthen your relationship with yourself.
You need a solid foundation of self-compassion, self-trust and emotional resilience in order to be there for him in this struggle without taking it personally, getting depressed yourself or feeling abandoned or rejected.
If you would like to talk about the specifics of achieving these things, let's talk. You can schedule a call with me here: calendly.com/rachaelsloan/strategy or email me directly at rachael@rachaelsloancoaching.com.
Wow this was incredibly insightful 🧡