Remember to subscribe, if you're new here 🙂 👉 t1p.de/2o0n and here are videos related to this one: ▶ Don't Do This To Your Loved Ones! | Empathy Misses | Fails | These 8 Responses Are Not Empathetic th-cam.com/video/WwtfKrtF6wM/w-d-xo.html ▶ Psychologist On How To FEEL More Empathic | Empathetic | Empathy th-cam.com/video/V88Ostf3glg/w-d-xo.html ▶ How To Be Happy For Someone Else's Success I The Link Between Depression & Schadenfreude th-cam.com/video/nV1COwnBscg/w-d-xo.html "People don’t always need advice. Sometimes all they really need is a hand to hold, an ear to listen and a heart to understand them." Unknown
I'm from Indonesia ....I'm always confused about how to act towards those who are sad... it turns out the best thing is to greet them, listen to their story and strengthen it and don't judge him. Thank you for this useful knowledge. Sorry if there are wrong sentences, I used English translate.
As a psychologist, someone who has lost a son and someone who has a friend who is grieving, much of this resonates with me, apart from the idea of two linear phases. A person can move backwards and forwards between processing and moving forwards. The bottom line is: simply be present, available and a validating, willing listener, whatever is happening for the person who is suffering.
Thank you for your comment! I'm glad to hear this resonates with a colleague. I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. And thanks for the thought about the phases not necessarily having to be linear and the great summary at the end of the most important ways we can help. That makes a lot of sense to me, to keep in mind that someone may move back to processing and that that requires us to be open and ready for that at any time and to not try to push them forwards.
I found this video incredibly helpful, thank you. ❤️ Short story you may find interesting: my last relationship was with a professional trauma therapist. Our break up really hurt because we were in many ways an incredible match and I was incredibly generous and thoughtful towards her throughout. What hurt the most was that she saw that I had unresolved trauma that was interfering in our relationship (which was a blind spot for me because I wasn't familiar with this whole world yet) and she was literally the perfect person to point it out to me, and help point me in the right direction to work on it by introducing me to some concepts and resources, pointing out examples from our relationship, etc. She never did. She also refused to have a conversation with me about what she thought went wrong in our relationship after it was over when I asked her for that. When I was persistent and asked her again for it some time later, she mostly said "Your healing journey isn't my responsibility" and "You should get a therapist." My relationship with her taught me that even a professional communicator and therapist can fail in this area. What I needed most was to have my experience and emotions validated, to feel like she was willing to be there for me, and some ideas about solutions so that I had something to work on going forward and some hope that things could be better for me in my next relationship. I now realize that she's an emotionally avoidant type, conflict avoidant, and is scared of direct communication compared to me in relationships. And that's helped me get over her because even though we had a lot in common, our communication styles and our perspectives about what it means to be part of a supportive partnership are totally different. I'm doing the work on myself and I guess it's up to her to recognize where she could improve as well, or she may run into the same issues in her future relationships.
Glad you found the video helpful and thanks for sharing your story. It sounds like a painful experience that you were able to learn a lot from by processing it attentively. Yes, professionals can fail in the exact area of their expertise, it can be surprising, but it does happen. It sounds like you found a helpful way of relating to this relationship - also seeing the mismatch and difficulties in communication. That really does make getting over a relationship easier - when we don't idealize it. I wish you all the best in finding what you're looking for - someone who shares your values on what supportive partnerships look like. ✨
I deeply relate to your perspective on what it means to be in a supportive relationship with someone. Conflict avoidance can feel like an attractive strategy in the short-term but in the long term it hurts relationships.
Man, that's a story to tell... I'm glad you share it, I have passed through some avoidance experiences that were difficult to deal with and the way you could process it is very helpful to me. May you have good relationships in the future, thank you
Thank you for this video. This is such an important issue. I was already in this situation in my life, that I wanted to help, but was shy. Next time I will remeber and do better.
Yes, to a certain extent we need to be able to allow the other person's feelings to be there and reflect in our own hearts, otherwise, we'll try to avoid the situation.
Great and practical advice that's emotionally intelligent and really makes a difference. I really appreciated the point about people going through different stages and the importance of helping them to process before they can go towards the next stage. Thank you.
Yes however I have a friend that used me as a dumping ground for his pain And I’m not having it There needs to be boundaries He’s been repeating the same problems to me for a couple years now I cannot handle it since I’ve tried to be the listener and advice giver And it’s just hopeless
@@DrMaikaSteinborn you really doing so much service by sharing these knowledge.. and i really love your channel's content... ❤️❤️❤️ these are like treasures.. you know i'm grateful 💗
9:32 I absolutely love this ad and your other video about how to be more empathetic. I’ll be watching more of your videos thank you so much! I’d love to hear more about how one supports somebody else into getting more help. I’ve been trying to do that with my boyfriend for 3 1/2 years and it’s just not working. I am his only support system and even though I’m doing my best it doesn’t feel like it’s enough. Any tips would be appreciated. For more info, he yo-yos between agreeing to go and not. We are in an ‘agree to go phase’ currently but it is completely on the back burner. I don’t know what to do
Hi! I'm glad you're finding helpful thoughts in my videos and welcome here! Nice that you found the channel. What you've asked about can be a challenging situation. I’ve seen lots of people searching for their way through these types of dynamics in relationships. I’ll share some thoughts, please see which ones are relevant to you and which ones don't apply to your situation: One thing that needs to be clear in a relationship is that while we can support each other, we can’t do inner work for one another. Your boyfriend has a journey ahead of him (like we all do), and it’s his journey to walk. He doesn’t have to walk alone, by no means, but he has to walk. So, as a significant other, you’re balancing to figure out: 1) How can I help him get access to a map and professional support 2) And when am I trying to walk for him. You wrote “It seems like I’m not doing enough.” You can’t do it for him. You can think about trying different things that are perhaps more effective. But you can’t solve this problem for him by investing more effort and trying harder. It is heartbreaking to see a loved one suffer, but it’s not within our capabilities to wave a magic wand and solve all their problems for them. Here are some acts that I’d consider to be helping (category #1 from above): offering to help find a therapist together, making the first appointment together, reading a self-help book together, watching helpful TH-cam videos together, finding information and sharing it, keeping the conversation going, checking in on him, letting him know you love him… anything that signals: I’m here for you, I’ll support you through this, I believe in you. Especially when someone is depressed, for example, they often lack the energy for things that seem simple to a non-depressed person, like finding a therapist and making the first call. It can be a great help to support them in that. I’d recommend talking to him about your thoughts and finding a form of support he agrees to: “I could research therapists in the area, would you find that helpful?”, “I could make the call for you, would you then go to the appointment? (If not: what would need to happen, so that you would be able to go?)” An important thing to watch out for is codependency. This is when one person has a problem, and the other person shields them from having to experience and deal with the negative consequences of their problem. This doesn’t help either one. It may seem like support, but it’s enabling. Examples are: the partner of an alcoholic calling their partner’s boss and telling them they’re sick when really they have a hang over, lending money to a gambler, making excuses for violence, regularly cleaning up someone else’s messes… Sometimes the best help can be to set a clear boundary: “If you don’t go to a therapist in the next 6 months, I will leave this relationship.” This sounds harsh, but it is often a thought that a person has in private. It is often fairer and more supportive to let their partner know. I don’t know the specifics of your situation, but if your boyfriend agrees to go at times, the problem seems to be more with translating intention into action, and that’s where you could help take the first step.
Remember to subscribe, if you're new here 🙂 👉 t1p.de/2o0n and here are videos related to this one:
▶ Don't Do This To Your Loved Ones! | Empathy Misses | Fails | These 8 Responses Are Not Empathetic
th-cam.com/video/WwtfKrtF6wM/w-d-xo.html
▶ Psychologist On How To FEEL More Empathic | Empathetic | Empathy
th-cam.com/video/V88Ostf3glg/w-d-xo.html
▶ How To Be Happy For Someone Else's Success I The Link Between Depression & Schadenfreude
th-cam.com/video/nV1COwnBscg/w-d-xo.html
"People don’t always need advice. Sometimes all they really need is a hand to hold, an ear to listen and a heart to understand them." Unknown
I'm from Indonesia ....I'm always confused about how to act towards those who are sad...
it turns out the best thing is to greet them, listen to their story and strengthen it and don't judge him.
Thank you for this useful knowledge.
Sorry if there are wrong sentences, I used English translate.
The English translate worked well 👍🏻 I’m glad the video was helpful. Your strategy for supporting others sounds very effective 💯
As a psychologist, someone who has lost a son and someone who has a friend who is grieving, much of this resonates with me, apart from the idea of two linear phases. A person can move backwards and forwards between processing and moving forwards. The bottom line is: simply be present, available and a validating, willing listener, whatever is happening for the person who is suffering.
Thank you for your comment! I'm glad to hear this resonates with a colleague. I'm so sorry to hear about your loss.
And thanks for the thought about the phases not necessarily having to be linear and the great summary at the end of the most important ways we can help. That makes a lot of sense to me, to keep in mind that someone may move back to processing and that that requires us to be open and ready for that at any time and to not try to push them forwards.
@@DrMaikaSteinbornLovely. Thank you. 🙏💕
Giving someone the proverbial shoulder to cry on.
Yes!
I found this video incredibly helpful, thank you. ❤️
Short story you may find interesting: my last relationship was with a professional trauma therapist. Our break up really hurt because we were in many ways an incredible match and I was incredibly generous and thoughtful towards her throughout. What hurt the most was that she saw that I had unresolved trauma that was interfering in our relationship (which was a blind spot for me because I wasn't familiar with this whole world yet) and she was literally the perfect person to point it out to me, and help point me in the right direction to work on it by introducing me to some concepts and resources, pointing out examples from our relationship, etc. She never did. She also refused to have a conversation with me about what she thought went wrong in our relationship after it was over when I asked her for that. When I was persistent and asked her again for it some time later, she mostly said "Your healing journey isn't my responsibility" and "You should get a therapist."
My relationship with her taught me that even a professional communicator and therapist can fail in this area. What I needed most was to have my experience and emotions validated, to feel like she was willing to be there for me, and some ideas about solutions so that I had something to work on going forward and some hope that things could be better for me in my next relationship.
I now realize that she's an emotionally avoidant type, conflict avoidant, and is scared of direct communication compared to me in relationships. And that's helped me get over her because even though we had a lot in common, our communication styles and our perspectives about what it means to be part of a supportive partnership are totally different. I'm doing the work on myself and I guess it's up to her to recognize where she could improve as well, or she may run into the same issues in her future relationships.
Glad you found the video helpful and thanks for sharing your story. It sounds like a painful experience that you were able to learn a lot from by processing it attentively. Yes, professionals can fail in the exact area of their expertise, it can be surprising, but it does happen. It sounds like you found a helpful way of relating to this relationship - also seeing the mismatch and difficulties in communication. That really does make getting over a relationship easier - when we don't idealize it. I wish you all the best in finding what you're looking for - someone who shares your values on what supportive partnerships look like. ✨
I deeply relate to your perspective on what it means to be in a supportive relationship with someone. Conflict avoidance can feel like an attractive strategy in the short-term but in the long term it hurts relationships.
Man, that's a story to tell... I'm glad you share it, I have passed through some avoidance experiences that were difficult to deal with and the way you could process it is very helpful to me. May you have good relationships in the future, thank you
Thank you for this video. This is such an important issue. I was already in this situation in my life, that I wanted to help, but was shy. Next time I will remeber and do better.
I'm glad you found some helpful thoughts here! Yes, these situations are delicate.
Thank you for your help 🙂
What a great video... It is short and to the point. Thank you for sharing this!
I‘m glad it was useful to you! 🙂🌷🌞
Good one, so we have to feel the pain of the victims by putting ourselves on his/her place... :)
Yes, to a certain extent we need to be able to allow the other person's feelings to be there and reflect in our own hearts, otherwise, we'll try to avoid the situation.
Excellent! Compassion and wisdom!
I'm glad this was helpful 🙂
Great and practical advice that's emotionally intelligent and really makes a difference. I really appreciated the point about people going through different stages and the importance of helping them to process before they can go towards the next stage. Thank you.
Glad you think so 🙂🙏. Yes, it's actually not that hard if we remember that first people need to process.
thank you for the video
Yes, that's the way!
🙂🙏🌸🌿
Increadably helpfull lecture! Thanks Maika!❤
Such a valuable advice !! Thank you Maika 🙏
Glad it was helpful ✨ Thanks for being here! 🌿
Yes however I have a friend that used me as a dumping ground for his pain
And I’m not having it
There needs to be boundaries
He’s been repeating the same problems to me for a couple years now
I cannot handle it since I’ve tried to be the listener and advice giver
And it’s just hopeless
It's good you're noticing it and that you've decided to change something about this! All the best!
Thanks for sharing the video. 🌸🌻🌼🌷🌹💐
My pleasure! Thanks for watching it 🙂🌸
Thank you so much ❤️❤️❤️❤️ thank you giving these valuable lessons....💗
My pleasure and welcome to the channel 🙂🌈
@@DrMaikaSteinborn you really doing so much service by sharing these knowledge.. and i really love your channel's content... ❤️❤️❤️ these are like treasures.. you know i'm grateful 💗
Thank you! I'm so happy that you're finding treasures here 💖
Thank you for the great topic
I'm happy you think so!
9:32 I absolutely love this ad and your other video about how to be more empathetic. I’ll be watching more of your videos thank you so much! I’d love to hear more about how one supports somebody else into getting more help. I’ve been trying to do that with my boyfriend for 3 1/2 years and it’s just not working. I am his only support system and even though I’m doing my best it doesn’t feel like it’s enough. Any tips would be appreciated. For more info, he yo-yos between agreeing to go and not. We are in an ‘agree to go phase’ currently but it is completely on the back burner. I don’t know what to do
Hi! I'm glad you're finding helpful thoughts in my videos and welcome here! Nice that you found the channel.
What you've asked about can be a challenging situation. I’ve seen lots of people searching for their way through these types of dynamics in relationships. I’ll share some thoughts, please see which ones are relevant to you and which ones don't apply to your situation:
One thing that needs to be clear in a relationship is that while we can support each other, we can’t do inner work for one another. Your boyfriend has a journey ahead of him (like we all do), and it’s his journey to walk. He doesn’t have to walk alone, by no means, but he has to walk. So, as a significant other, you’re balancing to figure out:
1) How can I help him get access to a map and professional support
2) And when am I trying to walk for him.
You wrote “It seems like I’m not doing enough.” You can’t do it for him. You can think about trying different things that are perhaps more effective. But you can’t solve this problem for him by investing more effort and trying harder. It is heartbreaking to see a loved one suffer, but it’s not within our capabilities to wave a magic wand and solve all their problems for them.
Here are some acts that I’d consider to be helping (category #1 from above): offering to help find a therapist together, making the first appointment together, reading a self-help book together, watching helpful TH-cam videos together, finding information and sharing it, keeping the conversation going, checking in on him, letting him know you love him… anything that signals: I’m here for you, I’ll support you through this, I believe in you. Especially when someone is depressed, for example, they often lack the energy for things that seem simple to a non-depressed person, like finding a therapist and making the first call. It can be a great help to support them in that.
I’d recommend talking to him about your thoughts and finding a form of support he agrees to: “I could research therapists in the area, would you find that helpful?”, “I could make the call for you, would you then go to the appointment? (If not: what would need to happen, so that you would be able to go?)”
An important thing to watch out for is codependency. This is when one person has a problem, and the other person shields them from having to experience and deal with the negative consequences of their problem. This doesn’t help either one. It may seem like support, but it’s enabling. Examples are: the partner of an alcoholic calling their partner’s boss and telling them they’re sick when really they have a hang over, lending money to a gambler, making excuses for violence, regularly cleaning up someone else’s messes…
Sometimes the best help can be to set a clear boundary: “If you don’t go to a therapist in the next 6 months, I will leave this relationship.” This sounds harsh, but it is often a thought that a person has in private. It is often fairer and more supportive to let their partner know.
I don’t know the specifics of your situation, but if your boyfriend agrees to go at times, the problem seems to be more with translating intention into action, and that’s where you could help take the first step.