Being in a toxic household makes you react first than to respond. It became a serious issue of mine where I've always been reflecting on myself noticing that it's my wrong.. You come to defensive mode, you get triggered, feel low, less and you become toxic without even noticing.. I think reflecting on our actions is kinda hard thing but a necessary thing. What's the sad thing is, it's even more difficult to explain this to someone..
I'm embarassed to admit that its taken me this long to realise that I have poor listening skills. In the span of 2 years, any fight ive had with my girlfriend was caused by me not listening. Its been brought up and I've been trying but i wasn't trying in the right way. I was still not listening to her and still trying to fix the problem instead of hearing her fully. This video was helpful in giving me the knowledge on how best to improve myself to give my partner what she deserves.
Hey same here I give us our credits for finally coming to the acknowledgment and self realization from my partners n my kids I yell a lot My tone is always aggressive I over talk And assume I’m working on it But knowing and continually doing it sucks 😅because ya Ik but I cannot keep doing the same thing. A lot steams from not being heard or feeling taken advantage of so I’m seeking on yt google n within on how to respond and react when triggered like they say yelling isn’t gonna change anything 🤦🏽♀️ well it’s a weapon I use to justify how I’m feeling which doesn’t make it right Yes I have insecurities within n trust issues with the past so the relationship is a challenge however if my partner could understand how there actions make me feel I would feel better and connected so it’s like within I be wanting to break up and then outwardly sht that would be for everything which isn’t right nor loyal but the fact that the pass wasn’t smooth n it’s a struggle tryna come to a common ground we both just feel our views are right n nothing is never solved
I’ve been studying psychology for the last 3 years and having recently got into a serious relationship after being mostly single for the last 10 years. I’ve just realised after several disagreements that I am very defensive in most of my relationships. It’s so deeply ingrained in me to be defensive that I don’t even realise it, I just go into attack/wounded mode. Now I’ve had this deep realisation that being defensive is damaging my relationships, I can do something about it. Just feels kinda rough to know I’ve got to his age without realising this :(
Hey katie, dont feel discouraged please. Its amazing the realisation you have had and i think it couldnt have come at any better time. The universe works in magical ways and who knows maybe the other relationships (even as friends) didnt deserve this type of nurturing from you. I admire the fact that you were able to open your eyes to whats going on. Some people are dead and still havent opened their eyes!
Being defensive has been a huge struggle for me. I have gotten to the point where I can let things roll off my back at work, but my relationship with my partner suffers because I assume I am being attacked when I'm not. Thank you for sharing your insight with us!
My family members always had something negative to say about me from since I was young, I always stayed quiet, and felt sad. Then as I got older I started to defend my self. It got so bad that I even get defensive at work when my managers speak to me. 😞
I just lost a longtime friendship, due to me being "defensive." I realized that I still have multiple types of unhealed trauma, such as sibling abuse, neighborhood bullying and abandonment. I am crying as I write this! I wish I didn't feel this way!
This video just saved my marriage. I knew I was contributing to our problems but could not figure out how or how to change it. Now I can see the cycle and solutions clearly! Thank you! 🙏🏽
I hope I can find the same help. I stonewall when my wife wants to have serious conversations. I get so anxious, nervous and afraid and I’ve not been able to ever get over it. And it’s caused so many terrible issues in our relationship.
I've been defensive for the longest time and I did not even realize it. Always thought that me explaining why I did something or how I did it, makes it easier for the other person, especially if it's something that hurt them. It's about time I unlearn this. Thanks
Thank you for sharing this. I am sure you are not alone in how you feel. I am glad to hear you are committed to growing. I am witnessing you and sending you strength.
SAME! I just learned this today. I always overexplain in an attempt to be understood and had no idea it was defensiveness. I have a lot more work to do than I thought. :/
@@wizzyb9761 cheers to you for being able to see thyself in such a way that opens up self growth 👏🏼 Not many ppl are brave enough to look in the mirror ~ most are too busy pointing fingers (not realizing when you point a finger at someone else, 4 are pointing back at them 😉)
Wow. This video just made me discover myself. I am a certified defender, I recently lost the love of my life because every time she tried to talk to me about issues I would instantly feel attacked and get defensive. She called me out on it too but I was so blind and didn’t even realize how much I was hurting her and our relationship. It hurts so much knowing I could’ve been so much better for her, and that it took me so long to discover this about myself.
I applaud your honesty and I commend you for being open minded enough to see it, recognize it and most importantly to take responsibility in such a public way. If only more people were willing to look at themselves so honestly, imagine how many relationships could be saved? Hugs from Canada 🇨🇦
I have come to realise that am getting extremely defensive and like I don't give myself time to really listen..really process another person's point of view..I think am too sensitive..and I need to unlearn it..I need to learn how to get ,understand. Hear out another person's point of view..instead of always playing the victim and justifying my actions
Man what an eye opening video. As a kid my dad was so critical of everything I did and all I wanted to do was make him happy, so I’m extremely defensive. Now I employ this on my wife and anytime she asks a question a take it personally. Man I’m horrible for that.
Katie, have hope, I'm 64 and my kids just pointed out how defensive and teary I get when they have issues with me. So, we're all on the learning path. In my case, my son stopped talking to me because it never went anywhere. He said get therapy, which I have started, but that doesn't seem to be addressing this issue. This episode alone, did more for me than the last 2 months of therapy sessions. Thank you Terri for your concise, approach to how to address this issue. I'm so glad I found you and looking forward to catching up on your podcasts.
You can listen to the other person and also listen to yourself and your own needs. Advocating for your own needs is not being a doormat. Putting your partnership above your need to be right is also not being a doormat. It's about coming together and compromising and it is hard to do that from a place where you are always trying to defend that you're right. You can listen AND work in partnership.
Give the abuser a stonewalling or discard him or her .....some folks are narcissists , sociopaths and psychopaths ......silence treatment is the best response to a fool ...loving people is an accutate solution some time some pepple you gotta love them from a distance because you don't know what they 're doing behind close door......i will never compromise my pride dignity sanity and integrity to anyone in this universe.......love yourself to walk away from anything that doesn't serve you ....
A lot of times people tell me over and over again to stop being defensive on the actually being offensive and I want to times I have reasons for me defending himself I honestly do not just do it just to be doing and I’m being defensive is ready for a valid reason and I think a lot of people when they say stop being defensive a lot of times they’re doing it so they could do what they want
This is an old comment but I want you to know I completely feel you right how. And I know no one can tell me how to do that. Or if it’s the right thing to do. But we alone probably know and tell ourselves but can’t just yet.... I get you 💕
Very helpful and thank you. I am a natural fighter and defensive person… it stems from my childhood and the more I continue to heal within the more I am committed to being the best version of myself. I don’t want to fight anyone and I don’t care about being right…. I want peace
So I had a fight with my man and I appreciate this video that explains all that happened. He wanted to win in a debate but I wanted to understand him more in a dialog. Debate and dialog are same to him as taking. I hope after watching this he can understand the difference and how intention behind taking makes a difference. ❤
Wow, this made me understand how I am part of the problem and issues in my relationship. I want to be better for me and for those I love around me. I am very defensive and my past isn’t an excuse . Im ready to move forward and work on these things about myself.
Its crazy because most people (or just me) dont even realize they are being defensive. I heard your story about your boss and i rlly saw myself in that.
I’m here because I’m completely alone. Alienated myself from my family, my significant other and my best friend. I’m very lost and here to try and correct instead of continuing in this trap. I’m grateful for this priceless information.
I love this conversation so much. I have realized that the softness you are speaking about will come to me the more I build my emotional awareness and develop myself emotionally. I was just reflecting on my life and I realized that I have been in survival mode up until a little over a year ago when it became apparent to me that I lacked emotional safety right from my family of origin. It is the reason why I have struggled to maintain healthy relationships, have struggled to even grow in my career, I struggled to maintain a good relationship with my siblings and I even talked myself out of parenting because within myself I could see that I was lacking somewhere but it wasn't until I started to do more healing work and learning how to connect with my emotions and rewire them that I realized that some of these things like letting go of defensiveness and fear of criticism will come to you as you keep rewiring your emotional circuitry and building emotional safety within yourself. That is when the changes start to really happen. You become less insecure about yourself and have room for empathy and an ability to listen to others and hold space for them. But you can't achieve all that before you do this work on yourself first.
I wish there was a hug emoji rather than just a thumbs up 'like'...well done and so insightful with understanding about who you are and why. Hugs from Canada 🇨🇦
Very profound insight on the connections of yourself and emotions and the defensiveness. Being someone who has 2 kids and a husband with a struggling marriage so you have abhorrent recommend any resources you used to get this work started or a starting point??
I’m here in 2024, trying to be intentional about my social media use by listening to videos that help me improve or that I love in some way, and I just felt like the sentence “do you want to be right or do you want to be understood “ hit me like a freight train and brought tears to my eyes. I only want to be understood and felt isolated and alone as a child, so when I get defensive I feel like my inner child trying to protect me but really it’s just caging me in and not giving my partner a chance to understand me. Thank you for this video!
Thankyou so much! I wasn’t aware that I was being defensive, my goal was to give reassurance but this video helped me realize I am doing the exact opposite of that. I want to work on my communication skills and listening skills to strengthen my relationship with the love of my life
Just discovered you thanks to Women With Impact and I adore your energy and how you explain things. Thank you so much for all that you share with the world. I’m truly inspired by women like you and I’m truly grateful I get to hear your wise words. ❤
Yes you have to stop being defensive sir...learn to respond versus of reacting... I dont mean to be vulgar , rude or disrespectful sir... Take care of yoursel... And i wish you well...
Im looking for an immigration Attorney if you could please.....i know you in person i have never meet you before ...my instinct tell me perhaps you might be of help ...i will be waiting for your request promply...
@@elhadjdiallo633 Thank you, I have in fact come a long way since i wrote this 9 months ago. Doing a lot better than ever before, mcuh to the joy of everyone close to me.
I have myself a very good woman but I'm so hurt on the inside that I tend to take it out on pur relationship, communication being one .. I'm sick and tired of myself , I want to make this work between my partner and I. Thank you for your help! God bless you
This video is extremely helpful for me. Sometimes you do not even realize you are a defensive person until it is pointed out and that can bring a lot of guilt. These tips to dealing with it is so helpful. Thank you for sharing this wisdom!
You’re such a graceful and thoughtful communicator. This is my first time seeing you in my life but this video is sufficient for me to subscribe. Thank you for this.
I’ve been listening to this video almost every morning before work. I grew up in an abusive, extremist-religious household, and at nearly 30 years old, my natural instinct is still to go into self-protective mode. This video has been immensely helpful for me in saving my job and relationships. Thank you, thank you. ❤
Wow! Dialogue vs debate...that is a game changer for me. My husband and I are stuck in debate mode and we both end up losing....time for me to change the dance!
Listening is the bridge to intimacy, love it! Been looking for this. I have to start from the basics. I’ve been unable to have true intimacy for most my life. This helps so much, thank you!
My husband is a real one we both have our set childhood relearnings but we haven’t given up I struggle with this a lot and he needs to be heard because he didn’t get that as a child I was so used to spacing out it feels so good to finally have people be so open thank you sending love!
This hit me so hard Terri😰 For the first time I actually understood what is going on in my relationship… I know we have something amazing and beautiful, and could never understand why I always got defensive😢 I have so much work to do and first I need to get this deep rooted apology out.
Excellent topic. Very very important. Which makes me think of competitive people in a friendship or marriage. I had to end some friendships due to this reason.
Wow, I needed this video. My partner called me defensive during a heated conversation, and now i realise we have a lot of debates that i intend to be dialouge. I realise I am actually defensive, and i had no idea 😮 Thanks for the tips im going to start implementing.
I always wondered why I was getting triggered around debaters! I am a dialogue person... I dont want to go there! Its as simple as that. Thank you so much
New here! Im a psychologist myself and your channel is a gem! What a find. Love the calmness in your voice and the pace at which you speak. I have shared your channel with my loved ones. Thank you for putting out this content for free
I like the idea of the future request. It almost doesnt even give the person next you time to react and get defensive because youre already focused on solving the issue at hand. It might not be as simple in real life but you understand my point
I grew up in a home where that was my parents. Both very different personalities, but toxic traits the same. Mom way worse though. It is a debate every time, it is a waiting game to tell me how I am wrong. This brought out some angry feelings in me but not in a bad way. It’s confirmed trying to have dialogue with my parents might not ever be anything but a debate. I want to break the cycle. Thank you for this.
It is really hard to be "soft", when the other person's actions and/or words evoke very very strong emotions - can be triggered emotions. Delaying the conversation is not always appropriate or possible. Being from a dysfunctional family with a narcissistic father, where a lot of unconstructive hurtful toxic unhelpful (destructive) criticism was given out (critisicm from a stance of perfectionism and superiority), I understand, why people (including me) might deny reality and be defensive. I have found that it really is necessary to first try to discern, whether the criticism is constructive or destructive. Also, I have found it is helpful to discern, whether the criticizor is a toxic/narcissistic person or a good enough person. From what I have noticed - the worst type of defensiveness is actually agressive retaliation - person B says something that person A doesnt like (facts, opinion about politician, personal preferance for vacation, constructive criticism, etc) , so person A verbally attacks person B (sarcasm, yelling, destructive critisicm, passive-agressively, etc.)....
I've been trying to be less defensive, I just got into an ugly fight with my husband over a loose pot handle (because I handle them to roughly) and I got very defensive. Thank you for this video.
I'm witnessing you with compassion. It's ok to be human and have a reaction. As we get more awareness we can start to choose different reactions. Thank you for being here and for investing in yourself!
I used to have an answer and an opinion or comment on everything before the other person was finished taking. I’ve learned to stop that in my 50’s and become more interested in asking many questions. But now I feel very lonely because I’ve noticed people just want to talk and they never ask me anything. It’s been very lonely but I’ve noticed a shift and a balance happening lately. I think it’s also about falling in love with yourself and you will become less reactive because you get more self confidence.
I am witnessing you with compassion ❤️ I have a short video about how to navigate this situation here because it's unfortunately a common occurrence: th-cam.com/video/jPgCS4Dosqk/w-d-xo.html
Thank you so much for taking the time to put this conversation and these tips out there. So incredibly valuable and left me with a lot to think about 🙏🏼
Well thanks. I'm a man but I cried in the middle of this because I feel knowing listens within my family. It's confirming my thoughts that we shouldn't compete. I felt lost like what's wrong with me. Now I feel sad cuzz my family is so hurt. I will be soooooo much softer with my approach cuzz they are hurting only themselves now
This is so eye opening…I’m always wanting to be right and it causes some friendships and other relationships to end,so I’m grateful for this , hopefully I’m able to work on this to improve my relationships
Wonderful episode !!! I am guilty of interrupting a conversation …. LOVE to teach myself to become a much better listener and yes, it is so easy to go into defence mode. Great video. Am excited to learn much more 🙏❤️
Wow! This is the first time Ive come across your page and I am thoroughly enjoying your content! Thank you for sharing the treasure of your experience with us!
Omg .. I applied what u said about the constructive dialog at the end of the video on an argument that happened between me and my husband today, where I did exactly the opposite of your recommendations, and it almost ended up with a fight 😅 I just told him about what I learned from you .. he said: please, keep learning 😁😁😁 thank you for all the great tips, I have writen them all
Hi Terri, This is your first video I watched today and I simply loved the way you have explained the topic. Being defensive is such a deep rooted thing and you touched this topic in such an effective way that it really made me aware of the reason why I was struggling in my relationships. Thank you so so much Terri. 🙏
Thank you I messed up potential relationship because I became defensive when he kept talking about other women on our first date when I could have just communicated he was crossing my boundary
Yes 3 years later from when you posted this video but you definitely opened my eyes even more! been trying to be a better listener/partner for my relationship cause I’ve definitely been defensive alot more lately than usual! Just want everything perfect but I have to realize/remember I’m a homo sapient, in due time with work this consciousness’s ego will evolve to greater lengths ! Thanks !! 🖤
Thank you for this I feel like my relationship is falling apart because of my defensive actions and my listening skills I interrupt her I don’t listen when she asked me to do basic things most of all I make her feel like she can’t come to me for anything because I will make a fight out of it and I hate that I just wanna be there for her and be better but I feel like I mess up every time never have the right thing to say but I will work on taking my time before I speak to ensure that I don’t upset and make sure I don’t take everything to heart like I’m getting attacked
I think it's okay to be open with her and say something like, "Hey, I am working on being less defensive. When we get into conflict, I worry I will say the right thing and I shut down as a result. To help us have more constructive conflict, I'd like to take more time to thoughtfully respond, this way I don't become as defensive or frozen." This shows you're willing to try your best for the relationship. It also reframes it as you and her against the problem and not you and her against each other. 💕
This was so helpful to me. I have ruined my relationship with the best person on the planet because of my defensiveness & inability to communicate effectively. Thank you
Wow…I just had a light bulb go on after watching this! I realize I’m a large part of why my relationship is in the discord that it is. I just hope it’s not too late to change things around!
Brilliant! I am learning so much from you! My husband and I are BOTH defensive…a lot of love, but tough communication. Now I am aware of dialogue vs debate. Thank you so much for this…I am so looking forward to more videos on this topic…❤️
What about helping overly defensive people who would seek to defend themselves and hurt your feelings deeply every time you try to communicate with them? They turn every conversation into a debate, even though your intent was about communication. I once told them that I was deeply hurt by their defensiveness and their inability to listen. That person asked me to admit that they have hurt them (which is what they intend to do) and they simply brushed me off by laughing loudly at my vulnerability in my face. It has happened many times, repeatedly for many years. She would even take out her anger and frustration at me (especially after work) Out of self-love and self-respect, I have decided to move on and remove her from my life trusting that there are people out there capable of healthy communication and reliable relationships. I would say, you cannot change someone unless they are willing to change themselves.
You're not alone. I had to remove myself from family members. I still see them, but I don't engage with them. I just maintain a very diplomatic relationship with them. As soon as I see that it can get problematic, I take my distance. There's no other way. People like that, not always chage.
It can be hard to recognize when someone is misunderstanding on purpose. Narcissists and toxic people do that kind of thing a lot, and it can shade your perception on other interactions.
Thank you, this has truly affected me most of my life until and still struggling at times. My willingness to see how relationships thrive or dissolve has always been intriguing. Yet, putting into practice with others, I believe the other counterpart often stokes the embers .. like when e Eckhart speaks on the “ pain body “ unraveling takes practice. I’m an introvert so my subjects are few and far between. Mindfulness helps, with breathing, pausing and yes. Really listening. Thank you. No desire to win.
Terri ....you are an absolute BOSS ...💪🏼 at what you do and your detail description of not being defensive.... You were made to help people. Thank You so much ..🙏.. I will definitely share with others these words of wisdom ....
I realize now how defensive I am, and it is so not healthy for my relationship right now, I want to change for her and this video really opens my eyes on things, thank you so much for this video
@@terri_cole Was not expecting a response! I was wondering if I could message you for relationship advice somewhere? get some outside perspective on what I am going through?
Unfortunately, I no longer offer 1:1 coaching or therapy, but if you message my team, they can pass along a name of a therapist I recommend. (You can email support @ terricole.com without the spaces.) 💕
I’m with a narcissist partner, but I have gotten very defensive with him to the point of interrupting him. We are broken up right now and my defensiveness is one of the reasons. My heart is hurting badly but I know I have to work on it. Thank you so much for this great video! I’m doing so much better already. Sad that I’m 55 and just perfecting this. I’m sad. I might lose this relationship but I’m thankful that I found out many things I need to work on. I’m hurting but very thankful. Please pray for me. Thank you! Hugs!
I have grown so much in the past 7 years, and the only time I have found myself getting really defensive is when I have entered into a relationship with someone who has not yet realised & grown from being so defensive. I express I am not happy about something they get defensive, then I get defensive and we end up in a dedate like you mentioned, as time goes on because we both hurting the debates become more & more intense both feeling like the other one does not care until one of us walks away.. Even know I already had some knowledge I have learnt that I can still make improvements with how I approach a situation. Thank you for sharing I am always looking to improve and find solutions & you explain things so well in this video
Being married to someone who starts every exchange with a rationalizing explanation is exhausting... particularly after thirty years together - how do i gently help her get and stick to a point? great channel, blessings
I have struggled with that in my marriage of 32 years. Listening to her first and allowing her to feel understood first is what I have to do with my wife. Sometimes that’s a struggle for me and I have to write my point down so I don’t get distracted and led down a bunny trail away from the topic I was seeking discuss. I ask a few questions to understand her perspective better. When she feels understood she softens a little. I can then emphasize the future solution to my issue. That really seems to be the key for us. When my wife sees that I am looking to make my relationship better in the future she softens even more and she drops the defense to be part of the solution and we move forward. Oh yes, and PRAY!!!
Shuu firstly thank you for such a informative video. There are so many times that my husband has said I’m such a defensive person and I refused to believe that. To me I was simply interjecting so that I can clarify statements that I feel are wrong. I don’t know how many times he has said “You cannot communicate in a healthy manner”. Instead with whatever he would raise, I already had a counter argument. The truth is, I have noticed this about myself long before I got married. However it was always my partner who was wrong. But I do remember growing up, witnessing how my mother would speak to my step-dad. And I would be like, I never want to be like that in my marriage. I remember how strict my mom was. I remember how I would desperately want to communicate how I felt when she did something I didn’t like, that she would instead shout at me. I was never heard. And I kept saying “I’ll never be that person”. Little did I know, I turned out exactly that way. The only difference I made was , I didn’t shout. Cause my mom shouts. But in whatever tone I had, there was always an element of being defensive. I could and still can justify what I actually meant, without hearing the other person out. So for the first time, I looked for videos on what defensiveness looks like. Because I was convinced I wasn’t. Finding this video, yes I have a problem. It’s deeply engraved in me. I didn’t know how it looks like, it was just second nature to me. So I appreciate the video. I need the help so that I save my marriage and mostly become a better version of my self. Not be a victim of my upbringing.
Awesome video. I’ve finally embodied the non-defensive behaviors and have begun to be more of an active listener with my partner. I did get defensive in my words the other night though, but while being completely calm. She had to point out to me that the calm defensiveness felt unsafe. I don’t fully understand why explaining/clarifying myself is harmful, but I imagine I probably hadn’t validated her experience enough first. This video reminded me that I probably wasn’t listening as well as I should have. Those subtle defenses are much trickier than the obvious ones!
This information is so golden!! I'm working on myself and understanding my actions and the underlying issues.... I look forward to learning more from your channel!!
At school I was picked on, left out and laughed at. Home life I had my mum and her boyfriend picking on me, calling me ugly and putting me down. Also anything I said was wrong, and I was suddenly too “TALL” for cuddles. I haven’t hugged my mum for years because she doesn’t like hugging me. It’s come out with authority figures and when people try to tell me what to do. As you grow up, you realise you can defend yourself but it becomes a problem where you do it ALL the time
Here I am 😭I’m trying to heal so I can have a healthy relationship
Right on!!
Me too ✋ I'm defensive because I don't listen , I didn't notice this . I feel so lost , it's years now
Being in a toxic household makes you react first than to respond. It became a serious issue of mine where I've always been reflecting on myself noticing that it's my wrong..
You come to defensive mode, you get triggered, feel low, less and you become toxic without even noticing..
I think reflecting on our actions is kinda hard thing but a necessary thing.
What's the sad thing is, it's even more difficult to explain this to someone..
Thank you so much for sharing this 💕 "Being in a toxic household makes you react first than to respond" makes so much sense.
I'm embarassed to admit that its taken me this long to realise that I have poor listening skills. In the span of 2 years, any fight ive had with my girlfriend was caused by me not listening. Its been brought up and I've been trying but i wasn't trying in the right way. I was still not listening to her and still trying to fix the problem instead of hearing her fully. This video was helpful in giving me the knowledge on how best to improve myself to give my partner what she deserves.
Hey same here I give us our credits for finally coming to the acknowledgment and self realization from my partners n my kids
I yell a lot
My tone is always aggressive
I over talk
And assume I’m working on it
But knowing and continually doing it sucks 😅because ya Ik but I cannot keep doing the same thing. A lot steams from not being heard or feeling taken advantage of so I’m seeking on yt google n within on how to respond and react when triggered like they say yelling isn’t gonna change anything 🤦🏽♀️ well it’s a weapon I use to justify how I’m feeling which doesn’t make it right
Yes I have insecurities within n trust issues with the past so the relationship is a challenge however if my partner could understand how there actions make me feel I would feel better and connected so it’s like within I be wanting to break up and then outwardly sht that would be for everything which isn’t right nor loyal but the fact that the pass wasn’t smooth n it’s a struggle tryna come to a common ground we both just feel our views are right n nothing is never solved
I’ve been studying psychology for the last 3 years and having recently got into a serious relationship after being mostly single for the last 10 years. I’ve just realised after several disagreements that I am very defensive in most of my relationships. It’s so deeply ingrained in me to be defensive that I don’t even realise it, I just go into attack/wounded mode. Now I’ve had this deep realisation that being defensive is damaging my relationships, I can do something about it. Just feels kinda rough to know I’ve got to his age without realising this :(
Be kind with yourself, Katie. Let yourself be patient with the process and let it take time. ❤️
PWe said ii
Hey katie, dont feel discouraged please. Its amazing the realisation you have had and i think it couldnt have come at any better time. The universe works in magical ways and who knows maybe the other relationships (even as friends) didnt deserve this type of nurturing from you. I admire the fact that you were able to open your eyes to whats going on. Some people are dead and still havent opened their eyes!
@@valentinepetric3689 thank you ❤️
You are not alone. I’m doing the best I can to be better
1. Criticism
2. Defensiveness
3. Contempt and
4. Stonewalling
Being defensive has been a huge struggle for me. I have gotten to the point where I can let things roll off my back at work, but my relationship with my partner suffers because I assume I am being attacked when I'm not. Thank you for sharing your insight with us!
You're so welcome. Thanks for being here ❤️
At least you acknowledge you have a problem.
My family members always had something negative to say about me from since I was young, I always stayed quiet, and felt sad. Then as I got older I started to defend my self. It got so bad that I even get defensive at work when my managers speak to me. 😞
Yep!!! I totally can relate.
Same here with me.
Same here.
likewise.
Me too, we're in a pandemic of defensiveness
Because my family deemed me as the scapegoat I’ve been defending me since childhood, healing and growing past being defensive is my goal.
That is beautiful ❤️ It is difficult when it's an ingrained response from childhood, but so worth healing.
Debate vs Dialogue really made things clear on what I’ve been doing. I’ve always approached our confrontation like a debate
Thanks for sharing!
I just lost a longtime friendship, due to me being "defensive." I realized that I still have multiple types of unhealed trauma, such as sibling abuse, neighborhood bullying and abandonment. I am crying as I write this! I wish I didn't feel this way!
I am witnessing you with so much compassion and sending love your way ❤️❤️
Wow hold your head up it’s a good thing that you were able to see your end in it that’s progress
This video just saved my marriage. I knew I was contributing to our problems but could not figure out how or how to change it. Now I can see the cycle and solutions clearly! Thank you! 🙏🏽
I'm so glad this resonated with you, Isadora! Thank you for being here 🥰 Sending love to you and your partner.
Beautiful! I love when we all help one another!
I hope I can find the same help. I stonewall when my wife wants to have serious conversations. I get so anxious, nervous and afraid and I’ve not been able to ever get over it. And it’s caused so many terrible issues in our relationship.
i loved hearing that the bridge to intimacy is being an athletic listener.
Thank you for sharing that takeaway ❤️
I’m getting defensive watching this. lol
😂
Me, because I realized that I am guilty of stonewalling while I thought I was being silent to avoid saying something out of anger.
😂
😂😂😂
Stupid
I've been defensive for the longest time and I did not even realize it. Always thought that me explaining why I did something or how I did it, makes it easier for the other person, especially if it's something that hurt them.
It's about time I unlearn this. Thanks
Thank you for sharing this. I am sure you are not alone in how you feel. I am glad to hear you are committed to growing. I am witnessing you and sending you strength.
SAME! I just learned this today. I always overexplain in an attempt to be understood and had no idea it was defensiveness. I have a lot more work to do than I thought. :/
@@wizzyb9761 cheers to you for being able to see thyself in such a way that opens up self growth 👏🏼 Not many ppl are brave enough to look in the mirror ~ most are too busy pointing fingers (not realizing when you point a finger at someone else, 4 are pointing back at them 😉)
I have the exact same feeling. Need to unlearn this.
Wow. This video just made me discover myself. I am a certified defender, I recently lost the love of my life because every time she tried to talk to me about issues I would instantly feel attacked and get defensive. She called me out on it too but I was so blind and didn’t even realize how much I was hurting her and our relationship. It hurts so much knowing I could’ve been so much better for her, and that it took me so long to discover this about myself.
I am witnessing you with compassion and holding space for you as you discover more about what this means for you ❤️
This is an amazing revelation & I respect you for having the courage to acknowledge it ❤
Wow! This comment shows SO much growth. Well done for learning about yourself and trying to become better as a person and a partner.
I applaud your honesty and I commend you for being open minded enough to see it, recognize it and most importantly to take responsibility in such a public way. If only more people were willing to look at themselves so honestly, imagine how many relationships could be saved? Hugs from Canada 🇨🇦
Do you feel better? Do you find a new partner?
I have come to realise that am getting extremely defensive and like I don't give myself time to really listen..really process another person's point of view..I think am too sensitive..and I need to unlearn it..I need to learn how to get ,understand. Hear out another person's point of view..instead of always playing the victim and justifying my actions
Man what an eye opening video. As a kid my dad was so critical of everything I did and all I wanted to do was make him happy, so I’m extremely defensive. Now I employ this on my wife and anytime she asks a question a take it personally. Man I’m horrible for that.
I am witnessing you with compassion ❤️ That's a powerful insight to have!
Katie, have hope, I'm 64 and my kids just pointed out how defensive and teary I get when they have issues with me. So, we're all on the learning path. In my case, my son stopped talking to me because it never went anywhere. He said get therapy, which I have started, but that doesn't seem to be addressing this issue. This episode alone, did more for me than the last 2 months of therapy sessions. Thank you Terri for your concise, approach to how to address this issue. I'm so glad I found you and looking forward to catching up on your podcasts.
I love this. But how do I do this without feeling like I’m being a doormat and just being agreeable to keep the peace?
You can listen to the other person and also listen to yourself and your own needs. Advocating for your own needs is not being a doormat. Putting your partnership above your need to be right is also not being a doormat. It's about coming together and compromising and it is hard to do that from a place where you are always trying to defend that you're right. You can listen AND work in partnership.
Terri Cole Real Love RevolutionTM Thanks!!
Give the abuser a stonewalling or discard him or her .....some folks are narcissists , sociopaths and psychopaths ......silence treatment is the best response to a fool ...loving people is an accutate solution some time some pepple you gotta love them from a distance because you don't know what they 're doing behind close door......i will never compromise my pride dignity sanity and integrity to anyone in this universe.......love yourself to walk away from anything that doesn't serve you ....
A lot of times people tell me over and over again to stop being defensive on the actually being offensive and I want to times I have reasons for me defending himself I honestly do not just do it just to be doing and I’m being defensive is ready for a valid reason and I think a lot of people when they say stop being defensive a lot of times they’re doing it so they could do what they want
This is an old comment but I want you to know I completely feel you right how. And I know no one can tell me how to do that. Or if it’s the right thing to do. But we alone probably know and tell ourselves but can’t just yet.... I get you 💕
Very helpful and thank you. I am a natural fighter and defensive person… it stems from my childhood and the more I continue to heal within the more I am committed to being the best version of myself. I don’t want to fight anyone and I don’t care about being right…. I want peace
Love this, thanks for sharing ❤️
So I had a fight with my man and I appreciate this video that explains all that happened. He wanted to win in a debate but I wanted to understand him more in a dialog. Debate and dialog are same to him as taking. I hope after watching this he can understand the difference and how intention behind taking makes a difference. ❤
Thank you for sharing, so glad it was helpful ❤️
Wow, this made me understand how I am part of the problem and issues in my relationship. I want to be better for me and for those I love around me. I am very defensive and my past isn’t an excuse . Im ready to move forward and work on these things about myself.
Its crazy because most people (or just me) dont even realize they are being defensive. I heard your story about your boss and i rlly saw myself in that.
That's why I'm all about us raising our awareness 💕 So glad you could see yourself in the story I shared!
i think its apart of human nature, that we are in a state of survival in all aspects so we get defensive to survive or live
I’m here because I’m completely alone. Alienated myself from my family, my significant other and my best friend.
I’m very lost and here to try and correct instead of continuing in this trap. I’m grateful for this priceless information.
I see you ❤️
I love this conversation so much. I have realized that the softness you are speaking about will come to me the more I build my emotional awareness and develop myself emotionally. I was just reflecting on my life and I realized that I have been in survival mode up until a little over a year ago when it became apparent to me that I lacked emotional safety right from my family of origin. It is the reason why I have struggled to maintain healthy relationships, have struggled to even grow in my career, I struggled to maintain a good relationship with my siblings and I even talked myself out of parenting because within myself I could see that I was lacking somewhere but it wasn't until I started to do more healing work and learning how to connect with my emotions and rewire them that I realized that some of these things like letting go of defensiveness and fear of criticism will come to you as you keep rewiring your emotional circuitry and building emotional safety within yourself. That is when the changes start to really happen. You become less insecure about yourself and have room for empathy and an ability to listen to others and hold space for them. But you can't achieve all that before you do this work on yourself first.
Thank you for sharing and being here ❤️
I wish there was a hug emoji rather than just a thumbs up 'like'...well done and so insightful with understanding about who you are and why. Hugs from Canada 🇨🇦
Very profound insight on the connections of yourself and emotions and the defensiveness. Being someone who has 2 kids and a husband with a struggling marriage so you have abhorrent recommend any resources you used to get this work started or a starting point??
I’m here in 2024, trying to be intentional about my social media use by listening to videos that help me improve or that I love in some way, and I just felt like the sentence “do you want to be right or do you want to be understood “ hit me like a freight train and brought tears to my eyes. I only want to be understood and felt isolated and alone as a child, so when I get defensive I feel like my inner child trying to protect me but really it’s just caging me in and not giving my partner a chance to understand me. Thank you for this video!
I am witnessing you with so much compassion, Courtney ❤️ Thank you for sharing this with us.
This made me cry... I need to change my responses
I'm cheering you on and holding space for you.
@@terri_cole Thank you, I'm trying but there seems to be a barrier, and I'm not sure what it is...
@@jtcarrey Fear of confrontation?
@@desigirlincanada_pg hmm... probably, still battling this!
You are not alone. We all have work to do. This was a great first step for all of us! (hugs)
As a guy this even helped. Thank you Terri Cole
As a man i actually am learning this to be less defensive to be better to guys out there we need to learn to listen and umderstanding
Cheering you on, Allen 🙌
Damn . You've mastered the art of talking
My husband just described me as a complainer. I recognized that I probably am. This talk helped me see myself. Thank you.
❤️
I think you just. changed. my life. Thank you. Thank you 1000x
💕
I like the bit about being "future-focused" when talking about a "past" misdemeanour. So much more constructive. 👏
Thanks for sharing ❤️
Thankyou so much! I wasn’t aware that I was being defensive, my goal was to give reassurance but this video helped me realize I am doing the exact opposite of that. I want to work on my communication skills and listening skills to strengthen my relationship with the love of my life
It sounds like you're on your way ❤️
Just discovered you thanks to Women With Impact and I adore your energy and how you explain things. Thank you so much for all that you share with the world. I’m truly inspired by women like you and I’m truly grateful I get to hear your wise words. ❤
Well thank you for coming over here to check out my channel! I appreciate you and I'm so glad you're enjoying my videos 💕
Thank you, I need to stop this because I'm emotionally hurting people around me by doing it.
Yes you have to stop being defensive sir...learn to respond versus of reacting... I dont mean to be vulgar , rude or disrespectful sir... Take care of yoursel... And i wish you well...
Im looking for an immigration Attorney if you could please.....i know you in person i have never meet you before ...my instinct tell me perhaps you might be of help ...i will be waiting for your request promply...
I was saying i don't know you in person and have never met you before
@@elhadjdiallo633 Thank you, I have in fact come a long way since i wrote this 9 months ago. Doing a lot better than ever before, mcuh to the joy of everyone close to me.
@@elhadjdiallo633
Thank you and God bless you!😊❤
I have myself a very good woman but I'm so hurt on the inside that I tend to take it out on pur relationship, communication being one .. I'm sick and tired of myself , I want to make this work between my partner and I. Thank you for your help! God bless you
This video is extremely helpful for me. Sometimes you do not even realize you are a defensive person until it is pointed out and that can bring a lot of guilt. These tips to dealing with it is so helpful. Thank you for sharing this wisdom!
I am so glad it was helpful for you, Megan! ❤️
You’re such a graceful and thoughtful communicator. This is my first time seeing you in my life but this video is sufficient for me to subscribe.
Thank you for this.
That warms my heart to hear 💕 Welcome to my channel!
I’ve been listening to this video almost every morning before work. I grew up in an abusive, extremist-religious household, and at nearly 30 years old, my natural instinct is still to go into self-protective mode. This video has been immensely helpful for me in saving my job and relationships. Thank you, thank you. ❤
I am so happy to hear it's providing value for you 💕
Wow! Dialogue vs debate...that is a game changer for me. My husband and I are stuck in debate mode and we both end up losing....time for me to change the dance!
Listening is the bridge to intimacy, love it! Been looking for this. I have to start from the basics. I’ve been unable to have true intimacy for most my life. This helps so much, thank you!
I am so glad it's helpful to you!
My husband is a real one we both have our set childhood relearnings but we haven’t given up I struggle with this a lot and he needs to be heard because he didn’t get that as a child I was so used to spacing out it feels so good to finally have people be so open thank you sending love!
❤️❤️❤️
This hit me so hard Terri😰
For the first time I actually understood what is going on in my relationship… I know we have something amazing and beautiful, and could never understand why I always got defensive😢 I have so much work to do and first I need to get this deep rooted apology out.
So glad it resonated ❤️
Excellent topic. Very very important. Which makes me think of competitive people in a friendship or marriage. I had to end some friendships due to this reason.
Kindly, keep non-English speaking people in mind while presenting, your topics are very helpful and effective.
Thank you for watching 💕 Is there something specific you'd like to see in my videos that would be helpful for you?
Wow, I needed this video. My partner called me defensive during a heated conversation, and now i realise we have a lot of debates that i intend to be dialouge. I realise I am actually defensive, and i had no idea 😮 Thanks for the tips im going to start implementing.
You're so welcome, glad these tips helped ❤️
Thank you!! This makes me realize how I communicate 💛
I'm so glad it was helpful for you ❤️
I always wondered why I was getting triggered around debaters! I am a dialogue person... I dont want to go there! Its as simple as that. Thank you so much
So true!," Its better to be happy then proving this or that that's right.. 👍🏼
I get defensive which causes all the problems you mentioned accurately.
This is definitely useful and helpful. Thank you so much
You are welcome!
New here! Im a psychologist myself and your channel is a gem! What a find. Love the calmness in your voice and the pace at which you speak. I have shared your channel with my loved ones. Thank you for putting out this content for free
Welcome to my crew, MD, and thank you for the kind words ❤️
Why is there dislikes on this video? This is probably the best thing ever
I like the idea of the future request. It almost doesnt even give the person next you time to react and get defensive because youre already focused on solving the issue at hand. It might not be as simple in real life but you understand my point
I grew up in a home where that was my parents. Both very different personalities, but toxic traits the same. Mom way worse though. It is a debate every time, it is a waiting game to tell me how I am wrong. This brought out some angry feelings in me but not in a bad way. It’s confirmed trying to have dialogue with my parents might not ever be anything but a debate. I want to break the cycle. Thank you for this.
I LOVE YOU, Terri! You are SO good at explaining the hard to explain shenanigans of our inner landscape!
Thank you, Ruth ❤️❤️
It is really hard to be "soft", when the other person's actions and/or words evoke very very strong emotions - can be triggered emotions. Delaying the conversation is not always appropriate or possible. Being from a dysfunctional family with a narcissistic father, where a lot of unconstructive hurtful toxic unhelpful (destructive) criticism was given out (critisicm from a stance of perfectionism and superiority), I understand, why people (including me) might deny reality and be defensive. I have found that it really is necessary to first try to discern, whether the criticism is constructive or destructive. Also, I have found it is helpful to discern, whether the criticizor is a toxic/narcissistic person or a good enough person. From what I have noticed - the worst type of defensiveness is actually agressive retaliation - person B says something that person A doesnt like (facts, opinion about politician, personal preferance for vacation, constructive criticism, etc) , so person A verbally attacks person B (sarcasm, yelling, destructive critisicm, passive-agressively, etc.)....
Thank you for sharing! Excellent insight, and I appreciate you being here. ❤️
I've been trying to be less defensive, I just got into an ugly fight with my husband over a loose pot handle (because I handle them to roughly) and I got very defensive. Thank you for this video.
I'm witnessing you with compassion. It's ok to be human and have a reaction. As we get more awareness we can start to choose different reactions. Thank you for being here and for investing in yourself!
I used to have an answer and an opinion or comment on everything before the other person was finished taking. I’ve learned to stop that in my 50’s and become more interested in asking many questions. But now I feel very lonely because I’ve noticed people just want to talk and they never ask me anything. It’s been very lonely but I’ve noticed a shift and a balance happening lately. I think it’s also about falling in love with yourself and you will become less reactive because you get more self confidence.
I am witnessing you with compassion ❤️ I have a short video about how to navigate this situation here because it's unfortunately a common occurrence: th-cam.com/video/jPgCS4Dosqk/w-d-xo.html
Thank you so much for taking the time to put this conversation and these tips out there. So incredibly valuable and left me with a lot to think about 🙏🏼
I am so glad to hear they were valuable for you 💕
Well thanks. I'm a man but I cried in the middle of this because I feel knowing listens within my family. It's confirming my thoughts that we shouldn't compete. I felt lost like what's wrong with me. Now I feel sad cuzz my family is so hurt. I will be soooooo much softer with my approach cuzz they are hurting only themselves now
This is so eye opening…I’m always wanting to be right and it causes some friendships and other relationships to end,so I’m grateful for this , hopefully I’m able to work on this to improve my relationships
I'm so glad this resonated for you ❤️
Wonderful episode !!! I am guilty of interrupting a conversation …. LOVE to teach myself to become a much better listener and yes, it is so easy to go into defence mode. Great video. Am excited to learn much more 🙏❤️
So glad you liked it 💕
This was amazing. I have to unlearn my behavior of defensiveness. Thank you
You're so welcome ❤️
Wow! This is the first time Ive come across your page and I am thoroughly enjoying your content! Thank you for sharing the treasure of your experience with us!
I'm so glad you enjoyed this video and thank you for watching! ❤️
My husband and I will watch this together.
Right on!!
Great talk! We forgot how to listen to each other.
Omg .. I applied what u said about the constructive dialog at the end of the video on an argument that happened between me and my husband today, where I did exactly the opposite of your recommendations, and it almost ended up with a fight 😅 I just told him about what I learned from you .. he said: please, keep learning 😁😁😁 thank you for all the great tips, I have writen them all
needed to hear this and acknowledge that my actions led to the loss of my relationship. embracing change and forgiving myself for not knowing better.
I am witnessing you with compassion ❤️
I liked this video on the strength of the title alone. 😌
Thank you, I realize I am going to need to work on this.
You're so welcome!
Literally hear to save my relationship I want to prove that I can learn and love him and listen ♥️ I hope these changes can be noticed :)
I'm cheering you on along the way, Emily ❤️
Hi Terri, This is your first video I watched today and I simply loved the way you have explained the topic. Being defensive is such a deep rooted thing and you touched this topic in such an effective way that it really made me aware of the reason why I was struggling in my relationships. Thank you so so much Terri. 🙏
I am so glad it resonated with you ❤️❤️
Thank you I messed up potential relationship because I became defensive when he kept talking about other women on our first date when I could have just communicated he was crossing my boundary
Thank you for sharing that with us ❤️
Yes 3 years later from when you posted this video but you definitely opened my eyes even more! been trying to be a better listener/partner for my relationship cause I’ve definitely been defensive alot more lately than usual! Just want everything perfect but I have to realize/remember I’m a homo sapient, in due time with work this consciousness’s ego will evolve to greater lengths ! Thanks !! 🖤
You're so welcome 💕
Thank you for the way you gently delivered this message!
❤️❤️
Thank you for this I feel like my relationship is falling apart because of my defensive actions and my listening skills I interrupt her I don’t listen when she asked me to do basic things most of all I make her feel like she can’t come to me for anything because I will make a fight out of it and I hate that I just wanna be there for her and be better but I feel like I mess up every time never have the right thing to say but I will work on taking my time before I speak to ensure that I don’t upset and make sure I don’t take everything to heart like I’m getting attacked
I think it's okay to be open with her and say something like, "Hey, I am working on being less defensive. When we get into conflict, I worry I will say the right thing and I shut down as a result. To help us have more constructive conflict, I'd like to take more time to thoughtfully respond, this way I don't become as defensive or frozen." This shows you're willing to try your best for the relationship. It also reframes it as you and her against the problem and not you and her against each other. 💕
This was so helpful to me. I have ruined my relationship with the best person on the planet because of my defensiveness & inability to communicate effectively. Thank you
I am witnessing you with compassion and holding space for you.
Changing my life all the time, thank you so much for the functional relating skills!!
Glad to hear it!!!
Thank you Terri, I’m going to use these tips❤ I’m really struggling with being defensive.
Wow…I just had a light bulb go on after watching this! I realize I’m a large part of why my relationship is in the discord that it is. I just hope it’s not too late to change things around!
Brilliant! I am learning so much from you! My husband and I are BOTH defensive…a lot of love, but tough communication. Now I am aware of dialogue vs debate. Thank you so much for this…I am so looking forward to more videos on this topic…❤️
You're so welcome, Linda! I have another vid coming out tomorrow on effective communication during conflict ❤
What about helping overly defensive people who would seek to defend themselves and hurt your feelings deeply every time you try to communicate with them? They turn every conversation into a debate, even though your intent was about communication. I once told them that I was deeply hurt by their defensiveness and their inability to listen. That person asked me to admit that they have hurt them (which is what they intend to do) and they simply brushed me off by laughing loudly at my vulnerability in my face. It has happened many times, repeatedly for many years. She would even take out her anger and frustration at me (especially after work) Out of self-love and self-respect, I have decided to move on and remove her from my life trusting that there are people out there capable of healthy communication and reliable relationships. I would say, you cannot change someone unless they are willing to change themselves.
I have this same situation with my husband. I have issues also, but I do try to work on it. I just feel like we can never move forward.
You're not alone. I had to remove myself from family members. I still see them, but I don't engage with them. I just maintain a very diplomatic relationship with them. As soon as I see that it can get problematic, I take my distance. There's no other way. People like that, not always chage.
It can be hard to recognize when someone is misunderstanding on purpose. Narcissists and toxic people do that kind of thing a lot, and it can shade your perception on other interactions.
Outstanding presentation thank you. I need this.
Thank you, this has truly affected me most of my life until and still struggling at times. My willingness to see how relationships thrive or dissolve has always been intriguing. Yet, putting into practice with others, I believe the other counterpart often stokes the embers .. like when e Eckhart speaks on the “ pain body “ unraveling takes practice. I’m an introvert so my subjects are few and far between.
Mindfulness helps, with breathing, pausing and yes. Really listening.
Thank you. No desire to win.
Thanks for sharing and watching ❤️
@@terri_cole thank you for your incredible work.
Terri ....you are an absolute BOSS ...💪🏼 at what you do and your detail description of not being defensive.... You were made to help people. Thank You so much ..🙏.. I will definitely share with others these words of wisdom ....
So glad to hear that it resonated for you. Thank you for being here!
I realize now how defensive I am, and it is so not healthy for my relationship right now, I want to change for her and this video really opens my eyes on things, thank you so much for this video
I am cheering you on 💕
@@terri_cole Was not expecting a response! I was wondering if I could message you for relationship advice somewhere? get some outside perspective on what I am going through?
Unfortunately, I no longer offer 1:1 coaching or therapy, but if you message my team, they can pass along a name of a therapist I recommend. (You can email support @ terricole.com without the spaces.) 💕
this was incredibly helpful. thank you so much.
You are so welcome!
absolutely amazing video. thank you for sharing.
Glad it was helpful! 💕
Thanks so much for this…so incredibly helpful. I am typically very defensive and want to move towards being an expert at moving towards dialogue!
I’m with a narcissist partner, but I have gotten very defensive with him to the point of interrupting him. We are broken up right now and my defensiveness is one of the reasons. My heart is hurting badly but I know I have to work on it. Thank you so much for this great video! I’m doing so much better already. Sad that I’m 55 and just perfecting this. I’m sad. I might lose this relationship but I’m thankful that I found out many things I need to work on. I’m hurting but very thankful. Please pray for me. Thank you! Hugs!
I am witnessing you with compassion and sending love ❤️
Thank you so much!
This really is right on. Really impacted me. Thank you for sharing.
Would also really like to understand how defensiveness/ having authoritarian parents makes you co dependent
@@shauntck yes I have lots of material about communication on my channel in older videos!
I have grown so much in the past 7 years, and the only time I have found myself getting really defensive is when I have entered into a relationship with someone who has not yet realised & grown from being so defensive.
I express I am not happy about something they get defensive, then I get defensive and we end up in a dedate like you mentioned, as time goes on because we both hurting the debates become more & more intense both feeling like the other one does not care until one of us walks away..
Even know I already had some knowledge I have learnt that I can still make improvements with how I approach a situation.
Thank you for sharing I am always looking to improve and find solutions & you explain things so well in this video
So glad you found it helpful ❤️
Being married to someone who starts every exchange with a rationalizing explanation is exhausting... particularly after thirty years together - how do i gently help her get and stick to a point?
great channel, blessings
I have struggled with that in my marriage of 32 years. Listening to her first and allowing her to feel understood first is what I have to do with my wife. Sometimes that’s a struggle for me and I have to write my point down so I don’t get distracted and led down a bunny trail away from the topic I was seeking discuss. I ask a few questions to understand her perspective better. When she feels understood she softens a little. I can then emphasize the future solution to my issue. That really seems to be the key for us. When my wife sees that I am looking to make my relationship better in the future she softens even more and she drops the defense to be part of the solution and we move forward. Oh yes, and PRAY!!!
@@ktmkenny25 wow, I love you man!
Shuu firstly thank you for such a informative video.
There are so many times that my husband has said I’m such a defensive person and I refused to believe that. To me I was simply interjecting so that I can clarify statements that I feel are wrong.
I don’t know how many times he has said “You cannot communicate in a healthy manner”. Instead with whatever he would raise, I already had a counter argument.
The truth is, I have noticed this about myself long before I got married. However it was always my partner who was wrong.
But I do remember growing up, witnessing how my mother would speak to my step-dad. And I would be like, I never want to be like that in my marriage. I remember how strict my mom was. I remember how I would desperately want to communicate how I felt when she did something I didn’t like, that she would instead shout at me.
I was never heard.
And I kept saying “I’ll never be that person”.
Little did I know, I turned out exactly that way. The only difference I made was , I didn’t shout. Cause my mom shouts. But in whatever tone I had, there was always an element of being defensive. I could and still can justify what I actually meant, without hearing the other person out.
So for the first time, I looked for videos on what defensiveness looks like. Because I was convinced I wasn’t.
Finding this video, yes I have a problem. It’s deeply engraved in me. I didn’t know how it looks like, it was just second nature to me.
So I appreciate the video. I need the help so that I save my marriage and mostly become a better version of my self.
Not be a victim of my upbringing.
Way to go, Wandile! Thank you for sharing your insight ❤️
Thank You Terri. Thank you so much. I just got the answer to my questions
Awesome video. I’ve finally embodied the non-defensive behaviors and have begun to be more of an active listener with my partner. I did get defensive in my words the other night though, but while being completely calm. She had to point out to me that the calm defensiveness felt unsafe. I don’t fully understand why explaining/clarifying myself is harmful, but I imagine I probably hadn’t validated her experience enough first. This video reminded me that I probably wasn’t listening as well as I should have. Those subtle defenses are much trickier than the obvious ones!
Thank you for sharing!
This information is so golden!! I'm working on myself and understanding my actions and the underlying issues.... I look forward to learning more from your channel!!
I'm so glad you're here!
At school I was picked on, left out and laughed at. Home life I had my mum and her boyfriend picking on me, calling me ugly and putting me down. Also anything I said was wrong, and I was suddenly too “TALL” for cuddles. I haven’t hugged my mum for years because she doesn’t like hugging me. It’s come out with authority figures and when people try to tell me what to do. As you grow up, you realise you can defend yourself but it becomes a problem where you do it ALL the time
I'm holding space for you with SO much compassion, Chloe ❤️
@@terri_cole I was quiet all my life and
Never spoke up and now I'm little hypersensitive