Too Much, Too Soon Ruins Your Chance to Get to Know Someone
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 25 มิ.ย. 2024
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The way people date in our culture is like throwing spaghetti at a wall. It’s driven by attraction, it goes very fast toward sex, and then (especially if you have CPTSD or attachment wounds because of neglect in your childhood) you’re left totally dependent on the person to come through with the Steadfast love and commitment you expected to find you. But it’s actually very rare that real love finds you this way. What trauma may have taken from you is the clarity and discernment to KNOW what kind of a relationship you want, and then to use dating - not spaghetti - to help you find it. In this video I respond to a letter from a woman who has rushed in to relationships and wonders why it doesn't turn to love.
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I just love being on this channel. You never miss ❤
Thank you for being a part of our community :) -Calista@TeamFairy
People are addicted to the honeymoon phase and dating apps are exploiting this addiction.
For real!!!
you said it! well worded
I’m 25. I deleted my dating apps about a year and a half ago, and I’ve already had several better dating experiences. Putting yourself out there while working on yourself is so much better than pretending you are. Even Hinge, which is probably the best dating app, makes it as hard as possible to find the perfect person they find for you. Anything that makes you pay doesn’t really care about love. But the good news is YOU have the power to care about love whenever you’re out there with potential matches. :)
And people conflate the elevated feelings of the honeymoon phase and an initial spark" for being "love." What I've learned is that a spark is probably one of the worst indicators of real compatibility. It may take time to discover whether a person is truly right or wrong for you, and more often than not we aren't willing to give people the benefit of the doubt in the beginning. When a dating app offers a dopamine hit and the promise of "someone even better may be one swipe away", too many choose to bounce at the first sign of discomfort.
@@okitasan I've been unwillingly thrust back into single life as a widow after being with my husband for 17 years. We got together when I was 22 and he was 24 after meeting on MySpace (‼️). A million thoughts flood my brain regularly including the fact that at some point I'll want to reenter the dating scene. It's daunting and sounds horrific based on everything I see and hear. I hope that whenever I'm ready I'll find someone organically.
“Sex is supposed to feel like a promise”, wow, an interesting way to put it. That’s definitely how it feels
I have a question. Why do people still have sex? Sex is very gross, nasty, messy, and disgusting! I don't see how sex is a good thing. Why don't humans just remove sex from this world? Women can still get pregnant without sex (there's a lot of ways women can get pregnant without sex including artificial insemination). Sex is unnecessary.
Reasons I’m not interested in hook ups! My body and mind is sacred!
No it is not a promise it is an activity that a man and a woman does together. The promise is what you are willing to do for your partner.
@@GeotouuotoeG I have a question. How do men and women bond with each other?
@@GeotouuotoeGI think the key words are “feel like.” What something feels like is not necessarily what it is.
Remember, folks, there's no condom for the human heart.
I learned it thé hard way 😢
Hahaha
a latex shirt might be worth a try
I've learned the hard way that there's no better way to ruin any relationship than to rush things
i really need to integrate that but it’s very hard for me to take things slowly.
Me too😢
You can actually rush things when you the meet the right person. To do that you need to become a person of depth, retrospective mind and self-aware. Add to that a couple of vales and principles. That's it you began to filter people that does not have your values very easily and start to connect with the right person. Someone that has the value you seek. That's how you meet your soulmate and connects immediately. And that's the situation whe you can rush it if you want. So first thing be a person of depth,
rushing is Doomsday to Developing Long Term LOVE
Spot on: Friends first, over time.
100% slow and steady for the win! 😊
Disagree, not friends first, or you'll end up with a friend over and over. Potential partners first. Actual partners very gradually.
Sadly, that’s how you end up with many friends and zero romantic relationships 😅
Tbh I was thinking about it and I’m not sure how much that method works anymore either. There have been so many situations where a person finds out that their long time friends were just being friends to get with them. If this method is going to be used then any parties involved have to know about what’s up, I think.
Please know, it is not only younger men who are using dating apps as a form of a call girl service, it is the 50, 60 and yes, even 70 year old crowd too. They don’t even want to wait until the third date. They want sex the FIRST date and literally become angry if you don’t. The sense of entitlement they have is just shocking. As a widow now for 11 years, I’ve given up on dating and haven’t dated anyone now for over a year. Frankly, I would rather be alone than put up with that pressure and nonsense.
What's worse is I know plenty of women who have sex with men right away, like after meeting for drinks or coffee. Men it seems they do not even like or are attracted to, but are auditioning for the role of GF, wife, SO etc because they are so lost without having a man, any man, in their life. The level of desperation is very sad. I don't understand this mentality.
There entitled because so many women engage in that behavior.
Carry and conceal ladies! Sick world out there and even if baby flirting a classy guy would NEVEr push boundaries!
@@las9582sad threads and they don’t learn and still do it!
I grieve the broken state of masculinity. We are so sexualized. So objectifying of the feminine. So afraid of real lasting intimacy. We need help. But our culture is so sexualizing, and it’s both genders participating in that.
I've met someone who likes me for who I am. He's quirky, keeps me thinking young, and we've been enjoying our friendship for ten months and there's no rush for physical intimacy. The emotional intimacy is astounding to me as I've never delved into so many personal topics honestly and openly with another person, not even my best friends, people who've known since my early adult years. I trust this person and knows he trusts me. He seeks me out in a crowd, sits near or within sight of me, brings me small gifts, remembers details of my life that I've shared so briefly that I had forgotten that I even shared that detail, and shows his good and bad sides to me. He tells me when he needs space to recharge and I tell him when I need alone time. We're good with that as we understand what we each need. Will we eventually be more than what we are now? IDK, IDC, I love this guy right now. We're not promised tomorrow.
How precious that is.
My ex remembered details but he was a narc. Not sure I’ll ever trust and it hurts to try and keep loosing faith in men. I’m just a sexy body to them. Nothing more it seems. I like depth as anyone can have good sx that’s just communication but true intimacy and love needs to be with the chemistry and hopefully builds that if not their in bigginign
Sounds like the poor guy is stuck in the friendzone😅 he's doing everything a good man is supposed to do except any physical intimacy
beautiful ! which i experienced love that way
It's a friendship not a relationship without physical intimacy.
Especially having trauma from childhood and being an adult with unhealed wounds one of the worst things we can do is be intimate with people sexually very quickly. For a long time I would use sex as getting to know someone and bonding. Most of the time it was people that we had not confirmed being together yet. Then I would get heartbroken because they weren't interested in anything further.
Going on 6 months of abstaining from sex and it's one of the best decisions I made in my life. Anxiety and depression are down A LOT and I'm really getting time to focus and heal.
So grateful for this channel. crappy childhood fairy you played a big part in helping me see from different perspectives.. thank you ❤️
Yes, me too. I been doing some reflecting because I know I deserve better
Yes! I’m 5 years without sex or dating and I’m not sure I’ll ever go back
❤
@@akferren1sounds like a living hell 😂
Honestly i might just go with a no sex ever policy. For reference I dont really enjoy sex like at all but im also not disgusted by it. Its a little awkward. Since im not disgusted by it ill usually be upfront about not liking it but being fine whenever and then once it happens once i feel like its just such a frequent request and it gets a little overwhelming and very draining especially since during sex im in like hyperfocus stretching my brain thin mode to make sure everythings alright
He sounded like a good guy. He was honest and sometimes you think you might be in to someone and then it changes. It's no ones fault.
exactly what happened for me
Dating is so hard because as a woman you'll meet plenty of men who only want you for your body or who want to use you. I've had a man invite me to his home before we even have a first date, of course I didn't go. It's rare to find a true gentleman who isn't eager to jump your pants soon as he meets you. Where have all the gentleman went ?
There are men who want to jump your pants and those who dont. Of the first group there are those who are a bit smarter and have more self control and those we call 'gentlemen'. They just take a little more time to get into your pants. Love may or may not follow after the pants are off.
It's the same for men. We men see women who want $500 first dates, wont entertain anything that isn't an expensive dinner date, and wont even put out on the first date... Meanwhile they will go back and call another guy to hook up with instead.
The thing is, the current society has dating as a transaction. 'I' as the Man am spending MY MONEY AND TIME on 'you,' so you as a woman are expected to put out....
Unless of course you, as a woman.
1. Pay for your meal and be a "modern adult."
2. Make a meal for us and we find a nice place to enjoy the meal, as a "Traditional Woman" would do.
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So my question to you is, do you(and other women) still expect a "Gentleman" (as you put it) to pay for your meal while you don't put out?
Do you also COMMUNICATE what you want clearly? The problem with the modern world is people do not communicate properly at all, most of the time because people are scared of "offending" the other person. you said a man invited you to his home before you even went out on a date, and that is fine because he clearly expressed his intent to you, and you said no. That's a perfectly fine intereaction.
What wouldn't be fine is a man paying for a dinner date, expecting it to happen, and then nothing happen because there was no communication. It could be his fault too, assumptions aren't good either. But you would then be expected to pay for your own meal. A man shouldn't have to pay for your meal then. That's the transaction.
-------------------
I want a traditional woman, I hate modern dating and I don't want to have to pay for a woman's meal. A woman needs to show me her cooking skills, I don't want a woman who doesn't pride herself on her cooking. Old Traditional women prided themselves on their cooking and wouldn't want to go out to eat where someone else is feeding their family... That's an insult.
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and finally, the thing that really upsets many men is that you say "`where are all the men who don't want us to put out" meanwhile... How many men did you put out for on the first date? Men are expected to "hold off," but you already gave that chance to other guys.
Then this man is supposed to become your husband? The man you made to wait?
It's complete disrespect to that man, while women look at it as "he loves me enough to wait." Men look at it as "She clearly doesn't love me enough if she was able to put out right away for other guys, but made me wait."
Do you have anything more to offer a man? That is where we have gone. Women are yawning chasms of want and burden, and offer..........almost nothing.
I would love for a woman to use me for my body
@@jackdeniston59Be careful... You'll be called a misogynist for your factual thoughts...
I said I wanted a woman/wife who knows how to cook and the reply I got... oh boy... `
Modern people don't really know about dating and what is truly required for a relationship.
7:30 - it's not a bad person to not commit to someone you've been dating for a couple weeks, or to break it off, it is normal
9:33 - people are attracted to you and you are attracted to people but it only goes so far and that's how it works, that's how every person is
10:04 - having a way to stay grounded in reality that you are getting to know someone
10:29 - what you're getting to know is, are they going to become into you, are they going to stay into you, are they good people, how do they react under stress
12:00 - emotional guardrails
12:37 - the SECRET!!! to dating
14:50 - you get to own decisions you made in a dating scenario, and you get to change your mind about how you want to do it in the future, but you don't get to blame the other person for not feeling you
15:00 - no one knows how they will feel about a person, that is why they date
15:38 - it's not fair to blame another person for not protecting our boundaries when we didn't
16:44 - there's no certainty in dating, engagement, marriage. You have to stay with yourself and ask, "How can I use my best judgment and only go forward when I have the information I need?"
19:40 - Don't be friends (in the sense of continuing to hang out, aka hang on, after a breakup)!!!
"The fear that the person will walk away if we have a boundary..." 🥵👏 well said.
My experience is that men connect through physical intimacy and if it isn’t obvious that it is forthcoming they disengage. I’ve been single for 5 years after a 30 year marriage and as much as I don’t want to do life solo forever I will continue to be so until I find someone who is willing to move at my pace.
I'm at your same place in life. I get it.❤
My guy doesnt want to kiss on first date. Not all guys are just after sex.
Yes because this the 1 need men cant satisfy anywhere else. Its like having a pimple you cant pop-when that need is not getting met it drives us nuts-its biology
Yeah it’s weird actually. Men are known to want it up front and decide after if they want to continue. I don’t even know if that’s healthy for men lol, or if it has just become socially acceptable. It’s bizarre to me when they can have sex with a new person they barely know then go on their way when they’re no longer interested. I always joke that men and women aren’t wired for each other.
@@haileym444 as a man i agree, we are not wired for each other
I need to tattoo the title of this video on the inside of my eyelids 😅
That’s funny me too,
😆😆😆
😂
Self love must be solid. Stop!
😂😂😂
Everything is eventual… Nothing is guaranteed… Enjoy the rides… When you get off, don’t be sad that it ended. Be glad that it happened, especially if you brought your best self to the party… Blessings will come… Lessons will go… life will go on, just don’t let it break your heart, mind and soul… Keep brushing, flossing and smiling… ❤❤❤
Well it does break thé heart even when you go for just good time
Rides?
@@SuspiriaX Yesss 🥰
I honestly don't think its trauma. I believe we live in an instant oatmeal, microwave society.
When i explain a relationship of trust is building a fire first and then you can expect heat. People get mad they don't get to enjoy the heat without chopping wood and building a fire.
Well, our entire society has changed and as you said it's the "instant oatmeal" society.
You speak about building the fire and chopping the wood, so I'm assuming you mean getting to know a guy before giving yourself to him? As in a more traditional approach?
The thing is, are you a traditional woman? Are you making meals for a guy you are interested in, and going out on dates that involve your cooking?
Or is a man still spending money on you by taking you out to eat?
You cannot expect to "hold back" for a man and then expect him to still pay for your meals like a modern man would do.
I never want to go out on a date where i'm spending money on a woman and food, that's not traditional. I think about the Picnic lunches in the park, enjoying the weather and being together.
I want to see how a woman is going to cook for me and my children, so why would I want to take a woman out?
A man would also expect the woman to have not put out for other men before him, and then try to hold back for him.
What kind of man would want to be with a woman who held back for him, but yet gave it up for other guys? That doesn't show much love for him.
@@AlvinKazu happily married for almost 20 years.
Know, trust and like that person.
Love is too easy for some people.
@@AlvinKazuVivian said something kind of insightful, but your comment reeks of misogyny. A woman doesn’t “give herself” to a man when they have sex. Would you, as a man, say you “give yourself” to woman when YOU have sex?
And why is cooking your primary measure for traditional womanhood?
Not every woman expects a man to pay for everything on every date. On a first date, many men will choose to do so, because it’s a nice thing to do. I know some people struggle with money, but I heard someone say “never buy anything you can’t buy twice.” If you’re so strapped for money that you can only afford one meal instead of two, you shouldn’t be going to meet anyone at a restaurant. That goes for men and women. I’ve had my female friends treat me to dinner sometimes, it’s just a nice thing to do to show you care/will look out for someone, and most people try to put their best foot forward on a date, so they will choose to do that. Doesn’t mean that has to happen every time.
And a woman can decide whoever she wants to have sex with and when. Some women choose to have a phase of one night stands, then decided to aim for a less sexually-focused relationship and won’t want to jump into bed right away. That’s fine, it doesn’t mean she likes the man who waits any less.
And you don’t show love only by having sex, you show love through dedication and by being physically and emotionally present. A woman can sleep around and then decide to be mostly celibate, and the value of her love will not be any less. Your opinion is honestly pretty disrespectful and sounds like you don’t interact with many women in real life
@psychedelicsurfer, spot on!
@@vivianworden2706Congrats to you both.
Dating these days is wild compared to back then sadly., but it seems you see it anyways.
"when you sleep with someone your body makes a promise whether you do or not" - Vanilla Sky
When it's over, IT'S OVER. STOP SEEING EXes! ⚡⚡ NO! WE ARE NOT FRIENDS! Now get out of my way! ⚡⚡(listen kylie minogue get out of my way👯🎶🎶)
I just don't get why people would want to be "Friends" with someone who you ended things with. Sure, maybe there could be a clean/amicable breakup, but many times it's ugly.
I LOVE that song!!!
Because you had a very close thing and you know them very well. It's okay to break up, it doesn't have to last forever. It's okay to still talk afterwards.@@AlvinKazu
I don’t know what say for a comment but I will say, the person doing this video has so much relationship wisdom, I’m like a deer 🦌 in headlights 🌈🌈
Respectfully, I disagree. There is good and bad in this video.
Ultimately, a structured approach can be useful or not depending on the context.
The fact that is better than the "unaware" approach, doesn't mean is the best way to address the situation.
It's less risky but also less rewarding (Too many dogmas, and you lose a lot of potentially good partner).
An healthy person doesn't need to follow a rigid structure or play games, and is turned off by people doing that, so guess who is left for you to attract in that way? Players.
An healthy person filters partners by being authentic, and if that means getting less sexual partner, that's the sacrifice.
The real problem today, is that there are not healthy persons, so 99% of people will not match with your healthy behaviour. That means being alone most of the time.
There’s nothing worse than getting to know someone and becoming emotionally invested, then finding out you don’t have good sex with them. There’s too many surprises when the clothes come off later, and the disappointment is worse when you connected in other ways. How can I know that I will get enough physical intimacy or fulfilled sexually with a partner I haven’t slept with yet? This is my main focus now because I spent years in long term relationships dissatisfied and I regret that time lost.
Yes I think about this also! It's a major detail!
Same, girl, same. It's a delicate balance between waiting too long and going in too soon.
I agree.
Anna, I am learning so much from you about smart dating! I have to admit, I've never in my life been smart about dating. I've always pretty much just jumped in head first without thinking. Right from 1st date, to always being together, to living together! I've had some long-term relationships, and I was married for 11 years (now divorced for 8 years), but I think I would have more success in finding lasting love if I took my time getting to know someone before just jumping right in to a "relationship". Honestly, most of my relationships have been disastrous, for one reason or another, and I'm sure it's because I didn't really know the person very well, before making a huge commitment.
Thank you for all of your sound advice, you are helping me to grow up, and to heal from my childhood abuse and trauma!
I m like you
Well I used to be. But even if I get Smarter I still get un fully too soon and get mismatched!
This is gold. Sex is sacred, and ties our soul to another, it is only precious within a solid commitment. When that bond is broken it tears us apart physically mentally, emotionally, spiritually.
Interesting how "free sex" has devastated our society There is an epidemic depression and mental health issues I believe is tied directly to sex outside of marriage The Creator knows what damages our soul and loves us enough to warn us of this heart-wrenching "pleasure"
My heart goes out to this gal; I'm much the same way. I'm a lesbian born into a Southern Baptist family, so I didn't get any guidance with dating and relationships either. It's such a mess.
this is unbelievable timing for me ! ... I'm beginning to date a man I feel very attracted to and this hasn't happened in YEARS. I have dated in that time but my feeling was 'well if it doesn't work out I'll be fine'. I didn't even think I could have these intense feelings for someone anymore... and part of me is having a difficult time taking it slow and not letting my mind and thoughts of "there's no way this could last" get the best of me. My faith helps a lot, yes, but these videos, they bring so much perspective and help me ground myself. Thank you Childhood Fairy !
Glad you are here. Good luck!
Nika@TeamFairy
If he sees her as a 'friend' he shouldn't have slept with her. He wasnt dating with her. He was hooking up with her.
you didn't understand what she said. nobody knows how they're going to feel. that's why they date. it took him six weeks. I think you're projecting onto him
@@mistress.villaina7591I do understand, that's why I picked up the part where he asked her to come over to his house 'to cook' after only two gym dates during which she refused sex and told him that she isn't interested in hook ups. Then they had sex for two whole weeks ..During this two weeks of sex they went for ONE date to the cinema and after the sex period was over he cancelled the next date to ice skate and broke to her that he 'doesn't want anything serious '. 😂😂😂😂😂😂 He also hinted on polyamory. 2 weeks of just having sex but only 1-2 outings. You call that 'dating'? He wanted a friends with benefits obviously. So maybe now I spelled it out ,YOU can understand the letter writter . Also regarding your comment about me 'projecting', I have never engaged in casual sex and content with my decision in being an independent single woman. Perhaps you are projecting.. 😊😊😊😊
@@mistress.villaina7591I understood well enough. Let me spell it out for you so that you 'understand'. First all what dating are you talking about? You mean the training in gym for two days and immediately asking for sex on the second day? Or are you referring to the one cinema date during TWO WHOLE WEEKS OF SEX or that date he cancelled after the two weeks of hooking up? That's dating?😂😂😂😂 Maybe that 3 times of going out plus two weeks of sex is dating for you (since you seem to be projecting )but it's definitely not a dating scenario to me. It's just casual sex. He even told her after two weeks of sex that he doesn't want anything serious and even spoke about polyamory. Also I have nothing to project since I am a single independent woman not interested in relationships and have never engaged in casual sex in my life 😂.
@@smmds good for you 🙄😒🤣
@@mistress.villaina7591 yes good for me to have enough self respect and to be intelligent enough to know that women deserve much more than being manipulated into casual sex labelled as 'dating'. Thank you 👍😊
The ADHD...An ADHD problem is being very good at noticing and interpreting patterns, so, for example, I can weed out inconsistencies and predict what people are doing to say to a spooky degree. I think she saw emotional interest in the guy because it was there. It's just, as was said in the video, there are other factors to a relationship, baggage, specific plans, timing. Sometimes you have to accept someone's decision, even if it feels off.
Wow, I really felt like I could have written this letter except the person I dated was in his mid-fifties and has been divorced for just over a year. He loved bombed me pretty hard in the beginning (which I was able to slow it down), but I know he wasn't a narcissist because I had dated one before. He was a very nice man but very codependent and obviously not healed from his divorce. He ended it about the 2.5 month mark when he said he "wasn't in love with me." I responded by telling him I knew it was limerence or lust he was feeling because most people don't fall in love within 60 days or so. I was hoping to get to know him better if we could just have slowed things down. I really wanted to develop a good friendship with him. I think people in these situations that have avoidant attachment issues, just want to stay stuck in that limerence stage. He will remain there until he does the work on himself and heals from his childhood wounds and adult traumas. I think we all heal at different speeds.
What you are saying makes sense ASSUMING the man in question was not deceptive. The idea that men might lie to get laid is hardly radical. And it's not OK to do that.
Lol it was infinitely easier to get into the top 20% of my law school class than it has been to date. I find dating difficult because I'm not wired for it. I hate small talk and I want to get to the point sooner rather than later. And I find people generally lack a great deal of self awareness which I have no patience for. I already have a demanding job where I literally read between the lines for a living. The last thing I want is to be confused by a guy's mixed signals. I wish it could be like earlier decades where all you had to do was look halfway decent and not be crazy and guys would respond to that.
Lmaooo I feel you Emily.. what you are saying reminds me of the book. « How to not die alone by Logan Ury » , I didn’t finished it yet but I think It’s going to help you 😊
Dating is not easy and requires skills. You’ll develop it and with some luck you’ll find yours.
You HAVE to learn small talk if u want men to like u ...If you dive deep directly, u sound crazy ...like u have no borders
@@antoniyatreneva1201 I certainly don't open with that. But I'd rather know sooner than later what exactly the guy is looking for. If you have to cut your losses, why not do so before any significant emotional investment?
@emilyl6746 because the guy will NOT tell u... u have no guarantee he won't lie to u or sweet-talk to to use and leave...this "upfront talking" will attract only liars as guys who want smth deep will get scared of u ...u will come off masculine
@@antoniyatreneva1201 Is it that odd to you? I grew up in the Middle East. People don't date for fun, they're discussing marriage immediately. In that region men are also more intentional in their pursuit of women. When I moved back to the States I didn't expect it to be so difficult.
Gotta keep your nickle between your knees. That is The guy was testing for himself,
not you. I needed to hear this.
Interesting
This is GOLD. Listening felt like a sword 🗡️ going through my heart because truth hurts and I’ve made alot of these same mistakes. I don’t want to be spaghetti 🍝 anymore 😭. Also Anna felt like like the mom I never had in this video. Yes I have a mom, but she’s never given me advice regarding this topic. Thank you Anna 😁😭. I feel like crying sometimes with regret. But I will heal, learn, and be better 💪🏼💪🏼💪🏼
So glad you are here! Good luck on your healing journey!
Nika@TeamFairy
I am in the space between wanting to date and seek a long term relationship and commitment but also knowing that I am still wounded and too starved of love seeking anyone who can give it from my emotionally and verbally abusive mother hurting me and betraying me all the time. It’s hard but I do desire intimacy long term not knowing how to lead and go about the relationship as a man knowing I have a tendency to go all in too much too soon because I just want the love and affection and the encouragement I never got from my mother.
Me too - I can go all or nothing with these things and struggle with limerence quite a bit myself.
Therapy is the key. I was like that. Seeking for love and when a guy gave me attention after I waited for years I was all in. Ended with being lied and cheated on. After that I had depression. I went again on the market and found my now husband. Therapy was my new impulse in life. Fun fact, I didn't fall in love immediately with my husband, he has. He's still jokes about it, although I think it bothers him a little bit. But it was the first time I set boundaries in a relationship and keep them, still today. I love him for who he is and he loves me. First time I can be totally myself. In the past, I always wanted to be the perfect girlfriend. Not anymore, we are humans and should be loved as we are. It's shouldn't be hard work to be loved... About the girl here, I see some similarities to myself back them. What I learned. Attention from a man doesn't mean intention. A great line of Matthew Hussey who saved my life. I wish I had discovered this channel back then as well. It had helped me not doing the mistakes I have done, otherwise I know, I'm a survivor of my childhood and I did an amazing job to heal lots of wounds. But still it doesn't end...
Love begins at home.
As within, so without.
Do ayahuasca. Save all your money and go. It will help you heal your trauma.
I am so damaged that I couldn't "date" due to fear of rejection and devastating depression, when rejected..it is not worth it!!!
Anna, i love that you approached this with reason and logic. I agree - this woman participated very willingly. But she still thinks this guy is the villain. In my experience anxiously attached people will blame everyone around them for their feelings. You need to accept that YOUR actions are yours alone. No excuses.
Thank you so much , I’ve just broken the “cool girl” phase through healing my trauma . I greatly appreciate your videos and the way you address this sensitive topic with wisdom and trauma related facts ❤️. We’re in this together.
Glad you are here!
Nika@TeamFairy
the guy is responsible for the confusion. he knew he was trying to have a sexy good time before knowing if actually he wanted to make that "promise".
It was under consent from both parties. Also, you would want to know If that person matches your sexual lifestyle too, ¿Don't you?
I mean, If they have some weird kink or opinion on sex, it's good to know beforehand. At least after 2 weeks of dating, haha.
@@ErraticOverthinker it's pretty tough to say. in our sex-focused culture, yea, i agree, i _would_ want to know about their sexual proclivities.
BUT!
if you find someone who is truly, so very TRULY your "cup of tea", it wouldn't matter. and maybe, just maybe, the ultimate purpose of looking for somebody is to spend a lifetime together and, if that's the case, then put all your chips in the pot and play the hand your dealt. no refunds. no do-overs. until DEATH.
It's at least both their faults and not solely hers. He definitely was there for the (easily given) good time and when she wanted a real date that's when his conscious kicked in. Anna is right in that at the end of the day, we have to keep ourselves accountable for what we do. In these dating stories, dismissing any responsibility from the other party doesn't make sense.
Here I am in over 40 years just now learning why people date.
Hmm. I'm four years post-divorce, in my late 30s, and have not dated - no dating apps, not interested. I've turned down five co-workers who've asked me out this last year, so I have to think I'm doing something right. And despite work being a difficult place to get to know people deeply despite the long hours, my criteria is to continue to act purposely and transparently that I live by my own standards. The right man in whom I share mutual attraction (and way of life!) will eventually ask. I am not interested in anything less than how I treat and relate to myself, and I expect the same in someone else.
I don't get asked out often these days, but since I've been single (& quite happily so, if I'm honest with myself), I've made some decisions for myself for the next time I'm dating someone that seems more seriously interested. 1) do NOT sleep with them until we've gone on at least 10 dates, 2) try not to even kiss or make out until at least third date in, and 3) be prepared to let go at every step if the guy doesn't want to wait for me to get physical. The 10 dates rule is completely arbitrary, and everyone is different, but it seems a good goal to shoot for (works out to about 3 months of getting to know each other before sex enters the picture). And while I know I'm not perfect, giving myself these parameters potentially helps me not cave as easily. Ultimately, there are no hard and fast rules, but for those of us with ingrained trauma responses, we need some guardrails.
All the males that have ever showed interest in me have only wanted one thing. They all push for sex. Forget the fact that you're a human being with feelings, hopes, dreams, fears and a future. They just lay on the charm to disarm you like love bombing to get just one thing....to get off. I caught on to that game really early on and didn't fall for it. I'm not interested in being used. I find that most people are all too willing to use you, not necessarily just for sex and not just men, women will use you too but for different reasons. You are a means to an end and they really don't care about you as a person. I keep everyone at arms length.
I find that many who seek this can just sense the insecurities and figure they can easily get it from you...
These people aren't good though usually.
@@AlvinKazu It's true. I am insecure, but I'm not a push over. I have boundaries. So while these people may sense my insecurities, they get nothing over on me. Mostly because my extreme distaste for insincerity usually wins. I don't easily get entangled with other people. I have a lot of baggage with that from CPTSD. And you are right, "these people aren't good though usually" I can sniff them out a mile away.
Why did you expect anything else? Are you a tradwife, because your standards are very traditional.
The good news is not everyone is like that.
Find you a REAL man of God if you want a traditional man.
You gotta walk that walk yourself though too.
@@nagrabagra4924And when that happens, they don't pursue you anymore, because they aren't getting what they want out of you.
i needed to hear this ! just started dating again after 2 years being single ....
Of course the journey is not easy- but I still can’t get over how specifically, personally helpful and insightful finding your particular channel has been. ❤
You're always so helpful, Anna, and I've referred you to others. I believe that you're also a spring in the color theory and look great in light, clear warm colors.
Thank you for sharing and for your comment. Glad you are part of our community here!
Nika@TeamFairy
i love how compassionate you are while still being realistic. definitely earned a sub from me
Thanks.
We bound around sex. They were together. The thing is that was a for a small time but they were together. It didn't work out okay, but it was the creation of a connection. That is okay to have a dating plan, but life is not always sticking to plan... It rarelly does actually.
This happened to me but after 5 months of dating. This is a very interesting video as I see that I made these mistakes of moving too fast in my mind and falling in love with the possibilities and ideas but not with the reality. Thanks.
Glad you're here :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Your work is just exactly what this world needs ✨✨✨😊
Some really good stuff here. Thank you.
This is gold, thanks Anna !
I love this Woman!!!! Thank you Anna
There is a difference between “dating” and sleeping with people. If I meet a girl who is still involved in any kind of way with men she’s slept with in the past including “friends” then she’s out whether I like her or not. Period.
Makes sense to me. I'm the same way with potential male partners..
That seems a bit harsh.
@@Captain_MonsterFart its called maturity
Or she could just lie to you about it 😂it’s not really your business when you first meet anyway
@@katayna_girl8468 it absolutely is... i'm not paying to take a girl out whos sleeping with someone else... and if i find out she was seeing someone else... its over done bye
How about enjoying the date and move on? I also have trauma and sometimes I had affairs. Some affairs I don't regretted and sometimes I got hurt. But is life! And now some rhetorical questions: What if I need sex? What if the "real" love never comes? Will I spend all my life dating, looking for the "one"? Why don't focus on travelling, friendship, dancing? Focus on life! And if someone judges you because of sex, they don't deserve you at all. Women don't be ashamed about your body and you desires.
I feel the same way!
You’re not getting the point she’s making. She’s talking about people that bond through sex and get trapped pining after someone that doesn’t care about them/ want a relationship. A lot of people with trauma bond like superglue through the hormones that come with sex.
@kerrymillar1267 I understood perfectly what she said. I am just giving my opinion, and why not see the other way?
@kerrymillar1267 I've been there. I know what trauma is. I could tell the story of my life. But life has so many paths
This was helpful on so many levels, with my experiences as both of these people in this scenario, at different times. Thank you
Glad it was helpful!
Nika@TeamFairy
Such wonderful feedback and a hopeful message, so constructive ❤, as someone with adhd I like these
im 29 and have never been in a relationship and dont date but still watching in case miracle happens
If you're interested, try Anna's Dating and Relationships for People with Childhood PTSD course: bit.ly/3IBbrv7
Nika@TeamFairy
I hate dating so much.
Interesting information!!!! THANKS
before watching this video on relationships I was 99.9% sure that I will never date again. Now I am 100% sure..........
In my experience as a guy, women do not take rejection that well and does not matter how softly we convey the message. I have seen some become more emotionally unstable and erratic than what I had thought. It may due to historic hard wiring that men are the initiator and bound to stick with the date. What I can say, men usually don't observe or analyze much for casual flicks. When it comes to long term, we go over every single detail of how a family will run with that person (standards may vary with socioeconomic condition).
Thank you for sharing your insight with us.
Nika@TeamFairy
Excellent video. Great analysis for men and women to learn from.
Raw n real. A launch pad to look forward from. And she gives ability to learn
She upfront told him she didn’t want fwb. So he knew by proceeding he was agreeing to that.
i get your point, but a lot of your insight presumes that the prospective partner is emotionally developed and secure. which how he behaved, that pretty much wasn't the case. i think it's more of a mixed bag. a lot of times, you have to move fast or the other person ends it. sure you can say well that's how you weed people out, but it's a lot more emotionally complicated that that idea imo.
Wow, this went to 11 from the very start. Just 25 seconds in I know that the rest of it is gonna be great. Thank you. 🙏
11. our secret number, LOL.
I’m not convinced he was totally innocent or in the right either, but this is why we have to set and hold boundaries to be responsible for ourselves, and know our value. It doesn’t take much effort for guys to get sex upfront these days. He honestly should have not engaged in sex or overnights either if he wasn’t expecting to become pretty entangled at that point
work on yourself first....that's my mantra
Very glad I stumbled onto this. I'm still very anxious around dating since getting out if an abusive relationship a bit over a year ago. Despite mostly avoiding it, there were two women who've come into my life that made the first move at different points. Great people, but it ended up being a source of anxiety me just not being as into it as I know I've experienced, and felt guilty after breaking things off. Thanks for reminding me that even though the hurt feelings suck, it was still the right thing to do and I shouldn't feel guilty.
Glad you are here and learn! Good luck on your healing journey!
Nika@TeamFairy
So. Much. Wisdom. Good stuff!
Glad you're here :) -Calista@TeamFairy
I loved this video
I found John Bradshaw's "Healing the Shame that Binds You" to be a good resource.
How do u stay grounded IN a relationship without coming off jaded😅 asking as a "victim" of being on the receiving end of falling out of "love."
I'm in the middle of the trying to date process right now. And it's not that I need a man, but I feel a longing for connecting with a man. But I find it so so hard. When I have a first contact via a dating app, I already want to delete him, because I don't know how to tell him about my "wounds" without oversharing, how to not lose myself in the contact, how do I know what I want or even like him, because I feel that I must be grateful for even getting a like on the app. So it brings out so many emotions and feelings that I don't even want to start. But...on the other hand I want to try it so much. But I just want to meet someone irl not on an app. But that's hard when you're 42 and not have a huge social life. I'm just so scared in the process....so yes I find it hard...
Heya, I have a hard time too and was really helped by Anna's video on disorganised attachment. Highly recommend and 42 imho is the prime in a woman's life, my mums cousin got married at 45 to a real friend and her true love, they're 70 now and have had the most pure, happy and humble relationship that's aspirational for so many in the family-they accomplished so much together,she really bloomed. she was the black sheep and got a lot of disapproval in her home but she is the happiest now. ❤❤❤ wishing you the best :)
Heal your wounds first. If not the relationship probably wouldn’t last or be that great even if u met someone. Force yourself to go out. Even if it’s solo.
You are not alone. I'm also 42 and have been single since birth.
I don't dare to jump into a relationship as I've multiple trauma wounds to heal on hand.
If I would be dumped because of my 'weird' behaviour, I think I might be destroyed totally.😢
It's this fear that makes me isolate from people😅.
@@takeadarko8192Spot on. I was 33 when I started dating. I was scared of getting hurt and what happened? Exactly, I got hurt... I wasn't prepared for dating apps and after some attention of weird men. I found a guy who met all my criteria. But unfortunately just the shallow ones. The others like loyalty, faithfulness was only in my head. It doesn't have ended well... After some depression and therapy I'm now very happy. Now with 39 married to a wonderful man. We also met from online dating, so yes it worked, but it was looong and difficult time. First lesson. If a guy shows interst that doesn't mean nothing. Even if you are dating and met friends and family. Still means nothing. Get to know them over time. Wait with s.. and still be prepared to go separate ways. There is no guarantee, only time and building real intimacy. See the bad things about each other and not only the honeymoon phase. My husband and me had that early, after a month when my mother got a cancer diagnosis. He was there for me and it still doesn't changed. Try to find out about the character and don't ignore signs if your guts is screaming at you. I learned my lesson. Wish you here the best ❤
I can relate to your fears. Dating apps are a completely unnatural way to connect with a person. You need to feel their vibe, smell their pheromones. I'm in my 40s in a tiny town so it's really hard to meet anyone new. But I refuse to use online dating. It triggers all my discomforts.
Don’t put all of your eggs in one basket.....especially so soon
So on point Anna
You are amazing! I really liked this video and insights… I’m 71 years old, single, never married and getting into the dating field ….
You got this! -Calista@TeamFairy
This is an excellent video. Nuanced, empathetic, blameless. Men and women of all ages who are dating need to watch this.
A couple notes regarding things mentioned (about our dating and pop culture): 1-The songs. Ugh. So much of our music has lyrics that are just gag-tacular, all about the other person being the dream end-all-be-all solution to my life. Pop music brainwashes young people. 2-Young men are conditioned to "score" on dates, and led to believe they are a failure if no sex results. Pop culture, and lack of proper father-figure guidance/wisdom causes this.
That's my two cents. I will forward this video to people I know who are "in the market"---they could use the wise observations.
Not sure how many other men are listening to this, but I’m taking notes here. I like this guys plan of just, let’s hang out as friends, but I’ll leave out the whole pull away and not communicate nonsense.
Likes "cooking together" 😂😂😂
That part killed me 😂
Very helpful
25 I have certainly never been close to being in love, I only recently found self love, and constantly have to remind myself to wait for things to happen not to try to force them
Yes. It is indeed a paradoxical thing to do, but i believe you will find someone if you give it time.
We are still young and have our whole lives to find someone. Just try to enjoy the time you have now.
Thank you so much ! 🙏
20:00 I agree with The Fairy.
I cannot be friends with a girl who broke my heart... That's crazy.
if a girl I like puts me in the friendzone... NOPE!
I don't know why people would put up with such suffering.... It isn't worth it.
I spent 3 months with a girl who just broke up with her bf, who claimed "She needed time," meanwhile she was sleeping with other guys, etc, etc an then finally told me she liked another guy and this and that and I just asked her "so you wont even give me a chance?" and she said "no..."
That shit hit me the hardest.... It wasn't the fact she said no... It was the fact she wouldn't even give me a chance.... Afterwards, I just sat at the entrance to my door just shocked, because she told me right in front of my dorm room.... I don't recall what exactly happened afterwards, but ~When I went to sleep I woke up and was getting ready to `go to the bathroom and just broke down in tears at the entrance to my dorm room and woke up my roommate... Pretty pathetic, but man that situation with her sucked... I really thought I would be able to get myself a gf... Finally... For 3 months I was strung along, hoping...
What a fool I was....
I realize now... She already gave me a chance.... and I failed.
She was similar to the girl in this story.
To be fair, she told you she needed time - did you interpret that as her needing time to be ready to date in general (not specifically you), or were you just hoping she would start liking you if you hung around her long enough? No judgment, I was there with a guy several years ago, and I spent about 2 years hoping he would like me back.
But eventually, I realised he was treating me (and a few of his own friends) badly, completely lost interest and it was *only then* that he started trying to pursue me. I've had therapy since and looking back, I see that I was messed up and would be less likely to chase a guy like that.
@@ShintogaDeathAngelI just expect honesty.
If she wasn't into me, just tell me that the instant I tell you I like you. Instead she strung me around for 3 months because "She's not ready," making it seem like I had a chance..... All until finally she found a BF candidate(who already had a GF btw) and told me. I think it's really messed up and gives mixed signals.
It is partly my fault because I Should have known when she slept with another guy she had been with before, `that I had no chance, but I figured she was doing her thing and trying to find out what she wanted and gave her some time to process her breakup.
It's all a bunch of BS.
I know part of the situation was my fault letting it go that far, but I was inexperienced and didn't know better, and was just trying to be nice and give her space.
She wasn't mean or nasty to her friends, and she was overall a pretty n"nice" person, but she had her issues.
@@AlvinKazu I'm really sorry you were hurt but it's an important lesson to learn because i can tell you, as someone older than you, that there are people like this throughout your life - it's not just a young person's issue. Sometimes they intentionally mess you around, sometimes they don't (do it intentionally I mean - they still mess you around either way!) Sometimes there is no bad intent - they just aren't sure what they want or don't want to hurt your feelings by coming right out and saying they aren't attracted. Sometimes there is darker quality to it when they will ask to be your 'friend' so they can keep you on the back-burner or to continue to enjoy the feeling of being adored while doing their own thing. The point is that dating today can be confusing as heck for everyone esp. if you allow yourself to get pulled into situations like this. I can say that there ARE people out there that are clear about what they want and won't behave like this but they are the minority - you have to be very intentional about finding them and not wasting your precious time with people who are all over the place like this girl. (That's no insult to her, most of us have been all over the place at one point or another but the truth is that no one is good partner material when they are like that.) And, in my opinion, it wouldn't be a good idea to put your emotional energy and focus into a friendship with her if that ever comes up - it will be a distraction and take energy away from you focusing on yourself and other, more appropriate, potential girlfriends. Best of luck to you - it isn't easy for sure.
This girl does not deserve you! Not the other way around! Everyone deserves to be loved without conditions. If anybody at anytime playes ‘games’ with you or ‘tests’ you, get out asap! Be very clear from the beginning of your intensions.. if the other person does not feel the same, go on with life❤
@@SYLPT93I was a bit confused at first when you said she doesn't deserve me, as i took this as an attack, and that I was the bad one and that "she deserved better," but I think you meant it the opposite way.
Yes, I was extremely desperate for love and affection and wanted a GF. I had parents(father) who always told me how special and amazing I was and that got to my head so I just felt that I'm trash because I was Obese and no girl will want the Obese me.
Very damaging.
Thank you, all the best.
Thank you!😊
This should be taught in school
Thanks SO much for getting to the real POINT of of dating. Imagining the best. Vs the worst dating . 😂😂😂😮😢😢
Why is nobody talking about the attachment styles of these two people? It’s clear that person number 1 is anxiously attached and person number 2 is the avoident one…
I feel like I’m writing this letter!
Is 75% Y's on the struggle to connect bad? LOL I wish I could afford your courses, although it's probably too late for me, anyway. I do love your videos, though, and I hope all your letter writers (and members and viewers) can find that missing piece to complete their puzzle and make a good life!
thank you
Thanks for watching and taking the time to comment! -Calista@TeamFairy
To anyone reading this that is having financial issues and you think you can't find good paying job because of lack of education try your City and State Government to get an entry level position. Then they may pay for classes. Slow and steady. You can move up in the department as well. Clean, no drugs, no attitude and speak English not slang. Respect yourself.
9:22min that's me. So helpful to hear.
Getting to know someone even without sex sometimes becomes something that drains your real energy. Because I feel like people drain my energy at some point and I don't get the support I'm looking for in return. This mostly points to the support I did not receive from my father. And these men can generally be avoidant and attached men who do not want to take responsibility. There is no end to healing. but on the other hand, life and time flow ruthlessly. The best thing is not to settle for anyone and trust your gut feelings. I do not recommend sex for at least 6 months too . Good luck to everyone
We need to find out Ultimate value & acceptance from God our Creator & Redeemer First, and only then, look for an Echo of that from the other Sex Second.
That order IF recognized will help stabilize & minimize the Trauma and Turbulence we suffer from the fickle attention from self seeking "players".
In my immaturity, I've been one of those, but Praise God, moved past that phase of frustration.
On that basis of recognition, my wife & I enjoyed a very strong & fulfilling 32 year marriage, weathering many a storm, because Christ was the Rock our marriage was anchored on.
Cancer struck her down in 2021 to my immense Grief, and finding a suitable #2 has been an arduous effort.
It's gonna take Virtue, a proper approach & a miracle for it to happen.
CHF, your videos are helpful in the Extreme !
Yes . . .
Just be single for life . Not worth it
Ladies. Stop giving the goods out.
That’s silly. Would you say that to a man?
@@katayna_girl8468No it actually isn't.
@@katayna_girl8468Men are told they are sex-crazed by women on social media all the time. As if being in a celibate-relationship made any sense! 😂
Should men stop giving the goods out? I'm curious why you didn't direct the imperative towards them.
To understand all the costs and fees involved
She Did Not do Anything Wrong, except Give mixed messages by saying 1 thing, & doing the opposite " I don't want casual, but then Jumping into bed ASAP, which IS Casual! She Betrayed Herself, he did Not. Rejection Sucks, and he was a Mature kind man that didn't dump & ghost her, but Still she's in denial, what do you call in Lumerex (???) Sorry, I don't say these things to be mean nor nasty but as a WAKE UP!
When I used to date, men would try to make me feel like there was something wrong with me bc I didn’t want to have sex right away. Eventually just stopped dating at all.