What is your experience communicating during conflict? Is it difficult? Do you struggle to find the words to say? Have you mastered this through practice? Tell me in the comments!
I used to blast... But now I am at peace that I can tell what I need from the opposite person.. Also clearity in thoughts have changed the conversation from quarreling, blaming to a problem solving process... I can't say I have mastered it... But m learning it with practice.. Journaling also helped me when I get overwhelmed...
Well I’ll just say this… It’s a hit or miss with me right now on this PTSD road to recovery, yet I’m definitely enjoying the growth of being able to become more expressive with my feelings!!!
You made this video for me💔 My person doesn’t care about my feelings when in an argument. He denies his part of the conflict, blames me entirely for the argument, and blows up out of control so that he is no longer listening or letting me talk. But the worst part is he comes from anger and rage and is critical of me and always wants to Divorce. Throws the baby out with the bath water! Next day he wants to brush it under the rug. Sounds so terrible. This is the first time I’ve-written it out. We have been together for 48 yrs. And we do have our skeletons. Our arguments are only 5 percent of our relationship but 95 percent of resentment. Already you have helped me Immensely. Thank you.
In my experience, my past dysfunction from childhood and adult hood, as well as trauma pops up impulsively if I feel like my securities are threatened in anyway! I’ve learned that my brain responds like that because it’s trying to protect me everything I’ve been through goes to the subconscious and I had to dig deep to figure out what I was so afraid of the heated moment! I was never taught healthy coping skills, communication, and emotion regulation! It’s never too late to learn new skills to help you grow and become an emotional regulation healthy person! Just pause! For me I have to talk myself down and be my own best friend, and loving parent! Stop fighting against your brain, identify the root causes, when you understand why you overreact it’s easier to make changes ❤
Well said. I also had a critical mother and Abandonment issues as well as I too never learned how to express emotion. I ended up married to mother. Now divorced and many group therapy sessions and alot of therapy, I do believe anyone can learn and change if they really want to. Thank you Terri so informative and inspiring.
It’s true. It’s like the only two options in the moment are “I hurt you” or “I hurt your feelings”… sOo let me just hold my hands, stay silent and regulate!
Hi Terri, Excellent strategies you've provided us with. What is challenging for me is when I'm making an intentional effort to hear and understand what the other person is trying to say with compassion and without judgement, but they cannot do the same for me. This makes me feel unheard and sad.
This is a common experience when you are trying to change the dynamic. I think you can ask for what you need by saying, “I am working at getting better at listening with the intention to understand where you are coming from. So while you are sharing, I will allow you to fully finish what you are saying and I will ask you to do the same for me, please.”
Hi Terri, I want to add that my default is shutdown mode but this doesn’t come from wanting to punish the other person, this is because it does not feel safe to continue to engage. When you grow up in a violent household where every time you try to speak up it is met with verbal and physical abuse you fear this happening again. That said, I have tried to assert boundaries with said family and it has been met with the kitchen sinking as you said, them not sticking to the one point I was trying to raise and also getting extremely personal. I have since then cut contact but would appreciate if you could give advice for such circumstances, especially when dealing with irrational people. Thank you
Same here, Lauren. If I clearly feel that the other person is triggered I become non-reactive because I know anything I say will be misconstrued- so by remaining passive I’m at least not adding fuel to the fire..
I feel like this whole video is me and my husband wanted to watch it with me because we've been having problems for the last year or two. He even said there were a couple things you pointed out that made him realize he was doing. We immediately tried it because I have trouble talking about anything serious and it worked for a few hours. We even came up with a safe word for me for when I start getting overwhelmed and can't talk. Thanks to you I think we might be saved. We have a daughter and one on the way and love each other so much so we really don't want to split. Thank you
I am SO glad to hear this helped you both talk about things openly, and that you agreed on a safe word to protect you from getting too overwhelmed ❤️ That's very loving!
Stonewalling is emotional neglect. Thank you for calmly with examples explaining healthy mature AUTHENTIC and KIND communication. Kind does not mean repressing conversation that needs to happen to yield understanding to deepen relationship or not. Kind is expressing real needs and listening to their real needs and existing in the pain of disagreement or uncertainty.
I’m so happy to find your channel. Been married 41 years, and I’m realizing that our communication is not good. We keep triggering each other and we are defensive. Basically we need to learn a better way.
I am so glad you are here ❤️ I hope you find what you need! I have a script on diffusing arguments here, in case it helps: th-cam.com/video/H7gmwfqTWpM/w-d-xo.html
I struggle with what is labeled "stonewalling". However, when this happens it doesn't come from anger, it comes from fear. I'm not using it as a weapon. The ability to talk and find the words is GONE. I'm aware that this is related to a childhood trauma. This is triggered when the other person appears in attack mode. I've improved, but it hasn't been easy. Just wanted to state that the black silence some people might find themselves in isn't always a result of anger and isn't intended to manipulate. My partner grew up within a dysfunctional, alcoholic family dynamic, so our communications have been challenging. Blaming and shaming was a big part of his upbringing. My partner is not an alcoholic, but has taken on some of the personality traits of the alcoholic in his family. One of the things I have said that is helpful for me is, "We can agree to disagree", if I feel I'm being bullied into submission.
Thank you for sharing ❤️ I think that sounds more like the first communication block, inability to express your needs (because you're frozen). So many people freeze up in difficult situations like this because of fear. As I said in the video, if possible, I think it can be helpful to take some time out to journal your thoughts so you can share them after you've had time to process. ❤️
OMG…another beautiful video! My personal goals after watching this: To slow down and breathe, find my clarity, use my words and speak the truth in a loving way…without retreating into my cocoon, becoming defensive or blaming. I am learning so much from your explanations, tips and scripts…thank you so much!!
Terri, you have helped me so much to find & use my voice. In the last year I finally realized that I was raised by a narcissistic mother. You have helped me to separate from her & understand that I am only responsible for & able to control myself. Now that I am healing & speaking my truth, I finally feel like a whole valuable individual person & it’s really hard work but feels wonderful. I am moving to a new town which I was always afraid to do, because my family is so codependently close to one an other. I now know that I must leave in order to live my best life. You TERRI COLE are such a gift to society & a blessing in my life!❤
Excellent topic. My own deal breaker is people who can’t navigate conflict with the intention to come to a place of mutual understanding and compromise towards an improvement.
This video was excellent. My marriage is dying due to poor communication and I feel pained because though we say we love eachother we say very harsh and damaging things to eachother... then we resolve it promise not to do it and it happens again and again. I feel defeated by my own actions and that of my spouse who I love deeply.😢
I am witnessing you with so much compassion 💕 I suggest trying to establish fair fighting rules, which I go into in this video: th-cam.com/video/BDLLGVCSulE/w-d-xo.html There are also some other preventative tips in there!
Very good tools, wish I hope to master, to master myself, and have compassion of others. I want to not fight, but resolve issues in the most healthiest ways.
This is exactly where my wife and I are. I feel like we genuinely love each other but are so hurt by each other that we can't seem to overcome that pain and actually resolve it. I'm not sure what to do and I don't want to lose her she also says she feels the same way.
*Defensive shutting down of the other is the archenemy of hearing them.* So true. I add: Mirroring or open-ended questioning (as you modeled) are the superheroes.
Yes I need that too!!! When I was younger my close friend would help me because I never knew what to say and yes I totally needed her to give me a script (and then I could use it word for word or modify it either way, but I could not come up with a healthy response… and I often felt “wrong” when I wasn’t and didn’t know I had a right to express myself in a healthy way.)
I know that these videos aren’t a replacement for therapy but they are making me face myself and how unacceptable I’ve been acting lately in my relationship as a reaction to needs not being met. I know that lashing out coldly and stonewalling are not effective ways to communicate my displeasure but I feel like I’m stuck on a merry-go-round sometimes and I need the both of us to get off now. So thank you for making these videos. They have helped.
Yes Terri, you've added tons of value to my life with this video. I loose all my abilities during conflicts, and I often end up stonewalling. I want to be able to handle conflicts in a healthy way your presentation really helps me see how I can navigate this better. Thank you so much.
I love this setting. It's much warmer and less clinical than your current screen background. Love your podcasts, been watching for years. They help me in my grief sessions with my counselor. 😊❤
I’ve watched a few videos already, my wife and I are a new couple, she’s active Navy and I’m a prior Marine, and we’re both pretty alpha and defensive due to our upbringing and lifestyle. She’s away until my son and I can join her again, so the wait and distance isn’t a helpful factor. Your videos are helping me understand a little better, I hope it can help us overall. Love isn’t the issue, it’s communication, and I don’t want us to lose each other simply because we don’t have the right tools. Thank you for all you do Miss Terri
This is so powerful! I stumbled across writing out my thoughts when i froze in these predicaments. It was odd but so helpful to articulate my thoughts. Even if it’s weird to you or the listener, do it. It will give you the confidence to share your thoughts and feelings. In the heat of the moment we often can’t think. Taking the extra time to write out and find out why you even feel the way you do, can be so helpful and soon you won’t need the writing/notes. It will give you the mold to assert your thoughts, never feel bad if you need to come back to the convo later, you’re learning to articulate your thoughts and it’s worth it. Thank you Terri for your attention to detailed topics and detailed solutions! 🙏🏽❤️
Terri, you have blessed my life so much! I feel as if you've become a trusted friend. In this episode, I am glad you spoke about listening with the intent to understand another. If I'm just waiting to jump in, I'm not really listening to understand the other's point of view. I love creating space! Some people are defensive in their communication. I have been guilty of it myself. It comes across as an attorney gathering evidence to make our case. It is not coming from a place of love. I'm glad you mentioned asking open ended questions. Being interested in what the other person thinks is a useful method to gain deeper understanding in communication. It allows us to learn more. I've found we also must be careful when we see a habitual complainer who is just venting, being stuck in playing the victim. I'm glad you brought out Stonewalling too. It is damaging, and you are right in that it is a form of passive aggressive behavior. Having a bachelor's degree in Relational Communication, I learned about Stonewalling (one of John Gottman's Four Deadly Horsemen of the Apocalypse). One of the best classes in my major was titled Emotions and Communicating. Learning to tune into our emotions is vital. We all can learn to respond rather than react emotionally. Steven R. Covey states there is a 3 second space we can use before responding. Terri I love that you wisely said if we feel ourselves getting emotionally upset, we can say, "I can't talk it out right this minute, but give me 10 minutes". That allows us to cool down if we feel our emotions heating up. Yes, it certainly requires self work! It behooves us to examine ourselves and ask, am I too thin skinned? If you notice a pattern of defensiveness, you might be. We can only control ourselves. I gain more compassion for myself and others by listening more. Some people just want or need to be heard. They don't want you to offer advice. We all want to be understood. I find I am happier when I seek to understand others. It's a paradox, in that when I do, I also come to understand myself better. Thanks Terri.
I pretty much never leave comments on TH-cam, but I've gotta say; even after around 4 years of psych as my specific focus in college, I honestly think that this video provided me with more legitimate personal insight than any of those textbooks or lectures. Impressive, thank you for your contribution.
Hi Terri, first time listener. I tend to be very defensive and what you said about this meaning I’m not listening is so true. Thank you this episode gives me great opportunities to change my ways and improve.
I feel like I do those things but I am dealing with a person that doesn't do those things back and instead , denies any responsibility for the disagreement, stonewalls, gaslights, or turns the reason I am upset back around on ME and on top of this....throws things, screams and has tantrums
amazing video, thank you. I'm trying to remember compassion and understanding is much more important than the need to be "right", even if i feel slighted in the relationship
I recently found your channel and just purchased both the Audible and book versions of Boundary Boss. I am only upto chapter 7. I cannot express how helpful and enlightening your book has been. Thank you so much for taking the time to write it and narrate it. My communication during conflict is either freeze or defensive. I like the idea of a meeting every 2 weeks to problem solve, I just hope my person will be willing to “attend” said meeting.
listening again....... the uniuverse is giving another opportunity ti work thru conflict. first with my adult son (he stopped contacting me 1 yr ago). now with a good friend. really examining what i can do more skillfully iun the future AND how to approach these current volatile situations . thanks terri!!
That is a great communication toolkit. One thing that I notice that I tend to do is to bring up things from the past, just adding more fuel and losing the focus. Stay focused on the present conflict, write it down, share it, do check-ins, listen actively, don’t get defensive….
I appreciate how vulnerably you are in expressing how you were in that angry defensiveness/silent treatment mode, it helped to hear that. A lack of ability to regulate one's reaction in the heat of moment, then think of a way to express your preference, in my case to my really wounded mom, then prepare for the back lash, was a scenario that nearly cost me my life. I recognise im a very quick flight type. Thank you, this is sooo true. Assertive verbal expression is soooo important...
When I feel like I’m not being heard or understood because the other person seems dismissive or is just going on and on with what they’re saying to where I can’t get out a sentence, that’s where I feel overwhelmed and I shut down and get quiet. Sometimes leave if it’s really bad
I'm so sorry to hear you're dealing with that 💕 It is hard! Ideally, we can have conversations during neutral times where we share how we feel about how we argue/have discussions, and we can agree to make changes to that or be more patient and compassionate with each other. It's okay to say, "What I'd really love from you in this moment is to know you're hearing me and that you care." If people bring up unrelated issues, you can also say, "I'm happy to talk about that at a later date, but right now, I'd like to focus on what I originally brought up." And repeat it as much as you need to!
This video was very helpful for me. I've been reading Non-Violent Communication and this affirms what I've been reading. I struggle not to be misunderstood or judged, and that has often taken priority to caring for my partner and listening to their needs. We each have opposite responses to conflict, she gets angry and I get triggered and shut down. The list of phrases you have in the guide is so helpful, too! I have often struggled how to respond with curiosity, and being able to at least say that I am stonewalling or need to take a break. I'm looking forward to watching more of your videos and learning more!
I'm so glad to hear it was helpful ❤️ You might be interested in watching this conversation I had with my pal Mark Groves and his wife Kylie, as they also have opposite responses to conflict (she shuts down, he wants to talk it out) and they share how they work through it together: th-cam.com/video/AL1hLmiaXHU/w-d-xo.html
Thank you so much for your beautiful work! Have you considered writing a book about how to mindfully communicate in adult relationships? I know I can’t be the only one that grew up in a family that didn’t know how to healthily express themselves. I appreciate how quickly you delve down to the root of a problem. Holding up that mirror helps me see ways that I can grow and be a cycle-breaker. I appreciate you!
I just ordered Boundary Boss and can't wait to get into it. Terri, you make these concepts so relatable and I like how you differentiate between the old-school understanding of boundaries as in enabling a person with substance abuse (Codependent no More) into the broader subject which so many of us suffer from beginning in our families, growing up. Also, as an agnostic person, I'm not that comfortable with books that go into the whole Higher Power thing. If that works for some, great. It just doesn't resonate with me. I originally saw you on the Women of Impact channel, and wow, you ARE a woman of impact and a boundary boss! Can't thank you enough.
Hi Terri. I was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder and major depression when I was younger. Over the years I've gained control over my moods. I have been in a relationship for the past 6 years, but lately I have had some very bad mood swings I feel are do to meds I've been on, gabapentin and methocarbamol, which are known medications that cause severe mood swings as well. I have recently stopped taking them and have been reaching out for help because it has cost me the person I love dearly. I left to get better and somehow I've made things worse by wanting to try and talk about our problems and I end up flying off the handle. I want to be better and show her that I'm doing all I can? I know I don't have the best listening skills, but I do listen, it's hard to talk about a lot of things between us, without leading to a fight and I don't try and fight with her. Without either one of us figuring out anything and she has shut me out completely now and doesn't want to discuss anything and doesn't believe a word I say when I know I've messed up. I've apologized for things I said that I didn't mean, I have told her it's my head not her and that I am getting help. Is there any advice you can give me?
I am so sorry to hear about your painful situation. ❤️ It sounds like you're already doing what you can- getting help sounds like the best option, as it is focusing on your side of the street and what is within your control.
Wow! You hit every key point that are big issues in my relationship. I’m going to order your book. Through what you’ve described, childhood traumas have caused unconscious ways to react when triggered for both of us. I praying we can both make permanent changes in the ways we react to conflict, with your guidance from your book.
I see you, Denise ❤️ You're not alone. I hope Boundary Boss helps! I also have this short video with a script on diffusing arguments: th-cam.com/video/H7gmwfqTWpM/w-d-xo.html
This Channel is absolutely fantastic. Thank you Terri. Hi fellow watchers, I am Will 29, and I am on a journey of learning how to listen better and communicate more thoughtfully during discussions in all relationships. Currently I am a poor listener, I jump between wanting to resolve and then into defence mode and eventually when things aren’t resolved I jump into silent and withdrawn mode. This behavioural pattern of mine has lost me an amazing partner and I recognise how damaging I was, unfortunately it is too late for that relationship however, I am on a self betterment journey and I’m excited to be a better version of myself.
Hello Terri, I want to start off saying thank you for these amazing videos. I'm currently working on myself when it comes to being less impulsive, less defensive, being an active listener amongst others. I truly appreciate the time you take in these videos♥ I really want to be less impulsive and defensive.
It’s interesting! I had a situation take place Wednesday night (it’s Friday now) and I knew this morning that I need to start understanding HOW to learn about what I need MORE. I went through 1-2 videos and this is definitely THE ONE I needed most!! I’m giving myself props for the progress I’ve made and how the way I communicated Wednesday is better than what was modeled to me as a child, however, there were definitely still loopholes that just got detangled and clarified by watching this video. I see room for improvement on my end and definitely would like to find the courage to follow back up with my friend to see if they will be open to understanding what I need better. It’s exhausting to keep telling them that who I am now is not who I will be in the future because the same freezing and inability to communicate in the moment keeps happening, and I hope they are still on the journey as I keep unfolding my myth but I do realize this will take some time and effort. These scripts are heaven sent because as I’m listening I’m like “ohhhhh I just don’t have the proper language!!!! So I stumble in the moment not realizing that this is what I need”. I’m totally down to grow from these scripts thank you Terri this gives me so much faith that my desire to grow will not just stop at a desire but there’s an actual path I can take and practice and start to implement to reprogram how I deal with conflict and communication! Thank you thank you thank you !!
WOW- thank you for this video! The way you explained listening to understand what need is going unmet made perfect sense. The scripting you've offered will be such a help in future conversations. Hooray!!
Hi! I just wanted to say the way you teach is absolutely beautiful. Thank you for not making us feel evil, but helping people who struggle with this situation :)
Great tools and scripts. Thanks so much! I had forgotten I was once an excellent listener. I guess when I/we stop being aware that our own “clutter” is out of control, its hard to hear others and even bigger - its hard to realize we stopped listening.
you are amazing. I saved this episode because you truly have some great pointers. Next is checking out your guide. I'm in conflict with my guy right now and I apparently suffer from Blockers #3 and 4 and no longer want that to be my truth. I didnt realize I was such a shitty communicator or my own needs. I'm so used to being an advocate for other people that i have neglected advocating for myself. This is something I really have to work on. You are pretty and have a vey pleasant voice to listen to and i feel you did great getting your messages across. Thank you for doing what you do. You're amazing.
Most men, mine included, don’t want to talk about things so much. If there’s an issue mine will talk it through but if I keep “checking in” he’s like, why do we keep talking about the relationship every month? Everything’s fine. The checking in has given him the impression that I’m not happy or that I’m insecure about the relationship. So, no “state of the union” for us.
I despise conflict and usually fawn or don't know what to say until after. Usually it's someone intentionally ensuing conflict for their own personal power trip. Most people that have emotional intelligence I can have discussions with. Unless they're dedicated to misunderstanding or twisting me to fit their narrative.
Terri, thank God I found you. I have never been to therapy, feel i need it but don't have the resources. With your videos I do see that I am a big part of the problem, m highly defensive, m a master silent treator and of course its the other person s fault. I don't want to point out what I think they might be doing 'wrong' coz I know thats my perception of things, wrong or right. I do though wanna work on me feeling better about myself enough that m not so thin skinned when I feel criticised, that I dont shut down for days on end. Lustening to your videos make me feel like I might be onto some home made therapy sessions. I have started jotting down stuff and think I should make that my morning routine and download those guides. Thank you for all you do. Heres to a better enough me. God bless you Terri, you already are blessed❤
Thank you so much for the kind words, and I am so glad this was helpful ❤️❤️❤️ I have another video about how to be less defensive coming out soon because you are so not alone in this struggle.
wow, terri. i just found you! really appreciate your practical tips. i am dealing with an estrangement from my 26 yr old. who "ghosted" me on his birthday last year. i continue to work on myself, knowing that things change when i change. best wishes for a fulfilling and prosperous practice.
Vry effective vdo lecture bt.as a professional in my opinion when conflicts occur, concerned teams nd employees r encouraged to sort out these out themselves nd grow.When mistakes r made they are used as learning experiences.In my opinion some important tips r what is the impact they have of using the developmental style of dealing with conflicts, How do they manage conflicts, state positive and negative impact on employees nd organization, of the style they use, What percentage of them seem to use the developmental style nd how many use coercive or authoritarian or any other dysfunctional styles, what communication skills Strategies they adopt to rectify the conflicts etc.Effective nd humble communication strategy always give good results in such cases in my view in brief.Conductng meeting on regular basis used to help employees learn nd overcome from prime causes of conflicts.Vry.Inspiring and innovative lecture ma'am.Thanx for your point of views.
Thank you for your wisdom (and experience ha ha). I am in a conflict situation at this moment and applying this approach is a great shift in myself. I am doing it intuitively, but your video makes thoughts clearer as well as understanding the other person's behavior which in itself reduces my defensiveness. I will keep watching your videos.
Thank you so much for making this info available! This is so eye-opening as to why I react the way I do and now I can begin to change and get out of the loop I have been in forever...thanks again!☺
Thank you I learned a lot. I love watching your videos I communicate, but when I am threatened, I shut down and then become resentful so this teaches me how to take care of what I need and also consider the other person.
I recently found your channel, and I'm really enjoying your insights. I am attempting to learn how to solve conflicts and stop being defensive in hopes of saving my marriage. I am also autistic and have ADHD, which adds a lot of challenges. Thank you so much for the guide with scripts and sentence starters. I am looking forward to reading it and hopefully implementing it in my conversations. 😊
Thank you so much for taking the time, both to leave this comment and for watching ❤️❤️ I so appreciate you, and I hope you continue to find my videos helpful!
Wassup Terri I just want to thank You so much. Due to My communication issues and My anger and aggression I almost lost My Wife. I Love Her so much We've been together since We were 13 and We're 28 now We have 2 beautiful children together and without Your help Our marriage may have ended. Thank You so much for Your words of help.
I see you, Kathy ❤️ You might like this video on communication skills, too: th-cam.com/video/6VzYVqHftew/w-d-xo.html It's got more tips related to the workplace.
Hi Terri, I saw this title and thought it could be helpful to me because I definitely relate to what you spoke about shutting down during conflict. I have done this in my relationship when my partner raises their tone and is argumentative and I would say ot makes sense with a freezing response. It is so frustrating! I feel like I get a lump in my throat and physically cannot get words out to speak my side. I also noticed this happen again in a work conflict. I am trying to grow a private physical therapy practice and over the phone a patients husband just totally tore into me over the phone and it was all I could do to not cry on the other end and keep my composure. I do feel like I am too thin skinned at times and really want to change this because you cannot run a business this way. This video is a great starting point to learn and develop some tools. Thank you!
I am so sorry you experienced that over the phone ❤️ You are not alone in this. It might also help to set boundaries, especially with clients: "I will not tolerate verbal abuse." "The way you are speaking to me is not okay."
Not everyone is equal in life interesting topic i liked it a lot in school i was shy backward and shy trouble communicating with people i have learned a lot since getting out real life working it helped with opening able to communicate with people working in department stores it has open helped me with my communicating skills making friends talking to them and my customers
Hi Terri! Thank you so much for explaining things so clearly. I just ordered your book and joined your VIP group and am so excited to have found you. You really hit the nail on the head when it comes to speaking your mind without losing your head. Thank you.
@@terri_cole I am gobbling up your book and enjoying it so thoroughly I feel like a starving man who finally got something nourishing to eat. I’ve studied with so many different visionaries who dance around the edge and have helped me a bit, but you have gotten to the heart of the matter. Thank you.
Hi terri i’m ivey, i absolutely love the strategy of writing down what is bothering me to communicate it to my partner so it’s effectively getting out and we’re learning how to problem solve correctly. I love your advice and how passionate you are about helping people with these hardships. being able to reshape myself as an adult and getting help from people like you gives me hope that i can do it. thank you!
Thank you for the strategies. I’ve been struggling with boundaries and all that comes with it. This video has been an eye opener to my life. Your strategies and the way you explain things are invaluable. I have your book and watch your videos daily, it has helped transform my life. I finally am able to have space in the world and learning how to better live life. ❤❤❤❤
I stop conversations to prevent the argument when it gets heated up. My husband thinks I’m avoiding discussions. Before I started this hurtful things are said you can’t retract, things get broken, aggression heightened.
I see you ❤️ Is it possible to establish a shared understanding/agreement of hitting pause on conversations when they begin to get heated, this way your husband knows you'll come back to it when things are calmer?
Thank you so much for this informative and valuable video. My man and I listened to this together now, and have reflected on what we could do better through our old inhibiting techniques. At the beginning of our relationship still. However, being able to recognize these things early on and discuss them, is going to help us prepare better for our future! Can’t wait to tune into more of your videos. Thanks again!
im new here, i have been having problems in my long distance relationships, because of how defensive i am, and i really want to change it, im a teen and i want to develop into a emotionally mature adult in the future, but i mainly watch this videos to see how i can improve so o dont hurt my partner, thank you for all the information u give
I love how you're already seeking out information to improve your relationships ❤️ You will find a lot of tips on my channel! I just did this video on 7 steps to take to stop being defensive a few months back: th-cam.com/video/thPuQxYeWw0/w-d-xo.html
Wow. Stone walling is habit of mine. I shutdown once I'm bothered and I am so good at it. I feel like I've taught myself that it's the "the better option" because it's better for me to be quiet than to blurt out something hurtful. But communicating that I need a minute is such a better option, that way I can come back to the issue once I have gathered my thoughts in a healthy way. Thanks!
I have experienced this in my last relationship, I was dealing with surgery on my body, and also the passing of a loved one. I found myself feeling a lot of different emotions, and couldn’t identify nor could I properly articulate what I was feeling or needing- I would get so overwhelmed and shut down in response. I just couldn’t get my mind to slow down or make sense of anything. I didn’t know what It was or why I got so overwhelmed and it’s taken my a year or so- to learn how to tune into my emotions & identify them. I hope Ifind someone who will reciprocate the growth that i’ve gained in my next relationship.
I just love your clear and forward communication style! So different - and necessary 😅- compared to the Swedish way. You are an inspiration and lifesaver and Iook to your pod, videos, guides and newsletters whenever I feel insecure about how to handle a situation as the high functioning codependent that I am. 😅 SO good and so helpful! Thank you Terri for all your great and meaningful work! ❤️❤️
What is your experience communicating during conflict? Is it difficult? Do you struggle to find the words to say? Have you mastered this through practice? Tell me in the comments!
I used to blast... But now I am at peace that I can tell what I need from the opposite person.. Also clearity in thoughts have changed the conversation from quarreling, blaming to a problem solving process... I can't say I have mastered it... But m learning it with practice.. Journaling also helped me when I get overwhelmed...
Well I’ll just say this…
It’s a hit or miss with me right now on this PTSD road to recovery, yet I’m definitely enjoying the growth of being able to become more expressive with my feelings!!!
Yes! I just pace around in anger because I don’t know what’s going on. I’d really like to break through that anger and see what’s really going on.
This is so helpful and insightful. Now that I am 50, I am finally getting better about communicating in conflict.
You made this video for me💔 My person doesn’t care about my feelings when in an argument. He denies his part of the conflict, blames me entirely for the argument, and blows up out of control so that he is no longer listening or letting me talk. But the worst part is he comes from anger and rage and is critical of me and always wants to Divorce. Throws the baby out with the bath water! Next day he wants to brush it under the rug. Sounds so terrible. This is the first time I’ve-written it out. We have been together for 48 yrs. And we do have our skeletons. Our arguments are only 5 percent of our relationship but 95 percent of resentment.
Already you have helped me Immensely. Thank you.
In my experience, my past dysfunction from childhood and adult hood, as well as trauma pops up impulsively if I feel like my securities are threatened in anyway! I’ve learned that my brain responds like that because it’s trying to protect me everything I’ve been through goes to the subconscious and I had to dig deep to figure out what I was so afraid of the heated moment! I was never taught healthy coping skills, communication, and emotion regulation! It’s never too late to learn new skills to help you grow and become an emotional regulation healthy person! Just pause! For me I have to talk myself down and be my own best friend, and loving parent! Stop fighting against your brain, identify the root causes, when you understand why you overreact it’s easier to make changes ❤
Thank you so much for sharing what works for you 💕
It's called hypervigilance.
Well said. I also had a critical mother and Abandonment issues as well as I too never learned how to express emotion. I ended up married to mother. Now divorced and many group therapy sessions and alot of therapy, I do believe anyone can learn and change if they really want to.
Thank you Terri so informative and inspiring.
I withdraw, and become silent to protect the other person from the can of whoop ass that I desperately want to invoke on them❤
Same!!!!
It’s true. It’s like the only two options in the moment are “I hurt you” or “I hurt your feelings”… sOo let me just hold my hands, stay silent and regulate!
@@LittleLady247 yes you're right! Thank you for this!🌹
😂
Same
As they say in AA "do you want to be right or do you want to be happy? "
Hi Terri, Excellent strategies you've provided us with. What is challenging for me is when I'm making an intentional effort to hear and understand what the other person is trying to say with compassion and without judgement, but they cannot do the same for me. This makes me feel unheard and sad.
I feel this too and has been a common experience for me too. I hope Terri can chime in about this!
Me too.
This is a common experience when you are trying to change the dynamic. I think you can ask for what you need by saying, “I am working at getting better at listening with the intention to understand where you are coming from. So while you are sharing, I will allow you to fully finish what you are saying and I will ask you to do the same for me, please.”
Hi Terri, I want to add that my default is shutdown mode but this doesn’t come from wanting to punish the other person, this is because it does not feel safe to continue to engage. When you grow up in a violent household where every time you try to speak up it is met with verbal and physical abuse you fear this happening again. That said, I have tried to assert boundaries with said family and it has been met with the kitchen sinking as you said, them not sticking to the one point I was trying to raise and also getting extremely personal. I have since then cut contact but would appreciate if you could give advice for such circumstances, especially when dealing with irrational people. Thank you
Same here, Lauren. If I clearly feel that the other person is triggered I become non-reactive because I know anything I say will be misconstrued- so by remaining passive I’m at least not adding fuel to the fire..
I feel like this whole video is me and my husband wanted to watch it with me because we've been having problems for the last year or two. He even said there were a couple things you pointed out that made him realize he was doing. We immediately tried it because I have trouble talking about anything serious and it worked for a few hours. We even came up with a safe word for me for when I start getting overwhelmed and can't talk. Thanks to you I think we might be saved. We have a daughter and one on the way and love each other so much so we really don't want to split. Thank you
I am SO glad to hear this helped you both talk about things openly, and that you agreed on a safe word to protect you from getting too overwhelmed ❤️ That's very loving!
Stonewalling is emotional neglect. Thank you for calmly with examples explaining healthy mature AUTHENTIC and KIND communication. Kind does not mean repressing conversation that needs to happen to yield understanding to deepen relationship or not. Kind is expressing real needs and listening to their real needs and existing in the pain of disagreement or uncertainty.
I’m so happy to find your channel. Been married 41 years, and I’m realizing that our communication is not good. We keep triggering each other and we are defensive. Basically we need to learn a better way.
I am so glad you are here ❤️ I hope you find what you need! I have a script on diffusing arguments here, in case it helps: th-cam.com/video/H7gmwfqTWpM/w-d-xo.html
Sometimes it's caused by spending too much time together. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, as they say.
I struggle with what is labeled "stonewalling". However, when this happens it doesn't come from anger, it comes from fear. I'm not using it as a weapon. The ability to talk and find the words is GONE. I'm aware that this is related to a childhood trauma. This is triggered when the other person appears in attack mode. I've improved, but it hasn't been easy. Just wanted to state that the black silence some people might find themselves in isn't always a result of anger and isn't intended to manipulate.
My partner grew up within a dysfunctional, alcoholic family dynamic, so our communications have been challenging. Blaming and shaming was a big part of his upbringing. My partner is not an alcoholic, but has taken on some of the personality traits of the alcoholic in his family. One of the things I have said that is helpful for me is, "We can agree to disagree", if I feel I'm being bullied into submission.
Thank you for sharing ❤️ I think that sounds more like the first communication block, inability to express your needs (because you're frozen). So many people freeze up in difficult situations like this because of fear. As I said in the video, if possible, I think it can be helpful to take some time out to journal your thoughts so you can share them after you've had time to process. ❤️
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OMG…another beautiful video! My personal goals after watching this: To slow down and breathe, find my clarity, use my words and speak the truth in a loving way…without retreating into my cocoon, becoming defensive or blaming. I am learning so much from your explanations, tips and scripts…thank you so much!!
You're so welcome, Linda ❤ Thank you for being here and sharing your insights!
Terri, you have helped me so much to find & use my voice. In the last year I finally realized that I was raised by a narcissistic mother. You have helped me to separate from her & understand that I am only responsible for & able to control myself. Now that I am healing & speaking my truth, I finally feel like a whole valuable individual person & it’s really hard work but feels wonderful. I am moving to a new town which I was always afraid to do, because my family is so codependently close to one an other. I now know that I must leave in order to live my best life. You TERRI COLE are such a gift to society & a blessing in my life!❤
Thank you for the kind words, S.A.M ❤ I'm so glad you find the vids helpful, and I'm cheering you on as you enter this next chapter ❤
Excellent topic. My own deal breaker is people who can’t navigate conflict with the intention to come to a place of mutual understanding and compromise towards an improvement.
Yes!
This video was excellent. My marriage is dying due to poor communication and I feel pained because though we say we love eachother we say very harsh and damaging things to eachother... then we resolve it promise not to do it and it happens again and again. I feel defeated by my own actions and that of my spouse who I love deeply.😢
I am witnessing you with so much compassion 💕 I suggest trying to establish fair fighting rules, which I go into in this video: th-cam.com/video/BDLLGVCSulE/w-d-xo.html There are also some other preventative tips in there!
@@terri_cole Thanks alot🤗 I'll go check it out... and have my husband view it too😊
I find myself in the same situations
Very good tools, wish I hope to master, to master myself, and have compassion of others. I want to not fight, but resolve issues in the most healthiest ways.
This is exactly where my wife and I are. I feel like we genuinely love each other but are so hurt by each other that we can't seem to overcome that pain and actually resolve it. I'm not sure what to do and I don't want to lose her she also says she feels the same way.
*Defensive shutting down of the other is the archenemy of hearing them.*
So true.
I add: Mirroring or open-ended questioning (as you modeled) are the superheroes.
I really love the way Terri offers scripts which most online therapists don't. She's helped me so much can't wait to buy the book❤❤
Yes I need that too!!! When I was younger my close friend would help me because I never knew what to say and yes I totally needed her to give me a script (and then I could use it word for word or modify it either way, but I could not come up with a healthy response… and I often felt “wrong” when I wasn’t and didn’t know I had a right to express myself in a healthy way.)
I know that these videos aren’t a replacement for therapy but they are making me face myself and how unacceptable I’ve been acting lately in my relationship as a reaction to needs not being met. I know that lashing out coldly and stonewalling are not effective ways to communicate my displeasure but I feel like I’m stuck on a merry-go-round sometimes and I need the both of us to get off now. So thank you for making these videos. They have helped.
I am so glad they are helping ❤️ And you are not alone. I have a video about unmet needs here that may help: th-cam.com/video/cMos52zoK_E/w-d-xo.html
Yes Terri, you've added tons of value to my life with this video.
I loose all my abilities during conflicts, and I often end up stonewalling. I want to be able to handle conflicts in a healthy way your presentation really helps me see how I can navigate this better.
Thank you so much.
I am so glad this was helpful for you, Nick. You're not alone ❤️
I love this setting. It's much warmer and less clinical than your current screen background.
Love your podcasts, been watching for years. They help me in my grief sessions with my counselor. 😊❤
I’ve watched a few videos already, my wife and I are a new couple, she’s active Navy and I’m a prior Marine, and we’re both pretty alpha and defensive due to our upbringing and lifestyle. She’s away until my son and I can join her again, so the wait and distance isn’t a helpful factor. Your videos are helping me understand a little better, I hope it can help us overall. Love isn’t the issue, it’s communication, and I don’t want us to lose each other simply because we don’t have the right tools. Thank you for all you do Miss Terri
I so hope these videos help you 💕 Thanks for watching!
This is so powerful! I stumbled across writing out my thoughts when i froze in these predicaments. It was odd but so helpful to articulate my thoughts. Even if it’s weird to you or the listener, do it. It will give you the confidence to share your thoughts and feelings.
In the heat of the moment we often can’t think. Taking the extra time to write out and find out why you even feel the way you do, can be so helpful and soon you won’t need the writing/notes. It will give you the mold to assert your thoughts, never feel bad if you need to come back to the convo later, you’re learning to articulate your thoughts and it’s worth it. Thank you Terri for your attention to detailed topics and detailed solutions! 🙏🏽❤️
I so agree, thank you for sharing 💕
Terri, you have blessed my life so much! I feel as if you've become a trusted friend. In this episode, I am glad you spoke about listening with the intent to understand another. If I'm just waiting to jump in, I'm not really listening to understand the other's point of view. I love creating space! Some people are defensive in their communication. I have been guilty of it myself. It comes across as an attorney gathering evidence to make our case. It is not coming from a place of love. I'm glad you mentioned asking open ended questions. Being interested in what the other person thinks is a useful method to gain deeper understanding in communication. It allows us to learn more. I've found we also must be careful when we see a habitual complainer who is just venting, being stuck in playing the victim.
I'm glad you brought out Stonewalling too. It is damaging, and you are right in that it is a form of passive aggressive behavior. Having a bachelor's degree in Relational Communication, I learned about Stonewalling (one of John Gottman's Four Deadly Horsemen of the Apocalypse). One of the best classes in my major was titled Emotions and Communicating. Learning to tune into our emotions is vital. We all can learn to respond rather than react emotionally. Steven R. Covey states there is a 3 second space we can use before responding. Terri I love that you wisely said if we feel ourselves getting emotionally upset, we can say, "I can't talk it out right this minute, but give me 10 minutes". That allows us to cool down if we feel our emotions heating up. Yes, it certainly requires self work! It behooves us to examine ourselves and ask, am I too thin skinned? If you notice a pattern of defensiveness, you might be. We can only control ourselves. I gain more compassion for myself and others by listening more. Some people just want or need to be heard. They don't want you to offer advice. We all want to be understood. I find I am happier when I seek to understand others. It's a paradox, in that when I do, I also come to understand myself better. Thanks Terri.
I pretty much never leave comments on TH-cam, but I've gotta say; even after around 4 years of psych as my specific focus in college, I honestly think that this video provided me with more legitimate personal insight than any of those textbooks or lectures. Impressive, thank you for your contribution.
Why thank you for taking the time to say so, I appreciate it and glad you found it helpful ❤️
Hi Terri, first time listener. I tend to be very defensive and what you said about this meaning I’m not listening is so true. Thank you this episode gives me great opportunities to change my ways and improve.
Welcome Todd, glad my video was helpful ❤️
I feel like I do those things but I am dealing with a person that doesn't do those things back and instead , denies any responsibility for the disagreement, stonewalls, gaslights, or turns the reason I am upset back around on ME and on top of this....throws things, screams and has tantrums
Hi Terri, am new here. My name is Esther from Uganda. Very privileged to hear such words full of wisdom. Appreciate it 🙏🏾
Welcome Esther, so glad to have you here! I appreciate you 💕
we love an honest perceptive queen. followed you hear from another podcast and love you non-nonsense approach.
amazing video, thank you. I'm trying to remember compassion and understanding is much more important than the need to be "right", even if i feel slighted in the relationship
That's such a good thing to keep in mind 💕
I recently found your channel and just purchased both the Audible and book versions of Boundary Boss. I am only upto chapter 7. I cannot express how helpful and enlightening your book has been. Thank you so much for taking the time to write it and narrate it. My communication during conflict is either freeze or defensive. I like the idea of a meeting every 2 weeks to problem solve, I just hope my person will be willing to “attend” said meeting.
Thank you so much, Karen ❤❤ I'm glad you're finding Boundary Boss helpful. Thank you for being here!
Thank you so much Terri . Being unable to get therapy your videos have been so helpful for me
❤️ ❤️ ❤️
Healthy communication, empathy, and understanding can help resolve conflicts without damaging the relationship.
Indeed!
This is just what my beloved and I need. I will try it tonight.
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i love ur old school accent it’s so comforting
Thank you 💕
listening again....... the uniuverse is giving another opportunity ti work thru conflict. first with my adult son (he stopped contacting me 1 yr ago). now with a good friend. really examining what i can do more skillfully iun the future AND how to approach these current volatile situations . thanks terri!!
You're so welcome, Wendy 💕 Cheering you on!
That is a great communication toolkit. One thing that I notice that I tend to do is to bring up things from the past, just adding more fuel and losing the focus. Stay focused on the present conflict, write it down, share it, do check-ins, listen actively, don’t get defensive….
You're so not alone- this is very common. I call it kitchen sinking it when we bring up multiple grievances from the past in one discussion. ❤️
This video is so spot on for everything I’m experiencing now.
I appreciate how vulnerably you are in expressing how you were in that angry defensiveness/silent treatment mode, it helped to hear that. A lack of ability to regulate one's reaction in the heat of moment, then think of a way to express your preference, in my case to my really wounded mom, then prepare for the back lash, was a scenario that nearly cost me my life. I recognise im a very quick flight type. Thank you, this is sooo true. Assertive verbal expression is soooo important...
I'm glad it was helpful ❤️ Thank you for sharing your own experiences!
When I feel like I’m not being heard or understood because the other person seems dismissive or is just going on and on with what they’re saying to where I can’t get out a sentence, that’s where I feel overwhelmed and I shut down and get quiet. Sometimes leave if it’s really bad
I'm so sorry to hear you're dealing with that 💕 It is hard! Ideally, we can have conversations during neutral times where we share how we feel about how we argue/have discussions, and we can agree to make changes to that or be more patient and compassionate with each other. It's okay to say, "What I'd really love from you in this moment is to know you're hearing me and that you care." If people bring up unrelated issues, you can also say, "I'm happy to talk about that at a later date, but right now, I'd like to focus on what I originally brought up." And repeat it as much as you need to!
I do both because I struggle to find the words to say.
This video was very helpful for me. I've been reading Non-Violent Communication and this affirms what I've been reading. I struggle not to be misunderstood or judged, and that has often taken priority to caring for my partner and listening to their needs. We each have opposite responses to conflict, she gets angry and I get triggered and shut down. The list of phrases you have in the guide is so helpful, too! I have often struggled how to respond with curiosity, and being able to at least say that I am stonewalling or need to take a break. I'm looking forward to watching more of your videos and learning more!
I'm so glad to hear it was helpful ❤️ You might be interested in watching this conversation I had with my pal Mark Groves and his wife Kylie, as they also have opposite responses to conflict (she shuts down, he wants to talk it out) and they share how they work through it together: th-cam.com/video/AL1hLmiaXHU/w-d-xo.html
Thank you so much for your beautiful work! Have you considered writing a book about how to mindfully communicate in adult relationships? I know I can’t be the only one that grew up in a family that didn’t know how to healthily express themselves. I appreciate how quickly you delve down to the root of a problem. Holding up that mirror helps me see ways that I can grow and be a cycle-breaker. I appreciate you!
Thank you, Rochelle! I appreciate you, too. ❤ Boundary Boss is all about talking true and being authentically known, and it has many scripts as well.
@@terri_cole Thank you! I can’t wait to read it! 😊
This was such a great breakdown! Straight to the point with just enough detail. Thank you for your help!
So glad it was helpful!
I just ordered Boundary Boss and can't wait to get into it. Terri, you make these concepts so relatable and I like how you differentiate between the old-school understanding of boundaries as in enabling a person with substance abuse (Codependent no More) into the broader subject which so many of us suffer from beginning in our families, growing up. Also, as an agnostic person, I'm not that comfortable with books that go into the whole Higher Power thing. If that works for some, great. It just doesn't resonate with me. I originally saw you on the Women of Impact channel, and wow, you ARE a woman of impact and a boundary boss! Can't thank you enough.
Thank you soooo much ❤️ I hope you love Boundary Boss, and I am glad to have you here on the channel!
Hi Terri. I was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder and major depression when I was younger. Over the years I've gained control over my moods. I have been in a relationship for the past 6 years, but lately I have had some very bad mood swings I feel are do to meds I've been on, gabapentin and methocarbamol, which are known medications that cause severe mood swings as well. I have recently stopped taking them and have been reaching out for help because it has cost me the person I love dearly. I left to get better and somehow I've made things worse by wanting to try and talk about our problems and I end up flying off the handle. I want to be better and show her that I'm doing all I can? I know I don't have the best listening skills, but I do listen, it's hard to talk about a lot of things between us, without leading to a fight and I don't try and fight with her. Without either one of us figuring out anything and she has shut me out completely now and doesn't want to discuss anything and doesn't believe a word I say when I know I've messed up. I've apologized for things I said that I didn't mean, I have told her it's my head not her and that I am getting help. Is there any advice you can give me?
I am so sorry to hear about your painful situation. ❤️ It sounds like you're already doing what you can- getting help sounds like the best option, as it is focusing on your side of the street and what is within your control.
Wow! You hit every key point that are big issues in my relationship. I’m going to order your book. Through what you’ve described, childhood traumas have caused unconscious ways to react when triggered for both of us. I praying we can both make permanent changes in the ways we react to conflict, with your guidance from your book.
I see you, Denise ❤️ You're not alone. I hope Boundary Boss helps! I also have this short video with a script on diffusing arguments: th-cam.com/video/H7gmwfqTWpM/w-d-xo.html
This Channel is absolutely fantastic. Thank you Terri.
Hi fellow watchers, I am Will 29, and I am on a journey of learning how to listen better and communicate more thoughtfully during discussions in all relationships.
Currently I am a poor listener, I jump between wanting to resolve and then into defence mode and eventually when things aren’t resolved I jump into silent and withdrawn mode. This behavioural pattern of mine has lost me an amazing partner and I recognise how damaging I was, unfortunately it is too late for that relationship however, I am on a self betterment journey and I’m excited to be a better version of myself.
I am cheering you on, Will 🙌🙌
@ thank you Terri 🙏
Hello Terri, I want to start off saying thank you for these amazing videos. I'm currently working on myself when it comes to being less impulsive, less defensive, being an active listener amongst others. I truly appreciate the time you take in these videos♥
I really want to be less impulsive and defensive.
You are so welcome! I am cheering you on ❤️
Great information. Wonderful presentation, really spoke to me on how I want to live and behave in a relation.
So glad you liked it 💕
It’s interesting! I had a situation take place Wednesday night (it’s Friday now) and I knew this morning that I need to start understanding HOW to learn about what I need MORE. I went through 1-2 videos and this is definitely THE ONE I needed most!! I’m giving myself props for the progress I’ve made and how the way I communicated Wednesday is better than what was modeled to me as a child, however, there were definitely still loopholes that just got detangled and clarified by watching this video. I see room for improvement on my end and definitely would like to find the courage to follow back up with my friend to see if they will be open to understanding what I need better. It’s exhausting to keep telling them that who I am now is not who I will be in the future because the same freezing and inability to communicate in the moment keeps happening, and I hope they are still on the journey as I keep unfolding my myth but I do realize this will take some time and effort. These scripts are heaven sent because as I’m listening I’m like “ohhhhh I just don’t have the proper language!!!! So I stumble in the moment not realizing that this is what I need”. I’m totally down to grow from these scripts thank you Terri this gives me so much faith that my desire to grow will not just stop at a desire but there’s an actual path I can take and practice and start to implement to reprogram how I deal with conflict and communication! Thank you thank you thank you !!
I am so glad you found my video, Tanasha ❤️ The right words can help a lot. I am cheering you on!
M
Terri you always, ALWAYS speak my truth and open my eyes to my own behaviors. Thank you.
Thank you for watching and being here ❤️
WOW- thank you for this video! The way you explained listening to understand what need is going unmet made perfect sense. The scripting you've offered will be such a help in future conversations. Hooray!!
I'm so glad to hear this video was helpful for you ❤️❤️
Hi! I just wanted to say the way you teach is absolutely beautiful. Thank you for not making us feel evil, but helping people who struggle with this situation :)
Thank you so much ❤️❤️
I am so grateful that I found your videos!! I have struggled with handling conflicts for years....what you said is so true and helpful. Thank you!
Well I am happy you're here! ❤️
5:10 this was a very helpful template on starting effectively communicating. Thank you Terri
I'm so glad to hear it was helpful for you 💕
Great tools and scripts. Thanks so much! I had forgotten I was once an excellent listener. I guess when I/we stop being aware that our own “clutter” is out of control, its hard to hear others and even bigger - its hard to realize we stopped listening.
Thank you for sharing that, Beverly 💕
you are amazing. I saved this episode because you truly have some great pointers. Next is checking out your guide. I'm in conflict with my guy right now and I apparently suffer from Blockers #3 and 4 and no longer want that to be my truth. I didnt realize I was such a shitty communicator or my own needs. I'm so used to being an advocate for other people that i have neglected advocating for myself. This is something I really have to work on. You are pretty and have a vey pleasant voice to listen to and i feel you did great getting your messages across. Thank you for doing what you do. You're amazing.
So glad this episode was helpful for you ❤️
Most men, mine included, don’t want to talk about things so much. If there’s an issue mine will talk it through but if I keep “checking in” he’s like, why do we keep talking about the relationship every month? Everything’s fine. The checking in has given him the impression that I’m not happy or that I’m insecure about the relationship. So, no “state of the union” for us.
I am so sorry to hear your partner isn't open to checking in 💕
I despise conflict and usually fawn or don't know what to say until after. Usually it's someone intentionally ensuing conflict for their own personal power trip. Most people that have emotional intelligence I can have discussions with. Unless they're dedicated to misunderstanding or twisting me to fit their narrative.
Terri, thank God I found you. I have never been to therapy, feel i need it but don't have the resources. With your videos I do see that I am a big part of the problem, m highly defensive, m a master silent treator and of course its the other person s fault. I don't want to point out what I think they might be doing 'wrong' coz I know thats my perception of things, wrong or right. I do though wanna work on me feeling better about myself enough that m not so thin skinned when I feel criticised, that I dont shut down for days on end. Lustening to your videos make me feel like I might be onto some home made therapy sessions. I have started jotting down stuff and think I should make that my morning routine and download those guides. Thank you for all you do. Heres to a better enough me. God bless you Terri, you already are blessed❤
Thank you so much for the kind words, and I am so glad this was helpful ❤️❤️❤️ I have another video about how to be less defensive coming out soon because you are so not alone in this struggle.
wow, terri. i just found you! really appreciate your practical tips. i am dealing with an estrangement from my 26 yr old. who "ghosted" me on his birthday last year. i continue to work on myself, knowing that things change when i change. best wishes for a fulfilling and prosperous practice.
I'm so glad you found my channel, Wendy ❤️ Thank you for sharing, and I am cheering you on as you continue to work on yourself.
Hi 👋 everyone, I’m new to the channel. Wow! I’m so grateful for this channel and am exciting to explore more of your content. Thank you Terri Cole 🙏❤️
Hi there Zelma! Thanks so much for being part of my crew here ❤️
Vry effective vdo lecture bt.as a professional in my opinion when conflicts occur, concerned teams nd employees r encouraged to sort out these out themselves nd grow.When mistakes r made they are used as learning experiences.In my opinion some important tips r what is the impact they have of using the developmental style of dealing with conflicts, How do they manage conflicts, state positive and negative impact on employees nd organization, of the style they use, What percentage of them seem to use the developmental style nd how many use coercive or authoritarian or any other dysfunctional styles, what communication skills Strategies they adopt to rectify the conflicts etc.Effective nd humble communication strategy always give good results in such cases in my view in brief.Conductng meeting on regular basis used to help employees learn nd overcome from prime causes of conflicts.Vry.Inspiring and innovative lecture ma'am.Thanx for your point of views.
I've learned so much from you today! I can't wait to apply all of this wisdom. Thanks all of this generosity!
You are so welcome ❤️
Thank you for your wisdom (and experience ha ha). I am in a conflict situation at this moment and applying this approach is a great shift in myself. I am doing it intuitively, but your video makes thoughts clearer as well as understanding the other person's behavior which in itself reduces my defensiveness. I will keep watching your videos.
You are so welcome 💕 Keep following your intuition!
Thank you so much for making this info available! This is so eye-opening as to why I react the way I do and now I can begin to change and get out of the loop I have been in forever...thanks again!☺
I am so glad this was helpful ❤️
Excellent strategies.
Thank you I learned a lot. I love watching your videos I communicate, but when I am threatened, I shut down and then become resentful so this teaches me how to take care of what I need and also consider the other person.
I see you and feel you, Bonnie ❤️
Amazing video Thank You For This
Finished your book Boundary Boss on Audible.. what an awesome listen! Thank you so much Terry! ❤
I'm so glad you enjoyed it ❤️❤️
I recently found your channel, and I'm really enjoying your insights. I am attempting to learn how to solve conflicts and stop being defensive in hopes of saving my marriage. I am also autistic and have ADHD, which adds a lot of challenges. Thank you so much for the guide with scripts and sentence starters. I am looking forward to reading it and hopefully implementing it in my conversations. 😊
Thank you so much for taking the time, both to leave this comment and for watching ❤️❤️ I so appreciate you, and I hope you continue to find my videos helpful!
Thanks for your help and advice 👍 😊
Wassup Terri I just want to thank You so much. Due to My communication issues and My anger and aggression I almost lost My Wife. I Love Her so much We've been together since We were 13 and We're 28 now We have 2 beautiful children together and without Your help Our marriage may have ended. Thank You so much for Your words of help.
I'm so glad my video helped you and your wife ❤️
Thanks! So interesting!
With love from Ukraine ❤
❤️❤️
Prayers for your safety and peace. 🙏💙💛
Your channel is very helpful. Thank you❤🌹🙏
I'm so glad my videos are helpful ❤️
Thank you Mrs. Cole.
❤️
I started to really want to learn to communicate better. I want to move up at work.my commication skills have always been the issue
I see you, Kathy ❤️ You might like this video on communication skills, too: th-cam.com/video/6VzYVqHftew/w-d-xo.html It's got more tips related to the workplace.
Hi Terri, I saw this title and thought it could be helpful to me because I definitely relate to what you spoke about shutting down during conflict. I have done this in my relationship when my partner raises their tone and is argumentative and I would say ot makes sense with a freezing response. It is so frustrating! I feel like I get a lump in my throat and physically cannot get words out to speak my side. I also noticed this happen again in a work conflict. I am trying to grow a private physical therapy practice and over the phone a patients husband just totally tore into me over the phone and it was all I could do to not cry on the other end and keep my composure. I do feel like I am too thin skinned at times and really want to change this because you cannot run a business this way. This video is a great starting point to learn and develop some tools. Thank you!
I am so sorry you experienced that over the phone ❤️ You are not alone in this. It might also help to set boundaries, especially with clients: "I will not tolerate verbal abuse." "The way you are speaking to me is not okay."
Great information
Thank you for sharing all your advice and tips. ❤❤❤
You're so welcome 💕
Thank you for an informative video. This is why counseling is so important because it provides effective strategies for situations one is in.
You are so welcome ❤️
Not everyone is equal in life interesting topic i liked it a lot in school i was shy backward and shy trouble communicating with people i have learned a lot since getting out real life working it helped with opening able to communicate with people working in department stores it has open helped me with my communicating skills making friends talking to them and my customers
I am enjoying listening to you and your wisdom is appreciated. Thank you, Coleen Johnston.
So glad to hear that, Coleen ❤️
Great topic. Thanks!
Hi Terri! Thank you so much for explaining things so clearly. I just ordered your book and joined your VIP group and am so excited to have found you. You really hit the nail on the head when it comes to speaking your mind without losing your head. Thank you.
I am so happy to hear this, Ruth ❤️ Glad it resonated with you! Look forward to seeing you in the VIP space. ❤️
@@terri_cole I am gobbling up your book and enjoying it so thoroughly I feel like a starving man who finally got something nourishing to eat. I’ve studied with so many different visionaries who dance around the edge and have helped me a bit, but you have gotten to the heart of the matter. Thank you.
Thank you for sharing this video it is Amazing how much l have learnt love to see more videos of u .
So glad it was helpful ❤️
Hi Terri Im just trying to learn how to change the toxic cycle I've learned growing up and believing it was normal .. Thanks for these videos 🙏
You are so welcome, Felicia ❤️ I am cheering you on!
Thank you once again.This subject matter is important to me.Happy Thanksgiving .God Bless You and Yours
Thanks! Breaking it down into those four categories was very easy to understand and identify with.
So glad it was helpful ❤️
Hi terri i’m ivey, i absolutely love the strategy of writing down what is bothering me to communicate it to my partner so it’s effectively getting out and we’re learning how to problem solve correctly. I love your advice and how passionate you are about helping people with these hardships. being able to reshape myself as an adult and getting help from people like you gives me hope that i can do it. thank you!
Right on Ivey, I am cheering you on along this journey, and thank you for being part of my crew ❤️
Thank you for the strategies. I’ve been struggling with boundaries and all that comes with it. This video has been an eye opener to my life. Your strategies and the way you explain things are invaluable. I have your book and watch your videos daily, it has helped transform my life. I finally am able to have space in the world and learning how to better live life. ❤❤❤❤
Thank you so much ❤️ So glad you're finding the information helpful!
I stop conversations to prevent the argument when it gets heated up. My husband thinks I’m avoiding discussions. Before I started this hurtful things are said you can’t retract, things get broken, aggression heightened.
I see you ❤️ Is it possible to establish a shared understanding/agreement of hitting pause on conversations when they begin to get heated, this way your husband knows you'll come back to it when things are calmer?
Hello, my name is Nina I’m new to your channel but love your content! Thanks for all you do! ❤
Thank you so much for this informative and valuable video. My man and I listened to this together now, and have reflected on what we could do better through our old inhibiting techniques. At the beginning of our relationship still. However, being able to recognize these things early on and discuss them, is going to help us prepare better for our future! Can’t wait to tune into more of your videos. Thanks again!
I am so glad to hear you watched it and reflected together ❤️ It is great you two are able to talk about it early on in the relationship!
New here, this was great and was needed. Thank you.🙏🏼
So glad it was helpful!
New to this channel, listening from Dar e Salaam, Tanzania🇹🇿
Welcome, so glad to have you here!
Sometimes the silence is used to survive.
im new here, i have been having problems in my long distance relationships, because of how defensive i am, and i really want to change it, im a teen and i want to develop into a emotionally mature adult in the future, but i mainly watch this videos to see how i can improve so o dont hurt my partner, thank you for all the information u give
I love how you're already seeking out information to improve your relationships ❤️ You will find a lot of tips on my channel! I just did this video on 7 steps to take to stop being defensive a few months back: th-cam.com/video/thPuQxYeWw0/w-d-xo.html
This really helps.
I'm so glad to hear it ❤️
Wow. Stone walling is habit of mine. I shutdown once I'm bothered and I am so good at it. I feel like I've taught myself that it's the "the better option" because it's better for me to be quiet than to blurt out something hurtful. But communicating that I need a minute is such a better option, that way I can come back to the issue once I have gathered my thoughts in a healthy way. Thanks!
You're welcome! And I feel you on this ❤️
I have experienced this in my last relationship, I was dealing with surgery on my body, and also the passing of a loved one. I found myself feeling a lot of different emotions, and couldn’t identify nor could I properly articulate what I was feeling or needing- I would get so overwhelmed and shut down in response. I just couldn’t get my mind to slow down or make sense of anything. I didn’t know what It was or why I got so overwhelmed and it’s taken my a year or so- to learn how to tune into my emotions & identify them. I hope Ifind someone who will reciprocate the growth that i’ve gained in my next relationship.
I hope you find that person, too 💕 Thank you for sharing.
I just love your clear and forward communication style! So different - and necessary 😅- compared to the Swedish way. You are an inspiration and lifesaver and Iook to your pod, videos, guides and newsletters whenever I feel insecure about how to handle a situation as the high functioning codependent that I am. 😅 SO good and so helpful! Thank you Terri for all your great and meaningful work! ❤️❤️
Thank you so much for leaving this note, Katarina 💕 I appreciate you being part of my crew!