Addressing 5 criticisms to the video: (And apologies for spelling ‘criticising’ wrong in point 1 - I left it up so I could spew in the discomfort of my perfectionism as an attempt to stop being a perfectionist. Fuck it we ball.) Criticism 1: 1.) "If all of these behaviours are "toxic" then what are we meant to say? Just stand there and be silent?" Response 1: - It's not for me to say what you want or value in your relationships, but if what you want is to better support those you care about and to permit others to grow in your presence, then not doing these 12 things will help you do so. - And the last time I checked "just stand there and be silent" is called listening. And that's usually what you do when someone you care about is talking or venting. - Finally, throughout the video I give many examples of what you could say (10:28). Criticism 2: 2.) "This is just a woke conversation." Response 2: - Fuck woke culture. I hate it. Walking on egg shells around people for fear of offending them. Sod that for a laugh. - So not doing these 12 things doesn't mean you tone down your authentic voice in conversations and don't say things you want to - this does more harm than good. If you want to voice an opinion, voice it. I have plenty of videos on how to do that. Criticism 3: 3.) "Sometimes giving people advice is good + I know countless people who have been helped by reassurance." Response 3: - I agree. There have been numerous times throughout my life when someone has reassured me or given me advice and it's helped. - But ask people if they want your advice before you give it. - And only reassure people after they've emotionally vented - this way you avoid signalling "stop feeling what you're feeling." Criticism 4: 4.) "Jheese, modern conversations are so hard. It seems no matter what we do we'll always put a foot wrong." Response 4: - The tips mentioned aren't for "modern conversations". The book I used to get this information from was published in 1979. - We're not perfect. Our social skills will never be flawless. We're going to do these 12 things countless times throughout our lives (17:48). But the less the better if what we want is to better support and connect with others. Criticism 5: 5.) "Dude, you're moralising us about not moralising other people. And you're giving us advice on not giving other people advice." Response 5: - The difference between a real life conversation and a youtube video is that at any point you can turn the youtube video off. So I'm not giving you advice, I'm suggesting things that you have the choice to listen to or not. Don't like what I'm saying? Shut my annoying moustached bald ass up by turning off the video. - Regarding me moralising you about not moralising other people, this will sound like the biggest cop out ever, but sometimes information needs to be delivered in a paradoxical way. It's a contradiction yes, but how else could I have delivered the message? (if you have an idea, I'd love to hear it). Thank you for your time and attention. I'm happy to hear any counter arguments you have to these below. Lewis
Good video, Lewis! I appreciate your answers to the (possible) criticisms. When I read your statement, "The tips mentioned aren't for "modern conversations". The book I used to get this information from was published in 1979," I had to giggle, I was about your age in 1979. I'm still learning, and trying to grow. I find that to keep up with how the culture around me is changing, I need to listen more to (much) younger people. :-)
Would it be alright to ask for the title of the book from 1979 please? You've done an excellent job of synthesizing it to video form - I thoroughly enjoyed the depth and brevity of each point. However, I would like to read further on this topic. Thank you so much.
This just shows that a perfect empathetic listener is an empty bottle. I doubt you will have time but just posted my 1st video on my midlife crisis please give me advice about my toxic behaviour. Oh no you cannot do that (advice?)
Bro, but it works tho. I tend to zone out a lot, because I am very consumed with my own thoughts. I have very elaborate thoughts that im dreadfully incapable of explaining to people. I've developed a "Yeah...", "uh huh", "dang...", "hmm?", and *gives quizzical look* response system based on reading others body language for myself that I default to if I start zoning out on a conversation. People. Eat. It. Up. The more "engaged" I try to be with people, the less they enjoy conversation; most people just want to talk. That's it. They aren't interested in getting responses. They just want to talk. If you can stomach it, let them. Employ a "zoned out" technique like I described above, and they'll think you're the best "conversationalist" ever.
@dimitristripakis7364 yeah sure being non-verbal till the point that people think I'm crazy and getting threatened to send to another school not being able to keep friendships or any ships in general wow what a great thing 😀
@@ManjeetKour-nu1zq as I understand it, ‘mantra’ is Sanskrit and Hindi, used in Hinduism, while ‘mantar’ is Punjabi or Urdu, as used in Sikhi. From your name I assume you are Sikh? Are both correct?
@@Fredreegz mantar is used in hindi and sanskrit mostly Western and Britishers added 'a' like Shiva it's shiv in hindi Deva it's dev in hindi and sanskrit and dharma it's dharm all of these are used in bhagvat gita the utmost hindu scripture britishers used 'a' after hindi because it was dificult to pronounce south indian still use it because hindi is not known there for them they using A after hindi terms is cool but it's just the English term of hindi sentences and yes I am a sikh
@@ManjeetKour-nu1zq I assumed that as classical Sanskrit developed into Prakrit languages words and sounds changed slightly, and some final vowels were lost. Similar changes have taken place in the development of Persian/Farsi and in European languages. I thought modern Indian languages like Hindi or Punjabi dropped these old Sanskrit final vowels. Like ‘rām/rāma/ is just written राम rather than राम् with a viraam?
I can resonate with needing a slap in the past but my friends were all supportive and understanding which only resulted in me taking way longer to get out of a situation than it should’ve
I teach public school. Sometimes children share with me very personal things. I often just say, "That sounds so difficult, thank you for telling me what's going on." Sometimes I really don't know what else to say, but that seems to be helpful, without interfering in their sharing.
I had a 5th grade teacher who I remember sat with me on at least one occasion (possibly more) and listened to me tell her about my older brother who’d first spent a year in Vietnam, was shot, recovered and best as I can recall he went back. Then he signed up again and was stationed in the USA. During the USA station he had to defend his life by taking someone else’s during an attack on him. He went on trial and was acquitted. My mother was gone out of state, to be there for his trial. Etc. And this teacher sat with me, I guess must have been during the latter part of our lunch hour. I can remember going into a lot of detail and how interested she seemed. It must have helped me a lot. I can’t recall anything she might have said. She was was very pretty, ladylike, young, and had manners. I still remember her high hairdo, done up on top of her head. Always thought it looked so nice. She was the only adult who really listened to me to that extent.
@@tommyshanks4198people often go to their friends to have someone to listen, not implicitly asking advice. But when people go to customer service, even if they actually want to just vent, the cultural expectation is solutions, explanations, and compensation. So one style of listening does not work well for both teachers and customer service
This one echoed in me as well. Even though I do not say it to people, I am always secretly diagnosing and making psychological evaluations about them in my head. It is a complete barrier that I put between me and the other person.
@@Juanah92Unless you are a trained psychologist, you can't make psychological evaluations. What you actually do is a comparison between other people's opinions and yours. It is called judgement. Someone who do not agree with your ideas or beliefs (right or wrong) you discard. You just do what human beings have done for milennia, but using contemporary filters. The problem in the West is that religion was substituted by ideologies, which are the same but do not require to believe in a supreme being. Now, these ideologies accomodate to the will of the people in power. They take the young generations and make them believe whatever suits the purpose of this power. These ideologies are your filters and they influence your judgement. If these ideologies become who you are, you become a fanatic, that repeats like a parrot the teachings received...until you get life experience enough to see out of your tunnel vision. Real knowledge comes from observing real life as it unfolds, not from someone so young, as the author of this video, that only repeats and racionalises the ideology he's been tought.
I've had multiple therapists and I've left therapists before for jumping too quickly to diagnosing rather than asking questions to understand the issue. It's even less appropriate to diagnose in everyday situations... but sometimes it can be hard to avoid speculating internally
Growing up in a dysfunctional family, I didn't learn how to communicate my feelings or how to listen when other people communicate theirs. I still struggle with difficult conversations and conflict avoidance. I'm now 64 and still learning. Thank you, Lewis, for your help.
@@jessicagreen1876 the process is made more difficult if we're not given the correct tools when we're children and many of us don't even realise how unprepared we are. It's never too late to start the journey. 🙂
You may benefit from "Nonviolent Communication". I am reading right now about connecting compassionately with ourselves so our inner dialogue is not so self critical.
He's right, for those of us who study psychology, it is hard not to diagnose people, but we must avoid it because it's not our place and no one likes it
I was talking to a woman from Bumble the other day. Very early in the conversation she said "Are you OCD?" I told her that was a very unusual question, to begin with, a person cannot be a disorder If this is the kind of thinking they're promoting in classrooms, I would say they're not really teaching psychology. Her social error clearly demonstrated that she didn't know fundamental things about relating to people, which means that she likely doesn't understand people. I don't know what to call that, but I wouldn't call it psychology
@@TheParadiseParadoxpeople want to put you in a box within 5 minutes of starting a conversation. It sucks. Don't label people! But not doing so takes work and most of us are guilty of being lazy conversationalists.
I think we need to learn to be very good listeners and be able to hold space for them, especially to the people we care about. When it gets tricky though is when this behaviour isn't reciprocated. When you are the one feeling emotional and your friend then reacts with either of the ''dirty 12 of communication''.
Yeah, this explains why I have such impossibly high standards for myself. i give too much advice and hold myself to it too because I don't want to be a hypocrite
I’m an autistic adult and I have a fix-it logical solution checking compulsion when hearing about anyone’s problems including when I had friends. I wouldn’t mind if anyone analysed solutions to my problems along with me. If I’d just want to express my sadness about a problem, then I’m explicitly state that I have my „solution spreadsheet plan” and not seeking ideas. As an autistic person I like to communicate needs clearly.
And that's a problem, to many people. I am neurodiverse too and I have gotten better at not giving unwanted solutions to others. In fact, we (neurodiverse people) can come across as explicitly and extremely toxic to others, precisely because of these kinds of ingrained mannerisms or vices. However, they are not predeterminations. With some work, I have been able to improve these 'issues'.
It's a thin ice, this topic, because each of these things can be done healthily, and toxically. For example, the threatening: you could hold the relationship hostage like you ilustrated, or you could set a boundary, saying: "If you continue to behave this way, I'll feel unloved and disrespected." and it still could be considered a threatening manipulation/conditional love. At the end of it, it boils down to how mature the person you're talking to is.
Or it comes to how able you are to control your desire. If you can't be with that person without resorting to little threats or blackmails, then the most honest option is go separate ways or reduce interaction to a level that it does not require resorting to manipulation.
@@carloscabrera1912 A valid point, although I was trying to illustrate how what people perceive is outside of our hands. Interpretation is left to the listener, even if you communicate in a way that's widely considered to be healthy(setting a boundary). Therefore this video should be taken with a grain of salt.
This is what I was just thinking !!💖the great thing though about conversations and humans is that there are different ideas and opinions on how we work. The way you treat one person and or how you act with someone ) changes : elders, best friends, kids and strangers💖
Ever since i found your channel, my life has changed for the best. I'm now more socially adept, and the credit goes to you. I talk to people more often and have let go of my fear of starting conversations with new people. Thank you so much man, i'm extremely grateful
Ah man, this is what makes it all worthwhile! I’m glad to hear that comrade :) keep up the good work! I’m proud of you. Ps. Ignore the negative comment above us 💪🏻
12:34 sharing experience is a form of advice, nothing wrong in helping a friend to live through a breakup by pointing out the relevant rights and wrongs of your past breakups. People don't want advice, but they love insight. And what matters is not what you're bringing to the table - but how you're serving it.
I used to think that briefly sharing a similar or relatable experience would help connect and show the person that I heard them. But it doesn't. They perceive it as oh now you're making it about you. So I never ever do that any more. Convo is so tricky, I, too, since covid, pretty much just avoid anything other than stock greetings because everyone seems so poised to take everything in the worst possible way.
@@ColleenKitchen to confuse you more, I'm a person who feels better hearing somebody share a similar experience. It affirms me they empathized enough to remember a situation of their own, that they were listening to me, I get to hear a different approach or point of view of a similar problem and I get to not feel alone. So it really does the depend on the person. I do agree that some people take everything in the worst way, so unfortunately we have to thread carefully in conversation sometimes
@@amemocci3580I agree. It feels like someone isn’t listening/caring much when they just say, “oh that must be hard for you” or similar things. I feel embarrassed that I said anything then and come away feeling even worse and like it’s hard to find someone else to relate to properly. If I’m going to the trouble of telling someone how I’m struggling then I’m looking for someone’s perspective and want to see if they’ve had any relatable experiences.
He does have a slight semblance to Hyphonix. At first I felt like I'd showed up to class, this was the sub, and the professor would soon be found tied up in the supply closet.
Exactly! Following these “skills” can lead to people pleasing and prevent authentic interactions. The video forget to mention that being a “good listener” and “holding space” often attracts people who talk about themselves excessively.
@@sifulam7967 Word! And you can actually end up enabling that person, like if say one person feels better by talking to you about their problems, to the point that they just talk to you about their problems instead of fixing them. Then you can enable them in their self-chosen suffering and victomhood (which some often do because at some point in their life they gained from it, like they only got attention when they were sad or hurt. Some even go so far as doing it for pity to manipulate someone.
It is good advice, you dont need to apply it in every single convo, but knowing and applying it will be beneficial. He even mentions early on that sometimes you wont like what a person grows into if you let them grow. Some friendships will benefit from applying these often, but always being so dedicated to appeasing others in the convo is a lot of effort on many people who arent worth it
I knew this when I was 12 years old. But now I’m 62 and have experienced a lot of shitt and have been judged so much that I started to do it myself. It’s such a dirty circle of ugly feelings.
@@antiprismatic Oh right. Thanks. I hate that because they're intentionally are judging but trying to make me look like the crazy one which they continue to judge as well. It's messed up.
@@OmniSphinx I dont know what it is or how it comes about or how the person can do it?! It is so bold faced!!!! Maybe they honestly feel as though they are not judging but just stating a fact?! Weird. I'm trying to search my conscious and unconscious intentions to see how that state of duplicity exists. Maybe something like, "oh you have blonde hair, I'm not judging you" I think it is just people observing and witnessing so much that they feel they are objective?! I hope to get closer to understanding it!!!! It is miserable. It definitely a trauma based response and reaction unless the person is capable of owning prefacing and amending what is being said. Hmmmm
Labeling people really hit home for me. I made this HUGE mistake with my son. I thought that I was being a good mother by reminding him how smart he was daily. I thought this was an encouraging statement, but I am afraid it made him fearful of failure. He is a grown now, with a career that did not require formal training or education in which he could have easily accomplished. I am deeply proud of him in every way. He is an outstanding person on every level, but I feel that by labeling him "smart" I may have stunted his educational dreams.
I felt this growing up. I didnt want to fail my label and it made me stop trying hard things for fear of failure. With my kids i try to avoid that and just praise them with their efforts, something they can control instead.
Advice without a lot of questions first is what is so bad; not advice in and of itself but ill or uninformed advice. The best advice I’ve gotten was advice I’d not know to ask for.
Good stuff! I’m an old lady and it took me years to acquire this wisdom. I taught young children throughout my career and said, “Good job!” rather than, “Good girl/boy”. I remember my dad saying there were too many “shoulds” in the world, and in AA hearing, “Don’t ‘should’ on yourself or others.” Learning to listen, and these other skills you mention, mean I have to honestly ask myself, “Is this comment for them or me? So many times I would assert myself in a conversation and could trace it back to my own fears or insecurities. Now I say, “Just let them talk!” Not always easy!!
It is easy. Do not speak again about other people...even if you are assaulted, robbed, etc. as you could estigmatize them for life. And you do not want that, do you?. Think about their destiny and your responsability. Don't think about how they affected yours. That would be selfish.
How to avoid all this without sounding shallow...?? My girlfriend actually does that. she never judges, never gives advice, etc, but she sounds so shallow when she talks. she sound like ChatGPT and says stuff that is supposed to make you feel good but that doesn't help at all .
Maybe, if you have something judgemental to say, try to add that it's your opinion and you also migh be wrong, because you don't know everything, but you try to understand this person and the situatiion
That's the price you pay for being "normal", normal = not interesting. You have to choose, do you want to be normal and tolerated by all or special and be hated by most? Your choice.
14:20 there's a fourth reason - they're trying to relate to the person talking. More common with certain neurodivergency. Although pointing out that there's no one size fits all for social dynamics is boilerplate, I feel compelled to bring this one up since it's affected people i care about plenty of times.
While there are very good points in here, I would say that there are definitely caveats to some of these. If someone is in an abusive relationship, saying "You should leave them" is absolutely fine. I worry, occaisionally, about how I communicate, just because i'm not a very talkative person, but I think communicating, regardless of how wrong or right it is perceived is important. The whole world runs on our ability to communicate, and if we start to overthink it, we won't do it all
If someone is being abused, maybe the best approach is to use the Socratic method: that is, to ask them questions until the arrive at the answer (which is to break up with them). Help them find the answer themselves.
@@user-bf3pc2qd9s Or maybe ask them if they have sought advice from any agency. If they haven't instead of should, "you could" or none of that and ask other open questions, do you want to get out of this relationship. Or the ultimate, is there anything I can do to help you, I'm always happy to listen but also happy to accompany you to...
I almost clicked away once I started bc I was like "I don't need to hear this" and then I was like, OMG everyone needs to hear this! Another fantastic video WOW!
And I just discovered why I was so “obstinate” as a a kid-I was reacting to how belittling and controlling my parents were, rather than things they would ask me to do.
There must be parents somewhere who ask their children what they want and how they feel. Mine barked orders, answered any questions with Because I Say So, then stepped back and expected instant compliance. And, years later, wondered why I didn't want to ask or tell them anything.
for some reason people have an above 90% wrong rate for diagnosing others, since we teach each other the most stupid reasons in pop culture and movies why people do stuff. the "dont worry, youre overthinking, it will all be fine" is barely an attempt to make them stop feeling, its an attempt to make oneself feel better whilst not only ignoring the other persons emotion, but also sacrificing their physical safety. if someone says they lost their job, they might already be on the street with one leg or they wouldnt be so nervous that they rant to you that way, similar with when someone saying theyre scared of their tinder date. in my experience, we should be proud for overthinking as long as it doesnt spiral into serious mental problems, instead of treating it like a bad thing and discouraging it.
I expected to find out I was the most toxic person ever when it comes to having a conversation but I'm glad to see I do none of these things when I talk to people, phew.
I have a sober bar here in Guadalajara and we have a lot of interesting conversations. Most of the time the conversations go well, but of course as you've pointed out there are a lot of ways things can go wrong One of the things I said to the group today was "listen with your whole body". When you listen with a tiny point of your brain, filtering things in a specific way, hearing in a specific way, responding in a specific ways, that's a kind of fanaticism. When you listen with the top of your chest, not wanting to go deep into the emotions which might be in the bottom of your chest or in your belly, that's evasion. Different combinations of these two errors result in most of the problems that you've described in this video. When you listen with your whole body, you don't have to be tied down to a particular reaction, you can feel everything and so you can respond with the intelligence of the entire body. Things can be pretty simple in this way
Human behavior starts with judging everything. Tastes good, tastes bad. I like this , I don’t like that. We’re just fancy monkeys. We want what we want. Ponder this, if we all studied psychology, would we behave any differently? I don’t think so. We would just try to out psych each other.
The most terrible people in existence are fully up to date with all "information" like this and appeal to the most high-grade therapeutic new-speech as they cease thinking like actual human beings in relationships.
@@Dystisis I dunno. I'm 60 years old and have lived a lot of life at this point. In life you'll find yourself doing and not doing all of the things our good TH-camr describes, so you do have exposure to these concepts from which to judge. In my life, when I've screwed up in business, in relationships, in life in general, it was often screwing up in the ways he describes, and when things went well, it was often from behaving and communicating in the ways he endorses. Some, understandably believe in simply acting without contemplation. And it's hard to argue that approach has not had its share of major victories. But one of the things we learned about the reality of the world from.the revolution in physics over the last 150 years, is even the basic mechanics of the world does not behave in a way we can instinctively understand, particularly over scales different than the scales our natural perceptions developed for. How much moreso is the case with our minds and the minds of others. That said, the advice he presents does closely mirror the counsel of the greatest religions. It may be expressed by the presenter in ways easier for people of our culture and day to understand than in the Old Testament (which I read daily) or the Vedas (of which I have only read parts), but it is there. In reality he presents ancient wisdom that people have to discover and rediscover in our own lives and our own life-settings.
I’m 23, Married, with a 2yr old Son. Bought a house in January. Good job as a Diesel Mechanic, and I still struggle with everything you mentioned. But I truly believe Accepting Responsibility is what men need. And it’s helped me. Thank you for making this. I needed that. You’re the Man.
The piece about why we do these things is interesting in that it's a lack of grounding resulting in various projections. Only when we can sit with our own thoughts and emotional experience without doing these things to ourselves (easier said than done) can we really show up this way in conversation! I heard the acronym in a support group once: no FRACKING - Fixing, Rescuing, Advising, Changing, Killing (their experience, i.e. invalidating). This video is a very accessible breakdown of these sneaky common habits!
😊 I get you, bc I do the same. My problem is absorbing the bs, and then I get angry out of nowhere bc of what someone said yesterday to me, last week, or even last year. So I’ve learned to walk away from bs, OR calmly speak the truth to that person & then walk away.✌🏼
@@jrs2024 it's bs all the way down buddy. We bs ourselves all the time. It's what keeps our fragile minds from shattering. Gotta let go of it all. You have to set boundaries of course, don't let others bs ruin your life.
“my name has been Lewis” 😂 quote of the video. but nah fr when you said “if you praise and expect something in return that’s a transaction, not a praise.” i was like damnnnnn bars😭
We all like to think that we live by the golden rule of treating others how we want to be treated, but all of that goes out the window when it comes to everyday social interactions.
You make me realise that people actually tolerate me more that they probably should. I rarely seek comfort from people so when they come to me I am not very good at holding space. You are absolutely right about not wanting to be emotionaly involved because I don't. I can try but when people have endless things to vent it becomes exhausting. I will end up needing to vent and I don't have anyone else. I suppose I could see a therapist. Anyway thanks for the thought provoking video.
Best explanation on why reassurance is invalidating. Felt this my whole life but haven't had a good way of articulating it. It is not at all being with the person it's saying time to move on.
It's 4 AM and I haven't slept well, so please bear with me. I completely understand the need to share difficulties, especially when dealing with complex emotions-sometimes just having someone listen can be incredibly comforting. The wrong words can easily make someone feel as though their struggles are entirely their fault or a result of incompetence. However, it can become a bit tiresome when a person repeatedly brings up the same problem without any intent to work toward a solution. If it's the first time they're discussing a particular issue, I can empathize with their need for support. But when they revisit the same concern multiple times within the same group of friends, it starts to feel burdensome and repetitive.
@@SamanthaManning-xy8fu If they do that they probably don’t realize it and are possibly dealing with some level of PTSD. And too, issues don’t always just quickly go away.
I objected to my BFFs constant diverting and she decided we couldn't be friends anymore!! I was briefly crushed, now fine and hoping she finds her way back. Love your work, thanks so much for your amazing work 😀
Thank you for this video. I put one of these into practice today at work. At first I caught myself doing the old behavior and stopped instantly. I let my co-workers talk without butting in to tell them my experience. It was nice to hear what they had to say. I just didn’t feel the need to go any further and I love that. Thanks!
When people limit or label me, all I hear, rather than the label really, is that they are telling me they are a labeler. So I will call them out on it, turn the tables, and trap them in their own energy. They can misjudge me all they want. Trying to accept and live with everybody's misjudgment is nearly impossible, but trying to change everybody else so that they don't label you is literally impossible.
The name calling one is so real. I always wondered why I was such an underachiever as a kid when my mom and other adults constantly labeled me smart/"gifted". I always had a suspiscion that maybe since I had so many of these labels at this point, I assumed I could sit back and not really put my brain into anything since I'm apparently so intelligent. That didn't work, and instead of picking myself up, I kept their labels on and made myself discouraged since "I should know what to do, I'm smart!" I didn't do anything about it because why would I reject a compliment? I would really liked to have heard actual examples from the people that considered me smart like you mentioned, especially since I had literally no clue what they were talking about.
I wish people acknowledged the earthly aspects of themselves instead of just undermining their boundaries for the sake of spirituality. Spirituality should be about exploring the truths you hold in store and what you wish for, not just about being open to everything you hear and forsaking your boundaries, but that is my desire
Since reading Meditations and being much more self-aware, it's rather easier to reflect on, and evaluate the conversations I have with people, I discovered that I prevent talking too much, or things that they would feel uncomfortable. For Pt. 9, I give advices because I genuinely want to help them, never thought that it could appear as insulting to the other party. Great video!
I was wanting to say this. Manipulation is inherently neutral. This is why we talk about manipulating a spoon to eat food. Manipulating something or someone is just handling them/it with skill. The definition is very simple. Everything we do is manipulation.
In case it’s not obvious, it is ok to give advice when advice is specifically requested. It is still important to come from a humble place when giving the advice, IMO.
I can’t imagine telling my friend how bad my day has been and they respond with, I’m here to listen. I would think they are not interested in helping me. It feels like they are saying, blah blah blah
I used to always tell my ex girlfriend “you should sleep earlier.” “You should save more money.” She accepted my expectation of her on the outside but internally she felt like i wanted to change her. One day when i suggested she goes to sleep earlier she said its her life and not mine. This was almost half a year ago but now im finally learning from this that if your values dont align with someone elses, respect that and let them do what pleases them. Now i feel the only time you should suggest a change in someones behavior (instead of framing it as a change in THEM), it should be when they negatively affect you
There have always been toxic people, we are just now better at identifying them, hence why there's suddenly more of them. But ofc the word toxic can still be overused and or abused, but generally I've seen it used more correctly than not
How refreshing! 12 of all the reasons I avoid talking to people as much as possible. Some oeople's conversation consist of nothing but personal remarks. And then they add on criticism, judgement and frankly idiotic advice. Pure waste of time for me. It doesn't feel like having a human interaction at all. I have a chronic illness which means that people simply HAVE to tell me it is all in my mind and how I should think my self healthy. Naturally I am the bad one if I tell them they are an idiot. I'm always expected to patiently listen to their fantasies around health and illness with me as the example of wrong thinking. When I meet people I like meeting them in the moment, find their strength and happy place and then go on to talk about the fine and interesting things we could go on to in the future. Of course I listen without judging if someone has problems or is sad.
Holy shit I literally do all of this!! I think I may be a narcissist :(. And I think this is why my girlfriend says she doesn’t feel at ease around me or that she doesn’t like my personality :(. You gave me some good advice. I’m gonna try to change these things before I cook my entire relationship. Subscribed.
Interesting points, definitely relatable by many means 🤔 but I disagree with your last one.. I think you're mistaking reassurance for "diversion" here. To me, proper reassurance can make or break the attitude of a situation. Something like "Don't worry, we'll make it through this" can offer the confidence to continue when defeat is more obvious. Sometimes, it can be a good thing to "stop feeling what we're feeling" when it's simply not fruitful and we otherwise rely on the charisma of our company to jog us out of a funk. It is important to experience our emotions, certainly. In my experience, I've gotten stuck in some negative spirals and have felt very thankful to have someone give me reassurance to knock me out of it. That's actually been a core theme for me lately, is finding opportunities to offer reassurance and inspire collective growth 😄
In defense of robots. I must say that almost all of the mistakes or toxic things mentioned seem to be the most logical course of action. Perhaps there are more problems in the receiving people than in the transmitters of these "toxic things" I'm not saying it's wrong to expect comfort, support, approval, affection... But most of those "toxic things" are really a search, exploration, experimentation and collaboration towards the TRUTH and SOLUTION of real problems. The fault may not be in these "toxic" actions. But in the inability to receive constructive criticism, precise diagnosis, well-founded objections and in general everything that suggests changing something about one's self-image, self-esteem or ego.
The issue is addressing these directly, unsolicited, is counterproductive to inspiring change in others. People kinda have to choose to change of their own accord; being too direct triggers ego defenses and “blinds” others.
We do not have to answer everyone who tries to strike up a conversation with us while we are only trying to walk down the street too. Nor do we have to walk at the same slow pace that everybody else is there at the time.
So basically we should yellowrock people, instead of engaging or resolving. Sounds like toxic positivity, or a very zenful approach to life, if one can disabuse themselves from it altogether
Finally someone understands me, I had my suspicions regarding positive praising, (with an attachment) something my partner does to me. But trying to explain to someone who doesn’t get it, it just looks like I’m paranoid. A true praise without an attachment has a different energy.
@NewelOfKnowledge to Number 10 there is a 4'th reason: the person is to overwhelmed by their own problems, they feel triggered by almost everything and can't focus on anything else. Unfortunately this condition exists and can even stay for years
I can vividly remember of giving advice to people back then, turns out it wasn’t gonna fix the majority of a situation. Also, the habit that I say to myself is using “should” and intellectualizing my problems because I thought that I should label the things that happened to me. I am slowly unlearning this way of saying to myself.
Also, I dont see anything bad in saying "you will stop doing it or I’ll leave you" because I actually mean it and I don’t wanna this attitude in my life and if someone is not respecting my boundaries, I’m not gonna tolerate it. And that happens mostly people I don’t really know like small talks in a club, because I won’t let such people close to me at all. But I never know, everything can happen. About word "should": I also actively protesting about using it because it’s really pressuring me when someone says me what they should do. I never listen to this. BUT I moved to Germany recently and I see that it’s just a part of their culture to give such unsolicited advice with this word "should". I also actively hate it but we can’t change the whole nation. They are like very rational and most of them are saying "if I hear about the problem, I’m trying to help and solve it."
If I gave every human 1 second of my time/life I would have to live to over 230 years old, provided I took no time off for sleeping, going to the bathroom, eating... For me, I just choose who I care to chat with and I skip almost everyone else. My time is incredibly valuable to me.
Point 10 Diverting. Autistic people get accused of doing this, but the motivation is very different from what was described here. From an Autistic perspective, the purpose of mentioning one’s own similar experience is to provide credentials, with the intention of letting the person know that they understand and may have experiential insight into the person’s issue so that the person can feel safe opening up about their experience, and perhaps learn from each other’s perspectives. The idea of making themselves the centre of attention or talking about themselves to make the subject about themselves is anathema to Autistic people in most instances. There is no wish to engage in any kind of one-upmanship as described here. The purpose is to relate and be relatable. It’s more like, “Oh, I’ve had a similar experience, here’s an example as evidence of that, you are safe talking to me because I won’t judge you negatively because that would be hypocritical”, rather than “My experience is worse than yours, you should listen to me instead”.
Absolute gems to live by. Why is it so hard to communicate like this to everyone all the time? Well I would first have to have a high regard for others and become authentically gentle and humble myself. Isn't that what life is meant to teach me? Deep thanks to you Louis!
Hey, this is a really excellent video. I love your candid honesty for real. The thing is though, the last one is rough, reassurance. I 1 hundred percent agree with you that, when you are saying to people: don’t feel what you feel ~ that is absolutely true and I’m so glad that I watched your video to be reminded of that. But also, when you talk to people that are getting older, and they look back in time, they really enjoy those moments when there were people there that said, “hey, it’s going to be OK. “ You know because the universe can be chaotic and anxious and mean …stressful etc. if we’re lucky, someone with a strong spirit …somebody brings a little bit of light in there, and you delight in that and are thankful that it didn’t get darker.
There’s this guy I’ve been talking to but didnt really like him for some reason, and I finally found the reason, he somehow does every single one of these things 😭😭
Conversely, my girlfriend ABIDES by all of these rules and I hate that. When I'm venting I want her advice. I value her advice. But she refuses to give it -- all I get is "that must be hard". It feels unhelpful to me. I would love her to share a similar time in her life to comfort me, or offer some solutions I might have not thought of. Moreover, even the conversation itself can help me think of the solutions I need. I don't like being on the receiving end of this "giving space" stuff, as crazy as it sounds.
That's so weird! My parents have always used "2 spiders" for the exact same reason. It came from a situation where an individual proclaimed he had "two spiders in the bath" as a way to divert from a friend's arachnid in a tub story 😂
There is ONE person who it is very, very useful to criticize - yourself. That's the whole reason I subscribed to this channel. It can also be useful to ALLOW someone you respect and admire to judge you, if you take that judgment seriously.
But it’s true that you only criticize people for what you hate about yourself. You don’t have any emotional reaction to people doing things that you are okay with in yourself. You’re only emotionally triggered and critical of others actions when they are things you struggle with yourself. It’s safer for the ego to deal with issues for other people than itself. It’s a cute little defense mechanism. Everyone should check in with themselves and what they don’t like and change that part of themselves. It’s amazing, once you change yourself, that stuff just doesn’t bother you when others do it! Because you were never hating / angry / critical of that other person- what that other person was doing was just reminding you what you hated about yourself 🤯
@@alumsdizzle Bullshit. You see someone beat on their child, you tell them it's not okay. That's not predicated on you having done it yourself and hating yourself for it - quite the opposite. There is such a thing as right and wrong.
I don't know about hate but we tend to be harsher on ourselves than others. If we said to others what we say to ourselves. Giving compliments to others not giving the same to ourselves for the same achievement. For example
@@SpaghettiToasteryes, obviously. We are not talking about that here. We are talking about general conversation and connection with others here. Not actual hate crimes and abuse. We are trying to connect on how not to be the toxic people here. It’s pretty obvious you shouldn’t beat your kids. I mean, there’s laws for that..
Projections happen with both negative and positive experiences. You transfer your own reality without any filters to the outside world, building an external truth based on your own personal characteristics. Go ahead and do a little bit of research on the law of mirroring and you’ll find many psychological studies that affirm that your exterior acts as a mirror for your mind. It all boils down to your psyche protecting itself but also trying to help yourself grow into a better person :) ego science my friends!
This is huge! You've expressed such a massive landscape of understanding through these tendencies. Each one represents its own short-circuiting of our relational abilities. It all comes back to our own psyche - insecurity, need for control, and shame attempting to take the wheel in our conversations.
I was worried that I will find out I'm toxic in conversations, but honestly all of these points were pretty obviously toxic to me, nothing new. I'm feeling proud of myself
I’m so happy there are people out there who understand this and talk like this intuitively! I grew up with a narcissist mom and the praising thing to manipulate was unfortunately picked up by me. Now I actively hold back my compliments if I realize it’s because I want something. I also am super emotional so it’s hard to not to give solutions because I don’t like to be so vulnerable but it’s dismissive of other people’s feelings not to sit with them in their feelings too
Your channel has been super helpful for me getting through some drama in my friend group. I’ve found my listening skills have gotten much better and I felt I was much more capable of handling the situation with mature conversation! Appreciate you big dog 💪
Praising an employee evaluatively may be considered feedback. “When you delivered this report on time it really help our team, please try to keep doing that “
Thank you tom hardy 😭❤️ Im really glad i found your channel. I wasnt able to communicate why i dont get on with my mother n law and intuitively i knew something was wrong. She does all these things.
Labeling is toxic. The energy of it stick on their spirit...even if you have never said it to their face it is out there and their growth is hindered. It is hard as we are only human but this is probably the most important.
Really helpful, Newell, thank you! My only contribution is to say that within listening there is a universe of options for asking questions that help the speaker process further and come away feeling less stuck, without you as the listener having offered advice. Completely passive listening can enable a toxic person to run all over you, abuse your time, and transgress boundaries. Good questions can help an emotional person find their footing, hear themselves talk, and consider other perspectives without you the listener telling them what to think.
A clinical psychologist said to me that I was a great listener. I basically just listen with nodding. And I do that because I don't possess the language skills to talk back or ask questions etc 😂, and that turned out to be in my favour as a listener 😅
dunno if you're trolling but he specifically said that if the other person approaches you and shows strong emotion (like sadness, anger, etc.), you just need to listen to them emphatically. reflect their thoughts to them to let them know that you understand them. if they ask for your opinion or advice, that's the time you open your mouth.
All these points are extremely helpful. I have done all of these throughout my life and have found out the hard way that if you truly want to help people, you have to let them choose their journey. Being a silent observer who becomes a rock during trouble has been better for me. It's just hard in practice (pun intended)
Long story. My nephew has always been heavy. My mom doesn’t pay much attention to her grandchildren. Recently we went to a family gathering and my mom had been told that my nephew had lost a lot of weight. When she saw him, she made this huge deal about how he looks normal now, etc. The message I got was, “only skinny people are worthy of praise “. So what’s she going to say if he gains some of it back? Yes, praise can be toxic.
You heard "only skinny people are worthy of praise", but that doesn't mean your mother believes that. Certainly if she ONLY praises people on their appearances it's possible, but most people have a more complex outlook on the world.
@@lithelily Nah. She said her mother doesn't pay much attention to her grandchildren. But on this occasion she made a big point of doing so. - Based only on his appearance.
I mean it depends on why she's happy that they're normal. If it's for say, idk social status, having nice fit grandchildren then sure that's toxic. On the other hand, if its from a place of being happy that the nephew is healthier now, has normal health/not overweight with problems, then it's great. Honestly, losing weight is a big deal and should be encouraged.
As someone that has lost a nice amount of weight and finally became physically fit, I have heard many such "complements" I have given some doozies, but I feel that most were said as genuine gestures of good will! Weight loss is a tricky thing to complement in another person. I really struggle with this as well.
This is tough though. Sometimes people actually want advice. And sometimes we offer advice not out of a sense of superiority but, rather, because simply saying "I hear ya" sounds cold and uncaring. I think a lot of guys tend to offer solutions because we lack other ways to show compassion.
That's basically how to talk to a child, how sad this society is, when you come to realize that emotions are automatic responses you have programmed into you to automate the process of life and liberate your focus to you know, focus on what's in front of you. Then you realize, you can reprogram the whole thing and never have to worry about anything, least of all petty discussions with people being their own problems. Yes, that means nobody will like you ever because they are all children and they hate the adult in the room. Let us all be children, let us eat cake past midnight, wraaaaawaaaaa! That's people in a nut shell. So just take a good look at any emotion you have, why you have them, and then proceed to change them so that you may react in a better way from now on. Observe yourself feel, where they are coming from, why they are there, it is all pure 100% logic, emotions are pure logic, strict logic, same as a computer. So when it says, if (drop an object) then(feel that the object is falling) to (try to catch it) Then you see that it is all an automated process because life happens so fast, you don't have time to think, you have to act now. Same thing if (I throw you a ball) then((you feel the feel of catching it) or (try to block it because you don't have time to catch anymore, or because you didn't program that emotional response of catching the ball yet) or ( try to dodge it because you have not programmed the other two responses yet) then (do the programmed response) So you see, your emotions are the system that automates your reactions, it is a conditional system fully built by you, only you. Just because you took some from other people who conditioned you to react a certain way, which we all have, because that's what society does to us, and it's a good thing, you are born into this set of situations, you will learn this set of behavior that reacts according to those situations. The problem lies with corruption, when we program our youth to react a certain way in an attempt to control them and make them do something that benefits us and not them. It's what is happening, this is why people react the way they do, they have been programmed for control and obedience and as such there are subroutines in place in the programming that prevents the user from seeing the true reason for their automatic responses. It is your duty to let go of the original corrupted programming, basically uninstall the malware in your mind, and then reprogram with responses that you judge appropriate for any given situation. If you have read this, congratulation, you are one step closer to reaching adulthood, cheerio, much love babye.
Our "destinies" have always been determined within the context of a society and a social circle and with the expectation of their approval or friction. This is even what gives genuine rebels and visionaries their ruggedness, forces them to to justify and refine their opposition. This advice is simply meek, retreating subservience.
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Addressing 5 criticisms to the video:
(And apologies for spelling ‘criticising’ wrong in point 1 - I left it up so I could spew in the discomfort of my perfectionism as an attempt to stop being a perfectionist. Fuck it we ball.)
Criticism 1:
1.) "If all of these behaviours are "toxic" then what are we meant to say? Just stand there and be silent?"
Response 1:
- It's not for me to say what you want or value in your relationships, but if what you want is to better support those you care about and to permit others to grow in your presence, then not doing these 12 things will help you do so.
- And the last time I checked "just stand there and be silent" is called listening. And that's usually what you do when someone you care about is talking or venting.
- Finally, throughout the video I give many examples of what you could say (10:28).
Criticism 2:
2.) "This is just a woke conversation."
Response 2:
- Fuck woke culture. I hate it. Walking on egg shells around people for fear of offending them. Sod that for a laugh.
- So not doing these 12 things doesn't mean you tone down your authentic voice in conversations and don't say things you want to - this does more harm than good. If you want to voice an opinion, voice it. I have plenty of videos on how to do that.
Criticism 3:
3.) "Sometimes giving people advice is good + I know countless people who have been helped by reassurance."
Response 3:
- I agree. There have been numerous times throughout my life when someone has reassured me or given me advice and it's helped.
- But ask people if they want your advice before you give it.
- And only reassure people after they've emotionally vented - this way you avoid signalling "stop feeling what you're feeling."
Criticism 4:
4.) "Jheese, modern conversations are so hard. It seems no matter what we do we'll always put a foot wrong."
Response 4:
- The tips mentioned aren't for "modern conversations". The book I used to get this information from was published in 1979.
- We're not perfect. Our social skills will never be flawless. We're going to do these 12 things countless times throughout our lives (17:48). But the less the better if what we want is to better support and connect with others.
Criticism 5:
5.) "Dude, you're moralising us about not moralising other people. And you're giving us advice on not giving other people advice."
Response 5:
- The difference between a real life conversation and a youtube video is that at any point you can turn the youtube video off. So I'm not giving you advice, I'm suggesting things that you have the choice to listen to or not. Don't like what I'm saying? Shut my annoying moustached bald ass up by turning off the video.
- Regarding me moralising you about not moralising other people, this will sound like the biggest cop out ever, but sometimes information needs to be delivered in a paradoxical way. It's a contradiction yes, but how else could I have delivered the message? (if you have an idea, I'd love to hear it).
Thank you for your time and attention.
I'm happy to hear any counter arguments you have to these below.
Lewis
"shut my annoying moustached baldass up" 😭 damn.
Good video, Lewis! I appreciate your answers to the (possible) criticisms. When I read your statement, "The tips mentioned aren't for "modern conversations". The book I used to get this information from was published in 1979," I had to giggle, I was about your age in 1979. I'm still learning, and trying to grow. I find that to keep up with how the culture around me is changing, I need to listen more to (much) younger people. :-)
Would it be alright to ask for the title of the book from 1979 please? You've done an excellent job of synthesizing it to video form - I thoroughly enjoyed the depth and brevity of each point. However, I would like to read further on this topic. Thank you so much.
This just shows that a perfect empathetic listener is an empty bottle. I doubt you will have time but just posted my 1st video on my midlife crisis please give me advice about my toxic behaviour. Oh no you cannot do that (advice?)
@@pastelbow-s2l Thanks :) and the book is People Skills by Robert Bolton
Damn. Now all my conversations at this point are gonna essentially be, "Yeah, I hear ya. That sounds difficult."
Sucks that it works
Plus funny remarks or impressions of actors. Sucks really.
and "What did you have for breakfast?"
That's a bit fake sounding tbh, this dude is not making any sense 😆
Just be you homie
Bro, but it works tho.
I tend to zone out a lot, because I am very consumed with my own thoughts. I have very elaborate thoughts that im dreadfully incapable of explaining to people.
I've developed a "Yeah...", "uh huh", "dang...", "hmm?", and *gives quizzical look* response system based on reading others body language for myself that I default to if I start zoning out on a conversation.
People. Eat. It. Up.
The more "engaged" I try to be with people, the less they enjoy conversation; most people just want to talk. That's it.
They aren't interested in getting responses. They just want to talk.
If you can stomach it, let them. Employ a "zoned out" technique like I described above, and they'll think you're the best "conversationalist" ever.
Golden rule = "The more you talk, the more nonsense you will say"
Actually the less you talk the less you learn about how to interact with people by the way (coming from experience)
Hey so remember what I said earlier? Ok maybe it's better to me to isolate myself from others because bro-
God gave you 2 ears and 1 mouth!
@@Deletedchannel-jv9rr See what I mean ? 😁
@dimitristripakis7364 yeah sure being non-verbal till the point that people think I'm crazy and getting threatened to send to another school not being able to keep friendships or any ships in general wow what a great thing 😀
My mantra is "the most valuable thing you can contribute to a conversation is your attention" and I forget it almost every time I talk to someone.
Mantar not mantra
@@ManjeetKour-nu1zq as I understand it, ‘mantra’ is Sanskrit and Hindi, used in Hinduism, while ‘mantar’ is Punjabi or Urdu, as used in Sikhi. From your name I assume you are Sikh? Are both correct?
@@Fredreegz mantar is used in hindi and sanskrit mostly Western and Britishers added 'a' like Shiva it's shiv in hindi Deva it's dev in hindi and sanskrit and dharma it's dharm all of these are used in bhagvat gita the utmost hindu scripture britishers used 'a' after hindi because it was dificult to pronounce south indian still use it because hindi is not known there for them they using A after hindi terms is cool but it's just the English term of hindi sentences and yes I am a sikh
@@ManjeetKour-nu1zq I assumed that as classical Sanskrit developed into Prakrit languages words and sounds changed slightly, and some final vowels were lost. Similar changes have taken place in the development of Persian/Farsi and in European languages. I thought modern Indian languages like Hindi or Punjabi dropped these old Sanskrit final vowels. Like ‘rām/rāma/ is just written राम rather than राम् with a viraam?
me too 😂😂
Everything depends on the person listening.
Some need a hug, some need a slap.
Honestly
Omg!! This man is so beautiful!! I want to put my face next to the arch of his foot!!
Yup!!!!
I need both!
I can resonate with needing a slap in the past but my friends were all supportive and understanding which only resulted in me taking way longer to get out of a situation than it should’ve
I teach public school. Sometimes children share with me very personal things. I often just say, "That sounds so difficult, thank you for telling me what's going on." Sometimes I really don't know what else to say, but that seems to be helpful, without interfering in their sharing.
I had a 5th grade teacher who I remember sat with me on at least one occasion (possibly more) and listened to me tell her about my older brother who’d first spent a year in Vietnam, was shot, recovered and best as I can recall he went back.
Then he signed up again and was stationed in the USA. During the USA station he had to defend his life by taking someone else’s during an attack on him.
He went on trial and was acquitted. My mother was gone out of state, to be there for his trial. Etc.
And this teacher sat with me, I guess must have been during the latter part of our lunch hour. I can remember going into a lot of detail and how interested she seemed. It must have helped me a lot. I can’t recall anything she might have said. She was was very pretty, ladylike, young, and had manners. I still remember her high hairdo, done up on top of her head. Always thought it looked so nice.
She was the only adult who really listened to me to that extent.
That is also the type of response one would expect from a large corporation's customer care department
@@tommyshanks4198Indeed, it becomes more CYA…may as well talk to an AI.
That smacks of cowardice and ineptitude.
@@tommyshanks4198people often go to their friends to have someone to listen, not implicitly asking advice. But when people go to customer service, even if they actually want to just vent, the cultural expectation is solutions, explanations, and compensation. So one style of listening does not work well for both teachers and customer service
“Diagnosing is avoidance of listening”…. Thank you, I needed to hear that, I’m going to chew on it for a while!
This one echoed in me as well. Even though I do not say it to people, I am always secretly diagnosing and making psychological evaluations about them in my head. It is a complete barrier that I put between me and the other person.
@@Juanah92Unless you are a trained psychologist, you can't make psychological evaluations.
What you actually do is a comparison between other people's opinions and yours. It is called judgement.
Someone who do not agree with your ideas or beliefs (right or wrong) you discard.
You just do what human beings have done for milennia, but using contemporary filters.
The problem in the West is that religion was substituted by ideologies, which are the same but do not require to believe in a supreme being.
Now, these ideologies accomodate to the will of the people in power. They take the young generations and make them believe whatever suits the purpose of this power.
These ideologies are your filters and they influence your judgement. If these ideologies become who you are, you become a fanatic, that repeats like a parrot the teachings received...until you get life experience enough to see out of your tunnel vision.
Real knowledge comes from observing real life as it unfolds, not from someone so young, as the author of this video, that only repeats and racionalises the ideology he's been tought.
I've had multiple therapists and I've left therapists before for jumping too quickly to diagnosing rather than asking questions to understand the issue. It's even less appropriate to diagnose in everyday situations... but sometimes it can be hard to avoid speculating internally
Growing up in a dysfunctional family, I didn't learn how to communicate my feelings or how to listen when other people communicate theirs. I still struggle with difficult conversations and conflict avoidance. I'm now 64 and still learning. Thank you, Lewis, for your help.
You aren't alone. But as he said, we're a process, not a product. ❤
@@jessicagreen1876 the process is made more difficult if we're not given the correct tools when we're children and many of us don't even realise how unprepared we are. It's never too late to start the journey. 🙂
Yes. Can relate.
You may benefit from "Nonviolent Communication". I am reading right now about connecting compassionately with ourselves so our inner dialogue is not so self critical.
He's right, for those of us who study psychology, it is hard not to diagnose people, but we must avoid it because it's not our place and no one likes it
And 9 times out of 10 the person who doing the diagnosing is the one with the most problems
@@knulldestroyed3081true. Usually it’s projection of their own issues like you saud
Psychology is an absolutely worthless field of study.
I was talking to a woman from Bumble the other day. Very early in the conversation she said "Are you OCD?" I told her that was a very unusual question, to begin with, a person cannot be a disorder
If this is the kind of thinking they're promoting in classrooms, I would say they're not really teaching psychology. Her social error clearly demonstrated that she didn't know fundamental things about relating to people, which means that she likely doesn't understand people.
I don't know what to call that, but I wouldn't call it psychology
@@TheParadiseParadoxpeople want to put you in a box within 5 minutes of starting a conversation. It sucks. Don't label people! But not doing so takes work and most of us are guilty of being lazy conversationalists.
For some reason, this video gives me the impression that talking to people is such a hard task… You gotta be aware of every single word you say 😳
Makes sense if we weren't taught this... Imagine if we learned how to communicate properly at a young age, that would be awesome.
I think we need to learn to be very good listeners and be able to hold space for them, especially to the people we care about. When it gets tricky though is when this behaviour isn't reciprocated. When you are the one feeling emotional and your friend then reacts with either of the ''dirty 12 of communication''.
it’s a minefield
Yeah dude wtf treating the people in our lives with decency is such a hard task >:(
Yes.
"When you wag your finger at someone...there are three fingers pointed towards YOU" --- gold. Great video.
You’ve never heard this before? It’s a golden oldie 😁
What about that "Stay disciplined, playful and dangerous"? I wrote that down -- It's my new motto.
@@ridzyr03 I keep seeing this happening in irl metaphorically ofcourse, its a classic one
Yeah, this explains why I have such impossibly high standards for myself. i give too much advice and hold myself to it too because I don't want to be a hypocrite
@@TheCorty
Me, and it turns out that I am missing experiences in life.
I’m an autistic adult and I have a fix-it logical solution checking compulsion when hearing about anyone’s problems including when I had friends. I wouldn’t mind if anyone analysed solutions to my problems along with me. If I’d just want to express my sadness about a problem, then I’m explicitly state that I have my „solution spreadsheet plan” and not seeking ideas.
As an autistic person I like to communicate needs clearly.
And that's a problem, to many people. I am neurodiverse too and I have gotten better at not giving unwanted solutions to others. In fact, we (neurodiverse people) can come across as explicitly and extremely toxic to others, precisely because of these kinds of ingrained mannerisms or vices. However, they are not predeterminations. With some work, I have been able to improve these 'issues'.
“My name’s been Lewis, it’ll always be Lewis, and it’s worked out pretty well so far.”
Freudian slip
Maybe he will change name or gender 🙃
His uncousiousness is calling 🫥
@@Vulpes_VerbalisHope he wont answer it. Wouldn't want a coma.
Give this man a new marker. He deserves it.
And a thumbs-up for a sharp dressed man!
It must be pink then
😂😂😂
@@umestudies5337 I actually wondered why he used a red marker.
It's a thin ice, this topic, because each of these things can be done healthily, and toxically. For example, the threatening: you could hold the relationship hostage like you ilustrated, or you could set a boundary, saying: "If you continue to behave this way, I'll feel unloved and disrespected." and it still could be considered a threatening manipulation/conditional love. At the end of it, it boils down to how mature the person you're talking to is.
Yup, learning this process with my teen. What a crazy phase.. to be a parent of a teen with strong verbal emotions. Patience is an understatement! 🙏🏼
Or it comes to how able you are to control your desire. If you can't be with that person without resorting to little threats or blackmails, then the most honest option is go separate ways or reduce interaction to a level that it does not require resorting to manipulation.
@@carloscabrera1912 A valid point, although I was trying to illustrate how what people perceive is outside of our hands. Interpretation is left to the listener, even if you communicate in a way that's widely considered to be healthy(setting a boundary). Therefore this video should be taken with a grain of salt.
This is what I was just thinking !!💖the great thing though about conversations and humans is that there are different ideas and opinions on how we work. The way you treat one person and or how you act with someone ) changes : elders, best friends, kids and strangers💖
Love the way you stated the boundary with non-violent communication ❤
Ever since i found your channel, my life has changed for the best. I'm now more socially adept, and the credit goes to you. I talk to people more often and have let go of my fear of starting conversations with new people. Thank you so much man, i'm extremely grateful
No it hasn't. You just feel good while watching the video.
@@bojohannesen4352 you clearly havent started watching his videos then 😅
Ah man, this is what makes it all worthwhile! I’m glad to hear that comrade :) keep up the good work! I’m proud of you.
Ps. Ignore the negative comment above us 💪🏻
This man is so beautiful!! I want to put my face next to the arch of his foot!!
Same here. Really great information
12:34 sharing experience is a form of advice, nothing wrong in helping a friend to live through a breakup by pointing out the relevant rights and wrongs of your past breakups. People don't want advice, but they love insight. And what matters is not what you're bringing to the table - but how you're serving it.
Yeah, advice and insight, I usually get one when I want the other - both ways round.
I used to think that briefly sharing a similar or relatable experience would help connect and show the person that I heard them. But it doesn't. They perceive it as oh now you're making it about you. So I never ever do that any more. Convo is so tricky, I, too, since covid, pretty much just avoid anything other than stock greetings because everyone seems so poised to take everything in the worst possible way.
@@ColleenKitchen to confuse you more, I'm a person who feels better hearing somebody share a similar experience. It affirms me they empathized enough to remember a situation of their own, that they were listening to me, I get to hear a different approach or point of view of a similar problem and I get to not feel alone. So it really does the depend on the person. I do agree that some people take everything in the worst way, so unfortunately we have to thread carefully in conversation sometimes
@@amemocci3580I agree. It feels like someone isn’t listening/caring much when they just say, “oh that must be hard for you” or similar things. I feel embarrassed that I said anything then and come away feeling even worse and like it’s hard to find someone else to relate to properly. If I’m going to the trouble of telling someone how I’m struggling then I’m looking for someone’s perspective and want to see if they’ve had any relatable experiences.
YES
Ngl, his mustache made me want him to be wrong, but this guy is full of wisdom, learned a lot thank you! 😂
I like his mustache!
He does have a slight semblance to Hyphonix. At first I felt like I'd showed up to class, this was the sub, and the professor would soon be found tied up in the supply closet.
Telling me how I SHOULD interact with others is messing with my DESTINY
Exactly!
Following these “skills” can lead to people pleasing and prevent authentic interactions.
The video forget to mention that being a “good listener” and “holding space” often attracts people who talk about themselves excessively.
@@sifulam7967 Word!
And you can actually end up enabling that person, like if say one person feels better by talking to you about their problems, to the point that they just talk to you about their problems instead of fixing them.
Then you can enable them in their self-chosen suffering and victomhood (which some often do because at some point in their life they gained from it, like they only got attention when they were sad or hurt. Some even go so far as doing it for pity to manipulate someone.
He's talking about people you want to make/ keep a connection with. Not toxic people.
It is good advice, you dont need to apply it in every single convo, but knowing and applying it will be beneficial. He even mentions early on that sometimes you wont like what a person grows into if you let them grow.
Some friendships will benefit from applying these often, but always being so dedicated to appeasing others in the convo is a lot of effort on many people who arent worth it
Hee
I knew this when I was 12 years old. But now I’m 62 and have experienced a lot of shitt and have been judged so much that I started to do it myself. It’s such a dirty circle of ugly feelings.
So sorry.... 😪
I relate so deeply. Thank you for sharing
🙏🕊️
Great message
There's something far more toxic than judging; pretending you don't make judgements.
What do you mean by that?
"You're narrow minded.... no I'm not judging you."
@@OmniSphinx"You're arguing... I'm not."
@@antiprismatic Oh right. Thanks. I hate that because they're intentionally are judging but trying to make me look like the crazy one which they continue to judge as well. It's messed up.
@@OmniSphinx I dont know what it is or how it comes about or how the person can do it?! It is so bold faced!!!! Maybe they honestly feel as though they are not judging but just stating a fact?! Weird. I'm trying to search my conscious and unconscious intentions to see how that state of duplicity exists.
Maybe something like, "oh you have blonde hair, I'm not judging you"
I think it is just people observing and witnessing so much that they feel they are objective?!
I hope to get closer to understanding it!!!! It is miserable. It definitely a trauma based response and reaction unless the person is capable of owning prefacing and amending what is being said. Hmmmm
Labeling people really hit home for me. I made this HUGE mistake with my son. I thought that I was being a good mother by reminding him how smart he was daily. I thought this was an encouraging statement, but I am afraid it made him fearful of failure. He is a grown now, with a career that did not require formal training or education in which he could have easily accomplished. I am deeply proud of him in every way. He is an outstanding person on every level, but I feel that by labeling him "smart" I may have stunted his educational dreams.
Well said!
I felt this growing up. I didnt want to fail my label and it made me stop trying hard things for fear of failure. With my kids i try to avoid that and just praise them with their efforts, something they can control instead.
Advice without a lot of questions first is what is so bad; not advice in and of itself but ill or uninformed advice. The best advice I’ve gotten was advice I’d not know to ask for.
Good stuff! I’m an old lady and it took me years to acquire this wisdom. I taught young children throughout my career and said, “Good job!” rather than, “Good girl/boy”. I remember my dad saying there were too many “shoulds” in the world, and in AA hearing, “Don’t ‘should’ on yourself or others.” Learning to listen, and these other skills you mention, mean I have to honestly ask myself, “Is this comment for them or me? So many times I would assert myself in a conversation and could trace it back to my own fears or insecurities. Now I say, “Just let them talk!” Not always easy!!
love your comment
I think I'll have to watch this video twice to remember everything. This video is a holy bible of respect in conversations
Well said!
It is easy. Do not speak again about other people...even if you are assaulted, robbed, etc. as you could estigmatize them for life.
And you do not want that, do you?.
Think about their destiny and your responsability.
Don't think about how they affected yours. That would be selfish.
How to avoid all this without sounding shallow...?? My girlfriend actually does that. she never judges, never gives advice, etc, but she sounds so shallow when she talks. she sound like ChatGPT and says stuff that is supposed to make you feel good but that doesn't help at all .
Maybe, if you have something judgemental to say, try to add that it's your opinion and you also migh be wrong, because you don't know everything, but you try to understand this person and the situatiion
Either accept its genuine or get used to not receiving encouragement or compliments bc those are your options
That's the price you pay for being "normal", normal = not interesting. You have to choose, do you want to be normal and tolerated by all or special and be hated by most? Your choice.
Lmaoo😂
I agree
As someone who is neurodivergent this is pretty helpful, it feels nice to know that I’m not doing everything wrong in social situations
@@user-bf3pc2qd9s agree, we 'neurotypical' are conditioned to be passive aggressive with layers of ulterior motives and double meanings
14:20 there's a fourth reason - they're trying to relate to the person talking. More common with certain neurodivergency. Although pointing out that there's no one size fits all for social dynamics is boilerplate, I feel compelled to bring this one up since it's affected people i care about plenty of times.
While there are very good points in here, I would say that there are definitely caveats to some of these. If someone is in an abusive relationship, saying "You should leave them" is absolutely fine. I worry, occaisionally, about how I communicate, just because i'm not a very talkative person, but I think communicating, regardless of how wrong or right it is perceived is important.
The whole world runs on our ability to communicate, and if we start to overthink it, we won't do it all
If someone is being abused, maybe the best approach is to use the Socratic method: that is, to ask them questions until the arrive at the answer (which is to break up with them).
Help them find the answer themselves.
@@user-bf3pc2qd9s Or maybe ask them if they have sought advice from any agency. If they haven't instead of should, "you could" or none of that and ask other open questions, do you want to get out of this relationship. Or the ultimate, is there anything I can do to help you, I'm always happy to listen but also happy to accompany you to...
I almost clicked away once I started bc I was like "I don't need to hear this" and then I was like, OMG everyone needs to hear this! Another fantastic video WOW!
And I just discovered why I was so “obstinate” as a a kid-I was reacting to how belittling and controlling my parents were, rather than things they would ask me to do.
There must be parents somewhere who ask their children what they want and how they feel.
Mine barked orders, answered any questions with Because I Say So, then stepped back and expected instant compliance.
And, years later, wondered why I didn't want to ask or tell them anything.
for some reason people have an above 90% wrong rate for diagnosing others, since we teach each other the most stupid reasons in pop culture and movies why people do stuff.
the "dont worry, youre overthinking, it will all be fine" is barely an attempt to make them stop feeling, its an attempt to make oneself feel better whilst not only ignoring the other persons emotion, but also sacrificing their physical safety. if someone says they lost their job, they might already be on the street with one leg or they wouldnt be so nervous that they rant to you that way, similar with when someone saying theyre scared of their tinder date.
in my experience, we should be proud for overthinking as long as it doesnt spiral into serious mental problems, instead of treating it like a bad thing and discouraging it.
I expected to find out I was the most toxic person ever when it comes to having a conversation but I'm glad to see I do none of these things when I talk to people, phew.
I have a sober bar here in Guadalajara and we have a lot of interesting conversations. Most of the time the conversations go well, but of course as you've pointed out there are a lot of ways things can go wrong
One of the things I said to the group today was "listen with your whole body".
When you listen with a tiny point of your brain, filtering things in a specific way, hearing in a specific way, responding in a specific ways, that's a kind of fanaticism. When you listen with the top of your chest, not wanting to go deep into the emotions which might be in the bottom of your chest or in your belly, that's evasion. Different combinations of these two errors result in most of the problems that you've described in this video.
When you listen with your whole body, you don't have to be tied down to a particular reaction, you can feel everything and so you can respond with the intelligence of the entire body. Things can be pretty simple in this way
This is an interesting point I had never thought of. Thank you
Wow. That sounds incredibly mindful! I’d like to try this from now on
Human behavior starts with judging everything. Tastes good, tastes bad. I like this , I don’t like that. We’re just fancy monkeys. We want what we want. Ponder this, if we all studied psychology, would we behave any differently? I don’t think so. We would just try to out psych each other.
The most terrible people in existence are fully up to date with all "information" like this and appeal to the most high-grade therapeutic new-speech as they cease thinking like actual human beings in relationships.
You’re absolutely right, couldn’t have said it better
@@Dystisis I dunno. I'm 60 years old and have lived a lot of life at this point. In life you'll find yourself doing and not doing all of the things our good TH-camr describes, so you do have exposure to these concepts from which to judge.
In my life, when I've screwed up in business, in relationships, in life in general, it was often screwing up in the ways he describes, and when things went well, it was often from behaving and communicating in the ways he endorses.
Some, understandably believe in simply acting without contemplation. And it's hard to argue that approach has not had its share of major victories.
But one of the things we learned about the reality of the world from.the revolution in physics over the last 150 years, is even the basic mechanics of the world does not behave in a way we can instinctively understand, particularly over scales different than the scales our natural perceptions developed for.
How much moreso is the case with our minds and the minds of others.
That said, the advice he presents does closely mirror the counsel of the greatest religions. It may be expressed by the presenter in ways easier for people of our culture and day to understand than in the Old Testament (which I read daily) or the Vedas (of which I have only read parts), but it is there.
In reality he presents ancient wisdom that people have to discover and rediscover in our own lives and our own life-settings.
I’m 23, Married, with a 2yr old Son. Bought a house in January. Good job as a Diesel Mechanic, and I still struggle with everything you mentioned. But I truly believe Accepting Responsibility is what men need. And it’s helped me. Thank you for making this. I needed that. You’re the Man.
Why would you marry your 2yo son?! 😜
@@TinZs1 Just seen that…These 14hr days are getting to me, Lol
The piece about why we do these things is interesting in that it's a lack of grounding resulting in various projections. Only when we can sit with our own thoughts and emotional experience without doing these things to ourselves (easier said than done) can we really show up this way in conversation!
I heard the acronym in a support group once: no FRACKING - Fixing, Rescuing, Advising, Changing, Killing (their experience, i.e. invalidating). This video is a very accessible breakdown of these sneaky common habits!
This is why I don't talk. I'm not gonna spend the mental energy to navigate this mind field. Going "hmm" and "oh?" Goes a long way for me.
😊 I get you, bc I do the same. My problem is absorbing the bs, and then I get angry out of nowhere bc of what someone said yesterday to me, last week, or even last year. So I’ve learned to walk away from bs, OR calmly speak the truth to that person & then walk away.✌🏼
@@jrs2024 it's bs all the way down buddy. We bs ourselves all the time. It's what keeps our fragile minds from shattering. Gotta let go of it all. You have to set boundaries of course, don't let others bs ruin your life.
@@jrs2024 Emotional Repression 101
I'm getting there myself.....
Same, it feels easier and no bs drama
“my name has been Lewis” 😂 quote of the video. but nah fr when you said “if you praise and expect something in return that’s a transaction, not a praise.” i was like damnnnnn bars😭
We all like to think that we live by the golden rule of treating others how we want to be treated, but all of that goes out the window when it comes to everyday social interactions.
You make me realise that people actually tolerate me more that they probably should. I rarely seek comfort from people so when they come to me I am not very good at holding space. You are absolutely right about not wanting to be emotionaly involved because I don't. I can try but when people have endless things to vent it becomes exhausting. I will end up needing to vent and I don't have anyone else. I suppose I could see a therapist. Anyway thanks for the thought provoking video.
Best explanation on why reassurance is invalidating. Felt this my whole life but haven't had a good way of articulating it. It is not at all being with the person it's saying time to move on.
9: The worst vice is advise. That one we have in Germany too: "Ratschläge sind Schläge" "Advice can be a slap in the face." 😊
It's 4 AM and I haven't slept well, so please bear with me.
I completely understand the need to share difficulties, especially when dealing with complex emotions-sometimes just having someone listen can be incredibly comforting. The wrong words can easily make someone feel as though their struggles are entirely their fault or a result of incompetence.
However, it can become a bit tiresome when a person repeatedly brings up the same problem without any intent to work toward a solution. If it's the first time they're discussing a particular issue, I can empathize with their need for support. But when they revisit the same concern multiple times within the same group of friends, it starts to feel burdensome and repetitive.
@@SamanthaManning-xy8fu
If they do that they probably don’t realize it and are possibly dealing with some level of PTSD. And too, issues don’t always just quickly go away.
13. Assuming that someone wants to sit and listen to you go on and on about your problems at a moment's notice. 😁
Excellent video that confirms my conviction that in the majority of cases the best thing to do is say nothing at all.
I objected to my BFFs constant diverting and she decided we couldn't be friends anymore!! I was briefly crushed, now fine and hoping she finds her way back. Love your work, thanks so much for your amazing work 😀
Thank you for this video. I put one of these into practice today at work. At first I caught myself doing the old behavior and stopped instantly. I let my co-workers talk without butting in to tell them my experience. It was nice to hear what they had to say. I just didn’t feel the need to go any further and I love that. Thanks!
When people limit or label me, all I hear, rather than the label really, is that they are telling me they are a labeler. So I will call them out on it, turn the tables, and trap them in their own energy. They can misjudge me all they want. Trying to accept and live with everybody's misjudgment is nearly impossible, but trying to change everybody else so that they don't label you is literally impossible.
Labeler, labelled
Yea, I'm rude about it lol 😂
I will actively snark at them for projecting their own shit on me.
Can you give an example of how you do this?
Can you give an example of how you do this?
The name calling one is so real. I always wondered why I was such an underachiever as a kid when my mom and other adults constantly labeled me smart/"gifted". I always had a suspiscion that maybe since I had so many of these labels at this point, I assumed I could sit back and not really put my brain into anything since I'm apparently so intelligent. That didn't work, and instead of picking myself up, I kept their labels on and made myself discouraged since "I should know what to do, I'm smart!"
I didn't do anything about it because why would I reject a compliment? I would really liked to have heard actual examples from the people that considered me smart like you mentioned, especially since I had literally no clue what they were talking about.
I wish people acknowledged the earthly aspects of themselves instead of just undermining their boundaries for the sake of spirituality. Spirituality should be about exploring the truths you hold in store and what you wish for, not just about being open to everything you hear and forsaking your boundaries, but that is my desire
Since reading Meditations and being much more self-aware, it's rather easier to reflect on, and evaluate the conversations I have with people, I discovered that I prevent talking too much, or things that they would feel uncomfortable. For Pt. 9, I give advices because I genuinely want to help them, never thought that it could appear as insulting to the other party. Great video!
I appreciated your views.
I don’t agree with most of them.
But I respect you.
People thesedays are so irrational that they consider opposing opinions as toxic and offensive
Right ?!
Yes they think conflict equals abuse.
Did you call me black?
@@CallSaul489No Kamala. Indian
5:42 people need to realise not all manipulation is bad inherently.
I was wanting to say this. Manipulation is inherently neutral. This is why we talk about manipulating a spoon to eat food. Manipulating something or someone is just handling them/it with skill. The definition is very simple. Everything we do is manipulation.
In case it’s not obvious, it is ok to give advice when advice is specifically requested. It is still important to come from a humble place when giving the advice, IMO.
I'm raising my children through this guidance. They will benefit more greatly than any other education!
I can’t imagine telling my friend how bad my day has been and they respond with, I’m here to listen. I would think they are not interested in helping me. It feels like they are saying, blah blah blah
I used to always tell my ex girlfriend “you should sleep earlier.” “You should save more money.” She accepted my expectation of her on the outside but internally she felt like i wanted to change her. One day when i suggested she goes to sleep earlier she said its her life and not mine. This was almost half a year ago but now im finally learning from this that if your values dont align with someone elses, respect that and let them do what pleases them. Now i feel the only time you should suggest a change in someones behavior (instead of framing it as a change in THEM), it should be when they negatively affect you
I think I'm tired of hearing the word “toxic” all the time
Yeah pretty much.
There have always been toxic people, we are just now better at identifying them, hence why there's suddenly more of them. But ofc the word toxic can still be overused and or abused, but generally I've seen it used more correctly than not
Nearly all Pokémon that can learn moves from TM can use TM06.
It's just one of those 'in' words. Buzzword.
lol but people are toxic most of them. And I’m tired of all of them
How refreshing! 12 of all the reasons I avoid talking to people as much as possible. Some oeople's conversation consist of nothing but personal remarks. And then they add on criticism, judgement and frankly idiotic advice. Pure waste of time for me. It doesn't feel like having a human interaction at all. I have a chronic illness which means that people simply HAVE to tell me it is all in my mind and how I should think my self healthy. Naturally I am the bad one if I tell them they are an idiot. I'm always expected to patiently listen to their fantasies around health and illness with me as the example of wrong thinking. When I meet people I like meeting them in the moment, find their strength and happy place and then go on to talk about the fine and interesting things we could go on to in the future. Of course I listen without judging if someone has problems or is sad.
Holy shit I literally do all of this!! I think I may be a narcissist :(. And I think this is why my girlfriend says she doesn’t feel at ease around me or that she doesn’t like my personality :(.
You gave me some good advice. I’m gonna try to change these things before I cook my entire relationship.
Subscribed.
Interesting points, definitely relatable by many means 🤔 but I disagree with your last one..
I think you're mistaking reassurance for "diversion" here.
To me, proper reassurance can make or break the attitude of a situation. Something like "Don't worry, we'll make it through this" can offer the confidence to continue when defeat is more obvious.
Sometimes, it can be a good thing to "stop feeling what we're feeling" when it's simply not fruitful and we otherwise rely on the charisma of our company to jog us out of a funk. It is important to experience our emotions, certainly.
In my experience, I've gotten stuck in some negative spirals and have felt very thankful to have someone give me reassurance to knock me out of it.
That's actually been a core theme for me lately, is finding opportunities to offer reassurance and inspire collective growth 😄
I am very glad that there is a guy out there to teach me how to talk to other people this is litteraly all i needed
In defense of robots. I must say that almost all of the mistakes or toxic things mentioned seem to be the most logical course of action.
Perhaps there are more problems in the receiving people than in the transmitters of these "toxic things"
I'm not saying it's wrong to expect comfort, support, approval, affection...
But most of those "toxic things" are really a search, exploration, experimentation and collaboration towards the TRUTH and SOLUTION of real problems.
The fault may not be in these "toxic" actions. But in the inability to receive constructive criticism, precise diagnosis, well-founded objections and in general everything that suggests changing something about one's self-image, self-esteem or ego.
The issue is addressing these directly, unsolicited, is counterproductive to inspiring change in others.
People kinda have to choose to change of their own accord; being too direct triggers ego defenses and “blinds” others.
We do not have to answer everyone who tries to strike up a conversation with us while we are only trying to walk down the street too. Nor do we have to walk at the same slow pace that everybody else is there at the time.
So basically we should yellowrock people, instead of engaging or resolving. Sounds like toxic positivity, or a very zenful approach to life, if one can disabuse themselves from it altogether
Finally someone understands me, I had my suspicions regarding positive praising, (with an attachment) something my partner does to me. But trying to explain to someone who doesn’t get it, it just looks like I’m paranoid. A true praise without an attachment has a different energy.
@NewelOfKnowledge to Number 10 there is a 4'th reason: the person is to overwhelmed by their own problems, they feel triggered by almost everything and can't focus on anything else. Unfortunately this condition exists and can even stay for years
I can vividly remember of giving advice to people back then, turns out it wasn’t gonna fix the majority of a situation. Also, the habit that I say to myself is using “should” and intellectualizing my problems because I thought that I should label the things that happened to me. I am slowly unlearning this way of saying to myself.
It’s tempting to give advice and try to fix things if its hard to see/feel the pain of others.
when Newel did the sign of the cross, I know things are about to get crazy
Also, I dont see anything bad in saying "you will stop doing it or I’ll leave you" because I actually mean it and I don’t wanna this attitude in my life and if someone is not respecting my boundaries, I’m not gonna tolerate it. And that happens mostly people I don’t really know like small talks in a club, because I won’t let such people close to me at all. But I never know, everything can happen.
About word "should": I also actively protesting about using it because it’s really pressuring me when someone says me what they should do. I never listen to this. BUT
I moved to Germany recently and I see that it’s just a part of their culture to give such unsolicited advice with this word "should". I also actively hate it but we can’t change the whole nation. They are like very rational and most of them are saying "if I hear about the problem, I’m trying to help and solve it."
If I gave every human 1 second of my time/life I would have to live to over 230 years old, provided I took no time off for sleeping, going to the bathroom, eating... For me, I just choose who I care to chat with and I skip almost everyone else. My time is incredibly valuable to me.
Point 10 Diverting. Autistic people get accused of doing this, but the motivation is very different from what was described here. From an Autistic perspective, the purpose of mentioning one’s own similar experience is to provide credentials, with the intention of letting the person know that they understand and may have experiential insight into the person’s issue so that the person can feel safe opening up about their experience, and perhaps learn from each other’s perspectives. The idea of making themselves the centre of attention or talking about themselves to make the subject about themselves is anathema to Autistic people in most instances. There is no wish to engage in any kind of one-upmanship as described here. The purpose is to relate and be relatable. It’s more like, “Oh, I’ve had a similar experience, here’s an example as evidence of that, you are safe talking to me because I won’t judge you negatively because that would be hypocritical”, rather than “My experience is worse than yours, you should listen to me instead”.
Absolute gems to live by. Why is it so hard to communicate like this to everyone all the time? Well I would first have to have a high regard for others and become authentically gentle and humble myself. Isn't that what life is meant to teach me? Deep thanks to you Louis!
Hey, this is a really excellent video. I love your candid honesty for real. The thing is though, the last one is rough, reassurance. I 1 hundred percent agree with you that, when you are saying to people: don’t feel what you feel ~ that is absolutely true and I’m so glad that I watched your video to be reminded of that. But also, when you talk to people that are getting older, and they look back in time, they really enjoy those moments when there were people there that said, “hey, it’s going to be OK. “
You know because the universe can be chaotic and anxious and mean …stressful etc. if we’re lucky, someone with a strong spirit …somebody brings a little bit of light in there, and you delight in that and are thankful that it didn’t get darker.
This man is genius
His social intelligence is unequivocal
True! Imagine that we have more people like him in our society
Dont label him
Bot
I heard “touchéttes” rather than “2 sheds” and it still worked
what does that mean?
There’s this guy I’ve been talking to but didnt really like him for some reason, and I finally found the reason, he somehow does every single one of these things 😭😭
Conversely, my girlfriend ABIDES by all of these rules and I hate that.
When I'm venting I want her advice. I value her advice. But she refuses to give it -- all I get is "that must be hard". It feels unhelpful to me.
I would love her to share a similar time in her life to comfort me, or offer some solutions I might have not thought of. Moreover, even the conversation itself can help me think of the solutions I need.
I don't like being on the receiving end of this "giving space" stuff, as crazy as it sounds.
That's so weird! My parents have always used "2 spiders" for the exact same reason. It came from a situation where an individual proclaimed he had "two spiders in the bath" as a way to divert from a friend's arachnid in a tub story 😂
There is ONE person who it is very, very useful to criticize - yourself. That's the whole reason I subscribed to this channel. It can also be useful to ALLOW someone you respect and admire to judge you, if you take that judgment seriously.
It's a bold statement that all people hate themselves
But it’s true that you only criticize people for what you hate about yourself. You don’t have any emotional reaction to people doing things that you are okay with in yourself. You’re only emotionally triggered and critical of others actions when they are things you struggle with yourself. It’s safer for the ego to deal with issues for other people than itself. It’s a cute little defense mechanism. Everyone should check in with themselves and what they don’t like and change that part of themselves. It’s amazing, once you change yourself, that stuff just doesn’t bother you when others do it! Because you were never hating / angry / critical of that other person- what that other person was doing was just reminding you what you hated about yourself 🤯
@@alumsdizzle Bullshit. You see someone beat on their child, you tell them it's not okay. That's not predicated on you having done it yourself and hating yourself for it - quite the opposite. There is such a thing as right and wrong.
I don't know about hate but we tend to be harsher on ourselves than others. If we said to others what we say to ourselves. Giving compliments to others not giving the same to ourselves for the same achievement. For example
@@SpaghettiToasteryes, obviously. We are not talking about that here. We are talking about general conversation and connection with others here. Not actual hate crimes and abuse. We are trying to connect on how not to be the toxic people here. It’s pretty obvious you shouldn’t beat your kids. I mean, there’s laws for that..
Projections happen with both negative and positive experiences. You transfer your own reality without any filters to the outside world, building an external truth based on your own personal characteristics. Go ahead and do a little bit of research on the law of mirroring and you’ll find many psychological studies that affirm that your exterior acts as a mirror for your mind. It all boils down to your psyche protecting itself but also trying to help yourself grow into a better person :) ego science my friends!
This is huge! You've expressed such a massive landscape of understanding through these tendencies. Each one represents its own short-circuiting of our relational abilities. It all comes back to our own psyche - insecurity, need for control, and shame attempting to take the wheel in our conversations.
His channel needs more recognition!!!!!
First one of his I have watched and he earned a sub. Have a great year
I was worried that I will find out I'm toxic in conversations, but honestly all of these points were pretty obviously toxic to me, nothing new. I'm feeling proud of myself
I’m so happy there are people out there who understand this and talk like this intuitively! I grew up with a narcissist mom and the praising thing to manipulate was unfortunately picked up by me. Now I actively hold back my compliments if I realize it’s because I want something. I also am super emotional so it’s hard to not to give solutions because I don’t like to be so vulnerable but it’s dismissive of other people’s feelings not to sit with them in their feelings too
Your channel has been super helpful for me getting through some drama in my friend group. I’ve found my listening skills have gotten much better and I felt I was much more capable of handling the situation with mature conversation! Appreciate you big dog 💪
Praising an employee evaluatively may be considered feedback. “When you delivered this report on time it really help our team, please try to keep doing that “
Thank you tom hardy 😭❤️
Im really glad i found your channel. I wasnt able to communicate why i dont get on with my mother n law and intuitively i knew something was wrong. She does all these things.
😂
If you follow this street, you will become another person, but never more yourself.
This ❤
Very true. It's so black and white and bereft of nuance. Ironically, it comes across as shallow.
@@govurma 'bereft of nuance'; nice parse! Thanks for sharing it.
Labeling is toxic. The energy of it stick on their spirit...even if you have never said it to their face it is out there and their growth is hindered. It is hard as we are only human but this is probably the most important.
Really helpful, Newell, thank you! My only contribution is to say that within listening there is a universe of options for asking questions that help the speaker process further and come away feeling less stuck, without you as the listener having offered advice. Completely passive listening can enable a toxic person to run all over you, abuse your time, and transgress boundaries. Good questions can help an emotional person find their footing, hear themselves talk, and consider other perspectives without you the listener telling them what to think.
So basically you just listen and never open your mouth or you're toxic.
A clinical psychologist said to me that I was a great listener. I basically just listen with nodding. And I do that because I don't possess the language skills to talk back or ask questions etc 😂, and that turned out to be in my favour as a listener 😅
dunno if you're trolling but he specifically said that if the other person approaches you and shows strong emotion (like sadness, anger, etc.), you just need to listen to them emphatically. reflect their thoughts to them to let them know that you understand them.
if they ask for your opinion or advice, that's the time you open your mouth.
The opposite of crazy is still crazy. Moderation, dear boy. Moderation.
All these points are extremely helpful. I have done all of these throughout my life and have found out the hard way that if you truly want to help people, you have to let them choose their journey. Being a silent observer who becomes a rock during trouble has been better for me. It's just hard in practice (pun intended)
This is the best video on social skills I've ever seen, and I'm a former social scientist!
I just closed my eyes and envisioned that you were Captain Jack Sparrow. Highly recommend.👏👏👍
Long story. My nephew has always been heavy. My mom doesn’t pay much attention to her grandchildren. Recently we went to a family gathering and my mom had been told that my nephew had lost a lot of weight. When she saw him, she made this huge deal about how he looks normal now, etc. The message I got was, “only skinny people are worthy of praise “. So what’s she going to say if he gains some of it back? Yes, praise can be toxic.
You heard "only skinny people are worthy of praise", but that doesn't mean your mother believes that. Certainly if she ONLY praises people on their appearances it's possible, but most people have a more complex outlook on the world.
@@lithelily Nah. She said her mother doesn't pay much attention to her grandchildren. But on this occasion she made a big point of doing so. - Based only on his appearance.
I mean it depends on why she's happy that they're normal. If it's for say, idk social status, having nice fit grandchildren then sure that's toxic. On the other hand, if its from a place of being happy that the nephew is healthier now, has normal health/not overweight with problems, then it's great.
Honestly, losing weight is a big deal and should be encouraged.
As someone that has lost a nice amount of weight and finally became physically fit, I have heard many such "complements" I have given some doozies, but I feel that most were said as genuine gestures of good will! Weight loss is a tricky thing to complement in another person. I really struggle with this as well.
This is tough though. Sometimes people actually want advice. And sometimes we offer advice not out of a sense of superiority but, rather, because simply saying "I hear ya" sounds cold and uncaring.
I think a lot of guys tend to offer solutions because we lack other ways to show compassion.
That's basically how to talk to a child, how sad this society is, when you come to realize that emotions are automatic responses you have programmed into you to automate the process of life and liberate your focus to you know, focus on what's in front of you. Then you realize, you can reprogram the whole thing and never have to worry about anything, least of all petty discussions with people being their own problems. Yes, that means nobody will like you ever because they are all children and they hate the adult in the room. Let us all be children, let us eat cake past midnight, wraaaaawaaaaa! That's people in a nut shell.
So just take a good look at any emotion you have, why you have them, and then proceed to change them so that you may react in a better way from now on. Observe yourself feel, where they are coming from, why they are there, it is all pure 100% logic, emotions are pure logic, strict logic, same as a computer. So when it says, if (drop an object) then(feel that the object is falling) to (try to catch it) Then you see that it is all an automated process because life happens so fast, you don't have time to think, you have to act now. Same thing if (I throw you a ball) then((you feel the feel of catching it) or (try to block it because you don't have time to catch anymore, or because you didn't program that emotional response of catching the ball yet) or ( try to dodge it because you have not programmed the other two responses yet) then (do the programmed response)
So you see, your emotions are the system that automates your reactions, it is a conditional system fully built by you, only you. Just because you took some from other people who conditioned you to react a certain way, which we all have, because that's what society does to us, and it's a good thing, you are born into this set of situations, you will learn this set of behavior that reacts according to those situations. The problem lies with corruption, when we program our youth to react a certain way in an attempt to control them and make them do something that benefits us and not them. It's what is happening, this is why people react the way they do, they have been programmed for control and obedience and as such there are subroutines in place in the programming that prevents the user from seeing the true reason for their automatic responses. It is your duty to let go of the original corrupted programming, basically uninstall the malware in your mind, and then reprogram with responses that you judge appropriate for any given situation. If you have read this, congratulation, you are one step closer to reaching adulthood, cheerio, much love babye.
Our "destinies" have always been determined within the context of a society and a social circle and with the expectation of their approval or friction. This is even what gives genuine rebels and visionaries their ruggedness, forces them to to justify and refine their opposition. This advice is simply meek, retreating subservience.