Is Your CPTSD/Clinging Behavior PUSHING PEOPLE AWAY?
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 2 ต.ค. 2024
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Do you get ghosted when you give too much? Trying MAKE things happen with other people -- over-giving, pretending to be OK with an uneven relationship, and trying to control other people through pressure or guilt -- almost never gets you what you want. In this video a offer advice to two letter writers who are confused whether they ATTRACT the type who ghosts (cuts off all communication) or if good people are abandoning them because of something they are DOING.
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"...they *are* avoidant people and you...
Are attracted *to* them."
I felt that in my soul, Anna.
Appreciate you!
When they are your children,your brothers ,your uncles and cousins,the only folks you ever had ?
@@danaspielbusch4610 I was born into the same situation. After 40 years of being the receiver of abuse, manipulation, and endless lies, I left it all and made a life for myself. There are a lot of people like me. Anyone who tells you that family is the most important thing is trying to manipulate you. You didn't choose your family; it isn't your fault. Be free.
It seems like the more someone doesn't want me the more I want them. Like "winning" them over will prove my parents wrong about me.
Exactly, it's not called a "vicious" cycle for nothing. It's really vicious! There is tons of help and support at www.crappychildhoodfairy.com :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
@Manny Cracker 🤣
This is very accurate
Human beings are meant to attach and bond. We live in a world where we are told to not be attached and to be independent and to not look too "needy".
If someone ghosts you because you want to create something meaningful then they are not into you and they are just a crappy human being for not being honest. This whole dating thing is a game that I do not want to play ever again. Text too much and you look like you are overeager and if you don't text at all they say, " you don't seem interested.'
We are biologically wired to meet somebody and be with that person in a pair bond. It isn't supposed to be casual and confusing. Unless you do something off-the-charts crazy and someone ghosts you, it's because there is something wrong with THEM, not you.
It would be great if everyone would be kinder in communication, that's for sure :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
❤‼
Thank you SHERRY ...this happened to me...always telling me I was not good enough..weird etc...gets to you after awhile till you stand up for yourself:)
dating these days is the WORST!! everyone is traumatized and there are FAR too many head games that must be played to deal with it.. I'm tired!
@@stariadreamtea Yes, I feel like the electronic age meaning the online age makes it even worse. People do not have to face each other, and be honest & you cannot read a person's expression via a text, or hear their voice or gain a sense of what they are about in terms of their honesty. At least it is a lot more difficult.
Her advice makes sense. However, bear in mind there are also many who pay lip service and say things like ‘let’s hang out’, ‘call me’, ‘we should do xyz’ but don’t mean it. It can be confusing and disappointing.
With experience you can detect these situations/people quickly and not waste your energy.
Yes, this was my story. The lip service.
Appreciate you watching!
I agree. No matter how smart and “healed“ you are, there’s no way to tell that that is a lie until it is too late.
@@stariadreamtea they tell women/victims/good people that unless we are extremely clear about our intentions, it’s our fault if we get mis read, but they don’t tell that to people who lead us on. You don’t hear “why did you tell her you liked her haircut?“ “Why did you tell her it would be fun to meet up?“ You only hear those things asked towards the victim
Some people are just busy and/or not good friendship material for you. If you are a natural giver do give to the homeless shelters and charities. It is very satisfying and you are connecting in a way that serves many.
I used to be like this. Everything changed the day I sift all the attention to myself and started loving myself, yes it was selfish, but now my relationships are much much better, people seem to value me more.
I'm so glad to hear that!
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Thank you 💕 love your videos
Yessss Sisi! I love to hear it! There’s hope for me, yet! 💁🏻♀️✨😉🙏🏼
@@auroraborealis13579. There’s hope for all of us, we can change it just takes work. Working on ourselves, I love watching Anna, she nailed this one for me.
I think it needs to be said that people who ghost, cannot give a straight answer to a straight question, or who will not give any leeway to someone who may be trying a bit too hard but is fundamentally a good person… THOSE people aren’t healthy either: they are also damaged and lack basic social skills and human empathy. I don’t think we always deserve to be pathologized for bad situations that were CO-CREATED or are actually the other persons fault!
I agree. I really do not like counselors and new age and therapists and all that nonsense who claimed that being “clingy“ is the problem. Also, how do they even define clingy? How committed do you have to be before it becomes too much? Shouldn’t a person want to be committed if they are in a relationship? Why would I take up with someone in the first place unless I was really interested in them?
Interesting, if a man is NOT that interested in you, you are chastised for still accepting him And assuming he will make a good partner, even though “he’s just not that into you.”
I guess all these things really mean is “no no no, silly girl! Men are allowed to be wild about you, but you shouldn’t be wild about them in return.”
I guess the relationship is only for men to enjoy, so if women are too enthusiastic about it, something is wrong.
The thing is, I’ve seen people who are clingy and have terrible boundaries and poor social skills all in friendships and relationships.
Sometimes it feels like every idiot, bore, shallow, awkward, avoidant, insecure, messed up person on earth has a social circle and a romantic partner. But I, with all my desirable qualities and self awareness, and all the work I’ve done in therapy, I’m ignored and taken for granted repeatedly in my relationships.
I’d really love to know how this imbalance comes about. It’s like there are two different sets of rules in play.
@@alisonschmitt9533 I know. I find it weird too, and I’ve noticed that as well. A lot of people complain to me about that
@@alisonschmitt9533 I don’t know the exact details, but it almost feels like something very evil has gotten into the world, that the social, political, economic, and cultural systems are all moving toward a very unhealthy way of being, exactly the opposite of what is good. And so, people who don’t deserve things get them, and people who do, don’t.
Very true!
I mean this in the most respectable way, Anna: You're brutal. You say what the person may not want to hear but NEEDS to hear. You made me realize I need a therapist who won't validate me constantly or coddle me. I need the hard truth. Thank you for your honesty in all your videos.
From my own experience, what makes it easier to accept someone being blunt with you, is that is is being said from a point of authenticity. I am saying that because my therapist who I can accept because like Anna she went through trauma and healing herself. I don't need people who are good at theory or people who haven't gone down this long, painful road of healing themselves.
About 15 years ago, I realized that if I wanted to talk to or see any of my family and most of my "friends," I had to contact them first. I decided to stop chasing people who clearly didn't care. My life has been a lot quieter, and less drama filled. Maybe part of the problem is that I attract narcissists because I have a soft heart, which led to having a soft head. After some bad long-term situations, I no longer have such a soft head, and I'm cynical about people's hard luck stories because most of them either turn out to be their own fault, or they're outright lies.
Like Anna says, "we attract mosquitos but we don't marry them". With healing we don't worry about who we attract, we won't be attracted back if they're not good for us.
-Cara@TeamFairy
Amen sister. You speak the truth. My family, my daughter and grandkids, my dog and cat, are the only people I'll ever believe truly have good intentions. I've been burnt by nearly everybody. I know it was me. I had no boundaries and when they would do something awful, i'd apologize and give gifts. WTF?? I realized, I'm no good at it, or maybe I did something in a former life. I always felt like an outsider observing humans since childhood. Not understanding why they were cruel to one another as a default .
Mom was a neglectful narcissist. She was crazy too. She really couldn't help herself. I took care of her for 8years, 5 bedridden, Alzheimer's, unable to talk or move bc hospice broken her back and refused to do anything about it, denying it happened. Refusing to even give her an x-ray. If you take them to the ER or a doctor, they cut you off of hospice. Ok couldn't afford her diapers and supplies and I needed their help. So she went from walking to bedridden, suffering in excruciating pain bc some idiot didn't write a report, they didn't want to get fired. I think she was in an unlocked wheelchair and tried to stand and it rolled back. Her tailbone was visibly crooked. They said sometimes they walk one day, the next they don't. I felt so sorry for her. She was like an infant in a broken body.
This is typical of the human experience. Someone covers up their neglect, damaging another, yet denying culpability. And they have to just eat it bc they don't have the power or the money to do anything about it.. That has been my life experience summed up in a nutshell. Abuse is human. You should see what we do to pigs, laying back to back, feet to stomach, unable to move for years, the suffering, the horror...all bc we like bacon. I really think the whole human race is a dead end evolutionly. But I'll smile and pretend and hope when I die I can escape this planet...no, not the planet, I love Earth. Escape humans. A virus on this planet, eating through everything bc of a books written 4000 years ago by masochistic narcissist that claimed they spoke for god.. What is wrong with people still hanging on to the words of people having a manic episodes?? Ughh... Sorry, I'm a downer. There's so much wrong and so many fighting against fixing it. Smh. Humans.... we are seriously screwed up.
How is it that the name of the game is where to lay blame,I am in a struggle for my life! Literally,so who's fault? Mine,mine,mine now can I be loved enough to see and truly have love of my family in my life ?
@@danaspielbusch4610 the hardest lesson I'm facing right now is that you shouldn't lay blame on anyone. Most of the damage we humans cause each other (you've damaged people too) are accidents, in one way or another. Either you accidentally let someone hurt you or they accidentally hurt you. Either way, forgiveness to let ourselves heal is necessary. Learn from the accidents you've encountered, don't dwell on them for longer than you need to. It's important to allow yourself time to process and recover from these accidents, but "blame" need not always have a face.
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy sorry, but, appropriate for a channel with “fairy“ in the title, that is a total fairytale. Is entirely possible to be attracted to somebody who is not good for you, because they hide who they are.
"We feel uncomfortable when people show up.". This is remarkably true.
Yes!! Its me .. I'm getting a lot from this channel .
Speaking the truth in love: This is why this woman is amazing!
That's sweet, thank you so much!
I agree. I believe that is GODS DESIRE TO WATCH HIS CHILDREN SHARE ALL TRUTH IN LOVE. For years, I didn't believe it possible. Then I noticed ability for short moments, from several sources. Then......
I spend too many hours watching her take very ugly truth- by the neck, only touching where necessary---gently putting it in the same bag of love--then carefully laying that bag at the owners feet.
Ive thanked my GOD for finding you many times. I admire your willingness to share your truth far and wide. I convinced heaven has given you a spiritual super power for never ending bags of love and wisdom needed for valid delivery.
@@tammykendrick7521 1 c c v ll0
Aaa
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy sending thoughts and prayers of appreciation and love to you Anna and the Fairy Team! From Buffalo ❤
I almost think that sometimes we are attracted to avoidant people as it's so embarrassing when people ask about your family and so on. It's much easier if they aren't interested in knowing anything personal about you.
Great point!
MAJOR POINT! my anxiety spikes waaaay too high when someone new seems too interested and asks a lot of personal questions about me.. I tend to give surface answers just to get by without seeming crazy, but I will eventually pull away and shut down before having to go too deep.. meanwhile, I'm longing for the person who couldn't care less and ghosted me.. childhood screwed me in so many ways I never even imagined 🥴
Omg, thats so true!
@@KishBish I think asking too many questions is a red flag. You do not have to be an open book and tell everyone your deepest darkest wounds, etc... especially from the get-go. I think having some common ground, like a shared hobby, interest, or activity and conversing about that and things more in general is healthier. I just made a friend and we went to some antique shops and had some very pleasant conversations about the things we saw. Through those conversations, you get a picture of the person's values and sense of humor. She knows nothing of my childhood at this point... good or bad.
@@hanginlaundry360 I totally agree with you, and that's pretty much how I operate.. if you try to know too much too soon, you won't be knowing me at all..
Never ever and I mean … EVER … chase up for a reply to a message online dating. Bite your lip - ensnare your fingertips.
Don’t don’t don’t !! 😘😘
Just love you Anna ☺️ x
What do you mean by "chase up"?
Appreciate you!
I mean, that’s not always true. Sometimes people have ADHD, sometimes people do not respond back as often as you do, not because they are not interested, because their level of communication is different. What they consider “a lot“ may be different than what you do.
Also, I’m not sure how we are supposed to simultaneously consider ourselves clingy for messaging “too much“ but never ever accept somebody who messages “too little.“
@@oneofthosecreativetypes24 If you’ve messaged them and they don’t reply ( especially if you can see they have been online since you sent the last message to them. Do not send another message ( a chase up message ). They’ve read it … they’ve chosen not to reply to you.
@@blackswan4486 one message each way at a time I think until a meet up. Especially if a couple of days have gone by and you’ve had no response to your previous message.
This has been the story of my life. People just stay away from me, bc they sense something isnt right. My neediness and clingyness drives people away from me. I'm learning to live with being alone.
We can really help with that and with the loneliness. CCF has an awesome & supportive membership community bit.ly/2rukHvh
-Cara@TeamFairy
We would never seem too "needy" to someone that is into us. There is nothing "wrong" with you.
The word needy is way overused.
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy So expensive on my fixed social security income. I’m just using your free stuff.
@Manny Cracker if we were meant to be by ourselves we wouldn't need each other to procreate. We would be like seahorses.
We are biologically wired to form pair bonds for solid family structures.
I'm not talking about being desperate. I'm talking about any little requirement for genuine connection being seen as *needy*. You come off needy to anyone when somebody can't even meet general basic connection requirements. If somebody thinks that courtesy and connection is *needy* then they should definitely steer clear of people that have the capacity to give of themselves in meaningful ways. We are social animals and I'm tired of everybody saying just learn to be by yourself. We all need time to ourselves but we're not supposed to be alone 24/7. When you are in a relationship you are wanting to ADD something positive to somebody else's life. That's the opposite of neediness.
@@lisahinton9682 why does everything have to cost money, right?!
Oh, how painful it can be when you hold up a mirror for me to see myself more clearly.😊 Thank you so much for saying the things that no one else will say to us. I think that people sense that we are in some ways delicate or fragile and therefore they do have to ghost us because they don't want to feel responsible for us being devastated again. I think we have some incredible strength in our personalities from being neglected. We had to validate ourselves and pull ourselves along. But, if our own parents didn't seem to see anything special in us then it opens old wounds when someone else seems to not think that there is something worth spending time to get to know us. Sometimes, I feel like the strongest weakest person I ever met. Thank you for all that you do. Sincerely, Carly
I know EXACTLY what you mean by sometimes feeling like the strongest weakest person I ever met.
Thanks for joining the conversation Carly!
I love that I can read comments like this and finally see what I've questioned about myself for 60+ years. This certainly helps to know that I'm not crazy and I'm not alone.
@@ldoxey134 The irony is that people like me are looking for people like you. We are very sensitive to people's feelings and we try hard not to hurt another person. We also easily see the beauty and talents of other people. I love talking to people more than anything else. They have so much to teach me and to tell me. I just turned 58 and I became a widow when I was 56. My husband was my only and best friend. I never felt like I lacked for anything. He passed away on his birthday right after I hugged him and kissed him and said happy birthday, honey. That was almost 2 years ago and I can't find a friend. I know when I'm being to overeager or coming across as needy. Sometimes it takes a very special person like the crappy childhood fairy to hold that mirror up to us. She is a gift. I learned a lot in this video. You can't make someone want to talk to you. I fell in love with my husband the day that I met him. It was his words and his intelligence and how he was able to fool me into thinking he was kind of dim. The minute I said well, thanks for talking to me, he stopped me and said, Carly I understood every word you said. 😊 He tricked an empath and that doesn't happen very often. I miss not being lonely. I'm glad I read your post because now I don't feel quite as alone because you're a real person and we are feeling the same things. Sincerely, Carly
@@stariadreamtea Close. INFJ 😊 Good with words but, meet me in person and I'll either make an excuse and run away or I'll just start talking frantically and not even hear myself talking. That's why I always look around the room and approach the person who is all alone in the corner. I know I'm going to be comfortable talking to that person. :-)
I appreciate this, and I also have issue with the idea that someone devaluing us based on our own trauma is ok. To me, framing it that way can make those recovering from cPTSD internalize even further that there’s something “wrong” with us or that we deserve this treatment (and no one does). Just because I see someone has low self esteem, etc. does not mean that I will harm them/mistreat them, and that certainly (to me) says more about me than the other person. I do my best to treat people kindly and with respect because that is who I am. Sniffing out vulnerability/taking advantage of someone’s vulnerability and treating someone poorly because they’ll let you is predatory behavior, not justifiable, and that doesn’t change that those of us with cPTSD can learn new skills and boundaries around allowing it. Both can be true.
Appreciate your insight, 100% agree CPTSD don't deserve to be treated poorly. Anna wants to emphasize that we can't ever expect anyone else to change themselves, we just keep working on our own healing and we'll be empowered to get out of the trap of needing validation from the people who we don't really need in our lives at all :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy but… That literally is asking the person to change themselves
“What happened to you is not your fault. But, it is your responsibility.”……. 🙏🏼🧡
I love this comment. I had the same issue with the framing. I am glad you brought it up. Yes, people who treat someone poorly b/c they'll let you are predatory. 100%
For the longest time I didn't reciprocate in friendships because I had such a fear of rejection that I couldn't even ask people to hang out. Plus low self-esteem, being excluded, thinking everyone hated me. And so on.
I can relate! I used to be constantly plagued by fear people only suggested hanging out with me because they were polite and didn't really mean it 💜
Me too! Daily Practice link if you haven't already visited bit.ly/3608opl
-Cara@TeamFairy
I think this could be applied to so many relationships. In work relationships I think I've sometimes been over giving, then turned resentful when my overachieving wasn't celebrated. Clear and subtle analysis, thanks!
Great insight!
I have that problem too. Recently I spent 6 months temping at a factory, hoping to get a permanent job. It was supposed to be 5 shifts a week but in fact the agency called me when they needed somebody, so it was a 0-hour contract. Over 23 weeks I got 45 shifts only... The managers asked me if I was interested in a permanent job after I'd been there 3 months, and made fill a form to apply for a permanent job. They then sent the form to HR, but I never heard from them, despite the managers chasing them multiple times. We worked night shifts, so we couldn't just walk to the office to talk to HR, they were home sleeping! I am living with cancer and am in my late 40s, I think it's the main reason why HR wouldn't consider me for a job. Eventually the agency told me there was too no work for me and I should look for work elsewhere. The managers who had been so friendly up to then just ghosted me. I wasn't enthusiastic about being 'friends' with people on social media to begin with, now I am even more cynical about the whole thing.
My goodness, Anna, the way you are able to fully acknowledge the people who write in to you is such a loving act to see. And your example of being able to "show up" for someone without taking over their stuff is a very important behavior to witness. Thank you for being such an example for me.
Thank you very much!
For real, such a valuable resource in her channel
This was such a great video. I feel for Rose and I went through that pretty much my whole life with friends. I'd do so much for them and not get anything back.
Now it's been 5 years and I have a few people I keep in touch with and I just show up and if their not on board to do things then I'm glad to go myself.
It takes time to get there. I hope Rose sees the value in herself which is most important.
Great insight!
Right now, I'm in that awkward transition phase where I'm trying to figure out the balance between clinginess and cold distance. Cold distance is a lot less embarrassing, but a bit lonely, aye?
That's exactly it :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
same. currently im experimenting with going to random social events alone to take my mind off of being lonely
Wow, this is interesting. Once or twice I’ve been on the other end of this. Had a friend who became angry, accusing me of not valuing the friendship, guilting me at every turn, for example, she showed up at my job while I was about to have a lunch meeting with my staff. This behavior made me want to actually avoid them, when I didn’t before. During the friendship there was no convincing her that I valued her and she actually became so triggered that she sent me 50 texts in on sitting about how I wasn’t bothering to reply. 🤦🏻♀️
I felt bad but looking back on the friendship, nothing I ever did was enough to make her feel loved and appreciated or anything. I did a lot, but not in the exact same manner that she wanted, and on a couple of occasions admit that did cancel plans because I didn’t really want to hang out with her because it felt like I was having to prove my love and friendship. The friendship ended. Sad and unnecessary.
Good one: "There's no revenge like success. "
Love that, and its so true, and it doesn't hurt others, only benefits you.
Well said!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Thank you
Wow... I feel like such a loser because the person described here is me. It feels overwhelming and damn near impossible to get out of. I want to be loved and not have to beg people to do it. We are the most worthy people of love and so many people don't understand that just a little bit goes so far. We are so understanding of them, though. I need to check your courses. I know it sounds dumb and childish, but my deepest sentiment is just that "it's not fair." Why can't other people just understand that just need love, too?!?
Being in a like-minded group can help with this a LOT. Check out our membership plan, it gives access to all seven courses as well as mini coaching zoom calls where you can interact with Anna as well as a private Facebook group with peer support and more events. bit.ly/2rukHvh
-Cara@TeamFairy
I just wanna say thank you, to Anna and all of you for sharing. I'm a definite love addict, when being ignored and an avoidant when being "chased" or maybe just treated normal. So I'm grateful to find all of you. Wanted to add, I over text, say too much when I "shouldn't" or when I'm being ghosted. But sometimes that's just what I have to do. It might be sabotage because it's totally unhealthy. But I'm not ashamed because I'm just getting it out and it helps me let go off the unhealthy. And if it's not an unhealthy situation or if it's a workable relationship, it can open communication. As I'm not the best communicator and relationships either!! Alternately, it can be quick to scare people off even more and close the door that needed to be closed and that's not an awful thing either at least to get it out! So don't be ashamed if you text too much. I'm not advising it I'm just saying.
Great advice. Reminds me of the great book "He's just not that into you." I don't respond to everyone who emails, texts or even calls me, but I DO respond right away to someone I'm interested in. If someone I barely know does t respond to me, I don't take it personally and just move on. Pretty simple stuff, as men will move mountains to get a lady's attention that he IS interested in. 😉
*doesn't respond to me, I don't take it personally and just move on. Typo
This conversation is so helpful for me to understand how my CPTSD story shapes my relationships. I met a woman friend in my town and we happened to both originally come from the same area on the opposite coast, so it felt like we spoke the same language. We laughed a lot when we got together a few times, and emailed fairly regularly. Then she started pulling away, and I didn’t know why. It was a puzzle I needed to solve. Still bothers me. She ended up moving away and while preparing to move she’d tell me (via email) she was going to update me on her trip across the country, and ask for recommendations from me about places to go when she got there. I never heard from her again. I waited about six months and emailed her, wishing her well while still wondering why our friendship went awry. It’s still something unresolved in me, a ghosting, and frankly something I wish had lasted. It occurred to me while listening to this that perhaps she too may have CPTSD. Part of me just wanted to know if I did something wrong.
I can relate so much to Rose and I think Anna is totally right: the bargain was non existent. It was only in our head, and we feel resentment at some point. Not our fault, but we need to heal. Big hug to you!
Ally, you never have to send a message like that to people that don't want to be with you. If they are interested they will message you. No need to ask if they are ok. I did that too. Just makes you feel bad after.
A LOT of men simply want women for sex.....then when they get what they want BOOM they disappear. That's why it's important to hold of sexual interaction until you really get to know them.
It's NOT always due to us and our CPTSD.
There's a massive amount of men out there that DON'T want a relationship. They will lie to get what they want.
That’s actually unconsented sex. If all they want is sex, they can find someone on Tinder.
And the men that actually want a real thing, women avoid them.
@@genxx2724 rape culture
Friends, as painful as it is to accept, the vast majority of ghosters are “just not that into you.” They don’t want to experience the negative emotions associated with hurting your feelings. If they don’t text back, just let go. If they come back, consider if you want someone in your life like that
Honesty and reality, yeah baby! Really needed to see this and remind myself.
Ugh yes this is my life, I some how managed to have an 11 year long relationship with my bf and I have a few people I talk to but relationships are difficult because I was ignored a lot when I was younger so I developed a need to fill the void but obviously now it all makes sense I was way to clingy.
Reassuring when we realize we aren't all alone with this :)
Id be honest and say that I ghost people. I am put off by clingy behavior. I wont immediately ignore someone. I will set my boundaries and say I am not comfortable but if you keep on ignoring my boundaries or if anyone has betrayed me in anyway, I prefer to cut off all communication. I might forgive but I have already marked them and unfortunately, I only trust once and never again. Reconciliation to me is not synonymous with forgiveness. Hence, I dont see the point of the relationship if I know it's not healthy.
I really REALLY needed this in 1993... :-) :-) :-)
Me in 94 !😕
Lol - me in 1963!
Me in 2012, 2017 and 2018! 🤪
:)
@@AFAskygoddess Tehe :) Just making my last ditch effort to overcome these challenges before going to the other side. I don't want to die with no relationships with my sisters or to repeat this next time around, lol
Emotional spackle is the besttt phrase 😂 love it and 100% true
These behaviours must be what people mean when they say someone tried too hard in a relationship. But it feels like the other person didn't try much. To me, it indicates a mismatch. I've begged as in that first letter when I was young, but was blessed in marrying a man who loves to please me in return and we've been committed to each other for 32 years now. Though my mother never accepted me and I let people take advantage of me at times, I see more clearly now what happened and don't feel responsible for their bad behaviour any more
Appreciate you sharing with us
-Cara@TeamFairy
'My mother would lock me in the room to do activities with my cousins that she didn't want me to be a part of'. My mother used to take off with my half brother, sometimes just a day in Paris, shopping and visiting museums, sometimes several days at a time, sightseeing etc. Her argument was always that I didn't deserve it. So I stayed at home and did the housework... except when I was in kindergarten, when she would tie me up to a chair (a bit like Genie...), for her one day trips. Previously, she had just locked me inside the house, but I had waved to neighbours through the window, as I was bored, and the neighbours had questioned why my mother was leaving a 4 year old home alone... Of course, while I was tied up to the chair, sometimes, my bladder would fill up, and I would end up urinating on myself and the floor... and when my mother got home, there would be Hell to pay.
This feels a bit distressing as someone with cptsd and attachment issues, but not a clingy person, and who has experienced awful ghosting. We dated for 7 months, he brought up marriage and kids after 4 or 5 months, rsvped as my plus-one to a friend's 30th, and the next day fell off the earth. It broke me, destroyed my self esteem far worse than the end of my prior ten year relationship.
I'm trying to step back and balance this as me being the wrong audience for this particular video, but hearing cptsd with attachment issues as causing others to behave abhorrently is difficult. They choose to act badly. They can communicate if they aren't comfortable with the way things are going.
Thankfully I'm now in a better place and found a lovely guy willing to give me the space to work through my traumas, and he's been patient and supportive, it's been almost two years :)
Not meaning to be negatively critical, just my thoughts x
I one hundred percent agree with you. If people keep assuming that they are “clingy“, they don’t yet have the self-esteem that they are supposed to develop. Letting other people tell you what you are, especially when accusing someone of clingy is something that very very detached and irresponsible people will do to people even when they don’t fit the definition, is what keeps getting victims in these situations.
@@blackswan4486 Thank you for taking the time to reply, I wasn't sure how my comment would be received so it means a lot!
@@thisiscait it’s not your fault. I mean, you got attached that quickly, and some safe people do. I’m not saying it’s always a good idea to take the plunge that quickly, but it is possible to do so without being a bad person, so, while it is a wiser strategy to withhold for a while, it’s not true that you “should’ve known“ he was bad because he was interested so quickly.
But what I’ve noticed is that the women on my support group I manage, it’s not so much that their boyfriends fall very quickly, so much is that they are the ones driving and pushing their relationship along. That is where I think the problem is.
@Caitlin I hear you, the "ghosters" are not the good guys :). The letter writer knew she had a problem which is why she wrote Anna, so the focus was on her (the letter writer) . She can't work on the ghoster...we want to encourage our letter writer to do the work so that she isn't in the same situation over and over. It's the CCF refrain: we can only heal ourselves :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Thank you for the clarification, appreciate it!
Clingy? I’m so clingy that my 🐱, feels smothered.
I cling to anything that moves
haha
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy you are a smart lady. You are a smooth talker for sure. My mom took off and I raised myself so I'm guilty as charged. Neediness is so hard to beat but I'll never give up
Haha! Same. Had to get another cat because resident cat needed ‘space’. Now they share the love! 😻
I'm guilty of the two things ( reaching out, overgiving) I haven't seen anything wrong with it until I've watched this video. If someone did it to me I would probably feel awkward and uncomfortable. Thank you Anna it really helped me to understand my own behaviour. 😊
I’ve been in the first situation, more specifically ones where the person said I could ask for reassurance as needed, then we’d make vague plans and they’d disappear. They’d come back and I’d say hey, some reassurance or communication would’ve been nice. Another thing is when I tell people they can tell me if I’m clinging too much or doing something wrong and they do so by lashing out later on. I’ve learned to reassure myself and not always assume the worst but also recognize when people are pulling away or not interested. People not being honest actually hurts my feelings. But I’ve learned most people don’t like when you say hey I understand what I did wrong but here’s what you did that hurt me. I’m learning most people don’t have that emotional dexterity and I can’t make them. I’m a much different person now and I don’t over give. I try to be reciprocal and not do more than my fair share. Another component that I can’t because change tho, is myself disability. People rarely treat me equally or give me the communication and clarity I crave. I’ve learned to just say my piece for me and walk away as necessary.
Thanks for your comments and perspective :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
i love your videos but this is a tricky one. ghosting is a hurtful, immature, anti-social act that became a widely spread phenomenon, thats one thing. the other thing is that people need people, point blank. not every need is needy. not every emotion portrayed is a sign of lack of self control. we need people and we have feelings and we cant regulate at all times. awareness is key of course but the human experience isnt perfect and sometimes people react..inspite of good intentions
Not every need is needy❣
Mostly agree.
Yet, some people are just ghosters. They get off of that. It happened to me a couple of times with two guys, and twice with friends of years.
Later found out why these folks ghosted, and had nothing to do with anything I did or said. They were just insecure/envious cowardly low frequency petty narcs.
Just don’t bother with anyone , sorted .
Love your lessons thanks
If only :) but we are tribal people and usually happiest when we are part of a community
being on the receiving end of avoidant people is so annoying. And confronting my “problem” of being rejected by my own friends feels like an exercise in self humiliation and self deprivation just as much as the rejection does.
Another thing I've learned (the hard way!) with regard to the first letter, asking the guy to let Ally know so she knew where she stood, and that they could talk about it...
The guy may think...why should I provide closure FOR her when I'm not interested and have already moved on? Why is HER closure expected to be MY responsibility? I've learned that the "ghosting" IS the closure, or as much as you're going to get.
And yeah, anyone who causes us to doubt their interest, to question, to HAVE to wonder? No, thank you. WE don't want THEM.
Appreciate your comments, good points!
Ouch, yep. It's hard for us who suffer from trauma to understand what other people do and don't owe us. Strangely enough, ghosters don't OWE us an explanation. They simply don't provide us with that courtesy.
I was sort of not talking to a guy years ago. We worked together, you see. He ended up ghosting me, but not before talking about me to one of our coworkers. I managed to get ghosted by two people for the price of one. Humiliating, to say the least.
He has no right to think that. Besides, ghosting is not closure, especially considering there could be 1 million different reasons for it, including mental illness.
You don’t provide closure for somebody because you feel interest in them, but so they don’t get hurt. You’re not allowed to hurt people because of your level of disinterest in them.
@@dacksonflux excuse me? They absolutely do owe us an explanation. Why do we owe them silence and confusion?
@@blackswan4486 No, they actually don't. In an ideal world, sure. Everyone would sit down and explain all the well thought-out reasons for leaving their now ex-partner. But this is not an ideal world. Some people can't even think clearly enough to work out how they themselves feel, let alone how to explain it to someone they're about to devastate. Some people are cowards and disappear because they can't deal with any of it. Some people stopped caring months earlier but ignored it, so by the time they leave, you and your needs aren't on their radar anymore.
I am one who HATES loose ends or not getting closure. But. I have learned, as I said above, that I cannot expect ANYONE ELSE to provide MY closure. Because sometimes it just doesn't happen, we can't control other people, and life is not ideal.
Thank you, I think I needed to hear this. You've given me a lot to think about, validation, some hard truths, this makes me uncomfortable, which means it's probably important...💜
Probably :)
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy 💜
Ghosters are inconsiderate cowards who often have strong passive aggressive traits, in my opinion. Thanks for the good info on how to improve ourselves.
Maybe. I choose to believe their hearts are just not as open and available. My experience has been that whoever comes into my life usually already has a strong network of family and friends. There's just so much room for someone new and nothing more.
We focus on ourselves :)
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy that’s good, but I think we should also focus on the perpetrator. If we put as much energy into penalizing or ostracizing perpetrators, as a society, as we do into hyper controlling what the victim feels or does in response, we would see progress a lot quicker.
@@Scorchy666 I don’t agree with that at all. Love is infinite.
@@Scorchy666 Even if they're heart is not as open, they can STILL write a brief reason as basic courtesy! Example: "I'm sorry but I just don't have the bandwidth for this relationship."
NO EXCUSE FOR GHOSTING!
Thank you for addressing the "ghosting" issue, which I think has become more and more common in the age of social media. I've only been truly ghosted once by a romantic partner, and yes, I learned that a) he wasn't getting most of my text messages and neither were my mom or friends because my cell phone had corrupt data (according to the cell phone service provider IT). B) I did keep reaching out (for months) and finally had to get a new phone; after that, I was able to reach him. I learned the hard way that sometimes it's true that the other people aren't getting the text messages and not to rely on that for daily communication. My partner never broke up with me but got pretty confused by the weirdly inconsistent messages coming from my phone. Bottom line, he still ghosted. I took the Connection quiz and had "No" to all but one question; I have CPTSD from multiple traumas starting at age 17. I was diagnosed with PTSD in my early 20s in college. I don't know if the clingy behaviors are necessarily true for all people who have CPTSD. I'm very independent and have lived alone most of my adult life, and rarely have had partners. I wasn't clingy with friends. But I am aware of the tendency to give a lot--- I've been the kind of person who gladly took care of other kids my own age in childhood, I have a rescue complex (I rescue or adopt rescue animals) and have noticed a pattern of drawing people who have abandonment issues. I don't have abandonment issues myself (not afraid to be alone for years) but I do notice that my romantic partners tend to be afraid of abandonment.
Being a good, responsible, charitable person is not a complex, and even if you learned to be like that from something negative like abuse, it doesn’t mean the thing itself is abusive. In fact, the issue is not that you are too kind, is that the world is not kind enough. The world needs to change, not you.
@@blackswan4486 thank you for that perspective. I appreciate it.
@@leahs8939 read authors like Shannon Thomas, George Simon, Don Hennessey, Lundy Bancroft, and especially Dr. Jessica Taylor. They could say it much better than I could.
@@blackswan4486 Thank you. I get a lot from Dr. Sharon Blackie's books including If Women Rose Rooted, and in reading contemporary and historic literature.
I have abandonment issues (father left when I was 10) and I don’t mind being alone. Some react by being clingy, others react by isolating. I’m definitely in the latter camp. Look up counter-dependency, the corollary to co-dependency.
I think people should have to pass a mental health test before they can have children.
As a former foster parent I can't tell you how many times I had that thought!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I push people away or they push me away. I’m tired of isolation that abuse caused by my mother, sister, father, family, mother’s family, friends, therapists caused. I even avoid online support group accountability partners when I’m discouraged, belittled, humiliated, scared, traumatized, isolated by, pushed away by, ghosted by one or a few even though many accept me.
That type of avoidance is common; it's very difficult to break out of. I suggest starting with this free mini course bit.ly/3608opl
-Cara@TeamFairy
I'm freeze fawn type according to Pete Walker (what a revelation his book was for me!) and clingy people make me extremly uncomfortable. It's hard for me to form close relationships, especially romantic, but I also find it very hard to maintain healthy boundaries and tell people I'm not interested in the kind of relationship they want.
that is very common with CPTSD, the information and techniques Anna teaches an really help! bit.ly/2rukHvh
-Cara@TeamFairy
You are not responsible for other people’s behavior. If someone ghosts you, it’s because they are hurtful. There’s no reason they can’t say “I need a little space.“ Or, hell, maybe even try to be a friend and bite their lip and see you through it. After all, if you have to go through the agony of losing a friend when you are already lonely, why shouldn’t they have to go through the mild annoyance of having to be supportive for a few extra hours every so often?
Appreciate you chiming in- we are always looking for how we can heal, so we aren't attracted to those that ghost us
-Cara@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy I think part of the attraction is that we don’t see them for what they are. We are told that we are too clingy, so when they are too distant, we see them as neutral and us as aberrant.
I'd rather they even tell me off, at least I will know what went wrong.
@@peeppeeping1389 I know. They owe you that so at least you know it’s not something you’re doing
It may not be because they are "hurtful". It may be a thousand other reasons. The point is, none of them should concern you. You don't really want to be in a relationship with someone who for WHATEVER reason cannot give what you're looking for.
Oh God yeah so embarrassing 😳 🤦 😭 😫 I need to change!!!
Wow. Lots of gold nuggets here. Appreciate the mirror.
This is so helpful for me to hear! 🎶🐤 Recently recognized that I've been choosing emotionally unavailable people because of the unconscious belief that they would have a steadying effect on my emotions, when in truth it just ended up hurting more because there wasn't a real connection, and it really was just me replicating the pain of repeatedly trying to connect with my father who rejected me by favoring my sister
We have a lot of support for those types of feelings 💜
-Cara@TeamFairy
I have 8 days no contact with the guy I was/am obsessed with. I definitely, def-def-definitely knew I didn't want to keep talking to him but I couldn't stop and it was like I passive aggressively was over emotional and it forced him to say never text him again. Ever. And that's what I needed. But whyyyyyyy did I do that?? Like I got scared. I feel like crap for that. I feel terrible for doing that. Ugh. But atleast I haven't texted in 8 days lol ughhh so embarrassing. Sooooooo embarrassing. How can I send you a letter?
Send Anna a letter here: hello@crappychildhoodfairy.com
-Cara@TeamFairy
I used to be a clinging person. I feel this because I had a mother, that although she loved me and did things for me as a mother would. She was emotionally closed off. That is she wasn't emotionally open. Never hugged me or my siblings, never put an encouraging hand on your shoulder as a mother would. Now as an adult, I am in counseling trying to understand why I have become the way I am from a lack of emotional love from my mom.
Sorry you didn't have that kind of mother love. It's not too late to be filled up anyway. I hope you keep reaching for it.
I’m 39 and just starting to realize that I may have ptsd and borderline. I grew up with an abusive step father and an alcoholic mother. I still find myself tensing up if I hear a loud noise or if someone is angry and I really suck at friendships, if I start to feel like they’re detaching from me I’ll destroy the whole friendship and leave. I knew that I had trauma and issues because of how I grew up but never thought ptsd could be involved, this channel is definitely a god send!
GHOSTING = THEY GOT WHAT THEY WANTED. 98% OF THE TIME ITS SEX!!!!
Telling people it's clingy to want to help and show love imo is a form of victim shaming...telling people to change who they are is a form of victim shaming...you don't have to change who you are....you don't have to stop giving....CHANGE WHO YOU CHOOSE TO GIVE TO...you can be exactly who you are once you choose the people that align with who you are...period...
Actually , not really.
Another illuminating letter session. A chance to think about how I’ve been as a friend and who I want to be as a friend. And to know that when I’m ready for dating I’ll have a new tool bag full of skills thanks to what I’m learning thru CCF.
So glad you found us!
After listening to the last part, I have to say that I think CCF is spot on detecting resentment. I too would try too hard to make a friend (exhausting!), and keep them especially in my younger years with girls like in school or the neighborhood,that inevitably I drove each one away. I could never figure out how other girls had these tight knit friendships...and resentment always was the end result but sadness and hurt I felt were stronger so resentment was something I buried with the pain, shame and grief I felt from my own mom's rejection of me. That didn't stop me from continuing to try and get my mom to love me and just made me act desperate in attempts to form basically all or any relationships.
Wow. That makes sense to me now.
Now it's too late...i mean seriously, who wants to be with someone or wait (as you suggest) for someone who has "trust issues"??
And at what point do you tell a new person about childhood trauma??
That's why I stay single...
I have been the clingy one and also the one who got freaked out by others who were too needy/intense. What I found with the latter is I felt very uncomfortable because I realized at some level that they wanted me to fix their self-esteem issues and fill some massive hole inside them, which is too much pressure to put on anyone who wants to genuinely connect with healthy people who can regulate themselves and not just use/be used. If I became distant instead of explaining this it was because I felt like any offer to talk would be taken as a sign I wanted to continue the relationship, especially if that person seemed totally unable to set boundaries. Healthy people don’t want you to grovel and give them gifts and never leave them alone.
This is just how people are now. Social dating is a butterfly thing. People flit from dating app to app. Like kids in a sweet shop. Few people who date are serious. If you're catching the wrong fish, you're fishing in the wrong pond.
I think there is even a dating app with that name LOL
-Cara@TeamFairy
There was a reason I avoided watching this video right away... I knew it would probably be a tough truth to hear. The title alone tapped into my shame that I tend to pretend in not their. Thank You.
Thanks for watching after all, we can help you get rid of that shame.
Why do people ghost? I believe, because we teach our children that showing emotions and saying "no" to people is a bad thing by when we say no to them without explaning why we say no in a language that they can understand.
Especially for men, showing emotions is a weak sign. They don't know how to deal with it, they don't even know how to describe their emotions which are again childhood trauma based, so they become so good at running away from emotions and distract themselves with other things. Also it can be because when they are a child their emotions were looked down on, they were told not to complain, not to cry and deal with emotions on their own, they are projecting what is inside of them. Another one I can think of is that they were hurt when they were told "no" and felt left out (especially in the case of presence of other siblings), they felt rejection which didn't feel good. That's why instead of saying no to you, they don't want to upset you and they distract themselves, because that is what they did in the childhood, they were left to deal with it alone and distract their emotions and after a while they felt fine with those distractions and they think you will fine, too. Well that is how I interpret this as a person who tries to understand herself and people around me.
Thanks for that perspective!
-Cara@TeamFairy
The first girl doesn’t understand that she’s in his rotation, and it’s not here turn yet. When it doesn’t work out with the other girls he thinks are better, he’ll be back. The ghosting was to leave the door open for future fuckery. Whenever a man pulls away, it’s over. He doesn’t like you, or he’d never do anything to lose you. Just learn to ghost back and make it last forever.
I love your videos and insights. Instead of criticizing and or passing judgements or being overly opinionated, you created an environment that feels safe and makes it easier to take some of the hard truth or “ tough love” in and implement. Thank you.
It makes me sad young people my age are experiencing happiness in their relationships and I'm struggling to connect with people and trying to heal from my childhood. It's very discouraging. I want to be young and in love and have friends too, but I hate myself so much because I have so much healing to do and running out of time to be young and happy. And don't say happiness and relationships can come at any age. It's not the same. It's actually a lot worse.
May I just encourage you as a much older person, that you can do a lot of healing in a year....and you need not cloister yourself away in a closet while healing. Best wishes to you!
Your videos are so damn powerful... I think one sentence to sum up all your saying is what we feel is real, and our feelings matter too... They are suppose to be met without much compromise ... And it's not idealistic to expect so...
thanks so much for the supportive comments!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Your welcome! ❤️❤️
Or people who never cared... That could be a reason for being ghosted.
We know there could be a million reasons :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
I always wonder that.....what if I just don’t want to be friends with someone anymore
@@godzillamanstreb524 people evolve and move on if there is something missing for them. We can't take it personally---that is the challenge. We, too, need to move on. It can be difficult but the larger perspective, like eagle vision, sees the whole picture not the trees. Easier said than done. I don't think anyone is fully successful with this at any given time in life. There is always "some that are harder" to let go.
Even a family member can be like that - they just never cared. I didn't use to realise that - I assumed everyone wanted good family relationships.
Omg just the intro alone I knew this was a video I needed to see. So many truths.
I watch your channel every morning as an addition to your daily practice and it always grounds me in the present and allows me to experience life, take others into consideration, rather than react to things as if things are being done to me. Honestly, choosing growth and healing over projecting my traumas is an exhausting process, and at the same time, every time I make the mistake of not taking care of myself, not filling my own resource well, and choosing to project, I always regret it not only because it hurts others, but also because I know better than to do that anymore. I have tools to be able to deal with it, in large part thanks to you--thank you Anna Runkle 💛💛💛💛
I'm so glad to hear that, thank you for your comments and thank you for doing the Daily Practice. The more of out there in the world, the better :)
This is very interesting. I manage my feelings by walking away. I'm not the petulant type. Nobody could have lived my life if they were clingy . That has to be a miserable experience chasing someone who doesn't want you. I'm not so sure what I turned out to be but I'm probably avoidant now. I guess I'll never know after 25 of doing the best I could married to a very unfeeling man.
Lots left to discover about yourself :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Sadly ghosting is also a part of our society now. There’s so many options and different app we use. We find one flaw with someone and decide to stop talking to them so we can move on to the next person.
Agreed, communicating honestly seems to be less appreciated than ever!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Guy blocked me after ghosting, I felt my whole world shatter. Even if I know I don’t want that kind of guy who cannot say straight why not interested anymore. I feel I cannot attach to anybody no more, before I got overly attached. I thought he loved me. I cannot trust anybody says the truth about themselves, especially online.
Very hurtful...sorry you got ghosted.... I hope you do find the few good people left on earth.
Healing from your CPTSD will have you feeling less vulnerable- check us out bit.ly/2rukHvh
-Cara@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Thank you for all you do!♥️ your daily practice technique is very helpful.
Even people who pursue me first end up ghosting me i get so hurt that as soon as they take more than 3 days to respond i just delete them and run. I honestly was being too clingy and responding in more than the neurotypical 2/3 messages lololol
That's the worst part. They pursue me! Then they ghost me lol
@@SS-cd6ie i knowww its like i was trying so hard not to have them run away
This is not you being clingy. This is them targeting you because they can sense that you believe that you are clingy. They sense that you will blame yourself and misinterpret your own actions rather than see them as the problem.
@@blackswan4486 really? If you dont mind can you explain this in more detail ? I think personally i tend to have “soft moments” that i express on purpose so that people dont think im cold. I always felt i was cold in public to protect myself ...
@@hoooyea163 I don’t think the issue is that you are overly kind or clingy. I think the issue is that there are so many more people in society today that are willing to take advantage of normal, healthy people like you. The issue is not that you are bad at avoiding these people, or that you are “attractive” them with your exceedingly strong “hyper empathy”. Is that you have normal empathy, and that since you aren’t an out right asshole, they know it is more easy for them to get away with bad behavior. As they say, vampires do not live among vampires.
I believe that, through talking to you and seeing how you act and even your facial expressions, they can tell that you feel ashamed of what you believe is your “ clinginess” , And recognize that if they are overly distant and run away, you will blame yourself because of how you were taught to do so.
Ouch - this hit home, but I definitely needed to hear these words. Thank you for your insight and channel.
I'm glad you heard what you needed to, thanks for watching
Hmmm not always. People who don’t respond aren’t always okay. I haven’t responded before because I’ve been trying to resist a situation that I actually want to open up to. 🤷🏻♀️
About 20 years ago, I was in my living room and I as thinking about all the men in my life went away. I saw me in the mirror and it hit me at that moment that I'm the one that is choosing men who go away because I didn't feel good enough about myself to find a person who wouldn't leave. That changed my life. I'm single and while it would be wonderful if I met someone, I'm happy with me, where I am, and am going to enjoy my life.
Life is too precious to waste on waiting for something to make you happy. We need to make ourselves happy.
Wonderful outlook!
-Cara@TeamFairy
This channel teaches so much now the Student is ready to Learn - Many Thanks CCF 💛🙏🏻✨
I've watched a number of your videos, and I find them excellent. I have one very close friend that fits your description of someone dealing with CPTSD. Our friendship has had a few ups and downs. Most of the time, the downs have been caused by his impossible expectations. His definition of friendship is that they are either "all in" or "all out". Anytime I or one of his other failed friendships don't meet his expectations, the problem is always us being bad friends. He considers ANY talk about him (good, bad or indifferent) to be a MAJOR violation. Most of his friendships have failed because he ran away from good people who may have said something about him, and he finds out about it.
Anyway, I give you some of this background because I'm curious if you've done any videos for those of us in relationships and friendships with those suffering from CPTSD. It seems like the only way to keep the peace and friendship sustained is to cater to his excessive friendship expectations. I have tried tempering his expectations while still being the friend to him that I am with all most closest friends, but that only seems to piss him off even more. We are now at the point where we don't communicate. Each of my communications have been met with coldness. My attempts to get together with him have only been met with a belated "rain check". Our last communication was to wish him "happy birthday" which was met with "thanks, god bless".
These friendships are at a stalemate. Either I get suffocated with his friendship expectations or I get iced out. Any advice for how to deal with him? Any chance you will do a video for those of us in these impossible situations?
To request a live response from Anna, please be as specific as possible and email your question to hello@crappychildhoodfairy.com. Type 'Ask the Fairy' in the subject line to indicate you are interested in the question being made into a video.
-Cara@TeamFairy
I think dealing with and knowing CPTSDs would make for a great topic!!!
You seem like a real nice guy. Thanks for hanging in there with your difficult friend and not just kicking him to the curb.
@@hanginlaundry360 The sad news in all this is that my friend ends up abandoning or getting abandoned by all the good people in his life. It seems that the only ones who stay are codependents. Being a recovering codependent, I had to set my own boundaries with him that he perceived as me being a bad friend.
To your point, it would be great to have more videos talking to the friends/family of people with CPTSD. It is often like walking on egg shells which is why I thought he might be borderline, but the more I ready about CPTSD I'm pretty convinced this is the main issue.
@@jamesbow5916 Yeah that's so sad, they get caught in a vortex of crappy relationships/ more disappointment. Have a great day and kudos to your idea!
Your insight is amazing! Thank you, this is what I really needed to hear at this point of the healing journey . Blessings
Thanks very much. Glad you found me!
I have learned this the hard way.. To the point where I don't try for any relationships anymore.....
You may have some personal work to do before your. next relationship
Yes, me too.
I have ended up in a place where I dont long for people anymore, Iam whery happy in isolation
Everyone has heard the adage, "If at the end of your life you can count your friends on one hand, you're lucky.". I'm getting over to the point where I feel lucky with half that.
I appreciate you talking about this so much!!! Thank you!!!
Maybe, if you have trauma, you attract " a situation". You can attract the ghosting type or you can put off a 'normal' person who finally ghosts you. Or both.
We teach people how to treat us. And if we're healthy, we'll be attracting different
people :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
MAYA ANGELO QUOTE I'M STILL SWIMMING IN: "WHEN SOMEONE SHOWS YOU WHO THEY ARE--------BELIEVE THEM--THE FIRST TIME
Even with new friends. Recently I had a woman who phoned me too often at the beginning. I am English and that may add - but I do not need any more friends, and someone who seems needy or lonely (I have done that too for most of my life) makes me run. For me a friendship develops over time with a shared interest - and I mean time. I go to a club or church if I need more company or need to make new friends.
You sound very boundaried and clear ;)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Got to be honest with this one. Yeah maybe he’s not that interested but you are only speaking with the guy and not dating.
How long was it inbetween your messages to him and no response?
At this point he doesn’t really owe you anything and in fairness my best mate leaves me on read for days sometimes cos she’s busy and crap at texting. A few very close people of mine are in all honesty and I go through fits and starts as to texting a lot and sometimes not looking at my phone for days.
I think it could be more complicated than he’s just not that into you.
He could be going through shit, introverted, mind elsewhere. God knows.
That being said if you’ve reached out a few times just sack him off.
People are so bloody busy these days and reticent to be open or even have a phone call or hang out (even as mates) I don’t see the friggin point most times.
Either that or they are constantly on your case and that’s just overwhelming and then you sense that it’s not really about you and about attachment…
We’re all a bunch of red flags. Peace ✌️
What do you do if it s your grown children? I feel I am the person texting, calling ,trying to make plans.....definitely breadcrumb relationship......and it hurts.
I'm definitely an "over giver,"too.....seems to be part of the pattern. The timing of seeing this video was no coincidence...it s brilliant...saving to watch repeatedly.
We work on our personal healing, use the methods described. here and/or take a course, and as you heal the relationships in your life start to heal as well.
-Cara@TeamFairy
My mom left when my little sister was nine. I was maybe 14. God, how I can see the impact in our lives to this day. Even tho we are so close with her now. Oh God. I’ve been binging your videos. Thanks for your work.
I was 16 and my sister 14 when mom walked out and left us😢
@@denisegasparini64 thank you for sharing, I honestly don’t think I’ve ever met a single person who went thru that also ! At least, not knowing. I send you tremendous love. Thank you for sharing .
Your videos are lifesaving! Thank you!
Really glad you like them!
Only nine minutes in and this is the most on-point TH-cam video out of hundreds and hundreds I’ve watched that hit the nail on the head for me regarding the gal who was ghosted and thirsty. So hard to not feel shame when u recognize that in ur self, but I’ve learned self-compassion is where it’s at. TY for this incredible message CCF!
You deserve the self-compassion for sure!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Wow another great video, and all it it makes so much sense as well as pointing out so many of the facets of being needy, dating fails and codependence I see in myself. So grateful for this info ❤️
Oh good! So glad you are connected here!
How do you deal with clingy people as the recipient? I feel smothered and don't know how to create healthy distance when anytime i try to create a little space i get a big guilt trip backlash.
We have the ability to set better boundaries when we have less fear bit.ly/3608opl
-Cara@TeamFairy
So very true. I personally am a, "get stuff done" kind if person and needy people seem to line up behind me. Problem is, I'm busy living my best life and don't want to be anyone else's guiding light. I'm caught between not wanting to be mean to people and not wanting to have a bunch of people clinging on to the life I created for me.
This one was very enlightening !
Thanks for commenting :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Last male of my family name. Mom moved away at 11 . Dad gave me 15 minutes to move out of the home that I was raised in at 16 and he left the state. Rarely introduced to extended family like aunts and uncles. All for being gay. Doing hair for 23 years trained a condensed version of people pleasing. 48 years old now no family no friends. You just described my behavior. Great work CCF. I bombard with compliments and outrageous gift$ . I have won the world’s record for most ghosted. I do unconscious bargaining. That’s it! ❤
Yep. That’s all I need say to answer the question in the headline.
:)
I think you hit the nail on the head at 22:27!
:)
As an INFJ personality type with C-PTSD I'm usually the one who does the ghosting (usually termed "door slam"). Isolation mainly comes from my own choices rather than others rejecting me although I'm sure I haven't been all that likable sometimes.
Thanks for commenting, I hadn't heard "door slam" term before but I get it :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
I’m an INFJ and have C-PTSD! Yo fella 🎉
@@chaz7604 Interesting to be us, eh?