A Grief Casserole -- How to help your friends & family through loss | Kate Schutt | TEDxWestChester
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 18 ก.ย. 2024
- Kate Schutt (www.kateschutt.com) is an award-winning singer/songwriter, guitarist, and producer with a voice NPR calls “glassily clear and glossily sweet.”
Schutt (pronounced “shut”) spent four years as her mom’s primary caregiver, writing songs about the dark and the light of her mother’s journey from diagnosis to death of ovarian cancer. Kate wants us all to know how to show up for our grieving friends so they don’t feel alone with their loss.
Working with legendary producer/arranger Rob Mounsey, Kate just finished a new album, entitled Bright Nowhere. It’s an achingly real collection of the songs about the new landscape of loss she found herself in. The music is melodic and memorable; the sound is that perfect combination of pop and jazz.
Known for her heartfelt, literary songwriting, Kate’s fans are drawn to her authenticity and vulnerability on and off the stage. Her songs have won top honors from the John Lennon Songwriting Contest and ASCAP.
Kate studied the influence of jazz on poetry at Harvard, and studied jazz guitar at Berklee College of Music.
After nearly a decade living and making music in Canada, she now calls New York City home.
Kate Schutt is an award-winning songwriter, singer, guitarist and producer whose voice NPR calls “glassily clear and glossily sweet.” She studied the influence of jazz on modern poetry at Harvard, and studied jazz guitar at Berklee College of Music. Currently, Kate is working with legendary producer/arranger Rob Mounsey on a new album inspired by her mother’s diagnosis and death from ovarian cancer. She spent four years as her mom’s primary caregiver, along the way writing songs about life, loss and (to use Christopher Hitchen’s potent phrase) “living dyingly.” After nearly a decade living and making music in Canada, she now calls New York City home. This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at www.ted.com/tedx
Thank you so much for this. Someone dear to me is losing a parent and I am trying to find more ways to be supportive and greatly appreciate this video
Me too💔
Me today 😔
Yes
same we're smart for that
Same
"Risk getting it wrong." I LOVE THIS! Fantastic Ted Talk, Kate!
Lynya -- THANKS for watching. And thanks for telling me what part made the most difference for you! Big love to you!
@@KateSchuttMusic This part about “risk getting it wrong” gave me the strength I’ve been seeking: !it will make the difference for me tonight. Hopefully it guides me through the hard days ahead for my close friend. Thank you for this!
@@andrewprimary I am so glad to hear that, Andrew. Good luck. I am with you. With my full heart.
Thank you Kate for sharing your experience and insight.
I appreciated it so much I wrote a summary for anyone else wanting a recap of her wisdom:
What not to do:
Avoid them.
Get stuck in your head doubting whether you should reach out.
Offer platitudes.
Say "if there's anything I can do let me know" (people suffering are very unlikely to ask, and figuring out what they need can be a chore in itself).
What to do:
Affirm your love for them.
Send a text, email or call.
Say something short and sweet, and indicate that there's no need for them to reply (letting them off the hook and prevent them from feeling guilty if they can't find time/have the energy to reply).
Do an act of service i.e. laundry, babysitting, making a meal etc. (Do this without asking because a lot of people will refuse, they often feel like a burden and won't give permission for you to help them).
When my Father died 3 years ago- it felt like everyone in my life disappeared, even my own wife. I felt alone and like I had no one to lean on, sometimes it still feels that way- I have had to learn the art of meditation for my grief. It’s crazy how rare it is to be present for someone going through a hard time- though I do understand the anxiety that comes with it. No one should have to go through grief alone, it is painful and can sometimes feel like you are suffocating- even years after. Thank you so much for this Kate. People NEED to hear this.
I to lost my father 5 years ago
I have never gotten over it
He was my best friend and I cry every time I think of him dying but I also remember the great times we had together
I hope your doing better
Only time heals
I hope you are doing well! I’m sorry you had to grow that alone. ❤️
Amen to meditation. I ask anyone here to try. It's hard to get used to at first but can change your life.
My boyfriend just lost his dad and i want to be there for him. Hes going through changes such as taking charge because hes the only son. What can i do to support and for him to not feel alone?
Best thing ever when a friend dropped off a casserole when my husband was gravely ill. Never ever forget how wonderful that was.
Well am really sorry about that okay 😒☹️and I know how it feels to be lonely without our love ones, we've all lost our love ones in death one way or the other, either a spouse, child, family members, or a true friend that meant the world to us, such is life I understand how you feel but life must move on because death is inevitable no matter how hard we try! And we'll all have to face it someday..
Some close friends that I consider family lost their dad/husband in a very tragic way recently. I have struggled so much trying to figure out I can support them without doing the wrong thing, and this touched me so deeply. Thank you so much
I lost my partner, the love of my life, and best friend suddenly (and too young) on 10/26/22 of an aneurysm. My friend who I don't get to see that often went out of her way to drive miles to drop me off special bagels and apple cider for breakfast, and I can tell you... for the rest of my life I will never forget that she did that. Something about the sensory, physical experience of opening up something fresh in a paper bag, or something warm, or delicious helped me to ground myself in of the fog of my grief, even if only for an hour. One of my cousins also sent me this incredibly soft blanket to sleep in, and I spent any alone time the first month enveloped in that blanket, allowing myself to cry until my stomach hurt and process the shock of my loss.
I've been very lucky for all the support I've had during the first few months already, and I can tell you, it's hard to get wrong. I did have a few people who I expected I would hear from, but yet I never heard from them even though they knew of his death. That disturbed me a little, more than anything. If you take the initiative to lead and support them, it will be deeply appreciated no matter what form that takes. And this is crucial too, keep showing up. Grief is a long process and the loss is forever. I'm so thankful for the people in my life who keep checking in, just when it seems in my privacy, that the loneliness is overwhelming.
So simple, yet simply perfect, Kate! It’s been a privilege to get to know you during this particular time in your life. What a gift your living it out loud is to the rest of us. ❤️
Thank you, I acted because of you and it was special.
11:42 here is the answer but u should watch the video from start to feel the emotion, situation and should understand it properly.
Yes, risk getting it wrong. Find the courage to show up for them. Thank you very much for this advice.
This has helped me so much. My best friend just of 15 years just lost her mother and I’ve been trying to figure out how to best be there for her.
My best friend since childhood just lost her mom yesterday, and this video will help me, to help them go through her grief. Thank you so much.
Kate Schutt, I too have "eaten from that casserole". My Mom passed in 2000 of pancreatic cancer, but lived an incredible 17 months from date of diagnosis. I was her caregiver for all of the 17 months and I did not pick up my artist brush for most of it. Visits from family and friends, acts of kindness ... and prayer, lengthened her life. These words of enlightenment were beautifully said. Thank you...
Dear Wendy, I am so sorry to hear about your Mom's death. Not picking up an artist brush for all that time must have been something for you. It sounds like your Mom and you had a deep and meaningful connection, especially during those last 17 months. Wow. I am in awe. Thank you for taking the time to watch the video and I am so glad I was able to honor what you went through. Love, Kate
Dear Wendy, thanks for watching the talk and sharing your story. Sending you big love, Kate
Hi @@KateSchuttMusic It was a GIFT from God that allowed me the opportunity to care for her. That experience was the main reason why i was put on this earth to begin with. To take care of my Mom.
I did it.... and I would do it all over again.
oxoxox Wendy
I've just laid my 22year son to rest 3 days ago and what you said is right.we know we need to eat but can't focus on cooking whilst going through this grief.
Love and prayers❤️
I'm so sorry I know how it feels to be lonely without the person you love, we've all lost our love ones in death one way or the other, either a spouse, child, family members, or a true friend that meant the world to us, such is life I understand how you feel but life goes on because death is inevitable and we'll all have to face it someday, I lost my oldest son Jesse on may 24th 2020 during lockdown on a car accident, he just turned 22 on his birthday got hit by a drunk truck driver, that was the worst and most lamentable day of my life as a single Dad raising two kid's, my 14yr old daughter is my everything and the reason I keep strong, my late wife passed away 3yrs ago to a cardiovascular disease, I felt deeply devastated with grief, but that's the past now, time is indeed the best healer.
I'd love to talk to you more if you don't mind! It'd be nice if you just say Hi, here is my number +7866326441or rather you send me your gmail address so i could reach out on you.
Just reading this but I want you to know that you are loved, you are not alone and that your love for your son will never die. Your loss is EVERYONE'''s loss...
So powerful and so helpful. Such tricky waters to navigate when friends are going through this. Thank you for the advice.
Thank you for watching and for getting me the time in the auditorium to practice! It was the extra effort there that made all the difference. LOVE YOU
1. send a text call “this must be so difficult” send love “no need to respond”.
2. go do an errand. show up and do it.
3. make or buy food for them.
Excellent! I love your genuineness, and I'm confident that that is because you are speaking from personal experience. Thank you!
What a moving speech Kate! Being one of the people that doesn't really know what to say or do when my friends and family are grieving, this speech was SO useful!
Dear Primoz, THANK you so much for your insightful comments when I was putting this talk together. Our conversation about how you handled loss really helped me shape the talk. You've helped me so much and I am so grateful. Love, Kate
Someone dear to me lost his mother recently.
This is heartbreaking for me. all I have is dead words and tears. I can't Undo what's happened, nobody can. It hurts to feel myself in his shoe.
I'm praying he recovers soon. God take care of him ❤
Losing two younger siblings, and then my Mom, people I loved so much, I needed something supernatural to fill my heart! I was grateful God was in my heart, because losing a dearly beloved, and despite the early grief, knowing that this was just a temporary goodbye, gave me comfort, and eventually joy! I would not give advise to anyone grieving, knowing at in moments of grief, just giving them love, attention, and letting them talk and listening can be the best I think, I can offer!
Thank you so much for this, Kate! I really resonated so much with it. My dad passed away 10 years ago when I was 18 and my mother really recently this year amidst the pandemic. Both due to cancer. And you beautifully articulated what is really helpful.
My grandfather went unconcious in the middle of the night, he had no health issues and was 100% healthy and died 15-16 minutes after my dad got the call that he went unconscious with my grandma crying. I cant stop crying
I’m so sorry for your loss
Thankyou sooo much for this talk. It was extremely helpful and l know it had to be extremely hard for you . I am grateful for your knowledge time and effort thankyou so very much take care dear. Excellent !
It’s very simple just show up for the ones who have lost a loved one. This was on point - thank you
All I needed at this moment. A lesson learnt for life... God bless
Brave women, thank you for sharing your story so vividly. I can now be there for my grieving boyfriend.
your words of the loss of your mom are what I andmy husband felt when he was told he was stage 4 leukemia, he had 6 months. I never want him forgotten, I never want to try it replace him. I have been keeping a journal, I Will now write a book for our family, My best friend and all that he was to all of us. Thank you.
Well am really sorry about that okay 😒☹️and I know how it feels to be lonely without our love ones, we've all lost our love ones in death one way or the other, either a spouse, child, family members, or a true friend that meant the world to us, such is life I understand how you feel but life must move on because death is inevitable no matter how hard we try! And we'll all have to face it someday..
An amazing piece by Kate Schutt who is an amazing young woman. Her mother was a great lady! Patsy Odden
Thank you PKO. Thanks for taking to the time to watch! xxoo
I know what you mean about writing your song. After my Mom passed last month, part of my grieving was to write a poem about it all after I walked around her yard and told her flowers that she wouldn't be there for them anymore to keep them growing and pull up the weeds and all. Somehow that was harder than her funeral was. The poem started coming into my head as I drove home. It helped, a lot. It's not closure...there's no such thing. But it helped at that time.
Everyone needs to find a way to express their grief, their loss, their emptiness. And don't let anyone rush you in the 'grieving' process, folks. We all grieve differently, and don't let people tell you to 'just move on.' I've had wonderful support from work, family, and friends, and that has helped greatly. Cards, calls, texts, gift-cards for food places...all of that has helped me too, helped me to not feel so alone. Just knowing that people care. Just talking with people I know who have also suffered from the same kind of loss has meant so much to me.
Simply Incredible !! Pouring out your grief into words so simple yet heart wrenching . Even though it’s impossible to encompass your inner feelings into something meaningful .
Amazing, Kate. Truly. Excellent reminders to do what we may know but doubt for all of the reasons that you list. Thank you!
Thank you for watching, Karen. And for being one of the first to help me rehearse the talk in public. You're help was invaluable! Much love!
This was great. I’m glad I told my friend I would call her in 11min and decided to watch this video. I’m an ICU nurse. I see patients passed often but never anyone I knew
I lost my wife to cancer at the young age of 31
Now fast forward 30 years later I’m fighting cancer
Life is unpredictable
So enjoy your loved ones because you never know
Wonderful talk
Thank you
wish you the best of luck
Sorry
Wow. This is excellent - incredibly moving and powerful. Thank you for your thoughts on how to tackle such difficult topic.
Thanks for watching, Ang. I appreciate all your support along the way.
I was raised to become an “act of service” love type. It upsets my s/o that I’m this way during times of death. I came here to learn. The last thing I want is to lose her over my inabilities.
Thank you so much I had no idea how to make my grieving friend feel better, this helped me a lot
Thank you for sharing, Kate. You have answered a very important question and have given me courage to show that I care.
My husband passed away in 2016 and my heart bleeds for those who are in grief. You have reminded me what to do.
Well am really sorry about that okay 😒☹️and I know how it feels to be lonely without our love ones, we've all lost our love ones in death one way or the other, either a spouse, child, family members, or a true friend that meant the world to us, such is life I understand how you feel but life must move on because death is inevitable no matter how hard we try! And we'll all have to face it someday..
Kate, your words sincerely moved me and I now feel better equipped for those in my life that need a kind word , meal , task or all three. Thank you Kate. rosie
Thank you for taking the time to share this. It helped me beyond words. The message I got from listening to you was that I need to DO, and not offer to do.
I just found this video today after having a hard time knowing what to do or say to my best friend that lives in a different state. I’m so happy you encouraged to risk being wrong, and to still show up in some way. I sent her some pizzas and she was so thankful.
I lost my son three weeks ago I felt like I'm dying inside! I don't know how I'm going through the next minutes! The pain is too much!!
Youve got this. All the love from lebanon
so sorry, I do hope you are doing ok at least now. praying a prayer for you.
Live one day and then the next
Emma I'm sending u strength and love ❤️ I lost my only child 29 year old son 45 days ago...I pray u get thru one minute at a time xoxo
Praying for God’s peace upon you.🙏🙏
Remarkable Kate! Thanks for sharing your journey and wisdom with all of us.
Thank you for watching, Will. Sending love!
Thank you 🙏🏽
Just found this TED and it’s what I need to help my grieving friend. I know about grief as my eldest son died of suicide 32 years ago; however, the years have erased the feelings of pain and isolation. Thank you, Kate, for your outstanding song/talk, your thoughts on helping with a risk, helping with a casserole, being there on purpose. You opened a door for me so that I can support her with an open heart and with open arms. Blessings be with you.
I have 2 friends whose parents are in the hospital with COVID. 1 whose Father just died. I had NO IDEA how to show up for them, but this helped me soooo MUCH!!! Thank Youuuu!!!
🦋✨💚💚💚✨🦋
How are they now, is your freind ok?
Thank you. My best friend husband passed and I seem helpless in helping her. Thanks for foe the confirmation to show up even in the small ways🙏🏾❤️
Amazing talk..my friend is grieving for the loss of his grandma and grandather. I'm literally crying rn.. I'll go to see him today
I needed this - thank you :)
Well am really sorry about that okay 😒☹️and I know how it feels to be lonely without our love ones, we've all lost our love ones in death one way or the other, either a spouse, child, family members, or a true friend that meant the world to us, such is life I understand how you feel but life must move on because death is inevitable no matter how hard we try! And we'll all have to face it someday..
I googled this because my friend lost a loved one I didn’t and don’t know how to be there I tried. I talked about my loss instead and I feel awful about that now that I have the self awareness I want to make it up.
the advice starts at 11:41
This was amazing. Thank you-
Amazingly TRUE Talk! 👏🕊️
Thanks so much.!! This advice helped me help some grieving relatives today. I just showed up unannounced with various ready to eat foods and told them I didn’t need to stay. We talked, cried and laughed. It clearly helped.
Absolutely beautiful
Amazing!! Thank you!!
Highly Sensetive and heartfelt.
One of the very BEST advice ever! Thank you
Thank you so much for this, Kate. So many helpful tips.
Thank u so much! May God bless you:)
Prayer is powerful
beautiful!
Thanks so much for watching Alexandra. What part stood out for you? What was the most helpful?
This was so well done. We just loss my Aunt to an aggressive brain cancer. I spent a lot of time with my Aunt and Uncle and family during her last year. Best advice! Be there. Go. Call. Bring food.
When i lost my 3 days old baby. All i want is space. And people leave me alone. It was soooo annoying from them to ask or to try to comfort me. I know they had good attention but i was so overwhelmed that i can't stand them
thank you for sharing this 🌿
Yesturday. One of my girlfriend’s closest friends has just passed away in childbirth
And I don't know what to I can do about it. She's all the way in Malaysia yet I am far as I can be from her here in Sweden
I can't be physically there to comfort her. I can barely even talk to her because of my broken Indonesian
I just hope she finds comfort soon. I don't even know what to say to her. Even though I don't know her friend. It's pretty clear she was an amazing person
I can only hope she will reunite with them one day
3:47 The singing made me uncomfortable up until that point. But after hearing that, multiple things clicked.
Of course it made me uncomfortable. Because I was uncomfortable with the emotion getting expressed and was out of touch with what she was feeling. The moment she said she never had to have that conversation again, it made sense. All the rest of the singing for the rest of the video went right to my heart and soothed it, and was sweet to my ears.
It reminded me of something I had too easily forgotten. Music can make the unbearable become even a littlle bit bearable when little else can. And at times when things are oppressively hard, a tiny break feels like a breath of air fresher than you remember air ever feeling.
Wow the upbeat bouncy music of the ad that cuts in right in the middle REALLY threw off this touching piece. TH-cam advertising makes art worse
So good -i’m bringing a broccoli cheese quiche. I hope they love it 🥰
thank you so much for sharing ❤❤❤
Powerful and helpful. Thank you
This was really helpful thanks xxx
Thank you
This is beautiful and so helpful.
Simple phrase. I love you. I'm here.
Beautifully sung and said. Thank you Kate ❤️
This was very helpful because I have a friend who’s dad died recently and I didn’t know how to help him
The second she started to sing I cringed
Thanks for this
Yesss!! Amen
The Absolute BEST!!
Thank you so much for watching! What part hit home the most for you? I'd love to know!
Kate Schutt Actually my dad just passed in December so this really put it into prospective for me... I was so annoyed with ppl making what’s seemed to me at that time, the most idiotic comments ever. I hated everyone of them, simple because of what they were saying to me. Ppl that I loved, I felt so alone.
The things to do start 11:00
I cannot thank you enough ❤
It is very interesting that in my old homeland, Bosnia and Herzegovina, we have been doing this kind of support for bereaved families for centuries. A bereaved family does not cook or does not do any house chores for a week after the death of a loved one. Neighbors come, bring food, and take over the care for the household members. The same happens during a long illness. True, in the postmodern time, this ancient collectivist custom might not be as alive as it used to be.
excellent, this spoke to my heart.
This is the best. ❤
Thank you. This will help me alot
I need this right now. Thank you! 😇😇
Wow kate thank you so much for sharing your story and strenght with us (me) you gave me lots to think and reflect about ❤ my uncle passed 2 days ago from cancer too , i rather risk getting it wrong and do 1 of the 3 tips you talked about , thank you very much for the music too , best wishes to you and your family god s blessings on you , may your mum RIP she was so lucky and blessed to have you as her carer
Thankyou so much
Thank you so much for this. All the love goes out you!
This was SO HELPFUL thank you!! 💜
Thank you. I needed this.
I don't know you but I love you all 🫶
Why is this in my hometown!
I held mom's hand as she passed
My best friend had a mutual friend that was his best friend he killed himself yesterday. I’m sad cause I lost a friend but for my best friend he’s devastated my heart hurts how do I support him right now??
Beautiful…
Well am really sorry about that okay 😒☹️and I know how it feels to be lonely without our love ones, we've all lost our love ones in death one way or the other, either a spouse, child, family members, or a true friend that meant the world to us, such is life I understand how you feel but life must move on because death is inevitable no matter how hard we try! And we'll all have to face it someday..
with friends/family it absolutely can get way worse
This is the BEST video about grief and support !
Thanks so much for watching Marjorie. What was the most helpful part of it for you?
amazingly-touching. a must listen for all.
Thanks for watching Joe. Sending you much love!
Idk abt the singing but thank u
Thankyou 🙏👍
Amazing