Don't ARGUE Or FIGHT With A Narcissist… DO THIS INSTEAD | Dr Ramani
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.
Biggest mistake I ever made was thinking I could call them out, forgive them, show them kindness and then they would change and become a better person. It only escalated the abuse
Amen what a nightmare
My experience says the same.
Yes they are full bullshit and can come up with all kinds of lies just to please their egos they will say anything to demean you and it happened to me do I didn’t even argue with them! She’s right be careful because around them when saying something because they just use your words to use against you!
I think blocking them was good but then I unblock them because I just feel so disgusted by them
Keep in mind that they are not well, I understand how their provoking language and attitude provokes you, but deep down it’s self hatred 😔
1. Ignore their antics 2. Show them that you don't need them by actions 3. Ignore 4. Let others witness 5. They will pay with their own actions and karma 6. Sit back and laugh and watch 7. Don't save them 8. Keep laughing
Love this ❤
😂
Thanks for this! ❤
7 is so important and a tough lesson to learn
So true. 😂
Narcississt is an angel of light in the outside and an angel of darkness in the home .
@toyabdool5127 That's a very fake way of creating their facade if they act all good in false pretense, then become demons outside of the public eye.
absolutely
Yes❤
So true
So true
I once got a fortune cookie that said "he loves you as much as he can. He just can't love you very much" Prophetic.
Wow that place gives awesome fortunes. The place by me are hardly ever worth reading.
Exactly
That sounds like a satire fortune cookie, sometimes you get those- they throw them into circulation for fun. Most fortune cookie companies do it.. there’s really only one big company and they provide 99% of the worlds fortune cookies.
And truth is we Love everyone as much as we can.
That's a sign for sure
*Never* tell a narcissist your vulnerabilities.
If you do.. You'll find yourself in a rage
They will emotionally rape you😢
If you do, they will use them against you
So true.
I recently did this with my mom, and she used it ALL against me. Devastating effects, but we have to let it go. They’re dealing with mental illness and want to impose the same feelings into others
It is so frustrating when the Narc don’t take accountability and will never apologize for what they’ve done.
That's the first step :) once you know you won't get that apology, forgive them and move on. Forgiveness is for you, not because they deserve it.
It's more important than you think because holding on to bitterness is essentially giving them permission to hurt you every day of your life. Forgiving them means letting go of all that.
@@drfill9210 love what you said. So wise. Such a valuable advice.
@@juanwang457 thank you. Good advice is always bought at a dear price. I share what little wisdom I have in the hope that others need not suffer 😇
Accountability? In my experience, they can’t even validate your hurt feelings as a result of their actions.
I hear this all the time, " forgive them." As we know, narcissists will NEVER be accountable and forgiveness comes with accountability and change. For me, I don't forgive them. I forgive myself for whatever it may be, being in a relationship with them or thinking they will change or whatever it may be. Like someone said the forgiveness is for us NOT the narcissist. So I find the statement "forgive them" may sound nice bit doesn't seem realistic. For me I forgive myself I wish them well or at least no harm and I move on with my life.
A narc is never wrong. It's always you. and they love to keep the argument alive.
Psychedelics are just an exceptional mental health breakthrough. It's quite fascinating how effective they are against depression and anxiety. Saved my life.
Can you help with the reliable source I would really appreciate it. Many people talk about mushrooms and psychedelics but nobody talks about where to get them. Very hard to get a reliable source here in Australia. Really need!
Yes, dr.andrew_james. I have the same experience with anxiety, depression, PTSD and addiction and Mushrooms definitely made a huge huge difference to why am clean today.
I wish they were readily available in my place.
Microdosing was my next plan of care for my husband. He is 59 & has so many mental health issues plus probable CTE & a TBI that left him in a coma 8 days. It's too late now I had to get a TPO as he's 6'6 300+ pound homicidal maniac.
He's constantly talking about killing someone.
He's violent. Anyone reading this Familiar w/ BPD know if it is common for an obsession with violence.
Is he on instagram?
Yes he is. dr.andrew_james
The Best way to deal with a Narcissist is to not deal with them at all! Remove them from your life and be on your way!
If you can afford financially to get out absolutely but unfortunately for a small few that's not possible and please unless you know the exact circumstances you don't know . And they can't get out. Unless they win the lottery it's impossible.
AMEN!
I did it even with my own son. It is hard but necessary
@@MMP9 I´m doing it with my son, my only child, right now!
Thank you so true
I used to think I knew what a narcissist was until I met one. It's like they create a pocket reality and suck people into it. One of the worst experiences of my life.
You're quite right! A narcissist learned very young that there was only one way to get love from their parent, and they lock themselves in that one way from then on in life. They can't handle anything outside that tiny world.
I find I rage more than they do cuz I let it all build up as I learn more and more. I give easily it helps me see all the tricks quick. Then one day I switch suddenly and show my martial arts back ground just so they think they will attack me like these other people they've attacked. At that point they talk to me they know I communicate well and I can also lock down easy (child abuse survivor)
SPOT ON
Well said
ditto
I went no contact with my mother and its been 4 months and I already see I am healing and able to find my purpose in life. Best decision ever.
I’m 23 years from letting my mother go and no contact. It’s still the best decision I ever made. If you can find a healthier mother figure in time, it will help with the void that emerges. Someone without her own daughter, that you nurture too. Who will in turn offer you her sage wisdom.
Wow, I need this encouragement to have a no contact
I really wish you the best, I hope you heal quickly and completely. ❤
im also in the same situation. Hopefully in two weeks I´ll already be gone. Im leaving my house when she´s not here and I believe I´ll go no contact as well. I´m afraid for my life for the next couple of days. Any suggestions and good wishes will be well received
@put0.666 Please be careful. Your emotional and physical safety are top notch priority. I am mentally sending you a huge congratulatory hug for saving yourself so that later you can be the very best version of who you really are. 😊 Best wishes for a very happy and positive future!
It is absolutely devastating to realise that your in a narcissistic relationship.
It's like a slow dawning and realisation that things are not quite adding up as they should.
Bit by bit, piece by piece and as you gain more knowledge about the subject the haze starts to clear and you see that the person really is.
Thank you Dr Ramani for enlightening our lives.
Your a absolute treasure!
Agree. It's been 2 years since I first discovered narcissism videos. At first, I thought it was me. As I listened to her and Dr Les Carter, it slowly dawned on me that my husband was gaslighting me. When he'd do it, I'd look at him with bewilderment, actually say, you're nuts. That's not what happened. He couldn't convince me that I was crazy, but he sure tried. I've left him, which shocked him, perhaps because he saw me as helpless - and he was my master.
I've been in an anxiety attack since I recognized it
Worse when you realize that is the Father of your kids and the justice gives him all the power so he can continue abusing you and the children even after divorce. It is hard to keep thinking straight...all I can do is to pray.
@amymorgan1150 my faith and therapy are keeping me sane
You explain the procedure step by step so realistically!! 👌🏾🔥🔥🔥🫱🏻🫲🏿
I have suffered for 10 years with my father. I am leaving this week for the first time, in search for recovery. I wish everyone here the best. :)
Best of luck to you! Your life is about to improve as you shed that abusive dead weight. Be safe and be blessed.✊🏾
I’m reading your comment 6 days after you posted it. How are you doing?
I’m thinking of you and hope you’re feeling great…and free😊
@collywogs2258 the decision to leave was the hardest, but now that I'm out, I feel more mentally and spiritually healthy :)
Good luck , and trust in you , what the parents not give , is given in another way . Son of 2 narcissists , i am a super empath…
@@andykim4065 god has a plan for you 🙏🏽♥️
My sister is a fierce narcissist. I avoid her as much as I can. I could never imagine being married to a narcissist. I send so much love to everyone living with a narcissist.
Thank you for sending love. My heart breaks for my 11 year old grandchild who suffers daily abuse of put downs and shaming made to feel he's a bad person because he's so frustrated and hurt he lashes out which only leads to more demeaning of his soul. He's so sad convinced that his mother hates him.and he's not worthy of love. I do my best to let him know how much I love him and what a wonderful caring person he is. The problem is we live a world apart. He's in the UK and I'm in Canada. There is no help for a child under the control of a parent.
Things have calmed down since my malignant narcissist father has been in and out of the hospital. He never speaks anymore willingly on his own. He’s now extremely peaceful. It is very very odd. But he’s suffering from dementia and delirium is what my narcissistic older brother told me. I do not talk to him at all. He makes excuses for why he won’t talk to me on his own. He’s been treating me invisible on purpose to make me submissive and feel inferior and unimportant.
They will all crumble around me
My sister too I had to mourn my relationship with her 2 years ago 😢 I always use to look up to her 😕
It’s difficult to manage this. Because they will always be part of your family. You know, for marriage there is a divorce, but in this case…I have a sister narcissist as well. Keep strong!
Me too me three me four. You're not alone. I'm glad I'm not alone. I used to think I was crazy or mean. My God, how good it feels to know we are NOT the problem. The trick is that she's blood related and we cannot completely avoid her. I also have to control myself to cool down when facing her for my Mom. Dad just passed away and I don't want to cause more grief to my Mom.
Healthy relationships are about balance, respect, compassion, and mutual regard.
all the traits a narc doesnt have!
👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾🔥🔥❤️🤝🏾
So true
My Mom died in February of this year. She was married to my Father for almost 69 years. She attempted to leave him for YEARS, since we were kids, but always believed the love bombing and empty promises he'd make and he'd soon discard those promises upon her return. Years of narcissistic abuse caused STRESS daily. I believe it absolutely played a huge role in shortening her life. She had stomach issues. I'd say Mom needs to see a gastroenterologist. Why? He'd ask, "She's had stomach problems all our marriage.". Yeah....she died suddenly from ischemic bowels which led to sepsis, adrenal dysfunction, heart attack and death. I miss her. But she's FREE at last.
She used to watch your videos. They helped her. Now I am watching them, gaining more insight on not to allow my Father to use me as his next supply.
However, it is inevitable really. Due to the fact that narcissistic people push you to your limit, you always end up arguing with them. They have close minds and you'll end exhausted with just even a little talk with them. They'll always find fault in you. Respect yourself and just DONT ENGAGE.
I don't engage with them because I know what it will lead to
@@dontbelongherefromanotherp9807 Truly exhausting, right? I experienced arguing with a narc at first, then I learned to not engage. You know what, they'll do everything to provoke you and eventually you'll engage. Never ending toxicity coming from them!
@@lezeldeguzman true, some narcs want attention and will do anything to provoke their target if they are ignored by them. It happened to me with my narc neighbor, and it got to the point that I called the police. However, after that, the narc neighbor started engaging in covert tactics to get my attention, like moving things to the side of my property, and going in my mailbox. Mind you, I didn't have proof of him doing these things, but I had no problems with anyone else in my community. With that said, they were ruled out as suspects, and the narc neighbor was the only one with a motive. The only thing I could do was document the incidents and report them to the landlord, that's it. Thanks for your response
I agree with you. They insert their will on you to the point that it can be detrimental to your well being. I don’t have this problem in my personal life because I do not keep them in my life, but at work they will always try to double your workload to lessen theirs or blame you for their screw up. You have to protect yourself from this. I think gray rocking is the best way to handle these types.
@@dontbelongherefromanotherp9807 Wow! That happened to me too, new neighbor moved in a bout 2 mos ago!
Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.
~ Proverbs 4:23
Thank you!
Thank u for that ♥️
What about Bob is an old movie too with Richard Dreyfuss. Quite hilarious actually but u probably knew that?
@@maggievada4797 yes. 😁👍🏻
i will remember this. thank you.
We are already smarter than they are. The key is to not allow what makes us more evolved, our emotional maturity, cause for us to have so much empathy for them that we allow for them to abuse us. Most times, it is this empathy that gets us in trouble. We don’t respond the way we should at the first sign of misconduct because we assume that we are incorrect in our judgment. We are smart enough to know that if someone is damaged they are going to act out and mistreat others. So, we are more patient with them. This is where the problem comes in. Our caring and ability to identify with a person’s pain causes for us to fall victim to their callous behavior. We move the boundary for them because we believe if we do, we can help them. We believe that all they need is love. The problem is, they don’t really want it. They just wanted us to move the boundary. They literally want to see if they can continue to make us do things we not wish to do. They want to see if they can cause a reaction that is out of character. They want to watch us unravel. It makes them feel powerful. Moreover, if you feel sure that your husband might never cheat on you, you might have to rethink. Most wives in marriages are shocked when they find out their husband cheating, and it happens more with people who never thought they would cheat. This is why you have to take the tiniest suspicion carefully. If your husband is cheating on you, the best and probably the only guaranteed way to catch him is to spy on their phones. However, spying on a phone is not something you can do without any external help unless you have the James bond level of spy skills. In such case you will need an expert phone spyier Metaspyhub@gmail. com for the purpose,,,
I don't think u should be spying on them, u don't want to be that person. If u believe ur being cheated on LEAVE. If after u have left u find out they weren't cheating it means ur too insurcure about urself stay single and work on urself. Said with love and compassion
You do not win with a narc. Do not engage! Ignore them and move on.
I'm the husband of a women who has a narcissistic family that has used her as a punching bag for years. When I came along, they hated me because I spoke plainly and called them out for their abuse. I took my wife away from them and they lost their shit.
We rekindled a relationship with them after they apologized and it took years to build trust again.
They shattered it by attempting to take control of her again. I have made it clear I'm fully willing to be their punching bag if it means protecting my wife from their narcissist, evil, manipulative behavior. I'm ready for war.
just have to have no contact, brother. no changing them. hopefully your wife is not a covert narc also as it seems often children of narcs also become narcs.
@TheWorldisaLIE2 yeah I have thought about that as well, she's a genuinely kind person and I have more narcissistic Tendencies than her. In my teens and my early twenties I may have even been a certified, narcissist I had a lot of the same behaviors that I'm seeing in her family. I'm still working through that was a well. It's how I saw through their lies from the start, because I used the same tactics. I've come along way but still feel great shame from it.
@@BGDSP1121 good to hear brother, life is a journey meant for self realization and change, most never achieve it and remain stagnant in their same thoughts/views. You and i sound similar as i believe both of my parents are covert narcs and i myself have had some of those tendencies that i try to work on. and my ex wife is also likely one and her father and grandmother definitely are, not just my opinion. her own mother that has worked in the counseling field has even said it. life goes on. I wish you the best. All things are achievable through our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Peace be with you brother.
@@BGDSP1121God bless you, nobody is perfect, everyone has a past of some kind and you're growing, that's what counts.
What a blessing you are to and for your wife! God Bless you! ❤️
When my daughter was 10 she dealt with my narc mom better than I can even now. My daughter had been down for the weekend (at my moms insistence and my daughter’s resistance - something I stopped after that), and my mom had been on her about her hair ALL WEEKEND. Wanting her to let her cut it. Backstory: my mom had been cutting my daughters hair against my wishes since birth, basically. She even took the first (and in fact ALL) haircut. And my mom would usually cut it herself, and it would be BAD. Sometimes I thought intentionally bad.
But my daughter wanted to grow it out.
When my sister and daughter and mom were on their way to meet me to drop her back off, I guess my mom started to get desperate, so when they had stopped to eat, my mom started on it again, and this time it escalated to the point that my mom stood up aggressively in a way that suggested she was going to physically assault my daughter. My daughter grabbed my sister (her aunt) for protection, and my sister sharply told my mom stop. Then, my daughter, cool as a cucumber, told my mom, ‘Since my hair upsets you so much, I just won’t come around you.’ Shut my mom up, and she didn’t see her for years after! I’ve never been prouder.
Omg your daughter just straight cracked the code!! 😱 *SO BASED*
Your daughter is smart! I wish I was like her when I was young.
Wow. Your 10 year old daughter beats my 20 year old one, and I guess they both beat us.
As I'm in a similar situation - I was raised by a narc mother and I understood fully like 2 yrs ago, in my 40's. A year ago, my daughter resisted to my mum while she was constantly pushing her to sign some antivax petition, and my girl simply told her she's not going to sign it at any cost because she's different opinion. She also suggested to avoid this topic coz there's no point etc. My mum reacted with a typical N rage and told my daughter she hurts her by saying this so she's not going to talk to her at all. My daughter told her that's sad but that she respects her choice. And that's it. Now they're not in contact at all.. I read all the conversation and I must say I'm proud of her because her reaction was very mature, yet adamant. She was able to set her boundaries in her young age better than I was until my 45. And for both our daughters I believe it's a sign that despite what we grew in we were able to raise our kids well and hopefully broke the spell.
@@katkas.4688 I so totally agree with you
Well done to those two daughters
I reared my own children by doing the total opposite of way's that I grew up
Teaching them all how to be assertive lots of activities
Wings to fly & roots to come home too
There is great solace to be had that despite all the odds, our adult children have successfully managed to not live out the legacy of Narcissim
Thank you Dr.Ramini
@@maevebutler4641 wings to fly and roots to come home, yes that's what I always followed and you named it well 😊
He was diminishing me, gaslighting me, minimizing my feelings, and hating me when I was physically unwell with severe allergies and menstrual monthly pain and nausea. When I was diagnosed with Sensory processing disorder and hyperacusis, which made it difficult to find a regular job, he was still saying that I was exaggerating and pretending. No matter what did, I never was good enough. He destroyed my persona and my self-esteem by constantly belittling and attacking who I was. The biggest shock was when he started to blame me for his own insecurities. This is where I realized he would not stop until he destroyed me completely. You know when I had enough? I realized that he made me feel bad about myself and said to him, end of the story for me, we are getting a divorce. Since that day he has been maliciously mean to me (we lived together for a few months) because I was the one who petitioned, he tried to punish me. It's a nightmare not only to be with a narc., but also to leave a highly unhealthy relationship like that.
I’m happy I divorced from the narcissist ! ! !
Let me guess… He downplayed, diminished, or even discounted your claims of physical illness until you had proof that was a refutable and he could no longer do that so then he just resented you for it? It's evil
Great video! This quote came to me after many years of dealing with a narc sibling-“You can never win with a narcissist. But you can’t lose if you don’t play the game”. Appealing to their sense of fairness,humanity,compassion? Forget it. They live on their own planet. They simply don’t care.
Not my monkeys, not my circus is a term that has stuck with me and helped me.
Brilliant statement. Thanks for that enlightening quote
Just agree with them. Let them think what they want to think. They’re delusional and that’s something we have to accept. But it doesn’t mean you have to tolerate, you can walk away.
Just walking away is easy in theory
Narc Survivor yep 👍 💯
I’ve tried that. I’ve disagreed, agreed, stayed silent….everything is wrong and I still get in trouble. So the solution is no contact. They are delusional.
SO DELUSIONAL
Yeah cater to the bad people. That sounds like a great idea 🙄
This hit me - “if you have a traumatised past and u keep calling the narcicist out, your health may be ruined”. This is what happened to me.
It happened to me too. I called him out because I was enraged by his behaviour towards me and other members of the family. I wouldn't tolerate it anymore. But it didn't change anything and even worse he got the attention he wanted. I broke down, lost myself, struggled to pull myself together (still am) and started ignoring him completely. Like he didn't exist. I put a boundery around me. He couldn't get to me anymore. Others did the same. So it was like his oxygen was cut off. He finally left the house and we have found peace.
This is what happened to me too
Do not smear yourself with honey and go into the jungle and lay down for a day. If you do you will get what reality is and blame yourself I hope and not the insects.
@@Slothgoo Ohhhh, I know this one. The most recent narcissist in my life is the Drama Queen type. What I've recently noticed is that her tearful breakdowns about how sad her life is ALWAYS come shortly after she's been caught in one of her frequent lies! Diversion.
yes i got asthama
I can't wait until I am strong enough and financially stable enough to leave this relationship - it is so toxic and it's literally draining me
I had that mentality for way too many years. Don't wait, get out right now. You won't regret it.
Don’t wait, you will only slide deeper! Leave and pray, doors will open. Leave now!!!
Biggest mistake of my life was not falling for a narcissistic abusive person,but,coming back to him.
They are more dangerous than any terrorist I feel.
Yeah, I realized this toooooo late, but videos and content like Dr. Ramani's helped me much in understading the issue (retrospectively). I now keep the safest distance, in waiting for a final exit 😄
When I went gray rock on a former friend after figuring out what a narcissist she was, and as she escalated her attempts to get at me only to find she couldn't, you could see the puzzlement on her face as her usual game failed. She told me over and over, "you've changed." I neither agreed nor disagreed with her. Didn't ask what she meant, didn't argue, just looked at her. It was awesome.
You "rock!" LOL! Seriously, you are awesome!
Wow, what you described it is exactly what I went through with whom I considered best friend! I put up so much with her behavior, for years.. until I realize her narcissism became dangerous as she turn to straight lying…. right after my wedding. She voted herself my maid of honor, I agreed because I loved her.
Yes, mine was my best friend for over 20 years. Then I found she was lying to my face, and stealing from me too. Glad we both got free of them!
Thank you for this. It is such a great explanation of what "grey rock" really is...
That’s exactly what the narcissists I know say to me. They say “ you’ve changed “
Yes, I won’t waste my energy on them and their abuse anymore.
1. Don’t call them out. Understand the pattern for informed decision making
2. Grey rocking - disengagement, do not take bait, do not go deep. Do not share achievements or pain
3. Fire walling - do not let important or sensitive information in out
4. Have sounding boards and support
5. Radical acceptance of the limits of this relationship (incl. not calling them out)
6. Distraction
thanks ive scrolled down to see if someone listed it
Thanks for the summary!
Thank you very much for this info!
Thanks for the summary! Turns out that I have been doing pretty much all of these instinctively with my husband for the past one year!
I screenshot this so I DO NOT DO THESE
I also find that when you try to have a conversation with a narcissist, they avert their eyes from you because what you have to say isn't really important and they even ignore what you have to say. They don't listen to what isn't important to them, because it doesn't revolve around them.
Yes, yet they complain to you when people don't listen to them.
Dr. Ramani, you've let me in on the biggest secret of my life. I have been a narcissist this whole time, and I've been blaming my parents for everything they've done, while ignoring my own actions. Don't get me wrong, they're definitely narcissists, but I think I might be one as well. I was so mad at you when I first realized what you said applied to me, but now I see how helpful you were to me in opening my eyes and allowing room for personal growth.
There's a saying, "lie down with dogs and you'll get up with fleas." Basically saying when you spend all your time with narcissists, you adopt their behavior. I think that being able to see these traits in yourself means you're not narc to your core. Narcs never think they are wrong.
But can narcissist change? I've been with one for twenty years and I'm leaving. Over due. No change
If you have the level of self-awareness and are able to be introspective enough to recognize those traits within yourself, let alone admit them or publicly, then you're not a narcissist. Everybody has narcissistic traits sometimes and the fact that you could recognize similarities between your parents and yourself on your own and work on them, basically prove that you're not a narcissist and I commend you for that
It's been my experience that narcissist will never change they see nothing wrong with themselves or come up with a lame excuse to justify their horrible actions
You're not a narc. You possess and act upon your self-awareness.
God…. Deliver us from evil and every oppressive spirit.🙏🏻😇
Amen & AMEN!
Father, St Joseph and Jesus destroy this evil spirit in Narrist in my x. Amen
I’m always delivering 😮evil through prayer 🙏🏼 😂🎉it works! …in Jesus name AMEN 🙏🏼 ❤
Amen! Forgive them for they don’t know what they do , the cross is not excuse to be selfish! It’s a sign to say don’t beat your self up for mistakes, just try to be loving selfishly as humanly possible! Love thy enemy and torture your self to end narcissism to show that love for one another is worth loving yourself!
God bless you:)
21 years married to a narcissist. Toward the last year, I pretty much ignored him and refused to argue with him even when he got up in my face. I showed no emotion and just stopped caring. Once divorced, it was the most liberating feeling. He still tries to call on occasion but I have blocked his number and it goes to Spam. I don't know why I didn't take my children and get out of there sooner.
Agree! Plus when Dr. Here decided to talk about "can't" do certain things ... Hmm NOOOO mandates are NOT LAWS and fighting for freedom doesn't mean conforming. She, also, loves allowing people to say " I feel/I think" is completely wrong, too. She is a gaslighter herself.
How did you know when to leave? My H has stopped raging in my face for prob more than a year now. He’s gotten so much better with the kids when he saw the damage he did to our now adult daughters although he still says he doesn’t understand why they don’t respect him even though I’ve explained several times. When I told him I went into deep depression last year twice because of his rages - he stopped. But now it’s more quiet subtle but not subtle to me, manipulative jabs, meanness. I’ve learned to intervene with the younger kids to calm him down and then talk to them later to keep their hearts taken care of as much as I can. That helps a lot. But then I have to go in the bedroom and be the wife. I don’t know how to handle this part. I’ve shut down emotionally with him and he knows it mostly but I play it off that I’m just dealing with stuff because I can’t confront him with the “petty” things he does as he has all of the normal narc replies, diversion, etc. I’m finding myself at the point that I don’t know where to go from here. 25 yrs married, a lot of children to think about. I have somewhere to go so that’s not a problem. He’s a great provider so I’m not worried about him taking care of the kids provisionally if I left. He prides himself in that area. Anyway… if you have any suggestions I would appreciate it. I’m sorry you had to go through what you did. And happy you are free of it now. I just started counseling as well.
The important thing is you got out!
This was the best decision that I made for myself and my daughter. I don’t know if he’s a psychopath or a narcissist but all I do know is, now I am at peace.
Leave him or her is the best option. Zero contact to you. It's like you disappear in the thin air. As I did. Gosh I was relief and living in a harmony life.
"My whole personality has been shaped around navigating my mothers personality" Wow. Exactly this. Very similar experience(s) and im glad im not fighting this battle alone. Good luck to you i hope you find your way out to the peace and happiness you deserve!
This is so true..
Whoa... This is incredible!! A lifetime of healing to overcome the mother wound... She was there as well as not there..
My lesson with my mother was "She can't hurt me anymore". I'm heyoka (super emphatic person) and this relationship was damaging me for almost 40 years. Peace and Love 🙏
😭
Its been almost 62 years for me. I've finally had enough.I suspect this is the best, most self caring decision I'll ever make....
@@Cjackson-dt2gdproud of you.
I have a son like that , super thoughtful caring and sensitive , hard working dedicated dad , but I am watching him diminish, under the power of a very narc,wife. He's fading before my eyes, I think she'll run him into the ground. His soul is being assaulted every day.His children keep him going . I like the idea of soul distancing . ,I hope he learns of this , He's been isolated from any help . God Help him survive this amen . All the best everyone , ❤️
@@angelashort1331you must be so worried , I feel for you , I hope things improve , xx
Most narcissists have a sob story and book of excuses and rationale ready for when people call them out. You aren't their first opponent, you won't be their last, and they're practiced and ready. Calling them out will 99% of the time turn into a situation where YOU become the bad guy, no matter how prepared, knowledgeable and right you think you are. Their counter is simple, and will often even have YOU feeling sorry for them. Do not engage directly
Great comment. Very true.
The sob story rang true for me. I heard it hundreds of times as she regaled anyone who would listen.
So true. Please never engage in therapy with a narcissist. You will leave feeling more gas lit than you ever were.
Yes this narc pattern canbe eruptive disruptive and corruptive......I wd only call them out/draw a line in the sand and say they are coming from their wounded child, if I was guided by God and if I was around people who I knew knew their narc pattern...and the narc was engaged in some sort of spiritual programme !! And I wd hand the outcome to God.......xxx
U made the Perfect reply.....'it's not abandonment you alienate people'....perfect...Ty...not abandonment, just the only boundary option left to people !!!! u nailed it and simply dismantled the innocent ' I'm just a victim' comment....and 'people leave me, leave me out and avoid me for no reason' ...... There is a reason, they have pissed off everyone for years and never owned their stuff !!!TY again... xxxx
Yes, I learned the hard way not to "cast my pearls before the swine." I wish I had had this info and support in my 20s and 30s.
👍👍👍
Never to late ❤
ME TOO!!!!!!!!!
If people create a feeling of sympathy in you, that can create slips, or, I’ve found that to be true at times. We have to keep watching people’s signals as they wash big stories over their small one person shows.
The fact that you quoted part of that scripture from Matthew 7:6 tells me that you did have this info available years ago. Dr. Ramani’s advice so often harmonizes well with what was written in the Bible thousands of years ago. That’s one reason I watch her videos. Practical suggestions from any source are beneficial, but when they share that ring of truth from the Bible, you know you can trust it.
I can’t just leave my husband, but learned how protect myself, with the information I learned .
I do my best to keep myself out of the situation .
Why can't you leave?
U can leave it's no such thing as you can't
Same here. Can’t leave my husband too. It’s awful. I’m also learning how to deal with him. I’m so sad that I just figured it out last year. My husband will not answer any questions. I finally put that crazy question on TH-cam and up came dr. Ramani. I’ve been dealing with this for 34 years. I wished I would have known about this while I was raising our son. There was always fighting. Maybe I could have avoided some of them. I just kept saying he’s crazy.
Best thing to do is leave!! My sister stayed and it killed her!!
please do whatever, WHATEVER you can to leave. i know its so hard, but i believe you can do it. i wish you only the best, stay safe
Thank you doctor. I have an adult stepdaughter who, I assume is a narcissist; she sure acts like it! She's caused problems in the family way before I came and everyone just brushes it under the rug, never calling her out. I hate sitting in he presene without saying anything, thinking it would make me feel better if I DID. I'm glad I watched this. Thanks for the advice of not doing it.
I’ve never been big on telling ppl to walk away from their relationships, but if your dealing with a Narcissist you better WALK THE HELL AWAY! They will make your life a living hell. Literally making you feel like you have no life. I pray deeply for anyone dealing with this and gets the strength the walk away just like I did. 🙏🏽♥️
Can't always walk away from hell. Sometimes you have to go deeper to find your way out. It's like our version of the nine circles of hell.
Thank you 💗
How to walk away if it’s your own daughter?!?
@@MolotvCocktail566 just do it. No Contact. What's your question? What's the issue as you are feeling it? Maybe we can help you get clearer and protect yourself.
i never do this but then say do this. Low IQ comment, complete with "praying" which does nothing. PLeb cringe
The best way is to let them think they are smart and you are not. And calmly walk away. Get further away until you never return. Always remember who you are, your value and don't take their insults personally.
Selah833. Love this advice! Thank you!
th-cam.com/video/rWj7oWlVtag/w-d-xo.html
This is exactly what I did! My parents, even with all my academic achievements, thought I'd never make it on my own in the world. They always thought I was dumb, lazy, inept, and naïve. I let them under-estimate me and waited patiently till they themselves gave me the opportunity to leave, thinking I'm of no use to them. My mother thought I could never do anything without her. They were left totally baffled when I thrived (still am) in another part of the world, far away from them. Never once have I visited them, and I've gone no-contact as well. What freedom! Thank you Universe!
Yep just slowly disengage a step at a time.
This is what I did. Left and filed for divorce. When he turned nasty and dragged the divorce to three years, I used information that he had given me 7 years prior against him and he lost his career over it. Twenty years of living with that narc taught me to have a poker face.
Sexlessness. Sharing a bed with someone who doesn’t acknowledge you are a sexual being hurts so much. I was in a sexless marriage for years. Being a woman with a high libido, I felt inadequate. Worst I feel invisible. The man who was “supposed” to want me, just didn’t. We talked about it many times, more than I can recall now. It was always me. I wanted too much - once a week was too much for him. I didn’t initiate - he was always complaining of headaches, stomaches, always stressed, always tired. I was too sexual - when being subtle doesn’t work, what is next? Explicitly saying I wanted sex. Oh but then it was not appropriate. Conversations would end up with him saying he didn’t feel desired or I made him feel emasculated because he didn’t want sex as much as I did. Yeah, it was always me. I could never win. While we were dating we would have a decent amount of sex, it was good. The first huge red flag was not having sex in our honeymoon - which I ignored. It rapidly decrease to once a week, then every other week. Years gone by it was months in between, by the time we divorced it was over a year with no sex. I cried myself to sleep more times that I can count. I didn’t understand what was wrong with me. Was I that undesirable? Was I repulsive? After those conversations, I just stopped trying, initiating, mentioning sex. We were still loving - holding hands, hugging, kissing - but sex was off the table. He then cheated on me. Swore he had sex only 4 times in a year (or more) long affair. It didn’t matter. For years my self worth was damaged by him, years of low self esteem, years of feeling less of a woman, the marriage that was more than over, waiting in hospice, really ended. Funny how things are, I asked him for a divorce, he manipulated me into staying, next day his infidelity came to light. I was out as soon as I could. Best thing of my life. Additionally, That feeling when your partner cheated and you don't have the courage to leave him / her so you just death with the pain and live everyday asking questions about your worth. This pain is different from the cheating one_living and seeing him everywhere anticipating when he or she do it again. The best thing is to hire a private investigator Digitalinvestigate@gmail. com to help you spy on their cellphone remotely just like he did for me...
You shouldn't take it personally.Narcicissists dont want ANYONE. Some narcissists want too much sex (with too many different people) and other narcissists want no sex with ANYONE.They are sexual teases.
I am so sorry for your struggle. Life is really complicated and oftentimes confusing. All my husband ever wanted was sex, but we lived in a relationship where he was the be all and end all. He had zero compassion or empathy for others. When you feel like you don't matter as a human being it is hard to want sex. For me sex is a part of the total package of real intimacy. For him it was strictly about sex. He honestly made me feel like an object to be acted upon solely to fill his appetite for sex. I wasn't his focus for much of our relationship. He would gaslight me all the time telling me how I was feeling wasn't reality. I desired a real bond and closeness that he couldn't give. Honestly I still love and desire him in many ways. I would love to have an intimate and sexual relationship with him, but I know it won't happen. He was neglectful and emotionally abusive. He didn't just hurt me during our marriage. He neglected, verbally, and emotionally abused our children. I hope you find someone that can be the type of man that desires to truly love you in the way you need to be loved. My advice is to make sure that you both want and desire to be each other's partner in the relationship.
you literally just described my current relationship. you talk to them about how u feel unwanted and they make u the bad guy, they make u feel promiscuous and that all u care about is sex. the crazy thing is, it wasn’t like that in the beginning and it’s scary how they ALWAYS manage to turn it back on you
@@confusedwhynotdon’t even reply they’re fake it’s a scammer and stolen story.
@@nia5928 don’t even reply they’re fake it’s a scammer and stolen story.
You're making my night Dr. Such a great point on 'not sharing your accomplishments because of expected minimization.'
Narcissists are in an endless competition to be better than everyone else. Theirs is an impossibly exhausting life and the only way to survive it is by cutting all ties and learning how to love oneself.
Agree, because narcs never change
Yes Bruce I cut them all off and will never speak to any of them ever again
It helps when you are fatter then them. Then they are satisfied and feel superior. It's awful for my health, but a relieve for my soul.
True. Even while driving on road they are constantly competing with strangers
@@namamadhuram road rage
Rules to live by;
1. Ignore them.
2. Cut every communication with them or with their cohorts.
3. Free yourself from their negativity.
borngreat -4 Life good advice and thank you. Please send a copy to our Head of State who is being rather dim inviting trouble and strife to his Coronation. Charles ignore the Harkles because they are not going to change .
Sometimes you just can't ignore them... For ex my narc is my mom
@@gingerrivas5354 Pretending you can ignore them is a false narrative. Parents, spouses, kids .... My biggest one is my niece. Between her "therapist" allows her to say "I think/I feel" on basics !!!! Nooo validation is freakin' awful to say! On 3 different drugs or excuse me "medication" with a Madrid of "excuses" as to why she is this way (called excuses) no! Stop the BS.
Can't do this at work. Have to learn to sidestep their land mines & and survive in the N jungle.
I have a question, my mother and brother are the same self centered narcissist. You’re advice is to cut all ties?
I love you Dr. Ramani!!! How liberating to be validated!
I have to say - as a woman with a narcissist in my close circle, and as a psychologically trained professional myself, Dr. Ramani is spot on. Love her videos - thank you Dr for making these videos.
Tell your narcissist
“If your phone doesn’t ring, it’s probably me”.
LMFAO!
Worst decision I made was to call them out and tell them what they did was wrong and stuff. They started gas lighting me it escalated into a huge argument. I was crying in tears and of course the narc did not care at all since has no empathy. These videos are so helpful. I am learning a lot about narcissism and how to deal with them. Thanks Dr.Ramani
Been there many times. It's like a character assassination. I just try and shut them down without actually betraying my truth. Things like 'I can see how that would affect you' or 'that must have been terrible for you' work for me. My particular narcissist can't see that I am in fact, just saying it to diffuse them but don't actually believe what I'm saying. It still feels horrible because it looks like you're agreeing and they've won, but like she says, you'll never win! But it stops them.
I used to use my logic.. thinking a logical discussion will make my son meet me half way… wasted years of my life trying to make life easier! No empathy, no respect, and gaslighting made ME go see a psychiatrist!
@@citizenjosie714Are you still in touch with your son? It's well nigh impossible to detach totally ftom your own adult child, especially when they are simultaneously dependent & critical. I feel as if over his 40 years I've been turned inside out, upside down & shaken vigorously. Not much left of me.
@@a.scribe474 I feel the same! Socially it’s difficult to detach 100%..But am making concerted effort to keep my distance, not reacting to his antics, and have learnt to to throw the ball back in his court.. he is now using his son to emotionally blackmail me.. but am staying strong…
It’s worse than that- they actually enjoy seeing their victim cry.
The hardest part is loving yourself more. Is so easy to say it but actually learning how to do that is so hard. Because if you love him more and your kids more and your home you won’t leave!
Unreal!! My therapist that I attained due to being tired of being called a Narcissist and needing to prove to HER I am not a Narcissist, didn’t tell me to avoid telling her that SHE is the Narcissist!! I told her and exactly as explained in this video she DESTROYED ME!!! Impacted me and my children!!! Listen listen listen and DO NOT LET THE NARCISSIST KNOW that YOU KNOW!!!! If you LOVE this Narcissist? Oh lord!!! Will YOU see pain at the very WORST DEGREE!!!! Don’t make this mistake I made!!😭😭😭💔💔
This series is so helpful for me. My Narcissistic father is very combative, raised me to be very outspoken and defensive. I am now unlearning this behavior, understanding that I shouldn't have to be in FIGHT mode all the time.
Has anyone ever put their hands on you for being disrespectful
Same
stay strong! This is a great community! Im so sorry you had to deal with that as a child. Would I be able to message you somewhere to get advice because my son is being forced by court to see his narc father who is violent, threatening and has my sons passport and a house in Guatemala. Also never pays a penny in child support
I totally relate to this as the daughter of a narcissistic father! Sending many good wishes your way as we navigate this journey together!
Hugs bc I grew up with a PTSD parent from war who screamed and a mother who had CPTSD. I grew up in screaming fights and we had a screaming Pastor. A BAPTIST. Fun for kids nerves.
I live with a narcissistic abuser and don't have the resources to leave. One of my coping methods is to vent through letters to the narcissist that I eventually shred. I get it all out without the conflict. I also make rude hand gestures where she can't see. Yes, it's childish, but it makes me feel better. So does watching these videos, so thank you.
I am also stuck living with the narcissist and I also make hand gestures when they turn away. It's so hard to feel like you have no control of your life. I hope you find hope and relief soon, know that you are strong ❤
Same sister ,your not alone I'm living with him n in relationship,it's very hard to cope up ,same what u doing I make hand gestures too ,when he cannot see it makes me feel better,
😂I love your comment. I learned that I am this person to a certain point a narcissist. Listening to her channel helps me to learn and understand so I can stop doing these things.
Are you working on leaving?
Start living a parallel life, create your own life without them, do what you have to do to stabilize them, don’t share, be matter of fact & to the point, take points from these awesome videos and work on your escape.
I "firewalled" narcissist member of my family for over 20 years. Let them go and stay away from people like this. They are not worth it.
My neighbours developed unnecessary hate for me out of jealousy and envy and started to gossip about me in the society and framed a very bad image of me - even after this when I stayed unbothered her behaviour continued to provoke me and see me cry . The best thing is to protect yourself because there’s no use you can make them understand things , they’ve already lost their psychological control of themselves and will try to harm you more .
Same here. Gangstalking, rumors, even vandalism can happen. However, Dr.Ramani's alternatives here, can still be applied in your situation. I would suggest getting a surveillance system, don't tell anyone personal information, and build a strong support system outside of that environment until you can move.
My counselor told me, "When you go visit them, remember you are an adult." My inner adult can go see them, but my inner child must remain protected...
My new motto.
"They aren't going to change" - such a freeing statement. Sometimes we feel like if we adjust our behavior the narc will stop their stuff but no. They are who they are. In a recent video the doc said (paraphrasing) "walking on eggshells means you think something's gonna change. It won't, live your life!" Whew! Thank you doc!
Totally agree
I don’t agree with the eggshell statement. For example, I have to go see my father who has allowed my narc brother to live with him. I have to walk on eggshells to keep the peace. I don’t expect change…just my opinion, my experience…I can see where it applies in SOME situations, but not all. Thanks for sharing💜
I was born on the rednecky side of a redneck town and so I laughed out loud when you said, "...unless you love yourself some conflict and rage, and some of you may enjoy that...." You got that right. And although provoking a bare-knuckle fistfight with a narcissistic turd who deserves an asswhupping might be more emotionally satisfying, I thank you for pointing me down a more productive path, Dr. Ramani.
These videos are so helpful because they give back control to the victims of narcissistic abuse.
If calling them out is wrong and acknowledging them is wrong, the only option you have if you’re dealing with a narcissist is to leave asap. It’s way too hard to just sit back and accept what they have done to you and you can’t not even address it with that individual. Just leave quick before something bad really happens and someone ends up in jail. 😮🙏✊
Some people don't have that option, especially if the narc has controlled the finances.
And when you can’t leave (at least for the moment)?
My son cant ever get away from his ex wife, with 4 kids. After 5years divorced, she is still at it - abusing him, manipulating him, opposing him, tearing him down, implementing rules that apply to him but not to her, it never stops. Now she is using the oldest daughter against him to tear down his authority and she exhibits extreme disrespect and even hatred towards him in front of the kids. It is terrible. He cant get a break from it and has lost his self confidence. I cant stand a person treating another person this way.
@@jeanniewight8471Pray for your son. God will protect him and you. ❤️🙏🇮🇪
Gray rock
Don't call them out - No matter how much you believe they might care about how hurt you feel, they will not understand, no matter what.
Put your energy into understanding the pattern - Understand the pattern to take your own decision and not for winning an argument with them.
Grey rock - Treat them like a customer who is a Karen, you wouldn't want to share anything personal with them nor would you want to engage. Stick to superficial topics.
Have a support system - Find someone who understands narcissism, it could be friends, groups or therapy or journal; find a place you can vent and be understood, safe and validated.
Radical Acceptance - This person will not change and calling them out is pointless, you will only spiral down with every conversation you have with the Narc.
Distract yourself - Change your focus.
I'd love to hear your learning from your Narc Healing and Abuse.
I called my husband a controllong narrassist last night. He went into a rage 😳 He doesn't listen to me. It's always my fault, my problem, I'm a menace to society. He never appreciates what I do for our family, and him. It's so defeating. 😪😑
@@Leo-mr1qz And, it only gets worse as they age. They become more devious, the Betrayals are huge including financial, advertising outside the Country for foreign women to have Affairs with, hiding money, stealing your money, and even physical assault. It is Shocking what these sick narcissists are capable of while justifying all of it. Kindness, Forgiveness only gives them more POWER. Find a Way out of the Hell they create.
Yes 👍 Grey Rock 🪨
@@Leo-mr1qz so sorry you have to go through that. I left 4 years ago, after 18 years, but he turned my daughters against me. I wish I had left sooner.
@@denisedevoto2834 I'm so sorry to hear that. I hope that your daughters come to their senses and realize all the truelove you have for them.
That is my fear that he will do the same to me. So, I endure his mental and emotional abuse to keep my relationship with my 3 daughters. They're still young. I've been trying to "grey rock" him forever, but I'm quite isolated, since I stay home with my kids, and work part-time, so he has a lot of control over me, unfortunately. 😑 I lost it last night and called him out because a human being can take SO much. He works graveyards, so at least I don't see him too much.
I discovered that my mother is a narcissist when I was 40 years old.I always knew that she acted differently, always criticizing me, putting me down, always manipulating me. I always worked and gave her money every month, but it was never enough, she always wanted more money, I did everything in the house, cleaned, cooked and took care of my little brother, I always assumed she was complicated. no one could think otherwise because only she is the right one for everything, and she always says she is right, I spent 14 years far away from her, recently she came to live with me and then my life became hell, because she started doing everything she used to do with me and is starting to do with my son, that's when my sister opened my eyes, she told me everything she suffered at her hands for all these years. Thank God she left my house, but every time she calls me it's incredible it makes me panic to talk to her and it's horrible.
Boy you are good ! And just what I needed today. Now I have enough respect and love for myself and enough wisdom to not expend any energy having that hard conversation with the narcissist " friend", who has low empathy and would def blow off my experience. For the last 3 days I've been so internally upset , after receiving all of your knowledge and experience in understanding what's actually going on with narcissists, and how to let go any kind of empathetic expectations from them, I can say, I do feel very liberated and wise. Thank You Than You !
Pleasantly distant and aloof is the way to go. Identify the patterns that trigger them. Don't take it personally, because they can't see you as a real person anyway. Keep the conversations boring and stay quietly focused on your own health and goals until you can part ways.
Yup, I am working with one. And I am keeping my distance as much as I could and when I can't I just uh.huh....😅
Staying with the narcissist and setting boundaries in an intimate relationship, expecting it to get better, is like trying to believe in Santa Claus again. The more your eyes are opened to them the less there is to admire, and the harder you have to work!!
This is the point. It's painful setting such boundaries in relationships. Because we actually need someone to be free with to talk about anything .
so very true. The more you see it the sicker you feel knowing how deep this is.
I'm tired of having to alter my authentic self for the goofs. Wtf. Their absolute monsters.
Perfectly lays down! 👏🏾👏🏾
When they have a huge list of people they no longer speak to for one reason or another, family , friends, etc....RUN. you will eventually be one more they don't speak to anymore.
Wow! She is talking right to me. Everything she was saying in the beginning, at ESPECIALLY everything that started around the 2:30 ish mark had my jaw dropped because it’s exactly what I’ve done and felt. I’ve been in a long term relationship with a narcissist for over 10 years, only I DIDNT even know what narcissism was, or gaslighting, until a couple years ago, and I didn’t really start LEARNING about the behavior until about a month ago when I met a women and in our conversation we shared some relationship struggles we both had in common only she knew things and pointed me in a healthy direction. You see for years I ALWAYS questioned myself, and a lot of blaming myself, for the “negative events” in our relationship because I was being masterfully manipulated into believing I WAS THE PROBLEM. Things would come up, he would behave or say something that made me think: “hey, that’s not right.” “Wait, what? How was that my fault?” “Wait, I misunderstood again???” “Wow, again I overreacted!” “He’s telling me again I imagined the whole thing? Again”. “How could I be such a bad communicator, I do it for a living successfully, but on a personal level I’m so inept” Year after year I questioned myself over and over and over and over how could I get so many things wrong? I work in physical therapy in a SNF for over 20 yrs, and I “ listen” and “hear” people everyday it’s a CRUCIAL part of my job, I have to take in a massive amount of information, process it thoughtfully and quickly in order to get the best results from my patients, and on occasion, we clinicians, often make life changing recommendations for our people so we better have our S**t together. I used to think how can I be a home owner, successful in my career and have the same core of ethical sting minded people for years if I am such a failure as a girlfriend. I was always crashing my head about situations but because of my nature to always do self checks on my thoughts and decisions (and maybe I get a little intimidated by a person that SEEMS so sure of themselves) that I sacrificed my own judgement to believe less of myself solely because someone else used manipulative strategies and against my own empathetic thoughtful nature against me. Now that I know a little, I see the DARVO in almost every daily deconstructive event “we” have. And I hate it more and more every day. I find all I’m hoping is for him to ACKNOWLEDGE his ACCOUNTABILITY so I can feel some vindication and validation! This new information that’s slowly seeping into my exhausted coping system is that “ain’t never gonna happen, you are going to have to accept that in his eyes you will always be the failure f**k-up that keeps letting him down and he will ALWAYS BLAME ME”! Sooooo what the heck am I fighting so hard to save?
I just made the mistake of calling out a Narcissist about an hour ago.
Painful experience!
I’ve done this recently but I did win lol I never raised my voice lol
You can never do enough for them. You end up an empty shell .
Great information to help people stay safe.
That is an excellent way of putting it, "empty shell". I understand what the Dr here is saying but I think if you have to walk such a tightrope with someone that you lose yourself, it's no better. I found the best remedy is have a lot of outside activities. Volunteer, join a choir, make it something that gets you away from the narc on a regular basis. Also, be happy. They don't like it unless it's for them.
I have just realized . I was dealing with one . Nd I have always felt it was never enough . They drain u of everything
Excellent description 'empty shell' that resonates so much with me.
@@Southernsoul415 yes ,because they give nothing back.
Empty empty empty that’s me
I should have learnt this already fourty years ago. ITS eye opening. Life saving Lessons. My life was full of anxiety. I Made desastrous experience with Family members with this personality. They destroy relationships within the Family, discriminate you , blame you for Things they actually do themselves. My sister manipulated my Father her whole life. He enjoyed being Put on the throne by her until at the end of His life He got him to Change His Last will in favor of her children and let him totally alone when He was sick. Not informing me during Times He needed Help. Her satisgaction was to call me telling me: I have Bad News for you. Dad died.
I was so naive and stupid telling her in Christmas I would Take Care of our Father No Matter the cost is. The narcist justed wanted to get information in Order to know how to Break your Heart.
It's scary how little people know or even believe about narcissism or alcoholism or addiction. You're right it us no way to live. I'm happy I found you because it is very helpful.
Nearly cried when I found this. I was literally praying for a direction in dealing with an unavoidable narcissistic person.
Never give up on yourself!!
It’s the same prayer that led me here. I didn’t even fully understand the whole concept of narcissism but I somehow ended up here. Forever thankful❤️
Have subscribed 🙏. 30 years of a family narcissist. To the point that I have been used, both mentally and financially. Thank you for your videos ❤
🤗 may we heal
Beautiful comment. I too was looking for some answers after a recent encounter with a NPD person.
The worst thing is to find out you have narcissism in your circle.. then as you go no contact, you find out it’s closer than you realized!! There is something so special about us that attracts these people.. We have to work on that part of us. Boundaries, No Contact and Selfcare to regain consciousness!! 😔
Just listening to you Dr Rahmani is like a wake up call what’s going on with my life. Thank you
I saw this video a moment too late. I just called him out. As you have succinctly stated, it was a major mistake. All I did was escalate the rage, the denial, the blaming. I am the mother of a forty year old narcissistic son. I am presently examining myself to see what my contribution was to this development. It is painful to think about. What I thought was staying connected was just enabling him to not take responsibility for anything he ever did. For years I have been trying to get out of the burden of supporting him. I think the only way will be to turn a deaf ear to his pleas. If there is another way, I am open to your thoughts.
I literally just called him out Saturday and I'm still dealing with it. I'll never do it again;! I just want to learn how to handle it until I'm out of this relationship because I'm leaving it....I'm just trying to get strong enough to walk away and never go back
No advice to give, sorry, but I am in the same boat. My grown son is 32 and also an alcoholic. Called him out, his rage escalated because he has been drinking WAY too much, and I ended up having to call the police. He was sorry at first, then it turned to anger and justification for his actions. Do we walk away when it is your CHILD? Not enough resources out there for our particular situation. Not sure how to proceed, I have been distancing myself, but it is hard with Christmas and everything else…just not sure what the right steps are. 😢
Yes, I can totally relate to this, but there comes a time when we have to remember to take care of ourselves first. Moms tend to be selfless, but when our children are grown, it should be a time of selfcare for us. I am trying to get there, and I hope you are, too.@@dianevrana2933
OMG! I am mother to a 39-year old narcissistic son (he's oldest of 3; 2 boys, 1 girl).
My mother is a severely malignant, covert narcissist with several other "add-on" disorders -- just for fun, I guess:/
I am oldest girl of 4. I have 3 younger brothers.
I'm THE scapegoat. Have been since I was old enough to call her out.... Basically since I started talking! 😑
I married a narcissist, but, thankfully, divorced him 8 years in (but only AFTER having 3 kids with him:()
The weird thing is, my son KNOWS about narcissism!!
ALL of his rage seems to be focused on me! This blows my mind!
Wtf did I do?!?! Did I create this!?!
What to do?!?!
HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?!?!
So good to know I'm not alone:)😂
Thank you!
God bless!
I feel like the lone cherry in the middle of a freaking narcissistic fruit salad!
😵💫🙄
If he grew up around his dad it's easy to pick it up and they probably get along fine ... Did th dad turn him against you? Very possible...
Thank you for sharing...
Do not call out a narcissist
2:00 If you choose to stay ,then set boundaries and do not engage
2:15 Understand the pattern
3:05 Grey rock- Don't share your achievements, Don't have invalidating conversations, Don't share your pain. Talk about superficial things.
4:00 Fire walling
4:23 Have some alternative source of support
5:03 Radical acceptance- Managing realistic expectations, setting boundaries, not defending, not engaging , not explaining, not personalising.
5:50 Distraction- Go for a walk, bake, watch a movie etc.
As Bhagwad Geeta says ' Do your karma, detach from others and be one with God'
The “firewalling” was something I learned to do on my own. My husband could care less about anything I had to say but I sure as hell had better be focused on what he had to say. I’d get myself so upset if I was telling him something I found interesting or important and he would only be half listening then at the first distraction he would cut me off and forget I was even talking. So I stopped bolenteering any conversation. I literally became a rock over time. Lost all personality when he was around. Around other people I laughed, joked, and had fun but the second he was around it was time to shut down. It was walking on eggshells and waiting for his wrath. If we had company I’d pray he didn’t embarrass me. Oh except when he wanted sex. Then all the sudden he was nice and flipped the table saying I was a cold fish and had no interest in him. I literally felt crazy!
Yeah, the slow mind game to making others submissive.:( Glad you're learning to come out if that. :)
That sounds so familiar, it gave me chills. Hope you're living your best life now.
omg, you've just described MY life : (
You just described my life as well. Wants my attention all his waking hours but won't give me any until he wants something. Says I don't tell him things when I did, he just wasn't listening. Can't watch a show or read, my attention needs to be on him. Then he gets mad I walk away. I can't be in the same room unless I'm ready to give him my full attention. He talks at me, not with me.
Sorry you went through that, hope things are much better for you now.
It’s so unfortunate how some of us who are so beautiful, smart, intelligent and compassionate like Dr. Ramani had to waste years in these toxic relationships with Narcissists who not only had nothing to offer but siphoned all the good energy from us. It took me years. Thanks to Dr. Ramani’s videos. Truly lifesaving. She I am so grateful🙏
When you have a narcissist as an adult daughter who is an addict
and has children it's a nightmare. I want to walk away, my youngest grandaughter is only 11.
@sara john i am glad that your free now the problem now is that narcissist is a buzz word almost and the real victims of the abuse are not being taken as seriously as an individual trauma victim and are being fobbed off with set boundaries and boost your self esteem
this woman is amazing isn’t she
@@mareepeters5717 Do not walk away. For the sake of the grandchildren!
women love giving other women compliments they dont deserve. Just stfu with the fake-ery. Women will tell ugly women how beautiful they are, just fking stop being delusional. None of you are smart, either btw
Actually, it's because she/we went through what we did, that we're able to love, support, teach and help others accordingly. Bigger picture is the Lord's and He knows who will do what with all the crosses which become crowns for others and self.
"Nah, I'm not taking my soul out right now. I'm gonna keep it here, secreted. Becuz those who are worthy of seeing it and his beauty, will get to see it in all his Glory. This 🫸 person,hasn't earned that right.Becuz they haven't respected in the past."
Amen to that!!! 🙌 ❤🕊
06:00 documentaries about space and the universe, stars, planets and satellites have litterally saved my life.
When I finally started to let my soul pull away he knew it and found someone else to give him what he wanted. He told the kids that I had given up on our marriage and walked away. I lost everything including 27 years of marriage. He was engaged to another woman 2 weeks after he left. It’s been the most devastating 2 years of my life and I’ve been hospitalized twice with atrial fibrillation. Narcissism is a killer. We need to educate our children on its dangers.
Keep at it, Valerie, and pay attention to your own well-being and health issues. I can see down the road, you reclaiming yourself, your inner power and wisdom which you’ve always had but possibly neglected when distracted by others. Good luck becoming yourself and you will!
@@oliviacasino8888 Thank you.
The children already know the dangers. They've seen what it has done to you. Children are observant and wise. It might be helpful for you to engage in therapy (and your children as well) so that your healing can move along faster. Make yourself healthy again and help your children heal and not repeat what they've witnessed in their own home. Best wishes to you.
@@valeriemontgomery6678 my friend was in a marriage for 44 years. She gave everything and she was the breadwinner. About a year before she got cancer, she noticed valuables missing. When she developed cancer, he told her he wasn't going to take care of her. He stopped paying rent. She was forced to divorce him because he was draining the bank account. When she divorced him, he had already taken the valuables and because she was the breadwinner for all those decades, he got the majority of the social security and she got only a small percentage because that's how the laws work in the united states. You gave 27 years. Imagine giving 44 years. She is 75 years old and lives month to month. Very stressful. She still has to find freelance work to pay the bills.
If your husband found another woman in 2 weeks, how would he treat you if you got cancer in old age? In caregiving, I have seen supposed loving children giving their parents lethal doses of morphine at the end, even if they could have lived longer. If even a loving child can become callous, what would a narcissistic spouse do? See all this has sobered me up and allowed me to learn to face life as a single person. Even if I never get married again, I can develop friendships and support systems with friends. Having friendships who support your longevity is better than having a narcissistic "loved" one lord over you and to whom you are at their mercy.
I do believe in sticking to a commitment in a marriage. But I also learned that it's essential to become equally yoked before marrying someone. How can a person stay in a marriage if the spouse is trying to kill them?
I had a nervous breakdown and broken heart syndrome can kill a person. What I learned is to cut my losses and move on, never allowing emotions to ruin my health. even if I lose everything, I will not allow myself to experience broken heart syndrome again. God is always with you no matter what you lose, so don't be devastated. God bless.
Valarie , I wish I could talk to you and get some valuable information from you. I am convinced my relationship with this lady I gave my everything to is a narcissist. Also I really hope you are recovered and in good health mentally and physically. It is coming to an end. All this lady does is put me down instead of a healthy relationship , just love you. I'm so broken , spiritually , physically and mentally. I was with her for over 4 years . All the best to you , Michael
The worst part is being angry at myself for forgetting who I'm dealing with and letting my guard down. Dealing with that now and it's exhausting.
Dr. Ramani. I LOVE YOU! Your podcast helped me understand WHAT MY FATHER IS including my MOTHER IN-LAW!! My wife and I were both raised by parent narcissists and have been married for 26 years, we could never understand how our parents drove us crazy. I used to get so frustrated trying to understand how crazy my relatives were. Your videos and topics have given me inner peace in accepting them for what they are!!! THANK YOU!! GOD BLESS YOU AND YOUR WORK!
I won't initiate "calling out anyone's narcissistic behavior. However, being a truth sayer, authentic, I WILL tell any narcissistic person why I've backed off & distanced myself from them, if they ask me. I won't "turn the other cheek" or "keep rose colored glasses on" to a narcissist. I'm a survivor of life long narcissist abuse. So I'm pretty super hyper sensitive to them. & I refuse to tolerate it from anyone ever again. So Narcs - bring it on. Some of us refuse to continue to turn the other cheek from your type any more.
This is a problem with me. I overshare. I feel like I talk too much (I have to learn self control). Thank you for this platform for understanding and advice.
Same. I just forget 🤷♀️
Transparency to a fault, the story of my life.
Same! I love the feeling of opening up with someone I love. It's so hard to remain guarded without being nervous.
Don't feel bad. It's natural and "normal" for empathic and genuine people. And especially after or in this abuse and relationship situations. We are looking for validation, sanity, clarity, out of the confusion, and cognitive dissonance! Get a therapist!!! It's very NEEDED. You need a safe place to let this out. But talking alone does not heal trauma, make sure you get physical too, to release the negative built up energy. Keep learning and working guys! We deserve it and freedom!!! ❤
Same
I'm chronically ill. I haven't spoke to my Narcissist sibling in two years. It's been amazing.
Did you get the illness from trauma?
Hi Chronically ill. Get your house in order. What will happen if something happens to you? If you need to be treated/start living in health-service related accommodation? It is then you need help the most. Guess who you can get to deal with? How can you be the best prepared you could be? Best of luck.
I think so. I'm keeping a notebook about childhood trauma from my narcissist sibling. One is she put a vacuum on my head when I was two and it ripped out my hair. My second one is she was swinging a rope with a metal ring on it and it cut my eye. It was my fault because I was following too close. My parents laughed about the first one and didn't do anything but fix me up on the second. I think the worst part was not having a parent who cared.
@@janalu4067 I've been in remission for 9 years. I have a really rare disease called Cyclical Vomiting Syndrome. I live a very healthy lifestyle, which is what you do.
@@McSpaddenator I hope you will continue to be well. It's just I've seen how they come when one gets ill. They come and they rewrite history. Tell everyone how they have always been good and loving (and hint that the problems were the victim's fault). By then the victim is too weak to resist. I hope and pray that doesn't happen to you. I hope you have good people/good person who have been designated as 'next of kin' in terms of healthcare if things go bad.
I just left her, I was obsessed with her for so long thinking it could change. I seriously suffer from obsessive compulsive disorder badly, it feels almost impossible to not cave sometimes and reply as I've tried to disconnect and exit before.
Seeing people like and reply to my comments helps remind me why I can't be involved with her anymore. You don't even need to know me or her, jus know it was killing me: I barely eat, am barely functional. But I'm out of it and can begin to heal
If you have love for any and everyone suffering in a narcissistic abusive relationship, I ask you stranger: PLEASE REPLY AND REMIND ME IT'S NOT WORTH IT!
I love you all so much and am so happy for this community and these videos and for everyone trying to get away, IT IS POSSIBLE!
It’s not worth it 💯
I am a 33 yr old male and I spent around 27 or so of those years dealing with narcissistic parents and sibling.
When one day I decided that enough is enough. I finally had the courage and the financial resources to leave and cut them off from my life once and for all.
I feel so much better now without them in my life.
There's no point engaging them in any kind of discussion.
Engaging with them is their 'oxygen'. That's what they thrive on.
Yes at 74 years of age I too started to protect myself emotionally, it’s very important because at this age you don’t have any place to hide❤
Send you a big hug. May Jesus Christ heal you and protect you at every moment. You are loved.
♡
Jesus died over 2000 years ago.
Not only at 74,but even at 46 . U just need to b grey stone
I'm 70 and married one 18 months ago still trying to learn to control my reactions to his rages and yelling. So nice to know I'm not alone.
When I'm distressed I listen to you Dr Ramani. Your videos calm me down and help me stay resolved to ignore the gas lighting. Thank you.
Exactly the same benefit I find in being here. It’s so difficult to have to continue to live under narcissistic abuse and keep one’s own head in reality. These videos remind me that I am not the problem!!
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for these teachings. You explain this better than anyone I've encountered.
I just found this. I'm sitting here in tears. I wish I had seen this years ago. Thank you for the helpful hints!!!
“Do not give what is holy to dogs, and do not throw your pearls before pigs, or they will trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces." Matthew 7:6
I did not fully understand this scripture until living with a narcissist son. When we fail to "guard our heart" (quoted below), the gifts of mercy, forgiveness, and patience we carry will not bring the results we hope for. Now in my 70s after spending years in Christian ministry, it is heartwrenching to distance myself from my own child. The happy news is that someone IS growing and changing - Me!
I have a narcissist dtr who will keep me from seeing the grandchildren who I am very close to, if I dare stand up to her. The when she needs me, she has no problem demanding unreasonable help/ babysitting/housekeeping…
I call the narcissist in my life “The Dementor” because she sucks the joy and life out of every single situation. Self preservation is the only option as literally nothing I say registers with her. It’s like we speak two different languages.
I call them dementors too! 😂😂😂 I always think about mrs Frigg "Everything went cold...and I felt...as though all happiness had gone from the world..” that is exactly the feeling you have when you find yourself in the unfortunate present of a narc
What if your in Azkaban and the dementor is your prison guard.
Same here omg
Demented tormentor...
You DO speak a different language. You speak human and they speak demon. Lol
Thank you for this video. That's one of the most important thing someone who has been dealing with a narcissist needs to know. I'm so glad I found it
Wow!!! The empathic piece of this video IS ME!!!! I LOVED this woman (and still do…. She had become my wife!). I felt like I could save her and she would be thankful and we would live happily ever after. What an idiot I am. As soon as was raised up with a profession, a home, and a supportive husband, me, she was done with me and literally threw me away!!! And the entire time I was put down completely and constantly being called names that I PROVED weren’t true. Amazing that she completely controlled me for FIVE YEARS!!!! Don’t be this person I was!!! Horrible horrible suffering!!!!💔💔💔😭😭😭😭
❤
I didn't even know there was a term for this, but what Dr. Ramani describes as "grey rocking" or "soul distancing" is what I've been doing for the past few years to keep myself sane when interacting with my parents.
I want to share my life openly with them, but every accomplishment I share, they ruin with criticism and invalidation. So I learned to set boundaries, to keep things private and to protect myself emotionally.
I felt very guilty at first, especially since they've repeatedly called me out about not sharing anything with them. I don't want to hurt my family, but I can't keep enabling them to hurt me.
Watching this makes me feel relieved of that guilt. Thank you Dr. Ramani.
exactly, I'm in aww of the break down💯
i was about to say that ,finally i know what was my fault ,why i was going thtough all that
same here with my parents, most of all my mom, I can relate.
Thank you for sharing. Once you have found comfort with where you are, slight deviations in how you were conditioned to express the truth might be enough to create some safe space in the relationship.
In a hypothetical where someone is criticized for eating anything other than vegetables, a lot of clarity can be gained by putting a banana peel where an empty salad bowl would normally go if you don't actually eat the banana or lie about what really happened. 😂😂 This concept works to neutralize unwarranted negativity about anything, but to understand it, you need only the discipline to refrain from exchanging words about all the tomatoes (avoided or perhaps shared together) for however long it takes.
and at age 64 I now have tools to deal with my narcissist stepmum, wow
Soul distancing......this is life changing! Thank you Dr Ramani!
Yes! Really speaks to me
Isn't it hard to do that if you also want to share it with other friends and family on your social networks? Do we need to block them?
Thank you Dr Ramani from the bottom of my heart. You can never be enough for them and become an empty shell.
Thankfully I learned everything you said on my own and now trying to teach other family members that there is no point on calling this person out. Stopped talking and sharing with them years ago.