*Take my free Daily Practice course: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice *Join my Membership and access my private online community: bit.ly/CCF-Membership *Visit my website at crappychildhoodfairy.com *Order my new book RE-REGULATED here: bit.ly/3XiLsj2 *Have a question for me to answer on TH-cam? Write me here: bit.ly/CCF_Letters
I’m listening to this and this is me. People see me different then I see myself. I isolate myself on purpose because the feelings of disappointment is so strong. I avoid everything so I don’t fail; yes I fail anyway. Life is so hard. Thank you for making me see it’s not just me.
You aren't alone!! I've found that the more I work on trusting my ability to discern between healthy and toxic behaviors in others and how to manage these things when they occur..the easier it becomes to allow people to get closer. Because ultimately it's an issue of feeling unsafe..what are ways that people can make you feel safe emotionally physically?? What are some boundaries that you can put into place and enforce when you realize that you are feeling unsafe??
You are SO not alone in feeling the way you do! CPTSD is a tough row to hoe. Sometimes it feels like a moment-to-moment challenge, and often with only a little bit of respite. But you are loved. You are so loved, and peace is on the way. 💜
You're in the right place. If you haven't already, you may want to try Anna's free course ‘The Daily Practice’. It is the technique that led to Anna’s own healing, and she uses it to this day. Here’s a link if you’re interested: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice Nika@TeamFairy
everytime i watch your videos im just glad to know there are other people who feel like i feel. being scared to form connections with humans after getting kicked around... i don't know how to start, but through your videos i find things to work on, go to my therapist and tell her and try to work to get a little bit better step by tiny step.
Holy shit. I dont know how to not be like this, ive been trying to change this for so long Especially being drawn to inappropriate and unavailable people. Im always too tired, and i have no idea how to want to hang out with people
What I struggle with is when I don't covertly avoid things, the outcomes don't feel like they're worth the stress. Learning a new skill at work just made my workplace shovel even more of the hardest work on me. Making a new friend led to him getting feelings for me and making me uncomfortable to the point where I had to break off the friendship. High grocery prices + my ADHD hitting my executive function around making and eating food especially hard = fast food looks better in almost every way. I know avoiding these things isn't healthy, but it feels like everything is demanding more and more while I'm already in a deficit and have nothing more to give.
All of this ! And when you do make an effort you can end up with a one sided friendship where they only ask how you are doing when they want to talk about themselves and their problems, it's exhausting. I tend to stick to only making an effort with those that are neurodivergent and recipricate , as they are more likely to be worth it and I don't feel the need to mask as much.
I do understand what you’re saying and relate to it, but in the video she mentions how if we were able to be better regulated we would actually be able to do these things with better boundaries and choices, and therefore avoiding those unwelcome outcomes. I think what we get is what happens if you force yourself to go through with things, even if they are disregulating for you. We get tired, we don’t respect our bodies and feelings, we feel listless. But if we could manage to genuinely connect to ourselves and other people, the feeling that trying is not worth it would go away. Because we would get good results.
Everything Anna says here is so true! I've recognized myself in many signs! And, now that I've taken care of myself for almost 3 years, I've met some wonderful people in the past year, people who show me respect, give me space, show me they love spending time with me... now I just can't deal with the old patterns I used to have and I'm letting go of old relationships who just don't suit me anymore. That's incredible!
10 years ago I bought a house at walking distance from the hospital , so I can always go to and from there on my own. (I have many chronic disease and a handicap, so i'm a regular visistor there)
I was like that and then decided to call a limo company. It was just a 'black car', but being able to get what I needed was amazing. Seniors centres can also point you in the direction of people who provide medical rides- they aren't really a taxi, but just self employed folks who are filling a need. The services are out there.
Ive never felt so seen before! 😂 Oddly, i haven't always been this way. AT ALL. I used to be a social butterfly! Now... I almost feel like I'm just a shell of my self. That's a completely different story. 🙃 Teehee. Love all of these. Thank you for doing what you do. Bless you. 🫶🏻
I'm 14, I have a lot of these. I really want to fix my mental health, or at least make progress by my 15th birthday. Thank you for these videos, and showing me what I need to fix before It became to late. I cut all contact with my Biological mother almost a year ago. As much as I act like I'm okay now, I'm still facing the aftermath.
Dear, you're amazing! Looking for ways to heal, to better your life, to treat yourself with the care and respect you absolutely deserve. Best wishes, young friend-❤
This rings so true for me, especially the ' avoidant' actions. I tried to get up earlier to stop being late to EVERYTHING😩. but i would just add more things to my 'to do' list and still end up being late🤦🏾♀️. What fixed it for me was aiming to show up to appointments 30 minutes early. At first, it was to give myself time to decompress when i arrived. And i WOULD show up early, usually about 10 minutes early. Which was late for me because i was aiming for 30 mins early 😬. But, it was great for fixing my constant lateness. Externally (to others), it looked like my timekeeping was on point😉
This video is about me!!! I am a member at your crappy childhood fairy!!! And cant even start the courses because I am dysregulated af. I used to be so bubbly and joyous and creative before my last relationship with a covert narcissist the same type my father is and lost all my joy. I am not myself anymore. I am overwhelmed by people so much. I am 34 and feel so old!!!😢
Just try once in a while again. There is no need of doing it right away fully. I had technical problems starting it (weird thing with the subcription and so), so I let it for a day, then tried again, made a break at the beginning troubles... but then it worked. And yes, really, here and there it is at the beginning a bit or a bit more stressful. And I even cried at some point. Making breakes is the solution. I made some notes what the important things are and now I don't need the webpage/app anymore.
I can relate to this, sometimes I feel I have given up on people and life. It is very stressful putting yourself out there. Love listen to you. Thank you for sharing with us. x 🥰
You’re not alone💕…It’s very stressful putting yourself out there especially when you do and you start noticing behaviors in the new people that the people actually caused the damage like gossiping and telling you other people’s problems and business. Thank you for sharing your experience. Sending positive thoughts and healing prayers 🤗❤️🩹🙏🏽
I’ve been aware of this for a long time, this is how I’ve always lived my life and I’m 27 now, but since I joined ACA a year and a half ago, things have changed and I’ve slowly become more present and available to those I love - but I have so much more work to do. I can see this though because my friendships have become deeper and more connected. Like women I’ve called my close friends for years but only talked to once in a while, were talking more, and I feel that they feel closer to me (and they’ve expressed that). That feels so good, I never realized I was keeping them at an arms length.
It’s hard doing life without support. I haven’t been avoiding people, it’s just I actually have nobody. I might be able to call around and find someone but it’s easy.
Very relatable. And yet, other than the hospital ride, I literally can't see anything I would get out of being around people. Everyone is so superficial, no one is close to anyone anymore.
I've been stuck in a covert avoidant cycle now for about 3 years. Usually, I'm well known for being quite the social butterfly and I know I have people that are lifelong friends that love me and miss me. I've stayed pushing forward and I'm proud to say I have not stayed in bed or shut down even in my biggest stressed times. Anna, just simply watching your videos and knowing I'm not alone gives me SO MUCH HOPE!! I've got a new pad of paper to start on my daily practice. Healing isn't easy. It's a journey not a destination and I have to give myself grace. Thank you for the detailed examples and kind words.
I feel like crying listening to this , Covert Avoidance is me , it’s been my whole life , I fake it every day , I think I’m engaged with people and life , but I’m not I’m aloof and keep people at a distance , an ex girlfriend even said I was fraud and a coward , it hurt , but she was right , thank you for these videos 🙏
This presupposes that there are warm, safe people everywhere who want to know you, but YOU are the one avoiding or screwing up all the relationships. It takes a long time to determine whether or not another person is safe to open up to. Half-safe people aren't safe.
_Excellent_ point. Just finding people who 1)Are emotionally healthy enough to be safe and 2)Are wanting to find safe people too and 3)Have the _time_ not to make assumptions and mess up the chance to really know someone
~Im starting to do this(retreat emotionally), and it feels good!~Ive always been the one to keep reaching out, spill my heart everywhere, etc., and its exhausting~Now that ive been pulling back, im being appreciated a bit more~Thats not why im doing it, but that feels nice, too!~
4:13 I can give you one more - I dance latin dances. So we gather many people relatively often - parties, lessons, festivals. And I want to make friends but I am so into learning the dances better and better, that I just dance the whole night at parties for example and I don't stop to talk to people, or spend the whole day at lessons at festivals while people from my city take it easier and go for walks in the resort where we stay, sometimes go to the beach, gather in one of the rooms before the party. I am WORKING all the time. In the day - lessons all day, then dinner, then put on make up and all the preparation for the party, dance the whole time at the party and it all start over the next day. Hobbies for people (me too) can be very good reason to avoid getting closer with people. I know it and at the same time I kind of can't stop it
Thank you for sharing your example. I encourage you to try the Daily Practice. It is a great way to process fears and resentment. If you’re interested, you can try it for free here: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice Nika@TeamFairy
Yes, I do that, it feels like it's too late and hopepess. I am 47 and single, between jobs and chronically lonely. I am -or used to be, exceptionally goodlooking, i can even cook, but....nope.
I'm pretty avoidant. But these characteristics remind me of when I was depressed, and also probably in a bipolar state, with emphasis on depression. The "mania" was moreso severe agitation - possibly what is considered "unregulated" here. I'm not depressed now, though still avoidant, and most (or all) of these no longer apply to me. If people have all/most of these symptoms, I just want to point out that they could have severe Depression (or something else?), but not just an avoidant attachment style.
I love Anna so much. These videos have literally saved me from despair. This one in particular I had to listen to multiple times and it felt like the first time in my life someone really understood who I am and what I have been through. I feel so lonely even when I am with people. Thank you so much fairy! You are leaving a legacy of healing and I really hope you know how much collateral good we are all inheriting from you.
Well, there's either avoid and feel alone, or bite the bullet and try to socialise and do the inevitable foot in mouth/awkwardness. As a single person, my worst thing is most of my acquaintances are couples and it is SO awkward meeting for coffee/lunch feeling like you're on the spot, it's too much attention, it feels like a performance. I hereby give up :(
YES and healthy people are too busy with their own life (2-3 jobs, a spouse, a few kids, a house, their old parents, etc) that even a 30minute chat seems like you're pushing them out of their confort zone
100% agree with you, I want to connect with people and the ones I meet seems to want to project their problems on me. I’m not interested and I’d rather be alone than be around people who refuse to do their own emotional work. Churches are bleeding ground for these type of people, hiding in the name of “life group” when there’s no life in it but 💀💀💀 and quite frankly people with bad behavior, hiding behind a mask so called, in the name of Jesus
Amen! 🎯💯 I'm not perfect (who is?) but have done the work & educated myself to heal from past toxicity & learn how to deal with my own issues. I consider myself healthy & mature bc I'm open & willing to communicate, as well as able to accept (or give when asked) constructive criticism, learn/grow, and find solutions or compromise vs argue or agree w/ quiet resentment... So tired of "right fighters" & emotionally unavailable men. I'm surrounded by egocentric toddlers who can't see a pov besides their own. Narcissistics, avoidants, alcoholics, sometimes all 3 combined! WHERE IS my person!!? *Excuse my venting but it's all true. Good luck to everyone out there.
I’m happy to hear I can gradually change the tendency to avoid certain things and habits and behaviors and even social interactions. It’s something I need to work on. I think I’m making progress (I have to be conscious of my avoiding tendency often and push myself to go to situations and people I would rather hide from and not engage with, and sometimes have to be proactive too in approaching people)… but good advice from someone as wise as yourself is always appreciated! ❤✌️
out of topic: started daily practice: phenomenally(!!!) fast positive effect, not only for inner troubles, but also for actual in real life very stressful mega troubles (which I had yesterday and today)... and it's very, very hard to convince me doing a special thing, an exercise, practice or so for mental help (because there is so much weird stuff outside in social media or from gurus or so), so it took me long to say "okay, I try"
We absolutely understand. Daily Practice (a free course) can be a good first step. If you want to go deeper, Anna has a whole course on Healing Childhood PTSD. Free Daily Practice: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice Healing CPTSD course: bit.ly/CCF_HCPTSD Nika@TeamFairy
I'm pretty cut off from my family of origin...I grew up in an alcoholic home, both of my parents are now dead and I'm not close with anyone in my family. I'm an only child, and tend to be pretty independent. I have a disorganized attachment style. Over the holidays, I went back to my hometown and spent Christmas and my birthday with my best friend and her family...they're sort of my surrogate family. I adore them, I was there for a week. My friend and I are very close. However, when I got back home, my friend and I got into a big argument over text and we haven't communicated in almost two weeks. I feel like spending more than a few days with pretty much anyone, no matter how close I am with them (perhaps especially if I'm close with them), causes me to get dysregulated. I keep getting into conflict with my close friends, often to the point where the drop me as a friend altogether. I'm deeply suffering because of this. I desperately want to open up and engage with people and my life in a more wholehearted way, but it feels so completely uncomfortable.
You sound really dysregulated. I get it. I pushed a good friend away this past summer (somewhat intentionally and somewhat unintentionally) at least partially due to getting severely dysregulated and not being aware of it. I am now focused on getting regulated. I use the Daily Practice to get my bearings. It's a free course offered by the Fairy. Click the "more" at the description of the video and it's near the top. Free. And once you've taken the course, you can be on zoom calls with a bunch of us and even ask questions. You are normal to those of us with CPTSD.
Thank you for sharing your experience with us. As @cynthiahoag294 suggested you may like Anna's free course, The Daily Practice: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice. Additionally, Anna has a whole course on connecting with people called ‘Connection Bootcamp’. It can help improve relationships with acquaintances and the people closest to you: bit.ly/CCF_Connection Nika@TeamFairy
Wow...I'm always 5 min late and am in a really unkind marriage...AGAIN...now it makes sense. I've actually taken on more of these symptoms, glaringly, in my current marriage.
We're all rooting for you! If you haven't already, you may want to try Anna's free course ‘The Daily Practice’. It is the technique that led to Anna’s own healing, and she uses it to this day. Here’s a link if you’re interested: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice :) -Calista@TeamFairy
😮😢 hmmm 🤔 I’m definitely doing most of those, grew up with an emotionally unavailable parent and a narcissistic parent who ignored me on an emotional level, so I learnt at an early age to wear a mask and cut off my own emotions as was not noticed within my family… try 40 years of avoidance, don’t trust easily (this one over the last 10 years) I make myself get up and just go through life my defence mechanisms are being sarcastic and blunt so others can have the reason to stay away from me
I remember you mentioning passingly in one of your videos the idea of a “chronic limerent object”in reference to people who have a repeated history of finding themselves in dynamics where others are limerent/unhealthily obsessed with them. I wonder if you’ve made a video discussing that in more detail. I’m so curious to know from an LO’s perspective: what they possess that causes them to keep attracting unwanted obsession from others.
Excellent point! So you can just _overtly_ avoid dating, instead of covertly. Just live your truth consciously: "I'm not interested in dating, so I don't." But *covert* avoidance is different; it has to do with avoiding dysregulation because you dread overstimulation or rejection
I would love to know how much social time is “normal”… I don’t want to feel like I’m not working enough for my goals because of spending time with people😢
14:05 I find this to be the case with just about everyone around me. It's hard not to take it personally sometimes but I do it, too and I do it all the time. I have trauma and maybe PTSD but not everyone in my friend groups do.
I tried doing the daily practice of writing all the things that cause me anger and fear and rest and meditate and pray and my fibromyalgia pain got so much worse after! Is that normal? Does it get better or easier? Thank you 💖
I tried, but failed. I have M.E. so the cognitive aspect and writing aspect was too much for me. My sister suggested cutting it down to 2 mins and 4 mins. But that doesn't give me time to do anything. My next idea is to try sleeping for an hour first. But that then means allowing 3 hours a day to do it twice! And I get all the internal (clutter and chores not done and hours late to bed, consciously frightened to go to bed) and external symptoms (put on expected behaviour but can't connect with folk properly). My family ignored, rejected and didn't 'get' 2 of the 3 things most important in my dreams of the future. At 49, remaining family still don't. I'm TRYING to do MY priorities, so I enter the social circle of folk who DO share at least one of those important things. I really struggle to have strong enough boundaries, and that deters me from taking the social risks. One comment from someone can mess me up for a week and give me intrusive thoughts for a month.
I have this tendency and watching your videos and doing the daily practice has helped me significantly. I have a question. I notice I really dread grocery shopping because I find it so dysregulating. It just clicked that is what is happening when I get home and need to sit in a dark room or take a nap after a shopping trip. I have a big family and this is just part of my job but I wish I knew how to help stay regulated while shopping or how to snap out of it. I don't know if you have an answer to that since it isn't like an interpersonal trigger.
I get it! I feel that way in malls, and used to feel that way in grocery stores -- there, it was the crowds aisles, I'd get so agitated. I think spending money was dysregulating for me too. These days, I can easily afford whatever groceries I need to buy, but I wonder if that's why grocery stores don't bother me anymore...
If you're autistic and think this applies to you, don't be too hard on yourself. Our brains are wired entirely differently, life *is* harder for us, and socialising can be extra challenging.
I don't understand covert avoidance from your video, it seems you are describing introverts. Some people prefer to do things on their own: reading, writing, painting, composing music, being out in nature. IS this trauma ???
From my pov ,, I belive its something more like the habitual resistance which you force into your life but think its a normal and natural part of your personality and the way you live . actually i also had to understand my self and come to terms with my introverted personality , as covert avoidance tricked me to think im 100% life long intovert . After all its only my personal experience ❤
It feels so overwhelming, I try to search for ways to really heal these bad patterns I have but I always end up falling back into them, I don’t know how to stop. It’s very frustrating and sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever get better. I’ve pushed so many people out of my life either because I was afraid to get hurt or I felt like a burden. How do you start to heal from this?
We absolutely understand. Daily Practice (a free course) can be a good first step. If you want to go deeper, Anna has a whole course on Healing Childhood PTSD. Free Daily Practice: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice Healing CPTSD course: bit.ly/CCF_HCPTSD Nika@TeamFairy
We absolutely understand. Daily Practice (a free course) can be a good first step. If you want to go deeper, Anna has a whole course on Healing Childhood PTSD. Free Daily Practice: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice Healing CPTSD course: bit.ly/CCF_HCPTSD Nika@TeamFairy
I have cptsd, but my friends have it too and that is why I think we avoid each others so many times, that's horrible because we need friends and time together😢❤️🩹
*Take my free Daily Practice course: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice
*Join my Membership and access my private online community: bit.ly/CCF-Membership
*Visit my website at crappychildhoodfairy.com
*Order my new book RE-REGULATED here: bit.ly/3XiLsj2
*Have a question for me to answer on TH-cam? Write me here: bit.ly/CCF_Letters
I’m listening to this and this is me. People see me different then I see myself. I isolate myself on purpose because the feelings of disappointment is so strong. I avoid everything so I don’t fail; yes I fail anyway. Life is so hard. Thank you for making me see it’s not just me.
You are not alone , I do the same
@@shanaahhee6406 no there are many like us in all ages believe me . Mothers make narcissistic men !!!
We understand as few others can. You're in the right place and we're all rooting for you :)
-Calista@TeamFairy
You aren't alone!! I've found that the more I work on trusting my ability to discern between healthy and toxic behaviors in others and how to manage these things when they occur..the easier it becomes to allow people to get closer. Because ultimately it's an issue of feeling unsafe..what are ways that people can make you feel safe emotionally physically?? What are some boundaries that you can put into place and enforce when you realize that you are feeling unsafe??
You are SO not alone in feeling the way you do! CPTSD is a tough row to hoe. Sometimes it feels like a moment-to-moment challenge, and often with only a little bit of respite. But you are loved. You are so loved, and peace is on the way. 💜
I can’t believe you are not a therapist. Better than ANYBODY I have ever listened to!
Glad to hear Anna's content is helpful for you! Thank you for sharing :)
Nika@TeamFairy
I don't think people even want to be around me. I feel like I'm doing them a favor by avoiding.
You're in the right place. If you haven't already, you may want to try Anna's free course ‘The Daily Practice’. It is the technique that led to Anna’s own healing, and she uses it to this day. Here’s a link if you’re interested: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice
Nika@TeamFairy
everytime i watch your videos im just glad to know there are other people who feel like i feel. being scared to form connections with humans after getting kicked around... i don't know how to start, but through your videos i find things to work on, go to my therapist and tell her and try to work to get a little bit better step by tiny step.
We're all sending you encouragement :) -Calista@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy 💕🫡
Holy shit. I dont know how to not be like this, ive been trying to change this for so long
Especially being drawn to inappropriate and unavailable people. Im always too tired, and i have no idea how to want to hang out with people
Same here
What I struggle with is when I don't covertly avoid things, the outcomes don't feel like they're worth the stress. Learning a new skill at work just made my workplace shovel even more of the hardest work on me. Making a new friend led to him getting feelings for me and making me uncomfortable to the point where I had to break off the friendship. High grocery prices + my ADHD hitting my executive function around making and eating food especially hard = fast food looks better in almost every way. I know avoiding these things isn't healthy, but it feels like everything is demanding more and more while I'm already in a deficit and have nothing more to give.
Me too all of it !!
these days it’s extra stressful but we have the luxury to choose
All of this ! And when you do make an effort you can end up with a one sided friendship where they only ask how you are doing when they want to talk about themselves and their problems, it's exhausting. I tend to stick to only making an effort with those that are neurodivergent and recipricate , as they are more likely to be worth it and I don't feel the need to mask as much.
I do understand what you’re saying and relate to it, but in the video she mentions how if we were able to be better regulated we would actually be able to do these things with better boundaries and choices, and therefore avoiding those unwelcome outcomes.
I think what we get is what happens if you force yourself to go through with things, even if they are disregulating for you. We get tired, we don’t respect our bodies and feelings, we feel listless.
But if we could manage to genuinely connect to ourselves and other people, the feeling that trying is not worth it would go away. Because we would get good results.
@@Mallowolf it doesn't depend only on you, maybe you don't have good choices around you
Everything Anna says here is so true! I've recognized myself in many signs! And, now that I've taken care of myself for almost 3 years, I've met some wonderful people in the past year, people who show me respect, give me space, show me they love spending time with me... now I just can't deal with the old patterns I used to have and I'm letting go of old relationships who just don't suit me anymore. That's incredible!
You are talking about me…I’m battling 1000🤦♀️ It’s costing me a life of merely surviving not thriving. My world is getting smaller and smaller
I relate to your comment so much.
The part about needing a ride home from hospital hit home. I cancel any tests/procedures that would have me ask anyone for help.
@@pamalatalley7262 please ask for help or take a cab/taxi😘
10 years ago I bought a house at walking distance from the hospital , so I can always go to and from there on my own. (I have many chronic disease and a handicap, so i'm a regular visistor there)
I was like that and then decided to call a limo company. It was just a 'black car', but being able to get what I needed was amazing. Seniors centres can also point you in the direction of people who provide medical rides- they aren't really a taxi, but just self employed folks who are filling a need. The services are out there.
Ive never felt so seen before! 😂 Oddly, i haven't always been this way.
AT ALL.
I used to be a social butterfly! Now... I almost feel like I'm just a shell of my self.
That's a completely different story. 🙃 Teehee.
Love all of these. Thank you for doing what you do.
Bless you. 🫶🏻
What turned you avoidant?
I'm 14, I have a lot of these. I really want to fix my mental health, or at least make progress by my 15th birthday. Thank you for these videos, and showing me what I need to fix before It became to late. I cut all contact with my Biological mother almost a year ago. As much as I act like I'm okay now, I'm still facing the aftermath.
14! You're doing great! I'm 60 and only just learning all this. I'm so pleased for you that you're on this path. You'll smash it. Good luck!
Glad that you are here! We're all rooting for you!
Nika@TeamFairy
Dear, you're amazing! Looking for ways to heal, to better your life, to treat yourself with the care and respect you absolutely deserve. Best wishes, young friend-❤
Awwww baby⭐️🙏🏽🧡😊
Think of it as healing, not fixing. Blessings and mercy on your journey, young one! You're _amazing_
This rings so true for me, especially the ' avoidant' actions. I tried to get up earlier to stop being late to EVERYTHING😩. but i would just add more things to my 'to do' list and still end up being late🤦🏾♀️. What fixed it for me was aiming to show up to appointments 30 minutes early. At first, it was to give myself time to decompress when i arrived. And i WOULD show up early, usually about 10 minutes early. Which was late for me because i was aiming for 30 mins early 😬. But, it was great for fixing my constant lateness. Externally (to others), it looked like my timekeeping was on point😉
This video is about me!!! I am a member at your crappy childhood fairy!!! And cant even start the courses because I am dysregulated af. I used to be so bubbly and joyous and creative before my last relationship with a covert narcissist the same type my father is and lost all my joy. I am not myself anymore. I am overwhelmed by people so much. I am 34 and feel so old!!!😢
@@inacuro9385 ♥️♥️♥️
Just try once in a while again. There is no need of doing it right away fully. I had technical problems starting it (weird thing with the subcription and so), so I let it for a day, then tried again, made a break at the beginning troubles... but then it worked. And yes, really, here and there it is at the beginning a bit or a bit more stressful. And I even cried at some point. Making breakes is the solution.
I made some notes what the important things are and now I don't need the webpage/app anymore.
yeah, better alone
I do relate to this and it’s me too. I hope we can heal all from this ❤
I can relate to this, sometimes I feel I have given up on people and life. It is very stressful putting yourself out there. Love listen to you. Thank you for sharing with us. x 🥰
@@earthmotherdragon4572 same here 😘
You’re not alone💕…It’s very stressful putting yourself out there especially when you do and you start noticing behaviors in the new people that the people actually caused the damage like gossiping and telling you other people’s problems and business. Thank you for sharing your experience. Sending positive thoughts and healing prayers 🤗❤️🩹🙏🏽
Me too!
❤❤❤
@e❤❤❤lisabethwyndaele5912
I’ve been aware of this for a long time, this is how I’ve always lived my life and I’m 27 now, but since I joined ACA a year and a half ago, things have changed and I’ve slowly become more present and available to those I love - but I have so much more work to do. I can see this though because my friendships have become deeper and more connected. Like women I’ve called my close friends for years but only talked to once in a while, were talking more, and I feel that they feel closer to me (and they’ve expressed that). That feels so good, I never realized I was keeping them at an arms length.
Youd be surprised how good you feel if you and a friend who you might know is going through this go hang out with your friend group again. Feels great
It’s hard doing life without support. I haven’t been avoiding people, it’s just I actually have nobody. I might be able to call around and find someone but it’s easy.
You just told me what I've been doing for the last several years. I love the truth!
Glad you're here :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Very relatable. And yet, other than the hospital ride, I literally can't see anything I would get out of being around people. Everyone is so superficial, no one is close to anyone anymore.
I've been stuck in a covert avoidant cycle now for about 3 years. Usually, I'm well known for being quite the social butterfly and I know I have people that are lifelong friends that love me and miss me. I've stayed pushing forward and I'm proud to say I have not stayed in bed or shut down even in my biggest stressed times. Anna, just simply watching your videos and knowing I'm not alone gives me SO MUCH HOPE!! I've got a new pad of paper to start on my daily practice. Healing isn't easy. It's a journey not a destination and I have to give myself grace. Thank you for the detailed examples and kind words.
Glad you are here! Good luck with the Daily Practice!
Nika@TeamFairy
I feel like crying listening to this , Covert Avoidance is me , it’s been my whole life , I fake it every day , I think I’m engaged with people and life , but I’m not I’m aloof and keep people at a distance , an ex girlfriend even said I was fraud and a coward , it hurt , but she was right , thank you for these videos 🙏
This presupposes that there are warm, safe people everywhere who want to know you, but YOU are the one avoiding or screwing up all the relationships. It takes a long time to determine whether or not another person is safe to open up to. Half-safe people aren't safe.
_Excellent_ point. Just finding people who 1)Are emotionally healthy enough to be safe and 2)Are wanting to find safe people too and 3)Have the _time_ not to make assumptions and mess up the chance to really know someone
~Im starting to do this(retreat emotionally), and it feels good!~Ive always been the one to keep reaching out, spill my heart everywhere, etc., and its exhausting~Now that ive been pulling back, im being appreciated a bit more~Thats not why im doing it, but that feels nice, too!~
“I was thinking i wanna get into a relationship but i wanna do it in my own” -theo von
4:13 I can give you one more - I dance latin dances. So we gather many people relatively often - parties, lessons, festivals. And I want to make friends but I am so into learning the dances better and better, that I just dance the whole night at parties for example and I don't stop to talk to people, or spend the whole day at lessons at festivals while people from my city take it easier and go for walks in the resort where we stay, sometimes go to the beach, gather in one of the rooms before the party. I am WORKING all the time. In the day - lessons all day, then dinner, then put on make up and all the preparation for the party, dance the whole time at the party and it all start over the next day. Hobbies for people (me too) can be very good reason to avoid getting closer with people. I know it and at the same time I kind of can't stop it
Thank you for sharing your example. I encourage you to try the Daily Practice. It is a great way to process fears and resentment. If you’re interested, you can try it for free here: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice
Nika@TeamFairy
Yes, I do that, it feels like it's too late and hopepess. I am 47 and single, between jobs and chronically lonely. I am -or used to be, exceptionally goodlooking, i can even cook, but....nope.
Same here, but now Iam 63 and " invisible " at least I feel that way
I'm pretty avoidant. But these characteristics remind me of when I was depressed, and also probably in a bipolar state, with emphasis on depression. The "mania" was moreso severe agitation - possibly what is considered "unregulated" here. I'm not depressed now, though still avoidant, and most (or all) of these no longer apply to me. If people have all/most of these symptoms, I just want to point out that they could have severe Depression (or something else?), but not just an avoidant attachment style.
I love Anna so much. These videos have literally saved me from despair. This one in particular I had to listen to multiple times and it felt like the first time in my life someone really understood who I am and what I have been through. I feel so lonely even when I am with people. Thank you so much fairy! You are leaving a legacy of healing and I really hope you know how much collateral good we are all inheriting from you.
Thank you for your kind words towards Anna. Glad you are here and found Anna's content helpful!
Nika@TeamFairy
Well, there's either avoid and feel alone, or bite the bullet and try to socialise and do the inevitable foot in mouth/awkwardness. As a single person, my worst thing is most of my acquaintances are couples and it is SO awkward meeting for coffee/lunch feeling like you're on the spot, it's too much attention, it feels like a performance. I hereby give up :(
Maybe start by doing things where you can’t speak a lot… like going to a night fair with live show… or to the cinema.. etc
There aren't a lot of regulated and enough healthy people out there, this is also the problem
YES and healthy people are too busy with their own life (2-3 jobs, a spouse, a few kids, a house, their old parents, etc) that even a 30minute chat seems like you're pushing them out of their confort zone
100% agree with you, I want to connect with people and the ones I meet seems to want to project their problems on me. I’m not interested and I’d rather be alone than be around people who refuse to do their own emotional work. Churches are bleeding ground for these type of people, hiding in the name of “life group” when there’s no life in it but 💀💀💀 and quite frankly people with bad behavior, hiding behind a mask so called, in the name of Jesus
Amen! 🎯💯 I'm not perfect (who is?) but have done the work & educated myself to heal from past toxicity & learn how to deal with my own issues. I consider myself healthy & mature bc I'm open & willing to communicate, as well as able to accept (or give when asked) constructive criticism, learn/grow, and find solutions or compromise vs argue or agree w/ quiet resentment... So tired of "right fighters" & emotionally unavailable men. I'm surrounded by egocentric toddlers who can't see a pov besides their own. Narcissistics, avoidants, alcoholics, sometimes all 3 combined! WHERE IS my person!!?
*Excuse my venting but it's all true. Good luck to everyone out there.
~Wow, i thought i was unusual cuz this didnt appeal to what seems to be my needs, but reading the comments, there are a lot of us going through this~
I love how you explain things, Anna ❤ Thank you for all you do. Your work continues to greatly help me.
I’m happy to hear I can gradually change the tendency to avoid certain things and habits and behaviors and even social interactions. It’s something I need to work on. I think I’m making progress (I have to be conscious of my avoiding tendency often and push myself to go to situations and people I would rather hide from and not engage with, and sometimes have to be proactive too in approaching people)… but good advice from someone as wise as yourself is always appreciated! ❤✌️
All I do is sit at home when I’m off and life is just passing me by. I have no friends and no social life.
I only leave the house to go grocery shopping. Intentionally. No family, no real friends. I don't want or need a partner. My cats are my friends.
At least you have your pets. I had to give mine up when I lost my apartment.
@@shelleyharris7912 :(
@@shelleyharris7912😢
great life , we don't need more
@@shelleyharris7912 im so sorry. that is truly awful
out of topic: started daily practice: phenomenally(!!!) fast positive effect, not only for inner troubles, but also for actual in real life very stressful mega troubles (which I had yesterday and today)... and it's very, very hard to convince me doing a special thing, an exercise, practice or so for mental help (because there is so much weird stuff outside in social media or from gurus or so), so it took me long to say "okay, I try"
Wow, we're so happy to hear that! Thanks for sharing :) -Calista@TeamFairy
For me I have enough of the Heartbreak of trying to be intimate with others... I keep people at arms length to avoid further Heartbreak..
This is my ex! Expressed interest w words but essentially avoided going deep with me. I could tell she was even confused by it
This is beautiful and so insightful thank you for posting this
I realize it. I just don't know how to open up and trust people with my emotions.
We absolutely understand. Daily Practice (a free course) can be a good first step. If you want to go deeper, Anna has a whole course on Healing Childhood PTSD.
Free Daily Practice: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice
Healing CPTSD course: bit.ly/CCF_HCPTSD
Nika@TeamFairy
Just got your book on Audible last night. Thank you!
We hope you enjoy it! -Calista@TeamFairy
I'm pretty cut off from my family of origin...I grew up in an alcoholic home, both of my parents are now dead and I'm not close with anyone in my family. I'm an only child, and tend to be pretty independent. I have a disorganized attachment style. Over the holidays, I went back to my hometown and spent Christmas and my birthday with my best friend and her family...they're sort of my surrogate family. I adore them, I was there for a week. My friend and I are very close. However, when I got back home, my friend and I got into a big argument over text and we haven't communicated in almost two weeks.
I feel like spending more than a few days with pretty much anyone, no matter how close I am with them (perhaps especially if I'm close with them), causes me to get dysregulated. I keep getting into conflict with my close friends, often to the point where the drop me as a friend altogether. I'm deeply suffering because of this. I desperately want to open up and engage with people and my life in a more wholehearted way, but it feels so completely uncomfortable.
You sound really dysregulated. I get it. I pushed a good friend away this past summer (somewhat intentionally and somewhat unintentionally) at least partially due to getting severely dysregulated and not being aware of it. I am now focused on getting regulated. I use the Daily Practice to get my bearings. It's a free course offered by the Fairy. Click the "more" at the description of the video and it's near the top. Free. And once you've taken the course, you can be on zoom calls with a bunch of us and even ask questions. You are normal to those of us with CPTSD.
Thank you for sharing your experience with us. As
@cynthiahoag294 suggested you may like Anna's free course, The Daily Practice: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice.
Additionally, Anna has a whole course on connecting with people called ‘Connection Bootcamp’. It can help improve relationships with acquaintances and the people closest to you: bit.ly/CCF_Connection
Nika@TeamFairy
Thank you for calling me out. Every single sign, I do. 15 mins late to everything. It’s annoying.
We understand as few others can. You're in the right place :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Wow...I'm always 5 min late and am in a really unkind marriage...AGAIN...now it makes sense.
I've actually taken on more of these symptoms, glaringly, in my current marriage.
I really enjoyed this video, great content. I also enjoyed this format immensely; so much more digestible to me than the letter reading videos.
Cannot calm myself… yes I am spaced out 😢
Yet? Keep trying. I bet you will get it.
Same here..
You are so perceptive!! So smart.
Thank you Ana!
Perfect timing with this one!!
Ooo I’m struggling with this. I feel so burnt out and I don’t know how to recover from it and pushed beyond this phase of my life.
We're all rooting for you! If you haven't already, you may want to try Anna's free course ‘The Daily Practice’. It is the technique that led to Anna’s own healing, and she uses it to this day. Here’s a link if you’re interested: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice :)
-Calista@TeamFairy
Wow. I do this. All the time.
You're in the right place :) -Calista@TeamFairy
I did it for years because it would be pain and failure at the end of every decision and action I took for so many years
😮😢 hmmm 🤔 I’m definitely doing most of those, grew up with an emotionally unavailable parent and a narcissistic parent who ignored me on an emotional level, so I learnt at an early age to wear a mask and cut off my own emotions as was not noticed within my family… try 40 years of avoidance, don’t trust easily (this one over the last 10 years) I make myself get up and just go through life my defence mechanisms are being sarcastic and blunt so others can have the reason to stay away from me
I remember you mentioning passingly in one of your videos the idea of a “chronic limerent object”in reference to people who have a repeated history of finding themselves in dynamics where others are limerent/unhealthily obsessed with them.
I wonder if you’ve made a video discussing that in more detail. I’m so curious to know from an LO’s perspective: what they possess that causes them to keep attracting unwanted obsession from others.
Thanks! ✨️
Thank you for the mirror 🪞 I do the covert avoidance even with professional help. Woof.
Covert avoidance for the win! 😂😂😮😢😂😂
living without men is peaceful, i don't plan to change it. It's ok to know what's good for you, relationships are not a must for a woman
Excellent point! So you can just _overtly_ avoid dating, instead of covertly. Just live your truth consciously: "I'm not interested in dating, so I don't." But *covert* avoidance is different; it has to do with avoiding dysregulation because you dread overstimulation or rejection
I would love to know how much social time is “normal”… I don’t want to feel like I’m not working enough for my goals because of spending time with people😢
I really wish we could all be together in person. Talk hang out.
Thank you-😊
To avoid covertly is the only socially acceptable way 😅
14:05 I find this to be the case with just about everyone around me. It's hard not to take it personally sometimes but I do it, too and I do it all the time. I have trauma and maybe PTSD but not everyone in my friend groups do.
I don’t leave my house much or visit people anymore and I think it started with covert avoidance.
Thank-you.
Thank you for being a part of our community :) -Calista@TeamFairy
I tried doing the daily practice of writing all the things that cause me anger and fear and rest and meditate and pray and my fibromyalgia pain got so much worse after! Is that normal? Does it get better or easier? Thank you 💖
What you're describing doesn't sound like the Daily Practice. Be sure to take the free course, or read my book, for proper instructions.
I tried, but failed. I have M.E. so the cognitive aspect and writing aspect was too much for me. My sister suggested cutting it down to 2 mins and 4 mins. But that doesn't give me time to do anything. My next idea is to try sleeping for an hour first. But that then means allowing 3 hours a day to do it twice!
And I get all the internal (clutter and chores not done and hours late to bed, consciously frightened to go to bed) and external symptoms (put on expected behaviour but can't connect with folk properly).
My family ignored, rejected and didn't 'get' 2 of the 3 things most important in my dreams of the future. At 49, remaining family still don't.
I'm TRYING to do MY priorities, so I enter the social circle of folk who DO share at least one of those important things.
I really struggle to have strong enough boundaries, and that deters me from taking the social risks. One comment from someone can mess me up for a week and give me intrusive thoughts for a month.
I have this and limerence… it’s so hard for me to be happy and content with my fiancé
I have this tendency and watching your videos and doing the daily practice has helped me significantly. I have a question. I notice I really dread grocery shopping because I find it so dysregulating. It just clicked that is what is happening when I get home and need to sit in a dark room or take a nap after a shopping trip. I have a big family and this is just part of my job but I wish I knew how to help stay regulated while shopping or how to snap out of it. I don't know if you have an answer to that since it isn't like an interpersonal trigger.
I get it! I feel that way in malls, and used to feel that way in grocery stores -- there, it was the crowds aisles, I'd get so agitated. I think spending money was dysregulating for me too. These days, I can easily afford whatever groceries I need to buy, but I wonder if that's why grocery stores don't bother me anymore...
Check for autism just in case
I'm 38 and I find myself wondering what will become of me as I grow older. I can see homelessness and death on the horizon if I don't change.
What is the point of all of this?
omg this is so. me.
thank goodness I joined this program so I can learn better strategies.
If you're autistic and think this applies to you, don't be too hard on yourself. Our brains are wired entirely differently, life *is* harder for us, and socialising can be extra challenging.
I don't understand covert avoidance from your video, it seems you are describing introverts. Some people prefer to do things on their own: reading, writing, painting, composing music, being out in nature. IS this trauma ???
Not if they also CHOOSE a few deep friendships.
The avoidant struggles to be ABLE to choose deep connection.
From my pov ,, I belive its something more like the habitual resistance which you force into your life but think its a normal and natural part of your personality and the way you live . actually i also had to understand my self and come to terms with my introverted personality , as covert avoidance tricked me to think im 100% life long intovert .
After all its only my personal experience ❤
It feels so overwhelming, I try to search for ways to really heal these bad patterns I have but I always end up falling back into them, I don’t know how to stop. It’s very frustrating and sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever get better. I’ve pushed so many people out of my life either because I was afraid to get hurt or I felt like a burden. How do you start to heal from this?
We absolutely understand. Daily Practice (a free course) can be a good first step. If you want to go deeper, Anna has a whole course on Healing Childhood PTSD.
Free Daily Practice: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice
Healing CPTSD course: bit.ly/CCF_HCPTSD
Nika@TeamFairy
Bingo
Anna. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.❤
My goodness i am learning so much about myself! 🙏🏾❤️🔥
Thank you for being a part of our community :) -Calista@TeamFairy
I feel like a lot of these are ADHD symptoms though.
ADHD and CPSTD have similar symptoms.
I am emotionally traumatized and now I can’t focus on studies or develop relationships. What can I do? Anyone
We absolutely understand. Daily Practice (a free course) can be a good first step. If you want to go deeper, Anna has a whole course on Healing Childhood PTSD.
Free Daily Practice: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice
Healing CPTSD course: bit.ly/CCF_HCPTSD
Nika@TeamFairy
❤❤❤
Here it is, I am a covert avoidant.
👆🏻me
I have cptsd, but my friends have it too and that is why I think we avoid each others so many times, that's horrible because we need friends and time together😢❤️🩹